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itgetzweird08 · 5 years ago

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This is a one shot inspired by the video above! It is included in my one shot book on Wattpad. This is my first time posting any of my writings on here so here goes nothing! The collage at the top includes all of the people featured in the one shot and my OC’s! Hope You enjoy!

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Everything was going great. All of our favorite heroes sat in the common room, relaxing after the latest mission. The " Gen Z Crew" sat in their secluded corner of the rm, making vine references and talking the latest science trends. Suddenly Morgan grew quiet. She looked up at Loki with big brown does eyes, a feature that ran in the stark family. " Big brother Loki, will you tell me one of your stories, about Asgard?" Everyone in the room froze and turned slowly to see Loki's reaction.

They all know that Loki hated talking about his past, especially of his times in Asgard. But Loki smiled at the small child and began weaving a tale. Morgan crawled into his lap and listened. And even if they weren't all looking, everyone was listening. " Well, my father, Odin was the All-Father, King of Asgard and Ruler of the Nine Realms. In order to gain that power and title, however, he killed and pillaged across the universe to gain power, with my older sister, Hela by his side and a very large army, he was unstoppable. But eventually, he had stopped rampaging and began to settle down. Well, my sister did not like this, insisting that they could conquer more than nine realmes, getting a sort of high from the rampaging and war. But my father dismissed her and, after going insane, banishing my sister to the underworld.

A few millennia later, Odin settled down and married my mother, Frigga and had Thor. Then, a few centuries after that, father raged war on Jotunheim, the kingdom of the Frost Giants. On the last day of the war, Odin found something on the battlefield. A small blue baby boy. He took the child back to Asgard and adopted him as his own. The child's name was Loki." Morgan beamed a bright smile and poked Loki's chest. " That's you! " Loki chuckled " Yes that's me" Loki cleared his throat and continued with the story. " I grew up being left behind and pushed into my brother's shadow. But still, I was smart and cunning. I pulled amazing pranks and mastered magic at a very young age. For example, after my mother taught me shape-shifting magic, I became a snake because Thor loved snakes so he picked me up to admire me and I stabbed him. I was four at the time.

There were a few chuckles and frightened faces and Loki smirked and continued with his story. " Anyways, when I was ten and Thor was 15, my father took us into the Vault, where things like the Tesseract and Eternal Flame were kept. But that's not what we went to see. My father showed us the Casket of Eternal Winters, something he had taken from Laufey, the King of Frost Giants during the war." Morgan's face scrunched up. " Why did Odin take the Casket?" " Well, Laufey tried to use the Casket to destroy the nine realms and take Asgard for himself, starting with Earth. Anyhow, he said to us " But the day will come when one of you will have to defend the peace. " Do the Frost Giants still live?" I asked him. Before he got a chance to answer Thor said " When I'm king, I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all. Just as you did father!" My father smiled and told us "A wise king never seeks out war, but he must always be ready for it." Of course, my father lied and filled me with false hopes of being king, knowing he can never have a frost giant on the throne. But that is as far as I am willing to go with that story. Any more questions?"

No one answered. Then Steve cleared his throat. " Here we go." Peter thought to himself. Steve had never really excepted the fact that Loki had reformed and joined the team. Sure, everyone had their doubts and at times, some still do. But Steve hated Loki with a fiery passion. " Loki, Have you ever considered that if you had been a better son than you would've gotten the throne? Thor didn't want to rule and didn't give the throne to his brother but to some complete stranger, who probably doesn't have any training on ruling a kingdom whatsoever. Even so, Thor was so taken to Earth that it seems he didn't want to rule from the beginning. It seems you've crewed it up for yourself. Loki froze. Carefully, he put Morgan down and stood slowly, menacingly as he began to cackle. He snapped his neck up to look into the eyes, to bare into the soul of Steve Rogers.

Then

He snapped

he snapped

" I WAS THE BEST SON ANY PARENT COULD'VE ASKED FOR! I WAS KIND! I WAS POLITE! FOR TEN STRAIGHT YEARS I WAS PERFECT!" Deadly ice began to crawl up the walls, and Loki began to turn a slight blue in the face, but no one noticed.

" TEN YEARS OF -- OF MANNERS AND ROYAL PARTIES! OF TIGHT PRNCE ROBES AND STUDY LESSONS THAT LASTED SO LONG I NEVER GOT TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS!"

The ice grew higher, and there was a chill in the room, yet it still went unnoticed. All eyes were on Loki.

"TEN YEARS OF FORCED SMILES AND TRYING SO HARD TO IGNORE THE MUTTERED DISAPPROVAL AND PITIED GLANCES ODIN GAVE ME! TEN YEARS OF THOR!"

Loki's face began to become even bluer, and two nubs came out of his forehead.

"ALWAYS " YOU SHOULD BE MORE LIKE THOR" AND " I WISH YOU DID MORE AS THOR DID AT YOUR AGE!"

Loki began to tremble, while tears streamed down his, now completely blue, face, His eyes were now a deep crimson red.

"I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! I LOVED THEM! THEY WERE MY PARENTS BUT I WASN'T -"

Loki stopped and looked around. Everybody had mixed look of pity and fear in their faces. But poor Morgan was petrified. He looked down at his hands and gasped silently and began to repress his Frost Giant side once more, and little by little he became pale, the room got warmer, and the ice began to fade. He took a shuttering breath and wiped his eyes. He looked down at the ground.

" I was never their son. "

He looked around once more and ran upstairs to his room.

Everyone looked around at each other. The Gen Z's immediately got up and went to follow him. Peter ran passed Steve and stopped.

" You just don't know when to quit, do you?" and continued to run to Loki's room.

Loki's friends stood outside of his door.

" Loki, let us in. It's ok we just want to help." Peter said, trying to coax Loki into unlocking the door.

" Go away," Loki said " I'm a monster, a screwup. I'm dangerous and you shouldn't hang out with me anymore."

The kids all looked around at one another. This was bad.

Peter sighed, he knew this was a breach of privacy but could just stand around and listen to his friend cry. " Friday, override lock code on door 34." " Please provide override code" " Override code 121720011." " Code excepted, here you are mister Parker."

The door unlocked with a simple click and the group of friends entered the room. Loki was face down on his bed, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. His friends ran over and sat on the bed. "Loki stop crying its ok." "No, it's, not I never should have snapped or yelled. Now they're going to think in dangerous again." Harley growled" Are you serious? You had every right to yell! Steve should have never said that to you. It was way out of bounds." Penni spoke up. "Harley is right Loki. Steve was out of line especially when he knows how sensitive a topic your past is for you. " Loki sniffled and looked up at the teenagers "But you all saw me at my worse and Morgan was petrified." Morgan spoke up "I wasn't scared, I was shocked.” “I'm sorry that you had to go through that Loki" Ria sighed, "Loki part of being friends is being able to trust each other. To be able to show even the darkest, most vulnerable sides of ourselves." Peter continued, "We have to be able to trust each other not to judge because we support each other."

"But you know something Loki?" Loki looked up at Ned as he wiped his eyes. "We're your family and we'll always be there for you no matter what." He smiled. " GROUP HUG!" Ria yelled and dogpiled Loki. After their hug, Ria stood up and turned towards the door. " I heard that the new Interns are here. How about we give them a warm, Stark Industries welcome... VIA PRANK WAR!" The children cheered and ran down the halls causing mischief and chaos. And Loki knew. Sure he didn't have the greatest upbringing but he had a family now, and wouldn't trade it for the world

#loki #my ocs #marvel #loki oneshot #my wittle baby #captain america #love #wattpad

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bertiebrocki · 5 years ago

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Max Ernst 10/9/19

Max Ernst

Max Ernst was Born on April 2nd in 1891 in Bruhl Germany. Later in life Ernst enrolled in the University of Bonn. At this school he studied philosophy, psychiatry, psychology and art history you can see that these really influenced his political and artist view later on in his life. His Father was always quite strict so Ernst liked to rebel. Although he did not like his Father being strict he was inspired by him being an amateur painter. Ernst enjoyed painting enormously but had to stop as WW1 began and he was sent to fight in the war. Ones the war ended Ernst was traumatised and began to make his first collages. He later on joined the Dada group.

The Birdman is very anthropomorphic combining the head of a bird with a rugged man's body. I can see that this is quite surreal and dreamlike as surrealist art should is. It seems that colour has been used purposely to show the bad and the good. The Bird is very dark in colour but the person being stabbed in the foot is quite brighter. I cannot help but to connect the colour with blood which gives it a bizarre sinister feel to the image,

A Lot of the surrealists were very political and wished to change the society. Birds are seen a lot in Max Ernst work as they are a great symbol of freedom and liberation. The main technique he has used is frottage which is where you use an uneven surface with a piece of paper over it to create a unique pattern. The background uses this well it almost looks like rain which is good use of pathetic fallacy.

This painting is called The Angel of Hearth and Home. It seems this was a very political piece. He painted this piece after the Spanish republicans lost in the Spanish civil war. The bird like creature is trying to convey the chaos this civil war created with the body parts of the character being in quite random positions. The birds own body is almost attacking and grabbing him, I feel this represents how people might try to protest and fight against fascist governments. Furthermore these creatures on the body are attached to the bird showing how as much as the population of Spain are fighting against these fascist leaders they are still part of the country and the government have the real power. Despite this piece being about fascism the title is quite the opposite “The Angel of Hearth and Home” the word “Angel” is quite interesting as it confuses the reader, an angel is almost the opposite of what's in the painting. It looks more devilish than angel like. This overall confuses the person which is what Ernst is trying to show. He wants you to see how chaotic fascism can be and often being confused is chaotic.

To understand why Max Ernst created this piece of art you must first understand the relationship between Ernst and his father. Max Ernst father was a strict christian and often quite disciplined towards his son. Ernst would often rebel against him because of this. Although they did not have the best relationship his father was the one who introduced him to art and encouraged him to take it up as a profession. Even though his father motivated Ernst to do art he did not think his style lived up to the middle class idea of art that he had.

The “Pieta or Revolution by Night replaces the depiction of the Virgin Mary supporting the body of dead Christ. Pieta is a particular depiction of an imagined moment in the Life of Christ where he is mourned by the Virgin Mary and has a very emotional appeal. The painting sees Max being held by his father as if he is about to be carried up the stairs, almost childlike and submissive, does this mean in his subconscious that he wants to revert to his childhood and the simplicity of life then, even if it was a strict upbringing. His trousers are red a link to Pieta, in Mathew 27:28 “and they stripped him and on him put a scarlet robe, describing Jesus when taken down from the cross”.

Ernst paintings are typical of surrealism using irrational images to portray the workings of the human mind. The faces are both blank almost unemotional which is often said to be a state of sleepwalking. Myself I can see the submission, possibly knowing his fathers love is there but by expressing it in a sleepwalking state neither have to face reality and can take a step back into childhood and the past. The bowler hat and curly moustache is still an acknowledgement to the fact he still thought his father was a fool.

Johnnathan Jones, from The Guardian wrote “the Pieta in Renaissance art is an image of maternal love. In Ernst’s painting, the father becomes a mother. The son instead of raging against him in oedipal drama familiar to Ernst as a student of Freud, becomes a passive corpse. In other words, it is the rigid carapace of masculinity that melts in the revolution of the unconscious that occurs every night.The revolution here is not one fought across barricades, but a dreamy one in which barricades disintegrates, (and) the boundaries of identity dissolve and we suffer a sea change”. After reading this description it is basically saying once you take the material and emotional trappings of life away and can hide behind thoughts and dreams, under the cover of sleep, Max can just be himself

In the background is a man with a head wound thought

to be either Gullaume Apollinaire the french poet who was wounded in the head during WW1 after which his personality and behaviour changed dramatically. Gullamume used the word surrealism three years before surrealism emerged as an art movement in Paris. Or Sigmund Freud, known as the father of psychoanalysis and a key writer on the unconscious and it’s analysis. Max Ernst’s works have been found ti example great similarities with Freudian Casey and theories.

How this was Useful

This information is quite useful as I get a better understanding of what surrealist art is. So far I have a better knowledge of the many techniques the artist uses like anthropomorphism and frottage, these techniques would be good to use as they make my work stand out. I also have a better variety of techniques I can choose from for a future client. Your client your boss and you need to fit their needs. For example this project I am working on an anthropomorphic animal for target 8-13 years old I can use my inspiration from Ernst birds and see what does and doesn’t work to make sure my character is refined. Furthermore I have realised now how much simple things such as colour and shape can really send a message to someone. Max Ernst used these to represent certain political views. I will use bright primary colours in my characters in order to appeal to the child audience.

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kino97-me · 5 years ago

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A lot of times when I’m working on tracks, I associate colours with sounds. Sometimes, I’ll listen to a song and I’ll just see a lot of like shades of orange, or shades of blue maybe. When I listen to Euphoria, I just see like shades of the rainbow.

[MUSIC]

Euphoria is a solo song with Jungkook, who’s one of the seven members of BTS. I sent it to them and I mean, he’s such an incredible singer and I heard this amazing vocal back and they added some really cool vocal harmonies in the hook which I thought just added so much more to the drop. To me, creatively, they’re pushing the boundaries so far. There’s a lot of fearlessness in the art that they make and how they create it.

When I started Euphoria, initially, it was an idea from a writer who I was working with, Candace Sosa. She plays guitar and I was inspired by the sound that was in this initial little demo, and I said, “Alright, let me take that and work with it.” It sort of all just came together really fluidly and naturally.

[GUITAR]

You know, musically, when the song starts with that guitar, it’s like, “Oh man. This just feels so good.” It just like kind of warms the air. And then it’s layered with a second guitar. One is panned to the left. One is panned a little to the right. By itself, it’s a very simple part. Together, you just get some nice harmonics off the two and it feels great.

So once I have that, the piano comes in. The piano is really driving the song melodically from the chords and just where the song is moving.

[PIANO]

There’s an Alicia Keys piano and then a Greg Wells piano plugin that adds a little delay, a little bit of a chorus. Brightens the piano up a little bit. Those two guitar sounds and the piano basically start off the song. That’s the intro of the song. And then also the first four bars of the first verse. The chords are just so pretty and they lend themselves to really nice vocal melodies on top of it. So that was a really good foundation for where the rest of the song went.

So from there, the next thing that I add is a drum loop which just helps add a little bit of rhythm so that the vocals have a place to sit. It’s a melodic tom loop and I use four different sounds for it.

[DRUM]

As you can tell, they move with the chords. I just added a simple kick drum. After that, we added a splash snare that just sort of creates a lot of space.

[DRUMS ENRICHED]

So after the drums were added, we have the guitar and the piano. Just in that second half of the verse, I added two pad sounds.

[PAD SOUNDS]

It just allows the song to grow a little bit and it sort of anticipates what’s gonna happen next. And so once those pads were added, that was basically the entire section.

[MUSIC]

So after the verse, the B section comes in and this is really where the song is growing to at this point. The song is called Euphoria, I wanted a B section that would be really just open and bright. And so we’ve done a ton of stuff in here to sort of achieve that. The main instrument there are these synth string sounds.

[SYNTH STRINGS]

I just took the initial piano chords from the intro but it’s played with more rhythm. I was messing around with Serum. I found this cool sound in there that I modified a little bit.

So after I added the strings, the next thing I wanted to add was a synth pad. I found this really cool preset in Sylenth which I then modified a bit called Pong. Then the way that I processed it is I added a filter that would open up as the section moved along making our way towards the chorus.

[SYNTH PAD WITH FILTER EFFECT]

So once I had those basic chord layers down and the energy going the way that I wanted, Candace added a guitar in this section which sort of acts as the lead melody.

[GUITAR]

I think it just adds a nice countermelody to the initial chords that are in there. Anchoring this entire section, there’s a sub bass. It’s just a sine wave bass. It’s about as simple as sound as you can get.

In all the tracks that I produce, I try to make sure that every fifteen seconds, there’s something new that happens, something that just keeps your brain thinking and on its toes. These little vocal chops are really just meant to complement the lead vocal.

[VOCAL]

So after a few other smaller sounds were added, this is what that entire B section sounds like.

[MUSIC]

So then coming out of that B section leading into the chorus, there’s just a couple ear candy sounds that were added - just to be a nice little moment before the chorus dropped.

[EAR CANDY SOUNDS]

Sometimes, music is like a collage and you just take these cool sounds and you try to see how they can play off one another and how they fit in. And a lot of it is just experimenting and messing around with it.

So now once we get to the chorus, this is sort of the release for the whole song. Everything opens up so it gets nice and bright. The energy changes. This whole section was built around a main stab chord sound.

[SYNTH]

I just found this really interesting synth and it’s got a slow attack on it. I’ve layered it with a filtered version just to get a little more low end out of the EQ.

So once I had that main chord sound, I layered it with two other sounds just to add a little bit more attack to it and just raise the energy just a bit.

[SYNTH ENRICHED]

I’m playing the exact same thing. It’s just some sonic layers.

And then finally, the last thing that was layered was the same strings from the B section.

So once I had all those main chords, the next thing I added was a bass pluck sound and I’ve actually filtered out a lot of the low-end frequencies from it.

[BASS]

I think it just added some interesting rhythms in between what was happening with the chords. There’s already a lot going on in the hook synth-wise. But there is a bass there that sort of just follows the same chords that all those synths are doing. It’s just there to anchor all of those sounds.

So then finally in the chorus, we get to the drums. As you can see, there is a lot of drums but if I play them all together, I don’t think it really sounds like it’s a lot. A lot of these little percussion things just happen one time or they hit at little moments just to get a nice bounce happening. I’ll start adding them one by one so you can see what happened there.

[DRUMS]

A lot of that is just auditioning sounds and looking for cool, interesting new sounds that I maybe haven’t heard before or haven’t used before. And eventually, as you spend enough time on it, all these sorts of sounds start to fit in like a puzzle, and they start to fit in together and find their home. Once you add the main kick and snare, the hook drums sound like this.

[MUSIC]

The last final sound which is really the driving melodic layer of the chorus is this vocal chop. Really, it started as layers of our initial demo vocal. I chopped it up in a way where melodically, I just liked what it did melodically. I didn’t care if the words made sense or anything, because then I processed it quite heavily so that none of the words are discernible anymore.

[VOCAL]

So that’s just actually Candace’s vocal and at the end, a bit of Jungkook’s vocal. Once the vocal was processed in a way where it was nice and compressed and EQ’d the way I wanted, I added a little AlterBoy. This sort of pitches the vocal up. I added a bunch of reverb and I added a side chain to it. There were some other little frequencies that were jumping out that I didn’t like so there’s a DS-er on it. And finally, some delay.

[VOCAL ALTERED]

When I first sent BTS and their label my original demo of the song, it already had this vocal chop in it. And then once I got vocals back from Jungkook, I implemented some of his vocal layers into it just so it would blend with the vocals that were happening in the chorus and it would just end up being a double layer of what he was already doing in the chorus. And so here’s how the whole chorus sounds.

[MUSIC]

So that’s basically all of the main elements of the record and there are some other layers in there. As you can tell, it’s a fairly complex production. There’s a lot of different pieces of ear candy and layers that come and go, but I tried to cover the most important parts. And that’s Euphoria.

Working with BTS, it’s really been incredible. I just sort of built a relationship with the team over there and started sending them some records. This is one of the first ones that they picked. It’s just been amazing to see what they’ve been able to achieve - two number one albums in the same year from a foreign language act in America - that’s like a huge achievement. Nobody’s ever done that before. It’s just exciting. I’m glad I’m apart of it and I’m hoping their success will continue.

[MUSIC]

#k97-ooc

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ohgoditsamy · 8 years ago

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Am I a clean or messy person? Relatively clean Am I a tea or coffee person? Tea all the way! Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Neither Am I afraid of heights? Not really Am I allergic to anything? I hope not Am I an early bird or a night owl? Definitely a night owl Am I an extrovert or introvert? Introvert Am I an innie or an outie? Innie Am I easily embarrassed? Definitely Am I in a relationship? Yup! Am I left or right handed? Leftie! Am I much of a daredevil? I wish.. Am I scared of the dark? No Am I social? Uh I guess Am I superstitious? It depends Am I ticklish? Oh god.. Can I bake? Not well Can I cook? Again, not well Can I curl my tongue? Yup Can I dance? Uh.. I can do the charleston, the macarena, YMCA.. so uh Can I drive? Nearly!! Can I juggle? Lol nah Can I play poker? Lol nah Can I roll my r’s? You bet Can I sing? Well I’m not tone deaf but I wouldn’t go as far as saying I can sing Can I spell well? I hope so Can I swim? Yup Can I wiggle my ears? Kinda?? Do I correct people when they make mistakes? Sometimes.. Do I have a collection of anything? 50p’s, squashed pennies, cool money Do I have a strong accent? Nah Do I have any nicknames? “Weema” - my dad Do I have any pet peeves? Bad grammar, when people spell it “defiantely”, people who put the milk in first Do I have any piercings? Nah Do I have any strange phobias? Let me think about that one idk Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? Probably 50/50 Do I have much of an ego? God no Do I judge a book by its cover? Uh, I guess as first impressions Do I like bubble baths? Too right Do I like classical music? Yeah Do I like clowns? Nope Do I like my handwriting? God no Do I like roller-coasters? Sure Do I like scary movies? Yeah Do I like shopping? Yup Do I like to gossip? Not really Do I like to talk on the phone? Depends who it’s to Do I like travelling? Yeeeepp Do I play any instruments? Piano! Do I sleep with the lights on or off? Of Do I smile at strangers? I try to Do I suck or bite lollipops? Suck, cheeky Do I talk to myself? Yup Do I tend to hold grudges? Unfortunately Do I use earphones or headphones? Earphones, but I prefer headphones Do I use sarcasm a lot? Dunno man, do I Do I want any tattoos? Some cute flowery ones Do I wear glasses? I did for a year? But now I don’t need them? Have I ever been on a plane? Once Have I ever been on tv? Not that I remember lmao Have I ever been to the hospital? Yup Have I ever crashed a car? Not yet Have I ever got in trouble with the law? Not yet Have I ever had a rumour spread about me? Well if it was, I dunno about it Have I ever had braces? Nope but soon I will Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yup Have I ever skipped school? Yup, karma got me though Have I ever started a rumour? Idk I hope not Have I ever thrown up in the car? Uh?? I dunno man How long does it take for me to get ready? Not long, I spend most of my getting ready time drinking tea How many relationships have I ever had? Just the one How old was I when I first got my period? I dunno like 12 How tall am I? 5ft 8? What am I most likely to be doing when I am outside? Walking most probably What am I usually doing on a Friday night? Sitting in bed What are my favourite bands? God um, Arctic Monkeys, Two Door Cinema Club, RHCP, Green Day, Gorillaz - idk it changes every 10 minutes What are my favourite flowers? Roses, Daffodils What can I smell in the air? Not much really, maybe shea perfume What colours mostly dominate my wardrobe? Black, blue, crimson What is my appearance like? Pale complexion, brown hair, blue eyes What is my culture? Idk, white british? Is that right? What is my current wallpaper on my phone? A collage of the same picture of my boyfriends face What is my full name and why did I get it? Amy Helen Blackford, because my parents chose it lmao What is my greatest strength? Lmao probably art, I’m just mediocre at everything What is my greatest weakness? Nerves. What is my guilty pleasure? The 80s What is my Hogwarts house? Ravenclaw What is my most expensive piece of clothing? Uh a pair of duck egg coloured docs at a guess What is my most heavily used makeup product? Revolution Flawless Matte 2 What is my most used phrase? Currently “lmao” or “man” cause I’m a generic piece of shit What is my most used word? I don’t really have a personal word count so.. What is my personality like? A bit bland, occasionally funny, easily pissed off, indecisive, persistent, annoying What is my personality type? INTP? Idk I had to google this one What is my religion? Unspecified, I’m not bound to a religion and I as never baptised - who knows what / if I’ll be. What is my spirit animal? What is my strangest talent? Uh, this is a weird one but if I were to place my hands as if I were to clap them I can make a weird ass fart noise with my hands?? I haven’t got any decent talents. I’m a bit useless. Oh wait I can cross my legs twice too What is my zodiac sign? Gemini What is one trend that I completely bought into? The 90s trend? What is something I can’t do no matter how hard I try? Fucking piano exams. Playing piano in front of people. Guitar. What is something I hated as a child that I like now? God, too many things. Eminem, the colour pink, more feminine things What is the last thing I bought? Other than my final set of driving lessons, I bought my boyfriend Mass Effect Andromeda What is the longest I’ve ever gone without sleep? Probably like 20 hours? 22? What is the pet I would like to have? Just more dogs, oh, and a fox What is the worst injury I’ve ever gotten? Spraining my wrist, I’m a bore What language do I want to learn? I know some French, but I’d like to be fluent What video games do I play when I want to relax? Destiny, Overwatch, GTA V.. What was the last book I read? Black-Eyed Susans What was the last movie I saw? Ghost in the Shell, cinema last night What word do I always use as an exclamation? FUCK! What word do I always use to describe something great? Like anything positive, it can range from “cool” to “HOLY SHIT” Where do I currently live? Near Leicester, UK Which is my favourite season? Summer / Autumn

Favourites

What is my favourite accent? French, Russian, posh British (Southern), German, Italian.. most accents really What is my favourite animal? Just dogs, I fucking love dogs What is my favourite band? I dunno this! It changes every 10 minutes! What is my favourite childhood book? I had this giant bumper Disney book What is my favourite colour? Pastel pink, blues, yellows, greens What is my favourite drink? TEA. What is my favourite flavour of ice cream? Vanilla What is my favourite food to eat on a rainy day? Soup What is my favourite food to eat on a sunny day? Depends, if it’s hot then ice cream! What is my favourite number? 19, no reason it’s just a nice number What is my favourite place on the planet? Scotland What is my favourite radio station? Radio X What is my favourite sandwich? Ham, cheese, lettuce, cucumber and salsa (specifically Subway #NotSpon) What is my favourite snack? Tea and biscuits What is my favourite song? Currently Love by Lana Del Rey What is my favourite swear word? Fuck. It just fits every situation. What is my favourite word? I just came across the word “Idiosyncratic” meaning distinctive, individual and I love it. What is my favourite thing to wear? It’s generic but mom jeans, they’re comfortable as fuck and I have a pair with flowers on so they’re super pretty !

People

Do I remember the day I met …? My boyfriend. The day I met him. Hell yeah he was a weird kid standing on a table - he shook up an energy drink (specifically Rockstar Guava which I happen to love) and stabbed it with a pin so it spirted out. He continued to do this for a few days. Little did I know it was actually to get my attention specifically. How are my mother and I similar and different? We looked exactly the same at the age of 5. However she is very quick to judge people I am not so What are the compliments I have given other people? I like your outfit, makeup, eyes, hair, smile, eye colour, music taste, art skills What are the compliments people have given me? Nice outfit, You’re pretty What do my best friend and I have in common? We’re both gemini and left-handed. This is also my boyfriend. I have a few other close friends but idk if they consider me as close What gifts would I like to give everyone? Everything they want. Paints, anything yellow, games, clothes, anything. What if I could meet anyone on this planet – who would I choose? Bob Ross Where is my best friend? At work, sucks to be him. Which actors & actresses do I trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? Leo DiCaprio, um.. Which teachers inspired me the most? None of my school teachers Who are my favourite characters? From what TV shows? Tony Stonem, Cassie Ainsworth - Skins. I can’t think of any film ones right now.. Who are my friends? Everyone in my college course, a few I met on Xbox Who are my parents? The ones who.. y’know, made me. Those people. Who are my sisters? Just the one, she’s annoying. Jk lmao. Who are the new people I met? – their names and where we met. Kirstyyy!! Met at college and became friends cause she was wearing an MCR shirt that day. Plus all the other folks at college. Who are the writers I trust enough to read anything they write? I need to fuckin read more. Who brings the sunshine on the days I see nothing but a grey sky? The bae lmao plus all my friends. Who is my best friend? I swear we have had this question. Who is my celebrity crush? 90s: Leo DiCaprio, Angelina Jolie, Winona Ryder. But also Kaya Scodelario, Chris Pratt. Mate just anyone if they’re famous and reasonably attractive. Who is my favourite youtuber? Emma Blackery, basically the only youtuber I still have the time and patience to watch Who is my role model? Probably Emma Blackery Who is my secret valentine? Secret one? Uh, the bae. SECRETS OUT LADS Who is someone I admire? Admiration and appreciate for Bob Ross if you please Who is someone that saved me? Nathan, from my cripplingly low self-confidence and ability to speak to people Who is the most intelligent person I know? This guy called Jamie, can play guitars ambidextrously, is a killer at maths and science. Who is the most supportive person in my life right now? Nathan and Kirsty thx u guys Who was the last person I texted? NATHAN Who would I like to go on a midnight adventure with? Idk man who was I just talkin about Who would I love to randomly see this week? Any friends, I love meeting up with friendos! Who would I really like to hug? NATHAAN Who would I really like to punch? NATHAAAAAAAAAN Why am I grateful for …? Who? Nathan? Cause he’s cool, talks about problems n shit, treatin me right Why am I grateful for dad? Cause he helps me out with a lot of shit Why am I grateful for mum? Same as dad to be fair

Music

A playlist for 12-year-old me - Every album ever written by; My Chemical Romance, Black Veil Brides, Fall Out Boy A playlist for throwback Thursday, Bohemian Rhapsody, Daydream Believer, Spin me around, Snow (Hey oh), I’m Just Here For The Free Beer A playlist for when I’m angry - Survival, This means war, Lake of Fire A playlist for when I’m in love - Spin Me Around, Love A playlist for when I’m in the mood to party My House, I’m not in love, Earthquake A playlist for when I’m sad - Everybody’s gotta learn sometime, Kitchen Sink A playlist of songs that I have on repeat - My house, Where the girls at, A playlist that makes me want to dance - Nancy Mulligan, Galway Girl A playlist that makes me want to sing - Mr Brightside, Ruby, Chelse Dagger, Don’t you want me A playlist to inspire me - Anything by Lana A playlist to listen to on the bus/train - Anything by Lana, Twenty one pilots A playlist with the classics - Like a Prayer, True Colours, A song that really speaks to me - I’m honestly not sure A song that was stuck in my head today - Love, by Lana Bands and their logos - Arctic Monkey’s logo is cool, as is Nirvana’s Song lyrics - “I wanna fuck a dog in the ass” lmao just the funniest lyrics I know from Blink 182 What are the first 6 songs when I put my playlist on shuffle? Semi-Automatic, Are you gonna be my girl, First Date, Blue Jeans, Walk, Lake of Fire What song always brings a smile to my face? Spin me around

Places

A place where the architecture made me want to wake up and see the city skyline every morning - Not that I’ve been there but New York A place where the customer service made me tip £100 - God I hope that’s not a thing A place where the memories were unforgettable - I know too many places for this A place where the nature made me want to live in the middle of nowhere - Scotlandddd A place where the people restored my faith in humanity - Scotlaaanddddd How to get to my favourite place - A seven hour ball-ache of a drive to..... SCOTTLAAAAANDDD Places I have never been to but want to see. Grand Canyon, Great Wall fo China, Great Barrier Reef, The Phillippines, Canada Somewhere I want to go before I die - Australia / America Somewhere I want to go before I turn 20 - ‘MURICAAA Somewhere I would rather be right now. - Wait for it.... SCOTLAAAAND What are the popular places in town? - In my town? The cinema, Costa? I dunno What is the worst place I’ve been to? Blackpool. Where is my favourite place to shop? Urban Outfitters Where was I born? George Eliot Hospital

Lists

A list of every single song on the albums released by my fav bands “fav” lmao I’m dying can I just list some good songs here thanks

Stolen Dance - Milky Chance Blue Jeans - Lana Del Rey Trees - twenty one pilots Stan - Eminem Human - Rag’n’Bone Man Nancy Mulligan - Ed Sheeran

I cant think of any more

Every tom and jerry’s ice cream flavour (I want to try).

Fuck my LIFE all of them

Places I would like to see.

Grand Canyon Niagra Falls Cute beaches Mountains

Sounds I like.

Piano Birds Water

Sounds I dislike.

My dad shouting up the stairs at me : ))

Sports I like.

Badminton Basketball

Star signs.

Gemini? Idk??

The first 5 things I saw on my way home.

I only left the house for my driving lesson today idk

The first 5 words that come to mind.

I don’t know what to write

The main roman gods.

Is this a test

The main Greek gods.

Zeus. The end.

Things I don’t own but like.

Self appreciation

Things I want to buy.

An iPhone 6S, I have an iPhone 5S and the home button’s broken

Top 10 episodes to watch

Skins S1 Ep’s 1-9, then carry on. Just go past 10 episodes and finish S2.

Top 10 favourite quotes.

“What, you egg! [He stabs him]”

“Hamlet: O fuck. [Exit Hamlet]”

I probably have some favourite serious quotes but I forgot them

Top 10 movies to watch.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 10 Cloverfield Lane Every single Harry Potter Girl, Interrupted Every single Star Wars

Techically that’s more than 10

Top 10 people I want to meet.

I’m not even sure, Emma Blackery? Bob Ross if he were here?

Top 10 places in Manchester.

None I want to visit.

Top 10 restaurants I love.

Rossini’s, Prezzo (though I actually recently heard bad reviews so I may retract that one), Zizzi’s, Windsor Tiffin

What is the sentence on line 13 of page 23 in the book nearest to me?

The book nearest me is a Piano book and I’m not going to write sheet music on here. The song on Pg. 23 is called Here, There and Everywhere though

What movies do I watch when I’m feeling down?

Kids movies - Toy Story, Finding Nemo etc

What tv shows do I always recommend?

Sk-Sk-Sk.. SKINS

What were my favourite tv shows as a child?

Doctor Who (I accidentally just typed Doctor Whom and I’m pissing myself holy shit), Tracey Beaker, 50/50, Raven, Trapped! Drake and Josh

What words don’t seem real to me?

Albertopolis, Bindlestiff

Wish list

That fucking iPhone 6S

Experiences/Memories

A memory in summer

Walks down to a nearby village to have picnics

A memory in winter

A drunkard Christmas party in which I threw up on myself 3 times, twice missing a plastic bag as it was folded over and the sick just kinda rolled onto me.

A memory with my family.

Going to France

A memory with my friends.

Wetherspoons Wednesday!!

I’ll never forget the day (a teacher) did this.

Made me write a half page essay about a poem as I did not answer 3 questions on it for homework. I completed this essay in about 2 minutes having read the poem, she looked shocked I’d done it so fact so I got up and left.

Memories from high school

“Are you emo?” “Are you goth?” “You were a lot of black” None of this I do anymore.

Special moments I want to witness.

One of my mates weddings, he’s engaged

The story behind my first kiss

The most awkward peck on a street corner as a goodbye, however it was good

The story behind my last kiss

It simply just happened, probably again as a goodbye for the night

The stories behind my scars

I have a scar on my chin, about an inch and a half in length due to a birthmark I had removed at the age of 8.

What are the memories I never want to forget?

Basically everything the year I met Nathan and everything this year for these have been some of the happiest years of my life.

What is my saddest memory?

I recently lost a guinea pig I’d owned for 4 years, I hadn’t had the time to give her attention in the latter months of her life so I never really said goodbye to her. I’ll regret it forever.

What is the first thing I remember?

Being pushed down the slide by some bitch called Charlotte at the age of about 2. I was really pissed and blamed her up until about 6 months ago when I realised I was in fact the asshole as I was climbing up the slide. I didn’t see the problem with climbing up it until recently lmao

What is the funniest thing I remember?

Um.. itS SEXUAL SO... I’ll save it for another time.

What was my most embarrassing moment?

I was on a school trip, they took all of our water bottles off us on arriving at the destination. I was parched as I never got my water bottle back like everyone else, and when I did I drank the entire thing and it went through me. On the way home from the school trip I had to stop the entire double decker coach because I was about to piss myself.

What was the happiest day of my life?

Idk meeting Nathan for the first time and going on a three hour walk around my small village

What was the last concert I went to?

Busted, last May

What was the most amazing thing I’ve ever witnessed?

Breathtaking views from Scottish Mountains?

What was the most disappointing thing in my life?

I’d been wanting a Nintendo DS lite for a good year, every time the adverts came on I’d scream about how I wanted the pink one. Did I get one? No. My younger sister, aged 4 at the time got one.

What was the most nervous I’ve ever been?

Holy shit there are so many examples, having teeth out etc.. Most recent though was a piano exam I was 100% prepared for, in the exam my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t play.

What was the saddest day of my life?

Finding out my boyfriend had done something which apparently I later found out he didn’t do, at the time I was distraught however.

When was I last scared for my life?

I don’t think I legitimately ever have been

Letters

A note to my favourite teachers. You were great.

Dear Nathan, I would like to tell you. That you’re awesome and you should love me forever lmao

Dear 5-year-old me. MAKE FRIENDS YOU FUCK

Dear 10-year-old me. GET PIANO LESSONS NOW YOU FUCK

Dear 13-year-old me. STOP BEING EMO YOU FUCK

Dear 15-year-old me. WELL DONE, YOU’RE IMPROVING BUT SORT UR HAIR OUT

Dear 16-year-old me. Ur gonna be fine, look at u now, cheer up man

Dear 18-year-old me. Get drunk, go on, ur 2 months ahead of me

Dear 21-year-old me. IF YOU DIDNT GRADUATE FROM UNI I WILL CRY

Dear 25-year-old me. I hope you have a house and your engaged or something decent, please have a job

Dear all the boys I’ve liked. Lmao why did I like you

Dear someone I need to forgive. You’re forgiven, whoever you are?

Letters to my future children. fuck off you sperm cells

Questions to answer

A wise person learns from the mistakes of others – do I agree? No, a person becomes wise from learning from their own mistakes.

Advice to any if the new kids at sf. At the what?

Am I a bad loser? It depends what it is :(((

Am I a good liar? If I want to be

Am I a writer? Hell I wish

Am I an artist? I mean sort of

Am I good at giving advice? Hell I wish

Am I happy with myself? Good joke

Am I happy with the person I’ve become? Well from what I was, yes

Am I the kind of friend I would like to have as a friend? Ew no

Books I always reread. Uh..

Can insanity bring on more creativity? I think so, sadness does

Do I admit when I’m wrong? Rarely

Do I believe that people are capable of change? Sometimes, but remember I said I hold grudges so I’d probably not trust you for years

Do I belong here? Belong where? I’m in bed so fuck yea

Do I hold grudges? WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT

Do I have trust issues? Yup..

Do I like confrontation? I can confront people, but I don’t like being confronted

Do I live or do I just exist? Existing, waiting to live.

Do I prefer to be on camera or behind it? Behind, but if I totally had the confidence I’d wanna be in there

Do I really want a cat? Cats are cool

Do I trust easily? What the fuck this is the same question, no I do not

Have I ever been bullied? Sorta?

Have I ever been on a date? I don’t even know lol

Have I ever felt like I wasn’t enough? All the time

Have I ever felt rejected by my friends/family? All the time

Have I ever had a friend turn into an enemy? Idk some former friends hate me, and I hate some former friends. No enemies, no arguments though.

Have I ever had a paranormal experience? Used to see someone walk around my dads house and hear banging in the loft - both stopped around the same time however so they’re probably related.

Have I ever had a public perception of me change from good to bad? Idk, Idk what “the public” think of me

Have I ever had a song or poem written about me? No but how cute would that be

Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? WHAT WAS I SAYING ABOUT PIANO.

Have I learnt from my mistakes? Yes but I never follow through cause I’m useless

How am I feeling? Useless man I should be doing college work

How do I find comfort when I’m sad? Tea and biscuits.

How do I vent my anger? Arguing, shouting.. it’s bad.

How do I want to be remembered? As a decent person

How could I avoid getting hurt? Pretend you’re not. Be sarcastic n fuckin take it like a truck.

How does a (any appliance around the home) work? Well you see, with a vacuum right, you plug it in and you turn it on. Then it sucks away the dirty shit on your floor. Why is this a question.

How I think will determine how I live – agree or not? Yeah, your thoughts impact your decisions, your decisions impact what happens around you.

How would I define my sense of humour? Sometimes dark, sometimes punny, memes, shit.

What am I like when I’m angry? Argumentative, aggressive, talk back

What am I most afraid of? Being forgotten, left behind

What are some things that stand between me and complete happiness? Self-confidence, nerves

What did I like about being a kid? Not giving a fuck

What did I want to be when I was younger? Fashion designer, teacher, hair dresser, doctor, F1 driver, artist.. you name it.

What do I admire most in others? Kindness, generosity, respectfulness

What do I hate about sf? WHAT THE FUCK IS SF

What do I hate most about myself? My huge ass nose, teeth, nerves, personality

What do I love most about myself? The fact my eyes are blue ?

What do I notice first when I see someone? Eyes

What do I think about selfies? Sometimes I take good ones

What do I think about the most? Tea

What do I think could be improved in the educational system? Pretty much all of it, the way personal and social skills is taught specifically.

What do I think people think of me? Annoying

What do I touch first when I stick my arms out? My dog

What do I wish I didn’t miss? Um?

What do I wish for every night? To be more productive, a cup of tea

What does a rainbow mean to me? Usually that it’s been raining, I’m pretty black and white.

What fictional character do I wish was real? None really?

What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? Harry Potter or something, maybe X men. Have a wand or some special ability, it’d be cool.

What is an experience that has made me stronger? Getting a job which requires speaking to people

What is an item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? My half 50p necklace

What is my biggest dream and how do I plan on making it become a reality? Going travelling.. I have no idea how.

What is my biggest what if? What if I’d never met Nathan. Would I be a not talkative emo fuck

What is my greatest achievement? Designing the logo for my local carnival? Designing a company brochure (in the making)

What is my greatest failure? Hopefully not my driving test next week.

What is my secret weapon to get someone to like me? Uh. My killer dank memes.

What is one aspect of myself that I feel confident about? My makeup.

What is one thing I am interested in learning more about? North Korea

What is something that makes me feel vulnerable? My nerves and easy ability to be angry or upset by something

What is the best gift I’ve ever received? My half 50p necklace

What is the first thing I think of when I hear the word ‘heart’? FUcking hell.. the heart emoji. I want to die for that answer, but if I didn’t put it I’d be lying

What is the hardest lesson I have had to learn in life? What I do when I’m learning something, it won’t be perfect first time.

What is the ideal age to be and why? 18 forever, old enough to be responsible for yourself, young enough to go places and have fun.

What is the most scandalous situation I’ve ever been involved in? I broke into an abandoned house?

What is the nicest thing about a person? Their kindness

What is the single best decision I’ve made in my life so far? Switching to Graphic Design course over Art and Design cause the people on Art and Design were shit and I wasn’t happy.

What is the single worst decision I’ve made in my life so far? Being emo aged 12-15

What makes a great relationship? A good balance of friendship, love and lust.

What makes me smile? A good joke, hanging with friends What motivates me to succeed? University, the idea of success

What part of my life would I relive if I could? Most of my childhood?

What part of my life would I remove if I could? The old person part, I don’t wanna be frail, ill and dying unable to do anything and it’s just a waiting game to death.

What question am I afraid to tell the truth to? None really?

What questions would I ask to get to know someone better? What stuff they’re into?

What was I doing at 12am last night? Talking to friends

What was I like as a child and how did my personality change as I got older? More understanding, loving, friendly now

What was my favourite subject in school? Art What was the last lie I told? I can’t remember, who knows, I could’ve been lied to and I don’t know

What was the most ridiculous thing that made me cry? My piano exam, having my teeth out, several films, nothing

What will I do in university? GRAPHIC DESIGN BOI I’M EXCITED

What would I change about my sf? My what the fuck

What would I change about my life if you knew I would never die? Uh.. I don’t wanna not ever die it’d be lonely.

What would I change about the world? Be rid of the old arseholes in Government, disrespectful people, terrorists

What would I like to change this year? BE MORE PRODUCTIVE (ironic I’ve been doing this for over an hour)

What would I do differently if you knew that no one was judging me? Everything.

What would I do in the event of an apocalypse? Probably plan a living strategy

What would I have to see to cry tears of joy? Dogs.

What would I want written on my tombstone? Idk probably something funny like “Active 23 mins ago” or some quote I like

When did I experience stage fright or nervousness in front of a crowd? FUCKING. PIANO. EXAM.

When do I feel most at peace? In bed.

When did I last send a handwritten letter to someone? My french pen friend, year 8

When did I not speak up, when I know I really should have? Several times.

When did I witness something controversial and had to keep it a secret? I don’t think so

When was the last time I cried? Wednesdy, over my FUCKING PIANO EXAM

Where do I see myself in 10 years’ time? uh, in my own house I hope

Where do I want to live? Still not figured this one out

Where is the best place to get pizza? Rossini’s omg

Where would I go if I got a plane ticket to anywhere? ‘MURICAAA

Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? Brains

Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? Used to just be girls but now both really

Who do I miss the most? No one?

Who do I need the most? Nobody cause IM A FREE WOMAN

Why couldn’t I get out of bed this morning? Because it’s me and I’m lazy.

Why couldn’t I sleep last night? Because it’s me and I’m shit.

Why do I hate insects? Because it’s me and I hate them.

Why do dogs hate me and I hate them? Wait what no

Will you lend me a hand – how do I think this idiom got started? Because I can’t carry something or I’m confused

Would I ever spread gossip? I hope not

Would people consider me a diva? I hope not? I don;t think I am?

5 notes · View notes

frogsandfries · 7 years ago

Text

Does anyone else ever have these moments......kind of like, out of body, intensely surreal, kinda feel like breaking the matrix, so to speak? I just feel like.......I'm not living the life I feel like I'm supposed to be living, and sometimes that feeling is really intense. Especially right now, when I'm waiting for....waiting for a job, waiting for a place to live, waiting for a place to carry on my studio work. I just feel really stuck right now. Like, even more stuck than I felt not having a steady job, because now I don't even have a place to sculpt. I also feel isolated. My parents don't really have any friends--no people they like, get coffee with or like, share hobbies with. My brother has a job, and I presume friends, people he sees movies with and journals about. My younger sister is trying to get her service career off the ground. My other sister I think had her license suspended, she has two kids and admitted recently that she doesn't have a lot of genuine friends. At least two of my friends probably think I never really considered them friends at all because they never hear from me. One friend goes out of her way to not let me off the communication hook, since I've reminded her I'm awful at using the internet to maintain my friendships. I don't really have any good news to share--I just got dumped, after all, and I'm practically homeless. No one wants to hear about that..... And every time I hit a bump in the road, I feel like it sets me back even further from wherever it is I'm trying to be. It sets me back even further from building my network, building my audience, making friends who I can see every day and really build those strong relationships I've been missing in my life. I mean, someone like me, whose practice is kind of varied and experimental, and follows my whims--sometimes I feel like I'm just crippling myself, because sometimes I write and sometimes I sculpt charms and sometimes I stab thread into cloth and sometimes I make dolls and sometimes I make figurines. And it doesn't even end there. I've been holding off on wanting to felt, but I want to experiment with felting. I'm just not really inspired to any specific thing that I want to felt, so that kind of stays my hand when I'm looking at roving. The embroidery thing is about patches, because I've kind of always had a thing for flair and patches and buttons, and I wanted to make some patches that I would like to own, like Sailor Moon's wand or a "please throw away your [Nazi instead of garbage]" sign, which I think was inspired by something, but I can't remember what. I was also working on making a coloring book inspired embroidery collage, but that project is on hold in a big way. The felt thing was more inspired by something I saw another student make. She made this wood thing, with ridges of very hard felted merino, and I thought, wouldn't that be the coolest thing: A very soft looking plushie, or maybe a collection of them, that are very hard, not squishy at all, but still brightly colored and very soft to the touch. I guess there's this one character I have in mind, a turtle anthro. I might also make a humanoid, like a chibi or something. Maybe a dragon. I know it would take a lot of time and a lot of materials, and other than to see what it would be like, I don't really have like, a creative mission as to why I would do something like that. I guess as an artist, I'm really driven by two things: A slightly less-than-scientific curiosity and my desire to share. But.....is that enough to earn me an audience? Like, would people give me money because I'm curious about what if I did this, what would this look like, how would this feel, or I made this thing I want someone else to own? I started making BJDs because I wanted to sculpt a graphic novel, but the graphic novel is kind of.....less likely to exist. I began to strive to create not just one, but a succession of dolls, so that in a way, I could feel like I was collaborating with other artists who wanted to interact with my work enough that they would buy my creation and then customize it. I hope one day, hopefully soon, not only will I finally sculpt a doll that I love (because I did that with my frog prince and his princess), but I will finally cast my line of modular micros. But I should cast the princess and the frog too (I just have to find them/hope I still have them). And maybe I'll make more tiny human and humanoid BJDs. Honestly, why didn't I create a line of small human dolls? They were so quick and stress-free (but a high pressure project--I had hoped to sculpt a third but ran out of time for all the things I wanted to do), plus I have a whole line of characters. But could you imagine using that size of doll (I think about fifteen centimeters) to act out a full novel? A person would probably be driven mad. Imagine all the copies of bodies that would have to be cast, and the copies of face plates--how many expressions? And then the sewing. I would definitely have to hire someone, or use basic clothes and do some drawing. As it was, I'd originally thought about illustrating backgrounds and background characters. Hmmmmmm..........well......... This is definitely the life I'm trying to get back to living. Plus, on my way to get some lunch, I couldn't stop smiling. Earlier today, I was telling my dad how irritated I was. This was supposed to be the year I started trying to start my family. But even though I know after all I've been through, I can do it, I was stuck with someone who projected their fears and insecurities onto me. Now it's just me. And it's the twenty-first fucking century. I don't need to try to find a one-night stand who's disease-free. I can purchase sperm; I can build a relationship with my gyno, and have her set me on the right track to increasing my fertility and increasing my chances of conceiving. I'm still young enough that it should be relatively simple and straightforward, but if not, I have the time to put together the money for potentially more complicated procedures. I couldn't stop smiling because nobody tells me what I'm capable of, or not. I tell you. And then I show you. And even though it's still going to take time, at least I don't have to deal with someone else telling me how they're judging me for how I'm raising my child, and I don't have to try to compete or collaborate with someone else to raise my child. I also wanted this year to be the year I really dug in and went after my career--honestly, I'm not sure what that means, except that I want to go after the paying job that I dream of, and I guess I want more people to know about me, a sculptor, and my projects. I know I could probably run four or five different blogs or Instagrams or websites, or whatever, with the variety of stuff that I do in my studio. Part of me wants to keep all of this mashed together (so probably my artblr), but part of me wants to separate certain things (like my still-possible graphic novel, and my pokemon project). But to separate these things and try, for example, to set up a Patreon for just one project, would mean committing to that one project. By the other stroke, it would probably be too vague to convince people to just support me doing whatever random stuff I'm up to this week. And while part of me wants to just buckle down and learn to focus on one thing at a time, it feels like a harder thing than it sounds. First, thinking to myself that I have to focus on this one thing freaks me out to the point where I become almost scared to work on it, or I make myself sick of it. Second, I think of it as having other puzzles to work on while I'm stumped on one puzzle. The third thing is, I'm still a little scared of the end of projects. Even though I've got all this stuff on my mind, even though I talk all the time about how I'm sick to death of this story in my head, even though I come up with new projects that I want to work on all the time, even though I think of each individual pokemon as an individual piece (which they each are; individual pieces of a collection), for some reason, I'm scared to come to the final end of a project and not have anymore projects to work on. I'm terrified too of straight up burning out and wasting time being too sick of the only project I have to work on. I'm not really sure how to tackle these fears. I've tried, for example, just focusing on my oldest project: Kitty's journal, the last final draft of this novel. It's been like three weeks of pretty much just straight writing and all I want is to sculpt. I want to sculpt the way some people want to drink or smoke or work or take care of a pet: It takes the edge off, for me. It helps me get my head back in a good, solid place. For me, the physical act of writing is very meditative, but it's hard for me to settle down to start writing. I don't know why I fight it so hard--I would rather clean out my email, text some people, scroll through Tumblr fifty times, scroll through Facebook until the browser freezes, click all the clickbait, scroll through Tumblr again juuuussssst in case I missed something, and go research a bunch of obscure questions that have conveniently occurred to me before finally shutting off my 3G and WiFi on my phone, and writing. When I start writing, I often don't want to stop. Until I'm done procrastinating, I would rather have some clay in my hands. I just......wish I knew what life I'm supposed to be living. I wish someone would tell me like, "Don't worry about having a baby. You're gonna meet the perfect person in seven. months, two weeks and three days and two years after that, you'll both get a house and start a family." Or, "Go ahead and prepare to have a baby by yourself; it's going to take you the next two years, and before that you'll get your dream library position. You'll be an amazing single mother, you'll become recognized in your community for your studio work, and that happiness will multiply." Orrrrr..........idk....... "If you move to [this place], events will conspire." Or "Because this happened, this will happen." idk Something. I just want, like, a sign. Where am I supposed to be, where do I need to be? I mean, my instinct says California or Washington. I don't know exactly why. Or is it my instinct? All common sense says, without question, there's nothing left for me here in Wisconsin. Common sense would also suggest moving somewhere with a lower cost of living index than where I currently am. If I live with no strings attached, no extra financial obligations on my plate, then rent becomes less of a concern and finding a community where I feel like I belong, or finding a job that I could spend the rest of my life loving. Besides, in my experience, more people means cheaper food, which means more money in pocket for other uses. I can definitely say, my gut definitely says states like Alabama and Mississippi should generally be avoided. I can't handle the stress of having to negotiate mostly religious communities. Bad enough the rare instances when someone tells me they'll pray for me give me an aneurysm. Religion=bad. Ignorance=bad. Open-mindedness=good. Free-flowing ideas=good. If I had to say, where there is an abundance of people, there is an abundance of thoughts and ideas.... And that's what sounds the best to me: Abundance of people and ideas. Cheaper food. Not worrying about rent. Now I just have to wrench myself free from no-job-no-studio limbo, get some money feeding into my pocket regularly (I checked in today with the manager of the place my brother works; this guy said he'll let me know when I work, but I guess basically I'm on call/they're going to take me for a paid test drive), get some money together for a box on wheels (that's going to take time for sure), sort through my abundance of possessions so it's no longer an abundance, and turn the box into a home. Then get the box......somewhere that is not Wisconsin........ I'm going to try to go back to Wal-Mart. My dad's been telling me how he basically never sees the store he actually works for, which I like the sound of. I'm trying to figure out how I can pull off something similar, but in a way that will get me moving west. I just have to remember that I swore off stabbing myself in the foot or letting an unforeseen event get me too down to shape it into a positive event. Any work is better than none, and tomorrow, I'm going to continue using the library as my impromptu/interim study. I want to get there early, do all my social media silliness, plug in my headphones and just go. I want to see how much writing I can actually get done when I put my mind to it. I really want to do my best to write as much of this rough draft as possible in the remaining calendar year. I'm going to shape my remaining time in limbo into a positive event. This job, whether I'm working one shift a week or seven, is going to be a good first step out of limbo. It's going to help me start enacting my goal to save as much money as I can. It's going to give me a chance to get out of this isolation that I've put myself into. It's going to help me occasionally switch my gears. And I only have to do it until late September, by which time, I should have my license and may be able to get back into retail....and if not, I have another idea, maybe. And that, I'll only have to do till spring. I mean, I still want to settle into something, but job I'm going to hold here in Wisconsin is going to be permanent anyway. I've spent too much time here as it is. Now I'm just here till I can acquire a living space on wheels, and customize that space for myself. When I can live in that space in hot and cold, and maximize my studio productivity year-round, it will be time to fly. Having a plan of attack, a direction to pursue, helps me feel less like I'm stuck in limbo, less prone to these out-of-body kinds of experiences.

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fjesusindependent2021 · 3 years ago

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self evaluation

Even though I feel like the website is not good enough for my standards, I think I got my ideas across. Inspired by Shana Moulton’s alter ego ‘Cynthia’, whose main focus is modern anxieties, and general post-internet art, I decided I wanted to create a website as a capsule of small pieces, or as my tutor called it, a big digital collage. In this website I knew I wanted to focus on wellness culture and how it is intrinsically intertwined with capitalism, and how it affects us.

I especially wanted to ‘take stabs’ at silly products/services such as ‘colonics’ ,’vajacials’ and ‘IV Drip therapy’ - things we do not really need and might even be harmful for us.

I feel like I was too ambitious with this idea given the very short timeline we were given. I also didn’t foresee my mental health struggles, which delayed me massively. As someone who had never properly used Photoshop before, I’m proud of how much I learned by using it on this project. Had I had more time, I would’ve created more gifs/images/videos and done more research, as I did not research everything I was recommended and I think it would have been beneficial for me to have. As mentioned in my blog, I filmed one video and shot one stop motion piece that didn’t make the final cut. Since I plan on keeping the website, throughout the summer I hope I can add those and some more pieces to it. I also hope to explore more silly products such as ‘essential oils for X,Y, Z’ , IV drip therapy, detox juices, and appetite suppressant lollipops. I also wish I explored more of the layers of the website - I feel like I could’ve done more with pages that lead to different pages, creating something like a digital maze.

My main focus on this project was quantity over quality - I wanted the website to feel overwhelming, even though I don’t think I reached the level of ‘overwhelmingness’ I wanted to. I think the low quality, lowbrow art and crude language fits the aesthetic perfectly. I knew I wanted to shift from completely absurd pieces (‘vibe-cleansing nipple crystals’) to self-aware ones (the ‘give me your money’ webpage) and I think I managed to get that across. I feel like the level of humour was appropriate and it pieced the project together; the humour being the final piece that gets the idea across. The GIFs of the lips talking were added last minute but I think it fits well with the idea that these wellness fads seem to appear from unknown, ignorant mouths.

All in all, I like this idea and I’m proud of what I managed to do given my circumstances. This project allowed me to explore digital and post-internet art - which are practices I hope to follow in my future career, in the likes of Shana Moulton and Agusta Yr. It also helped me pinpoint a recurring theme in my projects - the female experience of existing in today’s society and what it expects from our bodies/what we do to try and fit in the beauty standards, even if subconsciously.

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anonymousafterthoughts · 4 years ago

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This week has been PACKED with edits for Five Glass Flowers and navigating round one of the Feedback Phase of #WriterInMotion. First off, I was BLESSED to be paired with Jeff and Sara as Critique Partners for this round. They’re both writing Science Fiction as well and are familiar with some of the genre-specific elements I brought to my story. So a massive THANK YOU to both of them for their invaluable insight, suggestions, and, of course, for trusting me with their work as well.

Market & Genre: Science Fiction, Literary lean, Dystopian

Word Count: 1,210

Loose Comparisons & Inspirations: Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer, Orange by Ichigo Takano, and Inception.

Trigger Warning: Five Glass Flowers is set in a world with assisted suicide and touches on mental health. This isn’t fleshed out entirely at the moment, but it’s pretty obvious in this draft. The completed version will also allude to a light rail bombing (so, warn future you maybe) but this isn’t touched on yet.

I read the feedback side-by-side and made lists based on areas of concern: 1) what did both CPs like? 2) What was unclear to them? 3) Did the haunted, dystopian vibes come through? 4) Was everything balanced?

Most of the suggestions were minor–a need for clarity here, an awkward sentence there–but the real joy was seeing how they interacted with and processed the content. It’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve written any sort of science fiction, so I was concerned it didn’t fit enough within the genre or that the story, given its literary lean, might be confusing in some way. However, Jeff and Sara both swept those worries out the door! I love how Jeff came across the title of this chapter (The Janus Project) and did his own little research about it. I’d deliberately picked JANUS because it’s the name of the Roman God of doorways, time, transitions, and endings. I enjoy embedding meaning everywhere, and was tickled when Jeff picked up on this right away.

I also appreciated his attention to detail, such as pointing out the awkwardness of Asra’s position in the opening line or prodding me to elaborate on how the tally on the hologlass was discreet. His style of critiquing is similar to mine: stream of consciousness, reader reaction, and the occasional quill stab for needed edits (only I think he’s nicer at that than me LOL). Both Jeff and Sara has similar suggestions, which indicated certain things SANG and a few things SUNK, but I liked the consistency in feedback. For example, there’s a line where the narrator points out that priets “don’t usually help someone die” and both CPs countered that, technically, one could argue they DID. So I adjusted the sentence to flat out say suicide so that a line is drawn between guiding one to their natural death versus allowing something a priest wouldn’t normally condone.

Sara’s style was a little more sparse and less reader reaction, but her insight was so helpful to catching potential world-holes and unclear exposition. For example, I’d never explained the whole reason behind Asra having THREE Caseworkers during her year of mandatory therapy. At the time, I wondered if that kind of info was even needed and left it out because I didn’t want to drag the story down with too much setting/backstory. However, Sara’s feedback revealed how unclear that section of the scene was and the kinds of questions it raised. I really appreciated her attention to details like this, especially since I have a tendency to be either painfully vague or vomit details everywhere. Her feedback gave me an idea of where to balance hints and reveals. She was also great at catching some of those little typos that like to sneak in!

My biggest concern was the atmosphere. I was shooting for haunting, mysterious, and poignant. I didn’t want the disturbing aspects of the world to overshadow the inescapable strangeness colliding with Asra Aeilstrom’s life. I worked to deepen her own backstory (settling on a traumatic subway bombing) about where her affliction came from. The first two versions were too vague in doing this, I think. The atmosphere was there, but the characterization…wasn’t. So I guess that was, more or less, my second big concern. Sara and Jeff expressed wanting to know more about Oblivion and why Asra is seeking it, so I think, to an extent, I’ve achieved building her character, but will need to also add her backstory in throughout the next few revisions. Here’s the overall feedback received:

The Janus Project

The causes of death on the state-issued certificates gently floated along the tinted hologlass walls. Asra stared up at them with permanent conviction, dark sunglasses lessening the glare of light:

Xu Heng, 32, Inconsolable sorrow after absorbing displaced emotions.

Torin Thallos, 17, An uncontrollable desire to be full.

Lucho Gálvez, 23, The belief that nothing–including oneself–exists.

Ella Walsh, 47, A longing for things that cannot be named.

Lorne Thale, 50, Fell Hopelessly In Love With Annihilation.

Ian Ito, 38, Hysterical fear of drowning in air.

Every forty seconds, the certificates flickered out of existence, new ones appeared, and this cycle repeated. A discreet tally sat in the bottom right corner of the glass, where the day’s successful journeys to Oblivion tick, tick, ticked like a 24-hour clock: 66, 000. 70,200. 82,350. 93,800. The clock never seemed to stop, even after it reset to zero.

“It’s a painless, peaceful process.”

The office door hissed open and the Caseworker shuffled in. He gave Asra a reassuring smile, gray eyes shining with plastic empathy through crooked frames.

“Are they all…have they chosen to…” Die.

Asra tore her gaze away from the hologlass, and settled it on the pamphlet in front of her. She’d read it countless times in her year of therapy after she made her decision. It was a requirement to know all the available options, even if one couldn’t afford them. Or, in her case, want them. If she closed her eyes, she could recite the entire pamphlet word-for-word, and yet, she couldn’t even recall–

“They chose Oblivion.”

As if rehearsed to a habit, the Caseworker reached out to console her with a light squeeze of a gloved hand. This, too, Asra was familiar with; she’d had three Caseworkers before this—completely normal for those of her particular situation—but they all behaved the same: a pitying smile here, a kind hand there, voice never above what was considered appropriate for a funeral. Asra slipped her hands off the table and into her lap, trying not to look at the slash of scars across her fingers. The Caseworker said nothing as he pulled up her chart and settled into his seat. A clinical silence hung between them.

Somewhere down the hall, whimpering began. A tea kettle whistled. A cheerful voice called for the head psychiatrist over the speakers. Caseworkers walked down the halls as if they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did. The smell of something sterile clung to air. Fingers tapped against a tablet. The hologlass tick, tick, ticked with new certificates. Shifting in her chair—one of those hard, plastic ones bolted to the floor—Asra tried not to interact with her surrounds, to listen too closely, but restlessness prevailed.

Once again, her eyes scoured the room one last time: the glass box of an office (or counseling room, depending on who you asked), walls of frosted hologlass and floors of snowy quartz. Everything was bleached with the brightness of the UV lights overhead. Absently, she pushed the darkened shades she wore up the bridge of her nose and pulled the hood of her jacket over her forehead. The offices were always kept at a constant 59 degrees. She’d never thought to ask why.

At last, her gaze settled on the man across the desk. Like all Oblivion Caseworkers, or OCs as everyone generally called them, he wore the standard lapis lazuli tunic that covered him from neck to ankles. An inverted triangular insignia sat snug against his Adam’s apple, shifting every time he swallowed, which wasn’t often. The name tag on his chest said Julian, and she wondered, doubted, whether that was even his real name. The OCs all looked freakishly similar, almost like priests.

Except priests didn’t usually help people commit suicide.

Asra cleared her throat. It was a harsh sound in the manufactured silence of the office. Those silver scars on her hands seemed to gleam in the lighting. “How long will it take?”

“Less than the time you’ve been suffering.” Julian’s smile grew softer, more pitiful. “The Janus Project prides itself on providing only the most compassionate state-issued Oblivion in the country. It will only take as long as you need it to. You’ll be transported to the doorway at –” he checked the location on his tablet “–the Howlan House. It’s as close to the site of the accident we can get you. Everything you need is already there, including the funeral materials, and alternative pathways, should you want them.”

“I don’t.”

“It’s there if you do.”

“There’s no point to it.”

The words broke the air as a hoarse whisper. She pulled the cuffs of her sweater over her hands, blinking furiously as spots clouded her vision. Alternative pathways, she wanted to scoff. As if she were a candidate for Transplant or Reboot. Asra waited for anxiety to wash over her, as the pamphlets had warned, but none came. She searched herself for pangs of regret or second thoughts, but as always, she felt nothing. Even as she touched the tablet the Caseworker slid across the table, she could sense neither the warmth of where his hands had been nor the coldness of the glass. Not even the weight of it registered. She caught an unfocused glimpse of her cheerless pale face and muted green eyes on the screen, though she couldn’t be sure it was her face anymore; it was diluted with their images–a jagged collage of features that belonged to other versions of herself living in alternate worlds. Other versions she had, unfortunately, collided with that harrowing day.

And since then, she felt nothing of herself.

Sensed nothing of this world.

Remembered nothing of her life.

Nothing except November the 20th, but she didn’t want the memory.

“Given your…. situation…. we want you to be as comfortable as possible. When you’re ready for Oblivion, it will embrace you. You will find peace, Asra.” He sounded so sure, she had no choice, but to believe him. The Caseworker indicated to the tinted walls and nodded at the tablet. “Shall we announce it?”

She pulled the tablet closer and froze, a hollowness burrowing deep into her chest. Her thumb brushed the photo of a house in a twilight-kissed field, the black shadows of mountains hovering in the distance. She wondered if she would have once found it beautiful, the fireflies drifting up like falling stars caught in reverse, or what the breeze caressing the patches of weeds would have felt like. She couldn’t see the suspended railway of the old Muika train line over the water, but she knew it was there.

“It’s as close as we could get you to the Fragmentation Zone.”

A memory skipped across Asra’s mind–a kaleidoscope of twisted metal, the snap of bones against water, putrid smoke–before it faded back into the shoebox she’d buried it in. She blinked, waiting for a voice of reason to echo, to say live, live, live. But nothing came. Nothing but a wetness sliding over her chilled cheeks, dropping in time with the relentless tick, tick, ticks of the walls, and onto the glass tomb housing her death certificate:

Asra Aeilstrom, 26, Fractured, Irreparable feeling of being out of place & time.

Five Glass Flowers Playlist

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Writer In Motion | Round One of CP Revisions This week has been PACKED with edits for Five Glass Flowers and navigating round one of the Feedback Phase of #WriterInMotion.

#WriterInMotion #literary fiction #Science fiction #short story

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overtune09 · 6 years ago

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nihilcr · 6 years ago

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I just want to say a big thank you to the people who messaged me about the passing of Jahseh. Those people will know how much I loved him and know what im going through now. I cant really say much other then Rest in Peace Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy you and your music kept me going through everything and anything and I greatly appreciate it. I made this collage to pay respect for everything you achieved and gave to everyone at such a young age. I love you. I woke up late this morning feeling like there was a dark cloud over me and there definitely is. Thank you to everyone who messaged me today it really means a lot. Ill leave you all with my level 3 English Speech on X and how he inspired me and also my auto biography in which I intertwined his lyrics from the song 'Lets pretend were numb'. There is alot to read. I dont expect you to read it all but if you are feeling the way im feeling it may help. If any of you are ever down about anything and struggling mentally please message me. I will try and help. I love you all. SPEECH: Intro: Why is some of my music depressing? Because when the lights are off, all the moneys gone,and the club scene is no more, I want you to be able to find comfort in me behind closed doors, when it all matters the most. - X Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy or as some of you may know him XXXTENTACION (pronounced X-X-X-tent-asi-ohn) or simply as X, was born on 23 January 1998. X grew up in Pompano Beach Florida but was thrown around the area because of his behaviour issues. At age 6, he plunged a glass shard into a man whom he believed was threatening his mother. He also got expelled in middle school for punting the mouth of a kid who had made fun of his mother. According to his own description, he was living the life of a "young savage" -- correctional houses, grandma's house, robbing houses. He built up a formidable list of offenses including : armed robbery, armed burglary, possession of a firearm, resisting arrest, three charges of grand theft and oxycodone possession. He was thrown in prison on October the 8th 2016 for supposedly beating his girlfriend at the time. During his imprisonment his music career popped off without any new releases or music videos. People started stumbling along his music on Soundcloud and supporting him, he was released from jail on March the 26th 2017. X, over the past couple years as gain some meaningful tattoos scattered across his body including Cleopatra along his chest which is his mother's name. The word “alone” tattooed above his left eyebrow. The word “numb” tattooed under his right eye. “Bad Vibes” tattooed on either eyelid. A broken heart under his left eye. An elephant on the front of his neck/throat area representing the whole idea of “an elephant in the room”, which is a metaphorical idiom for an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss. All these tattoos mean something close and personal to not only him but myself, but one sticks out in particular. Under the word numb is a tattoo of three dots in a line. These three dots or ellipsis represent life. X says that each dot stands for 1 - Born 2 - Peak 3 - Death. I tend to relate to this tattoo more and feel as if the other tattoos all come under this belief that you are born, you have a peak in your life and then you die. “When you have that genuine love for someone and they are your source of happiness. They become your drug” Born. X was born caring. Despite his size being 168cm tall and weighing around 60kg X does not shy away from violence. But I believe that his acts of violence are acts of caring. Stabbing his mother's partner because he felt he was abusing her is an act of caring. Kicking another student at school was because of the mentioning of his mother in a negative way. X defends himself and his family until he stops breathing. X cares for himself, his fans and his family not only physically but mentally. While in prison he was interviewed over the phone and was asked “What are you trying to do when you get out?”. He said he wants to invest in a teenage therapy where every teenager that is happy talks to another teenager that is struggling and depressed. This is because he believes it's really hard for most kids to be motivated to talk to a therapist because they can't relate to them as much. He also wants to donate PS4’s and TV’s to foster homes in his area and gather up as much money as he can to give back to the community in which he was raised. He even started filling the fridges of the less fortunate in Florida but sadly stopped the ordeal about a week into it as a group of people robbed him of his items and said he was doing it for attention and that he didn't care for the community. X cares for the kids and feels that's why many of them gravitate to his music. He has talked to certain fans that were depressed and looking for answers. He has also responded to some direct messages from kids on the borderline of suicide and has talked them out of it. X understands how it feels to be mentally alone and quotes “You can be in a room with a million people and still be alone”. He realises that some kids have families that just dont understand theres something going on in their head bigger than everything that's around them, he understand that feeling and how that feeling can drive you to the edge. X quotes “Even if my material is vulgar or i'm seen as a bad person, as long as these kids are happy and i'm giving them something to rage to instead of being depressed, that's all that matters to me”. The impact of X being caring relates to me a lot. When in primary school I knocked a kid out with a stick after he said something about my mother, and we were regarded as friends. As i've got older i've been told by counsellors I have anger issues and my anger does release sometimes but I have controlled it. I care for my family and friends over anything. Not only do I care for friends and family physically but I am told by my peers I am a caring person mentally and verbally. I enjoy making people happy, making people laugh and enjoy helping people out when they are down. I've had a lot of people come running to me for advice the past few years and some people keep coming back for guidance and for a certain comfort that other people can't give them. I am yet to truly discover why. Why do people come to me? I am definitely not the happiest chap in the world and I struggle with mental issues that circle my life on a daily basis. If my friends and family are happy then i'm happy and i've realised their happiness fuels me to keep going. X has made me realise that to be caring is a gift and you should cherish your friends and family. He also has made me realise I do need to take time out for myself and care for myself and my own issues. I feel he has realised this aswell because he is suffering from depression to this day but is still willing to help people through their own issues and not as much his own. “Be a blessing and then disappear, so you don't have to watch it all crumble in front of you” Peak. X being in prison was a peak in his life, it may not be a positive peak but the realisation he got from being imprisoned has made X look at life differently. He was asked “While you've been locked up recently, what have you been thinking about?”. X quoted “I found the answer to life”. He believes life is but a perception. He thinks the way you perceive things is very important, life is but brainpower, life revolves around your brain, life is purely the brain and your thought process. Your conscious and subconscious mind rule the world X has made me learn that nothing else matters. Nothing else matters except what you desire and what your dreams are. X believes the whole purpose of humanity is to create and the problem is that everybody reaches a certain point of enlightenment or succession and it upsets the balance, the balance being the people around that individual. You can have a squad of friends and a certain character can become overly successful introducing jealousy between friends. If you have a friend that treats you differently and more harsh because of your succession and your hard work they aren't your friend, they aren't the people you want to be around, they will do anything to bring you down. I respect my friends decisions and their beliefs even if I don't agree with it, I still support them and help in any way I can. Some of my friends have made stupid decisions and i've cleaned their mess up hoping that they'd do the same for me. X said being in prison has made him want to become a better person and that prison changed his world. X wants to give all of his fans and this generation information they’re not supposed to receive or opinions that some people don't want to hear because they don't agree with it. He quotes “I dont mean to disrespect anybody, but religion is for the small-minded.” I again don't mean to disrespect anybody but I agree with this statement. All religions believe in higher powers. Both X and myself believe if you're going to be a good person, be a good person. If you're going to be a bad person, be a bad person. It doesn't matter. Nobody's opinion should matter. Nothing matters. Anything you put on this plant will stay here. If life is infinite and there's the slightest possibility that you have to come back to this miserable fucking planet, Id stop putting all this horrible fucking shit out here and make sure you live your life happy. X and I believe that happiness is all that matters. If it makes you happy, it's all that matters, and you will struggle and struggle and struggle but happiness will flower in the end. X quotes “I will help everyone find happiness or I will at least help everyone find an answer and a purpose”. X’s beliefs have impacted me greatly, i'm not religious and feel religion is something I could never see myself falling to. I respect peoples beliefs, some of my closest friends are religious but in my opinion I don't feel as if I will ever sought out guidance from someone that isn't proven to be real. I seek guidance through my friends and family, through music, through art, through happiness. I believe whatever makes you a happier person is all you need to worry about and all you need to focus on. Whether it's video games, sport, music, anything. I believe people need to stop judging, stop throwing comments at others because I feel they won't ever recycle. Judgement is just a part of this harsh reality we live in today. But it's up to us to look at life in a way that makes us happy, in a way that no matter how much you get judged for it you can carry on and be proud of yourself. Anything that takes me away from joy and happiness, I hate. Anything or anyone that makes me feel worthless, makes me look endlessly into the mirror at myself and contemplate killing myself, I have no respect or love for. They are to me simply a piece of dirt sitting on my shoulders waiting to be wiped away so I can play on. “When I turned 13, I blew out my candles, my wish was to be dead at the age of 18” Death. Nowadays depression has become a characteristic of many people on this earth. X has been depressed and packed with anger since he was a child but is still plagued with both to this day. X said he was a weird kid and was alone a lot of the time even when he was at home. He was asked “You’ve dealt with a lot of anger and depression in your life. Where do you feel like that stuff comes from?”. X answered “Being alone”. X’s mother went through a lot while raising him. She did everything she could do and as he has grown he has looked back on everything he's said and feels she deserved a lot more credit. X didn't have his dad around, it was just his mother. His father was in prison at the time and I assume he still is, X has nothing to do with his father and doesn't mention him at all. Because of his behaviour issues he was thrown around the Florida area. He lived not only with his mother for a time but stayed at his grandmothers, aunties and even his mother's friends houses. He felt alone. Being placed away from people he had any attachment to is what made him the way he is now. X believes being alone breeds a different kind of madness and a different kind of pain. He believes not receiving a certain amount of love can also break a person, especially a child growing up without love and support. But because of his beliefs he has realised and looked in on depression and used it to his advantage. His lyrics are based off his depression and anger, if any of you have actually listened to a range of his music you can tell a difference between a depressing song and a song based on anger. He puts all his pain, insanity and dark thoughts into his music because he feels its therapeutic. He felt as if sharing his thoughts was bad but good at the same time because it made him feel better and happier. He realised people fed on his music so was motivated to keep making music not only for himself but his fans as he saw it was giving people energy and healing them and he cherished it. His tattoos have a lot to do with his depression, the broken heart and the words “numb” and “alone” all represent emotion and feelings he is stuck with to this day and what he is basing his lyrics off. Making music helps him release his feelings, it makes not only him happier but his fans and this is proven by a post I found on his tumblr. A fan said “This isn't actually a question but I wanted to thank you for your music, it saved my life, thank you.” X replied “and I wanna thank you for listening, you give me a reason to stay alive, if it wasn't for you guys I would've killed myself a long time ago.” His reply hits me quite hard as I can relate to it because there are people in this room right now that don't realise they are the ones that are keeping me going. There are some friends that stand out from others. There are some friends that don't realise how much I actually appreciate their company, their voice, their laugh the list goes on. There are some friends that aren't actually friends. There are some friends that are more than friends they are family. Nowadays i'm learning to identify my true friends and getting rid of the people who linger around me for my possessions. I fill my mind everyday with a quote from Trent Shelton “If all you had to offer was friendship who would you still be able to call your friend?” I started offering people nothing but my company and have quickly realised how many people were using me, those people have turned into a piece of dirt just like the judgemental people have. Alongside his reply helping me discover my true friends, his music has impacted my life quite strongly. His lyrics and beliefs inspire me to write for example my autobiography had his lyrics throughout it. My photography writing and the photos themselves now speak to me because of his lyrics. The mood of my writing is strongly based on his songs and his feelings. His music inspires me to care even more, they inspire me to believe and perceive life differently. His music although it's depressing takes my mind into a deep dark space, it makes me truly think about if I were to kill myself, how would the people around me feel. It makes me realise how I felt when my brother killed himself, it makes me realise how my friends felt when Harman killed himself. It makes me realise how serious suicide and depression is. Conclusion: X has made me realise that what is real will prosper. His music has taken me into pools of darkness on a daily basis and no matter how badly I want to kill myself, his music stops me in my tracks. His perception on life creeps into my mind and I realise killing myself wouldn't be an act of caring, it wouldn't make my friends happy. It would slowly burrow into their hearts and fill their souls with corruption. My friends will end up the way X feels. The way I feel. Numb. Alone. Broken. They'll forever be the elephant in the room. Anima vestra - free your soul- AUTOBIOGRAPHY: Numb I advise you to not hide your feelings. Don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not okay. Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re sad. It’ll only lead to your misery. I dream so much and i just can't seem to find an answer for what i'm living for in general. Everyday I seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Everyday I stumble down the hallway to locate the shower. Everyday I sit - trapped, dazed, lost - in migraine, drowning myself in hot water that hits my pasty skin as if it were acid rain. Everyday I curl up in a glass box and contemplate crying, contradicting what people have told me “It will get better just give it time”. “You’ll be fine, you’ll push through”. “Someone out there loves you for who you are” I can't keep living like this, it's breaking my heart day by day. Everyday I lather myself in clothing representing a place I hate, and i say to myself, “How is this going to get better.” Four years. Four counsellors. Four lives lost. “I don’t want to talk to you, you can’t help me, i'm not algood.” Everyday I think, why am I like this? Why am I so depressed? Why am I so angry? Why am I so negative, so overwhelmed with a cloud that is slowly hovering over my life, slowly killing off positivity as if it were a pest. Why I ask? Well all I can nail it down to is 17213. But is it truly the answer? I mean who's to say you find an answer when there isn’t? 17213 are probably just numbers to you; the 17th of the 2nd 2013 aren't just any numbers to me, they are the numbers symbolising the day my brother decided to end it all. Chase Robson - loving, honourable, committed - was a father, a son, a grandson, a brother, a soul that was forever changing for the best, changing for his son, changing for his family, changing for himself. I was unsuspecting of the literally breaking news that was to be heard. What if you just die? Wondering why I was slouched in a hunk of metal on wheels, dad sat uncomfortably as if something was stuck to the end of his tongue. Regretfully, my father voiced a collection of words. I didn't know they would deprive me of positivity and create a continuous loop of death and darkness. “Chase has committed suicide.” I, awakened by the news, had then truly discovered what suicide was - dark, destructive, unexpecting - what it can be and what it can do. Destroy. What if life as we know it is all a dream? The car's window that day seemed to be the cleanest it had ever been. I was able to pierce right through it, through the calm gathered clouds resting in the sky. I was able to envision hope in the sky, a sense of life after death, something I never believed or contemplated until then. What if we live for no reason? My mind - deserted, abandoned, lost - searched for answers. It searched amongst the sky and its infinite crowd of clouds to discover nothing but the vision of the sky’s hue, that darkened, caved in as the sun hid behind the pimples of our earth. It threw a ribbon of fire that seemed to slash my eyes causing them to close forcing me to see and feel the internal darkness that had been brought upon me. What if we just disappear when we die? I had felt like my life was not special anymore, like it wasn't worth living. I discovered that one type of drug can kill you. One type of firearm. One type of knot. One type of idea can end it all. I was filled with the idea “If he did it, so can I”. Should I cling to life? Or should I just kill myself? I now feel - four years on - lost and numb. I have accepted the harshness of reality and let it take over my life. I have become the kid who doesn't care anymore. The kid who takes the piss out of himself so no one else bothers to. The kid who is positive and social. The kid who has a lot of potential but doesn't realise it. The kid who drinks - nearly every day - to forget, but always remembers. So many contradictions, contemplation. I don't care about myself. I care too much for others, for the people around me. I enjoy helping people. Doing things for people. Buying things for people. The problem is that it fills my mind with the idea that people use me. I shove people aside and hate them for using me and despise them for not giving anything back. I throw them away and realise that they are what I need because seeing them smile is what keeps me going, it makes me feel worthy. And now here I am trying to save the world, when I can't even save myself. It's getting harder and harder to mask my pain. I come to discover that I have lost. Lost hope. Lost positivity. I have lost the race that everyone is competing in. Constant laps of death. Everyday i'm alive adds to my slow unpreventable death. I can't decide whether I want to keep running or just fall. I have enough money to be happy, but having all the money in the world doesn't make you happy. You can't buy true friends, true love or true life. The world will know money can't stop a suicidal weakness. I feel i'll forever be the elephant in the room. I can't tell if I wanna live or if I wanna die. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't the problem. It isn't the reason for the way I am. It is because everyday I seem to wake up. Please save me.

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