#just like I could make a whole list of scenes of him being a selfish coward

[trans-xianxian]

maybe jiang cheng eating his food with upside down chopsticks was a production mistake. or maybe it was a visual metaphor for his complete blind trust in wei wuxian and willingness to take anything his older brother hands him

[azelmaandeponine]

It doesn't matter if Filbrick just flung a duffel bag at Stan as a storytelling convenience to tell the viewers that Filbrick is serious about kicking Stan out and not because the duffel bag was already packed.

It doesn't matter if we didn't see Filbrick packing the duffel bag because that would've cost precious 30 seconds to animate a boring scene that's unnecessary to the flow of the story of Filbrick storming into the twins room to stuff clothes in a bag.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick primarily kicked out Stan as a protective measure, because he saw Stan as a threat to the family.

It doesn't matter if the issue wasn't the lost money and that the lost money was a mask disguising the real issue.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick thought that Stan deliberately harmed his brother for selfish reasons, meaning he knowingly and intentionally harmed the family, and that he could hurt his brother again.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick thought that Stan deliberately hurting his brother looked like the end result of a pattern of dangerous or harmful behavior that he expected to continue.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick just kicked Stan out because of years of anger at Stan's delinquency and for being mad enough to not be able to think clearly.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick just kicked Stan because his behavior has impacted someone other than himself—his brother and family—and he wanted to not let Stan do it again.

It doesn't matter if Filbrick just kicked Stan because he cost his family a lot of money and he could cost them again—his behavior could bankrupt his family and ruin all their lives.

I think this person who is trying to minimize what Filbrick did to Stan needs to understand that in the end none of that matters because what matters is that kicking an seventeen years old teeneger that not even finished high school out of his home was a cruel thing to do.

It was Filbrick kicking Stan out at seventeen years old, making him a homeless person in his late teens and early adulthood, that forced him into a situation where he had to commit crimes and sell off scams—making a whole career out of swindling people, conning them out of as much money as he possibly can, stealing, lying and committing a long list of goofily-named crimes—in order to survive alone in the world.

Yeah, like...the way they're jumping through hoops like this really kind of feels like they're trying to minimize the cruelty of what Filbrick did, and it's just...kinda gross.

[cosmicrren]

Scenes that have my heart in GF S2 / p.1

I’ve been rewatching season 2 and for some reason I haven’t given it much thought how cute some scenes are, so here is my list of some wholesome moments.

s2e1

Sonny meeting D’Jok and telling him that he will try to spend more time with him and come to his games. Also implying that he will try to accept his past, move on and be more in the present with him. I love this sm. 

“And I promise, if you need me, I’ll never be far.” 

s2e3

This scene after Rocket left and I came to the conclusion that Tia was around the airport because she thought she would see him around there if he were to leave somewhere. Anyway, very cute (I’m literally obsessed with them) 

s2e5

The Snow Kids surprising Ahito after being treated for his illness on Akilian and him learning he could go back with them on Genesis. 

s2e5

Brb, gonna go take a few napkins *sniffs*.

“I’ll always love you, Maya.”

s2e7

Mei giving D’Jok some food for thought on Rockets suspension

“You’re really great!”

“What are girlfriends for?”

s2e7

Listen, I like them as friends; even more when D’Jok tried to knock some sense into Tia that things will get better and support her after Rocket was suspended. 

“Welcome back, Tia.”

“(…) just focus on the playing right? It’s all about football.”

“Sometimes…” 

s2e7 

 Ugh, the excitement when he sees him. I get all smiley every time. 

“Warren!” 

s2e11

Yuki being scared to play in her first official cup match and Mark encouraging her. 

“It’s okay to be scared, just don’t let it paralyse you.”

s2s11

Rocket seeing Tia for the first time since he left the Snow Kids. 

This dumbass, I can make an analysis on his mentality and his selfishness after he left and how his attitude towards the whole suspension thing ruined him. But I love him so I’ll spare him the rant. For now. 

“Tia…”

s2e14

Aarch convincing Dame Simbaï to take in Artegor for treatment after the Smog is gone. I can respect Aarch for managing to stay good natured towards Artegor and wanting nothing more than to drop all of this rivalry between them. The friendship is still strong to him even if it feels one sided. 

“You saved me once, now I’m asking you to do the same for him. Artegor needs you.” 

s2e16

I’m sorry, Artie trying to convince Tia everything is going to be alright and this robot comes to scold him and Tia lightens up, idk it’s very silly-goofy, I love it.

[flowerbloom-arts]

You know, after watching 2019 Moominvalley's episode "The Trial", I have been thinking about the portrayal of Sniff's character on that series. From a meta perspective, Hobgoblin's appearance at the end of that episode is the embodiment of Gutsy itself noticing the damage done to Sniff and quickly fixing him with a character development spell.

"BOOM! Now he has empathy! That's the episode's message, if there was ever one. Oh yeah, now there is! This annoying, selfish, greedy creature can now feel empathy for his companions. That'll teach the children and the adult viewers a lesson," so Gutsy proudly claims. Except that said lesson does not feel earned. The need for a cosmic being's interference at the episode's climax feels like a cop out in the narrative, as if there was no better way to bring it to a closure.

This reminds me of the same issue I had with "Mrs. Fillyjonk's Last Hurrah". It's a good episode, well, until the climax. To sum it up: Mrs. Fillyjonk is actually not dead, yay! She wants all of her furniture and stuff given to others back at home. Understandable. One of said "stuff" Mrs. Fillyjonk had in possession a plush toy called Cedric, which was given away to Sniff. Moomintroll finds Sniff and asks him to give Cedric back to Mrs. Fillyjonk, to which Sniff says no as he explains why he is not giving it back.

That scene was meant to be about how Sniff's feelings are not irrelevant, it’s not about his selfishness. He should be heard as well, not ignored, but guess what? Moomintroll ignores him, the message about how people who feel mistreated by others need to be heard, he says some crap about sharing is caring and that's it. That missed the point and the episode could only be brought to a conclusion by Mrs. Fillyjonk giving Cedric back to Sniff after Moominpappa told her so.

Of course Moominpappa is not a cosmic entity, but still, it feels like Sniff is not a character on his own right. He is the embodiment of selfishness, a simplification of a character flaw, and when he stands up to himself, pouring his heart out to Moomintroll, he gets ignored. Like, that's so mean coming from a series about compassion, honesty and other virtues that come from within. Also, the series keep addressing Sniff as this selfish being fueled with greed, but I feel they never explain why he is that way. It's only "Selfish Sniff, selfish Sniff, selfish Sniff" but never "Why is he selfish? Because he wants to be rich so he can live without taking any risks and be accepted by others," but nah, let's forget that interesting bit of character, forget Sniff as a whole, he is not important and does not deserve anything right.

And that's it. I just wanted to share my opinion on 2019 Moominvalley. I have no drawing requests, but maybe... Maybe 70's and 90's Sniff comforting their 2019 counterpart, that would be nice.

I think the writers at Gutsy has some kind of vendetta against him at this point and I could make a list of dozens of reasons why I think that. Maybe if I rewatch the whole show when season 4 comes out.....

I've talked about the Sniff issue so many times and like. Yeah... They just. Either don't like him or don't know what to do with him, and I hope season 4 breaks the pattern atleast once.

[moony-2001]

Lore Olympus ep. 254 critique

Well I can officially say that Persephone is the most selfish person in the comic

What in the Disney ripoff

So obviously it’s too late and Zeus is poisoned and ✨wow, how convenient✨ Apollo is suddenly there with Leto (who btw we haven’t seen in almost 100 episodes). I don't really want to focus on his confrontation with Eros and Psyche, because let's be real, it wasn't much of a confrontation. No, instead I want to focus on this:

My first thought when I saw the whole blackmail scene coupled with this was "What in the Lion King is this bullshit." Seriously. This is almost verbatim to what Scar says to Simba (except Scar as a villain is actually intimidating and Apollo, well...).

But here's the thing. This is how stupid Apollo is as a villain. Hebe has the least to gain from Zeus' poisoning and death. Look at the list of children that could stand to benefit from Zeus' demise:

An angry War god who was banished to the mortal realm for years by Zeus for pissing him off. Additionally, Zeus slept with his then-romantic partner and was implied to sleep with her often

The estranged daughter who literally thrives on chaos and is basically the goddess of "it's getting a little too chummy around here" who has beef with not only Zeus, but also Hera

A newly revealed son who has a tendency to heavily push boundaries and can't take no for an answer. This son additionally has been making moves to gain power politically

Compare this to Hebe, who we have only seen being kind to Zeus. No where in the comic is she seen harboring any kind of resentment towards him. Even when she criticizes him, it is gentle and she doesn’t push any further when he lays down the law.

Not only that but the whole prophecy- the usurp of power prophecy that Uranus got about Kronos, and Kronos got about his children, and so on- only applies to the sons of the tyrant in question. That was established in the myths, both in the Theogony and the Metamorphosis via a prophecy that usually came from Gaia. So that immediately takes Eris off the suspect list by virtue of the fact that she is a goddess. But even then, Hebe still shouldn't be a suspect.

How is Rachel expecting people to fall for this? Even her audience in some respect is calling out Apollo for being "back on his bullshit". Yet I can almost guarantee that everyone is going to fall for it because the only 2 gods who actually know are trapped in jail, Cassandra is probably going to disappear from the narrative for a while, and the rest of the general cast of characters only shares 2 brain cells between the lot of them. I can't wait to see this drag out over the course of, like, 15 episodes.

The most selfish thing

I just… wow. I have no words. Except yes I do or otherwise I wouldn’t be making this post. So we transition to the second half of the chapter where Persephone talks about her nonexistent connection with the snow and how maybe, just maybe, this is all her. Just like her act of wrath and what she did to Minthe, she has no one to blame but herself. And then she straight up goes “nah”.

I will be the first to admit, the way Rachel wrote Demeter during Persephone's homecoming/proposal was horrific. Demeter behaved horribly to Persephone. Now, I more blame Rachel for poor writing because if you have to make side characters look worse so your protagonists can look better, you suck at writing. BUT that does not excuse Demeter's initial actions and behavior toward Persephone.

However, in this situation, Demeter is not putting Persephone down for what she’s done. Obviously, Demeter is distressed, but she basically says “You tried, but now it’s time for the adults to handle it” and Hades agrees. He fucking agrees.

Demeter is far more capable and mature than Persephone due to being around for thousands of years. Demeter has had experience, she’s worked hard at maintaining everything, and she has even had hardships and failures. But because of this, she is a very very powerful goddess. Thus it makes the most sense for Demeter to step in to handle this situation. It is what's best for everyone, most of all for the mortal realm, which has been immediately affected.

But because Persephone has been told over and over that she’s hot shit, she's special (and has been treated as such), her ego can’t take the blow. She can’t take the L. She makes everything worse because she can’t stand the idea that she’s not special and that she's not this big bad goddess who has control over her abilities.

To me, this is so selfish. Persephone acknowledges that everything is dead. She acknowledges that she is the cause of this destruction. Yet she knowingly makes it worse because her ego can not handle the fact that she isn’t miss fucking perfect. This is the epitome of a child’s temper tantrum- like how when Nemo swims out to sea to touch the boat after Marlin tells him he can't do it. Because that’s what Persephone is. A child. In this case, it does not matter that she’s the age of an adult mortal woman. She is a god. She hasn’t even been around for 100 years. She still doesn’t have a handle on her powers. Persephone is being immature and selfish by stomping her feet and going “No, I can do it." Because of that, she makes everything so much worse.

Hades naturally makes this worse by enabling her. Although I genuinely can’t say I’m surprised since Hades has a history (especially post-marriage) of enabling Persephone’s bad behavior (like rewarding Persephone with sex after destroying the apartment of Leuce and threatening to kill her). When asked rightfully by Demeter if he’s going to do anything to try and talk her off the wall since Persephone has a history of not listening to anything Demeter has to say, Hades basically goes “Nah, my hands are tied, nothing I can do”, Despite the fact that he saw the destruction she caused and ACKNOWLEDGED IT WAS TIME FOR THE ACTUAL ADULTS TO STEP IN. This could’ve been a great moment for someone who wasn’t portrayed as a force against H&P (like the main love interest/husband) to hold her accountable. To say “That’s enough”. But nooooooo. No one, not even her own husband, is allowed to get in Persephone’s way.

Thus, Persephone continues to cause mass destruction and death until she passes out (this is important to note) and Demeter rightfully loses her damn shit.

Final thoughts

This is, I think, the worst chapter of Lore Olympus. Genuinely. As I stated in my last post, I had no idea where Rachel was going to take the whole “Persephone causes winter” idea and that there was no way she could make it more feminist than the original hymn. And boy was I right. Because I guess nothing is more feminist to Rachel than an ego-fueled power trip that results in the death of life in the mortal realm and also probably a good portion of the mortals who probably aren’t built to handle this kind of weather (by Persephone’s own admission that the mortal realm doesn’t get cold).

I'd also like to end on this note: if you're going to be a writer or artist or comic writer, don't treat your audience like they're fucking stupid.

Remember that little note I made about how it's important to remember that Persephone passes out? Yeah, well, that's because Persephone is actually unconscious and not dead. In literature and media today, people often use some version of the phrase "you've killed [x]" as a way to say not that whatever [x] is, is actually dead, but that it died in a metaphorical sense. You see a great example of this in the season finale of Arcane with Jinx. Powder doesn't actually die; Jinx is still very much alive. But Jinx metaphorically obliterated Powder to make room for the new her. The new Jinx, unburdened by her old self.

And that's what Demeter is saying. Hell, Hades even said that Persephone wasn't dead after presumably checking her vitals. Anyone who read the chapter would recognize this. But I guess Rachel thinks her audience doesn't have more than a 4th-grade level of reading comprehension because why else would she put in this, frankly demeaning, message at the end.

Oh boy. Welp. See y'all in my next post.

[lesbianmaxevans]

ok I'm ready to talk about the reunion scene w/o a breakdown

the way louis can't help but smile when he says "hello, lestat"

the way lestat knows it's louis when the fledgling asks "who's he?" but then when louis starts walking towards him he takes that deep breath, and it's as if it's just hitting him that louis is really truly there. as if he was convinced this wasn't real until louis approaches him.

"did you save my life in paris?" and lestat drops his gaze bc nicki and claudia both died while armand was their 'protector' (in the sense that they were part of the coven that he was the leader of, so they were technically under his care) so was it really saving when it meant louis trading one hell for another? when louis didn't know armand as well as he thought he did? ("I gave you to armand. you tell me if that was saving.")

"why didn't you say it was me who saved you, not him?" bc he thought you hated him and what was the point of disclosing it. bc he can never atone for the drop, but this is the least he could do in an attempt to start rectifying that act. bc he loves you and there is no universe where he would let you die, even if it means you hate him for eternity. bc he doesn't think he's worthy of your forgiveness or his feelings being reciprocated.

lestat trying to be nonchalant when he says "I don't like to point out my virtues. besides, I knew you'd figure it out." as if he wasn't prepared to spend eternity rotting in that creaky house to punish himself

"here in new orleans the whole time?" "it's my home. I am she, she is me." bc louis is his home!!! home is wherever louis is!!!!!!!!!! and new orleans is the only piece of louis that he has left!!!!!!!!!

"I was selfish. I... I tried to make nights awful for you." louis admitting that even if lestat had been a good partner to him, that their relationship at that point in time was doomed bc how depressed and self-loathing he was. that while lestat undeniably made things worse, that there was nothing he could have done to make it better bc louis' dark headspace

"I wanted you to suffer, because I was... suffering." "shall we list all the ways we have wronged each other and why it will never be right between monstrous [beings]." the way pre murder attempt lestat would have turned this into a screaming match, but post murder attempt lestat is mildly exasperated and resigned to the argument he is expecting bc he knows he did much worse things to louis. and he feels he deserves louis telling him off

"I came to thank you." this being quite literally the last thing lestat would ever expect louis to say to him. just complete stunned silence as he stares at louis. thinking it's a kindness that he doesn't deserve.

the way lestat struggles to force the words out to ask about september 8th. remembering the exact time armand telepathically reached out to him. his voice breaking.

"I was thinking about..." "I can't... I can't get her out of my mind."

"I carried her home. I made you turn her." louis admitting that lestat had tried to warn him (albeit cryptically and in a way he didn't understand at the time) about turning claudia and that in that moment he wouldn't have listened to anything lestat said to try to talk him out of it

louis being the one to initiate the hug and lestat melting into it. 8 decades of self-loathing chipped away bc louis doesn't hate him and it's also probably the first moment of physical contact he's had since the murder attempt

[alonelystargazer]

jjk for the fandom ask (hope i was first and also that you're doing well <33)

hi rin! I'm having a nice day today actually, and I hope you're having a nice day too! also yeah you're the first one!

The first character I first fell in love with: 

This might be a surprise to some people, but I actually was a Megumi fan when I first got into JJK 3 years ago. I always gravitate towards the dark-haired, moody, reserved guy in media lol, so of course I would end up liking Megumi. But then I met Nanami and he got bumped down. Sorry! I still like Megumi though, he's definitely a top 5 JJK character for me.

I'm putting the rest under a read more because this is really long.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: 

Hmm, I guess I would say Yuuta for this one. Not that I didn't think I wouldn't like him as a character, but he definitely jumped higher on my list after I read/watched JJK 0.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: 

During season 1 I would've said Todo, because he seemed like one of those meathead frat boy type of guys, but he grew on me during Shibuya Incident as a source of inspiration for Yuuji, and in the more recent chapters of the manga.

But now, I would say Toji. Objectively speaking, he has a complicated history that seems interesting, and he's also attractive, but also he's a deadbeat dad who tried to sell his son to the Zen'in clan, and I can't really find any justification for that. Him sacrificing himself for Megumi in Shibuya is quite emotional, but I don't think it makes up for abandoning Megumi. Maybe it's just a personal issue for me lol.

The character I love that everyone else hates: 

I could joke and say Megumi for this one, but I'm gonna go with Mahito. He's a really compelling villain character and served as a foil to Yuuji in terms of philosophy regarding humanity. And him being the one to kill Nanami and Nobara, as his final acts as a cursed spirit, really impacted Yuuji and left a permanent mark on him.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

I wouldn't say I loved Mei Mei, but I liked her enough as an example of a morally-gray character, someone who only looks out for herself. But then Gege showed us where she disappeared to during the Shibuya Incident and THAT whole scene was really disturbing to me and from that moment on, I wanted to erase her from my memory. We really didn't need to see THAT to get the impression that she's greedy and has secrets and all that. It was enough of an example of her taking bribes from Gojo to have the students being promoted and all that.

The character I would totally smooch: 

Hehe, well, I think it's obvious I wanna smooch Nanami and Choso, but would it be weird if I also said Heian Sukuna? Also, Kashimo (old man or reincarnated is fine with me hehe). I would also say Shoko, but she's a smoker and I don't really like the smell of cigarette smoke, sorry. She has a gf anyway.

The character I’d want to be like: 

I really want to be like Nanami in the sense of being a mentor to the next generation, and also like Choso in being the best older sibling.

The character I’d slap: 

Fuck ass Mei Mei lol. If Mei Mei has no haters, then I am dead.

A pairing that I love:

ItaFushi my beloved! The angst, the devotion, it's just so peak tragic yaoi. I've already said what I like about them as a ship, so I won't write a long ass paragraph, but I still have some hope for them, unlike with SatoSugu. I also like Haibara/Nanami and Yuuta/Toge as my top 3 JJK ships.

A pairing that I despise: 

*looks at the long list of ships I dislike/hate* Uhh... well, besides the incest and adult/minor ships, I REALLY hate Nanami/Mei Mei, which is something I've seen on twt a few times and it made me wanna rip the flesh off my bones. They are the antithesis of each other, Nanami who's so selfless and kind-hearted and protects children vs MM who's so greedy and selfish and is a danger to her younger brother, not just because she's a weirdo but also because she uses him for his Cursed Technique. They would never work as a ship, and it really irks me how she's the one who gave Nanami the idea for "going south".

anyway, this was fun!

[ohtobealady]

May I ask for #4 for angst ("don't lie to me"). I love your drabbles so much!

So this is a very broad interpretation of “lie,” BUT I want to turn this first drabble into a series covering the Bricker situation.

I’m still fairly undecided about Cora’s emotions in all this. I do think upon rewatches that she did eventually feel guilty over the whole thing. Even when they make up, when Cora comes into his dressing room, she says something along the lines of leading someone on. I think she knew she was flirting; but I do think she was doing it out of loneliness and, frankly, boredom! Give the lady something to think about!

With all of this said, I’m not married to this interpretation of her motives and emotions regarding this scene. But I hope you can enjoy it anyway! Thank you so much for the request!

*some lines taken directly from S5E5. You’ll recognize them, though they are not italicized. Credit where it’s due (JFellz).*

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

She could feel Baxter’s fingers section off her hair into threes, weaving the sections easily into a braid, and Cora relaxed her shoulders.

It was late, and the day had been long after a rather sleepless night before. But she felt satisfied. True, she didn’t feel happy, at least not quite, but this feeling was nearer to it than she had been eighteen hours before. Satisfied.

Being busy had distracted her from her self-pitying and irritation at her husband. And it felt nice to have been busy in a way she hadn’t been in years. It was not the smiling, polite sort of busy that charity meetings and house parties called for. It was not the sort of busy that challenged only the already most-exercised portions of her mind: social events and who had been invited, a running list of various lords, ladies, sons, and daughters, a multitude of ways to discuss the weather so that it never seemed too dull. Instead this busy felt like a jaunt to somewhere new, yet familiar.

It felt … fun.

Someone was at Downton who enjoyed talking to her. Actually talking. Someone was at Downton who sought her out, and her alone. She had so few friends outside of Robert’s circle, and she hadn’t minded before; she hardly minded now. But to have her own friend to talk with, to think things with? It was different than before and she enjoyed it. True, she had to wade through the mires of flirtation and charm to find the meat of a subject; and true, twice today she had to remind Mr Bricker about the task at hand—the della Francesca—for it had to be finished eventually. And they weren’t certain when he’d be able to return. But it had been a good day, especially after a disappointing night.

She felt as Baxter’s fingers began to tie the tiny bow at the end of her braid, and Cora looked up and into the mirror. The light from the lamp caught at the curve of her cheekbone, her hair, her eyes, and for one fleeting, vain moment, Cora saw a glimpse of the girl she’d once been. The pretty girl she’d once been.

Perhaps still was?

Mr Bricker made her think so. Oh, she knew it was stupid and selfish, but truthfully she had rather enjoyed the flirting. She’d only admit that in this one moment, and even then it was only just a little. But it really was only a bit of harmless, coquettish charm. And, she reasoned, if it was the trade-off for having conversations that didn’t bore her endlessly, then it was fine. It wouldn’t last forever; eventually the man would run out of details to go over, and she was going to appreciate the conversations while they lasted.

And Robert could just come to terms with that.

Robert. Oh, his jealous fits irritated her. His own specific type of egotism irritated her. And what was more, her missing him now irritated her. For she did.

Baxter tugged gently at her hair, and Cora watched her own reflection as her maid finished. Hmm. Baxter had confessed something horrible to her, but Cora found that if she were asked to do the same —to tell Baxter of the conceited and immodest thoughts she just turned over in her mind— she wasn’t sure she could. It was wrong.

“Will that be all, my lady?”

Cora nodded. “Yes,” she said, noting Baxter’s quiet voice. “Thank you.”

She stood from her chair as Baxter carefully gathered her dinner gown from the bed where it lay. Cora snuck another look at her; her eyes had a far-away look. Preoccupied, Cora thought, and sighed. She understood all too well.

“And it may be best to wake me earlier than usual,” Cora reminded her gently. She opened her bedside drawer and retrieved her small watch case. “With Mr Bricker here and His Lordship due back around ten, I’d like to have a bit of a head start.”

“Of course. Perhaps I can bring your tray at seven?”

“Yes. Seven.” Cora smiled at her. “Good night, Baxter.”

Baxter smiled briefly back at her, and Cora turned and sat against her bed as the door closed behind her. She found the little key at the back of the watch and turned it, winding the music charm that would wake her. And then, she carefully wound the top wheel of the little clock, watching as the tiny gold alarm hand rotated around the small upper dial of the watch face until it reached almost seven. When she had nearly finished, she heard her door open again.

“Have you forgotten something?” she asked Baxter behind her; but to her surprise, it was not Baxter who answered.

“It's not your maid.”

Cora stopped breathing.

She looked behind her, turning and standing, and confirmed who her mind told her it was.

Oh, no.

“I waited ‘til she'd gone.”

No.

“You must leave,” she felt herself immediately say. She put her watch down and, not wanting him to round the corner towards her, moved away from her bed. “Mr Bricker, you must leave,” she said again, not really knowing what else to say. He couldn’t be here. What was he doing?

“I did take care to ensure no one’s seen me—“ he was saying, and with a hot flush of delayed realization, Cora knew what he was doing here. And it was not to speak with her. Oh, and it wasn’t anger or fear she felt; it was regret. “—and no one will know I’ve been here.”

“No—“ she tried to say, but he spoke over her.

“But I knew I must. I knew I had to come to you tonight.”

Cora ignored that, and she leveled her voice. “Mr Bricker, I've asked you twice now. Will you please go?

“You said yourself - who knows when I'll be back?”

“Mr Bricker -“

“Don't pretend, Cora. You know something's happened between us. You know things have changed now. I feel it, and I know you do.”

Changed?

The flirting. The harmless flirting she’d only just confessed to enjoy.

Oh, she’d done this, hadn’t she? She’d laughed too much, spoken too much, smiled too much. Cora sighed, closed her eyes for a moment, and collected herself. “I’m not sure what it is you feel, but—“

“—When did someone last cherish you?” She looked at him, and knowing better, she listened. “When did someone even listen to you?”

Cora’s breath that had returned moments ago stiffened in her chest once more. He was being mean. She pushed the thoughts of last night away.

“I've seen you with your family, ignored and passed over.”

He was being mean. He was not wrong, she conceded, but she knew what he was doing. She shook her head. “None of this is any—“

“I'm glad you're still awake—”

Oh, no. She heard his voice before she saw him. She heard his voice as the door swung open easily, the delight in Robert’s tone. It felt like a sudden drop, falling fifty feet into nothing. And then, that same light in which she’d admired herself only moments before washed over her husband’s features, at the shock in them, and Cora felt heavy. She dropped her head.

“The dinner was over early. It seemed easier to come back.” And then there was anger. “I'm sorry if it's a disappointment.”

“It isn't,” she answered immediately, looking at Robert. It was the truth. She prayed he could see that it was the truth. And then what strength that remained in her hurt as it left her body. “Mr Bricker was just …leaving.”

“I'm not here at Lady Grantham's invitation,” Mr Bricker tried, but Robert boomed over him.

“Then will you please leave at mine?”

She watched, flooded with a sick exhaustion, as Mr Bricker turned away from her completely and made his way towards the door. She watched, and just as she knew he would, Robert changed. She knew Robert too well. She knew the anger he’d reached was really an enormous precipice, and he’d gone over the edge of it.

He grew two inches taller. His shoulders broadened under his red dress mess coat. He looked as if he could, and maybe would, kill the smaller man before him.

“Robert, let him go,” Cora said. She just wanted it done. She just wanted Mr Bricker out of her room. She just wanted Robert to fuss and be upset and have it over and done with. Let him leave. Let us not drag this out any further, please.

“You can't be surprised.” Oh, no. Oh, no no no. What was Mr Bricker doing? “When you chose to ignore a woman like Cora—“ he looked back at her, they both looked at her, and Cora felt her mouth fall open. Oh, no. Oh God. No. “—you must have known not every man would be as blind as you.”

The next moments moved slower, in a horrible dreamlike way, Cora still unable to breathe, Cora foreseeing the next seconds, but unable to control them.

She watched her tall, broad husband twist back, twist and wind himself as she’d done with the watch just minutes before; and then, with a hard, hurt grimace, she watched as he striked the slender man’s face so forcefully that he fell onto their bed and shook it wildly.

“Stop it!” She shouted. Robert was going to hurt him. He was going to hurt him badly.

Cora tried to touch Robert’s shoulder, to try to pull him from the fury he was blinded by, but he only pulled Mr Bricker from the bed where they rolled onto the floor.

“Stop it!” She shouted again as they crashed into the small side table where a vase fell, cracking open.

“Stop it!” They rolled onto the rug, both men struggling for superiority; but as she knew he would, Robert found the upper hand. He pinned Mr Bricker to the floor, his heavier weight keeping him in place.

“Stop!” She yelled out when his fist cranked backwards. There’d be blood and a broken nose and rumors and gossip and too many consequences over something she just wanted to go away!

And then— “Mama?” And a knock at their door.

Cora froze. She sensed Robert still too, and they looked to the sound of their daughter’s voice.

“Mama? Papa? Is everything all right in there?”

Oh, what must she have heard?

Cora hurried to the door, and noticing her hand shake as she took the knob, she drew in a slow, deep breath to steady her voice, her heart, and she opened it. Just slightly. Just enough for Edith to see her, and for her to try her best to smile at Edith.

Edith was blanched. “I'm so sorry, darling,” Cora cooed. Edith’s face was etched with worry, and it wasn’t moving. So Cora spoke on. “Your father and I were just playing a … stupid game, and we knocked over a lamp.”

“Oh,” Edith hadn’t believed her, and of course not. The lie was terrible, and Cora was a terrible liar. “If you're sure,” Edith prodded, and Cora loved her for it.

“I'm sure, poppet,” Cora smiled, and then heard her own words. She’d never called Edith ‘poppet’ before in her life. “Good night. Sleep tight,” she smiled bigger to assure Edith, who nodded and left. And then, closing the door, Cora turned around and fought the urge to glare at them both. Both of these men. Stupid, childish fistfight. Like schoolboys.

“I think that is my exit too,” Mr Bricker huffed, hoisting himself from the floor.

But Cora snapped at him. “Wait.” Edith could not see him leave her room.

She spun and opened her door again, and looking out, saw it was clear. Then, her stomach turning at the thought of looking him in the eye, she angled herself into the door so that he could slip out quietly into the hallway, not speaking to her ever again.

Cora breathed for a second longer when she heard the outer door close. And then, slowly—and as quietly as she could—she closed the inner door. It was another moment yet before she turned back into the room where her husband, her Robert, leaned himself against the chair. His chair.

His arms supported him at the armrests. His head hung heavily at his shoulders. His breathing was deep, and angry.

And … and an emotion Cora saw, but did not want to acknowledge, seemed to seep from his every pore.

Ignore it, she told herself. Make it smaller, she convinced herself. And then, a lie: He knows it wasn’t my fault. She sighed.

“Golly, what a night.”

Robert lifted his head, not looking at her at all. The emotion filled the room.

“I'll sleep in my dressing room,” he pushed out, but she found she couldn’t follow him with her eyes as he left.

And when she heard his door close, she sunk her face into her hands and refused to cry.

[noxsoulmate]

In Memory...

On this date in 1912, Titanic was lost to the Atlantic Ocean after hitting an iceberg during her maiden voyage. Of the ship’s 2208 souls, only 700+ were saved and brought onto Carpathia alive – you can read more about those heroes here.

To recognize this 111th anniversary, I thought I would give you a little snippet from the search portion of my Tarlos Titanic AU. If you know the movie, you may recognize this scene. But either way, please be warned that this snippet deals with death and grief! I promise that tomorrow’s Seven Sentence Sunday will make you laugh again but for now, please let us remember the souls that were lost in the tragedy of that night.

The eerie silence was oppressive and Judd almost wished for the screams again. At least they had been a sign of life. Now, the darkness lay like a cloak over them, not a sound to be heard but the quiet slosh of water as their boat cut its way through the ocean.

“We waited too long,” he heard Paul murmur, and he had no choice but to agree.

And still, he couldn’t lose hope. Not yet.

“We will find them,” he said with as much conviction as he could, his voice hardly piercing the pitch-black darkness. “And we will save as many as we can while we search for them.”

He had no sooner made this promise to the others, as well as to God when saw the first people floating in the water, their bodies already covered in a thin sheen of ice.

“Lord, have mercy,” Cooper whispered, catching his gaze before they both leaned over the boat and began to gently push aside the bodies so they wouldn’t further disturb their last rest.

Judd had seen many cruel things in his life – but nothing, nothing compared to the tragedy around him. In an uncharacteristic bout of selfishness, he was glad that there wasn’t any bigger source of light than the simple oil lamp hanging at the front of their lifeboat. He honestly didn’t know if he would be able to stomach the full picture he would see.

The silence was still pressing down on them, closing his lungs, taking his breath as he could feel tears threaten to well up in his eyes.

But no!

No, there was no time for that!

He could mourn the dead when this was all over – until then, until the last possible moment, he would give his everything to save as many souls as he could, just as he had promised.

“Is there anyone alive out there?” he screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice finally piercing through the darkness.

There was no reply.

“Can anyone hear me?”

Judd wanted to scream forever, wanted to pick every single person up himself and revive them. But even he reached a level where those most dearest to his heart came first. So finally, he called out for them.

“Carlos! TK! Answer me!”

He was only greeted by more silence and the ever-present darkness as they carefully made their way through the sea of lost lives.

((I usually don't spoil but in this case, I will: this fic has a happy ending!!!))

Many, many thanks to @shadesofdeviant for being the well of knowledge on all things Titanic, to @lightningboltreader for beta-reading, and my whole Titanic discord server for the ongoing support 😘

Noxy's tagging list (please let me know if you wish to be added or taken off): @detective-giggles, @sgirl18, @rmd-writes, @welcometololaland, @paperstorm, @actuallysara, @just-inside-her, @alidravana, @wtfuckevenknows, @morganaspendragonss, @meditating-honey-badger, @heartstringsduet, @bonheur-cafe, @chaotictarlos

[thepinkwriterr]

Capricorn Season Chapter Thirty-Three

Thank you to everyone who has been following my silly little story for the last few years (or however long I have been at this). We are coming toward the end! There are maybe 25ish more chapters left. I started writing this story after my first bad breakup in high school, and it's just snowballed from there. These characters have been my comfort through college, marriage, and so much more. I really love this story. I am a creative writing major, so I hope the quality has gone up. As long as people are sharing/reading, I will keep writing. I appreciate every comment, like, note, etc, so much. Knowing that people are actually reading makes me so happy! Thank you all for caring about Gwen so much. I do plan on writing a sequel (entitled Aquarius Season) and maybe a third part (Pisces Season). Thank you all! < 3 Also -- please comment to be added to the tag list.

Word Count: 4k Table of Contents

Sex had never meant anything to me. My conquests of the past were fleeting, almost primal in their necessity. I was filled with hunger. I never had good sex, it was bumbling and quick and over when he said it was. 

Sex with women was better, but I didn't do too much exploring past a college girlfriend named Julie. She was terribly concerned with being exposed. My family already wanted nothing to do with me, so I didn't care as much, but her feelings were never quelled. No one wants an anxious lover. 

There was something different about him. He knew where to cast his eyes. His lips found all the light spots on my body--branded me. Sex wasn't just sex with him. It was sacred and sweet. We honored each other.

I couldn't stop my mind from wandering to these memories today. He looked so good. His jeans hugged his hips just right and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to his forearm. I think he could tell I was lusting after him because he kept smirking at me. 

What an ass. 

Today had gone relatively smooth. Things were getting back to normal after the whole Tiffany incident. I was grateful for that, too, because it had brought Lorelei and me closer together. Normally I would chastise her endlessly until she caved and realized what she did was wrong. (That's what usually had to happen for people to realize they were wrong). But I felt bad for telling her out of selfishness and anger and she knew what she did was wrong already. This humanity within her was something I began to realize was sparse in this world, especially in this industry. 

On the road people did and said harsh things. An air of drama shrouded everyone. Each moment was drawn out but passed so quickly it could give you whiplash. I didn't know what was up or down, what was left or right, or what anyone truly thought.

I didn't know how Lorelei and the other girls had lasted so long in this scene. The way musicians passed them around like objects to be won and traded was disgusting to me. It was ruining the music for me. I was drained after just three months of it. 

-

I pressed Lorelei yesterday after soundcheck. She wasn't exactly jumping to talk to me. 

I couldn't catch her eyes. She was wrapped up in Robert and all that he was---a liar. I wondered what he had told her to convince her to stay.

Soundcheck went as well as always. The guys went through the motions and played the same songs as they had for the last few months. I was burnt out and sick of it all. The luster of the road and show business had become mundane. 

William was coming down hard. I spent an hour on the phone with him the day before fighting over deadlines. I tried to avoid the group but didn't want to explain the intricacies of their drama to him. He wouldn't have cared much. He was growing fed up with me during this period of growing pains. He thought I was partying or otherwise slacking. 

I wasn't, really. I was quite miserable. 

Jimmy and I didn't talk on the car ride.  I pushed my knees against the side of the car and stared out the window. He wore a sad, sorry look into the venue. 

He wore green corduroys and a sweater to protect himself from the drafty weather. My corduroys. He rarely wore his own clothes these days. I think he'd been gaining weight and mine were more comfortable. Or he was just a cross-dresser. 

His gaze hit the worn stage floor heavy and hard as he took his place behind the guitar stand. I felt bad but had to stand my ground. I couldn't crack first. I was still mad about what he said to me. 

It changed the way I looked at him. He was now someone who could and would deliberately hurt me. He wasn't above bending the truth. I didn't know if I could trust him the same. More walls went up. 

He was still moping. His face was sullen and empty as he plucked G-sharp. I watched his fingers glide down the neck with a finger-picking motion. It was something bluesy. I didn't recognize it.

He looked at me softly with pearlescent eyes. The way only he could do. He could cut right through me. He was coming toward me with even strides. 

"Can I talk to you?" He asked. 

He looked tired up close. There were light bags under his eyes. 

I nodded. 

He pulled me by the arm to a spot that was secluded as it could get here. The lights were dim. Only a little light shone through the windows in the left corner of the cement room. It  was always cold backstage.

We looked at each other, absorbing the odd sight of one another's faces. He was withdrawn from me. His glassy, sunken eyes appeared present but were distant in actuality. I tried to look beyond the pools of murky green. Soft shadow was thrown across the left side of his face from the slivers of sun that poured in. 

"I'm sorry," he finally spoke. His voice pierced the tension between us.  

My lips fell into a grimace.

"You hit a nerve." He continued. 

I was silent still. 

"I was an ass, alright." 

My brow furrowed. Not the right approach. 

"You were right." He spoke through a slight grit. 

I softened then. His words hit the right spot. 

"I was afraid to lose you, my love." 

He knew exactly what to say. He'd practiced this speech a hundred-and-one times. He probably couldn't even remember how many times he'd begged women to forgive him, whether it was a minor or major offense. He probably felt bad for Robert, knowing he'd have hefty hoops to jump through to get Lorelei to forget about what he'd done. 

I started to speak, still holding my heart behind a wall of safeguards, "Do you mean that?" 

"Yes, I really do. I promise you, my love, I am speaking truthfully from the heart." His hands were in mine now. "I thought Robert might try and take you from me." 

He brought my hands to his lips. He knew I was softening. 

"I missed you so much, Darling. I care for you. I don't want to hurt you, ever." He paused between each sentence to press a soft kiss on my cold skin. 

I couldn't deny it. I was beginning to forgive him. 

"But you did." 

He sighed quietly. I noticed a small splinter of annoyance--impatience. "I know. And I feel so awful about it, my love. Would you do me the honors of forgiving me, being seen with me?"

I looked down at our hands. His calloused fingers laced mine like lattice and ivy. It hurt much more to imagine taking my hand from his. 

"Okay," I began reluctantly,"I forgive you." 

He flashed a toothy grin. I knew then that he was going to eat me whole. 

Now, to fix it with Lorelei. 

--

I looked out at the dormant chaos. Just six hours ago Lorelei attacked another person and it was treated like stale bread. The presses had run cold and everyone moved on.

She stood behind Robert with her hands on his shoulders. Bonzo stood alone. Tiffany had seemingly vanished. I wondered what exactly happened. Had she left on her own volition? She didn't seem to be a girl who needed to be told when to go. 

The fight was pretty nasty. Lorelei was scrappy, which impressed me, honestly. I wasn't rooting for the savage take down, but she made quick work of Tiff. 

"Can I talk to you?" Lorelei asked in a hushed tone. 

I looked at Robert. She followed my eyes. He stood next to Jimmy, trying to fiddle with his guitar. A long, stray string popped up from his meddling. Jimmy pawed his hands away with a grimace. 

I had to tell her. 

She pulled me off to the same spot backstage. Her eyes dug into me with an anxious glint. The only witness was chips of gray paint that frayed from the wall that sat between us. 

I had felt the pain of knowing the man you loved was with someone else. I knew the deep throbbing that thudded in her chest. That pain was so bad it could kill you. 

She bit her bottom lip. Her hands went into her mess of curls. 

"I don't even know how this whole mess got started." She started. The rest of her thoughts lingered on her lips, crushed just below her teeth. Her voice echoed even at a whisper.

It had started with my omission. I was consumed by guilt. Carrying the knowledge of Robert's extra-extramarital affair was eating me alive. I was supposed to be Lorelei's friend. Who could you trust if not your best girlfriend? I  wondered if the price of truth was worth the chaos. 

I wondered if she would understand why I had been on edge around Tiffany, why I didn't want to hang out with them. I wondered if she could see the guilt boiling over. 

Her anger started with Robert, who would not keep it for long. We both knew if she brought it to him he would charm his way out of it, and he did. She could never suspend her anger for too long, and it eventually fell into the scantily clad lap of Tiffany.

This was an error of judgment (the first mistake of many). Tiffany had no loyalty or oath to Lorelei. She didn't even know of her, or Robert's wife, when she slept with him. She was just a girl having a good time. 

Lorelei carried envy for Tiffany. She wished to be as carefree and unburdened as her. She was once, a few times, in her shoes. She had fallen foolishly into the shallow end before but always ended up hurt.

I thought of how this all must be playing in her head. The images of Tiffany and Robert writhing and panting swirling around the drain but never swallowed by the pipes. 

"Lor, I told you out of anger, not concern."

"What do you mean?" 

"Jimmy and I had a huge fight. He said he thinks Robert is in love with me. Then he basically called me whore. He was talking crazy and I was burning with anger. I was angry at all of them. We were all keeping a terrible secret. I couldn't take it anymore. It just burst from me." 

She looked more hurt than when I told her about the cheating. 

"So you told me to get back at him?"

"No, no, it wasn't like that. I-"

"You hurt me worse than Robert. You were supposed to be my friend, and you knew this whole time!"

"I'm so, so sorry. I know I'm a shit person and an even worse friend. But you should really be mad at Robert, not me. He's the asshole here." 

It sounded more like a jab the way it came out. 

"Oh, well, if you're sorry that makes it better!" Lorelei turned away from me. She couldn't look at me anymore.

"No, no, I'm sorry. Fuck. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that he put me in a tough spot. I didn't know what to do so I kept quiet to keep the peace."

"Just- just don't." 

"Lor, please-" 

She whipped around, her mass of hair and skirt flowing in the sharp wind. Her nostrils flared. 

"No, you know what, I'm not shocked that Robert hurt me. He's a muscian, he's the lead singer, for God's sake! But you're supposed to be my best friend. You chose some stupid guy or some stupid anger over me. You hurt me, and that's shitty." She ended with a shake of her head and began to walk away again. 

"Please, wait!" 

Her blazing, heeled steps trailed to the backdoor. She was gone in a moment. The slamming of the door could be heard out on stage. 

My head fell against the wall. 

--

As soon as she stormed off, Jimmy rounded the corner toward me. He had been lurking. I wondered how much he heard. 

"Love, are you alright?" 

His hands found my arms, rubbing them with his stark warmth. 

I melted into him with a sniffle. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go back to the stage." 

-

I found myself slipping into serene domesticity with him in the oddest of places. We made homes in shoddy hotel rooms, cooking meals in their tiny kitchenettes and washing each other in the cracker-box bathrooms. Even the icebox that was any backstage room. 

On planes, we would put our trays up and share snacks while we read. He would lay his head on my shoulder and I would play in his hair as the plane took off to settle his anxieties. 

He was a reserved and undemonstrative man but I could read him like a book. His nerves were a shaken jar of hornets. When Peter sent a calloused glance my way, a plane took off, our hotel reservations didn't land, or a show was moved, he was sent into a tailspin. I saw that his fit at Royal Albert wasn't out of the ordinary for him. There have been multiple occasions that I've had to hold him while he shook and sobbed uncontrollably. 

In this way, we were building homes out of each other's arms. He would look at me with panic and know I was there no matter what. I would hold him until he was silenced and sleepy, not leaving his side, even if it lasted hours. And similarly, I knew he was there if I needed him. Some days it was hard to get out of bed or deal with everyone around. Often it seemed sensory perception was physically revolting to me. I would furrow my brow and cover my ears to block out the penetrating sights and sounds. 

There were so many sounds. I couldn't escape it. There was no reprieve. Our hotel room was sandwiched between Bonzo and Robert, who were noisy at all hours of the day. I found that my frustration was exacerbated when deadlines became harsher. Multitasking wore me out more than a day of adventuring.

Jimmy tried his best to help me but he struggled with the same feeling. There were days we couldn't stand each other simply for the sounds of footsteps. It was not about personal feelings, just exertion. We always apologized at the end of the day and kissed, held each other close, and embraced as if it were the first time.

When we weren't fighting we spent our days talking about whatever interested us. We shared details about our charts, what we had learned recently, and what books we were managing to read (it was one of the only things to do on our down time (well, other than sex, of course)). 

He was often submerged himself in research. If he wasn't on stage it was not far-fetched to see him with a book in bed. 

He turned to me now, on the desolate stage, and said,"I've been reading about something called Thelema. Have you heard of it?" 

"No." I answered. He knew I hadn't. His asking was just a formality. 

"It's fascinating, really, I think you would be very interested. It's all about discovering one's True Will, which is essentially your path in life.

I feel that my True Will is music, which I was lucky to discover early in life. It can be very hard to find one's True Will and often requires the deconditioning of socially learned inhibitions.

But I find it fascinating. Magick is versatile. Finding your True Will is made up of all kinds of tiny little actions and decisions. You have to really learn everything there is to know about yourself in order to find it." 

"That does sound fascinating," I poked at his repeated use of the word, "do you think you found your True Will so early because your soul has made many trips to earth? I mean, it would make sense, as you went right to music and haven't really strayed from that path." 

"I suppose. I do have an old soul." He chuckled. 

Anytime I used this flowery language he knew I was making fun of him. 

"I think so too."

"With my penchant for antiquing and love of art, it would make perfect sense." 

I nodded along. 

"What do you think my True Will is?" 

"Well, I don't know. That's a hard question. Most people don't even know their own and I wouldn't want to lead you astray." 

"If you had to guess, what would it be?" 

"I think it could be the pursuit of love and understanding. You are such an open and loving person. Strangers could feel at home in your smile." He pushed his face into my neck. His hot lips brushed my skin. 

I gave a pleasured exhale and pouted my lips. He was so sweet it rotted my teeth.

-

She didn't come back for two hours. She didn't come back until an audible buzz surrounded the building. We had deemed this the "Pre-show hum". A medley of feet to floor, jitters, and voices. Fans were entering the building excitedly.

Jimmy and I had been chatting in the green-room, which had begun to swelter (once everyone got moving and the fans worked overtime to cut through all the bodies it got slick and sweaty fast), but Peter had pulled the group off somewhere. 

I was stuck talking with Richard. He was feeling talkative today. He yammered on about some girl he saw in a pub, then the drive to the hotel, then how he was excited to be in Nashville. I only paid half attention. 

In the midst of his conversational zeal my eyes passed over Lorelei. She caught my gaze but quickly turned away.

Peter's booming voice interrupted our angst. 

"Line up, boys!" He called down the hall. 

The boys lined up for battle. Bonzo strapped a bandanna to his head and stuffed a pair of drumsticks in his back pocket. Jones quietly smoothed his hair down. Jimmy fiddled with his hands, trying to coax them from fists. Robert spoke charmingly with Peter.

The venue lights dimmed. The crowd began to cheer. It sounded like a military barrage. The announcer took his sweet time introducing the band. He warmed up the crowd with a few jokes, but they were impatient. Lorelei went to the side-stage---ready and waiting for Robert. 

"Everyone, give it up for Leeeeed Zeppelin!" The planes finally took off. A wall of sound was heard all the way to the street. I had never heard such fervent, virile noise.

"Let's go, boys!" Peter shouted with a smirk. He practically slapped them on the ass. They marched out to chanting and stomping.

They took their places—Robert at the front, Bonzo at the back, with Jonesy and Jimmy flanked at each side. 

Robert took the microphone from the stand, speaking smooth like butter. "Good evening Fort Worth!" Cacophony. Pandemonium. Insanity. 

The driving march of Immigrant song struck the crowd. Robert's call came out in rough, uneven strides. 

This was going to be the best show of the whole tour. 

-

It began with a gentle strum. Jimmy picked sweet chords with care and ease. The organ crept in like a bright, beautiful sun breaking the horizon line. The smattering of the drums thundered, leveling the melody out. They played together with intensity for only a short moment, an appetizer, before dying down to welcome Robert. His voice was rusty by this point in the night, but it sounded beautiful against the tender canyon of Thank You. The organ took center stage once more, almost outshining Robert. Drums once more. This time Jimmy didn't join in. This song marked the end of the set (not including the encore), and felt like a welcome sunrise.  

Lorelei didn't look at me until the end. The intro had come back in full swing now, this time with a flourishing electric solo. There were tears in her eyes. Only a trace of contempt was left. I didn't know if that was for me or Robert. I hoped for Robert, for both of our sake.

Jimmy and Bonzo played together to create some kind of electricity. We could all feel it in the air. The building was on fire. Robert danced around the stage, just for a moment, before finishing out his part. He cried out, gripping the microphone tightly. 

"Happiness, I'm glad." He sang. 

Then the chorus came back. It was tender again. Robert bumbled around the stage, jazz-scatting, while Jonesy carried the tune off with his expertise on the keys. 

Robert ended with one last emboldened yelp. 

Applause. 

-

I met Lorelei again in the bathroom. The band was going for their first encore song. It was something like Train Kept A-Rollin. 

She was smoking a joint. She sat on the counter with her feet in the sink. She wore wooden wedges and thick bellbottoms. It would've been too hot if she weren't wearing that purple tube top. 

I wasn't surprised to see her when I opened the door. When she sauntered off stage, wiping her eyes, I figured I would find her here. I just brushed past her and went to the stall. I could hear the rolling paper burn with her sharp inhale. The smell was thick in the dead air. 

I looked down at my feet as I peed. My toes were painted dark red. Chipped, of course. She did them two weeks ago. The paint survived through two beach trips and sweaty airport sneakers. 

Face-to-face again, she was sweeter. She rolled her eyes when I froze. 

"We're cool." She said with a wave of her joint. 

I laughed with a huff. 

She held the joint out toward me. The opening riff of Whole Lotta Love began. 

"Good," I took the joint from her and leaned my back against the counter, "I missed you." 

"I did too." 

We sat quietly, listening Robert's manic panting and moaning. He was like a cat in heat. We started to laugh. 

They launched into We're Gonna Groove, one of my favorites. I tapped my foot along with the tempo. Jimmy was laying down some great work tonight. 

"I'm going to stay with him." She broke the silence. 

"You are?" I turned to face her.  "Yeah."  I held my tongue. If I said anything negative that would only drive her further into his arms. 

"If that's what you want I support you." She looked grateful. She grinned and nodded her head, wearing that award-winning actress smile. 

"Thank you."

----

Taglist:

@anothercanyonlady​ , @jonesyjonesyjonesy​   @paginate54 , @seventieswhore , @jimmypages , @jimmys-zeppelin​ , @jimmysdragonsuit13 , @sinceivebeenlovingyoou , @akyras-azriel , @lzep , @litvrgi , @laluxea

[chickensarentcheap]

Bedtime snippet :D Chapter 21 of Lost and Found

@tragiclyhip @munstysmind @mrsmungus @secretaryunpaid @youflickedtooharddamnit @residentdormouse @alisbackalleybbq @ninjasawakenedmystar @thebejeweledwatercat @themaradwrites @asirensrage @kmc1989 @karimac , @theesirenteller

After the cut. I got carried away ;)

For context: If you've seen E2, picture the scene where he's in the hotel room checking on his supply case and the kid starts that whole "do you think you're a hero?" conversation :) Picture Tyler doing what he was doing before that kid approached him ;)

“What is it you want to hear?  What exactly do you want from me, Esme? Do you want me to completely freak out? Totally lose my shit on you? Bust up my hotel room? Put holes in the walls? Is that the kind of reaction you want?”

“I don’t know.  I mean, I’m glad you never got like that.  But I’m also a little weirded out, I supposed. That you didn’t go off the rails more than you did.  I thought seeing Millie and realizing she was yours…”

“Seeing Millie and realizing she IS mine is what stopped me from going totally off the rails.  Made me realize you had other reasons for staying under the radar.  I’m not exactly well-liked.  Not in this circle, anyway.   I’ve pissed off a lot of people. Burnt a lot of bridges.  There’s quite a long list; there's tons of people who wouldn’t mind getting revenge.  I just figured maybe that’s why you kept her a secret.  That maybe you were worried  if word got out that I had a kid, they’d make her a target.”

“I never once thought about any of that. You weren’t the issue, Tyler.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  It was never about you.  I mean, it WAS. But not like that.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you. If  you’d thought that.  It’s pretty reasonable; not wanting trouble to show up on your doorstep.  You wanted to protect your daughter.”

“OUR daughter,”  she gently corrects.  “She’s OUR daughter.  And I never felt like I had to protect her from you. Or because of you.  It was all me.  I didn’t want you to turn us away.   That’s what I was afraid of.   That you wouldn’t want her because of me.”

“I would have wanted her.   And I would have wanted you, too.  I’ve only wanted you for the last five years.”

“I didn’t know that.  No one ever talked about it.  Your personal life.  Nik never mentioned how you were doing outside of your firefighting and your reno business and doing the odd job here and there for her.  And to be honest, I was scared to ask.  I didn’t want to hear that you found someone else.  That you’d moved on.  And I know that sounds selfish as fuck, but…”

“Want to hear selfish as fuck?” Filling the last magazine, he snaps it into its holding spot and then turns to face her, arms crossed over his chest as he leans back against the table.  “I used to hope that you were dead. Not because I was angry at you and felt you deserved it.  Because I would have rather you be permanently gone than with someone else.”

She blinks at his brutal honesty.

“I could handle you being dead, but not with another guy.  Now who’s the selfish one?  What kind of person even thinks like that? How messed  up does someone have to be to come up with something so fucking twisted?”

“You’re a human being.  You were hurt.  And when we’re hurt, we don’t exactly think properly.   We don’t…”

“It wasn’t because I was hurt. Or angry. It was because I didn’t want you with anyone else.  Because all I could think was how if I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone else to either.”

“I felt the same way.  Every time I thought of you with someone.  It fucking killed me inside. To even go down that road.  I didn’t want you with anyone else. Which is pretty messed up considering I’m the one who left you.”

“We both have our issues.  We always have.  It’s never been one hundred percent healthy. I mean, look how we met. WHERE we met.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s wrong, though.  Us.   I’ve never felt felt it was wrong. Have you?”

“I’ve never regretted a single thing.  I’d take that bullet to the neck a million times over  if it meant I got to be with you.”

“Don’t say that, Tyler.  Don’t even think it.  Because I don’t deserve it. That kind of devotion.  I don’t…”

“I think the problem is that you WANT me to be angry.  Or angrier than I am.  You WANT me to totally lose my shit on you.  You want me to yell, scream, tear shit apart, and make you feel like complete and utter shit.”

[jack-xoxo]

Jake

Also I've posted this in Ao3, I don't use tumblr but best things assured, I always update: The Devil's Knight

6:54 am

When will there ever be a time that Steven wasn’t so selfish these days and Marc being stiff as a straight line. Steven leaves the house often dirty and trashed like a teenager with a room, it was figured to be impossible and no matter the lectures and no matter the convincing, it will not leave the house clean. Marc is still never fully communicating with Marlene, despite being married, how can 2 of your personalities treat your wife better than you can and one of them has a kid with her, how does that work? Frenchie… never heard from him, although he seemed to be close with Marc, a bit too close for Marc to not notice… I kinda miss him, me and Steven think he has been helpful with everything, from the moment Jean-Paul greeted himself during the marines was everything… Hell Frenchie, where the hell are you?

Marc says he still hears the voices from the shouting the military and often hits his head and shouts whenever he gets an episode. He still has PTSD of that nazi grandfather of his who torturing people in the basement and Marc was almost one of those unfortunate souls, when marc was able to escape and tell what happened, no one believed the boy, looking at him confused and questioned him like he was going mad which was a hard slap to the face for someone so young. And from what happened in north america, the execution with spider-man in mexico, scarlet witch, bushman… all that, no man had to go through

As Jake was doing his regular job of a taxi driver, Steven and Marc fought again and it’s bad enough he can hear it, the passenger can possibly pick up that the driver is crazy. Jake looks through the rear-view and thankfully they’re on the phone… not shocking since everybody now is looking down instead of up but god-bless for what jake was going to say “Look, if you both can’t yourselves together, i'm pulling over and beating the hell out of you both, not even the bird-man himself will stop me” as if he had ever stopped them before. Somehow marc and steven both dragged him into their dilemma, soon a police siren with flashing lights, Jake groaned and as much he wanted to speed up and run away, risking a passengers life over a ticket wasn’t going to be worth it. License and registration…5 minutes…followed till he had dropped off the guy at a bookstore…20 minutes… then followed to the police station… fucking 10 minutes.

Seems like it wasn’t just for a speeding ticket but for a whole felony(?) charge for murder, kidnapping, assault, manslaughter and possibly more listed out than making up some big word for making a big ‘oopsie’ 

7:25 am

The room had a dense tone or setting to it, purposefully making it small so the tension can suffocate you if the detectives catches you in a lie. Black, white, gray with yellow tinted lights since what was so colorful about kidnapping and mentally torturing someone who was a known rat? Cuffed to the bar because why… why the hell not… Both men in a suit and slacks comes in with a folder and a buddy, the old and experienced who’s getting gray’s or balding from all that stress the workforce put these people through, could be both since the fatty had that going and the new and nervous, takes his job too seriously despite not giving it a month or so he has a heart for almost everyone, the stick has hair before the job takes it from him, he has some time before he possibly witness a scene too gruesome for the mind to wash clean from. “Hello Mr. Lockley, Murdock, I’m detective Saturnino and this is my partner Mr. Whiskton?” the bigger gentlemen presented, as the thinner one waved slightly and Jake waved back “do you know you’re pulled here for questioning?” 

“For the love of Christ and his Father…” He groaned in his head. Jake had to relax, his brow jumped and played dumb into the question “no sir, why am I here?” He asks.

“Well you have quite the history on your tail” Saturnino said, there we go, the big man sits in front of Jake and for the other one leans on the wall while trying to both intimidate the single fellow “You were charged and served for a hit and run in March of ‘24, 10 months later you are in conspiracy of first degree manslaughter in Egypt, fake passports, different aliases”

Jake listens, he panics but it doesn’t show while the list goes on and on, Jake is not there, he is dead, Jake is calm and configured, says something crazy, something… some- stupid… Jake’s eyes looking directly through the Saturnino’s pupils, uncanny and uncomfortable for the two “Officer… I was hit a lot as a kid, I don’t remember a lot but I do know, I was there for a good time… I heard the views were good, the food was even better… the ladies even…” Jake smirked, chalking up a laugh from two parties, that's a brownie point although he needs hundreds more for the pigs to be fed.

[mzannthropy]

and it becomes your most hated book of all time - Sam plays the main male character of the adaptation of this book (Me Before You)> lol

I even liked the film, the chemistry between him and Emilia is wonderful, but the film is kind of pointless. That ending, I can't even watch again. What makes it even worse is knowing that there is a second book in which he has a daughter, like??????? How does he have a daughter??? Does not make any sense. I thought he was going to give up because he was in love with a woman who loved him and believed they could be happy together. And they were happy together. What makes it worse for me is that in the film Untouchable, which is a true story, there is a similar story, about the person who helps him, and gives him meaning, in the end the character gets married and is happy. Will ends up being selfish in the end. I hate how he wants Clarke there, and the fact that she's gone. Fuck it, no really. The end is he gave her money, fuck. It wasn't about the money, and it shouldn't be. She has a shitty family and a shitty boyfriend, just like he had a shitty family and a shitty girlfriend. It's worth it for Sam and Emilia's performances.

I've never actually watched the film, only read the book. For completion's sake, I suppose I will have to tackle it one day, but every time I imagine having to watch it, a sense of dread creeps on me. It's the worst piece of fiction I have ever engaged with (I've read the first 50 Shades book and this is worse!) and I'm worried I will throw something at my screen and break my TV. I don't believe in the "chemistry" argument, it means nothing to me and Emilia Clarke... I'm trying very hard but her voice and laugh grate on me so much, plus I don't see her as that great an actress.

Anyway, so here we are, I finally get to talk about it (can you believe this @jesstasticvoyage). Here it is, the reason why I don't interact with any other Sam Claflin fans, apart from Jess who is able to handle me. (I get notes from the same users on my original Sam posts, and I see you; it's not you, it's me! You'll see why.) Fucking Me Before You.

If you go through my Sam posts, you will see that I never mention this film, not even when I talk about his book adaptations. The only time I did name it was when I listed the female directors he worked with, bc the film has a female director. When I became a fully fledged Sam fan in 2020, I saw how beloved the film was and how everyone cried over it (why?) and how I could not escape it every time I read any article or interview, and I understood that I will have to be on my own. I couldn't believe how amazing Sam's filmography was, and yet nobody talked about it, it was all Finnick (who is at least cool, despite all my issues with THG that I've just posted about)--and this garbage.

Let me just make something clear, I don't hate MBY bc of its ending. I actually like the ending. I like that he chose death over being with Louisa, bc it contradicts this supposed great love story the author is trying to sell. Also I absolutely loathe Louisa Clark. She is my most hated character of all time and the worst protagonist I've ever read the POV of. She is stupid, the stupidest cow in the whole fucking galaxy. She even fails at being a manic pixie dream girl. I hate her so, so much. Every time I have the misfortune of coming across that scene where she sits on his lap in the wheelchair and they are on the dancefloor and she is laughing, I want to hit her in the face so hard that she fall backwards, cracks her skull and dies. I hate her.

The book is also very poorly written. I see Colleen Hoover get so much hate these days, but idk, I think Jojo Moyes is way worse. Maybe she's not on that many people's radar, to which I say: good! She's also allegedly plagiarised another author. The only reason I don't want to invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent her birth is my fear of creating the timeline where Sam will not break his second ankle and becomes a footballer instead of an actor, so you see that wouldn't have been any good.

Now, I've read pieces from people who are more knowledgeable about this than me that MBY is ableist, and I could make big posts about how ableist it is, but I don't bc it would only come off as insincere. (I didn't realise it was in fact ableist until I read those pieces.) I'm all about authenticity, I don't do virtue signalling/performative wokery. You can say I hate it for the wrong reasons. I hate the book bc it's such a fucking cheap tearjerker that only got published bc the publishers knew it would make people cry. But also I hate the fact that it uses disability as a device to tell a cheap tearjerker, so maybe in a roundabout way it is ableism that I hate it for. (I will post something about the ableism though, just for info.)

The protagonist is an idiot with no skills, woefully unqualified for the job she is hired for (she fails at every other previous job she tries!). All the characters are terribly shallow and one-dimensional. Will's mother is a bitch bc... reasons? Bc the author wants her to be? Overdone tropes of an inattentive bf and a bitch of an ex-gf. You see I don't think Alicia was shitty, it's that Louisa presents her that way and she is not a reliable narrator. Ofc she describes her as a bitch. Alicia explained to Louisa that she tried with Will after his accident, but he pushed her away (even though Alicia doesn't owe Louisa any explanation, and a cow like Louisa has no right to judge her, or anyone else for that matter).

From Tv Tropes MBY YMMV page:

Unintentionally Sympathetic: Will's ex and his friend. We're clearly supposed to hate them for hooking up, but it's not like she ditched him the minute he got hurt. She points out that he relentlessly pushed her away and rebuffed all her efforts to be there for him. Her moving on was inevitable and you can't really fault them for eventually turning to each other—obviously, their efforts to comfort each other turned into something more—she outright says that they've been friends for ages and that he was a great support to her after the accident.

Jojo is presenting MBY as this big love story. Except it isn't. Louisa has a Florence Nightingale complex, and Will. Doesn't love Louisa. "You're the only thing that makes me get up in the morning." Sure, that's why he kills himself. For which I don't blame him, if the other option is being with Louisa. But that means it's not love!

But you're right that it's pointless, bc it achieves nothing. If he decided to live and then died of natural causes, then yeah, that would have been a different matter, that would have meant that the protagonist succeeded at something.

Screenshot of a funny one-star review on Goodreads:

I do wonder if Jojo has a handfeeding fetish. I shudder when I think about watching Sam being hand-fed by Emilia Clarke. I really don't think I can take on this film.

Louisa inheriting money from Will, idk, I have no opinion of it and Louisa is not even the type of a woman that knows how to enjoy money. What's she gonna do with it, buy a million pairs of stripey tights?

As for the sequel, it looks like it's a trilogy and Will's kid is I think one of those most boring tropes where a guy didn't know he had a child for years bc the mother didn't tell him. Jojo once again showing her lack or ideas. Gilmore Girls did it, Peaky Blinders did it and worst of all, even fucking Star Trek Picard did it, and those are just shows that I've watched lately!

I have heard of the Untouchable film (I found it when I was looking up Omar Sy bc I liked him in Lupin). I planned to watch it but then forgot. I really need to check it out, it looks good.

This got long... thanks for reading.

[heyyyitsmegia]

My Thoughts on Conrad Fisher

Ladies and Gentlemen-men-men. I do believe that it is time for a (*drum roll please*)... A CONRAD POST!!!! Let's go. Let's turn up!

Okay. I am actually so excited for this!

Okay. Conrad FIsher. Con. Connie. Connie Baby. (Multiple nicknames). My husband. My man. (My nicknames for him). *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Let's talk about him. Shall we?

Okay. So. I decided that I would list some pros and cons. And then give a summary/wrapping up what I discussed.

So let's get started! Keep in mind. This is my own opinion. Again no hate toward my Connie baby.

Pros:

Cute as hell.

The Taylor Swift songs (obvi).

He's good at surfing, sailing, volleyball, and guitar.

Great hair.

He can dance/remember all the dances from previous deb ball.

Winter Conrad (1 million points).

Sticks up for Belly and Jere.

Taught Belly how to dance.

Gave up smoking when Belly said she didn't want him to smoke.

Super smart.

Fireplace scene (oh my lawd).

Helped Belly win the volleyball tournament.

Can be caring (when he's not in a mood).

Great jokes/very funny.

Can start a fire.

Loves Belly for infinity (vise versa).

Looks good in plaid.

Gives Belly his jackets/sweatshirts when she's cold.

Tutoring Belly in trig.

Trying to save the summer house.

Not letting Belly swim while drunk.

Happy Conrad.

Remembered that coco was her specialty.

The hug.

They are endgame (end up together).

Cons:

Spends the majority of the season giving parents hell.

Rude and closed off since he quit football and broke up with his girlfriend (Aubrey).

Brought Belly to the boardwalk to see another girl.

Red sox girl (even tho she's super hot).

Selfish.

Telling Belly he "never wanted her" and then taking it back.

Overprotective.

Staying drunk.

Calls Belly a "brat".

Suggests he and the boys crash Belly’s date.

Didn't give Belly the infinity necklace right away.

Pretends they don't almost kiss.

Breaks up with her at prom.

Tells her, "Why don't you go look in the mirror some more".

Makes Belly cry (multiple times).

Kind, sorta... made Belly ride the Tower of Terror.

Could have been there more for Jere and Beck.

His fav insult, "Grow up".

Communication skills.

I'm sorry for saying this because, I know he was doing it for his mom. But. Singing.

Being a coward (waiting to tell/not telling Belly about his feelings).

Running away.

Forgot corsage.

Bringing up how many guys/girls Jere hooked up with.

Asking for Jere's blessing.

In conclusion. Conrad Fisher is a good guy. Yes, he has his problems. But, he also has his good moments. Conrad is one of those characters that everyone feels like is... misunderstood and taken for granted. Like, you just want to give him a hug. This is how he is portrayed in the books and in the show. (In my opinion). I love Conrad. Well, happy Conrad. I get why Belly loves him so much. Because, when he's not solemn or somber or sad or closed off. He's a really nice person and someone that people actually like to be around. Conrad and Belly are obviously endgame. I mean they do get married. And I'm at peace with that. Because, even though I'm team Jeremiah. I can see why other people are team Conrad. I mean he is Belly's first love. But, me. I'm just a sucker for a, best friend to lovers trope. And, that's why I am a jellyfisher. But. Me having watched the show and read the books... I love how they brought Conrad's character to life and just made him, ten times better in the show. Because, in the books I didn't care for him as much as I do in the show. Like, I hated him in the books. But, that's not the point. Conrad is a very sensitive guy and I feel like if he worked on his communication skills, he would be a whole lot better. Because, right now. He's lacking in that department. In the end... Jelly for life. But. Connie Baby definitely has my heart.

[nyxknocks]

I support women's rights but most importantly I support women's wrongs. Not that I think the women in this movie did anything wrong, but if they did, I would support them. I digress.

So, I've had Ugetsu on my list of movies to watch on Max for well over a year now, couldn't remember for the life of me why. Watching it, now I do. I love me a good ol' ghost story. Too bad this left me mostly disappointed and frankly, pretty pissed off.

I didn't think I could be more annoyed at characters than Shige in Tokyo Story but I guess I forgot that men as a whole exist because wow. The men in this film suck massively. Selfishness and greed is most definitely the name of the game in this, as well as the male obsession with honor and notoriety. The two men essentially ruin their own lives (but more important the lives of their wives) in an effort to further their own selfish whims--money, status, glory, what have you.

The ending is insulting because you expect the message to at least somewhat be like "look, this is what happens when you stray from your family duties for selfish actions" but the men are fine? At the end? And they get their wives back, albeit halfway. They really made her haunt him forever and be happy about it after he wholly and fully married another lady, ghost or not. How is that justice? How does that make them learn their lesson, truly? That they can destroy everything they had and leave these women destitute and alone--one murdered while defending their son and the other having to resort to sex work after being assaulted. The lack of agency the women have is insulting even if it is period appropriate. If I died after being abandoned by my useless husband while he had an extramarital affair with a ghost, I would haunt him too but I wouldn't help him. That man would suffer every day for the rest of his life, smh. The kid can go back to the village elder, they took better care of him since clearly that dad didn't care one iota until his ghost wife and ghost home faded into ruin. Prick. "Why did you have to die" I will. Kill you.

I could not care less about the split narratives. The samurai one felt shoe-horned in and lack luster compared to the ghost one (though that could be my bias) and felt less developed. With more runtime, this probably could've been better, but alas. Disappointing.

Now. What I did like about this (besides the ghosts) was the MUSIC and AUDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god the creepy little bells from the moment you meet Lady Wakasa showing off that something just isn't quite right from the jump. Her lighting and dress is often ethereal, and the way they shot Ukon during the reveal of the whole ghost-bit was amazing. She was fully in shadow looming behind Genjuro while he was getting mind freaked. This is immediately mirrored when he returns and we get Miyagi fully enshrouded with darkness/shadows with the only light being on the sandals--which further mirrors the focus shot on the sandals left in the dirt during Ohama's assault. The make up was SO effective in making Lady Wakasa just uncanny and off, really setting her apart but mostly making you believe it's her sexual allure--that she's some temptress, not a ghost. I'm also a sucker for all forms of traditional music, so that fan dance scene was easily my favorite bit. Ghost lady? Check. Fan dance? Check.

This movie does excellent at portraying both men and particularly men in power as highly aggressive, selfish, and destructive. The samurai are not protectors--they are violent men who pillage like bandits do. Dutiful wives are left behind--to their death, or to be assaulted with no option left but death or sex work--and then expected to just pick up right where they left off when the men decide they learned their lesson and are ready to come back. No lesson is truly learned. So they went back to working hard, so what? What happens a year from now, when another big sell happens or he finds another grand dream? Pull the same stuff again, expect the women to take them back? She's stuck haunting him forever man !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I call bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[loquaciousquark]

domesticity meme!!! 13 & 37

37. what would they do if the other one was hurt?

Ohhhhhh heavens! Let me dig into the ...how many words do I have on AO3 right now? WHAAAAAAT LET ME DIG INTO MY APPARENTLY 1,184,730 WORDS when in the world did I break that million word marker!! Oh--probably with the backlog I posted from early FF.net days--though now that I think about that, that's probably not more than 80k words. Incredible!

Anyway. The answer is they fucking hover. Both of them, clingy as limpets. Hawke hovers and tells bad jokes; Fenris hovers and gets mad. They're both protective to a fault--and I mean that, it's really not healthy for either of them. Fortunately, they don't get hurt much, and when they do they mostly heal quickly. At least the way I hurt them, anyway. Mostly.

Part of the problem is Hawke's determination to prevent pain for all others by taking all of it herself. She's the richest, the most socially powerful, the one apostate beyond Meredith's reach; if anyone poorer or weaker or shabbier than her gets hurt in any way, that means she, personally, failed to protect them and balance out the pain scales. Is that healthy? No! Is that going to make anyone else happy to avoid that pain? No! Does that matter? No!

So in contrast, Fenris's "keep your head down, protect yourself first" attitude provides some of that necessary counterbalancing. Also, if Hawke getting hurt would cause Fenris pain, it's no longer a perfect preferable option, so she can't default to that as her first response anymore.

Is this healthy growth? Ehhh, close enough.

13. favorite sexual activity?

Under the cut, just in case!

Also, fair warning: going to discuss Danarius pretty frankly here. That said, I think they're both reasonably adventurous! Hawke only had one long-term partner in Lothering and a few stolen kisses during the Meeran year before Fenris shows up, so I don't think she's nearly as experienced as Fenris is. I think she'd enjoy anything that prolongs the experience of the intimacy (edging) or relies heavily on intimate trust (light bondage, blindfolding). She also unashamedly loves being the center of attention and is perfectly happy to entertain herself while Fenris watches.

She doesn't get a lot out of spanking/flogging and would not find giving up all of her control a pleasurable experience, not just because of her personality, but because as a mage losing control of herself is possibly her most fundamental horror. I don't think she could ever let go in a sexual context (especially to a non-mage who will never really understand that struggle) without breaking part of her mind in the process. She's also completely incapable of taking a roleplay scene seriously, though I'm sure she'd try if Fenris asked.

That said, anything that Fenris likes is very, very high on her list. She very seriously wants him to enjoy everything they do, preferably with very little pain involved, and I think in the early reunion days she's almost overly focused on him to the point it makes him uncomfortable. Still, she's got enough natural selfishness that doesn't last overly long, and they find a pleasant equilibrium soon enough.

Fenris is so much trickier. I have some extremely complicated headcanons about whether the things he likes are things that Danarius trained him to like vs. his own natural preference and his struggles to figure out if that matters over the years, and I definitely think that extends to his sexual preferences. I think at the start with Hawke he's deathly afraid of bringing in anything he ever did with Danarius (because if Danarius enjoyed it, what kind of monster would it make him if he has some of those fantasies too? If he gets pleasure out of the same act Danarius did, is that not poisoning Hawke in the same way Danarius poisoned him?).

And the thing is, I don't think the things that interest him are even necessarily that exotic! I think he likes being pegged so long as he can see Hawke the whole time; I think he likes very mild D/s (both sides); I think he likes giving oral. I think he knows he's incredibly good at it on both men and women (see again: my beliefs about how Danarius deployed his abilities), and I think he finds tremendously empowering pleasure in applying these skills in a way he has chosen for himself, on a person he cares about, rather than on some object of his master as part of a dispassionate political manipulation. I think Fenris also knows he is very, very good at this in general and likes having that honed skill recognized by his partner; that it's someone he loves and who loves him is a new bonus layer to the experience. I even think he'd be okay with light binding eventually, though neither of them is ever going to be interested in shibari or anything like that. Still, it takes a long time to get him to even begin opening up about some of this stuff, even with Hawke.

I do think he has a major praise kink, on that topic. But God, it has to be done such a specific way to ring true for me; for me, the idea of Hawke calling him any nicknames which infantilize him or force shame is just an instant hard stop brick wall. Any banter, nickname or otherwise, anything that implies shameful inexperience (or shameful EXperience), lack of control, extreme youth/naivete, or otherwise undermines his dignity and pride, is just--ugh, please no. (I read a fic once where he was called "baby boy" for most of it and I just couldn't get over how much it made my skin crawl. It may work for other Hawkes & Fenrises, but man, not for mine.) He's scraped his pride out of absolutely nothing and for many years it was literally the only thing of worth he had, and even in play I don't think Hawke could stand to see him humiliated. On that note, I think Danarius used to call him "my dear," and Hawke never calls him that as a result. Pretty much other pet name is on the docket, though.

Other than that, I think Fenris also just gets a kick out of sex where he gets to enjoy himself. His control is immaculate and I think he likes exploiting that against Hawke; I think knowing he's going to for sure have a good time at the end regardless makes him more interested in holding out as long as possible some nights.

I do think Hawke has a marginally higher sex drive than Fenris, but again, she's perfectly happy to take care of herself when Fenris is either out or not in the mood. Thankfully, he's also completely okay with this.