#just having feelings about astarion and my own mental health/trauma

[plaidpyjamas]

I'm glad bg3 came out when it did because I'm finally getting treatment but it's making me feel like I'm backsliding a lot. I haven't played the game at all lmao but the characters have had an effect on me i guess

I can see a lot of myself in Astarion, referring to him as a "spicy feral cat" is fun and goofy but also it's like...helping me...? be nicer to myself..? sometimes..? Like why tf do I snap when someone tries to help me? Well, if it were Astarion why would he be upset? Whatever it is it's....probably the same reason, honestly lmao

[aloy-sobek]

It's always worrisome to me seeing how fandom interacts with media when placing mental health and illness on it.

The word Narcissist is used when you mean asshole or annoying. To write a narcissistic character you need purposeful steps into that direction with purposeful choices.

To say a character has narcissistic traits, well we aren't with these character nearly long enough to truly identify that.

Gale gets this a lot. He also gets Autistic coded and I think that is something that speaks volumes. Gale is incredibly compassionate, is all about doing the right thing, and speaks his mind about it.

However in that vain of thought he is pragmatic, boldly spoken and blunt. He can be awkward, kinda an ass and sometimes insensitive. Something a lot of autistic people relate too is this dichotomy. And it's interesting that though he is overall a very kind person, his direct interaction earn him this title, something many Autistic people have also heard.

Gale isn't my favorite character, far from it, but he is written well. Complex, not perfect, human.

Meanwhile there is Astarion. I adore Astarion, but often am repulsed by how people view him and how people assign mental illness to him. No doubt he has been through Trauma and no doubt it is complex, and as a CPtsd trauma surviver there is so much about him related to. His journey to healing is hard faught for him, I mean, 200 years of abuse is an extreme amount to live through. He's suspicious, plotting, assumes he needs power to stay safe. And Safe IS what he wants. We with CPTSD, our tragedy is how we never feel safe.

However if Astarion Ascends that IS a Narcissist path. As NPD is BORN from Trauma. Even after defeating his abuser in that moment Astarion didn't feel safe. He was activated the entire time. The panic, fear, anxiety, that goes through you when you're just in the room with your abuser. People can say it's over, but the body keeps score and Astarion has it written in his flesh. He makes excuses that lack empathy (I didn't even know they were alive until now). It centers around him and his fear and his desire to feel safe and survive.

So if he Ascends he crosses that boundary. People aren't born narcissist, they are made, and through his ascension Astarion becomes one. The world now revolves around him. He took what he needed to survive. That's what he learned he needed to do. To live, to be safe, you have to take what you need and to hell with anyone else because after all that's exactly what everyone else is doing.

Yet there are people who see that as his happy ending. Saying he becomes a Narcissist might earn a good hate comment or two but I think it's worth saying because people view those with NPD as being born these heartless monsters, not survivors of their own horrors.

And as a survivor of a narcissistic mother I will say no their trauma does not excuse their bad behavior or them hurting you. But there is a reason it's called the abuse CYCLE.

Astarion story is about continuing it or breaking it.

And don't get me wrong, playing Ascended Astarion doesn't make you a bad person. It's good story telling. But it's a tragedy. But it's not without hope.

[alpaca-clouds]

Rape, Abuse, Trauma and the Need for Power

This topic has been sneaking around in my brain for days now. Because I find it quite interesting to see this depicted in now multiple franchises. And I really want to talk about it. Partly, because I see some people struggling to understand it. So, let me, an abuse victim, explain.

You see these three characters? Yeah, they actually have a lot in common. Let me explain.

Spoilers vor Castlevania, Stray Gods and Baldur's Gate, obviously.

All three of them were victims of abuse and (probably) also rape. It should be noted that with both Carmilla and Persephone it is never outright said that they were raped, but it is heavily implied. With Astarion, obviously, it is outright stated.

More than that, we do know about all three of them that they were also abused. Both Carmilla and Astarion by their respective sires. Persephone by Hades.

And they also have one other thing in common: Their character arc features them trying to get some sort of power. Let me go through with them.

Carmilla was abused by her sire. We do know very little about the details, only that he was very cruel. There is some heavy implication that the abuse involved rape. At some point she killed her sire. Her entire character story is about her trying to get power for herself. First by trying to get control over Dracula's Castle. Then she tries to build her own empire. With her mental health getting worse, she ends up fantasizing about world domination.

Persephone in Stray Gods was kidnapped, raped and abused by Hades. She had everything taken from her during this, until she finally could not take it any longer and killed Hades. But the other gods denied her to take control over the underworld. Her basic conflict stems from her wanting to regain control over the underworld again.

Astarion is of course the odd one out, given we learn a lot more about his abuse. But like the two women, he was abused, raped and tortured. Due to the DnD vampire rules, he had no way of actually fighting back against his sire, with him escaping just through what amounts to sheer luck. When he learns that his sire wanted to sacrifice him (and many others) to gain a lot of power, Astarion wants to finish the ritual for himself, gaining the power.

The outcome of course is different for all three.

Carmilla gets killed, once she goes down the "world domination" thing. While with Persephone and Astarion it depends on player choice. I would argue though, that the happy end for them both is them giving up the power. That is Persephone giving up the throne and Astarion not finishing the ritual.

What is the interesting thing about this... Or, well, interesting might be the wrong world. But it is well written. Because this is very, very realistic for their backstories.

See, both abuse and especially rape are a lot about power. The abuser/rapist takes full control over the victim's body and life. (Which is also why rape rarely has to do with sexual enjoyment, and more with the rapist wanting to assert power.) Or, from the perspective of the survivor: It is all about having the power taken away from them.

This is bad enough if it is something that is a one time occurance. But if the survivor is in the situation for a long time, they experience a prolonged period of powerlessness and fear. The survivor is constantly afraid, constantly in survival mode, constantly trying to just get through it.

In my life I have seen too many bad takes along the lines of: "Rape survivors should stop whining. How bad can one rape be?" And those people do once again not understand: Rape is not about the sex. It is about having control and power over your own body taken away from you. It is about you being turned into a thing to be used by someone else. Which does not even mention the feeling of fear most people experience during a rape, as they do not know what kind of other violence might follow.

And this is something that leads the survivors to even after escaping the abuse, the trauma often leaves them feeling powerless. They might objectively not have less power than they had before the abuse happened, but to the traumatized nervous system it feels like that. And the traumatized brain does not work logically or objectively. All it knows is: The survivor has not enough power to prevent this situation from occuring again. But here is the thing: No amount of power will make them feel like they have enough power, like they can meaningfully protect themselves from further abuse.

This is why Carmilla is escalating so much in season 4 of Castlevania. Because no matter how much control and power she gets, she does not feel like it is enough to protect herself.

This is also why I do feel like the happy end for both Persephone and Astarion is them giving up their symbol of power. Because the thing is, that them gaining the power will just push them along into a spiral of needing more power to keep themselves in a feeling of being safe. Which is why the good ending for them needs to involve them being convinced to basically trust people again. Because that is a path that given enough time can lead to healing. Them gaining the power won't. In terms of their trauma the power they might gain is just a bandaid on an infected wound.

I have seen a lot of people argue that you should let Astarion finish the ritual, because it "is what he wants". But the thing is... it isn't. All he wants is to feel safe. And he thinks if he gains that power, he can feel safe. But he can't. To feel safe he needs to heal.

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

.

.

.

MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[alpydk]

Fanfic meme questions - A, R, X!

Thank you for the ask <3 (I've finally got internet access again!) - You're going to wish you'd only asked 1 - essays incoming!

A: Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

I have a soft spot for all my fic's in a way. Every one of them is written with a bit of myself in, so it's tricky to choose a favourite. Right now it's a toss up between Two Years and Choices - Both short fics. The long fic's I love, but I get a little detached from them.

Two Years, I love because for me I find it to be a very realistic experience of the hardship that is infertility. So many believe it ends in a happy ending or a couple grows closer with loss, but really it can be very different and the emotions you feel are very individual. It's an incredibly lonely experience to go through and one that really needs to be spoken about more. The story pulls from a lot of my own experiences I went through with my partner and I guess I just believe that fanfic shouldn't ignore these issues that people struggle with every day.

Choices, is not particularly well liked, it's almost a bash against spawn Astarion that most will not even want to entertain (that's fine.) - but it explores the mentality of someone who always puts their partner first, thus bringing themselves more trauma. They always say yes, always try to help, even when it becomes detrimental to their own mental health and to me, it's important to see. I've voiced about his romance before, especially during act 3 onwards where it stagnates and that's where this fic comes from.

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

Andy Remic - Cheesiest action books ever, The combat K series is really worth reading if you like sci fi chaos and edgy characters. The books are not literary classics. They probably won't bore teenagers to death in their exams, but I love them anyway. They make me want to read and write.

As for fanfic, anyone who writes whether it be perfect poetic prose, in-depth existential crises or just a slice of life fluff/smut. You're taking this enormous leap, putting your work out there for people to see, and that's just amazing to me. You're all amazing for doing it. (and that means you all get to suffer with more of my stuff, you all inspire me to make more.)

X: How would you categorize your fanfic reading?  Are you a voracious reader?  Do you carefully pick and choose?  Something in between?

I pick and choose. Certain tags I like for a start, hurt/no comfort, Gale, etc... I also struggle to read well established fics. I'm more likely to read one from the start than one multiple chapters in. I write more than I read, that's for sure.

I've also found this whole "most kudos/bookmarked" thing is a sham. There are some real hidden gems out there.

[rikuyrk06]

I have more thought about Astarion's emotion and response. Although I am not a SA victim, but sometimes I have some traumatic response and repulsive act as Astarion did in the game, such as suppress own emotion. reject from other people's help and tends to negative ways in any relationship. He needs to survive in that awful situation, he must not have any empathy and affection towards the victims who lured to Cazador. He used more dramatic talking style to hide his real emotion and also attract other people to talk with him. But there is nothing real in these interaction, so he has trust issue among all the people. He don't believe Tav/Durge genuinely help to find the meaning of the scar, even fight for him for freeing from Cazador.

This is more about my experience. I don't have really in romantic relationship before, but I have emotional abused by different classmates in different time during still had being a teenager. Now I don't act terribly as Astarion when talk to others but I do not put trust or show reaction that it is too genuine because maybe they might backstab in workplace. Although meeting outside the job, I still put my doubt to any people. You will hardly ever hear what my opinion is. If they want to add my social media account, I don't give them. I have a few friends that I trust but it is because we know each other for a long time and have some similar hobbies. For my current work , I usually isolate myself as not too much about my private life. I don't even tell any of my friend about the detail of my trauma and events that I went though. I do not care about power and harming others but definitely having negative thought and horrible monolog in my mind. If there are no games and other media, I may flatlined myself. (you know the meaning if you played 2077) I am not a hypersexual person but have some curiosity for sexuality. No matter him with Tav, with Durge, with Halsin or the Drow twin in polyamory relationship, I can see the nuance that how he handle and interact to them. The story and the discussion between players makes me explore the possibility in sexuality and relationship. Yeah I am in asexual spectrum (lol), feel indifferent in sex. I won't say I am repulsive to sexual attraction but I rarely attracted by other people regardless of gender in real life. I had been wondering why media always heavily imply that romantic relationship is the most important things in our life, but I just don't care. It is sure that to have good romantic relationship is wonderful but I won't take too much effort to get in relationship if I don't have deep emotional bond and truly known this person. it is not an character analysis, just for write down what I thought when I romance Astarion. I am fond that many players resonate to his journey. I hope all the people who has been facing traumatic events and mental health issues to be seen. Please give them more love and caring.

[notquitecanon]

Do you do scenarios or headcanons? If so, how many characters can we request for scenarios or headcanons? Would you do the same prompt with different characters? Can we request for male reader, female reader, gender neutral reader, etc? Other than Astarion, are there any characters from Baldur's Gate 3 you would write? Are there any topics you won't do like rape, suicide, etc? Do you do poly ships x reader? Would you mind if we request for Alternate Universes or Aus like AU where the character lives happily? Would you mind if the request is suggestive, implied sex, or mentioned sex but no explicit sex? Would you do NSFW requests? For Baldur's Gate 3 requests, would you mind if we don't specify the race/class to leave it ambiguous or if we ask specify the race/class like human/healer? What kinks would you accept for requests? Thank you in advance!

Honestly, I’ve just never had those kind of requests on here. I also am very bad about answering requests bc my brain is a goblin with a pencil who is very picky about what sparks my interest enough to push past the usual fog of writers block. But funny enough I used to run a Star Wars fanfic blog so I do have answers to these questions:

1.) I’m not opposed to doing scenarios/ head canons! Sometimes doing them is what sparks a full fic or it’s just fun to slow down and enjoy imagining things!

As for how many, to prevent burn out I’ll probs stick to 2 or 3 characters at a time. If someone requests more than 3, I’d probs pick the 3 that I had the better ideas for / knew the characters better

2.) Requesting different gendered readers. Full transparency, I’m a cisgender woman.

I feel most knowledgeable writing feminine presenting characters, as I can use my own experiences! That being said, I do write things to be gender neutral and can do that on request. As for writing for a male reader, I’m open to trying! It’s not in my realm of experience nor have I done it before, but if I got the right request, I’d be happy to try! (I just don’t want to not write to my usual standards and I especially don’t want to offend anyone because of my lack of knowledge!)

3.) I’ll write for any of the romanceable characters, except Minthara (haven’t been able to recruit her yet so I don’t know her)

I’m more likely to write for characters that I’m most attracted to such as Astarion, Halsin, Karlach, Gale, and Lae’zel.

4.) I won’t write graphic depictions of rape or suicidal. I will use mentions of trauma / mental health struggles in my writing, and I always mention them in my TW section. Not so much a problem in this phantom, but I also don’t write incest. Or inappropriate age gaps.

5.) I have never written a polyamorous relationship, but I’d be open to trying with the right prompt/request. I have a lot of love to go around, so I think I can do this.

6.)  when it comes to AU’s I mostly try to keep it in universe, and I will do what I call fix it fics. That way if the work I am trying to do takes place after the end of game, I can still have all my little guys because I refuse to believe that there’s not a happy ending for everybody. And if there isn’t one, I will create one. But I don’t really do coffee shop they use or flower shop use or anything that takes them out of the world that they are in.

7.) at the moment, I don’t write outright smut. It’s not because I don’t want to or can’t, I just don’t think I’m very good at it. I will use mentions of sex, heavy-handed, make out sessions, and honestly pretty much everything right up until the point of actual sex. So you request smut, but I might not be as quick to answer those others. Personally, I find the tension leading up to this smut the fun part to write and read.

8.) as for race/class of BG3 readers, I will try to keep it, usually fairly and ambiguous. Though, how I have written everything that I have written, even though I’ve only posted one thing, I, based all of my writing off how I played the game personally. So, if you have something specific in mind, you’ll have to specify in the request, or I will default to what I usually do. (Reference I love playing Rangers. They are my favorite, so I have knowledge of nature, survival and some medicinal skills) 

9.) as for kinks, I accept, I will accept anything in the ask box, even if I don’t write it. no kink shaming here as long as the kinks don’t fall under any of the things that I don’t write, which are listed in the above points

Thank you for asking, and being so respectful about my writing! I really appreciate it and hope that you request something :) 

Disclaimer, I hope everything that is written in this makes sense, I’m using voice to text as I do something else.

[amaryllis-sagitta]

My first impression was very ambiguous, I remember going into the romance scene in EA and saying to myself "boooy that's like 3 red flags in one, k bye" and wanting to never try with him again. I was worried they would try to write him as very dark, egotistical and manipulative by default, and I was fully ready not to vibe with that character at all. Thankfully, my short-term & autobiographic memory dysfunction made me completely forget that impression, and on release I was already pre-warned that this is going somewhere else than I assumed, so I could stay open minded.

But these red flags of him being very calculating in his approach, pretty mean despite an ostensibly flirtatious/ friendly intention, telling many honeyed words without a trace of passion behind them, and making the entire process sound like it's about his satisfaction and safety, are still there on release, and the Ascension amps them up.

This is why the Act 2 moments pack such a punch in terms of Astarion showing vulnerability and sincere intentions (even if he kinda hates them about himself at the time), which re-contextualizes all the buffoonery and malice he has shown before. If you were distrustful of him in Act 1, then from your perspective this is a choice to be fair and principled instead of using him as a tool (there are no disapproving reactions if you give your own blood to Araj), or just unwittingly, reactively returning the snide, malicious treatment that he's giving everyone. But if you've already woobified him, you'll end up woobifying him even more after that, because now he seems to be the poor little meow meow who needs the MC to stand up for him etc.

Even to this day, I say to myself: thank goodness this is fictional guy, because in real life I wouldn't have had the the skill to protect myself emotionally, or the patience to put up with a person like that on a daily basis. He would be kinda entertaining to me for exactly 30 minutes and then rapidly go into the "Don't Touch With a 10 Foot Pole, Only Speak When Absolutely Necessary" territory. I've had coworkers like that and in my experience, having someone Like That around when you have your own CPTSD is exhausting because they're fake, they're unsafe, their sass gets abrasive pretty quickly because of how obvious the posturing is, so they activate all the hypervigilance and people reading instincts that are very unnecessary in most circumstances. News flash, challenging people is hard if you were constantly judged and intimidated. Thankfully, I can challenge characters in games and save scum if I feel I've been too mean. Anyway.

Feels like the worst parts of the Astarion discourse are constantly at tension between infantilizing woobification and absolutely unhinged femme thirst that rides on the train of the initial marketing scheme for Astarion (like hello, Onlyfangs was fully intended as a lie to crumble in your face, and yet so many people haven't gotten past that phase in Astarion's reception). It a) hasn't been properly problematized for what it is and b) has proven to breach the boundaries of Astarion's fictitious reality just like the hate commonly addressed at creators tends to in the Internet spaces.

Both these attitudes are a result of cherry picking and a sort of confirmation bias (not in a scientific sense but in a sense of already having a complete "correct" reading of a narrative before you're finished and not allowing any textual evidence to change it), one is dangerously out of touch with the parasocial nature of gaming fandoms and the sheer force of impact that an Internet mob's opinion can have on someone's mental health if they have to face a barrage of a certain kind of takes. It is about some specific misconceptions about trauma survivors that only serve the healthy people to feel very helpful and very good about themselves, but also a part of a wider tendency where people treat the interpretation of any text of culture like a singular act of consumption that gives you the Correct Key Answer to use in a potential debate, not a proper circular methodology where you constantly agree to acquire new information, have your mind changed, your expectations subverted, where you agree to learn something and make self-discoveries through the classic esthetic shock. This wider tendency leads to all sorts of internet wank, not just in this specific case. Long story short, the fandom needs to get over their ick over fucking Aristotle and read about the parts of the process that necessarily precede catharsis.

NGL, looking at the state of the fandom it looks like Larian aimed a little too high with the kind of esthetic shock wave they wanted to send to Astarion's target audience. Whoever understands, understands it too well, and the collective of these inquisitive, understanding fans is likely to read into more layers of meaning and identification than the authors intended, and that's valid. But most people who need to be taught the lesson will not allow themselves to be shocked and challenged by a deeper literary take like that, because the openness to a classic esthetic experience isn't there.

the weirdest thing about the general astarion discourse in the bg3 fandom is that he does actually suck. and astarion fans seem to forget this all the time but he sucks ass. he’s a shitty guy. he’s lame and a loser and rude and kind of stupid and a bad person if you let him get away with it. that’s why i like him.

maybe it’s the blorbo glasses that make people forget about it or maybe it’s the infantilization of grown adults who’ve been traumatized but i see so much fighting about him that boils down to “he’s a shitty person!”/“no he isn’t, he was tortured for 200 years!”. and the answer is that he was a shitty person, got beaten half to death, and then got tortured for 200 years. he sucks and is also a victim. can we fight about something more interesting please.

[the-stage-manager]

Chief, I hear that. I KNOW that. I know exactly how much it fucking sucks to feel like you can't experience something because your trauma prevents you from enjoying it. That line of his hit me like a fucking truck. My trauma stole my whole fucking life for me. I understand it more viscerally than you could ever possibly fucking comprehend.

"It's disgusting to further bar him from his sexuality. I know it's nice to see yourself in a character, but don't be so tone deaf." "This is something for people who have dealt with something very serious, not about navigating the world as an ace person."

So am I allowed to see myself in this character or not? Cuz I've been through some seriously fucked up shit, so according to you, his story is for me. But only if I see it the exact same way that you see it, right?

Sexuality is fluid. Chemicals and hormones and trauma and life experiences affect sexuality, that is a fact. It is a fact that not all asexual people are traumatized, in fact the majority of them are not. It is also a fact that some traumatized people become asexual or sex repulsed. You're so narrow-minded that you think yours is the only story that counts, that your interpretation is the only correct one, and if anybody else has lived an experience that's different from yours, if they see the world different from you, then they're wrong. You think that people are not allowed to interact with media unless they do it your way, the right way. You care more about a stupid fucking pixel man, then the lives and experiences of the real life people who project themselves onto him and find healing through him.

You don't get to be an advocate for mental health or sexuality and then clamp your hands over your ears and do your hardest to ignore a very real group of people who exist, whose existence makes you uncomfortable. You don't get to pretend like our stories aren't valid just because we weren't born this way, just because we suffered something so horrific it altered the way our brains function—you don't get to say that we don't count, or that we don't get to find comfort in a character because we view them differently.

If somebody rides a fucking fanfic about sex repulsed Astarion, what do you think is going to happen? The whole Ace community will implode? You do not have the right to tell random people on the internet how they are and are not allowed to find comfort and healing. If we do it by projecting ourselves onto a fictional character, so what? We're not erasing anybody's identity. In fact it's you who's trying to erase our identity! Us, people who sexuality has been affected by their trauma! We are real! We exist! And it sucks so fucking much to not feel welcome to our own goddamn community just because others think we invalidate them.

Per my last post:

Astarion is also sad about feeling uncomfortable with sex. If you actually listen to him and listen to people who have been through sexual trauma, often the people who put in the effort to work through it (like myself), we feel like our sexual drive was something stolen from us.

Considering that, its disgusting to bar him from his sexuality further by putting those labels on him. I know it's nice to see yourself in a character you like but holy shit don't be so tone deaf.

Ultimately his story is about someone working through their secual trauma, not about navigating the world as an ace person. This is something for people who have dealt with something very serious, you take away a lot from his experience by saying his disposition is just due to a sexuality.