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dameronology · 4 years ago

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that’s all {din djarin x reader}

(i’m reposting this bc it wasn’t showing up in the tags and it was stressing me out)

summary: you’d saved din djarin from himself before. now, with the pain of losing his kid, you’re about to do it all over again. (kinda based on find me here by hayley williams)

warnings: this is...flangst. fluff and angst. swearing. mentions of depression but it’s also a bit ✨positive✨

this is just me trying to be the emotional janitor to...that. i’ve tried to keep it as gender neutral as possible but some of the conversation might imply an afab reader but hopefully it’s vague to be completely objective!!

- jazz

anyways i know i already said it but !! spoilers !! spoilers !! spoilers !!

p.s spot the titanic reference

Grogu was tiny but the whole he left in your lives was massive.

You always knew you were going to have to give him up - hell, that had been the job in the first place - but you hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He wasn’t your kid but at the same he completely and entirely was. You’d never expected your first parenting experience to be with a tiny green Jedi but at the same time, you wouldn’t have had it any other way. The next few months were going to be hard; accepting that he wasn’t yours to keep and that he was in a better place was guaranteed to be a long process. It would be worth it in the end but the initial pain was bordering on unbearable.

Din was better at hiding it than you. Admittedly, he did have a thick beskar layer to shield his emotions and pain from the outside world but he couldn’t hide it from you; never from you. Even behind the metal, you could read him like a book. It was a product of spending every waking minute together (his overprotective doing, not yours) and in return, he had learnt every habit and every quirk of yours. He sometimes cursed your ability to read him, especially when it lead to you saying things like you did not just tilt your helmet at me like that, Din Djarin.

He’d been quieter in the days since Luke Skywalker had taken the kid - quieter than usual, at least. Din was already a pretty taciturn person; compared to how he was with other people, he practically spoke your ear off but since you’d landed back on Nevarro, he’d completely kept to himself. It was painful to watch, seeing him rise at the crack of dawn to take a bounty, only to return in the evening with a few more bruises than he’d had that morning. You wanted to say something to do something that would make him snap back to reality, but this was probably his grieving process and you had to respect that. Or, you had to at least try to.

That was, until, it felt like Din was killing both you and him; working himself to the point of exhaustion, barely sleeping and refusing to even acknowledge Greef or Cara. You could deal with him being angsty. You could deal with him grieving. You couldn’t, however, deal with him ignoring you. You had literally vowed to go through all your bad times together and Din Djarin was nothing if not a man of his word. He knew it. You knew it too - and you’d be damned if you’d let him forget it.

It was on a cold - at least by Nevarro standards - morning that you decided it was time to show him some tough love. The Mandalorian had decided to hole out on one of Karga’s old ships that morning, claiming that he wanted to fix it. You were no engineering genius, but given that the old jet’s wings had fallen off, you could see it was past the point of no return and that Din had just been looking for an excuse. He was good at that these days.

‘Din!’ You called. The bay doors were open, but the ship itself was dark and dusty. Tinkering, my ass. As expected, there was no reply. ‘Din! Don’t ignore me.’

Silence.

‘Please?’

You grumbled to yourself, walking further inside the dimly lit ship. Tiny specs of dust were floating in the streams of thin light, leading your path further and further towards the cockpit. Who ever it had belonged it, it pre-dated the Republic, let alone the Empire or new order. You tried to resist the urge to cough, instead choosing to focus on your mission: hunting down the Mandalorian. The tables really had turned, considering he was very rarely the prey.

‘I was talking to Karga.’ You continued - as far as you knew, you were talking to thin air, but you liked your chances. ‘He offered me a bounty puck for...Corellia, is it? For that big, bad guy we didn’t catch last year. You know the one that nearly killed me?’

There was a crash from the cockpit, and you grinned to yourself. It was a little unethical to scare the man out of hiding with your bullshit, but you were getting desperate.

‘I figured it would be good to get out a bit, try and distract myself, you know?’ You continued. ‘So I was gonna borrow a ship and head out there tomorrow-’

‘- like hell you’re doing that on your own.’

A six foot mountain of beskar suddenly stepped out from the darkness. Normally, that would have been enough to scare anyone, but not you. You’d married that six foot mountain of beskar. That probably gave you more guts than anyone in the damn galaxy -- until they found out he wasn’t actually that terrifying. Not many people would have taken the Mandalorian seriously if they knew he enjoyed having his hair played with.

You held your hands up in the air, stretching out your fingers to show that there was no puck in sight.

‘You lied.’ Din grunted.

‘And you were ignoring me.’ You shot back. ‘’S going on?’

‘I told you. I was working on the ship-’

‘- nope.’ You cut him off. ‘Try again.’

‘Karga asked me to fix it-’

‘- Still no!’ You snapped. ‘We gonna go three for three or are you gonna finally pull your head out your ass and stop lying to me, Din?’

There wasn’t a single person in the galaxy who dared speak back to the Mandalorian - except you. That was what had made him fall for you in the first place. It was like you couldn’t even see the beskar. You’d always seen him as Din, and never as the Mandalorian, or a warrior. You’d made it clear from the day you met that you wouldn’t take any bullshit from anyone, him included, and he’d always respected that.

‘You have been holing yourself away for weeks.’ You continued. ‘I know it’s hard but you have to accept it. Grogu wasn’t ours to keep - he never was.’

Din didn’t response, instead dropping his gaze down to the floor.’

‘Hey.’ You put a finger at the base of the helmet, tilting his head back up to look at you. ‘Look at me. Talk to me.’

‘I miss him.’ He stated; short and blunt. Fitting, really. ‘And it hurts.’

‘I get that.’ You gently placed your hands on either side of his helmet, fingers splaying out over the cold metal. ‘But it’s better to hurt together. Can I?’

Din nodded, signalling that it was okay for you to take it off. You gently tugged at the helmet, momentarily breaking away from him to place it beside you. It was a relief to see his face after so many weeks of having the beskar between you; the soft brown eyes and slightly crooked smile that met you on the other side felt like home. You could have stared at him forever if the galaxy wasn’t so fucking demanding of your presence.

You’d spent far too long on the other side of the beskar, waiting for him to let you in. And now that you’d got him, now that you’d promised yourselves to one another forever? You weren’t going to let it happen again.

You gently pushed back a few tufts of brown hair, offering him a sad smile. ‘You know we made the right decision, yeah?’

He nodded, leaning into your touch as your hands carded through his hair. ‘I know.’

‘So you gotta stop beating yourself up, baby.’ You stressed. ‘Stop shutting people out - stop shutting me out. I know we don’t have the kid anymore but we are still a family.’

‘I lost the ship. I lost the kid.’ Din quietly spoke. ‘I’m just worried that-’

‘- I’m not going anywhere.’ You shook your head, knowing what he was going to say before the words even left his mouth. ‘Even if you paid me. You are stuck with me, okay? Cursed with me till the day I keel over and die.’

Finally, Din smiled. He looked you dead in the eye and he smiled, eyes creasing at the side as he peered down at you, eventually tightening his arms around your waist. He held your head to his chest, ungloved hand gently clutching you as he rested his chin on your hair. The first time he’d clung onto you like this had been after a rough mission; neither of you had been sure if he was going to make it back and when he did, the first thing he did was pull you into his arms and you stayed there for what felt like hours. That was when Din realised for the first time that he loved you - and now, after weeks of isolating himself and shutting you out, this didn’t feel completely different from that. It was just that this time, it was less of a realisation of more of a reminder.

‘I didn’t expect it to be this bad.’ Din quietly admitted.

‘I know.’ You whispered back, voice slightly muffled by his chest. ‘But pain is only temporary. Dark times pass and we’ll learn to look back on this and enjoy the memories. They won’t always be tainted.’

He’d been in a dark place when he’d met you. It was like he’d been treading water, waiting for the riptides to take him, to stake their claim and remind him of his mortality, to remind him that not even the bravest people can forfeit their ability to hurt. He tried. Maker, he had tried. The icy and emotionless impression he gave to strangers wasn’t an accident. It was a survival mechanism; a defense mechanism. One that you’d chosen to ignore. You’d saved him in every way a person could be saved.

Just as the waves were pulling him under, you’d dragged him out; dragged him to the shore and reminded him that pain was merely part of being human. Most importantly, you’d called his attention to the fact that no matter how much beskar he wore or how impenetrable he acted, that he couldn’t avoid being one. He could run away from bounty hunters and Imperials and the thousands of enemies he’d made but the fact of mortality was always hot on his tail.

Now, you were pulling him up for air all over again.

Eventually, pain stopped being a reminder of his humanity and instead, it was replaced by his love for you. His ability to feel things for you. You’d saved him then and now, you were helping him come up for air all over again. Being human didn’t always mean to hurt - it could just as much mean to love.

‘I’ve got you, okay?’ You tightened your grip on him, eyes meeting his. ‘Whatever you need.’

‘You.’ Din replied. ‘I need you. That’s all.’

a/n: ok i realised i published an identical but slightly different imagine to this in october but...clearly i have a type and that type is imagines where the mandalorian confesses that you’re the only thing he needs because i eat that shit up. consume it whole. i am telling you. i have no regrets. my content might is predictable but HELL at least u can rely on something in these wild times❤️

#din djarin x reader #din djarin imagine #din djarin x you #mandalorian x you #mandalorian x reader #mandalorian imagine #mandalorian fan fiction #din djarin fan fiction #star wars x reader #star wars x you #star wars fluff #din djarin fluff #mandalorian fluff #mandalorian spoilers #mandalorian season 2 spoilers

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chocolatecakecas · 4 years ago

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I will probably delete this later because I've already made 10 posts about this already but I'm fuming at the moment.

I have never felt such a pure amount of utter disappointment and heartache in my life, my heart is literally ACHING. And I'm just so fucking hurt and angry, which might sound dumb or dramatic but I really don't care. (and I'm not even going to TOUCH on destiel, bc that is a whole other discussion) This is my comfort show, these are my comfort characters, I have loved them for 9 years. In this moment though, I just want to talk about Dean Winchester.

Dean Winchester has always resonated with me so deeply, and to see his entire character development, his 15 years of growth and self realization, thrown out like it was nothing, fucking hurts. A character who had to grow up too fast, a character who has never been in control of his own life, who hates himself more than anyone could ever hate him, a character who feels like he disappoints everyone, a character who believes everyone would be better off if he was dead but secretly just wants to live for once in his life, a character who has never allowed himself to think about what HE wants rather than what somebody else needs from him. He spends his whole life secretly wanting to be free, free from the control of his father, free from the responsibility of protecting Sam, free from fulfilling whatever destiny the universe decides he has to carry out now, free from carrying the literal weight of the world on his shoulders. And the moment Dean earns his freedom, secures his free will and ability to write his own story, they kill him. And his death brings the message "the only way for Dean to be happy and at peace, is to die". What the fuck? I mean what the actual fuck. The only way to achieve true happiness, when you're depressed and self-loathing, is to die? I can't even BEGIN to unpack that it's fucking sickening

Honestly I think the way he dies is the one of the worst parts of it. After everything he has been through, Dean Winchester the righteous man, dies from a screw on a routine hunt. What a fucking slap in the face. I mean seriously, Dean is killed by a screw fighting clown masked vampires? It's a blatant insult to his entire character(and to Jensen), that his entire purpose has been boiled down to, getting impaled with a screw and dying. It also reaffirms the idea that it was "Dean's destiny to die", which is horrible within itself. Dean is only 42, he has NEVER gotten a chance to live his by his own terms, he has never been able to purse anything that would actually bring him happiness, and the SECOND he's able to, they kill him, which kills his 15 years of growth in the process. He deserved to live a long, happy life, because that's what he WANTED, he made that clear numerous times. And now he'll never get that chance, he'll never get to live. He'll never get to be his own person.

So now Dean's entire character arc is "I died to protect my brother Sam, so that he could live and have a good life. I will now sacrifice my happiness again for him, and I am happy with this decision". So basically travelling all the way back to where Dean was mentally, in season one. Erasing the past 15 years of Dean's progress on his personal growth and mental health. Completely obliterating the man Dean has become over the past 15 years, the man who now believes that he is more than his hunting, that he isn't a killer and that he worthy of love and happiness. That man has now been destroyed by a rusted screw. Dean's entire character has been widdled down to "the only thing I want is for Sammy to happy, I have no wants of my own and I'm happy Sammy is happy". Even when it was SO clear that Dean wanted to live, he said so himself numerous times, I mean go back and look at the job application that was on his desk in 15x20. Dean did not want to die, he wanted to live. So now Dean is not even his own character, he is just there to fuel the rest Sam's character arc. He is now a "plot device", rather than his own well-developed character that he has been for the past 15 years.

So I am disgusted at the lack of respect towards Dean Winchester, I am disgusted at the blatant disrepsect towards Jensen's Dean, the Dean he created and developed. It was such a big "fuck you" to Jensen after poured his entire heart and soul into developing Dean Winchester for 15 years. Jensen Ackles and Dean Winchester, deserved better.

#i cannot stop thinking about this dean winchester deserved the world this was disgusting #i am an og dean girl(who's favorite is cas much like dean) and i am sickened by this #like i dont think i'll ever get over it because what a big fuck you to jensen and the fans i cant #jensen ackles deserved better #dean winchester deserved better #dean winchester #jensen ackles #spn spoilers #15x20 #15x20 carry on #supernatural #castiel #destiel #destielgate #spngate #bec speaks #bec rambles about destiel #finale aftermath #november 20

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thegreenwolf · 5 years ago

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(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable–like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my books here on my website, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#COVID-19 #mental health #executive dysfunction #anxiety #depression #mine

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rafe-cameron · 4 years ago

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THE ANALYSIS OF JOHN B ROUTLEDGE

In the fandom, what I've seen is a lot of what I feel is misinterpretation of John B's character, which is leading to a lot of unnecessary slander, and overall a negative vibe surrounding John B, and giving a negative wave of backlash to those who do like his character. I am all for positive emotions, and supporting and liking and disliking whatever characters you'd like! Though, I would like to put this out here just as a way of explaining what I've seen in his character. This is not a professional opinion by any means, but I do have a habit and (ringing my own bell) talent in analyzing different characters from an unbiased point of view.

DISCLAIMER: All of this is not fact, but a closely analyzed opinion. You are free to disagree and I genuinely do not care if you don't like John B! I wrote this because I wanted to and feel it could help. And this is written FOR JOHN B. Don't hit me with comments of “but JJ also” or “but Kie didn't MEAN to” or anything, because I am not writing about them. I’m writing this one for John B, about John B, and how someone would view life through his eyes and with everything that happened.

Now, onto the analysis.

Episode 1:

John B has a wave of issues being presented in not-so friendly forms. A 16 year old is living alone, considering his father has been missing for 9 months. Looking at it that way, he's had to finish his school year while juggling constant jobs to take care to himself, for food, gas, and paying bills, on top of school. Even if it's revealed he missed a lot of school that year, it's hard to blame him. His mom left him when he was still a baby, His uncle by definition also abandoned him, and his father is gone. He's threatened with foster care daily, which means he would lose everything that he has, his home, and his friends, which are the only thing keeping his head above water.

That alone is enough to give him intense abandonment issues. Both parental figures left, his guardian is as he described it “MIA”, so his ability to process how people see him and how he sees relationships is going to be, at best, rocky. He's going to have it in his head that everyone around him can leave at any time and he won't have any sort of say in it. Not to mention the depression and the anxiety that would bubble up from all of this. Depression makes you lash out, anxiety makes you pull away, two things he's shown to have trouble controlling.

He gets an idea for a way to try and make his life better, and get money to support himself, JJ being the one to hype that up despite Kie and Pope being against it.

Come the party later that night at the boneyard. A widespread party with lots of people there, lots of drinking, and comes the fight between Topper and JJ, which led to John B stepping in to protect JJ.

This is the first of many times where John B is almost murdered or killed. Hearing Topper yells “dont make me drown you like your old man”, then being drowned by him, while everyone stood and watched until JJ went off his shits and saved him.

This? Is all just the first episode. A peek into the curtain of how his family abandoned him, then he gets his shit beaten in, and he gets drowned by Topper. This would only worsen his already fragile mental state. At this point, he's ready to call it off, and leave it alone, but JJ gets desperate to help his friend and himself, and he goes along with it. This leads to, again, him getting shot at by the two guys hunting down the compass he stole off the boat. The second time John B is almost killed.

“With no parents, no money, and no one looking out for me, I've got no chance, unless I make it on my own.”

He sees no way out of the hole he's in anymore unless he fights tooth and nail to get out of it, no matter what it takes.

Episode 2:

In this episode, he's got it in his head now that since he found a compass on a wrecked boat, that his dad is trying to reach out to him. When you have abandonment issues as deep-running as John B, any possible chance that someone who left already is trying to come back? You run with it. You cling to it like it is all you have, and for him, it is. This compass is all that he has to go on, and he's desperate to try and figure it out because this is his fathers last way of communicating with him.

He goes to Ms. Lana's house, and has to both watch and listen to two men terrorize her, and he is told vaguely by Ms. Lana that it is horrible that he has the compass. He returns home to talk to his friends, and goes to his dads office for the first time in a long time, and has to relive the fact his fathers gone at that point.

Only for the two guys to come to John B's house. They break in and completely ransack the place, they steal a good chunk of John B's fathers stuff. They have to sneak out of the window and go to hide until the two men leave, but, he has to sit and watch these people break apart his home and steal from him.

After all of that, they go to the lighthouse, where he's thrown into another panic over this compass that no one is telling him about. He's frustrated, and he's scared. They leave the lighthouse and in a complete blind instinct of adrenaline, he kisses Kie, and gets rejected by her. Then, he gets arrested, questioned, and has to get bailed out by Kie's dad, who insults him. Now Kie won't talk to him, and he has to go home to his damaged house.

He also has to get fired from hi only stable job, so now he has no money and no job, a damaged home, and lost a friend for now.

Not only that, but he does get hunted down by those two men again, and is almost killed for thr 3rd time, and runs through an electric fence, where he's almost killed the 4th time. He gives up his fathers compass, and while ull of hurt and despair for everything, returns home to try and move past everything, but he catches another glimpse of possibility, and he clings to it all over again.

And, his urge and crave to hunt down his dad only grows as they find the Redfield tomb thingy and find the package left behind by Big John.

Episode 3:

It starts off with John B having to sit through the emotion that comes with hearing his fathers voice for the first time in 9 months. The pain and the confusion and how much he missed him rushing back, it's a feeling that is hard to describe, but it is draining, and it doesn't feel good.

He talks to everyone about how he just wants to have a normal life, and stop stressing so much about damn near everything.

He's decently up in this episode, but his actions only worsen. He encourages stealing, and puts himself into risky situations. This is the bud of the suicidal/reckless tendencies he starts to develop as he starts to lose regard for his own safety, because subconsciously, he sees no point in caring about what happens to himself and those around him. This is where he gets desperate for a reason to keep existing, because he lost every other one that he had.

Episode 4:

In this episode, they find the merchant. They track it down and find it's empty, but John B isn't ready to give up.

He gets met, unfortunately, with DCS, who force him to pack, and start to take him away. In an attempt to not leave behind anything? He jumps from a moving vehicle, and is now being hunted down for the first time.

He's taken in by Sarah.

DISCLAIMER: OPINION.

This is where we see Sarah see that things with John B aren't cookie cutter. She knows hes plotting something, and she wants to get away from her Kook life and do something different and exciting. So, she tags along for the ride. Her and John B go out and Sarah puts John B into a situation where he is being led on by her, despite her being in a relationship. But, her desperation to break from her box gets the best of her, and John B clings to that romance, because a romantic relationship has a more solid foundation than a friendship to him. They're less likely to leave him. So, he wants to run with it.

This is a huge part of why he kissed Kie. In his eyes, if he's dating them, maybe they wont leave, but he can't have that same situation with just a friend. He knows that, and this is where he starts to push away his friends. Bite before you can get bitten, it's depression + abandonment issues 101.

Episode 5:

This one is.. a mess. Its a mess.

We start right off the bat with John B realizing that he can't go home anymore. JJ and John B get into a pretty nasty argument. JJ is concerned for his friend, and he wants him to be safe and stop all of this, naturally, but to John B? He hears JJ trying to give him on him, to abandon him, and to leave all of this. He reacts to this by lashing out at him, yelling at him, and talking about how he just wants to stop because he got beat up. Which, John B is still under the assumption it was just the Kooks, when it was both the Kooks and his father – something John B didn't catch onto. After they yell at eachother, John B has JJ following him again. It's a safe zone once more in John B's mind.

Then, after the party is crashed and they all meet up, John B tries to explain that Sarah got wrapped up into all of this. He has Kie, Pope, and even if JJ knew already, he's not too happy about it either. So he's got everyone mad at him for this, and even if spirits are high in terms of his recklessly driven hunt, he sees everyone around him getting angrier, and angrier. And that? Is making him angry too.

He goes to meet Sarah at the hawks nest. And once again, he is almost killed. He's shoved off of it by none other than Topper (who has tried to murder him twice now), and plummets, and ends up in the hospital.

But things can start to turn around, because Ward took him in and he has a legal guardian now, right?

No.

Ward is plotting to keep John B under his nose to make sure he doesn't find anything else out.

Episode 6:

Again, not much happens here. Things seem to be going good and despite Wards want for John B laying low, he doesn't. He finds the gold.

Episode 7:

Here, we have another instance in which JJ's bad ideas get John B (and everyone) put into danger. After trying to pawn off the gold, they get stopped by Barry, who threatens to kill him and robs them. John B is quick to jump into the line of fire and get the gold back, desperate to keep it. He succeeds, but JJ barrels into Barrys house and robs him. JJ manhandles John B a good few times for trying to stop him.

And nearing the end of this, he's told by Ward that Ward knows about the gold, and wants John B to give it all up.

John B says no. He's gotten this far and can't lose it all to Ward. Not only that? But he finds out Ward had something to do with his father disappearing. That sort of news is heartbreaking. John B snaps just a little more, but so does Ward.

Episode 8:

John B and ward get into it. Ward is messy and doesn't hesitate to try and kill John B while they're on the boat. Again, for the 7th time, John B is almost killed, but escapes it just in time to keep going.

He goes to Lana, who explains that Ward was the one who killed his father. He finds out now that the man he trusted and the man that took him in both wanted to steal from him, and murdered his only parent? That's too much to carry for any one person.

Ward tells authorities John B tried to kill him, and he's being hunted down even more than he was before.

He sees now that again, all of his friends are both worried and angry with him. He's panicking at this point. He's stuck on the run and can't seem to catch a break, more so now that Ward figured out where the gold is, and sees him trying to leave with it.

Episode 9:

John B now is framed for the murder of Peterkin. He's almost killed by Rafe at the runway, and is now on the run again. He's facing major charges and none of them are of things he actually ever did.

John B has no choice but to run away from the OBX, from the US< and try and figure out what to do with himself from there.

He's almost killed by Rafe, again, because he set the bell tower ablaze.

But he manages to escape long enough so everyone can put together the pieces of his escape plan.

Episode 10:

He leaves. He leaves with Sarah on the boat, but of course, power has to go back on, and they lose their cover. They're both hunted down, chased out to sea, and is considered dead because of the storm. He survives again, but just by the skin of his teeth.

Looking back on everything that happened to him just in these episodes, on top of knowing he had to deal with his father being gone for months without a clue of how to take care of himself, plus the fact he's now headed for his gold without anything but one bar and the clothes on his back?

John B quite literally lost everything. He lost his family, his home, his friends, his job, everything that kept his head above water, yet, he's expected to be the strong one, and the leader of the group.

He has expectations that he cant meet, and he's getting the wrong kind of help for his issues. Depression, anxiety, trust issues, abandonment issues, and I wouldn't be surprised if various forms of PTSD stemmed from everything that's happened to him. In no way is John B a perfect person. He is a flawed and complex character, who made poor choices, and acted out in bad ways, but, the entire gang is guilty of doing some bad things too.

JJ's aggression and lack of impulse control.

Pope's passive aggression and constant cold shoulder to not getting what he wants.

Kie's hostility and lack of self restraint.

Topper's sexism and abusiveness.

Rafe's drug abuse and abusiveness.

Again, you are so more than welcome to dislike and like whatever characters you want! Though, I hope this point of view can help clear up some of the thing's ive seen on John B being irredeemable and a bad friend to everyone.

John B is a wonderfully written, intense, lovable character, and I wanted to share my thoughts on him, his trauma, and his life! If anyone wants to see more deep character analysis', don't be afraid to request them! I enjoy doing them!

- jv

#outer banks #obx #john b obx #john b #john b routledge #john booker routledge #jj maybank #pope heyward #kiara carrera #rafe cameron #topper thorton #sarah cameron

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littlemisswolfie · 3 years ago

Text

Hope That You Fall In Love (And It Hurts So Bad)

Part II>

Somehow I never posted this here oops--

I’ve always loved @umisabaku ‘s Designation: Miracle fic series on Ao3, and I love to see a half-Canadian protagonist in anime because no one ever thinks being half-Canadian is cool, so I love Sk8: The Infinity, and I figured, hey! Why not combine them! And this happened.

TW for mentions of child experimentation and torture, a scene where it is heavily implied Nanako trades sexual favors in exchange for custody of Langa, a few scenes where Langa has nightmares, a brief moment of Langa having a panic attack, non-graphic descriptions of Oliver developing liver cancer, discussions of death and funeral arrangements, a non-graphic scene of Oliver dying, and the beginnings of Langa's depression.

Ao3

Hasegawa Nanako didn’t quite know what she was getting into when she got contracted by a private company straight out of nursing school. She was young and trusting and desperate for money after her parents died and left her with their debts, and the recruiter from Teiko Industries handed her a quote that was three times the average pay for nurses, so she took the job. She signed the stacks of NDAs, went through with the extensive background checks and drug tests, and underwent a psych evaluation before she even stepped foot into the lab that would change her entire life.

She wants to quit as soon as she figures out what was really going on. Human experimentation, torture, training children to be assassins… the whole thing makes her skin crawl. But, again, she really needs the money. No other job she could get right out of school would pay enough to chip away at her parents’ debt and pay for her apartment and car and food. So, with a heavy heart, she shows up for her shift five nights a week, and she’s assigned to the hospital ward that cared for Generation Infinity.

They’re the youngest generation so far. Eight years younger than Generation Miracle, which, Nanako learns from a particularly chatty coworker, was the most successful Generation by far. “They’re almost all Successes,” the other nurse says, cheery, like they’re talking about some sports game or a litter of kittens instead of living, breathing children. “They just had to scrap O394, but the others are all still promising. Well, maybe not B452, but still. That’s six out of fourteen! Imagine that.”

Nanako doesn’t want to imagine that. The thought makes her stomach churn. The casual talk of killing children…

“Maybe Infinity will be even better!” the coworker chatters on. “If our Orange Three can actually fly… think they’d give us a raise?”

The Project she sees most often during her shift is GI-B423.

Nanako knows there isn’t much hope for him. He’s only two years old, but he’s barely developed even the slightest invisibility. He doesn’t even display any Latent Overflow, which was supposed to be inherent in every Project. The scientists still make him wear the shock bracelets (horrible things, Nanako wanted to rip them off of him with her bare hands) and still send him to that torture chamber they stole from Orwell, but he’s already a Failure in their eyes.

To Nanako, he’s a baby. He’s tall for his age, with curious eyes and an unfillable stomach and a wonderful smile when she could wrench one out of him. He winds up in the hospital ward so often because of his reckless behavior. He tries to copy everything the other Projects do, particularly GI-O376’s jumping and GI-B531’s speed, and even when he doesn’t hurt himself trying something stupid, his heart rate elevates and he gets shocked.

“You should be more careful,” she says to him one night as she patches up a scratch he got when he scraped his arm on the wall of his cell trying to touch the ceiling. “I’d hate to see them hurt you for being reckless.”

Those eyes, too smart for a toddler, stare into her soul. “You’re worried about me?”

“Yes.” There’s no use denying it. Even if she didn’t care too much about this child who will probably be killed by the time he’s ten years old, it would be cruel to deny caring for a boy this young. And maybe she’s selfish, for feeling like this about GI-B423 and not the other children, but the scientists care about them plenty. They are Successes.

GI-B423 will never be a Success. So she has to care about him, because no one else will.

Nanako quickly comes to realize she’s one of the only people in Teiko that thinks of the Projects as human. This lets her see things no one else does.

So, a few years after she starts working, she notices GM-B425 is planning something.

She’s sure he’s fooling the others. The scientists and doctors and contractors think of these children as weapons, unfeeling, unthinking save for their direct orders. The Miracle Projects are generally allowed free reign of the facility as long as they stay out of the private offices and labs, so Nanako will take her time at the vending machines to watch them, and she notices the way GM-B452 watches everyone else. He’s the closest thing to a Success a Black will ever be, Nanako has heard, but he’s still going to be scrapped soon.

Nanako knows what desperation looks like.

She makes a choice.

“Let me get this straight,” says Honda-san, the director of Generation Infinity. He’s an older man, probably pushing sixty, with graying black hair and dark, mean eyes. He’s watched her with a predatory gaze from the first time they met when she first started. Nanako’s always known she’s a pretty woman, one of the few things her mother gave her, so it wasn’t like she was unused to attention from old, greasy men. “You want to resign, and instead of a severance package, you want to take GI-B423 with you?”

“Yes, sir.” Nanako’s wearing her best dress (and if it’s cut just low enough to be flattering, well, that’s just a bonus) and she did her make-up and she is being as polite as she can possibly be. “I’ve made more than enough money here to pay off my parents’ debts, and I was never cut out for work like this in the first place, so I see no reason to continue in my current position when you could hire someone more suited for the role.” She’s been saving since the day she started working. She never eats out, she doesn’t go out drinking, and she takes five minute showers. She’s debt-free, with savings to spare.

“And GI-B423?” Honda-san leans forward on his hands, his wrinkled brow furrowing further. “What use could he have to you?”

Nanako inhales and brings a hand to her stomach. “I’ll never be able to have children,” she says, the truth burning her throat. “I had to get a hysterectomy due to my endometriosis. I’ve come to care for GI-B423 as my own child, and you know as well as I do that he’ll never be a Success. If anything, he’s more noticeable than the other members of his Generation. Why spend the resources continuing to believe he’ll develop the abilities you would need him to? Why dissect him as if anything about him could better future Projects?” The words sting, tasting sour in her mouth. She hates saying these things about GI-B423, but it’s what she needs to do. “If you can get him on my family register, that’s all I ask. We’ll leave the country, and you’ll never hear from us again.”

Honda-san makes a considering noise, and, after a moment, he places his hand on her bare knee. His wedding band glints in the overhead light. “I might be persuaded.”

Nanako tries to smile.

Later that night, as Nanako is slipping her dress back up over her shoulders in the room of the love hotel Honda-san rented for the evening, Honda-san says, “What name did you want for him?”

“Langa,” Nanako says. “His name is Hasegawa Langa.”

Langa is confused, at first. “Where are we going?” he asks Nanako when she loads him and his meager belongings into her car. He’s never been out on a mission, so this is probably the first time he’s ever seen a car. “Does R0132 know where I am? He’ll get mad if I’m not at training.” He rubs at his wrists, finally free of those awful shock bracelets, like he can’t believe they’re gone.

“I don’t work here anymore,” she tells him. “I quit. Do you know what adoption means? It means I’m going to take care of you from now on.”

“So… I don’t live here?”

“No. And you’ll never have to do training again, or wear your shock bracelets, or go to Room 101. You can eat as much as you want. And you have a name.”

“A name?”

“Yes. Your name is Hasegawa Langa. You’re my son, now, and I’m your mother, and that means I’ll love you and take care of you for the rest of your life.”

Langa blinks. Then, he says, “Okay,” and he lets her buckle him in.

Two days later, they’re on a plane to Canada.

A month after that, nestled in their new apartment in Squamish, Nanako holds Langa in her lap and they watch, together, as Generation Miracle escapes from Teiko.

“Will they come for us, Mom?” Langa asks.

She squeezes him around the middle, perhaps a little too tight. “No, honey. As long as we keep our secret a secret, we’ll be fine.”

Nanako hopes she’s right.

The military never ends up knocking on their door, and Nanako thanks God for small mercies. She and Langa are doing everything they can to blend in, like normal immigrants. Nanako’s working at a nursing home, and Langa is enrolled at the local Catholic school, and they both attend Mass on Sundays and Wednesdays. Nanako makes friends with the other women in the apartment building and she tells them all that Langa’s father got her pregnant and walked out on her, so that’s why he’s not in the picture, and Langa dutifully goes along with the sentiment when asked. Langa isn’t making a lot of friends, and that would worry Nanako, but mostly she’s glad that it means there’s no danger of Langa accidentally telling a kindergartener with no filter about his time at Teiko.

He still gets nightmares, sometimes. Nanako never saw the inside of Room 101, and she wishes Langa never had, either. She never let him see the press images of how the JSDF found Teiko when they went hunting for the scientists, because that would only make the fear worse. Hell, she woke up in the middle of the night sometimes, catapulted out of a dream of fire and screaming, bloody children, guilty that she couldn’t save the rest of them, guilty that she only loved Langa and not the others, and she’ll never make Langa feel that, too. He has enough on his shoulders as it is.

Then, for Langa’s first Christmas outside of Teiko’s walls, Nanako uses up all the PTO she’s saved and they take a trip to a ski lodge, and there they meet Oliver Campbell.

Oliver, as it turns out, also lives in Squamish, as he tells Nanako one night over boozy hot chocolate after Langa has been put to bed. “I’m a firefighter,” he says, “though, when I was younger, I wanted to be a pro snowboarder.”

“I could never,” Nanako laughs. “That’s a little too dangerous for me.” Then, because the alcohol makes speaking secrets easier, she says, “Langa would probably love it, though. He’s always been an adrenaline junkie.”

Oliver looks surprised. “He seems like such a quiet kid.”

“Oh, you should’ve seen him when he was—when we still lived in Japan. Scrapes and broken bones everywhere.”

“Well, then, he’s lucky he had such an amazing mother to patch him up.”

Heat floods Nanako’s cheeks. “What good would my nursing license do if I couldn’t even take care of my own kid?”

“And… Langa’s father?”

“Not in the picture. It’s just the two of us.” Please don’t ask anymore, she begs. There’s something about Oliver that makes her want to be completely honest, and that could end very, very poorly.

“Ah,” he says, instead, “I’m sorry about that. Wherever he is, he’s really missing out.”

Nanako thinks of Honda-san, of his leer and his sweaty hands and his potbelly dragging against her back, and says, “We’re better off without him, trust me.”

The next day, Oliver starts teaching Langa how to snowboard. Just like Nanako thought, he takes to it like a fish to water, and even when he falls, the snow cushions his landing, so he just laughs and jumps right back up to try again. She watches from the sidelines and smiles, feeling warm, because this is what Langa deserves. He deserves to be a normal kid.

“When are you guys going home?” Oliver asks over dinner one night, a few days into their stay at the ski lodge. They’re having breakfast for dinner, a phenomenon Langa was very pleased to learn about, and Nanako ordered him three helpings of Eggs Benedict.

Langa is too busy shovelling peameal bacon into his mouth like he’s never eaten in his life to answer, so Nanako says, “Boxing Day. We don’t have any family in the area, so we’re just doing Christmas here.”

Oliver leans back in his chair. “That reminds me! Why did you guys move here, anyway? If you don’t have family here, I mean.”

Langa only barely doesn’t tense up, and Nanako promises to give him extra dessert for his restraint. “We needed a fresh start,” Nanako says. “I got pregnant with him while I was still in nursing school, and by the time I graduated, my parents had both died, and I got saddled with their debts. We stayed in Japan long enough to pay the debts off and save enough money to move, and we just… left. Where we went didn’t matter much, honestly, as long as it wasn’t Japan.”

“Your English is pretty good,” Oliver notes. He genuinely just sounds curious. “Both of you, actually. If I didn’t know you were immigrants, I would think English was Langa’s first language.”

Langa swallows a huge mouthful of English muffin and egg and says, “I know French, too! And some other languages.”

Nanako takes back her internal promise of extra dessert as Oliver’s eyebrows migrate up towards his hairline. “That’s very impressive,” he says. “Where’d you learn all those?”

Langa shrugs. “Around.”

“We learn English all throughout school, in Japan,” Nanako cuts in. “When I knew we were going to move abroad, I taught Langa, too. And he started teaching himself French when we decided on Canada. He’s a quick study when it comes to languages.” Oliver still looks a little unsure, so she rushes to change the subject. “When are you leaving the lodge, Oliver?”

“I’m checking out of my room on Christmas Eve. My parents always throw a big Christmas party at their cabin in Princeton every year, with all the aunts and uncles and cousins. It’s a riot, especially when we play Pass the Ace.”

“Pass the Ace?” Langa asks. “What’s that?”

A playful glint enters Oliver’s eye. “Oh, Langa, my boy, do you have any loonies on you?”

The three of them spend the next few days together. Langa wakes Nanako up as soon as the sun rises and they go downstairs to meet up with Oliver, who spends the rest of the morning teaching Langa how to snowboard. Then they go to the bunny slopes to toboggan, and at night, they eat dinner together, and Oliver and Nanako stay up long after Langa goes to bed to drink and talk.

Nanako’s surprised at how easy it feels to be around Oliver. Even before she started working at Teiko, her dating life wasn’t exactly active. Sure, she’d hooked up with a few guys in college, and she had a boyfriend in high school, but there was never a connection, not like this.

“Here,” he says, the night of the 23rd, “let me give you my number.”

“Really?” Nanako asks, even though she’s already pulling her phone out of her pocket.

Oliver gives her a confused look. “Yeah? I mean, unless you didn’t want to meet up back in Squamish—”

“No, I do!” Nanako rushes to correct. “I do. It’s just… I mean, with Langa…”

“Hey.” Oliver reaches across the table to take one of her hands. “Langa’s a great kid. Any guy who got scared away by him isn’t worth the time of day. I like you, and I like Langa, and I would love nothing more than to get to know the both of you better, if you would allow it.”

Nanako flushes again. She likes this feeling, like someone is looking at her and seeing her and still liking it. She knows she shouldn’t, that Langa’s secret could be in jeopardy if she gets too close to the wrong guy, but she can’t help it. “I think I will,” she says. “Langa would probably never forgive me if I took his snowboarding teacher from him.”

And Oliver laughs, and it’s one of the most beautiful sounds she’s ever heard, right under Langa calling her “Mom.”

She and Oliver start officially dating not too long after Christmas. He’ll come to the nursing home with Tim Hortons when she’s working twelves, and he picks Langa up from school and helps him with his homework, and he invites the two of them over for dinner at least twice a week because he knows Nanako is often too busy to cook. When it comes time to celebrate Langa’s birthday, Oliver buys him a brand new snowboard, and Langa throws his arms around his neck and chants “thank you”s into his hair.

He brings them to his parents’ cabin for Victoria Day, and his family is just as kind as him. His nieces and nephews do their best to include Langa in their games, but they don’t push when she shies away and hangs out by the buffet table instead, and his mother, Barbara, hugs Nanako like she’s an old friend rather than a stranger.

“Hey, Langa, wanna swim?” Oliver’s dad, Ray, asks, gesturing to the small pond nearby. Some of the other kids are already splashing around in it, and it is getting warm, so it’s no wonder he’s suggesting it.

Nanako tenses, but Langa just shakes his head. “I don’t swim very often,” he says in that serious way of his, and she releases the breath she was holding. She’s never taken him swimming since she adopted him, because she can’t be certain no one will see the GI-B423 brand on his upper thigh. He doesn’t have many scars, other than the faint ones around his wrists he usually wears long-sleeved shirts to bulky bracelets to cover up, but that one in particular would be very hard to explain away.

Oliver gives her a curious look, but she just shrugs like she’s seen other parents do when their kids are acting weird, and he gives her that lopsided smile and everything is okay again.

A month later, Nanako terminates the lease on her and Langa’s apartment, and they move their things into the small house Oliver owns. Langa’s a little confused about why Nanako says he can’t sleep with her as often as he used to now that they’re living with Oliver, but he doesn’t complain. After her, Oliver is his favorite person in the whole world.

They go to the ski lodge again for Christmas, and Langa barely stays off the slopes the whole time. He’s only seven now, but he snowboards better than people three times his age and with a decade more experience.

“He’s a prodigy,” Oliver says, watching him jump a worryingly high way into the air. “He could go pro.”

Nanako hopes he doesn’t. She doesn’t want him to attract too much attention to himself. “Maybe,” she says. “But he’s a little too spacey for that, I think.” Oliver laughs and puts an arm around her waist, letting her melt into his side. “Maybe.”

That Christmas, surrounded by the Campbell clan, Oliver gets down on one knee and asks Nanako to be his wife. Nanako can see Langa over Oliver’s shoulder, bobbing his head up and down like a bobblehead, and she lets out a wet laugh and says “yes.”

It’s a quiet wedding, at the cabin in Princeton, with just Oliver’s family and some of Nanako’s friends from work. They include Langa in all of their wedding photos, and he hugs Oliver and calls him “Dad” and Oliver almost cries.

This is it, Nanako decides. This is all she needs. Her husband and their son and the life they’ve made for themselves.

As long as no one finds out about Teiko.

Langa’s been very good about keeping it all a secret. He never talks about Teiko, or his Generation, or the powers that should have developed but never did. He doesn’t take his bracelets off around anyone, even Oliver, and when he has his nightmares, he quietly wakes Nanako up so she can slip out of bed and comfort him until he falls back to sleep.

Things aren’t perfect, but they work.

Until Generation Miracle is put back into the spotlight.

Nanako studiously never brings up the Miracles. Sometimes people will ask if she has an opinion on them, and she always says no. If a news segment is playing and talking about them, she’ll change the channel or turn the TV off. It’s been harder to ignore all the media attention lately, since Teiko’s more insidious designs are suddenly being brought to light. She’s not sure who is suddenly talking, or why, but she’s more than happy to bury her head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t concern her.

Until one day, when she gets home from work, and sees Oliver and Langa sitting on the couch and watching as a teenage boy with light blue hair and a calm fury Nanako only ever saw in one person says, “All we have ever wanted to do is be free.”

Nanako lunges for the remote to change the channel. Oliver squawks in surprise, but she kneels in front of Langa, who’s sitting rigid, like a stone, and takes his hands and says, “Are you okay, sweetie?”

He nods robotically, and she winces. He’s retreating. That’s not good. “Hey, baby, breathe for me, okay? In for four, hold for five, out for six. Just like we used to.”

Langa sets about his breathing exercises, and Oliver stands up, looking more concerned than she’s ever seen him look. “What’s going on? He got all quiet as soon as that news segment started.”

“Oliver, it’s a long story—”

“If my son is having a—a panic attack, or something, I think I deserve to know why!”

This is what she’s always dreaded. She has to come up with something. If she brushes him off, he’s just going to keep digging, but if she says something too complicated, she won’t remember what she said later and it will bite her in the ass. I shouldn’t have gotten him involved, she thinks, mournfully, already picturing the divorce proceedings and custody battle and Langa missing the only father he’s ever known. I knew it was too risky.

“GI-B423.” Langa gasps, and Nanako whips her head up towards him.

“Langa—” she starts, panic rising in her chest, at the same time Oliver says, “What?”

“My designation,” Langa says, he’s still clearly upset. “GI-B423. The twenty-third Black Four Project in Generation Infinity. Failed experiment. GI-B423…” He continues muttering, clearly back in that awful place, and Nanako throws her arms around him.

“Shh, baby,” she coos, rocking him back and forth, feeling him tremble against her. “That’s not you anymore, remember? You’re Hasegawa Langa. You’re eight years old, you’re in year three, and you live with your mom and dad in Squamish, British Columbia.”

She repeats this mantra a few times, drowning out Langa’s, until he stops trembling so much. His little hands grip her scrub top like she’s a liferaft in the middle of the ocean. She’s no stranger to this feeling; most of his nightmares result in a similar embrace. Her neck is damp from his tears and snot, but she keeps on rocking him, letting him cry himself out until he falls asleep.

Throughout it all, Oliver watches, silent.

Nanako carries Langa to bed and tucks him in for an impromptu nap, and braces herself for the awful conversation she knows she has to have.

Oliver is still sitting on the couch, silent, staring at the wall behind the TV. “Well,” he says, before Nanako has a chance to say anything, “a few things make more sense now.”

“Oliver…”

He looks at her, meeting her worried gaze, and sighs, opening his arms. She falls into his embrace readily, collapsing against his side. In his arms, she feels safe, like nothing can touch her here. “Tell me your story,” he says, playing with her wedding band, and she does.

Nanako won’t say things are perfect after Oliver learns Langa’s secret, but they’re certainly easier.

Now, when Langa has his nightmares, he can crawl into bed in between his parents and not have to worry about revealing anything he shouldn’t. Oliver’s always been better at calming him down, too, so having his help in soothing Langa’s nightmares is a huge deal. Nanako doesn’t have to be on the lookout for evil scientists or government agents all on her own anymore, now that Oliver is also keeping an eye out.

The three of them sit on the couch together to watch the coverage of the Special Diet, and when the Miracles are declared not dangerous, Nanako almost cries.

Maybe they can finally be free.

And so, the years pass.

Things are never perfect. They wouldn’t have been perfect if Langa wasn’t a genetically engineered child designed to be an assassin, but even then, things are a normal amount of imperfection. Langa still has trouble connecting with kids his own age, but not in a weird way, just a kid way. Nanako and Oliver have their odd disagreements, though they never go to bed angry. Oliver goes out drinking with his coworkers from the fire station more often than Nanako would like, but he never drives drunk and never gets angry or abusive, so she doesn’t try to make him stop. They get enough money to buy a larger house just outside of Squamish, and Nanako starts up a garden in the backyard in the spring and summer. In the winter, they spend more and more time on the mountain as Langa falls more in love with snowboarding.

And he does love snowboarding. He’s always pushing himself to go faster, jump higher, do more. Nanako is nervous that he might want to go pro, but he never brings the possibility up. He just wants to snowboard with his dad. He doesn’t care about the money or the glory or anything else. As long as he has his board and the snow and Oliver, he’s happy.

And then Oliver gets his diagnosis.

It starts small. He’s less hungry than he used to be, “But your food is as delicious as it’s always been!” he says with a flirty wink. The fifteen-year-old Langa rolls his eyes.

Then, he starts losing weight. He was always fit, with not a lot of fat on him, so when he starts losing weight, Nanako gets concerned. “You’re not trying to diet or anything, right?” she asks, staring at his narrower chest.

He shakes his head. “I’m probably just getting old, honey. We didn’t get to go on the slopes much this winter. I’ll start jogging to get my muscle mass back up, if that’ll make you happy.”

Langa goes on these runs with him. He’s always been an active kid, since Teiko was training them to be super soldiers, so he always has too much energy. The extra activity is good for him.

Oliver, on the other hand, doesn’t benefit as much from their daily jogs. He keeps losing weight, and every once in a while, he complains of abdominal pain. “No, Nanako, I’m not going to the doctor,” he says when she gives him a worried look. “It’s probably nothing.”

Then, on Canada Day, Nanako is woken up when Oliver bolts out of bed to be violently sick in their ensuite bathroom and notices his skin is jaundiced, and the next day she packs up him and Langa and they all go to the hospital together.

Liver cancer.

Stage 4.

Treatment options.

Life expectancy.

Langa shuts down.

Oliver deteriorates quickly after that.

He’s in the hospital more often than not, and when he’s admitted two weeks before Thanksgiving, everyone knows it’s for the last time. Nanako and Langa are there as often as they can be, sitting with him and holding his hand and desperately trying to pretend he’s not about to leave him forever. The nurses even buy Langa a cake when the three of them all collectively forget his sixteenth birthday.

When Langa is at school or sleeping in the waiting room, Nanako and Oliver go over his will. He’s leaving everything to Nanako, of course, but he says she should let his cousins come and take a look at family photos after she decides what she wants to keep. He also writes a letter for Langa, but doesn’t let Nanako read it. “It’s for him,” he says. “He should be the first one to read it.

“I don’t want a funeral,” he tells her, voice weak. “Don’t spend your money on that. Don’t make Langa go through that. Cremate me and bury me next to my grandparents, and go out to lunch after.”

“Okay,” she says.

“I wish this wasn’t happening.” For the first time since he got his diagnosis, Oliver starts to cry. “I don’t want to leave you and Langa. I want to see him grow up and fall in love. I want to see your hair turn gray.”

“I want that, too,” she says. She grips his hand tightly and lets her own tears roll down her cheeks. “How am I going to do this without you?”

He tries to crack one of his crooked grins. “You’re a smart lady. You’ll figure it out.”

A few nights later, Nanako and Langa are woken in the middle of the night, and they rush to the hospital. They get there in time for each of them to hold one of Oliver’s hands as he takes his last breath.

Like Oliver wanted, he’s cremated and buried in Princeton, next to his grandparents in the Campbell family plot. His parents take them out for lunch at a Swiss Chalet, and Langa barely eats. He has the letter Oliver wrote him clenched in his fist. He hasn’t read it yet; the envelope is still sealed.

Nanako won’t push. He’ll read it when he’s ready.

They go up the mountain that winter.

Langa stands at the top of the slope and stares down it. He does this for twenty minutes, and walks back to the lodge.

“We can’t stay here,” Nanako tells Barbara a few weeks after Christmas. “It’s—it’s killing Langa, being here without Oliver. He’s not eating, he’s barely sleeping…” She chokes back a sob, and melts into the warm embrace her mother-in-law offers her.

“You’ll always be family,” Barbara assures her. “Do what you need to do. We’ll always be here if you need us.”

“I’m thinking we should move back to Japan,” Nanako says to Langa later that night. She doesn’t really want to go back to Japan, but Teiko is gone. For good, now that the Miracles thwarted their attempt to build a new one near Hawaii not long after the Special Diet. There’s no reason not to go there, when that’s where they came from and the country in the world most comfortable with mutant children.

Langa, still blank, says, “Okay,” and then nothing else for the rest of the night.

They sell the house, find an apartment in Okinawa, say goodbye to the Campbells, and get on a plane to the country they fled almost ten years ago.

I hope I’m doing the right thing, Oliver.

#designation:miracle #sk8: the infinity #sk8 #langa hasegawa #nanako hasegawa #oliver hasegawa #ao3fic #my writing #my post #mine

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fistsofcurie · 5 years ago

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Why is Cal the protagonist instead of Cere?

So I was replaying Jedi: Fallen Order recently, and something really stuck out to me. This is going to be long, kinda ranty, and full of spoilers, so analysis is under the cut.

For those of you unfamiliar with the game, you play as Cal Kestis, a Padawan who survived Order 66. For reference, Cal looks like this:

In other words, he looks like every other modern white guy video game protagonist:

Except maybe slightly younger than average, and ginger this time (and even that was apparently one of the first things people modded out). Oh and he has a cute droid. This post intends no shade to BD-1, for whom I would die.

Anyway, when we meet Cal at the beginning of the game, he’s living in hiding from the Empire, who would very much like to finish the job they started with Order 66. When Cal’s status as an ex-Jedi is revealed, the Empire sends a couple of Inquisitors after him, and he barely manages to escape with the help of Cere Junda, who looks like this:

Over the course of the game, we learn that Cere also used to be a Jedi - a full Knight instead of a Padawan like Cal, but that she turned away from the Force in the aftermath of Order 66. Eventually (SERIOUS SPOILER WARNING TURN BACK IF YOU CARE ABOUT THIS) it’s revealed that the Second Sister, one of the Inquisitors hunting Cal, is none other than Trilla Suduri, Cere’s former Padawan. Cere left Trilla to care for some younglings they were guarding while Cere herself ran off to try to lead the Empire away. Cere was caught and tortured until she gave up Trilla’s location, and then Trilla was caught and tortured until she became an Inquisitor. When Cere saw Trilla take up that mantle, she tapped into the Dark Side, allowing her to escape, but also prompting her to give up the Force lest she fall completely. Trilla, for reference, looks like this:

This brings us to the main crux of this post, namely, why the hell is Cal even in this game, much less as its protagonist? Trilla, as the main antagonist, is only after Cal because a) he’s a Jedi, so killing or capturing him is pretty much her job as an Inquisitor and b) he’s after the same MacGuffin she is. It’s not personal, it’s business. Any personal edge to the taunts she throws your way throughout the game only comes by way of Cal’s relationship with her former Master. Make Cere the player character, and the conflict with the primary villain immediately becomes hugely more personal, more visceral, the reveal of Trilla’s identity has that much more impact.

True, it is a big part of Cere’s character arc to show that she’s recovered enough from her trauma to be willing to trust Cal, be open with him, and train him, but the opening up and trusting parts could easily be transferred to her relationship with her friend and pilot Greez, aka Space Danny Devito. As for being willing to take on a new Padawan, the primary MacGuffin you’re trying to recover in this game is a holocron containing a list of force sensitive children whom Cal and Cere EXPLICITLY PLAN TO TRAIN AS JEDI. If that isn’t enough of a source of that type of angst, I hardly think Cal “Personality of Wet Tissue Paper” Kestis is going to do the job. If it didn’t get explored thoroughly enough in this game, that’s just more sequel fodder. Instead of (MORE BIG SPOILERS FOR THE VERY END OF THE GAME TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED IT) destroying the holocron to prevent the Empire from hunting the children it identifies, Cere could use find those children. Maybe the next game would have the children themselves as the MacGuffins you’re trying to collect, or maybe it would skip ahead in time to where Cere has already trained some of them up a bit. They could each have their own strengths, weaknesses, and special abilities, and you could play as different characters on different levels depending on what was needed to get the job done.

True, movie canon shows us that there isn’t a thriving Jedi Order up and running at the time of the original trilogy, just isolated hermits like Obi-Wan and Yoda, which is why it’s such a big deal when Luke becomes a Jedi and we assume that, after the fall of the Empire, he’s going to re-found the order. That didn’t stop us from getting characters like Kanan, Ezra, and Ahsoka in Rebels though. (Yes, I know Ahsoka’s not technically a Jedi at that point, but you get my point.) They could easily be operating in an isolated cell somewhere on the Outer Rim or something. Or maybe they get shut down at some point, giving us more fuel for tragedy and feels. The point is, there are ways to handle this that both don’t conflict with canon and also don’t completely invalidate the goal you’ve been pursuing for the whole game. Oh look, the choice of protagonist isn’t my only issue with this game’s plot. Short detour, back to the main point.

You wouldn’t even have to change the main story beats that much. Cere would also have been in hiding, as demonstrated by the fact that she’s still alive, so have her huddled up in some backwater when she gets exposed and attacked like Cal was, forcing her to realize that she’ll never really be able to hide from her past and must face it. Her cutting herself off from the Force mirrors Cal’s damaged connection to the Force, so you could have the necessary video game progression of gaining back various force powers as you move through the game. Cere’s worry about falling to the dark side is much more in line with the traditional Star Wars theme of light vs. dark than Cal’s worry that he’s not good enough because he failed to save his master, Jaro Tapal, and is, in my opinion, more interesting as well.

Hell, speaking of Jaro, I’d take him as a protagonist too. So many species in the Star Wars universe, and when’s the last time we had a video game with a canon protagonist who was anything other than a human? The physical strength and agility he’d have as a Lasat would give the designers room to give the players some cool moves to play with.

Anyway, Cere’s light side/dark side conflict could even give you some interesting story mechanics to play with. Maybe the game allows you to make a final choice whether to try to redeem Trilla (light side) or take revenge on her for hunting you (dark side). Or maybe, in the final boss fight against Trilla, you could choose to tap into the dark side to get a power boost, but in exchange you get a worse ending.

The point is, as far as I can see, there’s literally only upside from the perspectives of both story and game mechanics to making Cere the protagonist of Fallen Order instead of Cal. Feel free to point out anything I might have missed, but that’s how I see it currently. The only thing holding them back would have been the fear that Star Wars fanboys and hardcore gamers wouldn’t have bought the game if it had an older black woman on the box art instead of a young white guy. The depressing part is, they’re probably right.

I will admit, I’m being somewhat hyperbolic here. I did still very much enjoy the game, and Cal was at least a serviceable protagonist, if not an exciting one. He’s just everything we’re used to seeing in a player character, and nothing we’re not, and that’s always going to be disappointing and frustrating when the opportunity to have a kickass Star Wars video game centering on the conflict between two women of color was right fucking there but we didn’t get it and instead they played it safe.

#star wars #jedi fallen order #cal kestis #cere junda #star wars jedi: fallen order #swjfo #sw jfo #cw torture mention #swjfo spoilers #jedi fallen order spoilers

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calzona-ga · 5 years ago

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SPOILER ALERT: The story includes details about the season-finale episode of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. While it wasn’t the planned ending, tonight’s Season 16 finale of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy, written by Mark Driscoll and Tameson Duffy and directed by Deborah Pratt, was fitting. Indeed, this season was cut short due to the halting of production in response to the COVID-19 pandemic.

You can’t be the longest-running medical drama on television without overcoming some challenges, and Grey’s already has proved its ability to pivot when the unexpected happens. The production shutdown was is the second major curveball for the show this season after original cast member Justin Chambers’ abrupt exit. No word on whether the four unproduced episodes from Season 16 will roll over to the next season. But this episode, titled “Put on a Happy Face,” had enough to tide us over until Season 17.

Let’s start on a positive highlight. After Richard (James Pickens Jr.) experienced hallucinations as well as a very intense and very public breakdown, fans feared that they might be losing another veteran Grey/Sloane surgeon. Determined not to accept his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) and Andrew DeLuca (Giacomo Gianniotti) worked around the clock to pinpoint the problem, with DeLuca coming through with a game-changing discovery: His dementia was a result of cobalt poisoning from a hip replacement surgery.

Not a hard fix. Dr. Link (Chris Carmack) was brought in to remove the cobalt, and it appears that Webber is on the road to recovery with his health. However, his marriage to Catherine is not out of the danger zone. Turns out the hallucinations had nothing to do with his marital discord. “Did you stand by me while I was being fired? You buy my hospital to humiliate me, or is that my mind playing tricks, too,” Webber contends before sternly kicking Catherine out of the room.

Meanwhile, DeLuca, who has been exhibiting erratic behavior and angry outbursts all season, isn’t able to bask in his incredible catch. Instead, has a breakdown of his own — signaling that it might be time to address his bipolar disorder-like symptoms, which are similar to his father’s.

DeLuca and Grey have become quite the medical duo this season but still couldn’t figure out how to make their romantic relationship work. It’s unclear where that will land next season as a new contender entered midseason — and he goes by the name of Dr. Cormac Hayes (Richard Flood). The two seem to have a connection, though it appears to be on a friendly level at this point (Hayes was a present sent to Meredith by “her person” Cristina Yang). Could this be the next Grey’s love triangle?

Elsewhere, Amelia Shepherd (Caterina Scorsone) finally had her baby! And she opted not to have an epidural because she’s an addict, and the epidural has fentanyl in it. While baby daddy Link wasn’t able to be present during the birth (he was performing the surgery on Webber), she had fellow “pregnancy club” sister Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) by her side. The two share a tender moment when Bailey hops on the bed to support Amelia as she is giving birth, calling back to the time when late George O’Malley (T. R. Knight) did the same for Bailey during her labor back in Season 2.

Alas, not everyone got a happy ending. Owen Hunt (Kevin McKidd) and Teddy Altman (Kim Raver) were set to walk down the aisle, but Teddy needed her one last go-round with Tom Koracick (Greg Germann). Unbeknownst to her, she somehow recorded it and sent it to Owen, who had to endure the embarrassment of hearing it while in the OR surrounded by his colleagues. The wedding eventually is postponed, with Owen giving the excuse that he was pulled into surgery last-minute. In typical Grey’s fashion, there is never a wedding without drama.

Deadline spoke with Grey’s Anatomy showrunner Krista Vernoff, who unpacked the final episode, hinted at what’s to come next season and revealed what storylines she wished they were able to air this season. She also weighed in on the fan reactions to Alex Karev’s controversial exit.

DEADLINE: The Season 16 ender wasn’t what was expected, but like you said in your tweet, it was very satisfying, and a fitting Grey’s ending. How do you plan on carrying over the storyline to next season, or is there a plan to carry over the storyline from the last four episodes to next season? KRISTA VERNOFF: I have not formulated that plan yet. In about four weeks, I’m going to get in a room with the writers, and we’re going to talk about all of it. I know that a lot us are having brainstorms since we have so much time at home. A lot of us are texting each other, and going, “Oh, what if we did this? What if we do that?” So I have a feeling that their stories are going to change some, from what we had planned, and that we’ll repurpose some of what we had written and use it in the early episodes of Season 17.

DEADLINE: The production shut down was the second major curveball for the show, after Justin Chambers’ exit. What were your thoughts on the reaction to his exit?VERNOFF: Well, you know, I haven’t been commenting on this much, but I just did an Instagram Live where I said that, so, I’ll say it to you too. I believe that there would’ve been at least as big an outcry if we had killed that character off-camera, and those were our choices. It was kill the character off-camera, or come up with some believable way that he gets his happily ever after, and some of the fans have posited, ‘well he could have just been off-screen in Seattle like April Kepner, but then you’ve got an actress on the show who doesn’t get to do any of the fun, sexy, playful thrill that we’re known for, then you penalize the actors who are staying on the show by limiting what you could do creatively with them. So I was really proud of that episode. I think Elisabeth Finch did an extraordinary job with a nearly impossible task.

That episode made me cry. It made me laugh. I felt really deeply. I felt satisfaction, and I will say that I have received a great many comments from fans who felt the same way, but the angry people are always the loudest ones.

I wasn’t surprised by the fan reaction, but I know it would’ve been equally angry if I had killed him — so it was like, these are your choices, and I felt really happy with what we chose.

DEADLINE: The fact that you didn’t kill the character off also leaves the door open that we might see them in the future. So is there any chance of [Justin Chambers] or Katherine Heigl, ever coming back? VERNOFF: When I left the show in Season 7, people asked me if there was any chance of me ever coming back, and I was smart enough to say, “Never say never.” Here I am, so who knows?

DEADLINE: Jo was able to accept Alex’s decision in a short amount of time and come to terms with everything. Did that have anything to do with her character’s stint in the psychiatric hospital, at the beginning of the season? VERNOFF: Yes. Jo had had such a dramatic, emotional, painful arc, the second half of Season 15. None of the writers, frankly, none of us wanted to see her go back down into a hole. One of the things about the way the character was written off is that she had a lot of time to wonder, and to fear the worst, and I have found in life that when you have a lot of time to wonder and fear the worst, then when you get an answer, even if it’s terrible news, it feels better than not knowing. And it helps you move on, more quickly.

DEADLINE: I want to just touch on Richard’s illness. Is it safe to say that he’s out of the danger zone? Also, did his illness contribute to anything that had to do with his relationship with Catherine? And what can we expect from that couple in the future?We’ll start with the illness — is he in the safe zone now that they’ve caught it early and treated it? VERNOFF: Yes, and I thought that that was one of the most amazing things about this diagnosis was that the cobalt poisoning thing is real and it really can cause all of those symptoms. It can cause dementia-like symptoms. It can cause Parkinson’s-like symptoms — tremors, hallucinations — and the amazing thing about it is that once you diagnose it, and you get the leaky hip out of your body, you can recover, totally. That felt, just as the storyteller, an amazing thing because it let us give Jim Pickens this really rich, rich material, without us having to permanently disable his character. I think that that was an amazing ride for the fans, because the outcry of we’re showing symptoms that don’t feel like they have cures.

There’s not really a cure for Parkinson’s. There’s not a cure for Alzheimer’s. So I know everyone was in a panic, and so, we got to tell this really satisfying story, and we got to let people know that sometimes, there’s another diagnosis for those symptoms, which we found fascinating, as a group of writers who write medicine, that it’s so rare to see something this satisfying.

DEADLINE: Did the symptoms from the cobalt poisoning have anything to do with his attitude toward Catherine? What’s in store for them? Can we still hold out hope for that couple? VERNOFF: I think you can always hold out hope for any couple on Grey’s Anatomy. You never know where it’s going, and I think that the way we designed this was that the fracture, the real fracture in Catherine and Richard’s relationship predated the cobalt poisoning.

So the way we imagined it was that, with the depression, everyone thought it was related to his divorce, and it was actually a symptom of cobalt poisoning. And then the tremors were a symptom of cobalt poisoning, and then the hallucinations, so that when he forgave her, he forgave her in a hallucination. And when he was well, he remembered the actual events from his life, for which he has not yet forgiven her. The reason that I hold out most for that couple is that Catherine rediscovered her deep and profound love for Richard when she almost lost him. I think that that may enable her to apologize in the way that Richard will need to hear.

DEADLINE: Speaking of forgiveness, in true Grey’s fashion, there’s never a wedding without any drama, as we saw with Teddy and Owen. We’ve seen their relationship woes throughout the series, and this season felt like they were going to finally get it together and find each other and have their happy ending. Why haven’t they quite found that happy ending, and can Owen forgive Teddy? VERNOFF: I think that those are questions that we will have to explore in Season 17. I will say that of all the storylines that were left hanging, that is the one that I was the most disappointed about. Actually, there were two: I’m disappointed that I cannot give Teddy — we had an episode coming up where we were able to better articulate and better understand what’s prompting Teddy’s behavior, and we don’t get to air it. Who knows, maybe it’s going to change between now and when we’ll actually shoot it for Season 17, but I feel for Kim Raver. The amount of standing is high, and we’ve left her in a strange place. It’s compelling, and why? Your question is big. Why? Why would she sabotage — why, when she was finally getting her happy ending, did she sabotage it? I think it’s the super-rich area personally.

And then the other story that I was really disappointed that we couldn’t complete — and I will tell you that I haven’t told this to anyone else, but we did a story where there as a victim of human trafficking, like two episodes ago, and DeLuca we got recognized it but he was in such a mentally compromised, manic state that nobody listened to him and the girl left. We had an episode where she comes back, and I am really sad that we can’t air that episode this season because it felt important to offer that kind of hope to people who are living that experience. I may still complete that story next season.

DEADLINE: I want to touch on DeLuca, who has gone through this really rocky journey with Meredith this season. Although they haven’t really been able to figure out their personal relationship, they’ve proven to be a great medical team. What can you tease about this couple? Last season, we talked about Meredith being ready for love. What can we tease about this couple in the future? Is somebody else going to throw a wrench in everything? Somebody by the name of Hayes? VERNOFF: There is hope for Meredith and DeLuca, and I think that there is hope for Meredith and Hayes. I will be fascinated to see how that storytelling emerges in season 17 because this story played in a way that I didn’t picture. You know, you write a thing, and then the actors play it, and then it gets all put together, and then you know what the story is. You don’t know how it’s going to play when you write it. It’s been amazing for me to watch this story this season. I feel like Giacomo has been so compelling, and DeLuca has risen so much, and simultaneously, Hayes has been really compelling and feels very much like Meredith’s equal. At this point, I’, not even sure which couple I’m rooting for, and that’s always an exciting thing.

DEADLINE: Yeah. We love our love triangles on Grey’s. VERNOFF: Yeah. Yeah.

DEADLINE: One couple might have found their happy ending, it seems, is Amelia and Link. The birth of the baby was such a nice ending to a season full of ups and downs. Was that one thing you were excited about? To see Amelia who had her complications with her first pregnancy, and this one turned out fine. VERNOFF: Yeah. I love that story and I am so grateful that … we got to air it this season. It would’ve been really a bummer if we hadn’t made it there, this season. So, that was just luck and I’m grateful that it was in that episode. I love that scene where Bailey gets in the bed with Amelia, and we call back to when George got in the bed with Bailey and it’s just so beautiful. It was pitched by Meg Mooney, who’s been with the show for 15 years. It made me cry when she pitched it, and it makes me cry every time I watch it. I, like everyone else, at this point really am loving Link and Amelia, and I was so happy. That ending for them felt so hard won this season.

DEADLINE: Is the next season being envisioned as the final season since it’s the second of the two-year pickup, or are you guys having conversations about potentially more seasons? VERNOFF: You know, what I always say to this question, is my answer again today, and that is: I will not start planning the end of Grey’s Anatomy until Shonda [Rhimes] and Ellen and ABC all sit down together, tell me that this really the end this time. The truth is those conversations might be being had if we weren’t dealing with a global pandemic, but everyone’s gone home, and I suspect we’ll start talking about that in a month, or two.

DEADLINE: Speaking of this global pandemic, obviously Grey’s is known for taking things that are happening in the world, and incorporating it into the series. Are there any plans to reflect on this current pandemic on the show for next season? VERNOFF: I haven’t had a minute yet to sit with the writers and talk about it. So, we’re all at home, and we’re on hiatus, but in about four weeks, we’ll gather, and we’ll talk about it. I have a hard time imagining that we don’t have to acknowledge this massive thing that we’ve all gone through, in our fictional world, too, but I have no idea how. I don’t know what it’s going to look like.

DEADLINE: Station 19 — we still have more episodes coming with that series. Are we going to see any of the Grey’s characters in the final couple of episodes? VERNOFF: Yes. Happily, yes, you are. The Grey’s characters are all over the last two episodes of Station 19. So, that is a really nice treat for the fans, too. Many of our Grey’s characters are in Episodes 15 or 16 on Station 19.

#grey's anatomy #krista vernoff #deadline #scoop

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queen-of-deans-booty · 5 years ago

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I Want to be a Hunter Like You (AU)

Characters: Dean Winchester x Hunter!Reader, minor characters

Word Count: 2,438

Warnings: angst, fluff

Request: Hey can I request a fic au where Dean and the reader are together, Dean isn't a hunter and never was but reader is and he finds out what is her real 'job' and he wants to learn more with angst and fluff in the end if you may, thank you so much

Summary: Dean isn’t a hunter, but you are, and you’re trying to keep this life from him as best as you could.

Squared Filled: Vampire // Going to the zoo // Grudge // Turned into a vampire

Beta: she wants to remain anonymous

Author’s Note: This is for @spndeanbingo and @spnfluffbingo2019 and @spndarkbingo and @spnclassicbingo respectively and this is unbeta’d and any and all mistakes are all on me.

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

Getting home late wasn’t an unusual thing for you. Monsters didn’t care what time of day it was, they were still going to kill people until they were stopped. Almost always, you were covered in blood, guts, or any other kind of liquid. Normally, you would go home, take two or three showers, and then go to bed. However, after meeting and dating Dean Winchester, you had to be a lot more careful when you come home and what you do. He wasn’t a hunter and didn’t know of anything about this life, and you wanted to keep it that way.

There was already too much death and depression that normally came with the job, you didn't need to add Dean into the mix. He was such a pure soul and had a compelling personality, you didn’t want to see what would happen if the lifestyle were to taint that. However, it’s been getting more and more difficult to hide anything from him since he’s moved in with you. His brother, Sam, lived close to you, which is why he thought it was a good idea for him to move into your house rather than the other way around.

Luckily for you, Dean was with his brother right now, which gave you the freedom of washing off vampire gore before he came home.

Vampires were your easiest monster to kill since you’ve had a lot of practice with them. When you were first starting as a newbie hunter, you thought you would go on a hunt alone rather than with an experienced hunter to a nest of vampires that was too large to take down by yourself. At that age, you were cocky, and you thought if you could take them all down, then your mentor would be so proud that she would start to let you do the harder stuff.

When you got there, you didn't know that two nests merged into one, so it was a lot bigger than you realized. You would have left and come back with more help, but you had already killed five of them before realizing there was so much more. It was too late to back out because they had already heard you after the sixth kill. They started to fight back, of course, but you managed to kill about half of them when your mentor and her team barged in. The vampires realized they were outnumbered and escaped, but not without saying something that sent chills down your spine even to this day.

“We will be back, and we will get our revenge.”

Your mentor was so pissed that you went out on your own that she didn’t even look at how many of them you killed on your own. Ever since that day, you’ve been trying your best to make her proud. Even after she died, and you had enough skill and knowledge to continue on your own, you still wanted to make her proud which is why you’ve been tracking those same vampires for more than ten years.

You’ve killed a lot of monsters along the way, but you’ve managed to gather enough intel on these vampires to know where they were going to hit next. As to not raise suspicion with Dean, you wanted to propose a trip to the town so you could be closer and work it from the inside. You figured you could distract him with a movie (since he always falls asleep at them), or you could take him somewhere where he wouldn’t notice you gone for a few hours.

You hate lying to him, especially when he’s been nothing but truthful to you, but you couldn’t tell him about this. He seemed like he would be a terrible hunter because he couldn’t follow directions that well. He liked to do things on his own with his own terms, and if he were to use that logic while hunting, he would die. You knew this because you were like that before. It took a lot of death and destruction for you to finally learn your lesson. Dean just wouldn’t be able to survive out there.

After you had gotten all the blood and guts off you, you checked your resources to see if anything had changed over the past few days that would tell you if the vampires shifted to another town or not. What you found was something shocking, and it wasn’t what you were expecting.

The town in which you were going to visit, there had been numerous reports of animals at the town’s zoo that had been found dead with their blood drained. The vampires you were tracking only wanted human blood, but you knew this had to be their work. They wanted you to know where they are, and you were going to kill every last one of them even if it’s the last thing you do. You owe it to your mentor to at least try.

So, you knew where you were going to go, and when you were going to do it. The only problem was trying to keep Dean busy enough so you could escape.

“It’s awesome that we can do this on such short notice. You sure your job doesn’t mind you taking time off like this?” Dean asked as you two entered the zoo. It was getting dark, which was perfect since the vampires might be out here, watching and waiting.

“Yeah, they don’t mind,” you smiled, especially when hunting was your full-time job. Dean never questioned where you went to, what you were doing, or where your money was coming from. You had an inheritance that would last you for the rest of your life, which is what you’ve been living off of ever since your grandparents died of natural causes.

“Awesome. Let’s check out the snakes first,” he grinned, taking your hand and leading you over to the habitat. Your eyes scanned your surroundings for anyone who might be staring at you or lingering a little too close. There was a machete hooked on your thigh holder underneath your flowy dress, and there was a gun hooked into your waist from underneath. Your Spanx was really holding everything together, so you weren't too worried about anyone finding out what you were hiding. Guns wouldn’t work on vampires, but it would at least slow them down if you shot off their kneecaps.

Dean was admiring the snakes when you caught something out of the corner of your eyes. A person fled from one side of the zoo to behind a habitat, too fast for your liking.

“Hey, Dean, I’ll be right back. Bathroom,” you chuckled.

“Okay, I’ll be here,” he smiled. Taking off to the bathroom, you made a sharp turn at the last second to follow the person you thought you saw. However, when you got to the other end of the habitat, no one was there. You thought it was strange to see a person move that fast, but then you realized you left Dean all alone. If there were vampires that were truly here, then you shouldn’t leave him alone.

Rushing back over to where Dean was, you noticed he was in a headlock. One of the leaders of the nest was holding him with his fangs out close to his neck. There was a huge gash in Dean’s neck from where the vampire bit it, and as long as the vampire’s blood stayed away from the wound, Dean wouldn’t turn into them.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” the vampire grinned as Dean winced.

“What is going on, Y/N?” Dean asked in a whimper.

“You haven’t told him?” the vampire gasped.

“Let him go, Seers. He isn’t part of this.”

“No, he is. In fact, if you had left us alone back then, then maybe this wouldn’t be happening. I told you that we will get our revenge, and I think I know how we can do that,” he laughed.

“Seriously? You’re holding a grudge for something that happened ten years ago? If it wasn’t me, then another hunter would have taken you out.”

“Yeah, but it was you, and now you’re going to pay for it,” he laughed. He held up his hand which was cut and bloodied. You knew exactly where this was going, so you rushed over to Dean to at least try and save him from this.

“No!” you yelled just as the vampire let his blood drip into Dean’s wound. A person from behind hit you hard on the head, and you fell to the ground in a heap of darkness. The last thing you saw was Dean struggling against Seer’s grip, and the last thing you heard was his voice screaming your name.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?” a man asked as he shook your shoulders. Your eyes opened wide, and you jumped up. The man jumped back in fright but stayed to make sure you were okay.

“Dean!?” you yelled, looking at your surroundings. The man who woke you up was a worker that was closing the zoo when he found you lying on the ground. “Where is Dean?”

“Some man told me to give you this,” he said as he handed a slip of paper to you. Snatching it from his hand, you noticed there were only coordinates on it which is where they must be holding Dean.

“Damn it!” you yelled as you got up without thanking the man. Your legs picked up as you ran out of the zoo and back to the car. If their intention were to hurt you, then Dean would already be fully turned by now. If he wasn’t, then there was still a way to save him. All you would need is Seer’s head on a stick.

Punching in the coordinates into your GPS, you squealed out of the parking lot to the secluded place on the map. When you got there, a long warehouse stood before you. Nothing else but trees surrounding the area. If they were in there, they knew you were coming, which is why you had to be smart about this. Thankfully, you had loads of syringes filled with dead man’s blood which is deadly to vampires. Your tranquilizer gun was enough to do the job, and if you were going to go in there, you would need to take out some of the vampires.

Climbing the nearest tree to the best of your ability, you settled on one of the branches before lining up your shot. Vampires hung out throughout the house, and from what you could see through the windows, there were more of them than you thought there would be. There were only ten syringes, so you used them efficiently. By the time you were done, you knew you could enter the place confidently.

Prying the door open, you walked inside while holding your really good machete in your hands. You knew they knew you were here, so you didn't bother with being quiet.

“Seers! Where’s Dean?!” you yelled. The double doors in front of you opened to reveal Dean tied to a chair. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had fangs. Fear spiked in the back of your mind, but vampires who haven’t fully turned looked like that, so you still had hope.

“You always seem to shock me,” Seers said as he walked into view, holding one of the syringes which were empty. “I was going to play this the easy way, but you’re only making it more difficult for you.”

“Let him go,” you glared.

“Maybe I will so you can be his first meal. I’m sure he’s just itching to get the first taste of human blood. I wonder what yours tastes like.”

“You’re going to have to catch me if you want my blood,” you growled. Dean hadn’t had his first taste of blood yet which meant he could be cured. As soon as the words left your mouth, the vampire started charging at you. The thought of your disappointed mentor filtered through your mind, which gave you the motivation you were searching for. Dean watched as you cut heads off left and right, dropping bodies as if this was your fucking hobby. You kept going until only Seers was left, the person you’ve been waiting to kill since you first saw him ten years ago.

“You’re dead meat,” he growled as he charged at you. It took some effort on your part, but you sliced the machete right through his neck, effectively cutting off his head. His body dropped to the ground, and you wasted no time in rushing over to Dean.

“No, don’t,” he gasped as you went to untie him. “I’ll hurt you.”

“That’s okay, Dean. I can cure you. I know how you make you human again,” you said as you got the stuff you needed from your duffel bag in the car. You were glad that you brought the stuff so that you could cure Dean as soon as you got there. The concoction wasn’t hard to make since you had everything you needed. Once it was finished, you made Dean drink it all.

He threw his head back as he screamed in agony as the potion worked through him to undo what was done. The vampire blood in him was purified until there was no more left in his system. He slumped in his chair at the end, and you scrambled to get the ties off him.

“Dean? Please say something to me,” you begged.

“That was badass,” he mumbled. Sighing in relief, you helped him off, letting him use your body as support as you brought him back to your car. Once inside, you turned to him with tears in your eyes.

“I am so sorry you got caught up in all this,” you sniffled.

“What is going on?” he asked.

“The monsters you hear about--vampires, witches, werewolves, demons--they’re all real. I hunt them. I’ve been hunting that group of vampires for a long time, and I’m sorry you had to get caught in it before I could kill them all.”

“I want to be one.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. I witnessed a lot of bad things before you showed up. They kidnapped a girl and drank her blood right in front of me. These people are evil, and I can only imagine what else is out there. I want to be a hunter like you.”

“We'll talk about it when you’re better. You’re going to need your energy for that conversation,” you said as you pulled away from the warehouse.

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samclownchester · 4 years ago

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Supernatural Rewatch 01x14

Nightmare

(Next Episode | Masterlist | Previous Episode)

(Not Spoiler Free, I’ve seen up to 15x13)

Alright, it’s taken me a while to write my summary of this episode because it deals with some pretty heavy stuff, and I’m not sure if it deals with it very well. There are people who are much more knowledgeable about this subject than I am who have written really good essays on The Winchesters and abuse, so I’ll leave that to them. I’m just going to try and talk about what we learn specifically from this episode:

I’m going to start at the end, when Sam and Dean are walking away from the home of an abused kid who just committed suicide in front of them and they say:

SAM: Well I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we had Dad.

DEAN: (Looking astounded and pleased) Well, I never thought I'd hear you say that.

SAM: Well, it could’ve gone a whole other way after Mom. A little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we would’ve had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him.

DEAN: All things considered.

This is an argument used very often throughout the show to absolve John Winchester of his guilt, of how much he failed as a father – it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It could have been worse. Much worse. At this point in the show Dean is still completely dedicated to his father, and although Sam pushed back against him and thinks how they were raised “was jacked,” I don’t think he’s fully conceptualized it as “child abuse.” I don’t know if either of them really ever do. (Once they kill Chuck, they really need to go to therapy). What we do learn here is that John didn’t regularly beat them. And Sam is grateful for that. That’s a really low bar.

A moment that I feel like is worth commenting on is when Sam is talking with Max, trying to understand him and Max says, “When my Dad used to look at me, there was hate in his eyes. Do you know what that feels like?” and after a long pause, Sam answers “no.” I can’t tell whether Sam is lying here or not.

In my personal, very unprofessional, and uninformed, opinion, I think Sam is realizing that his relationship with his dad wasn’t That Bad ™ and so he doesn’t feel qualified to compare it to what Max is describing to him. (For instance, I have been Depressed ™ but when I had a friend who was officially diagnosed with Clinical Depression and started taking medication for it, I didn’t feel like my experience was bad enough to really compare and I started to think that maybe I had never really been depressed to begin with (news flash, although my experience was different I was still definitely depressed)). But that’s what I think Sam is feeling here. He had a bad childhood, he has a bad relationship with his father, and normally he’s not afraid of acknowledging that, but when faced with something that is bad on a whole different level, he suddenly feels like he doesn’t have a right to dislike his dad. Like he doesn’t have a right to be hurt by the way his dad treated him, because his dad never hurt him in this way.

I think he does know what it’s like to see hatred in his father’s eyes. But John never crossed that line so … it couldn’t have been abuse, right?

(Wrong)

This episode also features an argument between Sam and Dean that we will revisit often throughout the course of the show: Kill the monster or give them a chance to be human?

Sam: … I was connecting to Max! The thing is I don't get why, man. I guess -- because we're so alike?

DEAN: What are you talking about. The dude's nothing like you.

SAM: Well. We both have psychic abilities, we both...

DEAN: Both what? Sam, Max is a monster, he's already killed two people, now he's gunning for a third.

SAM: Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people? I'm sorry, man, I hate to say it, but it's not that insane.

DEAN: Yeah but it doesn't justify murdering your entire family!

SAM: Dean...

DEAN: He's no different from anything else we've hunted, all right? We gotta end him.

SAM: We're not going to kill Max.

DEAN: Then what? Hand him over to the cops and say 'Lock him up officer; he kills with the power of his mind.'

SAM: No way. Forget it.

DEAN: Sam...

SAM: Dean. He's a person. We can talk to him. Hey, promise me you'll follow my lead on this one.

DEAN:(After a long pause) All right fine. But I'm not letting him hurt anybody else. (takes Gun)

Something interesting that I’ve notice is, up to this point in the show, almost every monster they’ve faced has looked very inhuman. In later seasons we see more Vampires and Werewolves, monsters who look mostly human until they attack. The monsters the brothers have faced in season 1, even the reaper in “Faith,” don’t look like people. Even the demon they exorcised in “Phantom Traveler” didn’t act like the demons we meet later in the show – it didn’t talk much, and when it did it was with a monstrous voice. None of the monsters have been shown as sentient, conscious beings who can make decisions for themselves (with the exception of the Shapeshifter in “Skin” but he was so obviously creepy and messed up that any sympathy the audience felt for him was mixed with revulsion).

The point is, Max is the first “monster” we are introduced to who we understand to be fully human, capable of reasoning and understanding. Sam, with his deep empathy, sees himself in Max even before he knows they’re connected. He wants to help him. Dean, on the other hand, believes that evil deserves to be killed, and if something is killing people by Supernatural means – even if those killings are “justified” – then it’s his job to put a stop to it. This is something that the brothers never see eye-to-eye on, and it’s interesting to track how it affects the way they approach problems all throughout the series. (Including Jack who, sadly, Dean sees as a monster before he’s even been given a chance.)

The last comment I wanted to make is just an observation of the different ways Dean tries to protect Sam. There are two points in this episode where Dean is forced to confront the reality that his little brother suddenly has psychic abilities:

Once, while driving:

DEAN: I don't know Sam but we'll figure it out. We've faced the unexplainable every day. This is just another thing.

SAM: No. It's never been us. It's never been in the family like this. Tell the truth, you can't tell me this doesn't freak you out.

DEAN: (After staring straight ahead for a long moment) This doesn’t freak me out.

And again later, at the very end of the episode as they leave their motel room:

DEAN: I know what we need to do about your premonitions. I know where we have to go.

SAM: Where?

DEAN: (Deadpan) Vegas.

DEAN grins at SAM

DEAN: What? Come on man. Craps tables. We'd clean up!

DEAN follows SAM to the door and pauses on the threshold. He considers SAM, looking very thoughtful, then turns to pull the door closed.

In the first scene the audience (and honestly probably Sam) can clearly see that Dean is worried. But he won’t admit it. He knows Sam is scared of what’s happening to him, but it’s Dean’s job to protect his brother and he’s not going to make this any scarier than it needs to be. So he calls it “just another thing” and he tries to casually say that it doesn’t freak him out, even though it does.

Later, we see him joking about it. In a previous episode I made a comment about how I feel like Sam is bothered that Dean doesn’t seem to be taking this seriously, but in this episode, we see that the jokes are being used to mask his fear (in typical Dean Winchester fashion.) He is deeply worried about Sam’s powers, but he doesn’t want Sam to know. He doesn’t want Sam to worry. So he makes light of it, forces himself to laugh about it, all in an effort to protect Sam.

#supernatural #supernatural rewatch #01x14 #1x14 #nightmare #abuse #cw: abuse #tw: abuse #sam winchester #dean winchester #max #psychic #seriously this episode is very upsetting and I hate it #abuse tw #abuse cw

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chibivesicle · 5 years ago

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Golden Kamuy chapter 223; a current critique on the opioid crisis [?] and some of the boys have a sleepover.

This chapter of GK starts out with an update on the status of Nikaido as he runs through the hospital on the title page for “Nikaido cheers up” with a tagline of Nikaidash at the bottom. Ienaga doesn’t look pleased with his dashing about while perhaps Ariska is excited or wants to punch him - I really can’t tell personally.

Let’s move onto the first full page. Nikaido greets Koito and Tsukishima with a booming shout with huge action lines declaring good morning to both of them. Tsukishima still appears deadpan as he holds a portable urinal in his right hand (ugh, not a job I’d like to help Koito out with). Koito politely comments that he’s looking sharper and Nikaido screams it was the new medicine that Arisaka gave him. And then repeats good morning again with a huge shout.

Koito looks a little interested and he’s got some bags under his eyes, so clearly he’s not as keen on Nikaido as Inkarmat’s company. Arisaka then shows up to show a vial of methampetamine and it was developed by a personal friend. Nikaido then yells good morning to Ariska as he vibrates in the background.

Ariska then comments on Nikaido’s hyperactivity being the opposite of his depression as Tsukishima looks unimpressed and over everything. Of course Arisaka is thinking of all of the money they will make with meth. Ienaga then enters to check on Koito’s progress, which is improving well and then begins to hungrily lust over his youthful and beautiful skin. As she’s about to take a bite out of Koito, Tsukishima puts a pistol to her head. Nikaido is running around in the background. Tsukishima is still deadpan. I really am beginning to wonder if something in him broke when he had to threaten Koito in Karafuto.

Ienaga argues that skinning her isn’t much use since everyone has a copy of her tattoo, but Tsukishima states he’ll make a wallet of her. I guess to replace the wallet he may have lost in the fire in Edogai’s house . . . as I recall, he forgot his wallet on his way to the public bath when Ogata went in and the 27th burnt down the house and he didn’t have time to grab it as he fled from Ogata in search of Edogai.

Ienaga states she’s valuable to Tsurumi and that is all that matters. The page ends with Arisaka commenting on Nikaido running around like a cat after it takes a dump. I have to admit that is a hilarious statement to use and shows that Noda is clearly a cat lover and observer of cats. I don’t mean to mock Nikaido’s condition, yet that term is a unique way to describe something.

My own cat loves to get the cat zooms after he goes to the litter box. Why he feels this need to be liberated after a poop is beyond me, but pretty spot on behavior.

The action then turns to Hijikata’s group as Ogata states that they should move to a new location as Ienaga was captured by Tsurumi. It is interesting that Ogata refers Ienaga as both a geezer and he; is this a form of disrespect of Ienaga or is Ogata acting in the time period and just unsure of how to refer to her so he defaults to biological descriptions? Saying geezer is pretty impolite so, I would think that Ogata isn’t keen on Ienaga as a person and therefore speaks rudely of her.

Nagakura saw Ienaga as a transient member of each faction and Kadokura thinks she won’t know the exact location since she was injured at that time. Not thinking, Ushiyama assumes that Tsurumi would have killed him and taken the skin.

Ogata flat out tells them that they are all underestimating Tsurumi. He will pick up on their trail and find this location. He smiles as he tells them it is hard to escape from a Shinigami with a Cheshire cat smile. Oh how I’ve missed his cat smile. He likely knows even if they’d disagree with his firm statement as the most junior man in the room, he’s right. Hijikata even agrees with him as he puts down a book.

I really wonder how Hijikata feels about having the team/faction with less clever people. He gained Ogata for the time but if you stop and think about it, he really doesn’t have any intelligent planners on his team save for himself. . . .

There is then an excellent transition page where Ogata tries to shoot a mallard for dinner. He’s now using his left hand on the trigger and right hand supporting the rifle and lining things up with his left eye. He takes a shot and - misses the duck completely.

His reply, clearly in his own internal conversation with himself is “ . . . .” as we see him work the bolt on the rifle as he has a slight twinge of a frown as he seems to think about his last shot.

Does this mean Ogata is no longer a sniper? Honestly, I’d say he’s re calibrating. There are enough historical examples of snipers losing vision in one eye and retraining to use the other so it isn’t like he’s 100% lost his skills. He’s a tough and stubborn character, I predict he’ll find a way to snipe again. Is he disappointed? Obviously, he’s been using a rifle since he was a kid and he’s going to have to learn everything again, but he’s a smart guy. I think he’ll be fine. It is more interesting to see his struggle as he has to come to terms with the fact that he’s alive and he may need to think more deeply about how he fits in the quest for the gold. Ogata has long relied on his sniping as his #1 skill. He has more than that, but it was the skill that defined him. This should drive his character development.

Just like Sugimoto’s #1 skill is being able to fight like a demon and ignore his injuries. He’s just as bad as Ogata, neither of them can afford to be one trick ponies. They will both have to come to terms with how they look at their own skills and abilities.

The group then takes Ogata’s advice and they stay at a temple showing where a few more of their group are; Kirawus, Toni, Ushiyama, Ariko and the wee babe Kantarou.

Kantarou thinks they’ve found a good hideout with people moving through frequently. Or it makes it harder to track those observing you as you can’t pay as much attention - I predict if they stay in the temple, Tsurumi easily slips a spy in their midst.

Kadokura then is chatting with Hijikata and Nagakura. Despite being a sad old tanuki, he’s still in the jail employee loop and is able to explain that prisoners were sent from Kabuto prison to Abashiri to help with rebuilding. Someone was able to find them in transit and facilitate the escape of prisoners and they are all associated with a pirate. Boutarou the pirate! So a maximum security prisoner who is a pirate just broke his comrades out of jail. He apparently is a very *ahem* accomplished pirate and was one of the 24 tattooed convicts.

Hijikata then comments that he’s “making his move” so Boutarou must be interested in the gold for himself and his fellow pirates? Hopefully, he’s a smarter convict who will make things interesting - I mean pirate, yeah.

The temple door then opens to reveal that Ogata has brought a gift home for dinner, a whooper swan which is about 5ft in size . . . soooo yeah Ogata is not a tall man. Ah yes, the cat is proud of its kill.

This is the exact opposite of when Ogata shot the woodcocks for Asirpa. Those were small and hard to shoot, while this is a bird with a giant target on it. I wonder if Ogata is now working on the concept of starting with a large target and working his way down to smaller ones?

Ushiyama is the first to remark that Ogata doesn’t have to hunt for supper all the time. It is clear that Ogata feels the need to provide for a group - I don’t think it is a whole “I must kill all the animals.” more like “I can practice and get a free supper. Someone please notice and love me.”

Ariko then looks shocked at Ogata’s entrance with the swan. The middle panel is one of complete shock as he says “Superior Private Ogata”. Oh ho! Ariko knows Ogata even though they did not serve together during the war. This is very interesting! This also likely means that Kikuta will become more important and will have an encounter with Ogata. There needs to be something that happens between the sniper and the close range marksman.

Ariko’s reaction is such a Tanigaki reaction - he clearly does not like Ogata and he is immediately uncomfortable with him. What is very interesting is how he touches him just like how he touched Tanigaki when they started their sniper battle. Ariko is completely freaked out and sweating as Ogata asks him if he’s the same [betrayed Tsurumi]. The Cheshire grin as he asks if he betrayed Tsurumi’s group followed by a you never can tell. Ogata likely knows that Ariko is similar to Tanigaki and looks even more nervous only able to reply he didn’ imagine Ogata betraying them.

So, Ariko doesn’t have a good grasp on the Ogata midset, well even Tsurumi doesn’t putting him in the same camp as the rest of the cast. Clearly, whatever Ariko does know about Ogata implies that he was under the indication that Ogata was loyal to the group and would do his dirty work.

I really want to think that Ogata knows that Ariko has to be a mole for Tsurumi - he knows how Tsurumi thinks and I’m sure he’ll bail when the time is right.

Kirawus then is the transition to the discussion about eating the swans and adds you don’t even need to shoot one if you want to eat it when they are fattened up. Maybe Ogata just pounced on it like a cat, but swans and geese are total assholes so I’d personally still shoot it to avoid being poked at by it.

There is an Ainu belief that if you eat a swan your hair will turn grey so Kirawus will not eat it, most of the guys decline. Kadokura declines and is mocked by Kirawus since he already has grey hairs and Toni had not idea that he had gone grey. Kantarou is concerned about his looks so he passes and even Ushiyama won’t do it.

Nagakura and Hijikata enjoy the swan nabe as they describe it as tasty and dumb to pass on eating something worrying about death. It will happen at some point in time so why not. Ogata who is one of the youngest members of the group, then replies “hah” in agreement with both Nagakura and Hijikata as he enjoys his swan nabe. Does this mean Ogata doesn’t care what he will look like? That he won’t live long enough for it to matter? Or is it his total lack of religious/superstitious belief? Hell it could be all of these. Ogata is not one to worry about stuff that doesn’t directly matter.

They all go to bed in one room making it an awkward slumber party as they discuss the swan nabe. They sound like a bunch of gossiping schoolgirls and they try to decide if they should eat the nabe since they are clearly hungry. Ogata blankly stares at the ceiling - it is clear he is judging all of them. Look at his disengagement as he listens.

They clearly decide to eat the nabe and the next morning Nagakura gives them a hard time, teasing them about it. Ogata looks so over it as Kantarou and Kadokura look back at Ogata uncomfortably. The best Kadokura can come up with is the cheesy line that, they figured going grey is better than going bald.

Ogata just stares at Nagakura while Kadokura and Kantarou look a bit nervous.

It really seems like Ogata is sizing Nagakura up - everyone else then laughs (Ogata is not in the panel, but he’s clearly not laughing) and he’s back to silently watching and observing everyone. The final page ends with Nagakura’s internal rage as he spits and his eyes are completely black. Best not to enrage his inner fire . . .

This chapter has been quite useful and is staring to fill in more information as the factions shift.

1.) Koito is recovering well and Tsukishima has kept his dead on the inside and outside expression since Karafuto. I wonder if Tsukishima has broke. Helping Koito piss into a jar isn’t a fun job, but he’s at least keeping Ienaga at bay with no Kantarou to tie up.

2.) Nikaido is a one man military experiment. Now he’s been given meth in addition to his prosthetic limbs. It seems like no matter what will happen, his fate is a terrible one to have. Perhaps with the death of his brother he really is a dead man walking and just doesn’t care anymore.

I wonder if this is a current critique on the opioid crisis in the industrialized world, or the fact that another way to control people is through big pharma? Arisaka and Tsurumi already discussed morphine which Nikaido was previously addicted to and now they’ve switched him to meth. I really honestly feel bad about his character - he really has become a means to an end. I’m also not sure what is worse - his previous addiction to morphine or what will become his current addiction to meth. I’ve had friends that I’ve worked with use it or other friends have dealt with roommates using it. It is a complicated situation - I can’t tell if this is just a quick toss in there concept or if it will become more fleshed out as the story develops. A part of me would like to see this go further.

A quick search reveals that meth addiction and use is a problem in present day Japan and the first epidemic started after WWII as it shifted from the military to civilian hands. I wonder if some manga artists also have used meth or may have considered it based on their rough schedules.

https://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2014/08/23/lifestyle/dealing-addiction-japans-drug-problem/#.XfmVU-t7l0I https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/japan-place-with-strangest-drug-debate-in-world/ http://www.mhfmjournal.com/pdf/emerging-risks-of-new-types-of-drug-addiction-in-japan.pdf

I am not the type of person to even remotely try to examine this as a whole, but having Golden Kamuy introduce a sensitive topic is par for the course by this point.

3.) Ogata is re-calibrating and being quite blunt and forward with Hijikata’s group. He really isn’t trying to change very much in his interactions. He is critical of the lack of concern by several people and flat out tells them to take Tsurumi seriously and to not underestimate him. It looks like Hijikata seems to believe him to some extent. I will say he tries to ease over relations by bringing home dinner. I wonder if he is disappointed as Asirpa, Kiro and Shiraishi were a lot more thankful of his skills than this group.

4.) Ariko is in a tight spot. God, it is like Tanigaki all over again. What does Ariko know about Ogata? He clearly knows him from Kikuta - is he also someone who dislikes him based on what he knew about his past working for Tsurumi? Ogata has to know that Ariko is a double agent for Tsurumi. The question is will he even bother to warn the others or he just doesn’t care.

5.) There is a pirate convict! Oh ho! I look forward to this - it seems the pirate wants to form his own faction looking for the gold and must have been waiting to see how the hunt for the skins has gone. A new faction would be very interesting? Will he team up with others or go it alone with his crew?

Overall, this was a very informative chapter. I felt like it had a good balance of information and action. The Hijikata slumber party scene was quite hilarious. I predict we will see more Ogata, silently watching those guys.

#golden kamuy #golden kamuy meta #nikaido #koito otonoshin #tsukishima hajime #arisaka #Ienaga Kano #ogata hyakunosuke #hijikata toshizo #nagakura shinpachi #ushiyama tatsuma #kadokura #kirawus #kantarou #ariko rikimatsu #Toni Anji #boutarou

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lothirielswanmarvel · 5 years ago

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FACING GALACTUS: Avengers x Guardians of the Galaxy x X-Men (movie versions)

Word Count: 2904

Romantic interest: Thor (+ Star-Lord Love Triangle)

Summary: Our favorite Marvel heroes across cinematic franchises come together to battle the Destroyer of Worlds: Galactus.

—Character List: Movie Versions—

(NOTE: This list is provided because some Marvel characters may be referred to as their actual names, and not their hero titles. Also: two Fantastic Four characters were added to this sneak peak, but they may not be included/have a major role in the actual story.)

Reed Richards . . . Mr. Fantastic (member of Fantastic Four)

Shuri . . . Badass Princess of Wakanda (member of Avengers)

Susan Storm . . . Invisible Woman (member of Fantastic Four)

Scott Lang . . . Ant Man (member of Avengers)

Erik Lehnsherr . . . Magneto (member of X-Men)

Thor . . . Thor (member of Avengers)

Peter Quill . . . Star-Lord (member of Guardians of the Galaxy)

Mantis . . . Antennae Lady (member of Guardians of the Galaxy)

Steve Rogers . . . Captain America (member of Avengers)

Wanda Maximoff . . . Scarlet Witch (member of Avengers; relations with X-Men)

Sam Wilson . . . Falcon (member of Avengers)

Jean Gray . . . Dark Phoenix (member of X-Men)

Ororo Munroe . . . Storm (member of X-Men)

Carol Danvers . . . Captain Marvel (member of Avengers; relations with Guardians of the Galaxy)

Stephen Strange . . . Doctor Strange (Antisocial Sorcerer Supreme; relations with Avengers)

Evangeline Green . . . Angel (member of Avengers; relations with Guardians of the Galaxy)

Galactus . . . Galactus (Planet-eater. Douche of the universe. Do not engage under any circumstances)

—*—

I had three options. I was selfish, and I was a coward, so I chose the third.

“Just like Star Trek,” Reed Richards murmured at the control panel, next to Shuri.

“I’m more of a Star Wars guy,” Scott Lang said, stuffing his face with a peanut butter sandwich. To any other person, it was a harmless action. Innocent, even. In the dim lighting of the spaceship, all I could see was Scott’s jaw moving up and down. Destruction was rhythm. Crushing. Grinding into paste. Then he swallowed.

I shivered and turned away.

The first option was the simplest: killing myself. A few months ago, after the Moon Experience, stuck in space with no memories, I would’ve happily obliged. It would have been so easy. Quick, even. But I was selfish, and a coward. I chose the third.

Erik Lehnsherr and Susan Storm took up positions beside the massive machine. Their job was to keep the projector from becoming overwhelmed and obliterating us all.

His footsteps were loud. I felt his presence before his huge arms wrapped around me, holding me together like I would break into a million pieces if he didn't. Thor whispered softly in my ear, “You worry too much.”

Thor didn't really care who was around: he made it a known fact that we were together. I shook my head slightly, the back of my head brushing against his shoulder. “Can you blame me?”

“No. I don't blame you.” He was talking about more than just my nerves.

“Do you think I made the right decision?” I bit on my lip to keep it from trembling.

“I will support whatever decision you make,” Thor noted, pressing a kiss into my hair. “I don't like the thought of putting you in danger, but...I agree that there is no simple way to end this. It may be difficult, but I trust your judgement.”

“Do you really mean that, or are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

“No—I will never lie to you, my love,” Thor assured me. I felt his hot breath against my ear. “However, I am starting to favor that dream of yours where you bail on everyone and flee to the realm called Mexico.”

I sighed, and tried to enjoy the comfort of his closeness. “Don't cross that one out yet. Wade said he had some extra sombreros in his apartment.”

Wanda Maximoff floated above the ground and landed near us. She looked out the large glass window that displayed the vast vacuum of space. She nodded to us. Her expression was steady, but in her eyes, I could see the terror. “He’s getting closer.”

People gathered about the machine. Wanda joined Jean Gray, Carol Danvers, and Ororo Munroe as they positioned themselves by the massive cannon-like structure.

Option two was to restrain my advanced manipulation of gravity that brought Him here. Weaken them. Weaken me. The people in this room detested the idea. They stood against it. I knew Stephen Strange didn't imply anything personal with the proposition, but I couldn't go along with it. I was selfish, and a coward. I chose the third option.

I spun around to face Thor. He cupped my face in his hands. They were strong, large, and warm. It broke my heart to drag him into this.

“If this doesn't work…” I started, knowing he wouldn't like the proposition I was about to make.

“Then we leave this world together.” Thor prompted. His confident yet swift answer shocked me.

“Wha—no! I refuse to drag you down into the fiery pits of hell with me—and I know that’s where I'm heading, I've stolen too much of Tony’s scotch that's not for company. If there is any possibility of you surviving…” I trailed off underneath the intensity of his cerulean eyes.

“Evangeline, I am not going anywhere. You are all I have left—”

“Your siblings are still alive.”

“But they’re annoying and depressing. They stab everything.” Thor’s expression turned foul for a minute, his thoughts traveling to Hela and Loki. He shook his head and returned to the present. “You are the light of my life—you are my life. I've already learned of a world where you don't exist, I don't wish to return to it.”

The last line sealed my lips. The last few months hadn't been kind to him. They weren't exactly a walk in the park for me. I looked down. Thor’s hands fell from my cheeks and captured my hands. He squeezed them gently.

“Together.” I repeated. “If we die, that's all I want.”

“So do I.”

“...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.”

Thor raised my hand to his lips, pressing a loving kiss on one, then the other. “None of this is your fault. And if this is the price to pay for a future with you, it's worth it.”

Thor’s hands returned to my cheeks and leaned down for a kiss. I tried to memorize every detail. The clash of his soft lips and the scratchy, ticklish feel of his beard. The hotness of his breath. Every detail of Thor’s exterior should’ve been rough and intimidating, but it was too soft, too gentle.

“I love you,” He murmured against my mouth. “Just remember, darling: the glass is half full.”

“Only if that glass is full of vodka, sweetie. I love you.”

He laughed against my lips, pulling me in for one last kiss. We broke apart reluctantly. Thor tucked a loose hair behind my ear, and joined the others by the machine.

Wanda and Scott stood together. They must’ve watched the exchange, like the infamous eavesdroppers they were. Together, they wore dubious looks.

I glared and did something that Wanda hated. WOW MY THOUGHTS ARE REALLY LOUD, SOUNDS LIKE I'M SHOUTING, GOOD THING NO ONE CAN HEAR ME.

Wanda flinched. Jean Gray tossed a scowl at me. Carol glanced between Wanda and I. “Are you guys doing a staring contest? I used to do those with Nick, I'm really good.”

“Nick Fury?” Scott asked.

“Yeah.”

“Woah. He lets you call him Nick? He doesn't even let me address him in public.”

“Hmm.” Carol stayed quiet, but her eyes widened as she turned away. Scott didn't miss this detail, and ate his sandwich with more intensity.

Peter Quill approached me next. He wasn't thrilled that after my four months spent in space with the Guardians, I rejoined my old life, specifically my giant of a boyfriend.

He stood two feet away, hands hanging casually around his belt buckle, but his shoulders were too stiff to be nonchalant.

“All the tech’s good to go.” Quill said.

My head tilted to the side. “You don't have to be here, Peter. I don't want you to risk your life because of me.”

“I want to.” He insisted. The way he said it reminded me of a kid. I smiled slightly, and Peter must’ve taken it as a good sign.

“I'm not goin’ anywhere. But...it's times like these that I wish I was still half god,” He mused.

We glanced out at the extended panel of stars. Night and light, mixed into one. Mystical and frightening. If I wasn't about to die, I might’ve found the display beautiful.

“It's a whole new world, Jasmine.” Peter replied. It was his hobby to nickname me after Disney princesses. I didn't feel like a heroine: I was dooming everyone on the ship.

“Unless you stole a genie lamp that can get us out of this mess, I don't want to hear it.” My tone was mocking, yet somehow I managed to smile.

Quill shook his head, reinforcing his hands around his waist. “Nah. But you know...if I got one wish…”

His face turned from the glass to me in a sly yet dramatic way. His gaze was trained on me. His expression was almost peaceful, day-dream like.

“...It would be to make that smile reach your eyes.” Peter replied softly.

I didn't know what to say. Thankfully, Reed Richards came to the rescue. “Star-Lord, we need you at this control panel.”

He winked at me as he backed away, and returned to the board of buttons. Sam Wilson glanced around the room, “We look good...as good as we’ll get. I think we’re ready.”

Erik’s fists tightened. “We will be.”

Jean Gray straightened. Her red curls fluttered around her elbows like thirsty flames. “It's time.”

Steve Rogers and Mantis appeared at my side as my moral support. I looked out the window, and I knew I would need it.

Option three was the most difficult, the most impossible. Galactus wanted me to become his new “Herald” for my manipulation over gravity. One incident—I barely made the planet move an inch—and I was being hunted across galaxies. I harbored these abilities for four months now, after the Moon Experience, and it felt like I was fully connected to myself, like there was an extra sense of reality that I was now tuned in to. I didn't want to dispose of them. I didn't want to die. I was selfish, and a coward. I was going to fight Galactus.

I knew He had arrived, because the lights in the sky were going out. Something was blocking our view of them—something colossal.

As the lights were snuffed out across the horizon, Mantis’ hand fell upon my shoulder. “Relax,” She said. Her tone was usually silvery and light, but now it was brittle and cracked with fear.

Steve held up his shield—everyone knew it was useless, but it was a failed attempt to calm my nerves.

“We are Vul-CANS, not Vul-CANTS,” Shuri sounded younger than before. “We can do this. Begin firing!”

They reacted in unison. Thor, Carol, Wanda, Ororo, Jean—all took aim at the massive machine in the center of the room. I looked away as the room was filled with light. My eyes burned, and dark splotches danced before my gaze as the brightness seared every surface. The air in the room was alive now, like electricity. My skin was riddled with bumps—from the fear or immense energy source, I couldn't tell which.

I watched the reflection of the spectacle on the glass. Erik and Susan had the most tortured expressions, hands outstretched, trying to keep the machine together under the stress of so much power. I unclenched my fists at my sides as pain overwhelmed my palms.

“It's not enough!” Reed shouted over the noise. Lightning crackled from Ororo and Thor. “Scott, deploy the Pym Particles!”

The machine roared out with distaste. Steve pulled Mantis and I close, his shield angled at the source of blinding light. Apparently, his discomfort with technology hadn't lessened. In this moment, I couldn't blame him.

I could feel the energy against my scalp and rushing across my cheeks. I glanced back at the window. Most of the stars were gone in the sky. It was just darkness now. Night and light were separated by the fragile glass barrier.

“They didn't do this in Star Trek!” Shuri cried out.

“Everything Zachary Quinto does looks effortless! We’re almost there, keep up the pressure!” Reed’s eyes were protected with thick sunglasses. His dark hair whipped about his face.

“Didn't Uhura dump his logical ass?” Sam shouted.

“He still has Kirk!”

“STAR WARS IS BETTER! STAR WARS NEVER PUT US IN A SITUATION WHERE WE ALMOST DIED!” Peter nearly screamed to be heard.

“STAR WARS NEVER HAD LEONARD NIMOY—SHUT UP AND DO YOUR JOB, QUILL!” Reed’s face was slick with sweat.

The entire ship started to groan. I was focused on our view of space. Two lights now flickered in the sky. They were perfectly aligned with each other.

He's here.

Erik’s reflection staggered. His arms remained up, but one knee touched the ground, and I could see veins popping out across his face. Ororo’s lips were spread apart, teeth clenched together as beams of electricity flashed from her fingertips.

Mantis’ touch couldn't stop my heart from staggering when my gaze flickered to Thor. He was doing alright...sort of. His face was shiny with sweat, but that wasn't the most concerning part. Jagged bolts of lightning protruded from his body and flashed across the interior of the ship, sending up a shower of sparks. Erik and Susan could barely handle the projector—could they keep the ship from tearing apart?

“NOW!” Reed Richards held onto the edge of the panel for support.

Shuri pulled a lever. Energy shot out of the projector, exploding across the dark canvas.

It was what the light illuminated that made me hesitate. The outline of the helmet was like the hands of God coming together, slightly caved in on themselves, but never meeting. The grooves of a face were sketched with light, creased but not wrinkled, and the rest was hidden by the massive helm, like it was shielding the being from any association with humanity. It was a face that asserted dominance, even cruel regalty, with two inhuman orbs that showed no emotion.

This was the cosmic terror that the Silver Surfer warned be about. This was the monster that left Xandar as a dust cloud. This was Galactus.

The ship had gone dead silent in the absence of the energy surge. Reed’s voice mustered me from my terror. “Evangeline! Now!”

Every action from that point on was instinctual. I was just an observer, floating out above my body watching the spectacle. I saw my arms rise in front of me, almost cupping the little speck of light in the sky. I focused on that tiny little pinpoint, pressing down against the laws of reality, imagining myself punching a hole in space.

I hoped I was doing this right. I never made a black hole before.

I caught a flicker of movement at my side. Wanda had moved to the window, crimson bands weaving between her fingers. Her second job was manipulating density. Susan joined us as we concentrated on our task.

My focus remained on the light. It started to shrivel, becoming smaller and smaller. I heard the hiss of someone’s breath. It sounded painful. I felt a new pressure pull down on my limbs as I continued to condense the tiny sun.

The small spark of light slowly shrank and melted from existence. An eternal horizon of night lay in its wake.

“Alright, that's enough. Scott, send in the rest of the Pym Particles. We need to get out of range—activate the teleporters, Quill.”

The voice sounded faint, blurry even, like it was submerged underwater. I think it was Reed’s.

It took a minute to will myself to stop. My role as an astral observer wore off and I reconnected with reality, feeling aches and pains. Susan collapsed on the floor.

Light consumed my skin and my surroundings vanished. We returned to the Grandmaster’s ship.

I winced at the brighter walls leaned on the nearest wall for support. Wanda lowered herself to the ground and lay flat, staring up against the ceiling. “I think...I’ll take that little yellow pill that Wade Wilson offered me a long time ago.”

I sank down to the floor next to her, sitting up against the wall. “Do you think I’ll get a neighbor discount?”

Thor’s boots appeared before me. I couldn't make my chin move up. He sat down next to me, wrapping a burly arm around my shoulders. His skin was usually hot, but it was blazing against the back of my neck. We communicated without words as I scooted closer to him and our fingers entwined.

Stephen Strange walked up to our party. “Did it work?”

Reed’s arm stretched out and clicked some of the buttons on the wall. The surface became reflective glass. “Let’s find out.”

I glanced over Thor’s hand at the endless night. It was too dark. Too deep, too terrifying. And those two orbs still penetrated the black veil, inching closer.

Thor’s quick reflexes shielded my eyes before the explosion of light hit. It was blinding and made my body freeze, like I was Cap stuck in the ice, numb. It was that moment in the movie theater when the music escalated unexpectedly in the dark and it made your heart skip a beat and you stiffened with terror.

The light faded. I turned, feeling Thor’s chest press against my back as we looked out at the result. Everyone was eager to see—even Wanda propped herself up on her elbows to witness the outcome.

“What...what is that?” Jean Gray was the only one standing besides our tech support. An eerie yellow shade made her porcelain skin glow.

“The event horizon,” Reed Richards answered, his words tinged with awe.

Shuri gasped. “I should add this to my story...that would really show my brother and his pathetic cat videos.”

Scott nodded dully. “Yeah...I’m never watching Star Trek ever again.”

Carol Danvers leaned forward, peering at the fiery ring at the center of space. “Hold on...I’ve seen black holes, and that is not supposed to happen.”

I felt Thor grow rigid behind me. Three words escaped my mouth. “Oh my God.”

The pitch black of the sky morphed into a magenta hue. The mass of color moved, seeming to swat at the black hole.

The swarming mass dissipated.

The magenta background gave off it's own luminescence, and the face of Galactus reappeared. His expression was still neutral. Undaunted.

“Holy shit…” I heard Peter say. “What now?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note: Hi Awesome Adventurers, thanks for reading! I’ve been playing around with the idea of this novel for awhile, but I’d like to hear personally from you guys before I start publishing actual chapters. But thank you so much for reading, and please, if you enjoyed this, I’d love to hear from you! If I do start hearing from people, I will post this story on Tumblr, Archive of Our Own, and Wattpad. Your words are powerful, and I’d love to hear them c: love, fortune and glory to you!!

*Also, a few other things on this chapter: I included the Fantastic Four, but it is highly unlikely that they'll have a huge role in this series: they're just kinda thrown in here for the hardcore Marvel fans and to poke fun at Chris Evans. I also consulted a relative of mine with a physics degree, including my own research done on the topic, for this chapter. I know it's not the most perfect theory, but the idea came to me and I thought it would be cool to do! Thanks for reading!

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littlemisssquiggles · 5 years ago

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Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar’s Grimm Buddy.

Okay, but hear me out with this one, alright Pineheads? How many of you remember the Studio Ghilbi film called ‘Spirited Away’? I’d like to think that most of you know about it right?

Anyways, remember the character called No Face---the faceless spirit that befriended the main heroine of the movie.

Well this squiggle meister has been thinking. Back during V5’s runtime, when I first proposed the theory of a potential Dark Domain Arc where Ruby and Oscar become prisoners of Salem and are forced to work together to escape her dark world on their own, I also shared a theory about Oscar possibly befriending a Grimm or gaining a pet Grimm while in the Dark Domain.

This headcanon began with the idea of what if…Oscar befriended a lone Beowolf Grimm and this creature basically becomes his Toto, acting as a means of transport and protection for him and Ruby during their trek across the Land of Darkness.

This concept later evolved into my musing on Oscar becoming the RWBY equivalent of the Golden Cap from the Wizard of Oz and gaining the power to gain control of the Winged Beringels we saw in V6.

Now I have another ‘Oscar Befriends A Grimm’ idea that plays into my alternate Dark Domain headcanon where Oscar is the only one taken to Salem and she imprisons him a lonely tower much like the one she was confined to centuries ago.

The idea I have in my head is that, should Salem take Oscar, she wouldn’t imprison him just to torture him physically with violence and manipulation or any kind of dark spells. Oh no! By my headcanons, I feel Salem would torture Oscar with something far worse than any kind of physical pain---loneliness.

I have a feeling that Salem would force Oscar to endure what she went through while locked away in her tower. Complete isolation. Separating him far away from the people he knew and love in an abandoned part of the Dark Domain that not even Salem would go by herself. She wouldn’t keep Oscar in her castle. She’d keep him away. Far away from anything remotely resembling human interaction and contact. Salem would desire for the young farm boy and Ozma incarnate to feel every bit of desperation and longing for freedom that she suffered through while wasting away in that tower of hers for who knows how long.

One thing I noted from the Lost Fable is that when Salem was introduced in her backstory, she seemed well-taken care of despite being locked away by her father. This led me to believe that Salem’s father---the man who trapped her in the first place---must have possibly enchanted the tower in such a way that not only does it prevent intruders from entering but additionally cater to Salem’s every need. I figured Salem had everything she needed to survive up in her tower apart from the one thing she desired most---companionship and the freedom to see the outside world once more.

Where I’m going with this is that, should Oscar be taken to Salem, her objective wouldn’t be to hurt the boy. On the contrary, despite being her clear prisoner, not one day in his tower was Oscar left to starve and slowly wither away in his lonely tower. Instead, he was fed regularly with actual human food that wasn’t a farce. He wasn’t left to grovel in his own filth nor did he sleep on the cold dirt. Instead his chamber was lavished with everything Oscar would need to make himself perfectly comfortable---a warm bed and a wardrobe of fine robes; much like the one Ozma wore during in his lifetime as Diggs.

You might ask yourself

However, there were quite a few twists to all of this proclaimed comfort. For starters, as mentioned Oscar was left alone, void of any human interaction. His only companions were the Grimm that Salem left in his care to ensure his captivity inclusive of one particular humanoid Grimm that looked after Oscar; like a caretaker. This Grimm’s job was to ensure that Oscar was well taken care of. Not only did this creature feed Oscar, whether he was willing to eat or not, but it also clothed him, bathed him but it even watched him carefully like he was sleeping. This creature never left Oscar’s side. Oscar wasn’t even allowed to do his business in peace without this creature standing within a few feet of him; watching his every move with his hovering red eyes. To think, this creature was Oscar’s main source of company during his imprisonment and the routine on constantly being watched over by this hideous faceless monster ultimately began to wear on him after sometime.

And should Oscar dare try and escape, this creature would hunt him down and forcibly drag him back to his tower; kicking and screaming. During his earlier days of his imprisonment, it became almost like a game of some kind between Oscar and this creature. A game of cat and mouse where Oscar would come up with clever ways to outsmart the creature. Let’s say, for the first week of his imprisonment, Oscar spent it trying to escape and with each failed attempt he made it a little closer to the door. A little closer to freedom.

Until one day, he managed to trap the creature and make it out the door, sprinting outside. But what Oscar found outside drained every bit of hope he had left.

Let’s say, from within his tower, Oscar has no clue of what his surroundings were. He never saw where he was prisoned because after he was taken from Atlas, he was knocked unconscious and when he finally came to, he was already inside the tower within the room he would be confined to.

The idea I have is that Oscar’s tower is positioned on a lonely hunk of rock in the middle of giant Grimm Pool.

So even if Oscar tried to escape on foot, he wouldn’t get very far.

I also had this idea of Salem giving Oscar an incentive to be a ‘good boy’ and stay in his castle. A part of me wants to play with the concept of…what if…during the Fall of Atlas; Salem and her forces managed to successfully abduct a portion of the kingdom’s populace, holding them all hostages within the Dark Domain.

Unbeknownst to him, Oscar was crowned the ‘King’ of these said innocent prisoners. Therefore, their overall care and happiness was mainly dependent on his. So let’s say, there was a time during his captivity when Oscar refused to eat out of frustration of what Salem had done. So because of this, all those imprisoned Atlesians---adults as well as children were starved for that particular day he chose not to eat.

After all, if the king doesn’t get to eat then neither should his people, right? And all those times Oscar tried to escape and somehow went unpunished for his endeavors, well…someone else had to pay for his actions. I remember browsing through screenshots of an episode of the Walking Dead where there was some hilltop where someone had murdered characters important to the main cast and left their decapitated heads on display for them to see. I haven’t watched TWD since S3 admittedly but I did take a look at some of the events of some of its later seasons and this is one that I remembered.

So picture, something like that with Oscar’s situation where upon his escape attempt from the castle, he stumbles upon a graveyard littered with bodies of captured Atlesians, adults as well as children, who all paid the price for Oscar’s treason in his place.

Imagine Oscar learning of this from a malicious Salem who sent one of her Seers to reveal this little tidbit to him. People; innocent people, were being killed because of him. While he had selfishly been secure his own freedom, others were subjected to brutal punishment for his own actions and thus, would continue to pay for him unless he learned to behave.

So…Oscar has no choice but to behave. Oscar submits to his fate as Salem’s eternal prisoner and never dared try and escape again. He became to compliant King of Prisoners so that his fellow captive ‘subjects’ were never forced to suffer further on his behalf. And by accepting his captivity, Oscar additionally submitted to the feelings of depression, loneliness and hopelessness that came with it.

I know this concept is tad dark but…I like it since it plays into the manipulative side of Salem. So let’s roll with it for now for the sake of this headcanon of mine.

Anyways, going off of that, remember that Grimm I spoke of before? Imagine if…while imprisoned, Salem crafts and assigns a special kind of Grimm to be Oscar’s caretaker. This Grimm was christened the Kaonashi Grimm---a faceless Grimm with the power of mimicry enabling it to change its form at will by stealing the form and abilities of anything it consumes.

Remember how in Spirited Away, No Face would inherit the personality and voice of the Bathhouse spirits in consumed? That’s how I envision the Kaonashi Grimm to be. It can take the form of anything if consumes and this is inclusive of other types of Grimm. After it was created, I picture Salem feeding it different kinds of Grimm to test its abilities to change into these other Grimm and mimic their abilities.

So the Kaonashi can take the form of a Nevermore, Beowulf, Ursa, Geist, among other Grimm and can even mimic the special abilities known to said Grimm. I picture the Kaonashi being a very powerful and profoundly intelligent Grimm---the rarest Salem has ever made. Thus it is the only one of its kind. And it is this particular Grimm that Salem puts to live and stand guard over her special prisoner.

How does the Kaonashi know how to cook food…well…it mimics the abilities of the things it eats, right? So feel sorry for the poor experienced human chef that became this thing’s lunch so it can know how to prepare human food.

Like I mentioned earlier, as his caretaker, the Kaonashi cares for Oscar. Oscar is barely allowed to do much of anything on his own. The Kaonashi feeds him (and makes sure he eats), bathes him and for any other activity that Oscar must do on his own, it watches him with keen eyes.

This creature is completely at Oscar’s beck and call. After all, its sole purpose to ensure that he’s a happy little prisoner. And should the Kaonashi fail in its duties, Salem is quick to punish it for its failure. Since the Seer Grimm acts like Salem’s eyes and ears and has been seen to report back to her from time to time, I have this idea of Salem sending a Seer to check in on the Kaonashi watching over Oscar and should the creature be shown to be failing, Salem would chastise it through the Seer Grimm.

Like I’m picturing Oscar being asleep on night in his prison room only to be awakened by the painful screenching wails of the Kaonashi being brutally beaten; horrified by the sound. The next morning, when the Kaonashi comes up to bring Oscar his breakfast, the farm boy would be horrified to discover it limping with scratches embedded in the Kaonashi’s skin and mask.

Not only were the abducted Atlesians being punished for Oscar but so was the Kaonashi. Salem wasn’t even merciful to her own Grimm creations. After seeing the abuse the creature endured for his sake, this causes Oscar to warm up lightly to it.

At first he only tolerated the Kaonashi, silently hating its company. But after some time, Oscar started to chum up to it. Perhaps at this point in time, Oscar is fully merged with Ozpin so he no longer has the old wizard in his mind to guide him.

So when captured by Salem, it’s just Oscar alone mostly. Well him and the Kaonashi Grimm who Oscar tries to befriend. Even talk to it sometimes when loneliness got the better of him.

Of course it never talked back since it was a Grimm and Grimm lack the ability to speak. At least, that was the impression Oscar had until, one night after who knows how long, when he was preparing to rest and the Kaonashi was putting him to bed.

Out of his newfound courtesy toward the Kaonashi, Oscar tells it goodnight and to his surprise, it answers him; mimicking the words ‘goodnight’ in a raspy voice.

Oscar: You…you can talk?

Kaonashi: …Talk? Talk… no.

Oscar: Wait…you understand me?

Kaonashi: …Understand, yes.

Oscar: How come you’ve never spoken to me before?

Kaonashi: …Understand, yes. Talk, no….Speak…little?

Oscar: I see. I guess you don’t know a lot of words, don’t you?

Kaonashi: …A lot of words, no.

Oscar: *chuckles* Well I guess we’re going to have to change that. I’m not much of talker myself but I’ve become increasingly chatty these days. *laughs lightly* Do you have a name?

Kaonashi: …Name?

Oscar: Yeah, what do I call you?

Kaonashi: …Name, no.

Oscar: No…name?

Kaonashi: …No.

Oscar: Well, I guess that’s what I’ll call you from now on. No-Name. I think it suits you.

Imagine an exchange like that. I know the possibility of No-Name---a Kaonashi or ‘No Face’ inspired Grimm in RWBY is slim.

Nonetheless, I like it a lot. Unlike most folks who probably saw Spirited Away when they were young, I didn’t see it for the first time until a couple years back and even now, I can recall No-Face being my favourite most memorable characters from the film. He was a character that said very little but I absolutely adored him every time I saw him on screen.

If we ever got a Grimm in RWBY that pays homage to that character, I’d be floored. And should Oscar have a special connection to said Grimm, I’d be even happier. I am fully onboard with the headcanon of Oscar sharing an unlikely friendship with a Grimm especially if it’s a No-Facef from Spirted Away inspired Grimm.

While I feel like the likelihood of Oscar befriending the Alpha of the Winged Beringels is a better possibility given the call back to the Wizard of Oz; nonetheless, I’m gonna cherish my No-Face inspired Grimm who become Oscar’s Grimm buddy.

Ain’t gonna happen but…let me have this headcanon, okay.

More Pinehead Headcanons

~LittleMissSquiggles (2019)

#rwby #rwby theories #oscar pine #rwby salem #pinehead headcanons #squiggles pinehead headcanons

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byakushisakura-rp · 5 years ago

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describe your muse’s smile. //for any of them you want :3c

Choosing Remus cause I’ve been in the mood to write him lately, and he’s the easiest when it comes to Headcanons. I would have done multiple muses but my Headcanons for Remus tend to be a little long.

The way Remus smiles changes as he grows, as do the reasons why, so in order to properly describe it I feel that I have to go back to his youth.

So this got really long, like a lot longer than I expected, I tried to skim over the stuff that was in the books but there’s just so much about him that Rowling didn’t tell us.

Childhood

Remus was a brilliant child as well as happy, active, and outgoing with a wide grin and infectious laugh to match his personality. Even after the attack that made him a monster he still kept his cheery disposition, being quite content with having his mother to comfort and play with him.

As he aged the young werewolf kept his happy personality although his outward demeanor had become more subdued. Even after the most painful transformations his mother was always able to make him smile quite easily. She seemed to know what the boy needed most and was always there for him.

Upon finding out he would be able to attend hogwarts Remus was both terrified and Ecstatic. He had never imagined anyone would let him attend school. His fears were soon forgotten however as he arrived at the school. On that day he made the first friends he ever had and they made his school years the best of his life. Although they could not replace his mother they did become the sustitute that he needed while being so far from home for the first time.

Marauders era

Although they quickly became the best years of his life this was also the time when he learned to fake a smile. He didn’t want people to find out about his condition, he didn’t want to be hated.

His teen years, though difficult, were greatly enjoyable thanks to his best friends, even the days after the full moon weren’t so bad anymore as he had company while he recovered.

During his 5th year of school things got better as his friends became Animagi and for the first time in his life he was able to share the full moon with someone. During those years he didn’t scratch himself as much while he wandered with the others.

After school finished things continued to be mostly positive, it was nearly impossible for him to find a job but he kept busy by helping with the order and James helped him financially.

After the War

It wasn’t long however before things started to go downhill, before the end of the first war his mother died. It was the first time he had truly experienced loss and before he had even processed it completely Voldemort attacked Harry and he lost every friend that he ever had. It would be more than a decade before he is truly able to smile again.

The next 13 years were hell for the werewolf, he was rarely able to find work and when he did the jobs usually consisted of menial labor tasks that were far below his ability. For a few years Remus had his father to visit but after Lyall died he was truly alone and just felt lost. Through he had not been popular he had never actually been alone.

During this time he experienced his greatest fear. When the full moon was out he would go deep into the woods to avoid contact with humans but one night it didn’t work. He came across a couple of hikers and hunted them like prey, killing them before the night was up. He always remembers everything that the wolf did and no matter what he tried he couldn’t block out that night.

He was more cautious after that night and secluded himself almost completely. He never told anyone of the incident but it haunted him for the remainder of his life.

He continued to go through the motions of surviving but some days he didn’t even know why, Very little ever seemed to go right for the other until the day Dumbledore arrived at the small cottage and offered him a job. He had been stubborn at first and terrified of hurting anyone up but when Dumbledore promised him the potion he saw no other choice but to accept. He wanted so bad to be rid of this condition that he would do almost anything for even the smallest bit of relief.

Teacher

The full moon was only a day before the train ride and it weakened him even more than hunger and exhaustion already had, he didn’t have the strength to disaparate or a broom to fly so he decided to take the hogwarts express, though boarding it brought up memories that he had buried years ago with his friends.

Upon seeing the boy he knew him immediately, with his fathers hair and his mothers eyes. As their eyes met he found himself lost for a minute and he smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever, remembering the dozens of times he had awoken after a bad transformation to find those same eyes staring down at him. It might have been a sad smile but it wasn’t forced. He couldn’t say that he was exactly happy but while at Hogwarts he was at least content, he was helping his best friends son to avenge their deaths, he finally had a purpose.

Upon learning of Sirius’ innocence he couldn’t help but smile, he had his friend back, even when Sirius was on the run, as long as he was alive everything would be alright. After leaving hogwarts things went pretty much back to normal but now he was determined to live, at least long enough to see Voldemort’s end.

The Order

He had his friend back, he had harry and pretty soon he had the order too. This was when Remus starting smiling more often, these people accepted him, they made sure he had food and shelter when he needed it but best of all they made him feel useful.

The first time we see Remus truly happy is when he and Sirius are Reminiscing with Harry about his father and the pranks they used to pull in school, but after Sirius dies he breaks again. He tries to keep up the act as he holds Harry back but the tears couldn’t be stopped completely. He is alone again, or at least that’s how it felt, he didn’t think he could ever be happy again, didn’t want to.

When he met Tonks the attraction wasn’t immediate, he barely paid attention to her at first. Ever since he was a boy he hadn’t thought that he deserved love, or that anyone could be attracted to him. He wasn’t sure when it happened but all of a sudden he started looking forward to being paired with her during missions. He didn’t notice when she started getting closer to him either, never having been flirted with he was completely oblivious.

When she confessed her feelings he didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. He wanted to be happy but he was scared of getting close, he was so much older and poorer than her, it could never work. He tried to stay away from her but just kept getting more depressed as time went on.

Marriage

He wanted to love her but he didn’t know if he would be able to, not when he couldn’t even make himself smile anymore. Despite his protests she never gave up on the werewolf and eventually he relented, agreeing to go out with her.

It became a learning curve for both of them, although she had known of his condition she had never really experienced how badly it affected him. She had to learn to be patient with him and give him time to trust her.

Remus had never been in a relationship before but their love just seemed so natural that he didn’t really think much on it. It wasn’t until after his first transformation that he really started lowering his defenses. She had seen him during his worst hours and yet didn’t leave his side until right before he transformed.

He didn’t think he could ever be happier, nor would he have another chance at love. He decided to ask her to marry him after only a few short weeks. It was a small ceremony but it was still the best day of his life and he didn’t think anything could go wrong.

Fatherhood

When Tonks announced that she was pregnant Remus was initially excited but soon his fears began taking over once more. He was worried that the child would turn out to be like him and scared that he might not be able to be a good enough father.

He kept switching between elation and fear, not sure how to feel as his life was about to change. When he ran away after the thoughts became too much the unborn child still consumed his every waking moment as he thought back to his own childhood. After his argument with Harry he remembered his parents and how much they had given up for him.

Once he returned to his wife Remus devoted everything to her and began accepting the idea that he was finally going to have a family.

The happiest we ever see him is the day of his sons birth, Teddy is healthy and normal as he takes after his mother. He’s so excited when he tells everyone of the child and for once in his life every thing is as perfect as it could get.

Even in death Remus could not necessarily be unhappy, he was disappointed that he will never know his son but a better world for the boy to grow up in was worth the risk.

#This took forever #but I had a lot of fun doing it #headcanon #~the wolfs headcanon~#~headcanon of the werewolf~

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bonfire-at-the-crossroads · 5 years ago

Text

Rutger Hauer has passed, and is on his way through the stars, toward the shoulder of Orion and the Tannhauser Gate.

He gave himself to the world of film and created characters which will continue to inspire the people lucky enough to share in the dreams he left behind.

I wrote this a couple years ago - and maybe it’s time to look at it again.

Thank you Mr Hauer for leaving this place a little brighter for your having been here.

Good journey, peace at last.....

————————————————————————————————————-

January 8, 2016

It's Roy Batty's birthday.

Ridley Scott's 1982 movie - Blade Runner - cast Rutgers Hauer as the renegade Replicant in search of his maker.

The film was a brilliant adaptation of Philip K Dick's "Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?"

Roy and a small group of Nexus-6 Replicants, have stolen an off-world transport, killed the crew, and returned to earth - in an attempt to coerce their designer to extend their programmed four-year lifespan. January 8, 2016 was the day of Roy's inception, and also the day his genetic coding has scheduled him for death.

He is being hunted by Harrison Ford, as hired-gun Deckard - a Blade Runner - paid to track and kill escaped Replicants.

----------------------------------------------

In 1982 - the idea of the year 2016 was a mind-numbing distance away.

"The Future" was a place where anything was possible, and our wildest dreams would come true.

It seems like yesterday.

And yet, when I started thinking about the world I inhabited in '82, and where I've washed up on the shores of 2016 - it's been quite an extended sea voyage.

I was married to somebody else.

We walked into town to the little movie theater on Central Avenue, and as we moved to our seats, were told by the usher ( yeah, that's right - there were still ushers ) -"You shouldn't even bother with this movie. It stinks. Four people at the last show actually asked for their money back."

We loved it.

Minds were blown - and we went back two more times, bringing friends.

That Christmas Eve - I had a small stroke. I was 26.

At the time, I was more worried about how the news would affect my husband - and did not fully appreciate my own predicament. He overheard the doctor on the phone making arrangements for what was then, the only echocardiogram machine in the New York area.

"Is that about you?" He asked. I nodded.

My husband passed out cold on the waiting room floor.

I survived. Had test after test after test, and slowly got my left side back under my own control.

Time passed.

We tried for the baby - and a series of horrors led to the loss of pregnancy, and culminated with a 3:00 AM visit to the emergency room.

The husband was so upset - he left me by the hospital entrance, and drove home.

When he inevitably decided that he needed "space" and wanted to "take a break" -(clearly, his office-affair had nothing to do with this decision ) - I used the time to take a good long look at the marriage.

When he came back three months later - I was not the girl he had walked out on.

The world had changed, and so had the locks.

-------------------------------------------------

I moved into the West Village with a girlfriend. It was awkward having a roommate after having a husband, home, and mortgage - but I made it work.

An unusual boyfriend followed, and several years of actors, artists, and cabaret performers filled my days and nights.

It was Manhattan in the '80's. There were nights out spent dancing at the clubs til dawn.

The Met was open late on Friday nights, and my group of fellow oddballs wandered the museum halls every week for over a year.

Art and illustration was my livelihood. I knew everyone in the Village ( at least by sight) and was completely comfortable in my element.

But my friends got sick.

And my friends started dying.

AIDS ravaged the world.

The Village was ground zero, and everyone was terrified. We didn't know where it was coming from, didn't know how to cope with the skeletal friend, the friend covered with sarcoma blotches - was it the end of the world?

In many ways - yes. It was.

The best, brightest, most talented people on earth were dying out - and all I could do was hold hands at the bedside, and attend memorial services.

There was a three month period when I went to a service EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

My dearest friend, Bruce - I never even knew when he was well. We were fellow illustrators, and spent hours a day with phone cocked between shoulder and ear - talking while we drew in our separate studios. He was in Chelsea, I was on the corner of Perry and West Fourth.

We brought children's books to life, and loved the work.

As AIDS ravaged his body, he needed to take long naps in the afternoons. His fever would spike uncontrollably - he called it "Shake and Bakes."

He fussed over the ugly sarcoma lesions which appeared on his arms and hands - he found a theatrical makeup which he swore would cover them up so that nobody would know.

Everybody pretended that it worked.

"Well, my sweet darling angel - I took a shower this morning, and guess what? I watched all my hair go down the drain."

Some medication he was taking, combined with what may have been a chemotherapy cocktail - took every hair on his head.

He entered the shower - with.

Exited - without.

He had been told this might be a possibility, and had already purchased a wig from a professional Broadway wig-maker.

It was awful looking, but we continued to pretend.

He slipped farther away, and was hospitalized on a closed floor reserved for AIDS patients.

I visited every single day.

I brought tiny gifts, saved up stories to make him laugh - and built my day around spending time with him.

His family wouldn't come and see him. Friends did their best, but simply couldn't be with him when push had finally come down to shove.

I remember shouting at his brother on the pay phone in the hospital hallway "I can't make this better. I'm not allowed to make decisions for his care, because I'm not a family member. He is dying, and you need to be here."

He wasn't.

I held Bru's hand, and wiped his forehead. I asked the nurse to turn up his oxygen because he was struggling and begging for air. "It's as high as it will go." she said - and even though it was time for all visitors to leave, she said I could stay.

The day before, he had spent time with a priest who had given him what I now believe was last rites. He seemed comforted, and we said what needed to be said.

"You know Bru....I will ALWAYS love you."

He smiled and said. "I know. And I will always love you too."

He took his last breath a little before midnight.

I closed his eyes.

Twenty seven years have passed since that night.

-----------------------------------------------

The unusual boyfriend fell victim to his own silliness. He convinced himself that another woman was sending him messages about being attracted to him - and he needed "some space" to explore the magic.

He did.

She didn't

And I was magically single again.

As 1990 dawned - the Internet had not been invented.

The cell phone - wasn't.

Video rental stores were visited daily, and made money hand-over-fist.

Blonde, Madonna, and all that wonderful 80's music that my kids now think is divine - were the sounds of the decade.

And I didn't quite trust CD's.....

Times Square was just beginning to shed the peep shows and adult movie houses.

It was gritty, and how I loved it.

July 4th of 1990 I found myself eating in the diner downstairs from my apartment on the corner of 14th St and Seventh Avenue.

It was empty.

I ate my bluefish dinner and went back upstairs to the drawing board.

One single red rocket cleared the rooftops and the stars rained down.

I was bored.

Decided to place a personal ad in The Village Voice. "Looking for an interesting conversation over a cup of coffee....." and some other minor nonsense.

Over 350 people responded in the three days I checked the answering machine.

"I've never answered a personal ad," said the voice on the phone."I live with a grey cat. And I'm reading DUNE. Maybe you could call me, and we'll get a cup of coffee?"

On our third date, he never went back home.

"You know what? It's getting kind of silly to keep paying for an apartment to keep my cat in...."

"So what are you saying?" I asked. "Are you asking to officIally move in here?"

" Nope. Let's get married. It'll be fun. I'm not exactly getting younger - either are you. Why not?"

"It'll either work - or it won't. What's the reason that we shouldn't at least TRY?"

He talked me into it.

Brian and I were married in the Cathedral of St John the Divine, three months after our first date. Twenty five years ago, last October.

Babies happened. Three in a row. "Irish triplets" as my obstetrician called them.

Quinn.

Morgan.

Maddie.

They were (and are ) the three finest people I have ever known - and are the center of my soul.

Brian and I survived critical fulcrum points where the smallest waver would have plunged all of us into hell.

We stared death in the face - death blinked, and looked away,

more than once.

We walked away from alcoholism.

Left cigarettes behind,

Did battle with depression,

and kept walking....

We've skated on the thinnest of financial ice for YEARS.

We've worked and worked and worked some more - and it was never going to be enough to keep the ship afloat.

The kids, as we've laughed over the years have "Never missed a meal."

Nothing was easy, but our youngest will be the third to graduate from college in the Spring. Yes, there are loans to be paid - and we'll do everything we can to help them gain traction in their lives.

About a year and a half ago we took a good hard look at where the road was leading us. Our ability to maintain the income necessary to support our lives in Westchester county, in a big house with a big mortgage - huge utility bills, and a dwindling job market - we came up with a plan.

The bank was unhappy with our syncopated mortgage payment schedule - and really wanted their house back. Things were sliding downhill, and we simply couldn't stop it.

"Let's take the money from my last free-lance job, and buy a house in Ireland."

Found one.

And did.

Sold the house in Westchester.

Packed up everything we could.

Got on the plane.

And here we are.

January 8th, 2016, and it's 1982 all over again.

The Replicant is out of time.

He sits high on the rooftops above the city, rain is pouring from the black skies - and Roy Batty,- in his last moment of life - knows what it is to be fully human.

"I've seen things, you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

We all go through the motions. We get out of bed every day, and do our best to keep our lives and our families moving forward.

We work.

And plan.

And strive for happiness.

I'm no Roy - but I too, have seen things that will pass away with me when I go.

I, too, have learned what it is to be fully, and completely - human.

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