#just looked it up and apparently a star destroyer is actually not much bigger than a battlestar which is. FASCINATING to me

[mozart-the-meerkitten]

My parents and I watched the season 3 finale of Star Wars: Rebels tonight and I can't believe my mom was the one who was like "WHY ARE THEY* ALL DYING?!" and I was the one being all, "don't worry I'm sure it will be fine." this is the most role reversal we have ever done.

(*to clarify I mean the rebels in general, the main cast was fine)

[chaoticevilbean]

Inspired by Redemption and Far From Home, Close To Heart

Luke stumbles into the shuttle, heaving as he carries his father’s body the final few steps. The ground shudders beneath, a sign of the impending destruction. His mind is numb, not letting anything slip into his head. He has no thoughts but one, as though he’s on autopilot. He has to get into the air. Now.

Somehow, he manages to get into space and out of range just moments before the Death Star explodes. The shuttle rocks a little from the waves of energy, but settles quickly enough. Luke can’t tell if he’s about to pass out or throw up, or maybe both, but he still manages to turn his head to the controls, prepping to return to the Rebellion.

He stills as he does a double-take of the view outside the transparisteel.

A void. Absolutely devoid of stars, planets, and ships. Where are the Rebels? Where is Endor? Where is everyone?

A light catches his attention. A star pops into existence, shining brightly. As he watches, another pops up on the other side of his view. Another at the top. Another by the first. Suddenly, the pinpricks that are stars are materializing from nowhere, filling his vision with a brilliant white. He feels the need to look away, but doesn’t. The Force is screaming at him to look, to keep his eyes forward. He obeys, despite his eyes trying desperately to blink away the overload, despite his mind pressing him to call for the Rebels, for Leia and Han, despite the part of him that is numb with pain and grief and exhaustion.

The last speck of black disappears, and suddenly, Luke is constricted. He feels something compressing him, and he can barely breathe, but he trusts the Force.

Just as it all grows to just below too much, it stops. The light is gone, the constriction is gone, and Luke feels like he’s floating in the center of space.

It only takes a single second between his eyes closing at the sudden darkness and them opening for Luke to know something has changed drastically.

For starters, his head feels a little clearer, and he can actually form thoughts now. He passes that off as the Force’s help. His body is still pumped full of adrenaline, leaving his pain as null as it can be.

The larger difference is the shuttle… which is no longer a shuttle. Instead he sits in some sort of starfighter, equipped with technology that looks at least two decades old. Luke’s sitting in it as though he’s been flying for hours, the security belts wrapped snugly across his chest. A quick glance back shows him that his father’s body isn’t there. Granted, the ship would be too small, but Luke is still disappointed when he sees nothing but more outdated tech.

He’s still in his singed clothes, and he can see the faint lines from being shot full of electricity. Instinctually, he wraps a hand around his lightsaber, startling at the feel of another weight. He looks down, and takes a deep breath as he tries to remain calm.

Five lightsabers. Five. Kriffin’. Lightsabers. One is his own green blade, and he recognizes the one next to it as his father’s, the one that’d made him check his belt. Two more radiate darkness, and he guesses them to be the Emperor’s own blades. The last saber is one he has no clue who it belongs to, but it’s light is brilliant in comparison to the three shadows between it and Luke’s own weapon.

A large boom draws his focus to the open space in front of him. He swiftly takes the controls, letting the Force and his own knowledge of engineering and ships take over as he adjusts to the old machinery. He sees a planet nearby, he himself having been facing enough away to not notice initially. Outside the planet’s atmosphere, Luke’s breath is taken away.

Two Venator-class Star Destroyers battling three Munificent-class frigates, a flurry of fighters surrounding them and causing small explosions that left small bursts in Luke’s vision. He can see vulture droids mixed in, and it seems that most of the fighters belong with the destroyers and the droids with the frigates.

He startles at the beeping of a comm from his controls. He’s cautious, uncertain of where he is and what just happened, so instead of simply accepting the call, he makes sure it’s only audio first. Then, with a deep breath to steady himself, he presses the answer button.

“Trooper, state your designation.” Oh. They think he’s a stormtrooper.

Don’t answer, the Force whispers to him. He doesn’t, instead starting towards the battle.

“Trooper, state your designation or you will be targeted.” Luke notices the voice is nervous, hidden under a professional steadiness. The Force whispers more. Good. Not Imperial. Fight. Fight with them. Luke has never been one to ignore the Force. With a renewed determination and energy funneling into him, he revs the engine, shooting off like a bolt towards the battle.

Instantly, there are droids seeking him out, targeting the fighter as an enemy. Luke doesn’t hesitate to blast them, quick and clean shots. They collide with each other, blowing up as the vacuum of space pulls them apart. Other fighters unthinkingly attack anyone tailing him, and he responds in kind. He ignores the voice that calls for his designation again, only noticing when the call clicks off. Perhaps the officer believes his ship is unable to connect properly, and took his joining the battle as him trying to prove himself not an enemy without comms.

The battle’s tide is slowly turning to the side of the troopers, who apparently aren’t Imperial, which is strange. But the frigates are still firing, and it’s not a guarantee of victory yet. Luke decides to change this.

Remembering his flight against the first Death Star, he passes right next to the main frigate, close enough to draw the attention of a large group of vulture droids. The other fighters do their best to shoot the enemies down, realizing that one of their own has some sort of plan. With little hesitation, Luke fires directly at a small weapons port. He remembers the main layouts of these sorts of frigates, having studied them with Han because “Ya gotta know the basics first, kid, and these are what I grew up with.” The plasma hits, and it’s just like he planned.

A chain reaction, like the Death Stars. The port blows up. Being so small, there’s no shielding, and nothing stopping it from blowing up the port next to it. There’s a series of explosions along the frigate, followed quickly by the shields going down as their generators are hit. In truth, it’s a clever blueprint, only expending power on the bigger weapons, which are more likely to be targeted. But the smaller ones are made closer together, and they make a path straight past the protection of the generators.

With nothing between the walls and the oncoming attacks, the main frigate fails quickly, and Luke barely makes it away before it explodes, splitting in half and taking out another of the enormous ships with a collision. The last ship is swiftly decimated, all droids going lifeless without their command centers. Fighters rush to destroy them fully, before the one-person ships return to their destroyers.

Luke’s comm lights up again, and this time he doesn’t hesitate to answer it- just audio again, because he’s sure he’ll be blasted into oblivion if he reveals his true face.

“Trooper, good work out there. Return to the Resolute and we’ll see if we can fix that receiver of yours.” He responds by ending the call, a signal he was listening, hopefully. He moves his fighter to obey, about to follow the starfighter that looks most like his own, at least from his limited angle, but halts at the humming negative from the Force. A nudge directs him towards the planet, so he turns right around and launches off towards the surface. The comm lights up again, but he ignores it once more.

Upon breaching the atmosphere, it’s clear what the Force wants. A large amount of outdated droids, ones that look straight out of the Clone Wars era, face off against a legion of- wait. As Luke flies closer, his mind reels. He’s in a ship at least two decades from the past, and fought droids with troopers who aren’t Imperial. Not to mention that many of the ships had some sort of personalization to them. Even the legion below looks more varied in color than stormtroopers would be. And more droids, more Clone Wars era droids, are fighting against them.

A flash of blue catches his attention, and seals the conclusion. He’s in the Clone Wars. The Force somehow brought him back in time to when the clones haven’t been brainwashed and turned against the Jedi. Luke knows it’s true, not just from the humming energy around him, but also from the fact that a Jedi is among the clone troopers, currently slicing apart B1’s like they’re flimsi.

Deciding that flying will make him too much of a target, Luke drops down at a high speed, pulling up just enough to not crash and barreling through the droids far enough away from the troopers that he won’t hurt any. They’re in a city, one with earthen buildings and green roofs. The transparisteel pops up and he jumps out, using his green blade to destroy the machines around him. The Force leaps to his aid, and he directs it to push back at his enemies, clearing the area swiftly as the poorly made droids crumple. He doesn’t feel bad about their demises, knowing they’re only partially sapient. Nothing like Artoo or Threepio.

With a small pause in fighting, he closes his eyes, raising a hand up to help concentrate on the Force around him. He senses the droids for a good chunk of distance, and manages to stretch himself to the troopers and the Jedi without overexerting his already low reserves. He’s still rather numb from his battle on the Death Star, but wounds have never stopped him before. Gently but quickly nudging the Force away from the living beings, Luke closes his fist slowly. He can hear as well as feel the metal being crushed as the Force wraps tightly around each piece, pressing inwards with a strength that can’t be fought.

The droids for roughly a square mile around him are destroyed, pummeled into nothing by his will. He doesn’t rest, instead rushing towards the Jedi, even as he feels their presence rush towards him. They’re bright, radiating peace and serenity.

Luke rounds the last corner just as they do, coming face-to-face with the troopers and their leader.

The Jedi wears brown robes of varying shades, covered in dust. A Human male, with auburn hair and a beard. He seems taken aback at the sight of Luke, although who can blame him. The young man probably looks a few inches from death.

The Force doesn’t wait for the Jedi or his troopers to recover, instead pressing Luke in a new direction. He turns his head towards it, letting his senses enhance with the urges of his ever-present companion. There’s more droids. He guesses that the Force wants all of the destructive machines gone, so he doesn’t waste a second to rush off, ignoring the exclamations behind him as he dashes to obey.

His feet are numb as he runs, but he feels every impact jarring his body, and knows he can’t keep up the adrenaline much longer. He exits an alleyway straight into another group of troopers battling B1’s, and hurries to slice the enemies to scrap. He sees another Jedi, his heart soaring as much as it can at the thought of more of his new people being alive. The purple blade doesn’t halt in its attack, even though Luke can feel the scrutiny of the wielder on him.

Once more, the moment there’s a big enough break, Luke’s eyes close and his hand raises, and he crushes as many enemies as he can from his position. He feels the Force pressing on him again as he opens his eyes, and he distantly hears the sound of something clunky and metal heading towards their area. He follows the directions, saber aloft as he goes to meet the fast-paced enemy in the middle. Whatever is there moves fast and without worry.

A strange sight greets him, his mind struggling to comprehend for a moment before finally clicking the pieces of history into place. General Grievous, a mostly cybernetic Kaleesh.

He is more droid than organic. The thought attempts to slip through, only to be grasped by the Force, energy pulsing in agreement. Grievous sees him, lightsabers drawing in a menacing action.

“Ah, a Jedi,” his raspy but deep voice calls. “Your sabers will be a fine addition to my collection. And you have so many.”

Luke bows his head in concentration, disengaging his saber and putting it on his belt so he can raise both hands. He hears the movement of the CIS general, but trusts in the energy that swirls around him. He wraps it around Grievous, much like he did the droids, but this time only uses it to take hold of his limbs. Said limbs move without the commands of their attached brain, instead twisting around each other. Grievous roars, perhaps in pain, but definitely in rage, as he loses control so quickly, watches his own body warp into a cage for him. The lightsabers he holds fly from his cloak and hands, straight onto the belt of his victorious opponent, one who did so little and yet so much.

Luke opens his eyes, waiting for the next command of the Force, hoping that it will lead him a step closer to whatever reason the energy of the galaxy has for bringing him here. He receives only a nudge to wait a moment. He does, hands gripping his singed shirt tightly. A voice that sounds like Leia tells him to get medical attention as soon as possible. A voice that sounds like Han tells him to demand a reward. He brushes both away with a small smile.

Both Jedi he encountered barrel into the open area, lightsabers out and ready, only to pull up short at the sight before them. Luke gives them a small wave, still smiling a little.

He knows that it truly is a sight to behold. Grievous was always portrayed as a sort of monster-under-the-cot in his history lessons, and the cyborg truly did look it. To find said monster twisted into a Tatooian knot is surprising, to say the least. Then Luke himself is singed and sweaty and has five lightsabers on his belt, along with whatever ones Grievous had been carrying with him.

But just as they observe him, Luke himself attempts to memorize the features of the Jedi.

The one with the purple blade is also a Human male, dark-skinned and tall. His head is smooth-shaven, and his clothes match his peer’s. He gives off an aura of control, of a determination born of practice. His eyes are distrusting but curious, but what else can be expected in a literal war zone?

The blue-sabered one hasn’t changed in the time between Luke first seeing him and now, but now Luke can make out some of the details. The man has bags under his eyes, and a gash on his cheek that is sluggishly bleeding. Both Jedi’s clothes show marks where blaster bolts barely missed their targets.

“Hello there,” the first Jedi calls over, eyes darting between Luke and Grievous with partially concealed shock.

“Hello.” Luke winces at the word, raspy and painful. He attempts to clear his throat, only to find himself coughing horribly at the rough feeling. The Jedi look concerned, the dark-skinned one a bit more mildly, at the small fit. Once he’s recovered, Luke tries again. “Hello.”

“Well, it seems you’ve done us a great favor. That is, if you were the one who crushed the droids and did that,” he waves his hand in a vague gesture at the still growling and twisted Grievous, “then we have much to thank you for.” Luke nods in affirmative, already feeling the adrenaline starting to fade a little. His head is getting a little more fuzzy, and his body is feeling more unbalanced. To counteract this, at least temporarily, Luke calls on the Force for support, clearing his head and grounding himself in the moment.

“Who are you?” The purple-sabered Jedi speaks up now, eyes narrowed in suspicion. Luke sees him glance down at his belt, where so many weapons are clasped.

“Luke Starkiller.” Rebellion protocol has been drilled into him, that he has to give a fake name until he can figure out if he’s safe.

“Mace, as much as I know you wish to question him, and goodness knows I would love answers as well, I think it best we get him some medical attention. It’s amazing that he hasn’t gotten psychic shock yet.”

“Psychic shock? What’s that?” Luke receives two extremely worried looks in response, signs that perhaps Yoda and Ben missed something important in his training. It’s practically confirmed when the two men turn back to each other, instantly engaging into what Han loves calling “let’s not die” mode.

“I’ll get Grievous and him to the transports, along with all the other wounded. You move forward in the campaign.”

“Master Koon should be down soon to help us.”

“Well, that’s good then. We no longer need three generals down here, so I’ll simply trade off positions with him.”

“Make sure Skywalker’s cleaned up everything before you lift off.”

The two of them clasped arms, probably switching to communicating through a Force bond. Then, with a quick nod to each other, the two launch into action. The dark-skinned Jedi, Mace, the other called him, disappears further into the city, gone in an instant. Luke watches the movement with tired but keen eyes, then starts as their words finish registering. Did Mace say Skywalker?

But he had said his name was Starkiller. Even if they saw through the lie, it didn’t make sense for them to instantly know he’s a Skywalker. Unless… if this really was the Clone Wars, then his father is still a Republic general. Alive, fighting against the Sith, having not Fallen yet.

It’s a bit too late when Luke realizes the remaining Jedi is now standing next to him. Behind the man, Grievous levitates a few feet off the ground, silent as though having given up on making noise.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine. Just a little tired,” Luke reassures the elder being, trying to sound as little croaky as possible.

“I would think so,” he responds, clearly not convinced. Without asking, he loops an arm around Luke’s shoulders, directing the two of them back the direction they’d come. The young man lets him, keeping a determined gaze on their surroundings and letting the Force fill him. Grievous is pulled after them by the other Jedi, who seems perfectly at ease despite the famous CIS general being close enough to murder him- if he had use of his limbs, that is. Even though Luke didn’t learn much about him in his lessons, he knows the Kaleesh is dangerous, always managing to escape and often taking many lives with him.

They walk quickly, towards the presence of a large group of troopers, but Luke still manages to notice there’s no one else around.

“Where’re the locals?” he asks hoarsely, swiveling his head to peer through windows and into alleys.

“We got them out just before the assault picked up. They should be waiting a little ways away from the city, but far enough away they won’t get caught in the crossfire.”

“How large are the CIS forces?”

“The what?”

“The Confederacy.” Luke is pleased to hear the rasp in his voice beginning to die a little.

“Ah. Well, we were pretty much at a stand-off until you came along. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or so to finish off the rest of the droids, and I still don’t know how you managed to best Grievous.”

“I was already manipulating the droids, so I just went for his metal. It’s rather terrifying that he’s more cyborg than Vader.” Luke internally winces at the name as it slips out, but makes sure he remains as neutral as possible in demeanor. He does receive a very curious and confused expression, but it swiftly disappears as the clone troopers come into view. He barely keeps himself from recoiling away at the sight on pure instinct.

“General!” A trooper rushes over, his armor painted yellow in several places and scuffed and dented from many battles. He comes to a halt right in front of the two Humans and the Kaleesh.

“Commander.”

Sensing the tension from the commander’s gaze, Luke steps away from the Jedi, moving back a little and coming to stand a few feet closer to Grievous. His actions are acknowledged by a glance over, before the Force-user continues speaking.

“Has Anakin checked in yet?” So his father was alive. A version of Anakin Skywalker that hadn’t yet been Darth Vader, one that was still loyal to the Jedi Order.

“Yes sir. It appears that the enemy frigates have been destroyed and General Koon is on his way down as we speak.”

“Good. And the men?”

“A few major injuries, but the rest we can treat on the go. We’ve prepped the ones that need bacta to join you on the transport.”

“Excellent. Then I want to make sure the troops are ready to move out soon. Send word to the civilians that the city is almost taken. They should be good to return by sunrise tomorrow. Help Windu with the clean-up and I’ll contact you once we’re aboard the Resolute. I’ll need to contact the Council as well.” At his last words, the auburn-haired man sends another glance towards Luke, who only just catches it. Most of his attention is on the gold-eyed glare coming from his left.

“Sir, if I may, who is that?”

“Luke Starkiller. He’s the one that took down both the droids and Grievous. I’ll be bringing him back to the Resolute with me, seeing as he needs, at the very least,” a pointed look is thrown Luke’s way, “a check-up with Kix.” Luke bristles at first, before remembering how many of the Rebels avoided medical attention unless forced to or in major need. He himself only received timely care due to Leia’s authority.

“Copy that, sir. I’ll get the troops moving.” The commander nods once, before swiftly turning on his heel and barking off orders. The clones, in yellow or purple themed armor, begin moving instantly, obviously trained well.

“Well, come along, Mister Starkiller. We’d best get moving.” The Jedi’s arm is suddenly back around his shoulders, pressing him forward. Luke is willing to let this happen, as the older man seems trustworthy, his presence filled with light. But the Force is still swirling around him, whispering directions into his mind.

The ship. The fighter. Return. Follow.

“Actually, I have my own ship. I just need to know where to go.”

“Ah, yes. The starfighter, I presume?”

“Yeah. I don’t think it’d be good to leave it in the middle of the streets, especially if the locals are coming back soon.” The duo stops, Grievous still behind them, and the Jedi regards Luke with a neutral expression. He worries for a moment that he might have to make a run for the fighter, but the anxiety fades quickly as the other being smiles warmly at him.

“If you wait to take off just yet, then I can comm you when Master Koon arrives and you can escort the transport back to the Resolute. That way you’ll know which ship it is, and-”

“-you can keep an eye on me, seeing as I’m not exactly trustworthy just yet.” He receives a small chuckle as an answer, and, surprisingly, the Jedi turns to continue heading to the landing zone. He waves once over his shoulder, a flick of his wrist in the air. Luke grins, forcing himself into motion once more and relying on the nudges of energy to find his way. He really hopes they get to the Resolute soon, seeing as he’s relatively certain that not being able to feel one’s lower half is considered bad. He assumes that the (probably) Star Destroyer is equipped with a medbay.

The starfighter is right where he left it, transparisteel raised. He leaps inside and settles down, securing himself and preparing to take off as soon as he gets the all-clear. It comes sooner than he expected, the comm blinking as the call is picked up. Luke answers without changing the settings, leaving his audio on and his feed off.

“Starkiller.”

“This is CT-5852, Stump, clearing you for escort.”

“Thanks, Stump. Liftin’ off.”

“Copy that, sir.”

Luke starts the engine up as the call drops, checking his systems before lifting the ship off the ground, retracting the landing equipment as he does so. His nav-system picks up the Republic transport’s signal, and he sidles over to it. Through the transparisteel, he can see the pilot, Stump, sitting there. The moment the trooper looks over, Luke gives him a thumbs-up, receiving one in kind. Just like flying with the other Rogues.

The Rogues. That could be fun.

Luke latches onto the transport’s comm number, punching it in and waiting for it to pick up. It does, and he can see the look he gets through the clear material. He grins with mischief, and enjoys Stump’s double-take.

“This is Stump to Starkiller.”

“Rogue Leader, reporting. Rogue One still in action. Fly high and may the Force be with you.” Laughing at the waves of confusion and amusement he can feel from the other, Luke tilts the fighter, pulling closer and performing a barrel roll around the bigger ship. He rises back to level to see the trooper holding tight to his controls. Stump looks over at him as he smirks back, and he does the maneuver again, this time staying underneath the transport and waiting. He’s a little surprised but not at all disappointed by the reaction he gets.

“Rogue Leader, bogey check,” Stump practically crows through the comm. Luke responds with an actual crow, remembering his first time being taught the phrase among the Rebellion. Hopefully it’s the same among the clones.

The fighter zips out from under the ship, rising fast right in front of it but without colliding. He spins as he rockets skyward, then diving back down, making sure to get a full view of all angles around Stump. Finally, he rushes over the top, narrowly avoiding the durasteel, and loops around to resume escort position.

“Bogey free, you are clear, Stump.”

“You are absolutely insane, Rogue Leader.”

“Aren’t we all?”

A laugh escapes over the mic, before the call is ended again. Luke’s smile shrinks to something softer, reminiscing about training flights with the Rogues. He misses those, having not had time in quite a while. But right now isn’t the time to spend remembering them. The Force clearly wants him to fix the past. Why else would he be brought back in time to when his father isn’t evil and the Jedi and the Republic are still alive? If he plays his cards right, perhaps he can save the galaxy from the Empire. Maybe even establish something similar to the Rebellion’s forces, only this time for fun or to protect planets with the aid of Core Worlds.

The transport and its impromptu escort make their way outside the atmosphere of the planet with ease. Luke pulls back a little, allowing Stump to lead him to one of the Star Destroyers. Belatedly, he realizes that the officer that commed him earlier said to ‘return’ to the Resolute, the very place where he’s now moving his fighter to dock. The landing gear descends as proper gravity once more takes hold, and Luke puts out the engines the moment the fighter settles.

Before opening the ship, he takes a moment to look around at the inside of the Destroyer. He sees a plethora of blue troopers, mixed with several yellow and red troopers. Grievous is being dragged off by several of them. Starfighters and transports and small frigates are docked all around, along with piles upon piles of crates. He sees the auburn-haired Jedi standing beside a young Togruta, the elder listening as she speaks animatedly to him. She, too, has the lightsabers and bright presence that mark her a Jedi. However, every ounce of Luke’s attention is drawn by the man that enters the hangar from the nearest entrance.

Dressed in dark robes, with dark blonde hair and a scar that travels down from his hairline to just past his eye in a straight line. His presence is bright, as bright as the two suns of Tatooine at midday. Another Jedi, but one that seems to ripple with energy, the Force swirling like a whirlpool around him. Luke recognizes him from holos Han showed him, ones saved from a Corellian childhood in the midst of the Clone Wars. The Hero Without Fear was the only thing Luke could get his friend to call the Jedi. Han had lied when he said he didn’t know the man’s real name, but Luke hadn’t pushed.

Transparisteel lifts as the unwitting time traveler finally manages to overcome his hesitation, sliding down the side of the fighter to the ground.

Almost instantly, a screeching astromech nearly barrels into him, circling him before finally hiding behind his legs and nudging them a bit harshly. Following close is a pair of yellow troopers, eyes angry but turning to shock at the sight of the singed stranger. Glancing back, Luke’s heart momentarily aches at the sight of Artoo, which he pushes aside. This version of his partner doesn’t know him yet.

“Is something wrong?” he asks innocently, moving slightly to the right to hide Artoo more. The action is noticed, as well as the clearly exaggerated expression on his face.

“That little osik zapped us!”

“What’s an oh-sik?” The troopers freeze, clearly not expecting that to be the part questioned. Slowly, as though scared Luke is going to press for an answer, the two back away, turning around after a few steps and hurrying off. Artoo trills happily at their retreat, circling around to face Luke.

[Thanks for the save. They deserved it.] Luke laughs at the familiar bluntness.

“I’m sure they did. But be careful next time.”

[I’m always careful.]

“Is that why you were hiding behind me?”

[Strategic retreat.] Luke laughs again, even though his head is once more feeling lighter than it should.

“And who’re you?” The voice draws his attention, and he turns to see the Hero Without Fear looking over at him in curiosity, as well as concern.

“Luke Starkiller.”

“So you were the mystery pilot!” the Togruta exclaims. Her voice cuts through the hangar’s overall noise, yet is ignored entirely. It likely only seems so brash to Luke because of the slight ache growing at the back of his skull.

“Mystery pilot?” Luke’s voice has suddenly returned to the hoarse rasp from before, the first Jedi’s worry seeping out at the sound. The young Togruta looks at him with a surprised expression, but returns to her previous energetic words.

“Yeah, no one recognized your fighter, but it shows up as Republic so the bridge tried to contact you. According to them, your comm wasn’t working, but you joined the battle so you definitely weren’t an enemy. And then you blew up the central command frigate, and you took down so many droids, and when the bridge tried to call you back you looked like you were heading over. But then you went down to the surface and you weren’t picking up any calls and we got word from Cody that a fighter had landed in the middle of the city. And then-”

“Breathe, Snips,” the Hero Without Fear reminds his companion. She does pause, smiling sheepishly upon realizing she’d been rapidly speeding up her speech. He chuckles at her good-naturedly, turning to face Luke with a smile not at all affected by his scar.

“Sorry about my Padawan, she gets rather excited sometimes.” Padawan. That’s what Jedi call their students.

“It’s alright,” Luke rasps back, then tries to clear his throat, forgetting his earlier attempt. He doubles over as a large coughing fit wracks his body. Someone grabs onto his arm, supporting him from the left, but he can’t tell who. There’s a faint ringing that’s growing fast, the ache from his head moving to between his eyes as well.

Suddenly, the energy that has been keeping him up drains quickly. It feels as though something is wedging itself between him and the Force, cutting off the support he’d been using since planet-side. Pain courses through him, piercing every organ and straight through his skull. He’s coughing too much to do more than gasp at the agony. Waves of numbness intersperse with the stinging, and he’s vaguely aware that he’s dropped to his knees. Whoever’s on his left grabs his shoulders, and there’s so much noise, so much light, so much-

The world goes black and silent.

[toaarcan]

One ship exposes everything wrong with TRoS

Heaven help me, I’m back on my bullshit.

Alright, so, I enjoyed The Rise of Skywalker when I watched it. I actually watched it twice, once on my own when I rushed to see it as soon as possible in order to beat spoilers, and once with my family, in what was a semi-annual new year tradition for us during those four years that a Star Wars film released.

But that doesn’t mean it was good. I enjoyed Transformers: Dark of the Moon the first time I watched it, and that movie’s still a steaming pile of shit. I was admittedly fifteen when I saw DotM, but still. 

My point is that I’m fully capable of enjoying crappy films.

But there’s one thing, one thing about TRoS that exemplifies so many of the problems with TRoS as a whole, if not everything (And by that I mean with TRoS specifically, the woeful treatment of John Boyega and Kelly Marie Tran is a Whole Trilogy Problem). And it’s a ship. Specifically this ship.

The Resistance Y-Wing. I hate this ship with the fiery passion of an exploding star, and to talk about why, we need to first go back to The Last Jedi and its conspicuous lack of Y-Wings.

One of the things that I disliked most about the Sequels before TRoS put all the other problems into stark light was the lack of new ships. Instead of new vehicles, we got shinier, sleeker versions of the ships from the original trilogy. And I disliked this because it’s the opposite of what the Prequels did.

Episodes I-III don’t feature more primitive versions of the X-Wing and TIE Fighter, but instead have similar vehicles that evoke the classics while still having an identity of their own.

The ARC-170 looks kinda like an X-Wing, but it’s bigger and has more weapons and crew, and you get why the well-funded Republic can afford things like this while the scrappy Rebels can’t.

The Eta-2 is a predecessor to the TIE Fighter, but it being employed exclusively by Jedi makes a lot of sense, of course a precognitive wizard with superhuman reflexes can do well in a light, unshielded ship, while in the hands of the Empire’s military they’re just expendable swarm fighters.

But then in the Sequels, rather than evolve the ships into new forms, they just made new incarnations of the X-Wing, TIE Fighter, A-Wing, TIE Interceptor, B-Wing, and of course the Y-Wing.

Well, except for one movie: The Last Jedi.

At the outset of the film, we’re introduced to this ship.

This is the MG-100 StarFortress, AKA “That ship all the Star Wars Youtubers hate”. It’s designed to be a much heavier and bulkier version of the B-Wing Starfighter, and is even made by the same people.

From questions about how the bombs “fall” toward the Dreadnought (The answer is magnets) to claims that they’re completely useless because most of the ones in the film died so easily, these things have been put through the wringer by the fandom, and honestly they don’t deserve it? What destroyed the StarFortresses in the film wasn’t their own weaknesses, but them being deployed in too tight a formation. It was a tactical fuckup, not a problem with the ship’s design.

And given that the whole point of the battle over D’Qar is that Poe makes a tactical fuckup to kickstart his development into the new leader of the Resistance as a whole, adding another layer makes sense to me.

But we live in a post-CinemaSins world of media consumption, where every plot-point that isn’t spelled out with a flowchart and an audio commentary by the writers is actually a plothole. 

We also live in an era where Star Wars fans pine for the days of the Legends canon where everything about new ships, species, and worlds was explained in background lore and books, and are angry that the new Canon is... doing exactly the same thing?

Seriously, how much exposition and lore dumping is actually present in any of the Star Wars films? Not a whole lot. And that applies to all three eras. 

So the StarFortress’ appearance in the film and the lack of Y-Wings led to a bevy of armchair writers demanding to know why the Resistance weren’t using Y-Wings and why they were using those “Resistance Bombers” that are just ‘terrible’.

Answer? Because the Y-Wings sucked shit.

Seriously, go back to the Original Trilogy and try to keep track of the Y-Wings, and see what they actually do, and you’ll find that what they do is “Explode, mostly.”

We’re first introduced to the Y-Wings in A New Hope, and they’re supposed to be the ones performing the Trench Run while the X-Wings cover them, and to their credit, they try.

And then they all get blown up by Vader and his wingmen before they can even take a shot at the exhaust port. Well, except that one that appears with the rebel ships flying away from the Death Star.

Where the fuck were you when the X-Wings were doing the attack run?

The Y-Wings got absolutely wrecked.

Ancillary media would go on to explain that the Y-Wings were beat-up old vehicles that were no longer fit for purpose, but the Rebels had to use them anyway because they had basically no money. They’d stripped down the ships and removed a bunch of their more costly features just to make them viable, and the results of that were pretty clear.

Of course, the Y-Wings were still present in the later films. They don’t do anything in The Empire Strikes Back, but they play a role in Return of the Jedi.

Naturally, that role is mostly “Get blown up while the other ships do the important stuff”.

Despite supposedly being a fighter-bomber that was designed to do significant damage to capital ships, does the Y-Wing play a role in the destruction of the Executor? Does it fuck. Destroying the Imperial flagship’s deflector shields and the subsequent suicidal ram attack on the bridge are tasks that are both performed by the goddamn A-Wings. Y’know, the light interceptors?

The Y-Wings get shown up at their own job by the ships that are there to protect them from TIE Fighters.

Ancillary media again explains why they’re still there. While the Rebels have a newer, better fighter-bomber in the B-Wing, the B-Wing is expensive as fuck and also really difficult to fly. 

A non-centreline cockpit that rotates will do that to a ship.

Still, the B-Wing was a better bomber than the Y-Wing ever was (And the StarFortress was better than them both at that role).

All this adds up to a simple fact: There were very good reasons why the Resistance weren’t using Y-Wings. And there were even reasonable reasons to choose the StarFortress compared to the B-Wing itself, given that the Resistance are still undermanned and under-funded, especially with the New Republic getting nuked midway through The Force Awakens. It being easier to fly and having more armaments would have made it a viable choice for the Resistance.

Buuuut oops, people didn’t like the StarFortress and we can’t make the Internet angry at us again! Better put the Y-Wings back in for Episode IX, and show them destroying a Xyston-class Destroyer, that’ll make them happy!

And sure, okay, giving the Resistance a fighter/bomber is probably a good idea. And they already have New X-Wings and New A-Wings, so where’s the harm in a New Y-Wing?

Alright, alright, sure. But why the fuck does it look like this?

If this is a new ship, why is it already stripped-down like the ones in the Original Trilogy? Why doesn’t it look like the actual brand-new Y-Wings we saw in The Clone Wars? 

Now that’s more like it. Still visibly a Y-Wing, but with more of an identity of its own. 

Seriously, “Literally the same ship but without its armour pulled off” has more of a unique identity than the crowd-pleasing New Y-Wing.

And that, in and of itself, is the essence of The Rise of Skywalker.

It’s blind, empty fanservice, rushing to include as much nostalgia-pandering as possible to try and get the fanbase back on-side after The Last Jedi didn’t do what the fanboys wanted it to do.

This is a whole near- three hour movie whose only message is “Yes, Youtubers making TFA critiques longer than an entire season of TCW, we hear you, we’ll make it for you, please love us!”

And, almost entirely predictably, it was shite.

It was riddled with plotholes and none of the scenes had any time to breathe because the movie was too desperately trying to rush itself to the next crowd-pleasing scene in a desperate attempt to wank off as many disgruntled fanboys as it possibly could.

Luke with his green saber! Jedi Leia! Chewie gets a medal! Lando! Luke raises his X-Wing out of the water! The main villain is a testicle in a bathrobe again! Snork origin! Original-flavour Star Destroyers! Rose doesn’t exist! Rey had a super-special secret magical bloodline the whole time and Luke and Leia totally knew even though Luke has literally no idea who she is in Episode VIII! Luke actually was just afraid of the bad guys in Episode VII, none of that self-imposed exile for his own mistakes nonsense! Y-Wings.

I mean fuck. Disagree with Luke’s portrayal in TLJ all you like, I certainly have my issues with it, but I lay those at the feet of JJ for making Luke’s absence into one of his fucking Mystery Boxes, and then deciding that, even though last time Luke sensed Leia and Han might be in danger, he abandoned his Jedi training, hopped in an X-Wing, and flew halfway across the galaxy to try and save them, he wouldn’t do shit when the First Order pointed a star-powered System-Killer 9000 at Leia, and Han got himself killed trying to redeem Kyle Ron. Like how in fuck was Rian supposed to explain Luke’s inaction in VII?

But regardless of the problems with that Luke portrayal, at least Mark Hamill gave it his all. Hell, it might be his best performance in the Star Wars franchise!

 In TRoS, he shows up in a bad wig, waves a middle finger at TLJ, and ascends to his final form as a Lightsaber Delivery Boy, because apparently all you need to kill a Sith who literally clawed his way back from death is two lightsabers. Haunting Kyle Ron? Nope. Providing guidance as a ghost? Not really.

And y’know what the kicker is? It didn’t fucking work. Lucasfilm and Disney fucking gutted this trilogy, sliced out the integrity, surgically removed the soul of Episode IX in a desperate effort to make the Internet’s most unpleasable fanbase happy, and it didn’t work. They still hate it! Now they just concoct hour-long videos about how much they would’ve preferred to have the Trevorrow script (Which is admittedly much better, albeit still with it’s far share of giant flaws), which was probably thrown out because it wasn’t fanservicey enough!

The Rise of Skywalker is an awful film. It’s a loose collection of nostalgia-baiting moments, roughly stapled together around the skeleton of a plot that was never properly developed. It’s a Frankenstein’s Monster of a movie, but, and I say this with full offense, the Victor Frankenstein in this tragic story isn’t Lucasfilm or Disney or Kathleen Kennedy or Rian Johnson, or even JJ Abrams. It’s you, Star Wars Fandom. It is your monster. 

[darthstitch]

The Hunt For the Lady Ex

(Or...that Star Wars/Hunt for Red October Mash Up That I’ve Always Wanted to Write)

Fair Warning:  I tend to put tongue firmly in cheek and leave canon at the door.  Also, I haven’t really watched much of Clone Wars, although I really need to get on that, because I hear that it’s REALLY good.  Also, the Rogue One team is ALIVE GDI.  

This is set in my Star Wars AU Eleventy-One - PART 1 and PART 2

One does not misplace a Super Star Destroyer, much less if that Super Star Destroyer happens to be Vader’s infamous “Lady” - SSD Executor. 

But Fulcrum is busy having kittens over the intel that the Rogue One team brought to her and according to said intel, SSD Executor has... disappeared.  

When one knows that the commander of said missing Super Star Destroyer happens to be an Emo Dramatic Trash Dumpster Fire of a Sith Lord, this can make one very, very nervous indeed.  Obi-Wan Kenobi pretty much ditches the tea and breaks out the alcoholic drinks.  He, Fulcrum and Rex need it.  

Okay, so Luke Skywalker is a known spaceship geek and he knows the Lady's stats forwards and backwards and yeah, he managed to con Cassian into sharing all the intel that wasn't available to the public.  

See, the "Lady" wasn't just any Imperial Super Star Destroyer rolled out of the Correllian shipyards.  She was special.  She was, in fact, the creation of Darth Vader.  

So apparently, Darth Vader was some sort of mechanical genius engineer - and Luke noted the interesting colors his Uncle Ben turned into when Luke said that out loud - and he'd set about building a starship that was bigger and better than everything else in the Imperial Navy.  Vader had pretty much gone through the ship's schematics, eliminated known bugs and weaknesses and that once tested and proven in battle, the Lady would then be the first in a new fleet of improved and even more deadly Super Star Destroyers.  

And now, she was missing, with her Sith lord commander and her elite crew and nobody had a clue where they were.

The interesting bit was that all this happened shortly after Luke’s identity as the “war criminal” who blew up the Death Star was finally discovered by the Empire.  

Other bits of intel that the Rogue One crew uncovered was that the Imperial Navy were all scrambling to find the Executor, with orders to destroy on sight. Now why would the Galactic Empire want to destroy their greatest flagship?  

It was Han Solo who suddenly said, “Maybe His Tall Dark and Sithlyness wants to defect to the Alliance?”

Han, for the record, had no idea why he suddenly felt the need to say that.  Also, he’s sure that HE’S not somehow Force sensitive.  

Jack Ryan...uh... HAN SOLO, was actually right. Han will still insist that is NOT how the Force works so he’s not a Jedi, blast it.  

So, let’s take a look at everyone’s favorite trash dumpster fire Sith walnut.  Who was indeed defecting, with the 501st and the rest of the Executor crew, all of whom were personally hand picked by Vader and Captain Firmus Piett.  Well, all except one Admiral Ozzel. 

Look, Vader couldn’t dodge that bullet and since Ozzel was actually a dangerous, incompetent nincompoop with delusions of grandeur, his days were actually numbered.  

In fact, Ozzel was killed in short order, and everyone knew that the defection was on, with no going back.  And Captain Firmus Piett was promoted to Admiral.  

All of them were unhappy with the Empire, in one way or the other.  Alderaan and Jeddah were two huge reasons for many of the crew.  The 501st clones, with their chips finally removed, wanted to rain vengeance upon Sheev Palpatine for what he’d done to them.  

And Darth Vader - well, the name Luke Skywalker had shaken him out of the decades of depression, madness and apathy.  The Emperor had lied.  Somehow, Padme had survived long enough to give birth to their son.  And Vader could pretty much see the long, twisted, dark path that lay in store for them - Luke to be manipulated into Falling, a replacement for his maimed father, another Skywalker enslaved to Palpatine. 

Yeah, Vader was having none of that.  He’d happily yeet Palpatine into the fires of Mustafar first.  

So he built the Lady and he’d gathered allies and no, he was not improvising as he went along, because he wasn’t about to show up at some Rebel base with the Lady, knock on the door and ask nicely to be let in.  

Nope, Vader had to be a bit more subtle than that.  So probe droids it was.  

And that was how probe droids led the Lady to the hidden Rebel base on the icy world of Hoth. 

-tbc-

[officialleehadan]

Menkent Ripple

“Ursa.”

Senator Stal Ursa was not accustomed to his name being spoken, quietly and without formality. The surprise of it immediately took his attention form the reports he was studying, and when he looked up, he froze.

Everyone knew of the Edge girl from Asteroid Base 42. How could they not, when she had fallen into orbit with Cygnus Volans as if she was made to be there. How could Ursa fail to take note of the woman whose disappearance, presumed death, turned his most powerful psion into a near-mindless weapon. And who, upon her return, somehow got more powerful. Somehow, during her imprisonment, she discovered a way to destroy the ships that were tearing apart their own attempts at defense. The tie was turning. Slowly, but surely. Because of her.

So yes, Ursa knew about Andromeda Oct. He knew where she came from, and that she was an orphan, with no family, and nothing interesting in her future until she came mind-to-mind with Cygnus.

He also knew that she was still fragile. That her talents, apparently as varied and powerful as Cygnus’ own, were unstable at the best of times.

She could probably hear every thought that passed his mind.

He hated working with psionics.

“Come in,” he said, and nodded a dismissal to his aid as Andra walked in with Cygnus’ arm over her shoulders. He was ashy and looked ill, and Ursa wondered what kind of trouble they possibly could have found in the few short hours since he saw them at the last briefing. “What can I do for you?”

Andra shared a long look with Cygnus, no doubt sharing thoughts, before she nodded once.

“Cyg had a vision,” she said without preamble, and didn’t blink when Ursa muttered a curse. Precognition. It was so unreliable that he tried not to rely on it, but when it came, it could make a difference. “About the war. The ships we’re facing are scout ships. The real force hasn’t even made it here yet, but they’re coming.”

That warranted a stronger curse, and Ursa dropped into his chair as fear threatened to steal his reason.

“We’ve been fighting the vanguard?” he rasped through a throat that suddenly felt dry as desert sand. His head swam at the very thought. How could they possibly face a force greater than the one that already threatened to ruin them? What hope was there, if the great, sleek destroyers that were ripping apart whole planets were nothing but the frontrunners? “This whole time?”

(Not even that.) Ursa jumped, but there was no doubt of the ‘voice’ in his mind. Cygnus shrugged faintly, a little shamefaced behind his mop of dark curls. (Sorry. My voice is too shot for vocal speech. Can we show you what we saw? You should… you should know what we’re up against.)

There was very little that Ursa wanted less, but he nodded anyway. He had never been one to shy away from the unpleasant duties of his station, and that now included trying to save his race from obliteration. If this vision would help, he could do nothing more than try to use it to the fullest.

Of course, he also remembered the last two visions he saw Cygnus have, realized why the psion was speaking telepathically, and profoundly hoped that he would not scream himself raw.

“You won’t,” Andra said softly, and tried to offer a smile. It came out as more of a grimace, but Ursa appreciated the effort. “We’ll buffer you from the… the worst of it. You’ll ‘see’ the vision, but you won’t experience it like Cyg does.”

That did help, although Ursa still didn’t like the idea any.

Oh well.

“Once more into the breech,” he said with a half-shrug. “We need information. Will you be able to share this vision with the rest of our command?”

(If they’re willing. I won’t force it on anyone,) Cygnus assured him. He reached out, and Ursa noted with alarm that Cygnus’ fingers trembled slightly, barely noticeable, but distinctly there. (Take a deep breath in, and release it slowly.)

Before Ursa could do more than breathe, blackness, the dark of open space, engulphed him like falling backwards into shadowy water filled with stars.

(You’re safe.)

That was Andra. Ursa scrambled for his sense of self amid the whirling stars, disoriented and struggling, until bright, brassy-green glimmers appeared out of the darkness and wrapped around him. A moment later, they were followed by more, this time haloed in orange-yellow that somehow felt like amusement.

(Take a minute to get yourself together,) Cygnus, the orange-yellow glimmers, told him calmly. (We’re not going to let you ‘drown’. You’re in my mind. Specifically, on the leading edge of the vision-memory.)

(We didn’t realize how disorienting this would be for you,) Andra agreed, her green glimmers fading to apologetic blue. (It’s easy to forget that what we do isn’t normal for most people.)

(How do you function like this?!) Ursa said incredulously, and didn’t realize he had responded telepathically until the words came out as vivid orange alarm, shot through with pink ribbons of curiosity. (No, don’t explain it. I don’t want to know.)

He took a breath, now vaguely aware of his own body responding, somewhere far away, and braced himself. (I’m ready. Show me.)

(Remember, this is a memory of a vision,) Andra told him when the stars rippled, like the reflection of a night sky on glassy water, disturbed by a single jumping fish. (Nothing here can hurt you.)

Ursa wanted to ask what she meant, and then his eyes fell on the ships.

Thousands of them. Immense, towering vessels. The kind that were specially designed for deep space travel, but much, much bigger. Immense beyond understanding, until he realized that they were asteroids, and moons, and farther back, so far that it was almost lost in the black of space, a ship carved of what could only be a planet.

It wasn’t until his mind shuddered, and he looked closer, that he realized what he thought were little one-man fighters, hovering in swarms around the bigger ships, were actually the same titanic destroyers that were shredding apert his fleet without the slightest effort.

And there were millions of them.

Before he could do anything more than take a single, panicked breath, the stars rippled again and were gone all at once.

He made it to his waste basket just in time to lose everything in his stomach. Icy terror stole the strength from his legs and left him heaving into the little plastic container until he could barely breath and black spots danced around the edges of his vision.

Small hands steadied him and helped him sit back, supported by the wall. Andra offered him a tiny smile even as Cygnus poured a glass of water and knelt to press it into his hand.

(Now you see,) Cygnus told him as he drank, panicked again, and discovered more of the brassy-green glimmers in his mind, soothing away the terror. Andra gave him a tiny, comforting nod, and Ursa couldn’t find it in himself to be anything except grateful for her intervention. (I don’t know how much time we have, but some is more than none. We need to call all our forces together. Because they’re coming, and when they get here, we have to be ready.)

+++

Guiding Stars:

Andra was a mechanic and a pilot with nothing but an old, battered ship to call her own. Cygnus Volans is the most powerful psion to ever live. They were on opposite sides of a messy revolution, until a shared vision of the future brings their two warring sides together against a much greater threat.

Procyon Moon

Altair Chariot

Vega Dignity

Cappella Besieged

Canopus Emergent

Nihal Collision

Spica Interlude

Polaris Eclipsed

Sirius Empowered

Mizar Orbit (Free on Patreon)

Dabih Risen

Ankaa Igniting (Free on Patreon!)

Leporis Crush (Subscriber Only!)

Porrima Chain

+++

MORE STORIES!

+++

[aftermathdb]

DEATH BATTLE Review: Obi-Wan vs. Kakashi

This episode is released to Youtube on May 4th. So, may the Fourth be with you.

Obi-Wan′s Preview.

So, before going into this, just be warned: Boomstick has a bunch of Obi-Wan Liners. Let’s get started.

We open up on Tatooine, and our first Obi-Wan Liner, because old Ben was actually Obi-Wan Kenobi. Now that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.

And of course, the classic “Hello there.”

They go over his brief story of training under Liam Neeson, and his rise through the rankings of Jedi Knights. And for the record, yes. I’ll be referring to them as “knights” as opposed to Boomstick’s “Samurai Space Wizards.”

Anyways, they also go over Kenobi’s relation to The Force. The energy that’s all around the universe and allows Obi-Wan to do incredible things.

It also leads us into our first Wiz/Boomstick segment!

Aside from the Force, they also go over some of Obi-Wan’s techniques and other parts of his arsenal.

And they also go over several novels that help give Obi-Wan an edge up as well.

And the Force is no joke. There’s a reason why I’m capitalizing it all the time.

And it wouldn’t be a true Obi-Wan rundown if they didn’t mention his ultimate weapon:

The High Ground.

A powerful technique that he copied from Darth Maul. It gives him all sorts of advantages.

Kenobi also scales to other Force-Users, like Anakin. Which is brought up when pre-Vader did a Force feat that puts the ability to move massive dreadnaughts at massively relativistic speeds.

And to pull that off, it would need over 21 Megatons of TNT. And that was when Anakin was a newbie.

Of course, they do go over some of Obi-Wan’s weaknesses, like his dedication to the Jedi Order, trying to trick Luke into killing his father, and that time when he uh… Dropped the ball when it came to Anakin.

But even at his worst, Obi-Wan is a protector of the innocent, the universe, and the next generation. Sacrificing himself in service of a New Hope…

And then Boomstick ruins the moment by then declaring that Old Ben then became a ghost!

Yeah, let’s be real… This was the only way they could have ended it.

Kakashi′s Preview.

So, apparently it’s not just the kids who had dead parents, it’s the adults too!

The hosts go over the accomplishments that Kakashi had over the years, and how his dad was disgraced for saving his friends rather than prioritizing a mission… And how his dad committed Seppuku. Dick move Ninja Village.

Regardless, the hosts go over his accomplishments. Becoming a Genin at age five, a Chunin at age six, and a Jonin at age twelve. And yes, I copy-pasted that from the wiki because screw actually writing that out.

To be honest, the most “memey” thing about Kakashi’s preview is the “One Thousand Years of Death” technique he has. And while I can understand that Kakashi’s preview isn’t supposed to be “memey”, It’s a tad jarring when Obi-Wan’s was full of memes.

Anyways, the hosts note that Kakashi is most familiar with Lightning. And specifically, that he made a jutsu called the Chidori that got its nickname when it was used to cut a bolt of lightning.

Now, when Kakashi invented it, he ran into a problem… Literally.

He can’t really see that well when using it. So, once he starts moving, he can’t stop.

Until a friend of his gave him a Sharingan.

With this, the hosts note that Kakashi has stolen over a thousand techniques. But, they also note that since he’s not an Uchiha… he can’t really turn it off.

And then his friends all died! Which leads us to our next animated segment.

(I can never spell “Mangekyo” right… This is what I get for being a Transformers fan as opposed to a Naruto fan).

We get a list of feats, and a quick scaling test by way of Jiraiya. Remember him?- He’s the old pervert who carved up a mountain.

Anyways, this comes out to about 18 Megatons of TNT.

And after all the trauma that Kakashi endured, he finally found out that the ways of old were not the way that should be taught. And he lives on, knowing that he trained the next generation to do better than his could.

… Like I said: not a Naruto fan, so I have no idea what significance that this has.

The Battle Itself.

Doovan Hohdan, Daitomodachi, and Devil Artemis are back for an SFM animation. Obi-Wan will be voiced by Steven Kelly and Kakashi will be voiced by Nicholas Andrew Louie. Force and Lightning by Therewolf, and audio led by Chris Kokkinos.

So, after crashing into Konohagakure, Obi-Wan “celebrates” his landing, and opens up the only way Obi-Wan could:

Now, credit where it’s due: Obi-Wan tries to resolve this without violence. Looks like we know where Luke got it from. If all Star Wars DEATH BATTLE combatants start by them trying to diffuse the situation, I’d say that these guys know what they’re doing when it comes to portraying them as normal… Y’know, minus the removed morals.

Obviously, Obi-Wan not going to let Kakashi just outright kill him, so he starts defending.

Now, it takes a while for Kakashi to take the fight seriously. He keeps readinng his book while fighting and it takes some heavy blows to get him to put it down.

Obi-Wan declares that he has the high ground, and unfortunately, that’s too much power to be contained in one screenshot. But, Kakashi manages to counter Obi-Wan’s almighty High Ground technique.

But, Obi-Wan has the force on his side, so being buried isn’t going to stop him.

Now, the fight rages on, and it’s pretty clear that any physical blows are kinda-sorta leaning in Obi-Wan’s favor a bit. Kakashi puts in more effort when countering than Obi-Wan does. Maybe that’s just Kenobi’s calm demeanor, or Kakashi’s hotheadedness though.

Regardless, Kakashi opts to put Obi-Wan into an illusion for a  striking blow.

So, with the illusion dispelled (Seriously. First Hiei, now Kenobi. Will any illusion-character be able to land that move?), Obi-Wan counters.

And he counters HARD.

Kakashi doesn’t break easily though, so he starts using lightning.

The two get ready for a charging blow, so finishing move in

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Another Sasuke vs. Hiei parallel: it takes a moment for Kakashi to actually die.

Also, has anyone noticed that all the Naruto mentors die at the end of their respective battles? (Yeah, I’m kinda cheating with Might-Might, but still.)

Verdict + Explanation.

So, right off the bat, Kakashi has the edge in versatility. Hands down.

For starters, Obi-Wan isn’t going to be running out of fuel anytime soon. Chakra is internal, and the Force is external. And since it’s not a Chakra technique, Kakashi couldn’t copy it.

And the mountain feat is about on par with the dreadnaught feat, so they looked to be pretty even on power… At first glance.

Remember, Anakin gained power over the course of the series. By the time that the two fought, Anakin was much more powerful. So it stands to reason that Obi-Wan, who matched him, would also be on a similar level of power.

Obi-Wan could also tear apart General Grevious’ armor, which could tank blasts from star destroyers. And while it’s a little unreasonable to say that he could do this with his bare hands, the Force definitely can.

In terms of speed, Obi-Wan could react many times faster than Kakashi, meaning that Kakashi wouldn’t have a whole lot of opportunities to actually land a blow. Combined with the precognitive powers that the Force gives Kenobi, this means that it would be hard for Kakashi to get in close at all.

The elephant in the room is dismissed, as when Kakashi had the Perfect Susanoo, he was being possessed by the spirit of his friend.

But, even if he did, Obi-Wan is still stronger.

Kyp could move a black hole. And Obi-Wan was directly compared to him. Taking this literally, this comes out to just short of 14 Petatons of TNT.

And as we all know, a Petaton is a whole lot bigger than a Gigaton, that’s for sure.

And this isn’t even counting the fact that Obi-Wan could just crush his organs using the Force.

Damn! Thank god for the Jedi Code. These guys could literally conquer the entire universe if they wanted. Good thing they adopted the Spider-Man ways of taking great responsibility with that power and using it for good. Screw the Sith for going the Green Goblin route.

Overall impression.

So, has anyone noticed that we’ve been getting lessons in these past few battles lately? Cable vs. Booster Gold came with the moral of “the level of seriousness between characters only really matters for their own universes, not in a DEATH BATTLE”, the one before that had the (somewhat humorous) “We’re all beautiful just the way you are, no matter how many arms or whose wife you stole”, and now we have “With Great Power, comes Great Responsibility” delivered through the fact that we have now seen that power, and we’re thankful for the Jedi for holding back.

Aside from that, the fight is really well-choreographed. While it’s hard to discern that Obi-Wann had the speed advantage, it’s pretty clear that he had everything else. It was clear that he was the more level-headed of the two, and that gave him an immediate edge as it showed that he was more or less, holding back. And the ones who hold back the most tend to be the one who has the most power.

And the Obi-One liners are a delight. If there was anything really awesome that came out of the Prequels, it was the Obi-One liners. Ad to think! This airs on May 4 on Youtube… Yeah, cue angry Naruto fans claiming that “Obi only won because May 4.” Ugh… Freaking DEATH BATTLE Curse, amirite?

8.8/10

Next Time…

Oh. Speaking of Spider-Man…

If this isn’t hand-drawn, there will be riots.

Is there a fight that you want me to review? - Send an ask/request, and I’ll look into it!

Do you want to read my fanfic based around DEATH BATTLE itself? click here!

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next time for…

Spider-Copycat Combat.

[kariachi]

”So, we’re gonna start today’s Martin Mystery rewatches with The Vampire Returns. Should I have listened to more of the Young Frankenstein soundtrack during lunch in preparation? Probably. But here we are instead.

I love how this show always specifies the exact time shit starts going down. For instance, in this episode, 10:32 pm CEST

~~

Good on Lady Soulsucker’s date for paying enough attention to notice when the girl he’s out with grows fangs and her eyes start glowing. You don’t see that often enough.

Aw and then she takes the daintiest bite of apple with teeth bigger than Date-Dude’s face.

I wonder how they got out without being noticed... can’t remember if the vampires in this episode can do the ‘turn to fog’ thing. Sure I’ll find out later.

~~

Diana sitting there with a book and a crowd of impressed young ladies. What are you showing them, Diana? Did you make this book yourself? Did you mother write it? I can’t think of a reason for the ooo-ing and ahh-ing going on otherwise. Either that or you managed to attract a pack of lesbians and they are trying to get in your pants.

...ya know I’m kinda all for the idea that Diana has unwittingly attracted a chunk of Torrington’s lesbian population and they are all trying to smooze in the awkward way that only a young gay can manage.

Also hello Tonio, it’s nice to see you. I’m going to have to include you in this in some way, I believe, given the location and also that this is a fic for nix.

Martin, Martin, sweetie, no. You are not getting that girl. There were actual sparkles coming off her, you don’t deserve that sort’ve quality. Plus, ya know, she sounds like your brand of nerd isn’t her style. I know the saying is “aim for the moon, if you fail you’ll land among the stars” but let’s be realistic for five seconds

Tonio can see this disaster coming from a mile away.

Amber is not having it, solidly unimpressed. I’m shocked.

You think the girls at this school ever rate the boys and just, give Martin a solid 6/10 for effort and moxie alone? “We wouldn’t date him, but at least he’s entertainingly stupid.”

Amber’s look of shock and concern at the idea of Martin enjoying studying. Like she’s about to call in the Psi Psi Psi girls and Diana, clearly their moron has fallen ill. Diana, meanwhile, is just pissed and I can’t decide whether the idea that this is because Martin is lying to get a date or because ‘has he been lying for the past our entire lives’ is funnier.

Though, given we’ll be working with witch!Martin for this it’s not like he’s lying. He just doesn’t like studying, well, anything they teach at Torrington. (Although I am still a big fan of the idea that he’s perfectly bright and just doesn’t apply himself like, at all.)

Martin don’t growl at your sister, you’ll get enough chances to in season 3.

And Amber trying to let him down easy.

~~

“Very rare, and totally irreplaceable” and you, all the way into season 2, are going to work with them, in your office, immediately after calling in Martin- known disaster and Destroyer of Projects? I swear you’d think MOM wanted her crap ruined. After a point you have no one to blame but yourself.

Martin no.

I repeat, MOM, no one to blame but yourself. Most people with an ounce of sense would stow away the shit they didn’t want destroyed when the guy who keeps destroying shit was called in.

Diana no. You’re being sent on a mission not a fucking river cruise.

~~

Introducing, the world’s scariest tunnel of love. First condoms in the water, now people going missing, this dude is just done.

Well Lady Soulsucker just fucking demolished that place didn’t she. Godsdamn, forget shutting it down because people disappeared, shut it down because it’s officially a safety hazard.

Okay, access hatch in the ceiling, that explains that.

...Okay but Martin isn’t entirely wrong with his assessment here? Something strong and nocturnal is right on the nose, and while the werewolf and half-beast-half-humanoid (and I love he uses that word specifically) hybrid guesses aren’t quite right, they aren’t far off the mark. He brought his A game today.

Diana, darling, kids playing practical jokes generally don’t leave fair rides completely demolished in their wake. That is not a normal occurrence.

Java about to eat half-consumed food off the floor like child did Diana not teach you better than that? I wouldn’t be surprised Martin didn’t but Diana?

500 year old saliva. This is the sort’ve ridiculousness I expect from this show. What, did Lady Soulsucker not swallow, spit, or brush her teeth since she escaped her coffin? Was she going around with 500 years of no brushing on her breath? Of course she’s got vampire hypnosis it’s the only way she could get a date.

Vampire goes rwar at children, flees into the sun to escape capture. Also he may need some heavier clothes, those don’t seem to be keeping the sunlight out.

~~

Martin no.

Billy making himself useful. Helping them follow the massive flashing clue that is the vampire’s clothing.

Martin slow your jock-ass down

Martin no, purple isn’t your color.

Okay, can I just say here that Lady Soulsucker looks fucking weird? She looks like a haunted porcelain doll. Or a shitty oc. Here, a theme song to go with her.

Question, why is there a surf shop in the middle of Paris? Is Paris big for surfing? A true French sport?

Oh, yeah, Simone, I forgot her name. It’s very French. Also dude chill.

Diana will not be stopped by some weird hyper-jealous dude.

She also, ya know, looks like a fucking corpse. But yeah, the reflection thing is your first clue something’s up.

He doesn’t see her, he doesn’t hear her, he doesn’t smell the 500-yo morning breath. I claiming him as an anosmiac by the way, the flag is in.

Welp. I can’t decide whether this feeding was more or less extreme than the last one. I mean, this time was pretty fucking hardcore, but last time she demolished an entire fair ride.

Simone, sweetie, have you considered that if you are looking for a specific guy maybe, just maybe, the way to go about it isn’t to just eat whatever random dude happens to be within hypnotizing range? Just a thought?

“He needs help, I’m going in” Martin says right after watching a guy get eaten by a vampire, proving that while he may not be the moron we deserve, he’s the moron we need. Diana, on the other hand, is a voice of reason and doesn’t deserve this shit.

Lucky those clothes were there to break your fall, Martin.

Martin, after dropping from the ceiling into a vampire’s feeding ground, alone: Don’t make me fuck your shit up! Simone, seeing this: Oh yay it’s my moron! Speak of the devil!

Am I saying Gerard was probably just as much an impulsive dumbshit as his great-x-grandson? Yes. Yes I am.

“Clever, and brave.” And a complete moron of a dork. “Just like my Gerard.”

“And just as handsome” it’s nice to see the looks keep in that family? I don’t believe Gerard got the floaty hair though, but his hair looked stupid so really Martin has the advantage there.

Vampire minions are strong, holding back Java with one hand.

Vampire true love is apparently very sparky.

Well Diana, at least you saved the watch.

~~

Martin gets abducted by vampires, Billy immediately must run to the scene.

I’d be impressed with your strength, Java, if those doors hadn’t looked 70% fallen in before you got to them. You could’ve probably gotten the same result from a hearty cough on them.

Gerard=Martin w/o floaty hair or modern fashion. Don’t know why the portrait is in black in white.

You’d think Billy could’ve taken the thirty seconds to read a brief overview about the woman while he waited for Diana and Java, but no.

No wonder Gerard looks weird, there’s not even a splash of warm color in that outfit. And warm tones don’t do Simone any favors. Coordinate your fashion better, people, you’re vampires for fuck’s sake! What would Mike say!

How do we know about genes from a 15th century vampire? Also I note she says ‘relative’ and not ‘descendant’, but I’m not in the mood to dig into that.

Billy you are literally a galactic conqueror, but your big boy underwear on and get in the basement.

Let’s be real, Diana, that’s just a sibling thing. You go into horrible places to save them so you can give them hell about making you go to a horrible place to save them.

How many minions has Simone gotten together? Like, the clan hasn’t been renewed yet, so... When did she get the time? It’s been like 24 hours

Okay, that explains new guy A, what about B and C over there, who look like they stepped out of Robin Hood? where they sealed in with you? Is this the old crew?

Simone, queen of the night and motivational speeches.

Martin you can’t just call on a specific guy, poor thing probably had a heart attack. “Fuck, my Lady’s new consort has beef, fuckfuckfuck” but no, you just want some fucking fries. And Simone is fucking loving it.

~~

Okay, so we know some of them sleep upside down.

It’s nice to see vampires can still be active sleepers.

Hissy vampires on all fours

Vampire!Martin is perfectly fine with being an evil trophy husband

Vampire!Martin standing there like “yeah, you rule the underworld, babe, rocking it!”

~~

“Do you know how much grief I’ll get at Torrington if my stepbrother comes back a vampire?” Would it really be that much more than you get just for having him as a stepbrother in the first place?

A vampire lord consort and yet still, at heart, an annoying brother

Simone: Get me back my fucking moron and we’re all screwed!

Tell me that’s like, Diana or Java’s dirty sock because I’m fairly certain even Martin doesn’t deserve to have his own stuffed in his mouth

And Simone becomes a massive fucking bat beast. Fur, muzzle, little winglet-dealies, big ears, big teeth, no tail...

Okay, yeah, Java’s sock, cool

Those are some seriously dirty windows. Or, well, were.

Sunlight burns everybody but also burns Simone to fucking ash right quick. Which then removes the curse on her victims.

Also I wanna know more about this apparent vampire gene. It is of much interest, especially given next episode will be dealing with werewolves and in some folklore werewolves when killed become vampires, so...

~~

Martin. No.

Amber really. Either you were setting him up or you yourself are dense as teak.

Oh Martin... stick with spies and monsters, honey

[neverwatchedonepiece]

517-519: "The Beginning of the New Chapter! The Straw Hats Reunited!", "An Explosive Situation! Luffy vs. Fake Luffy!" and "The Navy Has Set Out! The Straw Hats in Danger!"

The hat is back on!

I was excited about this. Was also oddly excited to click on the “Fishman Island” arc on CR, finally, after so long on Marineford.

These episodes were another curve ball for me. I thought the timeskip would go one of two ways: either they’d all meet straight away at Sabaody, group hug, then sail off into the New World, or we’d get a training montage for each Strawhat before the meeting.

Then I remembered you guys mentioned there would be a mini-arc and I cursed myself for being dense.

There’s not much plot to it. Some fake Strawhats are blighting the real ones’ good name and reputation. Unfortunately for them, 3D2Y is kicking off and the real Strawhats are gathering on Sabaody like the Avengers Assemble. Plus, pretending to be an infamous pirate crew isn’t a great idea when the Marines and World Government are after them.

I think I can see what’s coming. The fake Strawhats are light-hearted fodder, there only to show off their real counterparts’ training. And bring some lulz. No idea how it’ll unfold, though. That’s half the fun of watching One Piece, to be honest.

Luffy

It was good to see Oda hasn’t tinkered with Luffy’s design too much. (Saying that, I liked the Strong World outfit).  He still has those flip flops and cut offs, but now the red vest has sleeves and is open at the chest. (Gotta expose dat 8 pack and scars, right?) 

Of course, the iconic straw hat was picked up at the beginning of the episode. He was ready! Hancock and the Kuja pirates were there to see him off. Hancock packed Luffy half a year’s worth of supplies in a massive pack and gave him a handy-dandy Groucho Marx disguise in case any Marines spotted him prior to sailing out.

(Is it me, or does Luffy finally realise Hancock likes him? He kept saying, “I’m not getting married.” Though I did like the part when he refused to say goodbye because he wanted to see her again. That was nice of him. He acknowledges just how much Hancock helped him - and she helped A LOT. You could argue Luffy is as indebted to Hancock as to Rayleigh, Jimbei and Ivankov.)

Then, he set off! The next time we saw him, his massive backpack nudged Fake Luffy. There was an altercation. 

Of course, Luffy couldn’t retaliate. Drawing attention to himself and bringing the Marines down on his head before he reunited with his crew would be a Bad Idea.

He did get his own back. Just not in a way that would draw attention.

When Fake Luffy fired the gun, I cheered because Real Luffy gave us a teaser of his new power. Observational Haki! Armament Haki! Conqueror’s Haki! He deflected the bullet, dodged it, then floored the Fakers without lifting a finger.

Honestly, I cannot wait until Luffy’s next big fight. Sentomaru has returned with some Pacifistas. I hope the Strawhats get their rematch. Oooh, maybe the Pacifistas will be fodder now....

Nami and Usopp

Look at them.

Look at how beautiful Nami and Usopp are. 

It seems that over the course of two years, certain Strawhats have ended up with less clothes than they started with.

Nami has lost her t-shirt, but at least she has that bikini, right? Like Luffy, Usopp has buffed up and has a shirtless look to show off his gainz. They both have longer hair too - and it looks good on them.

Not sure about this comment from Usopp, "I don't belong to the weak trio with you and Chopper. I became a warrior who is not fazed by anything!" I guess (or I hope) it was acknowledged by all three that they were the weakest members of the crew, but it’s a bit much saying he’s graduated to a higher tier. Especially since he doesn’t know what Nami and Chopper have been doing. I like that Usopp has found some more confidence, but don’t find it at the expense of your friends.

Or, it’s classic Usopp overcompensating because he’s underconfident. Or he’s just joking. 

Nami must have quiet confidence in her fighting ability because she sat at that bar in Sabaody on her own and talked back to Fake Luffy who had just shot someone. She can control the weather and summon thunderclouds indoors. That is not someone you’d mess with.

Usopp has some new weapons in his arsenal too. He’s weaponised the plants from Bowin Island and I’ll bet he has much more than carnivorous plants up his sleeve. 

I love how casually they walked out of the bar, talking about their training, “Yeah, so I was studying new weather tech on a Sky Island...” while thunderclouds tore the bar apart in the background.

And Nami was driving a hard bargain for a discount. Never change, Nami. Never change...

Zoro and Sanji

Never realised how much I missed these guys and their bickering until I had a genuine laugh-out-loud moment (in 519, I think?)

I love Zoro’s new design. I think it’s my favourite out of the new outfits. The green robe looks great. It gives him more gravitas, as though he has now graduated from Sword Training School and is allowed to wear the academic gown. Not sure what kind of garment it is, but it’s definitely more traditional.

Sanji is still in a suit. I liked his previous style, so I’m kind of glad Oda didn’t mess with it too much. Sanji and suits are like Luffy and flip-flops, you know? He’s changed his shirt, has grown a goatee (which, of course Zoro noticed and roasted Sanji for it) and maybe his hair’s a bit longer?

Zoro arrived at Shakky’s bar first. This was a source of woe for poor Sanji, who arrived seventh after Franky, Nami, Usopp, Chopper and Brook. (Robin was eighth because she had to shake some CP goons off her tail.)

The fact that Zoro arrived first was nothing short of a miracle. I’m still not sure how he managed it. Maybe Perona dropped him off right at the door. When Sanji arrived, he was overcome with emotion at the sight of women to the point his enthusiasm freaked out a couple of innocent ladies. Then Sanji met Duval (I love how they’re friends now) checked out the kitchen and went food shopping.

On the way, he met Zoro.

Zoro wanted to go fishing. Rayleigh and Shakky shouldn’t have let him out of their sight. Instead of getting on a fishing boat, he boarded a pirate galleon and fell asleep. Sure enough, the ship set sail with him on it. “THAT IDIOT!” Sanji yelled. But it was okay. Of course Zoro would do something like that. At least the ship was headed for Fishman Island and they knew where Zoro would be.

I was annoyed for a half a second (rob Zoro of the big reunion? How dare you!) But then he showed off some of his new skills. Mihawk-esque skills. He sliced an entire pirate galleon in half. It was awesome. He still has great lines too. “I ruined your New World dream? No. It was your fault for allowing a plague on your ship.”

Has Zoro taken a Mihawk level in edginess? I think so.

Then they started arguing on the way back and I honestly laughed out loud at their shit-flinging contest. 

“Stay with me, or you’ll get lost!”

“Who’re you talking to, moustache eyebrow!”

“Shut up, lost moss!”

“How could number seven talk bossily to number one?”

“SHUT UP, I TRAINED MY LEGS IN HELL FOR TWO YEARS!”

“BRING IT ON, I’LL CUT YOU IN HALF!!”

They love to pretend they hate each other, don’t they?

Chopper

Aw, Chopper. He has definitely take an level in cuteness.  Chopper is a rare example of more clothes. He has acquired a cute, stripey shirt and red shorts. The hat is okay. It’s huge. Maybe to accommodate his massive brain (because he has absorbed the contents of all those medical books, right?) Must say I prefer his old hat. Mainly because Dr Hiluluk gave it to him and it’s a huge part of his identity. Parts of it are still there, but I guess it’s difficult to change Chopper a lot, so the hat is an obvious target.

Haven’t seen any of his new abilities yet, so Chopper hasn’t changed at all personality wise. He still loves cotton candy and, like Luffy, is still absolutely hopeless at seeing through lies and bad disguises. The part when Chopper was running after the Fake Strawhats and crying out at them to rescue Fake Robin was a bit daft. I mean Chopper did admit later on to Nami that the Fake Robin, “didn’t smell familiar.” But then, that’s the gag. It goes all the way back to Sogeking, so I’ll let it slide. :)

He really thought the Strawhats had changed so much, though. It was  interesting to see that he’d stick to his principles and go rescue Robin himself: a real marker of Chopper’s new determination and confidence in his own abilities!

After that stressful moment, it was nice to see how glad Nami and Usopp were to see him, hugging him and telling him how much softer his fur was, how much bigger he’d grown. And Chopper’s outrage once he realised there were impostors about: “WAIT, NOW I’M MAD!”

Even though he’s stronger, kind, innocent Chopper hasn’t changed that much.

Robin and Franky

Again, how good do these two look? Robin is the most drastic change out of all the Strawhats. Could you believe I actually didn’t recognise her at first? (Only the eyes and the voice acting finally gave it away.) The blunt bangs/fringe/whatever you call them were iconic to her look, so it’s a definite departure. She looks great, though. Similar to Boa Hancock.

I’m 100% being Franky’s new look. The colour scheme is the same (red/blue) and he has his loud fashion sense, but the chunky cybernetic enhancements, the sharp shades and the buzz really add an intimidating edge to Franky that he was missing pre-timeskip. And apparently, the Sunny has some new weapons as well as a Full Underwater Coating courtesy of Rayleigh. Can’t wait to see what nightmarish destroyers of ships Franky has constructed! >:D

Franky injected some tension into the narrative, which was cool, even though I am 99% certain it will turn out fine in the end. While losing the CP9 goons trailing her, Robin picked up a poster for Brook’s concert. Quite rightly, she WTF’d over it and asked Franky if he knew what was going on.

“Brook's quite the star now. From the lonely shadows to a place where everyone cheers for him. He might not come back to pirating again.”

Surely Brook would not be so ungrateful to abandon the friends who lifted him out of loneliness into the spotlight again?

Nah. Brook’s not like that. I’d bet money it.

Soul King?

Brook has now graduated from garage band Slash-wannabe to issuing health and well-being advice via the genre of soul and the medium of arena tours. 

He has acquired a manager. Before the gig, Brook had something to tell him and I’ll bet it was about quitting. 

I’m still wondering how Brook got away with becoming so famous. Wasn’t he identified at Sabaody when Kizaru kicked their asses two years ago? Hasn’t his bounty poster been updated since? Did not a single Marine think, “Hey, there was a talking skeleton in the Strawhats’ company at Sabaody. Here is another one on TV. Coincidence?”

Love that we got to hear most of the song, though. Brook hasn’t changed that much, either. He still loves those skeleton puns.

(I am very behind on replies, btw. I know. I will reply to every single one tomorrow. ^_^)

“Move, bitch. Get out the way. Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way!” - Ludacris

[schraubd]

Review: The Last Jedi

*Warning: Spoilers* We saw The Last Jedi last night at a theater in Destin, Florida. Apparently, the goyim know about the "see a movie on Christmas trick" (I suppose they all could have been Jews, but we're on the panhandle, so I doubt it). Overall, I thought the movie was very good. But before we go any further, I should probably address the issue that's at the foremost of everyone's mind. To wit: The Last Jedi decisively proves (as if there ever was any doubt) that Poe Dameron is no Wedge Antilles. By my count, Poe's impulsiveness and "I know best" arrogance ends up ruining carefully-laid Resistance plans not once but twice. Losing the bomber squadron may have been forgivable, but Vice Admiral Holdo's escape plan would have worked were it not for the infiltration plot that Poe decided he just had to try. Poe Dameron has the deaths of literally half the Resistance on his hands thanks to that stunt. Okay, that's out of the way. Overall, The Last Jedi is clearly better than The Force Awakens. If the latter was a shot-for-shot remake of A New Hope, the former is an amalgamation of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. But not only is it different enough from both of these films to not feel derivative in the way The Force Awakens clearly was, focusing on its original-trilogy predecessors distracts from the bigger influence on The Last Jedi: Rogue One. One of Rogue One's greatest strengths was how it started to turn away from the "one true hero whom everything revolves around" tenor of the series, in favor of a narrative equality between main characters and side players. Like Rogue One, this is a grim movie, and not only does not everyone get a happy ending, not everyone even gets a glorious, cinematic ending. In both major revelations and smaller, more subtle moments, The Last Jedi continues to reinforce a refreshingly egalitarian message that to my mind opens up more storytelling potential untethered to the "What are Luke/Han/Leia and/or their children/relatives/secret lovers up to" well. Obviously, the big iteration of this is the strong implication that Rey is, in fact, nobody. Not a child of destiny, not secretly related to the Skywalker clan, just ... a nobody, who happens to be force-attuned. But for me, some of the most powerful moments in the film were where it made clear that every member of the Resistance has a rich inner life and story that (for them at least) is on par to that of any of the main characters. The knowing nod between two starfighter pilots as they prepare to take off -- only for both of them to be vaporized when a proton torpedo enters the hanger bay. The bombardier clutching her necklace charm as she desperately tries to complete what she now knows is a suicide mission (this was an effective scene even without the later revelation that she's another major character's sister). None of these characters "matter" in the grand scheme of the narrative. But people who don't matter, still matter. They have their own lives, motivations, relationships, and personalities, and The Last Jedi does a very good job communicating that throughout the film. What makes these sequences so effective is that they are not emphasized or given any special significance. Most directors don't bother to pay attention to such side players at all, and those that do often revel in accentuating the head fake ("Oh you thought so-and-so was going to be a main character? Surprise! Laser to the face!" Looking at you, Joss Whedon). By playing it straight, The Last Jedi reinforced one of the most powerful narrative themes there can be in a war movie: everybody has a story, everybody has a narrative, and so having a story and a narrative doesn't make you special and doesn't offer any protection. From a fan-boy perspective, I appreciated some of the new tactical permutations that were shown in space combat. Getting to see B-wing bombers was pretty cool, and the "slice open the Star Destroyer by hyping through it" was a neat trick (though if that works, its unclear why the Resistance wouldn't have used it more often as a Kamikaze tactic -- it is a brutally effective way of neutralizing the First Order's capital ship advantage). We can quibble with some details (has nobody invented autopilot yet?), but for the most part I was able to suspend disbelief. Obviously, the newer iterations of Star Wars are light-years ahead of their predecessors in terms of gender equality. A slew of excellent female characters are well presented and fully fleshed out -- and again, what's most important aren't their presence among the leads (Rey and Leia, though they both are fantastic) but as integrated up and down the supporting cast. Plenty of action movies have one or (maybe) two Strong Female Characters surrounded by a sea of indistinguishable dudes. Rarer is the film wherein women are just a normal part of the universe -- occupying mid-level command posts, serving as infantry grunts, working as unremarkable technicians, and so on. The Last Jedi is exceptional along this front, and deserves much credit for it. Overall, The Last Jedi was to my mind the best Star Wars film since the original trilogy. I don't really understand the backlash against it, and I do think it works very well as a strong second act setting up a potentially epic Episode IX. So well done Disney, and well done Rian Johnson. The Force is strong in this one. Assorted bullet thoughts:

Where are all the aliens? If the Resistance and the First Order are finally gender-integrated, the conflict still seems strikingly human-on-human. Aside from Chewbacca, I counted one indeterminate alien starfighter pilot and one Sullustan (apparently Nien Nunb -- his fan club can rest easy). There actually could be something darkly amusing if this huge galactic conflict really was basically an intra-human spat and the other species of the galaxy just didn't care ("Humans ... there they go again"), but that doesn't seem to be the message of the film.

Captain Phasma continues to hold the "Boba Fett character who seems like a total badass even though she actually doesn't really do anything award. The Praetorian Guard certainly made a good run at it, though.

I love the humor in The Last Jedi. All the major laugh moments do it for me, but the one that really killed me was when Rey "reaches out" to grasp the Force. Mark Hamill's eye roll game is on point.

Speaking of, I have mixed feelings towards how Luke is portrayed in the film. I neither love it nor hate it, but I do think that Mark Hamill gives it everything he has. His "brush your shoulder off" move is also on point.

Kylo Ren is turning into a pretty solid villain. It might have been interesting had he succeeded in turning Rey, though. Now that would have been a plot twist nobody would have seen coming.

I appreciate Vice Admiral Holdo is shown to be competent along all dimensions. Again, her escape plan would have worked had Poe not ruined it. And she also seized an opportunity to escape her captivity when it was presented.

Man, Jedi have gotten a lot more powerful in the past few decades. Remember when Yoda could impress us by lifting one starfighter out of a swamp?

via The Debate Link http://ift.tt/2pDXJR1

[impracticaldemon]

Nalu Fluff Week 2017 Within the Law, Chapter 2

fanfiction by impracticaldemon Words: ~3000 | Also on FFnet | AO3 (coming soon) | CH. 1

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 of Within the Law is based on the Day 4 prompt "History", with several nods to the Day 1 prompt "Soulmates".

I'd like to thank everyone who is reading, following and liking this story so far, with special thanks to those who have taken a moment to drop me a line to tell me what they think of the story. 

Chapter 2—Friend or Foe?

Prompt: History

I—Scrutiny

The interview did not go at all as Lucy expected. For one thing, it was a great deal more informal than any interview she'd ever had for a job (other than one for a paper route that her father wouldn't let her keep). The real shock, however, was finding out that the law firm of Makarov & Vermilion—known to lawyers as Fairy Tail—had a history with her family.

The room was more or less what she had envisioned—corporate-Fiore standard boardroom with an oval table, big comfortable chairs, and fully updated with the newest in lacrima technology. The artwork was a little unusual, and appeared to have been contributed by various members of the firm, since there wasn't any cohesion or similarity between the pieces that she could make out. Lucy couldn't help but glance at Natsu when her eyes caught what appeared to be an original Star Wars movie poster in all its kitschy, late- seventies glory, mounted in a place of honour on one wall. Natsu gave her two thumbs up, apparently aware of her interest—in the poster—and Lucy found herself smiling.

"That's the slightly more common version, of course," he stage whispered to her as she sat down in her designated spot. "But I have the Type A poster at home."

Lucy had no idea what he was talking about; apparently Natsu was an even bigger geek than she was. Also… was that a pick-up line? Gray either shared her concern or saw her expression. He punched Natsu none-too-lightly on the shoulder.

"Seriously, Pepto B? Lucy's here for a job interview and you sound like some kind of nerdy pick-up artist."

"What the hell, Gray?! I just thought she'd like to know—I mean she can recognize an Imperial Destroyer-class capital ship when she sees one!"

"So could anyone who's known you for at least five minutes," argued Gray, unconsciously pushing back his sleeves. His pale blue shirt was now unbuttoned most of the way down his chest, revealing a stylized silver sword on a matching chain around his neck—and some very nice muscle, and part of a dark blue tattoo.

Lucy saw Erza Scarlet, the firm's youngest-ever managing partner start to tense at the childish behaviour. She leaned forward, but Makarov Dreyar, the firm's senior partner, shook his head at her slightly, and Ms. Scarlet sighed but didn't intervene. Lucy wondered just how often this kind of thing went on around Fairy Tail. Were they at least more professional around clients? And did their lead forensic specialist really need to show off his chest like that? Lucy found herself looking back at Natsu in the hope that maybe this was a common habit for Fairy Tail guys. Hope?! Did I really just think that? Ugh! This is getting out of hand.

Ignoring Ms. Scarlet's glare, Natsu poked Gray in the chest with a forefinger. It didn't look like much, but Gray almost fell out of his chair.

"Hah!" crowed Natsu. "Shows what you know, Stripper! Lucy hadn't known me for five minutes yet!" He beamed at Lucy, who once again felt like a deer caught in particularly attractive headlights. She scrambled to get her wits together, her task made harder as Natsu reached up and loosened his tie and unbuttoned his collar. Mercifully, he stopped with just one button.

"… I guess not," she ventured. "At least, I know it wasn't for very long."

Gray leaned forward toward Natsu with a predatory smirk. "Thought so. You didn't go fetch Lucy like you were supposed to, did you? I'll bet you ran home to let Plue out, set Happy to keep an eye on him, and then—let's see—you had to rush back here because you can't stand riding the subway. You know, I thought it was strange that Lucy got caught in the rain."

Lucy felt a blush starting—why had she lied to cover up for Natsu? Then she discovered that nobody else seemed especially upset, although Ms. Scarlet was obviously irritated.

"And which great detective are you today, Ice Cube Brain, Poirot or Holmes?" Natsu rolled his eyes. "I mean for crying out loud, Ice Princess, don't you—"

"That's enough!" Ms. Scarlet's hand smacked the table, and Lucy jumped right along with the guys. "Natsu—we'll have to have another chat about your billable hours later today. Gray, put your shirt back on and stop baiting Natsu."

Wait, what? Lucy stared at Gray, whose expensive broadcloth shirt was hanging neatly over the back of his chair. What the hell?

Okay, so the lawyers at M&V were a little… unusual. Lucy had already known that in advance. She'd done her research—and seen the news stories—so she'd been aware that Makarov Dreyar was extremely short and tended to conduct business sitting cross-legged on top of tables, podiums, bars, and—in one very famous case—the back of a client's expensive and extremely explicit Greek statue of three lovers.

Mr. Makarov had argued that as the statue was a perfectly functional chair, and as there were no obscenity by-laws regarding lawn furniture, the City of Magnolia had no right to either fine his client or force him to remove the object from his front lawn. He'd lost the case, but it had made his law firm known to most of Fiore by the time it was over. On top of that, the client had reputedly been pleased that he and his statue had been on the news for the better part of two months. It had allegedly doubled the client's business, which Lucy preferred to not think about too hard.

Lucy had also been prepared for Erza Scarlet to be a gorgeous redhead who was not much older than she was. Ms. Scarlet was known equally for her uncompromising courtroom tactics and her custom-designed suits, which had a strange tendency toward colorful bows and thematic patterns that she claimed were related to her cases. Three years ago, journalist Jason Khol had commented that if Erza Scarlet ever showed up for court in a regular black or navy suit, he'd know for sure to leave immediately; the case would either be boring or leave people dead. He had also reported that the lawyer's one weakness was strawberry torte with real whipped cream. Looking across at the giant portrait of a piece of cake so deliciously realistic that Lucy's mouth immediately began to water, Lucy concluded that the information might have been more accurate that Jason's usual offerings.

She was called back to the present when Ms. Scarlet cleared her throat and thanked Lucy for coming to the interview. Lucy almost hugged her for saying something so normal.

"I'm very happy to be here," she began.

"Well, that's just it," interrupted Makarov. "You see, we've had our eyes on you for some time, but since we're all very much like family here, we had to make sure that you weren't just applying for a position in order to spy for your father."

Lucy froze in place. This was actually worse than she'd expected. She'd become more or less inured to being courted for her family's wealth and connections, but she'd never ceased to be hurt on the rare occasions that she'd been met with grim scorn or open hostility because of her family's "opportunistic" business practices.

"Oi, gramps!" Lucy blinked in surprise. It sounded like Natsu was—angry?—on her behalf. Sure enough, the pink-haired securities lawyer waded in with total disregard for rank or protocol. "You didn't have to put it like that! Besides, it's perfectly obvious that she's not here to spy for Old No-Heart Heartfilia!"

No-Heart Heartfilia. Yes, that's what they called him—the nebulous "they" being almost anyone from whom he'd ever wanted something.

Lucy looked up when a heavy arm dropped around her shoulders and squeezed. She automatically noticed the high-quality wool of the suit and the fine linen of the shirt cuff. She'd been raised to notice things like that in the same way that others noticed hair and eye colour. Still a little in shock at the unexpected—well, not attack exactly, but close—she mused that she didn't like Natsu's cuff links and would have to choose him a new pair. That thought brought her out of her daze. What was it with him that made her think things like that? He smells good, her nose suggested. She didn't recognize the soap, so it was probably an off-brand—something he'd picked up for himself—but there was a hint of pine and fresh wood smoke that was both very odd and somehow comforting.

"I have to agree with Pinky, jiji." To Lucy's surprise, that was Gray's cool, rather deep voice, and it sounded like he was on her side too. "Lucy lied like a champ for Natsu and—as we've heard—she barely knew him. Not just that, but I'm pretty sure she didn't know he was a partner, so I doubt she was looking to buy favours." Gray must have moved closer, because she heard him murmur sotto voce: "Waste of time with Natsu anyway…"

Lucy looked up at Mr. Makarov, who seemed to be frowning at her. All at once she realized that Natsu was still hugging her. It was nice, but she preferred to stand on her own two feet, metaphorically speaking.

"Um, Natsu?"

"Natsu—personal space?" Erza's voice sounded slightly weary; no doubt they'd had this conversation before.

"Yeah, Natsu, she hasn't accepted your offer to come see your Type A Star Wars poster yet you know." Sure enough, Gray was right behind her.

"Gray—put your shirt back on."

"Oh—sure thing Erza."

Gray's presence disappeared from behind her and at the same time the warmth around her shoulders vanished. She felt surprisingly disappointed, but persevered.

"Mr. Makarov—Ms. Scarlet—is this still an interview for a job? Or am I here because you're angry with my father?"

"Hmmm, well, I wouldn't say I was ever angry with you, Ms. Heartfilia. It's just that your father has a way of hurting people when he doesn't get his own way, so I am… protective."

Lucy stood up, pleased to find that she was fully in control of herself and her voice again.

"There is nobody who understands my father's nature better than I do," she said in a clipped voice. "Am I here for a job? Or a trial?"

Mr. Makarov smiled at her, and to Lucy's surprise, his smile had quite a bit of the same elusive, sunny charm as Natsu's.

"Actually, if Gray and Natsu hadn't jumped in so quickly, I would have explained that although we were concerned about your motives for seeking employment here, we've already determined that you're just the kind of person we want here—and the right person to make sure that past history stays in the past."

"Oh." Lucy suddenly felt deflated. Then her normal good spirits—which had somehow survived her father's rule after her mother's death—started to bubble back to the surface. "Um, Mr. Makarov?"

"Yes?"

"Does this mean I'm hired?"

"If you want the position, it's yours."

Lucy nodded firmly. "Absolutely. I've dreamed of working here."

"Awesome!" That was Natsu, and he was grinning even more brightly than before.

"Welcome to Fairy Tail," said Gray, who still hadn't put his shirt back on. He offered Lucy a slight smile—the first she'd seen other than when he'd been laughing at Natsu.

"We're very happy to have you here," put in Erza. "Please, just call me Erza. If you have some time now, we can do up the proper contracts and so on."

"And discuss billable hours," muttered Natsu.

"Nonsense, she's a summer student," Erza told him sharply. "You on the other hand…"

"Right—got it! And, uh, I've got to get going… are we done here? I mean, gramps has a beer out now and all…"

Sure enough, Mr. Makarov was drinking placidly from a giant beer stein. Where had that come from?

"Fine. Go." Erza shook her head as Natsu rushed off. "That boy… brilliant, of course, but not focussed."

"He's young," murmured Erza's boss—to the extent that she had one. She started to nod in agreement, when Makarov added, "So are you, of course."

"Well then, time to wrap this up," said Gray. He was looking impatient, but was too polite to simply leave.

Just then, Natsu stuck his head in at the door.

"Lucy! I forgot! I'll walk you home, okay? Also—don't let Gray convince you to try out for the hockey team and don't let Erza talk you into putting on a musical. See you in a couple of hours!"

The pink hair vanished as quickly as it had come.

"Musical?" Lucy asked, puzzled.

"Oh yes!" replied Erza, suddenly looking much less severe and considerably younger. "I happened to notice on your résumé that you've done some amateur theatricals, and…"

Lucy heard a snicker from Gray; he patted her on the shoulder on his way out, careful not to interrupt Erza's excited description of the potential for the first ever Fairy Tail musical operetta. Seated to Erza's right, on the conference table, Lucy saw Mr. Makarov smile into his beer.

II—Not Alone

"So, how was your first day?"

Lucy looked sideways at Natsu, who looked cheerfully unrepentant about leaving work early. He'd told her that he'd probably go back later. Unless she wanted to see the poster today, of course. Lucy had declined, citing fatigue and a need to find a place to live in the city now that she could more or less afford to pay rent.

"Well, I didn't really do any work… I mean, I still have end of year exams to go before I can work full-time for the rest of the summer."

Natsu gave her a knowing look.

"I'll bet Erza talked you into the musical."

"True. But she agreed that it might be better to consider a play to start."

"Heh. She wants Gray to sing—he's a dork, but he's got a good voice. He's usually willing to go along with stuff, but he's put his foot down on the singing." Natsu paused, considering. "So far."

"I know exactly what you mean," Lucy told him with considerable feeling. "Erza's amazing, and she's been my idol for the last two years, but she's really… intense."

"Accurate," Natsu agreed. Despite the beautiful clothes, Lucy was starting to believe that he really wasn't much older than she was.

They walked along for a few more minutes, chatting and laughing with surprising ease, when Natsu stopped abruptly and looked toward a park about a half-block away.

"Come on," he said. "I've got to get Happy and Plue."

Bemused, and amazed that she was going with him despite her skirt and heels—she'd ditched the stockings and not bothered with her spare pair—Lucy trailed along behind Natsu. When they reached the park, the white dog and blue-grey cat came trotting up. At Natsu's request, Lucy carefully squatted down in her tight skirt to pet the dog. He was an adorable little thing, with short, velvety fur and dark, expressive eyes.

"So his owner is away?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah… Well, kinda." Natsu shifted from foot-to-foot, his cat Happy in the crook of one arm. "Actually, they're not coming back. But I didn't want Plue to go to just anyone, so I took him in. The building doesn't allow dogs, but I'm planning to get my own place soon anyway, so I thought—why not?"

There was obviously some kind of story there—more old history?—but for some reason, Lucy didn't feel the need to find out about it the way she usually did. She liked the dog—more of a puppy, really—and for some reason, she liked the man. She smiled when it occurred to her that Natsu seemed like a bit of a puppy himself at times. Corporate law shark he might be, but she hadn't seen it so far. She might feel differently once they'd worked together for a while, of course.

A hand reached down, and Natsu helped her to her feet. He seemed a little abstracted, so Lucy gave him his space. Or tried to, anyway. He appeared to like walking close to her, and—again, she wasn't sure why—it didn't bother her.

"How about I give you a hand with finding an apartment?" Natsu asked, after several minutes of silence.

Lucy stopped, since they were about to head down into the subway station, and it would be next-to-impossible to chat down there, given the noise and people. She was surprised by the offer—but not really.

"You don't mind?" She hesitated, and then said bluntly, "The thing is that I'm going to have to do a fair bit of looking. It's got to be nice enough to be comfortable, but not too expensive—although I've got some money saved up, which will help. But the big thing is that my dad's going to be really upset. So I need to look without him knowing."

Natsu nodded, obviously thinking. "So you're running away then?"

"Pretty much. But I've still got a year of school to go so… I don't know exactly how it will work out."

Her companion studied her face and then smiled reassuringly. "We'll make it happen—no problem! You're not on your own now, you know?"

An odd lump rose in Lucy's throat, and she hastily blinked away tears.

"Yeah. Thanks, Natsu."

"There is one thing, though."

"What?" Lucy could feel her original wariness return.

"I really hate subways. Worse than anything." He looked embarrassed and ran a hand through his pink hair.

"Oh. I see the problem." Lucy pulled herself out of her unproductive thoughts. She smiled at Natsu. "I think I can make it home from here on my own, to be honest. Besides, Erza will be happier with you if you head back to work, won't she?"

"Yeah… After I drop off these two, anyway." He seemed a little disappointed, and Lucy hoped it was because he was sorry she had to go. "Well, maybe you can come by on the weekend? Hang out with me and these guys?" His head indicated the cat and the dog.

Lucy didn't know what to say. She wanted to say yes, but it was ridiculous to trust a guy that she barely knew.

"Aren't you going to be working?" she temporized.

"Probably not; there's nothing big in the works for a couple more weeks. Actually, that's the thing—I don't always have a ton of free time, but this weekend's good. That's how it goes in my practice area—you're either working flat out or not too much. I don't mind it. But I want to help you find a place, so…"

"Well, okay then." Lucy gave in and decided to go for it. She couldn't tell if the guy was just being nice—very nice—or whether he was asking her out in a very, very circuitous way. It was impossible to tell. At the very least, he seemed to want to spend time with her. She definitely wanted to spend time with him, although she couldn't quite explain why. She felt less alone than she had in years.

Natsu was frowning again, but he grinned at her response. "Great! Okay, let's exchange numbers"—they each pulled out their communications lacrima—"and we'll aim for early Saturday afternoon. Good?"

"Works for me."

"Also, if you ever just want to come over and study, I can probably help. Gray's not too shabby either, though I wouldn't tell him that."

"Such fulsome praise!"

"I know, right?" Another blinding grin.

"See you on Saturday, Natsu!"

"Bye Lucy! Don't trip in the turnstile this time!"

Lucy opened her mouth to protest—it was Happy and Plue that had tripped her up—but Natsu was already jogging away. She suspected he was laughing.

[END]

A/Note: So, this chapter ended up three times longer than planned—mind you, I'm using the term "planned" in a very general kind of way.  I hope you enjoyed it! I'll probably do one more to wrap up Fluff Week. The story needs at least a kiss and definitely some cuddle time... but what do I know?

As always, your reviews and comments are very much appreciated! You'd be surprised how encouraging it is to know that people look forward to reading your work. :)

Confession time ~ I do have a law degree and practiced law in a large firm for just over two years after finishing law school. I practice law in Canada, which means primarily "common law" - that is, law based on both legislation and the decisions of the courts. The US, and most former British colonies, are also common law jurisdictions. The system is different in  "civil law" jurisdictions, such as Québec (in Canada) and most of Europe.

@shell-senji @nalufever @eliz1369 @nalu-natic @naluloverforever @unashamed-shipper @kazama-hime @sabinasanfanfic  @sanguine-fairy @very-x-vice @walk-tall-my-fr1ends @hakusaitosan @strawberrysweetlove35 @fic-writer-appreciation @ftfanfics

Note: I may not be tagging all the right people; I apologize to those I’ve included by mistake and (in absentia!) to those I’ve missed.

[lj-writes]

Finn lied to Poe on their first meeting?

Is it just me, or is the idea that Finn lied to Poe about doing the right thing sort of a mess?

[Image: Finn tells Poe, “Because it’s the right thing to do.” Gif source Tosche Station]

The reading of this scene goes that Finn lied to Poe when all he really wanted to do was get out, and that Poe saw through the ruse and called the bluff, like, “Ha ha, I know you just need a pilot but I need to ditch this joint anyway so I’ll be your pilot. Good one, though!”

Except... the scene, and Poe’s later actions, make no sense whatsoever when viewed this way. Here’s my reasoning:

Let’s say Poe heard the “It’s the right thing to do” answer, immediately realized Finn was lying, and gleaned that Finn was just trying to get off the star destroyer as soon as possible. Well then, why else was Finn desperate to jump ship at great personal risk? Finn offered no other reason than wanting to do the right thing, and Poe didn’t ask for any other.

If Poe doesn’t believe Finn is trying to do the right thing, the actual reason as far as he’s concerned could very well be, “I want you to lead me to the Resistance base so I can alert the First Order and wipe you all out.” That would be... bad? This isn’t the leadup to the climax of A New Hope when Leia deliberately led the Death Star to the Rebels’ base where all their fleet was assembled for a final battle. The bulk of the Resistance’s fleet was in the Hosnian system, and unlike the Death Star, Starkiller Base didn’t have to get anywhere near the Resistance base to destroy it. So no, assuming Poe didn’t believe Finn’s “lie,” agreeing to escape the base with Finn was a really bad idea.

But fine, let’s say Poe saw through Finn for the liar (and possible double agent) he was, but agreed to the plan anyway because he needed to get off the star destroyer first and then interrogate Finn or ditch him at some wretched hive of scum and villainy as the need arose. That would explain it, right?

Well, no. If Poe didn’t trust Finn at his word and thought him a wannabe mole or a would-be deserter, then Poe is the worst intelligence officer and biggest chump in the galaxy and Leia should have fired his incompetent ass the moment she saw him again.

Because, under this version of events, Poe blabbed the Resistance’s #1 secret to a man of uncertain allegiance. Remember? When they were reentering the atmosphere of Jakku? Gave Finn the exact description of BB-8 and the information the droid was holding?

No no, you might say. Assuming Poe could be sure that Finn was a double agent whose allegiance still lay with the First Order, the Order already had BB-8′s significance and description from Poe through Kylo Ren’s mind probe. Finn would only be reporting back what the Order already knew.

Except, under that scenario, Poe would still have a dedicated First Order agent on his tail who could report him to the Order and have him recaptured along with BB-8 the moment they found the droid. If Poe was working under the assumption that Finn was a double agent, therefore, the safest path was to liquidate Finn the moment he was no longer useful. Sure Finn had a blaster and Poe didn’t, but Poe had the TIE fighter’s controls at his disposal including the ejection sequence. There was no need to spend time giving the guy an intelligence briefing, much less a name.

Besides, Poe couldn’t even be sure Finn was an actual double agent; the guy could have been a simple deserter. In this case Poe really was giving new information to someone who couldn’t be trusted, someone who could slip away and sell the information to a third party. So, again, worst intelligence officer and biggest chump in the galaxy.

In short, none of Poe’s actions since escaping the star destroyer makes any sense if he didn’t believe, at least until proven otherwise, that Finn was in fact trying to do the right thing and was sincerely defecting from the First Order. Maybe Poe didn’t believe Finn was telling the whole truth about his reasons, but if he believed the reason Finn gave was a complete lie then he was actively endangering the galaxy by choosing to bring Finn on his mission and giving him crucial information.

“But the novelization!” Yes, I’ve read the novelization’s treatment of this conversation, and it’s actually a bigger mess if that’s possible.

[Image: Photograph of a page from The Force Awakens by Alan Dean Foster. The page reads in part:

The trooper spoke while staring nervously down the corridor. “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Poe shook his head, not buying it for a second. “Buddy, if we’re gonna do this, we have to be honest with each other.”

The trooper stared at him for a long moment. “I need a pilot.”

Poe nodded. A wide grin broke across his face. “Well, you just got me.”

FN-2187 was taken aback by Poe’s quick agreement. “Yeah?”]

There are several levels of confusing here, from why Poe didn’t even consider the possibility that Finn was telling the truth to the mid-scene perspective swing to Finn, but even worse, this comes five paragraphs later:

[Image: The next page, which reads in part:

Was he being set up? Poe wondered. No longer needed, was he being made the subject of some cruel psychological trial, only to be thrown away at the conclusion? Yet there was something about the trooper that made Poe feel he could trust him. His manner, his look: There was something that said “throw in your lot with this one and you won’t be sorry that you did.”]

Sooo... he didn’t believe “for a second” that Finn was telling the truth, yet he also found the man who apparently just lied at their first meeting to be trustworthy? As far as I can tell there’s nothing to fill in the gap, no hint as to why these seemingly contradictory thoughts could stand side by side.

It should also be noted that the disbelief is from Poe’s point of view, not Finn’s. Poe had just been tortured and, in the novelization, was suffering from undeserved guilt for having been able to block Kylo Ren’s mind probe. Also in the novelization, Poe was resigned to the thought that he was about to be executed then and there.

One’s willingness to trust doesn’t tend to run high under these circumstances, and it may be that Poe wouldn’t--couldn’t--believe that anyone, least of all a Stormtrooper, could take so much risk only for the sake of doing the right thing. Getting the hell away from the First Order, on the other hand, that was a motivation he could get behind and it is Finn’s driving motivation for half the movie. None of this means doing the right thing couldn’t be at least a partial motivation for Finn, especially when we watched him do that very thing in the first scene he appeared.

If Finn was telling the truth, at least on some level, that would explain Poe’s conspiratorial grin, the “We’re going to do this” line, as the look one gives a newly acquired comrade. It would explain why Poe gave Finn a name, because that’s what you do for someone you want a continuing relationship with, not someone whose imminent demise you are busily plotting. It would explain why Poe gave information on BB-8 to Finn, because Finn was his comrade and needed to know. It would explain why Poe didn’t kill Finn while he had the upper hand in the TIE fighter, because he had accepted Finn as a friend.

And if you think Poe was rash to immediately trust Finn, consider that he didn’t give Finn any more information than the First Order already knew through Kylo Ren’s mind probe. The trust was not absolute at this point, nor should it have been. But as a spy and a soldier, Poe had to rely on not only his talent and training but also his guts and his heart, and at desperate times he had to gamble and hope for the best.

At that desperate moment in the hands of the enemy, faced with this young man who looked him in the eye and said he wanted to do the right thing. Poe saw a truth deeper than the young man himself might have known. Poe chose to take a chance on that truth, and his gamble led to the salvation of the Resistance and the destruction of Starkiller Base.

Or you can choose to believe crucial chunks of this movie make no sense and Poe is an incompetent tool. That’s a lot of work just to maintain the belief that Finn is a lying buffoon, but I guess that’s totally worth the effort for some.

[ciathyzareposts]

Missed Classic 82: Trinity (1986) – Introduction

Written by Joe Pranevich

I should be at the beach and instead I am playing a game that is equal parts charming and deeply disturbing: Moriarty’s Trinity, a “fantasy” adventure game about inevitable nuclear armageddon. Much like A Mind Forever Voyaging, this is a game with a narrative purpose and a political bent, but also a product of its time. The Cold War had nearly boiled over and Moriarty’s message about the risks of nuclear proliferation was timely, even if I am uncertain how much anyone wanted to play a game about it. As I am writing this now, I’m not sure I want to play a game about it. At a time when nationalism is on the rise worldwide and new walls are being built, when Russia announces new “hyper sonic” missiles that are designed to pierce existing defense systems, and when North Korea promised a “Christmas present” that would let their own stockpile of nuclear weapons reach American shores, it’s hard to enjoy a game about it. We are still far from the brinkmanship of the Cold War when Russia and America played chicken with our lives, but it feels like the world is moving in the wrong direction.

I have been waiting to play this game for months. I had intended to rush it between Batman Returns and Consulting Detective II, but I pushed off after being warned that I would want to savor it. Beyond that, I don’t know all that much about the game itself. It was distributed on the second Lost Treasures set, so I owned it but never started it even once, nestled as it was in a submenu next to Sherlock Holmes and Wishbringer. I have since learned that it is considered one of Infocom’s finest works, but that is a reputation I was unaware of then and which I look forward to discovering the truth of now.

Boom, boom! Ain’t it great to be crazy?

The title of the game comes from the Trinity site, the location of the first ever nuclear explosion in July 1945. Maybe you can blame my shoddy education, but I never learned much of this history in school. Of course, I knew about the Manhattan Project and the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki (and I recall seeing the Enola Gay at the Smithsonian on one of my visits), but as for the history of the bomb, I was taught (or I remember) very little. That isn’t to say that the bomb wasn’t on our minds in the 1980s, but the threat of the bomb was a more immediate concern than the history of said bomb. I was in second grade in 1986 and not fully aware of what was going on in the wider world. When I was older, we were taught that Pittsburgh, where I grew up, would likely be a secondary target for the Soviets because of our capacity for (if not active development in) steel production. It was believed around the dinner table that our mountainous terrain would decrease the damage and keep us safe. I recall being told that people moved to the south of the city because it would be safer there in the event of a bombing. It’s likely that nothing I just wrote was actually true, only the musings of scared people telling half-truths to other scared people. Nuclear bombs were on our minds, but we were not educated about the bomb and what would really happen in the event of a strike. Thankfully, none ever came.

An included comic fills in much of my missing history, although I’m not qualified to say what may have been exaggerated or adjusted for effect. It documents in a campy and jingoistic way the history of atomic energy from an apparently near-future perspective, as an informative (1950s-style) comic. The style reminds me of the Fallout games and I would not be at all surprised to learn that they were influenced by Trinity in some way. The history starts in 1938 when Nazi Germany was the first to split the atom. I had to look this up to make sure that this wasn’t alternative history because I certainly never learned that Germany was first. Niels Bohr wants the United States to harness that energy for a bomb and enlists the aid of Albert Einstein to press the point to President Roosevelt. Pearl Harbor was attacked, the Manhattan Project began, and the scientists at Los Alamos got to work on their bomb. Throughout it all, the refrain “It’s my patriotic duty.” is repeated. Even after Germany left the war and the threat of a rival atomic program was over, the United States continues building the bomb. The impetus was gone but the patriotic duty remained. It’s chilling.

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

The history lesson continues through the eponymous test at Trinity followed by the bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The panels are structured to hint that intimizating the Soviet Union, not defeating Japan, was the true goal of the bombings. Naturally, the United States monopoly on the bomb ends quickly and now we’re scared again because the “reds” have one too. So what to do? Build a bigger bomb! This leads to the tests on Bikini Island and further escalations. The comic transitions to “today”, a near-future world where the United States still performs underground tests (in reality, they ended in 1992) and has completed a Star Wars-style orbital defense system (unworkable with 1980s tech in real life, but functioning well here.) The story ends with a scene of children playing in Kensington Gardens and a general promising that all of the missiles and bombs that were built and stockpiled would never need to be used.

In addition to the comic, the game comes with instructions for folding an origami paper crane and a cut-out of a sundial. I expect that the sundial will be used as a form of copy protection, mostly because the instructions for the paper crane seem difficult to render in a text adventure. The manual ends with a well-written explanation for what we are getting ourselves into. It’s in spoiler territory, but I’ll repeat it verbatim anyway:

You’re neither an adventurer nor a professional thrill-seeker. You’re simply an American tourist in London, enjoying a relaxing stroll through the famous Kensington Gardens. When World War III starts and the city is vaporized moments after the story begins, you have no hope of survival.

Unless you enter another time, another place another dimension.

Escaping the destruction of London is not the end of your problems, but rather the beginning of new, more bizarre riddles. You’ll find yourself in an exotic world teeming with giant fly traps, strange creatures, and other inconveniences. Time and space will behave with their own intricate and mischievous logic. You’ll visit fantastic places and acquire curious objects as you seek to discover the logic behind your newfound universe. 

And if you can figure out the pattern of events you’ll wind up in the New Mexico desert, minutes before the culmination of the greatest scientific experiment of all time: the world’s first atomic explosion, code-named Trinity.

The development of this game took place over several years. It is well-known that Moriarty was thinking about the nuclear proliferation even during his Atari years and that these concerns informed the darkly pessimistic Crash Dive. The amount of research he poured into this game is tremendous: the manual lists forty texts in his bibliography. You will, I hope, forgive me for not reading them all before playing the game; I expect that most players wouldn’t have taken on the equivalent of a college-level course in nuclear history before playing! Moriarty actively developed the game at least since the summer of 1985 when he visited the Trinity site, Los Alamos, and several museums devoted to nuclear history. I’m told that he also visited Kensington Gardens, but I have not been able to verify that fact. (I have previously reached out to Mr. Moriarty for feedback, but I regret that he has not yet responded to my queries.) Infocom was taking a risk on Moriarty by allowing him to do another “political” game so soon after the previous one failed, but at least this one would have puzzles. (The New Zork Times article promoting the game goes out of its way to stress that yes, this is a game with puzzles.) How well will all of this come together? I know only one way to find out: Let’s play!

The adventure begins!

Our adventure begins in Kensington Gardens, part of Hyde Park in London. It’s a beautiful place that I have been to a half-dozen times, although never in a near-future dystopian fantasy. Our character has decided to leave his tour bus and camera behind in favor of seeing the sights on his own. The manual already told us that we’re about to be nuked, so it’s oddly tense. I have a pit in my stomach. It’s difficult to want to play this game.

North of our starting location is the Broad Walk where I am greeted by a flock of pigeons. An old woman sits nearby selling bags of crumbs to tourists for just 20p. I check my pockets and have only a 50p coin (as well as a nearly-expired credit card); am I supposed to get change first? I buy the crumbs anyway and she gives me a 20p coin in exchange. Just as in Wishbringer, we get a “beep!” sound and a notification that our score increased by one point. I’m one percent through the game! I like this feature and I hope that we see it in more Infocom games in the future.

I feed the birds some crumbs and– gasp!– there was a large ruby hidden in the bag. It slips between my fingers and lands on the ground. When I reach down to grab it, a roadrunner appears out of nowhere and snaps it up before running off to the east, racing between the legs of park-goers. Before I can even consider whether roadrunners are native to Britain (they are not), the old woman shouts, “It’s time!” and I score a few more points. My descriptions are not doing justice to a well-written game and a well-written sequence. It’s one part whimsy and one part tense, with a smattering of Alice in Wonderland-style strangeness. Moriarty is great at his craft!

I chase after the bird and find myself at the Round Pond, a charming area where children sail boats on the fountain while the ducks look on in disgust. The roadrunner continues as soon as he sees me, dodging baby carriages (“perambulators” or “prams” in London-speak) and disappears east once again. I follow him again to arrive at the Lancaster Walk. He scoots east again across a grassy lawn and I try to follow, but the game politely tells me to read the sign first. The sign says not to walk on the grass, but surely that notice doesn’t apply to roadrunners or adventurers? I follow that bird, but the grass reaches out and stops me! It’s some near-future attack grass and it deposits me back on the path. There’s no obvious way to follow our roadrunner friend any further.

Meep-meep. Phtttbt.

I’m Googling while I am playing, a luxury that the original players in 1986 would not have had. Moriarty is doing a fantastic job modeling the real Kensington Gardens. The statue of a horse and rider here on the Lancaster Walk, for example, is called “Physical Energy” and exactly matches the one in the real garden. As I stand there admiring the scenery, someone bicycles over the grass without a problem. Is that the trick? Do I need to find a bike?

North is the Lancaster Gate where an elderly Asian woman struggles to open an umbrella. I move to help her, but am taken aback by her face. It is, to use the game’s word, “wrong” and “badly scarred, as if in an accident”. It stops me in my tracks. I’m shocked at the crassness of our avatar, especially as the nature of the game and the lengths by which it goes to draw attention to her scarring suggests that she is a survivor of Hiroshima. I’m not sure if that works timeline-wise, unless we’re not as far in the future as I thought. A gust of wind takes the umbrella and lodges it into a nearby tree. The woman begins to cry before kicking the tree and walking off. Am I supposed to find a way to recover it for her and return it? I don’t see an obvious way at it either since I cannot climb the tree. I’ll come back later.

We cannot explore the full garden as we are blocked when we head in directions the game doesn’t want us to go, for example by indignant nannies to the east and a mob of tourists to the north. I explore south to the Flower Walk and discover a soccer ball discarded in the grass. Grabbing it increases my score by a point! Can I use it to dislodge the umbrella? The game goes out of its way to call out how ugly the nearby Albert Memorial is. It’s a statue of a guy on a horse and apparently was super ugly in the 1980s but has been restored now. I doubt I ever gave it more than a passing glance.

Tossing the ball at the umbrella dislodges it, but then I lose the soccer ball. I score five points, so it must be a good trade! It has a touristy slogan along the side, “All Prams Lead to Kensington Gardens”. (This is a slight paraphrase from an expression in J.M. Barre’s The Little White Bird, the first story to include a version of Peter Pan. All that research that I did for Hook is paying off!) I open the umbrella and am immediately blown eastward by the wind, knocking me into a group of nannies. There might be a Mary Poppins joke here someplace. I get the idea that you can perhaps use the umbrella to force your way across the man-eating grass, but the grass doesn’t seem to care that I am wind-powered and pulls me back anyway.

Heading west, we discover the Inverness Terrace. A boy sits nearby wearing headphones and blowing bubbles. When one pops, we are treated to a “popup” quote that appears in the top half of the screen:

“Atoms or systems into ruins hurled, / And now a bubble burst, and now a world.”

It’s all very poetic, but when I try to talk to the boy or take his headphones, he runs off. Was he rude for ignoring me? Or was I rude for bothering a kid just enjoying a summer’s day blowing bubbles in the park? I should have let him enjoy the last few minutes of his life.

Since time is running out, I resolve to explore and map the rest of the gardens:

To the west is the Black Iron Gate where a careless nanny has misplaced a pram. Fortunately, there is no infant inside. 

When I return to the pond with the sail boats, I discover that one of them is actually an origami crane, just as in the manual. I unfold it for a cryptic message: “Long Water, 4 PM.” It’s 3:44 PM now. 

Northeast of the Palace Gates is “The Wabe” with a strange sundial exactly like the one in our packaging. It is seven symbols on it and the sun’s shadow is currently pointing at the first symbol. Strangely, the first symbol is labeled with “Omega” and the last with “Alpha”. That seems backwards but perhaps suggests that we will be working our way further back in time? I don’t know enough of the Greek alphabet to recognise the rest of the letters.

Arriving at the sundial also gives us an Alice in Wonderland quote:

“And the ‘wabe’ is the grass-plot round a sundial, I suppose?” said Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity. “Of course it is. It’s called ‘wabe,’ you know, because it goes a long way before it, and a long way behind it. – Lewis Caroll

If I had to guess, I’d say that we had seven sections to this game, corresponding to the seven symbols. Will Kensington Gardens become something of a “hub” for me while I explore other times? I go to leave, but the game does some amazing hinting and I am alerted that the wind is causing the “gnomon” to scrape against the metal of the sundial. I discover that I can unscrew it and take it with me. What is a “gnomon”, you ask? It’s the triangular bit of the sundial that casts the shadow. Yes, I had to look that up in a dictionary to make sure it was a real word. “Wabe”, despite the Alice quote, means absolutely nothing; it is a fake word created for “Jabberwocky”.

I’m nearly out of time, but the whole of the park is only nine locations and I try everything I can think of. I work out that I can push the pram around, but that doesn’t allow me to impersonate a nanny adequately enough for one of them to let me pass. It’s not until 3:53 that I discover the trick: I can ride inside the pram! I have no idea how I fit, but apparently I squeeze in. By riding in the pram and unfurling the umbrella, I can “sail” across the killer grass to the Long Water! It’s easy except I crash, drop all my stuff, and break the pram. Oh well.

My map of Kensington Gardens.

Which doesn’t seem that far off from the real deal!

I check my watch and it is 3:59, but the second hand has stopped moving. I gather up my stuff when I notice that a missile hangs nearly motionless in the sky. I say “nearly” because it is actually falling very slowly towards the Long Water. In the center of the water is a strange white door. As I watch, some birds (unaffected by the time dilation) fly through the door to parts unknown. Obviously, my best choice is to “make like a tree and leaf” through the door. I wade through the water to get closer when the roadrunner from earlier runs by, still with the ruby in its beak, and disappears through the door. As the world is destroyed by nuclear Armageddon, I hear a voice telling me to “be quick”:

“This way, please.”

You turn, but see no one.

“This way,” the voice urges. “Be quick.”

The space around you articulates. “No!” your mind shudders, “That’s not a direction!”

“It’s a perfectly legitimate direction,” retorts the voice with cold amusement. “Now, come along.”

As we pass through the door via the “perfectly legitimate direction”, the prologue ends and we are finally given a proper title card:

A title screen!

I emerge from a door in a toadstool into a strange meadow. Far to the east, a meteor strikes. I’m not in London anymore, but that will be enough for today.

A few more bits and pieces:

I did not notice it while I was playing, but the Kensington Gardens comic panel in the manual depicts the old woman and her distinctive umbrella. Strangely, she is pushing around a pram but she did not have one in the game itself. Am I to surmise that she was the one that left it there for me to find? Or am I digging in too deep? 

That kid isn’t going to grow up either. :/

There is no indication as to when in the near-future this game takes place, at least not yet. Since Moriarty wasn’t psychic, he didn’t know that the Berlin wall would fall or that the Soviet Union would collapse (both in 1991). Our only clue is that the Star Wars defense system is up and running and the cost of a tour was $599. Not a lot to go on! If the old woman was scarred in the Hiroshima bombing (a stretch based on the clues so far, but I’m thinking that is what Moriarty is going for), that puts the upper bound somewhere between 2000-2020. We’ll see if the game offers further clues later or if we’re just supposed to interpret it as “Next Sunday, A.D.” to quote a somewhat less serious sci-fi classic. 

Time played: 1 hr 20 min Inventory: gnomon, piece of paper, bag of crumbs, small coin (20p), credit card, umbrella, wristwatch Score: 15 of 100 (15%)

Now it is time to guess the score! Looking at Moriarty’s scores to date, we have Adventure in the Fifth Dimension with 13, Crash Dive! with 20, and Wishbringer with 46. Infocom’s current average overall is 40 points, excluding the short tutorial game. He’ll also eventually write Loom, a game that we already scored as 65 and is currently tied for the tenth best game of all time on our site. Although I haven’t played it yet, it would be unfair of me not to mention that this is sometimes considered the best game Infocom ever created. My opinions may not match the general consensus, but I enjoyed this introduction portion well enough (even if I find the subject matter macabre) and I am curious to see how the game progresses.

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no CAPs will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. As this is an introduction post, it’s an opportunity for readers to bet 10 CAPs (only if they already have them) that I won’t be able to solve a puzzle without putting in an official Request for Assistance: remember to use ROT13 for betting. If you get it right, you will be rewarded with 50 CAPs in return. It’s also your chance to predict what the final rating will be for the game. Voters can predict whatever score they want, regardless of whether someone else has already chosen it. All correct (or nearest) votes will go into a draw.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/missed-classic-82-trinity-1986-introduction/

[ampwich-blog]

SPOILER review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Alright, I’m just gonna dive into spoilers and go all out. So if you haven’t seen this movie, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

My thoughts coming out of the theater: WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? By far, the WEIRDEST Star Wars movie ever! It made me feel like I was on an acid trip or some crap. All psychedelic and what not.....It didn’t help that I hadn’t gotten much good sleep prior, either. I had kept putting off seeing the movie until a day I was more AWAKE. But I decided to get it over with and just go see it already. And boy, is it a weird experience.....I had to actually pinch myself once to make sure it was all real and wasn’t some crazy dream. It is real....WHAT THE HECK. Rian Johnson, Lucasfilm,.....yall need Jesus, lol.

Anyway, let us actually begin.....

The title crawl......The main theme is better this time around. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s actually the theme used in the prequels. (At least, that’s what I could have swore my ears heard) Or at least, an updated version of that same tune, if that makes sense. The scenario the crawl introduces us to is absolutely horrible, in my opinion. The First Order are now in total control?? The Resistance are seriously just another rebellion? REALLY? They legit say it straight up in the crawl, and like a dozen times in a movie....THEY ARE REBELS. UGH.....so much for that good New Republic action.....

The way the movie starts off is pretty neat. I don’t quite remember it, but I do know it showed a bunch of Resistance ships, and panned down to D’Qar. Pretty cool, and I am glad they didn’t just do another star destroyer opening. I was a bit nervous it was just gonna rehash the original trilogy in that aspect.

The bombers leave the planet just as their base is blown away. (Well, I guess destroying a Death Star to save their base in the nick of time AGAIN was pretty pointless) While the ships are cool, they don’t do a whole lot as they just get destroyed all on the spot.....We only see 1 do ANYTHING, and all it does is destroy a frigate (Which has super lasers.....ugh, more super weapons?) before it, too, is blown away. (A lot of luck and chance involved in that whole scene, too) Well alrighty then.....

“This is Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet.” I got chills! I was like, “YEAH!!” “The Republic is gone, Rebel scum,” says Hux. (Something along those lines) I was like “AW, COME ON!” The conversation between Poe and Hux over the intercom was alright, but a little too comedic for a Star Wars movie. But that aside, it was pretty neat and funny. Poe makes a remark about Hux’s mom or something....kind of odd for Star Wars, but still legit, I suppose. Pretty funny moment, anyway. “Can...you hear me?” (Hux would have done a good job working for Verizon) Again, a little too silly, but oh well, fun moment. Hux is tossed around by Snoke (Who had a huge face hologram) from who knows how far away, which felt very rehashy of the Empire days. It took Vader, being the one who communicated with directly and commanded the officers.....and the Emperor, who is a scar faced dark sider who is the leader.....and basically combines those aspects to make Snoke. The First Order really IS another Empire. (And the Resistance really is another Rebellion) They totally act like it in the movie. UGH!!! More on all that stuff later.

They then go on this space chase with loads of First Order capital ships after this 1 Resistance ship and it’s support ships. (Man, the Resistance is WAY smaller than we imagined! And the First Order, likewise, is way bigger!) The whole movie basically revolves around the First Order ships going after the Resistance ships, since apparently the First Order has this new technology that allows them to track ships through hyperspace. (Getting some JJ Abrams’ Star Trek reboot vibes over here.....) So they basically just chase them until they will run out of fuel.....that was more or less the entire movie. Disappointing, yet alright at the same time. I don’t know how to feel about all this......

Finn and Rose go on this weird side quest to do.....THINGS. I honestly forgot what they went to do.....but it had something to do with this key or whatever to Snoke’s ship. They go to Canto Bight, this casino city. Which I thought was gonna be the Cloud City/Kamino of this movie, but apparently not too much, as there isn’t a bunch of landing platforms. The whole city is sort of a big circle-ish platform, SORT OF....so I guess it rhymes in that a little....The horse-thing riding was a bit lame. SO MUCH CGI! SO MUCH SILLY GEORGE LUCAS HUMOR! AAAHHHHH!!!! They had, in the process of running away from the police, freed a bunch of animals. (Basically, mirroring those horse races in real life. The track, the animals in stalls, the rich people betting.....the whole 9 yards) I am told (I was going to the bathroom at this point in the film, as I didn’t care too much about what was going on, and had to pee, lol) that Rose removes a saddle off of one of the creatures and says something like, “NOW our mission is complete.” THAT’S why SHE wanted to go? To save a bunch of “abused” animals? WHAT ABOUT THE SLAVE CHILDREN?! Screw them, I guess.....they’re not animals able to be ridden to escape. So basically, they just USED a bunch of animals for their own needs sake, and called THAT heroic. LOL, what......

Now, about the characters...

Speaking of Finn, he is much more chill in this movie. He was the in-your-face comic relief (Despite his tragic backstory) in the last movie, which I really disliked about his character. But I was pleasantly surprised to see how they treated his character in this movie. He blended in nicely, and was on the same “level” as the other characters. Toward the end, he decides to sacrifice himself to save his friends in the big hanger....place....on Crait. He is flying a ski speeder and going to ram into the big cannon.....I was like “NOO, FINN, NOOOO!” (I actually cared about his character! I’m shocked, too!) But here comes his new lover, Rose, to crash into him and save the day. Kind of ruined the moment, sort of, but oh well, at least he lives!.....? Rose just compromised the Resistance forces to save her crush.....interesting.....and in turn, they will be CRUSHED....ha. But I guess it ultimately all worked out in the end....sort of.....Finn’s sacrifice would have saved more lives though, and been a meaningful, heroic death. But you know.....this movie just isn’t about that life.....heroic, perfect opportunity deaths, what’s that, right? More on that later.

Rose is OKAY, I guess.....though a little crazy. I thought that was her in that bomber in the beginning, but apparently that was her sister. What up with those necklaces, though? Looked like 2 halves of the Rebel emblem, but it didn’t have the middle thing sticking up....basically a big U.....lol, I don’t know. Whatever it was, it looked pretty cool. Reminded me of the real life fan necklaces of the Rebel emblem in half, one side saying “I love you,” the other, “I know.” (AAWWEEE how romantic) This one in the movie, though, of course wasn’t a romantic thing, more like a sibling....bond....thing. By the way, I like how DJ later takes it, in this seemingly desperate situation of barter, but later gives it back, because turns out he just needed it as a conductor for a second, ha.

That new dude, DJ or whatever, is an interesting character. He’s this alcoholic (??) guy who somehow manages to escape jail (Along with Finn and Rose) and make a very not-so-clean getaway. (I mean, seriously....those horses went through walls like 3 times.....Which, by the way, the physics in this movie just defy logic, but more on that later) He turns out to be a traitor and sell them out to the First Order for them good credits....which was a bit odd and not done that well, but it is what it is, I guess. So long, DJ, we hardly knew ya. 

Poe and BB8 are alright in the movie. Poe seems to be this hot head who can’t seem to take orders well, and BB8 seems to show off more of his tools he’s got hidden inside that little sphere body of his. How is all that even possible, anyway? ALL those “fingers” and crap, on top of what was already in there, like that lighter he uses for thumbs up, etc.....How can all that fit in him? Eh, whatever. Poe also meets Rey for the first time (”OH YEAH, they haven’t met yet!” we all realize) which is pretty cool. Yeah.....that’s about it as far as he is concerned.

That new commander lady.....what’s-her-face.....I forgot her name. But anyway.....her character is alright, but kinda lame. She has this whole weird plan that is for the good of the Resistance, yet she acts like it’s this big secret and keeps Poe and everyone else in the dark, making us think she is this traitor person. (Kinda like that Jedi dude in The Clone Wars series) Which, honestly, would have made a way more interesting story. But nope, just a “good guy” with communication problems......The way she goes out, though, is AMAZING! We never seen anything like it. The ship crashing into the bad guys ships by light speed.....slicing through it all like a butter knife....making science question itself as the First Order’s fleet is pretty much obliterated in a weird, stunning, Fruit Ninja fashion. THAT is probably my favorite scene.....However, it should have been Leia who sacrificed herself. It would have been a perfect send away to her character. 

Leia.....She is quite underwhelming in this movie. She does little to nothing....which is a real shame, considering the actress, Carrie Fisher, has now passed away. :( Her last time on the big screen, she didn’t get to do much.....which is very sad and unfortunate. She does not die in this movie, when there was a few opportunities to do so that would have ended the character and done it justice! She could have gone out in a blaze of glory! That should have been her on the Raddius....Whatever-It’s-Called ship! And knowing her character, she would have stubbornly refused to let someone else sacrifice themselves, when she full well could have done so herself. But no.....she’s just like, “Yeah, alright, sure. Good knowing you,” after being convinced way too easily, and she just kinda escapes with everyone else. Before that, (Sorry, this is a bit out of order) she drifted off into space after the bridge was blown up. (Which, by the way, how is it just in tact later in the movie as if that explosion never happened? Am I missing something here? Did I see that right?) That was ALSO a good opportunity to kill her off. (But NO, she’s just still alive and they will have to explain her absence in Episode IX now, seeing as how Carrie Fisher is no longer with us) And what the heck happened there? She just floats in space, (Reminded me of that moment from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie) for a good few seconds, her skin glowing or whatever, and then she manages to use the Force, being all Superman-like, to get back to the ship. ??? WHAT?? Apparently, you can do that with the Force; attract yourself like a magnet to a location.....I shook my head in utter disbelief at that part. I was like “WHAT THE FRICK? BULLCRAP!” To quote Han: “That’s not how the Force works!” I’m sure many of you felt the same way. Did she pull the ship closer to herself, perhaps? No momentum to push herself forward, like all the characters in this universe had to do previously. Just.....WWOOOOOOSSSHHH, steps inside. WELL AIN’T THAT CONVENIENT?

Luke is AWFUL in this movie. He just went to that island to DIE?? He turned his back on the whole galaxy out of self pity, as I suspected. The Luke we knew from the original trilogy would never do that! As I said in my review of The Force Awakens, this is the same dude who stubbornly and stupidly put everything on the line twice just to save the ones he cared about. And now, he just gives up because his nephew went rogue? (For whatever reason...just....SNOKE....?) WHAT?! Unbelievable. Luke became a total coward! What was the deal with the map that led to him in the last movie? They never explain that! It was just kinda there.....for no reason.....He wanted to be left alone and wither away on that island planet. Who the heck created that map and why?? He also went a little crazy. Much like Yoda back in the day, he’s this insane old hermit. I swear, he’s just Mark Hamill wearing a Jedi robe now, the way the character speaks and acts. (Not intended as a diss on Mark Hamill, he’s awesome) And apparently you can just melt away brick buildings? To be fair, the buildings are probably centuries old and he is a powerful Jedi.....(More of a “what the?” moment, really).....The way he dies at the end, while great and cinematic....I guess.....is also a missed opportunity. At first, we are led to believe he somehow went to Crait, and now is walking out to face all those walkers. They fire everything at him, and he doesn’t die! Then, after his fake duel with Kylo, (Do they ever even touch lightsabers? Man, that is a weird sentence.....) it turns out he was never there in person. It was just him.....doing....whatever THAT was. (Astral projection? Making everyone think they saw him there through the Force? I DON’T KNOW) I guess he never did reunite with Leia after all. I mean, sort of, but not really. Were those dice he gave her in memory of Han fake, then? Or can one actually manipulate physical objects while Force projecting or whatever? Honestly, the whole thing was just so confusing and unneeded. He could have actually gone there and went out in a grand way. (Perhaps via his underwater X-Wing, lifting it out like Yoda had in the past. Flying in and surprising those walkers from behind, maybe crashing down into the hanger to join them on foot) But no...he just falls over and dies because he was too exhausted.....or something....It is in his genes to tragically die for no real reason, I guess. After all, his mother died of a broken heart or whatever. I was happy they remembered the lore about disappearing when one dies, though. However, that is only for people who learned that trick of retaining your identity after death. (For those who saw The Clone Wars series) Qui-Gon taught Yoda, Yoda taught Obi-Wan. I guess they taught Luke? Who knows. By the way, milking that weird cgi creature, and drinking it on the spot, was just gross.....A bit.....much......ha.

Speaking of Yoda, he is actually in this movie, it turns out. He looks SO WEIRD. I don’t know what effects they used for him, but it is painfully obvious that it ain’t practical. He looks so different.....less like all those movie versions (Fair enough he would look different here too, I guess, since his look changes a lot) and more like the version of him from the Rebels tv series. Just....WEIRD looking. Apparently, a Force ghost can materialize and physically effect things? Because he was able to hit Luke over the head with his cane, and even send fire to rain upon the old Jedi books or whatever. (Which, by the way, I guess he has since changed his outlet on all that stuff? Being dead now and all, I’m sure he’s had time to reflect and see the true nature of the Force? I don’t know......) If Force ghosts are so powerful, why don’t they ever help out? They can only give advice, I guess? But yeah, he is also pretty solid looking, (Not as in “good,” as in literally, SOLID) and only has a subtle blue glow around him, as opposed to what Force ghosts are SUPPOSED to look like. Weird......Disappointed that we never get to see Anakin, though. Or Obi-Wan for that matter. (Well, that reason is obvious, since the actor is long gone.....but they still could have done Anakin! Since in canon now, thanks to the special editions of the originals, he appears as his young, Hayden Christensen self. I wanna see his reaction to everything that happened......) 

Rey is pretty great in this movie. Especially her whole arc with Kylo Ren. She tries to convince Luke to come back and help the Resistance. (Which I totally predicted would happen....Luke walking away, saying he can’t/doesn’t want to, and Rey walking after him, trying to convince him) Though, surprisingly enough, she never did convince him. However, there also wasn’t any training going on, really. He trained her in “step 1″ or whatever for a couple minutes, but that was IT. All of a sudden, she is now a Jedi, I guess? She is just SO good at everything without any training. We all thought they would at least explain what made her powerful in the first movie. All THAT (What she did in The Force Awakens) could be excused and explained away, I suppose, but this movie definitely hits the nail in the....coffin? (Whatever that saying is)....and makes her even more of a Mary Sue. As for the questions about her origins, like who are her parents, what is her last name, where is she originally from, etc.....KIND OF answered, but not really. Apparently she is a nobody who was sold by her parents for drinking money......Well, there goes all those theories flushed down the toilet, lol. SHE IS A NOBODY? Then why was her family ties kept so mysterious in the last movie, as if she is special? Her last name is never mentioned, (Still not....) we never see what her parents even looked like, nothing. To add to that, everyone seemed to know who she was in the last movie. “If what you say about this girl is true....bring her to me,” Snoke said. Kylo Ren, at least in the book, from what I hear, is like “It IS you.....” Han seems to have a sort of idea who she is, and the way Luke looked at her at the end made it seem like he, too, knew who she was. Wasn’t it confirmed as such, by Lucasfilm themselves, that Luke knew when he saw her, who she was? Guess they changed their mind on all of that. I mean, she can still be someone special. Perhaps Kylo lied to her? 

I mean, anything is possible at this point. Which brings me to another point....Everything that happens in this movie isn’t predictable at all. EVERYTHING you thought you knew going forward was all a lie. Not saying that is good or bad, just saying you’re in for a surprise either way. I do like THAT, at least. How unpredictable this movie is, as opposed to the last movie, where everything was PAINFULLY obvious what the result would be. As soon as you think this movie will go left, BAM, it goes right. Now that aspect I can get behind! (They even mentioned the prequels a bit, regarding how the ignorance and hypocrisy of the Jedi allowed for someone like Darth Sidius to change the fate of the galaxy. I thought they were ignoring the prequels now, but I am relieved to know they aren’t, fully)

Kylo Ren is great in this movie. He is still conflicted, and still a main character, just like Rey is, despite him being a villain. He nearly kills his mom, but decides not to, since the light still has a hold of his soul. I imagine after killing his father, he is more conflicted than ever before. He definitely has some struggle going on. The way he goes about everything, especially as far as Hux and Snoke are concerned, is just intense. He makes them his....b words....and just moves on. It’s insane! Apparently he is the supreme leader of the First Order now.....interesting. We shall see how all THAT plays out. Mother’s army vs son’s army.....Despite him never amounting to his grandfather in terms of being a total boss of a villain, he is still ahead of him in terms of rank and progression. Vader was a slave his whole life....legally one in the hands of slavers during his childhood.....then a “slave” to the Jedi’s strict ways.....and later a slave to the Sith and Empire. He was never the full on LEADER of anything, really, in the grand scheme of things. Kylo, however, is now legit LEADING the bad guy faction. How crazy is that! He just easily kills his master, and full on DESTROYS his rivalry with Hux, basically slapping him in the face and making him bow to his wishes. WHAT A TWIST! Good or bad....I don’t know quite yet. But I can say I am curious what becomes of him in this next movie.....

(By the way, that whole meme...picture....whatever....thing....of him being shirtless, and having this over sized bulgy body was REAL! I thought that was just some random, silly meme someone made. But no, that’s his actual body! WHAT THE HECK? That HAS to be fake! NO WAY! Well, I mean, I think the meme picture thing exaggerated the proportion a bit, but it’s still bulgy and weird in the movie......Wow, listen to me....going on about a man’s shirtless body. This is weird......MOVING ON!)

Kylo and Rey have this weird connection through the Force, being able to not only talk to each other, but also SEE one another in real time. (Force Skype?) That is only one of the few “new” abilities of the Force that apparently exists. (Would have been helpful earlier in the saga, eh?) Turned out, though, it was all Snoke doing that....

Speaking of the devil, SNOKE......WHAT THE FRICK, LUCASFILM? So this butthead of a villain is apparently also nobody significant. I thought he was gonna make it to the end of the trilogy, and be the ultimate bad guy to face later. The ultimate end villain of the saga. Perhaps the dark side itself personified....this....ancient entity of pure evil. NOPE! SLICE! He is dead now, in this crazy twist. As awesome as that twist is in a way, I would still like to know.....WHO THE HECK WAS HE?? Why is yet another dark side Force user leading the bad guys once again? What the HECK does this guy have to do with the extremist remnant faction that is the First Order? From my current knowledge, (That the movies never even talk about) the First Order was formed by Imperials who had fled into the unknown regions, after having been defeated by the now restored Republic, at the end of the Galactic Civil War. They had now sought revenge against the “Rebel scum,” and formed a new organization. This time, they would remove all weaknesses the Empire had, and stop at NOTHING to destroy the Jedi and Republic once and for all. Where the heck does SNOKE fit into all that?! He didn’t even need to be a character at ALL! Take him out of the equation, and the story is still pretty much the same. (I guess, apart from seducing Ben Solo to the dark side, but you could explain that otherwise) You could have had, instead of yet another pale, scarred dark sider.....(Rehashing the Emperor, much? Where did Snoke even GET all those scars and crap?) he could have been some leading general or something, who wanted Kylo Ren as an asset. (Him being from the bloodline of the mighty Vader, after all, as Snoke said) The way he dies, while an awesome twist, is just kinda lame in regard to his character. Here is this, apparently, omnipresent and unstoppable being, brought down by an object that he just kinda ignored, that was turning RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and about to ignite. He could sense EVERYTHING, but apparently not THAT? He can pretty much read peoples thoughts, and control the gravity around them, even from across the galaxy! He can sense EVERYTHING, so it seemed. Then they went all Darth Maul with his death....unbelievable. I’m sure he’ll be back in one way or another. Whether his ghost, or some contingency plan like the Emperor had, or WHATEVER. They can’t just introduce an insane character like him and NOT do something significant and major. We’ll see what happens, I suppose.....If nothing else, at LEAST explain who he was, and why he was leading the First Order to begin with. Please tell me we won’t have to pay for the “DLC” (Books, etc.) to unlock the full story of the movies......

General Hux.....he was alright in the movie. Just kind of a stereotypical “Imperial” officer guy, though, but still the Hux we knew from The Force Awakens. Really nothing much to his character other than that.....I found it hilarious how Kylo Ren just shot down their rivalry and made him lesser than in rank. Pretty funny.....

Captain Phasma SUCKS in this movie, too! She apparently survived being thrown into a trash compacter on a base that got completely destroyed a short while later, 0 explanation given. She just....kinda shows up out of nowhere, “REMEMBER ME?” and has a last stand against Finn. The fight between them was pretty epic, don’t get me wrong, but was very out of place. Then she dies just as stupidly as she was used in this trilogy. Granted, at least it was more of an honorable and epic looking death than being TOLD she was thrown somewhere.....Still, a VERY disappointing character. We never even get to see her face.....really. I mean, part of her mask is ruined and we see her eye....but never her face with her helmet removed, like the promo pictures showed. All around, just an unneeded and awful character. What a crappy villain.

The First Order in general is treated like the Empire in this movie. I guess the people who worked on this movie didn’t see The Force Awakens or get the memo about the era? Even still, I like how toward the end of the Battle of Crait, both sides seem to be rusty and toward their end. I thought they could easily both stop fighting and shake hands any second, realizing the greater good. (You know, one of THOSE cliches) Similar to how in real life back in World War I (Was it?) two sides just started singing Christmas songs, and they both stopped fighting and came together for that 1 day. That didn’t happen in the movie, however. The First Order kept trying to kill the Resistance off, but still, I got the vibe it could end right there at any moment, is what I mean....when they seize fire, and it’s Kylo Ren vs Luke having that stare down conversation. The First Order actually seemed SMALL again, in that moment, as opposed to this mighty reestablished empire the movie presented it as in the beginning. However, they are sort of more like the Separatists at times, seeing all these dang super weapons they got. The big cannons on the Dreadnaught....frigate....pizza slice ship......thing.....The crazy artillery of the Supremacy.....just to name a couple. There was also that battering ram, miniature Starkiller cannon at the Battle of Crait.....All that just reminded me of the Separatists in The Clone Wars series, ha. I guess make the Separatists this smaller, human faction, and give them the ideals and attitude of the Empire, and you get the First Order. Interesting...

So by the end of the movie, the Resistance is apparently a new rebellion now, and ALL OF THEM can fit inside the Millennium Falcon.....I don’t know HOW they are ever going to defeat the First Order, but knowing how plot armor works, I’m sure it’ll be done somehow. I almost think they won’t win in the end, and the First Order will reign supreme in the galaxy. A weird sort of dark, yet oddly hopeful, potential ending to the Skywalker saga. I don’t know how to feel about it, really. The movie broke me!

The movie ends showing these slave boys on Canto Bight, one having the Rebel ring Rose had given him. He looks up to the stars as the distant Millennium Falcon (Which apparently can sort of be seen at that distance?? Geez, I can’t even see Mars when I look up.....lol) speeds away into hyperspace. A neat ending, but a little crappy. I guess we’re just stuck with the Rebellion again......There goes our chances of EVER seeing the New Republic military in action on the big screen. But even still, oddly enough, I found myself kind of LIKING the movie by the end. I found myself being oddly okay with the choice to go back to Rebels vs Empire again. The way they went about it and appear to be heading with the last movie, I get it now. I can finally see what they are going for, and I think I can get behind it. It’s like the END all be all. The end of our rope....Everything has been pretty much destroyed, and here we are in a hopeless yet hopeful situation. Wars can definitely change things for the worse in the long run. 

I am a bit dumbfounded about the whole scenario all over again. (I know, I know, I keep mentioning it. Just bear with me!) It makes the original trilogy and all that happened prior POINTLESS. Jyn Erso and the Rogue One team sacrificing themselves, getting the plans to the Death Star....and Luke later destroying it despite all the odds.....The Rebels having a major struggle against the mighty Empire that is pushing back.....Luke going to save his friends, and putting everything on the line.......The many Bothans that died to bring the Rebels the information that would ultimately lead to a final showdown, with all the Rebels got vs the Empire.....Luke finally managing to bring his father back to the light, and with COUNTLESS losses, to destroy yet another Death Star....and finally bring an end to the Empire once and for all..........EVERYTHING was all for nothing. I mean, first of all, in the last movie, an even BIGGER Death Star comes along, so that’s pointlessness number 1. The Republic was destroyed, so there goes what the Rebels worked hard to restore, pointlessness number 2. NOW, it’s just another rebellion vs the new empire, this mighty First Order, and it’s not looking good for them.....WHAT WAS THE POINT OF IT ALL? That one lady even says in this movie that the Resistance (New rebellion? WHATEVER) is fighting to restore the Republic. AGAIN??? The Rebel Alliance already did that years before! WHAT THE HECK EVEN MATTERS ANYMORE? Same goes for the new Jedi Order, and everything else.

The “rhyming.”.....It doesn’t really do that great of a job. And no, I am NOT complaining that it was “too different.” (More on that after this) As far as the middle movie of a trilogy, it didn’t really do things WELL, as far as fitting like a puzzle and poetry....crap. First of all, the title. The last 2 middle movies are 4 words long, and have something to do with the offense of the stormtrooper faction. This title is just about the last Jedi person.....Granted, if it was something like, “The First Orders Retaliation,” or something along those lines, it would definitely be a rip off of The Empire Strikes Back. So, I guess there wasn’t too many good options for the title. Now for the events in the movie. There is no space chase through an asteroid field, (There is a chase, but no asteroids, according to my memory) no place surrounded by landing platforms, (I guess Canto Bight sort of was 1 giant circle?.....) no Fett flying the Slave 1, (Or at the very least, a bounty hunter showing up to assist the bad guys. I guess, “law breaker dude?” DJ? I don’t know) etc. There IS, however, a battle in a wasteland, with walkers involved. I was afraid that the Battle of Crait was going to rehash the Battle of Hoth, but much to my surprise, it didn’t. I thought they were going to have to find a weakness in the walkers to exploit again, but nope. I am glad! As for the traditions that comes with every movie....I don’t remember anyone saying, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.....” I heard it was BB8 at the beginning? But does that really count, though? We can’t understand him! No subtitles, even! I also don’t recall hearing a Willhelm scream anywhere. Granted, I did go to the restroom once, (While Finn and Rose were running from the police on those horse things) so maybe those things happened during that time? Or perhaps I overlooked it, one ear and out the other, so to speak. Aside from the Battle of Crait and the space chase, (Not involving asteroids, I don’t think) it didn’t really rhyme with The Empire Strikes Back and Attack of the Clones. I may have to see it again. Perhaps I missed a lot of aspects. But yeah, the whole “rhyme” thing is more of a minor nitpick. Believe me, I am NOT complaining that we get something completely new and different. That was exactly what I was hoping for, after the last movie left a bad taste in my mouth. Though, I mean....does it really HAVE to be all the way left or all the way right? Either total blatant rehash or no “rhyming” at all? Can’t we just be somewhere in between, where it’s new and different, but still carries those traditions? That is all I ask. Again, not complaining. If modern Disney-fied Lucasfilm can only pull off one or the other, all the way left or right, I will choose the one that doesn’t rehash any day. So for that, at least, I breathe a sigh of relief.

By the way, just a side note; there is some curse words and a little bit of potentially crude humor in this movie. I was a bit shocked. Instead of being for kids and something in there for adults, or for both in general, it seemed more like it was for adults, with some things for kids sprinkled in. Though as far as I, myself, am concerned, I don’t care. I mean, I’m an adult for one thing, so yay for me, lol. But I never really minded that stuff. You get that sort of thing with comic book movies, as well. A lot of people still take their kids to see those superhero films, so why not this? It isn’t even as bad as I am probably making it seem, really. Just an observation I had. Do with that info what you will.

All in all, this movie sucked, yet it was alright for what it was, ultimately. I don’t know, it all felt like a dream. From the weird visuals and humor, to the outright crazy twists in the plot, this whole movie was just a WEIRD experience. I am glad they did things differently, though. However, different doesn’t always automatically mean the movie itself is good. I hate that argument that fanboys make against other fanboys. (”The haters”) “You complained it was too different, (Prequels) now you’re complaining it’s too similar. (The Force Awakens) And NOW you’re complaining it’s too different again! You guys can never be happy, can you?” WRONG! I wish this argument would just DIE already. It’s flawed, it’s way too simplistic, and makes no sense. Nobody is complaining that this movie is different. (At least, I’m not) If you even tried to pay attention and hear people out, you would know that. The complaints (At least, from me) are about the plot, the visuals, the characters, etc. I LIKE how it is different! THAT, I applaud. It was actually one of the highlights of this experience for me. I like how it didn’t rehash. But again, just because it is DIFFERENT does not automatically mean it is a GOOD movie. WAY too black and white of a view to hold. Rehashing is BAD, always, in my opinion. But different, while the very fact it is different is good, can still end up as a bad movie. Depends how it’s made, and what happens in the movie. I think this movie is just one BIG miss. SO much missed opportunities, so many plot holes, CGI overload of visuals, out of place humor, and crappy treatment of beloved characters. That’s not to say this movie was a TOTAL disappointment, however. There definitely was some enjoyable parts. The more I made myself feel like I was watching a parody and whatever happened didn’t effect my “fandom....ness,”...the more I actually found enjoyment. When the humor and weird visuals came along, I laughed AT it as opposed to with it. So, looking at it as a silly parody of a movie, or I guess, as an “outsider,” I actually enjoyed it more. Because when I care TOO MUCH and am too invested in this fictional universe, I end up hating it and saying “SCREW YOU DISNEY! YOU RUINED STAR WARS! AAHHHH.” Which is kind of true, lol, but still. We have to remember this is all fiction and does not matter in reality. It’s JUST a movie. Looking at it that way, I find myself to enjoy this new generation of Star Wars just a little more. Anyway, excuse my rambling, I probably lost you.

(By the way, “The Force Awakens.......The Last Jedi.......From Slumber?” HA, I don’t know. Just an idea)

I will give this movie, I guess......a 5/10. It failed, and it succeeded, simultaneously. All around, it is a wacky, just....WEIRD Star Wars experience. You will have to see it to decide for yourself. (If you’re reading a spoiler review without having seen it, I mean.......??) You will, for sure, leave the theater, wondering what it all means.....wondering what the heck your eyes and ears just beheld. You may question what this galaxy far, far away really is all about. At the very least, crappy or great, we have to admit that this movie sparks discussion. Some crazy good fan conversations are on the horizon, that’s for sure. There has been an awakening.....have you felt it?

[officialleehadan]

Procyon Moon

Andra was thinking about her ship’s navigation system in excruciating detail.

Really, there was no better way to drown a telepath than to focus hard on a detailed task that didn’t allow for any additional thoughts to sneak to the surface.

Cygnus Volans was a legend. His telepathy could reach across the galaxy if he really tried. He could rip apart a Destroyer with his mind, and had enough precognition to make shooting him a serious challenge.

He was also the leader of the Blood Star Mercenaries, renowned for their psionic abilities and their truly, shockingly, high price tag.

Senator Ursa had brought him along as heavy-handed insurance to make sure the peace treaties between the Edge worlds and the Inner worlds went smoothly.

Probably for the best. An assassination attempt wouldn’t be a bad option, and Senator Ursa was one of the most influential senator of the era. If he died here, the Edge Revolution stood a real chance of overthrowing the Inner World Consortium.

But that wasn’t Andra’s concern. She was a pilot, and mechanic, and a decent hand on a fight, but political assassination was a little above her pay grade.

For now, she was thinking about her navigation system. Specifically, the programming console, which had been buggy for the last few solar weeks.

Low laughter caught her attention, and she looked up to meet the odd grey-green-gold eyes of the very man who was the cause of her mental preoccupation.

He was watching her, and there was suddenly a polite tap on her mind, like a request for admittance.

(If you expect me to believe you haven’t been reading my mind this whole time, she thought casually, and imagined a door opening up a crack. If he really wanted in, her low-grade telepathy wasn’t going to keep him out. It was nice that he was being polite. (You’re somewhat deluded.)

He snorted in amusement and his lips curled up at the edges. People, including Ursa, looked at him, and were largely ignored.

(Of course I was,) he replied in a lighter mental ‘voice’ than she had expected from a man his size. (But you’re the first person here to pick a preoccupation that is actually interesting.)

(Interesting, but not effective?) she fired back, dismayed. She had hoped the detailed thought project would be enough. (Damn.)

Probably she should be more upset, but honestly, she hadn’t really expected it to work all that well. It was decent for chasing low-level telepaths out. Cygnus Volans was nobody’s idea of low-level

Although apparently picking a unique topic was distracting enough to derail him. That was... interesting.

(You aren’t very afraid of me,) he noted curiously as he prodded at her thoughts. Andra imagined a flyswatter coming down on his fingers in vivid detail, and he had to fight back laughter again. (That was rude.)

(So is digging through my mind without permission.)

(You allowed me in.)

(Only because you might blow the door off the hinges if I didn’t.)

She accompanied that with more vivid imagery, this time of a cheap screen door falling off the hinges on its own and then spontaneously lighting on fire.

Ursa glared over his shoulder when the feared leader of the Blood Star Mercenaries started laughing behind him. The negotiations were at a particularly sensitive, and solemn, moment.

“Apologies,” Cygnus excused himself as he got himself under control. “An errant thought. Nothing more.”

(Rude,) Andra said cheerfully, confident he could still hear her. (Aren’t you supposed to be protecting him?)

(If someone doesn’t get to killing him soon, I’m going to have to do it myself,) he replied with a decidedly put-upon huff of annoyance. (Although it might be difficult to get paid if I kill him in front of all these witnesses.)

(You don’t care about the peace?) That was an odd thought. The revolution had been underway for nearly fifteen years. She had thought everyone had a stake in it. (Why not?)

(I’m a mercenary and I live on a space station,) he said, with the mental equivalent of a shrug. She eyed him from across the room, and he tilted his head just slightly in her direction. (It’s good to have work.)

(Innocent people are dying.)

(So? Unless they try to kill my Contract, they aren’t my problem and if they do, they aren’t innocent.)

Andra hid a growl. He might be able to get away with disturbing the meeting, but she was just a pilot, and definitely couldn’t.

Alarm suddenly blared across their open connection and Andra jerked back as Cygnus tensed suddenly and his mental ‘touch’ went sideways into a yawning pit. He had an iron grip on her mind, and she couldn’t figure out what happened until the images started to come, almost too fast to parse.

Across the room, Cygnus started to seize.

“What-!” Ursa said, and shot to his feet, but Andra was already moving, urgency making her bold.

“Precog!” She hollered, and elbowed her way through dignitaries and officials to Cygnus just in time to catch him as he keeled out of his chair. “He’s having an episode!”

The whirl of images threatened to pull her in, and Andra anchored herself, cursing somewhere in the back of her mind.

If this was what high-level precognition was like, she wanted none of it, thank you very much.

After a few heartbeats, she managed to get a look at some of what he was Seeing, and it left her cold.

Ships. Thousands upon thousands of ships that Andra had never seen before, that moved like angry bees and flooded towards them, so many they blotted out the sun. Behind them came bigger ships. Carriers and destroyers, each enough to dominate a planet alone.

They were coming. A force greater than anything their part of space could hold off.

Through the haze, Cygnus realized she was there, in his mind. He somehow used their connection to haul himself out of the vision and back into waking life, taking her with him.

(Thanks,) his mind voice felt fragile and shaken. That was fair. She felt that way too. (I didn’t mean to drag you in.)

Before Andra could reply, he sat up, face tight and drawn.

“Your peace treaty no longer matters,” he said into the stunned silence. “Nothing else matters except rallying our forces as fast as we possibly can.”

“Why?” Ursa asked. He, at least, was taking Cygnus seriously. That was good, because Andra still couldn’t find words for what they had seen. “What did you see?”

“Invasion,” Cygnus rasped, and his hand closed around Andra’s wrist where her hand rested on his shoulder. His finger were cold and clammy with sweat, and shook almost imperceptibly. “An invasion is coming, and they want to kill us all.”

+++

Uncollected:

Awaken History

Command.Awaken

Isle of Monsters

One Punch Man

Stonebreaker Caldera

Hot Potato, Hot Potato

Vigilante Vampire  

Crawlspace

Blood on the Walls

+++

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[type2diabetestreatments-blog]

Another Iceberg Ahead? The 411 on Diabetic Autonomic Neuropathy

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/another-iceberg-ahead-the-411-on-diabetic-autonomic-neuropathy/

Another Iceberg Ahead? The 411 on Diabetic Autonomic Neuropathy

Just like the mythical creatures Cyclops could supposedly see the hour of their deaths, anyone with diabetes can look at grim mortality statistics and know what the Grim Reaper will likely be driving when he shows up at the door.

On average, it’s not diabetes that kills us. It’s heart attacks.

That’s hardly a headline. Everyone knows this. Even if they conveniently choose to forget it. But here’s the shocker: It might not be garden-variety cardiovascular disease driving those heart attacks. Instead, it could be the most widely prevalent complication you’ve never heard of: Diabetic Autonomic Neuropathy, or DAN for short. Medscape calls it “the most common and troublesome complication of diabetes.”

Really? Then why haven’t most people with diabetes ever heard of it?

Yo, DAN!

Neuropathy in general is well understood by D-folks. It’s damage to nerves, usually from elevated blood glucose. But when most of us think of neuropathy, we tend to think of peripheral neuropathy, the cursed demon that can either remove all sensation from feet and hands or short circuit the nerves causing horrific phantom pains.

DAN is actually a subset of peripheral neuropathy, but one that damages the cells of the body’s autonomic nervous system, the autopilot that controls things like normal breathing, digestion, pumping of blood, sexual response (sorry, ladies, it really is beyond our control), and even sweating! The nerve cells of the autonomic nervous system are connected to every major organ system in your body, so it doesn’t take much imagination to see how damage to them can result in widespread ills.

Symptoms

Dr. Aaron Vinik of Eastern Virginia Medical School and his colleagues report about DAN in their Seminars in Neurology on Medscape: “Although involvement of the autonomic nervous system is generally diffuse, symptoms may be confined to a single target organ or organ system.”

So DAN is everywhere under the surface, like the Dark Side of the Force in Star Wars, but it tends to rear its ugly head in just one spot.

Which organ systems are the common “targets"? The cardiovascular system, the digestive system, and the genitourinary system—your sex urinary organs. How would possible DAN problems in those areas reveal themselves?

Warning signs that DAN has moved into your cardiovascular system to stay are rapid heartbeat and exercise “intolerance,” or light-headedness on rising. Digestive issues show up as constipation and gastroparesis. And a whole host of sexual dysfunction and urinary issues can also be traced back to DAN in many circumstances.

I had wondered about the lungs, as they are one of the few bodily systems that function on autopilot and can also be controlled voluntarily. Apparently, DAN can wrap its tentacles around your lungs as well, and can have a bigger negative impact than cigarette smoking. Add DAN to smoking, and you’re really in trouble!

In rare cases there is apparently a “super DAN,” involving the entire autonomic nervous system, and affecting virtually every organ in the body!

I can’t even imagine how much that would suck.

How Common is DAN?

I’m glad you’re sitting down, because the experts estimate that on average, 20% of persons with diabetes are suffering from DAN. That’s scary enough, but in some subsets of our population the numbers are much worse. Ninety percent of potential recipients of a pancreas transplant have DAN’s cousin CAN, or Cardiovascular Autonomic Neuropathy. But before you write that group off as hopelessly poorly controlled, consider that 7.7% of people newly diagnosed with type 1 already have CAN.

Testing for DAN

How is DAN diagnosed? It depends on which of your body systems is giving you trouble, but generally blood tests are run to rule out other health issues that can masquerade as DAN. Imaging such as SPECT and PET scans can be used to check for heart dysfunction. Tilt table tests are run for blood pressure response studies (remember that maintaining blood pressure is an automatic function). What’s a tilt table test? You are strapped to a flat table, which is then abruptly rightened to see if you faint. Seriously. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

To dig deeper into organ function, electrical stimulation studies, nerve conduction studies, and electromyography—which I’d never heard of and had to look up here at Healthline—are used. Apparently electromyography is a method for electrically measuring the speed of nerve and muscle response.

Then there’s the thermoregulatory sweat test, or TST. Apparently they cover you in a red powder made of alizarin and then they turn up the thermostat. Alizarin turns from red to purple when it’s wet, and cameras are used to map color change. Areas that stay red aren’t sweating correctly, suggesting DAN. Again, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Doppler probes can be used to study blood flow. Urine residual volume can be measured by “urethral catheterization after voiding.”

Ouch!

And on it goes, each test more exotic and barbaric-sounding than the last. But once you are diagnosed, then what?

What Can You Do?

Just like with other neuropathies, there’s no cure or keystone treatment for DAN, although depending on what issues the DAN is causing for you, individual symptoms can sometimes be addressed and improved.

So what’s our take-home message? Do we just throw up our hands and give up?

If ever there were a condition that triggers feelings of hopelessness, it’s neuropathy. And neuropathy of a part of your body you can’t control in the first place... That does seem to be a double whammy.

But The Foundation for Peripheral Neuropathy points out that an estimated 40 million Americans suffer from some sort of peripheral neuropathy, that treatments are always evolving, and that there is always hope.

Even if this form of neuropathy may be like an iceberg, lurking beneath the surface, it doesn't mean you can't avoid it and steer clear. You don't have to end up like the Titanic. And to cap off my similes, just like the mythical Cyclops, which gave up an eye to get a glimpse of the future, we cannot begin to envision what tools and treatments await us in the future.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

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