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waynedunlaptheorgandonor · 3 years ago

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watched s11ep1

i will provide you with a quick review before i disappear back into the ether of twd avoidance

lots of spoilers under the cut. also i wrote way too much and i worked all night and haven’t slept so i didn’t bother to reread literally any of it, so it might be completely nonsensical, tho if you don’t expect that from me by this point idk whose blog you’ve been reading

enjoy:

hokay, first off, i’ll start by saying that i enjoyed it more than i expected to. i’ve been avoiding any sort of discussion about stuff, but my google algorithm is so fucked at this point that i still get recommended articles and stuff every now and then, so i was already pretty aware of what i was walking into, and was expecting it to be eh, but actually i prob enjoyed it more than i enjoyed the finale

(don’t get too excited tho, the finale was rly boring lmfao)

anyway

episode starts off with a tense scouting mission

it takes .005 seconds into the episode for caryl to exchange a look of longing, establishing that they are still having weird conflict and are both too fucking stubborn to do anything about it even tho they hate it desperately

i imagine that will continue for a while

rosita, kelly, carol, maggie, what’s her face with the bad hair, and lydia (i think that’s everyone?) lower down to some army bunker or something, where a bunch of walkers are taking a snooze, and the girls are very respectful of walker naptime, and do their best not to wake them up

obviously they eventually wake up, but i’ll get to that in a sec

as they’re tiptoeing through the walker tulips, there’s this split second where carol spots a machine gun, and looks at maggie with a face like, “can i plzzzz, i am mad horny for that machine gun,” but maggie tells her no. (i 110% expected her to defy orders and accidentally wake up all the walkers, but she actually behaved herself for once. well. mostly)

never fear, tho, after the girl gang collects a bunch of MREs they go back to wait for the dudes waiting up top to pull them up, and bc men ruin everything, one of the ropes break, and daryl catches it before it falls, but then a slow motion drop of blood falls on a walker’s face, and just like that, walker naptime is over, and carol uses her bow and arrow for two seconds before she is like “fuck this” and whips out the machine gun

yes, she is super hot using it

yes, daryl watches her do it

anyway, all the other girls get rescued, and carol is about to be pulled up, but bc she is a #girlboss, she first makes a beeline for one more crate full of MREs. daryl covers her while she gets the loot, and when she gets back up top they have another charged moment as carol hands him back his knife

just fuck already, jfc

titles!

cut to alexandria where everything is still not smilestimes

BUT, we do get to see uncle daryl run and hug rj and judith (and dog), and FUCKING HERSHEL JR, LIGHT OF MY LIFE is also there

istg, they could not have casted a better child, i a d o r e him

oh, and some friends of maggie’s show up too, idk

cut to a staff meeting where everyone is like, whomp whomp, we’re all gonna starve to death unless we figure out something quick

cue maggie going, “oh, i know where food is, but it requires me to tell you my tragic backstory, in case anyone didn’t watch my bottle episode”

she tells her dramatic backstory about all her friends getting slaughtered by the reapers for no apparent reason, and then she’s like “anyway, let’s go back there!”

no one thinks it’s a great idea, but a group of people decide to go anyway, including daryl and gabriel. rosita is super pissed that gabriel is going, and carol doesn’t go, probably partly bc it’s a shitty fucking idea, and also bc they have to keep caryl apart bc otherwise they’ll fix their problems ahead of schedule and they won’t be able to drag out the needless angst

daryl looks kind of annoyed that carol doesn’t volunteer to go

bitch, i thought you wanted her to stop putting herself in the line of fire! make up your damn mind!

moving on

cut to a thunderstorm, where, if you look closely, you’ll notice daryl is wearing the STUPIDEST hat i’ve ever seen. just get an umbrella, jfc

for some reason negan is with them, bc ig he knows his way around washington dc, and no one in six years has bothered to figure out how to get around the city and/or get a map, and he is like “hey guys, maybe we shouldn’t try to walk in this fucking hurricane,” and everyone is like “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!”

this will be a common occurrence

but eventually daryl is even like “actually, it’s rly unpleasant out here, and my hat is mad stupid, can we go inside plz?”

so they go inside an old metro station, which is actually a rly cool cinematic choice. i rly like the idea, and they executed it rly well

speaking of executions

there are some fucking RULL CREEPY walkers. idk why they bothered me so badly, but they were what they at first assumed were corpses wrapped up in tarps, but turns out none of them had been properly put down, so they go through killing these rotted bodies that had supposedly been there since The Fall, and it’s very gross and cool

this entire time, btw, negan is like “hey, i know i’m a shitty person, but i have some rational arguments about why we shouldn’t be doing this right now,” and everyone is like, “FUCK YOU NEGAN, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!” and he’s just like “god fucking damnit”

(i forgot to mention that at one point, when they’re headed into the metro station, negan is trying to warn ppl of the potential danger, and everyone is ignoring him, and he tries to talk to daryl, and daryl is like “fuck you, you think we’re BUDDIES?” and negan is like “oh, ok, so you’re gonna be like that too? fanfreakingtastic” and it’s very funny)

anyway. a fat monster zombie escapes its tarp at one point, and tries to eat some npc, and negan saves him, again is like “hey, anyone else realize that this is a FUCKING BAD PLAN?”, and everyone is like “we don’t care, you’re still shitty and we’re not listening to you, and you don’t actually care about random npc i would literally not be able to pick out in a lineup bc his face is so generic, you’re not the boss of us!!!”

it’s at this point that negan finally is like, “why am i even here? bc i know how to get around washington dc? do none of you have a map?” and i was like, “right?! that’s what i said!”

it’s then revealed that maggie only brought negan along to murder him under the guise of “oops, he got hurt in the line of duty, it wasn’t my fault,” and daryl has this look on his face that says, “i seriously need to stop hanging out with lethal women bent on revenge bc it’s gonna give me high blood pressure,” and maggie has a badass moment where she points a gun she has for some reason at negan and is like “i have like, one shred of human compassion left inside of me, and if you keep pushing me i will fucking kill you without a second thought, so shut the hell up”

(in her defense, negan had just dropped glenn’s name to purposely antagonize her, which was rude as hell)

(for the record, i’m completely on maggie’s side here, but negan still is right that trapping themselves in a metro station is a bad call)

anyway, moving away from that briefly

i think this jump cut happens sooner, i don’t actually remember, but whatever who cares, point is, we get to the part of the show that actually matters, and that’s anything involving my love, juanita “princess” sanchez

and also eugene, yumiko, and ezekiel

they are being asked increasingly invasive questions by commonwealth ppl, some of which i wish they actually would of answered (what do they use to wipe their asses with?? surely toilet paper has long since become extinct)

zeke, who is so much more tolerable as a character now that he’s not larping as a king, has this incredibly weird and sort of sexually charged moment with a dude in an orange stormtrooper costume, where he’s like, “i bet you were an asshole cop back before The Fall, you stupid fascist, #fuckthepolice, mb literally? idk, this moment has a lot of pent up aggression that could easily translate to hate sex, it might just be the intense eye contact, but w/e, let’s just move along,” and then he has a coughing fit to remind the audience that he’s currently dying of cancer, and orange stormtrooper is like “lolz, loser, drink some water you dumb piece of shit”

cut to the wholesome foursome sitting at a picnic table in a guarded courtyard eating gruel, and yumkio, who finally has a personality, and princess are like “hey, this place fucking sucks, can we leave?” and zeke is like, “yeah, i met this orange stormtrooper who i think might be dtf and/or murder, so we should probably bounce”

but eugene is like, “but i want some hot stephanie ass, and also some bullshit excuse about how mb commonewealth will save alexandria” which, they left before things went super downhill, right? idr. it was after hilltop fell, but they don’t know alexandria got fucked either, if i recall? w/e, not important

two seconds after he says this, they talk to some people who are like “we’ve been here for four months, or maybe it’s been nine, i don’t actually remember, i’ve stopped processing the passage of time,” and the wholesome foursome takes this as a bad sign, tho that’s just the life i’ve lived as a night worker during a pandemic, so i was like #mood

but then they watch some guy get dragged away screaming to get “reprocessed” and eugene is like “ok, nvm, let’s bounce”

(my theory on what “reprocessing” is, is that they’re stuck in a room and have to watch hours and hours of customer service training videos on vhs from the 90s)

i definitely got my jump cut scenes mixed up bc i think the negan accusing maggie of a murder plot thing happened in between this scene and then the next commonwealth scene, but w/e, i’ll just finish what happens in the commonwealth arch

the wholesome foursome are trying to hatch a plan to escape, except princess, my love, is distracted watching some stormtroopers flirt, and the other three are like “wtf, dude, how can you even tell any of them apart?” and princess then tells them every stormtroopers backstory bc she is brilliant and pays rly close attention to shit, and the other three are like, “this is useful information, thank you for being an insane person”

their plan involves yumiko and eugene dressing up as stormtroopers and leading princess and zeke out of the place, which works fine actually, except on their way out they come across the Depressing Wall of Probably Mostly Dead Missing Loved Ones

they’re about to leave, when princess is like, “wait, yumiko, you’re on here, that’s weird huh?”

sure enough, yumiko is on the wall, with a note from ig her sister

the scene ends with yumiko going, “guys...i can’t leave...i have tragic backstory to unveil”

tragic backstory to be continued ig

back in murder metro town, npc and some other npc have stolen all the supplies, there’s a train blocking the track, and a horde of walkers are coming towards them, so things are not going fantastic

they horde is too big to take down, so they start to climb on top of the train car to get away

but dog runs away!

and daryl, being every pet owner ever, is like “gotta go get my dog, guys, try not to get killed while i’m gone, c u soon!” and he ducks under the train and disappears

#priorities

the episode ends with maggie climbing up the train car but getting grabbed by a walker and dangling off the edge, and negan is there and they have a lion king moment where maggie is like, “scar! help me!” and negan is like “long live the king, bitch” and walks away into the shadows, leaving maggie to a potential death

which, while i know isn’t actually going to happen, would be a really fucking funny move on the writers’ part

like, “look, lauren’s back! and now she’s dead, bet you didn’t expect that!”

anyway

my assumption is negan will actually end up helping her up or something, continuing his ambiguous morality bullshit that actually isn’t ambiguous bc he BEAT GLENN TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING BAT WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE IN FRONT OF HIS PREGNANT WIFE

the maggie/negan arch is kind of dumb, but whatevs, i’ll tolerate it, as long as my boy glenn gets justice in the end

anyway, cue credits!

final assessment: good episode. i’m much more interested in commonwealth than the reapers, tho i am hoping that daryl’s personality-less ex turns out to be a monster killing machine with no conscience, that’ll be fun. princess is a gift from god. hershel jr needs his own tv show. needs more carol (and caryl)

the end! going back into my walking dead free chamber! see you next episode!

-diz

#i didn't mean to recap the entire fucking episode lol #sorry #it's to make up for my lack of content lately #or something #anyway #caryl #twd s11ep1 #twd s11 spoilers #dunlap tp

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thebestpersonherelovesbucky · 4 years ago

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Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Ep. 2 Takeaways

I’m sorry but the modernized “Star-Spangled Man with a Plan” tune was catchy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

John Walker...”I have guts like he did” yeah, he had a lot more than guts, kid. I believe he has good intentions (like his comic counterpart) but...I think he’s in it for the glory as well whereas Steve would have done everything he did with zero recognition. What’s the saying about the road to Hell and good intentions? Yeah. That.

Bucky watching the Good Morning America interview. I could feel how badly he wanted to punch him through the screen. ((my youngest daughter, when they announced him as the new Cap goes “Boo. That’s stupid. No one should like you 😂😂😂))

“You think it didn’t break my heart to see them marching him out there and call him the new Captain America?” “You’re not gonna tell me about my rights.” Literally everything about Sam in this scene killed me. And that was nothing compared to what happened later.

Joaquin Torres.

Bucky literally screaming when he jumped from the plane OMG.

The fact that Sam and Bucky antagonize each other but also make one hell of a team. They’re still getting used to one another and dealing with their own shit and figuring things out. Totally signs of how perfect they are for each other and the kind of relationship they will have by the end of this.

When John Walker joined the fight on the trucks and introduced himself to Sam as Captain America, I honestly wanted to hurl. Like...jfc.

Oh, and can I just point out that they’ve been playing Sam’s theme throughout and I fucking LOVE it.

Um...Sam and Bucky rolling through a field and ending up on top of one another? Thank you.

Sam and Bucky using each others names. Idk why this makes me so happy but I love hearing characters use other characters’ names.

How they totally ignored JW pulling up in a jeep.

“Just cause you carry that shield doesn’t make you Captain America.”

“You ever jump on top of a grenade?” JW’s answer, too, and the fact that he has no idea what Bucky means and that Steve’s jump was an entirely different thing.

“It’d be a whole lot easier if I had Cap’s wingman on my side.” Fucking eh, dude. You don’t get it. You just don’t get it. He is NOT Cap’s wingman. First of all, Sam Wilson was a hero before joining the Avengers. Even with the Avengers and as Cap’s friend he was his own superhero. And then he’s the man that Steve Rogers trusted to hand the shield and mantel over to. No, Mr. Walker, Samuel Thomas Wilson is a lot more than “Cap’s wingman.”

The villains. I’m super intrigued by their mission and why the think how/what they do. Also, who the fuck was texting her???

Sam and Bucky on the plane together. The real shit. Bucky wanting so badly to just get out there and make this right by taking the shield back. Sam obv wanting to do the same but thinking logically. Also the mention of Sharon. HELL YEAH.

“Are you Black kid?” Yo, the look on that kid’s face!!

Isiah FUCKING Bradley. Holy SHIT i was not ready for that. I didn’t even know there were rumors about him being in it and I just...omg. No changing of his background. The bullshit the US gov’t put him through. Experimenting on Black men in the army and then completely discarded by those who did it to him. Basically left to rot after he was a legit hero. All of that justified rage. And, of course, the possibility of the young man there being Elijah Bradley and more hints at Young Avengers. God, this scene was so powerful.

Speaking of powerful scenes, the immediate scene when the fucking police pull up on Sam and Bucky, immediately thinking Sam is harassing Bucky and would have arrested him for no reason other than being Black if not for Bucky intervening. All of this right after the scene with Isiah? All of this with Sam absorbing what he just found out? All of this hanging over Sam’s head while a poster white boy is running around calling himself the new Cap?

Couples Therapy. A Plus.

“Then maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, maybe he was wrong about me.” “Maybe this is something that your or Steve can never understand. But can you at least accept that I did what I thought was right?” So this scene is just all sorts of heartbreaking. Right on the surface is Bucky’s pain, obviously. He’s questioning himself and his hopes to be better. He’s worried that Steve was wrong about him and that there’s no chance for him. And at the same time, he’s literally staring his own white privilege in the face and has no idea how much Sam is hurting because of it. This comes just hours after their interaction with Isiah and Sam almost being arrested for being Black. Of course, Sam wanted to do what Steve asked of him. But carrying the shield means something entirely different for him and the world he’d be representing. It’s not the same as it was for Steve or would be for Bucky or is for John. The burden would be entirely different and Isiah Bradley is a living testament to what happens to our Black heroes. If this has gone over your head, I just. ((so many kudos to Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan for their talent. I don’t even have words for how great they are))

I love the emotional turmoil. The “and never see each other again” that’s obviously just coming from a place of hurt and anger in both of them. The foreshadowing that these two are going to find a good place within each other is right there. Even by the end, when their emotions are simmering down some, they find a more neutral ground again. I love that and look forward to seeing the relationship progress.

“Stay the hell out of my way.” How bout go fuck yourself.

And, I mean, of COURSE, the end with Zemo.

#sam wilson #bucky barnes #anthony mackie #sebastian stan #falcon and the winter soldier #fws spoilers #john walker #captain america #isiah bradley #marvel #mcu #disney plus #marvel shows #long post #my stuff

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angrylizardjacket · 4 years ago

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wishful drinking // Charlotte&Lola

Summary: After Charlotte, Peach, and Eileen go missing, everyone else believes they're dead. Everyone but Lola and Tommy. It's difficult to cope and hope at the same time, and sometimes it even reopens old wounds.

A/N: Wow a song fic, christ. Loosely based on Wishful Drinking by Tessa Violet which just gives me so many emotions about Lola. Ido believe this is the single angstiest thing I've ever written on this blog. @misscharlottelee @peachonscreen I'm so very sorry this is so sad and dark jfc. WARNINGS: Focuses on alcohol addiction as a coping mechanism, there is a funeral, acute references to Lola's childhood trauma, a panic attack, and heroin use right at the end there, and there is some very mild implied suicidal ideation

----

separate me from the rest of the herd so I can run away from all of my hurt oh

drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don't wanna end I'm afraid

I'm dangerous

Everyone keeps saying they're dead, but there's no proof so how can they sound so certain?

Lola's already halfway through a bottle of rum, as Charlotte's parents scowl their way through a list of rules that sound more like demands, of what the band is and isn't allowed to do at Charlotte's funeral. For which their is no body. Lola rolls her eyes and takes another drink.

This is the second speech like this that they've had to sit through this week, since Peach and Eileen's parents seemed equally sceptical of the band's ability to behave appropriately at their daughters' funeral. Which was a farce with no bodies. Lola takes another drink and squeezes her eyes shut.

Nikki's got a hand on her thigh, and Tommy's got an arm around her, the three of them squeezed onto a sofa probably built for two.

Nikki was fucked up out of his mind on more drugs than Lola had ever known him to take. Losing Charlotte had broken something inside of him, and when Lola had told him that she and the other girls had gone missing, he'd sworn until his voice was hoarse, crying more genuinely than she'd ever seen him do before. He was terrified of being lucid, of remembering his reality and reacting like that again.

"I wasn't... I was never in love with Charlie, but I really did love her, you know, like I love Tommy; he's like my brother, but she... she was good for us. Better than any of us ever deserved."

Lola takes another drink.

Tommy's lucid and full of rage, two cans of beer and a line of coke before lunch is all he takes now since she's gone, high off anger, demanding people find her, reading maps, triangulating where she could possibly have gotten lost, trying to put together search parties. He, like Lola, won't believe she's gone until he knows for certain, but unlike Lola, he won't take 'her plane disappeared in the mountains of another country, there's nothing we can really do, I'm so sorry' as an answer.

He holds Lola tighter when Charlotte's parents level a teary-eyed glare at him and spit that he's not allowed to start spouting his conspiracy bullshit about her still being alive, at the funeral. He squeezes his eyes shut and turns, pressing his face into Lola's hair and heaving an irritated sigh.

"I know," Lola mumbles back, words spilling into each other. Tommy's breathing is deep and level in a way that's completely controlled, like he's working on subduing his feelings. Nikki gives Lola's thigh a squeeze, but she's not quite sure if he meant to, it could have been a hand twitch. Lola leans against Tommy just a little more, "I know."

She takes another drink.

None of them are allowed to make a speech; Charlotte's mother and Tommy's sister will both be reading eulogies, but if any of the band speaks up, they will be removed from the ceremony.

"What about Razzle?" Vince is the one to speak up, and Lola's breath catches in her throat.

"Nicholas..." Charlotte's mother finally softens her tone, and casts a look to her father, a silent question.

"Nicholas will do his best to prepare an address, but has also told us that he will decide on the day if he will be able to present it," its the fairest thing they've said all day. Their sensitivity to Razzle and his situation keeps Lola from hurling her bottle at them; if they'd shit-talked Charlotte's grieving fiance, she'd have no qualms beating up her missing friend's parents there and then. Instead, all Lola can picture is Razzle, overwhelmingly upset to the point that he can't even bring himself to read a eulogy at his fiance's sham of a funeral.

As much as Lola believes its a sham, she won't push that on Razzle, either way, Charlotte's not here; it hurts like a fresh wound, she can't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling if he really believes she's gone for good.

Lola's bottle is emptying quickly.

"Is Penny okay?" Vince asks, voice soft and concerned for the missing woman's two-year-old daughter.

"She's with Nicholas," Charlotte's mother says, but tears well in her eyes and the words catch in her throat. Charlotte's father puts his arm around her, drawing her in close.

"She keeps asking for Charlotte," his voice cracks, "and... and none of us know what to tell her."

weave a story so I don't have to talk, no, it's not a problem if I never get caught oh

drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don't wanna end I'm afraid

I'm dangerous

Charlotte would either be right furious, or annoyingly understanding, about the fact that Lola is wine drunk and trying to act sober at her funeral. But if Charlotte has a problem with Lola's behaviour at her sham funeral, she should come home and tell Lola herself.

The only people who Lola isn't glowering at are Razzle and Penny. Razzle's in the quietest outfit she's ever seen him in, all black, not a hint of flair or personality, and Penny's been put in a little, frilly black dress, with a black headband which she has thrown on the ground, since she's in the middle of a screaming fit.

Razzle is desperately trying to hold himself together while Penny demands to see her mother at the top of her lungs. Tommy, for all he loathes the pageantry of this funeral, feeling as though it's being put on to make Charlotte's extended friends and family feel less guilty about giving up the search for her, has nothing but kindness and gentle understanding for the man he considered to practically be his brother-in-law.

Kneeling in front of where Razzle's bouncing Penny on his knee, Tommy lays a gentle hand on his other knee, and when Razzle looks to him, as if startled out of focusing entirely on his daughter, there's tears in his eyes. He can't even form words, mouth opening and closing like a fish, but he quickly stills moving Penny, who tries to throw herself on him, her little fists beating his hands insistently, somehow getting louder with her demands.

"I miss mommy! I want mommy!"

Tommy quickly scoops Penny from her father's hands, and Razzle doesn't stop him, just looks on with a painfully helpless expression, like he's not sure what to do with himself now. Tommy chatters away to Penny, hugging her as he takes her to walk around in the sunshine, away from the other guests, and Razzle's lip trembles as his eyes refuse to focus on anything but the beautiful picture of Charlotte her parents chose to display for the event.

Right as he bursts into tears, Lola slides into the seat beside him. No words pass between them, but she wraps him up in a hug, and he holds her tight in response, nails digging into her, apologies babbles almost incoherently, and Lola feels a wave of guilt sweep through her.

The night she'd found out Charlotte had gone missing, she'd gone to Razzle's hotel in tears, full of fury, looking for answers, for anything, knowing only that he and Charlotte had fought right before Charlotte, Peach, and Eileen had taken the spontaneous flight on which they had gone missing. She'd blamed him, at the time, for Charlotte leaving. She'd blamed him, at the time, for Charlotte going missing.

Lola whispers apologies back as best she can in her quietly drunken state, rubbing his back, wishing she'd thought to being her flask; maybe it would have helped ease some of his pain, she knew it definitely would have eased some of hers.

She can't find the words to tell him that she knows its not his fault, not before Tommy comes back right before the ceremony starts, and sits himself on Razzle's other side, Penny quiet in his arms.

When Razzle turns to see his daughter, he sees her reach out with both her arms, asking for a hug. Razzle holds her close, holds her tight, and looks to Tommy with question in his eyes.

"Told her that it was like when you went back to Finland to make music, but a bit longer."

"Momma was sad," Penny's little voice was muffled against Razzle as she refused to let go of her father. Tommy nodded sagely, and Razzle's lip trembled.

"Charlie needed a lot of hugs from Pennylope while you were away; told Penny that you'd need a lot of hugs too, now." Tommy's voice was quiet, his tone gentle like he was still explaining to Penny, and Razzle pulled his daughter back a little, giving her as much of a smile as he could muster.

"You're too good to me, Pennylope; I do need a lot of hugs," and he holds her close again, taking a deep, shake breath, "I'm never gonna let you go."

oh, wishful drinking

tell myself that I'm not thinking bout how I could drown

drown drown drown

wishful drinking

Perhaps part of the reason why Lola can't believe Charlotte's really dead is the fact that Lola had kind of always assumed Charlotte would outlive her. Its morbid, but its not ab inherently false assumption to make, considering Lola drinks probably more spirits than water and gets into fights for fun. Statistically, she should already be dead. So why was she at a funeral for Charlotte.

She finishes her glass of wine and reminds herself firmly that the funeral's a sham.

She can't actually remember how she got to the bar of the hotel that she and Nikki we're staying at in Charlotte and Tommy's home town, but a majority of the people from the funeral were there, to drink and pay their final respects, so Lola assumes one of them had brought her.

She sits at the bar and orders drinks in rapid succession, while Tommy mulls over the same glass of JD for half an hour beside her while chain-smoking and people watching. It feels like they're the only two on the same page, knowing intrinsically that Charlotte's still out there any everyone who refuses to believe that is betraying her.

"Why her?" Lola mumbles into her drink.

"She's not dead, don't you start talking like she is, too," Tommy frowns into his glass. Lola finishes her drink and pushes it out of the way as she rests her arms on the bar, and her head on her arms, looking at Tommy with a strangely blank expression.

"I know, but she's still not here; why any of them? None of them deserve it, deserve to be missing, deserve to have people stop caring about looking for them," Lola's brow creased into the barest frown, "but if people knew that they weren't gone and were just missing, just needed to be found, they'd know they still need the girls," and she gives a forlorn sigh, "they don't deserve this, people still need them."

Behind her, Tommy sees where all of Hanoi Rocks has crowded into a booth with Razzle to keep him company, doing their best to cheer him, to comfort him, each of them taking it in turn to entertain Penny, who was overjoyed at seeing her band-uncles again. The picture looked incomplete without Charlotte.

"Why them?" Lola said softly, sitting back up and ordering another drink, and Tommy hears what she really means this time, the way she implies 'it should have been me'.

go ahead and stop your thinking now

and throw it down

down down down

wishful drinking now

Lola develops a new game over the following weeks, where every time someone mentions Charlotte, she takes a shot. Or four.

Nikki's getting back to normal faster than Lola is, just says that Charlie wouldn't want to see them moping around.

Vince and Mick, still shaken by the loss of Peach and Eileen respectively, agree.

Tommy's still looking for ways to try and find them in his spare time, but focuses on the band so Charlotte will be able to come back and be proud; something about his reasoning makes bile rise in the back of Lola's throat for reasons she can't quite put her finger on.

Lola drinks, because she's come to realise she's useless. She doesn't have the actual band resources to put into helping find the girls, and Doc only keeps her on the payroll because the band won't let him fire her, he doesn't need an assistant.

The only person she would felt safe talking about all of this to was missing.

So Lola drinks.

What else is there to do?

hide your demons where no one can see em, outta sight but in your mind you believe em

drink what you want, be what they want, say what they want you to say like I can pretend that I don't wanna end I'm afraid

I'm dangerous

Lola knows now why Tommy's desperate playing to make sure Charlotte's happy upon her return makes Lola feel sick.

He kept mentioning it, kept asking whether the others thought their new album would be as good as their old stuff, the stuff Charlotte liked, and Nikki had snapped, fed up.

Lola had been in the kitchen when he'd started yelling that she wasn't coming back, and when Tommy hollered that he was an asshole at the top of his lungs.

"If she was alive, she'd be here! But she's fucking not!" Nikki's words rung through the air and were met with stunned silence, "you know why she's not here?" He hissed venomously, and Lola drops the glass she'd been holding, recognising that tone from almost a decade ago.

Nikki, in the present, snaps that its because Charlotte's gone for good, but Lola doesn't hear that. Lola hears her mother.

Lola hears that her father's never coming back because she's a disappointment, because shes not good enough, or kind enough, or talented enough.

The wrong wires connect in Lola's brain in a way that's all too familiar, in a way that makes her scars ache and tears well in her eyes.

And in another moment its gone, and Lola sees the shards on the ground and knows that Charlotte would hate a dirty kitchen. She sweeps them up.

Later, Tommy will find her, and before he can even open his mouth, she's holding his face in her hands, reassuring him that Charlotte would love their new music. His expression brightens, and he kisses her in thanks; something eases in Lola's chest.

No matter where Charlotte is, Lola will never let Tommy believe what was beaten into her for years, she'll never let him believe that he is the reason Charlotte's not here. Nobody deserves to believe that... And yet a voice in the back of Lola's mind tells her she has to do better, for Charlotte.

The voice sounds like her mother's.

do you think do you think that they notice

I keep a bottle by my bed it's the focus

drink what I want, be what I want, say what you want me to say like I can pretend that I don't wanna end I'm afraid

I'm dangerous

After a while, Doc stops praising Lola for showing up to the studio on time and sober - she's absolutely not sober, but she's also not had enough to drink for it to effect her composure. When he stops praising her, she worries that he knows she's always a little buzzed, and then she gets annoyed, thinking that he's just an asshole. It takes her a full week to realise that it's neither, in fact, its just that she's been doing it consistently enough that he's come to expect it of her.

People note her improved work ethic, compliment her even, and its nice, and she knows that if Charlotte were here that she'd be saying nice things right along side everyone else.

Nikki had been right, Charlotte wouldn't want to mope around, so Lola had to actually do well so when Charlotte came back, she could prove that she hadn't been moping.

Sometimes that voice in the back of her mind gets harsh, tells her she's not doing enough, but Lola reminds that voice that Charlotte would roll her eyes at Lola's antics, but she'd somehow always be understanding in the end. Lola didn't need to be perfect, she just needed to be better.

And she was!

She takes a shot to quiet the voice down in those moments anyways, just for good measure.

No-one seems to notice if she's four shots in before noon, one more won't hurt.

this is not a problem if I don't want it to stop

can't call it a problem if I never let a plate drop

this is not a problem if convincing that it's not

don't call it a problem it's the only thing that I still got

Nikki is spiralling into his heroin addiction of his own accord, but Lola knows Charlotte would think they're both better than that; Lola won't be able to convince Nikki, but she can keep herself away from it.

Her job's going well, and she and Tommy are still close, and she is allowed to babysit Penny on nights when Vince takes Razzle out partying. Its trust earned, that she never would have been able to earn if she hadn't been trying to do good for when Charlotte gets back.

But the world goes to hell in a single night.

What the fuck are they meant to tell Penny?

Her dad is dead.

Another thing Charlotte can't come back to.

Turns out they don't have to be the ones to tell Penny; Razzle's parents come to pick up her and their son's body, and though Tommy begs for them not to take her, they're terrified of her ending up just like her parents -

"Charlotte's not dead -"

"Wake up, Thomas, you're putting false hope into this girl's head, it'll ruin her mind if you don't let her live in reality!" Razzle's mother spits, while his father has already taken Penny out to the car to take her to the airport.

Tommy's in tears when he calls Lola.

The pair of them are devastated.

Why would Charlotte come back here if Penny and Razzle weren't here? The only person she'd loved more than Razzle was Penny, and now they were both -

"Lo, what's the point?"

"The point?"

"Of being all good and shit, for Charlie?"

"What do you mean?"

"She's not gonna come back to us," Tommy sighed, sniffling, "she's out there, but she'd go to Penny before any of us, and now..."

"Please don't say that," Lola's voice trembled, her heart beating in an erratic staccato in her chest.

"There's nothing worth coming back here for -"

Lola drops the receiver, curling in on herself, shaking all over as his words play over and over and over in her mind while all she can think about is the fact that yet again, she's not enough for someone she loved and felt safe with.

She's gasping for air, chest tight and tears stinging her eyes, heart beating in her ears while she's shaking like a leaf, in the full throes of a panic attack.

It takes her a long while to calm down, to ground herself in the feel of the carpet beneath her and the sound of the ocean outside, and the cars and the wind and the smell of the sea.

The first thing she does after she stands, is to get a drink, and then another, and then another, then to take the bottle into the bedroom, in to Nikki.

"Babe -?" He sees her red rimmed eyes first as she jostles him awake, and he wants to ask questions.

"I need something to get me out of my fucking mind, please, anything," she begs, lip trembling as she tries to focus on Nikki and not Tommy's words on loop in her mind.

"You sure?"

"Anything, the world is a fucking nightmare, and nothing fucking matters," and Nikki leans over to his nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling out a kit Lola knew was his heroin kit. Now it didn't seem like a bad choice.

"Is this about Razz?" Nikki asks, making quick work of preparing the drug for her. Lola swallows hard, and sits on the bed.

"Neither of them fucking deserved it," and Nikki knows immediately that she's referring to both Charlotte and Razzle, and he pauses, "the world needs people like them."

The room is very quiet for the few moments where Nikki cooks the powder to a liquid, pulling it up into his syringe. He instructs Lola on how to tie off her arm, and carefully injects her after double checking that its what she wanted.

As the tie around her arm is loosened, and the drug hits, Lola laughs, but there's no humour in it, her head tipping back, bottle still clutched firmly in her other hand.

"Its a fucking joke that the world is stuck with people like me."

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #nikki sixx x oc #tommy lee x oc #tommy lee imagine #nikki sixx imagine #motley crue #the dirt #the dirt imagine #motley crue imagine #charlotte & lola #lola&charlotte #the angry lizard writes #drug use tw #drugs tw #alcoholism tw #alcohol tw #suicidal ideation tw

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supernaturalfreewill · 5 years ago

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Words: 4,686 Demon!Dean x Reader Warnings: Swearing? There MIGHT be some naughtiness. Maybe. Maybe not. A/N: About goddamn time, right? Jfc. I'm the worst! This is part of a series! Read the other parts first! Part 1 :: Part 2 :: Part 3 :: Part 4 :: Part 5.

You couldn’t help letting out a surprised laugh. “What, you’re stealing my bit now?” you asked him, trying to keep your tone unconcerned. “You know, the sudden and mysterious appearing is supposed to be my thing.” You turned on your bar stool and faced him.

His green eyes were surveying you. “I had a very interesting conversation with Sam, Cas, and Crowley recently,” he said, casually sitting down next to you and flagging down the bartender for a beer.

You let out another careless laugh. “God, Crowley is still around? I really thought Sam and Cas would have skewered him by now.” You kept your eyes toward the shelves of liquor behind the bar now but you could feel Dean’s on you.

Dean ignored you and forged ahead. “They told me somethin’. Something about you.”

You drained the rest of your beer, pulled a wad of cash out of your pocket, and tossed a generous amount down on the bar. “Look, I can see what you’re doing here, trying to be all vague and intriguing but there’s one important thing you forgot,” you said.

“And what is that?”

You looked him squarely in the face. “I really don’t give a shit.” You strode to the exit and headed down the block toward the shitty motel you had been using as home base, trying to shake off how strangely intense seeing Dean so suddenly was. You wondered if he had felt that way when you surprised him. It was like someone jerked on a knot you didn’t know you had deep in your chest. You were throwing all your gear back into your duffel bag, grabbing your jeans off the floor, tossing in your knife, when the hotel room door burst open. The silhouette was instantly recognizable.

”What the fuck are you doing?” you barked. “I shouldn’t need to spell this out for you again, Winchester.”

“‘Dean,’” he said seriously, pacing toward you.

”What?”

“You never call me ‘Winchester.’ You call me ‘Dean.’”

He was only a few feet from you now. The humid outside air was streaming in through the open door, making the atmosphere in the room suddenly feel thick and heavy. “I thought I made myself pretty clear during our last little rendezvous, but your skull is apparently thicker than even I estimated.”

“Then why haven’t you killed me yet?” he challenged you.

“I don’t think you want to,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. His voice was low and for some reason, perhaps because of the unacknowledged truth behind his words, it sent a shiver running up your spine.

You could feel your breathing and pulse quicken but you rolled your eyes and simply reached for your duffel bag. But Dean’s hand closed around your arm.

Your eyes shot up to meet his. “Let go of me,” you said dangerously.

He didn’t move. He was extremely close to you now, and his hand clasped onto your arm felt white hot.

”I mean it, Dean. I’m not asking.”

He studied you fervently, his green eyes narrowed and burning into yours. “You’re running,” he said.

”I don’t have to run from anything.” You yanked your arm away from him.

”Then why are you?”

”Fuck you. You don’t know anything about me! You think because you’ve been tailing me all over the country like a lost puppy that you have me figured out?”

Dean’s breathing was hurried now too. “I know enough,” he said. “I know what you’ve been doing and now I think I know why. I also know that despite the rumors flying around you aren’t the least bit interested in taking over Hell. But I’m not about to tell Crowley that.”

He had your attention.

“You’re running because you’re angry. And afraid,” he said.

You let out an audible scoff. You blinked and your eyes went black. “What could possibly be scaring me? You of all people should know what this feels like.”

Dean nodded. “I do know. That’s the point.”

You started to turn away. “You’re wasting my time. If you know what I’ve been doing, which I don’t doubt because of the aforementioned trailing me all over Creation, then you know I have an endless line of targets.”

Dean chuckled to himself and your eyes flitted over to him involuntarily. “You really are the worst demon,” he said. There was an annoying boyish smirk on his face. You felt a swell of anger rise like a rogue wave in your chest.

”What the hell did you just say to me?”

“It’s pretty obvious from the look on your face that you heard me,” he responded. “You can’t even go out as a demon and kill just to kill. Don’t you see that? You’re killing shitty humans and your own kind. It’s like some part of you still needs to justify what you’re doing, some corner of your black little demon heart isn’t completely giving in to the chaos.” He laughed again. “It’s kind of hilarious if you think about it. You’re not free at all.”

You glared at him and ignored the obnoxious tightness in your throat, doing your best to brush off some stupid feeling Dean had elicited. Why did that keep happening? You gathered your gear up again, turned your back on him, and made a step toward the door but his next words froze you in place.

“It doesn’t help, does it? The killing. Not really.”

When you didn’t make any other move to leave, Dean continued. “You’re just doing it to occupy your time. You’re trying to fill that emptiness that you think is going to consume you. That’s the thing you don’t know about being a demon until you are one: it’s rage, and it’s freedom, and it’s violence, and it’s power, but it’s all empty. You can’t feel things like a human can. Drugs, booze, sex. Even the highest, most heightened sensations are deadened compared to before. No wonder Crowley started shooting up with human blood…”

”Crowley’s weak,” you retorted.

Dean laughed and nodded. “It’s all relative.”

You wouldn’t turn to face him.

”But you’re furious. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t choose this emptiness. It was forced on you. And part of you blames me, because if I hadn’t gone darkside and refused to come back or to play nice then Crowley would never have turned you.” Dean’s voice was casual. He was keeping it forcibly so. He knew if the words he was saying were right he didn’t need to inject them with intensity, and the fact that you were still standing there, the breeze coming through the open motel room door sending your hair fluttering, told him he was right. “So you’re angry at the emptiness that you didn’t choose, but you’re even more afraid of the fact that, even as a demon, I’m the one thing that makes it stop.”

You turned around to look at Dean, keeping your expression emotionless at first before coercing it into what you hoped was a smug smile. “Isn’t that typical? The world revolves solely around the arrogance of Dean Winchester. Here’s some advice: stop projecting your bullshit onto me, Dean.”

“Face it. We’re connected. And you’re running scared.”

”Or perhaps it’s just possible that you’ve got the whole thing wrong,” you retorted. Your heart was hammering inside your chest, but you concealed your nerves, refusing to acknowledge that if Dean was wrong you wouldn’t have nerves to conceal.

Now he was getting a little angry at your obstinacy, at your denial when he felt he had just bared much of himself that was left. He knew he had it right. “I know you felt it,” he demanded.

“The only thing I feel now is my blade when it goes into my target.” You started to turn to leave, but just then Dean made a move toward you as if he planned to grab onto you again. Instinctively you flicked a hand up and he was sent flying into the opposite wall, his back colliding with the drywall and leaving a mark like a meteor had just struck.

As he climbed to his feet you adjusted your duffel bag on your shoulder and finally turned to leave again but there were suddenly three other demons in the room. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” you muttered, immediately dropping your bag again. “I’ve told you to stop—fucking—following—me!” you yelled.

Dean was shaking off the stunned feeling left from colliding with the wall, but he quickly snapped out of it when you raised a hand, palm out, and the three demons who had just arrived disintegrated. Not exorcised, or killed with a demon-killing knife, or a spell… Disintegrated. To three piles of ash. The next instant, you and your gear were gone. Dean watched the ash catch and drift in the current of air still streaming in from outside.

What the fuck had he just seen? Shit. Maybe Sam, Cas, and Crowley had it right. You’d thrown him, a fucking Knight of Hell, across the room like it was nothing and then vaporized demons and their vessels in a split second. Fuck.

_ _ _ _ _ _

If demon blood could boil within veins, curdle and roll as it pumped through a vessel, yours was positively bubbling over. You kicked out at the nearby coffee table with a wild scream of frustration and sent it sprawling and splintering across the room. You could feel your entire frame heaving up and down as you breathed. Anger was seething out of your pores.

You stared down at the corpse on the floor in front of you. The pool of blood from her slit throat was so dark that it was almost black on the beige carpet where it had soaked in. The top of the saturated layer was dry and flaky. She’d been dead a while. At least a day. You jammed your clean knife back into the sheath at your hip. You stared down at the extinguished husk before you. Fuck. You had been really looking forward to offing this bitch too. She was nearly as bad as they came.

There was no sign of a struggle in the house besides the coffee table you yourself had destroyed. The doors were all bolted and chained from the inside. The windows were all in perfect condition, latched and whole. If you didn’t know any better, you would have said you had done the job yourself.

You shut your eyes and when you opened them again you were hidden in the shadows of a copse of trees in the backyard. You glanced around you slowly, willing there to be a shift in the shadows, a hint of movement. Something for you to chase down. Something explaining your spoiled planning.

This was the fourth time this month you had selected a target, did careful surveillance, stalked them, learned their habits, and showed up for the kill to find that someone had done it first. And not just the fourth target; four targets in a row. One was perhaps a coincidence. These people were garbage: child abusers, murderers, rapists… There were probably plenty of people who wanted to off them for the same reasons. You could have believed maybe even two were a coincidence. But three? Four? In a row? No fucking way.

This was deliberate. This was fucking deliberate.

Another failed hunt. Your fingers went to the hilt of your completely clean, unused knife. You felt like you had an itch you couldn’t scratch. You were unsettled. You rocked your weight from side to side, still peering around your surroundings. Nothing.

Suddenly you felt sick. What the fuck was this? Someone or something was messing with you. You didn’t need two guesses about who it was likely to be. Another wave of rage rose in your chest and threatened to swamp over you completely. Your vision even tinged a little red at the outside, like blinking through blood in your eyes. Your jaw clenched. He was trying to take away your sense of control? Sense of purpose? Why? Because you had told him to fuck off? Because he’d revealed too much to you and now was trying to exert his power? Because you’d tossed him into the wall? Your hands clenched into fists. Truthfully, the reason didn’t really matter.

Dean Winchester just couldn’t leave you alone.

The question now was how was he doing it? It’s not like you were easy to follow when you moved between jobs. You didn’t walk or drive from place to place. You were a demon. You wanted to be somewhere and you were instantly there. Sure, once you were in a new town, you’d steal a car you liked and travel like you used to. You’d walk to and from the bar or whatever hotel you were calling home that week. Well, that was over. No more human bullshit. You’d zap yourself anywhere you wanted to be from now on.

With that thought, you were back at the motel. You glanced around the room, checking to see if anything had been moved.

It all looked the same as when you had left. You grabbed a beer from the fridge and kicked off your boots. You let yourself fall backwards onto the bed, mimicking the stupid trust fall move companies seemed to think bonded their employees at forced “professional development” workshops. You stared up at the cobwebs clinging to the textured ceiling. You didn’t feel anything now. You were just numb. You shut your eyes.

Then the sick feeling returned. You pulled yourself up so your back was against the headboard and were just about to crack open your beer, shoving down that hollow feeling when it suddenly evaporated of its own accord. The hair on the back of your neck suddenly stood on end. There was a sensation like all the air had been sucked from the room. You felt like electricity was crackling over your skin.

You didn’t need to look. Your jaw clenched.

Your hand flew to your knife and in a fluid movement you pulled it from its sheath and sent it smoothly sailing, toppling in the air, hilt over blade, straight at Dean.

But it didn’t meet its target in the way you had intended. He was prepared this time. He was ready. He caught the blade between his fingers deftly, like it was the easiest thing in the world. And maybe it was… for a Knight of Hell.

“You son of a bitch,” you spat at him, climbing to your feet.

“I missed you, too,” he said, examining your knife carelessly now. There was a half-smirk curving his lips and you suddenly remembered when you had drunkenly punched him in the face, right in that cocky smile, back in that motel when Crowley had kidnapped you—a lifetime ago.

His green eyes lifted and landed on your face. Your heart began to race.

“Not much point throwing this at me, is there?” he said. He flung the knife straight down where it stuck upright into the carpet.

You didn’t say anything. You were tensed from head to toe. You wanted to scream at him. You wanted to tear him to pieces. But you couldn’t. It was like your feet were rooted to the floor.

Something about your expression made him smile and laugh lightly. He stepped over the knife and surveyed you from a few feet closer, narrowing his eyes slightly, looking like he was trying to read your thoughts. “You look like you’re thinking about the best way to dismember me,” he said. There wasn’t a trace of fear in his voice, which only further infuriated you.

“I want to know how you’re doing it,” you demanded.

“Doing what?” The stupid smile was still on his face.

“You know what.”

He raised his eyebrows at you but said nothing. Dean wandered over to the fridge and took out a beer. He twisted off the top and was about to take a sip when—

There was a sharp crack accompanied by a pop, followed by an exploding fountain of beer which splattered all over Dean.

You couldn’t prevent the tiniest satisfied smirk from turning up one corner of your mouth as you looked at him, now dripping wet and covered in foam.

Dean licked the beer dripping down to his lips and blinked a few times. The next instant he was clean and dry again. “Alright,” he said, clearing his throat. “Fine. We can play that way.”

The next moment he was gone. You waited—heart and breath stalled—your eyes searching the room a bit frantically. You willed your body language to stay the same, to not show that he was unnerving you. Then that electricity seemed to crackle up your back again…and you went rigid at the sensation.

“Y/N.” His deep voice was low, the familiar gravel sounding right in your ear. The next moment you could feel his breath on your neck. “You can’t tell me you don’t think about that night,” he whispered. You felt frozen. He was standing so closely behind you, if you just wavered back an inch you’d be pressed against him.

Move. Do something. What are you doing!? The voice in your head was almost screaming. But the memories came rushing back and you were suddenly overwhelmed, as if you were there—as if you had transported back into that moment. The same emotions, the same feelings. It was so strong and so sudden that it almost crippled you. You let out an involuntary gasp and squeezed your eyes shut. You felt your knees buckle and the edge of the bed beneath you. Your fingers clutched the blanket.

It was too much. You shoved it down. You gasped for air. You fought it. You fought it. You pushed it back. You surfaced, completely unbalanced but again in control, heaving breaths and waiting for the horizon to steady.

To your surprise, Dean wasn’t smiling now. He was staring at you with keen interest, studying your expression. You felt that your eyes were wide and that your lips had fallen slightly open. You adjusted. You closed off. Dean watched it happen. He watched you retreat into that cold stare.

“Don’t,” you warned him.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do that.”

His voice was calm. “All I did was remind you of what happened.”

Your breathing was hurried again, making up for the long moment when you felt like you were drowning. “Don’t,” you said again.

“Or what? You’ll run?” he challenged you. “I’ll find you. Again. And again. And again.”

You stood and faced him with a steely expression. You watched him recoil and put a hand up to his forehead, squeezing his eyes shut. When they opened again, there was anger there but also something else you couldn’t quite define.

He didn’t look cocky or confident anymore. You had sent another flash of your corpse into his mind.

He tried his best to recover, arranging his face into a casual smirk, though not without some difficulty. “How if that fair? I remind you of the good times and that’s what I get back? Hardly fair.”

“Fair? You want to talk about fair? Tell me how! Were you just—were you following me? Did you send someone or something to follow me? How did you know where I would be, who I was after next? I want to know! You are taking away the one thing--” you stopped yourself before you revealed too much.

Dean didn’t answer. He just watched you starting to spiral.

“Why won’t you just leave me the fuck me alone?!” You were squaring off with him. “Just go—just go get drunk and do blow or whatever the fuck you’re into now and fuck whoever you like and leave me the fuck alone!” A force like a shockwave shot outward from you, but Dean was ready—he had steeled himself and it only pushed him back a couple steps.

“Leave you alone? You started this whole thing!” he argued back, his voice raised for the first time. There was a flash of lightning outside and the unmistakable bass of thunder rolling.

You scoffed. “Me?”

“Yes! You, Y/N! You! I didn’t turn you! I didn’t do that! That was ALL Crowley! But as soon as you’re back, I’m getting punished! You’re sending me—” he actually stopped and let out a noise like a frustrated growl, “You come back as a demon and the first thing you do is start shoving images of your dead body into my fucking head! And now you want me to leave YOU alone?!”

You actually started laughing sardonically. “You are such a fucking prick. You still have no idea. You know what? I’m not going to explain it to you. You can figure it out, Einstein.”

“Oh, now you’re done? Now we’ve hit your limit?” Dean started advancing on you. “Go on, Y/N. Go ahead. Run away from it. Like I said, I’ll find you. Eventually you’re going to have to face it.”

You felt heat rising into your face. “Face what, Dean?” you challenged him.

His jaw clenched and his eyes were flitting between yours, stormy and intense, but he was less than a foot away from you now. The next instant he was kissing you.

You stumbled back in shock and pushed him away from you. “What the hell are you doing?” you gasped.

Dean gave a vague shrug and stared at you incredulously. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. “I—I feel like that should be pretty obvious at this point.”

You ripped your eyes away from the fire burning in his and started to rush toward your bag of gear, ready to grab it and be gone, but Dean was suddenly right there again, blocking your way.

“Move.”

“No.”

“Dean—“

For some reason, he smiled. “No. I’m not moving. If you want me to move you’re going to have to make me. And we both know you’re capable of it.”

But you didn’t. You could have sent him flying across the room. You could have pulled the building down around him. You could have disappeared. You didn’t need your bag of clothes and gear—it was all replaceable. But you didn’t. You stood rooted there unable or unwilling to break the eye contact you had with Dean. You could hear a torrential rainstorm outside.

Dean took another small step toward you. You tried to ignore how the closer he got the faster your heart beat.

He hesitated for a moment, trying to read what was going on behind your eyes but he found it impossible. He reached a hand up and slid it into your hair, his fingers floating down the side of your neck and tracing down to your collarbone. His expression was hungry, almost desperate.

You felt yourself crumbling. “Move.” It came out as a whisper, and Dean could hear the emptiness, the weakness. It wasn’t a command. It was like you were begging him not to.

He licked his lips as his eyes flitted down to yours. “Make me.”

You crashed into him, colliding. The heat between the two of you was instant and you were ready to be consumed, to give into it. Dean kissed you hungrily, biting your bottom lip, his fingers tangled in your hair, one hand grabbing your hip. You pressed into him, wanting more, needing more, and you both toppled backward until his back hit the wall.

Dean suddenly had both your wrists in his hand and he spun you forcefully until he had you pinned up against the wall. Both of you were out of breath, drinking in each other with hungry eyes. Dean kissed you hard and his lips moved to your neck, to your collarbone. He bit at your earlobe and you couldn’t stifle the gasp that left your lips. He released your wrists and you slid one arm around his neck, your fingers sliding into his hair. Your other hand slid up under his shirt, pressing into his lower back, pulling his hips into you. You wrapped a leg around him and bit his bottom lip as he slid his hands over you tracing your waist, the curve of your hips, one sliding around to grab your ass.

The thunder outside cracked and rolled and flashes of lightning made their way through the edges of the curtains. It was a complete downpour outside, but neither you nor Dean heard any of it.

Dean pulled off his jacket and you stripped off his shirt. His hands found the hem of yours and did the same. Your kissed him hungrily and unbuttoned his jeans, your fingers tracing over his stomach and back as he kicked them off. Dean lifted you up so you were straddled around his hips and carried you over to topple you onto the bed. He dropped you down and you bit your lip as he undid the zipper and button on your jeans and tugged them down.

There was unmistakable desire in his eyes and you felt your chest and cheeks flush with the same. Dean trailed kisses from your hips up your sides and up your chest. He pinned your arms above you with one hand and slid the other into your hair, pulling it hard enough to turn your head and hold it there so he could kiss your neck.

Soon you were both just skin on skin, and you gasped as he pushed inside you, your fingernails digging into his back. Dean smiled at your reaction and relished your hand splayed out on his lower back, and the feeling of your skin like silk against his. You wrapped your legs around him and both of you were consumed with tingles and electricity skittering over your skin. The building heat between you was rising to a peak and you kissed each other hungrily. Dean pressed into you and waves of pleasure traveled down to your toes. His kiss became less hungry, less desperate, and softer. You both gasped out of breath, heat radiating between you, and now completely consumed by the realization that neither of you had felt anything like that, like this in your entire lives, as humans or demons. No other sensation since Crowley had turned you had been even a modicum of this intense. Even your rages and violent retribution paled in comparison…

You looked into each other’s eyes, bewildered and spent. Dean settled down next to you, a hand still draped across you resting on your hip. You were both reeling. He reached over and smoothed a hand through your hair. There was something questioning in your eyes that made him laugh.

You bit your bottom lip and mouthed wordlessly for a moment, which only made him laugh a little harder.

“That was—uhh…” Dean couldn’t find the words and just cupped your face in his hand and kissed you passionately again. “…Yeah.” He flopped down on the pillow beside you. “Did you know that that would be—?”

You shook your head, knowing your cheeks were pink, the heat still blooming there. “No,” you said, biting your bottom lip. “Did you?”

A small smirk curved one corner of his mouth. “I had a hunch,” he said.

The question was still there in your eyes. “What?” Dean prodded you.

“I guess I’m just trying to reconcile what just happened,” you said.

Dean raised his eyebrows. “With?”

“With how much I wanted to kill you right before it happened,” you said, baffled.

Dean let out a gruff laugh. “Yeah. Yeah… Give it some time.” He gazed up at the ceiling for a moment. “Would it help if we did it again? You know, to help you reconcile?”

There it was. A genuine smile. And goddamn wasn’t it beautiful. Dean had been wanting to see that since he’d woken up as a demon. Nothing else in the world came close.

#supernaturalfreewill #demon!dean #demon!dean x reader #reader insert #dean winchester #squirrel #dean imagines #dean fanfics #dean x reader #spn #spn fanfics #spn imagines #gif imagines #supernatural #team free will

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myatuesday · 4 years ago

Text

My sleep was restless and I woke up feeling quite melancholy.

Granted, this isn't exactly a vacation, as bad as I need one or might want it to be.

I'm just exhausted in every sense of the word. Still.

I realized my birthday is in just a couple weeks.

*sigh*

And all I can think about, all I want is "Austin", still.

Of course.

I wonder if he has any clue what impact he actually had/has on my life.

(I wonder if he even really cares... either fucking way.)

I was going through my phone recently (last night, yesterday, maybe day before. I don't know.)

And just... looking at how much we shared. What we shared. Fuck. Him video chatting me in the fucking shower FFS. Him falling asleep video chatting w me. Our trips together. Just... Him and us and EVERYTHING.

We were saturated by one another's existence.

(I mean, at one point, he told me his phone was full of nothing but me too.)

How the fuck did we go from there to here?

It seems like I'm obsessing, but JFC, who couldn't?

Someone come (back) into your life

Becomes your life - every day, hours a day

Promises you the rest of your lives together, basically

Then, one day - out of nowhere, they just... cease to exist in it?

*sigh*

And... it's not just anybody.

That's the thing.

Sure, losing anybody is hard.

If he wasn't my one, tell me who the fuck is...!?

Who the actual fuck.

Cause... what the actual fuck

Who could even come fucking close

THAT maybe that's the hardest part

It's not that I miss the company. Like some codependent bullshit.

I have fucking company. I have [can't think of nickname yet] ffs. Of all the fucking people in the world. Maybe one of the very best. An old favorite. Sure.

But that changes nothing.

That's just the universe trying to throw me some fucking light so I don't goddamn die.

And he says he's not good.

I don't need you to be good.

I need you to be YOU.

The man I fell in fucking love with

Idgaf about good.

Be good to me.

Don't pull this fucking shit.

The rest, wtf does that even mean?

*sigh*

FUCK.

I just want to curl in a ball and sob and scream and cry a wail (not that at times I haven't)

But I need him now.

Maybe I fucking need him.

He always said he needed me.

But fuck.

What about me now?

Am I allowed to ask?

And I don't need him to take care of me

I don't need him to do anything

Just to goddamn fucking exist

And be in my fucking life again!

There's a line in Requiem. Marion says,

"You make me feel like a person... Feel like... a me."

(At least that's how I always heard it)

Why does this dream have to be over?

We aren't dead.

We didn't fucking die.

There's no need for a goddamn Requiem.

The only death is me without you

Maybe I was dead before I met you

But I know there is no life without you

There is no me

There's a me...

But I live alone {inside myself, basically}

There is no one to share this unique existence with

You are me

I am me when I'm with you

More me than I've ever been with anyone

other than myself

(And I'm one authentic bitch)

But she doesn't get to live

In every second

Like it is with you

And for god's fucking sake

I saw you at your worst

And I loved you anyway

I love you anyway

I said

I love you all the time

We said it. I fucking meant it.

[And maybe you just don't love you very much right now.

So let me fucking do it.

I love you enough.

I've got enough love for the both of us.

I don't even need you to love me right now.

I just need you to goddamn exist in my life

Or to let me exist near you

While you exist near me

And let me not judge you for

ANYTHING]

Could we PLEASE just do that?

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corruptedsorrows · 5 years ago

Note

what do you think of chuuyaxdazai? chuuyaxatsushi? chuuyaxakutagawa? chuuyaxyasano? chuuyaxranpo? chuuyaxkunikida? chuuyaxtachihara? chuuyaxango? chuuyaxtsujimura? chuuyaxodasaku?

Heck that’s a lot of ships anon. I guess the easiest way would be to put them in a sort of number ranking and explain my reasoning, yes? Let’s go with that.

So the range is 0 - 10, 10 is OTP/intensely shipped and loved, 0 is absolute NOTP, don’t bring it near me with a 20 foot pole. Sound good? Alright let’s go!

(read more because this is a titan of a post)

ChuuyaxDazai

Hnnngh… my grandmaster of BSD ships. I don’t think it should come as much surprise to anyone here that this is my OTP, ranking an easy 10/10 ship. There is so much complexity and depth to these two I could rant for hours, but I’ll hold my tongue. I will say at the very least, with this being my OTP I am honestly quite choosy about who I open my heart to with it.

I want to explore all facets of this ship, not just jump straight into romance and smut (although yes, I do like it). More than anything I want to explore the drama between them. I want to have fun shenanigans of teasing and their childish banter. I want Chuuya to understand the shit that goes through Dazai’s head and pull him back from the cliff he’s drawn to–if only for a moment. Chuuya knows how much his head tortures him now, he understands that after having spent so long together. He knows he absolutely isn’t the cure Dazai needs, but he can’t help longing for it. The double edged sword of always being the one passed over for Dazai certainly doesn’t make admitting what he feels towards the man any easier to understand. Why should he want to be involved with the person he’s always being compared to?

This sort of depth is what I’m looking for in anyone that wants to RP this ship with me. I want to dive into the core of SKK and swim in those troubled waters. I want them to fight and scream at each other, to reach their limits and break down as the finally have their masks shattered. These two know each other to such a depth–even with all of their bad blood that they can still understand each other’s thoughts and actions without speaking on it. They can still trust each other with their lives and know that even though everyone else they thought they could trust–that may have even shown kindness towards them, has let them fall. No matter how badly these two fall out with each other, they’ll never let the other fall past the point of being saved. At the end of the day they’ll be the one outstretching their hands to catch each other.

ChuuyaxAtsushi

I WANT TO RP WITH AN ATSUSHI SO FRICKING BADLY. As the brutality of SSKK I want Chuuya to mentor Atsushi and work with him on accepting his ability. Chuuya’s gone through so much of the same strife and struggle I think these two could understand each other very well. Granted, they’d probably clash on the surface given how little patience Chuuya has for those too afraid to fight (it’s the Port Mafia way), but knowing Atsushi’s fears about hurting others with his ability and being afraid of it he understands very well. He knows what it’s like to feel like a monster, to be transformed into something when everyone else’s ability is merely an extension of themselves. It’s different when you become something instead of wield it.

I want these two to have these talks so badly, and I sincerely hope Kafka will give us this content because I think Atsushi could stand to grow so much under Chuuya’s guidance. Again, like Akutagawa I view these more on a familial/mentor relationship, but I think unlike Akutagawa, Chuuya would be able to dote on Atsushi more and be allowed to express himself in more heartfelt ways–like hugs and gentle hair brushes… things like that. I’d put these two at 6/10.

ChuuyaxAkutagawa

Oh Akutagawa… while I don’t really ship these two, I like to think of Chuuya as something like the replacement for Akutagawa. I don’t think Chuuya did a very good job considering how much Akutagawa still pines for Dazai’s attention, but Chuuya understands that pinning at least. He knows how painful it was for Akutagawa when Dazai left suddenly, and seeing how Dazai’s effectively replaced them all with ADA equivalents must hurt like hell to him. I love having Chuuya as a source of comfort for Akutagawa, but I don’t romantically ship them together. This would be more of a familial/mentor relationship and I prefer it that way between them. 4/10.

ChuuyaxYosano

I WANT THESE TWO TO GET PLASTERED IN A BAR TOGETHER! Chuuya and Yosano would be THE BEST drinking buddies and no one can tell me otherwise! I think these two have decent potential as romantic partners–but there’s a huge problem between them–and that would be Mori. Yosano can’t stand the idea of him and Chuuya has dedicated his life to servitude under him. There would be so many arguments and fights over this that it would be a serious point of contention between them.

I would love to see though… if one day they got on well enough for Yosano to truly see the damage Corruption has done to Chuuya. It’s something she wouldn’t be able to heal from how long its existed in his system. She could of course heal him if he were in a state of Corruption that lasted long enough to put his life in jeopardy, but otherwise Chuuya would be one of the few cases where she simply wouldn’t be able to heal someone and could only watch them waste away with each use like a fatal disease. What sort of affect would that have on her I wonder? 6/10.

ChuuyaxRanpo

Ok this is admittedly a guilty ship for me. I honestly didn’t realize how much I would ship this until I actually started RPing here and got to interact with an amazing Ranpo. I think it’s enjoyable because in many ways Ranpo is like Dazai as far as intellect is concerned. While Chuuya doesn’t have background with Ranpo, the man is able to easily cut through Chuuya’s bullshit and pride in order to get to the heart of what Chuuya is really feeling. And he teases Chuuya about just as badly and as a MUN I’m horribly weak to my muses being teased. I would put these two at about 8/10?

As much as Ranpo is able to give Chuuya by means of healing and growth, I’m not sure how much Chuuya would be able to give Ranpo in return. He’s certainly not the best intellectual companion, but maybe that’s what Ranpo finds amusing. He can indulge in simpler things and not have to overthink all the time.

ChuuyaxKunikida

I don’t think Chuuya would ever meet any of Kunikida’s ideals so 0/10. No, I’m kidding! I think these two would fit really nicely together as work friends–even though they’re on opposite sides. They have one extreme headache in common and it would be nice for them to just chat out their frustrations over drinks at a bar. Kunikida may just have to step down from his high horse a bit to be able to stoop to casual conversation with the enemy. I’d give them a 2/10. I’m not much for a romantic ship for them, but friendos? YES PLEASE!!!

ChuuyaxTachihara

At first I was like, ah… they’re good bros. Just what Chuuya needs, a best friend that he can confide in. And then Tachihara was revealed as a spy and member of the Hunting Dogs, betraying Port Mafia and I just tiorewihtwfoilahflidu. CHUUYA APPARENTLY ISN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR FAMILY JFC. When’s Kouyou handing in her notice at this rate?! However, Tachihara’s leaving of Port Mafia, and his compounded feelings towards them definitely added a nice level of spice for me with this ship, giving it room to have less bromantic feelings and more romantic.

I enjoy them as an angst ship and I so yearn for that confrontation between them. I enjoy ships that have a lot of work to be done and aren’t smooth sailing–but there’s potential. There has to be some foundation there that holds them together, and in this case it’s that former friendship. So for these too I’d now say that they’re at 6/10.

ChuuyaxAngo

This is quite honestly a ship I struggle to understand as far as how it would work. I see how they could get on with being mutually misunderstood by both their organizations and suffering as a result of their abilities but Chuuya has so much animosity towards Ango for all that he has done and what he represents by working for the Special Abilities Division. Hell, Ango has even referred to Chuuya by his number, making him feel even less human when he already struggles with that concept so much in his life. I truly don’t see these two working together and think they would be far better off with others. 2/10.

ChuuyaxTsujimura

In perfectly good honesty I have not read the spin off novel for the Special Ability Division. However, Chuuya would likely feel very similar to her in the way he does Ango. Chuuya HATES the government with a burning passion for what they put him through. While Tsujimura does seem to have a considerably bigger heart, Chuuya would likely not be able to stand her due to her affiliation not only with the Division, but working directly with Ango as well. Strangely enough though, I do think her concern for Chuuya’s well being would warm his heart quite a bit. It’s rare for anyone to show compassion towards the danger he throws himself into so… on that merit alone it gives her quite an advantage: 6/10

ChuuyaxOdasaku

Again, Chuuya once more doesn’t get on with someone in this listing. It’s an unfortunate pattern. He blames Oda for convincing Dazai to betray the organization and leave, so Oda is in his own way a traitor in Chuuya’s eyes. However, he can also see how Oda’s influence has changed Dazai for the better, and he’s grateful for that. Chuuya’s feelings towards him went from jealous friend, to enemy, to a father figure he wished he could’ve had. Dazai was very lucky to have had someone to teach him in his life for so long. So if anything, it would be more of a paternal/familial ship with Oda and it would certainly be complicated. I’d place this at about… 3/10?

#◺ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴇᴅɢᴇʀ◹ ┅ ᴀsᴋs #☈ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴡɪɴᴇ — ᴏᴏᴄ #Anonymous

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theskyexists · 5 years ago

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she-ra season 3

i LOVE scorpia

this show has a bit of tonal issue in my opinion. they keep going back to a very teen-parent relationship between the trio and mum - when there’s a terrible war on.

people get killed but generally it really does just feel presented like a game or a fight about curfew and sometimes thats a bit jarring. (or is it strange to expect the graveness of situations to bring out a quality of sincerity even during puberty?)

i don’t really understand why Adora would jump to the conclusion that Shadoweaver showing up means she’s changed

but Adora, you ARE stupid. lol

but the rest is too. ‘don’t listen to her Adora’ why not? is it so terrible to be from another world? the stakes are quite murky

Entrapta’s comments really go to show how shit of a leader Hordak really is. HOw the hell did he manage to create this empire when he’s so damn incompetent? OOOHHHHHH CATRA SAID IT!!! just after i wrote that sentence she SAID IT

Hordak is an idiotic beserker

so why didn’t they take their unicorn flying steed?

‘well yeah - but you said that while saving us - so - you can’t be all bad. what do ya say’

i love the voice actor for Adora lolololol. she is clearly having SO much fun.

and Adora has a small crush on Huntara and absolutely ruins her chances with the barmaid by popping up. totally did not expect that voice for Huntara tho

entraptak is.....real. wtf. it’s.....cute. Hordak is just trying to be Prime. Failing at it miserably, lashing out. jfc it’s an endless cycle isn’t it.

‘know about she-ra? ahahahaha! I AM she-ra!’ THAT WAS BADASS. i love it when Adora is being rowdy and cocky

oh wow reversed chin-tilt with sword, and then lifting her head and soulful look? She-Ra really has chemistry with ALL the Princesses.

I LOVE scorpia. i loved that moment when Catra pushed her away nobly - i love how Catra has plausible deniability to herself. Love how the narrative reinforces that Catra is literally the most competent person around etc. (if they could get her for the Rebellion it would be over and out but hey)

surely Mara cut Aetheria off to save it from Hord-Prime’s war? Light-Hope wanted She-Ra to join the other She-Ra’s (’this world’s she-ra’) in the battle but she decided to hide the world and people she loved, breaking most of the magic-tech system. What I don’t understand is - the First Ones lived on Aetheria, but the people that populate it now are a different quality of organics, they can only survive in a specific atmosphere. The princesses are living components in the balancing of the tech-magic system...what are the people of the world? We don’t realise this most of the time, but all of them except for princesses, are animal-humanoids (and...kyle.....). What does this mean? Did the animal life unintentionally evolve? Were they an underclass - simply part of the system? (seems too edgy for this show).

‘why was i taken from my family? why was i forced to become a soldier?’ this line was GOOD

yesss!!! Mara! i love her already.

Scorpia is blushing lol. I am also liking Catra being completely off her shits careless and powerful.

Catra and Scorpia bonding yesssss!!!

ohhhhhHHH the magic of the planet is something of Aetheria itself! the tech is just latched on??? First Ones were colonisers (’settlers’)! but AETHERIA is what’s dangerous to the rest of the universe!!! (because it can be used as a weapon??) probably Aetheria would die as a result?

‘maybe it’s been a week, maybe it’s been thousands of years’ that is so fuckin sad

Catra being so hung up on acknowledgement is her greatest tragedy.

wow Scorpia really proposed a super cool thing and it could rearrange Catra’s WORLD

I want this show to stop repeating the same cycle after this last one time of Catra going: WAAAAHHH Adora made my life so hard now im going to do something inadvisable that might destroy us all as payback

Adora’s greatest tragedy is that she’s so self-centred that she doesn’t understand Catra at all.

if they have Angella and Glimmer fight and then have her mum die before they’ve made up i’ll be very upset (i’m not really loving Glimmer and Bow in this so far - they’re toeing the edge of annoying). and the fights about having to have plans and fighting or not fighting due to the fear of losing people - that’s always been uhhhh - well they always got away safe with shit plans and i just really don’t think that they’re meshing the commander-queen and daughter-mother stuff well. because there’s literally NO ONE ELSE in charge. there’s some magical queen and some villagers and a barely present guard. where’s the court, the advisors, anybody??

it would be silly to trust Shadoweaver (she did mercilessly torture you - no psychological effects from that stupidly enough), but i am hard-pressed to think of a reason she’d betray them.

still don’t understand how Frosta went from icy, frosty queen to idk a kid. i mean she can be both, but it was weird to see no uhhhh connection at all

I think this show is about how every single character is held back by their inability to grow and grow closer to others. Glimmer has disobeyed Angella SO often, why is she surprised at all? Why can’t she be honest and say: I am afraid! I am afraid I will lose you! I am afraid of that pain and I want you to take the risks seriously, to plan for them. I want to protect you!

That Glimmer would work with her torturer is of course a ridiculous notion. that is to say - if that kind of thing was properly given weight.

why fight Catra??? Why not just teleport to Hordak’s inner sanctum?? it’s stupid. why waste all the damn power

glad entrapta finally heard from Adora that she didn’t mean to leave her behind though.

‘you can’t fight them they’re too strong!’ ?? Glimmer just got sucked dry tho? like what. the way this show always postpones its fights on shitty pretexts is ....acceptable but pretty roll-eye-y

Catra burning all her bridges.

“there’s no choice” fucking bullshit, just teleport lol.

lol Catra feeds the anti-princess propaganda right back to Hordak. that’s poetic but jfc i really hope next season is going to be a little less *shuffles deck, cards end up in a million different hands, literally all cards feel betrayed*

so catra is willing to pull the annihilation switch on the universe just to one-up Adora just this once LOLLLL. if only somebody hadn’t ingrained a deeply seated inferiority complex in this cat

anyway i want her to feel the consequences of all that for a change

that animation on everything going VWWWWWWOOOOOOMM darkness was awesome

OHHHH the next episode has an awesome premise.

can i just say that i LOVE this episode. it’s so damn creepy and cool and kind of nostalgic. and i LOVE that it’s Scorpia and Adora who are remembering things - the ones closest to Catra. AND THEN THEY BOND!!!! and hold hands!!!!

reliving the betrayals. love the way the memories hit people, the way Catra goes from her old self, their playfulness, their casual violence ratcheting up at each other because that’s how they’ve been trained - to defend themselves, and then - the true Catra, the hysteria, gone so far off the deep-end. “i’d rather let the whole world be destroyed than let you win.” geeze that’s rooted deep.

angella and mica are so cuteeee. but angella really hasn’t changed has she? no tolerance for difficulty. she honestly is a bit of a shit queen. thought that was bc of grief and trauma but eh

he puts a truth spell on her but then he doesn’t believe her? does he think she’s crazy?

don’t think i’ve ever shipped something as hard in this show as Mica/Angella. i just LOVE royal woman x good man apparently. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. god why didn’t she kiss him on the lips>????

oh SHIT, MARA IS STILL TRAPPED INSIDE THE PORTAL LIKE ENTRAPTA SAID - THAT’S WHY SHE SAID: HAS IT BEEN A DAY OR THOUSANDS OF YEARS?

so...is there a reason that Angella is not faded?

wow that speech about bravery and cowardice. she truly. TRULY, ok they made something of her. I HATE losing Angella because the voice acting is INCREDIBLE. but that was actually an amazing end. (and she got to see Mica for the last time, at least)

ok so if i lost my mum forever i would be SCREAMING in pain but i guess these itsy bitsy tears from Glimmer will do?

that look of pure determination and anger and mercilessness in Adora’s eyes at Catra? nice. wish Catra didn’t go into a sulk at it but kept her goddamn FEAR (Adora was totally right, she vanquished another demon from her past - everything Catra did, she CHOSE to do. and her keeping on blaming others is simply - cowardice)

#anyway #that was a very good season #but i am not sure about this glimmer and angella thing #it still feels totally fuckin #weird #even more so now #kdslabf #sdjabj #sdjakfj #my stuff #she ra #vidi

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aintnouseofpretending · 6 years ago

Text

And I'll run in the rain till I'm breathless. (Roger Taylor x Reader)

» Kinda impossible for me to stop writing @[email protected] are two exams, this month and next month, so I have been studying non-stop and jfc I’m burning the hell out. I really wanna write something, so here it is!

Summary: Y/n is part of the underground rock community in London. One day Brian introduces her to Roger and they quickly became a friend. But that doesn't last long; after giving Roger space supposedly reserved for her best friend—y/n get to finally see Roger's true face behind his cool looks.

Pairing: Mr T (Roger Taylor) x Reader.

Warning: Fluff at the end. Maybe a wee bit of angst? Profanity; a lot of profanity (cursing too much ain’t cool, peeps). Smoking (it’s bad for ya).

Word count: 4917.

Inspired by: Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin.

Dedicated to and perma-tag: @ohmygoditsanthonyedwardstark, my new friend that’s instantly clicked with me. <4 <4

Another note: This means what happened currently. Italic means memories in the past. Roger can be either actual Roger from any era the readers like or Ben Hardy’s Roger.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

It’s foolish to think anything is going to work out with another man when your heart lies elsewhere. You wish to cry for him, but you can’t. There’s no reason for it. You don’t feel anything. Despite being his best friend for years, you see Loui as nothing more than a brother. A brother that doesn’t mine slapping you for being honest with him. After you’re accused to almost stood him up when you simply get the address wrong, he stopped you mid dumping him with a slap so true you feel like you’re still dreaming down in the rain. You finally snapped from the mind-bending action you thought he will never do, and quickly take shelter under the bus stop.

“Well. It’s going on three years.” You whispered to yourself. “If he was to do that to me, maybe I would do the same with what Loui did to me.”

Or maybe not. The only one time you hit someone was because you’re already so damn mad, and you’re too drunk to think straight. And it was an accident too, you only try to get him off; because he’s helping you to get up even after you say you can stand on your own. At least that time your feelings for him is still atom level it almost didn’t exist. Perhaps your old self when you start seeing his bad side would never think you’d be like now. Missing him. Somehow. You’ll do the dishes for him, but only two times before you start yelling at him. Like always.

You chuckled in silent as you wipe the water running down your hair. You wonder where he is now. Ever since you date Loui, you had a big fight and you moved out. You heard a couple of things from Brian, but they’re not so important, seeing the nature of the man. That makes you laugh again. He probably already exceed thousandths girlfriend. Maybe he’ll laugh too when his housemate told him to put a sock on the door.

“What’s so funny?”

You looked at a guy sheltering next to you. He’s also drenched. You shrugged.

“I don’t really know, mate. You got housemate still? Do they tell you to raise the flag when you’re shagging a gal? I used to be that housemate. I don’t know why I even bother to tell him. Good times...”

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

"I should've not introduced you to him." The man sighed deeply. You could only stare sharply. So bloody sharply that the brunette refuses to look at you until you stopped.

"What makes you think that? I have been painfully average in college anyways." It hurts to say that to the tall Astrophysics boy you have been crushing for so long. But sass is like honey in your blood. You can't help but get addicted.

"Cut your fucking sarcasm for once. It never helps your situation."

"Correct. But it makes it better." Now it's Brian's turn trying to kill you with his eyes. "What am I supposed to do then, Bri? Tried to fucking evict him? Emphasis on "tried"! That arsehole have me kicked out and shunned by my ex-bandmates! I fucking know I sucked at bass and guitar! But they're—."

"Breath..."

You didn't realize you almost throw your coffee cup at him. It still got half of hot coffee in it, and it makes Brian looks perfectly petrified with both of his hands up as if he ask you not to shoot.

"Sorry..."

"I'll talk to Roger. Again..."

The two of you knows it. It'll make no bloody difference; you can't even remember how many times you almost get Roger kicked by the landlady. But Mrs Marianne eventually falls victim to Roger's seduction and as he turned her against you. The last time you could convince her how horribly low maintenance her blonde tenant was, Roger played, hope-fucking-fully, his last trump card and get you voted by your own bandmates, from the band you fucking founded. His sugary victory has you wish you were bald so there'll be no hair you can pull out of frustration. Although the incident this time was that not only he ate your food and didn’t even try to do the dishes, he also blasts his music when you have clearly stated you’re going to study.

At least the silver lining to all this was that every time Roger KO'd you, Brian will give you his time—most likely out of guilt—disguise it as helping you to study. But, 1) his teaching and tips actually help you, and 2) the two of you did studies in the end. So you're not sure whether the lanky guitarist was just so bloody kind, or there could be something else that can be of use for you. That's why you can't really blame him for Roger's case; were you not taking interest with the man with his curly hair, perhaps it'll be long enough for you to secure the space at the house for your best friend—as you originally planned and supposed to do, instead of giving it to the satan-spawn.

A sound of a phone vibrating makes the two of you jumped out of your concentration. Lucky it was Brian's phone. If it was yours, the two of you would've been dead from the damn loud rock music ringtone.

"Your mum?"

"Ha, ha..." He mocked whilst he checked the caller. "Oh, my girlfriend. I'll be back in a minute."

As the man stands up and goes outside to answer the call, and you simply sat there. Your world suddenly destroyed. Almost feels like the café starts crumbling before your eyes, but you can do nothing to stop it. Only to witness and stunned like a helpless heroine in her love story. The warm rustic atmosphere from the café-around-the-corner. A romantic scene, perfect for a date and be with your love. Not so many people around so you can enjoy, now apparently, your heartbroken. You’re not going back here anytime soon, that’s for sure.

"Hey, sorry about that. Chrissie just found out about your fight with Roger and she's very worried about you. She told me to tell you this; you can bunk with us in case Roger is being Roger again."

Brian's sudden presence as he sits down finally snaps you out of your post-apocalyptic perception of the world.

"Chrissie? Chrissie Mullen? She's your girlfriend?"

"Ah, that reminds me, I always forgot to tell you, Loui is her friend."

"I know that! We are friends too for quite a while—."

So that's why Brian always feels so fucking guilty. It's the one-thing-lead-to-another bullshit; Loui talked about how you're quick to eye him to be your housemate. Being Chrissie's friend—Brian's future girlfriend,—he's around Roger when he showed off your loyalty as his best friend, only to have the lights of hope immediately extinguished by the bastard of a drummer on exactly the next fucking week. Brian bloody knew. But he's not a god to see the impending doom.

"Ha. That's funny." Your eyes stare blankly at him for a solid three seconds before your hands start packing your things in your backpack as fast as lightning. But it's no longer the fact that Brian was already taken by none other than your friend, funny enough, you used to crush on too, but the pang of pain in the bottom of your stomach was now caused by his lack of reaction seeing you bursting out of the café. That's the only reason left you needed to change the reason to go to the music club. Now it's to drink.

...

You wish to laugh at the situation like you always do the almost fifty times it happens. But this time, the girl’s scream can’t even faze you as your mind trying to make what is going on. It is clear as day what is going on. The currently naked woman trying to get her clothes whilst Roger looked frustrated but not helping his date.

“Sock on the door, ya cunt.” It’s hard to hide your slur, but currently, nothing can make you care enough. “At least tell me ya be shagging a gal. How many times was this fucking thing have to—.”

When you run to the bathroom to throw up, his girl ran out of the house. An impossible scenario for two young and wild girls to leave him behind in a hurry just like that. Even more impossible to see you getting so drunk you throw up. Not after he almost get you to bed him the one time you’re drunk when he’s also in the house; which makes you swear to Brian or Loui or your close friends to never let go you go home when you drunk.

“You... Alright?”

“Do I look alright, young boy?” You didn’t even try to cover your face knowing full well Roger always throws his briefs at you when you call him that. So you’re not surprised when Roger is too shocked to find you in that state.

“Just leave me the fuck alone and wreck this house like you always do.”

You don’t expect him to care. At least you wish he didn’t, or he might prank the shit out of you, and you might be too shitfaced to not restrain yourself from murdering him on spot this time. Hell, you’re too fucking drunk to see that he already did the wrecking the house part; one thing you’ll thank him for instead, because being too angry at him whilst cleaning the house will surely make you forget tomorrow.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

“Ha. Annoying housemates after another. Just fucking avert your eyes, my sex life is none of yer’ business.” The man starts smoking, he offered you one, but you shake your head. “That one gal is the only one that lasts longer living with me. She’s still the champion in many different things too.”

“I bet she also hates you smoking near her.” You stated quite sharply. He inhaled deeply and exhale it away before he throws the cig on the pavement as he stepped on it.

“Miss that about her too.”

“No, you didn’t. You still smoked.”

“Just like her, you don’t know me quite well.”

“Well, you’re not helping much.”

“Because you only see what you want to see. You ignore everything else.”

Maybe that’s true. In the beginning, you hate your blonde housemate so much for many different reasons. Perhaps way too much that you can’t see him changing his attitudes towards you? But you have to be completely honest, if he does that when he’s not bringing home his bassist friend—that makes your housemate actually looks like the Satan himself, you’ll absolutely notice it much faster and sooner.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

Something is happening with Roger. Ever since that day, he’s less of a bitch than he used to. He still doesn’t do dishes, or clean the fucking bathroom, or still refusing to throw trash away along with himself. He doesn’t pull a prank on you or insults you as much. He doesn’t blast his stereo, he even turning it down when you kick at his door when you need to study. He hardly brings some shag home anymore. Instead, that cute brunette is the frequent guest. And of course, you’re not complaining at all. The nostalgic peacefulness almost makes you so fucking drunk, Roger will take pity on you and left you a half-opened snack like when you discover the daddy long leg of your crush is already taken.

“Huh, y/n, did you see my lunch set? You eat them?”

Roger’s yell doesn’t make you jump despite it successfully breaks your concentration.

“You ate yours this morning.” You reminded him as you continue looking for riffs. “You can eat mine. I have toasts for lunch.”

“Thanks—?”

“Yeah, piss off.”

And he did leave you alone. Quietly heating and eating the lunch set and boil some water. Except, he can’t stop staring at you as he does all that.

“You’re very good.” Roger’s friend that you just learn the name as John, commented. He sat right in front of you as he put a mug of hot coffee on your side of the table.

“Oh, I know. But apparently not good enough.” You stare at the mug to which he nodded. “Thanks so much about the coffee.”

“Roger made that, not me. And no. It is very good. How long have you played?”

“Since fifteen. And tell that to Jukebox, maybe they’ll listen to you.”

“You used to be in Jukebox?”

“You’re still salty about them?” Roger joins the two of you. But as he sits right next to you, you immediately grab your amp, your music sheets, and goes to your room for some privacy. As expected; Roger found it offensive.

“What the hell did I do?”

“Everything. And Jukebox. You give out bad vibe my muse fucked off. By the way, John, I still got some cheese on toast in the fridge if you want.”

“I’d like that. Thank you.”

“What about me? I just made you that coffee.” He whines mockingly, almost makes you throw your music sheets at him. But instead, you slammed your bedroom door. “Wait, I’m serious. I’m still hungry.”

“You have fucking legs, Roger! Get them yourself! And whilst you’re at that, why don’t you drink the coffee and all our fucking foods?”

You hear a muted conversation as you write some notes down a bit later. It sounded more like an argument, but there’s a loud; “Fine! You don’t even have to thank me!” followed by the sound of plates and glass clunking. If it is indeed Roger that does the dishes, you promised yourself to listen to him and not thanking him. That’s his responsibility, you have done yours, and it’s not even that much. But the harder you try to ignore that, the more you can’t help that maybe Roger is turning to the better, and not because John is getting on his nerve as much as you did, but the drummer can’t do much about it.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

“You’re right. But you have to understand it from my point of view. Ever since my housemate starts to live with me, he has done nothing but annoys me. And at that point, after plenty of fights, I want nothing but for either of us to move out.”

“Yeah, alright. I realised that a bit late. But still, ouch?” He laughs, hands automatically reach for a new cig before he notices what he’s doing. Your stare makes him put the smoke pack back inside his trousers. “Eventually the gal and I stop trying to murder each other.”

It’s still pouring out there with a zero sign it’ll stop anytime soon. Even though you wear layers of clothes, London is still a merciless place when it comes to weather. Despite that, recalling your sweet memories helps you warm up from the inside.

“Calm before the storm.” You break the silence, in which he quietly appreciate. “But maybe the most important part. After that, there’s no more filter on how we feel about each other.”

“I have to argue that my housemate and I are too much of childish bastards.”

This time it’s you that’s laughing. He’s right. Roger is growing softer and actually act like how a normal person should, especially to their housemate that give him a chance to live there in the first place. That’s when you can finally see he’s not just an arsehole rockstar wanna-be that’s a twat backstage. He is a twat backstage in a literal sense, but that’s something else entirely.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

It’s hard to convince Loui who gets jealous easily that Roger was just a housemate. Much harder to hide the fact that you and Loui are dating, whilst he tries to convince his fellow Jukebox bandmates that you’re framed by the blonde from Queen. Undoing the childish plan that successfully kills your motivation to ever join or create a new band. When Loui is to get you involved again in the band because of his utter distaste towards the new bassist—who prefers to play over contributing in the creation of new albums, you’re too busy juggling your relationship, college, and Roger.

What’s with Roger? It’s clear he doesn’t know you’re already with someone else. Not that it'll stop him. But he doesn’t stop treating you like someone not only he wants to shag, but also date long-term. That’s how he hooked Dominique. Their bad breakup—that later you find—was the necessary fuel for him to chose and have you kicked out from Jukebox because you pissed him off at the wrong time. If Loui knows, there might be a fist fight between the two. You don’t hate Roger that much anymore to be able to see him lose miserably against the former boxer.

“Here to see us, love?” There he is. Approaching you like a snake ready to eat its prey.

“Jukebox actually. Don’t call me that.”

“Why? They kicked you out.”

“Because of you. But let me elaborate; I’m here for Loui.”

“Ah. Your gay best friend.” He nodded almost jokingly. “Still, please do enjoy our performance. I’ll even dedicate a song for you.”

“Don’t.”

“Can’t stop me. Just you see, you’ll finally fall in love with me.”

You really wish that was only a joke. That it’s just a simple word. But it didn’t. You don’t know what happened to you. When Queen is the first one to perform at the music festival in London, they bewitched you. Roger didn’t even lie about dedicating a song to you. As he stated it; “This is for my girl and housemate. Sorry to get you kicked out of Jukebox; you deserve a better chance in a better band. We’ll be waiting for your application, love.”

All three of his bandmates knows who that message was directed, but they simply laugh it off, thinking no one would believe that. Although what you feel right now is bloody far from the cheery and cheeky mood that Queen radiates. You feel like your heart stopped. A storm is about to ensue and you try to run towards Jukebox’s dressing room, only to bump with the right man half-way through.

“What the fuck was that?! You say he’s just your housemate!”

“Let’s talk somewhere else, dear.”

“No! I need a word with that man if what you say is true!”

“Do you want to get Jukebox’s approval or not?! Knocking Roger’s down his drummer set will have Jukebox kill you!”

The man with light-brown curly hair finally controls his breath as he stares at you. When his emotion subsides, he drags you to the storage room.

“Move out.”

“I’ll tell Roger that you and I are dating.”

“No, you can’t. Jukebox still despises you, and that son of a bitch will leak our fucking secret like it was his own sex tape, just to bring us down and to get you. He fucking admits it in front of the audience he got you dropped out the band! You’re my fucking girlfriend! You think I’ll let him near you after all he has done to you?!”

You’re trying to rack your brain and defend Roger. What is it to defend? He is the arsehole that makes you hates him the day he set foot in that house. He did get you kicked out the band you fucking found with Loui, how, you don’t know—maybe because of Elise, Dorian’s girlfriend, that he shag that day. He almost gets you evicted too many times because Mrs Marrianne believed in his lies more than your truths. But that’s not what makes you speechless. It’s the fact that you think to defend him at all. He has been much kinder than he was before, and he has been flirting with you non-stop. How come that’s enough to get you chose him over Loui, your best friend and now boyfriend?

“Move out. I’ll find a place to live far from London for us. Alright? I will not wreak havoc. But him saying that he gets you kicked out from the band will help me change our bandmates mind about you. Things will get better once you’re away from that bastard.”

"You're right. I'll get myself ready and start packing. I don't know what"s got into me."

Loui hugged you tight as he kisses your hair. Despite hugging him back, you still can't get Roger out of your mind. More specifically, why you can't and why he's still ticking you off even though he's no longer act like an arsehole to you. The man is handsome, but you have long grown immune to his antics. Maybe because he has been getting on your nerve so much all this time that he left a mark? Would that mark matters, though? You'll move out and eventually forgets about him right?

That's how it's supposed to go. For everything to finally be right and normal. And it is, at first; the band finally listen to Loui defending you and decide to reconcile after the concert. It was all fine and dandy until one of the crew knock on Jukebox's dressing room door to reveal that Roger is looking for you.

"Hey, arsehole. Get something to say to y/n after what you did to her? Apologies?" Dorian start first, most likely because he has been personally involved without his knowledge and consent by Roger in his plan getting you voted out.

"Oh absolutely. But I'm here for more than that. That lady is booked by us, and she's expected to join us... Hmm, preferably in twenty minutes?"

"My girlfriend is not going anywhere, Taylor." You quickly stepped in between Loui and Roger. "Kindly piss off and never show your face again."

"Girlfriend? I think you're mistaken, mate—."

"No, he's not." You cut him off. The atmosphere grows heavier by the minute. The tension makes everyone suffocates. And Roger silence, even just for a couple seconds, is escalating everyone's heartbeat.

"What? Isn't the answer is obvious? Just breaks up with him."

"Yeah, mate. Stop embarrassing yourself and date the boy that makes your life miserable." Jake's adding fuel to the fire, clearly amused by the hostile situation. "Lose all your senses. Get dumped once he's bored, you know, like Dom."

The drummer's blue eyes instantly catch the figure that has spoken the name he knew well.

"What's your problem, mate?"

"No. What's your problem?" You stopped Loui for moving towards Roger. "Y/n, let go."

"Fight, fight, fight."

"Shut the fuck up, Jake." You commanded whilst you push Loui away. "Don't start anything that'll cause trouble to all of us, Rog."

Roger squint at you before turned around and walked away. Foolish to think the confrontation was the finish line. It's simply the beginning of the end. Roger confronts you again at your house which almost turned into a fist fight with Loui that's insisting to go home with you. If not for the house party Roger throws without your permission, you might rethink your decision to move out and to continue your rather toxic relationship with Loui. The bad move from Roger is enough reason for you to side with Loui instead and declare that you'll move out.

Unfortunately, the war doesn't end there. You can't simply pack your things and move out when neither you nor Loui has found a place to live yet. And the process that took longer than what you anticipated was the chance Roger's practically abuse to persuade you to change your mind. And you might if he stopped his routine bringing home new girls to bang. Although the waves are getting calmer, sign for the battle to finally end, he finally shows his human side that melts your cold attitude towards him; getting you close enough to him and finally see the seriousness of his intention on making you his.

But it's too late, you think. You've committed from the start that you have chosen Loui. Last month you moved your things was when Roger is getting desperate. He refuses to give up, to the point that he plead guilty over his shit attitude and how much he regretted it. You wish it was a lie until John told you that Roger is getting too blue and how it affects their band activities.

"I can't. I'm already with Loui."

"Okay. Then make it clear to him that you're not changing your mind."

"John, I have tried saying turning him down many times. Emphasis on tried. Rog says he's not giving up. And to be honest, it's getting harder for me."

"Then I'll talk to him. Again..."

It's finally time for you to leave. Roger is there at home, still not letting go. It's so fucking cliché it left a bad taste in your mouth on how the situation was set up; Loui waiting for you at his car, looking grumpy, whilst Roger was by the front door, pleading. It’s like a goddamn romance film tropes you hated with a passion, and you got no fucking clue what to do.

"Things still could change. There's no such thing as too late." Roger says, almost whispering.

"Give it up, Taylor. You're a bloody rockstar, plenty of shags are lining backstage." Loui snarled as he reaches for your hand. "Let's go, dear."

"Y/n?" The blonde ignored your boyfriend.

The way he called your name almost breaks you. But you still believed whatever you're feeling for him was nothing. That it'll simply pass. There are no words. The wordless goodbye where you can't even look at him without contemplating the hell you've been through and whether you're making the right choice.

From then on, you only see him from afar. Queen is growing in popularity and continue showing up in the local music channels. Jukebox eventually breaks up without your contribution even get the chance to be published. You and Loui moved a couple more times before settling back in London, already past the incident with Roger. And eventually, your last date with Loui after three years of on and off.

+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+—-—+

"I wonder how my housemate is doing." You continue. But more because you're fed up that the rain refuses to bloody end than breaking the awkward silence. “Would he forgive me if I apologize to him? That I regretted the day I stepped out of that house? That I can’t stop thinking about him and how much I miss that wanker? That I lie to both him and myself about my feelings? Do you think he will forgive me?”

There was a long silence, and Roger is trying hard to not take a side glance at you. But you see it, a pink growing on both of his cheeks. It’s obvious that he wants to be considered thinking about whether he should forgive you, but you know he will, and is finding a way to reap as many benefits as he can when you’re on the palm of his hand.

“Well? As the said housemate, what do you think?”

“Hmm? What are you thinking?” Cheeky smile growing on his lips as he finally returns your stare. “These three years I changed, you know. Harder to impress me now. You see, I’m a rockstar.”

You aren’t going to give him any chance at all. You just go for it and kiss him. You can tell he’s half-expecting it, but it still caught him off guard. He cupped your cheeks and deepen the kiss as you grab his hips. It’s a bit impossible to execute what you’re planning to do when he drowns you and showing off his kissing skill. And being the greedy man that he is, it’s too clear he also misses you as his hands roam your body like he owns it. Too bad for the both of you, you have made up your mind as you push him out the shelter and get him drenched again.

“You bitch!”

“I know you like chasing more than being chased, Rog. Catch me if and I’ll allow you to do whatever you want!” You yell as you run in the rain. His wide naughty smile as he’s getting ready to sprint makes your heart jump. You feel like screaming from the excitement, but you will not give him a challenge with that big of a prize. Except you have to stumble at something and almost fall.

“Whoa there, you alright?” He grabs your hand and waist. “Even the world will not let you run away from me anymore, y/n. Just give it up.”

You try to struggle your way out, but he won’t let you and instead, he hugs you so tightly whilst he kisses your neck and shoulder.

“Alright, alright! You won!” You laughed, he still refuses to loosen his hug. “I love you, Rog.”

The F-bomb finally does it. He turned you to face him, the two of your eyes locked that you wish lasts forever. His blue eyes’ dilated. His warm breath despite the cold weather calmed you. He grabs your cheeks, his smile grows no matter how hard he tries to hold it back.

“I love you more, y/n. You have no fucking idea.”

“Hmm, maybe a couple of ideas.”

He finally let his grin shows before he kisses you again. This time, a bit more intimately, the one that makes your heart and body ablaze. Even if he might drift away, it’ll be you that’ll refuse to let him go that easily.

End.

#queen band fan fiction #Bohemian Rhapsody Fan fiction #Queen fan fiction #Roger Taylor x Reader #queen band #Bohemian Rhapsody Film #Queen #BoRhap Fan Fiction #BoRhap #Fluff #A bit of angst #Slow burn romance #One-shot #Roger Taylor #Brian May #John Deacon #Joe Mazzello #Ben Hardy #Gwilym Lee

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kyluxtrashpit · 6 years ago

Note

1/? Valentines Day with Meme Lord went mostly well. My ex legit tried to attack us but Meme Lord made sure he won’t be bothering anyone for a long time (also I finally see why Crime Spree wants her in his *not a gang*. Like fuck, she’s terrifying if she wants to be) We grabbed a group of friends and did laser tag then we did a bunch of restaurants before we went home and I made dessert. Then I drove us wayyy out into the country side and set off fireworks (an had to hide down the cops)

(So I decided to put the full story behind a cut because a) length and b) the attack by the ex because holy fucking shit, it’s actually terrifying. Cause an abusive ex coming after someone a year later with aggressive intent? Yeah, that’s a fucking reason to be scared)

Ex attacked us when came back to the city to go skating on a lake (must have been stalking either her social media or hers). We just changed our shoes and were heading to the car when he legit came out of nowhere and screamed at us that his life has gone to hell ever since she showed up. And a bunch of other bullshit. Screaming at her to come over and fight him like a man (like wtf??? Meme Lord doesn’t look like someone who fights people. She is smoll nerd. Crime Spree is the giant) Well she basically screams back “fucking come at me you dumb sack if shit but also like not here where people will see and call the cops” and like, struts off back the way we came. I’m trying to deescalate this soon to be disaster. Then she climbs over the fence blocking off the thin ice. Yeah… he followed her. Well she turned around and told him to eat a dick, he should back down now. Well he run/stomps towards her (how’d I date someone that dumb? Idk) Well you can guess what happened next. His leg goes through the ice. You could hear the bone(?) snap(ice made a different sound) he screams because who wouldn’t??! I hate him but that’s awful. He pulls out his phone to call 911 but she snatched it and pulled a knife out of her boot(like wtf???) looks at him dead on and says, bruh, you have some apologies to make. Like, not the time! He starts swearing at her but then she starts stomping on the ice around him and he starts slipping in Says some shit like, “actually, this gonna be slow and awful if you keep this up. Nobody can hear you scream this far out”. I’m legit horrified but I can’t look away he says he’ll sue and her response? “You can apologise now and leave (me) alone now or you can do that when they pull your body out of the ice in April” He apologised, half submerged, and she called the police, saying that he was trying to rob us and fell through the ice chasing her. needless to say, he won’t be harassing me, stalking me, or breaking into my house again any time soon. Also when we got back to the car, she just casually pulls out a bunch of the stuff I was looking at but couldn’t afford while shopping out of her coat and bag. I’m 90% sure the grand total is a felony (no way she paid, I would have seen her). Like fuck, is the universe is making the years I spent with that abusive piece of shit up to me?

The more I think about it, I’m not even mad that that there was a chance that Meme Lord could have killed my ex. I’m pissed that I left him for her nearly a year ago now and he’s still tryna mess around in my life. I guess that’s character development right there

Okay so like, when I first read this I was like ‘holy shit he could have died’ but then I thought about it and like a minute later I realized that like. Okay an abusive (notably male) ex coming after someone in a confrontational (even if not yet explicitly violent) way is legit how people (especially women) die. It’s virtually textbook. So like. She honestly could have saved your life here, as well as her own. Because that’s some seriously scary shit. So honestly, be glad about it. Because if it’s been a year? Yeah, no, he’s a piece of shit and at least this way he won’t be coming after you anytime soon. I honestly think had she not done what she did this likely would’ve ended a whole lot worse for you two. Also, as a Canadian, if you chase someone smaller than you onto thin ice and fall through? You’re a moron lmao

But HOLY FUCK. This is an incredible story. And Meme Lord is honestly a terrifying genius. Like it was a hell of a risk to hope the ice would hold her weight but not his, but wow. Damn. Yeah. I am both terrified and impressed. That is an honestly terrifying story though so I’m really glad you’re both okay and that the ex has been taken care of. Jfc, wowie. This was a ride to read lmao

#wow #I'm just #yeah lmao #I've been reeling since you first sent this tbh #I'm really glad it worked out okay though #because that is honestly terrifying #and if that's what needs to happen to get this fucker to leave you alone?#then I'm glad it did #ask tag #anon #misc

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awesome-timtams · 7 years ago

Text

INFINITY WAR/AVENGERS 4 THEORY + ALL MY RANTS (SPOILERS)

because you know what? i’m not done.

i’ve come up with a theory, if only just to comfort myself. also, i’m still kinda unhappy over some things. (although this movie is really good, so please don’t judge the film too harshly based on other spoilers you’ve read. give it a chance and watch it before you form opinions please? :D )

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER CUT.

like, i’m not gonna censor myself. i’m just gonna rant. so you have been warned.

(if anybody wants me to add any tags to this post, just comment or smthin and ill do it yo)

LAST CHANCE FOR NO SPOILERS. WE COOL? OK.

just wanna say right off the bat, i’m not a comic fan. i’ve never read the comics. i don’t know shit about the comics. so all of this may come off as really stupid to comic fans, and for that, i apologise.

(also, after typing this all up, i’m realising just how negative i seem to come off this entire post? like, there were flaws, don’t get me wrong, i pointed out stuff i didn’t like, but overall this movie was really good. i fucking loved this movie. i went into the theatres really worried because there were so many characters and i was scared that it was gonna become real messy real quick and the plot would kinda be all over the place and overstuffed, but it actually worked out quite well in the end. there was a lot of humour and that’s great, because who isn’t up for humour? and it got real emotional and heartbreaking, and that was done really well so i applaud. i really do recommend going to watch this movie, because like seriously, it’s fucking good. went out of the cinemas and nearly walked straight back in to see it again)

now, theory first!

alright, so we remember how red skull ‘died’ right? he was holding the space stone, and as he’s holding it he starts to kinda ash away before he gets beamed up into space.

remember who else gets ashed?

just about everybody in the fucking movie (still not over that. god. i started fucking bawling my eyes out. was not very dignifying)

but yes, i think that they didn’t actually die? instead, they actually got transported to another universe like the red skull was? (or even better, their souls got sent to another universe, because after further research, that’s apparently what the soul stone does? and anyway, none of them got physically beamed somewhere like the red skull did. they all just faded to ash. i noticed that when wanda got ashed though, her entire being seemed to go grey for a brief couple of seconds before she turned to ash, and that kinda strikes me as what would happen if you lost the very essence of yourself? like your soul? so yeah, space stone beamed the red skull to a different universe physically, but the soul stone beamed them to a different universe…spiritually (also, i’m making this edit at 3 am in the morning so excuse if it’s just really incoherent)) because it didn’t escape anybody’s notice that none of the original avengers died right? only all the new heroes with confirmed sequels and shit did?

so i think they’re actually safe but just in a different place for now. and then all the original avengers, in the next movie are gonna do some shit and sacrifice themselves to save everybody who got ashed.

cus like, i refuse to believe they are permanently dead. i mean, c’mon. t’challa? the king of wakanda who’s arc only just got started? peter parker? when spiderman homecoming 2 has already been confirmed and is gonna start shooting soon? bucky? who’s had the whole white wolf thing/taking over the mantle as cap teased but neither were acted upon? fucking bullshit i tell you. didn’t stop me from fucking bawling my eyes out in the cinema. jfc i started crying like halfway thru the movie at gamora, escalated at bucky and then just curled into myself and died a little when peter clung on to tony. so yeah.

also i feel like they didn’t need to make the red skull come back and become the guardian of the soul stone. he wasn’t important, and was only there to give a bit of context into how to retrieve the soul stone. they could’ve easily just put a faceless character and have them do the exact same job and it would’ve made exactly zero change to the plot. so if the red skull is back, they must’ve done it for a reason. and that reason, i think, is the one i’ve been explaining above; to possibly show that being ashed isn’t gonna kill you, but instead transport you elsewhere. (also, yo, did anybody get dementor vibes when the red skull first appeared on screen?)

maybe this theory is just me being in denial over my favourites being killed god.

now onto my rants.

i thinkl loki and gamora are permanently dead. not happy about either deaths. loki’s was just…it’s just bullshit? he’s been killed and revived so many times that the emotional value of it is just not there anymore. and also, i don’t belive loki is stupid enough to go at thanos and pull a fucking pocketknife on him like, what’s that gonna do mate? and i feel loki, if he had a death scene, definitely deserved better than that. i feel like his arc kinda just got started, so him being killed off is kinda. urgh. so i’m pretty sure that loki’s not dead (cus c’mon), but at the same time if they bring him back it’s gonna be so fucking overplayed it’s gonna be like another episode of supernatural (i still love you spn but actually tho). so basically, marvel’s got themselves in a bit of a dump.

now onto gamora. idk, i’m just really not happy with the way she died? she didn’t deserve to go out like that? i mean, he sees his cause as the greater good, and people sacrifice a lot for their greater good, but still. not cool? i’m upset? gamora deserved so much more than to be tossed off that fuckin cliff? i actually reallyyyyy wanted gamora (or nebula) to be the one to kill thanos. maybe together. cus tbh fuck thanos. he fucked up their lives so hard, and what does gamora get in the end? thrown off a cliff, that’s what.

ALSO, QUILL. WHY. MATE. COULDN’T YOU HAVE DECKED THE SHIT OUT OF THANOS AFTER THEY MANAGED TO PULL OFF THE GAUNTLET??????? THEY WERE THIS. FUCKING. CLOSE. ARGHHHHHH.

also i’m still not over peter and bucky. god. bucky kinda stumbling out of the woods, and that little ‘…steve?’ before he just fucking. crumbles away. i was so fucking. no words. and i already knew peter was gonna die cus of that giRL (if you wanna see THAT rant, click here). but it was actually still so fucking heartbreaking? ‘…i don’t feel so good’ and ‘please, i don’t want to die’ as he just sobs while crumbling to ash in tony’s arms? i started bawling my eyes out (and wow take a shot every time i say that phrase in this post)

ok now onto some other things. i feel like this film sort of rendered most of ragnarok obsolete? like, (and this point was brought up by a friend so shout out to them) weren’t they trying to make it so that thor was less reliant on his weapons and more reliant on his own abilities and powers? and also, asgard. they gave us so much hope for asgard at the end of ragnarok, only to have it dashed apart in the beginning of infinity war. asgard? more like…asGONE. ba dum tss. (shitty joke i know but that’s how i cope). also. where. the fuck. is valkyrie?? i swear to god if she’s dead imma cut a bitch.

also, i’m sort of upsetti clint didn’t show up in this movie. BUT. they mentioned at the beginning of the film that clint was off with scott to do some other shit regarding their families or smthin, which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, clint might actually show up in ant-man and the wasp. so, looking forward to that.

so yes, i feel like i’ve been quite negative throughout this post, so here’s a couple paragraphs dedicated to all the good things about this movie and my experience and why i love it.

post-credits scene was? like, maria being ashed shook the whole cinema? and nick fury’s being ashed got me upset right up until the point where he swore and that kinda loosened the mood up. he’s so chill about everything i s2g. and that captain marvel insignia drop at the end was amazing. had the whole theatre shook. so yes, good post-credits scene.

they did emotions really well? especially in the last 20 mins, when everybody is being ashed, like, i cried. a lot. some of the emotions just came so clearly across the screen, and you could really feel what the characters themselves were feeling at the moment. some of the scenes were truly heartbreaking and beautiful (JUST, QUICK BREAK TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO TOM HOLLAND FOR HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE? THANK YOU.)

the humour in this movie is fucking outstanding, but they never got in the way of the emotional scenes. the jokes were hilarious, and didn’t feel shoehorned in. they had the cinema rolling, and honestly, it was great. also, can i just say that quill being jealous of thor’s masculinity is fucking hilarious. and dr strange and tony going at it and trying to beat each other in who’s the most arrogant and all-knowing was fucking amazing, so kudos. anD ALSO. BRUCE AND HULK? FUCKING AMAZING. LOVED THEIR INTERACTIONS TBH. i would quote lines right now but i’m kinda fuzzy about them and i hate nothing more than misquoting so.

also. THOR. THOR. HIS ENTRANCE INTO WAKANDA IS SO FUCKING BADASS AND I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING ABOUT IT? IT’S SO BLOODY COOL, HOW HE JUST SWOOPS IN ALL DRAMATIC AND SHIT WITH HIS NEW AXE AND LIGHTNING AND JFALKGJRIOA yeah that was awesome.

i feel like i haven’t ever seen a movie with the audience as engaged as they were today. like, when certain characters showed up on screen the audience lost their shit and started whooping and clapping and shit. and when tony got stabbed i s2g the entire cinema just. stopped breathing. so yeah, good experience, fun times, loved it, really got me in the mood tbh.

i think i just about covered everything i wanted to say in this post? (and wow, this is a real bit of a giant brain dump. i just started typing anything that came to mind) maybe i’ll add to it if i think of anymore things, because i still feel like i have more to say even though i can’t really say anything right now. if any of you wanna talk, just message me and i’m up to listen lol.

this whole post took me the better half of three hours ( it’s also > 1500 words, and wow, i could’ve used all this time to finish my english assessment oops), so imma just go and do my homework like the good child i am (hah).

tldr; everybody who was ashed is actually alive, original avengers are gonna sacrifice themselves in avengers 4 to save the ashed kids, ragnarok was obsolete, im not happy with people’s deaths, clint might appear in ant-man and the wasp, this movie is really good and i fucking love it, feel free to msg me if u wanna talk and i’ve wasted too much time on this post. (this was still a really long tldr but i ranted for 1000 words so what can you do)

have a good one. (wow, extra aussie today aren’t we?)

#infinity war spoilers #a:iw #infinity war #mcu #marvel #infinity war theory #avengers 4 theory #spoilers #timtams speaks #timtams rants

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princess-cordelias-writingblog · 7 years ago

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YOUR DARK SIDE. (Void!Stiles x Reader)

A/N: THIS IS SICK (that gif makes me sweat jfc) Also, I changed a lot but I don’t think I need to tell you that bc is not really important lmao. I split this into several parts, 1 bc I haven’t had time to write more and I don’t actually know how to get to the end of this and 2 it is very long compared to my other writings, @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @sarcxstic-stilinski thought you guys might wanna read this <3

This is for @roseringleader13 hope you like this part. <3

Words: 2,196

Warning: NOT A HAPPY STORYLINE. This whole plot is kinda about an abusive relationship?? between Void and reader? beware, the reader might have a suicidal wish and low self-esteem. Pretty much obsessed with the boy lmao.

Listen to me.

Part I / Pt. II / Pt.III / Pt.IV

How much pain are you willing to stand for someone?

I’m a good person, I have good grades and always listen to what my mom says, I help my friends when they’re in trouble and I’ve never talked shit about a person in my life. Until now.

My friends and I fight against supernatural things all the time, everything that was always there to cause us pain and terror was defeated at some point, we stuck together through thick and thin, and that was all that matters.

You may have noticed how I keep saying “we”. I’m not exactly talking about my friends, I’m really only talking about him. This guy has been my friend since the very beginning; we are as close as my awkwardness allows, but the problem is that I’m in love with Stiles and I have no interest in being just a friend.

I can’t recall when I started to have these feelings for him, I know that at some point I saw him in the hall and the “Holy shit, He’s beautiful” hit me with no prior notice, but to say that I can remember exactly how I fell in love?, I can’t.

However, the sudden realization of my true feelings for the boy didn’t scare me away, in fact, they were keeping me close, holding me tight beside him and never breaking the contact, hoping that we would be together at the end.

“Hi there, y/n/n,” Stiles sat at the girl’s side, nudging her teasingly

“How’s life?”

“Good, what about you?” The girl slid closer to him, very aware of how her cheeks flushed.

“I- uh, I haven’t slept well recently,” He sighed “I’m tired, and having trouble concentrating at school and stuff.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” Y/N frowned.

“I’m aware of that” Stiles replied drily “Look, I’ll be fine I just need a few good hours of sleep and then I’ll be as good as always.”

“Why don’t you go see a doctor?”

“There’s no need, I promise I’m fine”

“Stiles, you can’t know that. What’s wrong with looking for a professional opinion anyway?” Her hand automatically reached for his, which he accepted, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb.

“Y/N...” He mumbled tiredly.

“She’s right though,” Lydia said, glancing up from her phone “You have no way to know that whatever is happening to you is just from lack of sleep, it could be something more.”

Stiles shifted awkwardly in his chair, biting his lip, Y/N wished they were the only ones on that table so no one could interrupt them.

“If you really think I should... I guess it’ll be okay”

And there it was, the real problem. Stiles’ undying love for Lydia Martin. At this point, I should’ve moved on and found a cute guy with good intentions and a huge heart, unfortunately, that was all he was. The sweet boy Stilinski, always there for everyone, the hero of every story. The feeling of having him so close yet so far was unbearable, I had a plan too just like he had one for Lydia. A three-year-long plan in which Stiles was going to notice me and figured on his own how significant I was in his life, by the time we were going to be on Senior year he’d be utterly in love.

I admit I started to grow bitter, the grudge I held against both of them wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t fair for either of them. I was being childish and stupid, they were my friends!; I found myself holding back from rolling my eyes everytime Stiles stared at the girl when he was talking with me, and clenching my fists whenever she said something remotely nice to him. There was this dark, heavy thing growing bigger and bigger with each passing day, consuming my heart, my rage was starting to be completely out of control.

Lydia was everything I couldn’t. Brave, smart, beautiful... I couldn’t compete with her. I didn’t want to.

We soon figured what was wrong with Stiles.

“An evil fox?” Y/N said, not able to believe it “Are you telling me that Stiles is being possessed by the evil spirit of a fox?”

“This is not funny Y/N, Stiles could die” Lydia scolded “don’t you care about what could happen to him?”

“I care more than you know” She growled, the smile disappearing completely of her face “You know I’d do anything to keep him safe.”

“And yet you’re not doing anything to find him.” Isaac mumbled.

Before they got the chance to get into an argument, Scott stopped them.

“The plan is to bring him back before it’s too late, Stiles has been holding on for too long, at this point is very likely that the Nogitsune has more power over him.”

“Yeah but if I find him, How am I supposed to stop him? I, a seventeen-year-old girl, whose only supernatural power is the will to stand all this bullshit” Y/N’s comment was not well received by her friends, that groaned in exasperation.

“Just be sure to have a way to contact us in case you find something helpful,” Scott grabbed his own phone and walked out of the room, Lydia following behind, giving her an apologetic smile.

“Ugh, fuck off,” Y/N thought, not in the mood to accept Lydia’s kindness.

What did Lydia have that she didn’t? What made her worthy of his heart, or what made me her unattractive to him, Y/N was so tired of being ignored, she was exhausted to see all her or so call “friends”, treating her like she was an inconvenience. The little human who was not even good at research like Stiles was, Y/N held her breath and count to ten, her blood boiling with impotence.

It was getting darker and still no sign of Stiles. I entered every abandoned building I could find, I looked around the forest and in my last attempt, I even checked his house in case he had a glint of sanity and decided to go back, but there was nothing.

I went home feeling defeated, just thinking about what could possibly be happening to Stiles in that very same moment gave me goosebumps, I was hoping that Scott could find him fast when I found him in my living room.

“Stiles! Where the fuck have you been?” Y/N dropped her bag and stood there in shock, “I’ve been worried sick, you disappeared and we thought you died!”

“Well, I can assure you I’m not dead” He looked like shit, dark circles under his eyes and dry lips, Y/N was surprised he could stay conscious “I need your help, Y/N/N”

The light in the room flickered when Stiles walked slowly to where the girl was, he looked at her up and down and licked his lips, the broken expression soon turning into a small, dark smile.

Suddenly realizing what was happening, she let him walk until they were face to face, knowing it wasn’t good but so terrified she couldn’t move a muscle to save her life.

“You’re not Stiles” she whispered in anger “You’re the other thing... Void.”

“Hi there,” He replied in a calm voice, looking at her hungrily “I’ve been waiting to officially meet you for too long”

“You’re despicable” Y/N had the urge to run to the opposite side, but she was so angry with this thing possessing the boy she loved that her emotions took control on her actions. “Why are you here?”

“Because of you.” He said, voice clear and intimidating.

“Y-you what?”

Time seemed to stop when he took a final step, his face so close now she could see the darkness in his eyes. “I’ve been feeding of this boy for so long, and I’ve been able to see his life, all the people around him, so many accidents and death surrounding this kid that it was impossible for me not to want him, but you, you’re something else.”

“I know your heart,” He whispered seductively “I can see you love this boy and want desperately to have him just for you,” He tilted his head and pulled her closer, his face buried in her neck. Being able to perceive the dark feelings coming out of the girl, he moaned “I’m starving Y/N, and your anger is overwhelming... I’m sure we could get to an agreement”

Y/N wanted to scream, she wanted to kick and punch and bite as much as she could until Scott finally appeared kicking down the door or something heroic as hell like he used to, her heart was pounding against her chest and Stiles had such a tight hold on her neck she was sure it could break it in a second.

“Let me go!” She grabbed his wrist and tried to get him off herself, but it was useless.”Stiles!”

“I’m not Stiles!” He snarled, grip becoming tighter “You think you have any chance to fight against me? you’ll die as soon as you try to escape and you know it.”

“You won’t kill me, I-I’m his friend” Y/N choked out “He would never hurt me”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” He said, grabbing her waist with his free hand and smiling wickedly “he doesn’t care.”

“You’re lying” The girl tried to push him in a desperate attempt to make him trip, but Void was faster, he slammed her against the wall, the pain stunned her enough for him to take her to her room with no objections.

“Why would I?” He replied, “I’m in control now, but he can hear and see everything as well, he knows your feelings and is disgusted by them.”

Her heart shattered at his words, of course she had always known that Stiles didn’t like her back, but being actually disgusted? that was enough to make her want to erase herself from existence.

“You’re free to think he’s fighting against this, but he’s not” He closed the door and pushed her against it, rubbing her cheek “it’s such a shame that you’re wasted like this, living in the shadows of a boy who is not interested in having you.”

“Please” Y/N begged, she didn’t want to hear anything else, it was too cruel.

“I’m giving you an option, dove” He licked his lips anxiously “you’ll never have what you want, he’s too out of your reach. I however am willing to let you have him if you give me what I want.”

“I-I don’t understand...”

“Let me take all that darkness in you, and you'll have Stiles for you and only for you, of course, you will not be able to talk to him or feel his presence since I’m the one in charge now, but- look at me, Y/N” He grabbed her face aggressively, forcing her to see the face of the boy she loved, now completely different from what she remembered “this is all you got.”

“He’s right,” Y/N thought.

Stiles didn’t love her, didn’t want her around, even after all those times when she tried to convince him that she was the right choice, even after she was the one he called when things got complicated, Stiles simply couldn’t see it, he didn’t want to see.

And Y/N loved him so much, so desperately, that she found herself sinking in despair, knowing that her only wish in life was never going to happen, it destroyed her, the last remnants of her sanity finally disappearing.

“If I help you... Will I die?”

Void’s smile grew wider, his eyes with a wild glint that she couldn’t ignore, making her shudder.

“I need you to feed me, the boy is too weak now... we need you, you want to take care of him, this is how you’ll do it” He put a stray of hair behind her ear “which means, I can’t kill you.”

“What’s gonna happen to Stiles?” Y/N felt herself drowning in empty lies, but it felt so good to have Stiles like this, so close to her body.

“I’ll leave his body eventually.” He seemed to be hiding something important, but at that point, Y/N didn’t mind.

What things would you do to be with the person you love?

She looked into those honey brown eyes, and soon enough she realized there was something missing, but she also noticed that this was the first time Stiles looked at her with such intensity, and her mind went blank. Drunk with his scent and proximity, she nodded, one last tear falling down her face.

“Good girl” Void whispered.

Before she could react, Void grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her fiercely, dominating every movement and making very clear who was in charge. While Void kissed her, she felt as if she was being drained, a strange emptiness taking over her body, but at the same time, the overwhelming sensation of having Stiles’ lips on her own, was enough to distract her from any possible danger.

Things were about to go worse than expected.

#void stiles revolution #teen wolf imagine #stiles x reader #void stiles fic #My writing

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elboyo-blog · 7 years ago

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About Youtube Rewind

Right so… youtube rewind 2017 is out. Everyone’s favourite end of year tradition, showcasing all the trends people were talking about, and all the topics and creators on the site that cultivated the community around to make youtube stand ou…

I should stop. This is all bullshit as I am aware you all know, yourtube rewind is, was and always will be throwaway ‘look at us we’re unique!’ shite, but this years was especially aggravating. It really boiled down a reality that has been creeping up on us for a while. Youtube rewind 2017 just shows that youtube doesn’t want to be youtube. Of course that could be seen that last year, for example the whole Dwayne Johnson at the start but I believe that can be justified with the fact that Dwayne has a channel just for himself, what isn’t justifiable from last year at least is the fucking talk show hosts like trevor noah and Seth ‘cumstain’ myers. This only gets worse and worse with this years entry however. But I’m getting ahead of myself, lets just break it down (tl;dr at the bottom)

overview (This will be the most chronological so watching along helps)

Right so off the fucking bat the vid starts with a Stephen Colbert(Not a youtuber) talking to Lele Pons (A viner and Instagram star who flocked to youtube where that ship sank) and some girl beside (I think she’s popular but I don’t know her), we then see some random girl run into the room and start the cue to ‘Despacito’ which I can see why it is there at least, as it sprung to the highest viewed it can have justification. It then cuts to some people dancing and switching shots locations and people (one of which is that one DJ marshmallow or whatever who, again, isn’t a youtuber). It stops at KSI (Who I’ll get too) using a fidget spinner (which ill also get too) with some some vloggers/IG stars beside him (probably). Oh, hey Rhett and Link. We then get showcased to a slime playground of sorts. I have no fucking clue if this was a trend at all. The only thing I can link this too is all the ‘homemade slime’ tutorials I always hear about. The only thing I really got was ‘Wow! Muselk is thicc’ but other than that the whole thing I think was pointless. Then, for some reason, they put rinestones on their faces? Again, was this a trend? Like, was there a whole underground rinestone craze that slipped under people’s noses? Like most things though, I doubt if it was a trend it even started on youtube. Anyway, they do the dua lipa thing, go to Africa, uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube, do dance crazes during said ‘uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube’ that didn’t originate on youtube and HEY! The eclipse was a thing right? EventhoughthatprimarilyhappenedintheUSthereforealienatinganyrelatabilitythatyoutubewasgoingfor buuuuuut I digress. They do do one thing right which is the whole meme graveyard idea (fitting, I know) parodying the video for the worst tayloer swift yet (nothing beats love story fight me) oooooooh but then the DAB! They hit that DAB! Into yet another ‘uuuuuuuugehiehehiihesfiefbfrbeube’. Oh cool poopy’s there. Don’t know who that other person is but maybe it’s a new character in the poppy lore or maybe its just a person I don’t know or maybe recognise. The whole hurricane Harvey thing they pull next is insulting to the point ill reserve a whole section to it. Skipping that we go to a roof party with the DJ and the fidget spinner, a perfect almagimation of all that isn’t youtube based trends, seriously the dj could maybe be related as he uses youtube as an outlet for his music but fidget spinners were a physical thing! It was a brand! Literally this year’s version of silly bandz! Yes Susan, include this! Very youtube, much wow! Fuck off. Anyway, we see the party is home to the biggest twats of youtube, team 10 and the pauly boys (Note: that’s a nice band name). with them on the roof are stars that again, didn’t start on youtube. Most of them are viners and/or IG stars with like one or two from fine bros React (I shit you not if you look in the back there’s the old guy from elder’s react). We cut to more slime bois (hey Tomska). When they cut back, (yes holy shit it is the guy form elders react! Jfc) and they do their sick moves like the floss, a move YouTube claims to have homebrewed as well (come on guys, Katy Perry tried to claim it first). Hey, look its every 14y/o girls wet dream. More slime boyos. I think KEEM screams the floor is lava but… that trend was an IG trend wasn’t it or like the last vine trend, but it got Ol’ Yellered, like, just because Fine Bros do a youtubers react to it doesn’t make it a YouTube thing! Jeez louis. Big Shaq’s there, that’s neat. Some filler dancing and cuts when they cut back to the graveyard reinforcing that is it a graveyard for dead memes which I have problem with, because that would insinuate that ‘All Star’ died this year. No, it didn’t, and as long as Steve Harwell is still on God’s green earth no it won’t, yes its popularity has dulled but it was actually a meme that just faded away, cropping up every once in a while, its survival is different to similar trends like ‘We Are Number One’ which can make people I know physically wince when heard. All star didn’t die, it’ll be back if it even left in the first place. More vloggers and traditionally attractive people flash by as a whole recap happen of the torment thrusted upon me. The last live action sketch is Lele and her friend greet the non-youtuber rounding out the production. The credits are actually the best part of this however as we see different pseudo-animators (think more odd1s out, less Psychicpebbles), such as Extra Credits, Tabbes, Jaidenanimation, Odd1sout, Rebecca Parham, ItsAlexClark and Simon’s cat. Though their subject matter is just as pander-y shite as the whole vid you can see the effort in their animation and it’s nice to see that youtube finally removed the dildo it has been shoving up most youtube animator’s asses for the last 3-5 years (but by ‘removed’ I really mean they just slapped a sign on it that says ‘here at YouTube, we love our animators!’ and pretend they solved the problem.

Dead fucking memes/(hate to use the phrase but) irrelevancy

The Dab, fidget spinners, shooting stars with more probably but it was hard to see during my stroke, point is, YouTube is out of touch and has zero self-awareness when it comes to memes and trends

I know the word sounds pretentious as hell but seriously, here’s a my honest-to-god reaction of who I saw on screen

· Not a youtuber

· Don’t know

· Despactio guy 1

· Don’t know *3

· Despacito guy 2: electric boogaloo

· Don’t know *2

· Dj boi

· Vannos

· Don’t Know *4 Ft. Lincoln

· Don’t know *3

· Quick flashes of the great unknown

· KSI and his favourite toy (not counting NetNobody’s dick)

· Don’t know *6 (Empire was better)

· Another 3 I don’t know but there is that one guy who screams a lot, think his names guacamole or something

· @rhettandlink and another guy, classic trio

· Don’t know*2

· Don’t know*slime

· Don’t know* rhinestone

· Hey, its @a-kind-ale-war

· Africa – Toto

· Slo mo guys among the dead meme cosmos

· Otherwise, you guessed it, no clue

· Don’t know * field

· Don’t know any of the eclipse crew

· @caseyneistat

· God’ wrath in the form of comets coming to smite us as failed creations

· YouTube Is Shutting Down My Channel and I'm Not Sure What To Do

· His beautiful bastards (nameless in my lack of knowledge)

· 6 zombies that died in obscurity, nameless and unknown, ‘tis a shame

· Why I left Smosh

· The cosmos of people I don’t know

· KSI’s brother

· Poppy

· A DC lawsuit

· Mooooooooorrrrrreeeeee spaaaaaaccceeeee

· A youtube circle jerk of self-righteousness (more on that later)

· People holding hands

· The shitty vine family

· Team 10 bitch who the hell are flipping you

· The other one

· Shitty IG ‘Comedy’ Squad

· Black guys and backpack kid (Note: another good band name, though it needs tweaking)

· @thetomska getting face fucked

· Victims of the great slime massacre (slime control now!)

· Old guy from react

· Don’t know*roof party

· Every teenage girls wet dream/gay ship

· Daniel Keem saying floor is lava

· Lava victims

· A very cold rapper

· Don’t know but has a sword

· More zombie boys

· A cluster of people 2012

· Forehead in the back again (sorry jack)

· @markiplier

· Why I gave the pope Undertale

· A finale of people I don’t know being absorbed by the cosmos

· Neato mosquito animators

As you can see a good majority of the stars I doubt much people know, probably only chosen for the brand friendliness which begs the question…

Exclusions/double standards

A lot of people were excluded from this year’s rewind, which isn’t a surprise in the slightest. This issue was brought up last year as well, but with this year it showcases some hypocrisy with possible reasons to exclude folks. Firstly, KSI, he had the whole beef with NetNobody (the greatest Minecraft youtuber there is) but Netnobody was excluded, it couldn’t be numbers or presence as before retiring, Adam had about 11 million subs, maybe he declined, like most sane people would, or maybe because he neither pulls the views or the family friendly influence that he used to. Its safe to assume Ricegum and IDubbbz got rejected by choice, again sanity, or because of their beef, which is again hypocritical of the site as KSI was allowed on fine and Keem along with the Paul brothers aren’t the angels of Youtube either. Again, it seems YouTube is really trying to push this family friendly goofball persona which is perfect for the weird kids and the cool kids which is true but is only really surface level in the rewind and the reality isn’t really shown otherwise. Also fuck that Nazi racist Pewdiepie amirite ladies?

Hurricane Harvey debacle

I believe this is honestly the most insulting aspect of the rewind. Though it had good intentions it just highlights YouTube’s utter ignorance. Not to pull a PJW but this is dictionary definition virtue signalling. Youtube makes themselves out to be all together, yes youtube, you are the most influential platforms of our generation, cat videos and make-up vlogs can save the world! In all seriousness though this is one of the most botched poorly executed thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m counting HWNDU. For one thing the tone and flow is horrible, the segment is frankenstiened into the middle of the video and puts a halt on the relatively well paced video, and is followed by a radical hip and swaggity dance party yeah! As if the whole was a task by the team and when they were down with it they thought; “right, that’s over with. Back to the fun and cool stuff yeah!” if they kept the pace by putting the thing just before the credits as to highlight the message at the end and while everyone’s lifted by the message they’re treated to the credits and the talents of the wonderful animators. However, that would only make the segment flow correctly as, in my opinion, it comes off as quite nepotistic to big creators. A method they could’ve done is before they filmed or edited anything they could’ve announced to fans and viewers to send in webcam clips and videos of them holding hands in unity or saying unity, showing a UNITY between fans and creators. That said this brings me to my conclusion;

Conclusion

Youtube doesn’t want to be youtube, it wants to be a family and advertiser friendly site for all to come, it wants to be seen as a beacon for ALL internet trends and ideas and it wants to be seen as a user and creator friendly platform. But youtube isn’t this, and youtube hates that. This year has seen the worst year in the sites history for user treatment and contact showing double standards with actual users and companies such as talk show hosts, with things like the adpocolypse rumoured trending tab rigging and trending tab blacklists. Along with this is the, as I said, nepostistic outlook on creators, with youtube success being less and less consistency based and more and more luck based on one video blowing up and staying that way, and trending (along with youtube in general), should facilitate a rise in creators and ideas instead of promoting channels who already have 5-6 million subs and censoring a lot of voice directly or indirectly. With no other options for video site (realistically, nobody uses vimeo or dailymotion and fucking rip vidme) youtube’s current state is more dire than ever and their push for a false identity within an identity crisis for the site is very obvious. This alongside their cowardice and compliance with controversy like in the nazi Pewds situation is showing to be really damaging.

Tl;dr: get a fucking backbone youtube and stop pretending to be something that you’re not.

#youtube #youtuberewind #idubbbz #rant

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cj-rogers · 7 years ago

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locked,

[ [So Charlie Jo's spent a good time in detention calming down. Really she's calm.

Maybe all she needed was to hurt Miguel to feel a little better? lol

Maybe she should get a Miguel shaped punching bag?

Also detention served her well, because she was finally gaining some speed on her Dicken's report.

And to clarify, this wasn't just a one time in school detention.

Charlie Jo was going to be isolated for the next two weeks.

And so long as it didn't get back to her parents, she was going to be fine, right?

So wasn't just slowly unraveling into a shitstorm child, right?

This was just normal stuff, right?

Except Charlie Jo had never spent more than two days in detention. She never flunked a class. And she was, to her knowledge an pleasant student....

And it's bullshit, to begin with why she was there. She only pushed Miguel into a locker. JFc. And he deserved it. But the principal was such a freak about it. "Violent acts of outburst" and "Zero tolerance policy" Charlie Jo had to hold in her laughter in that conference.

Because it wasn't just a random act of outburst.

Like come On.

He can't just take Merry to homecoming. It's not fucking right. He was supposed to take Winnie. And IT WAS STILL A RINGING QUESTION of:

Why the fuck did Merry say yes in the first place?

So we're at Charlie's locker. Yay. And it's the end of the day. Yay. And there's a judge-y huff behind her. Yay.

And she could feel the heat from behind her, the heat of a ticking Tiff bomb. And in order to save time on the ticking, Charlie Jo whipped right around and met girlfriend with a smile, and a nice pulling of her waist because this is what she wanted, right? Attention. Give her attention. When you skip out on Equipment Room Time, you give attention.

Wrong. Charlie's met with a frown, and a step back, and she can read it on Tiff's face. "We need to talk."]

What's wrong?

You were in detention??

[ Tiff’s expecting Charlie to explain, but this is Charlie Jo, you're going to have to ask her what you want her to say. Like, come on. So a gulp because is it safe to even explain? Not even a nod, right now lbr.]

Was it worth it?

[ And Charlie's let go of the waist and any smile on her face has disappeared.]

No. Not if I'm honest. I mean, would detention ever be worth the crime??

[ And a dark chuckle from this jealous waiF.] Well, it was enlightening to me to say the least.

[ Tiff's anger is showing even more. Tiff's sentence is a little too vague for Charlie anyways. And she's definitely sure as fuck not saying anything.

Like if you have bad news, and the tone in your voice is saying so, Cj doesn't want to hear it, and she's not going to ask about it. She's going to deflect, she's going to turn her head away and take some steps back into her locker because this does not sound good.]

It had me questioning. Why were you in there to begin with? Apparently, I missed a giant scene earlier today. But it couldn't be true, right? Why would my girlfriend attack Miguel Rivera? Why would she be spending so much time with the Warner girl? Why has she been distant-- and you can't blame your parents for that one, Charlie.

[ And now it's completely evident that Tiff's mad at her. Great. The air is extremely uncomfortable and Tiff's biting at her lip and everything's wrong, Charlie can feel it.]

And you know, it's really got me wondering about how you haven't said it back to me.

[ And a scoff, because heRE WE GO, time to unWILLINGLY FACE OUR PROBLEMS.]

You haven't, Charlie.

[ And Charlie's opened her mouth to defend herself but, she's not allowed words, like finger up at Cj, like Maddox.]

To be clear, I'm not asking you to. I'm not. [ A finger shake.] But I would like to understand why, because if it's me I can deal with that, but if it's because of something else I think it may be, then I can't do this anymore. I mean, this was supposed to be fun, but ask yourself, Charlie, are you having fun anymore?

[ And Charlie is like two seconds away from kicking her locker out of frustration because WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.] What if I'm just not ready to say it? Could that not be a logical possibility?

Could be. But I'm not willing to put my faith in that.

[ And a slight silence and Charlie's still looking away.] What are you putting you faith in otherwise?

My intuition, and all the other context clues around me.

[ A huff and she’s still looking away, but there is a set of cut eyes.] Which lead to what conclusion, Nancy Drew?

You can't tell me you love me because you love someone else.

[ And Charlie's almost too quick in shaking her head. Literal violent head shaking madness.] No I don't.

I think, maybe I would have been okay with it, if you could just be fucking honest with yourself and with me.

I think you're letting stupid things and people get to you and you're overthinking us. And I think you have been overthinking us for a while now. [ It's a little too stern.]

Do you want to know what I think? I think you love Beau's sister. [She's not gonna say her name.] I think you always have, I don't think you'll ever get over that. And I think you've been lying to me this whole fucking time.

[ Hearing this, you can only imagine is giving Charlie Jo and enormous headache, and a pounding in her ears and she is going to go insane if she hears Merry's name again.]

I have gotten over it. [ mORE vIOLENT hEAD SHAKING.]

Then why is she still finding ways to mess with your head, Charlie? Why is it still affecting you? If you're over it, then fucking be over it.

It's not affecting me. [ A nice heavy exhale like damn.] She's not doing anything! She wants nothing to do with me, and I want nothing to do with her. I've told you this. I wouldn't do that to you. I told you, I wouldn't hurt you like that.

I may believe that you want to be with me, because without this feeling~ stuff, we have fun. And I told you to not tell me your feelings about me.

So fine, let's have fun. Start over. Whatever.

It's not enough anymore, Charlie. Seeing you leave detention with rumors of you pushing a guy for her... I think it's pretty clear.

[ And Charlie could scream. The frustration with this girl. Holy shit. She pushed Miguel for WINNIE--let’s tell yourself that Cj.

And she's not ready-- not comfortable in having this conversation no. And even if she was slightLY fucking torn over the whole Merry GOING TO HOMECOMING thing, she wasn't going to lose her steady gf choice, nAH. So with Beau's words in mind from a previous conversation with him, she's plunging head first.]

I love you, okay? Is that what you want to hear. Is that good enough for you? I said it. Can we stop this? [ And that's a scowl, as Tiffany is backing off and shaking her head, because no, that’s not what she wanted. She didn’t want a forced declaration. She wanted something real, but seriously Charlie can’t read this. And this can not be happening, Charlie Jo cannot lose her girlfriend. She's already had a shitty day. A real shitty day. Just no.

So as Tiffany's pulling out of that conversation, Charlie Jo is looking like a complete psycho freak in front of everyone? idk who cares? As she's grabbing that girl's face and staring her straight in the eyes and repeating those three words in a very deliberate manner over and over until her point is across. but there's no point to be made, right? It’s when Tiffany's finally shut her eyes that Charlie's given up, hands at her side.]

How many times do have to say it? I don’t know how to make you happy. I don’t know what you want from me.

I want you to mean it, Charlie.

[And anOTHer black look from Charlie Jo.] I can't believe you're letting something stupid get in the way-- [And a headshake.]

I can't believe I was stupid enough to get in the way of you and Merry Bravo.

[ Charlie could hit a wall right now.]

And I'm not going to anymore. I told you from the beginning you weren't going to break my heart, and I wouldn't break yours.

I thought that was just a dramatic one-liner you were dropping to sound cool.

[ There's a flash of a smile from the girl, because it was.] I'm not doing this anymore Charlie. I'm not sitting on the sidelines while you play something out with someone else.

Tell me, what the fuck am I playing out?? Because I don’t get i--

--It's over, Charlie.

[ And it’s hAPPEN. The moment Beau Bravo has been waiting for. There’s a very poisonous look from Tiffany and she is really serious.]

You can't just break up with me.

Watch me.

[ And Tiffany's sauntering off, kinda like that, but she has clothes on. Not a towel. Roll with it.

She's left with a cruel smirk and Charlie Jo has no other way but to take it out on everything else around her.

The literal throwing of her things to the ground.

And then she turned to her locker.

So the first slam was for experiencing her first break-up ever.

The second slam was for Tiffany's smirk and losing the fight in general.

The third was for Charlie Jo herself as she lied and lied and for nothing. It was all for nothing.

The fourth was for Tiffany for saying Merry's name.

And the fifth and final slam was for Tiffany being right about everything.

So the locker certainly had enough of the slamming, and now, as she tried to shut it, the door seemed as if it were completely unhinged. So the defeated Charlie Jo spun back around, sunk to the ground and replaced the slamming of the locker door with the back of her head. Just for good measure.]

#locked #nail in the coffin

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shadow-storm-wolf · 5 years ago

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Personal BS

Well, this side blog was set up for personal shit esp dealing with my ex. No i never figured out a tag i wanted to use. Putting shit under a cut if mobile lets me. Also is too late to give a shit about my damn punctuation and caps. I am way too fuckin far into fuckit land.

Jfc i don't even know where to start. I have all these spinning thoughts in my head and so much visceral -anger- that is left over. We were married for ten. Fucking. Years. How much of that time did i spend crying? How often did i askk for help i never fucking got? How. Fucking. OFTEN.

Tonight the thing that digs its claws into my brains and scream to the sky. I may have hid when i was crying- had far too much of the "you're just crying to get your way" bullshit thrown into my face even before he came into my life- but we're both empaths. Or so he claimed.

If he is such a damn good empath then why the FUCK did he never hear my gd pain. I screamed into the pack sense, into the very damn air between us that hung thick with everything that wasn't Actual Physical Air. And. Either he couldn't fucking hear me or he didn't fucking care, and I don't know what hurts worse. Was it that he always had to be Better at the thing? Do more, be more Badass. Fucking fucker callous fuckhead who crawled into my LIFE.

I spent TEN DAMN YEARS trying to figure out what i could change, how i could be better, and trying to figure out what i wanted and how i could be more Myself. And to fucking absolutely NO ONE'S surprise, those things were not the same damn thing. I failed to be his perfect little fucking housewife. Failed to be the perfect mom. Failed to support every single inch of his endeavors on every petty thing.

It's been 3 fucking years. I despise that he still holds so much fucking sway in my head. That i can't be around people who are angry without being Afraid. That I can't hear screaming and not want to flinch. That when people ask me why the fuck i do a thing, i can't help but be defensive, be on my guard. Wonder if they're wanting to know why because once they know they can "fix" me. Or change me. Or make me question myself and every little thing i do.

I have spent 3. Damned. Years. Trying to learn how to let myself feel again. And I've only made any sort of progress in the last ~ 6 months.

I want to hate him for making me doubt myself.

I want to hate him for gaslighting me.

I want to hate him for knowing that if it were up to him, i will never see my kids again. And that I will have to fight to prove myself enough for even a visitation.

I want to hate that he "tried to help deprogram me" and actually compounded a significant amount of issues.

I despise him for leading me to believe that he would have urged me into counseling much earlier if he'd thought I'd be "more receptive to the idea".

I despise that i felt like i wasn't Enough and that I felt like i couldn't ask for help on how to be a Good Mom for our kids. And that when I finally had the courage to ask, i was treated as if "i shoulda known by now". "How did i not figure this out before". "Why did you not ask before this"

I DUNNO. MAYBE I NEVER FELT LIKE I COULD ASK. MAYBE I HAD ASKED BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FUCKING WORDS TO USE TO SHOW WHAT I NEEDED HELP WITH. MAYBE I ASKED IN THE ONLY WAYS I COULD AND HOPED YOU'D BE ABLE TO FUCKING REALIZE THAT I WASN'T BEING DUMB.

I have. So much anger. And grief. I don't think I'm ready for the grief. I lost so fucking much, and i am still learning just how much i picked myself apart and sacrificed to try and make things work. To keep him happy. To keep the family that we were from fracturing.

I still feel that I failed my kids by walking away. Or that i should have walked away sooner. Or not walked away. Should have tried harder. Should have, should have. All fucking bullshit, btw.

I left when the opportunity was made available because I didn't know how to otherwise. I didn't fight him when he left me barely a sliver of parental rights because i was grateful that he left me anything at all.

I barely knew how to function those first 6 months. I went to work. Barely got through my shifts, frequently doing overtime. Spent many a night wanting to cry myself to sleep and feeling so fucking empty that i couldn't even do that much.

Couldn't hate him. Couldn't love him. Couldn't be angry, or grieve, or let myself consider a future that wasn't shoving one foot in front of another, one slow shuffling step at a time.

My pack is what pulled me through. My friends.

Not blood. Not the person who was supposed to be my mate and better half.

My pack. People who believed me when i said i had no clue what I was doing. Friends who held my hand over skype when i needed to not be alone, across several thousand miles of land and internet and ocean.

Pack, that when i stretch out to and press through the pack sense, can feel me. That when they're having a bad day, i know, and i check on them. When i have days when i can't hold back the surge of emotion i get a random message of "hey. What happened. You okay". They know, and i have been as grateful af for each of them.

Fuck him if he didn't want to listen to me on any level. Good riddance.

I am far from healed. I still have scars and wounds that never touched skin but go far, far deeper. I am still hunting for myself. Still trying to figure out what i want as an adult. Out of life in general.

But i have my pack. I have people who give a shit, and when i am failing to word a "plz help" will at least try to help me figure out what i need help with.

He may have been deaf to my screams. He may have blocked them out. He may have ignored them. I'll never know. At this rate i don't want to know. I don't want to care about him.

I'm at the point of anger that if i happened upon him being on fire, I'd pour out my bottle of water into the dirt rather than pour it on him. I can't let myself give a shit. Maybe the anger will fade in time. I dunno.

I do know i haven't figured out the read more thing. Oh fucking well. Sorry for the bitching y'all. It's personal anyway. I'll tag it and get the fuck off for the night.

#long post #ranting #this is personal af #feel free to skip #plz no rb

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