beau-odin

[beau-odin]

A rose hip head of gold explodes in a sea during sunset

put....anything

ok. anything

DAE. we didnt plan on falling in love. i know that about us. we wanted to escape. we wanted reprieve from some darkly, horrible curse. that was consuming us. we were rolling down a high way with the smell of rain pouring off of it. and in our review all we could see was the storm of storms rolling in with a force that shook our feeble hearts. threated all the blood beating in our bodies. and we knew that we could hold on to one another.

we thrashed into eachothers bodies and playfully threw everything we had at each other. we so quietly begged one another to just keep a hand on us when the world wouldnt stop throttling us. and in those moments we had found pure joy.

we found in eachother a harbor to smile in. a secret world that we never let any one else touch. we ran there and hid there and played there and loved there. we kissed and touched and fucked and laughed and found comfort and safety.

we were not wreckless...we were doing what we thought was okay...but something found us there. something asked of us something that openned the door to our cave of quiet lovings.

when you knew what was growing inside, fear touched you right in the center of your belly. and you felt alone and unkept. and you turned to me to be honest and face down the spear life threw at you. and we caught it together. we turned toward eachother. and when we did that....we fell....softly, fast, swiftly, in love with one another.

we had seeds of visions of our future planted in our skulls, and that squishy grey matter kept them and they began to germinate. they began to root. to grow healthy and strong in our shaky brains. and our hearts kept them. our hearts brought them water and fruit. a soft kiss good night would warm them to their bones. and sweetness would spring like a fountain of black oil struck from the earth by surprise.

each day, each time we shared a moment that was untainted. sunshine. the type of shine that comes from two souls rubbing together. a small knife draw in closer to my throat. and some demon would ask me if i was willing to give up my family for this. a small knife would inch its way closer to my gullet. and the voice would get closer, asking me if this worth the price tag of my children never knowing wholesomeness.

and i would retreat a piece of our entanglement to a hopeful and war torn space that i held for her. for the possibility that all could be healed and wounds could be licked enough.

there was nothing fair about that. there, i was robbing love to pay a dark lover a drink of my blood. and you wondered why my well seemed dry and it was because i was sneaking sips to something dead. in a ritual that i would pray would work to resurrect flat lined hollow life that seemed to far away to reach again.

you beautifully stayed the course. knowing that you had offered the golden ticket for a freshly born star.

BUT WERE YOU PLUGGING ME IN was it me or was i just the next thing. was i just THERE. deep down i know that isnt true. becasue we fell in love. i was there. i know we loved eachother. i felt it. i knew it. i saw it. i breathed it. am i loosing my mind. did you always have a back up plan. did i want you to....was i hoping you did so when i gutted you someone was there to stitch up your belly. or did i realize a little bird and put it all to the test. to see if it would come back to me.

to see if fate would put you back into my path.

[beau-odin]

Ernest Hemingway, from "The Garden of Eden," originally published in 1986

[beau-odin]

“Buddhism teaches that joy and happiness arise from letting go. Please sit down and take an inventory of your life. There are things you’ve been hanging on to that really are not useful and deprive you of your freedom. Find the courage to let them go.”

— Thích Nhat Hanh (via creatingaquietmind)

[beau-odin]

“I work in waves because I’m impatient” - Cy Twombly

[beau-odin]

“No one is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart: for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.”

— James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name (via stoicremains)

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[beau-odin]

“Stop giving people power to control your smile, your worth, and your attitude.”

— find happiness within yourself (via misjudgments)

[beau-odin]

“The arts are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.”

— Kurt Vonnegut (via yungoracle)

[beau-odin]

“Mountains should be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed. If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in the equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Then, when you’re no longer thinking ahead, each footstep isn’t just a means to an end but a unique event in itself. This leaf has jagged edges. This rock looks loose. From this place the snow is less visible, even though closer. These are things you should notice anyway. To live only for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain which sustain life, not the top. Here’s where things grow. But of course, without the top you can’t have any sides. It’s the top that defines the sides. So on we go… we have a long way… no hurry… just one step after the next.”

— Robert M. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

[beau-odin]

a friend told me to write a "who am I" bit; stream of consciousness

i have died many times. too many to count. in vicious ways, in gentle ways, with whispers and rage and silence.

dragged, sometimes kicking and screaming back to life. back to breath. to be grounded with all the other angels that need to know the dirt. i have cursed the sky and desired to rip open mountains with my hands. so that i could playfully leap from boulder to crumbling boulder with a smile on my face that only the heart of a child could ever know.

and here i am. a million or more years old. still learning something new. at a lap top, smashing keys that have so many times been a home and pallet to my obscurity.

there are times i look into the eyes of my “autistic” angel of a sister and i see my self. i see the contract we signed before entering this life together. that she would make a a sacrifice to show me more of my self. her safety and well being are the core of my concern. but her thriving in this world. being challenged and growing into the empowered human being she is destined to be, that maybe my end of the deal to ensure.

who knows, how far down this rabbit hole one consciousness has so truly created, to hold on to something that could separate oneself from the abyss. to define a reality.

part of who i am is forever forgetting and forever falling. curious if faith in the freedom will grow me wings or see me married to the ground by priest of gravity.

coffee; sleep and Love (new and old and potential) fuel this rant and quiet rave.

i want a cream of gold honey bee, the exact dimensions of my hand, to be etched into my chest, to be used identify me when i approach the gates of hells doom. so the beast may know that when i was brought to earth i lived and loved for my people.

and where ever i am to be deployed next, i shall re-write the same ancient story. my duty to play its echo through time.

[beau-odin]

“If you are tense, let the tenseness be tense. Then tenseness has no substance; it becomes relaxation.”

— Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche (via thecalminside)

[beau-odin]

Satan Deadog

Something is shifting in me. I’ve been chained to some red planet that’s been throwing me through the sky. With no concern for my will. I suppose for my own good. I’ve been dragged through mud and buried in deep love that I felt I was just out of reach at times. I have felt alone, more alone than dead. I’ve also poured my eyes out with joy and bliss. If today was my last, I would smile and burst into a ghostly shield that protects my chosen family until the end of time.

It feels like the engine at the core of my body is primed. And has begun to transmit a driving force that if I manage to step out of the way of, is here to build a life that has been destined to be since the first breath.

Every thing outside is just “there”

If I Love you. Know that I love you for ever. And that I will become more of what ever is needed of me to be to serve my love.

Pain speaks clearly and easy.

Black & Red

Gods a Woman

[beau-odin]

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[beau-odin]

“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing, and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.”

— Krishnamurti (via thecalminside)