#just ones i felt showed a variety of expression or was particularly iconic on my blog

[coldslaws]

(almost) 2 years' worth of n. e(n)joy

been a blast drawing this guy and sharing it all with you. thank yall and here's to probably many more ns to come :)

[shedoessoshedoes]

i'll sing her my songs, i'll stay through the night.

HAPPY NESSIAN WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't think I was going to have anything to post (and I haven't posted fic in like a year oops) but I hope you like this one for Song Association! Inspired by Taylor Swift's surprise songs and Peter Sun's song "First of July." Enjoy, and let me know what you think!!

@nessianweek

also, I have an ao3 now (YAY) sooo read on ao3

warnings: some language

word count: 1.3k

“Alright, alright,” Cassian chuckles as he works to calm the crowd down. It’s a packed house tonight, and they’ve been rowdy since the boys took the stage. “Welcome to our acoustic set!” The crowd goes wild at this: the Bat Boys have been adding in surprise songs to their set since they started performing, and it’s become a major draw for concerts. They rotate picking a song each show, and there are no rules on what that song has to be.

Azriel tends to pick slower, indie songs, and their fans adored his version of ‘Next to You’ by John Vincent III so much they ended up releasing it as a single. Rhys picks classic rock more often than not, and Cassian has the most variety: everything from ‘Let’s Talk About Sex,’ to Hozier’s ’NFWMB.’

They’ve played unreleased music, fan favorites that don’t fit into the typical set, covers of nearly everything, and, most memorably, have dedicated some of their favorite songs to their girls. Rhys’s picks are always overly sappy songs for Feyre: his performance of Frankie Valli’s ‘Can’t Take My Eyes off You’ was particularly iconic as he reenacted Heath Leger’s 10 Things I Hate About You dance. Azriel brought Elain out one night and perched her on a stool next to him while he covered Gregory Alan Isakov’s ‘Big Black Car’ for her. Cassian’s dedicated songs to Nesta, of course, but since they decided to keep their relationship private, he’s never acknowledged her officially before playing a song. Until tonight.

“So, y’all are especially lucky because it’s my turn to pick the surprise song for you tonight, and we have something extra special for you.” He sits down on the stool the stagehand brings out and slings an electric guitar over his shoulder as he sits. “I don’t know if any of you saw, but I actually got engaged last week.” They’d announced it with a picture of Nesta’s ring on his Instagram, the only caption a white heart. No tag. The public knew Cassian was seeing someone, but they didn’t know who she was. Didn’t know she was Feyre and Elain’s sister, and had no idea she was in the crowd tonight. “If it’s alright with you, I’d like to play a song I wrote for her.” The crowd goes wild, and Cassian grins.

“It’s the first time we’re playing it, and she hasn’t even heard it yet,” he chuckles. “She doesn’t know I wrote it, either.” The crowd oooohs in response. “It’ll be out at midnight tonight, so you can listen to it again, if you’d like. It’s called ‘First of July,’ and I hope you like it. Nes, sweetheart, I hope you like it, too.”

He starts playing, simple chords on the guitar filling the venue.

I know that she loves me. I know that she loves the mountains more. Sun on her shoulders. First of July.

In the crowd near the stage, Nesta is standing, awestruck. She had no idea he was planning this. No idea he was even writing a song, much less one named for the day they met, and to spring it on her like this, well. She was probably going to cry. He did that to her. Made her express how she felt a little more honestly than she ever had. She stares up at him as he continues to sing, hand over her mouth.

You can’t tell her one thing to do She pushes your limits, she makes her own rules She’ll lift you up just to let you down, But she’s honest, she’s kind, she’s like no one around.

I’ll sing her my songs, I’ll stay through the night, With her in my arms, with her at my side So tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll make it right.

”Fuck,” she whispers, reaching blindly out for Elain or Gwyn’s hand. “I didn’t know he was doing this.”

Feyre laughs. “Rhys says he’s been planning it since you met.”

“Shit, Feyre, don’t tell me that. I’m already a mess.” Gwyn wraps Nesta up into a hug. Emerie gives the group of them a knowing look from where she plays with the boys on stage. Cassian is looking determinedly down at his guitar, and Nesta knows he’s nervous about what she thinks of this.

I know that she’s happy. I know ‘cause she’s humming while she eats At the counter Twelve o’clock noon

I know that she’s happy. I know ‘cause she’s reading me her stories. That she writes They’re not the ones she hides.

Nesta laughs wetly as Cass launches back into the refrain. It really was about her. About her schedule when she was on a deadline, and the songs she would hum when they wiggled their way into her brain and she couldn’t get them out. About the stories she read to him, and the scenes she hid because they may have been inspired by certain activities and she didn’t want Cassian getting too much of an ego, even if he was sure to read them once the books came out.

I’ll sing her my songs, I’ll stay through the night, Dear honeybear, love bug, sweetheart of mine.

She starts crying, then, because he hasn’t called her any of those names since they first started dating and determined ‘sweetheart’ was the only pet name she could stand. He really had been thinking about this for the whole time, then.

I know that I love her. I know ‘cause there’s nothing else I want.

Cassian finishes the song to raucous applause, and Nesta’s already sure it’s going to top the charts by the end of the week. He starts to get up and adjust for the next song, but she needs him to know she loved his gesture. That she was okay with it. “Cassian!” she shouts.

His head whips up, attuned to her at all times, even in a space as loud and chaotic as this one. When he sees her smiling despite the tears running down her face, his expression softens into a smile she knows is just for her. She waves him over, and he turns to gesture at a security guard. He looks back at her his face clearly asking if she’s doing what he thinks she is. She nods, and then follows a security guard up to the stage.

Cassian meets her at the top of the stairs. “You sure, sweetheart?” Nesta nods. He laughs, once, a joyous, hopeful sound, and kisses her. The crowd goes wild, and he’s sure the his brothers and the rest of his band are cheering too, but all he can see is Nesta. He pulls away from her to bury his head into the crook of her shoulder, and presses a kiss to her neck. “Love you, love you, love you.” He mumbles, and Nesta pushes him up and away so she can look at him.

“I love you too, you idiot. Go finish your show.” He laughs and pecks her nose.

“Nesta Archeron, everyone!” he shouts into the microphone, holding her left hand up so the camera can zoom in on her ring. “Also known as the love of my life.”

Nesta laughs, and he kisses her one more time. “See you after?” he asks.

“You always do. Break a leg. Don’t bring anyone else up here.”

“Never. It’s just you, Nes.”

“I love you, too, Cassian.”

He goes back to his set and Nesta watches the rest of the concert from off-stage. They finish and bow, and Nesta already knows there won’t be another show like this any time soon. She takes a picture of Cassian running back to her as he comes off stage, takes a deep breath, and posts it on Instagram. The caption reads: ‘@batcassian i guess the secret’s out. i love you.’

Cassian changes his Instagram handle to @cassianarcheron the next day.

[clarebear-0925]

hi i’m here to expand on this theory actually because i’ve been wanting to articulate my thoughts on this for a while.

here’s the thing: i believe that Gojo is going to come back (and this volume extra only further supports that conclusion)— but with a catch.

Let’s go over the evidence, shall we?

(Sorry in advance, this will probably long, but let me cook)

Firstly, throughout the entire series, we know that Gojo has been incredibly lonely, isolated at the top by jujutsu society

as summed up in this iconic panel, with just him, vast empty white space, and his title, the only thing most people know him for/define him by, aka “the strongest.”

We also know that isolation played a big role in his mental state and thinking until his death, and is also something that Gege made sure to reemphasize during his last moments in chapter 236.

In this conversation, Gojo expresses the gap he felt and also sets up the connected imagery of him and flowers.

I feel as though it is also particularly significant that the person he finally opens up to about his feelings on this isolation is Geto.

Next, JJK is sometimes nicknamed “jumpkaisen” as a joke by fans due to how often the characters team up against the villains. However, I think this tendency actually has more significance in the overall narrative than a just a unique bit of flavor for the fights.

Over the course of the series, we have seen all sorts of teamups between a wide variety of characters- like the widespread jumpkaisen nickname suggests, it an iconic part of JJK's combat.

However, one character is particularly exempt from this trend- Gojo. (and also Sukuna but we’ll get into that later.)

He is always fighting alone- as an adult, we never see him fighting alongside other characters the way that other characters do- a fact that is made especially clear in the final battle (including the contrast between the Gojo v Sukuna 1 on 1 to the absolute dogpile that is going on in the manga right now).

The only times we ever saw Gojo fighting alongside another person is with Geto in his youth-

but after everything happens, he is permanently cut off.

Ok, so now let’s put these two points (his isolation and the fight trends) to serve up a prediction.

I believe that Gojo is going to come back severely weakened to the point that he will finally have to fight WITH others- in particular, the students who he has made it his express goal to protect and nurture so they can go on to improve jujutsu society.

This would be a sharp contrast to Sukuna, who has continually refused any chance or notion of love and connection, possibly due to his belief that it is unattainable due to his strength.

(Serena has an amazing video on this topic- go watch it for a better understanding)

I also think it would be a great way to show that Gojo HAS been successful in his goal to nurture a better future of jujutsu- rather than the society isolating and systematically breaking students like it did Geto, the students are now seen all working together.

So, in conclusion, yes, Sukuna will in fact be defeated by the power of love and friendship (and a couple dozen or so black flashes), and it is NOT Gojover.

Also, here is supplemental information (again from the amazing Serena) regarding the flower depicted on Gojo’s cover and the volume 26 extra.

I think the fact that Gojo compared himself to a flower in Chapter 236 as he died, and the fact that the flower in the supplemental (who he is clearly connected to via the cover) hasn’t hit the ground yet is a very good (and more concrete) sign for his chances of returning.

I would just like to point out that the flower from the volume 26 extras HASN’T HIT THE GROUND YET. GOJO FANS THIS IS HOW WE CAN STILL WIN!!!!

[taekooktimeline]

December 31st, 2019 / January 1st, 2020

Following New Year’s Countdown, members take turns to talk about their resolutions. Tae says he wants to occupy himself with activities that heal his mind, although we understand it’s simply to maintain or - if possible - increase the level of happiness he experienced during 2019 as he said it was a happy year.

Jungkook interjects, interested in knowing whom he would do such activities with. If we go over prior events we can see that Tae had been going on trips with his family and various friends, including him & the wooga squad on a yacht, while Jk saw his own friends and relatives, complaining about Jhope and Jimin being the only members he had seen during their 1 month-long vacation on mid 2019, which could or could not be true, but if Taekook briefly saw each other they wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere outside an apartment. Jungkook could be bothered by this lack of private adventures and shared experiences (disregarding their variety shows). Wooga squad had also met up during Christmas Eve. Again, we don’t know if Tk spent some little time together or not.

Tae responds by saying there are many things that he can do alone. That answer doesn’t quite satisfy Jungkook who asks “not with us?”. It seems like Jungkook thought that they could be hanging out more than what they were and that Taehyung was going overboard with the closeting to the point of slightly distancing himself (although not reaching awkwardness like they later tried to sell).

Jungkook actually wrote a song that could give insight into this situation since it could have been written around this time. The Japanese demo was finished before March 2020 since it was first mentioned then, probably written only a few months before. Jk drew a big, artistic eye on a whiteboard on Dec 4th, which suggests he was already working on the songs’ adaptation to the Japanese film which gave it its name. This means he wrote the Korean version before December of 2019 and it had nothing to do with the pandemic. “Your Eyes Tell” talks about Jk being fearful of someone leaving him, even crying over it. He wants this person to believe him when he says that he wants a future with them no matter the hardships, even if he can’t say it out loud yet (meaning not ready to come out yet?) and his past demons haunt him sometimes (his lowest being late 2017/ early 2018). To believe him when he says that he finds this “darkness” to be beautiful if they are together. He says the world would be dull without the other and that he won’t take his eyes off of this person making sure that they don’t leave his side. If we assume this person to be Tae then, for whatever reason, Jk sensed that Tae was doubting Jk’s determination to keep going with their relationship, maybe due to the added difficulties that came with living in different apartments since around July 2019 and the weight of the prolonged closeting strategies. Jk may have interpreted the beginning of what seemed like a distancing as some sort of test where Tae gave him an easy way out or feared that if the situation progressed in this direction Tae would end up falling into thoughts that went something like “I should be the one to put an end to this for Jungkook’s sake” so he instead reassured him about his love through a ballad. It’s unclear whether Jk had real reasons to worry or he was just insecure about the changes in their relationship (living situation + heavier closeting = less private time together) and linking them to Tae’s past tendencies where he thought Jk would be better off without him.

Continuing with the topic, the night prior to this vlive Tae announced that he had recently written the first version of a song. It was written somewhere between the 14th & the 31st of December of 2019 and it seems like he was talking about “Sweet Night”, a song that was said to be completed by the start of March 2020 for the drama “Itaewon Class”. While we think that this song is based on Tae’s past experiences (finding common ground with the drama) from when he first realized he was deeply in love, unsure if the other still felt the same way, it was necessary for him to be able to relive the emotions he once felt, as he explained about his general creation process. The song tells that they had already crossed the line or grazed it at some points, but the sentence “are you my best friend?” & the part where he regrets realizing he’s in love only after the opportunity had passed are much more fitting to earlier in their relationship when things had never been labeled as romantic nor gotten serious, prior to an actual relationship ever ensuing which only happens at the end of the drama (not compatible with their mutual, unwavering gestures of love & compromise done throughout the previous years in addition to them “hiding” things like them sharing hotel room = having a serious relationship). The adaptation of Tae’s beloved webtoon inspired him to rediscover these emotions as it was also an opportunity to be part of an OST for a drama that his friend had a role in, but it also makes you wonder if he was truly in danger of going through the regression that Jk feared, Tae’s mind going back to the time they missed out on love. The song includes phrases such as “now my forever is falling down wondering if you’d want me now”, “I wonder if you are too good to be true” & “guess we were ships in the night” (meeting for a brief moment, or coming close to doing so, but then losing sight of each other due to the darkness). This last sentence is perhaps the most worrisome because it feels timeless, easily applicable to his musings at the time of writing, knowing they have to hold on tight to not part ways again because, as Jk reassuringly says in YET: “even this darkness we see is beautiful”.

”Sweet Night” opens with the lyrics “on my pillow/can’t get me tired/sharing my fragile truth”. On the 14th of December of 2019 Tae said he couldn't sleep well those days and that it could be due to it being the end of the year. It’s something he recouringly has trouble with so it can remind him of other occasions in which he had that problem. He usually writes down his emotions in his diary and revisits them. He also mentioned Itaewon Class.

On the 31st of December he then said he wrote a song.

The 6th of March of 2020 he talks about “Sweet Night”. He was saying it was hard to convey how he wanted the instrumental to sound to the staff (“express what’s in his mind”), but it was completed briefly before this vlive.

Regardless, “Your Eyes Tell” tries to retain someone BEFORE the end approaches, acting as a reassurance in case the other doubts (similar to “My Time”, released in February of 2020, where he promises they’ll overcome the restrictions), and we don’t think they broke up in 2019 due to many reasons, among them Tae saying in his final comments that it was a happy year with no particularly sad moments. January 25th was then the start of Tae being quite loud on Weverse throughout 2020 by mentioning Jungkook the most out of the members on free will (disregarding their iconic public exchange initiated by Jk on the 15th) and giving special attention to Jk-related questions as well as Taekook-related usernames. An indication of Jk’s efforts having an effect and Tae feeling encouraged to add subtle ways in which he could play with or challenge the exaggerated closeting limitations? An interesting set of rings also appeared within the month of January and it must’ve been Tae who gave Jk two rings out of the set of five that he initially wore himself. Jk held dearly onto them.

[givemeonebreath]

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

[bpdanakins]

Anakin Skywalker + Borderline Personality Disorder

Hello there!

My name’s Elizabeth, and I really love Anakin Skywalker. I also really love the headcanon of him having Borderline Personality Disorder, so today I’m going to explore that headcanon. I’ll be explaining both the illness and its symptoms in detail, so you don’t need prior knowledge of BPD to read.

Like all mental illnesses, BPD can be expressed in many different ways. I’ll do my best to explore the ways Anakin shows signs and symptoms of it, and I’ll use a bit of both my own experience and experiences others have shared. You may agree or disagree, it’s all good. This is just something for fun, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

To start, I should explain what Borderline Personality Disorder is first. In the words of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Borderline Personality Disorder is defined as:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event.

This difficulty can lead to impulsivity, poor self-image, stormy relationships and intense emotional responses to stressors.

The symptoms of BPD as listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) reads as following:

** A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.)

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behaviour.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurring physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Alright, now that we have a basic understanding of the illness, I’ll move on to breaking down these symptoms and how they relate or show in Anakin with examples. I’ll be categorizing them as done in this article for ease of reading: Affective symptoms (covering criterion 6, 7 and 8), Impulsive symptoms (criterion 4 and 5), Interpersonal symptoms (criterion 1, 2, and 3) and Cognitive symptoms (criterion 9).

Affective Symptoms Affective symptoms is the category which covers the emotional dysregulation shown in BPD (intense moods, depression, anger and chronic feelings of emptiness). Those with BPD have difficulty controlling the range and intensity of their emotional responses; their emotions are incredibly unstable, changing moods often - sometimes within minutes.

In my experience, having BPD is like having a constant storm going on in your head, drowning out so many different things while highlighting all the wrong ones. Emotions can slam into you, so suddenly without warning or reason, so overwhelming that you can’t even think. That emotion is all there is. And then, just as suddenly, it recedes, leaving you feeling empty, or is replaced by another.

There are many, many examples of moments where Anakin’s emotions seem to change within moments. It is most prevalent with anger, especially since he has used it since a child as a way to cope with fear or other distressing situations and emotions.

Anakin was on top of him so fast the bigger being barely had time to put up his arms in defense before he was on the ground. Anakin was hitting him as hard and fast as he could, not thinking about anything but how angry he was, not even aware that the source of his anger had nothing to do with his victim and everything to do with losing Padmé. -- The Phantom Menace novelization

It is worth to note, too, that often the expressions of anger noticed in Borderlines stems from fear, panic, hopelessness, and desperation.

Borderlines are extremely sensitive to outside stimuli, meaning that a lot of the mood changes are in response to external events; particularly perceived rejection, failure or abandonment, although not always.

We know, as many characters have pointed out, Anakin focuses on the negative. Borderlines tend to be hypersensitive to the emotions of others, but often we’re more likely to notice negative emotions, rather than positive ones. This often results in us being more vulnerable in the face of criticism, and what would cause slight embarrassment for another may cause deep humiliation for us.

After this iconic first attempt at flirting, and Padmé’s subsequent teasing remark [“You’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine.”], Anakin’s reaction is explained thus in the novel: “And if she had taken his lightsaber from his belt and sliced his legs out from under him, she would not have shortened Anakin Skywalker more.”

(Another note on his attention to negativity is that he missed her widened smile, or the clear implications of it, too caught up in the idealized experience of being in her presence.)

However, while it is more common for a Borderline to swing toward the negative, this is not always the case! We feel all emotions to a higher degree, and this includes happiness, excitement, and other positive emotions. Anakin shows this too, mostly in response to things like approval, or love:

“Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s voice had gone soft, and his hand was warm on Anakin’s arm. “There is no other Jedi I would rather have at my side right now. No other man.” Anakin turned, and found within Obi-Wan’s eyes a depth of feeling he had only rarely glimpsed in all their years together; and the pure uncomplicated love that rose up within him then felt like a promise from the Force itself.

This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker, for now: The Supreme Chancellor returns your look with a hint of smile and a sliver of an approving nod, and for you, this tiny, trivial, comradely victory sparks a warmth and ease that relaxes the dragon-grip of dread on your heart. -- Revenge of the Sith novelization

(Also look at this face he makes when Obi-Wan says he’s proud of him help me it’s so cute.)

We have an example of all three (anger to perceived criticism and disapproval, heightened emotions to approval, jealousy and playfulness all fluctuating quickly):

Padmé moved back to arm’s length and managed a smile as she looked over to Anakin. “Then my Jedi protector will have to prove how good he is.” Dormé gave a nervous chuckle and wiped a tear from her eye as she smiled and nodded. Off to the side, Anakin held his smile within, deciding consciously to wear a posture that exuded confidence and control. But inside he was thrilled to hear Padmé’s compliments coming his way. Obi-Wan shattered that warmth, pulling the young Padawan off to the side. “You stay on Naboo,” Obi-Wan said. “Don’t attract attention. Do absolutely nothing without checking in with me or the Council.” “Yes, Master,” Anakin answered obediently, but inside, he was churning, wanting to lash out at Obi-Wan. Do nothing, absolutely nothing, without checking in, without asking for permission? Hadn’t he earned a bit more respect than that? Hadn’t he proven a bit more resourceful, a Padawan to be trusted? “I will get to the bottom of this plot quickly, M’Lady,” he heard Obi-Wan say to Padmé. Anakin seethed inwardly. Hadn’t that been exactly the course he had suggested to his Master when they had first been assigned to watch over the Senator? “You’ll be back here in no time,” Obi-Wan assured her. “I will be most grateful for your speed, Master Jedi.” Anakin didn’t appreciate hearing Padmé speak of any gratitude at all toward Obi-Wan. At least, he didn’t want Padmé to elevate Obi-Wan’s importance in all this above his own. “Time to go,” he said, striding forward. [...] “Suddenly I’m afraid,” Padmé said to him as they walked away, heading toward the giant star freighter that would take them to Naboo. Behind the pair, R2-D2 rolled along, tootling cheerily. “This is my first assignment on my own. I am, too.” Anakin turned about, taking Padmé’s gaze with his own, and grinned widely. “But don’t worry. We’ve got Artoo with us!” Again, the levity was much needed. -- Attack of the Clones novelization

Most of the events that take place on Grievous’ ship in Revenge of the Sith, both the movie and the novelization, are a great example of Anakin’s inability for emotional modulation (i.e. the ability to control the intensity of emotions) and his emotional dysregulation. He experiences joy when joking with Obi-Wan, later fear which he turns to fury during his fight with Dooku, dissociates (as I will show below) when he executes him, and then happiness when teasing Obi-Wan and having approval from Palpatine.

Impulsive Symptoms There are many times in media and society that being impulsive is seen as a good thing. Spontaneity is a thrilling and exciting trait, and someone who has it is framed as a fun person to be around.

However, in mental illness, impulses are often uncontrollable and detrimental to the health and safety of the self or of others. In BPD, it is described as reckless and self-damaging.

Many in the fandom see Anakin as a reckless and impulsive person. It’s framed in a good light; it means he thinks “outside the box”, is unconventional but gets things done and saves the day anyways. And it is true, he is those things and he often does so to help others. Plus, we have to take into consideration that the Force plays a role too. What is considered almost automatically harmful recklessness to us may not be for someone with the Force.

The line that must be drawn, then, is all about intent and motive. Is he doing this because he wants to hurt himself, or because he does not care if it harms him as a result? Without knowing his internal thoughts on the matter, or without being shown the actions as carelessness combined with negative emotions, it can be pretty tough to nail down.

So, we can perhaps infer if something Anakin does might follow in the lines of suicidal/self-injurous behaviour, but given the nature of what the shows/movies/books are (aka, not meant to be THAT dark, despite, you know, burning people and dead children, I guess), we don’t really have much to go on.

One easy example, however, is shown through the lens of parasuicide.

PARASUICIDE   Parasuicide is a term for behaviour that includes both actual suicide attempts and self-injuries with little or no intent to cause death. Take, for example, an individual engaging in reckless driving: they could be doing it for the rush, in hopes it drowns out their overwhelming negative emotions, and while their intent at the time is not on crashing and dying, they might not care if it happens.

Cannonfire blazed past him, impacting on the support struts ahead. Too late to change his mind now: he was committed. He would bring his ship through, or he would die. Right now, strangely, he didn’t actually care which. -- Revenge of the Sith novelization

Interpersonal Symptoms One of the most commonly recognized symptoms of BPD are those that affect our interpersonal relationships. The fear of abandonment, the black-and-white thinking, the lack of a true identity: these are symptoms you are most likely to hear discussed first when looking into BPD or talking to someone about it.

These three criteria are all very intertwined, and they often feed or lean into each other. But most importantly, these are the symptoms that tend to come with a lot of terminology used specifically in Borderline circles.

SPLITTING    What is splitting? Splitting is the term we use for the moments we switch from idealization to devaluation, or vice versa. Borderlines tend to think in black and white with no shades of gray; either people are all good, or all bad. When we “split”, it is a change in that opinion or worldview from one to the other.

In other words, one could say...

Splitting can be caused by all sorts of things, such as someone not living up to the ideal or triggering the fear of abandonment.

Splitting is often associated with opinions of others, but Borderlines can split on their views of themselves, objects, things, beliefs or even organizations (like, say, the Jedi Order).

Anakin’s splitting is often shown in his relationship with Obi-Wan. He sees him as a great hero, the greatest Jedi ever - as wise as Master Yoda and as powerful as Master Windu. (There’s also this.) He can wax poetic about how Obi-Wan is his best friend, a great mentor, that Anakin loves him...

Yet, even in the same conversation, or even within only days, he talks about Obi-Wan being jealous, overly critical, holding him back, saying it’s his fault that Anakin’s struggling. He can be joking with him in an elevator one moment, to seething the next when Obi-Wan expresses disapproval or disappointment. (Essentially AotC Anakin is splitting on Obi-Wan the whole time.)

Anakin can go on about how he loves Obi-Wan, that he wouldn’t have it any other way than to be fighting at his side, and then easily switch to saying that he cannot be trusted, to saying I hate you. And when he says and thinks these things, he means them. Why is it that Anakin can seemingly forget the soft, genuine moments he’s had with Obi-Wan within hours, to the point his entire view on who Obi-Wan is can change?

RELATIONSHIP OBJECT PERMANENCE    Object permanence is a skill we all learn when we are mere infants. To put it simply, it is the realization that just because we cannot see or sense something anymore, does not mean it no longer exists. It’s why babies cry when someone leaves the room; they do not realize that things can exist even when not right in front of them.

In turn, relationship object permanence is the knowledge that a relationship, and all the good feelings that come with it, exists even when that relationship is not being constantly affirmed. (i.e. If you do not tell me you care for me, how can I know?) This skill is one Borderlines tend to lack, which is why we have such fears of abandonment, even when it’s irrational.

A simple example of this in Anakin is that he shares that Soft moment with Obi-Wan mentioned above - the one about the pure, uncomplicated love - only to later that night tell Padmé:

“Maybe he does [love me]. But I don’t think he trusts me.” His eyes went as bleak as the empty night. “And I’m not sure we can trust him.”

In the moment, Anakin does not doubt Obi-Wan’s feelings. Later, when he is full of fear, when he is so focused on Padmé and their child, he doubts Obi-Wan’s loyalties, let alone how much he cares.

On the flipside, Anakin idealizes Padmé. A lot. To the point he has, in a way, built part of his identity around her. Borderlines tend to lack a solid sense of self, and sometimes an expression of this identity disturbance revolves around defining oneself by their relationships; losing these, in turn, results in a sense that everything is meaningless and empty.

Since he was a child, Anakin saw Padmé in a grand light: she was an angel, beautiful and perfect, and he just knew he was gonna marry her. Since that moment, he has not ever dismantled or even noticed that pedestal he has placed her upon.

For years, he clung to the idea that he would be her husband, and this turned into, in his mind, a simple fact of his life. A piece of him that he could be sure about. He knows he is not what a Jedi should be; he is called the Hero With No Fear, which he knows is so inaccurate; they’re losing the war... but he has Padmé, and he cannot lose her.

“The Hero With No Fear. What a joke... Padmé, I can’t lose you. I can’t. You’re all I live for.”

“I couldn’t wait, Padmé. I had to see you.” He took her in his arms. “Tonight is forever from now - how am I supposed to live that long without you?” -- Revenge of the Sith novelization

Another of the hallmark symptoms of BPD is the frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether real or imagined. Borderlines often find it extremely hard to let go of relationships, and will do much in an effort to keep others from leaving.

Losing people he loves is the source of Anakin’s greatest fears.

But Anakin’s fear is another kind of dragon. A cold kind. A dead kind. [...] The dragon reminds him, every night, that someday he will lose Obi-Wan. He will lose Padmé. Or they will lose him. All things die, Anakin Skywalker. Even the stars burn out... He can barely even think about it. -- Revenge of the Sith novelization

Now, I have it on good authority that most Borderlines don’t end up going Dark Side and committing massacres to avoid someone they love leaving them, but Anakin likes to stand out.

Cognitive Symptoms These are the symptoms that relate to dissociation, paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, and other troubling but non-psychotic symptoms.

DISSOCIATION    Dissociation is a psychological experience in which people feel disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. It is usually experienced as a feeling of intense alienation or unreality, in which the person suddenly loses their sense of where they are, who they are, of what they are doing. (x) For Borderlines, the most common forms of dissociation experienced are derealization and depersonalization.

DEPERSONALIZATION is defined as a detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Symptoms include: feeling that you’re an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, or your body; emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you; a sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may not be your own memories, and more.

DEREALIZATION is defined as an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Symptoms include: feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings - as if you’re living in a movie or dream; feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about; distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past, and more.

For some, dissociation can often be the mind’s way of trying to protect itself from traumatic events or actions; sometimes even in response to extreme emotions. An easy example to observe is after Shmi’s death in Attack of the Clones - Hayden’s reaction can very easily be read as someone who is immediately trying to disconnect (emotionally, mentally) to this sudden trauma.

It’s expounded upon in its novelization as well:

The minutes slipped past and Anakin just sat there, immobilized by his confusion, by a budding rage and the most profound sense of emptiness he had ever known. Only when the pale light began to grow around him, making the low-burning candles seem even thinner, did he even remember where he was. He looked about, wondering how he might get his mother’s body out of there. [...] He could hardly move, though. There seemed a profound pointlessness to it all, a series of motions without meaning.

We also often have Anakin describing moments as if they were ‘a dream’, as if these things weren’t a part of him, but here are two good examples from the RotS novel:

The murderer blinked again. Who am I? Was he the slave boy on a desert planet, valued for his astonishing gift with machines? Was he the legendary Podracer, the only human to survive that deadly sport? Was he the unruly, high-spirited, trouble-prone student of a great Jedi Master? The star pilot? The hero? The lover? The Jedi? [...] The deck bucked as the cruiser absorbed a new barrage of torpedoes and turbolaser fire. Dooku’s severed head bounced along the deck and rolled away, and Anakin woke up.

In the Tusken camp he had lost his mind. [...] The Tuskens has been killed, slaughtered, massacred - but that has been beyond his control, and now it seemed to him as if it had been done by someone else: like a story he heard that had little to do with him at all.

PARANOID THOUGHTS   Paranoia involves intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy. Paranoia can become delusions, when irrational thoughts and beliefs become so fixed that nothing (including contrary evidence) can convince a person that what they think or feel is not true. (x)

Signs of paranoia include intense, irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on a sense of fear, anger and betrayal. Some symptoms include mistrust, hypervigilance, difficulty with forgiveness, a defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax or being argumentative.

Within Borderlines, this ideation is described as transient and stress-related, meaning it often only lasts a short time and is brought on by a high level of stress.

Anakin experiences many bouts of paranoia over his life, often manifesting in his (sort of) delusion that Padmé is in grave danger, that he must do anything to protect her from it; in the thoughts that the Jedi mistrust him, are out to get him because of jealousy or other reasons; that even Obi-Wan cannot be trusted; and even, at times, that Padmé will stop loving him and leave him.

He knew, deep in his guts, that something had happened to her. An accident, or she was sick, or she’d been caught in one of the vast number of buildings hit by debris from the battle today... She might be trapped somewhere right now, might be wounded, might be smothering, calling out his name, might be feeling the approach of flames- [...] He could barely breathe. He couldn’t make himself even think it. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking it. Had something changed? For her? In how she felt?

“Is Master Windu turning everyone against me? [...] It has to do with them all being against me. They always have been - most of them didn’t even want me to be a Jedi.” -- Revenge of the Sith novelization

His biggest triggers for these episodes are often related to his prophetic nightmares, but also in any reminder or flashback of his trauma and fear of losing the people he loves.

---

Conclusion Anakin Skywalker is a fascinating and complex character for so many reasons, and many people are intrigued by his story because of it. Many of those are people who also have neurodivergencies or other disabilities, and that’s why - even if these headcanons are simply that, and probably won’t ever be verified - sharing with each other the ways we see ourselves in characters is both important, but also fun.

Whether you can see this headcanon for Anakin, have one for a similar/co-morbid disorder (such as mood disorders, PTSD, ADHD, etc), or none of the above, I hope you at least enjoyed the read. It was certainly pretty text heavy, so I thank you for getting this far.

If you enjoyed this and have your own thoughts, feel free to share! I’d love to chat if you have any questions, want to make fun of this Literal Human Disaster(tm), or if you have your own headcanons you want to talk about.

I certainly have many more thoughts on this - how it could relate to his decisions/actions, more examples (especially since I only used the bare minimum), more BPD behaviours, even theories about how maybe the Force could have played into it, etc. Hopefully I’ll get better at writing these out if I ever get around to sharing them.

Ultimately though, at the end of the day, we all just want to have fun, and bond over stories that mean a lot to us one way or another. Thank you again for your time; it means a lot.

---

SOURCES:

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace   dir. George Lucas. Lucasfilm Ltd, 1999   novelization by Terry Brooks

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones   dir. George Lucas. Lucasfilm Ltd, 2002   novelization by R.A. Salvatore

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith   dir. George Lucas. Lucasfilm Ltd, 2005   novelization by Matthew Stover

Borderline Personality Disorder   National Alliance on Mental Illness

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, 2013   American Psychiatric Association

Diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder   by Robert S. Biskin, MD & Joel Paris, MD   National Center for Biotechnology Information

Dissociation and Dissociative Disorders   Mental Health America

Paranoia and Delusional Disorders   Mental Health America

Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder   by Marsha M. Linehan

My own personal experiences

FURTHER READING:

shitborderlinesdo on tumblr has an extensive FAQ (p1, p2) which you may find useful, although most of the posts are from about four years ago

anything by Marsha M. Linehan is useful, especially her book listed above (download)

the NCBI site has a lot of good articles with even better citations, and the citations can be read through sci-hub.

[shireness-says]

Playing the Part ch. 2: Getting to Know You

Summary:  As a stage manager who's clawed her way up from bottom, Emma Swan can handle just about anything thrown her way. But does that include handsome lead actor Killian Jones? A CS Broadway AU. Rated T. Also on AO3. Prologue  Ch. 1

A/N: We’re back, with my favorite Jones Brothers conversation I’ve written so far and a great Captain Swan bonding moment! Chapter title from “The King and I”.

Thanks, as always, to @snidgetsafan, my phenomenal beta. She’s the absolute best.

A disclaimer:  This chapter addresses Belle's backstory, which is... less than pleasant. Nothing so bad that there need to be archive warnings, but power dynamics were definitely taken advantage of. I want to make it clear that I'm not condoning what's happened to her, and I've tried to express that in the actual writing, but I just want to reiterate it here. Just because it happened, doesn't mean I'm ok with it, or that you have to be either.

That being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter anyway!

Tags: @kmomof4, @winterbaby89, @thejollyroger-writer, @mythologicalmango, @onceuponaprincessworld, @idristardis, @teamhook, @courtorderedcake, @aerica13, @revanmeetra87, @snowbellewells, @searchingwardrobes

“... but not handsome enough to tempt me.”

God, he hates that line. Yes, it’s from the source material, and yes, it is crucial to the plot, but he always feels like an absolute dick saying it. Belle is an absolutely lovely woman, inside and out, and doesn’t deserve to hear those words directed her way, even in character.

He’s actually apologized for the way he’s acted before in character, had felt like he had to. Belle, bless her heart, laughed and waved off his apologies.

“For the record, I can tell the difference between you and your character, Killian,” she had said. “Please don’t worry about it.”

But he worries anyways. Part of it is just his nature, Killian supposes - he’s a man with a heart built for concern and mild anxiety, it seems. But Belle really does seem rather isolated, and he hates to reinforce that even in character.

He’s heard the rumors, of course - the industry is smaller than they’d like to pretend, and when word made it around that Belle French had been cast in the iconic role of Elizabeth Bennet, old gossip about the woman had made the rounds again too. It’s a horrible story, predictable in all the worst ways: young, up-and-coming actress embarks on a relationship with an older producer. Actress decides that the relationship has run its course. Actress is suddenly, mysteriously branded as “difficult to work with” and struggles to land roles.

Meeting Belle in person, it’s particularly absurd. She’s ridiculously talented and probably one of the nicest and least difficult people he knows and really, it’s not fair. There’s been an increase in accountability in this industry lately, something that’s desperately needed, but the lawyers are still focused on the things they can prosecute - obvious cases of assault and manipulation. Belle’s circumstances don’t clearly fit either of those criteria, having willingly engaged in the relationship, one she thought was based on mutual respect and affection. It doesn’t help that Gold is a major player in this game, able to affect people’s opinions for better or worse with his word alone. For the past several years, Belle’s just been left to flounder on her own with her professional reputation wrongly in tatters. For the moment, no one cares. It’s all so disgustingly unfair.

Personally, Killian thinks Belle deserves the world. He hopes this show is a massive success for a variety of reasons - selfish ones obviously included - but not the least of them is the hope that it’ll reshape the current narrative around Belle, show that she’s talented and kind and an absolute delight. She needs that. She deserves that.

Belle tells him about it herself one day over a cup of tea during one of the rehearsal breaks. He didn’t ask, not explicitly, but she must sense the confusion in his eyes and in his mind about how someone with so much sheer raw talent has been cast aside by the industry.

“He was such a gentleman at first, you know? Yeah, I was getting roles, and probably part of that was because I was seeing him, but I genuinely loved him, and him me. I knew he had a reputation for being tough and focused on success above everything else, but he always encouraged me, and was so happy when I landed roles and was doing well. So when I felt the relationship had come to a natural end, I just figured…” She pauses in her recounting, hurriedly wiping at the tears forming in her eyes. Killian tries to comfort her as best he can, digging one-handed through his pockets for a tissue as he tries to rub her back soothingly with the other. He feels so useless, so male in this situation, but he’s still determined to help and comfort her in any way he can.

“I feel so stupid some days,” Belle continues, gratefully accepting the single kleenex he was able to locate in an inner jacket pocket (and God, he hopes it wasn’t used). “I just… I should have known right away he was insane.”

Killian likes to think he’s a good friend, and a good man, but he’s also a kid who grew up in theaters and around theatre kids, and as he does his best to reassure his scene partner that she’s in no way responsible for the actions of that bastard, he has to forcibly remind himself not to smile at such a bad time at her unintentional quoting.

The stage manager, Emma, is walking past at just that moment, though, and he’s pretty sure he hears her mutter the next words under her breath, so he’s comforted by the knowledge that he’s not the only one with terrible timing and a bad sense of humor.

But again, it’s not the time to ask about it. Killian is 100% focused and committed to being a supportive friend to Belle in this moment - he’ll have to ask later. Preferably out of earshot, before they both get a reputation for being horrible human beings who laugh at unfortunate times.

But there’s never really a chance to ask later - their short break is up before he knows it, and then it’s straight back into choreography. Their choreographer, a vibrant redhead named Ariel, may have a sweet demeanor, but there’s a spine of steel underneath that smile, and Killian knows better than to dawdle. He’ll catch Emma later, he thinks, some time when he’s not needed. But even in those moments when Killian doesn’t strictly need to be doing anything but hang around and watch, waiting for his next instructions and ideally reviewing the script (it’s never too soon to be off book, after all), Swan is invariably still busy.

So Killian waits. The opportunity will present itself, he’s sure.

------

It’s been a good day, Emma is pleased to note. The sheer potential of this show is truly shaping up into something that, with plenty of polishing, just might be magnificent. There’s always going to be issues - after working so many shows, Emma has learned that off-stage drama is an inevitability - but for the most part, even the cast is obliging her by staying professional and getting along. Which is literally all she asks for. Zelena has a definite penchant to complain about anything and everything, but it’s not yet at a point that they can’t handle or that needs addressing.

Still, even a good day is exhausting in it’s own way. Emma is ready to make whatever calls are necessary (just Robin and the props guy today, she thinks), and get home. Yeah, the apartment will be quiet with Henry at Neal’s for Labor Day weekend, but she could probably use a little quiet - a chance to recharge, if you will.

However, that chance disintegrates at the sight of Mary Margaret approaching with a smile full of intent. For all her sweetness, Emma’s learned that her friend can be stubborn and determined, nigh on unmovable when she wants to be, and all the signs are suggesting this will be one of those times.

“Emma!” the petite brunette practically chirps. “It’s been so long since we’ve had a Girl’s Night, hasn’t it?”

It’s not a subtle opening at all, and Emma spots where Mary Margaret is going with this from a mile away. “Oh, I don’t know,” she tries to deflect, hoping against hope that maybe she can still wheedle herself out of these plans. “Seems like we all did something only a few weeks ago —”

“Don’t be silly,” Mary Margaret interrupts, flippantly waving a hand as if to literally shoo Emma’s protests away. “You’re thinking of that brunch date we had, the one Henry came to. It’s been ages since we had a proper Girls’ Night. And since Henry’s gone this weekend, really, there’s no better time!”

“I don’t know,” Emma tries to protest. “I’ve really got a lot that still needs doing, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it.” It’s not true in the least. The best part about a good day is that even when she is left with things on her to-do list, they’re quick little housekeeping bits, not major crises she needs to untangle. Unfortunately, after a decade of friendship, Mary Margaret knows that too, and fixes her with an unimpressed look.

“Uh uh,” she responds, shaking her head with finality. “No excuses. I’m going to find Ruby, and we are going out. I won’t let you sit at home all lonely with Henry gone. You’re not getting out of this, Emma Swan.”

Much as Emma hates to admit it - hates to admit defeat in general, really - she’s well aware that she really isn’t going to be able to weasel her way out of this. When Mary Margaret gets that look in her eye and that tone in her voice, nothing can sway her from whatever evil plan she’s devised. For better or worse, Emma will be going out tonight. She only hopes it won’t be too miserable an outing. “Fine,” she concedes, holding up a hand to silence Mary Margaret’s happy squeal. “But I am not lonely. And only for a little bit.”

“Oh Emma, we’re going to have so much fun!” her friend gushes, seemingly ignoring the end of Emma’s sentence. “I’ll call Ruby right now, have her meet us at the Grey Lady. Oh! I wonder if Belle would want to go!”

Emma groans as her dreams of a quiet evening in drift further and further away with every expansion of Mary Margaret’s plans. The likelihood of fun seems pretty small right now; Emma settles for just hoping she’ll make it out of this alive and sans hangover.

------

It’s been a long day, but a rewarding one. His script is filled with new notes, he finally isn’t tripping over the rhythms of the proposal scene song, and his feet are tired from practicing ballroom steps over and over again. It’s a pattern he’s getting used to, day by day, but the fact still remains; it’s exhausting.

Killian is just planning to finally go talk to their fearless stage manager, see if she said what he’s 87.9% certain he heard and hopefully trudge home when Nolan practically corners him, effectively ending that plan.

“You’ve got to come out tonight,” David whispers frantically, hunched over in a way that he must think looks surreptitious, but in reality just looks awkward and uncomfortable.

“Ok…” Killian whispers back. “Why?”

“Because I just heard that Mary Margaret is going to be at the Grey Lady tonight with a group of friends!”

“...okay, and?”

“And I like her!” David hisses, seemingly insulted for no apparent reason.

“Calm down, mate, jeez. What, you need an excuse to go, rather than just showing up?”

“Yes!”

“Do I have to whisper the entire night?”

This is apparently the last of David’s patience, as he rolls his eyes and snaps out a response. “For God’s sakes, no. Now will you come with me, or not?”

It’d really be mean at this point, after all the teasing, to tell him no. Killian doesn’t really have plans anyways; he’d tentatively scheduled a call with Liam, but they can always talk later and text throughout the night.

“Alright, Dave, I’ll go with you. Where’s this place at?”

“... About that…”

Excellent.

------

Only for a little bit, she had told Mary Margaret. And she had meant it; despite all her friend’s wheedling about how she’d be lonely at home with Henry at Neal’s, Emma had been looking forward to a quiet evening. Of course, that’s all wishful thinking.

Belle had been interested in joining the outing, as had Elsa, as had their Lydia and three of the chorus girls since it seemed like Mary Margaret had invited every female member of the cast. The Grey Lady has been reduced to a cacophony of female laughter and conversation as Emma desperately tries to either escape or ignore the chaos, both efforts to no avail. For the moment, Emma’s perched at the end of the bar with Elsa trying to cheer her up, purple drink in hand (a Grateful Dead, because “you can’t just get whiskey, Emma, this is Girls’ Night, you have to get something fun.” Ugh.).

“I know you don’t want to be here in the least,” Elsa tries to cajole, “but hey, as long as you’re here, you might as well make the most of it. We can play a game of darts or something if you want, that’d at least get you out of the major crush here at the bar.”

She means so well, trying to coax Emma out of the corner and out of her funk, but honestly, Emma’s quite determined to stay exactly as she is. “It’s really fine, Elsa,” she replies. “Honestly, I’m just hoping that if I sit here and don’t move for long enough, Mary Margaret will forget that I’m here and maybe I can just slip out.”

Elsa snorts at that, which is really enough of a response on its own. “Yeah, good luck with that.” Her face still turns concerned and serious when the humor wears off as she does her best to fuss over Emma. “Are you sure? I’m happy to stay with you if you want, but if you don’t…” Elsa trails off tellingly. Emma honestly feels a little bit bad. For all her introversion, Elsa really does enjoy evenings out like this when she sets her mind to it, and Emma is effectively holding her back from having fun by insisting on being a sad sack at the bar.

“Really, Elsa, I’m fine. Go have fun! It looks like they’re starting some kind of drinking game up over there, that’ll certainly be entertaining if nothing else.”

Elsa’s eyes dart back towards the other ladies longingly, but her voice and body language is still hesitant. “If you’re sure…”

“Yes! I’ll be fine. Don’t let my attitude ruin the night, I’m happy enough with my stupid purple drink. You know I like watching drinking games more than playing anyways. Go!”

“Alright, but you’ll let me know if you change your mind and want company, right?” Elsa fusses as she grabs her drink and stands to leave. It’s a small progress. Emma nods impatiently, all but ready to push Elsa towards the other women. It must be obvious on her face though, as Elsa laughs before dropping an affectionate kiss on the side of Emma’s head. “Ok, ok, I’m gone. Do try to have fun, Emma, just find someone to talk to for ten minutes. And don’t drink too much, because I’m going to need you to lead me back home!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Emma mutters in response. She makes no promises, especially on the socializing front.

———

The bar is much busier than Killian had expected when he, David, and Booth arrive. Killian isn’t exactly sure how the last man got invited; he certainly didn’t have any part in it. August Booth is a genial enough man, however, a perfect casting for Colonel Fitzwilliam in temperament, so his presence tonight won’t be any true hardship. If Killian had to hazard a guess, David had probably invited him for more credence to his cover story that he just happens to be at the same bar as the lady he’s interested in on some sort of boys’ night outing. It seems that the ladies’ outing may have expanded as well; while Killian had expected to see Mary Margaret and Swan, it appears half the female cast is crowded into the bar as well, Mary Margaret unsurprisingly at the center of everything, playing hostess even though the bar is obviously not her house. It doesn’t take long for her to notice their own little group’s entrance, and she hurries over with a wide smile.

“David! Killian! August! What a pleasant surprise!” she gushes. Killian is amused to see that her cheeks are ever-so-slightly flushed. Perhaps David’s little crush isn’t quite so ridiculous as he seems to think. David himself looks a little struck by his lady’s entrance, so Killian quickly takes the reins of the conversation.

“Aye, it truly is. Thought we’d go out tonight, have a bit of a bonding exercise. You don’t mind that we’re here, do you? We didn’t mean to crash whatever you’ve got going on here.” It’s a blatant lie, but Killian is counting on the brunette being too flustered by their - well, David’s sudden appearance to notice.

It seems to be working, thankfully, as Mary Margaret smiles brightly. “Of course not! We planned this as a little Girls’ Night, but you’re more than welcome to stay and socialize! The more the merrier, right?”

It’s impossible not to like the woman, really. While she’s far too perky for Killian to ever be romantically interested, Mary Margaret is such a deeply kind and pleasant person that only the truly cruel would ever take a dislike to her. “Aye, thank you.”

“Is that some sort of drinking game I see about to start?” August cuts in, likely saving them all from an encounter quickly veering towards the awkward and overly sincere.

“I think it’s more of a contest, knowing Ruby,” their quasi-host laughs, “but yes, they’re about to start. A bit wild for me, so I was about to go get another cosmo. David, Killian? Do either of you want to join me?” The invitation is technically extended to both of them, but Killian sees the way her gaze keeps focusing on David, hears the way her voice pitches up hopefully, and quickly makes his excuses.

“I actually think I might grab a beer and try my hand at the dart board, so I’ll leave you two to it.” It’s probably not the most subtle move, but David’s already shooting him a grateful look, so he supposes that his words have been effective enough.

It’s as he’s walking further down the bar to get his drink that he spots Swan in the corner, where he hadn’t noticed her when he had entered the bar, wearing a sour look on her face and sipping on something in a near fluorescent purple. Somehow, he’s not surprised to see her set apart from the thick of things; their straight-laced stage manager doesn’t seem like she’d be particularly comfortable in a chattering crowd of women. It may be taking his life in his hands considering the look Swan has on her face, but he veers to join her at the end of the bar, more enthusiastic about the prospect of spending his time chatting with her than facing the female crush everywhere else.

The skeptical look Swan shoots him as he saunters over with a charming smile should be his second warning, but Killian’s never had much of a self-preservation instinct anyways. “Fancy meeting you here,” he grins.

Swan snorts in return. “Oh, that’s what you’re going with?”

“I couldn’t possibly know what you mean.” It’s another blatant lie, and unlike Mary Margaret, Killian can see that Swan knows exactly why he’s really doing in this bar, sees right past all his and David’s excuses.

“Oh please,” Swan replies, rolling her eyes and confirming what he had expected about her ability to spot his lies. “Like you guys showing up isn’t a blatant excuse for David to flirt with Mary Margaret. The only reason she doesn’t realize it is she’s so damn smitten herself. It’s a little disgusting.”

“You wound me, Swan. It’s an absolute coincidence that we happen to be at the same bar.” Receiving a final unamused look, he collapses onto a stool, giving up the pretense. “They really are smitten, aren’t they? And absolutely obtuse about the matter.”

“Really, they are,” Swan grumbles in return. “Like, it’s so obvious they’ve got a thing for each other, I’m about ready to start placing bets about how long it will take.”

Killian chuckles. “Well, let me know if you ever do, I’d be happy to contribute to the pot.” There’s silence between them for a few minutes as Killian orders his beer, turning back to his companion once his cold drink is in hand. “I can leave you alone if you’d prefer,” he offers, noting the stormy look still occupying her face. “Conversation with you seemed much less intimidating than with the chattering female masses over there, but if you prefer —”

“It’s fine, really,” she waves him off. “I’m just…” she pauses, as if trying to find the words to explain.

“Really Swan, I don’t need an explanation if you don’t —”

“Did you know I have a son?” she interrupts.

It’s news to him. It does explain why he so often catches her trying to surreptitiously check her phone - probably trying to make sure nothing’s wrong with her boy. As he shakes his head in the negative, Emma continues.

“Well, I do. He’s ten. He’s with his dad this weekend. And I’m glad he’s excited about that, but it always makes me…” She waves at her face and its expression, as if that’s an acceptable substitute for actually finishing her sentence with words. Honestly, she’s not wrong on that front, her irritated expression speaking volumes. “So it’s not you, and it’s not the company, and it’s not this outing or party or whatever.” She pauses. “Ok, maybe the last one, but that’s because I’d much rather be at home angrily drinking by myself than being dragged out on the town. But Mary Margaret and Ruby are convinced that if I’m at home, I’ll be wallowing in loneliness, so they dragged me out here against my will.” Another eye roll clearly illustrates Swan’s own thoughts on the matter, and Killian finds himself inexplicably charmed by the gesture. The more he learns and sees of Emma Swan, the more he’s fascinated by her, and he’s glad she hasn’t just unceremoniously sent him on his way tonight.

“Ah, well, that makes two of us,” Killian replies genially, before immediately backtracking. “Not the son bit, but the not particularly wanting to be here. I’d planned to go home and call my brother tonight, but David practically begged me to help in this little farce and… well, long story short, here I am.”

“Here we both are.” She raises her glass to his in a short salute to the unenthusiastic and unwilling.

After taking a swig of his beer, Killian sets his glass back down and turns to Emma with purpose. “It’s not all bad, really. I’ve been trying to find a moment to speak with you all day.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows raise in curiosity and confusion as she raises her own glass to take another sip of her purple monstrosity. Based on the way her mouth puckers as the alcohol hits her tongue, he thinks she might feel the same way about her beverage.

“Well, you see, I thought I heard you quoting a certain musical earlier…��

Swan immediately groans, her head dropping as if in resignation or defeat. Killian is confident that the only thing keeping her from banging her head on the counter is her folded arms braced against the worn and stained wood. “I was hoping no one heard that.”

“‘This is my husband, we’re from Maine’? I’m impressed by your Sondheim knowledge, Swan, but your timing needs work.”

“I know, I know. It’s… Henry and I have this game, you see, where we try to slip in lyrics without the other knowing. He actually knows a lot, just by virtue of being my kid and practically being raised in theaters. So when I heard Belle, I wasn’t trying to turn it into a joke or something awful like that, it was just… a reflex, I guess.”

“Second nature,” Killian nods in return. “I’m not holding it against you, love, a man just doesn’t expect to hear Assassins quotes tossed around willy-nilly.”

“Thanks.” Catching the bartender’s attention, she holds up her glass in the universal sign for ‘more, please’. “For the record, I’m impressed you caught that. Assassins is pretty much at the top of my list of shows to see, but not everyone knows about it.”

“You can blame my brother for that,” Killian chuckles. “After I decided to become a theatre actor, he decided I needed a full history of the genre. Except the tosser knows next to nothing about musicals and can’t sing a note, so it was mostly just him telling me a lot of Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber facts. Which means I know a disproportionate amount about Cats and Into the Woods. Assassins was at least a more enjoyable entry in his so-called education.”

The story at least gets her to laugh, displacing that foul look she’s been wearing for a moment. “Your brother sounds like a handful. I mean, it sounds like he means well, but wow.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Killian grumbles, eliciting another laugh from his companion. He could get used to that sound, given the chance. “But enough about that wanker. What would you say to a game of pool, Swan?”

Her answering grin is acceptance and challenge, all at once. “Oh, you’re on, Jones.”

———

It’s late when Killian finally calls Liam; he’s not rightfully sure how late, a series of beers, and later glasses of rum, blurring his perception of time, but he knows it’s far past a respectable hour. The only saving grace is that his older brother is currently out in Los Angeles, three hours behind Killian’s local time. Perhaps that will do something to make up for the perceived lateness of the hour.

“Hello?” sounds Liam’s voice from the other end of the line, and Killian is relieved to hear that his brother’s voice is the normal kind of tired, not the just-woken-up kind. Killian may be a bit drunk, but he’s not so far gone that he can’t tell the difference.

“Brother!” he practically chirps in response. “I know it’s late, but I promised I’d call, didn’t I?”

The chuckle from the other end of the line is warm, if exhausted. “Aye, that you did. Tell me, Killy, how much have you had to drink? Are you ok to find your way home?”

“Oh, a good bit. I’ll be fine.” Liam definitely can’t see the dismissive wave of Killian’s hand, but that doesn’t stop him in the least, his impulse control and logic severely compromised. “David convinced me to come out. Have I told you about Dave, Liam? Dave’s a good mate.”

“Aye, you have. I might have to have a few words with Dave if this is going to become a regular occurence. It’s after 11, Killian, which is even later for you.”

“Oh, don’t scold Dave. I didn’t even spend most of the night with him, I spent it with Swan! I’ve talked about Swan before, haven’t I, Liam?” Oh, he really ought to have talked about Swan before. It’d be a utter shame if he hadn’t - he just can’t properly remember right now.

“Are you making friends with birds, Killy?” Liam’s voice is amused, but Killian is less so upon hearing his older brother’s response.

“Don’t be daft, Liam,” he all but snaps. “No, Swan is the stage manager. I must have told you about her.”

The voice on the other end of the line hums as if in realization. “Ah, the one you’re so fascinated with?”

Even with his delayed responses, Killian can feel himself blush. “I’m not fascinated, Liam,” he explains in what he thinks is a perfectly level and reasoned tone of voice, slightly slurred words be damned. “She’s just a very nice lady. And talented. And lovely too.” The humming noise comes from the other end of the line again, causing Killian to adopt a defensive tone. “I don’t have a crush on her Liam, stop that.”

“I never said you did,” Liam says with amusement coloring his voice. Killian can just imagine the placating hand he must be raising to calm his younger brother back down.

“She’s just very good at her job,” Killian tries to explain. “I admire her.”

“Of course you do,” Liam replies soothingly. “And I know you don’t have any feelings for her, but just in case, tread carefully, alright? It’s not a particularly good idea to get involved with people you’re working closely with.”

“I will be,” Killian dutifully says, before hastening to add, “But it won’t be necessary, Liam. She’s just a friend.”

“Whatever you say, Killian,” Liam placates. “Call me in the morning when the alcohol wears off, aye? I’ll talk to you later.”

“Aye, brother, tomorrow.” There’s the usual exchange of affections to close out the call, and then Killian’s left to his own thoughts again, and still needing to find his way home.

Liam can say all he wants, but no matter how fascinating Killian finds Emma Swan, it’s nothing more than a platonic interest. Even if she is lovely and interesting and brilliant and absolutely someone he could have romantic feelings for.

———

It’s such a cliche to say that their interactions at the bar are the beginning of a beautiful friendship, but Emma thinks she and Jones - Killian, she could probably call him now - might be on their way there. Killian is easy to talk to, charming, funny, and apparently willing to participate in ridiculous romantic schemes in service of a friend. The professional part of Emma feels victorious that they apparently cast the perfect man to play their Mr. Darcy; the rest of her is left just wondering how he’s real. The man acts like something out of one of Mary Margaret’s awful romantic comedies, and Emma’s not sure what to do about it.

It doesn’t help that he seems especially determined to be a gentleman towards Emma in particular. He already does all the door holding and ‘ladies first’ nonsense, but he’s taken to helping Emma collect all the various and sundry things she lends out from her supply box over the course of a day and bringing her hot chocolate in the mornings. She’s not even sure how he knows about the hot chocolate thing; who knows, maybe she told him herself that night at the bar. Emma does get chatty when she gets tipsy, even if she doesn’t like to admit it. Regardless, he’s even figured out that she likes cinnamon on top, and presents the to-go cups each morning with a smile that is much brighter than Emma is properly prepared to see before noon.

They’re friends now, she supposes. That’s what Emma’s willing to admit to at least. Sure, she can easily see how that friendship could turn into something more if they both let it, but they work together. It would be such a bad idea - if not downright disastrous. Friendship is safe; friendship is something they can both handle. There’s absolutely no attraction and no feelings on either side.

Emma only hopes that if she repeats that mantra enough, the words will actually stay true.

[v-le]

NU’EST IN PRODUCE 101: Afterthoughts

Please check out my original post from the beginning of the season.

Welp. It took me a while to finally get around to watching the finale of this whirlwind of a season, but I did it! Going back to where my entire discussion came from, let us talk NU’EST.

Throughout the season, these boys have made me feel extremely proud. Admittedly, they had a rocky start, but their presence as the “hyungs” in this medley of trainees grew prominent and was well established by the middle of the season.

Notable achievements/moments vary from Jonghyun reaching 1st place in the season’s latter half, Dongho being renowned as “Sexy Bandit”, Seonho from CUBE & Minhyun’s budding relationship, and Minki’s countless hair color changes AHA.

Personal fave moments:

I legit started bawling during Jonhyun’s rap in Fear.

Dongho’s iconic Boy in Luv intro dance.

When the Super Hot members were choosing a center, after Minki tries his turn, Daehwi legit just starts seal clapping and yells “LADY GAGA!!” LOL.

Dongho + Daehwi interactions.

Dongho’s also iconic “wau megaton baumb”

Minki as captain bunny.

Each time a fellow trainee swooned over how good looking Minhyun is.

Dongho channeling his inner variety-dol skills & winning the punching king thingy by 1 point ahaha.

MINHYUN’S ICONIC AUDITION DANCE o lord that booty shake tho.

And honestly... Dongho’s performance in Open Up completely blew me away. He did sooooo well as the main vocalist, and I prayed to the heavens for him to be first in the concept evaluation and finally have his chance at stardom like he deserves, but.... sigh.

One thing that I found particularly intriguing throughout the program was Minki’s very real lack of popularity in comparison to the other members, when during actual NU’EST promos, he always seemed to the most popular and talked about. During these weeks on p101, not only was he always several ranks below the rest of them, but I also felt like he was never properly given the chance to showcase his skills and personality. I know for a fact that he has great vocal potential, and his flamboyant attitude, is well, just something else. A hidden gem that we never really got to see. I would consider Minki’s minimal presence one of the most regrettable things that happened for NU’EST this season.

However, of course, Minki’s lackluster performance is only second to the real atrophy that befell in the finale. Jonghyun’s final 14th place ranking. and Dongho’s 13th. I think many of us went into the finale having hope for Dongho, but not necessarily expectation, since his popularity fluctuated countless times.

But Jonghyun’s letdown was unimaginable.

Yes, it is true, Jonghyun, the leader of each and every single group he was ever a part of in Produce 101, the #1 ranked rapper in the position evaluation, the one who always selflessly gave himself shit lines so that the others could have more screentime and time to shine, the guy who took responsibility for others’ laziness and lack of skill, the man who placed first in week 7 and rose above even the most popular of popular members, placed 14th in the end. Not even 12th. Just 14. If that isn’t betrayal to a heart & soul that gave away all their might, I don’t know what is.

I watched BoA’s face as she read the card. I saw her mixed expression of pain, confusion, and disappointment. When his name was called, I could feel my face go numb and my heart stop just for a little bit. I could feel tears welling, but nothing fell. I watched on. It was as if the entire crowd gasped in unison. Cheetah, Seokhoon, and Yumi were clearly taken aback, their mouths hanging open. Fellow Pledis artists Nayoung & Kyulkyung were in absolute shock, dropping their heads and looking dejected.

And Jonghyun simply stood there, continuously clapping, with a smile on his face. Nothing more. Just a genuine smile. literally the most selfless bastard i have ever seen, and it hurts.

Remember everyone’s faces. Remember Jonghyun’s face. Remember the feeling you felt. And transfer that immense ball of emotions into hope for NU’EST’s future.

To be completely honest, Jonghyun not being a part of the top 11 has been tearing me up inside. It hurts to think of how much he has given up, how authentic his talent, dedication, and compassion was. It hurts to think how all of that still doesn’t give you enough fan power to make it through. Before I delve into all the positives that this implies for NU’EST, and while all points are valid, I want to make it clear that it doesn’t mean that this blow will continue to sting any less.

However, it is true, that Jonghyun’s, and Dongho’s & Minki’s, missing out on participation in Wanna One will only boost NU’EST to greater heights than ever before. Or at least that’s what I hope. One can only wish, right? Now that everyone has watched them grow through this show, I am almost certain that there is an ever larger following of support behind NU’EST than before. The fact that “여보세요(Hello)” is charting better than the P101 songs themselves speaks volumes. I haven’t seen a soul on the internet that doesn’t agree that Jonghyun should have been in the top 11. A NU’EST comeback is already in preparation.

And so, with this bittersweet renewal of NU’EST, once again, all I can say is that we must shower these boys with love. We saw why they came onto P101. We saw what happened in the end. And now, it is our turn to help them reach that level of success that they have been so desperately chasing for all these years.

Which, may I add, will forever be a vague and incomprehensible concept to me, because I never once saw them as failures either. It not only drove me crazy, but also confused me, when they kept calling themselves this. I don’t care about sales or numbers, because that isn’t my definition of success or failure. The fact that these boys are alive and whole, still doing music, is already success in itself. But of course, kpop only comes down to the money at the end of the day....

It hurts even more to think that NU’EST won’t be a whole group for the next 1.5 years, but I only hope for happiness. A 4-member NU’EST is better than no NU’EST at all. I will gladly wait, for the day when we can see all five of them on stage together once again.

And congrats! To Minhyun, for proudly being the sole representative of NU’EST in Wanna One. Thank you NU’EST, for your outstanding performance on P101. 꽃길만 걸어.

If there is one last thing I can leave with you all as I wrap up my box of feelings for this season, just always remember.

NU’EST deserves the world.

[inkwellco]

FOCUS ON... SIMONE SAULT

Australian Simone Sault, star of stage and screen, has taken time out on her return home to Australia to chat with us.

Hi Simone, how’s your visit home been? Beautiful thank you. It’s always glorious coming back and seeing my family and friends here in Australia. Plus the sunshine is what I bottle up and take back to the UK, especially this time of year!

You’ve had quite a career. Can you tell us a bit about your earlier life, both in what drove you to choose dance, and the training you completed? I studied classical ballet from the age of 7yrs at the National Theatre Ballet School. I was blessed to have been taught by wonderful artists and teachers, including the late Kathy Gorham, Gailene Stock, Eileen Tasker,  Jonathan Kelly, Joanne Michel, Terese Power, all incredible dancers with Australian Ballet at the time. I trained daily and after leaving school at 14yrs old (I know!) I studied dance, still at the National, full time for 3 years before entering the professional world. As clichéd as it sounds, I don't recall a time where I didn’t want to dance. It just clicked, even at 7yrs old, it felt like breathing.

And you worked quite a bit in Australia with the Sydney Dance Company, what was that like, and how did that help set the foundation for working overseas? I adored my time with Sydney Dance Company (SDC). I had come from the Australian production of Phantom Of The Opera, back into the dance world (what I had trained for) and I was so consumed by my work, tours, and opportunities that I soaked it up daily for the 7 yrs I was there. My work with SDC was unique in the fact that, under the direction of Graeme Murphy and Janet Vernon at the time, it was a classically based contemporary Company, but with a strong emphasis on the actor/character /personality side of each member. Graeme is wonderful at extracting from you what only YOU can bring to a piece/role with the movement almost seeming secondary. I have always loved the storytelling side to a role. With this in mind, my experience with the Company aided me to continue to pursue my career overseas as I just didn’t have an agenda, I literally landed here in the UK and made a promise to myself, to say yes to any and all opportunities that came my way. Ones that assisted me in furthering my development as an artist…dancer, actor, collaborater, creative. A pact that, thus far, has held me in good stead. -Touch wood-

How do the two compare? Working in Australia versus working overseas? It’s really hard to compare the two I feel. Something I have always said is, I believe the training in Australia is second to none. However the opportunities are not always there, or indeed as plentiful as they are here in London and New York for example. Hence why I feel very lucky to have the best of both worlds, be an Aussie and take the rest of the world for everything it’s got! London has been so very good to me. There’s not a day that passes where I don't feel humbled, and above all grateful for the jobs and in particular the talent that I work with and for.

You’ve been involved in some major productions, including Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, Sinatra and On The Town, productions one can only hope to be involved in. How do you go about preparing for roles, and how do you approach each audition? Auditions are never easy, nor that enjoyable if I'm going to be honest! Why do we do it to ourselves?! It’s taken me a while to figure it out, but I do honestly believe that if the job/role is meant to come your way, it will, good audition or not. The best advice, the only advice actually is, BE yourself. Prepare of course, but just trust in what will be will be. I find that takes a lot of the stress out it. And what has always been the case for me is, if I have missed out on something I really wanted, something else from left field always shows up and I think, “thank God I didn’t get so and so because NOW I’m doing this!”

You’re also quite an accomplished choreographer, with credits including: Love Never Dies, Strictly Come Dancing and the London Olympic Games ceremonies, what a diverse range of opportunities, what were some of the standout moments from each? Oh wow, yes, I feel very lucky to be working for Graeme and Janet once again (original Choreographers of Love Never Dies) and working for someone like Danny Boyle for the London 2012 Games was rather surreal I must say. Opening Ceremony with the World watching was as good as it gets I think! That is definitely a highlight, he was/is extraordinary. I love working creatively as it continues to open my eyes to a craft that I have been involved in for a long time now, yet at times, depending on what I’m working on and who with, I feel like the student all over again… keeps you fresh!

We’ve also seen you venture on to screen, both TV and Film. Can you tell us a bit about your work on Alice in Wonderland, particularly working with Director Tim Burton, whom you’ve previously worked with on Sweeney Todd? Other credits of yours include work on Rob Marshall’s Nine, Kath and Kimderella and the TV show Galavant. That’s quite a range of diverse productions, how did you prepare for these varying roles? Tim Burton is exactly how you think he would be, brilliantly colourful and a real visionary. A gorgeous woman by the name of Francesca Jaynes choreographs nearly all of his movies, we worked very closely with her as well. With Kath and Kimderella, I had just finished working with the incredibly talented Gina Riley on the Australian production of Chicago when she offered me the role of an Hispanic lesbian that flirts with Magda Zubanski’s character, Sharon Strzelecki… as you do! It was short and sweet but I had an absolute blast. My opportunity to work with Rob Marshall on laying down the rehearsal track “Take It All” for his Nine was another surreal moment, recording it with the legend that is Maury Yeston. Rob Marshall was genuine, honest and very normal, which is always a good thing! Can you tell us how you balance work, and your other amazing role in life, being a mother? Arrr, my [not so] little Luca! He’s everything to me! He has just turned 4 and is incredible in every sense of the word. I was pregnant with Luca right through my time working on London 2012 Olympic Games. By the time we wrapped the Ceremonies I was 8 and a half months pregnant! There would be times where I was still out on the field of play rehearsing until way after 1am of a day, and he’d be kicking and hiccupping away like a trooper. The travel and nomadic lifestyle is all he has ever known, so fortunately for me he is a dream when it comes to travel and new places/work spaces. I worked in Russia for 3 months when he was around 9 months old and there has been a lot of further travel and new environments since then. Luckily he loves the theatre, rehearsal space and music, so, so far so good. I literally feel like I strap him to my back and off we go! Having said that though, he started school in September last year, so this requires a tad more planning and organising around work and travel, but fortunately I have a wonderful friend/ Nanny situation so it works beautifully. We’re about to see you in one of the most highly anticipated films of the year, Beauty and the Beast (BATB). And whilst we know you can’t give too much away, can you tell us what it was like working on set? A little bit about your role and what scenes you were involved in? On Beauty I worked with the choreographer, Anthony Van Laast, and Director Bill Condon. Working on set for over 4 months was a magical experience. We recorded the soundtrack also, so can not wait for it to release! In the early days, Anthony set us a task of filling in our back stories for our characters which then in turn added to our connection with Belle and within the village where we lived. Gaston’s Tavern (with the delicious Luke Evans as Gaston) was a wonderful scene for us all. I have a lovely moment with him…but that’s if it doesn't end up on the cutting room floor!

What was it like working with Director Bill Condon? Bill Condon is a complete class act. Knew our names from day one and just a wonderfully genuine, talented man. So much so, that during the filming of Beauty, I lost my beloved Mum, and had to subsequently leave 2 days early. After shooting wrapped, a few weeks later I received a gorgeous email from him expressing his sadness and thoughts and love. I remember how ecstatic my Mum was when she found out that I got the job, so it goes without saying Beauty is for her. Having worked on stage with a variety of performers from different countries, can you tell us a bit about working with actors and dancers from around the world on the set of BATB? It really is a case of no matter where you're from and /or what gender, there is an unmistakable bond and kinship with the people you work with. And in this case especially with Beauty. The experience and careers of so, so many are hard to fathom. I arrived on set each day so very humbled, privileged and grateful for the day that lay ahead. You knew right from day one that this was/is a very, very special moment in cinematic history.

And from what we’ve seen on social media, what was the experience like bringing the iconic music to life through dance for the big screen? Pure Joy! Anthony and Bill worked so closely together and seemed on the same page, with the same vision…which isn't always the case! The movement and staging happened so naturally, in the tavern scene especially Anthony has created a robust, energetic joyous scene. We all had a ball! Is there anything you can tell us about the film or perhaps one of your favourite moments on set? All of it really, but Gaston’s Tavern is probably my favourite! If you could describe the film in three words, what would they be? 1. Life changing (I know that’s two) 2. Humbling. 3. Magical! What advice do you have for any aspiring performers/creatives? If you want it, go get it. It’s not written anywhere in this world that you can’t have or achieve what your heart desires. Be persistent, be focused, work your butt off, stay disciplined and be nice to everyone, whether they be directors, creatives, behind the scenes, teachers, dressers, anyone and everyone. We all breathe the same air and you are only as good as your last job!  

And finally, what can we expect from you next? Involved in a show I have worked on creatively and its tour to America this year! Any excuse to head back to NY.

Thank you so much for your time Simone. We can’t wait to see you on stage, TV and on screen in 2017! Thank YOU lovely Katerina for your time and bravo. Images courtesy of Simone Sault Instagram

[simplyanecdoche]

It’s been a little over a month since Pepsi released its most recent advertisement starring Kendall Jenner, and so far it has sparked a conversation widely dominated by twitter posts, remixes, memes, and entertainment news sites.

While many news sources have covered Kendall’s response to the controversy and speculated about the source of Kendall’s original excitement to star in a Pepsi commercial – she is the first high-profile model to star in a Pepsi commercial since Cindy Crawford’s iconic role in 1992 – not many sources have discussed the impact of the responses as a whole or just what about the commercial inspired such a viral, passionate response so quickly.

Cindy Crawford 1992 Pepsi Commercial

Individually, the responses to the advertisement seem minimal – it can be easy to miss the issue if you aren’t constantly paying attention to a twitter feed. However, it is important to note that collectively, the different responses expressed through a variety of mediums express an important collective understanding:  the rhetorical message of the Pepsi ad is unacceptable. But why?

  Virality

Before I begin talking about responses to the Pepsi commercial, I would quickly like to define the concept of virality in the media; The term “going viral” refers to an image’s capacity to garner mass attention and spread due to word of mouth or media attention* (For more on the concept of Virality click: here).

A viral phenomenon is made possible by two things:

1. creating an image that is highly desired/admired

2. ensuring that a broad audience has access to the image so it can be redistributed*

The Commercial

Obviously, the goal main of an advertisement posted on the internet is to go viral. In this case, however, the reason the Pepsi ad gained viral attention is not that it was highly desirable or admirable, but rather because it was highly objectionable. It’s undesirable nature, the main reason for the commercial’s virality (apart from the fluidity of the internet), sparked a conversation that has become ongoing thanks to the continuity of content on the internet. If you haven’t seen the commercial for yourself, you can watch it here.

One reason why the Pepsi ad was so objectionable from the beginning is its imagery. The actors in the commercial don’t have lines, which makes the images Pepsi chooses to convey onscreen through characters and action more powerful, noticeable, and meaningful overall.

It’s clear that Pepsi was trying to capitalize on the current socio-political climate in the U.S. (see: The Importance of Kairos), but they definitively “missed the mark”, which they have admitted to in a tweet posted soon after their removal of the video. However, their retraction of the commercial can’t silence the conversation around it, and the important awareness of the commercials failure to convey an accurate representation of protests in the U.S. that the conversation fosters.

  The commercial failed as a rhetorical image in the way that Pepsi had intended it to be for a few reasons. The first reason is that it lacks context and the type of real-world detail that would elicit a positive emotional response in an audience. The characters presented in the commercial are two-dimensional representations of real people; the problem here is that two-dimensional representations is a phrase that is typically synonymous with stereotypes. While I admit that it is difficult to address a myriad of complex characters in less than 3 minutes, it is also true that Pepsi could have taken the time to have fully realized characters that accurately represent the types of people who are actually protesting in the U.S. In fact, if viewers didn’t know any better they might mistake the official video for the satirical SNL skit.

Next, the image of Kendall Jenner as a “white savior” figure is particularly disconcerting. While an assumed Muslim woman on the sidelines takes her photo, Kendall, who joins the protest on whim, saves the day. That fact that Pepsi tries so hard (and fails) to represent the coming together of a variety of different people in this video begs the question: why is Kendall the star of the show? Why not actively show a group effort to solve the problem at hand?

Finally, the commercial lacks a logical argument. The idea of using Pepsi as a catch-all bandage capable of fixing a complex situation like the tense conflict between authorities and protesters during a large protest is undeniably unrealistic. In a sense, the commercial romanticizes the notion of protests and effectively belittles their existence.

    Responses

While there were many outraged responses from people who felt that Pepsi’s commercial was ‘tone deaf’ – for example, the SNL skit and many news sources – two important responses to the commercial came in the form a photo and short caption. The first is a twitter post from MLK Jr’s daughter, Bernice King.

The photo accompanying Bernice’s tweet serves as a powerful rhetorical argument as to why the placement of Kendall Jenner as the “white savior”** in the commercial is a problem. It also addresses the irrational notion of a soda-pop functioning as a peacekeeper.

In addition, one of the most widely circulated responses in the first few days after the release of the commercial was an image of Kendall Jenner juxtaposed with protester Iesha Evans.

While some speculate that the similarity was unintentional, the juxtaposition of the two images still yields a powerful rhetorical message. Whether or not the similarity image was coincidental, it heightens the sense that the imagery that Pepsi chose to include was more offensive than connecting.

Transformations

Following the rhetorical life of this image is an interesting process because it is an image that has been recently introduced into society and it still growing and transforming as new voices enter the conversation. Some of the responses to the video take the form of remixed versions of the original video like this one – inspired by the film They Live – from Flea Market Socialist.

Flee Market Socialist’s remix calls into question the commodification of social movements by Pepsi in order to increase profits.

In addition to the video remixes, there is also a myriad of memes that have popped up since the commercial’s release. Some memes feature imagery from the video in conjunction with another recent, viral social event, while others are simply comments on Pepsi’s failure to catch the ridiculous nature of its commercial’s rhetorical argument.

Below are some of the remixes that are comedic in nature or deal with pop culture:

However, there are also remixes that juxtapose the commercial with currents events in a more serious manner:

The rhetorical message of the remixes as a collective, comedic or serious, seems to be that cans of Pepsi can’t – in all seriousness – fix the world’s problems. This effect is achieved primarily through a unified understanding that the commercial leaves too many gaps and is far too illogical as a whole.

Consequentiality

The term consequentiality refers to the way in which the image in question has influenced society and will continue to influence society for years to come. One of the most obvious and concrete examples of consequentiality as a result of the Pepsi commercial is the examples of real people offering Pepsi to police just to tweet Pepsi to say that it didn’t promote peace. Even more shocking is the examples of protesters pelting police officers with full cans of Pepsi. It remains to be seen whether or not the image will continue to inspire physical consequences as time goes on. However, it will most likely inspire and aid more rhetorical arguments and remixed images.

Echoes of the Past

One of the most striking aspects of the commercial, in my opinion, is its uncanny similarity to Pepsi’s attempt to capitalize on the “Joywar” copyright revolution in the early 2000s.*** During this so-called revolution of artists, Pepsi used the image of the Molotov Man —a Nicaraguan rebel who’s photo was captured by Susan Meiselas in 1981- appropriating it for their own gain amidst the social movement. The similarities in thought as far as employing advertising campaigns that capitalize on social-political climate then and now are interesting, to say the least.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Conclusion

In the spirit of keeping the conversation going, I would like to offer my own transformations of the Kendall-Pepsi commercial inspired in part by the common theme of the remixes above: the splicing of the ad with other political social events. My remixes are also inspired by Pepsi’s previous use of Molotov Man as an advertising campaign.

  Citations

*Gries, Laurie E. Still Life With Rhetoric: A New Materialist Approach for Visual Rhetorics. Logan, Utah State University Press, 2015.

** The term “white savior” as discussed in The White Savior Film by Matthew Hughey

***Garnett, Joy, and Susan Meiselas. “Portfolio: On the Rights of Molotov Man: Appropriation and the Art of Context.” Academia,

Thoughts on Controversial Kendall-Pepsi Advertisement It's been a little over a month since Pepsi released its most recent advertisement starring Kendall Jenner…

[themusicenthusiast]

Thursday, April 12th, 2018 – William Clark Green Kicks Off Lava Cantina’s Red Dirt Thursday Concert Series with a Monumental Performance

Photos by Jordan Buford Photography It was a Thursday night of firsts, including my first visit to Lava Cantina in The Colony. Open for about a year now, it’s one of the latest restaurant/music venue concepts to open in the suburbs of the Dallas area, and it has been attracting a ton of talent to the sizable stage of the outdoor patio area that the place boasts. From high profile names to various up and comers, Lava Cantina has hosted a variety of talent spanning just about every genre imaginable. Upon arriving, it was easy to see why it has become such a hotspot for live performances. Aside from the fact that it’s more convenient to get to for people living in the suburbs, beating having to make that drive to Dallas. The patio is spacious and thanks to the structure it seemed totally secluded from the major highway that it’s adjacent to. It felt like its own little world; and while it can accommodate a significant number of patrons, there was something about the layout of it all that, in terms of the concert experience, allowed it to still feel intimate and personal. More along the lines of what one would expect from a club show. It was just a neat vibe back there; and another first lined up for this night was the start of Lava Cantina’s brand-new concert series, Red Dirt Thursday. Every Thursday night will see a different regional favorite of either the Red Dirt or Texas country variety taking the stage, and they had tapped Texas’ own William Clark Green to kick off the event. It was also Green’s first time to perform in The Colony, and judging by the way things went, it surely won’t be the last.

Texas country music fans turned out in droves, a strong gathering of people showing up early for the opening act, Ross Cooper, though they really began to file in after his set was finished; concertgoers wasting no time in staking out a good spot in front of the stage for Green and his band. The later it got the less room there was to move around as everyone packed in fairly tightly, eagerly awaiting Green and company to hit the stage. Some fanfare then erupted when the lights finally dimmed at 8:32, everyone knowing that could only mean one thing. The four instrumentalists of the band stepped out from the shadows, Green, acoustic guitar in hand, bringing up the rear and earning the loudest response, the quintet then getting to work, setting things in motion with their take on Pat Green’s “Wrapped”. Found on the recently released tribute record to that icon of Texas country music, their version of that classic honors the original while also offering a little more of a kick to it, making it an excellent fit for an opening song, and indeed, it was fun and spirited as they knocked it out. Green found time to slip in a “How are you doing?!” amidst the lyrics, quickly addressing the spectators as they got their 80-minute long onslaught underway; he and lead guitarist Josh Serrato jamming in the final moments, each of them grinning ear to ear as they slipped into their comfort zone: being on a stage with attentive eyes focused on everything they were doing.

They certainly did their part to make sure they were deserving of everyone’s attention, vim and vigor already abounding from them. And it would only increase from there. “Thanks for being here…” Green commented as he greeted everyone, stating that he wanted everyone to have a good time and enjoy “not being at work”. They tore through the meaty set list that they had planned, sizzling riffs or some striking beats courtesy of Logan Bowers bridging one song into the next, the fact that they seldom relented building a sense of urgency. Green’s most recent studio album, 2015’s Ringling Road, received the bulk of the attention this night, a couple tracks from it coming right after, including the song that pulls back the curtain on the life of a full-time musician, “Next Big Thing”. Avid fans and supporters, the audience demonstrated their adoration of Green and his music during that twangy country tune that is spliced with a hefty dose of blistering and gritty rock ‘n’ roll. As the first chorus approached the end, the singer stepped away from the microphone, pointing at the crowd as he continued mouthing along, the patrons picking up the slack, collectively shouting, “…Everybody’s saying I’m the next big thing.”

That was just the first of many sing along moments during the night, Green and his band striving to make everyone feel like they were a crucial component to what was going on, and that led to a terrific rapport. Promising a new album was in the works and they were working on getting it out to everyone “as soon as possible”, they treated everyone to a couple cuts that will be found on it, one of which was “Hebert Island”. An up-tempo track, it oozed a fun and carefree vibe, something that was perpetuated by the lyrics as it focused on just enjoying life. The awesome backing vocals made it stand out all the more, Serrato and fellow guitarist Steven Marcus as well as bassist Steven Buehler all chiming in, further cultivating that fun vibe.

Plenty of fan favorites followed -- much to everyone’s delight -- “Dead or in Jail” being a definite highlight of the night. Most everyone could be seen or even heard singing along with the roaring number that pushed the musicians’ dynamics to new heights; Serrato and Marcus both being able to cut loose and wail on their axes. “This place is bad ass!” Green remarked a bit later, appearing truly taken by the setup that Lava Cantina had going on. Bantering with the crowd some more he extended another thank you to them for coming out, especially since they surely had work the following day. “I don’t envy you,” he quipped, chuckling as he said it. “Rose Queen” was another electrifying track, and it provided a thorough look at the musical prowess that the five of them possessed, particularly as the let loose during the jam outro. Green was still all smiles as he strummed his acoustic, all of them converging at the front of the stage and savoring the moment as they packed it with as much gusto as they could possibly muster.

The back half of the performance was filled with hits of Green’s and ones that are near and dear to him. “She Likes the Beatles” was one of the former, another where the spectators were encouraged to let their voices be heard; while the singer sent out “Old Fashioned” to his grandfather, prefacing it by briefly reflecting on the state of the world. “Still Think About You” was another special one to Green, who shared the anecdote of how it came together. He also confessed that he hasn’t been too good with technology over the past five years or so, mentioning he had recently just checked out Spotify and browsed around on it. He noted that that song was one of their most played on there, pleasantly surprised by that fact. Largely acoustic, it may have been the lull of the show in a way, though there wasn’t a song any more emotional than it either, the lyrics cutting to the bone as the pain and heartbreak over a breakup manifested itself in Green’s voice. It was stunning and absolutely magnificent.

The night ultimately came to a close with a trip to “Ringling Road”. A co-write between Green and Ross Cooper, he welcomed Cooper back out to the stage to help out on one of the most unique songs that has been written; a twisted circus/sideshow vibe with a touch of country permeating “Ringling Road”, the riveting number bringing the performance to a thrilling finish.

But no one budged. No one was ready for the show to be over, chants of “One more song!” slowly growing as the patrons began to demand an encore. Green and company were happy to oblige, getting all hands on deck for a rendition of “Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound” by Hank Williams Jr. That included Cooper, the two vocalists each being charged with handling a verse. That lone encore summarized the entire show. They executed it splendidly, though it was all about having fun and enjoying oneself. The musicians exemplified that, just relishing sharing a stage together and performing their music for people and getting said people to let loose and live in the moment that was playing out before them. That had been their goal all night long, and they succeed at it.

That was truly the most spectacular thing about, chiefly, Green, but also Serrato, Bowers, Marcus and Buehler: the way they finessed the audience. Going back to that rapport, it was something special and genuine, Green constantly expressing his gratitude to everyone for supporting him in any capacity, let alone being in attendance for this Thursday night show. At one point he outright acknowledged that if it weren’t for people choosing to listen to him he wouldn’t have a job, seemingly a silent promise that he would never take it for granted nor betray that sacred relationship. Not every artist is capable of establishing that kind of connection, and it’s something that needs to be appreciated. Honestly, that was the most compelling aspect of their performance, even more so than the natural talent and searing passion they all demonstrated every second of their time on stage. That was a crucial factor as well, though, allowing the performance to be absolutely enthralling.

As performers they were in immaculate shape, possessing the quality of showmanship that could only be derived from a rigorous touring schedule that allows one to hone -- and I dare say perfect -- their craft. Green and his band mates let the music do the talking. It didn’t need to be any other way. They gave it the necessary flare so that it would connect and resonate on as deep a level as possible with the fans, but other than that, the music spoke for itself. All of it was well-crafted songs that either told stories or were deep and personal, capturing a moment in time. (And often all of that together.) What more could anyone want from music?

Wielding a versatile voice that fit all types of Texas country, Red Dirt and even Americana music, William Clark Green is a definite force to be reckoned with. Being twangy when necessary or even utilizing a Southern drawl, he can pull off being pristine and forceful just as easily. It’s an impressive range that he commands, not only making him distinct but allowing each song to have a subtle difference while still unmistakably being his. The show he and his band gave The Colony this night was one for the books. Incredible in every respect, they left the audience in awe, even those who knew what to expect; and what a way to begin this new Red Dirt Thursday concert series. The other acts to come – and Lava Cantina has some great ones lined up – will have their work cut out for them, even if they’re unaware of the bar that was set this night.

A Texas country music legend in the making, if you want to see a concert that is nothing but a good time from start to finish, you’ll be hard pressed to find one any better than what William Clark Green has to offer. William Clark Green’s next North Texas gig will be on May 26th at Billy Bob’s Texas, with a show at The Backyard Bar Stage and Grill in Waco also planned for June 1st. Other upcoming shows include a performance at Cotton Fest in Lubbock, TX on April 21st; White Oak Music Hall in Houston, TX on April 27th; and John T. Floore Country Store in Helotes, TX on June 9th. Aside from the plethora of Texas dates currently on the books, he’ll also be hitting Columbia, MO, Chicago, IL, and Nashville, TN in May. A complete list of William Clark Green’s upcoming shows can be found HERE; and head over to iTUNES or GOOGLE PLAY to check out his live album, Live at Gruene Hall, or any of his studio releases. Set List: 1) “Wrapped” (Pat Green Cover) 2) “Sympathy” 3) “Next Big Thing” 4) “Hebert Island” 5) “It's About Time” 6) “Dead or in Jail” 7) “Hanging Around” (with a snippet of “I Won't Back Down” by Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers) 8) “Creek Don’t Rise” 9) “Rose Queen” 10) “Hit You Where it Hurts” 11) “She Likes the Beatles” (preceded by The Beatles’ “With A Little Help From My Friends” and The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up”) 12) “Sticks and Stones” 13) “Old Fashioned” 14) “Still Think About You” 15) “Wishing Well” 16) “Ringling Road” Encore 17) “Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound” (Hank Williams Jr. cover)

[topmixtrends]

NELSON GEORGE IS a creator — and chronicler — of art in many forms. Over the course of a career spanning almost four decades, George has moved easily between journalism, history, novels, and filmmaking, producing over 20 books and 15 films. In addition to long stints with Billboard magazine and the Village Voice, he has published books about the music industry and African-American culture — including The Michael Jackson Story (1983), The Death of Rhythm and Blues (1988), Elevating the Game (1992), Buppies, B-Boys, Baps, & Bohos (1993), and Hip Hop America (1998).

George has also worked extensively in television and film. In 2007, he co-wrote and directed the HBO film Life Support, which earned Queen Latifah a Golden Globe. He has directed a number of documentaries, including A Ballerina’s Tale (2015), about the ballerina Misty Copeland, and Brooklyn Boheme (2011), a celebration of the vibrant black arts scene of the 1980s and 1990s in Fort Greene and Clinton Hill. He was also a writer/producer on the Netflix series The Get Down.

George has published three crime-fiction novels featuring D Hunter, a bodyguard turned investigator. To Funk and Die in LA is the fourth installment, and the first set in Los Angeles — specifically the vibrant, shifting areas of Koreatown and Crenshaw. D travels to Southern California to solve the murder of his grandfather, who was affectionately known as Big Danny. But as D digs into Big Danny’s past, he untangles a web of associations and secrets, some of which date back to Los Angeles’s civil unrest of 1992. D must decide which leads to pursue and which to leave alone, what to share with his family and what to keep to himself, all while pursuing a missing music icon and coping with his feelings for a Korean-American realtor who has closer ties to him than he knows.

¤

NINA REVOYR: Many of your books have been set in Brooklyn, where you live. What drew you to the idea of writing about Los Angeles? 

NELSON GEORGE: I have been traveling to Los Angeles for business since 1981 and have come to accept that it is actually my second home. I’ve lived in the city for several stints — most of 1981 and ’82, most of 2006 and 2014 — and have been back and forth between Los Angeles and New York in the years in between. I have friendships here that have endured 30 or more years. So I have seen L.A. transform, just as I have Brooklyn, and have memories of restaurants, scenes, and relationships that have ended. I’ve always found Los Angeles a complex place full of hidden mysteries and closed societies. It’s why it’s always been such a good film noir location — its length and variety challenge you as a visitor, and certainly as a writer, to look underneath the glamour to find its humanity. There is a lot of desperation in this city. People who come here seeking success or just access to the dream factory. When they don’t get what they sought or just get a taste of it, this can breed an anxiousness that can turn to internal or external anger. And, of course, navigating L.A. traffic is good way to rattle a person’s nerves. All in all a good town to find interesting characters in.

You’ve been a music writer, you’ve written novels and nonfiction, and you’ve also worked in television and movies. What are the joys or frustrations of working in these different forms? Are there things you can do in one form that you can’t do in others?

The core of any good story is someone seeking something and the things that help or prevent them from achieving it. I think that’s true in writing a profile of a singer, as well as a character in a TV show or movie and certainly a novel. Now each form requires internally a bunch of information, be it in music history or a three-act structure. I am one who believes a good storyteller can move work in any of these areas, but it will take time to make these transitions from form to form. I learned tons working with the writers on The Get Down. Not everything I learned was actually good! But the point isn’t perfection since that’s an impossible goal. The point is to explore process and to be able to see different ways to approach storytelling. If you are a writer, it’s fun to test your limits. As a human being, it’s absolutely essential. When you write you have to be like a child anyway. You have to be open to being playful and going outside your comfort zone. I’ve done that a lot in my career. I have definitely stumbled. But, end of the day, accepting the challenge is what enriches your life.

In a previous D Hunter novel, you tackled gentrification in Brooklyn. Now you’re taking on gentrification in Los Angeles — particularly areas like Crenshaw and Koreatown. How is gentrification similar or different between the two cities? 

Because of the population density of NYC and the spread out geography of Los Angeles, it’s hard to compare the two cities. What they do share is a sinking black community, rising Latino and Asian populations, and investment by banks and the city government in areas that were once red lined and ignored. Cities are living things with long histories of evolution and change. I think the changes to Los Angeles are more surprising since the racial segregation here was enforced by freeways that allowed whites to live full L.A. lives and never see where blacks, Mexicans, et cetera, lived. As the city has become more “urban” with the Metro’s growth, Uber, high-rise development, and rising housing prices a lot of those geographical barriers are disappearing. Koreatown, for example, was once a outlier in Los Angeles. Now it is one of the city’s most vibrant communities. It’s these changes in the city that I really tried to capture in To Funk and Die in LA.

To Funk and Die in LA — like the city itself — is a mix of people and cultures. It’s filled with characters of various races who sometimes clash, and other times cross racial lines for friendship and love. Do you see the racial mix of Los Angeles as emblematic of urban America? Or is there something particular and specific about L.A.? 

I think the black, Mexican, and Korean relations here are unique to Los Angeles. The traditional black communities abut Koreatown with Pico-Union on the other side. On Western Boulevard you see strip mall signage that’s in English, Korean, and Spanish. There are funk and soul parties in this town where there will be Mexicans spinning old R&B 45 singles for other Mexicans and hip-hop parties where Asian kids are old-school break dancing. So there’s a cultural mix here, especially east of Western, that strikes me as unique and that I find very stimulating.

Los Angeles’s last civil unrest — which serves as the historical underpinning of your book — happened 25 years ago. What do you see as the legacy of that period? And how does it compare to more recent events in Ferguson and Baltimore?

I was out here during the trial and then flew out here the morning after the [Rodney King] verdict. I remember sitting by the Mondrian Hotel pool and counting the fires visible from up there. I traveled down Western a few days after the curfew was lifted to see the destruction and debris. Between the O. J. trial and the uprising, Los Angeles was home base to events that laid bare the racial divisions in the country. Add to that the fierce gangsta rap records that came out during that period and the often brutal policies of that era’s LAPD and you have a historical epoch we, as a national culture, keep revisiting in documentaries and fiction. I think the scars are still here. I think the uprising is one of the reasons that the numbers of black Americans in this city have shrunk. I know that there used to be a very vibrant black nightlife scene in Hollywood, West Hollywood, and even Century City that is just gone. I think the fallout from the uprising has something to do with it. I do think Ferguson and Baltimore’s impact was magnified by the internet. There were literally hundreds of Rodney King videos made in those cities. The downside is that we’ve grown sadly used to police brutality on our smart phones.

The beat of music — past, present, and yet to be made — is everywhere in this book, and in your writing. You’ve also written about — among many other things — basketball players and dancers. Do you see commonalities between these various forms of expression?

I did a documentary on the great ballerina Misty Copeland and I did a 30 for 30 [ESPN] on Magic Johnson and I see both as athletes. In Misty’s case, she is an athlete artist. But the training and the physical sacrifice that comes with the glory is immense. Whether you are wearing ballet slippers or Nike sneakers these people push their bodies to incredible extremes and they don’t care — the joy of movement compels them.

I know it’s clichéd to talk about an investigator being a loner, but D does seem to have an existential loneliness, which is complicated by his HIV-positive status. The more we learn about his grandfather, Big Danny, the more we learn about Big Danny’s private losses. To what extent is these characters’ isolation a function of the broader human condition? How much of it is also related to things like health status, age, and race?

When I was younger, I felt my status as a writer made me an outsider even when it looked like I was in, whether it was hip-hop or Hollywood or a friend’s house. I spent so much of my time being an observer I isolated myself in many social situations. I think D is really product of me looking at what it’s like to be at the party but not of it. That’s actually the role of a bodyguard. To be in that social space but to be removed enough to spot danger and protect clients. I don’t quite feel that isolated anymore but D allows me to access that part of myself.

The book features several great female characters — including D’s Aunt Sheryl; Michelle Pak, the street-smart realtor who’s also D’s potential love interest; and the wonderfully named Serene Power. Where does D come by his appreciation for such strong, complex women?

I came up in a house full of forceful women and I love writing them. I don’t think of them as “women” characters so much as dynamic people. These women all have objectives in the story, goals that conflict with D’s. So it’s fun to have women who are not in the story to service D or just mirrors to reflect his manliness. They are there to get what they want and their scenes with D reflect their goals and not his. I think that’s why they are fun — because he doesn’t set their agenda and they will get what they want, whether he agrees to help or not. I don’t like women characters written without an inner drive.

Dr. Funk — the legendary musician who everyone is looking for — is a complicated character to say the least. Do you see his dissolution as a symptom of mental illness? As guilt or self-punishment for his past? Or something else? 

Dr. Funk is all the wild geniuses I’ve been lucky enough to meet over the course of my life. They come up with crazy ideas, marry them with skill, and, for a period of time, can move the culture or, at least, influence others who move the culture. But genius is not its own reward. It can burn itself out, it can be abused and it can be broken apart. Dr. Funk knows who he was. He knows that spark is still inside him. But he’s lost the will to be the person. He’s guilty about the chaos that his genius caused and doesn’t know how to make amends. He wanders the City of Angels alone, hiding his heart in plain sight.

¤

Nina Revoyr is the author, most recently, of Lost Canyon.

The post Hidden Mysteries and Closed Societies appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books http://ift.tt/2BwTtEB

[burlesquefinal]

“Shades of Burlesque has huge crowds because the audience, predominantly people of color, wants to see themselves reflected,” Sweet Lorraine says, “They want to see themselves on stage.” Lorraine is the founder of Shades of Burlesque, which she touts as New York City’s only all-black burlesque show. As Lorraine says, the city is oversaturated with burlesque shows right now—you can find them in various venues stretching across New York almost any night of the week. But what makes Shades of Burlesque stand out is its emphasis on race and sexuality. “My new disclaimer is, if you aren’t into seeing bodies that are voluptuous or not the norm, if you are not into seeing non gender-conforming people or black women, then just don’t come to the show,” she says.

Burlesque is a dance form that is typically described as a variety show, often including some striptease. While it picked up popularity in the 19th century, burlesque shows in the city today happen almost every night of the week in various neighborhoods. But according to Chicava Honeychild of Brown Girls Burlesque, while burlesque shows may be everywhere, many of them are free. “We have a following, but there’s a problem with the economic model,” she says, “It isn’t a problem of frequency but the fact that many of the shows are free means it negatively impacts out ability to become a formidable part of the entertainment industry.” And as Lorraine adds, just because there are more burlesque shows does not mean more gigs for black dancers, who may often be the only black dancer in a show. “I wanted the experience of not being the only black burlesque dancer,” she says, “Being a part of this group is a completely different experience. I wanted to feel the camaraderie and I wanted to give more visibility to us.”

African American women have been performing in burlesque since the late 19thcentury. From Josephine Baker donning a banana skirt and performing in Paris to Ada Overton Walker and Dora Dean in Oriental America, a burlesque spectacle that subverted the exotification of women of color. These are all iconic moments in burlesque history. Burlesque, as Richard Allen chronicles in his book, Horrible Prettiness: Burlesque and American Culture, flowered in the mid-19th century as a form of theater made almost exclusively for male audiences. During this time, The Creole Show (1890) blossomed into the first variety show to cast a large number of black women. As Allen discusses, “the show was revolutionary…an innovation on the burlesque circuit, a landmark event.” Previously, most burlesque shows took a minstrel format—in which white dancers would use ‘blackface’ to portray black characters.

It was the Europeans who brought burlesque to America. Produced in 1866, The Black Crook, with its troupe of around fifty ballet dancers, is often regarded as the precursor to later American burlesque productions. It was a time of puritanical sensibilities in America and “burlesque women were as large as the repressed pleasures of the Victorian age,” according to Jayne Brown, author of Babylon Girls: Black Women Performers and the Shaping of the Modern. In fact, even the early burlesque performances, featuring curvaceous women smoking, cross-dressing, and swearing, were radical in presenting “a physical and ideological inversion of the Victorian ideal of femininity,” as Allen argues. Burlesque productions and performers were explicitly involved in challenging boundaries of gender, sexuality, and humor.

Fast-forward to burlesque performances today, and they continue to be a running theme. In its own way, Shades of Burlesque, too, challenges predominant ideologies of gender, sexuality, and race. As Lorraine explains, “as black women, there are so many negative stereotypes and stigma around our sexuality. Sometimes to boldly express our sexuality is to be shunned.” With Shades of Burlesque, the dancers are encouraged to feel empowered by their sexuality—to assert that they’re not some “video hoes” in a rap video, they’re professional dancers who tell a story, with or without clothes on.

Central to the dance group is the representation of diverse body types. With abundant curves that are reflected in both her movement and her body, Lorraine describes her own body as “far from a size 2.” She talks about her burlesque persona as if it were somebody else:  “Sweet Lorraine is one of the most confident people I know,” she says. “She is not ashamed of her body, she is not ashamed of her curves. Burlesque helped me with that. I don’t worry about stretch marks. I don’t worry about gaining a few extra pounds.” As Karma Mayet, an audience member and loyal fan of the group who’s been following their work since they began, says, “It’s very healthy for the soul—jiggles bring joy, it’s very important to enjoy the joy of the jiggle.”

According to Ebony magazine, when JET launched in 1952, readers got a glimpse of black burlesque stars of the time—Rose Hardaway, China Doll, Betty Brisbane, and Lee Ta Harris. At this time, black burlesque was in its prime. In fact, Honeychild writes in Ebony, black burlesque dancers got more press coverage than their white colleagues. But as 1970s rolled around, the burlesque scene had dissipated into the modern strip club joint, where maybe a few performers mimicked or echoed some burlesque style and tradition. After a momentary pause, the neo-burlesque movement—a modernization and overhaul of the traditional burlesque form— took force in the 1990s, and according to Honeychild, “it continues to grow each year.”

Honeychild is part of New York-based Brown Girls Burlesque, a group that prides itself as being “the number one movement for burlesque dancers of color,” according to its website. But as Honeychild writes in Ebony, “today’s dancers continue the legacy of dancers like Lottie the Body, Tine Pratt, and Toni Ellington by producing shows that embrace the genre’s theatrical roots while emphasizing body-positive/woman-affirming sensuality.” Honeychild says that when it comes to the representation of women of color, Shades of Burlesque and Brown Girls Burlesque are “collaborators.” She says that there are distinctions between them, though: “It all comes down to the vision and the way the shows are constructed. But I will say that both work together and are very inclusive.”

For Genie Adagio, who’s been performing with Shades of Burlesque for a while now, the show is particularly enjoyable because of the increased control she has. “I enjoy that aspect of having more control over my time on stage and off—I do my costumes and choreography, I choose the music and my time on stage,” she says. Prior to burlesque dancing, Adagio was a ballet dancer— “Whereas what I was doing before, you know, 400-year-old choreography, somebody is picking what you’re wearing and you’re dressed like twenty other girls. So I enjoy this part of it.” Adagio found the ballet industry to be extremely whitewashed: “It was very blatantly not interested in letting go of that white supremacist traditionalism—I felt like there was no room for me.”

Munroe Lilly, another dancer in the troupe, also enjoys the creativity afforded by Shades of Burlesque, saying, “Whatever I dream up or think up, I can turn into a routine here. There are no rules.”

As the show lights dim and the dancers take the stage to bow, the crowd cheers. John Thomas, in the audience, claps enthusiastically, even throwing in a wolf whistle as the dancers exit. “It’s such a delight to see women of color being represented in burlesque,” he says, “I was in Paris recently and saw the Moulin Rouge showcase and there were no women of color. But it’s refreshing to come home to Brooklyn and get to see these young ladies throw on a fantastic show.”