#just rambley personal thoughts

[galacticlamps]

ok I have A Lot of thoughts about the staircase confession (well really about Edwin's whole character arc, but all roads lead to rome) but for now I just wanna say that, yes, I was bracing myself for something to go terribly wrong when I first watched it, and yes, part of me was initially worried its placement might be an uncharacteristically foolish choice made in the name of Drama or Pacing or Making a Compelling Episode of Television but at the expense of narrative sense--

But I wanna say that having taken all that into account, and watched it play out, and sat with it - and honestly become rather transfixed by it - I really think it's a beautifully crafted moment and truly the only way that arc could've arrived at such a satisfying conclusion.

And if I had to pinpoint why I not only buy it but also have come to really treasure it, I'd have to put it down to the fact that it genuinely is a confession, and nothing else.

That moment is an announcement of what Edwin has come to understand about himself, but because it takes the form of a character admitting romantic feelings for such a close friend, I think it can be very easy, when writing that kind of thing, to imbue it with other elements like a plea or a request or even the start of a new relationship that, intentionally or not, would change the shape of the moment and can quickly overshadow what a huge deal the telling is all on its own. But that's not the case here. Since it is only a confession, unaccompanied by anything else, and since we see afterward how it was enough, evidently, to fix the strangeness that had grown between him & Charles, we're forced to understand that it was never Edwin's feelings that were actually making things difficult for him - it was not being able to tell Charles about them. 'Terrified' as he's been of this, Edwin learns that his feelings don't need to either disappear completely or be totally reciprocated in order for him to be able to return to the peace, stability, and security of the relationship with which he defines his existence - and the scale of that relief a) tells us a hell of a lot about Edwin as a character and b) totally justifies the way his declaration just bursts out of him at what would otherwise be such a poorly chosen moment, in my opinion.

Whether or not they are or ever could be reciprocated, Edwin's feelings are definitively proven not to be the problem here - only his potential choice to bottle it up - his repression - is. And where that repression had once been mainly involuntary, a product of what he'd been through, now that he's got this new awareness of himself, if he still fails to admit what he's found either to himself or to the one person he's so unambiguously close with, then that repression will be by his own choice and actions.

And he won't do that. Among other things, he's coming into this scene having just (unknowingly) absolved the soul of his own school bully and accidental killer by pointing out a fact that is every bit as central to his self-discovery as anything about his sexuality or his attraction to Charles is: the idea that "If you punish yourself, everywhere becomes Hell"

So narratively speaking, of course it makes sense that Edwin literally cannot get out of Hell until he stops punishing himself - and right now, the thing that's torturing him is something he has control over. It's not who he is or what he feels, but what he chooses to do with those feelings that's hurting him, and he's even already made the conscious choice to tell Charles about them, he was just interrupted. But now that they're back together and he's literally in the middle of an attempt to escape Hell, there is absolutely no way he can so much as stop for breath without telling Charles the truth. Even the stopping for breath is so loaded - because they're ghosts, they don't need to breathe, but also they're in Hell, so the one thing they can feel is pain, however nonsensical. And Edwin certainly is in pain. But whether he knows what he's about to do or not when he says he 'just needs a tick,' a breather is absolutely not what's gonna give him enough relief to keep climbing - it's fixing that other hurt, though, that will.

Like everything else in that scene, there's a lot of layers to him promising Charles "You don't have to feel the same way, I just needed you to know" - but I don't think that means it isn't also true on a surface level. It's the act of telling Charles that matters so much more than whatever follows it, and while that might have gone unnoticed if anything else major had happened in the same conversation, now we're forced to acknowledge its staggering and singular importance for what it is. The moment is well-earned and properly built up to, but until we see it happen in all its wonderful simplicity, and we see the aftermath (or lack thereof, even), we couldn't properly anticipate how much of a weight off Edwin's shoulders merely getting to share the truth with Charles was going to be, why he couldn't wait for a better, safer opportunity before giving in to that desire, or how badly he needed to say it and nothing else - and I really, really love the weight that act of just being honest, seen, and known is given in their story/relationship.

[lesbian-kyoru]

arata is super interesting because at first he has shifts in disposition that feel almost inconsistent—he can be super sweet and earnest, cold and withdrawn, fiery and competitive, lots of juxtaposed traits etc etc—but all these facets of his personality simply stem from the traumas and experiences he’s been through 1) before the start of chihayafuru and 2) during the story. 

in his first appearance, arata is already established as shy and guarded around new people, which is only reinforced by being bullied by his classmates at his new school. not only has he internalized that karuta is the one thing he is good at in life, and it’s the only thing where his dream (and NEED) is to be the best—but besides the obvious connection to his grandfather’s expectations, a subset of this is that his grandfather tells him that he can make friends playing karuta. unfortunately, as soon as arata moves he’s bullied for literally everything, and excelling at karuta only further alienates him from his peers.

this pattern continues throughout his adolescence, even after he’s made a life long connection with chihaya and taichi: karuta alienating him from others when it was supposed to bring him friendship and connection. along with the trauma of watching his grandpa die (+ arguably blaming himself for his death) and the following grief, it’s honestly not surprising that arata becomes isolated, emotionally closed-off, and at times cold or insensitive. those experiences would harden anyone, especially a sixteen-year-old. he was treated like an outcast as a child, lost touch with his friends due to distance, and struggled to find community within his passion that’s often incredibly lonely. all of these factors make arata emotionally guarded. he’s quick and impulsive to lash out because he doesn’t feel safe and comfortable until he trusts people. 

even though arata is so kind at heart and really earnest with people he knows well (i.e. chihaya and taichi), just like many characters his experiences and subsequent insecurities/fears haven’t left him unaffected—and i love that we see that thread of his development come up so early on.

[supernuttyninja]

It’s actually really important to me that people are allowed to feel at the least ambivalent to a piece of media without having to give reasons. Also if they don’t like it! Goodness knows there’s things I see for media I’ve interacted with that at the point I’m at I just go. Meh. And move on. Maybe I liked it at one point, maybe I even loved it, but now I’m ambivalent at best and simply dislike it at worst. And most people would say that’s totally fine.

But the thing is the media will usually end up being a popular piece with fans and meaning behind it that if you say you don’t like it, it may mean you’re completely against it. And that’s not true at all, at least not for me. It’s like when someone cooks a meal for you that you don’t personally enjoy. That doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge that it’s a pretty good dish overall, even if it’s something I don’t personally enjoy.

Idk. I just think people shouldn’t have to justify every aspect of what they like and dislike about a piece of media.

[hiwelcometothemonstersancturary]

Some thoughts on Indigo Park!

Absolutely DELIGHTFUL little thing. It seems both fun to play and watch, which can be quite a feat in mascot horror!

Rambley is a baby and I want to protect him so so so so much. The game would feel so empty without him, and I'm glad it didn't focus on any unecessary "gameplay" gimmicks. Just you walking around the park and listening to this silly little guy is enough;

Lloy's session was the creepiest one, not necessarily thanks to pure horror, but more about anticipation. I loved all of his little apparitions. He's not scary, he just looks like a big and silly creature and I really, REALLY enjoyed his design;

The game's humor is delightful. I think there's a Portal inspiration there on how a semi-omnipotent AI delivers their lines to the non-verbal main character, and I love it;

The ending song!!!!!! It's so cute!

I love how the player character doesn't speak, but their personality is still shown through little animations and in-game text;

As someone who knows a bit about theme park ride accidents I can say that I am VERY excited to see where the devs will take the park setting to!

Overall, a very fun game. Not very creepy, but a delightful experience nonetheless. I'm excited to see more!

[duke-daemon]

hazbin hotel redesigns wooooooooo

okay so. i'm gonna discuss my thoughts about them n shit, putting under a readmore bc it's gonna get long and rambley. sorry in advance for the shit formatting, i'm on mobile </3

just some general shit about how i would rewrite it. i think the premise of redeeming sinners is entertaining but is executed horribly. i also am a fan of the "heaven isn't great either" idea but again, executed horribly. i'd make the hierarchy of angels more accurate because it's cool as hell and i have autism about it. the characters from hell would swear still (albeit not as much), but the angels would outright refuse to swear or make vulgar jokes ever. this would be partially to further the gap between heaven and hell and make the differences more stark.

hell would also be more like dante's inferno (again because i think its cool). the ars goetia would get a full redesign and would be more prevalent in demonic society.

now for the characters!

---

VAGGIE VALTIEL:

starting off with vaggie, or Valtiel as i've renamed her because let's be honest her original name sucks. Valtiel (Val for short) was an aspiring power angel who wanted to be an exorcist. she looked up to lute and thought the idea of killing demons was really cool and badass. however when she actually was on the field for the first time she discovered how awful this actually was. she tried to help a few demons but lute figured it out and felled her right then and there. the rest of her story is relatively the same. personality wise she's more stoic and less prone to all-out aggression. she still get angry, sure, but it's in a quieter and more menacing way. you DO NOT want to fuck with Valtiel.

CHARLIE:

next up is charlie! i had two ideas for her. the first one (unsettling drawing) has her as a mannequin/doll type demon. lucifer and/or lilith was unable to conceive and as such they built a kid from scratch. she's overall similar to og charlie personality wise, very kind and cheerful despite her unsettling appearance. she struggles with empathy sometimes but really does mean well. her motive for rehabilitating sinners is so they get to see their family again. being able to see heaven from where they are in hell must make them sad, so she wants to help make them happy again!

the second idea for charlie has her as an angel. specifically i casted her as a dominion angel due to their reputation as holy judges. she was once a demon but has been rehabilitated and has risen into angelhood! she now wants to help her former kin do the same and redeem themselves in heaven's gaze. again, similar cheery personality, but a bit more prudish in this rendition

tangent time!

as a side tangent, valtiel and charlie would have a different relationship in this rewrite. their relationship felt shoehorned in in the original show, like it was just there for the hell of it. we didn't see much development between them and it just felt kinda bland. so in my rewrite, charlie and valtiel are amiable exes. they tried dating when valtiel first fell (when charlie was still a demon in the charlie-angel version) but realized their feelings for each other were much more platonic than romantic. they ended things off on good terms, deciding they were much better as friends. they are still besties to this day! later charlie ends up with emily (or 'ellie' as i plan to rename her)

back to the characters

Alastor:

note: i made alastor mixed-race, which could be seen as bad by some due to vivzie saying he's black. however, as many have pointed out, he has no ethnic features whatsoever and i honestly wouldn't be surprised if she said that just to get away with using voodoo symbols (a closed religion) in his imagery/design. like viv, i am incredibly white and have little to no knowledge of voodoo, and even if i did i would not use it for something like this anyways due to the stigma the religion already has and (again) it being a closed practice. as such i removed it from his concept altogether, but made him mixed race (white passing) because.. why not i guess, i forgor my actual reasoning

with that being said...

alastor is by far my favorite of the redesigns and i'm honestly tempted to turn him into a legally distinct oc. i imagine he's somewhat reserved, along the lines of norman bates albeit a bit more extroverted. during his life he was a serial killer with a day job as a radio announcer. he took pleasure in reporting about his own murders on the radio, but that is eventually what got him caught (ie accidentally letting slip info that wasn't released to the public). as a result he was sentenced to death. upon arriving in hell, he quickly rose through the ranks to borderline overlord status and is a feared presence by demons and sinners alike. why is he bothering to assist in the hotel project? who knows... his motives are a mystery, like the rest of what he does

(he isn't actually alastair crowley i just thought the naming convention was ironic. however he may have also dabbled with satanic magic in lifetime..)

Angel Dust:

TW: brief discussion of SA

this is definitely my second favorite redesign. i loooove insect themes and wanted to do more than just Extra Arms, so he now has fucked up legs and a lot of eyes too! story-wise, angel used to be a criminal mastermind, hated by both the mafia and the feds. he was a gentleman thief, arranging massive heists under the cover of night while also partaking in the occasional drag show. he ended up a cocaine addict later in life, which caused his work to become sloppier. eventually he was killed in a heist gone wrong, specifically shot by the police.

i'm not gonna go too in-depth on the SA part of his story, but he is hypersexual due to being assaulted in both his life and afterlife. it would be something he'd be working on in the rewrite. his reason for coming to the hotel in the first place may have even been for help with this trauma. underneath his sultry exterior is a broken guy who really just needs someone to care about him for who he really is and not for what his body can do.

LUTE:

so lute and adam are some of the characters i have the most gripes about. the biggest one being why viv chose adam as the leader of the exorcists in the first place. if she wants a biblical figure tied to demon killing, Archangel Michael is RIGHT THERE, aka the one destined to kill satan during the events of Revelations. if she wants the first human to die, that would be Abel, not Adam. and i kinda doubt abel would want to do the stuff that HH!adam has been doing. if she wants an angel related to torture, Dumah is her guy! an angel that rules over wicked souls and tortures sinners every day except sabbath. so many better options...

with that out of the way, Lute is still the lieutenant of the exorcist, who are a specially chosen group of powers sent to purge hell once a year. think navy seals. she's pretty much the same as in the show, albeit more muscular and visually different from other exorcists (seriously why do they all look exactly the same?????) she's a very repressed lesbian who hasn't had time to work on that due to her duties

i also redesigned the exorcist uniform/armor because those LED purge masks are fugly as hell and their clothes don't even look remotely like armor.

Adam + Final Thoughts

i did start a redesign of adam but got bored of it. regardless, i think he'd be the head of C.H.E.R.U.B. instead of the exorcists. he doesn't want his children to make the same mistakes he and eve did, so together they started C.H.E.R.U.B. to help lost souls stay out of hell

final thoughts uhhhh i'm tired. show sucks, it had so much potential but viv ruined it by being a shitty writer and an even shittier person. the designs are fine i guess but they all look exactly the same and are in desperate need of variety. the humor is dogshit, saying dick and balls and penis over and over and over again doesn't make it any funnier than the first three times you made that joke. anyways that's it, i hope you liked my inane ramblings. gonna go vanish for another forty years or so, adios

[patricia-taxxon]

I've been working a romance story that, broad strokes themes and personalities at least, is rather similar to the stuff you wrote with Rambley, but that was started up like a day or two beforehand, I just thought that was a funny coincidence

many feel the way I do

[skidtheperson]

Idea

Why does Rambley hate Llyod so much?

He reacts badly to his stuffed animal,

doesn't consider him a friend,

hell, he completely skips over Llyod's part of the ride even though there was still more, as you can hear Llyod continue to talk as you ride off.

So why?? It could just be their relationship, but it seemed like they were friends, at least at one point, as they could interact with each other and Rambley wouldn't be angry, so why???

I get this is most likely just a reference to the picture also in Disney, but it's still intriguing since it shows them being friends. This makes me believe something happened between them to make Rambley resent him.

One theory I've seen going around is that Rambley got jealous of Llyod's fame and how loved he was by the company itself, getting merchandise made of him that the others didn't get. (Even though he had his own limited edition merchandise but ok-)

This could be why he despised Llyod, since HE'S supposed to be the main guy, yet they made special merchandise of Llyod and not him. This made him jealous and resentful towards the lion.

Another theory could be they had a falling out, maybe the AI got upset at Llyod, and something happened.

I personally think these are both correct. Rambley got upset at Llyod, and based on what this broken down Mollie animatronic says : (thanks to SuperHorrorBros for the caption)

Rambley, the AI, most likely hurt Llyod due to his resentment, jealously, and anger towards him. And since the employees could have been mistreated, and AIs learn from humans, he thought hurting Llyod was a good way to take off his anger. Though he still holds that resentment, never knowing that what he did was wrong or bad.

These are all ideas, and until more comes out, then this is all we have to speculate from. There's probably much more under the surface that will be revealed in later chapters.

EDIT :

Forgot to mention this, but for Llyod's theater, he can't look backstage and doesn't have access to it.

But for Mollie's Playhouse place, he can be in the restricted areas just fine.

So this could also contribute to the fact the AI was dangerous or harmful towards Llyod, thus making the staff cut off his access to backstage.

[nebuladreamz]

Thinking about how if i ever had the opportunity to make. a mascot horror game or story that i'd have it take place right before the eventual Big Fall of the establishment

[Big ramble under the cut lmao]

Something something reuse how I thought for Security Breach we'd play as Vanessa and the five nights formula was doing the shift but slowly discovering through each shift that Some Shit is happening and she has to stop it (directly before we found out Vanessa was Vanny/Vanessa was the security guard's name)

LIKE!!! I fucking adore how a couple of standout mascot horror games have been [primarily Indigo Park, I'm willing to give it a shot and it's deadass because of Rambley and his role as an AI assistant], but a lot of what I've seen personally (stares at. Fucking. Garten of Banban), it's a lot of post fall. Always investigating or going through the abandoned place where shit's gone wrong (thank you BATIM for starting the chapter-based formula -bangs head-)

But like. I've always thought about what it would be like for a mascot horror game to take place before the fall, or even during it depending on the execution.

Before the fall, you're either a kid who's a regular at the establishment (daycare, amusement park, whatever) or even an employee working there-

(or even MORE interestingly, if we go with a chapter-based thing or even similar to FNAF in terms of there's a set thing for whatever, the POV keeps changing between different people- wait I'm cooking. i'll get back to that later actually)

-And slowly as it all develops, you watch as everything begins to just. Fall apart. Employees leaving, the place coming down into disrepair, something's up with the main mascots of the place but you don't know what (at least in universe, we all know this formula as players)

Actually, coming back to the changing POVs, you can even draw in inspiration from DBH (I only watched gameplay back then oops) where the perspective changes between different people. A child enjoying their day, a first time employee, a long time employee, a parent of a child. Hell, depending on things, you could even have a moment where (depending on the location) you play as a fucking burglar looking to steal shit (before getting. Fucking bass boosted)

And eventually there'd come the inevitable end where it all closes down, leaving whatever living mascots inside to rot (insert Abandoned by Disney line here /j)

LIKE!!! I want to see people expand on the formula!! I want to see people fuck around and find out!!!

Honest to god, I might take this and run with it myself cause now I'M getting ideas.

[dedalvs]

i know you aren't an authority over terminology in the conlanging community but a question of sorts: im in a conlanging project within a game (with voice chat) which no pre-existing natural languages are allowed to be spoken, you must communicate by speaking/making new words and teaching others entirely in this language. i joined the project later in the development, where three language was more fledged out, learning it through immersion. since this language was made without discussion or planning (you also cannot explain the language/words unless speaking it - no clarifications in english/etc) do you think it would be considered a conlang or natlang? it, afaik, was created entirely without plan/discussion between any members and its made and developed by whoever learns it and speaks it with eachother. there has been light hearted discussion that it can't be a natural language because there's no native speakers, but it wasn't typically "created" by any person. thoughts? thanks!!! sorry, very rambley

Yes it's a conlang. There have been similar projects before. I was a part of one called Kalusa. The difference between a conlang and natlang has nothing to do with native speakers (Esperanto has native speakers); it has to do with the circumstances of its creation. While there was no planning for any natlangs on Earth, like this conlang, there was also no plan to sit down and create a language that way: it just happened. This didn't just happen. It was a planned language creation experiment. So, no, not a natlang.

[the-lonelyshepherd]

Had my ninety millionth rewatch of Yellowjackets because I wanted to work on drawing the girls. Been thinking about Jackie's butterfly shirt and how Shauna later on wears it. Not to mention to Shauna wears other butterfly shirts. any thoughts on if the butterfly symbolism was intentional? -💀

HI YES. i had like. so many thoughts on this all at once. i reasearched a lot of butterfly shit for a personal project before and it all just clicked in yj context. a warning that this is going to be rambley its going to be messy and some of it might be a stretch. yippee!

SOO first off its def like. butterflies are a very common just design for shirts in the 90s so its def just like part of the period wardrobe. HOWEVER. jackie and shauna, as far as i know, are the only characters seen wearing butterfly shirts (and i could be wrong but even so theyre the only characters with repeated obvious butterfly shirts including in the adult timeline). which is very interesting.

so heres shaunas butterfly shirt (note the words)

jackie's butterfly shirt and.. shauna wearing it (note the scene)

adult shauna also wears a butterfly shirt im 99% sure it was like black with a white butterfly design. i need to find a pic rgh

SO LETS START

first off - what is butterfly symbolism?

butterfly symbolism is literally anything you want it to be. its such a common symbol if you look it up theres millions of websites on weird slightly not so slightly appropriating spirit bs and a shitton of vague statements. so lets narrow the question.

what is butterfly symbolism in the context of yellowjackets?

much better. my personal view on it is this - butterflies, in a multitude of cultures, are a symbol of hope. theyre pretty theyre flappy theyre whatever. but butterflies are also a symbol of change, of transformation. but what i think is so interesting about butterflies as change is when we look at how butterflies change.

butterfly transformation is inherently something of horror. its a gorey, bloody transformation where the caterpillar literally dissolves in a chamber of its own making and reforms into something completely different. but the thing i find so fascinating is that its not a whole new thing - its literally a restructuring of the caterpillar. its something that was always there.

and this exact thing is imo one of the central themes of yellowjackets - they were always these people. What the wilderness did is amplified it, twisted it, made it louder and more obvious and definitely more bloody. but the violence and the competitiveness and the drama? was always there. look at allie, look at shauna and jeff. what the wilderness did was give them a stage (a chrysalis, if you will) to transform.

What about the specific shirt designs?

Lets start with shauna. Its a basic design with 6 butterflies of various kinds, but the most notable thing for me is the text. "Lueur d'espoir

yeah i used google translate whatever its not like ive been taking french classes for years. or something. let me live.

so. as you can see its "glimmer of hope" which goes hand in hand with the common butterfly symbolism. but actions overpower words because with a lot of shauna's actions, (ie 2.07 massive girl on girl violence) shes pretty much the opposite of hope. shes giving into the brutal violence that the wilderness is bringing out in all of them and hell she even relishes it. its an almost comedic grasp at imitating jackie when really shes the opposite side of the butterfly symbolism coin - transformation. but specifically metamorphasis. this side of her was always there.

now its number time!!

shaunas shirt has 6 butterflies and jackies has 3. jackie is literally half of what makes up shauna - without jackie she loses a significant piece of herself. i might throw up.

after jackies death shauna does everything she can to get her back. not only does she talk to jackies corpse for months, she literally EATS her. but theres also more subtle attempts to get that part of herself back - like wearing her "missing half" - the butterfly shirt. its all in vain really because its with that grasping at anything she has left of jackie and order and everything she used to know, with that shirt, that she commits one of the most brutal acts of violence in the entire show. also shauna wears it while beating up lottie after wilderness baby dies and wb was basically the last living (rip) thing she has of jackie. ough.

back to shaunas original shirt, the one with six butterflies. 6 is a number commonly associated with nurturing energy, and sometimes maternal. sound familiar?

similarly, jackie(shauna)'s 3 butterfly shirt - 3 in general is a very powerful number symbolically. the birth-life-death cycle, the mind-body-soul connection, things coming in threes. jackieshauna and whatever they connect to be that wilderness baby, jeff, callie, the wilderness in general maybe lottie. who knows!! the toxic homoerotic bestfriendship spares no one.

ALSO the butterflies on jackies 3 shirt are monarchs which are commonly associated with the dead and more specifically remembrance of the dead. throws up.

so overall!

the butterfly shirts could very much be just be time period wardrobing but i do think there is at least some significance given jackie and shauna are the only characters (as far as i know) who repeatedly wear butterfly shirts.

butterflies in jackie's context are almost a satire of the hope theyre supposed to represent - jackie has lost all hope by clinging to a past she can never get back to. in most cases she would be a hopeful character - take akilahs clinging to wiskayok, doing SAT prep and talking about her family. but the difference with jackie is that she clings to it as if it were already dead. she has this passive suicidality because she knows that shes never going back to what was and she REFUSES to transform. a catterpillar who doesnt pupate and dies never changing.

butterflies in shauna's context i think point to the gorey, transformative yet revealing nature of the wilderness. similar to metamorphosis, through a complete restrucuring of what was already there in the optimal conditions for change, we see this violent, bloody, version of Shauna emerge in the wilderness. Similarly to the twisting of butterfly metaphors, shauna also represents a twisted kind of hope through her pregancy. Inherently a birth is supposed to be a symbol of new life, of hope and joy. And for a while the baby is a symbol of hope! you have the babyshower raising spirits etc. but everyone knows it was doomed from the start. in the wilderness a birth is not a thing of hope but a thing of horror - its seeing your teammates mouths covered with blood and its burying your son when you too are still a child.

soo yeah. butterflies. dont know how much of this is gonna make sense but it definately made me think about things

[schizotypal-culture-is]

I was wondering if you had any information on eccentric speech and behaviour with some examples?

For a quick browse, our tag for disordered symptoms, which has some examples of people’s experience with eccentric speech and behavior.

SPEECH

For speech problems in schizotypal pd/traits, there’s two ways this can present.

The first is disorganized thinking/speech in schizophrenia. There’s several examples of this, including:

agolia, also known as “poverty of speech” or “nonverbal”, it’s when someone suddenly has either very limited speech or is unable to speak at all. In the schizo spectrum, this is due to the cognitive impairment in negative schizo symptoms where language doesn’t make sense during an episode because the brain isn’t able to process information as it usually does

“pressure of speech”, also a symptom of mania which is part of the psychotic spectrum, is when someone has a “compulsive” need to talk, and can’t stop talking. The few times I’ve experienced this, I talk so much it interrupts my breathing, then I get paranoid about the other person judging me for my weird breathing but I can’t stop talking to catch my breath. It’s like there’s no filter between my brain and my mouth and I’m vocalizing each thought as I have them. I get incredibly rambley and my conversation is difficult to follow because it’s basically like a vocalized stream-of-conscious.

word salad is the most well known example of disorganized speech in schizo spectrum disorders. There’s various ways this can manifest, but the gist of it is that the brain can’t make sense of language and uses words incorrectly. [ This article ] has some good examples of what word salad looks like, including: “windows books dogs hands run”, and “picture cake chocolate rambling UFO solar here fuse barking”.

In StPD, word salad may be less extreme, and look more like someone accidentally saying:

a word rhyming with the word they meant to say: “I saw a pat on my way to work today” when they meant to say, “I saw a cat on my way to work today.”

a word that starts with the same letter with the word they meant to say: “I saw a car on my way to work today” when they meant to say, “I saw a cat on my way to work today.”

or a word that they associate with the word they meant to say: “I saw a Mittens on my way to work today,” instead of “I saw a cat on my way to work today.”

Words can also get flipped and switched around: “I want an iced pancake and a buttermilk coffee” instead of “I want an iced coffee and buttermilk pancake”.

Of course, non-schizo spectrum people can also make these mistakes, but it’s more prelevant in people with StPD/traits.

The second way that people with StPD/traits have eccentric speech is using words incorrectly, either by making up words or thinking a word they’re using has a different definition than it actually does (a lot like word salad!) People with StPD may also pronounce words strangely. And of course, non-schizo spectrum people can also do this, but it’s much more frequent in people with StPD/traits.

An example of this would be how I used “rambley” earlier. Instead of saying, “I tend to ramble” I made up a tense of the word, “ramble” to convey something I need it to convey. “Rambley” / “rambly” are not real words, but it feels like it’s a real word to me. That is a word I can and do use in that way.

Another word I use is “sat”. If “insatiable” means “a hunger that can be fed” then the “sat” (pronounced like “sait”) in the middle of the word “insatiable” means “a fed hunger” or “a satisfied hunger” or something like that. But obviously, “sat” (like “sait”) doesn’t exist, because “sat” is to past tense of sit, as in, “sat down”.

A word I have trouble pronouncing is “endometriosis”. I just can’t for the life of me remember if it’s “en-do-ME-tri-o-sis” or “en-do-MET-ri-o-sis”. I also can’t for the life of me pronounce “vinyl”. I know I saw it wrong, but I can never remember if it’s “VIN-el” or “VINE-el”. It just doesn’t stick in my head 😖

I would say, overall, for people with StPD/traits, when it comes to language, we tend to treat it more as a malleable art form than a structure with set rules, if that makes sense? Things like spelling, meaning/definitions and prononciation are more like suggestions than a standard (metaphorically speaking!) and that’s why it’s difficult for us to communicate with others, and others to understand us. When our brains accidentally speak words with associations only we know (saying “Mittens” when we mean “cat”) or use words with a definition only we know (using “sat” as “the opposite of insatiable” instead of “the past tense of sit”) or saying words in a way only we know (vinyl!) it essentially creates a barrier between us and whoever we are trying to talk to, because in a way, we are each individually speaking our own unique and personalized language.

BEHAVIOR

Just like with eccentric speech, one way that eccentric behavior can present itself is with disorganized thinking/behavior like in schizophrenia. This one is a bit harder to explain because it’s more personalized, as disorganized behavior is a broad umbrella term for any bizarre behavior that feels normal and natural to a schizo-spectrum person. One example I remember is someone explaining once that they grabbed all the potted plants in the house and rearranged them into a circle on the floor. There was no purpose for this, as in a compulsion in OCD or acting upon a delusion in psychosis, but rather it just felt like a natural thought. Like, okay it’s time to do the dishes, vacuum the floor, put the potted plants in a circle on the floor, fold the laundry. When the person was asked by their housemates about the potted plants, they barely recalled having done it, and had no reason as to why they did it.

If I’m not mistaken, I believe Catalonia may be a part of disordered behavior in schizophrenia. [ Catatonia is an umbrella term of behavior including things like stimming, it was once classified as a subset of schizophrenia but it’s now a secondary diagnosis of other disorders including mood disorders (namely bipolar disorders) and autism spectrum disorder. ]

With all that being said, while people with StPD/traits can exhibit some mild disorganized behavior, a lot of the eccentric behavior for people with StPD/traits comes from magical thinking and reactions to ideas of reference (ie schizotypal delusions). Just like with disordered behavior in schizophrenia, eccentric behavior in StPD is going to look different for each individual.

Some personal examples would include:

magical thinking || walking around strangely, I have my own superstitions that I follow, like when walking around I try to walk around corners at a 90 degree angle instead of “clipping” them because I feel like it’ll bring me bad luck. To someone who is watching, this is odd and eccentric behavior.

magical thinking || while this one isn’t outwardly obvious, I believe I can control my work schedule by wearing certain shirts on specific days. To an outside observer, this is strange and bizarre behavior.

magical thinking || I wear a specific necklace everyday for a specific reason I dont feel comfortable sharing. I believe wearing the necklace emulates and calls upon a certain Energy and that it protects me from the thoughts and feelings of others who wish me harm. I believe that when enough people are wishing me harm, bad luck comes my way and my necklace protects me because it emulates a Strong Force.

ideas of reference || when I get more psychotic in my thinking, I think of myself as a starseed. Because of this, I like wearing black because black reminds me of space. I think dressing in black like space better aligns me to the cosmic energies of space, and when I’m aligned with the cosmos energies of space, things better work in my favor (opposed to fighting my birth right and bringing bad luck on myself).

I hope these examples help you, and if followers would will like to add more in the comments or reblog, you’re more than welcome too!

[raayllum]

i'm literally sitting here trying to figure out what EVEN i can SAY about aspec rayllum here? i think about them and i want to combust into heart emojis. i watched the first season when it first came out and then only happened to catch up last year with my qpp, and in between i was like. so infuriated when i found out they'd made rayla and callum a thing bc i - naturally - latched onto the green and purple character as an aroace icon at 18 years old, and my partner was like "no no no no TRUST me you've got to watch it, you'll love it"

they weren't wrong and after bingeing the whole show i'm stuck thinking about rayllum a LOT. they're written so much like my own ideal relationship that i kind of want to explode from it sometimes. anyway, my absolute favorite thing about them is how much emphasis there is about their friendship - to the point that when i watched season four, I can't remember which episode specifically it was number wise but when rayla suggested splitting up and offered to go with callum and he turns her down, my first immediate heartbroken thought was "she misses her best friend..." i just love how they're in love but they're in love cos they're best friends....11/10 no notes i need more relationships like that in media

ANYWAY long rambley ask about my loves aside, my question is what are some of your favorite moments where rayllum are so clearly best friends/goofballs in love?

No like honest to god though — me and the Rayla to my Callum are also in a QPR + dash of romance relationship and like... arc 1 and arc 2 Rayllum are just so goddamn sweet??

I don't agree generally that arc 2 Rayllum is more Mature™ than arc 1 rayllum — Callum is more patient and Rayla is more open, so they've matured as individuals — but merely just that they're different flavours of aspec-ness. Like arc 1 is the craziness and rollercoaster of meeting a stranger and realizing they're Your Person, and arc 2 is the deepness after the fact of "I know you, and I know that we can get through everyone so long as we have each other" mostly cause I think the main reason people label arc 1 Rayllum as more immature is because s3 Rayllum gushes over each other, but that's bc people have a hard time conceptualizing having deep admiration for your partner(s) that isn't infatuation... even though like? It's totally normal and welcome, like any long term relationship is "my partner is the most amazing person ever and i'm also very aware of all their flaws simultaneously" and like, arc 1 Rayllum hits that balance perfectly imo

I just love all of their stages and sides to them so so much

But yeah! Some of my fave moments Rayllum wise for the Best Friends quality has to be when they help each other up in 3x05 (Callum after the soulfang chase and Rayla on the ambler) because things are Weird but they're still always going to help each other? The "I missed my best friend" quality in s4 with no one laughing at Callum's jokes / talking about magic with him (vs their first scene in 5x01 being him telling her all about the magic stuff he's reading) and Rayla keeping her disappointment at bay always hits hard and I loove 4x06 when she's beating herself up and he takes care of her because a Good Relationship isn't about how you treat each other when everything's fine, it's 100% about how treat each other when life is hard/stressful and/or you're upset with each other

But I love all the gentle teasing in early S5 and the fist bump lives in my head eternally rent free. The 2x03 hug also means a lot to me cause that was the turning point she went from being a friend to being family and I think in a lot of ways, that's their relationship's most important turning point alongside maybe 1x06 (trusting her anyway!) 4x09 (forgiveness) and 5x04 (her opening up).

5x02 post-inn and stargazing scene are also faves just because of how happy they are talking about Nothing and everything, and like — that's just so fucking real, y'know? When someone makes everything automatically better just by being there

As Callum says, "We've been through a lot, and a lot has changed. Well, some things have changed, but not everything," and this never will

[infinitebrians]

Favorite Games of 2023 Part Final: Pokemon Crystal Clear Clown Edition

Pokemon Crystal Clear is a romhack for the Gameboy Color game that mainly advertises itself as Pokemon Crystal modified so now it is entirely playable as a free roaming open world. Clown Edition is just what I called the rom of the game after creating and injecting a pokemon trainer sprite sheet into the game so I can play as my own character, Clown. I played the whole game on my New 3ds XL, it took a quite a bit of effort to get this exact version of the game working on my 3ds. It was incredibly worth it, this is not just my favorite game, but favorite 'game experience', and even easily my new pick for all time favorite pokemon game in the series.

The game itself was fun and a refreshing new way to experience a pokemon game but the overall experience of getting the game working on a hacked 3ds and playing with my own created sprites was in itself a very fun bit of hobby work. It has revived my love for playing older games on real hardware, something that I have found myself continuing to do this year. Also, seeing my own art in the game and said art feel cohesive with the world ruled and I want to experience that more in some other way. This game made me more into pokemon than I have felt with official releases in a pretty long while, and I even liked my time playing Scarlet. I loved playing on a handheld, I loved seeing the really well made art from gen 2, and I loved being able to put a bit of myself into the game as well.

Apologies for how rambley this gets, I really liked the game but still somehow found it hard to really organize my thoughts on why exactly.

I wanted to revisit this hack after briefly trying it in 2018 because of this excellent Hazel video (https://youtu.be/96YimpRHQHs). The video details various life stories while talking about favorite locations in the games getting me to think about my own favorite spots in the games and where I was personally at the time. The video also got me to start realizing that Porygon might be one of my favorite pokemon in the series and caused me to make drawings of them that I'm still quite fond of. This then made me recall Crystal Clear which contains a feature of surprisingly deep character customization including a wide selection of possible starter picks one of which being Porygon. So, compelled by the allure of having a fun adventure with a cyber duck, I picked up my hacked 3ds and started the game again.

Crystal Clear is a game that allowed for me to be even more creative about how to approach building my team and creating my own adventure out of playing pokemon. It's not for everyone, it wasn't even for me the first time I tried this game back in 2018. Crystal Clear definitely lends itself much more to the idea of creating your own fun than typical linear pokemon games where if you're not interested in that more free form exploration, the game would feel aimless. I even felt this when starting this playthrough, but the goal of pokedex completion was what encouraged to explore and discover Crystal Clear's world. The game was always surprising me in both the number of quality of life features it provided as well as fun new areas to explore or to better make the world more connected. Over time, the game felt more at home to me from getting more familiar with locations and developing a new sense of fondness for several towns in Johto I frequented. The change from a linear progression to that open ended one gave me a better sense of the world and towns had a bit more life to them as places felt more inviting to hang around in.

I love this game's implementation of the pokedex. It has been designed so it will display just about every piece of information about a pokemon, where to find them, when they evolve, what moves they learn, and so on. While the presentation is definitely clunky due to having to have all of that information on a GBC screen, I found this such an invaluable tool to have in game that for the first time in the entire pokemon series I was heavily making use of the in game pokedex for its intended purpose. Being able to look up relevant information for pokemon all entirely in game without having to have a phone/computer nearby with bulbapedia open all the time is just greatly appreciated. While the desire to keep some mystery around pokemon and how they evolve or what moves they'll learn can be part of the fun with the series, I think I just prefer being able to tell quickly if this is a stone evolution pokemon or not.

This was the first time I ever completed a pokedex in any pokemon game, something I've always wanted to do but never fully committed to the whole process. This is because of my own laziness toward how challenging that always was in proper releases due to so many pokemon being obscured behind multiple games and others being locked behind real world timed events. That or the fact that later games in the series just outright make the the act of getting a truly complete pokedex feel almost impossible. Instead, I finally accomplished a completed pokedex in a romhack that was made to make that sort of challenge feel reasonable with modified drop pools and changed events so everything within that one game is catchable. While now possible, I still found myself challenged with a game world spanning adventure of looking behind every rock, tree, and patch of grass to find every funny little guy I could. One particular memory was me spending maybe a week insisting on finding a dragonite in an encounter to catch which has a 1% chance of happening rather than spending the time leveling and evolving one instead. A very, very long process of hitting a tree over and over but made hilarious when later repeating the process for a tyranitar, another 1% chance encounter rate, was done in minutes. It was really fun having a plan ahead with how I was going to get every pokemon, constantly using expshare and other things to level guys to get them to evolve while try catching other guys. The ultimate reward of that certificate is still a pretty hilariously small, though I still kind of want to figure out a way to print mine out.

What made this game so special to me was simply just adding Clown to it. A simple change that was a surprisingly complicated process of getting a crash course on how GBC color palettes and size limitations worked and getting my hacked 3ds up to date on its software. Creating the various Clown sprite drawings was fun, I always liked working in those sorts of strict limitations. Then finally getting the injection to work and seeing my own art in game on real hardware felt surreal, something in this handheld game console I've had forever, on a game I loved for years has something I made in it. Even the process of getting all of this working, as tedious as it was moving game saves and getting color values just right, made this whole experience more special to me.

Something I figured while playing this as well as also from now having also played Dragon Warrior 1+2 and also currently Final Fantasy 5, I really love playing things on a handheld. Playing games on a handheld device has been so much more compelling of a thing to me than ever than playing on a proper TV/computer. The aspect of being able to just let the console sit on my desk and simply open and close it when interested made the feeling of investing myself into a game so much easier to approach. I want to just keep playing more old games on a handheld now, I'm already planning on other games to play and how I should definitely hack my Vita. My friends keep tempting me with one of those emulator handhelds and I don't even need one but they look really cool though.

I have so much respect for people who make fan works, hacks, and other unofficial projects it has been just amazing to see passion projects happen all the time in the gaming community. Playing this romhack that's been a years long, ongoing project in two different eras (2018 and then again in 2023) of it's existence has only further cemented my admiration. People wanting to be creative and open about their love for this form of art is such a wonderful thing to behold. These moments of creative passion being shared to everyone feels so important, reminding that the projects with the biggest budgets and names are not the end all be all of the medium, despite their desperation to be so. Thank you so much for wanting to share such lovely things with the world.

[aro-but-not-ace]

Being in relationships as a romance neutral/favorable aro (for alloro readers with aro partners)

I’m romance neutral* and greyromantic*. I have been in romantic relationships. I don’t believe I was attracted to my partners as much as people thought I was. But I chose to be in those relationships and stayed with those people until other factors didn’t work out (ie unfixable communication issues or different long term goals).

I’ve had some of my partners ask “so you don’t love me?” when I opened up more about being arospec with a sad tone in their voice. Or I’ve had friends say “why would you be someone’s partner if you don’t love them?” with a hint of judgment and disdain as they say it.

Here is how I look at it, and keep in mind, this is most likely NOT a universal aro experience. BUT I know that some alloro people worry that since their aro partners don’t “love” them, they can’t be sure about their relationship at all.

Aromanticism is the lack of romantic attraction. In my personal experience, this generally means I have equal attraction to everybody in a romantic sense (side note, this is why I thought I was biromantic for a long time). So, imagine, baseline I just feel neutral about everyone. My relationships are largely based upon experiences and connections I have with people, not solely on attraction.

A lot of my partners thought that this means I feel less about them or that they were just like everyone else. But here’s the thing—I literally chose them out of everyone else to be partners with. In a broader sense, take how alloplatonic* people view friendships: you may be closer with some friends, you may trust some friends with certain things more, or you might have just become friends and are learning more about each other. These people are all friends, and the friendship dynamic isn’t always built on platonic attraction. It can be extremely circumstantial.

If you worry about your aro partner leaving you because they’re aro, I assure you that they will not just up and leave at random just because they’re aro. If they do, there is a very different reason for that. It’s a very personal and complex topic. It ties into factors such as commitment, communication, life goals, and relationship satisfaction and compatibility.

So if anyone is alloromantic and questioning if they can be in a relationship with an aro person, think about it this way: the question shouldn’t be “do they love me?”, and try thinking about it as “do they care for me?”

Glossary* and footnotes after the break

Just some disclaimers so I don’t have to explain later:

1. Yes, some aro people can feel love in other ways. Yes, some aros are loveless. We are all different. I mostly think that alloro people associate “do they love me?” directly with “do they love me romantically?”, which is understandable, but personally I think that in any relationship, CARE and ACTION are the most important aspects in any relationship. Even in an allo relationship, two people can love each other but not properly care for one another.

2. Also, love is not easily defined, so “do they care for me” presents a much more concrete and observable question that is much less stressful than “do they love me?” And I say this as someone who ended up in abusive situations because I told myself “well, they love me, so this must be fine.” I am mostly making this post to tell alloromantic people that being aro does not directly affect how someone may act in a relationship. Yes, it might be a factor, but saying aro = unloving partner is not true and extremely harmful.

3. I wrote this while sleep deprived and I talk a lot when sleep deprived so sorry if this all made no sense or was very rambley.

*GLOSSARY:

Romance neutral - feeling indifferent to romance, whether it be romantic coded actions (ie kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc), romantic situations (ie dates), or the general idea of a romantic relationship

Romance favorable - desiring to engage in romance despite being aromantic, generally the opposite of being romance repulsed

Greyromantic - feeling romantic attraction but less frequently or intensely as alloromantic people. Also an umbrella term for other microlabels in the aro community

Alloplatonic - people who feel platonic (friend) attraction, as opposed to being aplatonic (lacking platonic attraction)

[metalphoenix]

Super heroes as an allegory for Queer and Trans Narratives

Forgive me if this is a little rambley I have already taken my sleep meds.

I was just thinking about why I like super heroes so much (they have been my special interested for probably around 8 years now) and I think because they can be seen as a queer allegory.

You have a separate life, one that you have to keep separate from your day to day life. That very much feels like being in the closet/mostly in the closet. That secrete life comes with a different name and different clothes. Trans people or Drag Artists anyone? Most of the time super heroes find each other and form a tight community because no civilian will understand their experiences. This mirrors queer people finding and building community. In both Marvel and DC older heroes will take younger ones under their wings to teach them and give them community. Queer people have taken me under their wing and I've done the same for others.

Theres also the isolation. Most heroes are only "out" as heroes to other heroes and maybe a few civilians they really truly trust. Or maybe no one knows. The knowledge that you have a huge secret. You are hiding a big part of your self. Maybe the part that is more you than the you everyone else knows. You know that if you tell or someone finds out, everything will change. Others may or may not except that part of you. You may loose people you love. Maybe the people who are close to you are pro heroes (Ned from Spiderman) or maybe they are not (Foggy from Daredevil) but either way there will always be a possibility of rejection.

The danger of being a hero also lines up. They wear masks, cowls, helmets, disguises etc, to hide their identities because if people knew they and the people they love would be in danger. Heroes who's identities are known (either by their own volition or someone else's) are also in danger. Batman keeps his and his kids identities under lock and key because everything goes wrong when the wrong person finds out. Jessica Jones does not because she's tired of hiding. Queer people weather in or out of the closet are also in danger of being outed. I've been outed before and it ruined one relationship and almost ruined another. I've lost friends and family because of being queer and nonbinary and I'm from a pretty liberal area. Just look up death, houselessness, rape, unemployment, suicide statistic etc. All of them are higher for queer, trans and intersex folks.

The last parallel I can think of is how both super heroes and queer/trans people exist outside of the system/establishment. Heroes and vigilantes work outside of the justice system because in most cases because they see it doesn't work. They are usually at risk of arrest by cops or in danger from the government (the Sokovia accords are a good example of this). Queer people exist outside of many establishments: The gender binary, amatonormativity, heteronormativity, the sex binary, etc. Queer people are also at greater risk of arrest and experiencing police violence.

IDK these are just my thoughts. I hope everything made sense. If you can think of any other ways super hero narratives mirror lgbtq experiences feel free to put them in the notes! (or not its whatever)

[rhythmicjester]

💜💜🥳🥳🥳🥳 HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIDGET!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳💜💜

(this was meant to post yesterday actually during their bday but tumblr shat itself ARRRGHHHH… alas..)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVOURITE OUR WONDERLAND CHARACTER WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART 🥹🥹💜 featuring my lovely friends who enable my insanity

edited floaty gidget and me being stupidly sappy n rambley under the cut..

okay so I started playing our wonderland like a year ago now and safe to say its like totally taken over my life 🥹 and gidget. aagh. gidget. aagh. aaagh!!!!

im really bad at articulating stuff (probably on account of my mental impairment but… YKNWO… XD) and there is lots of feelings and thoughts and agh gidget. GIDGETTT!!!! i will try my best to word

our wonderland as a whole has grown to mean a shit ton to me (but ill talk more abt that at length in a later post) and i love all the characters so so fucking much and especially gidget and iggy. especially gidget, oh gidget has thieved away with this aching heart of mine. or something.

im always extremely drawn to n obsessed w characters and storylines around like… a self suppression, muting, coiling up into some unreal ideal and reality so deeply it becomes some 'new reality', until you can barely see yourself anymore…. im crazy abt that shit. it rules. and gidget is all that. and also just a silly illy billy booly looly who i want to put in my mouth and chew up like a wad of paper. uh

i think about them like all the time 24/7 366 (cause its a leap year!) and im always like. thinking on new angles and perspectives and little intricacies and probably a solid 80% of it is just all in my head but god. i love them sm they are so awesome n well written n silly n WAAAAAAAAAAAGH

i love gidget so much. i love our wonderland so much. thankyou carrot so much for your wonderful phenomenal storytelling, characters and art, im like consistently entranced and blown away by it istg.

again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIDGET!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳💜💜💜🥹 and i hope all of you have very fantastic days. i luv this game n fandom n gidget so much. life may be very stormy and dark and scary but oh it truly is joyous i think. but maybe thats a little too sappy even for me

i eep now

goodnight !

(oh and heres the floaty gidget. im really proud of how it turned out. i keep on flying around the print out of it and saying 'look they have smelled some delicious pie…' i am a very predictable and simple person.)