#john you funny jaded cowboy

[red-dead-reloaded]

John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour

Our main gig: Chapter 1: The PLAN

And our side hustle: Shootin' Down the Fourth Wall

THE TRUE STORY:

It starts off with a conversation around the campfire after a botched robbery. John's telling the tale to pass the time, and I hit him with:

"Hey, you've got material there!" He blinks a few times, because he never thought about it that way. But he has a think about it...

"Damn, you're right!" So we leave the gang, shit's going south, anyway, but John can't swim, which doesn't leave us with much room.

The road's long, the law's tight - we're looking for something better. No more robbing trains - we're robbing people of their SERIOUS faces and selling them some good old laughter. THE COMEDY TOUR BEGINS! The name of our act: The Good, the Bad, and the Goddamn Outrageous

First stop? We head out West, hitting up the towns that have never seen a comedy show in their life. We don't just show up with jokes, we rob 'em blind (of their funny bones).

We start performing anywhere where there's a crowd - saloons, campsites - folks out here want a good laugh as much as they want a good shootout. But the road to Vegas ain't easy. We get ourselves into some WILD shit along the way.

We run into Arthur Morgan who's decided to strike it out on his own too. He begrudgingly joins us as the third wheel. We keep him JUST grumpy enough to get him to pull out his best one-liners.

FINALLY - VEGAS! Yeah, baby!

By now, we've made it big. The competition is stiff, the eyes of the world are on us. We're used to people wanting to take us down, but by now, we're feeling pretty untouchable. On the night of our big performance, we're having a blast, the audience is laughing so much they could bust a steam engine.

BUT good old Edgar Ross comes along and derails all the fun - trust that man to rain on John's rodeo. He wouldn't know a good joke if it shot him in the face. Problem is, as much as we've been making a name for ourselves as comedians, we've also drawn the attention of the law. HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OURSELVES OUTTA THIS ONE, JOHNNY BOY? John Marston and Arthur Morgan team up to give Ross the public ROASTING OF A LIFETIME. You gonna pull a slick one about John's mama being a prostitute? Be prepared to become ROAST PORK, my villanous bro. Comedic vengeance, retribution of the sweetest kind, is within our grasp. The crowd's going to remember the day they witnessed this epic lampooning from the two greatest outlaw-turned-comedians this side of the Mississippi!

Ross won't be able to hold a candle to Arthur and John, and when it's all said and done? They walk off the stage like the kings of comedy they were meant to be.

Ross will forever rue the day he thought he could punch down on poor John about his mama. The three of us? We'll be Legends of the West. Not for our robberies, not for our wanted posters - but for bringing down the goddamn house with every line.

[mst3kproject]

She Freak

Oh, boy, this is going to be a fucking delight.  If the 1932 movie Freaks were Invasion of the Saucer Men, She Freak would be Attack of the The Eye Creatures.  Freaks is a very troubling movie, but it does go to great effort to present the denizens of the sideshow as human beings who can be loving, greedy, heartbroken, or naïve as much as anyone else, and who find family in each other when the rest of the world rejects them – and must be very careful who they let into that club.  The horror of the story is derived as much from their predicament as from the fate of Cleopatra.  She Freak is… not like that.

A woman named Jade Cochrane works at a little diner somewhere in the south, quietly (and sometimes not-so-quietly) enduring sexual harassment from both the customers and her married boss.  Wanting more out of life, she quits her job and goes looking for work at a passing carnival, which she figures will at least allow her to travel.  From there she sets her sights on marrying Steve St. John, the owner of the freak show and the richest man connected with this community. Unfortunately for everybody around her, even this very moderate form of power corrupts Jade to the core, and after too much of her mistreatment, the sideshow stars take a horrible revenge!

The opening sequence is a bunch of carnival footage in which everybody looks bored, worryingly reminiscent of both Carnival Magic and MUZ.  Even worse, quite a bit of it is shot by somebody sitting on a moving ferris wheel or other midway ride.  I’ve never been able to enjoy midway rides because I get motion sickness (I can’t see J. J. Abrams movies in theatres for the same reason), so this was not a fun experience for me, even on my tiny laptop screen.  It goes on way too long, and most of it doesn’t even have any credits over it.  Crow would have fled to go throw up in a corner.

The moment I knew She Freak belonged on MST3K, however, is this shot:

What the hell does that sign say?  YHJCY A+ FTJB?  What does it mean?  Is it an acronym?  A secret code?  An in-joke? A message to or from aliens?  That would have fascinated Mike and the ‘bots.  They’d have built a whole host sketch around that sign.

She Freak is tooth-rattlingly bad in many different ways.  I don’t know what any of the people in it think they’re doing but it sure isn’t acting.  It’s relentlessly padded, full of pointless footage of putting the midway up, taking the midway down, putting the midway back up again, and carnival-goers wandering around looking dazed.  At one point we have to watch a stripper do her act, to a chorus of background hooting and applause that sure isn’t coming from the bored-to-shit audience we see.  Most of the film feels like nothing is happening, and then what ought to have been the entire plot is crammed into the last fifteen minutes.

The one place where there is a glimmer of competence is in a couple of quite nice directing choices.  There’s a scene where Jade leaves her new husband with his buddies and sneaks off to bang the guy who runs the ferris wheel, Blackie (don’t worry, he’s white. She Freak has a little person called ‘Shorty’, but to my relief it wasn’t tasteless enough to cast a character named ‘Blackie’ as an African American) that makes a very good use of shadows to tell us what’s going on in two places at once.  Pity the film stock is so crappy it almost ruins it.  I also liked how Jade’s scenes with Blackie have proper dialogue, while Steve woos her in a series of montages.  Jade wants to spend time with Blackie, while her marriage to Steve is something she goes through the motions of and gets out of the way.

She Freak really has no right to tout itself as a remake of Freaks, for the simple reason that it isn’t even about the sideshow.  The older movie had characters like Hans the dwarf and Daisy and Violet the conjoined twins, who were people with relationships and roles in the plot.  In She Freak we never even see the sideshow that so upsets Jade in an early scene.  There’s Shorty, the little guy in a cowboy hat who works for the carnival, but when we see him he’s acting like he’s Steve’s friend and assistant rather than one of the exhibits.  An armless woman and a few people in funny makeup appear at the climax, but we’ve never seen them before and we have no idea who they are.  Where the hell is the ‘Alligator Girl’ the banners promised?

It’s probably all for the best.  If there had been any ‘unusual people’ with major roles in the movie it would doubtless have treated them in a disgusting and exploitative manner.  But what’s on screen shouldn’t even pretend to be a remake of Freaks.

As the owner of the sideshow, Steve insists that he cares about his employees and considers them ‘human beings, just like you and me’. He tells Jade that many of them came from abusive homes, and that in his show they’re able to earn a living and be around others who won’t judge them.  This is a reasonably noble sentiment, but what we are subsequently shown is somewhat at odds with it.  Steve says his employees are also his friends, but he hangs out and plays cards with the other carnies, not with them.  When Shorty tells him that Jade is cheating on him, Steve slaps him like he would a misbehaving child.  This is not how people treat friends and equals.

You may have guessed where this is heading: in one of my favourite running complaints, yep, we have nobody to root for in this movie.  We’re probably supposed to like Steve, but he’s bland and his actions don’t agree with his words insisting he’s a nice, compassionate guy. The character from whose point of view we see the events is of course Jade, but Jade is the villain of the movie and we’re watching it to see her hubris destroy her.  That means the protagonists ought to be the sideshow people themselves, but since we never actually meet them, their revenge is meaningless. In this context they are not human beings, they are not characters, they are merely what Jade has been calling them all along: monsters.

(Shorty, by the way, is played by Felix Silla, who is the closest thing this movie has to a star. He was Cousin Itt on the Addams Family TV show.)

She Freak presents us with several reasons why we ought to dislike Jade.  She’s introduced working at the greasy little diner, where she turns down a date first with a customer and then with her boss.  The customer accepts this gracefully but the boss does not.  The scene tries to show us Jade as an uppity bitch who thinks she’s too good for other people, but her boss is such a slimy toad that we have to take her side.  She tells us how her mother married too young and lost any chance at her own dreams, and while Claire Brennan is a terrible actress, the story is one that inspires sympathy.  When Jade seizes on the carnival as her chance for escape she becomes downright pathetic.  I mean, how awful is your life if a travelling midway and sideshow seems like a step up in the world?

Of course, as the movie continues we find that Jade really is just a snotty bitch whose idea of ‘getting more out of life’ is having a rich husband to carry her bags when she goes shopping. She sees others only as what they can provide to her – Steve for money, Blackie for sex.  This attitude blinds her to others’ true intentions.  She is entirely oblivious to the fact that Blackie is an abusive bastard or that Steve honestly loves her.  The lesson of the movie seems to be ‘beware of women who want more out of life.’  She should have known her place!

This is a pretty nasty attitude towards women but there are other female characters who are treated a bit better.  Pat the stripper tried marriage and domesticity and didn’t like it.  She seems to enjoy working at the carnival and is gregarious and kind-hearted.  We’re invited to leer at her performance but she’s presented as much less trashy than Jade, who considers herself above such things. Pat continues to try to be a friend to Jade for as long as she can, and keeps giving her second chances long after it should be obvious that Jade isn’t interested in reciprocating her kindness. There’s also Olga the fortune-teller, who needed to support herself after her husband died.  The three of them even manage to have conversations that pass the Bechdel test.  In a movie called She-Freak that’s almost impressive.

The ending of She Freak is the only place where it really even seems inspired by Freaks.  The sideshow employees take their revenge on Jade, and we see her on display in the sideshow, licking a snake and wearing some unconvincing Harvey Dent makeup.  This is supposed to feel like justice, in that she has become what she most hated, but it’s been so watered down by the movie’s refusal to humanize the sideshow, or even to show us Jade interacting with them at all, that it has no power to horrify.  It’s a big letdown after the opening scene that promised us a horrible freak that was once a human being.  Why does her burned side have an elf ear?

Invasion of the Saucer Men was not a good movie, at all, but it still deserved better than Attack of the The Eye Creatures.  It’s up for debate whether Freaks was technically ‘good’ but it was an ambitious film with much to say about how human beings treat one another and about the eugenics movement of the 1930s.  In fact, the US National Film Registry considers Freaks one of the most significant films ever made, and it currently boasts a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes.  The fact that writer David Friedman claimed She Freak was a remake of Freaks just proves that, like the audiences who booed that film in 1932, he never bothered to understand it.

[theorynexus]

Fudge, I already did 57/ Now I have to do 58/ 13 over 12, man / I guess we’re doing human stuff instead of trolling, today.

Coincidentally via some sort of textual wonder possibly related to authorial intent and/or miracles, we now have to focus on Roxy, now. Somewhat ironic, considering Terezi just said she and John wouldn’t work out. ...

***shift eyes, something about knowing the unknowable and the vagueries thereof, possible interference by the new Narrator, et cetera*** Hmmm~

What, so black holes cause suck up all the voidiness into themselves via proximity?!   Noooo~      Who’d have thought!     (In all seriousness, that gives some interesting resonance mechanic relation, here. I want to know whether it’s just Alt!Calliope that can sense said thoughts, if it’s just Roxy being over-emotional, or if any other observer would be able to pick such thoughts up and it’s just a mater of proxy-imity.)

Okay, then. I thought the point of this was to look like a completely passive observer and not tip people off other than via the black eyes, but you do you, I guess-- if that’s intentional.  Nice gazing out through the fourth wall, though. I’m sure Jade would be/is vaguely proud, knowing the narrative resonance, here, given her own fourth wall breaking shenanigans. 

I blame time and void interactions. Also Dave being an insufferable prick. Good to know, regarding Roxy and their feelings toward Dave, though.

Is Dirk going to literally shoot him in the arse?   That would be horribly ironic, and probably quite crippling to Joke Jake’s reputation and/or the power of his endorsement, if so.   Semi-related:   I do sortof understand Dave’s belief/concern with regards to the importance of this event.    What I want to know is why there are not thousands of Daves running around, all helping the campaign and being available to deal with other important tasks.

“Iced” cream is the best fricking thing, Dirk, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.

This really reminds me of Equius and Nepeta, and that is sortof cute. I almost can’t stand it.  Honestly, this relationship is actually quite similar, except Alt!Calliope is much more dominant in the relationship than Nepeta was. Also Dirk probably has more potential to damage things than Equius did (other than way out of the temporal frame of that moirallegiance, as part of Lord English--- and even then, Nepeta ironically acted as a counter to his muscle-bound rage, albeit way after much of the damage had already been done [thanks, Davesprite {albeit, unrelated to the matter at hand, this relationship was probably why Davepettasprite^2 was destined in such a way to handle Lord English, in addition to the prophesies surrounding Dave dealing with him, Davesprite being the first one to get Caledfwlch, and the flying off into the sun prophesy (which was aided greatly by Seppucrow, the true hero of the story)}]).    I guess that makes this relationship relatively more important, maybe.

So fricking wonderful and adorable.   I do wonder why there are not that many consorts, though. Maybe they are just too distracted and hyperactive to have much in the way of drive to participate in politics.  The humans I sortof vaguely understand, albeit I’d have thought that more might show up specifically for Jake’s speech, assuming that it was announced beforehand.

Dirk feels predictably antagonized, and is lashing out. I have a feeling that he’d intended to do something major before all this control was taken from him, but this will probably make it worse. Hmm.

Heh.   I don’t think that he means to “pump her full of daylight,” at the moment, so this is still funny instead of terrifying.

Huh. Dave already knew about Calliope’s gender and is chill with it. Neat.

Oh. Umm... while I’m sure that he does not need that in order to target Jade’s body if he intends to do so, that is quite foreboding. He is indeed quite capable of tricking people into doing things, at times, isn’t he?

HAH!   That is horrible, you self-obsessed weirdo! XD

More serious than being mind controlled by a space witch with bad intentions who has mind powers stolen from all the major players of her species, huh?  (I seriously still wonder how the fight against her went so relatively-seemingly easily, and what happened with her curse.  Maybe it only transfers in LE’s proximity, or something. )      ... Also, it wasn’t entirely just a joke, Roxy, geeze.

Thaaat’s what happens when your world is under a corrupting influence that is twisting the fabric of reality to their whim.  (The question is: Is this Dirk or Calliope?  Does she really have the right to judge him for his actions, if he really is expressing free will in doing so?   Yes, yes she does, because he is strongly subverting the will of others, and justice in Paradox Space demands some sort of counterbalancing force.  If his excess relevance as the Narrator is the only cost he faces, rather than dying a Just Death, he should feel lucky.)

***peals of cherubic laughter peal out in the background***    Random reminder:  Angels (in Homestuck) are terrifying demons that should be taken as harbringers of the apocalypse. Alt!Calliope has already played this job once along with Lord English. Is her presence outside canon an ill omen by definition?  (I am not sure Calliope the younger entirely counts, given her special circumstances, by the way. Hard to say.)

Beautiful. It’s almost like he’s an open PAGE of Hope, waiting to be written! 

This is a somewhat wise impression.  But it’s complicated, and great power means great responsibility. Especially when the nuclear genie has already been let out of the bottle on account of someone’s great ambition.  (Note: I actually find Jane’s impulse to rule over her creation to be a reasonable one to have, all things considered. I am not judging her negatively for this. I am just not 100% certain that it is the right path to go on before they get a few dozen more years to wise them up, or maybe a few centuries.   Wisdom is a very important thing for leadership, and it comes with age!   Of course, experience also helps, but it might be useful to have some sort of smaller-scale experimentation with politic--  oh, wait, wasn’t she made a mayor at some point, according to the credits?  That really hasn’t been emphasized in the epilogue at all, but probably should be more heavily considered.    It’s still not enough experience for me to feel confident in her, but it’s something. Hmm.)

I mean... I can hear you. I thought your awareness was still there. I guess maybe having your position of control taken away from you might have sapped that as well, maybe.   And yes, it is very interesting, indeed. Now, please put down the gun and try to negotiate more reasonably and in a more civilized fashion than the mistaken cowboy diplomacy idea you’re now engaging in. I will give Dirk some slack insofar as he is still getting used to her identifying as such, but he is sortof making a fool of himself by lashing out at Alt!Callie like that. It’s rather irrational, and doesn’t reflect very well on his character. It makes him out as being rather petulant and inflexible when it comes to identity matters.

Yeeeeep.

This is true (regarding the last part).  It is also really sad to see them fighting like this. >:

Dave, you are being a dummy. You should really stop.

Aww. That is a very cute reaction. :3 Also, that is somewhat dishonest, Alt!Calliope.  You should say “seemingly” nothing.  ***harrumphs and wags my finger at them!***

It is somewhat rude of him to laugh, but I am almost tempted to laugh too, specifically at the fact that this is Alt!Calliope confirming emphatically the beauty of their other version in Roxy’s eyes. It has a sort of ironic tension and silliness to it. Possibly some pride.        I therefore cannot entirely blame him for his laughter, for I do not know whether that is what he is laughing at, or if he’s laughing at the idea of finding an alien skull monster beautiful (which she really is).

It is sortof nice to see this encouragement from Dirk, albeit it is probably laced with irony and sarcasm.  Knowing one’s self and admitting/accepting the things one feels is incredibly important to a person’s health! It feels brotherly of him.

I wonder if Roxy actually feels that way (that it is none of her business), or if it’s Alt!Calliope’s somewhat cold (and sarcastically-directed) interpretation of things. Hmm.

A very important question to ask for someone who is dealing with their own identity issues and/or worries about their friends judging them for them. This is really all there is to say on the matter.

That is a complicated question.  The answer is this:  Identity is only partially self-deterministic.  You can certainly struggle and hope and wish for certain things, indulge in certain behaviors, and see what rubs off on you, or what you feel right about, but in all honesty, you are who you are.    This CAN change over time, and that is something that most people don’t think about. To say you “change your mind” about “the person you wanna be” is not an accurate statement: you don’t necessarily choose anything at all, other than whether you want to actually embrace who you are and/or are becoming, and if you will actually tell anyone about it.  In that sense: whether it is too late to change your mind about who you say and outwardly project you are?---  no, it is not too late.  However, it can potentially be pretty fricking confusing to people, and some friends may not be able to handle it, especially if they have pretty deeply imbedded themselves in your own journey/identity, and/or anchored themselves in it as part of their own.   This can cause them to be pretty put off, and potentially to have difficulty maintaining their relationship with you. As such, in summary:   one should be careful and always very much self-reflective about identity issues.  The choice to come out with any sort of change or difference is not an easy one, and someone should not be blamed for either side they fall upon--- whether they want to keep who they are a secret and/or for how long, or if they want to project it to the world (unless they are really violent about it and/or attempt to shame someone/force themselves upon another person as a “necessary” thing to do for their own growth/impulses or whathaveyou: that is just abusive and wrong).

No. While there is some degree of social capital involved and thus you should attempt to time things properly and take the needs of others into account (which means you have no right to get upset at them if they don’t react a certain way and/or are too involved with whatever is going on in their life right then to grapple with your assuredly stunning revelation), one does not owe their friends any sort of bombshell moment, and any sort of desire for one and/or push on someone else’s part for identity-related drama and/or revelation is actually what is greedy.

***shrug***     I guess it’s funny insofar as it has psychological humor wrapped into it and it makes the phraseology more cutesy (thus more approachable, I guess), but it’s not mind-blowing or anything.

And that’s okay. Someone can be casual about these things and not make it a federal fricking issue if they don’t want to.  It’s also okay to have repeated revelations and/or constantly wrestle with who you actually are. It’s not something to be embarrassed about or paranoid with in a social respect, especially in a world with numerous different species of alien humanoids that have different and somewhat conflicting types of identities and drives.  Almost indisputably, that should make identity issues less of a socially big deal.

Yes. Just like you helped him before.   Oh wait, what was that? You had years to figure it out, but did nothing?    Ah, well. Couldn’t be helped, I guess.   Brothers do have their own separate matters to consider, after all.

***snickers***      Honestly, he’s probably right, but for different reasons than he’s expressing.    

***cough time travel, cough***       Note:  I actually don’t want to read that. It would feel like a really awkward sort of waste of narrative time.  I’m just annoyed at the very ironic lack of time manipulation he’s been doing. Though in this case it sortof does suit him, insofar as he is using time concerns that he obviously could get around as if they were a suit of armor and/or armaments for him to verbally exploit.  Very knight-y. Aaand this feels like about the right time to end this post.

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, October 26

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s love letters to Prince Andrew 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Melanie Griffith looks alarmingly skinny in L.A., Machine Gun Kelly hangs out the passenger side of his ride in West Hollywood, Cynthia Nixon 

Page 3: Pierce Brosnan takes it easy in Hawaii, pot-puffing rapper Snoop Dogg looks mighty mellow while playing DJ at a California concert, Jennifer Garner hits the beach in Malibu 

Page 4: Rod Stewart’s wife Penny Lancaster didn’t think she was sexy after pigging out during the pandemic and having a hormone- and booze-fueled breakdown -- Penny says she and Rod treated lockdown like a grand vacation until she resolved to change her ways after seeing an unflattering selfie, Kim Kardashian is desperate to dump husband Kanye West but she is thinking with her head not her heart as she negotiates a pre-divorce deal to carve up their $3 billion fortune and she aims to avoid a dirty public divorce war over their fortune and their daughters North and Chicago and sons Saint and Psalm and Kim has all the paperwork ready to go but Kanye is burying his head in the sand and refusing to sit down and mediate -- Kim knows the moment she pulls the trigger all hell will break loose so she’s content to sit it out in the hope Kanye comes to his senses and makes this as amicable as possible after six years of marriage

Page 5: Warning signs are blinking for Katie Holmes’ red-hot romance with Emilio Vitolo Jr. because his mom doesn’t like their romance -- Emilio upset his mother by dumping his fiancee just hours before pictures of him canoodling with Katie surfaced and his mom thinks she brought him up better than that and she didn’t like how Emilio handled this at all, Mariah Carey never did the horizontal mambo with former fiance James Packer and when asked why Packer wasn’t mentioned in her memoir she said if it was a relationship that mattered it’s in the book but if not it didn’t occur and said they didn’t have a physical relationship 

Page 6: Whoopi Goldberg is riding roughshod on The View and her co-hosts are whining she’s a self-obsessed and money-grubbing pain tyrant -- Whoopi’s disenchanted with her role on the show and that’s become a problem for everybody -- she’s nailing the political commentaries but she’s been badgering the other ladies to step up and quit expecting her to be The View’s political know-it-all 

Page 7: Despairing Lisa Marie Presley wants to spend her final days at Graceland and then be buried next to her father and son -- since her only son Benjamin Keough committed suicide Lisa Marie is still beside herself with grief and she’s losing the will to go on -- her liver problems have roared back and she faces almost certain death if the vital organ fails

Page 8: Dolly Parton is ready to splurge $2 million for a total head-to-toe cosmetic surgery makeover in a grand last hurrah before her 75th birthday in January and she intends to wow the world with her new younger look while she parades her just released holiday album and new Netflix movie -- Dolly can’t wait for people to get a load of her and they’ll never believe her age

Page 9: Tommy Lee swears he’s been sober for a year but says before his last rehab stint he was swilling two gallons of vodka a day, blabbermouth talk show star Sharon Osbourne boasts that even after 38 years of marriage she and husband Ozzy Osbourne still do it at least twice a week, Led Zeppelin’s rockers are feeling like they’re in paradise after winning a long lawsuit claiming they stole the beginning of their monster 1971 hit Stairway to Heaven -- the band was accused of stealing the guitar opening for the tune from the song Taurus by the late Randy Wolfe of the band Spirit and the lawyer for Wolfe’s estate grumbles the band won on a legal technicality and Zeppelin rockers are the biggest art thieves of all times 

Page 10: A bitter feud that’s ripped apart the family of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin could end after his niece Rebecca Lobie extended an olive branch to his pregnant daughter Bindi Irwin -- the two had been at odds since Rebecca left her gig as managing director of the family’s Australia Zoo in 2015 and now Rebecca hopes to mend ways with her cousins Robert Irwin and Bindi, Sadie Robertson reveals she developed an eating disorder when she was body-shamed after competing on Dancing with the Stars in 2014, Ghostbusters star Rick Moranis was socked and knocked to the ground in a cowardly sneak attack by a thug while taking a 7:30 a.m. walk in the Big Apple and he suffered head and back and hip pain and was checked at a hospital before heading to a police station to report the vicious attack that was caught on video 

Page 11: Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are about to get clobbered with a whopping megabucks tax bill if they stay in the U.S. for too much longer because any foreigner who spends at least 183 days in the country is liable for federal and California state taxes and that means if they’re still here after the first week of November the taxman will be sending the pair who are worth an estimated $26 million a massive tab, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have snubbed his grandma Queen Elizabeth’s annual Christmas get-together for the second year in a row even though at age 94 this will likely be her last holiday season -- Harry and Meghan are not ready to leave their cushy life in Montecito and at this stage they are really enjoying their new life in California and their new home 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Colin Hanks stocks up on supplies in West Hollywood (picture), Rumer Willis is in kinky online snaps leaving little to the imagination in an image from her aptly named Bondage photo series the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore wears nothing but thigh high boots and black rope binding her nude body, Kylie Jenner has taken obnoxious to a whole new level when she proudly shared online snaps of her two-year-old daughter Stormi wearing a $12,000 Hermes backpack to start at-home preschool, Kathie Lee Gifford’s daughter Cassidy Gifford brought her husband Ben Wierda for a Celebrity Family Feud taping but his game show debut ended up showcasing that his snug-crotched khakis outlined too much below-the-belt junk

Page 13: Kate Moss in London (picture), Chiwetel Ejiofor shoots the heist flick Lockdown in London (picture), Gwen Stefani gets into the Halloween spirit in L.A. (picture), Drew Barrymore says she is terrible at keeping things but she does have the red cowboy hat she wore in E.T.

Page 14: Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli’s daughter Olivia Jade’s boyfriend Jackson Guthy who is the son of cosmetics magnate Victoria Jackson and direct-marketing mogul Bill Guthy was arrested for DUI in Santa Monica, Justin Bieber and bride Hailey Bieber made it through a whole year of marriage and made a splashy display of the milestone on social media, Fashion Verdict -- Arica Himmel 8/10, Katherine Waterston 4/10, Alessandra Ambrosio 3/10, Josie Canseco 9/10, Maisie Williams 2/10 

Page 16: Following the heart-breaking crash of a two-year romance Reba McEntire is sporting a loving glow bouncing back into the arms of CSI: Miami hunk Rex Linn -- the two had their first date in January and have been virtual dating during the COVID-19 lockdown -- she said it’s just great getting to talk to somebody who she finds very interesting and funny and smart and who is interested in her too plus he’s very into her music and she’s into his career 

Page 17: Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas have agreed to a trial separation after their sizzling affair was chilled by work-forced separation -- the pair were red hot until Ben split to film in Ireland and his long-distance calls with an eight-hour time difference to Ana turned into bicker-fests because they’ve both been getting defensive and bickering over even trivial things and frustrated with the small window they’ve got to talk and the connection isn’t great and they end up hanging up on each other -- Ana’s tired of being stuck in that big house of his alone in Los Angeles and she feels like the hired help doing chores and walking dogs so they agreed to take a few weeks of chilling out and see where they are after that, beloved TV icon Regis Philbin spent his final desperate months wallowing in gloom over the pandemic; according to Kathie Lee Gifford Regis couldn’t perform anywhere and he couldn’t be Regis for people and it broke his heart 

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Sara Gilbert, Pretty Woman boosted Jason Alexander’s career but the 1990 blockbuster had its downside because he was known around the world as the a-hole who tried to rape Julia Roberts and women would say mean things to him and punch him and he even got spit on by one woman, devastated Chrissy Teigen had a tragic miscarriage of a baby boy she’d named Jack -- the mom of two and wife of John Legend has been hospitalized in L.A. after experiencing complications and weeks before the miscarriage she was treated with Botox to relieve really bad pregnancy headaches 

Page 20: True Crime 

Page 24: Cover Story -- Ghislaine Maxwell’s love letters put Prince Andrew on the spot -- murdered sex predator Jeffrey Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine is burying Prince Andrew under an avalanche of love letters proclaiming she’ll defend the disgraced British royal and begging for him to return her loyalty and affection -- now being held in a New York federal jail as she awaits trial on sex trafficking charges related to the late billionaire pervert Ghislaine writes Andrew most days saying how badly she fells about what he’s gone through and urging them to get through this nightmare together -- Andrew’s made some terrible decisions but even he knows it would be suicide to make any contact with Ghislaine and he needs to keep his distance and hope she stops writing these letters 

Page 26: Health Report 

Page 38: Real Life 

Page 40: John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono is telling friends she’s knocking on heaven’s door -- the ailing 87-year-old is confined to a wheelchair and needs round-the-clock care and she’s been privately confiding she’s on her way out sparking worry and confusion -- the question swirls does she really think her days are numbered or is she just fishing for sympathy and attention and premature eulogies from VIPs all over the world 

Page 44: Straight Talk -- After living through a nightmare of false prosecution and imprisonment and persecution for a murder of her roommate Amanda Knox has been sucked into the criminal cult world of NXIVM whose kinky leader Keith Raniere has been convicted of sex trafficking children 

Page 45: Kirstie Alley is set to chuck hectic Hollywood for the quiet life on a farm with a down-to-earth country guy -- Kansas-born Kirstie has been quarantining in Wichita for the past seven months and now realizes how little she misses Hollywood and how much she loves living a more simple laid-back life so she’s decided to buy a farm and has sold her 21-bedroom in Maine which has been her second home for the past 30 years so she can move to the country

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- Al Pacino in 1983′s Scarface, Bizarre But True 

[avoutput]

Forced Perspective || The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi had a profound effect on me by the time the curtain closed. Rian Johnson had forced me to reach deep inside and ask a question I had never really thought about when it came to Star Wars. And once that first question had passed through my mind, it turned out to be merely a cork holding back more. Star Wars has always been something I have taken for granted. I was born shortly after Return of the Jedi, and since then I have always known it to be a safe space for all who dare to learn of science fiction. It’s shallow waters, the wading pool, calm, warm, and relaxing. Anyone can enjoy it and did. You can safely discuss it at a mixed party because even if no one has seen it, they are aware of it. Almost like using the force, as it connects and binds us together, you can find a friend just by mentioning its name. But now, out of the shallow waters, I come ashore, bothered by the question that weighs heavy on my mind. I sit on my own Nerd Island, alone but for the internet that connects us all, and I am forced to ponder still, “Do I like Star Wars?”

I am older now, but I grew up with the Skywalkers. It was the kind of series that was almost like a baby blanket; you carry it around with you everywhere, pacifying your insecurities and passing the endless afternoons lost in its embrace. In my tweens, episodes 1 through 3 had arrived, but I was still a bit too young to tear them down or pull them apart or really do anything but watch. I knew it felt off, but so too did the Special Editions. At the time, I thought maybe I just didn’t like change or that I was jaded. When The Force Awakens landed, I was impressed. Mostly because I had come to terms with the prequels in some way and Episode VII returned Star Wars to its roots with a modern visual twist. Now, The Last Jedi, has come to basically tell fans everything they wanted to hear. “You were right. Practical effects don’t need to replaced. All your favorite characters are the legends you have always built them up to be. You deserve to be rewarded for your faith. Star Wars is everything YOU want it to be.” We can look at this film as the Star Wars cannon that exploits everything about its universe for the good of the viewer. But that line of thought all derives from the fan in me. The fan I am now questioning. Because now, this fan is not only an adult, but an amateur film critic.

I had trouble digesting this film. The Last Jedi pushes Star Wars in directions I don’t think anyone thought the cinematic cannon would allow. It is a daring film in its own universe, far more so then its mirror film The Empire Strikes Back. But the more I thought about it, the more I recognized how many choices were made for the sake progressing the story. To be clear, without giving anything away, there are many unexplained transitions. People returning to or ending up in places inexplicably. Though at points glaringly obvious, they deftly move past this, showing us cannon defining consequences for the characters, possibly as a way to divert your attention from their laziness. You can’t help feel that it's all too convenient. The narrative is tenuously held together. Were the audience given much of a chance, they might start asking questions, and the more questions you ask, the more you realize you have been rationalizing the plot for the writers. “How did Rey get there? Oh, she must have…” This seemed to me to have been the bane of science fiction/fantasy stories, especially those that are advanced completely by the characters like Star Wars. Unlike most films in this category, the characters are the focus point and the world revolves around them. Unexplained transition is by far the largest flaw in the film. The original trilogy by comparison had a solid narrative, possibly due to the technology at the time or the sentiments of film and storytelling. A New Hope explained each coincidence or choice along the way, and not always verbally, but visually as well.

Recognizing The Last Jedi’s narrative issues, it was still able to do something films aren’t always able to do. It connects with you emotionally. I had goosebumps, my palms were sweaty, I felt sad, happy, and excited. At this point, I realize I am having trouble viewing this as an outsider. Star Wars is too close to me. Objectively, I would argue that the value of an emotional connection in a story is higher than any flaw found with its execution. It also has the added benefit of being a serialized story, building with each entry. But, if you are able to connect with your audience, through visuals, music, acting, and direction, than you have effectively made a “good” film, even if much of the emotional connection relies on previous entries. Still, this can be a hard torch to pass, it isn’t without its difficulty. Visually, you couldn’t ask for a more satisfying Star Wars. It is ripe with an amazing color palette, physical props, some of the best CGI in the game, and more than enough background fun for fans. The music is a bit more bombastic than in previous outings and at times feels a bit out of place, but it still ranks as some of the most iconic in cinema. The softer songs are so inspired, I can see myself listening to them often in the future. And finally, Mark Hamill gets to be the man we always wanted him to be. Cool. Mark Hamill is finally cool. A brooding old Jedi Master, Hamill brings to life a version of Luke that Hayden Christensen should have been able to manifest in Anakin. It has become my favorite performance by Hamill to date. Oscar worthy? Not by Earth standards, but Star Wars fans might never find better. The late Carrie Fisher was much more comfortable playing Leia than her stilted performance in The Force Awakens. She was commanding, nurturing, funny, and natural. The rest of the cast, Adam Driver (Kylo Ren), Daisy Ridley (Rey), John Boyega (Finn), Oscar Isaac (Poe), and Domhnall Gleeson (Gen. Hux) all play up their characters for bigger laughs and deeper emotional connections this time. Newcomer Kelly Marie Tran (Rose) instantly fell into the ranks without any trouble at all.

This brings me back to director Rian Johnson. I own all of his major releases, Brick (2005), The Brothers Bloom (2008), and Looper (2012). (I only realized this having just looked at his IMDB page.) He has a special eye for detail, the kind of quality that breathes life into anything he points a camera at. The backdrops and surroundings are just as important as the people standing in them, and he has his own spin on this, using clean lines and hyper detail. He also seemed to have a hard on for Anime, like Cowboy Bebop or Macross. All of his talents are at their peak in The Last Jedi. However, there are moments of in this film that seem a bit compromised. Mostly, it’s the forced, unnatural comedy. The film opens a bit like Thor, with a dull, moronic, misplaced joke that might satiate the masses, but it felt so out of place for Star Wars. It’s not that it disturbed the natural order of a sci-fi/fantasy, but it definitely reminds you that you are in a theater, on planet earth, in the year 2017, which is something I am trying to escape from. And these jokes are found throughout the film, quite possibly meant to balance correct the mood of a “Disney” film, but they could have found more natural ways to go about it. In The Force Awakens, the comedy comes from a natural shtick, bumping into things, miscommunication, and dramatic character interactions. Still, Johnson always drew me back in with his love of the characters at the heart of the Skywalker saga. He took care to make sure that every moment on screen advances who they are and conflicts with who they want to be. He drew out an originality in Star Wars I haven’t seen since The Empire Strikes Back.

Having spent the better part of the day thinking about my initial question, I have come to a conclusion. Star Wars means more to me symbolically than any flaw you can find in it as a film. And while my ability to look at the film objectively has caused me to philosophically question my devotion to both film and Star Wars, I have come out the other side able to recognize that some projects, over time, become a part of you. They transcend your ability to be critical of their flaws, because like family, they can be forgiven. I forgave the prequels of all their misgivings because they still gave me more than they took away. I still had hope for them. I still had hope for Star Wars. That being said, The Last Jedi may have problems gluing together its parts, but the parts it is trying to stick together are still powerful and impressive cinema, whether that be the actors, script, set, effects, music, or story. It still sits on the pillars of everything Star Wars was built upon and stands for. It still brings people together both on screen and in the theater. So, do I like Star Wars? Yes. Do I like The Last Jedi? Absolutely. Is it a good film? It depends on who you ask, it has its problems, but from where I’m sitting, it seems the force is strong with this one.

May the force be with you, always.

~* 8/10 *~

(Secret Star Wars Score: 9/10)

[anon--h]

*leans on table* Overwatchstuck. Thoughts?

*sips tea* hmmm curious. Most curious indeed. I always get waaaay to enthusiastic about asks like this, so I hope you’re ready for a trip.

I suppose it makes sense to begin with the most obvious of the bunch. Jade would make a nigh perfect Ana. Both are snipers and both come in a young and an old version. The sleepdart would be a funny reference to her presumed narcolepsy as well. No idea when Ana becomes a furry though.

Adhering to genders is BS. Eridan = Widowmaker. Long distance fighters with techno-rifles, an affinity for the color purple, canonically cold-blooded and a backstory about betraying their former loyalties and killing their love-interest. I don’t think he can pull off the widowbooty but your mileage may vary.

It is tempting to put Dave down as Genji. Swordwielding ninja’s, damaged in some capacity by their older siblings and all that. Taking everything else into consideration however, the guy is just a snarkier Lucio. He doesn’t want to be the hero, but is completely willing to support John, Jade or Rose and fight the good fight. He does have combat skills, is still hella mobile, but really he just wants to shoot the shit and turn some tables. JUST LET HIM BE A DJ.

I could say Rose makes the perfect edgelord Reaper player, but honestly, she’s above thát petty level of angst.No, Rose goes the extra mile and works perfect as a Symmetra player, taking on a more tactical role in the team. They are the eloquent shittalkers that are much better than you. Also, both have an affinity for light but are/were associated with a corrupting influence.

Jake would either be Tracer or Mccree. Tracer for the shapely buttocks and guns, and Mccree for the guns, crimes against the english language and sheer corn factor. Going with Mccree seems logical because Tracer would be a stronger fit on a timeplayer, but really either works. Jake needs a character that fits his brand of cheesiness and horrible sensibilities and you can’t get much more cheesy than Tracer and a literal cowboy cosplayer. 

Dirk, like Dave, would also be a candidate for Genji, but I think he would make a better Torbjörn. Little regard for proper social conduct, mechanically gifted, rightfully weary of trolls/omnics and usually speaking in a way no one can understand, Less importantly, both are blondes and have cool eyewear. Alternatively, Dirk would be Winston. Scientifically gifted but isolated, save for AI companionship, and planning a get-together/reunion in a unnecessarily extra way.

Roxy was a little agonizing to figure out, because personalitywise she screams D.VA. (winkyface/wonk non-problematic girl gamers) but her skillset makes her an ideal Sombra. Aesthetically, she is a complete mix of the two: she would totally wear Sombra’s ugly shoes and completely love Hana’s icon. Roxy would hack the Illuminati, but she would also livestream it for shits and giggles. She can go either way ánd would make both a good D.VA and Sombra.

Outside of the weapons, Aradia is essentially a Tracer who used her chrono-accelerator to access godlike abilities. Both (presumed) dead, they were given a new chance by the mechanics of their respective teams. They are both adventurers, thrillseekers and lesbians have dazzling smiles. I don’t believe we have a canon example of Tracer doing the fingergun thing, but let’s be real: she totally would.  

Karkat would unironically think Reaper is the coolest thing.  

Kanaya would be Zenyatta or Roadhog, which didn’t seem farfetched until I wrote it down. Thankfully, she is mostly Zenyatta. She is easily the sanest person on her team, has a calming presence and is associated with healing and stimulating growth. All qualities any omnic budhist. would be proud of. That being said, she is incredibly strong and kills/maims with no guilt. No drawn out combat either, her kills are usually 1HKO’s, much like Roadhog. That and they both take care of destructive maniacs who are a danger to themselves and their surroundings.  

Terezi is a Hanzo main. This says more about Hanzo mains than Terezi. Also dragons.

You might be surprised to find that Vriska isn’t Widowmaker, because spiders and huge bitches. Instead, Vriska is a total Mei. Loathed by friend and foe, often hindering her own team for shits and giggles, the face of pure evil and the source of endless discourse.

Equius is a Zarya who looking whistfully at Hanzo, thinking about what could have been. Not a noble archer but a powerful damagesponge that could probably bench their entire team and punches robots for fun. 

Not entirely sold on this one, but Gamzee would be Bastion. Incredible damage output, mental instability and an unlikely source of pacification (pie/birb). Also part of a caste/model that commits gratuitous mass murder, equipped with a unfair healing factor and very….divisive in their communities.  

Both Feferi and Jane would be an adequate Mercy. It hás to be a life-player or else, what’s the point? Meenah would still be a poor fit though. Both Jane and Feferi have the ocassional bouts of sass befitting Mercy, but only Feferi has the whole ‘deal with not-satan’ going on. So, I propose: Feferi=witch skin Mercy, Jane=vanila Mercy. 

Horuss is Orisa, the robot horse.

Clubs Deuce & Hearts Boxcars are basically Junkrat and Roadhog. Scatterbrained demolitionists and muscles-that-probably-ate-a-man.

Pharah could be Rufioh, as seemingly the only other flying character, but that’s all they have in common. Instead, I propose PM. They are both lawful good to a fault, have a strict sense of duty and JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!

[cinesight-blog]

Die Hard at 30 Years Old

The action genre of film is relatively young, drawing inspiration from crime/thrillers, martial arts, suspense and mostly from westerns. Most of it can be traced to “tough guy” cinema  - cowboys wielding guns at High Noon to win the heart of the woman in whichever town they’re drifting through. The real change came with James Bond films and explosions found their way into cinema. Films like Star Wars came out, put butts in seats and we all watched as the genre became the most exciting new thing on the big screen since Gene Kelly in Singin in the Rain. Jump to 1988, and you have a very peculiar action film come out. John McTiernan, riding the success of  1987’s “Predator”, decided he wanted to one-up himself by making an action film that would help shape the genre going forward.

Fresh off his Return of Bruno, Bruce Willis was known as ‘the actor from Moonlighting’ and wasn’t a household name yet. Neither was Alan Rickman, as it was his first film; he came onto the big screen as half of an iconic good guy vs bad guy matchup. In Die Hard, Officer John McClane is dealt some rough cards - he has to spend Christmas in LA, one of the least festive locations to be in during the traditionally chilly holiday. John, a tough New York cop, is visiting his ex-wife and kids and runs into a little bit of trouble along the way. The movie doesn’t waste any time with subplots and character development. Instead, it goes all-in on the idea of a terrorist-led building takeover by Hans Gruber. John is caught up in the middle of saving his ex-wife and twarting these goons, all while everyone else in the city is asleep on Christmas Eve. The simplicity of the movie is really what makes it so incredible. We know who the bad guys are, and we hate them even more once we learn their motivation. We know the good guys once they enter the picture - and we connect with them. Bruce Willis’ John McClane is probably the coolest action character ever created because he exudes the persona of what every action movies fan wants to see. He’s the tough guy with a heart who wants to do right by his family, even considering everything that has jaded him.

Going forward from this film, you can see that there was a shift in terms of how much could be done under the new action umbrella. Bruce Willis was funny without seeming campy and tough without coming off as invincible.You can see fear and intensity in scenes with heavy gunfire and the dread of knowing a character is killed off. It all culminates in a satisfying end that gives the final “shot” to Carl Winslow and shows our hero riding off into the sunset of the Action Hero Hall of Fame. Bravo, Die Hard - you look great 30 years later and surely still will in another 30 years.

[red-dead-reloaded]

We all just need some little John in our lives

We’ve all got our secrets, and I’m gonna let you in on one of mine: My life kinda sucks. 

I’m 35, got no job, just a few days ago I was sitting here hunched over, twiddling my thumbs, regretting all those bad decisions and wondering what the hell the meaning of it all is.

Well, it turns out John Marston was doing the same. No job, lots of regrets, wondering what the hell it was all for. 

Oh yeah, did I mention? We both hate Edgar Ross. 

So I guess we got a lot in common.

But ever since I convinced him to hit the road with me on our standup comedy bonanza, I’ve got this guy telling me jokes ALL the time. 

Seriously, he just won’t shut the hell up. 

But you know what? I can’t stop goddamn LAUGHING. This little John in my head is all the medicine I need right now.

So, I thought about all those assholes John and the guys keep running into. Braithwaites, O'Driscolls, that dude in Saint Denis…

Why are they all so goddamn MISERABLE?

Then I realised the answer: 

They all just need some more John in their lives. A big serving of little John. 

Maybe we all need some little John from time to time. 

[red-dead-reloaded]

John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour

Chapter 1: The PLAN

Hitch up your horse, partner, and I'll spin you a yarn.

This is the 💯TRUE STORY of how I managed to convince the legendary John Marston to give up the life of an outlaw and to pursue his true calling as the greatest standup comedian to ever grace the dingy saloons this side of the Mississippi.

THIS is the fanfic you never knew you needed to read.

👉This is the tale of how it all started.👈

(And this is how it goes)

[red-dead-reloaded]

The Birth of a STAR

So, I’m out there in Blackwater. Just mindin’ my own business. Some feller decides he wants to block the path, he's gettin' all up in my face about it, like it's my fault he can't see two feet in fronta him.

“Outta the way, dumbass,” he says.

Uh oh, this one thinks he’s a tough guy. 

So, what do I do? I hit him with:

“Hey mister, you have a kind face.” 

And he just stands there like he don’t know whether to kiss me or smack me. 

I decide I'm gonna knock him out with some good old circle:

“…The kind I’d like to PUNCH!”

And he looks at me like he don’t know what hit him! Didn’t even have to throw a single goddamn swing. 

So then, I'm thinkin':

“Hey, John, you’re pretty funny! What are you doin’ bein’ an outlaw?”

And that little John inside my head goes:

“You know what? I don’t even goddamn know. Shits rough out here, like, I got goddamn Edgar Ross on my back. If I ain’t careful, I’ll have his goddamn bullets in my back.”

That's right, John. But what can I do about it? I mulled it over for a bit.

“Y’know, John, you had some pretty good zingers in that first game. You’re kinda a funny guy.”

And he says:

“Thank you.”

And that’s when I drop him with the big one:

“Quit the outlaw life, be a comedian”. 

And he says:

“Hm, that ain’t such a bad idea.”

He thinks about it some more. 

“BUT you gotta be my right hand woman. Help me write them lines. Can’t do it on my own, y’know?”

And it dawned on me: I’m a woman in need of a laugh. I’m sitting down here at the ass end of the world, stewing in my own mediocrity. I need an OUTLET for all them bad jokes pent up over the years. 

So, I say to John:

“You’re on. We are gonna make it big. You, me, and the big wild world out there. “

And of course, I remember that there ain’t no little John in my head. 

So, what do I do? 

I take that big wild world and I make it real. On paper. 

John Marston and I, on our way to Vegas. Hitting up towns, one killer show at a time.

[red-dead-reloaded]

Brainstorming Time

John Marston and I are camping out somewhere in Lemoyne. We’d packed up and left the gang just a day or so ago. If we're gonna start our tour, we need to come up with some jokes, of course.

We haven't done any shows yet, so we're busy brainstorming, coming up with the kinda material that'll make the audience wanna kiss our feet. 'Cause, you know, we'd rather not get a lynching instead.

I turn to John:

"Alright, John, whaddya got? Hit me with your best one."

John's sits there, he's rubbing his hands together and nodding as he thinks for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes widen, he's got an idea.

"Alright, listen up, Kate. This one's a good one."

I'm on the edge of my seat. I know it's gonna be great, I'll be rolling around in the Lemoyne swamp any moment now.

"This one's really funny. Actually, it's Bill's story, but he ain't gonna mind," John says.

I rub my hands together with glee. Even if it's Bill's story, John'll give it that little dose of magic, he’ll tell it with that god-given charm he’s got. It's gonna be gold.

John clears his throat.

"It was a cold, cold night up in the mountains. One o' the fellers says to the other, 'Hey, Bill, tell us a tale.' And this is the tale he told—"

"—STOP! PLEASE, NO!!!" I throw my hands up in protest. I can't bring myself to listen for a moment longer.

John looks at me all confused and that.

"But I haven't even told ya the tale yet!"

I take a deep breath. Maybe I'll give him another chance.

"Okay… Go on, then," I say, feeling nervous, getting ready to cringe at any moment.

John nods, still looking a little confused, but he gets back to his story.

"Alright then, so as I was sayin', it was a cold, cold night up in the mountains. One o' the fellers says to the other, 'Hey Bill, tell us a tale.' And this is the tale he told…"

But what was that tale, you ask? Confidential. Top secret info. Can't tell you before the show, of course.