#just like i wanna do irl tbh!!
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Happy Mexican heritage day, by the way! Thanks to my whitewashed-ass mom I didn't grow up with that much of the culture, but I'm proud to be a part of it nonetheless!! 💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖
To celebrate I'm gonna imagine showing my f/os things from Mexican culture where applicable > u <
#jane journals#self insert talk#crush: ❓️#I MEAN...SOOS IS MEXICAN TOO#my partner and i were joking about their s/i claiming to be his distant relative when we arrive at gravity falls#just cause their last name is also ramirez. they're puerto rican 😂😂#BUT I STILL REMEMBER#being a child at family gathering with those grandparents who ONLY spoke spanish#even if i didnt understand them they gave me treats and hugs so i still felt loved 🥺🥺#the food! the drinks! the music!#ugh it makes me miss that back home even though i know things arent the same with my irl family#maybe they never will be. but i can still look back on it fondly#ok sorry to be all serious in the tags#im gonna think about making enchiladas for the pines family!!#just bcs my s/i is a werewolf doesnt mean she loses the culture she was born to 😂😂#i imagine her family when they were around had a little spot they lived in to tell her stories#before they were chased out and she was raised by ACTUAL wolves#once she got old enough to reintegrate into society im sure she reconnected to her roots 😂😂#just like i wanna do irl tbh!!#i gotta....get duolingo or smth ajfkgkgk
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i always get mildly shocked when a friend of mine mentions they have a sibling. this is absolutely not rare in fact i think im the odd one out however i being an only child just kind of assume everybodys an only child unless stated otherwise
#i got over my being very lonely and wishing i had a sibling when i was like. twelve#but i do think it might have been neat. esp a younger sibling.#im sort of glad i didnt have one growing up bc#gestures vaguely. the family doesnt have enough money to have more than 3 people and also i already didnt get a ton of attention#(nothing against the rents theres Extenuating Circumstances there)#but i do think like. conceptually itd be cool#assigned little buddy at family. i know theyre not always friends but theres A Dynamic at least#<- guy who has a close bond irl with a whole one person. this may be influencing my view here#maybe i just wanna adopt somebody. im sorta bad at having close bonds in general tbh#i can count 3 in total. maybe more#but the quantification between Bonds and friends is. wiggly yknow#eh. its weird. i know people have friends theyve adopted as basically siblings and that might be neat but my view of frienship is also weird#the real thing here is that if i had a little brother or something i could have told them to call me their sibthing#veespeaks
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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just realised how i usually dislike or feel indifferent about shounen mcs but senku and gon hxh are the only ones who actually manage to enter my top fave characters of their respective fandoms... they're so well written
#like i dont consider every other character in dcst well written tbh theyre quite one dimensional#but it doesnt affect their likeability to me i still enjoy their characters v much#me being a danganronpa fan might play a part actually dcst characters r all talent based like them#but senkus the only dcst character who has rly good writing imo and im so glad for that#hes so hopeful but not in a way that i find annoying idk#he has such a deep trust in humanity despite his character being all like ughhh affection ugghh i only care abt science#but he loves humanity so much and i just RAHHGHHH cant relate but it makes me want to believe in it too#i wanna reread dr stone but i dont rly have time but i wanna re-experience that hope#senku's relationship with his dad.... the way his dad struggled for the future bc he believed in his son#and as for gon i could never be a gon haterrrrr#like ppl hate him for his selfish tendancies but that just makes him more unique to me#he is like. 10 and now 12. dudes a child he does things based on his emotions yeah#the way he lacks the gift of discernment bc of his childlike manner and all#just makes him better#rant post ig bc i rmbr i have this acc and now instead of annoying my irls w my talks and i can speak to the void here#what prompted this was seeing one of those x > y twt post involving senku#LIKE DO NOT SPEAK ON HIMMMM
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holy SHIT im pathetic
#jiraiblogging#landmine kei#jiraiblr#jirai kei#landmineblr#made a post like this before#but idk#i find calling myself pathetic funny#is that like self degrading#skull emoji#i dont wanna search up an emoji website rn#so yall get the words#i used to say just the words#id be like 'heart emoji!' and people were like 'bitch tf'#but it was so funny#i should do that again tbh#be chronically online irl#ok these tags are enough
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also my inbox is fr a warzone rn i'm SO behind on like ~50 asks </3 itching to get back, just been trying to focus on actual fic writing when i get in a rare productive swing instead of hrs of drabbling and brainrot lmfaooo but i'll clear up a whole evening eventually to sit down and go thru a ton of them!
#or maybe i'll secretly do that one evening and queue up a shit ton of drabble responses to go up every 30 min teehee#who knows it's always a guessing game w my focus levels#speaking of not to irl–post but i am 2 weeks into new adhd meds and feeling FRIED and it's affecting my writing productivity#so that's my disclaimer/excuse for my lack of posts tbh bc i feel like everything i am writing lately is so lackluster/uninspired#so i don't wanna put out half–assed drabbles when i have so many Thoughts and Feelings about each ask that i wanna put into proper words!!#i'm saving them for when little bursts of inspo break thru the new med brain fog u feel me#and aside from that. slowly slowly working my way thru the (now confirmed: chaptered yikes) dog coded fic <3 slowly but surely anyway ^-^#point is: i am so eager to respond/brainrot to all the ideas in my inbox i don't want u askers to think i am overwhelmed or ignoring asks#just fighting thru tha brain fog such is life we move#johnslittlespoon yaps
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need 2 isolate myself and unfriend everyone #asap
#this guy who is still my friend i guess annoys me and ive been avoiding him and he confronted me and cried yesterday and i felt bad but more#ab the situation than our friendship because he puts himself into places without friends by being judgy and rude and wondering why ppl dont#wanna stick around him idk. i guess we're still cool but he clings onto me and its really annoying bc i want him to stop but i dont want to#be rude and hes just getting on my nerves and ik its bad to be like annoyed w ur friends but i literally just .our energies dont match and#its so exhausting to be near him so i need to do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to cling on more or#not but i already did that tbh yesterday like. i told him i genuinely dont have the energy to match his and he asked 'when can we go back to#being normal' ?? i just said i felt better and comfortable being more alone and off than w him cant he stop. do i need to break his heart#hes really intelligent and hes able to tell these signs so idk why hes so hellbent on being stuck on me when ive literally said he tires me#cant he leave me alone. i already feel bad enough for feeling this way but last yr i didnt get to have any other friends irl bc he would#just cling on and drag or follow me and i barely had time to spend with anyone else and im stuck in a club i dont care for now bc he kept#pushing. like two or three of then actually idk why he cant just understand i dont want this nor any codependency w him anymore when ivebeen#like telling him already#sorry i have tutoring soon but im exhausted and feel horrible but whatever ill be fine etc i just need him to stop#on a brighter note. idk. im going to disney soon#post#vent#to delete#my lover please come home . only person i can admit my feelings directly to !. not on a vague tumblr post lmfao#/nbh btw obv bc why would i post it if it was#i need to play genshin kaedehara kazuha save me please give me a big fat kiss now
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wailing at the sky I'm tired ! ! ! ! ! !
#just me hi#ik i'm testy rn and i should take a nap but ouuhhrrr#consistently on drives i've been just. dropping energy like nothing#like on the way to wherever i'm good i'm floating it's great. but then on the way back it's just. Bleugh kfshv#and then my legs get tired cuz i can't stretch !! i'm dyinggg out here#hate being tired. hate being sleepy. wish i could banish the neepy forever tbh#however the awesome embrace of sleep is pretty good so i guess it's a trade i'll have to be content with. sigh#wah. blah. bloo. ouhrr#//anyway let me tell you abt smth really nice now hfhvbsh :>#so i was just sitting down last night doing.. smth i don't rember lol and my youngest siblings come over like ':3 we have something for you#which is immediately suspicious and i was measuring the level of child-safe violence they were going to be subjected to lmao; but i asked#what it was and they handed me this little paper bag full of little bracelets and beads and hair clippies ????#and the bag said 'we appreciate your existence' And had oath's little symbol on the front dude are you KIDDING ME#if it wasn't for the fact i did not want to scare them i would have cried. it was very very sweet and i wish i wasn't so flat irl kfvshg#there were 2 bracelets n one of them says 'space buddy' (tears in funkin eyes) and the other one says 'pink space'#'pink space' has the 'ace' part highlighted Do You Understand What They've Done To Me#dude. dude. [<- big wet eyeballs staring at the horizon]#i need to like. hbwauhhhhhhhh#i love them so ??? i need to explode them asap lmfshvg#/anyway putting this here cuz i don't wanna forget kfhghfs#i don't think leo reads these tags so Lmaoo 💥 get 'Unknowing of Things'ed loser#//okey i'm gonna go melt into a puddle of ice cream now#oouuuu here i go... toodles lol :3
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Y’all I really think I wanna do drag/be a drag king. The more I think about it the more fun it sounds I just have no idea where to even start
#dear diary#drag#drag king#< pleas for help#fr tho I think this is the vers of cosplay I’ve been looking for#it makes sense for me tbh#I love costumes and esp acting out masculine characters#but I��m not a man. 95% sure I’m not at least#but god I would love to don masculinity for a little while and just have fun with it#I wanna make one of those irl tv heads I’ve been dying to make and pair it with an slutty suit and#idk do a number to video killed the radio star maybe?#I can’t do makeup and like hiding my face so it sounds v fun
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i love when friends :3c
#askdfkjsdkfjd#but im seriously feeling very warm and squishy today abt my friends#i may get sad sometimes about my inability to make friends irl as well but my friends love me and i love them and ahhhhhhhh#(mushy cause ive finally got ppl who are ok w/ the fact that i need to plan like the most basic hangout at least a week+ in advance)#(and its really nice to have people in my life who want to know me and want to be known by me and are willign to accomodate the fact i have#Very Very Low social energy. im not used to this tbh and everything in me is constantly screaming that im doing things wrong but like. if i#step out of myself im actually very lucky and grateful for the people who do show me love)#(i also love making friends now who Also arent 24/7 contact or Nothing ppl; i love that i have friends i can do small talk with now; i love#that i have friends who wanna play with me and hang out with me; im glad i have friends who wanna just be couch potatoes together; im so so#so so so happy that even if its not Huge i have a circle of people who when i think mean thoughts about myself now i can think about how sa#they would be knowing someone was hating me that way and can regulate better bc of it)#i love my friends so much
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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cancel me for this or whatever but there's a huge and very specific distinction between liking arctic monkeys in a straight way and a gay way. or more accurately, in a non-Straight way. like i don't even think it's related at all to if you are queer or not irl, it is very apparent if you like AM in a Straight way.
#not saying in a derogatory way#but#maybeiam-*GUNSHOT*#idk man just the number of times i ask an irl hey u a fan and then the first thing they tell is YES OFC ALEX TURNER IS SOOOO HOT#and then it's like a pic of mr. snarl and they're like omg i wanna be yours is like his best written song#GIRL HE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THAT SONG#and others will be like mirrorball is a breakup song!!!!#i mean u do u but sometimes consider interpreting songs other than a romantic way????#tbh i used to be an AM knower exclusively for many years so im in no place to judge#but yeah#maybe i'll delete this#arctic monkeys
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oooooo dreading my birthday next month.... but not because of what one might think!
#im not scared of aging. if anything im very excited to be older... but i am scared of this upcoming one cause idk what to Do really#i dont vent here often but some people ik irl follow me on my twt priv and i dont want them to think im talking about them bc im not#but ngl im scared of being. alone? when i turn 21? i guess thats the best way to put it#i never really liked celebrating my bdays because its just a reminder of how much control my family assumes over my life#on bdays im not allowed to hang out with my friends or do what i want without my family. this year in particular is just harrowing tbh#cause this time i have people irl who call me their friend but then they constantly disrespect me! ack!!#ive been awfully depressed lately because of it tbh. but the people who do genuinely respect me are so sweet it makes me want to cry#a couple of them said they wanna arrange something so that we could hang out!! like!! you stop that or im gonna cry!!!!#help im just rambling at this point but yeah... itll be okay. i just need to think about it a bit more#im turning 21 its about time i take the reins of my life yknow
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debating how bored and artblocked I am that I'm deciding if I should make a post asking y'all to reblog it with your sonas, aka the little way you guys draw yourselves, so I can doodle them. I like seeing peoples sonas. be they monsters, aliens, furries, unidentifiable blobs, robots, etc.
I just think they're neat!!! I love to see them!!!
#ghostie mumbles#but how would I even tag that post for people to see it??? also I know I'd get overwhelmed quick sdfkjhsdkfhfds SO LIKE IDK WHAT TO DO MAN#:( I just wanna see peoples sonas..#went browsing some tags a few moments ago and liked a lot of posts of people's art of their sonas#if they were collectible little figurines and I had an ungodly amount of cash I would buy so many collectibles of peoples sonas--#--cuz they just look so cool to me!!!!!!!!! I love how varied they are and how the artists decide to portray themselves!!!!!#be it close to how they look irl or they just wanted to be an anthro roach or a fat seal or like some sleep deprived little creature. 10/10#<-- also yes. those are all real and I saw them. the roach one was funny tbh lol like whatever makes you happy dude rock on#also I've just been thinking about redoing my sonas refsheet lately
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AIAJBDJSKAKFNDKLSBFKDK FUUUUCK (<- fucker who just finished a 10 page report)
#Delete later#fucking shit#and I have to do this again in a few days#I need a drink#If this was actually the end of my studies it’d be fine tbh#But I start my master’s like right after this#Like RIGHT after this#And I literally#I literally just don’t want to anymore#If it were starting in the Fall I’d prolly be fine#But I literally can’t y’all#I wanna get my degree and not look at a computer for the next year#I want to touch grass and kiss my friends (my irl friends who I miss so much!!!) and drink and swim and walk til my feet hurt#I’m so tired!!!#I’m so fucking tired!!!!!!#Phew#don’t mind me don’t mind me#Haven’t been in a very good spot mentally lately I’ll admit#Everything is a lot#*sigh* everything is a lot
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I'm so jealous of ppl with irl friends tbh :'D
#I've literally never had irl friends ever#I don't really go places with kids my age--my mom is too protective and I feel like it's gotten worse..#bajsjsjs it makes me want to meet my online friends more tbh#I still dream about meeting them sometimes :3#vent#<- kinda sorta#I'm just saddd I wanna do fun things and go out with friends not be cooped up in my house all the timeee :((#this is how I'm gonna remember my teen years ig xD
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