#just a past life version of them
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Honestly I have this strange urge to write BITTWBBBTF/ We will Meet Again with that mood of calm sadness... like it has its violent, shocking, horrific moments, but also things that would vaguely resemble memories of a lifetime before....
I don't know if I'm making much sense--
#mara posts#rise of the school for good and evil#fall of the school for good and evil#sge#school for good and evil#rafal mistral#rhian mistral#mara writes#ocish?#although koa and the Great Dragon are basically Rafal and Rhian#just a past life version of them#so they are the twins but also no#?
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my personal headcanon is the vees were unremarkable nobodies when they were alive. i just love it as a thematic throughline for them. they love to let the public of hell speculate on them being famed and acclaimed since before death, but the the truth is they were a d-list failed influencer that got by on cheap controversey and scamming, a broke junkie who burned every shaky bridge he ever had, and a worn-out broadcast production assistant with more rejected auditions and tossed out script pitches than he could count. nobody missed them when they were gone, nobody cared who they were until they were dead.
#because villains who didn't start off supremely powerful are more interesting to me#vees#it's not that they CAN'T be better. or that they're simply ignorant of the ways they fuck up others lives#they actually all do have that knowledge of being the underdog. and it's made them all the more shitty#because they never want to be those people again#narratives about people who make each other worse <3#to be clear they were still shitty people in life. manipulative. consumed by greed and envy. all their individual flaws etc etc#but hell made them into the absolute worst versions of themselves#of course what their Worst Self is and the journey/length of time/initial reaction to being in hell varies#like val sees hell as a continuation of the things happening in life. just w/ the power dynamics always privileging him#it's the same drugs and violence. except the violence isn't just survival anymore but the chance to indulge his deeply sadistic desires#vox has completely dissociated from his time alive. that person is dead and he's reinvented himself 1000 times over since then#90% of the time he has those memory files shoveled into a hidden directory#he refuses to acknowledge that he's still haunted by some of the same insecurities from almost a century ago#val doesn't necessarily see his living self in a fond light but he does see that person as fundamentally him#velvette thinks life was full of people who weren't her demographic but fortunately that's been fixed by sinners!#they just couldn't Get Her and that was all their faults#the primary way they view their past selves can be summed up as: scorn (vox) apathy (valentino) and in denial (velvette)#sorry the bulk of the post was in the tags. i will be doing this again#the scorn is the coping mechanism for shame. of course
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Wei Wuxian and Narrative Agency – Part Three
For Xiantober Day Five: Past and Present, in which the author gets very unhinged about what parts of the past are shown and how that’s affected by the present!
(Part One | Part Two | Full version on AO3)
The Power of Agency: Shaping the Narrative
When I've discussed Wei Wuxian's agency previously, I’ve talked about how what’s shown and omitted tells us about a character, and we’ve talked about the character himself. Though this is a niche topic, it’s not necessarily something out of the ordinary to analyse, and we can assume everything up to here has been in some way intentional.
This? Linking structure to a character’s in-universe preferences?
This is where we get unhinged.
Before I start, let’s quickly establish something which will be important later: although Wei Wuxian is the central character, MDZS isn’t strictly from his POV. While omitting events a character doesn’t like to dwell on and concealing things the character wishes to hide is common in books with only one narrator, MDZS has multiple narrators which it switches between relatively quickly. This includes Wei Wuxian, but it also includes nearly every major character that appears in the story, and omniscient narrator as well. As a default, this format doesn’t lead to this deliberate shaping and omission because of one character’s preferences, since we have many other sources of information and events – which is what makes Wei Wuxian’s influence over the narrative and structure so interesting. We could have access to a lot more information, and access to it at different times, than we do (and that’s not an insult, quite the opposite!).
To begin: we’ve established that times such as Wei Wuxian’s time on the streets, his three months in the Burial Mounds and his loss in the Siege aren’t shown because Wei Wuxian has little agency there. But that’s not the only special thing about them. They’re also the three most traumatic times in his life, and so moments Wei Wuxian himself either can’t remember, or doesn’t like to dwell on.
This is why discussing Wei Wuxian’s treatment of tragedy in his life was important. Firstly, it shows he doesn’t focus on the tragedy in his life, so the idea that the narrative not focusing on this tragedy relates to his character has merit; secondly, it affirms that this is not a passive trait, but a choice. Therefore, when the narrative omits events due to this aspect of Wei Wuxian, it’s respecting not only a character detail – which would be cool by itself – but also an active decision. One that shapes the story it’s made in.
In other words, its very structure is respecting Wei Wuxian’s agency!
Now, of course there are flashbacks to other moments of his past he probably wouldn’t like to dwell on, too. But within the structure, they’re only shown when Wei Wuxian is thinking about them (or when he has reason to)!
Wei WuXian hadn’t woken up yet. His eyes were still tightly shut, yet his hand didn’t let go either. He seemed to be dreaming, muttering, “… Don’t… Don’t be angry…” Lan WangJi seemed somewhat surprised. His voice was gentle, “I am not angry.” Wei WuXian, “… Oh.” Hearing this, as though he finally felt assured, his fingers loosened. Lan WangJi sat beside Wei WuXian for a while. Seeing that he was motionless again, he was about to stand up when Wei WuXian grabbed him with his other hand, hugging his arm and refusing to let go. He shouted, “I’ll go with you, quick, take me back to your sect!” Chapter 63, EXR translation
Which, of course, is him dwelling on…
Lan WangJi spoke one word at a time, “Go back to Gusu with me.” Hearing this, both Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng were surprised. Quickly afterward, Wei WuXian laughed, “Go back to Gusu with you? To the Cloud Recesses? Why go there?” He immediately seemed to realize, “Oh. I forgot. Your uncle Lan QiRen hates crooked people like me. You’re his proudest disciple, so of course you’re the same as him, haha. I refuse.” Chapter 62, EXR translation
…the painful flashback immediately preceding this. The third set of flashbacks (which are also painful) are a similar case. Look at the contex:
He lifted the bottom of his robe, revealing a prosthetic leg made of wood, “This leg of mine was destroyed by you, that night in the Nightless City (…)” (…) “Wei WuXian, I won’t ask you if you remember or not. Both of my parents died by your hands. You owe too many people. You definitely won’t remember them either. But, I, Fang MengChen, will never forget! And never forgive you!” (…) “In the fight at Qiongqi Path, my son was strangled to death by your dog Wen Ning!” “My shixiong died by poison, his entire body festering due to your cruel curse!” Chapter 68 (immediately preceding the flashbacks), EXR translation
And Wei Wuxian’s own thoughts and words:
Wei WuXian looked at the cultivators before the Demon-Slaughtering Cave. Their expressions were the absolute same as those of the cultivators from the night of the pledge conference, pouring their wine on the ground as they took the pledge to scatter the ashes of the Wen Sect’s remnants and him. (…) Wei WuXian, “Now it’s time to ask just whom it is that treasures it so much. It’s like Wen Ning. Back then, some certain sects or so were scared to death of the Ghost General. They said they’d kill him on the surface, but behind their backs they hid him for over ten years. How strange. Who was the one that said his ashes had been scattered back then?” Chapter 79 (immediately succeeding the flashbacks), EXR translation
Once again, Wei Wuxian’s own thoughts relate to the flashbacks we’ve just been shown. And, as I previously mentioned, though all the events which are shown are tragic, they’re also events which Wei Wuxian’s own choices and actions shaped – which he has this to say about:
“The things I did, not only do you remember them, I remember them too. You won’t forget them, and they’ll stay even longer in my mind!” Chapter 82, EXR
Admittedly, this applies more to the third set of flashbacks than the second (which is still fitting as the third set was the most recent), as in the second, although he still had agency within and influence over his circumstances, the majority of the pain was caused by others’ actions (excluding, of course, the Golden Core transfer… which is something we know stays for a long time in his mind, albeit with a caveat we’ll soon discuss). But it’s still important to note – especially considering that otherwise, focusing on this very painful time in his life wouldn’t seem like something very in-character for Wei Wuxian to do.
Of course, this can all just be explained by good writing. It is best to insert flashbacks when they’re relevant to the characters and events in the present day! But it is interesting to compare these to the start of the (not painful) Gusu flashbacks, which open this way:
At a later time, Wei WuXian pondered upon the reason why his relationship with Lan WangJi wasn’t good. Getting to the root of the matter, everything started when he was fifteen, coming to the GusuLan Sect with Jiang Cheng to study for three months. Chapter 13, EXR
Again, considering the circumstances around which these flashbacks take place – returning to the Cloud Recesses for the first time since the lectures, and meeting Lan Wangji once more – it makes complete sense for Wei Wuxian to be thinking about these events*. So it does fit the pattern of Wei Wuxian dwelling on something, thus leading to the narrative dwelling on it, too (and being shaped by his thoughts)… but there’s another layer to this. Importantly, it is the only flashback where Wei Wuxian’s present thoughts don’t lead to this happening, with his thoughts at an unspecified future time leading to it, instead. I like to interpret this as the text saying that, since these events aren’t something Wei Wuxian wouldn’t focus on in normal circumstances, he can dwell on them at any time. Therefore, they’re free to come up in the narrative at any time as well, even if he’s not dwelling on them in the present moment!
So, to summarise: Wei Wuxian’s decision not to focus on the painful times in his life directly influences the narrative to not focus on these times. When painful times are brought up and shown to us, it’s in the context of him thinking about them in the present day, and even then, his most painful moments still aren’t shown to us. His agency in this regard is still respected by the narrative structure.
This is the main way his agency influences the structure of the narrative, but I’d like to talk about the revealing and concealing of information, too. For example, I said I’d talk about the Golden Core transfer – though Wei Wuxian does think about this many times, as evidenced by his internal narration in Chapter 103. But unlike everything we’re shown through the flashbacks, this is something Wei Wuxian is actively trying to hide from others. And the narrative respects this choice (Wei Wuxian’s agency, again), never reveals it even when it would be relevant in the flashbacks, and we find out not through narration, but through a character’s dialogue!
And to clarify – I know these aspects may not be in the book for this exact reason. Showing flashbacks in relevant moments is good writing, concealing an important plot point you want to do a reveal for is necessary writing, and MXTX has said she didn’t want to write about Wei Wuxian’s time in the Burial Mounds, due to not liking to write transformation sequences (and also because it would not be pleasant at all, which likely also applies to Wei Wuxian’s death). That doesn’t prevent it from also being intentional – MXTX’s intelligence is shown in many aspects of this book, and there’s nothing disproving it – but there’s no proof for either option, so I won’t pretend there is. I bring this up because I know this feels like I’m overanalysing, as I feel that way as well.
But, whether it’s intentional or not, it exists in the text, and I adore it – so, regardless, it’s something I’ll explore. Because taking this into account… We aren't just told about Wei Wuxian having agency, we aren’t just shown it in the text, we aren’t even just shown it through which parts of his past are shown and hidden in the structure of the text (as I talked about in Part One). The parts of the past that are shown and hidden also have an in-universe reason for being shown and hidden, this reason being the choices he makes! Agency is the ability of a character to influence the story they’re in, but Wei Wuxian’s agency, as a property of a character who only exists in-universe, shapes the out-of-universe structure as well! That’s how we’re shown its importance! How cool is that?
At The End Of The Road: Summary and Final Thoughts
In this essay, we’ve covered how important Wei Wuxian’s agency is not only to the events of the plot, but to the structure of the narrative as well. The narrative omits periods in which Wei Wuxian has little or no agency, in favour of showing us periods in which he does, even when important events happened in the former. This indicates that who Wei Wuxian is without agency isn’t important enough to be shown to the audience, and therefore that his agency is an integral aspect of his character in MDZS. We’ve discussed how both in-universe and out-of-universe, tragedy does not define him – out-of-universe, the tragic events in Wei Wuxian’s life are used not to build sympathy but rather to show his strength of character and who he still is despite going through them; and in-universe, he chooses not to focus on the negativity and resentment caused by his circumstances or others’ actions, instead staying true to his moral compass and enjoying his life in the present day. Finally, we’ve also explored how this choice is another reason for the omission of certain events from the narrative, resulting in his agency shaping the story in a very literal way – it affects the out-of-universe structure, as well.
It’s quite fitting, for a story whose essence is about defying a conventional narrative – that of righteous clans rising up and defeating a great evil – and about a character who defies many conventional narratives on his own – that of status defining how skilled you could be, that for a golden core being necessary for cultivation and other paths being unavailable, that of a tragic but complete story of someone killed for staying true to their moral code (instead, that character returns to life and has a happy ending) – to have its own narrative play a role in such an important and interesting way.
(Or, if an image would be preferable:)
Thank you for reading!
(Part One | Part Two | Full version on AO3)
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*This strong relation to the present day circumstances is another reason I love the flashback placement so much (and why I think it’s such a loss both screen adaptions altered it so strongly)!
#get ready for tag thoughts because there are a LOT of them#it’s for THIS reason that fanon wwx bothers me so much (didn’t want to get negative on the acual post)#bc so often all the changes are changes that woobify him!#self-sacrificial idiot wwx?? only doing things because… poor him he has so many internal issues and values himself so little-#-so of course he’d sacrifice everything before thinking of another option? woobifying#(whenever he sacrifices something it’s a deliberate choice to act on his morals because he values his morals so much – and he’s also very-#-capable and DOES often find ways for no people to get hurt!)#wasn’t aware that what happened to him at lotus pier was wrong and needs lwj to tell him that for him to have any idea if it?#woobifying (as we see in the lotus seed pod extra he KNOWS it’s unfair)#(he downplays it retroactively in his memory (links into not focusing on the bad things in his life))#(but that’s the actions themselves that are being downplayed not their fairness!)#he chooses to act! he is defined by acting! not tragedy – all the more impressive in the face of the amount of tragedy that’s happened#he could SO EASILY have been a woobie but instead he’s the opposite of one: defined BY his agency instead of the absence of it#that doesn’t mean he’s not impacted by tragedy or trauma – he is! but it’s not the most important aspect of his character (bc he doesn’t le#it’s also something that bothers me about the changes cql made#by making qq path and nightless city the fault of someone else it means he IS someone who’s more a victim of circumstance than anything els#he had no control over the tragedies of his first life at all#apart from ig his death being controlled by him? because he just leaps off the cliff during the nightless city siege?? but in THAT case it’#i watched that part recently (i’m getting through it very slowly) and yeah it reaffirmed my love for this aspect of the book even more#despite. having these exact thoughts for two years already#he also dwells on the past events a lot more than book wwx which adds to that version of him BEING defined more by tragedy rather than who#anyway over 7.3k words total (and 400 more in the tags apparently)... it'll be posted to ao3 in its completion this evening!#mdzs meta#my meta#wei wuxian#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#魔道祖师#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#gdc
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An AWS comic
#My art#For the record I am not a medical professional and as far as I know AWS isn't even something you can be diagnosed with???#It's so hard to describe what the two sensory hallucinations really *FEEL* like#Like the time one... You know how a dramatic slow motion scene looks like in an anime?#It's like that but if you made it a 60 fps interpolated version of it#It is an absolutely bizarre feeling#Meanwhile the hyper awareness and everything feeling intense feels like how a fisheye lens shot in an anime feels#No I could not be bothered to try to figure out how to draw that for this comic#For the record I haven't actually had those visual hallucinations since I was a small small child#Hell I don't even think I had any hallucinations in my teens at all like#The sensory ones just kinda started happening again in the past 7 years or so?#Also the swelling sensation I've only had once so far. Usually I get the hyper awareness sensation#(Also sometimes I get this intense feeling of swaying when I go to bed but that might not be an AWS thing??)#(Like there's other things that could make you feel like you're rocking on a boat when laying down so I didn't include that)#No I have never talked to anyone about these hallucinations because for the longest time I didn't know what they were#And they are like. Harmless. Like I'm 100% aware they're just strange sensations but not real at all#They last max 15 minutes if even that long and they happen like super rarely#Only once have I had the hyper awareness be SO INTENSE it made me feel distressed#So like. It doesn't really affect my life at all? So why bother with it?#Also IDK if I could even go to a doctor and ask about AWS and have them know what that even is#And even if I could as far as I know there is no treatment for it so like. Whatever#As long as I don't start having distressing hallucinations or visual hallucination's I'll be fiiiiiine
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I'm so so so curious about the scarian possible love story? in this!!! Tell me more please!!!!
Thank you!! ^-^
So the actual emotional plot between Grian and Scar is currently in heavy development, because I have So Many Feelings about this duo (/pos) and I want to make sure to fit in as much of my thoughts on them as possible in, while also making everything make sense narratively ^-^;;
(But if you want an idea of the headspace I've been in while thinking about these two specifically, here's the song I've been listening to on repeat as I think about Them: Born Without A Heart by Faouzia)
In my plot, they're both haphazardly trying to both recreate and process the memories they have of their other selves' relationships, while coming at it from completely different angles, and holding a lot of resentment towards each other based on the half-remembered wrongs done against their counterparts by the other person's counterparts.
They also forget an incredibly important point, which is that those things may have been done by versions of the other person, but the other Trials did happen in... Different Universes. Different Worlds. Those versions of them are alternate iterations of them. Not them exactly!
So Scar isn't processing that just because he has memories of DL!Grian being a cheater doesn't mean that this Grian is a cheater (he isn't! and wouldn't be!). Meanwhile, Grian hasn't connected that just because 3L!Scar betrayed him without warning doesn't inherently mean that this Scar is fickle, or untrustworthy, or any of the nasty things Grian has thought about 3L!Scar when overwhelmed by that hurt so great is passed through dimensions
And all of that, in addition to them trying to prove to themselves that they somehow have value by "getting this person who didn't want them anymore to actually want them, and stay", means that for the first part of all of this, they're going to have a messy, on-again-off-again, chaotic relationship where they're saying the same thing but they just can't hear it
And it will be a gradual shift from that trashfire of a situation to them actually understanding who these versions of Grian and Scar are as people, and settling into a much less chaotic or toxic relationship
They will get there! But the how is slightly in flux ^-^;;
#the wild life god au#i hope this answered ur question! ^-^#but feel free to ask more details even tho not everything is set in stone#i love love love talking abt my writing process#so even if this isn't the 100% final idea. i still wouldn't mind sharing some things!#also i have some ideas of the other relationships that the two of them will have#most of them being platonic!#but honestly platonic relationships can be just as important to a character sometimes ^-^#like Mumbo and Grian! if it wasn't for Mumbo... this version of Grian wouldn't even *be* here#also speaking of the characters: someone pls send me an ask about this Scar's backstory /not forcing#please someone send me one (1) ask about his past#i. i wanna talk about it-#also if anyone wants to know which of the contestants have definitively met which gods... i have some of that figured out!#and etho actually has met a god that the other players haven't met. which is fun :3#it was years before the events of the story tho ^-^;;
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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toying with the idea of making yancey's friends not real. would that be too evil
#personal#hear me out. the diner is a mimic and it's toying with the entire town and making people oblivious and just. stuck in time metaphorically#it's known to make people hallucinate it's known to show things that aren't there. it can fuck with technology#yancey has. problems. he's sick with grief and pain and regret and sorrow from his past moving into a strange new town#and there's all these people there in the diner and they all remind him of some part of his life#stevie quite literally reminds him of his ex but stuck in the state before anything happened. stevie is a constant reminder of like#what could have been had they not crossed the line of getting together#his relationship with daphne (friendship mostly but he has a little crush on her at some point) is like#the romanticized version of the life he had in mind for him and his ex. yeah he gets a little bit insane with it but he loves very deeply#freddy is what he wished for his older brother to be like. their friendship is what he wishes he and his brother would be like#rafiq is basically yancey's ideal partner. yukiko reminds him of his younger sister#hell even teddy is connected to him because he and teddy are basically the same person. dealing with a situation very poorly#but teddy WOULD be real since he is part of CALAMITY so his connection to yancey if anything is like. on purpose#he is SUPPOSED to mirror yancey because that will make yancey realize things about himself#that only leaves morrigan as the only other real person in all of this. because she is the only one not connected to the diner#(freddy isn't either but since he's first introduced on the radio as radio host he is sort of connected to the town)#(in like a way the diner could influence that too. you know what i'm saying)#and morrigan's whole deal is that she's so so stuck in the past. trying to get back what is no more. and daphne is her sister#so daphne could even be a manifestation of yancey's and morrigan's shared grief#for yancey the romanticized relationship with his ex. for morrigan her sister who died in the wildfires#are you seeing my vision. the diner is defeated and it's just yancey morrigan and teddy. it's always been#no one else has been real the whole time. they've only interacted with one another or yancey. never with teddy or morrigan#(with exception of daphne who would have interacted with morrigan bc of shared manifestation)#and yancey acts like the others have never existed. because they haven't. and now that he's no longer#under the influence of the diner. he doesn't remember. haha#idk if i wanna go with this because some of them aren't as solidified as concepts as others but man. MANNNNN
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i have this "alter ego" that only exists in my head where essentially i am a fat sloppy drunk old fisherman with no loved ones living in misery & isolation & i often imagine myself as him especially in moments of patheticness
#& he is always a fisherman not a farmer not a fisherwoman either ( too badass... )#past life ?! caus my ♯azn side was all fishers & stuff like my grandfather ETC but like all of them looked anorexic instead of fat so#also i imagine the guy as kind of vaguely mediterranean looking so maybe not because that side of my family are mountain farmers#when i read the old man & the sea ( i hate hemingway BTW ♯NotPete ♯ActuallyMikey ) ( uhm sorry about that... )#i was like this is my life/future if it was better... 🚬 But that was a good while after i was already thinking of myself like that#closest thing i felt to a kin moment is when we analyzed miss brill like wow me & i am not even old that is genuinely just my life#as a (at the time) seventeen year old. & also carol ledoux from repulsion literally 100% only i am an ugly freak instead of beautiful#i pretty much never think of myself as myself in my head & actually never when i was younger up until age 9 i remember vividly#& i just had this thought while making my lazy “bite sized” onigiri ( bowl of seasoned rice +tunamayo +vache qui rit +avocado +spoon )#but even when i make the non lazy version i get so overwhelmed & irritated & SLOPPY i feel like a drunk old man with nothing to#live for#anyone else feel like this sometimes...#if any of you weeaboos judge my terminology by the way i will kill myself just FYI#IDCCCC about the actual name you know what i mean. quasi poke bowl but each “component” has its own dish. whatever OK...
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this is a formal apology for every time i've read ur fnaf theories, gone "ah... of course! yes!" and then forgotten to respond
This is a formal apology for every time I've read one of your asks, not immediately had a TQ&/E, and forgotten to respond
#The box can wait my questions that need to be answered are why there is already a body in a Fredbear suit before the Bite#and what can 'I will put you back together' mean solely within those four games#like yeah it's robot kids but it wasn't then#that isn't 'four games; one story' that's using the next game in the series to elaborate on the previous one#(and the then new addition of books)#also what the hell was Fnaf World on about but I think I'm the only person that's thought about Fnaf World in years#yeah yeah Happiest day it's about CC I got that WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE PLAYER WAS ONLY CREATED FOR THIS PURPOSE!!!#Okay yeah that's probably just an explanation for why the game exists but what the fuck is glitchy Fredbear#and why do *we* need to be told to rest#It's fucking important that they're clocks goddamnit#As of the Halloween update the story of Fnaf 4 still remained 'completely hidden'#So (I think) what Sister Location (AND THE SILVER EYES) tells us about it is the version of Fnaf 4 that the version of it that the communit#''''would accept''''#But the pieces didn't vanish into thin air after the custom night update for sister location dropped#And I think their being put together is reliant on the constant separation put between the GF kid and the rest of the MCI#And the body in the parts and service room#Could not tell you what CC saw though since I should hope that that kid's body hasn't been there for weeks#When I was talking about 'what if this isn't the first time CC had died' I mean basically dream theory with extra steps#I don't think I'm right but in literally every part of this franchise what is hammered in over an over is going into memories#and setting past events right to rest their soul#Happiest Day + Into the Pit being the biggest examples#And tangentially spirits not being fully anchored or aware after death#and reminding them of what happened to them involving crayon drawings and/or being shown their body#(The Fourth closet + Coming Home + the movie)#(and maybe Give Gifts Give Life....? it'd be stretchy)#Regardless of whether the Fnaf 4 gameplay and minigames are CC reliving the events leading to his death over and over as a wandering spirit#or pre-mortem nightmares or the effects of sound illusion disc gas on Micheal(/CC?) or any combination of the three or whatever else#I don't think the Crying Child's spirit was settled and aware until Happiest Day#(that being the first and only time a spirit is shown wearing a Fredbear mask and the kid has to put it on while the other four are already#And if for some godforsaken reason I am right about nightmare spirit journey Fnaf 4 then post Silver Eyes/Fourth Closet
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wait this is how i can still win
#now and again in the back of my mind i have the indulgent little witch academia / witch hat atelier “blend”#not a proper au. or nothing. purely an indulgent enjoyment of characters (qifrey&ursula. coco & akko) and overlapping themes#that are fun to think about but not meant to be thought of for too long/too seriously#but there was just me drawing a “shiny chariot” version of qifrey. which once again. indulgent....! hehehe ...#and of course. makes very little sense when thought of for more than a minute#because that man never in a million years would have had a past that involved Being a performer#/living any sort of life not in the shadows away from the eyes of the general public#but i refound an old post i read once before where this person translated qifrey character notes#and. one of them says#shirahamas original notes wrote his character as a teacher with bad posture and bad eyes#who was a famous witch who withdrew from the frontlines due to his eyes and lower back pain#The many iterations of this guy Ohh god its so funny. and he was in his 30s#FRIENDS IN THE WORLD PLEASE ... watch little witch academia with me#in due time
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amazon is off their shit w the way they put ads in everything i HATE how the new ‘premium model’ is just … without ads. like buy an amazon fire tv & have ads built into ur television. a billboard in ur living room
#stream#ads are fucking EVERYWHERR#like fire sticks have ads#KINDLES have ads#everything has a fucking AD !!!!!!!!!!#like honestly i was going to return the apple tv & just stick w the hdmi cable & my computer connected to it but it’s just#a) not feasible b) investing in the apple tv works bc im always on my fucking phone ALSKALKSLAKSLKSLA#my phone or ipad which r both apple#BUT ALAO THE STEAM DECK FOR APPLE TV#THEN U CAN STREAM UR WINDOWS COMPUTER ON THE TV#so yea there’s that at least#but the cost ….#it was over 200 FUCKIN POINDS#i hate my LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but i use this tv constantly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& i can just plug it into a separate monitor that i plan on getting at some point in the future !!!!!!!!!!!#bc i do need a separate monitor truthfully i do ive like a 13’’ computer & ive open a billion fuckin things at once#like i use my computer + ipad as 2 different computers but its a PAIN bc i can’t just ‘copy & paste’ over to the OTHER SCREEN#i don’t even LIKE amazon i HATE amazon w a PASSION#i just have to use it here bc the uk has destroyed themselves in terms of the high street#i.e. there are no more ‘business districts’ or liek ‘shopping districts’ bc a) rent too high b) interest rates too high c) nobody has any#fucking money d) amazon’s business model is to undercut EVERYONE to drive them out of business bc AMAZON IS A FUCKING MONOPOLY THAT THE US#ADAMANTLY REFUSES TO BREAK#like if u build & manufacture all ur own shit … in ur own factories … then send it to the customer … through ur OWN mail system … and SELL#it though ur own STORE FRONT ….. & SELL EVERYTHING ELSE THROUGH THE SAME WAY …..#ITS A MONOPOLY#like for example: the apple tv on amazon i got for 20£ less than apple even though they’re both#british#not ‘they’re both british’ i mean the apple tv are uk versions not us versions#apple: undercut. but also apple doesn’t change price per currency. 59$ for whatever is 59£ that’s it lol it’s not less bc $ is weaker
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what if perfect blue inspired salieri with identity issues (aka being plagued by ‘actual salieri’) and paprika inspired dantes hopping around dreams and psyche (in his younger cheerful rider form)
Idek if it’s taking place in canon or a completely separate au but like
dantes as a psychiatrist trying to help salieri so it turns into hide and seek in dreamscape with accidental falling in love both here and irl
#fate grand order#fgo#edmond dantes#antonio salieri#me being back with cracked edsali ideas let’s go#ANYWAY kinda relay more to modern au in this case#salieri being a partly amnesiac musician who survived an incident but came out traumatized#the way people compare him to ‘old’ him made him develop salieri of past that torments his mind as result#even tho salieri himself wants to move from old life and find new him#dantes being a psychiatrist with his own issues and alter ego that hops around dreamscape and psyche of patients and helps them#dantes irl slowly falling in love with salieri while his dreamscape version does the same with ‘old’ salieri#the way torments are creation of salieri’s psyche under pressure of his past self greatness#dantes discovers that it’s not the case and current salieri is a result of a failed suicide attempt#but old salieri did wish for new him or pursue his own aspirations and happiness if they survive#listen it’s just a big ass perfect blue x paprika crossover but gay don’t mind me
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i hope all of this pain and loss and grief will be worth it in the end
#★#ik it will be#just the number of ppl thatve come and gone over the past year#including old versions of myself#its jarring to recognize that i dont speak to some ppl anymore who i thought would be in my life for much longer#youd think id miss them but maybe ive made my peace w it all#i only hope they make it thru this life; not unscathed but at the very least without regret#and w contentedness and having experienced joy
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@notfredj I need you to know that you are picking up the clues exactly right about that fic. I wrote it on purpose to be ambiguously either “actual Midam daughter who Michael named after his brother because he has so many issues” and also “Lucifer got her grace torn out and is being raised by Midam as their daughter and this is Not Going Well”
#every line in that fic is me going ‘how do I make this make sense for both a genuine OC with identity issues and very weird dads AND#a version of lucifer with only the vague impression of her past being denied any information about herself in order for Michael & Adam to#Raise Her Better this time around’#and I think I succeeded for the most part#lucifer kate milligan I love u problems girl#I have a lot of thoughts on the practice of naming children after dead relatives. most of them negative. I think it shows lmao.#supernatural: oh isn’t it cute that Sam would name his son after his dead brother? || Me: If Michael Did This It Would Be A Horror Story.#(though to be clear dean jr’s life is still a horror story I’m just not invested in him as a concept lmao.)#(maybe if he was instead ‘Mary Dean Winchester Jr’ Sam Winchester’s fail daughter aksjfklshfkfk)
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Having a masterpost of information go viral is a little like being in customer service in terms contending with illiteracy and the level of sheer infuriation.
Please for the love of all that is holy, go in the notes of a post before reblogging it. It is the most rudimentary form of accountability check there is. All the answers to your questions and updates and counter-arguments/info is right there in the reply section, usually within a few replies of both the oldest and newest. And especially reblog masterlists and information posts from the source because they're constantly being fact-checked, edited and updated. This is the peer-review website. Look at the reviews of your goddamn peers.
#i'm sorry but it's been five fucking months of this and that thing took a LOT of work#every time i see the oldest most unvetted version that I took down within like a day still doing the rounds i lose years of my life#it's not really my fault. the first list was just a cut and paste of my decolonial prof's google doc. ofc i trusted her#now i fucking do not. it took until now to realize she's a neoliberal-ass respectability politicking NRI idiot just like the rest of them#i trust like. three israelis to actually be anti zionists. and barely any westerners or whites#so yeah that list is basically me removing and replacing sources and losing all my faith in humanity on a daily basis. it is v e t t e d#and people can't so much as take a look at the replies. aaaaaaaaarrgghhhh#anyway just listen to palestinians#knee of huss#anti zionist#free palestine
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