#jesus christ i've spent all day typing this up

[ceaseless-watchers-special-girl]

on knowing another

(longpost i’m so sorry guys it came to me in the shower)

There’s a vague undercurrent of a theme in the Penumbra Podcast about knowing another person. It’s subtle, but it pops up every so often. It’s shown in the way we get to know the characters, especially as we get an insight into their minds in season 3, but it’s also shown in their relationships with each other, and that’s what I want to explore a little bit more.

Peter Nureyev, as we get to know him.

In season 1, Nureyev waltzes into Juno’s life

"JUNO: out of nowhere on a beam of goddamn starlight"

in Juno’s own words, and we all see him as some incredible, untouchable, unbelievably sexy master thief who’s interested in Juno for some unknowable reason (maybe that’s the Juno kinnie speaking idk). We think he’s cool, we think he’s funny, we think he’s dangerous and we think we love him but really, we’re just interested in him. We don’t actually know him yet.

And then, we have Angel of Brahma. We see his past, from his own perspective. And that’s not how knowing another is supposed to happen, you’re not supposed to be thrust into it headfirst, but that’s what we get with Nureyev, and so one second we don’t know him, and the next, we know him better than anyone else, because we’ve seen that he isn’t perfect. Not because he was wrong to kill Mag, that’s a whole different debate, but because he was put in a difficult situation in which there was no right choice. It is impossible for any person to be perfect, and so it was impossible for us and for Juno to truly know Nureyev until we knew what made him flawed.

Diamond Hijikata

Let’s travel back in time a bit, to when Juno was with Diamond. We see Diamond Hijikata from Juno’s point of view, we know her the way Juno knew her, and it is impossible for us to know her any other way, because we only ever see her through Juno’s eyes. Juno thought Diamond was flawless. I might be projecting a little here, because I thought Diamond was flawless. Every time I listen to Embrace of Ice, I fall in love with the version of Diamond Hijikata in Juno’s head. Sometimes, she says things that don’t quite fit with that version, and I brush it off, because Diamond Hijikata is impeccable, perfect, and so even if she sounds a little condescending at times, even if she sounds like she sees Juno as a toy to play with, as a way to piss of her mother, I don’t believe it. I choose to trust her instead. Because I think I know her.

And then, we get the scene in the third part of Embrace of Ice.

“JUNO: I thought I knew who you were. DIAMOND: You do, doll. Nothing's changed. You've just... learned more.”

But everything’s changed. Diamond isn’t who I thought she was, who Juno thought she was. Her name was Diamond Hijikata, sure. She went to college. She had friends, mostly troublemakers. She liked protests, and standing up for things, and pissing off her mother. She didn’t like flaunting how privileged she was. And that paints a certain picture, doesn’t it? Of a girl who stands up for what she believes in, who uses her own privilege to help those who don’t have any, who refuses to let corrupt authority keep her down; and it’s hard not to fall in love with someone like that. But that’s not who Diamond Hijikata was.

Diamond Hijikata was bored and rebellious. Captain H says so, at the very start of Embrace of Ice.

“HIJIKATA: Doesn't believe a word of what she says when she gets like that. JUNO: I don't think so. When she gets on a tear, she's so…”

Juno doesn’t agree with her. Juno thinks Diamond thinks like he does, that she believes in what she fights for. But when those fights threaten her own life, her own privilege, she backs down, and we are struck with the ugly truth that Diamond doesn’t believe in what she fights for. She doesn’t actually want to help those who are disadvantaged. I’m not even sure she sees Juno as an equal. And the sad fact is, I don’t know who Diamond is anymore. Neither does Juno. And I don’t even know who to be mad at anymore. Diamond hasn’t broken my heart, because the Diamond I was in love with never existed anywhere except in my head. If I had to bet, I’d say Juno feels the same way. And so he doesn’t love Diamond anymore, he never did, but he doesn’t hate her either, because:

“JUNO: The older I get, the harder it is to blame someone for being the most honest version of themselves, no matter how ugly the truth is. I'll take it over a pretty lie every time.”

The thing is, Diamond isn’t a bad person. And you can hear that in her little monologue in Embrace of Ice part 3.

“DIAMOND: Because I’m not a bad person. I'm not.”

She’s right, in a sense. She didn’t really do anything wrong. She wasn’t in on her mother’s plans, she wasn’t trying to thwart Juno at every turn. All she knew was where the ballroom was. She even has a cute little story to go with it. It’s so human, so understandable. But it’s human in a way none of us expected of Diamond Hijikata, because she is not the version of her we have in our heads. If we really knew her, we wouldn’t have been surprised at her actions. So Diamond didn’t betray us, not really. She didn’t intentionally decieve Juno or intend to cause him harm. She just wasn’t who Juno thought she was. And that’s why her actions seems so surprising, why it feels like a betrayal: because we don’t know her. That’s why the thought of her hurts so much: because how are you supposed to mourn losing the person you loved if they never even existed in the first place?

(god, fuck, this whole essay began because I couldn’t stop thinking about Diamond Hijikata, she hurts me so much I can’t even decide how to feel about her. send help.)

Peter Nureyev again

We see inside Nureyev’s mind in season 3, and everyone jokes about how much of a mess he is, but the fact is we love him anyway. And we don’t love him despite it, we love him because of it, because loving another is knowing another and seeing their flaws and saying “I understand”. This ties into what Juno says to Vespa before the wedding:

“JUNO: …everyone thinks they know you, right? They make up a version of you in their heads, and if you don’t play the part right they start asking questions. Sometimes with words. VESPA: Sometimes with a look. I know. JUNO: Yeah. “What’s wrong,” “are you okay,” “you seem angry”... all that. But... I don’t know. One day I wasn’t playing the role the best and I could tell he just didn’t mind. Or... he’d already stretched the role out until it actually fit me. And I realized I’d already done the same thing for him.”

Juno knows Nureyev now. So far, he’s seen Nureyev switch between personas, seen Nureyev when he isn’t playing anyone, been inside his head, lived with him for a year and talked with him extensively about their relationship (I don’t remember any quotes for this one, but I’m pretty sure they mention it in season 3 at some point. Might be Shadows on the Ship?). He knows Nureyev, well enough that the version in his head fits Nureyev perfectly, and so Juno can be certain that the man he loves really is Peter Nureyev, and not a version of him, because he knows Peter Nureyev.

Slip Jackson

Little shift in perspective now, let’s stop focusing on Juno for a second. Slip Jackson, Nureyev’s ex, the guy who’s been driving the plot of the story for the past year or so despite being in a coma. He’s Nureyev’s first love, and he and Nureyev spend a lot of time toying with the idea of knowing each other. They knew each other when they were kids, about 10 years old, and they meet again 6 or 7 years later by chance. A lot has changed in that time — it might not seem like a lot to an adult, but kids develop rapidly, and don’t stop until about 25, so  they’ve both really changed since they saw each other last, and they’ll continue to change. They’re young, and still learning who they are (god, it feels so weird to write that when I’m not much older, but anyways).

And so when Nureyev learns that Slip still does drugs, he’s a little horrified, because he doesn’t understand how Slip could be willing to take that risk. Slip clearly hasn’t developed or matured in the way Nureyev thought he would, and the two of them realise that they don’t really know each other all that well. Slip asks if he’d like to try drugs, and Nureyev refuses, and that’s that for a while. But then they live together for a while, and Slip offers Nureyev a way off Brahma, and he tells him about his dream, about the drug he wants to make. And Nureyev, who’s just figured out that he has the biggest crush on this man, decides he wants to know him a little better.

“NUREYEV: I... would like to try one, I think. Is your offer still open? SLIP: I don't... that's really nice of you, but I don't want you to think you have to try it just to, um, make me feel better, so-- NUREYEV: It isn't to make you feel better. It's to know you, Slip. And I think I'm finding I'd like to know you quite well.”

(Alexa, what’s the most romantic way to tell your boyfriend you want to do drugs with him?)

Then they run away to Saraswati together, and Slip goes on all these secret outings which Nureyev can’t follow him on for a while. Nureyev is forced to trust Slip, to place his life in his hands, but they’re still getting to know each other, and unlike with Juno and Diamond, Nureyev is aware that the version of Slip in his head might not match up with the real Slip. So, he gets paranoid, and the entire mess with the poker game and the executives happens.

But after it, they have a talk. A good one. This is one of the things I love about Slip: he makes Nureyev talk about his feelings, and he’s really good at putting things into perspective. You see it in the latest episode, too, with how they talk about Mag. It’s not perfect, but it seems incredibly mature for someone his age (though, again, not sure how much authority I have on the age aspect of this).

“SLIP: A person can't just tell you who they are cuz we're all too complicated for that. I wouldn't know where to start, and even if I tried, I'd miss most of everything and maybe you'd think I was hiding those things from you, but it wouldn't be true. Too much of me is invisible to me because I'm around it all the time, every day. You can try to see the world from someone else's point of view, but at the end of the day... we're all just ourselves. We're stuck there. But just because I can't say it doesn't mean you can't know it. All I can do is be honest, minute to minute, day by day. I'm sorry I'm not the person you apparently thought I was -- but to be fair, I never said I was that person to begin with. Only you did. So... how about we make each other a promise? NUREYEV: A promise? Promise what? SLIP: A promise to be honest with each other. If we're honest, each of us can give the other the best shot at knowing us, you know? You can decide who Slip Jackson is, and... well. If he's worth your time.”

THIS. This is basically the point of this whole essay (it’s so much longer than I intended I’m so sorry). I start chewing on my own bone marrow every time I listen to this, because he’s so right.

Knowing someone isn’t knowing big things, like their name, or face, or random fun facts about their life. Those are things you pick up along the way. Knowing someone else isn’t knowing what their favourite colour is, it’s them telling you what their favourite colour is and you realising that it makes sense they would like that colour, that it fits in with the image of them in your head. Knowing someone isn’t knowing all their layers, their past, their future, though all those things are important in their own way. Knowing someone is understanding the essence of them, the soul underneath all those layers, the sense of self, of who they are which philosophers have been trying to define for centuries, which Peter Nureyev has been trying to erase from himself for decades.

Slip and Nureyev loved each other because they loved everything they knew about each other, and wanted to know more. Slip’s loss hits Nureyev like a bulldozer because he never really gets to know who Slip is — the chance is taken away from him, and Nureyev is convinced it’s all his fault. He’s determined to bring Slip back so he can finally know who Slip is, even though he’s trying to erase himself so there’s nothing left of himself to love back.

Peter Nureyev forever

And then, season 5. Yowzers.

“NUREYEV: You think you know me. The nameless thief. You presume, just because I've told you my real name and let you peruse a few carefully-curated passages of my life story, that you have access to a "real" me that nobody else does. Is that right? JUNO: This isn't gonna work, Nureyev. That journal was true. I know it was. NUREYEV: (LAUGHS) How could you possibly? JUNO: Because I know you. NUREYEV: You know what I've shown you. Nothing more. JUNO: Can't help but notice you haven't said it yet. NUREYEV: I don't need to play your game. JUNO: If you don't care it'd be really easy to.  "I never want to see you again." Like that. NUREYEV: Childish! JUNO: Once you let somebody know you, Nureyev, there's no going back. They've got your number. Chances are you got theirs, too. I let you know who I am because I love you and I'm scared as hell about what that means, but at least I can admit it, goddammit!”

Nureyev is desperately pushing the idea that Juno doesn’t know him, that Nureyev’s been lying all along, that the “Peter Nureyev” Juno knew was just another persona, that Juno never really knew the real Nureyev, just like he never knew the real Diamond. Because if Juno doesn’t know Nureyev, he can’t possibly love him, and that makes it so much easier to break up with him.

But there’s just one catch here. Juno does know Nureyev. As much as Nureyev wants to pretend that all Juno saw was what he let him see, it’s not true. Juno saw right to the core of him, right to the beating heart of what makes Peter Nureyev Peter Nureyev, and he refused to look away until he knew every inch by heart, and he loved what he knew. He still does. And that’s how he knows that Nureyev needs his help now, that’s why he’s not giving up on our favourite master thief.

And that is why this:

“NUREYEV: I do not want to see you any more, Juno. JUNO: What? NUREYEV: You said it would just take those words to excise you from my life entirely, didn't you? Well, I've said them. I have no interest in seeing you any longer. None. I am done. We are finished. Do you understand me? JUNO: Yeah, I get you. So I guess I'll just... go now. NUREYEV: No! JUNO: I... what?  NUREYEV: I... that is, you…”

didn’t surprise me. Well, the first bit did. But the turnaround made complete sense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really shitty of Nureyev to do, but he’s at a point in his life where he’s not sure he can handle Juno being in his life, but he loves him far too much to tell him to leave. Even after he breaks up with him, he immediately backtracks.

And that’s why Juno keeps implying throughout the episode that Nureyev might take him back, and why he doesn’t leave at the end despite promising he would. Because he and I both know that Nureyev doesn’t want him to.

Juno never really hides who he is, and so people either love him or hate him. I think that’s really cool of him.

Nureyev hides who he is almost constantly, from almost everyone. It’s so much easier for him to pretend he did the same with Juno, and that’s what he’s trying to do. But he didn’t, so Juno isn’t giving up on him. Juno knows Nureyev, and he loves Nureyev, and so he’s not going to rest until Nureyev is finally okay (or relatively okay, at least).

TLDR: Juno didn't know Diamond all that well, so he couldn't be with her. Nureyev decided he wanted to know Slip so that he could learn to love him, but the opportunity was taken away from him. Juno comes to know Nureyev and he loves him because of it, but Nureyev is determined to go back to being unknown in season 5 so he can distance himself from Juno and pretend they're not in love. Knowing someone and loving them are linked, blah blah blah.

idk man I don’t have a conclusion these are just thoughts. Loving someone is inherently tied to knowing them, ig. Anyways who’s excited for Nureyev to have a mental breakdown???!!

[devirnis]

5. Hand kisses 👀👉👈

I've been Uno reverse carded

Act Like That

Relationships: Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rating: T Word count: 1.7k

07/11/2023 update to include the entire text under the cut

Eddie has never considered returning to the scene of a call for a date, and yet when Buck texts him an address and time – and Eddie recognizes it when he’s Googling the parking situation as the medieval faire where they’d rescued a knight from bees – Eddie hadn’t even considered suggesting an alternative location. Buck clearly had something planned, and if Eddie has learned anything from the past few months of dating the man, it’s that there’s always a good reason behind Buck’s harebrained schemes. While Eddie doesn’t consider himself much of a renaissance faire enthusiast, a day spent with Buck is still a day spent with Buck. However, Eddie very much would have preferred driving together over showing up at a crowded event by himself and having to hunt for his boyfriend.

Pulling out his phone, Eddie checks the text from Buck again.

Buck come find me by the combat area :D :D :D

Sighing, Eddie wanders up to the gate to buy a ticket. After he’s inside the grounds, he spends a few minutes staring at the costumes and the vendors, feeling slightly overwhelmed (and underdressed, in his jeans and henley), before following signs to the combat arena. Eddie vaguely remembers the way from their call here last year, and hopes to god there isn’t another angry swarm of bees in his future.

When he arrives at the requested spot, Eddie looks around for the familiar broad shoulders and sunny smile. Buck’s height normally makes him easy to find in a crowd, but Eddie doesn’t see his boyfriend anywhere. He pulls out his phone again.

Eddie I’m here, where are you?

He waits a couple minutes, but there’s no response from Buck, not even the typing bubbles. Eddie glances around again, wondering if Buck got distracted by one of the booths – it’s been known to happen on more than one occasion at street festivals and farmers markets. Assuming Buck will eventually wander back over from whatever distraction has pulled him away, Eddie decides he might as well watch a match or two. Evidently there’s some sort of event going on today called “Fight the Knight”, where anyone interested can have a go at swinging a sword around. Eddie chuckles to himself; he can’t imagine donning a suit of armour in this heat.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” The enthusiastic announcer, who’s dressed as some sort of elf, steps into the centre of the ring. “Gather ‘round to see our next match, where our brave knight, Sir Cenric, will take on his next challenger, Buck!”

Eddie’s head shoots up from where he’d been checking his phone again. His Buck?

The tent at the back of the area opens to reveal a man probably ten years older than Eddie dressed in a suit of armour – presumably Sir Cenric – who waves at the spectators. Sure enough, right on the knight’s heels, comes bounding one Evan Buckley, smiling his eager, excited smile as he waves enthusiastically at the crowd. He looks resplendent in his silver armour, shining in the sunlight like some kind of honest-to-god medieval prince. A few people around Eddie swoon a bit at the sight of Buck, and Eddie can’t even blame them. Then Buck’s eyes land on him and his bright smile softens a bit around the edges.

Jesus Christ, Eddie thinks as his heart does a little hop in his chest.

Buck makes a beeline for him, and Eddie feels a few jealous gazes swing in his direction. He only has eyes for his knight, though, as Buck stops on the other side of the wooden fence that surrounds the fighting area. He’s still grinning happily, like he’s so pleased with himself and his little plan, and a familiar fondness wells up in Eddie’s chest at seeing Buck so unabashedly giddy. Even if Eddie’s feeling mildly embarrassed about now being the centre of attention, seeing Buck clearly enjoying himself makes it all worth it.

“My good sir!” Buck says, putting on a bit of an English accent.

Or maybe not.

“What are you doing?” Eddie hisses.

“Come on, Eddie,” Buck whispers back. “It’s a ren faire, have a little fun!” Then he clears his throat and says loudly, “Could I ask you for a token of your favour, my prince? For good luck in the fight?”

Eddie feels his ears go hot at being called my prince as a few people titter around him. For a second, he has absolutely no idea what to give Buck for a knightly favour – it’s not like he frequently accessorizes with ascots, and he’s certainly not about to whip his shirt off in front of the crowd. But then he remembers what’s hanging around his neck, resting against his sternum, and smiles.

Buck’s eyes widen slightly as Eddie pulls his St. Christopher pendant over his head. When Eddie offers it to him, Buck hesitates for a second, his gaze flicking between Eddie and the pendant as if to silently ask are you sure? Eddie barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. The man is the legal guardian of his son in the event of his untimely death and yet Buck is still surprised that Eddie is offering him his necklace? Before Eddie can smack him upside the head, Buck gently takes the St. Christopher pendant from Eddie’s open palm and carefully wraps it around his wrist a couple times until it’s secure. 

And then Buck takes Eddie’s hand and brings it up to his lips, pressing a tender kiss to Eddie’s knuckles while he aims his besotted blue eyes directly at Eddie.

From somewhere to his left, Eddie hears someone sigh, “That’s so fucking precious I’m going to throw up.”

Eddie’s face flames.

Mercifully, Buck drops Eddie’s hand before he can completely combust, and takes a step back. “Thank you for the favour,” Buck says solemnly. “I’ll fight my best to be worthy of it.”

Eddie’s never really been one for roleplay, but he’s suddenly consumed with a burning desire to see Buck with that earnest expression in that ridiculous suit of armour hovering above Eddie in bed, promising to be pleasing in other ways…

Christ, he really needs to stop following that train of thought, or he’s going to end up with a hard-on in the middle of a family-friendly festival.

Buck heads back over to Sir Cenric, who’s been patiently waiting throughout this entire display. The elf announcer hands them each a sword, and ridiculously Eddie feels his heart rate kick up. Obviously the swords aren’t that sharp and Buck must have been given some kind of safety briefing back in the tent, but Eddie’s only human, and the prospect of Buck clashing steel with a trained professional doesn’t exactly fill him with excitement. The elf then hands both fighters a helmet each, and Eddie relaxes a little bit now that Buck probably won’t be losing an ear.

“First to five hits is the champion,” the announcer says. “Ready… begin!”

The fighters circle each other as the spectators begin to shout out encouragement. Eddie opens his mouth to cheer Buck on, like a good boyfriend, but then Buck does some sort of effortlessly sexy twirl with the sword in his hand and Eddie nearly swallows his own tongue. He’s learning so much about himself today that it’s a little alarming.

Cenric takes a swing at Buck, who handily blocks the attack. 

“You’re a quick one, even in all that armour,” Cenric notes.

“Firefighter,” Buck explains, and Eddie can hear the grin in his voice.

There’s a lot of back and forth after that. Eddie tries to follow the flow of the strikes, but he’s not entirely sure what the rules are, even as the announcer calls out the hits. After a few minutes, both men are clearly tiring, their swings becoming more and more sloppy. One of Cenric’s blows glances off of Buck’s leg, and Eddie winces, already mentally resolving to check for bruising later. Eventually, Buck makes one last attack, and the announcer calls out, “Five!” 

As the spectators cheer, Buck removes his helmet and turns around to find Eddie, beaming. Eddie pauses mid-clap, his mouth suddenly bone-dry. Buck is rosy-cheeked and ruddy, his hair flattened and damp from sweat, and he’s still panting slightly from the bout. As Buck wipes a forearm over his brow, Eddie has the fleeting, absurd urge to drop to his knees right then and there in front of the crowd.

The announcer grabs Buck’s hand and raises it up. “Your champion, Sir Buck!” Then they give Buck a wicked grin and shove him in Eddie’s direction. “Go kiss your prince.”

Buck stumbles towards Eddie, blushing as if he hadn’t basically turned Eddie into a puddle of goo with his earlier antics. Eddie figures he’s never going to see any of these people again anyway, so there’s no harm in being so sappy that Chris would be groaning in mortification if he were here. Taking Buck’s wrist with the pendant wrapped around it, Eddie gently pulls off his armoured glove and presses a kiss to Buck’s palm. When the crowd whoops and Buck’s face flushes red as a tomato, Eddie grins victoriously. 

“Why don’t I help you out of that armour and we can let the next person have a turn?” Eddie says lowly.

Buck practically drags Eddie back to the tent as Cenric gets ready for the next bout. Once the tent flap closes behind them, Eddie expects Buck to pounce. Instead, Buck bites his lip as he searches Eddie’s gaze, looking almost bashful.

“That wasn’t too much, right?” Buck asks, all his cocky bravado from earlier gone. “You weren’t embarrassed?”

Eddie’s heart clenches. He holds out his hand and wiggles his fingers, beckoning Buck forward. When Buck comes close enough, Eddie grabs his hand and tugs him into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around Buck even if it’s a little awkward and uncomfortable while he’s still in the full suit of armour.

“Baby,” Eddie murmurs into his ear, delighting when Buck shudders and melts against him. “It was very sweet. Thank you.” He punctuates the sentiment with a kiss to Buck’s jaw. “But seriously, how much did you pay him to let you win?” 

Buck reels back in mock offence. “You think I couldn’t have won that fair and square? You wound me!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but pulls Buck back in for a kiss. When he eventually lets Buck go, Eddie feels the blood rush to his cheeks again as he asks, “So, uh. What are the chances we can take this getup home?”

Buck grins. “I’m pretty sure I can rent it.”

(also on ao3)

[apenitentialprayer]

Finally, a good fucking response. I've been feeling some type of way about this post for a while now, but I'm in a foul mood, so let's get into this. There is a difference between knowing bad things happen to people in the abstract, and bearing the full emotional weight of the reality of the mystery of evil and suffering. There is a difference between knowing that rape happens, and discovering that the person who should have loved you more than anyone else, the person who should have protected you, spent the better part of a decade drugging you and letting strange men abuse you while you were unconscious because he got his rocks off to it. There is a difference between knowing that your loved ones are going to die one day, and watching your child waste away for months in front of you, or getting one of the pillars you had built your life around get suddenly and violently ripped away from you forever. It is very, very possible to think you can reconcile two things in the abstract, and then when those things become experiential, when the reality of that horror you thought you could reconcile comes crashing through your insulated view of the world, you realize "Oh, no, I was naive to think that these things could be reconciled so easily. I don't know if I can do it at all." It is cruel to look at people who have brushed with the reality of suffering, and choose to put up a mental barrier to protect your faith and say, "Well, you've been agreeing this whole time that suffering and a good God are compatible, you're just being selfish because it happened to you." (Which, by the way, it is actually possible that their reaction is not "I thought I was special," but "Wow, this suffering I am going through is something that has been shared by millions, or even billions, who have gone before me, and that is fucked up," because suffering does have that quality of making you see beyond your isolated little selfhood. That might be a more charitable interpretation than the one expanded upon above). Jesus Christ Himself could tell His Apostles that persecutions and martyrdoms will come, but the Spirit will remain with them even in those times, and be correct about that, while at the same time feeling utterly abandoned by God on the Cross. And maybe if we stopped shielding our faith with easy responses to people's calling into doubt God's goodness like "You agreed to it before when it didn't happen to you, sounds like you're being selfish," maybe if we crucified ourselves and our faiths as we suffered along with these people, and acknowledged that it's hard to accept God's goodness after a genuine personal encounter with the mystery of evil and gave them space to talk about it without the need to get defensive, well, maybe we'd have less people leave the faith when this gets less theoretical in their lives.

This is perhaps a cruel feeling to have but I am made almost angry by people who “doubt their faith” just because a bad thing happened to them.

You always knew it happened! You are an adult! You know horrific accidents happen, innocent people are hurt, fawns die in the woods without witnesses! But as soon as it’s not “somebody” and it’s you, you stop believing in a loving God?

If you say “I can’t reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth with a God who is good” I get it.

If you say “I can reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth with a God who is good” I get it.

If you say “I can reconcile all the bad things that happen on Earth, but I can’t reconcile all the bad things that happen to me with a God who is good,” I dont understand. I’m uncomprehending.

[moodywyrm]

yay squares!! do you have any ideas on what kind of stuff you want to make in the future? :o real!! sometimes i’ll buy some ribbon just bc it looks cool 😭

60 !!! jesus christ i could never!! it took me 4 months to finish one book 😭

exactly!! and i have no idea 😭 i just follow my gfs advice tbh, she’s a lot more experienced,, she got her first at 17 and now has a lot so i’m like. whatever u say babe

me too 😞 i hate the bright lights and the people but i normally put my airpods in and ignore everyone

a chill day!! that’s so nice omg <3 i would love to listen to audiobooks but if i get too focused on something else i’ll just tune it out :( and i hope yall like it!! it’s on my watchlist :o

my day was good!! i was able to wfh today and my gf was off so we spent the day together :) it was very nice and we’re planning our vacation rn! we’re going to try to go in the next couple weeks since i’ve saved up 9 PAID!! vacation days for this year! other than that it was chill, we just finished up with dinner and i’m going to watch a movie with binx while she’s at the gym <3

how’s your day?

- 🩷

squares!! once I get a handle on all the basic stitch types I think I wanna make little headphone sprouts? eventually the goal is to make sweaters (I really wanna make marceline's sweater from Adventure Time) and those like fairy tops that tie in the front? but for now we have squares <3 and no fr, I just like having pretty ribbon <3

that's so fair!! everyone reads at different paces and mine fluctuates a lot, but I read a lot bc of my major and audiobooks. I average in a year is usually like 50? im at 30 for this year so far <3

real, I haven't gotten a tattoo yet but I just listen to what my friends say bc most of them have tattoos! still sad though, I really wanted the snake on my arm before I graduated college :(

fuck bright lights! if grocery stores were just sensory hour all the time I would like it more :( but headphones are the real mvp of grocery shopping <3

it was a nice day!! audiobooks help me when one of my tasks is more visually oriented? so like stardew or crocheting, snd then I can listen to the audiobook and keep track of both! idk how that works but the dual input really works for me. I like it so far!! it's funky and visually stimulating, so im excited to keep watching <3

aww that's sweet!! im glad yall got a day together <3 nine days PAID!!! dude!! that's fucking epic, I hope yall have an incredible vacation <3 binx and a movie!! he's a filmbro but in the best way <3

yesterday was sweet, and today's been good so far!! i walked and played with the dogs, and I've been rotating between reading, cleaning, crocheting, and playing with them <3 I've also been planning all the shit I need to buy before I leave for college again, which means hopefully a few hauls from marshals n Costco over the next few weeks <3 and I've been staring at yarns on Marshalls, so I might get some supplies before I go back, just bc I don't have a craft store over there :(

how's your day been?

[xhjl03]

When I was back in my childhood home last October, I was sitting on the floor when I looked at my old desk. I used to hide under there when I was stressed or upset or afraid. At some point—I must have been no older than 14, because I think that's when I was no longer able to fit—I had written with a Sharpie "I don't think I'll live long enough to graduate college."

I'm 25 now. Almost 26. I graduated from undergrad four years ago. When I see other people talk about finding these sort of messages, they mention how proud they are for making it so much further than their younger selves could have imagined.

I'm not proud. It feels awful, actually, to know that I've been living in complete and total misery for over a decade. I've been trudging along for years out of a sense of obligation and guilt towards the people that love me. In some ways, I'm worse than I ever was as a teenager. I used to be passive suicidal. I used to just hope something bad would happen to me. But now I have to spend so much energy actively resisting the urge to take a bunch of pills that I saved from my surgery, drink as much vodka as I can stand, and then go jump off a bridge. I look at the third rail warning signs and mentally gauge how easy it would be to climb that fence, wondering if they turn off the electricity after midnight when the trains stop running. I look up how to get a gun in this state (not easy) and look up if you can still get carbon monoxide poisoning from cars.

I don't think I realized that there were different types of depression as a kid. Back then, I felt the traditional sense of sadness where I could barely get out of bed and where my panic attacks were rocking back and forth and hyperventilating. You could tell I was depressed.

I go to work every day. I was going to school every day when I was enrolled. I shower, cook dinner, clean my house, walk the dog. But I ache. I'm angry all the time, I'm stressed, and I'm so tense that when the nurse tells me to relax my muscles I can't because I don't know how. My panic attacks are silent now. I keep working through them with my mind racing with all the different ways I could die and just end it right now until they stop and I suddenly feel so tired that I could almost fall asleep at my desk.

I don't remember being a teenager. But I do know that the sheer frustration and anger and hopelessness that I feel now is new. Teenage me felt like I was trapped in a steel box with no windows, so I never tried to do anything. Adult me is trapped in a normal room with the windows boarded up from the outside and the door walled up with concrete and I'm screaming and banging on it but every just thinks I have to try for a little longer and I'll get it open.

I'll be 26 in May. I have spent more than half my life being bounced from therapist to therapist and trying a dozen different antidepressants. It's not worth it. Everyone says your 20s are the worst and things get better in your 30s and jesus fucking christ I can't do four more years of this.

[sn0tcl0wn]

i think the worst part is that i sympathized with the fucker for a while there because i knew plenty of really good and truly decent people just like him in both the rich parents way and criminal way and i know plenty of rich people who'd never tolerate and enable their kids doing the shit he did like his dad does. and admittedly he did experience real abuse and trauma that fucked him up. but i am poor as shit and traumatized to a point where my personality in and of itself is a disorder. im disabled and neurodivergent and struggle to make ends meet. i've spent my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE in poverty and a constant state of unresolved and compounding truama. and even after all the shoplifting and stealing i did as a kid and in my teens, even the most petty of thefts, i would never threaten the life of another person to do so and i would ESPECIALLY never do that shit if i had access to money and resources. the whole fucking reason i and people like me in various situations over the years is because we cannot afford anything at all whatsoever. and usually when people who arent complete pieces of shit steal it's not from your local mom and pop pizza place at fucking knifepoint and even if it was most of us would usually immediately use some of that cash to pay off the other poor people we borrowed from. and decent people who steal dont generally steal from people who are worse off than them because they have empathy for those people. like steal all you want but the second you're just stealing to fucking steal shit and threatening violence when you're well off and have never experienced being anything lower than upper middle class only to get away with it when you get caught solely because your daddy could buy people's silence is real scum of the earth type shit. and to try and get pity because boo hoo you're so lonely? jesus fucking christ. will these people ever get a grip? like i know they won't but i think it's just so telling how little empathy the upper class has when they're as eager as they are to scumbag, threaten, and manipulate poor folk. and it also shows how quick to accept and empathize with people lower class folks are because at the end of the day i and everyone who let this asshole in was a poor person who's immediate thought was "yeah i been on hard times too. let me help you out, homie. we take care of each other here". like that's so fucking telling and these are all things i knew and already experienced with other entitled rich fucks but every time this shit happens it enrages me to no end and i want to shriek.

and the worst part isn't that he essentially stalked and pressured me into a relationship or pressured me to give him money because he knew i was willing to help or straight up stole from me or stole from other people or threatened a nice woman who wouldn't take his shit and got away with ALL OF IT. it's how quick my family members and other bougie and upper class people were/are to take his side solely because he's attractive with a rich dad. like my family pressured me to date him putting me on the spot urging us to get together, letting him in our home when i explicitly stated he wasnt invited, and going as far as saying they wouldnt mind us having a future together and he took full fucking advantage of that situation to steal from me and try to hurt me. and the thing that pushed them into hating him? he got arrested in front of their nice suburban home and made them feel judged by the neighborhood. and of course i was to blame and was grilled about whether or not i was involved. because yeah i would totally jepordize my bright future with a dumb bullshit idea to steal from a woman who knew us by fucking name.

i'm poor and from the "wrong side of the tracks" so i get treated like shit by my own materialistic ass family every goddamn day let alone the world as a whole. meanwhile this actual piece of human garbage can get away with that shit and not only can he proceed to continue his shit excuse of a musical career but he can also be protected from public shaming for his actions (because he deserves that at the very fucking least) and proceed to keep manipulating people who are just trying to be nice and helpful because they experience basic human emotions like caring about other people and not wanting to see one's friends go without.

[dailyaudiobible]

02/26/2021 DAB Transcript

Leviticus 19:1-20:21, Mark 8:11-38, Psalms 42:1-11, Proverbs 10:17

Today is the 26th day of February welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it’s great to here with you today as we continue…well…we’ve kinda got a final push in this month now, a couple days left in this month. But as we continue our journey through the book of Feb…the book of February…I gotta like rewind the whole thing and start over, right? Hopefully I can…hopefully I can read today. So, it…it’s the month of February. It’s the 26th day of that month and we’re reading from the book of Leviticus in the Old Testament We’re reading from the New Living Translation this week. Leviticus 19 verse 1 through 20 verse 21.

Commentary:

Okay. Let’s talk about Caesarea Philippi today. This is a town in Israel north of the Sea of Galilee, about 15 miles and it's…it's odd because normally at this time year, normally right now we would be in the land of the Bible leading pilgrimage. And I don't know if this would be the day that we go to Caesarea Philippi but it would be somewhere around here and once we got to the Galilee. And, so, the Sea of Galilee is kind of in northern Israel. And then heading up toward the border with like Syria and Lebanon we would encounter Caesarea Philippi. Like I said, about 15 miles north of the Sea of Galilee, north of where Jesus kind of headquartered His ministry. This is a very pagan city. It was a Roman city so you kind of have…have special permission to get in there is a Jew. The kinds of things that we’re going on there, like the ritual…the ritual idol worship that was going on there was offensive, very offensive to Hebrew people. So, Hebrew clergy of any sort, they’re not gonna go anywhere near there. And yet here's the Rabbi Jesus going there, going there to this place. And the point is this…it's…it’s not by accident. Like you don't just walk on foot, 15 miles one way accidentally and go, “oh shucks, I didn't know there was a city here. What is this place?” They knew this was a hub of Roman governance, this was a very Roman city and they worshiped…well…primarily they worship the God Pan there. And Pan is known for instilling Pan-ic in its enemies. And Pan was…well…a lot of fertility rites happened around the worship of Pan. Pan was thought to be half human and half goat. And, so, the kind of rituals that would happen in this type of worship we would…we would find them to be revolting and perverse. I guess you just have to imagine fertility, humans, goats all working together toward some sort of blessing of the deity Pan and you sort of get the idea. And, like I was saying this place, it's ruins, it's an archaeological ruin at this point, but it still exists. And, so, you know, it wasn't just like ritual worship. That was one part of town, like the religious part of town where the temples were, where we go to…to worship but then there’s other parts of town as well. But in the area where the temples were there’s this massive cliff face. I want to say it's a good hundred feet tall and it’s just kind of stark. It's up a sheer cliff face. If you were up on top of it, you couldn't climb down without ropes and stuff. You’d fall to your death but at the base of that…of that cliff face is a huge cave. And in previous times before the Romans, before Pan, this was side of Baal worship. And, of course, in the Old Testament we hear plenty about the Baals. This is a place of Baal worship and the cave was thought to be the place where Baal would enter this world from the underworld and then would return to the underworld from this world through that cave and that cave was known as the gates of hell. So, it's a really really interesting place, but it's also really interesting what's happening here. So, Jesus and His disciples are doing this 15-mile walk, they’re getting near Caesarea Philippi and Jesus starts to inquire about assumptions. What are the assumptions about me, right? What are people saying about me? What do they…who do they say that I am? And that's when they find out that the assumptions about Jesus are that He’s John the Baptist just resurrected from the dead, that he's Elijah, the ancient prophet, that He’s one of the other prophets that is returned. Those are incorrect assumptions, but they are the assumptions, and they are the things that people were saying about Jesus. And then Jesus asks what I think is probably the most important question that a human being can…can be asked and that a human being can answer. Who do you say that I am? And that is when Peter declares, “you are the Messiah.” We’ve encountered this story once already. We’re in the second gospel in the book of Matthew. That's when Jesus says, “Peter, my father revealed this to you.” And then He says, “upon this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.” That is really important because now we are tying geography to a declaration of Christ. He's in Caesarea Philippi where the gates of hell were thought to be. And maybe…maybe when we pass this territory again in the Gospels we’ll talk more about it, but let's focus in on the conversation. Let’s focus in on the fact that Jesus was geographically located, making statements, but his question, “who do you say that I am? No matter what anybody else is saying about me” basically is what Jesus is saying. “No matter what anybody else is saying about me because everything else that’s being said is wrong. Who do you say that I am?” And that is something to take into our day-to-day. I have spent my entire life with the desire to know God deeply and I realize that people say all kinds of things about who Jesus is. And I realize that at the end of it all it isn't Jesus looking at me asking me who Mary says He is or who Tom says He is, or who George says He is who Tiffany says He is, it's who I say that He is that matters to Him and our relationship. And that is how it is for you too. Who do you say that Jesus is?

Prayer:

Father, we have the instant correct answers to that. Like, we could spout off the correct answer, but it's far deeper than that. The questions way more probing than that. It goes down to the bedrock. It's like our declaration of faith. And, so, Holy Spirit come before we just spout off the right answer. We want to sit in this. We want to marinate in this. We want to contemplate this. We want to meditate upon it. Who does our heart say that you are? Who does our lives say that you are? Come Holy Spirit into these questions we pray. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is where you find out what’s happening around here. So, stay connected. Of course, if you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app you can access these things as well.

The Community section, this is where the Prayer Wall lives. This is a very, very important part of our community experience, is just being aware that’s there. It's always there. And, so, when we find ourselves in the depths we can reach out or when we find ourselves in the depths we can reach back and focus our attention on others. It's always there for us to reach out. And, so, be aware of the Prayer Wall, available both at dailyaudiobible.com and in the app in the Community section. And that’s also where different links to the different social media channels that we are on are, where we post reminders about things that we’re reading or songs that have been played, etc. Just it's a good idea to follow Daily Audio Bible on whatever platform, social media platform that you are a part of. So, check that out. The links are in the Community section.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well…as well…and I thank you humbly from the bottom of my heart saying what I've…what I've said many times. We’re in this together. That has been the story, that has always been the story of the Daily Audio Bible. And if we weren't in this together, we wouldn't exist. And, so, if Daily Audio Bible is life-giving than thank you for your partnership. There’s a link on the homepage. If you're using the app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if that’s your preference is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, of course, if you have a prayer request or encouragement you can at the Hotline button in the app and share from their no matter where you are in the world or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

[flameontheotherside]

Interview with Autumn Wells

Today I reached out to Autumn for a little interview about her experience with her TF in spirit, Jimi Hendrix. 

Me: Thanks for agreeing to this interview. For my readers, I thought it would be nice for them to get to know you a little bit especially if you are planning to contribute by submitting your input here on this very blog. I think we all appreciate you sharing your story and that it’s exciting to meet yet another “spiritual widow”.  You would be the 4th one I’ve met with a TF inspirit who was a musician! 

This experience can be difficult but of course has its rewards as we learn and grow from this. It’s great and comforting to know you’re not alone. This was something Erik stressed to me all last month while I wasn’t feeling my best. So I really don’t feel you reaching out when you did was in any way a coincidence. There’s no doubt also that Jimi Hendrix is a legend who inspired many and had an amazing talent. 

Autumn: Thank you so much for interviewing me. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoy the blog! It's funny, but when many people describe how it is to hear Jimi Hendrix play for the first time, they're blown away, too! :)

Me: Where are you from? Are you American?

Autumn: I come from the USA, and I'm a young African-American woman in my twenties. I like to create art, stories, and other artistic projects. Jimi is African-American, too. We both come from mixed backgrounds, with Native American and European ancestors in our backgrounds, too, but our African roots are the strongest.

Me: Are you spiritual or religious?

Autumn: I consider myself more spiritual rather than religious. I do learn a lot of wisdom from different religions, but I don't follow any one religion in particular. I believe in God, through Jesus Christ, but I'm open to shamanic wisdom and many other cultures as well.

Me: I think most of us have a level of intuitiveness. Do you have intuitive or psychic gifts?

Autumn: Yes, I have intuitive and psychic gifts. I've always sensed people's emotions ever since I was little, and the psychic gifts grew stronger as I grew older. They became stronger because of my experience with Jimi's spirit, too. I can type down Jimi's thoughts when he wants to talk and share something with the world. I can also communicate with deceased relatives and other loved ones. Sometimes I sense the emotions of people who are alive on the earth, too. I've had moments where I can psychically detect knowledge about people without really knowing them.

Me: What is Jimi like?

Autumn: Jimi is a sweetheart, really. His personality is the same as it was when he was on the earth. Although he was really flashy on the stage, off the stage he was quiet and so shy. That surprised me in the beginning, because I didn't realize how quiet he was as a person, but the way he is to me is the way he was to many people on the earth - gentle, shy, and loving. He is very intelligent, and he still thinks and dreams in visions, as he did on the earth. He can be romantic, but most of all, he's unconditionally loving.

Me: How do you both communicate?

Autumn: I communicate with Jimi through telepathy, and I often see him with my eyes, too. He can affect my physical reality at times, but not always. For instance, he may draw me to him without me doing anything to move closer to him.

Me: How would you describe your relationship? For instance Erik can be in spirit guide mode which is serious and sometimes we can be friends and more.

Autumn: Yes, Jimi is like a spirit guide, and recently, well... he asked me to be his wife. I was so shocked! :) I didn't expect him to do that. In the past, we've spent many different periods where we were sometimes friends, and other times he was more like a guardian angel. There were also times when we developed a romantic relationship, and we would feel like husband and wife, but Jimi also sometimes would withdraw from my life if he felt I needed to have new experiences on the earth. So for us, we've experienced many different kinds of love on our journey, but right now, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, after nearly fainting, haha.

Me: How does Jimi appear to you?

Autumn: Jimi looks the way he did on the earth, and he usually looks very young. He has beautiful brown eyes and a kind smile, and he's about 5.11. He wears colorful clothes and sometimes brings his guitar with him. He still loves to play in the afterlife. Here's a picture of Jimi, I think there's no copyright on it:

Me: Telling someone about this can be hard. Did you have problems explaining to anyone close to you?

Autumn: I did try to tell my mother about Jimi and the experiences I had with him, but it didn't really turn out well. At first, she seemed to believe me, and she even said I was lucky. But then she started to doubt me because she didn't see Jimi the way I did, so she thought maybe I was making it all up because I was just a teenager. My Dad figured it was just my subconscious mind, although it was harder and harder for me to believe it was my subconscious when I started seeing Jimi while I was awake. My mom and dad's disbelief did make this journey very challenging because I had no one I could really turn to. I was not on the internet at the time, so I couldn't reach out to anyone who had a similar experience. The best I could do was keep it to myself, but I trusted in Jimi, and I read all I could about Native American spirituality, and how the Native Americans believed they had guiding spirits to help them in life. That helped me out a bit.

Ironically, though, during the accident incident where I had the near-death vision, my Dad was actually present when he saw me speaking to Jimi in the state I was in. I saw Jimi, and felt him so strongly, even though I was malnourished and in very bad shape. I had no clue I was about to go, because I didn't realize how sick I was, but I knew Jimi, so when I saw him, I had this blissful smile on my face and felt I was in heaven. I saw another deceased relative, too, who had just passed away. When my Dad asked me, "Are you in heaven?" I turned to him and said with tears of joy, "I love you so much, Jimi!" My Dad was shocked, and he said, "Now I know you're in heaven," because he always believed Jimi went to heaven after he passed away at 27 (in 1970). But I think even witnessing that moment I had with Jimi might have been too much for my Dad to comprehend.

Me: What can you tell us about your past lives? 

Autumn: Anyway, about past lives, that's an interesting question, because recently I asked Jimi if we shared any lifetimes together. He told me he didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information, but he did say that we shared a past life in England in the 19th century. He said we had several other lifetimes together, too, but he wanted to start with one at the time. It's really intriguing because I didn't know much at all about England in the 19th century, and Jimi told me about a very detailed experience about his life as a music teacher back then. It turns out that everything he told me, when I searched for the historical context, matches up with that time. I'll write about it on my blog eventually, but yes, this is the first past life we are working on. I don't exactly know how many past lives we've had, but I'm sure Jimi will share more when the time is right. (Jimi loved England in his last lifetime, too; that's where he felt really at home.)

I was a skeptic about reincarnation for the longest, but the evidence has led me to believe it's a reality. There is so much pointing to the fact that we've come to this earth before, and I've had that feeling myself.

Me: We have a twin flame (or spirit spouse) who isn’t living. Most of us have never gotten to meet or be with our counterparts while they were alive. So, it can be difficult. What is the hardest thing about having this experience?

Autumn: I'd say the hardest thing about having this experience, as beautiful as it is, is that most of the loved ones and people around me don't really understand it. I tried to open up about it in the past, but it didn't go over well, so I just keep it to myself. I hope that one day, I can integrate this experience into my life more fully, but right now, I just keep most of the details to myself in my everyday life, and try to find a balance.

Another hard thing in the beginning was dealing with the fact that Jimi died young, and tragically. That really hurt my heart, especially as a child. I just couldn't believe it. I kept asking my Dad, "Why? Why?" because I just couldn't understand why Jimi had to pass on when he was only 27. It took me a long time to accept that he was in the afterlife, but it really helped me when he came to me and told me he was at peace, and he came to me because he loved me, not because he felt haunted.

Me: What are some important things you’ve learned being Jimi’s TF?

Autumn: There are many important things I've learned from this experience, though, and the main thing is learning to trust in God, myself, and Jimi. I've had trust issues throughout my life, to the point where I didn't know if I could even trust Jimi or not, but he helped me to love myself, and love him, too. He showed me unconditional love which really helped to heal my heart, and he was there to guide me through some really difficult times in my life. He also brought me closer to God, who I love, too.

Me: How often do you communicate with each other?

Autumn: Jimi and I talk quite a bit, depending on the flow of my life. Sometimes I spend a lot of time studying, so we don't talk as much (I really need to set aside more talking time!) but I can always feel him near me. Early on, we spoke nearly all the time, and I'd write down a lot of our conversations. That helped me connect a lot of dots later on.

Me: What are some funny or good moments you’ve had?

Autumn: I think there were a few funny moments between us sometimes, but mostly Jimi's pretty serious. But he's serious in a light way, if you know what I mean. He's often smiling and telling me stories about his life on the earth, and he helps children a lot in the afterlife.

Me: Like physical twins (I have a twin brother btw), twin flames or twin souls aren’t always alike. In what ways are you alike? Different?

Autumn: I agree that twin souls don't have to be exactly alike. With Jimi and me, we do happen to be amazingly similar, although we have some differences. We both look similar, especially in the eyes, although we don't look exactly the same. We share a deep interest in spirituality, God, and the afterlife, and neither of us believe in organized religion. We love music and the creative arts, although I tend to get more addicted to writing, and Jimi's addiction was music.

We both experienced ESP and psychic phenomena during our lives on the earth; Jimi said in the 1960's that he saw the spirit of Handel while he was living in the composer's home (you can look it up on the internet if you like, it's really interesting!) He also believed his mother, who passed on at a young age, was watching over him in spirit.

We both have the tendency to be nervous perfectionists with our creative arts. I used to feel kind of bad about driving the people crazy around me with my "everything must be perfect" tendencies, until I found Jimi was the same way. :)

We have a ton more things in common, but we also have a few differences. I'm deeper into writing, while Jimi is more into music. But a lot of our differences are more like different sides of the same coin. For instance, we both grew up in blended families, but the blended family for Jimi came later in his life, when his father remarried, whereas I grew up in a blended family (although I didn't always spend time with my older half-siblings).

Considering that Jimi and I never met on the earth, and he lived and passed on before I was born, it's amazing how our lives and personalities parallel each other. Many of the parallels I didn't even know about until I got older and could get on the internet to research.

Me: How do you think you’d be together if he were alive or reincarnated now as your significant other?

Autumn: I think my life would be different in some ways if Jimi were incarnated as someone else. I used to wish I'd meet a guy like Jimi one day, but I knew it was hopeless because no one else is Jimi, unless he came to the earth again, of course. I do think it's good that Jimi is in spirit, though, because the way my family life is, we probably wouldn't spend much time together if he were incarnate. I don't get into the outside world that much.

If Jimi were incarnated with me, I do think it might work out, but he would have to be free from many of the things which led to him passing away so young. Drugs, for instance, were a problem Jimi dealt with, as well as ruthless people in the music business who took advantage of him. I do believe that in spirit, he has much less to worry about, and that has really helped both of us. So although it would be wonderful to have Jimi physically here with me, I also know that it's best that we connected in this way, because he's in the peace and love of the afterlife. I also think that having Jimi as a spirit guide and partner is wonderful because he can be with me wherever I go in the world, and we don't have physical distance separating us. Sometimes I do long to be where he is, though, in the afterlife. One day, I'll be with him for all time, God willing.

Well, that's it for now! Thanks for asking the really good questions.

Me: Thank you for answering and thank you especially for reaching out and sharing us your story! 

If you guys who are following me or stumbling on this, want to know more about Autumn Wells and her amazing story about being Jimi Hendrix’s twin soul, you can find her blog at:

https://jimiheaven.gonevis.com/

She will also be guest posting here as well so watch out for her content. You can see all her submissions with the tag: #Autumn Wells <--Click that link for the goods!

[bambigoose]

Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?

Chris’s phone beep echoed through the empty locker room, followed by a few other beeps further away. A blocked shot off the ankle in last night’s game versus the Islanders sidelined him for the day. Just precautionary, but he was still itching to be on the ice during practice instead of stretching it out with the trainers. Easily accepting the distraction Chris swiped to open the app and held his finger down on Callie’s bolded name. A picture of a scantron popped on the screen, mentally bringing him back to the panic of exam time in high school for just a moment before he reads her typing. ‘The answers to the quiz my students are taking at the moment.’

An: So I've debated with myself for years over whether or not to attempt any writing and finally decided to bite the bullet make a side blog and give it a try. Let me know what you all think.

_______________________________________

Snap received from Callie

Chris burst into laughter, every once in a while he’s reminded that no one is truly safe from Callie’s pranks. He would have loved to see the faces on her students. The scantron had 5 perfect diagonal lines on it. Quickly taking a snap of the locker room he responded ‘You’re evil.’

An immediate response came back. Chris smiled at the image of Callie. Hair in a loose bun, a hand covering her mouth most likely covering up her smile so the students don’t figure it out and no make-up but her mascara, because as she’s told him who really wants to wake up even earlier just to go back to school. ‘OPPS! See you in a few hours?’

Beaming back in his image response as the sounds of the boys finishing morning skate growing down the tunnel, ‘I’ll be around’. Charlie plopped next to him in his locker. “The hell you smiling about, you just spent two hours in trainer hell.” He says, removing his helmet and shaking out the curls on his head.

“It’s because Callie snapped us.” Chirps Sean Kuraly from his own locker, phone already in hand. David Backes leaning over his shoulder to catch a glance of the image.

“Girls cold.” He states laughing at the scantron.

“Not as cold as Wagner’s bed since he grew this crush.” Danton Heinen chirps.

“Callie did this.” Carlo yells out.

“Callie said.” JD answers.

“Callie and I.” Nordstrom finishes.

“Alright he gets it.” Patrice Bergeron interrupts silencing the room. “Get showered, get out, and be on time for the Halloween party this weekend. Marshy, Backie, and I have to listen to our wives complain about all of you one more time we’re sprinting on Monday.”  

Taking his escape chance for what it was Chris sprinted out of the locker room and to his car. If he hurried he could pick up the Halloween cookies from Bovas before Callie got out of class. Watching him sprint out Krecji leaned forward to Zdeno, “Our boys got to get his act together.”

“I think Callie might just take care of it herself pretty soon.” 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

“Honestly, its 230 in the afternoon, why the fuck is Boston traffic so god damn miserble.” Callie snaps letting herself into Wagner’s apartment. 

“You do remember Boston is the worst US city for traffic right.” He responds from the breakfast nook, placing his phone down in front of him. Leaning over for a side hug, “There’s a box over in the kitchen that might make you happier.” 

Callie’s eyes almost bulged out of her head, squirming out of the hug she shuffled into the kitchen at top speed. “YOU DID NOT! BOVAS!” Tearing the box in her haste she rips out an iced bat shaped pumpkin spice cookie shoving it into her mouth. Grumbling around the edges, “SO GOOD.” In the background of Chris’s laughter she skidded into the living room. “Get after it Wagner! We having this movie marathon or not. I graded for 6 hours last night in anticipation of this” 

Five hours and two scary movie later, Chris unwrapped himself from Callie to head into the bathroom. Seeing her opening she whipped out her phone and selected Coyle. Jesus Christ Chuck what the hell else do I have to do? Danielle and I have discussed, haven’t you taught him anything!?!?!? Shoving her phone back into her pocket Callie quickly made up her mind he made a move soon or she would. Hearing Chris returning to the room she sat forward, smiling Chris slipped into the spot on the couch next to her. Lifting the Bruins noted blanket she gifted him last year for Christmas, because really what is with men and having no blankets in their houses. She curled into Chris as he selected play on the next movie IT. “I really hate clowns.” She muttered while he pulled her closer. At the mid-way point of the movie, after the next jump scare she buried her head into his chest while he laughed down at her. Movie forgotten she finally smirked at him, “Are you gonna kiss me or not Wagner.” Chris’s eyes widened down at her, “I spend all day teaching adolescents, I know how to recognize a boy with a crush you know.” Not giving him time to respond she leaned up and took control herself.

As they separated “I’m never going to hear the end of this, you realize that right.” Chris says pulling her fully into her lap.

Adjusting in her new position, Callie laughs connecting their lips once again. “If we didn’t show up in a couples costume this weekend I think it might have been worse for you babe.”

[questions-for-christians]

a few months ago, I hit a really difficult bump in my faith that just made day to day life unbearable -- until I just stopped caring. I've dealt with body image and confidence issues for as long as I can remember, and as soon as I stopped caring about God, I started to be as confident as I've ever been. I look at myself in the mirror and love what I see. I love everything about myself. If my happiness is supposed to come from Christ, why did I suddenly become happy as soon as I stopped caring?

That is an excellent and insightful question. Exactly the kind of question that I like. Not to mention that this could so easily be a question from my younger self. You don’t happen to have a time machine by any chance?

While I cannot hope to perfectly answer, I can perhaps offer a follow-up question. As you have shared a little from your life, would it be okay if I shared something from mine too?

There is a question here but I am going to start with a story. If you don’t fancy reading the story, skip down to “the question” - no one will know.

Another thing it took me ages to learn

One of the many things that it took me a long time to figure out was this - many of my issues about God were actually issues with His people. 

The church is excellent at adding so much extra heaviness to the light burden of Christ that it is a wonder we can still even recognise it. I shall illustrate that with the story I promised you.

Personal story time

I suffer from varying degrees of anxiety and depression. I have done all my life. I am (I have recently discovered) dyslexic, dyspraxic, depressive, and probably a lot more besides. Like you, I looked at myself and hated what I saw. 

I was a (mostly) open-minded (mostly) cis (totally) white male with long hair that liked alternative music - not a good fit for the churches I was going to. I’m still like that today but a lot more chill and I like myself.

My early years were spent in a church that actually taught that depression was caused by not having enough faith that Jesus loved you. I knew that was false but I could not explain why. 

I started to have questions. Questions, cause trouble. It was not the questions that made me leave but seeing the true face of the “in-group” and the way I was seen as utterly unworthy and would, at best, be merely tolerated. 

After I left, I found myself in a similar church where (just like the first) being a Christian seemed to get harder and harder. The truth is, I had failed to learn anything and was going to repeat my mistakes a while longer - with the same results.

Two groups theory

It was while I was in this second very similar church, that I started to notice that there were two groups of people. One group had mastered the invisible extra rules. The “good” group got to speak at the front, lead things, and were offered all sorts of church support. They were the minority that seemed to have it all together and were the example the rest of us failed to live up to.

The others were still struggling to “be spiritual” and were told to be more committed. I was well and truly in the “failure” group.

Questions lead to anger, apparently

Eventually, I questioned the leadership too much and got my head bitten off. I was shouted at by two men who should have know better and not even for a deeply probing or controversial question. Just expressing doubts in the people themselves based on my past experience. It was humiliating and silly. 

Not for the first time, the mask was off. I had again seen the true face of the elite. It was not pretty. The example of the “spiritual group” was not as flawless as they claimed. They were just as broken as the failures but with the added twist that no one could see it.

I refused to go back and - if I am honest - they probably did not want me to. 

If you have read my Tumblr before you could probably see this plot twist coming. I still ask a lot of questions.

The ah-ha moment

For the first time ever I was churchless. Like you, I was less stressed and more productive. Out from under those extra rules, life was easier. 

That was when I started to investigate the Bible for myself. I still had questions and the only way to get answers now was to go looking for them. The “ah-ha” moment was when I first started to discover whole passages of scripture that are the exact opposite of what I had been taught in two mainstream denominations.

I started to see that the reason being a Christian was hard was that I was trying to be something other than Christ-like - I was trying to be a middle-class white cis neurotypical extrovert team-member while I was actually far too punk, anxious, introverted, needy, and nerdy to do half of that.

The discovery

That was when I start to notice how alternative (and nice) Jesus was.

Jesus taught - care about people and let Me take care of the rest. 

The Church taught - turn up on time, dress the right way, pray the right way, put your hands in the air the requisite amount during worship, dance from time to time if the music is suitable (charismatic church culture is weird), attend the extracurricular activities, volunteer for things… If you performed to a minimal level then you could advance in the club. Demonstrate you are spiritual and you can get promoted. 

None of that nonsense was in the Bible. Jesus picked a set of neurotic, working class, failures who between them had exactly no qualities for leadership or spiritual behaviour. 

The disciples repeatedly failed to understand, questioned the wrong things, doubted what they saw, forgot lessons, got uptight about stuff that did not matter, panicked, stressed, stole, lied, cheated, and bickered among themselves about who was the favourite. 

Jesus choice of follower was the “failure” group. I was in the “failure” group.

For You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You take no pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

Psalm 51:16-17 [Berean Study Bible]

The church had it backwards

Slowly, I came to understand that the church had things backwards. There were two groups in Jesus time too. The “failure” group which He loved to spend time with and the group that were sure they had it all together with which He argued and offended and generally made look pretty silly by knowing the scriptures better.

Somehow the churches I was in had “accidentally” put the people Jesus would not have liked so much in charge of teaching His message and sidelined the people He would have chosen to do the job.

Being a Chrisitan was not hard - pretending to be one of the “religious elite” was! Ah, now it all made sense.

Happy ending (of sorts)

Like you, anon, I went from a dedicated follower to having no more time for God. I did not stop there, however, and once I had seen it was His “wife” I could not get on with, I realised that God was actually quite nice. (Not “wife” technically, the group that thinks of itself as His bride. I’m being a bit facetious here.) 

I joined a group of rebels who met without permission on a Monday. Like me, they had grown tired of the church too. Together, we formed a new church like group with a single rule that everyone should be able to contribute (and then take questions).

Today, following God is easy. I just do my best to accept and care for everyone and let Him take care of the rest. I see that we are all probably wrong about some part of doctrine and so ask questions of myself frequently. I will probably always be wrong about something and not that is okay. The whole point of Grace is that it is fine to be wrong so long as I am kind. I’m still learning to be kind but that’s another story.

The question

We finally get to the question I promised you. Is it possible that once all the pressure to conform to church norms was gone, the source of your anxiety was gone too? If so, could it be that Christ is okay, but many of his fan club are demanding jerks?

The reason I ask is that this was what I found to be the case. It took me a few repeated bumps in the road to figure that out because I can be a slow learner. 

The Jesus I read about - especially with some historical and cultural context to back it up - was all about gender, racial, and socio-economic equality. He did not care if you were a traitor (tax collector), prostitute, working-class ignoramus, or outcast - he had time for everyone. Well, except stuck up religious leaders - those He gave a hard time too.

Some general advice

Nothing crushes your spirit quite like trying to be someone you are not. I had to learn that the hard way. It took me until my 30s to even get a clue about that one. I suspect that the reason you are enjoying being you, for a change, is that you also stopped trying to be what you were told is a “good Christian”. 

If I can teach you anything from my failures, I hope it is this - the “good Christian” that many churches teach us to be is a lie - no one can be that. The ones that seem to be “making it” are a mix of outright fakes and exhausted people trying too hard. Take it from another person with body shame issues - that stuff is bad for you.

I pretty certain that God will not mind if you take as long as you need to do some self-care. I’m convinced that He loves you and wants you to be mentally healthy. I might offend some church leadership types by saying this but take as long as you need to love yourself like He does. 

There may be no need to go back and join the fake-it-till-you-make-it club. Honesty is good for you. On that front, I have found that church groups for and by the marginalised often have much more authenticity due mostly to having to fend off the mainstream nonsense that condemns them. There’s no hurry though. For me, staying away from Christians for a while was actually helpful.

Above all else, is this advice which Shakspere said best.

This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.

I’m not sure I have answered your question but I do hope that I have raised some questions that can help you find your own answers. Please do check back in with me to let me know how you are getting on. I’d like to know.

[grace-full-life]

Making and Breaking Life Habits and My Shrimp in.. Shrimp Paste HAHA

Hiii! 

Before I write about what I'm up to these days, I just want to share my shrimp in... shrimp paste? HAHA! Well it looks and tastes yummy. And oily. Haha! My fam and husband loved it. Or pwede ding grateful lang talaga sila no? 😂

Can’t think of what I’ll call this recipe yet. I've been experimenting on this dish since last year and I finally got the perfect mix and ingredients! I'm so happy 😂 Also, please don’t judge me, olive oil yan. HAHA

Anywayzzz!! How are you guys? :)

Our church's topic of the month is all about making good habits and breaking the bad ones. So here I am, currently on extended social media fast. Haha! When I resigned last year, I didn't notice that I'm spending sooo much time on my cellphone. Alam mo yung mindless browsing?! I'm not the type who's on her cellphone all the time (except nung textmate era HAHA and when I’m reading ebooks). Before, even though I can check my phone/socmed accounts regularly, I usually spent short period of time browsing, normally I’d just upload photo/s or tweet an update, browse a little and I’m done. Well until my resignation happened. Haha! So I took advantage of the prayer and fasting last, last week, and paused, then continued until now. :) Ofc messaging apps and my tumblr are still accessible. Hehe. And btw! I think I’ve done this na pala few years back when I noticed that I was reading several contents about politics. I found myself being sooo affected and stressed out by the many differing opinions online. So I intentionally keep myself away from this topic kasi di na nga productive, toxic pa. Sa totoo lang it’s dividing us more than it unite us eh. We are encouraged to hate than sincerely love and extend compassion to others. There are faaar more productive things to do that will TRULY help others and our country than fighting each other on socmed and magfeeling superior sa iba. I’ll do my part as a responsible citizen of the Philippines but I refuse to make politics a god in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that being informed is important, but we also shouldn’t act like everything is about it. What will make or break you will depend on the small decisions you make daily, and that includes your spiritual decisions in life. Let us not put the fate of our life on some other people’s hands. God is sovereign, even these leaders are under His authority (learned more about this in the books of Judges and Kings. Hehe.) 

Lastly, start praying for the country. Remember, our greatest security and hope should be placed on God’s hands and not on people. Everyone will come and go, only God and His words will remain. 

So now as I try to keep myself away from social media, I put my focus on my wifey duties (both tasks at home and business). I also busy myself with reading books (I'm trying to finish this book about God's beautiful design about sex in the context of marriage); with reading the Bible too (though I took a break from reading the Old Testament and started reading the book of Matthew again); by playing mobile games and watching movies in moderation; and by making random watercolor illustrations/calligraphy. 😁

I have a list of bad habits that I need to stop doing but one step at a time right?!! Haha!

Following Jesus means repentance and new desires that are aligned with Him. If you’re trying to build good habits but can’t seem to succeed yet, I want to encourage you to press on! Some of us might be trying to stop the bad habit of procrastination, of being short-tempered, of pornography, of gossiping, of bad diet, of too much socmed or gaming or Netflix, etc. Don’t give up and don’t be too hard on yourself. Recognize that our will-power has its limits. Sabi nga ni Lord Jesus, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. We need Him. We need His strength and grace to overcome the things that are hindering us from being the best version of ourselves as followers of Christ. 

We should accept the truth that we are not and will never be enough and that's totally okay because Jesus is. He is enough, He completes us and meets us in our weakness. God is able! :)

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me

2 Corinthians 12:9

Have a fantastic Monday!! x

Love,

JRB

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 5

Jesus God and Christ Almighty, this platform and this web connectivity and this city. This is the third time I've tried to write and post this entry. I wrote one that I tried to upload all night last night, using up half of my remaining bandwidth. The tumblr app kept saying "something went wrong, we'll try again in a few minutes." except every time it tried again, it uploaded the images and video again. Then I wrote another one this morning, same issue. Damn it.

My solution to the problem is to save every post as a draft before I post it, and include fewer photos. I'll put everything in a big album if anyone wants to look at it later.

Anyway. I woke up with a nosebleed at 5:30. I felt a runny nose; I wiped it with my hand, still runny, I blew my nose into my hand, big splatter of blood. Thankfully, it sealed off pretty quick, but nosebleeds always wipe me out for a few hours. I cleaned up the blood and went back to sleep.

Breakfast at Pauline Hanson's One Nation and White Family Mart. Josh showed me an upstairs area I didn't know existed the day before, so I ate up there and planned out the day. I eventually decided to walk around Emporium for a while.

On my skytrain line (the Sukhumvit line, which is the bigger of the two lines) there are two stations with huge shopping centers attached. The one next to my station is Emporium, which is split into two smaller parts, Emporium and Emquartier. Emquartier is split into 3 Quartiers, each of which I can't tell you the names of but they're all sufficiently fruity. They're all about as big as the Emporium in Melbourne. It's a huge complex. The other shopping center, Siam, is even bigger though.

I walked around there for a while. I noticed two things:

There were way too many people working. The place was deserted, but every store was open with stacks of employees. There are too many people employed by EVERY Thai business as a rule, but this took the cake. I saw a travel agency with 7 people working. No clients. In every elevator, there was a bell boy pushing buttons. Every restaurant we've been in this week has at least 3 people standing around doing nothing. It's insane!

Consumerism - the amount of shit being sold as high-end is crazy. The aspirational class in this country is REAL. It's such a trip to go from relative poverty to extreme displays of wealth on the same street.

Anyway. I found this cool garden space upstairs and hung out there for a while. Awesome views of the city, and really peaceful. Except, in classic Asian style, there's an arcade in there and they're blaring pop music.

I eventually sat down in a food court and read some more Growth Mindset. Josh texted me eventually and I headed out on the skytrain. We met up and walked our lunch destination - a cheesy 50s American diner. Espy met us there a few minutes after we arrived.

The decor was almost there - like 80% of the details were there. The windows were too high, the lighting was off, some of the neon was broken... But pretty good. The food was okay.

We spent most of the meal chatting. Espy is sick and Josh was giving her shit for not taking her antibiotics. They decided to get some from a pharmacist first chance they got. Pharmacists in Asia will sell you anything - there's no regulation and no requirement for a prescription from a doctor. Josh buys his testosterone treatments (some hormonal imbalance, not juicing) over the counter. It's odd.

During the meal, it was decided that I had to experience the movies in Thailand. And sadly, the only thing worth watching was Bumblebee. We caught the skytrain to Siam. Siam is the fancy shopping center - if Emporium is Melbourne Central or Highpoint, Siam is Crown Casino. We went to the cinema and sat down during the advertisements because Espy thought it'd be faster to use the escalators, even though we used the lifts to get to the cinema when we did VR there. We walked past the lifts on our way in. Come on.

The movie and ads were in English, with Thai subs. Subtitles don't distract me, so no worries. Before the movie started they played a video honoring the king. The king is youthful and vibrant, and a paragon of masculinity. Long may he rule. Of course, one cannot forget his father the late king, who sadly passed two years ago. He was a beacon of wisdom and justice and led Thailand through many years of prosperity.

We all had to stand up during the video to show respect. Espy nudged me as they were all standing up.

The movie was a movie. It had characters. Some of them developed. There were emotional moments and silly moments. The acting and CG were actually pretty good, but it was a transformers movie. The fights were boring, predictable, and definitely didn't matter. The male love interest got told at the end of the movie, when he went to hold the protagonist's hand, that they weren't quite ready for that yet. But she also took his shirt off while Bumblebee was driving for them, so I don't know what to make of that. Partial nudity must be first base and hand holding is second, in this new topsy turvy world.

After the movie we did some window shopping, looking mostly at technology stuff. Espy wanted a PS4 - it cost $600 over here. Josh said he'd get her one from Australia. We walked past some Pokemon plushies and I went to look at them. There was a giant Lapras plushie and one of my new students says he loves Lapras, so I had an excuse. I still got laughed at by a pair or passing teenaged girls.

We got back on the train after buying nothing. It was pretty packed, I could barely move, but Josh insisted that it wasn't nearly as bad as peak time. Josh had to meet with Bill to discuss business, so I got off at my stop and went back into the Emporium. There was a Nandos knock-off that I wanted to try.

It was my first time negotiating a restaurant on my own in Thailand. The only Thai I've managed to work out is thank you - K̄hxbkhuṇ khrạb. I've been saying it as Cap hoon cap, and I'm not 100% sure that's right. At lunch me and Josh were deliberately mispronouncing stuff, but I'm pretty sure that's right. Anyway, I used a combination of English and gestures and managed to get through alright. The chicken was ok, but the waitress messed up my order and got me spicy rice instead of chips, so no comment there.

I went home and started typing this the first time. Bloody tumblr.

Oh! A massage girl acknowledged me on the street! Two in fact. One said "hello", and another made kissy noises at me. I ignored them both, but it was nice to be validated like that.