#just figured out my schedule for this semester and i want to kill lol

[quirkypossum]

brrrrrother they make college so confusing, and for what? so i can bumble into class all paranoid bout my courseload and have at least one teacher be like "just do the work and you'll get an A" while the others require you to give up an organ and your sanity to just barely pass with a C...

[simulation-machine]

SIMS RELATED PROJECTS/UPDATES

My spring break is coming up in a week and holy crap do I have plans on plans on plans, especially since my summer is gonna be full of school + internship + HOPEFULLY friggin' graduating with a BA in Psychology so that I can start applying to grad schools.

Read more iffin' you'd like! It's long! Here's a picture of my golden retriever napping on her brother's food bowl to entice/entertain you:

god she is so precious i would literally kill for her

GOAL 1: MASTER GSHADE/ReSHADE

I know that some people are sticklers for this but my thing is that I had no gee-dee clue what I was doing with ReShade, whereas Gshade just kinda clicked and worked for me? That said I have a bunch of resources for learning ReShade so I might end up moving back to it at some point.

My main issue is figuring out the order of all the different effects. It obviously matters, I'm sure people smarter than me have tried to use presets only to be like "why tf does this look absolutely nothing like the baller screenshots this one cool Simblr has?" Annnd it turns out it's order + remembering to turn off certain graphic settings. Also photoshop, but that's gonna take a lot longer for me to figure out lol.

Like I'd been struggling to figure out why @gunthermunch's gorgeous Lithium preset wasn't looking as sexy as it did before annnnd it's because I forgot to turn Edge Smoothing off when switching to it. Jesus wept at how dippy I am sometimes.

Eventually, what I would like to do is maybe make my own preset at some point? I would be kind enough to show the effect order too if I did so. But this requires so, so much more shader knowledge than I currently have.

FUN FACT: My first ever degree was in art, I even went to a very fancy and private art school (School of the Art Institute of Chicago if you're curious)- I dropped out after one semester because uhhh that shit is expensive. Ended up finishing my degree at a much cheaper location in MN. That said, my art was 100% analog and 2D, and it turns out it did not translate super well into trying my hand at graphic art.

It's funny because I've been gifted really neat stuff for graphic art (like a really nice Wacom tablet and Adobe subscriptions), like people just expected my mixed-media ass would know what to do with it. NOPE! But yeah, Sims is sort of my excuse to try my hand at this stuff again, especially since I have a bit more energy now that my soul is not regularly being drained out of my body by customer service and tech support jobs.

GOAL 2: GET CRACKIN' ON ANOTHER DOOR

This one is hard because I am only on Gen 2 of the Orsons and it's sort of hard to justify starting up another story while that one is less than 1/5 of the way done.

THAT SAID, I don't plan on posting Another Door until I have a decent chunk of it done. Since it's not a casual gameplay story nor a legacy challenge, I plan on editing the bajeez out of the screenshots for it, really honing in on the aesthetic. I want it to look and feel very different from my random legacy challenge.

Fortunately, this story has been fucking up my sleep schedule for *months* now and I have a lot of the writing for it done. The hard part is translating that into the Sims, making sure I get the right poses and stuff, maybe even learning how to make some super easy CC (like, posters and stuff), and stuff related to GOAL 1 above.

What I'm saying is that it's going to take a bit. But I'm super serious about sharing it because it's my obsession and honestly the first time a story of my own design has possessed me in literal years.

Also, I want to make sure I have a significant backlog of the Orsons before I start seriously simming for it, because I don't want to screw over my favorite little pixel babies. This legacy challenge is going to be the one, I have done so much to keep my save files to keep it safe from harm (ask me how many backups I have of the save files. JK don't, the number is frankly silly).

GOAL 3: START YET ANOTHER MASSIVE CC PURGE

Y'all, my CC folder for this game is honestly an embarrassment. I go so hard on CC shopping because this community is stupid-talented and I like giving my pixel babies nice things and cool looks. When I'm bored and not quite in the mood for gameplay, I just like making neat-looking sims that I do absolutely nothing with because I love fucking around in CAS.

I have built my own PCs since I was 17 years old, and when I first built COMPUTERMACHINE (current rig) back in the autumn of 2018, it was with the goal that it would run Sims 4 flawlessly no matter what I did to it. It's got ridiculous amounts of RAM, I religiously update parts for it. And to be fair, even with the current 6,907,907,890 TB of CC I have atm it runs better than Sims 3 ever had with a measly 50 GB of CC.

But for me, it comes down to finding all the stuff I wanna use. Making myself get rid of the stuff I don't wanna use. Straight up yeeting the CC that I thought was going to look incredible that uh, didn't deliver.

I do CAS CC purges about once a year but have literally never done it for Build & Buy stuff, because OMG some of this shit I've had since 2014. Like when Sims 4 first came out. YIKES. My CAS CC obsession is notable but it's honestly nothing compared to my Build & Buy. Even before For Rent made building lots slow af, my PC was starting to take a solid minute to switch to different buy categories.

It would take a long af time so I want to make sure I have a bunch of content in the queue before I do it. It's gonna be a whole ass thing and be so, so boring to do. So I'm putting it off for when I have a ton of time to do it. Like, oh, my entire Spring Break?

GOAL 4: MAKE A FRIGGIN' RESOURCES LIST ALREADY

This would obviously need to wait until after GOAL 3 is completed, but I wanna make sure the awesome creators whose stuff I use get credit, and that people know where they can grab neat stuff. It would include not only CC but mods, Gshade/ReShade presets, and maybe even lots and sims I've downloaded from the gallery?

(Since I am super anti-paywall and very unapologetic and rude about it, I will also share where one could perhaps get some of these CCs without paying some dip a Trenta Starbucks Unicorn Frappucino amount of $$$)

It's ambitious as hell because *gestures vaguely at GOAL 3* but it would make things like doing WCIF asks and lookbooks so much easier.

Somewhat relatedly, I wanna make a navigation post, especially once Another Door starts getting posted. That story is gonna be a bit huge with multiple arcs that take place over the course of like, 14 years. Plus once the Orsons get to the 4th+ generation, it would be easier to track things down.

IN CONCLUSION...

I have been having so much fun sharing my silly little Sim adventures on Tumblr, so much more than I ever thought I would! You all have been so great to me, and all of this stuff is sort of a way for me to repay that. Ever since I stopped being able to be artistically creative ever since a really nasty depressive spell in 2017, Sims has been my #1 artistic outlet. And having people who are even somewhat entertained by my pixels is incredibly motivating.

Basically, if you read all of this, DAMN would you have been a rad livejournal follower of mine circa 2007. On the seriousness, however, thank you all so much for being rad and encouraging and sweet. I promise to do you all, if not proud, then at the very least not disappointed.

Time to hit the bong and take some pictures of Lou and Tatertot before taking my IRL doggos on a walk~

[killiansorrel]

continuing off of my last post about the crappy social services college professor lol

the college i went to had a booklet of activities throughout the year that you can participate in either for fun/socializing or for points as extra credit in whatever class you needed them for. these activities included going to cultural events, lectures, snowshoeing/hiking, etc. if i remember correctly, only certain classes partook in this. at the beginning of the semester, my professor let us know that her class was part of those that accepted points, which i kept in mind and let my mom know (because at the time, I didn't have a driver's license). so we made note of the ones i could partake in without stressing me tf out and would work with both our schedules

throughout the semester, the assignments she would give us made me realize that because of my age, i actually might fail the class. i was supposed to go sit in at meetings for aa, dv, etc and that required signing a form. which, if you didn't know, you have to be 18 to do (at least in alaska, idk about anywhere else). i did my best on all the assignments and tests but i was definitely not doing the best. i was sitting at a high D to mid C, most of the time, no matter how hard i tried. and the last assignment was going to be a doozy because it required me to (surprise) sit in at a meeting with a local organization and sign a form to say I won't tell any sensitive details. which i somehow was able to do anyways because the ladies i met up with were very sweet and trusting and let me sit in anyways, and i will forever be grateful for that. but just in case, i went to a cultural event and a snowshoeing activity for extra credit. and when i presented it to my professor? she said she did not accept campus activity points for extra credit. what. the. fuck.

so of course i panicked and told my mom and she was piiiiissed but ultimately decided to let me figure out what i wanted to do because i was becoming an adult. i came to the conclusion to drop the class because my teacher was horrible and i was too young to do what i needed to do for the class. so i emailed the schoolboard or whatever and begged them to let me drop it. of course i still tried my hardest in class just in case they didn't give me the choice to drop it. and i actually did quite well from that point on, i had a high C to low B going on for a while and was considering pushing through anyways. it wasn't the last assignment and I can't remember what it was on but i was in the room ready to turn it in and i got the email saying i could drop the class, i just had to send confirmation. i left the classroom, called my mom, and we agreed i should push through since there was only like 2-3 weeks left. i came in before class started and went to my professor, energetic and proud of myself for choosing to push on

"hey so i know i was going to drop this class but I've decided to push through and do my best! i left the classroom but there's still 5 minutes left and i have the essay that due today finished. can i still turn it in?"

"no"

are you fucking kidding me. why not??? it's not like i was even late to turning it in!! so i got a zero on it and had sent confirmation that i did NOT want to drop the class, so my grade dropped. a lot. of course i was distraught and stressed the whole class. i told my mom about it after and she was so furious and she regrets not giving my professor a piece of her mind to this day. quite frankly i should have broken my teacher's kneecaps

but it's fine, whatever, I'll just kill it on this next assignment- oh shit right, i need to sit in a meeting, fuuuuuuck. but it turned out okay cause they let me in despite my age and i got the essay done and it was actually okay enough to get a mid C. good enough to pass, especially since she announced to the class like a week before it was due that campus activity points ARE accepted for extra credit points so i slammed my proof down and demanded they be applied to my grade. and they did. and after my essay was input, my final grade for the semester was about a 72% if i recall correctly, it was a low C. good enough for me, i wash my hadns of this experience- oH WAIT HERE'S SOME MORE BULLSHIT

right before the final grade for the semester got submitted, she CHANGED my essay score from a mid C to JUST LOW ENOUGH to get my final grade at a 69.7%. JUST BELOW A C. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. i still technically passed. but i KNOW she did that shit on purpose and she is forever in my deathnote for it

plus she got up in my face aggressively one time and I don't remember the details of that too well because i was holding myself back from uppercutting tf outta her. i already have a personal bubble but when you get aggressive? immediate reaction is to fight, my ADHD anger does not play. but uh yeah. fuck college and especially fuck that bitch fr

[joanofexys]

Do you have any highschool advice? Cus you graduated (sorry for anon.. I’ll be damned if I reveal my age on this app lmao)

that’s so real lol, anons are always welcome

don’t skip out on the high school events. i seriously rolled my eyes at everyone who told me that but im so glad i went to senior sunrise and sunset and went to homecoming and prom and my senior ball (idc about the more coupley dances cause i went stag every year). if you don’t have a group to go with don’t be scared to ask a friend if they’re going/if they want to go together/if you can join them

don’t stack your schedule with hard classes. my senior year i was gunning for a scholarship and took a bunch of AP classes, the workload was a lot and i burnt out hard, and i had to drop a ton and lost the scholarship. if you’re taking AP classes get a study hall period. it’s a lifesaver. and you deserve easy classes/silly classes/classes you love amongst the challenging stuff. i took a creative writing class every year and i ended up not only loving it but it was an easy class and i ended up with a teacher i knew i could rely on

don’t save those required classes you’ve been dreading and putting off until the very last year or semester. you’ll just wind up with a schedule that makes you miserable. i took all my PE classes my sophomore year and it made my junior year and senior year so much better not having to think about it

bring water with you fr. like that’s so silly but i drank so much more water when my water bottle was with me and the days i forgot it were miserable. also drinking fountains just suck

don’t be scared to talk to your desk neighbors. it’s kind of weird especially if they’re people you don’t really know but eventually you’re gonna have a group project or group discussion and it’s a lot better if you already know their name and how to talk to them

idk how long your passing periods are but mine were short so don’t stress about your locker or keeping stuff in it. getting a good backpack and figure out what you can carry easily without killing your arms and back. cause i learned very quickly i had zero time to get to my locker between classes

i truly just stumbled through high school so my advice is bs i’m sure but don’t force yourself to adhere to a rigid schedule or what everyone else thinks is a good schedule. studying for five minutes or getting the homework done last minute is better than not studying or doing the homework at all. also turn in your late work!!! it’s annoying as fuck ik and sometimes a little embarrassing but if the deadline for late work isn’t up just get whatever you can in. you’d be surprised at what it can do for you (especially in an AP or honors course)

uhhhhh idk i’m kind of just spitballing here but if there’s every stuff you need to talk about or ask about im always hanging out here

[izzy-b-hands]

I'm gonna ask a weird question but:

Is there anything you guys (aka y'all following me lol) want to see more of from me, in terms of a potential item(s)/service(s) to purchase?

Better explanation of what the fuck I'm waxing on abt below the cut. TW for talk of money/work/the overall state of things economically for me and my plans/goals/potential options to keep making things better.

I need to bring in more money. I'm getting more stable, trying to save on top of the generous donations I've been given while using them as needed for things we absolutely need (food, basic supplies/necessities.) But we're still so tight, and I know nearly everyone is dealing with some form of this right now bc Everything Sucks Economically on like. a level of how it felt in 2008 (extra terrifying feeling now) but. It's killing me. I can't take feeling like a burden like this. I have to do more.

I have been applying elsewhere, for FT, PT, and contract jobs that pay better, though I am hoping more for the FT positions of course. Thus far, I have not had any bites back that amounted to anything, but intend to continue my efforts regardless (because what else can I do there anyway?)

I've been trying to figure out other options, w/things I know I can do somewhat well to very well. All would be cheap, but hopefully would add up over time until I can get a FT job again and while I grind away at the current PT job (which I am hoping to add more hours to for the next semester, when they have us make our scheduling choices again and allow us to potentially add at least one more shift to our schedule.)

So, a poll. To gauge interest, and see if y'all have any opinions/would even potentially purchase anything like the below things from me. I'll try and detail each option below, but first, the options:

1. Photo Prints: I've done photography since high school, though I only have my current Pixel phone available for it right now. That said, they would be as cheap as I can get away with, and my Pixel actually doesn't do too badly, plus I would be editing these to make them as good looking as possible. Ideally, I'd have a Pay What You Want option instead, so ppl can just give whatever they think the print is worth since these will be smaller, amateur prints, but I'm not sure if all the platforms that usually handle photo print sales for smaller creators allow that. So, in that case, a range of probably $1-$5 at most for each print. They would be of things out here; I have access to and experience already with taking city and nature themed pictures (it was literally all I did in hs and since then bc of where I've lived.) So general city life/scenery, plus local wildlife like the birds, squirrels, and nature surrounding us in all seasons, plus any extra pictures I can take elsewhere whenever Housemate and I are out and about (aka probably lots of mountain and ocean shots.) My speciality when I had my other camera was micro/detailed photography, and I'd like to explore this with my current setup and see how they turn out and potentially offer those as well.

If it would help to see some current pictures that I am considering as the first set I would put up for sale, please reply on this post letting me know and I can post a couple as examples 🙌

2. Poetry Commissions: I have done these on and off since middle school, usually for friends/family. Nothing wild, but usually shorter, some rhyming, some free verse, poems on varying topics. I've done them for birthdays, holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day, as well as with obits or for weddings, and even a baby shower, to go on the invites. I haven't posted much of what I've written in recent years, but as with the pictures, I would be happy to post some of the ones I've written before as examples. Poetry is where I have no fear and will work myself to the bone to provide the best work possible; if you can get me just the bare basic details (ex. You want a poem for your brother's bday. Give me his name, a couple of hobbies/likes of his, and two of your favourite memories with him and I'll write you something beautiful, to celebrate him and his place in your life and take the piss out of him too, depending on your relationship with your brother lol), I can get you a poem in a 2-4 day turnaround time for as low as 5¢/word. Electronic only, but you would get a PDF of the poem that you can do whatever you want with afterwards (I would require my name remain credited on any other posting/usage elsewhere, but you wouldn't have to pay me again if you want to reuse it for another brother, to harken back to our example.)

3. Data Entry/Transcription Assistance: This one is a pretty wide range of what I can offer. I have experience working with medical documents (neurology, ophthalmology, and optometry for specific specialities both in data entry and transcription) via two of my last jobs, technical documents from two prior jobs (public library and medical staff training specifically), and historical documents including both handwritten (including print and cursive) and typed documents and charts via my volunteer work with Zooniverse. This is my bread and butter in terms of general job skills, and one I genuinely enjoy. That means that I come into each job, regardless of field or exact task, with excitement and an open mind, ready to prioritise and organise everything to the requested system and/or standard, with the goal to go above and beyond that however possible. Usually I achieve this by completing projects as ahead of deadline as possible, as well as by taking on any additional related tasks as needed (example: you hired me on to type up all of Grandma's lifelong journal entries for archiving and easy reading at an upcoming family reunion, but now you've found that Grandpa has one too. For minimal to no additional cost, I will happily take that on and endeavour to have both sets of data typed up in an easy to send/print word doc and/or PDF well before the reunion deadline.) I am more than willing to take on contract/NDA required work for this option as well, and have done so in the past with a prior job (aka why I'm not allowed to share any of the clinic training docs I made.) Cost might depend some on project size and deadline, but a general estimate would be, to stick with our above example: $5 per 250/pg journal, with a small additional charge of $5 if a rush is requested (aka say the reunion gets moved up to three days from now vs three months or weeks.) I would endeavour to charge no higher than $25 with $5 rush fee if rush requested for bigger projects.

4. Research Assistance: More or less what it says on the tin. Can be for work, home related things, whatever (though if requested for school/in regards to homework, I only go as far as providing resource links because unfortunately, usually doing the research yourself is a part of the learning process. However, if you're struggling to find primary or secondary sources, I am happy to help find those for you so that you can peruse them to see if they'll have the information you're looking for. If they do, great! If they don't, then I would keep looking for more.) While research hasn't been my main task at any of my prior jobs, it has always been a feature in much of the day to day work regardless, and is a skill I have kept up in my volunteer work with Zooniverse on projects which requested it. Looking for sources for anything, from work projects to recipes can be a slog. Let me do it for you. Pricing on this I'm putting at $5. That's it. Pay me $5, and I'll find as much as I can in regards to whatever you have that needs researching. Turnaround might depend on project, but I'm leaning 1-4 days at the very most.

So. There we are! Vote on the poll if you'd like, reply with any opinions/feelings/ideas you have for me about these, and thank you if you read this whole thing ❤️🫂

[gusustudies]

Hi guys! Since a lot of people will be heading back soon, and the start of the semester is right around the corner, I figured I’d compile a list of things that I learned my freshman year to hopefully make the transition a little less rocky for you! These are all things that I definitely wish I’d known before my first year, and that I’ll keep in mind going into this year.

Packing/Dorm Stuff

- If you’re in contact with your roommate, decide who’s bringing what of the “big stuff” (fridge, microwave, vacuum, etc) (if you’re able to, having a full-size vacuum is a GODSEND)

-Depending on how often you’ll be coming back home, pack LIGHTLY - especially with food stuff like paper plates/napkins/snacks -wait until you have a good idea of what your dining situation is like and what you can stuff in your bag from the dining hall (our cafeteria was buffet style and had stands with chips so I grabbed one or two bags every time I went

-You will not need nearly as much stuff as you think. Your room is probably already pretty small unless you're lucky and got a suite/apartment-style dorm setup. I promise you do NOT need to bring ten pillows for your bed. 90% of the time they will end up on the floor. I promise.

- Definitely loft or at least raise your bed if you can, you can fit SO MUCH stuff under there it’s insane

- You will probably have like, zero shelf space, so once you have a good idea of your room and what you’re bringing, one of those little box shelf cube things from IKEA or Target are great to put under our bed or somewhere else in the room

- Bring tons of the command strips/hooks

- You will probably change your room layout multiple times with your roommate before you get it right lol

-POWER STRIPS AND EXTENSION CORDS are a MUST. Keep in mind though, that you can’t plug your fridge into one or you’ll blow a fuse and everyone on your floor will be out to kill you

- If you have a private shower, bleach the hell out of it before you go in there with bare feet, if not, shower shoes!!!

School/Student Life

-Print out your syllabus before the first day of classes, some professors expect you to have them - they’re usually either on your student site (like Canvas or Schoology)

- Get to class ten min early, especially the first day, so you get a good spot

- Sit in the first or second row if you can if it’s a classroom, and within the first four if it’s a lecture hall

- If you have a chunk of time where you have nothing to do, deadass just wander around. Literally no one cares, you’re paying to go there, you’re allowed to be on campus. (Yes this was something I had to get over lol.)

-You will get out of your first class and have a moment of “Omg what the hell do I do now?” Find a cafe. Go to the library. Go get lunch or coffee or a snack somewhere. Do NOT GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. It’s going to be very very very tempting but also boring in the long run.

- The first week there’s usually a lot of activities to welcome the new freshmen, food trucks, yard games, guest entertainers, (we had a magician the first week) bingo, etc. Go to some of these! You never know who you might meet and there’s free food a lot of the time 👀

- Join clubs! Our campus has a student organization fair the first week where all of our clubs have their own booth and stuff, idk if you’ll have something like that but 🤷🏻‍♀️ I literally joined Model UN because I wanted the pretty sticky pad set and it ended up being amazing - join a bunch of clubs that interest you - if you end up not liking them there’s usually no obligation to stay on

- Once a week or so has passed, you’ll start to find a natural schedule that works for you. For me, that meant after getting out of my 10am I went for a quick brunch/light lunch at the cafeteria or local cafe, and studied/hung out there until my next class, and then went to any clubs I had that evening. Try and stick to that schedule once you find it, familiarity/routines are so comforting sometimes, especially for me

- You might not make friends right away. That’s fine. My friend group didn’t click until late March. I had people I was friends with, yes, I talked to them in class but it took a hot second to find the people that I knew I would be friends with for a long while yet.

- Stay on top of your grades! Each professor might have a slightly different method of grading; my English professor only gave grades on our papers BUT he was also grading us on participation and stuff, but it wouldn’t be posted on our student site - so you were kind of left guessing sometimes. Some professors put everything on the student site, and some only put a few things on. If this happens you can usually send them an email requesting your current grade in the class

- Stating the obvious here but if you’re invited to a party, or just hanging out with friends there is NEVER any obligation to drink, and if there is, you’re hanging with the wrong people. But if you do decide to, make sure it’s with people you trust and that it’s not too far from your residence hall/have someone walk back with you

-For the love of god do NOT BUY YOUR TEXTBOOKS IN ADVANCE, I cannot emphasize the amount of times when I bought a $100 textbook, got to class, and the professor a) offered a cheaper option or b) sent a PDF link for the book

-Rent at all possible times, unless the textbook is for your major

[cudan2]

We’re Only Human

Spring Break Shadowing Part 4

Carlisle Cullen x Reader

Word Count: 2,040

Summary: It’s the last day of shadowing with Dr. Cullen, but you’ve come to realize a little more about how you feel towards him. Cue crushes and a little bit of chaos along the way.

A/N: I finished the semester and can actually dedicate time to writing this again because instead of being on spring break, I’m now on winter break. I also chopped this part in half because it was probably going to be over 6,000 words otherwise and that’s just a lot compared to the previous ones. Bear with me, guys. Another note - I’m thinking about posting this on Ao3 but will rewrite it because I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote this in present tense lol. 

Anyways, this is #8 on my headcanon list.

Masterlist

XXX

You don’t know how it happened, but time is on your side and you’re running early this morning. The sun has just risen and casts a warm glow across the hospital as you make you way to the Starbucks, determined to be the one to buy Doctor Cullen his drink for once.

Meeting him here every morning has become a tradition, a tradition that involves him getting you breakfast every day you’ve shadowed him this week. The two of you would chat about various topics while walking to where ever he had to be next. Sometimes you would prod his brain with more medical-related questions, occasionally he would tell stories from his past, but regardless, his every word had you captivated.

Alright, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to finally admit that you may or may not have developed a tiny crush on Doctor Cullen. To be fair though, this is your last day shadowing him and it’s not like you’re ever going to see him again anyways. You feel a pang of disappointment at the thought, but it soon disappears when Emily greets you at the counter.  

“Hi, Y/N! Where’s the doctor today?”

“I was running early today, so I figured I’d grab both of our drinks.” You place your order and ask the barista what Doctor Cullen’s “usual” was.

“Oh that?” she laughs. “He gets boiling water. It’s a little weird, but I just assumed he makes tea with it.”

Boiling... water? You think back to the last several days and try to remember what Doctor Cullen even did with his drink. He definitely never made tea with it. In fact, you don’t think he’s ever taken a sip out of the cup before throwing it away.

“Then I’ll be adding a grande boiled water to my order,” you tell Emily and thank her before she moves on to the next person in line.

You wait to the side for your food and see Jaime standing there too. He’s wearing a backpack and a faded college sweatshirt thrown over his scrubs, and you’re reminded of how many years left of school you have before you can even call yourself a doctor. You wave to him, and he pulls an earbud out from his ear with a sleepy smile.

“Hey, what’s up?” he greets you.

“Nothing much, just grabbing something to eat before the day starts. I’m surprised to see you here though. What happened to morning rounds?”

Jaime lets out what you can only discern as a mix between a hollowed laugh and a groan and tells you about forgetting his coffee at home. “Don’t even get me started on this morning. My car died on me, so I had to get an Uber. Lo and behold, there weren’t any Ubers around either, so ya boy eventually took not just a taxi, but a taxi and the train. By the time I got here, I realized my coffee was still on the counter at home, and so now I’m here.”

Damn, and you thought mornings were rough for you.

“Sorry to hear that! Did you get in trouble for being late?”

“I called Doctor Cullen myself and told him what was happening. He was so understanding, god bless, so I’m in the clear for now.

At the mention of the doctor, your thoughts instantly go back to blond tresses and a brilliant smile you already know you’ll miss when you leave the hospital for the last time today.

“Yeah, he’s pretty great, isn’t he?” you say a little too dreamily. Jaime gives you a knowing look and you rein it back in, hoping you haven’t exposed yourself already.

“You know, I think he’s going to miss you the most when you leave.” You don’t even get the chance to react when Jaime continues on, “Don’t get me wrong, Lily and I will definitely miss having you around, but the man really took a liking to you a lot faster than he did with us.”

“What do you mean?”

“He always kept us at an arm’s length before you came around. All of that personal stuff you get out of him would have taken him weeks to tell us before, and that’s if we’re lucky. He just seems more comfortable around you,” Jaime shrugs. His coffee is then called out, cutting off anything he wanted to say next. “That’s my cue. I’ll see you later!”

You take a moment to mull over what Jaime said. From your perspective, Doctor Cullen has treated you exactly the same way he does with everyone else. You don’t dare to over think what Jaime could be saying – over thinking never leads to anything good. And yet, the damage is done. The seed has been planted and now you can’t help but wonder about what made you stand out to the doctor.

Your own order is called, and you’re pulled from your thoughts with the smell of warm food.

Now armed with two beverages and a pastry bag sandwiched between your fingers, you make your way to a nearby table to wait for Doctor Cullen. Your wait is soon cut short though, as you see him walking towards you out of your peripheral vision. The clouds shift and the sun shines through the windows again. Its golden rays pass over the doctor, and for a second, you swear you could see him shimmering in the sunlight.

You squint strangely and blink a few times. Get it together, you tell yourself. Over thinking is clearly playing some weird psychological tricks on your eyes, and you still needed to be on your A-game.

“Hey you,” he flashes that familiar smile once more when reaching the table you are settled at. “You’re early today.”

“I am. It even gave me the chance to get you your water.” You hand him the cup with a smirk, having made sure to put a sleeve on it earlier because unlike Doctor Cullen, you actually have hands that hold the risk of being burnt.

“Ah, I see Emily has divulged one of my secrets with you. Thank you, Y/N, you really didn’t have to.”

“It’s nothing,” you insist. Seriously, water is free at Starbucks. “Think of it as a small thank you present. It’s the least I could do for the amazing surgeon that let me follow him around for the week.”

“Hmm, I think you may have meant the amazing, extremely kind, highly skilled, and not to mention, quite dashing–”

“Okay! No need to flatter yourself,” you laugh, trying your best to refrain from rolling your eyes. In all honesty, you can’t describe him any better. Add in attractive, intelligent, compassionate, way too humble sometimes, and it would be the perfect recipe to recreate another Doctor Cullen.

From there on, your daily routine at the hospital continues without a hitch. It’s a morning filled with back to back surgeries and question after question thrown at you from the doctor. There is no doubt that he is keeping you on your toes – literally and figuratively. You have to admit though, you are pretty proud of yourself for being able to answer the majority of his questions.

Your feet swing aimlessly while you spin around in a padded chair in Doctor Cullen’s office. Your laptop is open on his desk, displaying a blank document that’s meant to be your personal statement. It has been a little over an hour since he left you here to attend a mandatory meeting and you are starting to get antsy.

Aside from several stacks of files and other various papers, the desk lacks the small trinkets you would expect to see. As a matter of fact, the office itself is surprisingly void of anything personal. There aren’t any pictures of family, friends, pets, not even of a possible wife. There are no decorations on the wall either, and if it weren’t for the leather briefcase leaning against the side of the desk, you’d never believe this office belonged to him. No wonder he spends as much time as possible outside of this dismal room.

As you continue spinning in the chair, you bring up a paper fortune teller made earlier from a sticky note. You choose a color, two subsequent numbers, and flip open the flap to reveal the fortune.

Brunch date with Dr. Cullen.

The things you do to kill time. Your friends would never let you live this down if they could see you now.

Just as you’re about to go another round with the fortune teller, the door opens and Doctor Cullen walks in. The fortune teller goes flying out of your hands and onto the floor next to you as you jump in surprise and halt the spinning.

“Sorry about the wait, Y/N. I’m afraid the meeting took longer than expected,” he says, his words laced with a hint of bitterness. Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice you nearly jumping out of your skin. Not wanting to draw attention to the fortune teller on the floor, you leave it there for now and start packing up your stuff.

“I presume you found a way to entertain yourself?”

“Kind of? I tried starting my personal statement again. It’s really not coming together,” you laugh dryly. Too preoccupied with turning off your laptop and putting it away, you don’t notice that Doctor Cullen walking around to the head of the desk where you are until it’s too late.

Oh crap, the fortune teller. Of course, he just has to notice it too and picks it up with a curious expression. You look up, and he’s standing there with it in his hand.

“Did you make this?”

You leap up from the chair and snatch it out of his hand before he can examine it any closer. There is no way in hell you’re letting him open it.

“Uh, yeah... It’s just something we used to make in elementary school – nothing special!” You try to play it off as cool as possible and slip the fortune teller into the small trash can underneath his desk. “So what’s next on the schedule?”

He takes a moment before answering you. You see his eyes study the way your fingers nervously fidgets with a loose thread on your shirt. He seemingly brushes off the interaction that occurred and responds, “Pre-op. I believe this one will be much different than the others you’ve observed this week.”

“What’s different about it?” you ask. Doctor Cullen starts to leave and holds the door open for you.

“You’ll see.” You don’t have to look at him to know he’s smirking.

He shuts the door and you start walking towards to the surgical department when a hand abruptly pulls you back just a little too hard. You trip over your own feet in the process and in some miraculous, but also really unlucky, sadistic, cruel-of-the-universe sort of way, land in Doctor Cullen’s arms. Goosebumps form up your arms where he’s holding you, and you can’t tell whether it’s from the temperature difference or the fact that your face is only an inch away from his chest.

You are absolutely mortified to say the least. Heat begins crawling up your cheeks and if there was a witness, they would have seen you quite literally jump out of the doctor’s arms.  

“I’m so sorry, Doctor Cullen! I didn’t mean to trip and fall and–”

“No, no, please, Y/N. It was of no fault of yours. I admit, I wholly underestimated the extent of my strength in that moment.” You stare at him, still dismayed at what happened, but it seems you aren’t the only one feeling like a deer in the headlights. “Can you find it in yourself to forgive me?” he asks, smiling meekly.

“It’s fine, these things happen. We’re only human after all, right?”

“...Right.” There’s a moment of silence that goes on for longer than you prefer, and you can’t help but feel like you’re the punchline of some inside joke. You don’t dwell on it though. There’s really only so much social embarrassment you can handle in one day. “Now, if there aren’t any more near-accidents,” he points in the opposite direction and says, “we’re headed to the children’s hospital.”

Oh.

[lesbian-percy-weasley]

How To Make Your Crush Fall In Love With You In Three Easy Steps by Gay-Natasha-Saves-The-World on Ao3 (aka your Frankenstein references in Harry Potter fanfiction dealer)

Chapter 2: Make Yourself Desirable

Ship: Perciver

Content warning: Spoilers to the American satirical comedy But I’m A Cheerleader staring Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall in the first paragraphs. (It’s free on YouTube if you haven’t seen it)

Summary: Percy is starting to question his feelings about Oliver while Oliver tries everything in his power to prove to Percy he’s sort of an intellectual

A/N: Online school has totally messed with my sleep schedule so midnight fic release woohoo

“I swear film studies attract the worst type of people,” Penny sighed as she sat down at the library table with her friends. “This Tarantino fanboy was trying to talk to me about Pulp Fiction and then acted like I killed his dog when I said I didn’t like it. Cinema peaked with But I’m A Cheerleader and you can’t convince me otherwise.”

“Oh please, what’s so good about that movie?” Cedric complained. “Ummm, it’s gay, it’s a commentary about how gender roles are bullshit, it has a happy ending, and prince Zuko is in it,” Penny argued while she was opening her lunch.

“I would hardly call getting disowned by your family and being homeless a happy ending.”

“Did you not pay attention to the movie at all? First of all, they weren’t homeless; they were staying with Larry and Lloyd Morgan-Gordon. And second of all the last scene of the movie shows Megan’s parents in a support group for people with gay children so clearly they didn’t disown her.” Penny could deal with a lot of bullshit, but someone saying But I’m A Cheerleader was a bad movie was not one of them.

Percy however found this hilarious, but he was trying to hold in his laughter since they were in a library and his laugh was notoriously loud. Penny and Cedric were continuing to argue about the movie and Percy managed to gain composure. That’s when he noticed Oliver looking at him from next to a shelf.

He gave him a small friendly wave before he walked away of embarrassment. Strange. But Percy decided not to think a lot about it.

“Was that your boyfriend?” Penny teased Percy. “Don’t be ridiculous, it's just my friend from English.” He replied trying everything he could not make his face blush. “Oh, so he’s the person we have to thank for getting you to finally shut up about it.” Cedric laughed.

There was no hiding Percy’s blush now. “Oh wait, I get it. He’s not your boyfriend but you want him to be.” Penny exclaimed like this was a great revelation. “No!” Percy said a bit louder than he meant to, earning a harsh glare from Ms. Pince. “He’s just my friend. Besides, I doubt he’s gay, and even if he is, how would he know I’m gay.”

“Your computer screensaver is literally a picture of Oscar Wilde. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.” Cedric replied matter-of-factly. Percy couldn’t even muster a reply to that. Yes, Cedric was right but that still didn’t prove that he would have any chance of ever being with Oliver.

I mean just look at him. He’s a lanky, ginger nerd who was too shy to have more than 2 good friends and Oliver was a gorgeous and popular star sports player. Even if Oliver was gay, why would he want to be with him when he could be with any other boy in school?

Before he knew it, lunch ended and he had to go on with his day. But the thought of Oliver would be on his mind for the rest of the day.

Oliver was extremely tired after track practice. Besides the growing mountain of homework he had, he wanted to read the book for Percy. As much as he wanted to ignore it, if he did his grades would drop even lower and he would absolutely be kicked from the team. So the book could wait for now.

By the time he was done with his homework, he felt like he was about to pass out. But he HAD to read the book. It couldn’t be that hard to read, right? After all, he watched the movie with his parents a few years ago.

Oliver couldn’t even get past page 3 of Frankenstein before almost dozing. “I thought there was supposed to be a monster…” He mumbled to himself as he set the book down. He decided that he will try again tomorrow. If that didn’t work he would just SparkNotes it. It was almost 11 pm anyway.

For the next week, Oliver spent virtually every bit of the little free time he had reading Frankenstein. It was deceptively small for the amount of effort it took to read it. But late one night, he finally finished it.

The amount he took in was debatable but he understood enough to prove he read it. Just as he was thinking about messaging Percy about it, his phone beeped. He picked it up to see Percy had already messaged him.

ThatPercival: Do you still need help with the English homework?

Oliver.Would: Nah, I figured it out.

ThatPercival: Oh, okay.

Oliver.Would: I’ve been getting better at English this semester lol. I actually just finished reading Frankenstein.

ThatPercival: Really? What did you think about it?

Oliver.Would: I thought you were right about it being a better Jekyll and Hyde.

ThatPercival: Right? Mary Shelley did it first and better. I don’t know why we don’t read it instead.

Oliver.Would: If you got to pick the books we read in school people would actually pay more attention.

ThatPercival: I doubt they would pay any more attention to Pride and Prejudice or the Picture of Dorian Gray than they already do when they’re reading The Great Gatsby. But I would have more fun.

Oliver.Would: Touche. But at least we would be reading better books. You don’t even understand how boring English was before you came along.

ThatPercival: Speaking of English, what happened in the first semester that made Mr. Lupin have assigned seating? He never did that last year.

Oliver.Would: Oh yeah, Marcus Flint punched someone in the face over a seat.

ThatPercival: Asgjfhksdfkfdj What????

Oliver.Would: Yeah some kid sat in the seat he usually sat in, they argued about it for a few minutes and then he just punched him. He got suspended for a few weeks and Mr. Lupin had to change the rules. It was the only notable thing that happened in the first half of the year.

ThatPercival: That seems like a pretty severe reaction for someone sitting in your seat.

Oliver.Would: Yeah lol.

The conversation died after that and Percy felt quite sad about it. He would talk to Oliver all night if he could. It didn’t matter if he would see him in the morning. He’s found himself wanting to talk to Oliver about everything. Found a meme about the book they read in class? He would send it to Oliver. His siblings did something generally annoying? He would let off steam by talking to Oliver.

He still talked to Penny and Cedric about the random shit they always talked about, but he wanted to talk to Oliver way more. It just felt more, natural? Why would it feel more natural? He’s known Penny and Cedric since middle school and he’s known Oliver for like 3 months.

He put his phone on his bedside table and sighed heavily. All of this was just so confusing. He could read and understand some of the most advanced works in literature but his brain was a different story. Oliver made him feel an emotion he couldn’t describe.

His pondering was cut off by the ungodly noise his siblings were making seemingly right outside his door. They always seemed to do this at the worst times. It was 10:30 at night, what could they possibly be doing? Before he even got to the door, his mom was already telling them off.

Now he could return to trying to decode his feelings for Oliver. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Penny said a few weeks ago. Did he really want Oliver to be his boyfriend? Okay, maybe there was some truth in that. But there was still no way Oliver would want to be his boyfriend.

So what if he read a book he mentioned once? Maybe he was just trying to be friendly or expanding his literary horizons. That doesn’t mean he wants Percy to be his boyfriend. Why would he want to be his boyfriend? The two of them couldn’t have been more different.

But he shouldn’t waste time thinking about it. He had to sleep. He put his phone on the charger, turned his lights off, got into bed, and tried not to think about how madly in love with Oliver he was.

[purplesurveys]

1062

survey by chrissylee22dc

A

Achievements: I guess I’m being asked to list some of mine...some of the ones I’m proudest of, at least, are graduating university with honors, landing a job (liking it is a big bonus), and taking up leadership positions.

Age: I am 22, but never felt quite like it.

Are you planning something right now? Kind of. I’m eyeing a long road trip to Tanay with just myself and go to one of their coffee shops, but idk when I’ll be able to do that. My wallet and bank account are still beat from Christmas lol (and until now I’m still buying gifts for friends), so it might have to wait until sometime next month.

Arizona or Alaska: I think Arizona weather is already quite like ours here, so I might enjoy Alaska a bit (if not a lot) more. There’s generally a lot more factors I find interesting with Alaska, like their food.

B

Birthdate: April 21st.

Build: I’m quite thin and underweight, but I actually recently made plans to start working out - both to make an effort to be healthy with myself, and also to feel good post-breakup. I’m hoping to see some changes in my body and build in the coming months.

Babies, do you have any? None of those, not sure if that’s still the plan for me.

Blonde or Brunette: Brunette.

C

Childhood sweetheart: Erm, does Gab count? We technically weren’t kids anymore when we first got together. I wasn’t attracted to anyone as a kid and was more concerned with growing my Pokemon pogs collection.

Current mood: I’m hungry and can go for savory breakfast foods right now, like shakshuka or huevos rancheros. Also a little anxious because I really don’t want to think about work, but tasks continue to pile up for a certain client.

Children, are there more in your future? There aren’t even any to begin with.

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi just because it reminds me of Punk and my chaotic wrestling fangirl years.

D

Dad's name: Edgardo, but no one calls him by that full name. He has two nicknames; one of which he hates and only family and friends use, and the other is the name he has permanently introduced himself as in his workplace.

Dating anyone: Not anymore.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Don’t most people?

Dogs or cats: Dogs.

E

Elementary School: I’m not sharing that.

Eye color: Dark brown/black.

Ever going to China? Probably not right now considering the present situation. I’d love to go to the rural cities and have a peek into their country life.

Early or Late: EARLY. Lateness is a big pet peeve, unless the excuse is super reasonable like Manila traffic or a car accident.

F

First Crush: The first person I felt remotely attractive to was Andi, from 6th grade. Then she moved to New Zealand and the crush quickly faded out.

Fears: For concrete things, I hate cockroaches and fair rides. For bigger concepts, I fear getting left behind, failing, and not getting approval, and the idea of never being satisfied or happy with who I am, what I’ve done, or where I’ve gone.

Future goals: Have a place of my own, be able to sustain myself, and keep myself alive.

Funny or Serious: I think everyone has to have both sides. I wouldn’t want to hang out long with people who can’t be sat down to just shoot the shit with conversations that go a little deeper. At the same time, I’d be quickly bored with someone who talks about existential or philosophical topics 24/7 and takes everything seriously.

G

Grandparent's names: On my dad’s side, Dolores and Federico; on my mom’s side, Agnes and Jun. My maternal grandpa is the third in multiple generations of Abelardos in the family, but his nickname is simply ‘Jun,’ because Philippines.

GPA: We don’t measure our grades with that, but we do have a GWA; I’m just not sure how that can be converted to GPA. Mine was in the 1.47 range, which was good enough for cum laude honors. I barely missed out on a magna cum laude honor (which required a 1.45 GWA), so that’s something I’ve always been pressed about and I know I could have clinched it if the pandemic didn’t cancel my final semester, which would’ve given me the chance to pull up my grades.

Going anywhere this weekend? I don’t think so. I want to spend the remaining 5 days of my break completely unproductively.

Giver or Taker: Giver. I like pleasing people.

H

High School: I attended one school from kindergarten to high school.

Hair color: Black.

Hate anyone for life? I don’t think so. I dislike some people, but I can’t tell if I’ll feel that way for the rest of my life.

Hairspray or Gel: When I’m going somewhere or attending something fancy, I use hair gel to hold my hair down.

I

In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Eighth grade is freshman year of high school, right? In that case, my best friend was Gabie.

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes it is. I like no longer being updated about Gabie’s life. Back when I still tried to push my way in, I was miserable. I stopped doing so over the holidays and I just stopped reaching out, stopped trying to communicate, everything. I’ve been a lot happier that way.

Is there anything you wanna share? That’s kinda the goal with every survey I take.

Ice Cream or Cake: Right now, maybe ice cream. I’m very picky about cake, and I don’t like the spongy ones aka most cakes I know.

J

Jumped rope for fun: That’s exactly what I use jump ropes for. I don’t think I ever used it for fitness or working out except for maybe PE.

Junk around you right now? I mean, not really. I have my embroidery stuff in a pile beside me, but I don’t consider them junk.

Joining anything anytime soon? Not planning on it. I briefly considered joining a gym as a new thing to do for 2021, but in the end I figured working out at home would be enough. Angela recommended the latter as well, so that’s how I abandoned my gym plans quickly haha.

January or July: I guess July? January always feels just a teeny bit stranger than other months, considering it’s the beginning of a new year.

K

Killed anyone: ...This serious?

Keeping a secret? I keep different secrets from different people.

Kicking someone off your top friends today? I don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Hasn’t been for a while.

Kiwi or Apple: Apple, just because I’ve never had the chance to taste kiwi.

L

Lost anyone close to you: I’ve lived 22 years, of course I have. I’d be very surprised if someone has lived that long but has never experienced losing people, whether from a fallout, from death, etc. Just this year alone I lost a great-aunt on my maternal grandpa’s side, and a ton of relatives from my maternal grandma’s side.

Last kiss, when and who: Gabie, three months ago.

List 3 people that you'll love forever: I can only think of Angela. And of course, Gab.

Lover or Fighter: Fighter, I suppose. I can be relentless. Right now with my breakup has been the only time I allowed myself to take a step back and not forcibly take things under my control for once.

M

Middle School: We don’t follow the concept of middle school here. The levels in middle school fall under elementary school as well.

Marital Status: Single.

Mom's name: Abigail.

Music or TV: TV.

N

Northernmost state you've been to: Batanes, which is as northernmost as northernmost gets in the Philippines.

Nickname: A lot of family members call me Byn, but for the most part Robyn has always been my main nickname.

Name your future boy and girl: I have yet to make up my mind about this.

Naughty or Nice: Nice. I never particularly feel ~naughty, and since the breakup I especially haven’t felt the need to be sexual.

O

Opened a piece of mail that wasn't yours? Sometimes I’ll open the electricity or water bill addressed to my parents out of curiosity just to find out how much we consumed in the last month. But nothing more than that.

Occupation: I’m an associate at a PR agency.

Owe anyone money: Nope.

Outgoing or Shy: Shy at first but I can get outgoing once I’ve warmed up to a person/situation.

P

Place you most want to be? Right now? I’d love to be at a coffee shop or bar at a higher altitude, with a view of the city. I used to go to a lot of these before the pandemic hit, but now I’m thinking of doing it again.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? No.

Planning a major trip? Not really. Most tourist spots require swab tests and I am not having anything go up my nose.

Pink or Black? Love both, but I like pink ever so slightly more.

Q

Quit a class: I’ve never dropped a class. I’ve wanted to, but there was so much paperwork to fill out to do so and I also didn’t want to be behind on my overall schedule.

Quickly...the first word to come to mind: Whistle, because the pink/black question reminded me of Blackpink.

Quitting your job soon? No lol I’m barely two months in.

Quiet or Loud: I can be both, but these days I’ve been quieter.

R

Riding in an airplane: I have no idea what this is asking.

Ride, tell me about yours: ^ Same.

Running for any political office in the future? No plans to.

Rain or Snow: I guess rain, since it’s the only one I’ve experienced.

S

Siblings names and ages: Nina is 20, my brother is 17.

Shoe size: I fit anywhere between a size 6 to 7.

Shave daily? It used to be daily, but I haven’t had the need to since the quarantine began.

Shower or Bath: Shower.

T

Turning 21 was (will be): It’s been a year since then.

Texas, ever been? No but I have relatives who live there, so it’s one of my choice states to visit and stay at if I ever plan to go to the US.

Think you'll live to be 100? I doubt it. I don’t have any relatives who lived until that age.

Tame or Wild: Idk, tame I guess?? I don’t know what this is asking.

U

Unique quality about you: I feel like this is a question best answered by other people who see and interact with me more than I do myself.

Underwear on? Yeah.

Under your bed lies: Large containers with all the magazines I collected from childhood that I can’t bring myself to throw out.

Under or Over: Idk, you have to be more specific.

V

Virgin? No.

Vacation time left? I have five days left, including today :( I plan to be the most unproductive or bum-y I’ve ever been, because I have no clue when I’ll have a break this long again.

Voting in the next Presidential election? Of course.

Volleyball or Swimming: I like swimming more, but I like watching volleyball.

W

Went white water rafting? I don’t think so, but I would give it a shot.

Wearing right now: A hoodie that’s around two sizes bigger for me.

Write a sentence about you: About anything? I’m a little upset with myself for having been a bit lousy with survey-taking during the holiday break. I planned on taking a lot to catch up on the ones I’ve missed out on, but so far I mostly take just one a day lol.

West Coast or East Coast: East.

X

X-Rays in the past month: 0.

X-Mas plans: Had a get-together with my mom’s side of the family on the 24th; we hosted our own Christmas party on the 25th; and we visited my dad’s side of the family on the 26th.

X, does it mark the spot? Idk.

X-Tina or Britney? Britney.

Y

You lost "it" when? I mean, I’ve had more than one moment where I freaked out...

Your favorite song:  I’m really in love with Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House. My favorite songs come and go, but this one has been a constant.

Your favorite place on Earth: Sagada.

Yes or No: Idk. I’m not enjoying these vague ass questions.

Z

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Zodiac Sign: Idk, I’m still a Taurus.

Zippos are neat, agree? I don’t have an opinion.

Zoo or Circus: Neither.

[dc41896]

You Again

Hey guys👋🏾! So really quick just wanted to go ahead and say that this will have multiple parts (probably 5 or 6 more after this, but then again I’m not sure lol). Also I know this first part is short (at least to me it is), but the rest will be longer (not super long though lol). Ok that’s pretty much everything and hope you guys like it💕!!

Pairing: fratboi!Chris EvansxBlack Reader

⚠️: None☺️!

“Okay guys, ready to find out your partners for your projects?,” Professor Harris excitedly asks only to be met with groans and a sarcastic “yay”.

“Cmon guys I promise it won’t be that bad. Well that is if you guys try to work together like the somewhat responsible adults I know you are.”

Reading down the list, you anxiously await for your name to be called hoping that you’re put with someone who won’t leave everything to you this time. Being your senior year, and last semester to be exact, you just wanted everything to go by smoothly so you could get out of this place.

“Next we have Y/N with Matt.”

“Yes!,” you thought turning to look at your best friend, smirking at each other knowing you both were gonna ace this project.

“Oh..actually..my fault I was looking at the wrong line. Y/N you’re with Chris, and Matt you’re with Leslie. Okay now that you guys know your partners, go sit next to them and spend the last few minutes of class discussing your plans. I’ll come by and give you guys your topics as well.”

Walking towards the back of the room to talk with his new partner, Matt dramatically reaches out for you mouthing “I’ll never let go” before reaching his desk. Dark blue backpack flopping to the floor, Chris slouches down in the formerly vacant seat. Signature sly smile plastered along his face looking at you with those blue eyes pretty much every girl on campus wished would look in their direction.

“Mr. Evans and Mrs. Y/L/N, you both will be covering the frontal lobe of the brain. Good luck and please don’t kill each other,” he says handing both of you a sheet of paper with the due date and other information on how to properly complete it.

“So partner, what’s the plan?,” he asks skimming over the sheet in his hands.

“Well I think first we need to set up a schedule. We have 2 weeks to do this so I figure maybe we meet twice a week-,”

“Yea schedules sound nice and all, but what if we just, I don’t know, take a break and get everything prepared you know? Then meet up say the week of and put everything together?”

“...so basically what you’re saying is you want to wait until the last minute and try to do this project that we have to present on for 10 minutes?,” you respond arms crossed in front of you as you sit back in your chair.

“Not the very last minute, but something like that yea! Look we both are busy, I know you have your other classes you have to study for just like me so instead of stressing ourselves out with even more work, we leave the easiest for last,” he smiles.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you thought laughing in disbelief as you tapped your pencil against your chin.

“Yea how about no to that idea, and we go ahead and get this done since like you said it’ll be the easiest. Plus leaving this for the last minute will only add more stress due to procrastinating which, I don’t know about you, but I don’t need.”

Taking a moment to look at you, he chuckles to himself before placing his bag over his shoulder. “Still always the boss huh?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Like you don’t remember, pink ranger.”

In fact you knew exactly what he was talking about. Before becoming the party king of Phi Kappa Chi everyone knew him as now, he was your teammate, the red power ranger, during recess and your friend. Most of the time, it would only be you two playing since everyone else who joined eventually got upset because you guys weren’t playing right.

“The pink ranger can call out orders too!,” you would shout back at anyone fussing because Chris wasn’t the only one that was the leader.

However, those days would come to an end with you having to move away because of your dad’s new job. You tried to keep in touch with him but you guessed with time he found new friends so you decided to do the same.

No matter how much it hurt.

“No I still don’t know what you’re talking about. You must have me confused with another girl you used to play games with,” you retort looking at your paper actively avoiding his eyes.

“Yea alright,” he rolls his eyes with a chuckle. “So when do we do this?”

“What about Friday? I’ll be done by 12 so depending on when you’re finished we can meet then and at least plan out what we’re each gonna work on if we don’t actually start it.”

“I don’t have class on Friday so sounds good.”

“Why am I not surprised,” you thought. “Ok good, we’ll meet around 3 at my dorm-,”

“And why yours?,” he smirks, fingers lightly tapping the table.

“Because there’s plenty of study rooms we can use, so I can easily claim one once I get up. Plus you live in a frat house and I already know it looks like a hazardous waste zone through there.”

“This is gonna be great,” he says under his breath as he lightly shakes his head. “Alright whatever, here.”

Handing you his phone, he already has a new contact slot opened for you to enter your number under “Pink Ranger🦸🏽‍♀️”.

“Very funny, but you’re not saving my name like that,” you respond correcting it after entering your number and handing his phone back.

“You might have a say in a lot of stuff sweetheart, but not what I save you as in MY phone,” he winks before standing up to walk out of the room.

“And don’t call me sweetheart!,” you yell after him, momentarily forgetting where you were before seeing everyone’s eyes on you as they quietly giggle.

“So I take it the meeting went well,” Matt speaks walking up to you as you collect your things to journey to your next class.

“Sure, if me foreseeing myself needing bail money before this is all over counts as a good meeting,” you sarcastically smile making him laugh as he wraps an arm around your shoulders walking out with you.

Taglist: @crushed-pink-petals @fumbling-fanfics @honeychicana @lady-olive-oil @themyscxiras @lovelymari4 @melinda-january @fullofmelaninsarcasmandepression @nunubug99 @felicity-x0 @ellixthea @jojolu @jnk-812 @brwn-sgr @captainsamwlsn @itshinothey @wildfirecracker @nina-sj @iammyownlover @chaneajoyyy

If anybody wants to be tagged, has asked to be tagged but don’t see your name, only want to be tagged for certain people I write for, or no longer wish to be tagged just let me know��!

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hey! I saw your blog today and I love it very much!! I see you're an open person so, I also have a question: HOW does one survive studying japanese at uni?? I'm in my first year and only my second (online haha) semester and we started out with Minna no nihongo 1 but we're supposed to finish Minna 2 by the end of this semester, same with Basic Kanji book 1 in the first sem and now Basic Kanji Book 2, all while also learning mostly of Japan's history and others in this semester. Exams will kill me

Hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog! I am open to a fault lol. Let me recount my meandering journey through uni, illustrating my feelings through gifs of Noel Fielding because he is my celebrity crush.

Uni is such a difficult time for so many people, trying to figure out who you are now and who you want to be later. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized what I wanted to do. I started writing out my university experience and it got super long, so allow me to just summarize my “Lessons Learned” here and you can read the rest if you want to know all the dirty deets lol. I double-majored in Japanese and English, so I think that my experience can perhaps be useful to people who are majoring in things other than Japanese as well. 

Hard-Learned Lessons from Uni

Do not choose a course of study because it is “practical.” Choose it because it is something you love. Seriously. Nothing is more important than this point. Do not choose a major because “I’ll make a lot of money” or “My parents are telling me this is good for me.” 

If you are learning multiple languages at once, you must give your brain time to organize what you learned from one language lesson before moving on to the next. You can do this by waiting a couple hours between lessons, getting up and walking around, studying one language in different space from the other, etc. Otherwise, it all becomes a terrible mess in your head.

It’s okay not to know what you want your career to be. It’s okay not to have a specific plan. Life works out one way or the other.

I know how expensive uni can be. (It’s been six years since I graduated and I’m still making hefty loan payments.) But don’t feel like you have to take a full courseload every single semester and graduated asap, particularly if the classes are hard and/or you are working. I took the maximum credit hours allowed every semester on top of working RIDICULOUS hours and it nearly killed me at one point. I’m not kidding. 

It is not unusual to have an identity crisis and/or mental breakdown. Take care of yourself. Know when you are nearing breaking point. Seek out the help of professionals. Most universities have psychiatrists and therapists that will see you very cheaply. 

Surround yourself with good people and look out for each other. 

Do not rely on substances to ease your suffering because sometimes the remedy becomes the malady. Not saying you should avoid all parties or anything square like that, but just don’t be one of those people that parties every night and gets in over their head. 

Let me preface this by stating that I’m an American, and our universities are stupid because they force us to take a ton of “general education” courses that are irrelevant to our majors, and many students spend their first couple years taking only a couple courses related to their majors and minors, and try to focus on getting those stupid gen eds out of the way. 

Year 1: Oh Shit, This Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I come from a town of less than 2600 people. Our high school prepared its students for the following career paths:

joining the military (boys only)

becoming a farmer (boys only)

welding, carpentry, or other practical jobs (boys only)

becoming a housewife (girls only)

So basically I coasted through high school never having to study anything because it was one great big joke, only I thought I was like super duper smart because I was in the top five of my graduating class of 48. LOLLLLLLLLL

I entered university as a German major, Japanese minor. (Japanese was not offered as a major at my uni). I had never studied German previously, but I studied Spanish and French in high school and I just had this feeling that German and Japanese were the languages for me. 

The first semester, I had Japanese 101 and German 101 back to back, in the EXACT SAME CLASSROOM. I can’t stress enough how much of a mindfuck it was to go from thinking about Japanese for 50 minutes, having a 10 minute break, and then trying to switch your brain to German. IN THE SAME ROOM. It actually gave me headaches to try and make that mental jump. Managed to pull through the year with A’s in both, but German was much more of a challenge to me than Japanese. Which was really unexpected. 

I also flunked several gen eds because I didn’t give a shit about them and skipped them and got placed on academic probation and was nearly kicked out of uni because of my poor grades

Basically, I was such a weeb that I had watched enough anime with subtitles and sung along to enough anime songs that I had absorbed about 90% of the first year’s worth of Japanese vocab and grammar through osmosis. I really did have the power of God and anime on my side.

Year 2: The Year of the Mid-Midlife Crisis and Mental Breakdown

There really is no gif that will encapsulate the level of turmoil I went through that year. I looked really hard for one, trust me.

It became apparent very quickly that I could not keep up with German. I ended up dropping it early in the first semester, which meant I had to choose a new major. Thinking of what would be practical to pair with a Japanese minor, I went for International Business for a semester, took Accounting, and realized that I HATE The Man, corporate bullshit, and also numbers as a concept.

All I knew at this point was that I liked Japanese but couldn’t make it a major. I also knew I didn’t want to transfer universities. So I kept taking gen eds, just barely passing them because to this day I cannot bring myself to put effort into something I do not care about, and also taking more classes related to my Japanese minor. It was the Japanese classes that saved my GPA and kept me from getting kicked out of uni.

At the same time, I took a creative writing course because that’s been a hobby of mine since elementary school, and I kinda thought about an English major, but then was like, “Eww I don’t wanna be forced to read books I don’t give a shit about. And also, what will I do with that degree?”

Also, at the same time, I was working full time, and often getting stuck working from 2 pm to 7 am (Yes, 15-hour shifts, because the overnight dude would call in sick last minute and I’d be begged to cover his shift), and then dragging myself to classes and drooling on the desks because I’d fall asleep.

Also also, I started to have possible hallucinations? To this day I don’t know what was going on, but either I was legitimately going crazy, or there was a demon following me around and being quite rude to me, making light fixtures fall and shatter inches from my head, throwing papers around my room, opening and closing doors, turning lights off and on, coming to me in dreams and doing some really, really traumatic things to me in them, and just standing in corners staring at me at all hours of the night. Had me so scared that towards the end of the school year I was waiting to sleep until sunrise, when it would go away. And no, I was not using any mind-altering substances of any sort. Not even going out and getting drunk. 

So, yeah. Year Two was a hard one that I can’t believe I pushed through. Probably the darkest year of my life, I’d say. What got me through it? An unhealthy amount of energy drinks, friends, and my love of Japanese. Also Aerosmith.

Do I still see that demon? No. He vanished when the school year ended and I moved out of the dorms. Do I believe in the supernatural? Yes, to an extent. Do I think that what I was seeing was actually a demon? I honestly don’t know. I have had actual supernatural experiences verified by multiple witnesses, and a few years before Year 2, several friends and myself had seen an entity similar to what was following me around. But this one in Year 2 only did things when I was alone. So it could have all been in my head, and I will never know. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and also a form of insomnia that keeps me from sleeping through the night, and I know that my anxiety manifests itself in psychosomatic ways. In other words, my mind will take my anxiety and turn it into a physical symptom that feels real in every way, but is actually not occurring. So far it’s manifested as: sensitivity to sunlight, the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, half of my face going numb, and headaches in my left eye. Once I realize that the symptom is just my anxiety, I can force myself to ignore and overcome it. But then my anxiety finds a new form to manifest, and the cycle repeats a few months later. It could be that my stress caused me to see this demon for a while.

Should I have consulted a psychiatrist and gotten help? YEP. If you find yourself struggling like that, seek help please. 💕

Year 3: Adrift But Afloat

I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my best friend, a Japanese girl I met in the dorms freshman year. I will call her Setsuko. Setsuko is basically the reason I graduated uni. She memorized my class schedules and took copies of exam dates, woke me up, forced me to go classes instead of skipping, forced me to go to the library and study with her, and cooked me dinner most days since she didn’t have to work like I did. I can’t express enough how much she did to improve my life outside of school and work, and how much that improved my mental health. She also acclimated me to lots of subtle things about Japanese culture just by living with her, and this helped me later when I moved to Japan. Thank you, Setsuko. 一生の恩人。

I was still doing those bullshit 15-hour overnight shifts way more than I should have, and also had the maximum courseload.

The Japanese classes got a lot more difficult in Year 3. But I loved them. They were the only classes I never skipped. I took more classes towards the minor like Buddhist Philosophy and Japanese History, which I really enjoyed. While polishing off more gen eds, I thought over what to do with my major. 

My family and friends all told me that I should become an English teacher. I had always been good at words and at explaining things. But I didn’t really like the idea of being a high school teacher. I became an English major, though, because I knew that I didn’t hate English. Took grammar classes and HOLY SHIT did I hit my stride.

I realized that I didn’t like English lit. I liked linguistics. So I focused heavily on all grammar and linguistics courses, taking the bare minimum of literature courses required for the major. My GPA improved substantially. 

Yet I still was consumed with this nagging fear. It was Year 3 and I still had no fucking idea what I wanted to do when I graduated.

Year 4: Clarity At The 11th Hour

Urged on by my “Don’t you dare get one of those stupid arts degrees that won’t get you a paycheck” parents, I decided that the most “practical” degree would not be “English,” but “English Education.” I began taking the English Ed classes with linguistics, grammar, and second language acquisition classes. The goal was to become a qualified English high school teacher who could also do ESL (since I had Spanish and Japanese under my belt more or less). 

At the same time, I entered into Independent Study for Japanese with two other students. We were tasked with reading Izu no Odoriko, a classic short story. Independent study was its own beast. It required a lot more concentration and work on my part, obviously. But because Japanese was my first and foremost passion, I centered my efforts on those courses, and then on the others.

The process of getting certified to be an English teacher was lengthy and expensive in my state. This meant my graduation would be further prolonged, and I was worried about money, because I was already about $50,000 in debt at the time, despite working those fucking overnight shifts all the time that were eating me alive.

Then, during the summer vacation when my 4th year ended, I got a scholarship and went to Japan to study abroad. Education majors had the option to study abroad in several countries, and as luck would have it, one of them was Japan, and it was Setsuko’s HOMETOWN! The study abroad program itself was the first month of summer vacation, and Setsuko said, “Okay, just come stay at my house for the rest of summer vacation!”

Never have I said “yes” quicker in my entire life.

On the train headed from Sapporo to the town where I would be actually staying during my studies, I looked at the lush rice paddies and mountains in the distance and my entire heart just hummed with this “This is where you’re meant to be.” I knew then and there that I would move to Japan upon graduation.

What would I do there? Well, teach English, obviously.

My three months in Japan effectively aligned my entire life. My path had materialized before me. It was a roughly hacked, hard-to-see path through thick underbrush, but I could see it nonetheless. 

Year 5: Let’s Hurry It Up, I’m Ready To Live

Come Year 5, all of my Japanese classmates that had been with me since freshman year were gone and I was alone. My professor taught me Classical Japanese through independent study, and it was the must grueling course I took my entire five years there. But I found it invaluable and am eternally grateful to him for teaching me, because you see Classical Japanese a lot more than you’d think you would in everyday life. Particularly in formal settings. 

I still wanted to get certified to teach English in American high schools, because while I knew I wanted to go to Japan for now, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my entire life there and I wanted a solid job opportunity when I came back to the states at some point.

However, the more education courses I took, the more I saw that the American education system was just as full of red-tape and The Man’s bullshit as corporate America, something else I rebuke with every fiber of my being. I also realized I’d need to take a 6th year of university, and that just wasn’t financially feasible for me. So I switched to a plain old English major with a heavy focus on linguistics and second language acquisition, and continued classical Japanese. 

I took the remaining 3 gen eds online in the summer, graduated, popped up to Chicago to do a month-long intensive course to get the CELTA (Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages issued by Cambridge.) It’s the most widely accepted and revered certification for teaching English as a foreign language.

So in the span of five years, I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English with a focus in linguistics and SLA, and what is technically a major in Japanese Studies. 40 credit hours were required for a major, and I completed 42 credit hours tied to my minor, so while it isn’t listed on my diploma as a major, I did the coursework. I also got a CELTA Pass B, which only 20% of applicants achieve and never expires. The grand total for all of this was roughly $100,000 USD in loans.

Post-Graduation

The week I came back to my hometown from Chicago with my CELTA in hand, I packed my suitcases, threw a going-away party, and then flew to Sapporo, where I began my first job after uni, teaching English to children aged 0-18 at a private English conversation school. I did that for three years before changing careers and becoming a Japanese-English translator/interpreter for a global company. 

So how useful have my choices during university proven to be?

I’m sure I don’t have to explain that studying Japanese helps me tons with translating Japanese to English or living in Japan lol

Studying English grammar, linguistics, sociolinguistics, and second language acquisition has allowed me to recognize minute nuances that can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful business negotiation when interpretation is necessary.

My background in education also means that I know how to present information clearly, concisely, and in a way that engages the audience. I am known as “The PowerPoint Pro” at work lol. 

I also have a keen eye for performance evaluation, behavior analysis, and improvement action plans. 

I offered English conversation lessons to coworkers for over a year, and now that is being done in other branches across the company! (Well, they were before COVID haha.) 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND WORKING THE HOURS I WORKED WHILE IN SCHOOL. My grades suffered and I wish I had worked less and focused more on classes. However, by working 15-hour shifts and doing full days of classes, I developed a very good tolerance for overtime, which comes in handy in the Japanese workplace. Just last month I had three 15 hour days in the same week. Sweet, sweet overtime pay. 

All of these facets have culminated in me earning a pretty nice promotion to 正社員 seishain back in February, which means I get nice benefits and basically my job is guaranteed until I die or the company goes under.

Should I decide to return to America someday, I will probably not go into the education field. Too much red tape. I will likely continue translation/interpretation for companies, because it isn’t too difficult and pays well. Though ideally I’d love to just make a living sharing cool information about Japanese and stuff, and maybe writing those stories that are bouncing around in my head when I should be working haha.

Do I think the debt is worth it?

Well, I don’t think I had any other option than to take out those loans. I didn’t have the means to learn the things I wanted to learn unless I went to university. 

Unless Japanese work visa requirements have changed, you are required to have a bachelor’s degree in order to obtain my sub-type of work-visa, so I needed a degree of some kind no matter what. 

Frankly, if I hadn’t gone to that university and met my best friend Setsuko, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now, living the life I am now. So just having met her is worth any price to me. 

Paying off all the loans is daunting, especially when yen is weak to the dollar. There were months I had to ask my parents for help, especially early on. But now I’ve got multiple loans paid off, my salary has increased, and the “omg i have money and no supervision so I can buy whatever I want” idiocy has mostly gone away. But I did get a super sweet pair of blindingly silver Converses a couple days ago that I definitely didn’t need

Do I have any regrets regarding my time at university?

I still regret dropping Old English for a stupid English Ed class. Seriously, how cool would that have been? But I still have the textbook, workbook, and I contacted the professor last week and she was kind enough to send me a syllabus. God bless her. So now I’m working on that bit by bit, which is fun.

I wish I hadn’t been such a cocky, naive idiot my first year. Thinking I could just “show up for tests” was the stupidest thing. It messed up my GPA, and my parents forbade me from retaking classes so I couldn’t go back and fix my mistakes. I think I graduated with a 3.4 overall GPA out of 4, but my English major GPA was 3.9 and my Japanese GPA was 4.0. So it’s pretty frustrating to have those gen eds and my dumbfuckery mar my transcript like that.

I really didn’t party at all. Most all of my friends were straight-laced Japanese exchange students, and I was also working ridiculous hours so I just didn’t really have the time. A part of me feels like I missed out on that part of the college experience.

Recently I’ve been putting more effort into improving my creative writing by reading a lot of books on the subject. Not a small part of me wishes that I had gone with a Creative Writing major instead of English major, because I still would have studied all the grammar and linguistics. Then again, I do believe that creative writing can be self-taught.

I wish I hadn’t worked as much as I did. There were a lot of times I couldn’t complete assignments or I missed lectures because I was just so drained. It wasn’t even good money.

Well...I did not intend for this post to become as long as it has. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment with nothing but two goldfish for company for over a month now and I think I’m a bit stir-crazy. Thank you to anyone and everyone who bothered to read all of this and become my therapist for a bit haha. Love you all. Stay safe and well. 💖

[joonie-beanie]

Welcome To The Wild Side [5]

<– [4] | [6]

Genre: Superpowers + College AU

Rated: T

Words: 4,144

A/N: Look an update no one asked for but I felt like writing this story so hahhhhh. Also...an outrageously long update. But splitting it into 2 parts would be pointless, so here we are.

Over the course of the next week, nothing too out of the ordinary happens in your life or around campus. A few fights, and issues with silly graffiti on school buildings, but no red-eyed madmen or anything of the sort.

Just…

You stare down at the test grade in front of you, the first of 5 tests grades that make up the entirety of your class grade. The C- registers in your brain loud and clear, and with the next test right around the corner, you choose to set your pride aside for once and message your friends to ask for help. Sadly, both of your good girlfriends are too busy with work and their own homework to lend you a hand in studying.

Flopping backwards onto your bed, you stare at the ceiling, your phone lifted above your face. After a few seconds of internal debate, you click open your messaging app and open a tab to create a new chat group.

[The Only Girl] invited you to the chat “That One Girl And The 7 Dorks”

[H O B I] joined the chat

[Agust D] joined the chat

[H O B I]: Nice chat name. Creative.

[Eldest Hyung] joined the chat

[Agust D]: God please no do not drag me into another group chat

[Eldest Hyung]: You could always just silence the notifications.

[Eldest Hyung]: But that would be R 0 0 d

[Jeon Seagull] joined the chat

[Jeon Seagull]: Yoongi is already rude tho

[Agust D]: I’m still your hyung even in this chat, you fucker.

[TaeTae] joined the chat

[RM] joined the chat

[TaeTae]: Yoongi

[Jeon Seagull]: Yoongi

[TaeTae]: Yoongi

[ChimChim] joined the chat

[ChimChim]: you two prepare to get your ass’s beat I will sit out of this one

[RM]: Suga hyung please don’t kill JK yet tho he owes me 10 dollars for pizza

[Jeon Seagull]: fuck I can’t believe you remembered that

[The Only Girl]: Um.....

[The Only Girl]: I made this chat to literally ask one simple question to the 7 of you but suddenly you’re talking about beating asses.

[H O B I]: Whoops

[Agust D]: what’s your question then?

[The Only Girl]: Oh, I was just wondering if anyone out of the 7 of you is good at math. I need some help

[TaeTae]: SHe neEDs sOmE mILK

[Jeon Seagull]: Nice. 9/10.

[RM]: I can probably help. Just gotta work around our schedules.

[The Only Girl]: Really??? Awesome! I’ll hit it up so we can work out a time then.

[RM]: sounds good!

[Eldest Hyung]: Good guy Namjoon

[The Only Girl]: Btw…I think I have it figured out but who is everyone? ;; I don’t know all your weird nicknames yet.

[H O B I]: Oh! TaeTae you can probably figure is Taehyung. RM is Namjoon, Agust D is Yoongi hyung, ChimChim is Jimin, Jeon Seagull is Jungkook, Eldest Hyung is Jin hyung, and I am Hoseok lol

[Jeon Seagull]: Dammit hyung you should’ve made her guess!!

[The Only Girl] changed [Eldest Hyung]’s nickname to [Eldest Oppa]

[The Only Girl]: WHOOPS HAHA DIDN’T KNOW IT’D CHANGE FOR EVERYONE

[TaeTae]: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Jeon Seagull]: HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Eldest Oppa]: …this is surprisingly really cute

[Agust D]: not for the rest of us.

[The Only Girl] changed [Eldest Oppa]’s nickname to [Old Guy Jin]

[Jeon Seagull]: BETTER

[ChimChim]: oh my god it’s like she’s one of us.

[Old Guy Jin]: TEARS

[The Only Girl]: ANYWAY Namjoon I’ll message you separately. I’m going to bed now. GOODNIGHT

[RM]: Sounds good. Night.

[H O B I]: Night!

[ChimChim]: Good night!

[Agust D]: All of you shut up and go to bed

3 days later, you grab your bag and step outside to lock the door to your apartment, momentarily ignoring the new bloody shoelace that rests on the cement by your feet. That’s the 4th one in the last 2 weeks, but since nothing had ever occurred because of them, you’ve just come to assume there are some squirrels nearby having some intense fights.

Nudging the bloody lace with the tip of your converse, you push it over the balcony and begin walking away, not bothering to watch and see where it lands. After all, it’s already 3pm, and with the library being a 15 minute walk away, you’re currently running behind to make the set time you and Namjoon had agreed upon.

Either way, you make your way onto main campus, wincing as the wind causes you to stumble from behind. You hadn’t heard anything about there being outrageously strong wind today, but damn, this wind is really making you stumble.

In fact, the wind somehow follows you all the way to the library, a particularly hard gust causing you to fall forward and jam your knee and palm against the cement steps just as you had intended to climb them.

“Oh shit, are you ok?” a random girl asks, coming to your side. You smile, laughing off the pain and assuring her you’re ok. Then, the wind finally seeming to have relented, you limp up the rest of the stairs and enter the lobby of the building. Namjoon is there waiting for you, and he glances up from his phone, waving when he sees that you’ve finally arrived.

“Hey--! ...are you limping?”

“Yeah, uh…a really nasty wind shoved me as I was climbing the steps, so I fell,” you explain, and Namjoon frowns.

“If you want I could--,” he begins to say, and then his words stop. You look up just in time to see his cheeks flush pink, and he coughs, awkwardly looking away.

“There’s a spot on the second floor I go to study, if you’re not opposed,” he switches topic, ignoring the way your eyebrows have raised suspiciously.

“Wherever is fine,” you respond, deciding to let it drop, and Namjoon nods. Taking the lead, he guides you up the stairs to the second floor of the library. You maneuver through some computer areas and shelves with specialized books before Namjoon pauses. Ahead of you, hidden within rows of bookshelves, is a fairly large circular table.

“Wow I would have never found this,” you admit in awe, glancing around the space which almost looks like it could be from a fairytale. Namjoon smiles proudly.

“Right? I basically lived in this library for a semester before I found it, so I doubt a lot of other people know its back here. Great when you want to study in peace, though.”

“I bet,” you laugh, and with that, you and Namjoon settle in. First, you pull out your last test, and, despite being ashamed, ask him to help you work through the problems you got wrong. To your surprise Namjoon seems to know exactly what equations you need to use and when, and immediately sets out to help you understand why you’d gotten the answers wrong.

“This might be a silly question to ask but…are you a genius?” you ask after a while, looking up at him in awe. He sets his pencil down, lifting his hand to rub the back of his head somewhat sheepishly. On the table between you is your test, all of the problems you had gotten wrong fixed by Namjoon, who had quickly and efficiently managed to reach the correct answers your professor had written beside every question.

“Not a genius, but uh…sometimes the guys tell me I am.”

“Well shit, I’m with them.”

Namjoon laughs. “You say that now, but I’m also the clumsiest of everyone too.”

You roll your eyes, cracking a smile. “Hey being clumsy has nothing to do with brain smarts. That has more to do with hand eye coordination, so maybe you should work on that.”

“Of course,” he agrees somewhat sarcastically, his eyes trailing you as you stand from your chair and bend down to dig your wallet out of your bag.

“I’m gonna hit up the café downstairs and buy a coffee. Care for one?”

“Oh, sure. Lemme grab my--,” he begins, standing to search his pockets, but you stop him.

“My treat! No worries.”

“But—”

“You took time out of your day to help me out, it’s the least I can do,” you smile at him, waving over your shoulder as you start out of the area. “Be back in a minute. Sugar and Cream?”

“Please.”

“I’ll grab a handful,” you say, and with that retrace your steps out of the hidden area. Within minutes you’ve made it downstairs and have attained two small coffees for both you and Namjoon to enjoy. Before heading back to the stairs, you shove some cream and sugar into your pocket, pausing when all of the sudden a short burst of wind comes out of nowhere. Your hair ruffles, a sting burning your cheek, and you glance around.

Where the hell had that wind come from?? The door was too far away for there to be a gust that strong…

Suspicion lingering in your gut, you hurriedly grab your coffees and jog for the elevator. Luckily it’s already on the first floor, so you step right in and head back upstairs, still walking quicker than usual as you weave your way back through the bookshelves.

Namjoon immediately looks up when you return, though the smile drops from his face as soon as he sees your furrowed brows and the injury on your cheek.

“Woah, what happened?” he questions, and you blink in surprise as he raises his hand and brushes his thumb against your cheek. There’s blood.

Your eyes widen, and you move to check it with your own hand before you realize you’re still holding two coffees. You had felt the sting but…how had you gotten cut?

“Hey so uh…this may sound strange but…has anything weird been happening lately? With you, I mean,” he clarifies, and when you look up at him, he’s looking over your head, eyes scanning the rows of books surrounding you.

“Anything out of the ordinary?”

“Besides the wind that somehow followed me all the way to and inside of the library? Nothing much,” you laugh somewhat bitterly, your eyes locked onto his face as you begin to wonder just what’s going on in his mind right now.

“No, say…bloody shoelaces in your path or anything like that?”

He glances down at you. Your eyes widen as you remember that, indeed, you had been coming across bloody shoelaces for some time now, and the look on your face alone is enough to confirm Namjoon’s suspicions.

“Fuck we gotta get outta here,” he curses, turning around and grabbing both of your bags. You stare at his back in shock, watching as he begins haphazardly shoving the papers on the table into your backpack.

“Namjoon?! What the fuck is going on why do we—?”

“So a while ago this girl in one of my classes approached me, asking if I would be her project partner. I said yes and didn’t think anything of it, but as soon as we started spending time together she got super clingy and possessive. Crazy level. Said she wanted me to date her and be hers, but at the time I was already going on a couple dates with a different girl, so—”

“Namjoon,” you interrupt, glancing around frantically as wind breezes through the area, books rattling on the shelf. Sadly, he’s too busy recounting his horror story to remember

“—I told her no. I started backing out of study dates for the project, so I wouldn’t have to see her, but then the girl I was actually going on real dates with started to have weird shit happen to her. The bloody shoelaces, the wind—”

“Namjoon! Oh my god,” you gasp, dropping the coffee to the ground and moving to grip the back of his hoodie as all of the sudden a short, black haired girl appears from around a bookshelf. The wind circling around her causes her hair to whip in all directions, and when she meets your gaze, she scowls, eyes flicking downward. You follow her stare, and note that she’s looking at how you’re clinging onto Namjoon, but right now you’re too scared to care.

She looks about ready to kill.

“—and the guys made me report her to the police and I got a restraining order, so I was hoping that would help. I also haven’t been around any girls in a while since then, but—”

“Namjoon!” you yell just as Namjoon’s crazy stalker screams out, “YOU BITCH!”

At that, Namjoon finally turns around and realizes that his worst fear has come true.

“Oh, fuck.”

“Don’t think I didn’t see you the other day!” she exclaims, rage in her eyes, and when she sees both your and Namjoon’s confused faces she continues on, “Before that attack on campus! I saw you two holding each other in front of the mathematics building!”

You and Namjoon glance at each other, confusion in Namjoon’s eyes and realization in yours, as you remember how you had bumped into him and he’d steadied you. Of the few interactions you’d even had with Namjoon she’d managed to see that?!

“Listen,” you try to explain, holding your hands up calmly, “we’re just—”

At that moment, she flicks her finger and a small blade of wind careens towards you. Instinctively, getting a bad feeling, you move out of the way, gasping in surprise when you feel a small wound open on the side of your neck. Namjoon stares in shock, watching as blood begins to trickle down your skin. The wound isn’t that deep, but still—if you hadn’t moved out of the way…

“Hey, stop. This is going too far,” he finally speaks up, finding his voice and standing his ground. Namjoon steps in front of you, his hand lifting backwards to push you closer to his side, and at the protective gesture the girl’s rage intensifies.

The wind around her spirals out of control, whipping books off of shelves and even causing a few to topple. Nearby you hear screams, and thankfully someone yelling about how they’re going to get the building security.

“Obviously you’re more than friends!” the crazy screams again, taking a step forward. “I saw her buy you a coffee, and she’s wearing high-tops too!”

“Oh my god,” Namjoon groans, but before you can ask what wearing converse has to do with any of this, the girl lashes out her arms. Cursing, Namjoon jumps in front of you, taking the brunt of the damage as a painfully strong wave of wind causes you both to go flying. Your back hits a bookcase and you fall to your knees, but you know staying here is too dangerous, so you grab Namjoon’s wrist and begin to run.

The girl yells after you, but obviously she doesn’t know the aisles of books better than Namjoon, who quickly takes the lead. After a few moments of running you exit the maze of bookshelves, and Namjoon dives behind a nearby computer station, tugging you with him.

You fall to your knees, bracing yourself against his chest as he winces and tries to catch his breath. It’s at that point you notice the cuts in the back of his sweatshirt, and the shallow gashes that line the skin of his back beneath.

“She can uh, turn her wind into blades if she concentrates it enough,” he explains, and you grip his shoulders, bending down to look him in the eyes.

“Namjoon, what the fuck! Why is she—what does Converse have to do with any of this??”

“Oh, so,” he sighs, looking a little embarrassed. “In order to reject her I told her that I have a kink for Converse and only date people who wear high-tops—”

“Oh…my god.”

“—which I made up, but at the time the girl I was going on dates with actually did wear high-tops, so…that’s what started the bloody shoelace thing.”

“As in ‘here is what your white shoelaces are gonna look like if you continue getting it on with my man’?” you clarify, and he frowns in distaste.

“I suppose so.”

“Freaky.”

“Yep,” he agrees, and then pulls you in closer to him when he hears the psycho girl scream, a huge gust of wind blowing through the area. You both hear any of the bookshelves that had remained standing crash against the floor in the background.

“So…run or continue hiding?”

“Security should be here soon, and if we run there’s a higher risk that she’ll be able to hit you with her wind. If we stay put I can at least protect you better,” he whispers, and when you open your mouth, likely going to tell him you don’t need him to protect you, he hushes you.

“I’m the one with the healing powers, remember?”

At that you find yourself with nothing to say, and simply remain hidden against Namjoon as you both wait for security arrive. Sadly, before they can, the girl finds you. She steps up right next to your hiding spot, eyes narrowing as she spots the way you and Namjoon are pressed together in fear.

“Fuck—”

“Run!” Namjoon interrupts, grabbing your wrist and pulling you to your feet. He pushes you ahead of him as you both make a dash for the staircase. Another lash of wind cracks against Namjoon’s back, and you hear him take a painful inhale of breath, stumbling, but he continues running right behind you.

And, finally, just as you both reach the staircase and jump down the first few steps, a group of 5 security men meet you half way.

“Wind powers,” you say out of breath, attempting to give them some kind of warning, and they nod. Preparing their taser guns, 4 of the guards rush onto the second floor, while the fifth guard grabs you both and escorts you downstairs. You hear the girl screaming in pain behind you, but don’t bother looking back. You simply wrap your arm around Namjoon’s middle and attempt to support him as his body begins healing his injuries.

An hour later, when the girl is finally taken into custody, you’ve given your statements to the police, the area of the attack has been documented, and Namjoon’s wounds have nearly healed, the police allow the both of you to return to the second floor of the building to retrieve your things.

“You okay?” you ask as you both carefully step over the rubble, digging your backpacks out from a pile of books.

“Yeah,” he confirms, turning to smile at you apologetically. “I…sorry you got dragged into all this.”

“Hey, no worries,” you laugh, “I know you didn’t mean for this all to happen.”

“True,” he says, quietly laughing as well, and hands you your backpack. You thank him with another smile, and then start back towards the stairs together. However, just as you’re about to reach the staircase, Namjoon grabs your wrist, stopping you. His cheeks are pink again, just like they had been earlier.

“I…I know you know I didn’t mean to drag you into this, but…I wanna make it up to you.”

You blink. “Make it up to me? How…?”

“Well I…I have the ability to heal other people too. It’s very, very minimal compared to my self-regeneration ability, but still…you got hurt because of me, so if you’d let me I’d like to heal you.”

“I mean…sure, Namjoon—”

“But, you have to close your eyes while I do it,” he interrupts, utterly serious, and you blink.

“Do you have to like…get naked to heal me or something?”

“No, nothing that strange,” he responds, breathing a laugh, and you roll your eyes.

“Fine, I trust you.”

At that, Namjoon smiles, apparently happy by your admission, and he leads you over to a table nearby. At his request, you hop up on the surface, setting your bag down, and Namjoon nods.

“Now close your eyes.”

Breathing deep, you do so. You can’t deny the fact that your heart begins beating quicker within your chest, nervous at not knowing what he’s doing, but also somewhat excited as well. Yet, you aren’t left waiting long, because soon enough you feel something press against your knee, and within seconds the dull ache from falling on the stairs earlier begins to soothe.

At first, you’re not sure exactly what part of him is touching you, but you soon realize when you feel his warm breath against your skin as he quietly questions you if your knee feels any better.

“Y-Yeah,” you answer, trying to keep a blush from rising to your cheeks, and, satisfied that he’s done what he can, Namjoon then grabs your wrist and lifts up your palm. He gets to work healing the small scrapes on your palm next, and when you feel his nose brush against your skin too, all of your thoughts are confirmed.

He heals people by kissing them.

Oh god.

“Like I said, my healing is only minimal, you’ll probably still be sore after this, or will have scabs, but it at least speeds up the process,” he mumbles against your skin, and you nod, wondering if he knows that basically breathing against your skin tells you exactly what he’s doing.

But, even so, at his request you keep your eyes closed. After all, he’d seemed pretty embarrassed about admitting this little extra advantage of his power.

“Two more,” he comments once he’s finished with your palm, and before you can even recall where your other two injuries are, his soft lips are pressed against the skin of your cheek. If his kiss wasn’t for the sole purpose of healing you, you’d probably be blushing furiously right now. Fuck, you may be anyway, but—

At that moment his fingers skim the line of your jaw, his lips leaving your cheek. He gently tilts your head to the side, and you feel his hair brush against your chin as his head dips down, lips pressing softly against the area on your neck which had been cut earlier.

Your breath actually catches in your throat at the feeling, and your fingers grip the edge of the table, heart skipping a beat in surprise when you feel Namjoon begin molding his lips against the sensitive skin.

Oh god.

This one feels a little different than the other kisses.

“N-Namjo—”

“Hyung! Y/N! Are you ok?! I heard that—”

A voice suddenly calls, footsteps pounding up the stairs, and your eyes fly open just in time to see Taehyung appear. He looks out of breath, worry creasing his face, but immediately his words stop and the worry fades into something more…smug when manages to catch sight of Namjoon kissing your neck right before the older male jumps back.

“OOoooooh!! Hyung you sly dog!” He cackles, grinning ear to ear, and Namjoon’s face flushes bright red.

“Taehyung, it’s not what you think! I—!”

“Oooooh! Time to tell the group chat!” He teases, grabbing his phone from his pocket, and Namjoon is immediately in action. He grabs his bag and makes a dash for Taehyung, but before he can get there Taehyung tosses his phone into the air, and, in a blur of motion, suddenly transforms into a hawk. He catches his phone in his mouth and then soars over the balcony down to the first floor. Namjoon curses, chasing after him, and you’re left sitting there in shock.

Then, finally, you find that all you can do is laugh.

Truly…what are these boys?

[TaeTae]: FOUND NAMJOON HYUNG KISSING Y/N IN THE LIBRARY. RIP

[H O B I]: WOAH WHAT

[Jeon Seagull]: Hyung how could you

[Agust D]: Couldn’t keep it in your pants, Joon, could you?

[Old Guy Jin]: Can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Didn’t think Joon would be the first though

[TaeTae]: …wot

[ChimChim]: “the first”/???

[RM]: Holy shit all of you shut the fuck up. I was HEALING HER.

[Jeon Seagull]: MHMMMMMM

[RM]: I’m going to murder all of you. It wasn’t even a real kiss

[TaeTae]: Oh, just kissing her neck then?

[H O B I]: whatttttttttt

[The Only Girl]: omg all of you stop. He really was healing me.

[Agust D]: that’s what he made you think lmao

[RM]: GUYS

[The Only Girl]: and if you technically want to talk about “the first” you’ll have to talk to Jimin

[ChimChim]: omg Y/N NO

[TaeTae]: WHAT

[The Only Girl]: he used his powers on me to make me feel attraction towards him so I kissed his cheek

[ChimChim]: Y/N NOOOOOOO

[The Only Girl]: Walking into work now BAIIIIIIIIIIIII

[Agust D]: ….Jimin

[Old Guy Jin]: smh

[RM]: you motherfucker

[Jeon Seagull]: Better lock your door tonight hyung

[TaeTae]: I second that

[ChimChim]: IT WAS JUST A JOKE. GUYS PLEASE.

[Jeon Seagull]: No mercy

[ChimChim]: fuCK

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now

TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah- 

This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan. This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished. Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, so today was pretty good, fun Memorial Day. Slept in of course, woke up sometime around noon and just laid in bed being lazy for a while before getting up and getting some breakfast. Around 2 or so my roommates two friends showed up, and we hung out for a while, they played guitar hero, before we grabbed our grilling supplies and headed outside. We don't exactly have a patio, it's more like a decently sized concrete rectangle behind our apartment building, which is kind of sad because like, all the houses around us have these awesome decks behind them, but hey, we'll take it. My roommate bought this dinky little grill for like $20 at target or Walmart, and by the time we even get the charcoal in it a bolt had like flown off the handle and two of the leg pads were off, lol, but hey, non-essential parts. The grill just fit 7 burgers, 6 in a ring on the outside and 1 in the middle, and like, I'm talking JUST fit lol. There wasn't one square inch left unused on this grill. They decided to just cook all the meat and divide shit later, I know literally nothing about grilling anything (I'm like watching them with the lighter fluid and in the back of my mind thinking about the jimmy johns commercial with lighter fluid and thinking "that was a gas grill, not a charcoal grill, right?") so I'm just going with it. So we sit and grill, when the burgers are done we do some brats and hot dogs, and we just chilled out next to it. Somewhere along the line I felt the sun on my back and knew if I didn't do something I would get a sunburn, so I ran back upstairs and got the little stick of sunscreen I keep in my purse (year round, cuz you never know) and tried to get it to cover all the space on my back not covered by clothing, lol. The tank top I was wearing actually had a high back so there wasn't that much space left over, and I did a pretty good job covering it, I only ended up with one tiny spot of sunburn on my neck. I still haven't switched my clothing over to summer clothes since its been so cold, something I'll have to figure out when I pack to leave on Friday and spend the next two weeks in New York. But today was obviously going to be in the 70s and we were gonna be outside for a decent amount of time, so I put on the like, one tank top I had in my drawer and grabbed a single pair of shorts from my giant suitcase I use for clothes storage (lol I have too much clothing) and wore those. I guess we'll see how the rest of the week goes in terms of weather and whether (lol) I'll fully switch over. I should technically have time after work, maybe Wednesday when I don't have PT, since prison break having its finale should really be the last of my tv shows still airing (I guess you could count the Handmaid's tale but I'm not like dying to watch those episodes ASAP) but I tend to be emotionally drained after work and don't want to do that kind of stuff, which is why the laundry I did last weekend still isn't put away and there's an ever growing pile of dirty clothes on my floor (sigh). But, anyway. Once all the meat was cooked we decided to eat inside, so we closed the grill to try and put out the rest of the fire (again, no idea how grilling works). So we go back inside and I get a hamburger (or I guess cheeseburger, we only had shredded cheese so the cheese was kind of weak but it still existed) and a hot dog since we have so many of both, I ended up taking like two bites of the burger before deciding it just wasn't doing it for me, but the hot dog was pretty good (I've traditionally been a hot dog person, though I do like burgers). We continued to hang out for a bit longer and I ended up making funfetti cupcakes using the cake mix I keep on hand for baking purposes and the hacks I know to make cake mix cakes taste better (because I'm a pro like that). They turned out pretty good and were quick enough, so now we have cupcakes as well. The boys hung out for a little while longer before heading out, my roommate going with when of them (being that she seems to spend most of her time at his apartment anyway) so I had the place to myself and decided it was time for more Young Justice, and ended up finishing the second season and consequently the show for the time being at least, until season 3 comes out some time next year. I definitely enjoyed it, and now I want to watch the other justice league animated shows that exist lol because I love my superheroes. I liked the plot, though I found it kind of amusing that they were handling this giant threat to earth when most of the Justice league's major players were totally off earth and indisposed, like did they have any contact with them during that time?? Their whole trial, or the small pieces we saw of it, was rather amusing for me to watch (especially their apparent having no idea what the concept of mind control is and their non-existent appeals process) from a legal perspective, lol. I liked the whole blue beetle storyline, I pretty much only know him from the like, single smallville episode he was in and that's not much so it was cool to see his character more. For most of the season I wasn't buying that they'd kill off one of their main characters, at least as far as the "deaths" they faked, but in the finale I did remember hearing that they had killed off (spoiler obviously) Wally West and his death felt much more legit all around, although probably sadder being that they were kind of teasing Artemis' life being in peril all season only for him to get killed instead. Aqualad going undercover was all sorts of awesome, as was their showdown battle at the summit between the light and the reach, where aqualad supposedly "dies" and then hologram him outs everything the light has been doing to betray the light (and vice versa to some extent) and Vandal Savage is like I HAVE NEVER BEEN BETRAYED THIS BADLY IN 50,000 YEARS OF LIVING because that was just amazing (and of course he comes back to life like two seconds later). So I basically just all around approved of the show and thoroughly enjoyed it. I guess it's back to The Keepers for now, though I may find something else to intersperse it with. It's a good show, it's just both heavy and dry which doesn't make it the best for always binging, but one of my podcasts is talking about it in next week's episode so I do want to finish it. And yeah, that was basically the rest of my night as I was also only my computer doing my normal computer stuff and reading fanfic which I'm still not at all caught up on. Oh, I should tell you I did get my LARC grade back, though I'm in no hurry to announce it because I was pretty thoroughly pissed off about it. I mean, it very clearly could've been worse, a B is not the end of the world, it just felt very frustrating in this particular circumstance given how much work I put into that class and how much it felt like our professor was not at all invested in the class and it was very much an afterthought to her actual law firm job, and like I got better grades in LARC last year with a(n objectively) better and harder professor, and a B ties con law from my first semester as the worst grade I've gotten in law school, so I'm not happy that now there will be two of them on my transcript (and 1 B+, but that's different). I know I'm probably overreacting to something that really doesn't matter that much at all, it just irks me and it makes me mad that it'll definitely make my GPA drop (though I'm not sure by how much) and probably make my ranking drop, even if only by 5% or so, putting me back in the top 15%. I was just so happy to be in the top 10% that dropping back to where I was after first year feels very frustrating. It's my second worse semester grade wise, just barely beating out my first semester (3 A-'s and a B versus 1 A, 2 A-'s, and a B) which is annoying in terms of progress (considering last semester I got 3 A's and 1 A-) but I guess it's bound to vary depending on what classes you take and how challenging they are. Like I said, I'm probably overreacting to what really doesn't mean much at all, I'd just hate to think a prospective employer would see that and think my legal writing skills are subpar because of it when I've been proven in actual real courtroom experience to have solid legal writing skills, which I of course worked very hard to get. Idk, it's just frustrating. I'm not sure what my GPA for the semester would be, probably somewhere around a 3.55 (given that my first semester GPA was a 3.5) which shouldn't bring down my overall GPA of 3.7 too much, maybe just to 3.67 or something, which hopefully won't kill my ranking all that much, but I was right on the border of 10% as is and the qualifying GPA normally goes up every semester so I kind of doubt I would hit it again. *sigh* idk, we'll see, speculating about it probably doesn't do any good, and I've clearly ranted about it for long enough here when that's not going to solve anything. It is what it is, and I'll deal. Worse things have happened to me grade wise (like the nightmare that was junior year of college). But yeah, that was pretty much my day. Now I just have 4 days (or 3 3/4, since I'll probably leave a little early on Friday to get to the airport in time) of work to get through until I have 2 weeks off in NY with my family and friends. I'm aware of my previous musings on here of how I romanticize going home to be better than it is in reality, but I'm still looking forward to it as some time off being that I pretty much jumped right into work this summer and I'm definitely feeling the lack of break. I'm hoping that will help with my overall feeling towards work, cuz it's not all that great right now, which doesn't bode well for my future in this business, especially if I end up wanting to work for this office and will undoubtedly be keeping a similar 9-5 5 days a week schedule year round. I guess at some point I'll have to get over it. This is long and it's late, I should go to bed now, so I guess that's what I'll do now. Goodnight peeps. Hope you had a good Memorial Day.

[daysafternights]

And we’ll take it slow, and we grow as we go

Okay guess I took long enough hiatus from everything so I am back to update on my overall COVID plus CB plus upcoming months thoughts. To be very honest, I don't really know what is going on with my life cause I am just living everyday as it is without plan or goal in mind. Ever since e-learning kicks in, I clearly lost my motivation to study properly especially when this semester has only nursing mod and the rest are pretty much arts. Zero interactions make classes really boring and stupid. While despite all that, I did try and put in effort okay since my life is at stake. 

COVID became worse like duh. So CB came in. Life is pretty shit at home tbh. Fucking hate it when you have siblings that behaved like they are never in the wrong, like nothing really matters and world revolves around them. Either that, or I am the one with issues. I starting questioning if I am actually the one with problems instead. So everyday waking up is just another battle to see who can pretend nothing happened or see if anyone is gonna piss you off. & honestly the ones getting hurt will be the ones that care or give too much shit about this home. So honestly, studying wasn't even on my mind. Rushed both my lit review and written assignment in 3 days. Amazing is that I got an A for lit review. LOL. Results coming out real soon so I can only pray for the best after all I am still in debt to MOHH right. 

So should I thank CB? Maybe. I have so much time to myself I don't know what to do. People know me should know that I am a very very lazy person. Tbh, I missed army so much despite all the shits I had to deal with. Schedules are fixed and life is structured and you just need to focus on your tasks and if you are lucky, you get a bunch of real fun people to work with. So life was a disaster for me during CB cause literally not doing anything productive. While scrolling Instagram and seeing everyone setting goals and learning new skills. & that fking low esteem me kicks in. *roll eyes* Conclusion I learnt nothing new during CB and I continue to waste my life away. 

Also, I tend to overthink things and actually more like just a habit of analysing and thinking things whenever I see or read something and its tiring. I don't even know how I was able to acquire this habit. So CB was a fucking tiring period and I don't even want to text people cause I will end up thinking about all their replies. Also, there were and are so many things happen along with CB and you are just so overwhelmed with these news. Maybe caused I got nothing to do anyway and these are the things that I could bother anyway. So I tried so hard not to do anything and get myself started on this and pretty much explained why I love to do nothing and watch dramas or movies to fill up my mind instead. 

One thing I guess I learnt is that I might be actually emotionally needy. *roll eyes plus pathetic look* How to explain that? Like I do need human interactions and like deep conversation or rather just listening to someone sharing their bits and pieces. So I felt kinda not myself, easily irritated, losing temper and just wanted to go somewhere and get some fresh air. But but but, it might just be cabin fever. I'm not too sure. Just feel sorry for myself sometimes. *cue sad music* Also, another thing is I have this very bad habit of setting my own expectation on others. Like cause of my own principles/values/mindset/attitudes/etc, I tend to expect others to behave certain ways. & I get emotional/affected/annoyed/tired when they didn't do that. I didn't realise till one friend kindly pointed out to me. So I have been making conscious effort regarding this issue cause its not fair to expect someone to live up to your expectation anyway and why should they even do that in the first place. Its not like my expectation is definitely the right way to go anyway. 

So this brings me to my next point that I am so confused with trying to understand myself. So I don't blame people when they get annoyed/angry/frustrated/confused by me caused even myself can't figure out let alone you who ain’t me. So I guess this is pretty much life. A journey where you go on and trying to figure yourself out. 

Aside all these, there is indeed a period during CB where I got really negative cause of all the reasons above and also Grindr (play a stupid role as well). LOL. I actually wonder if I disappeared, would anyone actually feel sad. Read the Punggol murder case and I wondered what happened if that was me instead and really the only person that flashed through my mind was my mum. Anyway, I am fine. I learnt that I yearn for love so much that I behave like a pathetic beggar. Looking back at everything I had once done before, I feel sorry for my old self. So I took this chance and told myself to stop trying, it is never worth your effort. Self love is more important than anything else. Because the only only person that will accompany till your death is yourself. I am learning and this is pretty tough given how I had grown up and personality wise. (Or am I finding excuses for myself again?) 

And also, CB gave me a deeper understanding of “those who mind don't matter, those who matter wouldn't mind.” So I thank all the people who actually help me in one way or another. Like whether they know it or not, actions/words that they had given or done matter to me a lot. 

So CB ended and everyone’s life pretty much change. Will be going attachment from next week onwards and then school is gonna start soon. Gonna be a Yr3 student real fast and also am already 24. Super worried for attachment because the last proper attachment was 2019 May. LOL. I am not gonna kill anyone I hope and I hope the nurses will be kinder despite them burning out and most prob dying at work :’( 

Probably gonna try to update once a week now. Yes, I will try to live up to this newly made promise. Cheers to better days.