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The Side Hustle

Hey there ladies, fellers, and y'all fine folks! John Marston here, keepin' you up to date on a little somethin' we're workin' on out here.

So I know you're sittin' there, pressin' refresh, waitin' on the edge of your seat for the next installment of our main adventure. Hell, I would be too.

Problem is, Kate here ain't too bright at tellin' a tale, so in the meanwhile, I'll hit ya with a few of these little rib-ticklers we got goin' on the side.

(Just don't tell her I said that, can't write them lines on my own, y'know!)

We threw 'em down on a list at the bottom. I take credit for the title, thought it was pretty funny myself. Ha ha, shootin'...

But don't forget to join yours truly for our big standup comedy extravaganza as we tour the States on our mission to bust up a few guts like Arthur can bust up a wagon. With laughter.

(Had to clarify that one, 'cause I'm also pretty well known for that other kinda gut bustin', too. The SHOTGUN kind!) 🥁

So anyways, the show's called The Good, The Bad, and the Goddamn Outrageous.

But it also happens to be pretty goddamn hilarious!

At least Kate, my right hand writin' woman, seems to think so, anyhow. And hell, y'know what? So do I!

So c'mon down for the whole story in John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour. It'll be a blast, like when Arthur blew that wheelbarrow o' pig shit up in Emmet Granger's face? An' probably just as messy, if I'm to be honest with ya. Ain't no secret that I don't got these scars from fallin' over in church, ya know!

Anyhow, my good folks, hope to see ya at the show. Need some support in the crowd there, y'know? Don't want them townsfolk turnin' up with pitchforks 'cause they can't take a joke like a bottle can't take Sean's bullet.

Thank you for all your love an' support on the trail. Couldn't do it without ya. Love ya 💋

Yours truly,

John Marston

Shootin' Down the Fourth Wall

⭐ This shit is EXCLUSIVE. It ain't gettin' told at our shows. ⭐

The archive of John's own

The Birth of a STAR

Brainstorming Time

We all just need some more little John in our lives

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Even John has his own little John.

I just noticed. Tee hee 🤭

We all just need some little John in our lives

We’ve all got our secrets, and I’m gonna let you in on one of mine: My life kinda sucks. 

I’m 35, got no job, just a few days ago I was sitting here hunched over, twiddling my thumbs, regretting all those bad decisions and wondering what the hell the meaning of it all is.

Well, it turns out John Marston was doing the same. No job, lots of regrets, wondering what the hell it was all for. 

Oh yeah, did I mention? We both hate Edgar Ross. 

So I guess we got a lot in common.

But ever since I convinced him to hit the road with me on our standup comedy bonanza, I’ve got this guy telling me jokes ALL the time. 

Seriously, he just won’t shut the hell up. 

But you know what? It’s not just great, It’s FAN-goddamn-TASTIC! I mean, I can’t stop goddamn LAUGHING. 

This little John in my head is all the medicine I need right now.

So, I thought about all those assholes John and the guys keep running into. Braithwaites, O'Driscolls, that dude in Saint Denis…

Why are they all so goddamn MISERABLE?

Then I realised the answer: 

They all just need some more John in their lives. A big serving of little John. 

Maybe we all need some little John from time to time. 

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We all just need some little John in our lives

We’ve all got our secrets, and I’m gonna let you in on one of mine: My life kinda sucks. 

I’m 35, got no job, just a few days ago I was sitting here hunched over, twiddling my thumbs, regretting all those bad decisions and wondering what the hell the meaning of it all is.

Well, it turns out John Marston was doing the same. No job, lots of regrets, wondering what the hell it was all for. 

Oh yeah, did I mention? We both hate Edgar Ross. 

So I guess we got a lot in common.

But ever since I convinced him to hit the road with me on our standup comedy bonanza, I’ve got this guy telling me jokes ALL the time. 

Seriously, he just won’t shut the hell up. 

But you know what? I can’t stop goddamn LAUGHING. This little John in my head is all the medicine I need right now.

So, I thought about all those assholes John and the guys keep running into. Braithwaites, O'Driscolls, that dude in Saint Denis…

Why are they all so goddamn MISERABLE?

Then I realised the answer: 

They all just need some more John in their lives. A big serving of little John. 

Maybe we all need some little John from time to time. 

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John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour

Chapter 1: The PLAN

Hitch up your horse, partner, and I'll spin you a yarn.

This is the 💯TRUE STORY of how I managed to convince the legendary John Marston to give up the life of an outlaw and to pursue his true calling as the greatest standup comedian to ever grace the dingy saloons this side of the Mississippi.

THIS is the fanfic you never knew you needed to read.

👉This is the tale of how it all started.👈

(And this is how it goes)

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Brainstorming Time

John Marston and I are camping out somewhere in Lemoyne. We’d packed up and left the gang just a day or so ago. If we're gonna start our tour, we need to come up with some jokes, of course.

We haven't done any shows yet, so we're busy brainstorming, coming up with the kinda material that'll make the audience wanna kiss our feet. 'Cause, you know, we'd rather not get a lynching instead.

I turn to John:

"Alright, John, whaddya got? Hit me with your best one."

John's sits there, he's rubbing his hands together and nodding as he thinks for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes widen, he's got an idea.

"Alright, listen up, Kate. This one's a good one."

I'm on the edge of my seat. I know it's gonna be great, I'll be rolling around in the Lemoyne swamp any moment now.

"This one's really funny. Actually, it's Bill's story, but he ain't gonna mind," John says.

I rub my hands together with glee. Even if it's Bill's story, John'll give it that little dose of magic, he’ll tell it with that god-given charm he’s got. It's gonna be gold.

John clears his throat.

"It was a cold, cold night up in the mountains. One o' the fellers says to the other, 'Hey, Bill, tell us a tale.' And this is the tale he told—"

"—STOP! PLEASE, NO!!!" I throw my hands up in protest. I can't bring myself to listen for a moment longer.

John looks at me all confused and that.

"But I haven't even told ya the tale yet!"

I take a deep breath. Maybe I'll give him another chance.

"Okay… Go on, then," I say, feeling nervous, getting ready to cringe at any moment.

John nods, still looking a little confused, but he gets back to his story.

"Alright then, so as I was sayin', it was a cold, cold night up in the mountains. One o' the fellers says to the other, 'Hey Bill, tell us a tale.' And this is the tale he told…"

But what was that tale, you ask? Confidential. Top secret info. Can't tell you before the show, of course.

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The Birth of a STAR

So, I’m out there in Blackwater. Just mindin’ my own business. Some feller decides he wants to block the path, he's gettin' all up in my face about it, like it's my fault he can't see two feet in fronta him.

“Outta the way, dumbass,” he says.

Uh oh, this one thinks he’s a tough guy. 

So, what do I do? I hit him with:

“Hey mister, you have a kind face.” 

And he just stands there like he don’t know whether to kiss me or smack me. 

I decide I'm gonna knock him out with some good old circle:

“…The kind I’d like to PUNCH!”

And he looks at me like he don’t know what hit him! Didn’t even have to throw a single goddamn swing. 

So then, I'm thinkin':

“Hey, John, you’re pretty funny! What are you doin’ bein’ an outlaw?”

And that little John inside my head goes:

“You know what? I don’t even goddamn know. Shits rough out here, like, I got goddamn Edgar Ross on my back. If I ain’t careful, I’ll have his goddamn bullets in my back.”

That's right, John. But what can I do about it? I mulled it over for a bit.

“Y’know, John, you had some pretty good zingers in that first game. You’re kinda a funny guy.”

And he says:

“Thank you.”

And that’s when I drop him with the big one:

“Quit the outlaw life, be a comedian”. 

And he says:

“Hm, that ain’t such a bad idea.”

He thinks about it some more. 

“BUT you gotta be my right hand woman. Help me write them lines. Can’t do it on my own, y’know?”

And it dawned on me: I’m a woman in need of a laugh. I’m sitting down here at the ass end of the world, stewing in my own mediocrity. I need an OUTLET for all them bad jokes pent up over the years. 

So, I say to John:

“You’re on. We are gonna make it big. You, me, and the big wild world out there. “

And of course, I remember that there ain’t no little John in my head. 

So, what do I do? 

I take that big wild world and I make it real. On paper. 

John Marston and I, on our way to Vegas. Hitting up towns, one killer show at a time.

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Yeah, perfectly said, my thoughts exactly. And that's part of what makes it a great story - the nuance. Because in reality, things don't work out so black and white. For each and every one of us, its the sum of our experiences that make us who we are - not any singluar event, even if a few key moments stick out. I think one of the big questions the games pose is "at what point did these characters have a choice? What choices would you have made if that was your life?" And I don't think there's a simple, easy answer. But that's why the characters are so relatable, even though they would appear to be absolute villains if we didn't have that peek into their lives.

i think people seem to forget john ruined any chance jack had of living an normal life and that is why i don't like john very much

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I want to pinch it

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im reading about cowboy phrases and sayings and like 95% of them are just solid life advice

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At least it makes people like me feel better about our lives

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Love your screenshots

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I have been having way too much fun writing my new fanfic: John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour I've almost finished Chapter 1: The Plan.

This is the gripping tale of John's path to becoming the (comedic) Legend of the West.

Vegas, here we come!

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John Marston's Wild West Comedy Tour

Our main gig: Chapter 1: The PLAN

And our side hustle: Shootin' Down the Fourth Wall

THE TRUE STORY:

It starts off with a conversation around the campfire after a botched robbery. John's telling the tale to pass the time, and I hit him with:

"Hey, you've got material there!" He blinks a few times, because he never thought about it that way. But he has a think about it...

"Damn, you're right!" So we leave the gang, shit's going south, anyway, but John can't swim, which doesn't leave us with much room.

The road's long, the law's tight - we're looking for something better. No more robbing trains - we're robbing people of their SERIOUS faces and selling them some good old laughter. THE COMEDY TOUR BEGINS! The name of our act: The Good, the Bad, and the Goddamn Outrageous

First stop? We head out West, hitting up the towns that have never seen a comedy show in their life. We don't just show up with jokes, we rob 'em blind (of their funny bones).

We start performing anywhere where there's a crowd - saloons, campsites - folks out here want a good laugh as much as they want a good shootout. But the road to Vegas ain't easy. We get ourselves into some WILD shit along the way.

We run into Arthur Morgan who's decided to strike it out on his own too. He begrudgingly joins us as the third wheel. We keep him JUST grumpy enough to get him to pull out his best one-liners.

FINALLY - VEGAS! Yeah, baby!

By now, we've made it big. The competition is stiff, the eyes of the world are on us. We're used to people wanting to take us down, but by now, we're feeling pretty untouchable. On the night of our big performance, we're having a blast, the audience is laughing so much they could bust a steam engine.

BUT good old Edgar Ross comes along and derails all the fun - trust that man to rain on John's rodeo. He wouldn't know a good joke if it shot him in the face. Problem is, as much as we've been making a name for ourselves as comedians, we've also drawn the attention of the law. HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OURSELVES OUTTA THIS ONE, JOHNNY BOY? John Marston and Arthur Morgan team up to give Ross the public ROASTING OF A LIFETIME. You gonna pull a slick one about John's mama being a prostitute? Be prepared to become ROAST PORK, my villanous bro. Comedic vengeance, retribution of the sweetest kind, is within our grasp. The crowd's going to remember the day they witnessed this epic lampooning from the two greatest outlaw-turned-comedians this side of the Mississippi!

Ross won't be able to hold a candle to Arthur and John, and when it's all said and done? They walk off the stage like the kings of comedy they were meant to be.

Ross will forever rue the day he thought he could punch down on poor John about his mama. The three of us? We'll be Legends of the West. Not for our robberies, not for our wanted posters - but for bringing down the goddamn house with every line.

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I wrote about his morning voice in the fic I'm writing 😀 This passage is still at the first stage of the writing process I go through. I'll go back through and work on it later - changing bits and adding details. It's from either chapter 8 or 9. Chapter 1 is ready to go, but I'm still waiting on my ao3 invite to come through before I post it.

DUDES IMAGINE JOHNS MORNING VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I'm currently writing a John fanfic. It's going to be really long so I'm going to publish it in parts.

It is a romance with some smut, but the first real smutty scene doesn't happen for a few chapters. However, there are lots of other romantic moments along the way. If you prefer shorter reads with romantic or smutty scenes, you don't have to follow along with the story. I'll point those scenes out as I post them and you can treat it like a standalone fic rather than a multi-chapter one if that's more your thing.

Here's an introduction:

Cassie is a regular 18-year-old woman from the 21st century who finds herself joining the Van Der Linde gang after a near-death experience, where she meets John Marston. She is swept up into the events of Red Dead Redemption 2, experiencing a reverse-redemption process as she transforms from the naïve and innocent daughter of a lawmaker to a lawbreaker. Cassie must contend with the consequences of actions she would never have imagined participating in.

There's something else: Cassie is a werewolf. How did she become this way, and how did she end up in 1890s USA? Will John find out? How will he react, given his near-death experience at the hands of wolves?

This is Red Dead Redemption 2 from the perspective of a modern mind in the world of yesteryear. An R-rated love affair featuring John Marston and Cassie as they experience a burgeoning romance alongside the demise of the Van Der Linde gang and the decline of the Wild West.

I haven't made anything I've written public before, so I'll be genuinely happy for any constructive criticism that could help me improve in future. I usually just write for myself but I've decided to share this in case you want to come along on this little adventure too!

The idea is that it follows along the main story of the game with some parts of the canon changed where it needed to be for the story to work. Obviously, this is a stupidly big project, and I can't guarantee I'll finish the whole thing! However, I'm enjoying writing it, so we'll see what happens.

I've written the story for 13 parts so far, but I go through multiple stages. I start off with the story, then go back and add more information, change what needs to be changed, etc.

Most of the chapters are still at stage 1. I've basically got the full thing in my mind but it's obviously a lot ot work through. I wonder if I'm being a little too ambitious, but whatevs, I'm having fun, and if anyone else enjoys it along the way too - then yay! 😊

Currently waiting on an ao3 invite to be able to post chapter 1 as I'd rather post it there and then link here.

Just a heads up - chapter 1 is rather intense and describes the aftermath of a rape, so if you find that triggering, I'd pass on it or skip over this fic altogether. It doesn't include the event itself, but it has a strong impact on the character's emotional journey throughout the story. Will add relevant warnings and all that.

Also, I haven't used Tumblr much, and I'm kind of crap at social media in general. So please let me know if I've done any no-nos.