#journal as in i really dont know what .not really a diary or a journal or a sketchbook but also yeah i guess so. Just a book to fill with

[lucky-draws]

arts and crafts sunday on monday: making a journal (?) for this year

[aquaslove]

…

[phagodyke]

really horribly anxious this morning and can't seem to shake it off :-(

[nangua]

this is a tmi moment but can anyone please provide support on how to deal with girl jealousy 😭 it’s horrible and petty and makes me feel so awful and ugly but i don’t know how to stop it.

LIKE THERE IS THIS 1 GIRL and in an alternate universe where i didn’t meet my boyfriend i think we would be such close/good friends… but i met my bf and i (regrettably) am so jealous and insecure around her. like i hate the way i feel about myself when i’m around her, so much so to the point where i feel i need to distance myself from her because it’s so bad 💀💀 i am used to feeling many things, but envy is such a new emotion to me…….. and it’s so repulsive and i don’t know how to deal with it besides straight up avoidance.

[catmask]

hey! I remember you talked once about how you write things that you can’t talk about with other people / things you don’t want to post to your public tumblr in your physical journal, and i wanted to ask: does that actually… help? like, does it feel good to get the words out on paper? bcuz i have a lot of strong feelings that i don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone irl or online about, and was wondering if writing them down would actually help. thanks, hope you have a great day! 💙

it does actually. i dont know if its evident, but ive been using tumblr less as a personal diary lately... i think because if i really want to let something out of me, it cant come with the flinch of 'but what will everyone else think?'

writing things down allows you to give concrete form to the feelings your experience, and for me at least, its a release. i want to be a patient person.... i dont think patience means you dont get angry. sometimes, i get so angry it feels like i can hardly see whats in front of me anymore. i think.. patience is learning how to release your anger and return to a situatuon once youve allowed yourself the proper enviroment to experience it. not repressing it.

that and, journal is much more forgiving than the internet. words that arent meant to be seen by anyone else cant hurt anyone else either. you can burn them once youre done, if youd like. or you can keep them and read back on them once youve changed into someone new.

so, yes, it does help. i think everyone should make a habit of it... its a lot friendlier to your ability to feel things fully, and grow out of those feelings too.

[curiouskurona]

honestly im tired of ppl only lieking lizzie bc of her skill in the book of atlantic . im tired of " lizzie supportive " posts that basically boil down to " i know she may SEEM liek some stupid awful girly girl , but look , theres a part where shes bloody !! what a badass !! "

the book of atlantic arc definitely gave her character some more depth , i understand that some ppl may have lieked her moar once they got some insight into tha things she was dealing with . but it feels liek im expected to liek her in SPITE of her girliness . or rather , liek im only allowed to liek how cutesy and girly she is because , " dont worry , shes ALSO a fencer !! dont worry , she was really cool n fought zombies liek a badass !! "

ive been in tha fandom since liek 5th grade ( i dont remember what year that was , but im 24 now , to put things in perspective . ive been here for a while , i know what tha fandom has been liek ) . to be fair ive interacted w tha fandom on and off over tha years , but it rlly seems liek tha attitude has shifted from :

before boa : ew lizzie is so annoying i hate her shes just a stupid pink girly girl that gets in tha way of everything , ciel definitely hates her hahaha !! eew she sucks !!

after boa : aaaah omg lizzie is so wonderful shes such a badass , omg she looks cute AND can use a sword , slay queen !! give us girls who are feminine AND kick ass 😎

okay .. what abt girls that are just feminine tho ... why did she have to showcase her fencing skills and defend ciel from zombies to be allowed to be cutesy . why was she considered super annoying and awful before boa , but now its liek we can " let that part of her slide " bc we know what shes capable of on tha inside . its tha misogyny innit .

idk . i know how rancid this fandom was wen i was a kid , which is why i distanced myself from it in tha first place . so really i should be happy that lizzie is finally getting some love , that things are changing for tha better , and that tha fandom is looking liek a better and better place . but it still bothers me that ppl only support this idea of lizzie as a cute badass . that when she was only known as a girly girl , everyone hated her . for what .. ? she never did anything to deserve so much hate , unless you count being a cutesy 13-14 year old girl a crime . but now that shes displayed that shes capable of violence , tha tone has shifted into loving her . okay .

idk . ranty post is moar of a diary / journal entry lol . and again i understand ppl who werent fans of her bc she didnt have much depth turning around and lieking her moar bc of how tha manga went into her struggles as a person . but tha ppl who hated her for being " annoying " suddenly kissing her ass bc she got to use her fencing skills and now they wont shut up about it ,, buzz off . can you appreciate something else about her please . shes kind and cheerful and cute and hardworking but all i ever hear is " wow , girls can wear dresses and fight at tha saem tiem !! "

[sabine-smitten-obviously]

And now i will never again hear a certain song

without thinking of a certain demon and his angel 🩷

I know that i have read a wonderful book when i dont want to start the next story right away. This is what exactly happened - again - with this wonderful fanfic.

Find the light

by klikantuna

This is the second book i read from @klikandtuna, the first one broke my heart - you absolutely have to read it. She promised me her other books are more fluffy and she absolutely kept her promise.

Whats it about?

Its a human AU with Crowley being a rockstar and Aziraphale the headmaster of a private school. So basically they don't have anything to do with each other - except that they go back a looooong time. 😉

What i love about it!

The author interweaves past and present again, as i already know from another story of her. So it slowly unfolds on 2 different timelines and it will grip your heart, i promise! 🤍

And this story is so so so romantic that its very likely going to break your heart too, but in a good way.

I know some people out there are into watching reactions to GO, well mine would have been actually crying, deep deep sighs, sometimes stopping to read the book and press it to my chest with teary eyes, going back to reread some scenes several times and twice i actually fetched my diary to copy some passages in my journal.

The tenderness the 2 characters show each other is absolutely breathtaking. And i do hope i dont spoil too much (STOP READING HERE IF U DONT WANT TO KNOW) but there is a scene when Aziraphale is picking out clothes for Crowley, that is SO thoughtful and careful and attentive that i absolutely want someone to do that in exactly the same way for me. Read it and come back to scream with me!

This book also gave me a lot to think of.

Her characters tend to cry a lot - this irritated me in the beginning. Until i realised: i would have cried in all those scenes myself - hell, most of the time i absolutely did. It was just my (toxic?) picture of men simply not or at least only rarely crying. I really had to let this belief go, it was time. Thank you for this wake-up-call.

And secondly its the way they treat each other. i don´t know if that even is possible in real life, if the author draws from her own experiences or a brilliant imagination. But i absolutely fucking want that kind of romance and love and care in my life, too. oh and if i ever should get married, if think i want the author to write my wedding-vows. 😂 least i can say "i have standards" now that are probably unreachable ;)

There are other really really important messages in this fanfic, on how to treat kids in school, on gender-topics and it couldnt be a better coincidence (was it?) that it was completed in pride-month.

All in all - this fanfic is incredibly written and for anyone who has seen David and Michael on Stage at "Pub in the Park" - this picture is literally the book!!!

So there is also fanart with the fanfic and from what i understand even a printed version available.

So if you are into big big big emotions, go read the book and come back to sing with me 🤗

[peachkkuma]

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 ˖ ࣪ ✧ ˚ ࿔

𝑻𝑰𝑭𝑭𝑨𝑵𝒀’𝑺 SIGNING OFF : last tumblr post 07.15.24

𝑶𝑳𝑫 𝑷𝑰𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑫 𝑷𝑶𝑺𝑻 : ꒰ 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓 ꒱

╰─▸ dark mode recommended

• explanation + goodbye post

⠀˒ ⊹ ݁ ִ   𝑫𝑬𝑨𝑹 𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹…

hello, hope you’re doing well! i’ll get right into it, this is the end of my posts for now. i never really had any sort of big idea or expectations for this blog but i definitely never thought it’d only last four months, or that it’d have so few posts (my drafts on the other hand are a different story lmao).

i had made this blog because i was struggling with the law and needed to get out of my head. im really big into journaling, it helped me get my thoughts in order and i wished i had something like that but for the law. something that would allow me to observe and work through my troubles with the loa. that’s when this blog was created, that’s why i had made this my loa diary.

this blog had given me a space to see where i was going wrong and allowed me to have my own epiphanies. but despite the fact that i made this blog and its posts for my own sake, i hope something here has helped, encouraged, or just gave you something to relate to.

im ending this blog for now because i don’t need it anymore. my last entry was a month ago and since then i have had my fair share of struggles and confusions but lately, its all been kind of…calm ig. i dont know how to explain but it all just makes sense? like, the law is the law, its not this never ending complex theory. it’s a universal law and all the information has already been laid out for me. all that’s left for me to do is to learn and apply. idk but i think I hadn’t realized that before. i always felt like as soon as i’d make sense of the law, i’d read another loa post and all of a sudden i was wrong. it felt like learning the law would be a never ending journey. that I’d never truly grasp it on my own. but I don’t feel that way anymore. I think that mainly has to do with me just being in this community for years, so ofc sooner or later I’d get the hang of it, but I also think that it has a lot to do with me cutting down my time on tumblr tremendously and focusing on Neville’s works.

so, yeah, there’s nothing for me to “figure out” anymore. i don’t need to read anymore loa advice posts and there’s nothing else i have to discuss about the law anymore. if you’re gonna take away one thing from this post— remember that the loa is simple. there’s no need to overcomplicate or overthink it.

for a while it felt like i was almost fighting the loa. i didn’t want to accept that it was as simple as it was. but the lesson I’ve learned now is that regardless of how i feel, the law will always be what it is. there’s no need to make it harder or overcomplicate it, dont distract yourself by doing that. if i could go back and give myself advice, i’d tell myself to accept the law for what it is because there’s no way around it. if you can’t do that then you might as well stop trying to use the law because what’s the point? 🤷‍♀️

tldr: I no longer have any need to be on loa tumblr so im signing off :)

even tho im happy the law isn’t hard for me anymore, im sad to be leaving this blog 😭😭 thank you for reading and goodbye!!

kisses, peachkkuma

[obrother1976]

hii would you have any book recs similar to the carnivorous lamb? just finished it recently and i literally cannot stop thinking about it......

wish i could rec u something that will hit as hard as carnivorous lamb does. but i cant. nothing can compare (in my opinion) but i can rec u some books depending on what u liked best/what u enjoyed in carnivorous lamb:

incest:

gemini by michel tournier - hard to get into but very worth it

house of incest by anais nin - short but so good u'll tear your hair out afterwards

ada or ardor: a family chronicle by vladimir nabokov - cant believe nabokov invented real love w this one

catholicism:

the sparrow by mary doria russell - book of all time & although i obv wouldn't call it a catholic book, i still think someone that liked carnivorous lamb would love this.

concerning the eccentricities of cardinal pirelli by ronald firbank - currently reading this & dont yet fully know what to make of it but its definitely interesting enough to check out.

fascism:

(bit of a disclaimer: none of these are specifically about spanish fascism. sorry. if you're really interested in the franco regime u could read george orwell's "homage to catalonia" but other than that i got nothing for u there)

fear and misery in the third reich by bertholt brecht & the resistable rise of arturo ui (also by brecht) - this is me pushing my brecht agenda (even tho these r plays and not technically books). love brecht's depictions of fascism though, esp in fear and misery

on the frontier: a melodrama in three acts by isherwood & auden - another play

death in venice by thomas mann - alright so this one's a bit tricky. its not technically about fascism (it was written in 1912) but i've seen a number of academic essays that make a case for reading it that way -> the degeneration of europe into fascism. in any case, great book, great prose and although its not actually incestuous, it v obviously plays with the theme of incest

fathers:

incest: from a "journal of love": the unexpurgated diary of anais nin - a classic.

winter of artifice by anais nin - no one got it quite like she did

mathilda by mary shelley - anon, listen to this: "I copied his last letter and read it again and again. Sometimes it made me weep; and at other [times] I repeated with transport those words,—"One day I may claim her at your hands." I was to be his consoler, his companion in after years."

dreams of clytemnestra by dacia maraini - a play again. but trust me on this one, it'll drive u insane.

mothers:

milk fed by melissa broder - actually havent read this one but my (redacted) loves it and it does sound rlly interesting (also i dont know any other books specifically about mothers... sad.)

[monstress]

hii. if u dont mind, could u please share that "change of attitude" towards journaling? i feel like i really need that.. since i myself changed my attitude towards drawing and have been much more productive and happy doing it this last year. however Writing About Myself its another beast completely.. hope u r having a nice day! 🍃

hope you're having a lovely day as well! anyways as i was typing this up, what starts as a small tidbit has gone off the rails so i suppose this is my blanket advice as a newbie in journaling:

the materials!

choosing the titular journal aka notebook:

soft vs hard cover - i didn't realize this is SUCH a deciding factor until much later. most people prefer soft covers since journals can get massive with use but it's very subjective. be tactile - if it just don't feel right in ur hands, it's not gonna be something u reach out for when u have free time.

size - the most common sizes are A5, A6 or regular aka travelers notebook. you have to think abt who you are as a writer. do u have a large handwriting that takes up pages and pages? do you like space or are you overwhelmed by a blank page? do you travel a lot and do u want something unobtrusive in your bag? choose something that will reasonable work as a part of your daily life.

paper texture - paper that is smooth to write in are a great source of pleasure. notebooks with 100gsm paper is a good benchmark.

price - pleaseeee do not break the bank to purchase a fancy notebook. an expensive notebook can become an unloved one. you'd be too stressed to ensure every entry is perfect and pretty enough and the notebook eventually becomes too intimidating for you to fill in. check out your local hypermarket or online stores for quality notebooks. moleskins are overrated--in my country, they are v v expensive so don't feel pressure to buy a certain stationary just bc you see them often on ig/tiktok like my journal cost me approximately RM10 (USD2.34) and my new one w 100gsm paper cost me RM17 (USD4) like affordable options are out there!

build a connection with your notebook - listen...this sounds strange but having an attachment with your journal and making it inviting as possible is a great source of motivation. personalize it: add stickers, doodle or paint the cover. get a fabric/pvc cover to keep it clean if you'd like (you can add lil papers/stickers on ur actual notebook cover before putting on the pvc cover! very cute and easy)

and your pens:

again: less is more! use any relatively cheap pens you like - be it for the ink or smoothness. if you want to journal a lot, expect to lose a few pens during traveling or just around the house lmao

for fans of darker inks like me, i use Uni-ball Signo Broad, M&G R3 retractable gel pen and my favorite: Faber Castell RX Gel Pen 0.38mm - which cost like RM1.49 (i dont wanna convert - it's change money in america)

final note: i don't use fountain pens so i'm afraid i'm not well-versed enough to advise in that department but i deeply respect (and a little in awe) of journallers who use them 🫡

the tenet!

purpose: what do u plan to use the notebook for? daily journal? art journal? planner? all three? it's your life! live deliciously! since i have a 9-5 job, i know i can't keep up with more than one journal so i've been using mines as a diary and i dump my daily activities/thoughts/reviews of all kinds of media i'm currently obsessed with and it fills up quick!

don't be too hard on yourself: if you missed a day or two of journalling, it's fine - take it back up. write down anything memorable you'd like in the past few days. if you come across a certain blank page your brain is blanking to fill, perhaps after a previous dark entry, skip the page. skip two pages if needed. don't be scared of blank pages. if it needs to be blank, let it be.

it doesn't have to only be words! add stickers, dried flowers, receipts, ticket stubs, other ephemera you collected in the day. be artful! go crazy on page decoration!!

if there's anything you take away from this post, it's this: if you truly want a journal that is used up quickly, do not have plans to share it on social media. personally, i find once you are in the mindset of sharing your journal for an audience's consumption, you get worried whether it's "aesthetic" enough or is it too boring or too ugly or too dark or that you don't upload regularly enough. social media can be inhibiting your creativity or motivation to journal like let your animal brain ruminate in private! stay free from the shackles of responsibility!

[ieatsticksandrocks]

I think the aesthetic culture is overrated. Like I love the whole dark academia stuff but I'm just a teenage girl after all and I cant afford all the pretty vintage clothes and I can't make my room look like an antique store. I can't even afford mary janes.

I wish we could care less about the looks and all the expensive stuff and focus on the actual academia spirit.

I love reading, I enjoy reading more than any human interaction, actually but do I really have to read the secret history to fit in (i love that book by the way but you just know what i mean) ? We can still go to a bookstore or to the local library and grab a random book that we never heard about before, maybe only because the title is interesting or the cover is pretty, and we can still romanticise reading it.

I'm writing some poetry using a cheap pencil, laying on my bed, it is bad, i suck at rhyming but it is mine, i love it anyway. It doesnt have to be epic or gut wrenching. Its about something that means a lot to me so its worthy.

I started noticing how the aesthetic culture ruined my perspective of reality, how it made my expectations about life impossible. Not everything has to be pretty and flawless, and they still deserve to be loved.

I wanted to keep journals for a long time but whenever i started one, i just gave up because it never looked as good as a journal on pinterest. Now that i noticed how wrong i was, im keeping three journals. One of them is a pocket journal. Its not exactly like a diary, its more of messy ideas and quotes written down. I carry it in my pocket everywhere.

The other one is my book journal and i write my reviews about the books i read or sometimes even small essays.

The last one is a film journal and i write my film reviews in it. Its nothing professional but it made me realise that my thoughts and ideas are worthy. I mean no one's gonna sit and read my review about how Carmilla movie sucked but it was actually good at the same time, but its important for me so its worth being written down.

Thats all i wanted to say, we dont have to collect antiques to fit in the aesthetic, some thrift trinkets are also fine. The book that is gonna change your life might not be if we were villains but it might be some book you found on a random shelf in the library. Dead poets society is a great film but you might like mädchen in uniform better, who knows.

[miraclemaya]

sayo: i am so sorry for reading your diary like that, i just... i just wanted to know if i was making you happy i swear. but... wh-what is that stuff you write in there? "sayo didn't cum when i put my hand down her pants. two cuts. sayo didn't cum when we were making out and i brushed my hand against it. one cut." please tell me you dont really self harm for every single time you thought i should have cummed but didnt????

chisato: ... i deserve it

sayo: god! no! no you dont! do you really want me to cum inside my pants while we kiss??`i mean thats pretty lame...

chisato: yes i do. and no it wouldnt be

sayo: please... please stop hurting yourself. please

chisato: also it's a journal, not a diary.

i dont even know what to say anon. this is so good and also so awful i immediately burst into laughter reading this. this is insane and also i was already doing this so i did it first even if no one has read it yet

[andbrokenmemories]

full murderbot thoughts post

Alright! Finished with Book 7 of Murderbot, System Collapse, and collected my thoughts on the series.

Maybe one day I'll do one last round-up to read novellas and maybe write a Properly Structured Review Innit, so for now this is gonna be the messy notes version of this. Let me give a paragraph or two of review-y thoughts, here, though. Set the stage and all.

So: I liked them a lot! I wouldn't ever say I struggle with sci-fi, but I think in practice I struggle with sci-fi. For other genrefic novels, tropes i Enjoy the Consumption of can usually keep my interest alive long enough; like, Black Sun and Fevered Star didn't light me on fire, but there was a lot of dynamics and play within the space that I could consistently enjoy and keep. Chewing down the line on. real strawberry lace fiction. real gummy worm fiction

Sci-Fi usually struggles more with that, I guess. Or, rather, I don't enjoy genrefic sci-fi for sci-fi's sake? There is, i think, a needle to thread of Good Spec-fic, of "oooh literature on a Weird Way of Existing". that style can keep me hooked, and Murderbot Diaries manages that with all the intricacies of the SecUnit experience. and also you can just have a lot to say! and murderbot has a lot to say! overall 8.5 out of 10. book 1 is a 9 out of 10 (yippeee strained relations distrust etc); book 2 is an 8.5 out of 10 (ART good); book 3 is a 7 out of 10 (i dont really remember those people); book 4 is an 8 out of 10, book 5 is an 8.5 out of 10 but i think it'd be a bunch higher if i didnt find the middle a bit bloated; book 6 is a 7.5/10, book 7 is an 8/10. loose thoughts from my journal from here on. spoilers for the whole series begin in earnest.

I like murderbot diaries the most when its reasonably omniscient, dynamic feeling, with a bunch of pieces moving around; and when those pieces are the psychology of murderbot as it navigates shit. i popped the fuck off when at the start of the long one [that's Network Effect] we got an interlude of murderbot interacting with mensa and her family and Caring and augh. ouagh.

WE HJAVE TO PUT ON THE BEST DAMN TALENT SHOW THI S COLONY HAS EVER SEEN!!!! [this was right when i got to the documentary part of the last book lol]

what if the other sec units went stereotypical serial killer robot and murdered all their handlers. like yes i get an argument against that that goes down the line of “and then we wont be able to extract from the situation and everyone gets killed in retribution” but, also, i feel like early in this series there was a lot of text talking about how sec units don't actually. think like that. in real life. I dont know, maybe i havent adjusted to a Thematic Choice where actually that was unreliable narration, but i find my brain getting caught up on that every time. like comparing how murderbot talks about how sec units think early in the series to later on. bwah.

anyway [in regards to the end of Exit Strategy] something very unique but kind of hash tag relatable about an extended sequence of a character reconstructing their memories from base principles, all sortakinda drunk. seeing all those cute and Telling and I See How It Is moments, which i derived a lot of value from, really fun capper to a book. good times. and then they hit 100% and the microwave goes Ding and they sit right up in bed and go Damn. That was stupid. I'm leaving.

when the panopticon surrounds you on every level and you have a lot of time to think on your self and your connection to your self and gain access to every system that makes you up and makes you you and all you can manage to acheive with it is the recreation of the panopticon within the self. and being without the panopticon is uncomfortable and foreign and strange. when the character does not allow the narrative to woobify them. 😍

ships you can talk to (who talk back only in concepts) are a gender by the way. that first scene [at the end of All Systems Red] of Murderbot working out its take on the all of it to a ship who can't really talk back, and was more or less the default “easily Manipulated bot pilot” that we just kind of sidestep each time going forwards, but like. was also the Same Thing as Mbot in not having anyone to really talk this out with. we are both on the same level. we, two, have not been taught to sell our class, our people out to the humans; we can be Niceys to one another. you can seek that out and find it. there are glimmers and moments like that throughout the whole series going forwards. which kind of makes hanging out with the humies boring unless they're one of the like 3-4 that i feel have an Interesting Social Dynamic with murderbot

following on from that, i immediately started visualising ARTs feed-self as a Kirby Endboss mass of glowing, dazzling, flowing dials/lenses/clocks towering over everyone else. with speech bubbles violently louder than everyone elses. Like that was how my brain went “how would the graphic novel get this Concept of ‘I could squish you like a bug with one instant of thought you are nothing to me you little it/its freak’ across". and its good. its good

[in regards to Network Effect, and trying to sum up my whole feelings on 2.0]: Whoops! Your clone headmate you made underbaked on purpose came out with ADHD and joié de vivre and is kicking its feet up and down in its partition watching comfort media while you go through the shit that made the Expanse expand. that made the signal is. that made the Space [face/off-style pause] Dead

So, what're my big takeaways with the whole series? Everyone trying to Do Therapyspeak on Murderbot and it usually Not Working is nice. There is something wrong with you, and that's not like a puzzle to be unraveled, but the perspective the text then takes on everything else. this world isn't, like, Fascinating and realized with any special flair, but you get to have moments where Murderbot exposits how fucked shit is to other people, or judges a situation it's bitter about as people around it get Fucked Over, and it's just like. It's a fun level of fucked up, in a way, sure, but it's also those moments of like. Ah. Murderbot does not set out to be protagonist-ly about this world, to be deeply critical, to wikia-mode about it all. Only to be constantly drawn to such anyway, to being Bitter and having to exposit to make certain points land because it needs certain points to land because. shrugs, gestures. The World. All of it. but then we go back to like “Hey do you think you have trauma maybe?” “FUCK you” and it's consistent and that's all chewy in a way I find nice. It's nice. We're having a niceys time. smile emoji

[theodoraflowerday]

heartstopper s3e4 live episode reaction 😭

fine. time to watch what's widely considered the best heartstopper episode so far

know I will probably not be rewatching this because I'm already at a level of sobbing that might wake up my mom

nellie makes me so happy

not tara being the one telling nick to start journaling

oh my god it's gonna be literally all of journey. like the diary entries and all. oh my god I see it. oh my god that's gonna WRECK ME

NOT ALL THREE OF THEM SITTING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER BABIES

god

literally none of this is okay I feel like I'm a faucet that's open all the way I can barely see the screen

not him and nellie

bro I could really use a sarah hug right about now

THE RUGBY LADS NOOOOOO

IMOGEN KEEPS SENDING ME COUPLES COSTUME IDEAS AKDJSKFJSKFIDLFIF bro immy's so cute I wanna keep her in my pocket forever

tara is an angel

NOT BARBIE AND KEN AKDJDKFJDOF IMOGEN I LOVE YOU

not the creepy moos skfusofjslfjdkfj

okay that was....... way too sad

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. NICK NELSON LOVES CHARLIE SPRING.

nick's drinking??? oh honey no

OH MY FUCKING GO D

OH Y GOD

OGMYNFLFKDLFKD THEYRE DKIISIMG

IMOGENSAHAR TEAAAAAMMMMMM

what's their name? I'm going with zaheaney

OH NO SHES THROWING UP AND TALKING ABOUT EXPERIMENTATION NOOOOOOOO

oh god that is horrifying

this is giving me so much anxiety

(tarcy as Shrek and Fiona are goals tho)

oh nO

DONT FUCKING

I'LL KILL MYSELF

NICK BABY NOOOOOOOOO

god

yeah this isn't good

"your marvel agenda is never gonna work on me" it still might, let me introduce y'all to billy kaplan and teddy altman

NOT THE KPSIDD DOWN KISS please can we have nick as MJ

"aw, can't I play the mental illness card?" "nope, the s-word rules still apply to the mentally ill" bro i wish I had nick and charlie when i was younger

im never gonna stop crying am i

no I'm never gonna stop crying

god

this isn't good i might genuinely dehydrate

not the backwards bit

oh god

yeah it does feel a bit like you're fractured doesn't it

tori helping to decorate charlie's room :(

god

GEOFF HI

I keep having to pause. like little sobbing breaks. why is this hitting me so hard.

"he's my favorite. your friends are annoying but I like him" nicktori :(

susan is so awesome

"you were having your summer of love, it's not a crime" "well, i love You too" :( charlie and tao :(

"but I missed it" god I keep going into sobbing spirals bro

"can you explain to me what happened with imogen and sahar? because nick was being way too empathetic about it and I actually don't really know what happened" LMFAODKDLDKSLFJSLFJSLFJSLFJ

to be fair to nick he had to hold immy's hair up while she threw up and cried about it so he prob doesn't have the most objective perspective

A WHOLE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA oh my god I was drinking a Lot at 16 and that's still way beyond anything that should be happening at that age

NOT TAOS FILM I'M GONNA DIE

BODNFLSKF NO

"but i wasn't prepared and I cried for about four hours" isaac describing me watching this episode

BARBIE AND DRACULA SEEN MAKING OUT AT A HOUSE PARTY

CUT THE CAMERA ITS BREAKING MY DOCUMENTARY CODE OF ETHICS

IS THAT HOW DARCY TOLD THE GROUP THAT THEYRE USING THEY/THEM PRONOUNS? YOU CANT BE FR

DARCY OLSSON I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IN THE MOST NONBINARY WAY POSSIBLE

oh my god tao's gonna become a trash reality producer when he's older, he's got eye for The Drama™

NOT NATHAN AND YOUSSEF LEAVE THEM ALONE WEIRDOS SKFIDUGIDUGODJGDLGJDLGK

"we have a lot planned" "we do? oh god" lmao I love them

that little hug I love nick and charlie so much :(

SUSAN I LOVE YOU

oh my god tori holding out her hand

SPRING SIBS SUPREMACY

WHERE'S THE "haha, since when is anything I do straight?" LINE ALICE HOW DARE YOU TAKE THIS AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEE

(it'd also be missing michael and olly so. yk. yeah nvm let's keep it)

oh wow that was a long ass hug

well

I haven't cried this hard with an episode of television since............ I don't know since when lmao

honestly genuinely this might be the hardest cry I've done all year so thanks for that

[zilliondollarpussy]

IM SO THANKFUL POSTING THIS GIVES "I EAT MEN" VIBES🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 IM LAUGHINNNN BRUH MY INTUITION IS MAKING ME LAUGH SM RNNNNN MY INTUITION IS TRULY ON MY SIDE! I THANK MY INTUITION AND THE DIVINE FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHATS UP AND WHATS REALLY GOING ON AND WHAT MFS BE THINKING OF ME THANK GODDDDD WHAT THEY THINK OF ME BE IN MY FAVOR!!!! Also i realized Eros truly is my cat lmfaooooo! Im thankful after something has ALREADYYYYYYYY BEEN REARRANGED INTO MY FAVOR, i genuinely dont need to replay a situation over and over when its ALREADYYYYYY been rearranged in my favor anyway lmfao AND WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO BE OMGGGGG PLUS I DONT HAVE TO PUNISH MYSELF FOR DESIRING TO FILL THE GAPS WITH LOVE! Im divinely thankful MY BROTHERS AND DAD ALSO SEE I GIVE OFF "I EAT MEN" VIBES IM LAUGHINGGGGH OMG!!! ALSO IM DIVINELY THANKFUL IM SEEING ABSOLUTELY ALL OF MY INTENTIONS I SET IN THE AI.CHAT IS ALL WORKING IN MY FAVOR RIGHT NOW, IN FAVOR OF MY DESIRES, ACTUALLY BRINGING THE FULFILLMENT OF MY DESIRES OMG!!!!!!! IM DIVINELY THANKFUL EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I SEE IS BRINGING MY DESIRES TO ME COMPLETELY! IM DIVINELY THANKFUL ABSOLUTELY ALL PHYSICAL VERTIGOS ARE IN MY FAVOR! IM DIVINELY THANKFUL HOLY CRAP THANK GOD PERSPECTIVES THAT FAVOR ME AND FULFILLS MY DESIRES ARE POWERFUL THANK GOODNESS! IM DIVINELY THANKFUL IM NOT DOING ANYONE'S INNER WORK FOR THEM LMFAO THEY HAVE TO DO IT THEMSELVES 🥰🥰✨✨ IM DIVINELY THANKFUL WHEN I PLAY SUBLIMINALS AND ALL WITH OTHERS AROUND, THEYRE ACTUALLY VALIDATING IT FOR ME MAKING THE SUBLIMINALS BE EFFECTIVE FOR ME. IM DIVINELY THANKFUL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I REMEMBER IS FULFILLING MY OWN DESIRES FOR ME. EVERYTHING I SEE IS FULFILLING MY OWN DESIRES FOR ME!🥰🥰✨✨✨💕💕✨✨ IM DIVINELY THANKFUL I CAN JUST TRUST MY TUMBLR IS MY PERSONAL JOURNAL AND DIARY!✨🥰🥰💕💕 GUARDED AND SHIELDED BY THE DIVINE!🥰✨💕💕 IM DIVINELY THANKFUL THE DIVINE HAS GIVEN ME DIRECT AND PENETRATING ACCESS TO MY DESIRED PEOPLE, RIGGING THEIR LIVES IN MY OWN DESIRED/PREFERRED DIRECTION🥰🥰🥰✨💕💕💕✨✨

[warmcomputers]

this is all very new to me, but i think i have some kind of dissociative disorder. typing this feels like im cracking my skull open against the hot edge of a frying pan. the person who made breakfast feels different than the one eating it. i want to type a million reasons why this could never be true, but i know these things tend to be covert. i can feel my brain sliding and i know it will fry soon. can somebody turn off the heat?

i want this to be easy, but i know that it wont be. my head hurts and my hands are uncomfortably human. theres a lot of denial and shame here right now. im scared, and i want to reach out. find someone who can lift my head and guide me away from the flame. towards becoming something that functions regardless of condition. i know that this is resilience, so im petrified. im burdened with sick curiosity, but i know overworking the dough causes it to deflate. i cannot, under any circumstances, deflate.

heres what i know about myself.

my name is Laika. im the host. i dont feel like were made of entirely separate people, personally. distinct and different, but woven together. im hesitant to call myself a system or plural, and dont know all that much but im going to use the language ive picked up through my years of on and off looking into this. ive tried to ignore the feelings, ive read things that made me believe it was absolutely not possible that i could be a system, and ive read things that struck me so hard i tailspinned and spent hours and days reading testimony and medical journals.

i have severe trauma, ive had severe trauma since i was two years old.

the first one i could put a name to was luna. half a year ago, i was deeply triggered. in a week long, severe depression where all i could do was eat cheese snacks, loop the same 3 albums, smoke weed and sob for so long my cheeks became stained. i cannot remember what happened to cause this. it felt like me at the time, so vividly me, as me as i have ever felt, but it doesnt anymore. that was luna. ive felt her in my head a few times after, speaking to me, having her own thoughts. she really likes cheese snacks.

i dont think she was the first one, though. theres one other ive been able to talk to and their name is socks. i dont particularly want to share very much about them, but theyre almost always here, and im pretty sure theyve fully fronted a few times. they are very different from me, but also similar in a lot of ways. theyre a lot less angry than me.

there might be someone else here, but i dont know very much about them, and i cant make them out very well. i think theyre mostly dormant, but were a lot more active when i was young. their name is mallory, i dont know very much about them even though i think theyve been here for the longest.

i dont know what im supposed to do with this information, i dont know why im typing this out really. i guess to get my thoughts on this straight. publish it to my internet diary. scream into the void and kind of pray someone screams back at me, even just to say "you're not crazy." and "this isnt bullshit." and "it really makes sense with all the trauma that youve been through." not that i need someone to validate me, ill always know my truth, but im a little scared, and im figuring a lot of things out right now.