#just finished persuasion

[herondales]

"i am half agony, half hope.... i offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago" oh miss austen how you charm me with your simple men and their simple way of words

[hinamie]

- wip -

semirealism my beloved actually

[anteomnia]

i could write an essay on why wyll’s character is mistreated by the writers and developers of bg3, but i’d be afraid of putting more effort into his story than them.

[vigilskeep]

rory voice what kind of eight-year-old has never seen a dead body

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[manifestosimaginarios]

Anne Elliot is a relatable queen. Quiet and shy, everyone comes to her with their problems no one is ever interested in hers, few friends, no self-confidence, pining over a guy for over seven years, broke his heart and so much anxyety surrounding it.

Dont get me started on her anxiety.

[bethanydelleman]

Why You Should Read Persuasion

Short answer: to cast out the demon of Persuasion 2022

But no really, read this book...

A beautiful story about love reclaimed but with the BEST SIDE CHARACTERS EVER!

Admiral Croft, who while being an apparently competent admiral, his favourite hobby is riding around the countryside in his gig and frequently toppling it over so he and his wife are thrown out. He wants all women to be named Sophie because somehow that would be easier (???) He finds it funny when artists paint ships that don’t look seaworthy. And, who listens to and respects his wife…

The amazing, Mrs. Croft! We can only describe her as phenomenal, marvelous, and tough-as-nails. She’s travelled across the world, she advises her husband in money matters, and she attempts to keep herself in the carriage by taking the reins. She scolds her brother for not thinking women are capable of being as awesome as her. She is one half of the best marriage in Austen.

Captain and Mrs. Harville give the Crofts a run for their money! They are hospitable, kind, and industrious. When Louisa is injured, they do everything imaginable for her care, including packing off their own kids to the Musgroves for Christmas to keep the house quiet. They seem like wonderful parents but…

The Musgroves are also wonderful parents. They support their daughters choices even if the men are a little less wealthy than Mr. Musgrove would have wanted. They appreciate and love Anne. They try to include Mary even though Mary is THE WORST. Because they are genuinely good people who have warm, open hearts. And if you get tired of all that goodness and those stable, happy marriages...

Sir Walter Elliot is there for you to laugh at. He has six mirrors (at least) in his dressing room, he took the time to count 86 plain women in Bath, he forgets his daughters exist if he can’t see them (is he a goldfish?), and he thinks rubbing bleach on your face can really improve your looks!

All of this in a story that has deep themes about the value of people who have not been born into wealth or rank and the value of women who have cultivated minds and strength that men cannot imagine possible. What can I say? 

Persuasion is a triumph.

[pasdetrois]

If I may ask, how did you like Persuasion? It’s my favorite Austen (and book, period), I’m curious to hear your thoughts, if you want!

oh of course! and i didn't know it was your favorite—i'd love to hear about your favorite parts/aspects as well ❣️

i quite enjoyed it overall, and it kind of charmed me how the story almost resembled a fairytale in some parts. the death of the mother prefacing the narrative, the cold family + anne being something of an outsider, her parting from wentworth for nearly a decade, literal oceans between them, and the (unknowingly) tested constancy and faith in each others characters' (perhaps it's a reach, but i was reminded a bit of odysseus and penelope), the comfort of a happy ending for the most sympathetic characters, etc. but there was also this thread of melancholy woven through the novel tethering it back to their world (poor fanny indeed..). and while anne is in a far happier position at the end of the book, i found it interesting that in the closing passages austen chose to remind us that part of anne's happiness rests on a knife's edge as the wife to a naval captain in tumultuous times like those around the napoleonic wars.

one element i really enjoyed was austen's narration. i'd seen analysis pieces over the years talking about her skill with satire, but i'm finally able to appreciate what they meant now. i think it can be very easy to slip into the habit of over-caricaturing and exaggerating when writing of the unflattering aspects of people and society, but the narration had this thoughtful frankness to it and allowed the ridiculous and oftentimes even cruel aspects of their world to speak for themselves. i can absolutely see some 19th century landed gentryman saying something like this:

also i'm just very fond of anne and she deserves the world. austen understood the quiet ladies with rich inner lives and pithy observations of the world if only given the proper opportunity to share them ♡

[thethirdromana]

Jane Austen heroes, ranked in descending order of how capable they would be of surviving in the modern world

7. Edmund Bertram Edmund has a genuine vocation in his desire to become a clergyman. This is a job that still exists and has probably changed less than most other jobs that people had in the early 19th century. He's supposed to live off £700 a year, which is £47,000 adjusted for inflation. The average Church of England vicar today earns £30,000, but then the average modern vicar has a washing machine and dishwasher and not a maid-of-all-work. I think Edmund would cope just fine in 2024.

6. Henry Tilney Mr Tilney is another clergyman, so all the same arguments apply. He's a step below Edmund on this list, though, as Henry is definitely a livelier, more fun-loving soul than Edmund (read: more expensive tastes) and doesn't seem to have quite such a vocation. But still, Henry is capable of holding down a real job, and I'm sure he would find one in 2024 as well.

5. Colonel Brandon Brandon (no first name ever supplied!) came from a successful military career, inherited a heavily indebted estate, and managed to turn it around. Minus the inheritance part, this feels like a plausible career history for a modern-day management consultant.

4. Edward Ferrars Another clergyman, Mr Ferrars ends up with the job when he had been expecting an inheritance and a life of luxury. Even then, the role is handed to him, and I fear he might find it harder to exist in a world where jobs are something you have to apply for, and not just be given.

3. George Knightley Mr Knightley is a landowner and gentleman farmer, which is also a job that still exists. He has little spare money, which is the usual experience of farmers in 2024 as well. I suspect he's going to need to wake up a lot earlier and work a lot harder in 2024 than in 1815. Maybe he could diversify and open some holiday cottages?

2. Frederick Wentworth We do still have naval captains today, but I think that's changed a bit more than the role of vicar has since the Napoleonic Wars. Maybe Captain Wentworth could be ruggedly handsome at one of those tall ships holiday companies? But unfortunately that's less of a route to wealth and glory than capturing French prizes in the Caribbean.

1. Fitzwilliam Darcy Mr Darcy, get a job? I'm trying to imagine him doing a 9 to 5, having performance reviews and chatting about the Traitors by the watercooler but it's just not happening. But even if he still owns Pemberley in the modern era, Darcy's income of £10,000 - circa £700,000 adjusted for inflation - is not going to be sufficient to maintain the estate, let alone give him the kind of lifestyle that he's used to. Perhaps he could swallow his pride one step further, flog the estate to the National Trust, live in one wing and help give guided tours to visitors.

[iheartichokes]

“I am half agony, half hope.”

Jane Austen, “Persuasion”

[ehlnofay]

girl help while I'm travelling I'm reading books at a rate I haven't in years and it's eating up so much money

[eldergremlin]

lae'zel waking you up at 3 in the morning because she doesn't understand what falling in love feels like and is having concerns about it…

look, you're hot, but i don't care how good the sex was. i am fucking sleeping and you need to go. 💖🔪 if my eyes are closed, don't talk to me.

[lacomandante]

okokokok i raise you teresa reading sense & sensibility honestly!!! elinor pushing through grief and loss and hardship with no ability to take up a sword and change her circumstances, and the drama of marianne being taken advantage of for having the courage to love freely…. i think she’d wanna gut mr willoughby tbh!!

Teresa reading any of the JA novels tbh!! But YES S&S is a fantastic one! I think as an older sister too (at least, that's my headcanon- Vivar mentions her sister, Maria, and in the books it's Ramon, so I say Teresa is the eldest child/sister, and I say she has both siblings!) she can really relate to Elinor- she has to take care of her family first, to put her own emotions and heartbreak aside, especially in times of great change and tragedy. She has to be the strong one. Teresa would definitely see herself in Elinor, and though I don't talk about her a lot because there's nothing about Maria in canon and she's basically a blank slate, I think Maria being like Marianne is a great dichotomy between the two.

I always thought of Maria being the baby of the family, so she gets away with a little more than Teresa did- she's also the youngest daughter, and while Teresa probably has a little more pressure to marry well, Maria more than likely doesn't. Maria can be a romantic, to chase after who she wants, though I like to think she's a little more airheaded than Marianne, less bold, but just as excitable. That one scene in the 1995 P&P with Lizzie and Maria Lucas makes me think of their relationship- Teresa guiding and teasing the overly worried Maria. "Mariah, this is your trunk and these are your gowns. You may arrange them in any way you wish- Lady Catherine will never know!" Also that scene where Mariah tells Lizzie to hurry downstairs and does a little spin- that seems like a thing Maria would do! Excitable and fun and so young.

And YES she would want to gut Willoughby for being such a rake and a terrible person!! Especially for knocking up a 15 year old and leaving her to fend for herself!! For the heartache he put Marriane through as well. Teresa understands the economics very well and knows that love sometimes isn't enough to make a relationship work- money is just as important. But it doesn't stop her from breathing a sigh of relief when Marianne dodges a bullet when he leaves her. Sam and I like to think Sharpe gets P&P for her and they read it together, and when they go to Yorkshire and meet a George Wickham they look at each other like 😳😳😳 mr willoughby and wickham found dead more news at 11

[fivefancyarrows]

London: Morphing before our very eyes, undergoing attack by Starved Men and Londoner alike, abandoned by her Masters, scrambling for survival

My FL Dane: "The extra persuasiveness about the air should be enough for me to advance my Poet Laureateship!"

[lemongogo]

AYLIN AND ISOBEL?

[ibijau]

A song for the broken-hearted pt4 / on AO3

Even his worst enemies had to grant it to him, Jin Guangyao knew how to throw a party. Of course people used to say the same about Jin Guangshan or Wen Ruohan, and even sometimes about Jiang Fengmian (or rather, about his wife), but Jin Guangyao was a level above any of them. The food was always exquisite, with enough variety that all guests could find something to please their palate and accommodate their diet. The wine was of excellent quality, in sufficient quantity for everyone present to have their fill, but never so strong that people might easily get dangerously drunk and ruin everyone’s fun. Musicians were hired and other performers as well, but not the occasionally vulgar dancers that Jin Guangshan had so loved and who often ended up the night in bed with guests. Sometimes games were suggested, friendly competitions, but never the sort of large scale contests the Wens had been so fond of forcing upon them. 

This time, the party had been organised to celebrate Qin Su’s birthday. But of course that was little more than an excuse to reconcile with those sect leaders who still opposed the watchtower project, and everyone knew it. Nie Huaisang could only wonder how she must have felt upon seeing that her husband had invited some of his fiercest political enemies to her birthday celebration. 

Perhaps she was fine with it. She might even have suggested it, always so determined to help her husband and see him well liked by everyone. Truth be told, Nie Huaisang just didn’t understand that woman, though he liked her, and even admired her a little. She’d had the courage to do what he hadn’t. She’d fought fiercely for a marriage her entire family opposed, never giving up until she got to stand by the side of the man she loved.

Well, Nie Huaisang used to admire her.

These days, he pitied her, and wished she had been a little less determined, for her own sake and that of her son, who would have to live his life bearing the sins of his parents.

Anyway, it was a nice party. One which would surely have been perfect, if only Nie Huaisang hadn’t planned on getting very drunk soon, trusting himself to make a mess of things once he’d had enough wine (and enough of the much stronger kaoliang he'd smuggled in). His natural tendency toward being a very sad drunk had been annoying when he’d been young, but he’d learned to make the best of it as years passed and his sadness had found its use. It always made it difficult for others to have fun when he was bawling his eyes out nearby.

Before he could get drunk, though, Nie Huaisang absolutely wanted to see Jin Rusong and have a clear headed conversation with the boy, something he knew would be the highlight of his day. Dear little Rusong was his nephew, even now, even after everything, and he was the only person bearing the last name Jin whom Nie Huaisang didn’t utterly despise. More than that, he loved the little boy, who was sweet, curious, polite, and easily impressed by the wild stories Nie Huaisang told him. Jin Rusong might just be the last person in the world to genuinely like Nie Huaisang. 

It took some effort to find little Rusong. With so much happening, so many guests around, the child had managed to escape the care of his nurse (he often did lately; Nie Huaisang didn't much like this new nurse who was so careless, and hoped Jin Guangyao would soon fire her, as he'd done all the previous ones). And since he was such a clever little boy, perfectly aware that he wasn't supposed to wander on his own, little Rusong was doing a great job of staying out of sight. Thankfully Jin Ling (who had recently gotten his spiritual dog after months of tantrums, because Nie Huaisang had managed to plant the idea after all) told Nie Huaisang that he’d seen his cousin trotting away toward the kitchens, probably to see if someone might be tricked into feeding him something he wasn't allowed to have. Nie Huaisang had thanked Jin Ling as formally as he would have done an adult, knowing it was the best way to ensure the little boy would continue informing on others if asked, and resumed his quest for his darling nephew.

Just as Jin Ling had said, Nie Huaisang found Jin Rusong on one of the hidden paths to the kitchens that the servants used to move without making themselves seen by their masters. But to Nie Huaisang’s great inconvenience, the child wasn’t alone. Lan Xichen was there as well, kneeling on the ground, holding Jin Rusong in his arms. Annoyed to be in the presence of the other man, Nie Huaisang didn’t notice at first how pale Lan Xichen was, how his hands trembled as he checked for Jin Rusong’s pulse who laid too limp in his uncle’s lap. Nie Huaisang only thought of his own unhappiness until Lan Xichen noticed his presence and turned to him. Lan Xichen whose expression showed none of the usual displeasure at the sight of the man who had broken his heart, but instead only sheer terror.

“He’s not breathing,” Lan Xichen said in a wavering voice. “I don’t know why. He’d gone to the kitchens, I found him there and I was bringing him back, but he started feeling unwell and… He’s not breathing.”

Forgetting about their mutual dislike, Nie Huaisang rushed to Lan Xichen’s side. Now that he was paying attention, Jin Rusong was clearly unconscious, his lips turning a concerning shade of blue, his skin colder than it should have been.

“Did he choke on something?” Nie Huaisang asked, squeezing the little boy’s cheek to make him open his mouth.

“He told me someone gave him a candy,” Lan Xichen whispered, his voice wavering. “But he’d already finished it by the time I found him. Huaisang, you need to go get help. I’ll stay with him, so…”

“He’ll be dead before I can bring someone here,” Nie Huaisang retorted without thinking, too focused on Jin Rusong to really care that Lan Xichen flinched. “I’ll try something. Nothing to lose, I suppose.”

Without waiting for Lan Xichen’s answer, Nie Huaisang took a small flask from inside his sleeve, and quickly poured its content into Jin Rusong’s throat, before lifting the child’s chest to help him swallow it. Unsure if it would make things better or worse, he rubbed the little boy’s back, hoping it would help.

It had to help.

“What did you give him?” Lan Xichen asked.

“Antidote,” Nie Huaisang dryly replied. Then, realising what he’d said, and how odd it might be for him to have such a thing on him at a party, he tensed and looked up at a shocked Lan Xichen. “Ah, it’s because… I know I’m not very popular and… just in case, right? I thought, just in case… and, well, since SongSong is like this…”

“You thought someone might have poisoned a child?” Lan Xichen asked, just a hint of anger in his voice. 

Whether it was anger at Nie Huaisang for daring to consider something so cruel, or at whoever might have attacked their nephew, it was hard to say. Before Lan Xichen could clarify things one way or the other, Jin Rusong started gasping and coughing in his arms. As his body got more and more hair back in his lungs, the little boy broke into sobs, whimpering in pain. Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen both tried to soothe him, whispering how brave he was and how much they loved him, but he wouldn’t stop crying and when his voice returned, he only begged for his mother and father.

“I’ll go get them,” Nie Huaisang offered, getting on his feet. After a moment of hesitation, he bent down and placed the now empty flask of antidote in one of Lan Xichen’s hands. “Er-ge, for everyone’s convenience… would you mind telling others that you’re the one who gave it to him?”

Lan Xichen gave him a puzzled look. “If you had tried this and it didn’t work, I would understand why you’d want to hide it. But your quick thinking just saved Rusong’s life, Huaisang. You should be proud of yourself. A-Yao will be grateful to you. I am grateful to you.”

“But I don’t want others to know I’m scared of poison and have taken precautions against it,” Nie Huaisang muttered, which wasn’t even a lie. “If I have enemies, it would encourage them to find some other ways… and anyway it’d be upsetting for San-ge to owe anything to me. A debt to someone like me is a dishonour to whoever has contracted it. But if it’s you, debts like that are fine. You’re his friend, you’re Zewu-Jun, he won’t mind at all if he owes you his son’s life. So please, please…”

“Fine then,” Lan Xichen sighed, his usual frustration creeping in. “I’ll take credit for this if you insist, even if I don’t like it. Now… now go fetch A-Yao and Jin-furen.”

Although unsure he could really trust Lan Xichen to lie for his sake, Nie Huaisang had no choice but to run off and do as he was told. 

Naturally Jin Guangyao and Qin Su were horrified to find out that their son had become unwell, and demanded to be led to him immediately. Nie Huaisang obliged, and as they all hurried toward Lan Xichen he had to answer all their questions, explaining that he didn’t know how the little boy had become sick, nor even how unwell he was. He didn’t know anything at all, except that he’d stumbled upon Lan Xichen while wandering around, and Lan Xichen had ordered him to go get other people. He didn’t know anything else, he simply didn’t, but he could tell that Jin Rusong had looked quite bad, but for the rest he just didn’t know, he had no idea, they would need to ask Lan Xichen.

By the time they all reached Lan Xichen and Jin Ruson, the two of them looked better than when Nie Huaisang had left them. Jin Rusong was only crying a little, looking more shocked than in pain by then, while Lan Xichen had recovered enough to lie calmly as he explained that he’d given the little boy an antidote he carried with him for such emergencies. And while Qin Su fussed over her son, Nie Huaisang took the chance to observe the crowd that had followed them, trying to notice signs of guilt in anyone.

He thought he did see such traces in at least one person, and that soured his mood enough that he couldn’t even bear to stay near everyone for a moment longer. While they all tried to ask Lan Xichen and Jin Rusong for details, Nie Huaisang made his escape, returning to the banquet hall to inform everyone still there that Jin Rusong was well after all.

Before very long, the news of Jin Rusong being well was confirmed, though it was announced as well that the child’s sickness had been provoked. After interrogating both the little boy and the servants, the Jins had found that the person who had given Jin Rusong a candy had not been part of the household, though he had been wearing the robes of a disciple. Jin Rusong had nearly died of an attempted poisoning, and Jin Guangyao swore he would find whoever had targeted his innocent son in retaliation for his political choices. He would make sure they paid for it, he swore, and though no one mentioned them by name, those sect leaders who had most opposed Jin Guangyao’s watchtower project remained uneasy for the rest of the day.

Nie Huaisang couldn’t blame them. He would have bet his entire fan collection that the assassin would end up linked to one of them, who would promptly die for his supposed crime, serving as a warning for others. Since Jin Rusong had survived, the rest of that unfortunate sect might not be slaughtered alongside their leader… unless Jin Rusong turned out to have been more affected by the poison than initially believed and still died in the coming days, or if another murderer tried his chance and proved luckier. It wouldn’t have surprised Nie Huaisang. Not now that he knew Jin Guangyao had no qualm sacrificing his own son. Having resolved to kill the child once, he probably would find it easy to make that decision again as circumstances required.

With those gloomy thoughts for only company, Nie Huaisang lingered in the hall where the party ought to have been held. Most of the other guests had already left, knowing it would be in poor taste to still expect entertainment for some, fearing their prolonged presence might be taken as a sign of guilt for others. Nie Huaisang himself ought to have said his goodbye and headed home, but he couldn’t find the strength for it. A terrible fear had been haunting him since the incident earlier that day, a nervous certainty that he would never see Jin Rusong alive again, and in reaction he refused to let that day end, as if that might prolong his nephew’s life somehow.

He was sitting alone, blind to the ballet of servants cleaning up around him, holding a cup of wine he couldn’t bring himself to drink, when Lan Xichen found him and sat down with him. After years of Lan Xichen only seeking him out to scold him, Nie Huaisang instinctively braced himself for another unpleasant interaction, the only way to end an excruciating day. But Lan Xichen, for once, didn’t chastise him.

“Rusong is better now,” he said instead. “The Jin doctors have inspected him and they say he might be a little tired for a few weeks, but other than that they don’t expect any sequels.”

“That’s a relief,” Nie Huaisang whispered, though he felt little relieved himself, knowing that his nephew’s greatest enemy could make another attempt on him any time he pleased. Children were fragile, and with already one murder attempt…

“Jin furen and him will probably go stay with Qin zongzhu for a while,” Lan Xichen said. “Qin zongzhy insisted. Laoling’s air will be better for his recovery, and since the Qin sect is smaller, it will be harder for assassins to infiltrate it.”

“Oh, good,” Nie Huaisang mumbled, half slumping over the table.

Now he could feel true relief. Qin Cangye had little love for his son-in-law and was unlikely to help him murder the only son of his beloved daughter. There could be no safer place for Jin Rusong than Laoling, short of Nie Huaisang kidnapping him and hiding him in Qinghe… something more tempting than it should have been.

“You saved his life,” Lan Xichen said after a moment of silence.

“Pure luck,” Nie Huaisang replied, starting to eye his cup of wine again. Maybe he could actually drink it, now that he didn’t have to fear he’d do something stupid to protect Jin Rusong.

Another long silence followed. Nie Huaisang tore his eyes from the wine, and found Lan Xichen staring at him. His expression was not a happy one, but for once it wasn’t angry either.

“I don’t think it was simply luck,” Lan Xichen insisted after a while. “You understood the situation quicker than I did, you realised it might have been poison, and then you had the wits to act in response to that. You saved him, and yet you won’t even take credit for it.”

“It really was only luck. You… you didn’t tell anyone that I helped, right?” Nie Huaisang urgently whispered. “You said you wouldn’t…”

“I did as you asked,” Lan Xichen replied with a faint grimace. “But I did not like it. People’s opinion of you would have changed if they’d known about this. Your reputation would have been improved…”

“Assuming anyone believed it. Everyone knows I’m an incompetent idiot, Er-ge. Even you know it. I’m a good-for-nothing, ridiculous, stupid head-shaker, and if you hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t have believed I helped either.”

Lan Xichen frowned, getting a little closer to his usual expression of disapproval. Nie Huaisang found that almost comforting, in a twisted way. If even Lan Xichen could be brought to doubt that moment of cleverness and competency…

“You are not stupid,” Lan Xichen said. “You have never been stupid. Even Shufu has never found fault in your intelligence.”

“Then I’m clever, but lacking in willpower and work ethic,” Nie Huaisang retorted. “It might be worse, really.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“But it’s what you’re thinking. It’s what everyone’s thinking. I’m the worst leader Qinghe Nie has ever had, and it’s not even because I’m too stupid to do better, it’s because I can’t be bothered.”

Lan Xichen’s expression darkened, just as Nie Huaisang hoped. It was not something pleasant, but if he could turn this conversation on Jin Rusong’s survival into another argument about his skill as sect leader, Lan Xichen would forget that glimpse of his real skill, and he’d be safe again.

But Lan Xichen didn’t take the bait and if anything, his face soon turned sad rather than angry.

“Even after all these years, you’re still upset about becoming sect leader?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m upset,” Nie Huaisang replied, running one finger along the edge of his cup of wine, still desperately wishing he could drink it. “But I know everyone else is. It’s not very pleasant. But then again, you’d know better than most that everything I do always ends up upsetting people anyway.”

Again Lan Xichen wouldn’t get angry at this hint toward their shared past.

“You did not want to become sect leader,” he recalled. “Even while Da-ge still lived, even when he was still healthy, you were always impatient for him to get married and have children. Knowing that I still insisted on you rising to power after his death, even when I knew how unpleasant it would be… for this, I’m sorry.”

Nie Huaisang looked up from his wine, unsure what to make of that apology. In the last few years, ever since the breaking of their engagement, he’d been the one making a thousand apologies every time Lan Xichen had to deal with him. To hear the words mirrored felt wrong somehow.

"It's not just you,” Nie Huaisang said with a weak laugh. “San-ge too was pushing me, even more than you…" 

Lan Xichen nodded slowly. "A-Yao called me to convince you because he knew you'd listen to me, out of guilt if nothing else. I knew it too, just as I knew how painful it would be for you to take your brother’s place. And still I helped him, while knowing better than he did how much it might hurt you. So if you were pushed to this, I carry the blame more than him."

A sharp pain stabbed through Nie Huaisang’s heart at that confession. In all the time that had passed, it had never occurred to him that Jin Guangyao might have willingly used his lingering feelings for Lan Xichen against him, when he’d always berated him for having such feelings in the first place. But at least it was in character for Jin Guangyao to have done such a thing. For Lan Xichen to have played along, knowing that Nie Huaisang couldn’t resist him even if he hadn’t known the true reason why…

“I am not proud of myself for that,” Lan Xichen said, guessing his thoughts. “I had many reasons to act that way, none of which I could admit to without shame. No matter how bad things have become between us, I should not have treated you that way.”

Nie Huaisang shrugged, unsure what to say. He wished Lan Xichen hadn’t told him that, that he didn’t have to live with the knowledge he’d hurt Lan Xichen so deeply that the other man had sought revenge in his own manner.

"With this said, you have not done a bad job of things," Lan Xichen added with a warmth that hadn't been directed at Nie Huaisang in years. "You struggle, and you cry, and you pester A-Yao for help, but you've never given up, have you? I know I've been hard on you most of the time, but I'm impressed that you are still trying your best, even when it is so painful for you." 

"I'm just doing it for da-ge," Nie Huaisang mumbled, the threat of tears prickling his eyes. “It’s what he wanted. It’s the only reason I’m doing it.”

“I know. I think he would be proud of you too, for trying so hard. All he’s ever wanted was for you to do your best. And… I hope you do not hate me too much for forcing you to do it.”

“Er-ge, considering how much you hate me, why would you care how I feel about you?”

That statement appeared to startle Lan Xichen. He did not reply immediately, as if needing to think about it, but the longer he remained silent, the sadder he looked.

“I’ve been very angry at you, for a very long time,” he said at last. “Angrier than I thought I was capable of. And I’ve felt hurt, and disappointed, yes. Sad to have lost a dear friend, as well. But I don’t think I’ve ever hated you, no.”

“I don’t hate you either,” Nie Huaisang blurted, surprised to find that he meant it. His feelings mirrored Lan Xichen, if anything. He was angry and disappointed that Lan Xichen had chosen to side so much with Jin Guangyao, desperately sad that he’d lost one of his few friends, and he was hurt at how easily Lan Xichen had believed that Nie Huaisang didn’t love him anymore back then, when for the years that had followed Nie Huaisang had felt as though his suddenly one-sided affection would choke him more efficiently than any poison.

Maybe it still did. It wasn’t something he wanted to think too much about, and usually it was easy enough to ignore it because Lan Xichen couldn’t be around him without showing his dislike. But now that Lan Xichen was speaking to him with the same gentleness he used to have, now that Lan Xichen looked worried to have his good opinion, Nie Huaisang felt the barriers he’d carefully built around his heart start to crumble.

It’d be a terrible mistake to still be in love with Lan Xichen. But if he received the slightest bit of encouragement, Nie Huaisang knew his weak heart would betray him without hesitation.

“Do you think we could be friends again, then?” Nie Huaisang heard himself ask.

Lan Xichen’s eyebrows rose at the question, as if he hadn’t expected it, but surprise soon melted into a warm smile too similar to those he used to have, back when Nie Huaisang still believed in happiness.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Lan Xichen said. “If that’s something you want as well.”

Before Lan Xichen was done speaking, Nie Huaisang was already nodding, his heart thumping in his chest.

“Then write to me sometimes,” Lan Xichen said, smiling so gently that if Nie Huaisang had been cured of his old love, he’d have fallen for him all over again. “I used to like getting letters from you. And perhaps in time, I could come visit you in Qinghe. I haven’t been there in so long, I think I would like to see the Unclean Realm again.”

Nie Huaisang eagerly promised that he would write, and they tried to chat a little after that about what season was best to visit the Unclean Realm. Before long though, people came looking for Lan Xichen and he had to leave, though not before reminding Nie Huaisang to write.

Alone again, Nie Huaisang finally drank his cup of wine. He should have left too, his disciples were waiting for him somewhere, and the Jins must have been impatient to be rid of all their guests so they could move on from this eventful day. Nie Huaisang wanted to leave. And yet the shock of this unexpected offer of reconciliation had him frozen in place, especially now that Lan Xichen wasn’t around anymore to muddle his thoughts. It could only bring trouble if they were to become friends again. Any renewed closeness between them would surely attract Jin Guangyao’s attention, putting Nie Huaisang at heightened risk of discovery, making it harder to give his brother the revenge he deserved. It would be stupid of Nie Huaisang to let his feelings get in the way of his duty.

But he’d never been very clever anyway, had he?