#john wick (i kinda like this one which should say a lot because i genuinely hate everything ive ever written)

[yeyinde]

Hey girlfriend, I hope the new year has been treating you so very well thus far!! I just wanted to let you know how much I've been enjoying your Price fics, they're amazing! Are you still writing for Ghost? I honestly think I've worn a "hole" in your Simon fics (if that even makes sense) that's how many times I've read them all🖤🖤🖤

Hiya! Thank you so much!! I hope you've had a lovely start to the new year as well! 🖤

And I do have a Ghost fic planned out (surprisingly!!). I'm just sort of editing it, ATM! It's kinda just substanceless smut with the most infinitesimal amount of plot, but. It should be finished soon!

[damnfandomproblems]

758838699545001984

I'm the one they're responding to. This'll be the last ask I send on this topic cause I don't want it to turn into a heated argument.

First Paragraph: Yes, I'm aware there's a difference, I wasn't saying there wasn't. I was just saying a lot of antis oversimplify it, thinking writing it= endorsement even though there's a variety of reasons someone might write 'problematic' things, as I tried to illustrate with my personal experience. Regarding "because it’s more convenient to argue every anti is against any bad thing being depicted ever", antis want censorship, they don't want bad things depicted, that's the definition from what I hear of fandom veterans. And I'm not saying they're against everything, it's mostly sex related things in my experience, they're terrifyingly desensitized to fictional violence and often cause real harm to living humans even though willfully hurting people is wrong irl, so it should, by their own arguments, be wrong in fiction, but they're... rather obsessed with and narrow-mindedly focused on the sex related crimes in fiction.

Second Paragraph: Video games. Grand Theft Auto, Saints Row, Manhunt, Fallout. Games where you can kill anyone you want without consequence (as long as they're not an important npc) and/or reward you for killing story related enemies. They glorify violence, make you feel so cool and badass for mowing your enemies down. That's why there was a big debate, that I still see sometimes, on whether or not video games cause real life violence. School shootings in America were sometimes blamed on the shooter playing a violent game. Murder is quite clearly portrayed positively in a lot of video games, and those are also stories. For shows, Game of Thrones, Hannibal, South Park, Simpsons. They depict a lot of dark things positively; murder, incest, cannibalism, minors doing sexual things, abuse. In my experience people used to be concerned that watching these shows, especially cartoons, would "rot your brain" because they didn't have a moral message and characters rarely got punished for their crimes. Plenty of shows glorify violence, or at least don't portray it negatively. I don't know what stories you're looking at if you are looking at any, but the majority romanticize murder/ect.

Third Paragraph: I'm not ignoring anything. I'm aware self-defense is a thing and I personally think it's okay if killing your attacker is the only way to save your own life, there's nothing inherently wrong with the desire to live. But I consider murder to have negative connotations, for example, someone planned and killed someone else because the second person got the promotion the first one wanted. That's not okay in real life, but antis don't often have a problem with it in fiction.

Fourth and Fifth Paragraphs: John Wick is romanticized though. You're supposed to root for him. He's still murdering people which is still wrong irl regardless of his motivations and his enemies' crimes. It's still bad and "justified retaliation" isn't a thing in the context. It's still as bad as murdering innocents. Again, it's still murder and not comparable to self-defense. He's just as much a murderer as the mobsters are. Murder is murder regardless of context. Someone who only murders rapists is as bad as someone who only murders college students. Ever hear the saying two wrongs don't make a right? The fact you genuinely can't see that and think it's amazing and acceptable is concerning. I'm honestly afraid you might hurt someone irl and you kinda seem like a person who wants others to suffer for the rest of their lives if you personally deem their crime "unjustifiable".

Last paragraph: Playing devil's advocate here. Drunk people can't consent. What if two people get drunk and then have sex? It's rape, but both of them are both the victim and the perpetrator. Who would you punish? Both of them? Because they shouldn't have gotten drunk? In this case I'd say it's better to let both go. I'm not saying it's justifiable, but it is excusable. Better to let both go than try to figure out who to charge and how. Incest...let's say a parent forced two siblings to do it. It's still incest, but the blame should be on the parent. And some places allow cousins to marry which is incest. Maybe you should try to change those laws instead of going after fiction. Pedos: not every pedo is a child molester. There is a difference. Imo I think that pedos' that are no contact and are trying to get help should be allowed to get help. Child molesters on the other hand, should be punished, but not by death, and if the victim wants to someday forgive them, that's their prerogative, not yours or mine. Also, what's morally acceptable/legal/the right thing differs from time period and culture. Slavery used to be okay, incest used to be okay in medieval times (many royals were inbred), ancient Spartan men would sleep with little boys. I'm not condoning these irl. But are you going to try to ban history books? Historical accounts? Classic literature and mythology (incest, rape, beastiality, which the gods and sometimes humans were never punished for)? Fairy tales (Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty was raped and she married her rapist)? Going to ban Disney for being based on those same "problematic" fairy tales?

Again, I don't condone these in real life. In fiction? Write/draw what you want, ship what you want, thirst for whatever character you want (yes, even if it's Sakura from Cardcaptor Sakura and the person is 40 or it's a pokemon). If I real living being isn't being hurt, I don't care. And if you do genuinely care, then why only target fanfics/fanart? If this really concerns you so much, then try to ban the stuff I mentioned, not just fanworks. And what about a personal account of rape written by the rapist? Do you think that should be burned, or should we read it in hopes of understanding rapists in order to prevent more victims? Just because you don't like them doesn't mean they don't have a purpose. And once again, the examples I listed last paragraph often have the crime justified and/or rewarded. You claim to care about this stuff but only go after fan made things and not the "offical" works taught in schools, sold for money, rewritten and shared around the world, ect. What does that really say about you?

"I never thought I’d have to explain this but here we are."

My perception of you is not the perception you have of yourself. I think you need to reflect on some things.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Heavy Metal

Sometimes it’s fun to revisit old movies you watched when you were younger and find out, hey, this is better than you remembered! Sometimes your young mind just wasn’t ready to accept how awesome something was, and you needed time to fully understand what you look for and like about cinema to truly appreciate it. But then, sometimes, you watch something you liked when you were younger, and you realize… wow, this is absolute dog shit!

Such is the case with Heavy Metal. This is a movie I have frequently cited as a low-ranking entry on lists of the finest animated films of all time, and to be entirely fair to the film, it is important in a historical sense, being a cult classic that was passed around through bootlegs because music rights kept it from getting a home video release, and it came out around the dawn of the 80s and kind of destroyed what you would think an animated film was capable of. This film is full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and it entirely, unabashedly unashamed of this, for better or for worse.

Now, while I do think the overall film is a bit lacking, it is an anthology film divided into segments, and there are some pretty good ones I will make note of; this is not a film with absolutely no merit. But before that, let me point out the one thing everyone can agree is amazing about this film: the soundtrack. You’ve got Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Stevie Nicks, Devo, Cheap Trick… if nothing else, the kickass soundtrack is worth a listen, though Blue Oyster Cult’s song inclusion irritates me to a great degree. The movie went with “Veteran of the Psychic Wars” for the soundtrack, despite the fact Blue Oyster Cult had a song ready to go that is literally about the final entry in the anthology, called “Vengeance (The Pact).” Why the people compiling the soundtrack made this choice baffles me; it reminds me of how they didn’t use “Jennifer’s Body” in, well, Jennifer’s Body, instead opting for a different Hole song from the same album.

But I digress. Let’s go one by one and touch on the segments:

The framing device is about an entity known as the Loc-Nar, who claims to be the sum of all evil, detailing to a little girl how it has influenced chaos and carnage across time and space. The thing is, though, the Loc-Nar doesn’t come out on top in any of the segments, and its schemes are often thwarted. So the entire movie is basically this supreme evil being detailing to a little girl how much it sucks ass at its one job.

The first segment is Harry Canyon, a story about the eponymous futuristic New York taxi driver. In some regards it reminds me of The Fifth Element, what with a scruffy, slummy, futuristic taxi driver trying to help a smoking hot babe find out the truth and all, but unlike that film, this short is a lot bleaker and gritty. You kinda know what you’re in for when Harry vaporizes a dude who tries to mug him, and if that’s not enough, the female lead of this short literally throws herslef at him, and yes, he gets to take a dive into her Harry Canyon – and you get to see it.

This is a running theme throughout these shorts – almost every female character has huge titties and is sexually promiscuous, throwing themselves at the first penis they see as if it was their job. It’s so incredibly juvenile and tacky as to be laughable, but I guess this comes with the territory considering the magazine this film adapted.

Anyway, the segment is harmless and unremarkable. It’s exactly what you’d expect from this sort of story, without much in the way of twists or turns.

The second segment, Den, is arguably the best segment in the entire film. We have a nerdy kid named Dan who gets transported across space and becomes the musclebound warrior with a huge cock known as Den. Every woman throws herself at him, every villain in his way gets pummeled, and no task is too impossible for this man! And did I mention that he is voiced by John Candy? Really, Candy’s comedic touch is what makes this entire thing feel fun and palatable; it’s a cheesy swords and sorcery romp through and through. Honestly, I don’t have much bad to say about this one, it’s just very silly fun.

Unfortunately we are back to being not great with Captain Sternn. Sternn, played by Eugene Levy (of The Wacky World of Mini Golf fame), is basically an intergalactic war criminal on trial, and when his paid witness Hanover Fiste (played by Rodger “Squidward Tentacles” Bumpass) comes up to the stand, the Loc-Nar influences him to the most evil act possible… betraying this war criminal in front of the judge and jury! GASP! I’m not sure what the Loc-Nar is really trying to do here; you’d think it would maybe want Sternn free to continue spreading wicked influence across the galaxy, but nah, it just makes Squidward hulk out and tries to kill him, only for the tables to be turned and Squidward to be dropped out an airlock, further cementing how utterly useless the Loc-Nar is.

Thankfully, once that’s over, we have yet another very strong segment, another contender for best in show: B-17. This is a genuinely creepy zombie short film, and the zombies are utterly horrifying and grotesque. This is regarded as the most nightmarish part of the film, and for good reason; this shit is certainly worthy of being called “heavy metal.” Honestly, there isn’t much bad to say about this one either, except perhaps that it is over far too soon.

Then we get to what is probably the worst segment: So Beautiful, So Dangerous. The entire segment is sort of meant to be a lighthearted comedic breather between The last segment and the final one, but it just comes off as combining every problem the movie has into one segment: the uselessness of the Loc-Nar, copious and ridiculous sex, drugs, and so on. Really all that’s missing from this is gratuitous violence, but hey, guess you can’t have everything all the time, right? It just comes off as really dull and pointless, and there’s not really anything particularly funny about anything that happens in it, unless of course you’re a thirteen year old who thinks “big boob woman having sex with robot while aliens snort cocaine” is the funniest shit on Earth.

Thankfully, we end on a strong note with Taarna, which is about a proud warrior woman dressed in horrifically impractical armor (and this actually effects the plot, I’m not kidding, somehow there was some self-awareness here) and a cool alien pteradactly flying off to fulfill a vengeful pact after the slaughter of a peaceful race by barbarians mutated by the Loc-Nar, in what may be the Loc-Nar’s sole impressive feat. Taarna is the ultimate hero, giving us the trifecta of qualities a heroine in this movie should have – boobs, butt, and bush... Er, I mean, sword, cool mount, and ass-kicking prowess. This one is not quite as good as “Den” or “B-17,” but I still think it’s a solid finale that has enough action and awesome music to make up for its tackier elements.

The movie ends with Taarna’s defeat of the Loc-Nar echoing through time and killing it which… makes absolutely zero sense, but whatever, the Loc-Nar is an absolutely atrocious villain and perhaps one of the most useless in cinematic history, he gets a 1/10 on Psycho Analysis. Then the girl gets her own kickass space dragon thing and becoming the new Taarna or something and, honestly, it’s the exact  sort of batshit ending you should expect from the film.

So, is this really an awful film? In some places, no. It’s a love letter to cheesy, trashy sci-fi fantasy from the 70s, with all that comes with it, and in that regard it does succeed. But still, a lot of the film feels like the utterly juvenile fantasies of same sad high schooler, or perhaps even middle schooler, who has never had and who likely never will have sex. It’s a tashy little time capsule to a bygone era where this sort of storytelling was okay so long as there was enough blood and titties on display, so if that appeals to you, by all means, check this film out. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world to watch, but animation has come so far and adult animation in particular is capable of so much more than adolescent masturbatory fantasies that this film has little value beyond a few solid segments and a damn good soundtrack.

Hell, just go listen to the soundtrack. I think you’d have a better time doing that.

[benisasoftboi]

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, As Explained By Someone Who Has Not Seen It

So ages back I posted a long explanation of Star Wars, despite the fact that I have only seen one Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi, due to social obligations (and someone else paying for my ticket). People apparently thought it was kind of funny.

I’ve now seen two Star Wars movies! I watched the Holiday Special at my university’s Bad Film society a few weeks ago! It is... a piece of media that exists.

I haven’t seen the new one though, and I don’t intend to - but what I have seen is a lot (a LOT) of hot takes on Twitter from people who do care, which I think is basically the same thing. This is my understanding of what happens. Almost certainly in the wrong order. Spoilers ahead (probably)

Keep in mind that I very nearly posted this under the title ‘Return of Skywalker’, before thinking to check. That’s the level I’m on

The most positive thing I’ve seen said about this movie is that it’s fun to watch and you don’t have to think too much about it. I don’t mean to make it sound like I think that sounds like a bad thing - my (genuine) favourite film trilogy is Night At The Museum for that very reason

Other people say it’s shallow and stupid and pandering and formulaic and etc. etc. etc., the same criticism people tend to make of Marvel movies mostly (another popular franchise I don’t understand the appeal of), which does sound like a bad thing. I don’t know who to believe. Do not try to tell me

So there’s this Finn guy, right? I don’t know anything about him, just that he’s played by John Boyega (right...?). So he didn’t get together with Rey, and this is bad, and somewhat racist, because he was clearly in love with her

But then he also doesn’t get together with Poe, and this is bad, and very homophobic, because he was clearly gay and in love with him 

And then he ALSO doesn’t get together with Rose, and this is bad, and pandering to the racists who hate her actress, because he was clearly in love with her

Whatever the case, he definitely should not have ended up with whoever it was (if anyone) he did end up with

Also Rose was barely in the movie because of how much hate she got last time, and when she was she was Leia’s ‘Holdo’ (???), and Poe did end up with someone and it was very clearly in attempt to confirm how Very Heterosexual he is 

Oscar Isaac is displeased

There was a gay couple (sources vary on the genders) who kiss very briefly and this is Big Representation that the Gays should be Grateful for, give us your money, Gays, we care about you

It was not cut in China

Also, Rey and Kylo Ren kiss! This is the most romantic film moment of the decade and a perfect culmination of their character arcs and the best part of the movie

But it’s also forced and bad and sets feminism back ten years and is a romanticised abusive relationship because he’s irredeemably evil

Kylo Ren dies? After they kiss and slash things with their swords? And I think he’s redeemed before that but of course, the only true redemption... is through death!

Which sounds terrible to me, but I’m a massive sucker for Redemption and Redemption Arcs and then seeing how all the characters actually deal with the consequences of the Redemption, so I’m pretty biased against Redemption Through Death as a plot point (also, it’s lazy), but it’s nothing to do with this guy specifically. I really don’t know enough to say whether he deserved it

He might get revived in a comic or animated series, coming soon to streaming on Disney+!

Snoke is back because he has clones, which is not intimidating and is actually just really, really funny. Characters having clones is not the intimidation factor movie makers apparently think it is. Clones are just kind of inherently funny

One of my favourite clone stories is the Time Squad episode Day of the Larrys. The clones open a gay nightclub. Mark Hamill was in that too

Rey turns out to be the granddaughter of the Evil Emperor from the first trilogy. I think he’s in it by either ghost or clone shenanigans

I haven’t heard anyone say who the grandmother is. But I know what that guy looks like, so for her sake, I hope they did IVF

She has a yellow lightsaber, which sounds ugly, but I haven’t seen it so 

I haven’t heard much about purple haired lady from the last movie, don’t know if she’s still around

Apparently Luke changes his mind about everything from the last movie like ten minutes in

I thought he was dead but it kinda seems like death doesn’t mean much in this universe because ghosts

I know Leia is in it. Lots of people thought she would die since Carrie Fisher (a person who the more I learn about, the more I have a massive amount of respect for - unusual for celebrities these days) very sadly died in real life. I haven’t heard either way in the movie, just that she was in at least some of it, and it was nice to see her again (done with reconstructed footage from previous films, apparently). I can’t really criticise that - I’d probably feel the same if I saw it, even as a non-fan of the series

I have also heard that some of the reconstruction was creepy though

I’ve heard that there’s a lot of scenes with the gold robot (C3P0?). I’ve heard he is snarky. If this is true, this is the one thing that could actually get me to see this film. As I’ve said before, I love robots, snarky ones even more so. Robots make everything worth it

No word on the little blue or orange robots

Chewbacca nearly dies but doesn’t? I don’t know, I now glaze over in self defense when I read that name because of that one scene in the Holiday Special. You know (or you’re lucky)

Finn is something called ‘Force Sensitive’ but is weirdly coy about it and this was only confirmed in an outside interview with the director

Someone sticks a mask together with Space Duct Tape

Space battle, pew pew, phwoom phwoom, EXPLOSION, ratatatatatat, defyiiiiiing gravity, USE THE FORCE, pew pew pewpewpew, ANOTHER EXPLOSION - I assume

Okay I stuck that Wicked reference in there as a joke that I’m sure only I think is funny, but now I desperately want to be put in charge of writing a sci-fi trilogy where there will be an over-the-top Broadway-style musical number half way through the third movie just for the sake of baffling critics and audiences alike

In the meantime, while I work on figuring out how to achieve that dream, I have plans to go see Cats again

[praphit]

Another Year, Another Recap - “Have a Coke and a smile... :)”

So, we're getting to the end, people. We're about to finish off another year. Personally, this year has been immensely better than the last.

I didn't even want to stay up and do any celebrating at the end of 2018. I just wanted to go to bed and be done with that bleepin year. This year has been a hell of a lot better. I hope that all of you can say something similar, but if not, there's always going to bed early, and putting your hope in the next year.

This past Christmas (and all Christmas', really) I spent time doing a lot of hating on Christmas music; it's a valued tradition of mine. I am, however, always surprised to find a few songs each year that don't bother me all that much. This year, one of them was John Legend's "Baby, It's cold outside" ft Kelly Clarkson  

- a rewritten, sans rapey vibe rendition to boot its 1940's something predecessor.

In this version (at least how I interpret it), both people wanted some action that night. John says all of the right stuff ("I'll call you a car", "maybe you SHOULD go"), creating a safe environment, and most importantly, not coming off as sleazy and rapey. He's also protecting himself with this recording:) But, let's be clear... he wants some, and he wants it bad! While Kelly, also wants some, but doesn't want to come off as being a hoe. Nobody wants to be labeled a hoe.  So, she says all of the right things as well ("My dad and brother are waiting for me", "I've gotta visit my sick grandma", "Gotta get home to the KIDS") But, at the end of the night, they both make a decision to sing to one another "Baby, It's cold outside, so let's stay in and BLEEP." That's how you do it! No guilt! No #METOO! No wife and kids around. All is well:) Divorces are still rising, and more older people (as well as old as bleep people) are on dating apps than ever before. Consider this song a Christmas gift from John & Kelly to you.

Sexiest man alive in 2019 btw

Congrats. Classic coming-up-out-of-the-water sexy.

There has been some good music in 2019. Good stuff happening. Also some sad and weird stuff happening in music - all things balance out, I suppose.

GOOD:

Lizzo

I am here for all things Lizzo.

SAD & WEIRD:

Maroon 5's Super Bowl performance. It wasn't even really M5's fault; they simply did what they always do. It was more a poor choice by the NFL. A boring and awkward performance. There was a time when all anybody wanted was a shirtless Adam Levine- both women AND men. Even times when he wasn't performing, he would show up places, some random person would announce to everyone "Don't worry, Adam WILL be taking off his shirt tonight." Talk about ME TOO. It was so bad that the old, white, slaveowners of the NFL hired Jay-Z (one of the blackest icons we have) to come and save them. We'll see how that turns out.

GOOD & WEIRD:

Tyler, The Creator - "IGOR"

One of my fav projects of the year. Tyler, the Creator is an odd dude - I mean this as a compliment. I love how Hip-Hop has evolved. There's a lot more room nowadays to be yourself, no matter how outsiders might deem your behavior as weird (sometimes, others NOT saying this as a compliment). I love his creativity, and hope he continues to inspire other artists (especially in hip-hop) to be creative. Heeeee also says stuff like this "I like girls, but I have sex with their brothers." But, also uses the word "gay" as an insult. Who knows?? There's a lot to unpack there.

SAD:

In other news, Camila Cabello might be a racist. Y'all can look it up if you'd like, but some posts of hers resurfaced. I'm a fan of hers, and checked out the posts for myself, thinking "People are prob just overreacting" - they're not, it's bad. She has apologized, saying the whole "I'm older and wiser now" thing. The prob with that is she's only 22.

GOOD & BAD, I GUESS:

ADELE

It's always good to see Adele out and about. These holiday pics show that's she's still alive (I get concerned, cuz she tends to disappear for a while) and apparently a lot thinner. This of course stirs men to say men type things, women to go on the attack, and all genuine compliments towards her to get lost. The good news is, Adele seems to be getting pretty chummy with Santa, and everyone knows that St. Nick is a heartbreaker. Adele should be spurned and back in the studio writing amazing tunes soon enough.

WEIRD:

Kanye

These pics say it all. 

... that being said, I love his new music (which is how I stamp all of my conversations about Ye).

GOOD:

Billie Eilish! 

Now (like many), one of my fav artists. 

BAD:

She just turned 18, so of course, us men being ourselves again say things like "She's 18 now. You know what that means." Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Nothing says crossing-over into womanhood quite like being objectified.

Speaking of 2019 pervs - R.KELLY!

We can throw MJ and... what the hell, I'll just throw Spacey in there as well (his documentary is coming soon enough, I'm sure).

We were all enthralled by these two docuseries. It's interesting how different races respond to MJ. Both see him as... you know, but most black people are still listening to his music. White people on the other hand are ready to riot every time someone plays one of his songs... except around Halloween - gotta have "Thriller".

We love depressing television.

There was "Chernobyl" as well as "When they see us"

Movies too -

"Joker"

I love this movie, but it's about a homicidal clown, struggling with mental illness.

"Us"

I love this movie, but it's about classism and marginalization.

"Endgame"

It's largely about grief.

It's the best movie of the year, as far as I'm concerned!

It should win all awards!

ALL OF THEM!

Best Horror

Best Comedy

Best Romance

Remember when he sent the message to his wife? Cute, right?

Personally, I think he and Nebula were banging in each other.

... I think that story is going to come out some day. C’mon... they were up in space, alone... they both thought they were going to die. She was like “OMG, I’ve always wanted to bang Robert Downey Jr. 

He was like “I don’t blame you.”

But, afterwards, he was like 

 - you know? He felt all bad, because he’d never get to do that again (that was the last of his energy). Annnnd also because he cheated. Which led to that cute recording for his wife. SEE, it’s all connected!

Best actor in Josh Brolin (Thanos) - the range of emotions (satisfaction, terror, humility, revenge, arrogance, beatin ass, defeat) Leo and Brad Pitt ain't have to do all of that!

Best Actress... hmm.. idk about this one. Many say J.Lo deserves an Oscar for her performance in "Hustlers" - a movie made for strippers, by strippers.

Exotic dancers are making a comeback! Maybe one day, stripping will be going in the same direction marijuana is - just something people do. No more shame! You can actually make a decent living at it - ain't that right, Stormy?

And who can forget this J.Lo quote "This city, this whole country, is a strip club. You've got people tossing the money. and people doing the dance."

There have also been plenty of things in 2019 that I have not understood:

1) Hatin on Greta

Greta - trying hard to do what she believes will make this world a better place for us all.

Certain people - "Shut that bitch up! She's crazy!"

2) Hatin on Megan Rapinoe

MP - leading a soccer team to a World Cup victory, being outspoken for women's rights and gay rights, having awesome purple hair, and trying to be the best leader and athlete she can be.

Certain people - "Shut that bitch up! She's Crazy! Equal pay my ass!"

3) Popeyes Chicken Sandwich

 - the gov't test for a new crack epidemic. Sadly, I never got to partake.

4) Allison Mack

- This whole story began being unveiled in 2018, but continued through this year. I still don’t understand how this story has not gotten more attention. Some of y’all don’t even know what I’m talking about.... google it, and be horrified.

5) BTS (and K-pop in general)

-I love them, but... our country's K-Pop fetish has gotten kinda out of hand. All kinds of artists are trying to share the spotlight with them. Next, we're going to see them team up with Kendrick Lamar.

6) TikTok - I just don't get it. What’s the difference? 

7) Cancel Culture

To me all cancel culture is silenced by Trump being our president. Where was all of this righteous indignation when we voted him into office? You might say "I didn't vote for him." Yeah, but, WE did - Idk what that says about us, but it's prob not good.

It doesn't even really work - Louis CK is currently selling out venues for an unapologetic tour. I'm not even saying that it SHOULD work (in SOME cases). I'm simply saying that it doesn't work (in most cases). But, perhaps the fear of it working is enough. Or perhaps we should think through how we spend our anger.

BUT, enough of that! It's time to pass out this year's PRAPHIE AWARD!

Here are the noms:

Jordan Peele

Pedro the turtle

(no need for context, just know he’s awesome)

Baby Yoda

 (btw - studies show that if you have access to "The Mandalorian" and you AREN'T watching it, you're an asshole. This is not ME talking, this is science)

Megan Rapinoe (who I’ve already mentioned)

Flying Elbow Guy (Again, this requires no context. It’s Flying Elbow Guy! There is a baseball player who’s name I can’t remember. He took on a whole team, and... you know what - that’s too much exposition. It’s Flying Elbow Guy!

  Keanu Reeves

Annnnnnnd! It’s...

...

KEANU!

This year:

Of course JW, Toy Story 4, Cyberpunk 2077, “Always be my Maybe”, plus we found out that he’s down for The Matrix 4, John Wick 4, and Bill & Ted. CRAZY!

Also my BAMF of the year (see previous post)!

We love Keanu Reeves so much, that he's allowed to murder as many people as he wants (as John Wick).

We'll get mad if an actor who's not handicapped is playing someone who is, we'll get mad about whitewashing (as we should), we'll get mad if things are too sexualized, we GOT MAD at "Joker" for predicted violence. But, Keanu can murder all he wants:)

(See the scene above? - that was a McDonald’s before he showed up)

He found love as well. Women are loving that he chose someone closer to his age. Honestly, Idk why it matters. I'd still love this man, even if he were dating 22 year old, racist ass Camila Cabello.

But, he's viewed by some as the perfect man. I disagree. I don’t think that he’s merely the perfect man, but the perfect human.

His career and popularity paths are unique. No one would call him a... GOOD actor, but look at him! And he seems like a genuinely, awesomely, good person. And whatever "good person" means to you, he's at the top! We should all (men and women) be a lil more like Keanu in 2020.

Let's all be as lovable as we can, so we may all get away with as much as we can:)

With each new year, I challenge myself with a slogan to live by. In 2020, it's going to be this - 

From Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”- Richard Pryor’s advice to Eddie, concerning Bill Cosby 

Telling certain people in my way "To have a Coke and a smile, and shut the bleep up." Sometimes, I might need to be the one to do this, rather than say it - we'll see.

Here was the runner-up slogan (his response)

Magical.

Happy New Year, Everyone! Enjoy yourselves. Be less of an asshole. And be safe... enough to at least make it TO 2020.

Much love!

[aegialia]

Fancasting a Reroll of the Fast & the Furious Movies:

As Paulo said in the past, when it comes to something like the star wars trilogies, he’d want to play through each series independent of each other because so much of each story is dependent on things working out exactly as they did in the past movies. In light of that, here is my ideal casting for every single F&F movie done as a reroll:

The Fast and The Furious

Carolyn as Dominic Toretto: partially because I desperately want to hear her do a Vin Diesel voice and partially because I think her brand of absurdism and 4th wall breaking would be great for Dom

Joz as Brian: if there’s ever been a role made for Joz, it’s the hot-headed FBI agent undercover with a street-racing gang

Pitr as Letty: is this casting just because I want to hear Pitr say ‘I smell...skanks’? Yes, mostly, but I also would love to see the farce that would be Pitr and Carolyn acting as a couple

Andy as Mia: based on Aladdin, Andy’s great at taking a female character not given all that much to do and doing something delightful with her. TBH, I’d also be fine with Mia being an NPC and having Andy or Paulo be the GM, she’s got a pretty thin role in this movie. The same goes for Vince and the other members of the racing crew.

2 Fast 2 Furious

Joz as Brian again

Pitr as Roman Pierce: Pitr’s always great as the snarky friend and his mischievous, blow-shit-up dynamic with Joz works great for Brian and Roman’s dynamic in this movie

Jon Miller as Tej Parker: Am I typecasting Jon as the geeky tech guy? Absolutely, but him and Pitr also would be great as Tej and Roman

Andy as  Monica Fuentes: TBH I forgot this character existed before I read the wikipedia page, so, like Mia, she can either be Andy or an NPC 

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift

I hate this movie so much I won’t enough time thinking about it to cast it

Fast & Furious

Joz as Brian

Carolyn as Dom: there’s basically nothing I want as much as to see Carolyn Faye Kramer playing a grieving Vin Diesel

Andy as Mia: Mia actually has something to do in this movie and I still think Andy could be good as her

Scott as Gisele: I feel like all Scott wants to do is be sexy and have an accent, so let’s let him

Fast Five

Joz as Brian and Carolyn as Dom

Jon and Pitr reprising their roles as Tej and Roman

Scott as Gisele again

Tim Nolan as Han: I feel like he’d do good as the kinda badass, kinda awkward guy

Paulo as Mia: this is because I want

Andy as GM: based on how he ran ‘John Wick’, Andy is fucking great at handling complicated action sequences without it getting boring or confusing. I’d love to see him run a heist, so Paulo gets to be a player and take over Andy’s old role

Elena and Hobbs are gonna be NPCs in this one

Fast & Furious 6

Time for a reshuffle!

I want this run as kinda PvP, with Owen Shaw and Letty getting to scheme and do stuff independent of the movie and of the other players, so

Jon as GM: he’s got experience with PVP and keeping a story moving even when the PCs are in completely different places (looking at you, Aladdin)

Pitr as Letty: I think he’d still be good as Letty, even now that she’s a more serious character

Lisa Kopitsky as Owen Shaw: I think she could play a good villain and I want to get to know her as a performer more 

Joz as Luke Hobbs: look me in the eyes and tell me Joz Vammer was not made to play Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

Andy as Brian: man, I’m really giving Andy some thankless roles. Given that Mia now has absolutely nothing to do in this one, Andy gets to take over as the slightly retired family man

Scott and Tim stay as Gisele and Han

Carolyn as Dom: again, I just want to see Carolyn Faye Kramer as a grieving Vin Diesel

Either Tej and Roman turn into NPCs for this movie and Paulo isn’t involved OR Paulo and Jonathan West play them OR they’re NPCs but Paulo is acting like Tim in most episodes and helping Jon run this monstrosity of a cast

Furious 7

Another shuffle, but less dramatic

Joz and Carolyn keep their parts as Hobbs and Dom

Jon and Pitr are Tej and Roman again

Scott as Ramsey: again, he just wants to be sexy and have an accent. Also, I think his dynamic with Jon and Pitr would work well with the character’s

Andy as Brian: Andy has the most dad energy out of the cast, so he gets Brian again

Tim or Lisa as Letty: here’s where I’m conflicted, I can’t decide if I care more about having Letty be played by the same person throughout her whole emotional arc, and thus giving this role to Pitr and making Tim or Lisa Roman, or if I want the Pitr-Scott-Jon dynamic, which is admittedly very fun for the Roman-Ramsey-Tej, but is a more minor and less emotionally important aspect. Or maybe I throw it all out, have Jon GM, Pitr is Letty, Paulo is Ramsey, and Roman and Tej are NPCs (or Paulo plays both of them à la the children in Jurassic Park and Ramsey’s the NPC)! I don’t know!

The Fate of the Furious

I think this one should also be PvP

Andy as GM: I think he can handle the PvP and he’d be great with the complicated, crazy fight scenes and stunts

Carolyn as Dom still

Lisa as Cipher: again, I get the feeling she’d be great as a villain 

Joz as Hobbs and Pitr as Letty again

Jon as Deckard Shaw: a morally grey guy whose fighting style would require tactics, complicated stats, and lots of fun goodies sounds exactly right for jon

I think I’d make Ramsey, Tej, Roman, and the Nobodies NPCs in this so we’d have fairly even teams of PCs

With all the complexity of this and the PvP aspect, Paulo and Tim are gonna have to be helping

On the other hand, we could also have Scott-as-Roman, Tim-as-Tej, and Paulo-as-Ramsey and just give Cipher as much absurd power as in the movie

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw

Gonna change stuff up for this!

Pitr as Deckard Shaw: I wanna hear Pitr try and do a Jason Statham voice, tbh. Also, Pitr and Joz act enough like siblings already that I think they’d do well as playing the Shaws

Jon as Hobbs: I feel like Jon would enjoy playing a character strong enough to pull a helicopter down to earth with his bare hands. I think he’d also enjoy playing a character who frequently and thoroughly shows up Pitr’s character

Joz as Hattie Shaw: Hattie is enough of a genuine badass that I don’t feel like I’m just casting Joz as the girl, also, I feel like ‘injecting yourself with a supervirus so the bad guy doesn’t get it’ is an extremely Joz Vamer move

[movienotesbyzawmer]

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

December 9: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

(previous notes: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace)

Source: Blu-ray release, the box set with all six Lucas-era movies (2D)

I feel like in recent years I've seen a lot of rhetoric claiming that this is the worst of all the Star Wars movies. But I've always felt like the prequels improve as they go, at least a little. Like, Hayden Christiensen might not be especially good, but he's an improvement on Jake Lloyd. Is there less of the childish stuff in this movie? Let's press play and find out.

Opening crawl is first mention of Count Dooku; seems like the previous stuff was resolved and a new story is beginning. Maybe that's why it's common for people to recommend skipping Episode I, like it's not actually necessary.

We also at this point in the natural chronology don't know anything about clones. Just the title here.

Another decoy-Amidala, but this one gets blowed up right away. And that's Rose Byrne, right?

0:07:30 - Obi-wan does a "oh… oh yes…. Mm mm mm mm mm mm" thing which is stupid and I don't like it.

Wait, no Rose Byrne is a silent handmaiden lady I guess. Unless they're clonesies. Are they clonesies?

Hey, a glimpse of Coruscant's colorful nightlife scene! Or at least some commercial advertisements. Feels like we don't see much of the lives of regular folk of Coruscant much.

Super pretty imagery of this city at night with its traffic and lights and I know I say that every time but it's great.

0:14:30 - Obi-wan shooting himself through a hole in the window in pursuit of that flying robot villain is exciting! And then he just hangs onto it, and then the sniper snipes him off it and he just falls and falls! This is a good action scene.

Then later, Anakin just jumps and falls and falls on purpose like and it's fun to watch.

0:20:00 - Does the sniper have a weird disguise that goes away when she turns her head? Is that what I saw?

"This weapon is your life" says Ewan McGregor doing his best impression of Alec Guinness. I think it was supposed to be funny. And I think it succeeds. Helps to remember that EG's natural accent is Scottish. And you know what? Maybe a little bit ago when I didn't like EG's hammy delivery, I should respect that he's embracing the need for him to embody a young version of Alec Guiness's character, figuring out what that would look like while honoring the director's vision.

They're in a nightclub, and I think there's some genuinely imaginative vision around what people are doing in there.

Ooh! The sniper got sniped by someone else, and the shot of that second sniper zipping away on a jetpack is I like it.

Senator Amidala gives Jar Jar the important job of substitute senator while she goes and hides. Yeah right. Not very credible.

Now Anakin is venting to Amidala in a way that shows how cocky he is. He does the flirtation stuff so that we'll think he's sexy like Han Solo, but also visibly flawed with impatience. Meh. Okay.

Whoa, Rose Byrne just did some acting! She spontaneously shed a tear in a way that looked authentic! Acting… in a Star Wars prequel!

0:31:50 - A greasy spoon diner! I don't remember this. Obi Wan is doing some intel gathering and George Lucas decided to go all in on having this be a 50's-style neon urban railcar slop counter!

The romance. Anakin and Amidala. GL is also going all in on the overtness of that plot. Maybe it's fine? Anakin seems like a horny and awkward teen with a huge crush on someone out of his league but he's going for it anyway. Maybe we'll be convinced that she'd succumb to his charms?

0:39:00 - We're back on Naboo… this scene is oddly non-CGI-looking. Did they film this in a real place with that actual architecture?

The tension they're setting up between Anakin and Amidala is moving in a direction of NOT growing fonder of each other. She looks irritated, and rightly so. This is a move that experienced romance plot makers make, but will GL pull it off?

Meanwhile Obi-Wan is doing spycraft, going to the clone planet place and pretending he's the one who ordered the whatever. "That's why I'm here!" Kinda funny.

0:44:45 - Okay, another A&A scene. He has that line about sand getting everywhere. She looks really damn fly. They kiss a bit and then she changes her mind. See, this is a weak link in the romance plot. We don't buy it. She's not such a sucker that she'd want to kiss him now. She didn't go, "oh he was so charming when he talked about where sand goes that now I'm not only less annoyed by his churlishness but I'm actually turned on". Or did she.

There's something about Obi-Wan's intel gathering, realizing that this huge army of clones is being put together, that's very James Bond-y. I mean that in a good way.

Naboo countryside is hella pretty.

Oh ick. A very very stupid romance scene just happened. See, Anakin fell off a blob creature and it looked like he was hurt! This worried Amidala! She ran to him but it turned out he was okay! They laughed and laughed at this merry misunderstanding and rolled around together! Oh merry! And…. SCENE.

Now Obi-Wan and Jango Fett are having a fight on a platform place and it's pretty exciting and still kind of like a Bond movie. Even more so because of "gadgets" like the devices on JF's outfit. And a dippy little "this is not good" comment from Obi-Wan that would fit in okay coming out of 007.

A&A go to Tatooine and talk to the salvage dealer who used to own Anakin. I like where that CGI character visibly starts to recognize the grown-up Anakin.

Obi-Wan followed JF & Son to a pretty red planet with an asteroid field and it's fucking beautiful and they do this wicked sound effect with bombs and it looks and sounds mother fucking amazing. Seriously god damn. The SOUND.

1:11:40 - They're at what will be the moisture farm of Luke, et al. "I'm Owen Lars and this is my GIRLFRIEND Beru." See, because this is BEFORE they're married. She's JUST his GIRLFRIEND.

1:14:20 - Okay, they just did a weird thing where A&A have an exchange, then hug. But the camera just shows their SHADOWS. And Anakin's shadow looks like he maybe kind of has some semblance of a VADER HELMET. I'm not even that convinced that that's what they were going for. If it actually conveyed that, it'd be cooler. As is, it's a little awkward. But I wouldn't discourage a director from going for this kind of thing.

Anakin found the Tusken Raider camp where they'd brought his mom and he found her just in time for her to die. Like she was just hanging on long enough for him to witness her death. Melodramatic. Then he goes and slaughters everyone… this turns out to be important because it's the catalyst for him turning dark, but it's sort of a weak explanation for something so important.

So HC just did a rage monologue about how he killed everyone, and okay it's not good, but I really don't think it's HC that isn't good. I think he did his very best with really dumb writing.

1:34:30 - Ooh, we're back in that neat senate hall. Jar Jar was suckered into proposing that Palpatine be given special powers, and it's super easy and it just works, and the Jedi are like "oh, hm, bummer". I'm just not impressed with the story.

A&A have arrived on Geonosis and it's quickly quite actiony and rather like a video game where they have to fight robots and hop on platforms at just the right time. I dig it.

It's a little odd now… so I already forgot how A&A got captured in the video game factory place, but they're quickly hustled to an execution arena to be munched to death by monsters before a delighted audience. With Obi-Wan. Just a little odd, but now it's pretty fun action.

Oh yeah, Mace Windu cut Jango Fett's right head off! Forgot that. Another case of an interesting villain ending disappointingly. Except that it's important because his "son" witnesses it and looks vengeance-y.

1:56:40 - Yoda heroically shows up to save the good guys with a force of soldiers that look kind of like Stormtroopers. Those are clones, right? I guess so, but the movie didn't quite ensure we know that. I mean, if they're going to treat the audience like children with their jokes, maybe they could extend that same expectation to plot explanations.

Okay, so now they're in a much bigger battle. I like the flying thing that delivers a walking tank thing! Lots of exciting things to look at. It's not that clear which side is which, not by looking at the battle, but maybe that doesn’t matter too much.

They shoot down a globe-shaped ship as it's taking off and it's pretty. So is lots of this battle stuff.

How does Anakin have a lightsaber now? His was broken earlier. I'm probably not the first to ask that. I probably overlooked the explanation. Seems like they trimmed stuff out of this part of the movie to improve the pacing.

2:07:50 - This is the part that worked well enough that it's probably the main factor in holding this movie's reputation above that of Episode I: the light saber duel with Yoda! Those of us who had played the Dark Forces PC games were already familiar with how it would look to see a Yoda-type wailing on someone with a light saber, but it was a pleasant surprise for many, and it definitely worked.

Then Dooku escapes on a ship that does a really sweet-looking panel-unfurling thing. Love it. And then he goes to Coruscant. Very visibly. Which is for me to love some more.

The movie ends right after that, with Yoda observing that it's dumb to think of this as a victory because now the Clone War has started. Then we get suitably disturbing imagery of the Clone Army being imposing with, significantly, the Imperial March in the background. It's okay. Then a shot of A&A getting hitched. With, a little less significantly, the new tragic-love theme in the background which John Williams was probably pretty pleased with. And over. Okay.

Yeah, better than Episode I. Less childish. Although it's harder to point to a climax, it somehow seems less anti-climactic than Ep1. No less impressive visually, but with new locales compared with the first one. And it's true that you can get all the information you need by starting here instead of with the first one.

(next: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith)