#just got a new phone and this formatting is super screwy

[many-but-one]

We want to start unmasking after 27 years of thinking we were just a singlet, but trying to be ourselves when each of us front throws up anxiety, we feel like it’s acting or scripted, because the things we want to do are opposite the autopilot that the body’s been doing all this time following the habits and routine of a person everyone things we are. Family don’t know we’re a system either, but we want to be ourselves not a mask when we visit our partner system this year, we don’t want to waste the trip not being who we really are. Do you have any advice? Or tips?

Hey anon! Jules here. I’m the host of the system. I’m really glad you asked this, because we were kind of in the same boat as you for a while. Several of our parts still aren’t comfortable unmasking and that’s okay! It’s a slow process. It took several months after the diagnosis for our Gatekeeper to finally unmask around our wife (then fiancé) and even more time after that to unmask in front of our therapist. He wouldn’t let anyone unmask even longer after that, until some folks finally did it and he realized it’s really not so bad after all, as long as it’s with people we trust fully. So like maybe 5 people, lol. Our parents know about the system but we still mask heavily around them. They are better than they used to be now that we’re an adult but they used to be pretty horrible to us. This fear that they’ll revert makes us unable to unmask comfortably in front of them.

Meanwhile around the folks we trust, they’ve proven time and time again that they can handle meeting others and are respectful to those that front, and treat them as a person rather than just an extension of me, the host.

Some tips I have for learning to unmask in front of others are as follows:

Make sure the person you are unmasking with is a safe person. Even if you feel like they’re safe to be around, someone internally might think differently. Figuring out what everyone’s feel of this person is important, because if someone is upset by them or nervous around them, you can talk to them about why this is a safe person and explain the reasoning for that distinction.

Inner communication is key. Deciding who is most comfortable unmasking first will be important. These are usually the social alters or the kid alters, but not always. Sometimes those folks that are really going through the wringer just want emotional support as themselves. If you make a decision on who will front in a certain situation, it can create less anxiety and tension in the moment. Having a plan helps a lot, truly! Also establishing rules amongst each other helps. For us, this includes “no kid alters out except at home with the wife and at therapy” and “take turns!” We added the second one because one time so many folks were so excited to see my sister that they all surged to front at the same time and we had a HORRIBLE rapid switching episode that was not a good time and honestly looked quite scary from an external perspective. Felt awful internally too. We now know that we have to take turns and that if someone wants to say something to the other person, whoever is fronting can relay that message.

Remember the difference between possession-type switching and non-possessive-type switching. (I think that’s the terms) Some switches might be more blended, or might be co-conscious rather than full-on hard switches to a completely different person. As a host who is usually co-con except in emergencies, it can be VERY weird to feel someone else take front when you are fully aware, and it sometimes feels like I’m acting or pretending to be this other person, when in fact I have no control over what’s happening. I feel like this is partially a defense mechanism my brain still has, still trying to deny the DID despite there being so much evidence it’s impossible to not have it at this point.

If it makes you feel better, sometimes communicating with the person you plan to unmask with and telling them you are planning to unmask can help too. Having them be aware there could be someone else can sometimes make it less awkward for someone to announce “Hey, this is ___.” Then once they start clocking the different mannerisms (if you have any) they can know you are a different person. Also set up boundaries! Let them know if you’re okay with them asking who is fronting. Let them know if you’re okay with them asking questions about whoever is in front. It can sometimes be nice to have a set of “icebreaker” type questions ready. Stuff like “What do you like to be called? What are your pronouns? Are you comfortable sharing your role in the system if you have one? Are you okay sharing how old you are? What do you look like? Favorite food? Favorite hobby? Etc etc etc!”

And most importantly, if you end up masking, don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s a safety mechanism. DID in most cases is not meant to be detected, and purposely unmasking goes against all of those protocols established as a child when abuse was occurring. It’s scary! And not easy. It was a super slow process for us, and only a few folks are fully okay with unmasking every time they front, and only with our most trusted folks in our close friend and family group.

That’s all I’ve really got. Exercise patience. It’s a scary world out there that’s not really set up for systems. Masking is just another safety precaution that can be hard to shake. Be patient and encouraging to whoever wants to unmask, and always communicate with each other. (Intersystem communication and communication with folks outside of the system.)

Hope that helps! Good luck!

-Jules