#just sharing my experience :)
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My mom was my caretaker until she died. She made appointments for me and drove me places.
She also resented me and made fun of me often. She was my caretaker, but she didn't want to be, and she also abused me my whole life. Up until she died.
People don't like to think about child abuse that goes past the age of 18. Because people will just tell you to "just leave" as if you can
I've been fakeclaimed and called a spoiled brat for my mom being my caretaker. And bullied into having meltdowns because of it. Told i probably wasn't as mentally ill as i am
Now I don't really have anyone so nothing gets done. I get told to be an adult because i can't rely on my mom anymore. I dont know how to respond to it every time i get told it.
My mom was sexually abusive (mdsa), was emotionally abusive, medically neglected me, otherwise neglected me, and was financially abusive, and resented me, and got joy out of making other people (including me) upset. But she was still my caretaker of sorts
And now i dont have that and i cant get the help i need. People tell me i dont need my hand held to do some things when i say i do. Caretakers are usually family. Because the medical system sucks.
Caretakers are also sometimes disabled as well. My mom and I sometimes swapped who was taking care of who. Because it was just us. And she couldn't afford at at home aide for after her back and neck surgeries.
Caretakers can be abusive. But that doesn't mean they all are. They should be included. Because without caretakers, many disabled people will suffer
#not vent#disability#abuse#caretaker abuse#abuse by caretaker#actually disabled#just frank talk about caretakers#mdsa#but dont call me a woman for experiencing mdsa. not a woman. i am a man#neglect#just sharing my experience
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I sit here and put words on a paper that I otherwise do not dare to say. I don’t know who to talk to. When I mention what I think about I get told that it’s only because things are just not going my way right now. Funny. I suppose things haven’t been going my way last year either. Or the year before that. Or the year before. I don’t remember not feeling like this. These words, there the same. For years now. I’m writing them down because I’m unable to say them to anyone.
I’ve reached out for help before. Got weird looks from people when I told them that I need to talk to someone. Got told that they wouldn’t be able to help me because I just needed to get over this. Everyone feels like this once in a while.
I went there once. Got told I felt like this because I’m not taking control over my life. The situation was uncomfortable. I didn’t go a second time. They asked for feedback afterwards. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for not listening, I still don’t know how to not hate myself. How to not cry. How to make my chest stop hurting. How to stop feeling like I’m drowning.
Now the thought of talking to someone is even scarier. I don’t like to talk to people anyway. What if I take all my courage and ask for help again, only to be told it’s my own fault? I know it’s my fault. I tell myself that every day. I don’t need another person telling me the same.
#just sharing my experience#i really feel like i should try to talk to someone again because it's bad these days but I'm so scared to make the same experience again#mental health#dark thoughts#depressing thoughts#writers on tumblr#aspiring writer#my writing#prose
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the wandering painter, part one
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#artists on tumblr#illustration#animated illustration#animation#backgrounds#animated gifs#background illustration#myillust#landscape#plants#scenery#summer#hiii! just wanted to share an artwork i made that's super fresh from the oven ksfknsf#'the wandering painter' will be a series that consists of artworks that has elements that i struggle to draw and am trying to improve on!#ive always really struggled with the process of painting (for example) clouds fields grass grasslands flowers etc#despite the end result coming out satisfactory imo but i cant deny that it most of the time feels like a fluke#so this series would consist of my journey of improving how to draw said elements/areas more confidently :D#this artwork in particular - i studied and practiced how to paint/draw silver grass better along with grasses and clouds#i feel like im sorta getting the hang of it but theres definitely room to study and experiment how i can paint it better#so yeah! nonetheless i really hope you'll like this! and i hope you'll have a lovely day/night ahead <3333
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I recently had to do a project in one of my psych classes, and man, I knew that CBT was used for every little thing, but seeing over and over, "do CBT! CBT is the best for every mental illness!" was so jarring. I'm absolutely biased because of my own experiences, but I just don't think it's as universal a treatment model as it's touted.
If you didn't benefit from CBT, it's not because you're lazy or didn't try hard enough or lacked intelligence or foresight into your own needs. Frankly, it's a therapy model that (I think) shouldn't be the only readily-accessible model and among the only therapy models covered by insurance. Some of us should not be treated in a CBT model and that's okay. It's not a sign of poor character or unreasonable demands, and if you don't think it's a model that works for you, then it's your right to express that!
#mental health#mental health advocacy#it was just so annoying because every resource i could access for this project often ONLY recommended cbt and#that just doesn't seem helpful for a good chunk of people#because i know i never benefitted from that model of therapy#obligatory: i am not against this therapy. me having a negative experience with it is not indicative that i believe it should be abolished'#if it works for you: KEEP DOING IT. cbt is not inherently harmful for MANY people and it's a good and valuable tool for many#but the overemphasis of cbt as the Only Therapy Model You Need sends this message that YOU failed...#...if you don't miraculously recover with that therapy model. it often feels like you'll Fail Recovery/Therapy and you're now a Bad Person#i've tried for over a decade to stick out cbt with a dozen therapists to boot. so i think i know a thing or two about my experiences with it#and overall its an unimpressive model (for me) as someone whos had a history with abuse and miscellaneous mental knickknacks rattling around#it's also frustrating because i genuinely like psych and i love learning about people#it's just. i'm tired of only being exposed to cbt (because i hate it honestly)#i feel similarly about cbt as i do with sigmund fucking frued#anyway i just want other insane people (affectionate) to remember that they deserve to not beat themselves up over this#if you're an insane person reading this: i love you i love you i love you i love you#i will share a slice of cake and homemade bread with you <3
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Okay to reblog to help sample size!
#erurandomness#erubabbles#fanfiction#fanfic#I have a few longfics I've come to realize I'll probably never finish#but they have like 50k words and maybe people would enjoy the beginning?#and i *want* to finish them. I just don't know if I'll ever get that spark back that'll let me finish. it's frustrating#my perfectionism has kind of paralyzed me and a mix of that and drifting fandoms has me wondering#would people like it if i shared them so they could experience what's been written? or is it not worth it if they won't be updated?#fic tag
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Great explanation 👍
Redraw of this
#Linked universe#lu#lu four#my art#Linked universe fanart#au where four has to masquerade as a four year old#Meanwhile time is convinced he and four share the being-time-travelled-back-into-a-younger-body experience#Everyone else is just ??? the entire time#Bc this is clearly not a four year old but also he is really short??#Idk#I wanted to redraw this bc I’ve grown a lot#But smh I still like the old one better than this lol#Such is life ig
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listen. this may sound like a reach but I don’t think house’s eagerness to go to the lesbian bar with thirteen was fetishistic glee. because like. okay. straight men love lesbians. but it’s only ever in a “conventionally attractive porn stars making out”, “I’ll pay these 2 strippers to kiss” sort of way, not exactly in the sense that they like to surround themselves with regular, real life sapphics. in fact, most hetero men despise the lesbians they meet in real life because they see them as either unattainable or unappealing disappointments to their fantasies. now, listen. house isn’t stupid, it’s not like he thought thirteen was gonna let him in on some hot girl-on-girl voyeuristic action, and he certainly knew he wasn’t about to get laid himself at a bar of ALL WLW. he’s an overconfident perv, sure, but not the kind who thinks he can ‘convert’ a gay gal, nor would he even desire to. the damn patient of the week is a guy who tried to ECT himself straight, which house obviously doesn’t believe is reasonable (this episode also gave us the shot where both house & thirteen are shown making a face in response to “I’m as straight as any of you!”)
with all of this laid out, you kinda have to assume that he was excited about the bar for another reason. dare I say it was simply… the joy of existing in a queer space as a queer person?
#I know there’s 0 chance that the writers thought it through this hard#but I genuinely believe this with my entire soul#it’s one thing for house to be an ally and support thirteen’s sexuality#but to delight in sharing the bisexual experience with her? just basking in the inclusiveness of an lgbt environment?#that’s a whole nother beast#you get what I’m saying?#he was just there for the vibes.#one might even say… for the pride#he had 0 ulterior motives other than to have a good time#house md#gregory house#greg house#dr house#hatecrimes md#remy hadley#remy thirteen hadley#thirteen house md#you know what I’ll also throw in a#hilson#house/wilson
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i can assure you, there are people who haven't watched spongebob at all because even when they were younger they hated it, which they still do as adults
one such example would be me, hi :)
its so hard being friends with ppl who didn't watch the first SpongeBob movie cause wdym you dont know the scene where everyone points at king tritons head screaming BALD BALD when I reference it while seeing a random bald person
#i've always kinda hated spongebob tbh#even as a child when friends watched it i was so confused cause i thought it was dumb#not meant to offend anyone#just sharing my experience#i completely respect anyone liking it :)#it's just not for me
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I’ve been interacting with new fanfic writers and also been seeing some folks share the fact that they care about hits, bookmarks, and comments on their work as if they’re embarrassed by that fact.
I’m just here to say you shouldn’t ever ever ever feel that way.
Writing, in this case fanfiction writing, can be a very lonely journey at times. If you’re brave enough to post online, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to receive validation. Because when you don’t, I think that’s the equivalent of playing or singing a song and nobody claps once you’re done. Imagine the Olympics or local sports arena or little league game with empty stands. Not a single soul cheering at the end of a concert. Nobody shows up to the art gallery. Nobody eats the baked goods you made with love at the party. All of those scenarios undoubtedly hurt.
Yes, you did it for yourself. Because you love this passion of yours. Because you’re working on your skills. Because you’re proving something to yourself.
But there’s a reason so many of humanity’s passions happen in front of a crowd.
Art is meant to be seen, music is meant to be heard, and yes, fanfiction is meant to be read.
We all want to know our art made an echo.
And yes, we all want to know somebody clapped for us. It validates us, it encourages us, it motivates us to keep going when we’re burnt out. It’s also just plain fun. All of these apply to world class musicians or athletes. For fan fiction writers, the audience cheering is as simple as a hit or a comment. It’s someone engaging with our work in a positive manner. So if you’re feeling that way and you feel bad about it—remember you’re human. And your passion and hobby is just as worthy of receiving audience reception as anybody else.
Fanfiction is a communal space, not just a solitary act. Give love back. Engage wherever and whenever you can. Open yourself to viewing this as a two way dialogue with other writers and readers. Give yourself grace and compassion when you’re disappointed. And when it’s your turn—don’t forget to clap.
#fanfiction#ao3 writer#fandom wank#fanfic writing#it’s an analogy I thought about today and just need to write down#your art shouldn’t exist in a vacuum#nobody’s art or passion should cuz it’s meant to be shared#I’m in my feels lately I’ve been writing fanfiction for over a year now after several year hiatus#and it’s been so wonderful BECAUSE of the engagement like it’s how I’ve made new friends#and that’s what makes this experience worth it
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We just came back from filming some scenes for a period documentary in a museum and last saturday we were invited to the anniversary celebration of an historical train where we had first class wagons to ourselves and got to ride and visit the palaces and were on TV too, what is even happening I feel like I'm in a coma or something, how did we go from dressing up for fun to whatever is going on now lmao 😭
#personal#Nicolas was so handsome acting in regency attire#my man is an actor now!!#we had some romantic scenes in the gardens and I did some getting ready scenes in the bedroom and he had to duel with a gun#then we did a ballroom scene dancing just the two of us 🥺#I will share photos and videos soon ahhh#we are not getting paid at all but the experience alone is priceless we are having the best time anyway I'll cry I'm so grateful#nips blogs
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autistic Logan who, when he's overstimulating, uses his ADHD boyfriend (Wade) to do allllll the conversations and set a wall of gibberish between them and the others (and they holding hands, grounding him softly)
bonus point if Logan's height is comics accurate bc he's literally behind Wade like he's a big noisy shield
#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#deadclaws#deadpool 3#wolverine#deadpool#logan howlett#wade wilson#i had this idea just before sleeping and i needed it out of my system#and yes it's inspired by me and my experiences#just want to share do want you want with this#love them
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sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe
so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?
:3c
heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time 🥲 i will only do this for you </3
contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars
deku + light
izuku only sleeps with the lights off.
it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the light―it's that he refuses to.
you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.
he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.
and this relationship―it's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.
the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.
he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.
"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"
he looks almost guilty at your question, as if you’ve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.
"just—" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."
you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."
"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.
you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.
sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyes―a deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.
on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.
you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.
"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.
"hm?" he clarifies.
"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"
his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.
"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don't–"
"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.
finding out that the light was the problem was the easy part—
you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.
—what was hard, was figuring out why.
at first, you suspected it was his scars.
"s-sorry, it's not—" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "—it's not nice."
you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his parts―all the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.
when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn't―the reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.
it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his body—that he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japan’s historic last stand.
you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.
he does it often, when he thinks you aren't looking—his fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.
there’s a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you notice—a little wistful if anything.
“do you miss it?” you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if he’s been caught with a secret he’s been trying to hide.
he’s learned a fair bit about you now, too, though—lying to you is futile when you’ve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.
“sometimes,” he admits, but you know it’s an understatement.
“i think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,” he continues, clenching his fists tightly, “i always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesn’t work that way.”
“i… i try to replicate the right conditions every night, but…” then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.
you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. it’s rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that he’s been through.
“is that why you prefer the dark?” you ask softly, after some time.
it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.
he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."
"it's not."
you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.
"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."
#deku x reader#izuku x reader#midoriya x reader#bnha x reader#shotorus.workbook#it is here ! the first time ive ever written izuku ! i hope u like it niku !#idt i'll ever feel like anything i write of him will be enough but i tried !#SPOILERS FOR MANGA ENDING PLS DONT READ AHEAD#some stuff abt the blurb: i see this happening in the time between him losing ofa and before getting the suit from bakugo#so somewhere between when hes teaching#and i think its a lot of complex feelings ― he's happy he did what he had to do but is also mourning the loss of something he once had#i don't think i can ever convey that feeling fully but i hope i at least managed to touch on it here with him !#i see this as like . the period in his life where he's transitioning out of something he once knew into smth else entirely#i also hc reader to be his colleague (like a teacher or smth) but anyone closely related to the job would work !#really just someone who has a base level understanding of what he went through but doesnt know everything#which is why they're still trying to learn all these things abt him and read him better#and also why he tries to hide a lot of things from them still / is hesitant to share in fear of scaring them away smth like that !#thats all i can think of for now but ill let u know if i have other thoughts on this later on ! hehe#hope u enjoy niku !#ask#rep#ask game answered#most nervewracking experience of my LIFE writing him#stellamancer#niku.🥩
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Authentic Aussie Teen Miku
#llama does the art thing#sketch#hatsune miku#Australian Miku#Aussie Miku#miku art#I may or may not end up cleaning this sketch up and finishing it at a later date#For now I just wanted to join in based on my own experiences lmao#At the very least this is what your average Tassie teen is like idk if that’s shared on the Mainland
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More than just the Demon.
#ffxiv#digital art#zenos yae galvus#venat#endwalker spoilers#will forever be fascinated with this man#look guys look- the literal embodiment of wol's wings of hope LOL (and me going hehe about that and footfalls)#the part of me that adores digging into the nuance of character writing (intentional or otherwise) is just latched onto zenos#and venat-- they cant just give us two characters who get really important 1v1 duels#and ask really important questions#and love the MC and are willing to risk themselves so unconditionally#and have them not live rent free in my brain#--and maybe this tiptoes into the realm of crack theory so beware there will be a lot past here--#but I cant help but think zenos is akin to an oracle or warrior of light but was tempered/corrupted by zodiark#or some strange happenstance of varis (who shares visual traits to golbez before 6.0 ever came out and the dark mana burst)#and carosa (who it seems zenos got his looks from- and he already looks like he has ties to venat and argos like minfillia does)#was he a result of the eternal chess match between the two parties' machinations? or just some strange twist of fate?#another day of him being “emet's successful experiment” (again- intentional or no) making me thonk#theres something so strange about the final days dreams and how dark aspected he is- that his void abilities are more tied to him tbh#yet his mannerisms beyond just what he's been through almost reminds me of light corruption and the uncanny calmness#we see in most beings associated with the light in any significant way and like second phase eden shiva#he almost has all the marks of someone who shouldve already had the echo or blessing of light but for one reason or another#was unable to hear hydaelyns call#of course it doesnt help i mentally associate him with connections to zero and how she was corrupted before she was even born#and durante- who states uncanny ability and connection with light and darkness and yet favors dark magic more#i simply live with the idea that zenos' soul was an eternally faithful companion to wol's and#this time the cardinal sin of separating the pair finally happened to rather dire consequences lmao
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I argued with some random asshole on the internet a while ago and I noticed I made them feel really bad with my anger, I decided to at least get them some groceries as a apology gift because I know they struggling too, few days ago I went over to talk about the situation while calm and to properly apologize, made sure to let the person know that they don't gotta talk to me that it's ok if they don't want anything to do with me, they agreed and added me to a group chat with their girlfriend and then proceeded to berate me for the next 4 hours straight taking turns to call me names 😭 and I'll tell you what. To be called creepy and obsessed for sending the money and get berated for that too??? Like I know $50 isn't like a huge amount nowadays but it was half of all the money in my bank account at the time. And it was a tough decision to make because I am already struggling to pay rent and because I'm too disabled to work. I snapped out of it immediately, like wow no wonder I got mad at them in the first place.
The moral of the story is, don't try to fix things with the worst people you have ever met, your gut feeling was right, there's a reason why you got angry. It will only harm you and make you harm them, too, when you eventually get emotional and pissed off over how they treated you and then use it against you. Whatever you do won't be enough and taken as the worst possible thing to do. Simply fuck off. That's the best outcome for everyone that will hurt the least amount of people.
#also like#this is completely unrelated to the point but i have called them a stalker multiple times#and while talking to me they started bringing up that i have been feeling bad lately and if im still dating my boyfriend and are we happy#like what is that about?#how do you see my posts why are you asking me this its kind of freaking me out#or telling me that me and my bf are trying to be them like????????#we dont even think about you and when we do we just laugh at your dumbass in call we do not care LOL#either way this is so insane and i need to vent it out and share my experience to people because what on earth#for context i have blocked them on all social platforms so they have to be following me on burners just to keep up with me#which is definitely normal behavior#my little oniisionling incel stalker saga
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Floyd and Crimp friendship hours + something based on a headcanon I had where married trolls make each other matching bracelets
(*✨my ko-fi)
#my art#trolls band together#trolls fanart#trolls floyd#trolls crimp#trolls bruce#trolls brandy#trolls#i don't ship crimp and floyd i just want them to be besties#bonding over their shared experience and taste in music ♥️
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