#jumpstarttoskinny

[riadark]

Dessert For Breakfast

It is 1pm and I am now sitting down for breakfast. Sweet potato makes its appearance on Bob’s menu in Week 3 and oh how heavenly this tastes! For anyone who knows me will tell you, French Fries smothered in mustard is one of my favorite foods. And sweet potatoes taste like dessert when you haven’t had any sweets in three weeks (minus the HCHCI from the weekend). 

I have to be careful not to eat too quickly lest I retch like that one morning last week when I was hurrying through my meal. 

Speaking of weeks, what is my plan with Week 4, the add-on week? Pretty much another round of Week 3 which means, no fruit, no sugar, no salt, two workouts a day, yada yada, and no alcohol; HOWEVER, I am building in two exceptions.

1) On Thursday I will have a drink (or two) and some nibbles from the launch party of the publication I write for (see earlier blog about me + free).

2) I have a dinner party that I committed (and looking forward!) to, and it would be a major buzz kill for everyone for me to pick and choose my meals like the madwoman that I am and not drink while everyone at our 44 person table will be celebrating the Chinese New Year. 

The rest will be a strict adherence for my reveal day. I want to add that I was planning on weighing myself at the gym today and taking a recheck of my BMI Somehow, I walked out and forgot. Wonder if that was a Freudian slip of some kind or more accurately, a Freudian avoidance, for the reasons I have refrained to do so up until this point; I don’t want to be encouraged into slacking off and I don’t want to be discouraged into abandoning the Harper ship. 

Day 21- I did it! I actually did it. 

[riadark]

Lessons From The Trenches

Since I skipped yesterday and tonight will be my full on cheat night with the Chinese New Year celebration sit down dinner with 44 people and drinks galore, I might as well take a moment to share some lessons I learned at Day 25 of this journey.

1. Carrots are BAD 2. Quinoa is underutilized. And it is especially great for breakfast. 3. Buy pre-cut pre-washed veggies in their containers if you see managers specials and freeze them. When you need spinach, kale, power greens etc. for cooking, simply remove from freezer, they will crumple to the touch because they are frozen and dump directly into pan for sautée. Cuts way down on prep, especially critical in the mornings. 4. Electrolyte tablets are good to have around and include in your daily practice. 5. Veggies are underutilized.  6. Lack of any kind of sugar or indulgences long term will lead to bitchiness. Ask my husband. 7. You won’t miss adding salt to any of your meals. 8. Believe it or not, you don’t really need to consume as much as you think you do. Seriously, stop the compulsive eating, drinking and snacking. 9. Bob Harper is a freak and has something against nuts and seeds. 10. You can get used to black coffee.

Day 25- Rock solid with an understandable slip. After all, this was only meant to be 21 days. 

[riadark]

Root Betrayal

You know you’ve lost your damn mind when you think of a carrot stick as cheating.

When I was contemplating about what to do next in terms of documenting journeys, I had looked into the Vicky’s Angel’s diet until I settled on a home clean-up and sell of materialistic excess in order to offset the cost of five tickets to Greece this Summer. During my research of the Angels diet, I read about the foods (or more accurately the lack thereof) that it entailed.

And what I discovered was shocking and incredibly painful. Root vegetables, carrots being one of them, are NOT good for dieting. Carrots have SIX grams of carbs in just one stick. FUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN. I double checked Bob’s list of “Unlimited Veggies” and you know what? Yup you guessed it. Carrots are NOT on the list. This whole time I have been merrily munching on these orange plant roots, unwittingly sabotaging my plan!

I don’t know whether to feel mortified or thrilling anticipation. Swapping out celery, asparagus, cucumber and mushrooms for carrots is super easy. So I forsee that final little bit that I have been waiting for will arrive. Or will it?

Only one way to find out. Oh and P.S. I blame Bob Harper. His book jacket sports a very carrot-like color. Talk about false advertising. 

Day 22- Goodbye to carrots, hello to ab crack in six days perhaps. Still on the plan, but getting harder to resist temptations because frankly, this is getting old. 

[riadark]

Taking Me To Crazy Town

So it is either the lack of fat in my brain or I just have lost it due to prolonged days of denial and starvation, but I have decided to extend my “sentence”. Tomorrow was supposed to be my Day 21 (including the already added-on day from Saturday’s High-Class Hotel Chocolate Incident), and yet I am making the choice to extend this for another week.

You probably have determined that I also moved the photo shoot back a week as well. And really, that was the main impetus. If I am wearing a For Love & Lemons Bondage Bodysuit and nothing else, I am going to spend another week in purgatory so that I can be the best corpse I can be. As soon as I did that reschedule btw, internally a little voice shrieked, “What the hell have you done!” I calmly pulled out my ratatouille and ate in silence, refusing to dignify that expletive with a retort of any kind.

So, I am feeling pretty good about how I look. I am seeing definition in my abs, you know those side vertical ridges. Still futilely waiting for the Unicorn of Fitness to show up, the ab crack (YES it’s a “thing”). Gratefully, I am not foolish enough to hunt for the elusive thigh gap. I’m more than happy to just not have the upper parts meet when I walk. My arms are starting to show that top muscle curve just below the shoulder and my face if on fleek without that under chin fat that seemed to pop out whenever I smiled too much for a selfie.

Day 20- Stockholm Syndrome has gripped me and I decide to stay with my captor, Bob Harper.

[riadark]

Coming Right Up

I had an unexpected surprise today. My heritage quinoa with egg whites, spinach, and an avocado and lemon dressing went down and up and out into the disposal in an instant. A feline moment as any of us who co-habits with them would know. Probably because I was eating in a bit of a hurry so as not to be late for my morning coffee meeting with a darling friend. 

Or could it be that I will be chronically skinny and just unable to eat except in rare moments of ravenous hunger! In the height of my modeling days, I was a size 4 and 118 pounds at 5′8″. I won't deny that I loved it. Everything looked great on me. Two babies later, I maxed out at a size 8 and when that started getting snug, I reached for Bob. And here we are.

And where is “here”? I feel great, even without breakfast. Coffee tastes increasingly yummy black, and I am able to nuance more flavors out of it and other things like tea. Begs the question about what wines will taste like now that my palette has been “cleansed”. I still have four more days to go before I can answer that question. 

Speaking of questions, my friend this morning asked what will I do when this is over? I considered the Victoria’s Secret model diet, but then I said, “Oh hell no.” How about a cleanse of my basement then? I’m trying to get my shrinking butt to Greece this summer along with the kiddos. This might be just the project I need to round out the Winter and help offset the cost of airline tix at 2K a piece. And, I can sip on a brewski while I’m at it-- bonus.

Day 17- I’ve got four more days and most of them will be traveling, so gotta prep and cook and store and go go go! Will be an emotional home stretch  jubilant finish!

[riadark]

Destination Dream of Donuts

Ahhhh yes, the pleasure of another successful day after my met-con watching Cafe Society by Woody Allen, munching on a plate of plain ol’ celery sticks and felt well in my conference and my radio show today. It almost feels like a Jekyla and Hydra situation over here. Nonetheless, it’s mellow time!

A single thought is pervasive in my head now-- donuts. All kinds of donuts. Frosted, sprinkles, crullers, chocolate cake, jelly filled, cream filled, custard filled, glazed, old fashioned, fritters, cinnamon, sour cream, or even a damn donut hole. For this mission, I have to find the city’s best donuts and in my opinion that will be the little shop just north of downtown. I spent a good hour today drooling over their website. Food freakin porn. I literally got the chills and shuddered. 

But I digress. Five days away, the end is in sight, and I may just be the first and only person to do this BY THE BOOK. I didn’t even lick my fingers. The one thing I did that I am not proud of, was inhale the scents of my son’s donuts the other day and he had to pry it out of my hands. Aaaaand we are back on donuts! 

Sleep is still not available to me. I don't fall asleep before 2. The strange thing is that I am feeling mostly rested by morning when my daughter wakes me at 7. Maybe not having food to digest shortens the need for sleep. Either that or I have evolved into a super sleeper because of my super clean diet. I will have to ask Bob if I ever meet him.

Day 16- Homer and I have become kindred spirits but unlike Mr. Simpson, I don't have a belly at all! 

[riadark]

Home Stretchin

Had my breakfast of quinoa, shrimp and swiss chard sauteed in olive spray and onions this morning. Soooooo yummy. I feel great until about an hour later when I am hungry again. At they gym, my figure is significantly slimmer, but I still have upper thunder thighs and a stubborn spot of cottage cheese in my upper arm. Ugh. I vacillate between loving and hating myself and of course Bob Harper. Basically, an exercise in insanity. 

But the end is in sight! I just need to hold on and keep thinking about that photo shoot and drink more coffee; this buzzing about however, has led to difficulty sleeping and unless I eat some Tylenol PM, it is a struggle to submit myself to the Sandman. Herbal tea isn’t cutting it.

As the day drags on, the lack of any type of sugar including fructose is really messing with my brain. This is brutal. The final week will literally be a meal by meal existence. Looking back at my earlier musings in this blog, there was humor and creativity in my writings. Now I am raw and rid of hubris, humbled by this draconian regimen. 

I can’t find one single blog, testimonial, story, fb page, before/after photos, NUTHIN on anyone completing this. Which makes me wonder if this is all a big prank and one day, Bob will be on Oprah about his Jedi mind tricks on gullible sheeple, only to promote Weight Watchers and pan his own publication. To which, I will cry and most likely bury myself in a box of chocolates and a bag of chips. 

I do fantasize about the day of my freedom. What will I eat first? Will I be happy about the results? Is drinking going to be fun at all knowing all the carbs, sugars and calories in each pint and martini glass? Who knows, but I sure as hell can’t wait to find out!

Day 15- Six mofo days to go and it is harder than ever, especially without berries a single soul to relate to. 

[riadark]

The Elephant in the Kitchen

Today was tough. And I have 8 days to go. At another lovely birthday party and sleepover,  there was wine, pizza, cake, chips and much more. I drank black coffee. That. Is. All. After tomorrow, I will have my fruit taken from me as well. Damn you Bob Harper!

Would I recommend this to someone else? Probably not. Honestly, it is very difficult. As much as I have enjoyed the challenge, the veneer is wearing thin. Mostly because there is no support in terms of having someone to talk you through the absolute mind screw that happens to you when you deny yourself food repeatedly in the presence of others blissfully chomping away and the mood chemistry affectations from no sugar, salt, snacking, etc. It feels very-- lonely.

Oh, and last night was pretty bleh. Alcohol is really at the heart of most nightlife interactions. The places we went were too packed to play the games and alternately didn’t get jumping until late. It ultimately led to a sour mood and a anticlimactic night that ended an hour earlier than our sitter coverage. Sniff.

My bod is looking pretty good but the suffering seems to be greater. Le sigh. One more day before I head into the final week. The closing of the circus and the upcoming march in D.C. keeps me distracted enough to get by for now. 

Gonna enjoy the heck out of my berries in the morning and I have been stockpiling wine and Minecraft cookies for my “coming out” party.

Day 13- Dark, moody, and disappointed; however, I am steeled for the third and final week and 100% on the plan.

[riadark]

Me Jane

Up until tonight, I have avoided the whole going out thing. Imbibing is a no no, plus I am not exactly Miss Congeniality these days; just ask my husband and kids. But with nine days to go, and the whole, “All starve and no play makes Jane a PITA,” I think it wise to go out and cut a rug.

I have mixed feelings about this part of my journey, seeing as I am almost 2/3 of the way done. On the one hand, I want to keep this going for fear of not having guidelines to follow, on the other, I cannot wait to have a slice of pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s PB & Cookies non-dairy “ice cream” and some potato chips, not necessarily in that order but perhaps all together. 

Bob has another book, “The Skinny Rules”, that I plan to get from the library. Especially now that they have abolished the late fines, I can keep it around until it has firmly become a part of who I am. 

But tonight, this drill sergeant is hanging up her rifle in exchange for her dancing shoes. Booze or no booze, I aim to have a good time. My favorite saying is, “When the lawnmower gets started, the lawn is gettin’ mowed!” 

See you at the club!

Day 12- I wonder if Bob has any chill pills in his medicine cabinet or in his nursery. 

[riadark]

Bowling for Hollers

At the grocery store, a woman stopped me and said, “You have the healthiest looking shopping cart in the whole store!” I was ecstatic! “YAAAASSSSSSS,” I thought to myself, “Even a complete stranger can tell I am doing something incredible!” And when you eat all the veggies that Bob prescribes you, it takes incredible amounts of planning and your shopping cart looks like a heaping pile of plants and leaves (especially when you don’t package your veggies in that awful clear plastic on a roll; I just put them in my cart and then in a re-usable bag and then straight to my fridge). And, it is worth it!

Although weak at times, grumpy at times, and a persistent din of hunger at all times, I feel fantastic! I delight at all the new recipes I am creating in my kitchen. I feel powerful in my discipline to stick to all the rules. Not one bite, lick or sip has crossed these lips that Bob hasn’t ordained. 

Things I learned as I round out the halfway mark in the second half of this journey are:

Electrolyte tablets should be in everyone’s daily practice. Never did before, always will from now on. 

You don’t need to eat/drink everything that comes across you.

The veggies. So many veggies and so much more you can do with them.

The last one surprised me. I thought I had a good handle on veggies. There is so much more out there. Thank you Bob Harper <3 

I would say what I miss the most is probably chocolate. Never was a huge chocolate person but for some reason, that one is the hardest. 

Day 11- Went bowling and felt really good when I was throwing that ball down the lane. 

[riadark]

Half and Half

Irritation crept back into my mood this afternoon. Could be because I didn’t eat lunch until 4pm. Even the kittens were annoying me laying about lazily, so I locked them in the basement (don’t worry, it’s finished). Part of it was to stop looking at their perfect figures which they achieve with zero effort, and partly because tonight was kettle bell swings and such for my met-con and I didn’t want to inadvertently crush one of their teeny skulls. 

Up until today, the halfway mark, I have avoided seeing myself in the mirror and have worn baggy clothing. Today, I took a long look at myself-- and I smiled. I am half impressed and half hopeful. I appear more svelte and my clothes fit much better. I also have noticed my husband reaching over and grabbing me more in the mornings. I’ll take that as a sign as well. So, no disappointment but I want more. 

My large box, yes a box, of clothes from Kiki Nass, a boutique in Austin that I love, has arrived and I setting them out tomorrow per Bob’s advice. He encourages us (his legions of lemmings) to look at that dress, swimsuit etc. that you want to fit into to motivate you to keep up with his lunacy. My photo shoot will be nudes but I am certain I will put on that dress at some point. 

Feeling great about my dedication to the plan with no cheats, but at the same time, I am tiring of restriction. I never did well with rules. I also haven’t availed myself of the new items on my list this week. There are some new proteins on the menu, nuts for pesto, and let us not forget the pasta. I boiled some tonight, and as I cradled the ziploc of noodles, I felt a flutter of butterflies in my empty belly.

Day 10- Tomorrow I pass the halfway mark. I hope that the second half of this story goes as well as the first.   

[riadark]

My New Relationship

As I sip my kale and blueberry shake today (hooray for shakes), I ponder my new relationship with food. I have always looked at American society as having this ultra consumership culture. Everywhere we go, we have a bottle of water, or some snacks, and going out to eat is as cultured as people get when doing things with family and friends and children. It’s stupid.

You won’t die of dehydration-- ever-- in Ohio. Stop carrying that friggin bottle around like you are some kind of athlete sweating buckets or you are about to bike into the deep playa at Burning Man. You’re hungry? Good! You don’t need to snack on something the moment you feel your belly finally empty. Trust me, no American is going to die of starvation if they don’t eat for 4 or even 14 hours. Take a good look at yourselves. You’ve got plenty to spare. 

Personally, I had already abandoned the water bottle and coffee mug everywhere I go and the snacks and drinks for the kids at the ready all the time in case they get cranky//whiny/needy/annoying. Poppycock! Parent them, don’t placate them with food! Thanks to Bob, I no longer graze on chips and nachos. I don’t need to eat while I cook, I don’t need to taste everything that is in front of me. I don’t need to actually eat more than three times a day. I do snack on carrots and radishes at night due to my restricted calorie intake during the day because as anyone who is chronically hungry will tell you, it is hard to sleep when you are starving. I honestly don’t know how supermodels aren’t advocates to end hunger, being that they know all to well what that entails. 

Also, I had already been one of those moms who actually takes her kids places and not out to eat as an “event”. First off, kids in restaurants suck. When my husband and I go out on a date and we are without kids, I ask the hostess to sit us as far away as possible from any children I spot; sometimes, I even walk out. Bitchy, maybe, but I’m not brining mine to them either. I take them to museums, galleries, parks, hikes, playgrounds, pools, athletic events, traveling, skateboarding, biking, skiing, musical shows, theater and just exploring the hood. Food happens at our table.

Speaking of table, I also take the time to set the table and sit down and enjoy my meal. It is a fully satisfying experience and that sustains me until the next one. This is one of the wisdoms I have gained from heading into Day 2 of Week 2 of the program. 

Day 9- I am in love with my new relationship with food and I might be falling in love with Bob too even though he will never have me. 

[riadark]

Body Snatchers

Folks, I have some shocking news. Absolutely shocking. Last night, I had LEFTOVERS. Seriously, I couldn’t finish my meal. And I slept amazingly well last night, no incessant trips to the bathroom. AND as of 11am this morning, got the kids ready and off to school, went tanning, attended yoga class, and I still haven’t eaten and I feel amazing. It is like I am inhabiting a whole new body and mindset. 

But this is where I need to be most vigilant and diligent. This is where people fall off wagons because they think they’ve got it under control. I am one third of the way through and I am going to go by Bob Harper’s book. 

Speaking of, a couple of interesting facts about this alien. He used to be a vegetarian and then vegan. Makes total sense as to why his recipes are so rich in vegetable diversity and varietal preparations thereof. His protein portions are small but clearly satisfying if I am hosting leftovers in my fridge. He is currently working on the new “Celebrity Apprentice” as well. 

Scandally speaking, a contestant on the Biggest Loser which Bob is the host of, claimed that Bob’s assistant gave her adderall and yellow jackets (ephedra pills) to help her lose weight. To which my reaction is, “Where is my little brown bag of pills Bob!”

He also named his rescue dog Karl after Karl Lagerfeld. Don’t know if that is a compliment for the dog, but if I were a betting woman, I would say it is Bob’s way (he was voted PETA’s sexiest man in 2010) of needling a jerk-off who supports fur saying, “It is an industry.” Yeah and slavery was once an industry; doesn’t make it right.  

But I digress. No morsel other than the ordained ones shall cross my lips. [insert crude joke here]. 

Day 7- Feeling freaking fabulous and crushed the first week out of three. 

[riadark]

Depends On Frequency

I decide to do my pre-breakfast cardio with a delightful swim at the gym this morning. As I gently breaststroke through the water, I enjoy the waves coursing ahead of me, as my body displaces the volumes of brominated liquid. My mind wonders why I don't do this more often. I soon remember why. It’s because of people like Jumbotron in his red speedo in the lane next to me, emptying the contents of his ear at the end of every lap with exaggerated head jerks to each side. All I can think of is his ear wax three inches from my face until I can't stand the thought anymore, and get the hell outta there.

Sitting here in the sauna, I hope to set a calm, relaxing, mind-tone for the day. Hunger suddenly hits me fast and hard, but I vow to stay in here until I sweat off another pound.

Back in Sam Polk's wresting days, they would use the sauna to lose water weight; with windshield wipers they’d wick off the sweat and then go back in and do it again and again in order shed as much as 17lbs in a day. Some kid athletes died. I'm supposed to lose 20lbs in 21 days. Seems reasonable in comparison.

I would say that the most annoying thing would be the frequent trips to the potty at bedtime. Even though it is just a mere 10 steps from my bed, I am contemplating Depends because I just want to get into bed and stay there and sleep like normal people. 

One thing that worries me is the fact that I don't miss alcohol at all. When I think about having a beer with friends on the last day, I cringe at the carbs and calories and think it isn't worth it. Maybe two more weeks and changing that fantasy to a big fat Hendrick’s Gin martini, chilled and up with a twist, might change that feeling back to mouth-watering cravings. One can only hope.

Today much better than the last; meals feel doable and satisfying and not much more going on in my head or body. A paradigm shift may be upon us as well as adult diapers underneath us. 

Day 6- Let’s call today a push.  

[riadark]

Starvin and Dancin Post X-mas

It is 9:30 and I am dancing around the kitchen waiting for my “dinner”. Tonight’s meal is a soup, and if you ate salads for the past four days like I have, you would be dancing too. 

Hunger is a funny thing. Or some might say, no laughing matter. Just ask my husband. Let me give you an example. 

As a recovering rageaholic, I can say that this "program" is like putting an alcoholic in a room with all you can drink bar buffet for 21 days-- straight. Saying it is a challenge is inarguably not hyperbole. I caught myself using certain phrases, while I was doing my burpees, Yes. While. Last night, I was mortified to hear myself saying, "You better this and You better that!" And then, my husband yells back, "Why don't you just eat something!" And as soon as the radicchio hit my belly, I apologized. No wonder people who are systematically hungry are unpleasant.

If this were Survivor and I’d been starving on a diet of bugs and grubs, and a show producer offered me a Snickers bar to shank someone to get their ratings up-- I would do it. 

Having said all that, I am choosing to continue the program. And I like it! The food is actually not that bad. The soup tonight turned out to be delicious. My husband joined me for a small cup and described it as “fresh” and it felt so great to share an enjoyable meal. Conversely, it feels goood to make every meal, every day, just for me. Don’t have to think about anyone else’s needs or wants. That is magical. It has been some time since I have experienced that joy. 

Words of wisdom from today: You can fit more veggies in a measuring cup if you cut them into really small pieces and don’t sit next to me watching Survivor holding a Snickers bar. 

Day 4- I’ve gone from hedonist to ascetic with three simple words: Jumpstart to Skinny.

[riadark]

Slim Shady

Today as I ate my “breakfast”, I started fantasizing about Bob Harper sitting around his swank L.A. kitchen with some friends. Bob casually holding his pooch Karl in one hand and a glass of white wine in the other. As they delicately sip their libations, they are all laughing their rock-hard glutes off at the chumps like me who are following his plan word for word.

“Bob, are you serious? No way man people are actually doing this! You have got to be kidding me!!!”

“I know right!?!? And get this, my first book was a New York Times Bestseller. New York Times Bestseller!!! The sheeple will eat up anything you feed them!”

“Oh, I see what you did there. Hilarious. Oh Bob, you slay me.”

And they continue to laugh until their 8-pack abs are sore and feed the dog their table scraps which amounts to more than I get to eat all day. 

All kidding aside, the meals are not that bad. Of course, I walk around all day wanting to shove everything I see in my mouth. And don’t get any ideas. That is the last thing on my mind right now. 

I also learned that size does matter. Although the conventional wisdom is to use small plates when trying to consume smaller portions so your food looks bigger, that has not been my experience at all. I repeatedly reach for the wider, larger measuring cup because it looks like more food is going into my meal when it covers a larger surface area. 

The large coffee consumption is also taking a toll on my reflux. Not good for radio. I have been taking Tums like it is my job, well I guess it actually is in a sense. Forgot to ask Bob if that is ok for the, “Jumpstart To Skinny Rules” but he is probably too busy looking down on people to bother answering my query anyway. 

A challenge I face at bedtime is getting myself to fall asleep while I’m a little hungry. I am sure my husband did not appreciate the radishes I was crunching on loudly in bed last night while I read my “borrowed” copies of US Magazine from Tan Pro. And there is no way to eat a radish quietly. I tried. Not possible. So, I think tonight, I will opt for Calms Forte and some “Night Night” tea.

Day 3- Still on it and perhaps I need to purchase an even larger measuring cup to get me through this.