#just living in a fantasy where it didnt matter. that's the fun of a work crush for me: escapism

[ishizizzle]

my work crush has a girlfriend

[lawluenvy]

something a lot of people dont understand:

multishipping is just more fun!!!

why the fuck not? don't you love your little buddy? aren't you so in love with x character yourself that you imagine that everyone else must fall/be in love with them too?

like i know that lawlu will never happen but i love it anyways. cuz why the fuck not? why the fuck not imagine that law has fallen head over heels for the monkey boy that barelled into his life and saved it asking for nothing in return and trusting you when all logic says he probably shouldn't? why become invested in your pirate rival's future and wellbeing enough to go to the war you happened to hear he started and save him before he kills himself out of recklessness? you met exactly once before this. why do you care law??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!

you know what other one piece ship i love that has real concrete basis for? (altho censorship and heteronormativity may still prevent it of course) --- zolu!!!! undying love and devotion and trust in one another??? captain and first mate???? the only man Mr. Greedy Gut Luffy himself would ever/has ever offered to share his food with????? incredible.

multishipping is just fun y'all! shipping isn't/shouldn't be all about what is actually realistic or has basis or is the most "moral" based on real world modern standards

it's just fun to take two or more characters you love and try to imagine "hm how would this happen/work?" cuz WHY NOT?

just because i believe that zolu is legit and beautiful and endgame does not invalidate my wholehearted belief that law is in love with luffy and my desire to imagine "what if luffy liked law back?"

alright?

it's just fun y'all. fandom is supposed to be fun and an escape from the terrible disappointment that is real life - i'm so tired of people trying to bring real life into it. get your ugly ass reality out of here alright!? i'm here for the fantasy!!! i'm here for the "anything is possible!!!"s not the "actually this ship makes 0 sense for x and y reasons so you shouldn't be shipping that- people should be shipping my monoship only cuz it's more valid" like stfu no one cares you sound like a conceited loser

by all means if multishipping isnt for you cuz you just LOVE this ONE SHIP SO MUCH you can't picture anything else (so valid tbh) then alright you may ship what you wish how you like it of course buuuuut:

don't shit on other people's ships like fandom engagement is just some contest of moral superiority??? like??? who the fuck?

get out of here with that. so boring- if we wanted real life post-modern late stage capitalist "everything is a competition" and the heteronormative christian monogamy that simultaneously condemns but endangers individuals to manipulative and toxic relationship dynamics that is embedded within it --- why would we be here in the first place??? if that's what you want then why are YOU here?

i wish i lived in a world where it didnt fucking matter that luffy is only 18 because why should that matter? of course i know why in our reality it would be something to be concerned about but in one piece? on the grand line? where people can be made entirely of rubber or metal blades or goddamn smoke? and where law and luffy are in the same pirate generation and have obvious and clear respect for each other???

why on earth would i ever want to and choose to view lawlu in the problematic light of our fucked up contemporary where by its standards if luffy is only 18 and law is 26 then one would assume law must clearly just be taking advantage of luffy's naïvety cuz that's what people in this reality are most often like --- when the ONE PIECE REALITY is that law views luffy as his equal and is a MUCH BETTER REALITY! like why would you want to bring what sucks about our world into theirs??? it's not like luffy's pubescent like what is your problem??? y'all infantalize him so much when you do this and it's gross. he's a whole ass man with big dreams and a big ship and a big destiny - get outta here with that real life bullshit.

anyways.

i could rant about shipping discourse literally forever cuz its a subject that sadly never ends.

this applies to so many different ships in so many different fandoms but im just using lawlu vs. zolu as an example because the absurdity of one piece is just such an excellent demonstration of why applying our world's standards on fantasy worlds is a stupid waste of time

stopping forcing things into your black and white boxes of good and bad. shit's "grey" and rainbow as fuck. i look outside the window of my office right now and i see a world that is literally not black in white - there is colour everywhere. your rigid standards don't even work here despite the machinations of society demanding it must be so- and they definitely don't work in worlds that dont exist

fuck your real world problems when we're talking about fantasy worlds

i choose to spend my time in fantasy worlds cuz i fucking hate it here on our doomed planet earth

fantasy is so much better than here

let people have their fantasies - it is literally harming no one

[dragqueenpentheus]

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

[kendrixtermina]

On the great selfishness of forced “reconcilliation”or, what’s in it for me? (A Thinkpiece)

It’s very clear and easy to see what he would get out of it: A great relief to his ego, self-image and pride. A feeling of attaining his goal. He’d no longer have to explain to himself or anyone why his daughter isn’t speaking to him. He would be more comform with the image and values he wants to attain. He would have piece of mind. 

I’m even gonna be generous and grant that he would feel happy about the connection and being able to show his love, though I personally don’t buy it. 

But what do I get? 

A common retort here tends to be that I’d get “peace of mind”, and I grant that this can be true for a person who hates conflict and feels distres from disharmony, but I am really quite comfortable with some conflict. I don’t care to be friends with everyone. I get that not everyone will like me, and I’m fine with that. 

It’s actually rather arrogant for someone to inflate their own importance to the point that they think your mentsal wholeness, hapiness and peace of mind depends wholly on themselves - like all your other relationships, your job,  your hobbies and any self-improvement efforts you might be  doing don’t matter at all. It’s jarring that anyone would think claiming that would make you forgive them, especially if your initial complaint was that they are arrogant and treated you as an extension of themselves rather than a whole person. They’re claiming that they changed and in the same breath showing that they still think your life revolves around them, that they get to have the relationship by default without ever having to build it. 

And even such a person for whom forgiveness would bring piece of mind could just forgive the person in the quiet of their own heat for their own betterment without reestablishing relations. They wouldn’t be keeping to themselves because of a grudge, but simply because there is no good reason to connect. 

Do you need a reason?

Well, if you didn’t, then you would have to connect to every single person who has not given you reason to loathe them. That’s impossible. 

Consider that there are seven billion human beings on this planet. Most of them I will never meet. I couldn’t be friends with all of them even if I wanted. We all have limited time and energy. So, I have to pick some.

And to pick all the ones who just happen to be nearby seems like leaving a very important part of your life up to randomness. Your social contacts, after all, influence what values ideas you’re exposed to and what kind of support is available to you, and what experiences and energies you invite into your life.

It makes sense to first consider your family: They’re already nearby, you get to know them very well by virtue of living together, they’re biologically programmed to get attached to you, and they are likely to have things in common with you.

So if you know nothing else, it makes good sense to assume that a family member is a good candidate for a social contact. 

But there are also family members who are NOT good choices for company. I think most of us can agree to this as a principle at least for extreme cases like rape. 

So, it’s rather like this: A family member is a good candidate for social contact unless proven otherwise. 

If we were like god who can be everywhere at once and needs nothing and never gets tired, then maybe we could be friends with everyone who is not an irreedemable sinner, but I am not god. 

Any relationship costs time and energy. Yet, this can be very worthwhile, because human relationships also have great benefits.

For a relationship to be worth keeping up, the benefits have to equal or outweigh the work. 

In our christianity-influenced culture it is still considered shameful to admit that you “want” something out of a relationship, but really, all of us do - that’s why we start and maintain relationships. Not being aware of that makes us blind.

By ‘benefits’ I don’t just mean shallow things like sex, attention or status. If you are longing for deep, meaningful experiences, that’s your benefit. If you love to give and see others thrive, that’s your benefit. 

And I don’t mean that as a clever gotcha or as some cynical assertion that all relationships are inherently transactional, but as an useful mental framework to make oneself aware of the desired end result and check if one’s actions are in accordance with that.

If you want your children to trust you, you can’t judge and humiliate them when it’s convenient because that destroys the trust that keeps them listening to you & sustains the relationship. In the book “7 habits of extraordinaryly efficient people” this is called Production vs. Production Capacity or “The Goose and the Golden Egg”. 

And don’t get me wrong, nortmally, there are great benefits to keeping in touch with your parent as an adult: 

They typically have more ressources and are more advanced in their careers, so they can help you if you’re in trouble

They might be wiser, more experienced and more mature than you, so they can give you valuable advice

And lastly, you have all the benefits you’d get from any close social bond: Companionship and emotional support. They can listen to your woes, share you joy, you can tell them your thoughts, liven up your everyday life, and they can also introduce you to new ideas and viewpoints, and motivate you to go beyond your comfort zone. What’s more, being with a loved one can give you a feeling of meaning and community all on its own. Just seeing them on its own can make you feel happy, satisfied and meaningful. They don’t even need to do anything. They might be interesting and loveable and just all around enjoyable to be around and fill your heart with warm fondness.

People who have even 1 decent parent should be aware how lucky they are compared to ppl with no parents or two unforgiveable asshat parents. Every time you spend a good time with your parent, think of all the orphans, thrown-out gay kids etc. who don’t have that. Having a nice parent who supports you well into adulthood is a cause for great gratitude. 

But now let’s look at an abusive jerk parent. 

Could I get material support? No, because it comes with a proce tag of emotional distress. You will be guilt tripped even for the baby wipes that wiped your newborn butt! Super not worth it. If I wanted to pretend to like someone for money, I would just open an onlyFans, it’d be much less stressful 

Could I get valuable advice? Is he wise? No. He is a fool. All his opinions are copypasted from rightwing websites. H e was telling us to heard hydroxy last year. Is he mature? He has the maturity of a toddler My 20 year old sister is a hundred times more mature. 

Could I get emotional support? No, you have to walk on eggshells around him

Could i share my thoughts? No. he flies into a range if anyone voices any opinion that isn’t to his liking

Could we have fun together? No. He hates my lifestyle and values, and I loathe his. I think his politics are deeply immoral and he probably thinks the same about mine. We have zero interests in common. He only ever mocked my music and interests and tried to force me into sharing his so that I now associate them with bad memories. I would never be friends with such a person normally.  I would count to ten so that O don’t waste time having pointless arguments with them on youtube comments.  He says people like me are destroying Europe and that we are lazy degenerates. And this is assuming I believe that he didnt mean all the other outrageous things hes since made flimsy pretend apologies for.  

Could I relax around him? No. I’m rather efficiently pavlov trained to associate him with pain and humiliation. Speaking to him tires me alot. It would cost me much, much more effort than any other relationship, and much time I could be spending doing useful things or interacting with people that I don’t have bad blood with & that don’t trigger emotional flashbacks with their mere presence

Would I enjoy being near him? No. He has zero traits that I like, value or enjoy. I absolutely do not enjoy being near him. I might have suffered him to touch me as I child because I was told to by my mother whom I trusted, but it was always with fear. He’s also never shown much signs of being interested in me. He would always yell at me if I entered a room and cried and whined about what a burden and a punishment I was. That is, except for making me take courses so he could then brag about having a child that does this & that, ignoring my wishes completely. In effect he brushed my real instincts and personality aside to mold me into his fantasy of having a child prodigy, exerting extreme pressure, and then humiliated and abused me when I remained a perfectly ordinary, non-genius child. 

None of the normal reasons for having a social bond is present. There are only downsides for me: I have to shut up, bottle up my feelings, play nice, censure my thoughts etc. 

I could see the point of doing that for a boss who pays me money, or to get into a social group that gets me prestige and energy, or maybe to get along with the friends and family of spouse I love and enjoy. 

But what do I get here? 

I mean, I’m not a child. I get that you sometimes have to play nice to get paid or archieve a cause. But my private relationships in my private life should be pleasurable. It’s where I go to recover from the work where fakery maybe can’t be avoided.

So why, why in the name of god would I ever chose THIS person to spend time with out of all the seven billion humans on earth? Aside from murderesrs, rapists and evil politicians, he’s probably among the worst choices. 

Obviously this “reconcilliation” could only benefit him. There is no joy for me, no benefit. It’s purely letting myself be used for his ego like he has always done for the first 20 years of my life. If he was capable of providing the benefits normally associated with having a father, he would have done so already. 

Considering that the whole problem was that he used me to fill his needs instead of thinking about my needs like a parent is supposed to, it’s insuit to injury and salt in the wounds. 

And if I wanted such benefits, I would have much better odds of getting them by trying to find a mentor, tutor, life coach, therapist,  friend etc. who is an older male. 

So why would I believe that he is changed if in the next breath he makes such a profoundly, deeply selfish request? 

If anything it shows me that he still doesn’t have the capacity to consider things from my PoV and see me as an adult independent human with logic, feelings and will. 

This is not about not wanting to make the effort. No one makes an effort for effort’s sake; They do it because something worthwhile is at the other end. 

There is nothing for me to gain here, nothing at all. 

I see the point of making an effort to salvage a once good relationship that has gotten sour because of mistakes: The hope is that you can have that good relationship once again, or even a better, more evolved version of it. 

But here there was never any good to begin with, and any hypothetical good that come in the future is questionable and dubious from past experience.

If he come then and ask, “Then what is he supposed to do then?” that would just be proof of that same objectifying mindset, that he just need to throw some coins in and out pops a relationship.

You’re just going to have to live with the consequences of your actions, just as I do every day. 

Once upon a time when I was younger, I might have said “show real interest in me”, there’s people that know me that you can ask. Heck, I’ve got an internet presence. Nowadays, I do NOT want that. I’ve learned not to let him have any information or acess about me because I’ve seen time and time again that it will just be used as ammunition to clubber me. The benefit of the doubt is fucking gone. 

But I have always believed in free will & not putting people into fixed unchangeable categories like, say, “narcissist” that give themselves easily to easy juddgement and fundamental attribution & stigmatize mentally ill people. It’s much more sensible to label behavior. 

So in the name ofintellectual integrity, I’m going to try & name something that might lead me to reconsider. Not immediately agree, because that would presuppose that he’s entitled to it somehow. Just think about it. 

It’s really pretty simple: Actually change. 

When I visit my mother and don’t have to witnesses her getting yelled at, pressured and emotionally blackmailed over the phone, when my younger sisters tell me of all the great quality time theyare spending and how much he listens and cares about their feelings, when he behaves like he understands what he did, maybe then I’ll believe. 

But as of now it seems about as unlikely to me as a giant sucker on the backside of Pluto. I can’t prove 100% it isn’t there, but it seems unreasonable to live my life assuming it exists. 

99% sure isn’t the same as 100% sure, but both those things are very different from 0%. then again its a pretty common trope of far right rhetorics to act like every degree of uncertainty is the same

[citialiin]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @forseenclade thank you ! man i am so bad at doing memes.  tagging: @blossomingbeelzebug @zhrets @lupichorous @dansiere yayayayayayayaya

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated [ z/iggy stardust is DEFINITELY not my original character, but 683 is, and every single part of how i rp ziggy from his backstory to his personality was made up by me. that being said, ziggy is still a character that exists in media. ]

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. [ im pretty sure ziggy is tied with the thin white duke as one of b*wie’s most famous fictional personas? ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES ? / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ maybe a little overrated ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ celebrity rock god of limitless talent vs inevitable overrated washup. most celebrities are polarizing anyways ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  — there isnt much canon to go off of i think? the album barely even states if ziggy is an alien and b*wie himself got really wishy washy about it (sometimes saying z is a human who was contacted by aliens, he was an alien himself, etc). i dont think we know anything about him besides what he looks like (red hair / weird eyes / pale / “well hung” lmao) and he has a band called the spiders from mars, he plays the guitar left handed, he’s bisexual + androgynous, and he’s charming and popular with the teens but inevitably is a victim of his own ego. and he dies.  that too.  but that’s literally it! we know Nothing else about him.  so i filled in all the gaps because my brain has worms.  theres a little bit of the story that verges on fantasy (that he’s some sort of messiah messenger for “the infinites,” whatever the fuck THAT means, david) so i nix that because i prefer hard scifi.  and theres one BIG part that i just ... deleted out of his canon, in that the world is ending in 5 years in his timeline, and he’s like ... aware of this ?  but that’s dumb and confusing.  i legit dont care anymore. my OC now.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  im so embarrassed i know i could be genuine and actually try but i have brain blockajjolajlakala33lak33klak333ak3jka3akjj323j3 i guess it’s like ... ziggy is truly the ultimate expression OF humanity because he reveals everything both wrong and right about the human condition, he literally embodies the best of humanity and the worst at the same time, he’s a really interesting critique on the idea of genuineness/earnestness vs commercalism in art, the perils of fame, and also how humans are so inherently corrupting?  a lot of thematic stuff i like exploring is like what is innate to humans vs what is learned behavior, what are things that humans do naturally that ziggy mimics out of his desire to be like us?  i think he has a really good story arc -- he went from being a literal nameless CLONE in a society full of pragmatic forward thinking science-oriented people to a sell out rockstar celebrity in a society of people that value individualism and self expression and art, but in the process completely lost his mind and himself and gave into the worst that humanity has to offer like rampant selfishness, drug abuse, self destructive tendencies, etc. characters changing is always interesting and ziggy truly changes for the worse -- but he is never just black and white, he was never good and then suddenly evil, he just was always the same person putting on different facades and trying to be himself by constructing an identity that maybe was who he wanted to be versus who he actually is.  i dont know what im talking about. hes just an alien trying to be too hard to be human in all the wrong ways.   i just like how “gray” ziggy is. he isnt good or bad, he can be very nice and he can be very mean, he’s overtly showboating confident but at the same time deeply afflicted with self-consciousness (why tf else would anyone be So obsessed with how they present themselves?).  hes an icon of individualism but also commercialism.  he’s freakishly alien but is almost more human than humans themselves.  he struggles as lot in his head -- which makes for interesting writing, i guess !!  Im so emabrrased im not going to go back and read what i wrote so if i typoed dont look at me

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  i think ziggy comes across as really mean and nothing else.  his horrible bitchy rudeness comes across as hee hee hoo hoo sassy isnt he a rascal when it’s supposed to be more like ... he’s so far gone into the celebrity delusion he’s conflated aggressive rudeness with charmingness because no one told him otherwise and everyone worships him to the point where he’s just given into the delusion that he can do no wrong.  i think theres the general simplification problem that happens with a lot of fictional characters, it’s easy to see him as just a whacky sassy glittery quirky rockstar when i guess it avoids the inherent tragedy of like ... everything else about him. his totally fake and false sense of identity built up from superficial things like fame and labels and stardom.  maybe my version of ziggy is just too weirdly depressing and sad when i know his original iteration wasn’t quite so ... grim.  im not very sure tbh.  

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  hmmm ... a lot of things! i just really got into b*wie stuff in early 2019, i’ve ALWAYS loved aliens and sci-fi, and i was really shocked that db sets up such great visual storytelling potential but does it through music.  i just really liked ziggys “story” and i like any chance to think about aliens so i just got invested into piecing together a little backstory for him using, like, the cumulative knowledge of literally every other piece of science fiction ive ever consumed in my life.  this was summer 2019 when i was making initial pitches for my thesis film, and so i just randomly decided to pitch “animated version of ziggy stardust” as one of the potential ideas.  shockingly everyone liked it a lot and so did my professor who thought it was really cool, and then i just ended up sticking with the character and working on him for an entire year.  ziggy became my hobby but also my homework.  he was such a fun character because everything about him was interesting to me and i had just enough source material to have a starting point but so much room to take him in any direction i wanted to.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  honestly, yooooou guyssssss. i have some really amazing fwends that ive met thru here .... and some of our dumb stupid stories have literally become NOVEL length. it just self generates inspiration because you realize the limitless amount of stories you could tell with this one single character when your character enters his story or he enters their story and etc. etc.  ive drawn endless amounts of comics and stuff for him ... ziggy is just so endlessly interesting ...   cringe be cringed bro but recently (i know this sounds dumb bear with me or die.) ive kind of realized a lot of how i rp z comes as some metaphor for the experience of being an asian immigrant/being asian in the US -- his home “culture” is a lot stricter than the rampant selfish individualism of the usa (he only lives in the uk and usa, so he thinks the whole planet is like this), he’s dissuaded from standing out from his community and his selfishness becomes a community burden rather than a personal flaw, and when he does come to earth, he goes through such awful culture shock, literally nothing makes sense to him and everything is Different.  and while some things are different in a Nice way, something things are different in an Awful way, and he’s given the option between losing his true personal identity as an atominan and giving it up to be a human.  the allure of being a human is a little too much but losing yourself like this is traumatic, in a way.  obvs like ... a little silly and definitely not something that i actively intended to put into his story arc, its just something that fell into place cuz i guess i worked so closely with my own personal experiences and feelings of “alienation” (pun intended) to try to understand how he would feel being a literal alien an shid. its cathartic to write about him. but he also has a lot of my own personal interests just thrown in -- 70s fashion, scifi, science, tryhard implications about human nature, art history, whatever dumb nonsense i get into

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES?

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO  [ i would prefer information to spring up organically in the story but cuz threads always get dropped i end up just telling people outright. i didnt want anyone to know his home planet/his old name but barely anyone writes enough with ziggy to get to that point to reveal it (i legit managed to do it organically Once) so i just had to write it in a post lmao orz ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ wrote a ton of drabbles ! drew a ton of comics! ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO 

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / I DUNNO?

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES  / NO. / IDK ? 

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  definitely!  like i said ... my version of ziggy ended up being the protag of my thesis film and for 1 yr straight his characterization, backstory, design, and even how i wanted to animate his fucking movements (ziggy stardust timing charts.) were beaten to death in a classroom environment, torn apart and rebuilt into something better.  had i stayed with what i originally wanted to go with, ziggy would be so different than how i write him 2day. amazingly my pre production professor is a literal two time emmy award winning storyboard artist and animator so he definitely helped me design him (my version of ziggy is meant for ... a cartoon, obviously, not real life) and give him a better backstory?  and my post production professor is a retired disney animator who worked on hercules and a bunch of old disney channel shows?  had i gone wah wah wah i dont want to hear ur critiques i wouldnt have made him better.  if you ever think ziggy seems inconsistent or poorly written ... tell me !! i literally major in ... animation. cartoons. entertainment.  my job is to entertain you. if you are not entertained, there is a problem.  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED ????

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I LOVE QUESTIONS? i love ... answering questions ... if you ask me something ill come kiss you.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  sure! i dont know why that would happen, though, because i mean ... he’s an OC. but i gues someone could be like “i feel like this is incongruous to things you’ve previously established in his character” or somethin

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  i feel like a lot of b*wie stans would find my version of ziggy weird but i mean thats fine!  i guess my goal is to have a well written character, not necessarily an accurate version of ziggy

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if you hate MY version of ziggy thats fine but if u hate ziggy stardust in general (like the bowie concept) then u need some taste what the fuck is cooler than a egomaniac genderless bisexual rockstar alien with red hair? nothing. go back to watching your CW shows you dirty filthy normie

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  yes! dm me though. dont clown me on the dash like that.  i usually write your replies 12 AM - 4 AM so it’s expected.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  hmmm ... maybe! i do like to talk to people and i am VERY nice, trust me, if youre ever sad ill do everything i can to make you feel better. but im quiet! i dont really reach out to people and i tend to just keep to myself.  im not very social or extroverted at all haha i barely can make ooc posts without feeling like god’s coming to beat my head in with a brick. im sitting here at 5:30 AM with this meme feeling like if i post it i will die (BUT I MUST)

[idontwantrobyntodie]

I think if my husband killed a bunch of women including my best friend but had a legitimately good reason, and then he DIDNT kill me because he actually liked me, that’s like. Worse. Like we’re just gonna insult the memory of the women you DID kill like that?? Okay 

More under the cut as requested by @daisywords! Warning it gets. Long. 

The Wrath and the Dawn has reminded me of the time I read basically exclusively YA fantasy written by authors who did not understand how fairy tales, royalty/courts, OR romance works; it was a dark time and I’m thankful for the growth I’ve experienced. It is ostensibly a retelling of 1001 nights; or technically, the frame story of 1001 nights, but after THREE stories told that part is abandoned and it’s just a straight romance. 

And maybe if the romance was good that wouldn’t matter but I have no idea why these people are attracted to one another, especially because, you know, he killed her best friend! Complicating this is the fact that when she entered the palace, she already had a perfectly good childhood friend/fiance/first love, who she forgets about the moment the Caliph starts being nice to her. I understand this was put in to up the ~drama~ and romance but it makes the romance even less convincing because how am I meant to believe that Shahrzad’s love for the Caliph is real if she abandoned her first love so quickly?? Huh?? The role of the fiance/first love in the “plot” (there wasn’t much of that) was to rally a force to get Shahrzad back, but that could have been achieved by anyone! A father, a brother, an uncle. But no, we need another love interest to make this more interesting, so let us cheapen her love by making it seem incredibly fickle. 

So with the love story thoroughly discredited by itself, there’s nothing left but the fairy tale retelling, and that’s. As aforementioned. Not great. Like I said the storytelling thread is abandoned very quickly, but even so there was never much done with it anyway. 1001 nights is a story about the CLEVERNESS of a woman, who SCHEMES with her younger sister to take down the evil king. This Shahrzad goes into the castle to avenge the death of her best friend Shiva, WHO HE KILLED, and she gets soo many chances to kill him, but she doesn’t, and I couldn’t tell you why. Also, we never learn anything about Shiva except her name, and she’s basically forgotten about as soon as the main couple start making eyes at one another, so yippee for sacrificing a dead woman who we claimed to love for the good of the romance with her killer. I love it when novels written for young women in 2015 are less feminist than stories from the middle ages! 

Also this is petty but there were soo many descriptions of clothing and food and people’s appearances that were borderline uncomfortable. “Hazel orbs” “bronze arms” please stop. I literally laughed out loud when Despina, the Greek handmaid, was described as having “eyes bluer than the Aegean” because she’s GREEK did you know she’s GREEK!! The way Greece/Ancient Greece is treated in fantasy novels is so wild to me did u know that’s a place? People live there? I’ve actually stepped foot on this mystical soil! 3/10, I had an allergy attack and my friend Luka got stung by a wasp. How would Shahrzad even know what the Aegean was? Do ur eyes always just happen to be the color of the body of water nearest to where you were born? Are my eyes the brown of the mud on the banks of the Lana river? Pls say they aren’t, that river is full of sewage 

That said the one (1) plot thread I did enjoy was the one where Despina the Greek (did u know she’s Greek?? Got the eyes to prove it) handmaid is secretly pregnant by the captain of the guard/Caliph’s cousin and isn’t telling him. I live for trashy gossip-y plotlines like that and also I’m ovulating, so. If I ever find the second book in a used bookstore or at the library I would consider picking it up to see how that one wraps up, and because hatereading is unfortunately fun

spent three dollars on a used copy of this YA retelling of 1001 nights that I never finished in high school. fully expect it to be bad but I want to see how they redeem the serial wife-killing king in the name of feminism

[trying-write-fanfics]

OverhaulXreader part 8

Time went on and managing the restaurant became simple. Everyday was watching the ingredients go out, when to order more, evaluate customer satisfaction, and counting the money. Everyone was rather fond of Y/n working at the Wicked Sparrow.

However there was an issue clouding her mind. She revealed her cards too soon to her childhood crush. It was a stupid mistake to tell him anything because now he’s waiting. The unpacking, the making connections, everything was falling into place. Yes he’s handsome, always the same Kai, and has been the dream man for all her years. Reality set in. Kai was amazing, but being with him would be a lot of sacrifice, sacrifice she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

Kai isn’t the romantic type. That could be expected from a mile away. There wasn’t going to be no running into each other’s arms on a beach, or holding hands in public. He might buy her things, but the things don’t matter. Touching. She has seen him break out in hives so many times, and it seemed the germs only got worse. He was in a mask twenty four seven. There were also hard times that need to be considered. What is he going to do when she has her own problems? Throw money at it and get annoyed that it doesn’t dissolve? Can he even handle a romantic relationship? Does he want one? He’s still a virgin, so maybe it’s a no to any intimate relationship like that.

That stupid thought though kept coming back to break all her logic. “Don’t you have a confession to work on?” What an idiot to tell him anything drunk! She just wanted to go to his house and give him some wine! She was for sure he would kick her out! She was so gross! But he stayed, and slept beside her. Best of all she didn’t even have night terrors. It was the reason why she had a solo dorm, she kept her roommate awake.

Kai was a wonderful excuse too. During her time in France, the whole time felt like it had an end date. Potential suitors would try to change her mind that there was still more to explore with them and that she should stay. A childhood best friend crush was no one to compete with. No one could be better than the man handwriting her letters for so many years.

Now things weren’t a fantasy. Her desires to be held by him, to be kissed by him, to be seen with him in public seemed like little things, but would be unbearable to ever expect him to do. Life with Kai wouldn’t be a fantasy, it would be dangerous. One accident was once enough.

To think of him too! He doesn’t have time or the strength to have a girlfriend! He has a small yakuza to run, and even though the man is brilliant, the niche for it is shrinking. It’s not erratic villains taking over the crime scene.

“Lost in thought?” Sumi, a waitress asked.

“Just zoned out for a second.” Y/n quickly went back to counting tomatoes.

“Has your dating life blossomed yet?” She asked.

“What!”

“It’s been a month since you’ve moved to the country. You’re always wearing these outfits, I just thought someone would have tried to do something.” She explained.

“Oh, well I’m not really looking.” Y/n was quick to sweep it under the rug.

“Are you a lesbian?”

“No, I’m not ready to date, that’s all.” Y/n explained.

“If you want I can set you up with my cousin. He works at a seafood restaurant.”

“Maybe another time.”

After her shift was done, she went home and changed for practice. She has a couple secret hobbies. A sense of community and belonging she was yearning for. She knew her parents were trying to protect her, but for so many years she was alone in a foreign land. When she returned everything was different. There was no constant. They went through two dogs during her time away. The first one died from getting hit by a car. She didn’t feel loved. Everyone was so distant. This place was the only place she began to feel a new sense of warmth. Though it didn’t completely match her beliefs it was still fun.

After practice she took the subway home. The cart was empty. The light was harsh as it tried to shine but it was a stale white light. It was only there to serve a purpose. Her phone rang, of course it was the devil himself.

“Hey, Kai.” She sighed.

“Where are you?”

“Always straight to the point, huh? Why would you like to know?”

“I pulled a you and came over. You know I didn’t get you a house warming gift yet, so I got one.”

“Oh, was the wine that bad?” She teased.

“I’m not giving you more alcohol. Your public intoxication is going to get fined one day.” He told her. “Are you drunk?”

“A little bit.” She lied.

“God.” He growled. “Do you want me to pick you up. You shouldn’t be out and drunk like you are.”

“I’m kidding, Kai, don’t get your panties in a wad.” She told him.

“I don’t know. I’ve only seen you drunk or hungover.”

“Maybe you should visit me at work.”

“Should I too go in drunk?”

“Shut up.” She laughed.

It was these conversations she adored. How she could let her guard down with him, even play a little. These conversations wouldn’t be enough though that’s worth a confession.

“I’m getting off the subway, I should be back in ten minutes. I’d let you in, but the spare key is inside the apartment.”

“I might be able to work around that.”

“See you then.” She told him.

Hopefully he wouldn’t ask about that confession, maybe it already left his mind. Tonight’s not the night to tell him he’s not “boyfriend” material. They were still friends with complicated feelings. Yeah, she loves him, but her place may not be beside him.

He was already inside when she got there. He was sitting at the kitchen table. Dumb, she forgot about his quirk. He doesn’t use it often in front of her.

“Breaking and entering?”

“You told me you’d invite me in.” He played back.

Her eyes were drawn to a purple gift bag.

“What’s inside that?” She asked.

“Open it. You’ll see.”

It was an expensive knife set. She smiled and looked at him. He did snoop through her things and saw her knives were on dulling.

“Why thank you. You should be expecting a thank you note in the next three to five business days.” She told him.

“Why not thank me now?”

Y/n’s eyes widen. He didn’t forget. What else could he do, read her mind? She sighed and tried to put something together.

“I need to table this discussion.” She firmly said. “You’ll hear it’s when I’m ready. Not because you bought me some fancy gift, or you say something clever.” She waved her finger in his face. “I’m a wreck right now.”

“With what?” His tone didn’t sound like a question.

“Nothing for your precious little mind to worry about.” She countered.

“I’m sure whatever you’re going through isn’t that bad.”

It was words like those that held her back.

“Which is why you don’t need to worry.”

Her phone began to ring. It was her boss.

“I gotta take this.” She said.

“(Last name)! (Last name)! Good news! Great news! I just had a consultation with a customer, show them your menu you’ve been putting together and they want you to cater their high class event!” Her boss yelled.

“Wow...that’s amazing-“

“I almost lost them! They wanted something special, and new! When the dish you added to the menu they said they wanted something more like that!”

“Who is it?”

“You’re never going to guess!” The Best Jeanist!”

There was an awkward silence.

“HE’S NUMBER FOUR ON THE HERO CHARTS! Do you seriously not watch the news?”

“I’m still figuring out the channels.” She lied.

“It’s for his fashion show next month. I want all your entertainment focused on that.”

“Will do.” She hung up.

She was making her way into fame, but it wasn’t a happy moment.

“Congratulations.” Kai said. “Are you going to poison them?”

“You wish. I bet my boss hasn’t even told that guy I’ve been there less than a month.” She sighed. “I’m a little overwhelmed at just the thought of this.”

“You can still decline.”

“It’s a good opportunity.” She sighed.

Kai got up and patted her shoulder, twice. It was moments like those she believed he was capable of changing or wanting to show a new side to her.

“I’m sure you’ll do what’s best.” He told her.

“Thank you for stopping by.” She told him. She was about to lean on him for support, but stopped herself for a couple of reasons.

“Is there anything you want me to take care of?”

“Focus on your goals.” She told him.

It was a difficult time to go to sleep that night, but she ended up passing out due to exhaustion from overthinking .

Next https://tryingfe-imaginesblog.tumblr.com/post/613798823803895808/overhaulxreader-part-9-chisaki-didnt-understand

[noreasonreally]

.

i don’t know. i don’t know why i keep avoiding writing. i want to work on this story bc it’s fun and cool and a way to bond with my aunt who lives far away. but i probably need to write more about how i’m feeling. and journaling takes a long time by hand. and this is a good place for venting personal shit. idk. we’ll see.

i want to write about the feelings in this story but i may have delved too deep into my own psyche. my own sore spots. 

i had an anxiety attack a couple nights ago. i keep having nightmares. part of me blames re-watching stranger things but i also watched parks n rec before i went to bed and also i had nightmares before re-watching stranger things. so that theory’s debunked.

i told my brother about the Big Trauma and he said he was sorry and that it explained a lot and on one hand what a relief! on the other hand he made it sound like that’s the reason i cut our father out of my life and that’s Not The Reason. i told him he didnt need to worry about changing his behavior right now bc he’s got a lot on his plate and just... whatever dude, he doesn’t need to. i didn’t tell him bc i wanted him to change.

i mean it would be nice if he were angry.

but i didn’t expect him to be.

and for all i know, he took this information to my dad and was convinced i’m full of shit. 

the thing is i’ll never know. i have no idea what he thinks or feels, ever. i hope that when our father and grandfather die, he’ll open up. i don’t know if it’ll be too late by then. 

and trust me, i’ve tried to “save” him. 

no one wants to be “saved” against their will.

so i just watch. i take the peace offerings. i hope playing video games and drinking like 3 alcoholic beverages and old movie quotes will give us some sense of connection. i got drunk and spilled my guts and he hugged me and i want something more but i know he can’t give me anything more. 

and then two nights ago he comes home - one of the brief intermissions from his 3 jobs, separation from his wife, new girlfriend, and taking care of our demented grandfather who molested me when i was too young to know it was bad - one of the brief moments where i see him for half an hour, an hour tops - and he immediately says “i’m going to sit uncomfortably close to my sister!” thinking he’s funny. and he does. and i calmly say i’m changing seats and he “apologizes for making me move, because he was kidding,” and i want to believe he’s silly, and i want to believe he’s kidding, and i want so badly to believe that my brother heard me, and respects me, and knows how it feels to be powerless.

i want to believe that he knows that. i want to believe that deep down, he has some intuition and it’s just buried under the fucking bonkers notions from my toxic paternal family members. 

but i go to bed early and have an anxiety attack. 

because pinning me to the side of the couch for shits and giggles after i tell you some intense shit, is not cute or funny. you never did that shit before. it doesn’t just go away.

i want to blow up at him, i want to scream, i want to feel like i’m not powerless anymore. i want to force him to see me for who i am, for what i truly feel, for what i’ve truly been through, because it’s real and valid and it’s fucking painful.

and i know being triggered means my reactions might be out of line. so i’m careful with what i say. i’m thoughtful. i don’t want to pin twenty-odd years of resentment and pain on the idiot who doesn’t even know what he’s putting himself through. 

but it also feels like i just got another kick in the head over something that was never my fault. 

another reason to say “oh poor old dad” and write me off. 

i know there’s a big grey area between the worst: expecting him to involve my father in my trauma - and the best: him saying he also denounces the paternal side of our family. i know that “i’m sorry that happened, that explains a lot” is a pretty good reaction, all things considered.

i guess it’s just hard to realize that nothing will ever be enough to erase it from happening. of course i knew this in my head. but i definitely thought i would have... some kind of epiphany after telling my brother.

if i never told him, i could still hold onto the fantasy of him responding with “that’s horrible! i’m never seeing any of them again unless you want to go yell at them for being awful.”

the reality of “thanks for saying i don’t have to change anything about what i’m doing” isn’t as heroic. or comforting. 

so i watch. we play video games and trade places on the couch and drink beer sometimes. i visit with my nieces and teach them how to scold the dog for being too rough and build towers with them and their dad. it doesn’t hurt to see other men being good dads anymore. 

and before anyone asks, yeah, my soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law has already banned him from taking their girls to visit our father or grandfather. 

man.

how does anyone do this? i don’t feel “broken,” or “unlovable” - i have pretty much everything i need to feel safe and happy, frankly. i’m in a pretty good place and i do my best to help others get to a good place, too.

but that doesn’t mean the trauma isn’t there. it doesn’t mean my ptsd is magically gone. my anxiety attacks and nightmares still hang out. i still woke up screaming “you don’t own him” this morning. 

i want to connect the dots and figure out what the big picture is - how to make it “good trauma,” like diane in bojack horseman, and do something so that i’m a success and i can point to my trauma and say “nana-nana boo boo, i’m gonna make other people’s lives better,” and then poof! it’ll be solved and i won’t feel bad anymore and i’ll sleep like a totally normal individual.

what’s really happening is that i’m excited if i can keep myself present for two seconds. 

and ultimately i don’t want any of this shit to go away. i work hard not to make it the focus of all my energy, but at the same time, i’m glad i know how to do that. because i know how to pay attention to myself and care about myself and fill my cup, so to speak, so i’m not in a constant state of needing validation like i used to be. and i know how to give genuine words of affection. i’m still working on a lot of things but i’m glad i generally know how to work on ‘em.

and if more fucked up shit happens i’ll work on that too. 

i’m okay. no matter what my brother says, or doesn’t say, no matter how many anxiety attacks i have, no matter how many walls i have to break down to become the person i want to be and know i will be, i know i can do it. i do have power over my life. i do think i’m worth the effort. i’m conflicted by a lot of things but that’s ok. i can be all the things. 

[letsgetscrewed123]

Halloween night

Jules really didnt mean to get this drunk. She had no intention of snubbing Rue or being messy but she just couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't turn off her mind or erase thoughts of Nate Jacobs fucking up her life, implicating her in more crimes. It's making what should be a good night full of ogling Rue in a suit and being amused by Lexi's Bob Ross costume, and enjoying Kat's party impossible. So when they get to Kat's party she starts drinking almost immediately.

The tequila is a blessing, she didnt mean to have so much but dam she loves the way it makes her feel. Relishes the feeling of her bad thoughts being erased and replaced by the impulse to dance. One minute she's thinking of being complicit in a crime and the next she's thinking about how pretty and poetic all the lights are. Every time she has a thought she doesn't want crossing her mind she takes a shot or a swig and its gone.

She thinks of Rue, brushing off her rejection at the beginning of the night and takes a shot. She thinks of the nudes they had had so much fun taking, how that memory is tainted by Nate. How now when she thinks of those nudes she thinks of how he lords them over her. She tosses back another drink. Thinks about how he knows where she lives, downs another shot. Wonders when he'll try to threaten her next, blackmail her. What else he'll make her do. Wonders when he'll start going after the people that she loves, wonders when he'll start going after Rue.

She downs shots in between invasive thoughts. Looks at Rue and knows how drunk she's getting, feels it, regrets it, but God help her she just wants to forget. Wants to drown out her thoughts the only way she can think to. Rue would understand, wanting just two seconds of silence, of your brain not constantly screaming at you, showing you new things to fear. When she's drunk she's not thinking of Nate or Rue's sobriety, or how close she's getting to Rue, how fast, how much power that gives her over her, how much power nate has over her, she's thinking about dancing. She glances at Rue and thinks of dancing with her. She wants to pull her close, move in tandem with her, she wants to have fun. She glances away and time shifts, and Rue's gone. She gets tired of dancing alone, starts to miss Rue. She wants to fulfill that fantasy, wants to be close enough to touch Rue's smile, to hear her laugh and sing in her ears.

-~-

She searches for Rue, wonders idly when she left, how she let her get away from her. Longs to be in her presence, she thinks she'd like that kiss now. She walks through the halls her trusty forgetting serum clutched in her hand. Pretends her and Rue are playing hide and seek and she's it, anticipates finding her, thinks she'll claim that kiss as her prize and then they can go back to the party, start dancing, close. She wanders outside, passes by lit shrubbery and partygoers, hoping to catch Rue's face in one of them. She gets distracted by the lights of the pool. She wants to find Rue she really does, but the pool is just so pretty, it lures her like a sirens song. She didn't mean to get as close as she did but then she's inside, surrounded by blue, and the world goes quiet. To her this is even better than the tequila, she thinks about how much Rue would love this. This aquatic silence, this private little world, a slice of time all to herself, and almost as if by magic Rue appears.

She's crouching by the pool, staring at her. She looks good in the blue and red lights, in her suit, asking Jules what she's doing. She likes hearing her voice, likes the way she says her name. It scares her how much she's into Rue, the last time she gave someone that much power over her, well, it was Nate and the time before that it was her mom. Its dangerous, like she's covered in oil and playing with sparklers.

Her and Rue are a Shakespearean play, a tragic poetry, so Jules starts to recite some. It's her way of telling Rue what she's feeling without actually having to say it. Without having to tell her that she loves her but she worries that their love is dangerous, knows that it is, worries that she can't handle it. Its part of the reason she dressed as Juliet tonight, a soft expression of worry.

Theirs is an ill advised love affair and very well could end in Rue's death and Jules can't handle losing her like she lost her mom. Hates the thought of it, but all those thoughts are blunted and clouded by tequila and they slip from her mind when Rue's brow furrows. Her voice is softer as she gets closer, she whispers her name and it sounds so sweet coming out of her mouth. Her face is so serious. Jules thinks she might have the remedy for that. She holds her hand, plays with her lapel, she grasps it, grips it tight, pulls her in. She barely hears the exclaimed Jules, barely hears Rue shout her name. She feels good surrounded by the cool water, wants Rue to feel good too. She pulls her in and it's slow and sluggish. She cups Rue's face and kisses her deep. Its another thing that makes the world go quiet, if only for a moment.

Then Rue is pulling away and they're coming up for air. Jules giggles, she's pleased with herself. She chokes a bit on pool water, watches as Rue leaves. She's sad when Rue gets out, can barely get out a weak protest. She only manages a little "aw" in response. She wonders why Rue keeps leaving her.

-~-

Eventually she goes to look for Rue again but she can't focus on that, can't focus on much of anything except the beat of the music and the prospect of more alcohol. She grabs another bottle, goes to the dance floor, loses herself in the music, assimilates into the crowd of writhing bodies. She feels at one with them. She melts into the ebb and flow of the crowd. If the tequila hadnt been working, her problems would have fallen away with the ebb and flow of the music. The spell is broken by Lexi rushing past. It reminds Jules of the task at hand. In the back of her mind Jules knows that where Rue is Lexi is sure to follow. She's moving before she even thinks to, like her limbs are in control instead of her mind, her body overrunning her once again. For once she's glad for it, because it leads her to Rue.

She finds her outside with Lexi, upset. She doesn't like Rue upset, she hates seeing her cry so she does the only thing she can think of, she wraps her in her arms, asks her what's wrong.

Rue wants to leave, it's the first time in what seems like forever that she's finally been able to let loose, to be free of worry and Rue wants to leave. Jules wants to stay, to remain in this safe haven of time stopping pools and mind erasing nectar. She thinks maybe it's just cause Rue hasn't been with her, hasn't danced with her. She could show her a good time if only she'd let her. "It's just cause you're not dancing with me" she says, but Rue's not having it, she's not listening.

Jules can't go back, going back means down time and down time means she'll get bored and boring means time to think and time to think means time to remember all the things she's been desperately trying to forget all night. Its then that Jules decides, she's not leaving, it doesn't matter what happens, she can't. She retreats back into the safety of the party, thinks to herself that Rue and Lexi can do whatever they want. She should have known that Rue would want to stay with her, would come for her.

When she stalks off Rue comes after her. After all where Jules goes Rue is sure to follow. It's a stark contrast to the beginning of the night. Now its Rue thats following Jules around, although she's a bit more focused on her efforts and her main goal is trying to sober her up. Soon her bottle is gone, and Rue is talking to her by the sink, trying to get her to drink the water she's poured her. Time is passing so quickly, moving like water and she can't grab ahold of it.

Then she sees him. She sees him and it all comes rushing back. The world goes quiet again but this time its suffocating, oppressive. It's just her and him. Then the silence turns into a muffled roar. He toasts to her, raises his cup. Everyone is cheering for him, chanting his name like he's some type of hero and Jules wants to be sick. Suddenly the tequila that was making her feel so good before turns her stomach. The crowd is too thick and too loud, his name seems to echo and bounce of the walls, the smell of booze and sweaty teenagers fuels her climbing nausea. She's sure she's standing still but she doesn't feel like it. It feels more like her whole world is off kilter, like she's on a tilt o whirl with no safety harness and she's about to be flung into space.

Then Rue places a hand on her shoulder. Jules looks at her and it grounds her instantly, that furrowed brow, those sad eyes, so concerned about her. She leans in close, whispers in her ear.

"You ok Jules" she asks. It's so sweet that it blocks out the night completely, she feels like she's back in that pool again. Rue is like her own special brand of tequila, making her forget about Nate, making her remember nights and days in bed just talking to Rue. Suddenly she wants nothing more than to go home. She wants to lay in bed with Rue, wrap up in her and cry. Wants Rue to stroke her hair and whisper sweet nothings, make her feel safe.

Jules takes the glass of water Rue is holding and downs it.

"I'm ready to go".

[peachyzens]

guardian angel! Jaemin au

guardian angel! Jaemin au

genre: fantasy, angst :( (i’m sorry we in emo hours rn) summary: secluding yourself from all forms of a social life, all it takes is guardian angel! jaemin to break down those walls, (1,890 words) a/n: i’ve had this unfinished in my drafts for way too long..but now we finished it! a repost just to test if my posts are actually popping up in the searches 🤔 tumblr why u do this to me

not to be cliche or anything but jaemin is DEFINITELY the purest guardian angel yet

him and guardian angel! jeno are notorious for being the sweetest and purest beings of the heaven

if there was an “angel of the month” award like how theres an employee of the month award..he would win almost every month

but his focus is mainly to help high school students!!

considering his youthful nature, he blends in really well in a high school

students love him, teachers love him, everybody loves him

so you..you were the top student of your class

always getting straight A’s, never late or absent, just the perfect student

people could never think of anything wrong with your life, you were the star child of the school!!

but behind closed doors, you always felt lonely and having to live up to standards set so high by your peers

not to mention your parents, who always pushed you to surpass or be at the same level as your successful older sibling

you just lived in an endless cycle of studying to do good in school, your life basically revolved around school

and this is where jaemin comes in!

he often gets cases like this, having to show the overly dedicated student that there’s much more to life than studying

but you were a strict case

no matter how many people tried to show you that side, you ended up pushing them away, refusing to leave your own world

so when jaemin took notice of this, he promised himself to make sure he shows you the side of the world you hid from

he came to your school as a transfer student, and the other students were immediately talking about how cute and angelic he looked

his honey hair, a smile that blinds, he was everybody’s dream boy!

yet with all the eyes on him, his were stuck on you

you didnt bother looking up once during his introduction, your eyes still glued to your notes

you only paid him the slightest attention when you heard the chair beside you get pulled out

now THAT made you look up to him as nobody really sat next to you

considering 99% of the school population was intimidated by you but jaemin didn’t care at all!

the smile on his face never faltered as he sat beside you, pulling out his books as if he was meant to be there

you brushed it off, thinking he’s just going to get bored of being next to you and make new friends that he will soon sit next to

but here’s the thing...he never leaves

he’s always sitting by your side, refusing the other student’s offers to have him sit by them

and while you didn’t know him that well, the thought he had for you really touched your heart :(

in the mornings you would always show up early, and jaemin would start showing up shortly after you

you just had so many questions

one day when he came in, taking his normal spot beside you and resting his head and arms on his desk while scrolling through his phone, you gathered the courage to start asking him questions

“why?” was all you could mutter out

you could already feel the embarrassment building in your chest as you started cursing yourself for making social advances

you did notice his thumb pause from the scrolling and you could feel his eyes on you, but you couldn’t find the courage to meet them

“why what?” he responded, his voice smooth

you debated on brushing it off and ending the conversation right then and there, but a part of you kind of wanted to continue it

like you had some hope that he sat there because he wanted to be your friend...but you just always secluded yourself from having a social life that you weren’t sure if it were your fantasies

“why..do you sit here everyday and not with your friends?” you let out, voice quieter than you expected

it’s a good thing the room was silent except for the whirring of the ac, but it wasn’t enough to hide your words

“why not? we can be friends too, if you would like” he responded, speaking no more than two words at a time

right there, you felt your cheeks redden and your chest explode with anticipation at the idea of your first friend

jaemin took notice of how your cheeks flared up, and he noticed the edge of your lips quirk up the tiniest bit

he couldn’t help himself from smiling, he was finally getting you to crack!!

“i would like that.” you whispered, so quiet that he almost missed it

and jaemin lived up to that promise

the mornings were filled with chatter, ranging from anything to everything

when the rest of your classmates walked in and gave you confused looks hearing the laughs and chatters coming from your conversation with jaemin, you were almost tempted to give up on socializing

but you couldn’t help but crack a smile at the stupid joke he made, suddenly forgetting about giving up

jaemin just had that power to make you suddenly forget about all your anxieties, and it felt as if a thousand weights were lifted off your shoulders

instead of heading straight to the library or home right after class, jaemin would pull you the other way

he would take you out to arcades, street stalls, basically every spot a high school kid would hang out at

he even got you acquainted with some of the other friends he made, renjun and haechan

at first it was definitely awkward, with your quiet self unsure how to communicate with these rowdy and rambunctious boys

but when things got serious over some street fighter...let’s just say they didn’t see you as quiet anymore

“HA TAKE THAT JAEMIN I TOTALLY KICKED YOUR ASS IN THIS GAME” you cheered triumphantly

“Listen i totally let you win that round” jaemin would argue back, fighting the urge to let out a smile at your antics

“LiStEn i ToTaLlY lEt YoU wIn ThAt RoUnD” you mocked him, causing haechan to snort at jaemin’s misfortune

with renjun now asking you for your street fighter techniques and haechan helping you make fun of jaemin, the three of you became a tight-knit group

instead of eating lunch by yourself in the library or classroom, you would be pulled out by haechan and renjun to the cafeteria, where at first you were terrified of the stares

but when renjun accidentally squirted milk out his nose, those people were all forgotten as all you could focus on were the boys in front of you

they easily became your best friends, and you were finally able to shed off that cold and unapproachable image

even though you had new friends in your life, that didn’t stop you from pursuing the most of your studies

you dragged the boys to the library as many times as they’ve dragged you out to other places, much to their dismay

but with a single glare they knew not to mess with you

jaemin could only smile at the scene

haechan was flicking paper triangles at renjun, but missed and it hit you instead, causing you to glare at him as he looked around, renjun stifling his laughter

as fond as you grew of the boys, he grew twice as much

seeing how much you’ve changed in the past months, jaemin felt satisfied at his work

but a part of him was in denial, because he knows that when he gets the job done...he has not use in being there anymore

he loves seeing how open and sociable you’ve become, but he’s sort of sad that he’s not the only one in your life anymore

he knows it’s selfish to be kind of sad that there’s other people making you happy, but he can’t but think of the times before class when you two would just talk about pointless things, a memory only you two share

at the sight of you laughing along with haechan and renjun, he can’t help the bittersweet feeling in his chest, aware that it might be time for him to go

he’s been ignoring the calls from the heavens, only until jeno actually came down to personally deliver the message to him was he unable to escape reality

the reality that he could only make you happy for a certain amount of time, before he lets other people do the deed for him

as much as jaemin wished he could stay here to endlessly make you laugh, he knew he had other duties to get to

when he was walking you home, he knew it was going to be the last time

he listened to your excited chatter about the new movie that came out recently, trying not to let his somber mood show

“and also, jaemin i just wanted to say thank you, for everything.” you told him as you stopped outside your house

he raised an eyebrow, urging you to continue, and with a deep breath you did

“i, i was never the social type in school. i was always alone, never had any friends, but then you sat next to me. it gave me some kind of hope that maybe i can go out there and make friends, despite being under the pressure to do well. and you fulfilled that hope for me, you brought me out of my comfort zone and now, i’m happier than i ever was, and it’s all because of you, so thank you, for everything.” you spoke, tears welling up in your eyes

jaemin could only feel his heart breaking more seeing the admiration in your face, knowing this was his cue to leave

“of course, i can’t think of a better friend than you. i’m so proud of how far you’ve come, and i’m so glad to see you out there, making new friends and achieving new things. you are amazing, i hope you remember that.” jaemin responded with a smile, sadness barely traceable in his expression

jaemin wrapped his arms around you for what he knew was the last time, but you wrapped your arms back around him, letting him know you’ll see him tomorrow morning

with a hesitant shake of his head, jaemin nodded and urged you to go back into your house, waving until you were behind closed doors

and with that, the tears started streaming down his face

when he first saw you, he knew you were going to be a difficult case

but instead, you ended up being a special case, a case he didn’t want to leave

when he looks over you the next morning from above, he can only watch with a sad smile as you never fail to laugh and crack jokes with your best friends, renjun and haechan

you were happy, and he was happy for you, but that wasn’t able to dull the ache in his heart, the desire of wanting to still be by your side to help you grow even more

“it’s okay, they’ll be fine now, they’re growing on their own” jeno could only pat his friend on the back, unable to understand the weight on jaemin’s heart

“you’re right...they’ll only get happier from now, my job is done.”

[kpurereactions]

monsta x reaction being friends with benefits and them getting jealous when you're close with another member when he's the one who said no feelings? thank youuu

Shownu:

You were sitting next to Kihyun at a small coffee shop that never got a lot of traffic, smiling into your drink as he told you a story that made you blush and your heart pound. He didnt know about you and shownus past, and you weren’t about to tell him since there seemed to be no progression in that relationship. He kept you laughing, and you couldn’t help but to blush every time he looked at you. You were about to agree to going out with him like this again, both of you having a good enough time that it made you want to forget everything about Shownu. But just as you were about to agree and take another sip your hand was being pulled away from Kihyun and your body out of the chair. Shownu pulled you out of the cafe and down the street angrily. When you pulled  your hand out of his making him stop you couldn’t help but shove him back, asking him what the fuck he thought he was doing. You could see in his eyes he was sad you were done with him, but all he could do was kiss you against one of the brick walls that surrounded you. You were confused but the way his body held yours made you feel like you were home. When he finished kissing you and pulled away just enough to rest his forehead on yours he’d tell you he never wanted to see you with anyone else, because you were his and he was just too afraid to admit it. 

Wonho:

Like every wednesday night you were sat around the living room of the boys dorm, but this wednesday night you had come to terms with the fact that the secret relationship you were hiding from everyone with Wonho was never going to be more that hook ups, so you were sad. Hyungwon was sitting next to you and you couldn’t help but notice the way he smiled at you, the boys would always tease you that he had a crush but you never saw it until that moment. You really were into the conversation that was happening, you were laughing and sharing stories that made him laugh, not realizing that you’d slightly blush when he did laugh. What you didnt notice was Wonho watching you, his jaw clenched and his hands gripping to what ever he held. He wouldn’t make a scene though, something that you honestly wish he would do when you did notice. When he pushed Hyungwon aside to walk you out later that night you knew there was going to be a conversation, but you didnt know that he would be telling you he hated seeing you talk to his members. When you called him out for being jealous, making a point to mention the fact that he was the one who was pushing the ‘no strings attached’ label. he’d let his head dip. He’d surprise you when he told you he was wrong, and that he thought he was falling in love with you. He’d confess that he had been feeling guilty about trying to keep you hidden, especially from the boys and and when you told him that he had to stop confusing you like that he’d take your hand and pull you back into the dorm, announcing that the two of you had been together for months now before quickly taking you back out.

Minhyuk:

You could tell that you talking with Jooheon was bothering him, and frankly you didnt care. He had been acting like you were a secret, a bad secret since the night you two first hooked up. But every time you tried to end it he’d pout and act like if he lost you his world would end. You were tired of his shit and by standing by Jooheon with your beer brought close to your lips as you giggled you were getting your revenge. He wouldn’t be able to stop watching you as you sat, somewhat flirting in a friendly way with Jooheon, but he’d try his hardest not to show he was jealous. In fact he probably wouldn’t say anything until he called you for another booty call. When you told him that you were tired of being a secret, that you weren’t going to force him to make you more but you definitely didnt want to be this anymore he’d sadly say he knew. He’d tell you that he was having the same feelings and that the last thing he want to do was loose you. He’d try to make a joke about it, but would fail and realize that he couldn’t joke about this. He didnt want to loose you. He’d end the call by asking you if he could commoner. Not to hook up but to make your first official date, and since it was too late to actually do anything a movie on your couch would have to do. But this would start a relationship that the two of you didnt realize you needed. 

Kihyun:

He’d realize that you meant more to him then he thought you did when he called you one day and you were out with Minhyuk and Shownu. He’d start getting upset, wondering what it was you could be doing there with out him. He’d invite himself, and even though the three of you were just eating together, the fact that you were sitting shoulder to shoulder in the tight booth next to Minhyuk made him even more mad. He’d be pouting the whole time, but only in a way that you could tell, and everything he said seemed to be a little dig at you. When you guys were done and all walking out he’d trail behind you, scoffing just loud enough for you to hear and when you finally had enough you couldnt care less that the other boys were with you. When you rounded on him and asked what his problem was the first thing he did was let his eyes flick to the other boys, but that wasn’t the answer. When you turned and walked the other way he’d be the one to follow you, trying to stop you a few times by latching on to your arm. He’d be taken aback by your explosion when you finally told him what was bothering you he’d sigh, not knowing what to say. You made a point, telling him he couldn’t tell you who to hang out with but keep your relationship in the dark. It hurt him that you pointed out his flaws, and how true it was that he had been treating you like shit. And without caring that anyone was watching he'd pull you into a hug and kiss your forehead as he muttered an apology. When you finally hugged him back he'd ask you if you wanted to go somewhere to talk that wasn't in the view of everyone walking by.

Hyungwon:

The purpose of keeping you a secret from the guys was so the relationship could be just between the two of you, so he could it just you and him without having the teasing and poking of hist friends, but he'd never actually admit that. Seeing you sitting and having a healthy conversation with Changkyun made him mad, mainly because he wanted to be doing that with you, and if they knew Changkyun wouldn't be sitting that close to you. But instead of getting mad at changkyun he started getting mad at you. He had told you many times though to not give him any extra attention, especially when you were around the boys. He'd pout the whole night and when he snuck over to your place later that night as planed he'd pout. He'd never yell at you, but he'd be alot more distant and uninterested. He'd be like that for a while before he was actually able to talk to you about how he felt, and once he was able to tell you how he was feeling he'd weirdly want to start telling people and treating you like more of a girlfriend than a hookup. 

Jooheon:

He'd hear from someone else that you were planning on having dinner with Wonho, someone you had jokingly said was a fantasy of yours. At first he'd pretend like he didnt care, not wanting it to seem like the person he had been sleeping with for the past year wasn't allowed to find an actual boyfriend, especially since he had told you many times that it was nothing more than a friendship where you saw each other naked. But no matter how hard he tried to push the thought of you leaving him for someone else,let alone a friend, made him feel sick. The night of your date he'd show up last minute before you were about to leave. He'd look anxious as he walked into your apartment, looking around to make sure no one else was there and when he decided the coast was clear he'd pull you into his chest and tell you not to go. When you looked at him like he was crazy he'd step back and tell you that the didnt want to see you with anyone. That it made him sick to even think about it. When you jokenly asked him if he had caught feelings for you, it was surprise that he said yes. It wouldn't take more for you to call and cancel last minute, mainly so you could talk about this with Jooheon. For the first time around you he would drop the cool, tough guy act so he could tell you how he really felt. He'd sit there and tell you the he was sorry for realizing it just then, but he wanted to try and work things out so he could be with you entirely. 

Changkyun:

When he first saw you talking with Kihyun after one of their shows he didntthink much of it until he noticed how close he kept getting to you. He'd roll his eyes, even scoff to himself at Kihyuns attempts since he knew you were always under him, but seeing how soft you had become and how hard you were blushing he wouldn't be able to get that out of his mind. He wouldn't think much of it towards the end of the night though, especially since the two of you had ‘plans’. When you bailed on him he didnt care too much, but when he saw that Kihyun had been texting you non stop a few days later he'd start to get a little mad. The next time the two of you came together to hook up he'd stop half way through, not being able to get you with Kihyun out of his mind. He'd bring it up randomly, and kind of harshly. When you asked why he cared so much, bringing up that this was just for fun he'd blurt out in almost a yelling way that he had feelings for you. He'd stand up quickly and try to dress himself so he could leave, almost embarrassed that he had blurted that out but when you wrapped your arms around his torso he'd settle back onto the bed. You'd try to get him to talk to you about it but he'd be too proud, but you could tell there was a shift in him. Especially since the next morning after you convinced him to just spend the night he asked you on a date.

Kitty

[missjackil]

A Dose of SPN Positivity!

For those who know me, they know I love this show.... flaws and all! im critical sometimes, but not overly. Bottom line, I am addicted to the story and Im in love with Sam and Dean.  With Season 14 about to start, and we’re all getting antsy, too much negativity has been flying around, so I want to share some things i love most about the show, and maybe make some of you reflect for a moment and think “Yeah, that is pretty great” and smile.  Supernatural has been referred to as “The Little Show That Could” and to me, its such a fitting description. Logically, on the surface, it looks like it just can’t. I mean, how can a fantasy/horror show, survive with such a low budget, light special effects, and not very scary most of the time. I mean hell, they dont even have that many monsters that look like monsters, so why has it lasted longer than a season or 2? Let alone, 14 seasons with no signs of stopping yet. First and foremost is obvious. Sam and Dean and the actors who play them.  This essay will be full of gushing about these boys, so if you dont feel like enduring such a hardship, scroll on past. if that interests you.....

Yes these 2 fabulous men are the life blood of this show. Without them, we’d have nothing. THEY are the reason, this little show can, and does. Even those who like one and not the other, even if they dont realize it, the one they prefer is who they are because of the other. Both of their qualities and flaws can be directly linked to their influence on each other. If for some reason the other was gone for good, the one left will change drastically. As we see when one is dead or in grave danger, albeit temporarily, the other changes. Sam is no longer sweet, laid back and practical, and Dean is no longer funny, charming, and nurturing.  In fact, they both seem to become an amplified version of their brother. When Sam dies, Dean gets quiet, sometimes too quiet. He also gets methodical and focused. You may get lucky and just get shot in the back, but if he chooses to speak, he chooses his words to let you know shits gonna hit the fan. “You have my brother, and you have one chance, just one, to hand him over, and if he isnt in one peice, when I find you, and I WILL find you, I will take you apart” Sam on the other hand is boiling over with emotion. My boy becomes savage. He doesnt always choose a lot of words to say, he gets his whole point across most of the time with “WHERES MY BROTHER???!!!!” This... my friends, is good stuff! These things couldnt be done with such beauty without Jared and Jensen. Their offscreen relationship, whatever it may be, is wonderful. Theres no denying the love and respect they have for each other. They are very supportive of each other, and help make the other better at their job. They’re not typical actors who have a work relationship but otherwise spend time with each other. They genuinely enjoy being together, and this shows on screen. When two people are this good at their jobs, and with each other, you just have to keep watching. Other things I love about the show, are kinda small. Some maybe youve never noticed, but maybe now you will and enjoy them too, like... Brains vs Brawn: At first glance, we all go Sam=brains, Dean=brawn right? But thats not actually the case. Dean is far from stupid, and Sam is nowheres near a wimp. Dean teases Sam about being a nerd, and Sam doesnt mind, he kinda wears his nerdiness like a badge of honor. Dean will never admit to being a nerd, but he is. He’s read Vonnegut, knows every old west cowboy statistic, and likes LARPing. Sam, though a bookworm, is one tough mofo. hes tall and muscular and has shown to be a little freakishly strong. He can also take a great deal of pain. And though Dean is known more to be the fighter, he can be very warm and nurturing. And nerdy Sam can make you shit your pants with just a look if you piss him off just right. I absolutely LOVE this balance!! Its one of my favorite things! Old school vs New; A lot has changed in 14 seasons. The brothers have grown, as well as the story, but their roots are never forgotten. They’re still driving around in the same car. Hell. Baby has become the 3rd lead! Even though they have mom back, they never forgot her, or dad, and both were spoken of often throughout the series. They refer back to old days often, so we can all get a feel of nostalgia when we remember too. Most episodes bring the deep past up in one way or another, I love this! Loss and Death: I know so many of us complain that they die and come back too much, but I have a real appreciation for it, The circumstances are always different, and so are the methonds of coming back. Sometimes the death isnt serious, or they dont “seem” dead, like in First Blood or Dark Side of the Moon, when there may have been an initial “wtf?” we got to see them in heaven, and in first blood, they came right back. However there was deep seriousness in All Hell Breaks Loose, No Rest for the Wicked,  Do You Believe in Miracles, Swan Song, Red Meat and Beat The Devil that you felt the dying brother’s physical pain, and then the emotional pain of the surviving brother.  No matter how many times they die, they still hit these types of episodes out of the park. WE may know theyre coming back, but they dont. it still crushes them and I love this! Sam and Dean’s Sexuality: I love that their sexual natures are different, but theyre both okay. Dean is sexually active, enjoys porn and vocalizes some fantasies, Though Sam can tease him a little, its just brotherly ribbing, its not judgemental or trying to make Dean feel bad. Sam isnt overly sexual, he’s gone many seasons without sex at all. He doesnt appear to enjoy porn, we know he doesnt like strip clubs, and its NOT because he’s unattractive!! Dean teases him but he doesnt try to make him feel bad. When he has heavily suggested that Sam get laid, its just because he wants him to have fun. Dean even said he appreciated that Sam wanted to stay pure and waited. Otherwise, its okay that Sam is (at least kinda) asexual. Neither are shunned or judged because of their sexuality. Winsync: This is one of the greatest things. if they didnt do this, we wouldnt care, we would never say “It would be a much better show if the brothers mirrored each other, or did the same thing at the same time” but for whatever reason, TPTB wanted this, and it works so well! Its an intimacy we can see without the show going OTT bromantic. Its the connection, the closeness, and being soulmates. I LOVE this! Soulmates and Brothers: Normally a show will make soulmates out of lovers. It’s not often they do it with siblings. It helps justify their deep love and devotion. It adds an additional layer to their relationship. It makes them so tied together that they will share eternity in heaven together, and not just in their memories. This was a very good decision made by Kripke and crew, so we will all know they cant live without each other, even if they just lived in different homes. I love this! Meta Madness: Though I dont like all the meta episodes, I do love the fact they can do them, and DO do them. Because the whole premise is the supernatural, nothing is impossible, even AUs and cartoon worlds. Sometimes I might roll my eyes, but its awesome to me that they can experiment this way and see how it goes. I Love this!! The Bros are Oblivious: Sam and Dean have been through basically everything, and have seen and done everything, yet they seem shocked when people say theyre famous, or when they heard people tell stories about them. Occasionally they grasp their importance, like when they tell people they save the world, but they were impressed that Asa fixed killed 5 Wendigo, and had an Angel Blade, and Father Luca met the Pope. I mean God hung out at the bunker and made them pancakes! Their Heads Dont Get Too Big: Every once in a while, TPTB make sure we, and the boys, remember that they are only human. Even if they lock away Satan, kill Death, save God’s life, they’re just men. Remember when Bobby died and Dean was sure he wouldnt because “its just one bullet!” ? I can see how it would seem so silly to Dean, and even to us, that someone who has lived through so much, could die from a stupid little bullet. I think that one of the smartest things the show has done in ages, was to have Sam tortured by Toni and friend. Sam was so bold and cocky (and need I say sexy?) telling Toni he’d been tortured by the devil himself, and what could she do to him... He soon learned Hell torture or not,  cold showers still suck, blow torches to the feet still hurt like hell, and a mortal human can still fuck with his head. And Dean, well he can still be put on the injured reserve list from a jacked up leg. IMO S12 was great for re-humanizing the Winchesters. I love this! Comedy to Tragedy: Some of the best episodes, started out funny and ended in a tear jerker. Mystery Spot, Just My Imagination, and Beat The Devil top my list. I love the emotional rollar coaster, Coming away exhausted from an episode is the bestthing I can ask for! They havent tried it the other way around, tragedy to comedy, and thats good. If you are crying at the beginning and laughing later, it doesnt justify the grief and you may feel let down and hollow after. SPN is great with having some humor in even the most depressing episodes, but they know when using it and leaving it out is best. I love this! Brohugs: My #1 favorite thing, aside from the hug in 6.1, they have all been beautiful. Not once, have the boys lost the love, or even repeated the same hug. Each one conveys a different message, a different emotion, but all say “I love you more than everything” and I wont ever get tired of them! I would do anything for a single hug in my whole life that had such love in it, as any Winchester bro hug! I.LOVE.THIS!! Now I hope if you read this far, you got to smile a few times, and a spark was added to the fire that you fell in love with 14 seasons ago. Here’s to S14, i hope its filled with all of these wonderful things!

[whatimconsuming]

The story of Discord is the story of platform shifts. Jason Citron started his career in game development studios creating some of titles for Xbox and Play Station 2 (that’s how old he is 😂) that you probably never heard of 😬. Platform Shift: Mobile In the 2008, the “app store” was just announced and Jason thought this would be the perfect time to take the entrepreneurial plunge. His thesis was that with the launch of mobile gaming on the iPhone he would get “free distribution” if he manages to become a “launch title” (ie develop his game before the app store is live). After all, whenever a new console comes out, there is always new set of games that offer a new kind of experiences that are “native” to that console and new gaming behaviors are born….this was a once in a life opportunity. Jason raised some seed capital from the uncle of one of his roommates and was off to the races building Aurora feint. He pulled off being a launch title and Aurora feint was one of only 50 games that were available on the app store on the blessed day.

The Good News: it got rave reviews…partly because of the limited competition at the time, but also because Jason was just an extremely talented game developer. The Bad News: the business model didn’t really work. Aurora feint’s Business Model The Business model for the game was very similar to other stuff that Jason had worked on in the past. He gave the game away for free and build a premium version that had multiplayer dynamics (such as competing with friends on leaderboards...competing in ghost matches....etc)….this was a very common behaviour for PC….but what he didn’t realize at the time was that with new platforms…comes new expectations and subsequently new consumer behaviors. The $8 price tag (probably out of thin air) to access those social features didn’t really work. As time went by, and more games were build around the iPhone, and the price tag was anchored at $0.99 - $4.99. Jason and his 5 person company made a meager $30k in revenue from this game….a far cry from a “hit” game.

The pivot to OpenFeint One day, while discussing with the another founder, Citron realized that the iPhone did not have Xbox live in it, but their Aurora Feint 2 did have a similar feature. From my very shallow understanding Xbox live is just a platform that allows gamers to play multiplayer games, communicate with each and discover new games. In an act of desperation, Jason decided to spin out those social features and sell them to other developers, in an attempt to become equivalent the Xbox live for iPhone….the only problem was he didn’t really have any money to pay his engineers let alone hire new ones to build this in time…or anyone for that matter….to get Jason put up a landing page...photoshopped a couple of fake screenshots ...the message was "xbox live for mobile." He convinced Techcrunch to cover “the launch” and took that mailing list to investors…sprinkled some “vision” on it and raised a bridge round. He used the money from that round to hire 10 new developers to actually build the product The $104m payout

Over the next two years Openfeint took over Jason’s life. As someone whose life revolved around gaming, I can’t even imagine how it must have felt like to build the entire infrastructure for social gaming on the iPhone. By 2010, Openfeint had more than 10 million users and was powering 30 of the top 100 games on the App Store. Next year the company was acquired by a Japanese company (named GREE…but thats not really important) for a whopping $104 million (for reference the company ever raised $3m). When Jason signed on the dotted line, it was under the expectation that he will now have the resources to build the Xbox live for mobile. But as with many acquisitions…the story took a sour turn after the deal closed… Rinse and repeat (for iPad) Jason took a 7 months hiatus after being booted out of his own company. Jason took the time-off playing video games….A LOT of video games. Around that time, in 2013 the iPad was in its first years of inception and slowly making it to the main stream. While everyone saw iPad as a tablet, Jason saw it as a new platform shift for gaming…specifically for playing team-based games. He hypothesized that the iPad would make these kind of multi-player games more accessible and that the only problem was that there wasn’t enough high quality games being produced. Ready for round 2…Jason started another company…this time named Hammer and Chisel. Hammer and Chisel was a game development house that focused exclusively on creating high-quality iPad games. The vision for Hammer and Chisel was to replicate the Openfeint model for iPad. Fates Forever

After a few hit-and-miss with launching different games (3 to be specific), Jason had Another ONE(idea) up his sleeve…this time for a game called Fates forever. In a true Sell-Build-Ship manner that we can come to expect from Jason, instead of putting in the hours to build a game and see it crumble in-front of his eyes, he, instead, chunked up the art ....and started posting it on reddit along with explaining how the “game worked”(there was no game at the time…just some art). He took feedback from and incorporated it into into the art and ultimately the game mechanics. Six months later, Fates Forever shipped to the app store, and yet again didn’t really live up to the expectations of Jason or the team. The pivot to Discord

Jason was going around in circles trying to figure out how he can “fix” Fates Forever. In a conversation with Stanislav (Stan) Vishnevskiy (a developer at Hammer and Chisel then and cofounder of Discord later) Jason was complaining to Stan that the chat experience on Faints Forever sucked. He then went on a rant explaining how the ideal communication platform SHOULD work for developers. And so the OG idea of Discord was born. The idea was building Teamspeak meet skype. To take a step back Teamspeak was one of the more popular tools at the time used by gamers who played team vs team games. The problem with Teamspeak, at least from Stan’s prespective, was that to start a conversation on Teamspeak users had to download the app, pay for it and share their IP address (IP address is kind of like your mailing address) with other team members. Cutting through the noise Jason and Stan started building the first version of Discord as a side project within the company. First 20 customers The first 20 customers for Discord were friends, friends and friends. For the first 5 months, Jason and Stan were building Discord and hammering their gamer friends to use it. Their friends signed up but weren’t actually really using the product. Everytime they asked them why, they highlighted that they needed this feauture or that feature. Stan and Jason would go build it and come back to them…they got excited for a minute and then demanded more features. This loop kept going on and on and at some point the team had spent 3 weeks not shipping anything, they figured that maybe Discord just wasn’t as important as they had previously thought. First 200-300 customers Those 3 weeks where yet another reminder to Jason of how important distribution was. He figured that gaming communities were far and wide on the internet and that the product was at a point where it could be stress tested by more than just his unappreciative friends. So Jason and Stan got one of the friends to post in the Final Fantasy 14(a popular game at the name) subreddit. They reason they narrowed down to this one specific game was that there was a new expansion (i.e new features, content..etc) coming out which meant that was a lot of anticipation, speculation and excitement about the new release on reddit.

Their friend posted a simple link saying “"Hey...did anyone try this new voiceover IP app called discord [link to a voice chat].“ Jason and Stan immediately jumped onto the voice chat and started talking to anyone who showed up. The Redditors would go back, say "I just talked to the developers there, they're pretty cool," and send even more people to Discord. That kind of kicked the snowball off the top of the mountain.

Fun fact: Discord now claims this day (May 13, 2015) as their “launch day” First 1000 customers For the next 1000 customers, Jason and Stan focused all their product work on just 3 games, all of which had upcoming expansions (i.e new releases) in an attempt to make integrations with these games as seamless as possible. They then did the same Reddit routine, got a friend to post on the game’s subreddit asking if member had tried using Discord and accompanying that message a link to a voice chat where Jason and Stan were waiting to meet and greet and answer any questions anyone had. To double down on that strategy, Jason and Stand started doing some 1:1 promotion with “guilds” of these games. Guilds are “an organized group of video game players that regularly play together in one or more multiplayer games. Many guilds take part in gaming competitions, but some guilds are just small gaming squads consisting of friends. “

[dawnowar]

I don’t wear a lot of makeup. Cause I’m 50. Well 49 and a half. or so. I don’t look my age and that’s cool. I dye my hair cause it comes in grey but I dyed it since I was 16 so its not a big thing. 

I love makeup, dont get me wrong. I wear enough when I go out. Sometimes too much. It’s hard to get it just right cause when you get older it sinks into your fine lines and makes you look much older. 

I have a lot of friends who are significantly younger than me. Almost all of them really. Because I like to do things younger people do and I don’t like to do whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing with people my age. 

I don’t even know what that is. 

But I’m pretty sure I don’t like doing it. 

My girlie friends who are much younger than me spend time and money on makeup that I just don’t anymore, because my skin looks better than its ever looked. I had acne from the day i turned 16 to somewhere around 42 I think. I still get a pimple now and again but its pretty rare. Maybe because I wear a lot less makeup. 

I like to make some attempt at covering the dark circles under my eyes. And I like to wear eye shadow, mascara and lipstick. I’m not gonna give myself cartoon eyebrows no matter how trendy they get. 

I decided years ago that all the girls i know who draw on completely fake faces are pretty much showing me who they really are.. Girls who look fake usually are fake. I decided not to be one of them. 

I like makeup though. When I could wear a ton of it, I most certainly did. So it’s weird for me when the young girls I know talk about makeup and exclude me from the conversation thinking me a person who doesn’t care about such things. 

But makeup has gotten a lot more expensive than it used to be too, and girls it seems are taking youtube makeup tips from drag queens these days. It seems like you have to wear a lot more makeup, you have a lot more products and you have to buy really expensive brands to be in with the cool kids.

Every once in awhile I’ll buy one of these expensive products and I almost always don’t see enough of a difference between the cheaper brands to buy that again. 

I posted a selfie last night after I just put on my makeup. It always looks best in the first 10 minutes. I go out and eat and drink and sweat and its rare i come back home looking as pretty as I started.

I dont generally take makeup with me. I put it on and I go out and it fades away or it doesn’t. Sometimes I’ll take lipstick if i know im gonna be eating. Even my lipstick I need to wear lighter lip liners now because it settles in my fine lines and wrinkles I didnt even know were there.

I don’t mind looking more natural. I feel like it’s a visual sign to people that I’m more real than the other girls. I like to think that’s true. 

I dye my hair a lighter color than i did when i was younger too. its subtle but it makes a difference and keeps you younger looking. 

Most guys one or two years younger than me look and act about 10 years older than me and are in shock and disbelief when i correct them for talking to me like I’m too young to remember things they do. I’ll swear to them I’m older than they are. I can win drinks that way if I make bets before I show em my drivers licence. 

I really think a lot of it is because women my age who look good lie about their age. Because they can get away with it. So no one knows what women my age actually look like anyway. That’s why everyone thinks I’m in my late 30s/early 40′s.

When I *was* in my 30′s people guessed my age at 3 years older than they were. No matter what age they were. 

Last time I told a guy how old I was he was really confused. He’s known me for years. One of the first conversations we had was about how I was way older than he was thinking I was. I knew how old he was but he lied to me and made himself 10 years younger. Thinking I was about 10 years younger than him and I’d be more interested if he were of similar age. Which effectively made him too young for me. I told him what was what. Cause I’m like that. and he was all noooooooo can’t be.. and i guess he forgot about it cause it was all new to him all over again a few weeks ago. 

I don’t mind being old. Younger guys are into it so there’s no issue there but I do have this weird fear that I’m about to cross the 50 threshold and its all over for me after that. It’s probably not true but I do feel like there’s a limit to how old an older woman can get and still be considered sexy. 

I don’t know what I do after that. Once I get too old. I’m sure I’ll still be cute and fun and I’ll still do stuff but I think there’s a point when you get old when people think you’re “spunky”, but not “sexy” anymore.

So I’m kinda milking the sexy older woman stereotype while I still can cause I think im nearing the end of my shelf life with that. 

But truthfully the “sexy older woman” isn’t really me. I’m not that into cougaring anyone. The boys want me to. Cause they’ve got some fantasy about that, but it’s not who I am or what I do or what I’m looking for in a relationship. 

Because when it comes right down to it, That’s really just them wanting to use me for sex while imagining that *I’m* using *them* for sex. 

I’m in a good place right now. I have a good life and I like where I’ve landed. My cute little house, my two perfect kitty cats who at the moment aren’t causing me any issues, my job I actually like for clients i get along with and lots of cats and dogs to pass my work days with. I like my city and I’ve made some friends here I trust and care about. 

I don’t feel like I have any old issues or baggage outstanding. I’ve dealt with my shit and I’ve framed everything in a good way. I feel like I’ve said what I’ve needed to say to who I’ve needed to say it to. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m working on not repeating them. I’m not self-destructive and I try to be a good supportive friend for people. I’m not perfect but I try and I think I get it more right than wrong most of the time these days. 

So life is grand and I’m gonna be 50 in four more months.

I never knew what that would look like for me. 

I feel like a lot of the things I used to be sad about or worry about don’t matter so much anymore. Like I’ve learned to let things go better. Not just grudges. I never put a lot of faith in other people’s expectations of me so those things never weighed heavily on me, but I think I had some of my own that I haven’t been able to get right yet. I’ve only recently given myself permission to be happy anyway and I’ll either get there or I won’t. 

They say life begins at 40. When I turned 40 I kind of expected some magical change to occur. I even moved cities and tried to affect the change myself but i can’t say there ever really was one. 

but somewhere inbetween 40-50 I learned to be less hard on myself. I fixed one problem at a time until there were more things right in my life than wrong with my life. And then things were pretty good. 

as I approach the 50 mark, it seems like most things are pretty good. Best life I’ve lived ever. Thank goodness. It feels like a relief. To be able to sit in my living room and feel like everything is good. 

Not perfect but good. 

I wear less makeup and I dye my hair a lighter color. I’ve softened a lot of my edges metaphorically as well. It’s a better look all around when you’re older.

[introvert-dragon]

Hiccupy heart (Chapter 3)

Summary: It didn’t matter that Hiccup and Astrid used to be best friends, somewhere in grade school or middle school, back when life used to be fun, with him having plus one leg and one mother, before everyone hit their growth spurt. Until Hiccup finally got his soul mark; And guess who’s name was it? Astrid Hofferson. Soul mate AU.

Previous Chapter | FF.net | Ao3

A/N: An Update in a week!? I did it!

It’s all thanks to your awesome support guys. Keep em’ coming! Even though I got only 1/3rd views compared to the first chapter - you guys are still awesome.

Without further ado,

(No beta for this chapter, watch out for errors.)

It took him all weekend, but Hiccup finally had a plan in mind. A very simple and effective plan; Avoid Astrid Hofferson, in any form or kind (thoughts included), like a plague and eventually move on with the whole Astrid being his soul mate thing, that was it.

In theory, what could possibly go wrong? The less he saw her in his life, the fewer ideas would be getting on his head, that would likely end up with him embarking on another quest for Astrid Hofferson and Highschool Royalty.

With great effort, he managed to do just as he planned. Until Hiccup randomly craved for the cafeteria's infamous 'The Goethi's Soggy Fries' with special yak buttermilk dipping. So Hiccup decided to make a quick stop to the cafeteria before he headed home.

There shouldn't be a problem with that. From what he knew, there was still at least half an hour before Tennis Practice ended.

As soon as he arrived in the cafeteria though, there goes his plan. Astrid Hofferson was there sitting on her boyfriend's lap for all of the cafeteria to see.

That shouldn't be a problem for Hiccup, He simply needed to turn his head around and look the other way. But goddammit! His boyfriend seriously needed some lesson in public display of affection.

Hiccup could clearly see the annoyance showing in her perfect beaut... Astrid's face. He really needed to get a grip. He almost let himself worship her face, and oh my! Look at her freckles they're so– Gah! –and there goes his resolve.

Hiccup reminded himself that She always knew.

Something flared up inside him, the tip of his finger tingling unbearably, his fingers clawing on his palm. He wasn't sure if it was anger or jealousy.

It should have been him.

Astrid must have been feeling so good for herself, having a boyfriend who was a living embodiment of Jon Snow, only with a tattoo on his chin, but a little bit on the brainless side(which he was sure made things easier for her), who, was not a hiccup like him, who was supposedly her soul mate—Soul mate she didn't want. He was Eret son of fucking Eret. Hiccup could tell that Astrid probably... not probably— she definitely wished that the name on her wrist would have been Eret's not him.

Hiccup wondered if Astrid had started dating Eret before or after she got her soul mark. He wished it was the former; not that it mattered.

Hiccup watched as Eret's lips tried to go for Astrid's neck once again, but Astrid just elbowed the muscle-head hard on his ribs. Gods, Eret couldn't get a fucking clue.

Hiccup would have treated Astrid better, but he knew that Astrid was not someone who wanted to be taken care of. She was Astrid Hofferson. She always made clear that she was perfectly capable of herself, and she certainly proved that. In fact, she got hundreds of broken nose, and bones to attest that.

His breathing felt heavier as he felt something burning red in his chest. He didn't realize how hard his eyes were trained on the couple until his eyes met Astrid's for a split second. She diverted her gaze but Hiccup continued to glare as their eyes met again.

This time, Hiccup's resentment wasn't directed to her boyfriend. It was all on the owner of the name written on his left forearm, his 'so-called' soul mate.

Astrid flinched, she tried to hide it but he noticed and for a moment her eyes showed hints of mortification; He was probably imagining things.

Hiccup closed his eyes, breaking the gaze and breathed a long-drawn sigh to calm his drumming heart. He opened his eyes to meet hers again and suddenly felt his left forearm throbbed sharply, causing him to drop the extra large bucket of fries from his trembling hands.

Hiccup ran away with no particular destination in mind. He just needed to leave, anywhere away from Astrid. He just couldn't stand the sight of her ... It was too painful.

Unfortunately, being a one-legged man, he could only run so much and wasn't supposed to run like that in the first place. Pain, soreness, and cramp overcame his left leg—he needed to sit down, and check on it.

Then Astrid was there, standing near him, watching him with her eyes wide, filled with terror. Hiccup almost cowered at her gaze and wished to vanish without a trace from the universe.

No—He wasn't going to be defined by his stupid attraction to his soul mate anymore.

Hiccup took a deep breath and met Astrid's gaze with as much as courage he could muster. Without breaking the gaze, He stood up straight despite his left leg's protest, squared his shoulders, tucked his chin, and walked away with as much as dignity a one-legged man could.

But it was all an act, his refusal to appear weak in front of his soul mate. As soon as he got home, Hiccup didn't even bother changing his clothes as he went straight to his bed, burying himself in layers of pillows and blanket.

Hiccup found himself screaming in his bedroom, self-destructing for all he cared.

After he was done with his self-destruct sequence. Hiccup felt numb and tired in many ways, that he could do no more than stare at the ceiling of his room, while he contemplated his life.

Hiccup had tendencies to tunnel vision, not that he was a narrow-minded minded person. He was just 'too stubborn for his own good' quoting his father and Gobber. And that specific trait probably got him most of his trouble.

Unlike his father, who loved to remind him that 'When I was a boy... I knew what I was, what I had to become –blah blah blah and rest of the story–' and Oh boy... If Hiccup ever had to hear that story again, he might very well bang his head against the rock, probably and get a skull-crushing headache – but it would be totally worth it if he never had to hear that lecture from his father again.

He was rambling, again, even in his own mind. The point was when Hiccup set his mind on something; an objective, a crazy invention, or a very impossible teenage crush turned into first love. He won't stop at anything to achieve it, but... well, only most of it ended up in failure or trouble.

And for once in his life, Hiccup actually got something right. Astrid Hofferson was indeed his soul mate. It was not just his daydreams or fantasy anymore. It was a fact, with physical evidence etched in his own skin.

But this time, he knew when to stop. In most cases, the reason Hiccup could never stop was all because of his curious mind, and the teenage part of him wanting to prove something.

She always knew.

If Astrid always knew that he was her soul mate. And was very clear that she didn't want him to be her soul mate.

What was there to prove for him? So what now?

The wound was still fresh for him, and the 'Pull' was still there, only that he never felt the 'Pull' this powerful, only in a bad way. If before when he would as much as breathe the same air as Astrid – He would feel like oxygen was overrated. But now that he got his soul mark, it was as if his attraction for Astrid was now oxygen itself. And oxygen was no longer overrated. He was like a moth attracted to a beacon of flame even if he knew that it would burn him.

That was why he needed a plan to avoid Astrid, in any form and kind. Even if he could still manage to walk away from his soul mate every time, he could act dignified and strong in the presence of his soul mate his whole life. But–

But in the end...

Hiccup, with all of his heart, still loved Astrid Hofferson.

The whole realization was painful. It was impossible for him to get over all his feelings for his soul mate over a weekend. Not especially when his feeling, had a very strong legitimate root – thirteen years of friendship, followed by a whole high school of worship.

It was impossible. Hiccup would never get over her.

Hiccup needed to do something, anything at all. He needed to be somebody, someone – For himself. This time it was about his life and his alone.

He tried to visualize a much better version of him. Where Hiccup didn't had the need to prove himself, to his father, his soul mate... or even himself. Where he would have Thor's mighty hammer for his arm instead of his noodle arms, both of his legs, and maybe he could play a ball game, and people would accept him.

Wouldn't that be something, Hiccup thought.

Hiccup sighed, getting tired of staring at the ceiling. He let his head drop to his right, his eyes landing on his favorite flying dragon-rider poster.

The one with a one-legged hero flying with his one-tail-finned black dragon.

Flying...

Fly...

Fly. If only he could fly away from berk, leave the archipelago. And in that way, he was sure to avoid Astrid Hofferson that way.

An idea struck to his mind...

Maybe Hiccup could actually do that...

Didn't his father always wanted him to enroll in a 'Real Program Degree' in an 'Actual University'?

He could do just that by studying abroad, where the top universities in the world were. And maybe, for once in his lifetime, his father would be proud of him... His boy enrolling in an Ivy League, Harvard, Yale... or wherever he wanted—with his academic performance it shouldn't even be an issue. Maybe he could get himself a scholarship in one of those universities, though money wasn't a problem for him. It wasn't like Hiccup will be missed either – he highly doubted that. His father barely came home every week.

This new plan of his was perfect—it would definitely work.

Unfortunately, this plan also involved him giving up on his own plans for college. And there goes one of his dreams. The said that dream involved going to the same college as Astrid Hofferson, he figured that his dreams were nothing less a fantasy.

It was a just stupid pinky promise from childhood. It was not like she remembered any of it.

"It was stupid," Hiccup muttered to himself.

"Yes, so stupid," Hiccup repeated as if he was trying to convince himself otherwise.

Besides, it was not like he had a choice – the only way his father would agree on this plan was Hiccup had to take a law degree.

But If it meant getting away from all these, where he could start fresh and try to be a better version of him. It was a compromise he was willing to take.

Million ideas started flowing in his mind on how this plan would just work out for him.

Four to Eight years in law school, give or take – even longer if he decided to take law for post-grad. That was a lot of time for himself – to discover himself.

He could get a dog.

He could travel.

He could meet new people who didn't know him as a Hiccup.

He could start fresh, and there was more to life than just his soul mate.

But none of them would be like being with Astrid Hofferson.

Hiccup shook his head, brushing off the thoughts before it festered his mind.

Hiccup let out a long-drawn sigh, sitting up straight, shrugging layer of blanket off him. At least his mood felt brighter with the notion of the freedom he could have soon.

With nothing more to do, Hiccup plopped back down to the bed, scrambled his pockets for his cellphone and fiddled with it for a while, until he started yawning and eventually dozed off.

The next time Hiccup opened his eyes – he was still dreaming.

After all, There was no way Astrid was in his room, sitting on his bed, watching him sleep. To prove his point, Hiccup reached out a hand to hold the said image of Astrid. And just about Hiccup was about to touch her, Astrid reached out for his hand and held on to it tightly.

The sensation of her hands and the feel of their soul marks resonating... It all felt too real... He didn't want it to end–

–Ding! Dong!

The loud doorbell woke him up, the whole vision in his dreams vanishing into smoke, as he jolted up straight, feeling shivery, goosebumps all over his skin, and cold sweat covering his body. Hiccup shook his head, to clear his foggy head, and calm his breathing.

It was just a dream... Astrid hadn't visited him for over four years, not even when he had an accident – She had no better reason to do so now. And yet, Hiccup couldn't help but feel a sinking feeling in his chest.

Ding! Dong! The doorbell rang again.

Hiccup groaned, he didn't really want to step out of his room for the day. He was sure it wasn't his father as his father just sent a message that he won't be back until a week. He contemplated to ignore the doorbell, and try to get back to his sweet dreams–

Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong!

Hiccup grumbled, swearing under his breath. Seriously, even in his dreams, he couldn't spend be allowed to be with his soul mate. Urk. Hiccup needed to get hold of his mind, It wasn't going to happen and was never going to happen.

She always knew, Hiccup reminded himself as if it was his mantra.

Whoever the visitor was seemed determined to continue with the barrage of doorbells – and for some reason, Hiccup had a bad feeling about this.

Begrudgingly, Hiccup stood up from his bed and stretched his limbs exaggeratedly as if he was trying to delay the time. The doorbells continued and Hiccup decided that stretching any longer wasn't going to help. Hiccup didn't bother getting himself appear presentable and just headed straight downstairs to 'excitedly' welcome the unwelcome visitor.

Hiccup sighed as finally, he arrived in the entrance of the house, stopping right in front of the gigantic two-door. He debated to grab a weapon for self-defense, but it was not like people in Berk were bold enough to cause trouble in Stoick Haddock's mansion. And if ever someone was planning something against the law, like, if ever someone was going to kidnap him for a ransom... They probably got the wrong household – they should know better how majestic his relationship with his father was.

So Hiccup finally unlocked the door, wincing when felt his left forearm pulsed when his left hand made a contact with the cold metal of the doorknob. When he was about to twist the knobs, the door was opened from the other side, and he was found himself drowning at a too familiar pair of ocean eyes, and dazzled by the ever so radiant golden-blonde hair.

There was Astrid Hofferson standing on the other side of the door. And before Hiccup could delve on another theory that he was still dreaming.

"Economics Project," Astrid said simply, and walked past him, welcoming herself into his home.

Gotta love dem’ cliffhangers. :P I told you the story will start picking up… and we finally get the real confrontation/interaction next chapter.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m not confident with this chapter…  So it would be great to hear from you guys, feed me with your validations… I need it! the next chapter will be even tougher to write. :D

How was it? Please don’t forget to hit like and/or reblog.

[survivorsupersmash-blog]

Rites of Passage

Timmy 

Julian

           -We weren’t on the same tribe, so we didn’t get to talk.

Isaac

           -We weren’t on the same tribe but also, I can’t imagine that we would’ve worked   together in this game.

Madison

           -Love your titties, sorry you got out.

Asya

           -Honestly glad you didn’t make merge because you and Jacob would’ve been attached at   the hip and we wouldn’t work together.

Jay

           -It’s been forever since we’ve played in the same game. We never seem to work together, and I was hoping that this game would be different but then you weren’t around.

JG

           -Robbed king! That tribe swap did you dirty and you didn’t deserve that. You’re a great  friend and I hope you’re doing well.

David

           -Word of advice: when drunk, stay out of a game chat.

Jacob

           -I don’t think we actually ever spoke, but in the round you left, it was either you or me, so           I wasn’t going to let it be me.

Clash

           -I am so happy we worked together in this game. You’re a great person and a great friendand it was a pleasure getting to know you. You got kind of extra at some points but that          was the fun of getting to work with you.

Sammy

           -We’ve played so many games together but haven’t ever actually worked in them together. I thought this time was that and while we did it was going great. Unfortunately,     you decided to go against me, and it didn’t work out. I did enjoy getting to know you        more this time around.

Orion

           -I really don’t know where to start. I thought we would be good in this game but then you           started going around saying I was working with friends…while you’re one of my friends       so that was weird. Granted I hope nothing of what happened in this game changes that      fact though.

Dennis

           -You are one of my best friends, but you did a lot of shady shit this game. It was a            whirlwind speaking to you and seeing you play in this game. It was exciting but also             terrifying. Very different from Islands of Adventure…unsure if it was different from         Barcelona, because who remembers Barcelona.

TJ

           -Although we didn’t talk a lot one on one, it was great getting to know you and working    with you during this game. What’s funny is that some people painted you as one of the       people I was working with when they said “he’s working with his friends” yet we had to            add each other on skype when this game started lol.

Brandon

           -You always wanted me out and I still don’t get it. But it is what it is, I don’t really know            what to write. I thought we would be better than we were in Barcelona, but honestly, I            think this game ended worse for us, I hope it can get better though.

Billy

           -King, Legend, Friend. 3 great words to describe you. You know I love you and you’re one of my best friends no matter what. It sucked having to vote you out, but you were going to win, and it was obvious. I hope you’re having an amazing time in Disney World.

Chelsea

Julian- we really didn't get talk much and by that I mean we didn't talk at all lmfao. Hooefully we can change that next time!

Isaac- Like Julian, we didn't talk at all but we have in the past and you're cool ❤

Madison- My first fallen sister. Ugh. Gone too soon, rip my sweet angel.

Asya- My second fallen sister. That vote was fucked and you should have gone farther. I'm glad we got to work together for the short time we had.

Jay- We didn't talk but it's okay.

JG- You have always been so sweet towards me and I am so sorry for voting you to go home. I hope you understand why I thought it was necessary and I hope we get to play again soon.

David- I had fun talking with you for the short time we had. You reached out to me first and I appreciate that so much. I'm not the greatest at making the first move and reaching out to people I don't know, but I'm glad you did.

Jacob- we talked about dogs for a hot minute and we have neighboring birthdays. Iconic. Happy belated!!

Clash- Oh Clash. I hope you understand why i had to vote you out and that it wasn't personal. Things were getting messy and closer to the end and like with other members, I felt like my time in this game would be coming to an end if I let you go any further. You still played a good game even though you're farily new to the community.

Sammy- Video editing KINGGGGGGGG thank you for always doing a slamming hot job on our tribe music videos. You are a legend.

Orion- I don't know if you'll even see this but I'm sorry things had to go the way they did. I needed you to go because things were getting messy and i felt like my game was being threatened every round closer to the end. I didn't want to use my power on you, i wanted to use it on me, and being that i made it to final 3, I'm sorry but I would likely do it all over again. You can hate me all you want, but I feel like you'd do the same if it meant you'd make it far, hell, I would HOPE you wouldn't waste a power on me when you could have used it for your own game. I hope that you can move on from it and i hope the game was fun regardless of what happened.

Dennis- Dennis i love playing with you and im happy for you for making single digits! You have always played a pretty fair game and i respect that. Danke for a fun time!

TJ- Your game is so awesome and I honestly think you could have won this game if you had made it to the end. I'm sorry for not being honest with you every round but I hope I redeemed myself during your few final rounds that I'm not always a shithead. Also, thank you for telling me that im not a cardboard box!!!

Brandon- I hope you know that your vote was not personal. You are so nice to me and I'm proud of you for making it so far! I used my power on you because i wasn't sure if you'd vote me again and it was the last round to use them. I had to do what I had to do and I hope you don't think anything of it other than it just being part of the game.

Billy- My best frand. I love you. Thank you for introducing me to the survivor community. I'm so thrillled to be sitting in final 3 and I hope me voting you didnt ruin your time in Disney. Thank you for your loyalty and helping me learn more about myself and my own game. You are an amazing player and your time will come. Honestly if you made it to F3 instead of me, i truly believe it would have been a tough vote. Anyway, thanks again for being an amazing and understanding friend. You're the friggin best, hun.

Michael 

Julian:

JULIAN, ahhhhh i really hate this so bad because i know your track record with tumblr orgs, but if it’s any consolation at all i really did try and save you and i hope to god you start feeling some success because you deserve it and if i do not win this game i know it will be karma for voting you out.

Isaac:

You’re gay so that means you’re going to hell but you have a great personality and all in all i was pretty sad to see you go but gotta protect my girl Madison. Madison:

My fucking queen, i missed you playing this game so muchhhhhhhhhhhh you make every game we play that much better and not just because i get to see your tit-smile but also because youre a shining light in any season and if things had been different who knows how far you could’ve gone.

Asya:

Coming into this game you honestly scared me because your social game is PHENOMENAL and it showed with how much control you had in the early stages of the game and all that, and im hopeing making final tribal council helps put that fear of me back into you that ihos made die.

Jay:

Thanks for coming bro.

JG:

MY FUCKING GOD YOU WERE ROBBED!!!!!! You’re one of my best friends ever and honestly more like a brother to me and it bares repeating you were ROBBED!

Jury

David:

Ever since your GF literally messaged me saying how youre a cool guy i knew youd be an interesting player this season and you didn’t disappoint, i honestly did try really hard to save you and i know you had so much untapped potential.

Jacob:

If you hurt Asya i’ll hurt you im so glad someone in this cast can find love, you were great this game and im glad you made it as far as you did even tho i wanted your ass GONE.

Clash:

You are CRAZY and i think you know it sksksksk honestly you are one of a kind in life and this game without you would probably be so fucking boring it’s unreal.

Sammy:

Sammy me boy, i absolutely love the energy you bring to every single game and its something we NEED, you know i adore you and im sorry i had to turn on you.

Orion:

During the Challenge i discovered your true identity i was living my scooby doo fantasy and it was a highlight of the season seeing it and gasping, we had the most interesting working relationship this game for me being each others double agent and it was cute.

Dennis:

Voting for you was the hardest thing i had to do bro, youre my world and you know that im so glad we got to play another org together after the disaster of our previous one and it was such a gag seeing you play the idol like woah. TJ:

BRO BRO BRO, you got fucked over by jigglypuff sksksksksksk but you were my one of my closest allies in this game and your elimination was my only real blindside in this game as you probably saw on my face but you honestly deserve at the very least runner up for player of the season.

Brandon:

Another guy taken out by an advantage sksksks honestly this was a fun time because you were one of the few people i didnt know too well so it was great to get to know you since the tribe swap.

Billy:

Ok so Storytime, we’ve had a rocky ride since lake victoria and honestly for a time i legit thought you hated me sksksksk BUT i can comfortably say that weve grown closer as time wears on and i can honestly consider you a really close friend and im glad for that, you slayed this fucking season and you deserve all the praise and recognition for that, and also enjoy disney!