#jalapeno topics

[snooperzz]

Back on You

Read pt. 2 here !! Robert "Bob" Reynolds x female!Reader/OC Word count: 5.9k Warnings: angst, reader/oc has self esteem issues Note: this is written in third person & reader/oc is unnamed! you can also read this story on ao3 :) Summary/Excerpt: She liked Bob. She liked hearing about his favorite characters in the book he was working his way through, or the crazy stories from his time working at a bail bonds company as a sign-spinning chicken. She liked spending time with him and seeing his dorky smile, and she didn’t want to ruin that by telling him how much she liked it. How much she liked him. (i.e., A former member of the Guardians of the Galaxy, now a member of the New Avengers, has a crush on Bob.)

They had cornered her. 

“They” being Yelena and Ava. She had just gotten out of training with Bucky, and all she wanted to do was take a shower and disappear into her room for the rest of the day. But, of course, Yelena and Ava spotted her raiding the pantry and had now made it their top priority to make her talk about the one subject she avoided at all costs.

Bob .

Not that it was really his fault. He was just possibly the sweetest person that she had never met, and he unfortunately was not hard to look at. It was embarrassing, really, how often she was caught sneaking glimpses at him from across the room. It seemed like everyone was onto her. Well, everyone except for Bob, thankfully. He was oblivious, from what she could tell, and she did not plan to do anything to mess that up.

They were good friends. Ever since the New Avengers were announced, and she found herself moving from her closet-sized apartment into the Watchtower, she and Bob had been spending more and more time together. But that was just out of convenience. It wasn’t her fault his room was right across the hall from her own, and they just so happened to leave their rooms at the same time every morning. And it definitely wasn’t her fault they developed a habit of concocting smoothies together each morning, testing out new, sometimes questionable, combinations (this morning’s was strawberries, bananas, and jalapenos).

She liked Bob. She liked hearing about his favorite characters in the book he was working his way through, or the crazy stories from his time working at a bail bonds company as a sign-spinning chicken. She liked spending time with him and seeing his dorky smile, and she didn’t want to ruin that by telling him how much she liked it. How much she liked him .

So, she avoided the topic altogether. At least, she tried to. Just like she was doing right now, shoving whatever snacks she laid her eyes on into her arms in an attempt to get out of the impending conversation with Yelena and Ava as fast as possible.

“Save some for the rest of us,” Yelena teased, causing her to turn around. She could already feel her face turning hot.

“You’re ravaging this place like you haven’t eaten in weeks,” Ava commented. “Which I know isn’t true because I was forced to try the disgusting smoothie you and Bob made this morning.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” she muttered, placing a family-sized box of cheez its back onto the shelf.

“Speaking of Bob,” Yelena began, giving her a knowing look. “How is he?”

She shrugged, jostling the remaining snacks in her arms. “I don’t know. You should ask him.”

They both looked at her suspiciously. Then at each other. Then back at her.

“We just noticed you guys have been spending a lot of time together,” Ava hinted, raising her eyebrows. “So we thought you might know.”

“I haven’t seen him since this morning. I’ve been training with Bucky all day, so I’m starved,” she laughed awkwardly. 

They groaned at her excuse.

“Come on,” Yelena sighed. “We all see you guys looking all goo-goo eyed at each other. It’s disgusting.”

“What?! I don’t—”

Ava interrupted her, stating her name sharply.

“You do,” Yelena continued. “You definitely do, even Alexei is getting annoyed.”

“Why don’t you say something?” Ava questioned her. 

Her face was burning under their pointed gazes, and she shifted from side to side, unsure how to respond.

Ava said her name again, waiting for the girl to look up at her before continuing. “You’re a badass, and he likes you. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of.”

“I don’t know—”

“Oh my God,” Yelena groaned, walking up to her and grabbing the snacks out of her arms and putting them back in the pantry shelf. “Why don’t you invite him out for food instead of stuffing your face with cheese crackers.”

She grabbed the girl’s shoulders and gently pushed her out of the kitchen.

“And take a shower! You stink!” Ava called out after her as she rushed back to her room. 

The two women watched her scurry away before looking at each other, unable to hide the coy smiles growing on their faces.

When she got back to her room, she had hoped she would feel some type of relief. She wasn’t under the prying eyes of Yelena and Ava anymore, but her mind was still racing. Did they really believe that Bob had feelings towards her too? She had sometimes thought maybe he did, like when he stayed up with her until the next morning on movie nights. Long after everyone else went to bed, they would make home on the couch, a bucket of popcorn in between them, having their own movie marathons.

Last week, Bob had introduced her to Back to the Future . Well, she had heard of it before but had never had the time to actually watch it. 

She hadn’t grown up on Earth. She was raised by Ravagers and grew up surrounded by dingy ship walls and bitter outcasts. Her parents had abandoned her as a child, and she was on her own for a while. Until one day, a little boy not that much older than her with fiery red hair picked her up and refused to let her go. Peter Quill became like an older brother to her. A piece of family she never thought she would have. He taught her how to shoot a gun and break out of a jail cell. He showed her which vents in the Ravagers’ ship led to the kitchen and where Yondu kept his spare arrows. She missed him. More than she thought she would when she decided to stay on Earth while the rest of the Guardians travelled back into space with Thor. 

She remembered saying goodbye. Peter almost refused to leave, but she had always been more stubborn. After each Guardian insisted on having their turn to hug her, Peter approached her again, handing her a small box.

“What is this?” she had asked, eyeing him with a quirked brow before taking the box from his hands. When she opened it, she found his walkman along with some other device.

“I can’t take this,” she said immediately, automatically ripping it out the box and pushing it onto his chest.

“Nah, you have to take it,” he chuckled. His eyes were glassy, and his smile was teasing, almost mournful. “You gotta have something to remember me by. Remember how you abandoned me with these losers.” He put the walkman back in her box.

“Then what’s this for?” She picked up the second device.

“That’s a pager. I put my number in there in case you ever want to reach out.”

She smiled, holding the box of gifts close to her chest. She tried to ignore the burning in her eyes. “Does it work even if we’re on different planets?”

“You’ll have to test it out,” his eyes were watering too, and he pulled her in for a final hug.

She hadn’t seen him since that day, and she hadn’t reached out either. Sometimes she would find herself just sitting with the pager, her mind dancing with the decision of sending Peter a message. But she could never do it. She usually ended up slipping on his old headphones and listening to one of his mixes on the walkman. It reminded her of home. Her old home on the Milano. This happened more often, though, before she met Yelena, Ava, and the rest of the Thunderbolts.

She felt happier now. She liked being on Earth. It was something she never got growing up. She also liked her new friends. Her new friends that became more and more like family everyday, no matter how much they tried to deny it. And, as much as she tried not to think about it, she really liked hanging out with Bob.

Sighing, she shook her head.

Fuck it.

She would say something. Tell him how she felt. But only because Yelena and Ava seemed so sure he reciprocated her feelings.

She spent her entire shower trying to find the right words to ask him to dinner, but nothing sounded right. She felt stupid. She had fought side by side Iron Man and Captain America to defeat Thanos. She could fly a spaceship. Was she really going to let the idea of talking to a boy scare her?

No.

Ava was right. She was a badass. She reminded herself of this as she walked towards her bedroom door. All she had to do was open it up, walk across the hallway, and ask Bob if he wanted to get burgers or something. She took a deep breath and swung the door open, only to find a figure already standing there, arm raised as if he were about to knock on her door.

It was Bob. Bob in his navy blue sweater and corduroy pants. Bob with his curly hair framing his face, with that dorky smile that always made her face turn red. He swallowed nervously, letting out an awkward laugh as he slowly brought his arm down.

“Hi,” he said, his voice almost a whisper as he looked at her intensely.

“Hey,” she squeaked back, her confidence from five seconds ago quickly depleting.

He cleared his throat, his hands clasped tightly together in front of him. Despite his efforts to make himself seem smaller, his broad shoulders felt like they took up her entire door frame. She tried not to think about how good he looked.

“I was wondering if maybe you wanted to grab dinner with me?” His words came out quick, like if he didn’t say them now, he probably never would. “I heard the burger place down the block also has good milkshakes.”

She didn’t say anything at first. Really, she was shocked. He asked her before she had even gotten the chance to approach him. When she didn’t say anything for a moment, he began to look worried.

“We don’t have to, though, if that’s too wei–”

“No!” she interrupted him quickly. “I would really like that.”

“Really?” A soft smile began to grow on his face.

“Of course.” She smiled right back.

So, they went to dinner. They both ordered a burger, fries, and a milkshake, hers chocolate and his vanilla, of course. They talked about anything and everything. Bob caught her up on the current book he was reading (Bucky had recommended The Hobbit ), and they made plans to binge all of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings movies once he finished all of the books. She told him about her adventures with the Guardians and all of the stupid arguments her old teammates always had. He was still fascinated by the fact that she had not only been to space, but she had also grown up there too. That, and the fact she also knew a talking racoon.

They spent hours at the diner, talking and sipping on their milkshakes, until finally, a waiter came over and told them the restaurant was closing soon. Bob picked up the check, refusing to let her pay no matter how much she insisted, and they walked back to the Watchtower.

She thought about holding his hand, but she didn’t want to push it.

When they got back to the team’s penthouse, it was quiet. Not quite ready to go to bed, they sat down on the couch. She tried not to think about how close they were to each other. How their legs were brushing against one another’s. They sat like that for a while, quietly. It was a comfortable silence for the most part, but her mind was racing, the butterflies in her stomach picking up.

She wanted to kiss him. She really did. But she had never kissed anyone before. Before she was on Earth, she never really had the time. Or the want. She saw how many women Peter tried sneaking into his room, and she never really understood why. She had never been interested in anyone like that. 

Not until she met Bob. 

But now that she knew she wanted to kiss him, she also knew that she had no idea how to kiss anyone. It was embarrassing, really. Most people her age had been in relationships already, and she had never even had her first kiss.

Bob whispered her name so quietly she could barely hear it, but she still jumped in surprise as his voice pulled her from her thoughts.

“Thanks for getting dinner with me,” he smiled shyly at her, and she returned his look.

“Thanks for asking.”

“Maybe we could go again tomorrow?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I'd like that a lot.”

They were quiet again for a moment, but before she could spiral into her thoughts for the second time, Bob spoke.

He said her name softly as he shifted his body on the couch to face her head on. His eyes were serious, and they shifted between looking at her own eyes and her lips. He leaned in closer, placing a hand softly onto her thigh and the other on her waist.

She froze. This was it. He was going to kiss her, and she wanted him to kiss her. But she also had no idea how to kiss him back.

He leaned in even closer (somehow that was possible) and stopped for a moment, looking at her, waiting for a sign that she was good, that he could keep going. She took in a shaky breath and gave him a small nod.

When his lips finally touched hers, they felt surprisingly warm, assured. The complete opposite of how she was feeling. She felt like a bumbling mess. She had no idea what to do with her hands. She had always heard not to think about how to kiss someone and just to let it happen. But that felt impossible at the moment. She tried to let him guide the kiss and simply follow his lead, and that worked for a moment until suddenly, he wasn’t there anymore. And neither was the silence they had found comfort in.

In its place was the thunderous sound of thousands of heroes and aliens charging towards each other, attacking each other all around her.

Then she saw it. Herself. Fighting the Chitauri, shooting down every alien that she could, but she was running out of time. They were starting to corner her. She remembered when this happened. It was years ago, in the Avengers’ final fight against Thanos. 

Then she saw him. Peter. After five years of not knowing if he was alive. After hearing from Nebula he had been turned to dust. He was there, in front of her and alive. She remembered how happy she was, how thankful she was to see him.

She watched as he helped take down the remaining Chitauri that had her trapped. She watched her past self as she ran toward him, jumping into his embrace. They gripped each other tightly, and her past self laughed almost hysterically as she fought against tears.

Then there was a shift. He paused. He had seen something else. Someone else . His grip loosened, slowly releasing her, and her past and present self turned to look at what he saw.

It was her. Gamora.

Peter had left her side now, walking slowly towards Gamora, his eyes wide in awe and admiration. He left her alone to watch as he ran back to Gamora. Again. 

It wasn’t that she was jealous of Gamora. She just felt intimidated anytime she was around. And a little bit sad. Forgotten, maybe. She had grown up with Peter, watching him bulldoze through thousands of hookups and one-night stands. Sure, it was annoying, but at the end of the day, she knew she still had him. He would always look out for her, always have her back. Not to say that after he met Gamora he didn’t look out for her anymore, but things were definitely different. He started going to Gamora for second opinions instead of her, and started only looking for Gamora’s approval of his ideas.

So, it hurt when he ran straight to Gamora after not seeing him for years. And watching it all over again, those feelings came right back.

She shook her head violently, wanting to be anywhere but in that memory. She closed her eyes tightly, pushing against her tears and her own brain. She wanted out, out, out .

Then, it was quiet again. A panicked voice was calling her name, and a hand nudged her shoulder softly. She opened her eyes to see Bob again, a worried look on his face. She looked all around her, taking in the environment. She wasn’t in the past anymore. She was here, in the penthouse, with Bob.

“A-are you okay?” Bob asked, his voice laced with concern.

She nodded quickly. She was pretty sure she was fine. Her face felt wet, though, and she wiped her cheeks with her sleeve. Had she been crying?

“You went somewhere else, didn’t you?”

She looked at him dumbly. She felt like an idiot. She had spent the past few months thinking about kissing Bob, and when she had finally gotten the chance, she blew it. Maybe if she hadn’t been in her own head so much, she wouldn’t have ruined it.

“I’m sorry,” Bob muttered, his eyes down cast. He scooted away from her, not wanting to touch her. Not wanting to accidentally send her into another bad memory.

She shook her head, watching as he moved away. Even though she didn’t really want him to. “It’s not your fault,” she tried to reassure him, but she could tell he didn’t believe her.

“I’m gonna, uh,” she continued. She stood up, hugging herself. “I’m gonna go to bed. I’ll, uh–I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She rushed out of the living area and back to her room, wishing she could disappear.

The next few days felt never ending. She sunk herself into her training, using it as a distraction from the fact she hadn’t spoken to Bob in days. He was clearly avoiding her. Every morning when she made her way into the kitchen, he was already there, eating a bowl of cereal and refusing to even glance in her direction.

It hurt, but she understood. She had run away after he kissed her, with no explanation. And, in all honesty, she had been avoiding him since that night too. She just missed him. Missed getting to spend time with him every day. 

Instead, she spent time in the gym. And when she wasn’t attacking punching bags or trying not to die on the treadmill, she was in her room. Alone with her thoughts and Peter’s walkman. She tried to use the music to drown out the old memories flooding her brain. Ever since seeing her past self that night, she kept remembering her life before being on Earth. Before the Blip. Before the Guardians, even.

Back when Yondu would send her on smuggling missions once Peter was too big to actually fit in the vents anymore. Back when Yondu deemed missions “too dangerous” for her to join him and Peter, and he would leave her behind. Stuck with the rest of the Ravagers. The Ravagers that would leave her on less-than-safe planets for “fun,” forcing her to find her way back on her own. When she did eventually find her way back, they would still taunt her relentlessly, telling her she would never be a real Ravager. Not that she even wanted to be anyway.

She wanted to be just like Peter. Peter, who was charismatic and good at taking down whatever enemies got in Yondu’s way. Peter was always Yondu’s favorite, and she was always the second choice. The one Yondu would take along only when Peter was too busy with another mission.

She had finally left the confines of her room, choosing to go sit outside instead. She was sitting on the edge of the landing pad, her feet dangling over the streets of New York. She held her pager, staring at the number Peter left for her.

Maybe she should finally reach out. It had been a few years since the Guardians left on their search for Gamora. Maybe they had found her. Her fingers hovered over the device. A small part of her told her to just do it. To not think about it and send him a message. It didn’t have to be anything crazy or deep, maybe just a simple “Hey, how are you?” But, a bigger part of her was scared. Scared to reach out to him only to never hear back.

That was where Bucky found her, sitting at the rails of the helicopter pad. The rest of the New Avengers knew something was up. They had noticed she and Bob were never together anymore, annoying the rest of them with their constant, yet somehow oblivious, flirting with each other. They noticed that she had also spent less and less time with them as a group, choosing instead to hide away in the gym or her room.

He had been looking for her that evening. They had just finished eating dinner, and she opted not to join them once again. So, he took it upon himself to make her a plate and bring it to her room. When he knocked on her door, though, she didn’t answer. She wasn't there, and he also didn’t find her in the gym either. He asked around, to see if anyone else knew where she was, but all he was met with were shrugs. 

That was until he ran into Bob. Bob, who quietly informed him he saw her make her way outside to the landing pad. And, sure enough, that’s where he found her.

He called her name softly, and she turned to look at him, watching as he sat down beside her and placed a bowl of mac and cheese in between them. 

“I brought you some food.” He looked at her carefully, as if he was trying to figure out what was going on inside her head. “We missed you at dinner.”

She scoffed. “Thank you.” She looked back down at the pager in her hands.

“What’s that?” Bucky asked, nodding towards the device.

“Pager,” she responded. Her brows furrowed. “Shouldn’t you know that? Aren’t you like a hundred years old?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “Over one hundred, and that’s actually past my time.”

She smiled, “Right.” 

There was a beat of silence between them.

“It’s from Peter,” she spoke again. “He was one of my friends before being here. Before the Blip.”

Bucky nodded, but he didn’t say anything. He just waited for her to continue.

She took a deep breath. “He gave it to me in case I ever wanted to reach out. Put his number on it.”

“Have you?”

She shook her head.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I guess…I guess I’m just afraid he won’t answer.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t give you his number if he wasn’t going to answer.”

She shrugged. “He’s probably too busy to respond, anyway.”

“How would you know that if you haven’t reached out?”

“What are you doing?” she huffed. “Did you come out here just to lecture me?” She looked at him, her furrowed eyebrows turning into a scowl.

His head dropped. “No. No, I came out to make sure you’re okay. We’re worried about you.”

She turned to stare at the streets below them. “I’m fine. Just…tired I guess.”

“Did something happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t been around. You missed movie night yesterday. I don’t know, I just feel like something’s up.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment, and he said her name again. “You can talk to me.”

She thought about his offer, chewing on her lip. She knew she could trust him. Bucky was there for her after the final battle with Thanos. He took her under his wing, offering her a place to stay. But she knew he had his own demons, his own battles. She didn’t want to be a burden on him, so when she finally got a job, she moved into her own place. Then, they found each other again. Through Valentina, of all people.

“Me and Bob…kissed,” she said finally, so quiet he almost didn’t hear her.

“Really?” Bucky mused. “How’d that go?”

She grimaced. “Not great. I ran out on him. Left him alone on the couch.”

“Ouch.”

“Wait, no! It wasn’t his fault. It was me,” she stammered. “I mean, he was great.”

Bucky tried and failed to hide his smile. “I’m sure he was.”

She felt her face burning. What was she doing?  

“Geez,” she groaned, hiding her face in her hands, the pager dropping to the floor beside her. She lifted her head to look at it again, the memories of Peter and the Guardians rushing back into her mind.

“When we kissed,” she continued. “It took me back to a memory. From when we fought Thanos for the last time.”

Bucky nodded, letting her continue.

“I saw myself. And Peter. I hadn’t seen him in five years at the time. I thought I would never see him again. When we saw each other, we hugged each other so tight. I didn’t want to let go.”

She could feel the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“But then he let go. Because he saw her. ”

Bucky looked at her carefully. “Who?”

She laughed dryly. She sounded ridiculous. “Gamora. His girlfriend . He ran straight to her. It didn’t surprise me, really, but it still hurt. You know?”

Bucky nodded.

She went on, “I didn’t know it at the time, but he thought she was dead. Well, technically she was . But he didn’t think he would ever see her again, and then he did. And I understood that, I thought the same thing about him. But I just…”

She paused for a moment, gathering her words. “Ever since Gamora came into our lives, and we became the Guardians of the Galaxy, it felt like I lost a piece of him. Like I used to be his number one. His best friend. And then that became…her.

“And it was fine. I mean, I made new friends too, but…my new best friend was a talking racoon. And his best friend was a tree.” She laughed pathetically. She felt stupid, sitting there crying in front of the Winter Soldier about having no friends. He must have had better things to worry about.

He shifted closer to her, placing a firm hand on her shoulder and squeezing it gently. “You’re being too hard on yourself,” he said softly.

She sniffled. “I’m just tired of always being everyone’s second choice. My parents abandoned me. Then my fake-dad liked my fake-brother better than me. And then my fake-brother decided to get a girlfriend that was ten times better than I was.” Her words came out in hiccups.

Bucky let out a quiet, “Come here,” before pulling her into a tight embrace. She hid her face into her hands, tucking herself into his side.

“You’re not everyone’s second choice,” he told her, adamant. “We all care about you. We all want you here. You’re an asset to our team, and you’re a great friend.” He squeezed her to his chest, letting her release all of the emotions she had been holding back for years.

He didn’t let her go until she pulled back on her own.

“For what it’s worth, I can definitely think of one person who considers you their first choice.” Bucky paused, pretending to think. “Hmm, yeah. You are definitely their favorite out of our little group, although,” he grimaced. “Your competition isn’t that great, so I don’t know how flattered you should be.”

He nudged her shoulder playfully, and she laughed, her sniffles fading away. “Oh yeah? Who’s that?”

He looked at her as if it was obvious. “Oh I don’t know, the one person that knew exactly where to find you when I asked.”

She nodded her head and looked down, attempting to hide the smile sneaking onto her face. “Bob,” she whispered.

“Bob,” Bucky confirmed. Another beat of silence. “You should talk to him.”

She took a deep breath in. “I don’t think he wants me to do that. He avoids me like the plague, he can’t even look at me.”

“Okay, now that,” he pointed at her. “That is a lie. He cannot take his eyes off of you. He’s just good at hiding it.”

She shook her head, eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t kn–”

“I’m serious,” he butted in, giving her a sharp look. “Just at least try. Please. Okay? If not for your sake then for the rest of ours.”

She nodded. “Okay, I will.”

“And eat this,” he continued, picking up the bowl of mac and cheese and plopping it down on her lap. “Before it gets cold. Yelena worked too hard on it for it to go to waste.”

That night, she found herself pacing back and forth in her room, trying to muster up the courage to go knock on Bob’s door. It reminded her of just a few days ago, when she was convincing herself to ask him on a date. Except when she opened the door this time, he was not already there, waiting for her. So, she took a deep breath and made the short trek to his side of the hallway. Before she could even think about turning around and running back to her room, she lifted her hand and landed three soft knocks on his door.

She waited for a moment, nothing happened. She couldn’t hear anything on the other side of the door. Maybe he was out. Just as she was turning to walk back to her room, the door swung open, and Bob’s voice called out her name.

She turned to face him. He was in his pajamas, a hoodie pulled over his head. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yeah, I, uh,” she ran her hand through her hair, trying to release some of her nerves. “I wanted to talk to you.”

He swallowed, nodding quickly. “Sure. Do you wanna…” he trailed off, opening his door a little bit wider. He motioned inside.

She nodded back, stepping into his room. It wasn’t her first time in there. There was one night where she had woken up from a nightmare, unable to fall back asleep. When she went to the kitchen to grab herself some water, she found Bob already there, raiding the fridge for a midnight snack. Since they both knew sleep was not in the cards for them that night, they grabbed a Monopoly board from the living area and took it back to Bob’s room. They played Monopoly until six in the morning, and both ended up falling asleep on the bedroom floor.

They stood there for a moment. Bob waited for her to speak, but she was wrapped up in her own thoughts, remembering that night. Finally, she broke the quiet tension between them.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Bob. For leaving you the other night. And for ignoring you the past few days. I was just…scared I guess.”

He watched her for a moment, then said, “I’m sorry for scaring you.” 

Her eyes grew. That wasn’t what she meant at all .

“No!” she said suddenly, startling him. “ You didn’t scare me, Bob. I just…when we kissed, you disappeared, and I saw myself. Myself from years ago. It was a memory I forgot about, one pushed down, but it came back that night. and I’ve kind of just been…wallowing since then.”

“That was my fault,” he argued. “That still happens sometimes when I touch someone. They see things they don’t want to. They have to relive memories they hate. I knew that it could’ve happened to you, but I kissed you anyway.”

“I knew that, though.”

He stared at her, eyebrows creased in confusion. “Wh-what?”

“I knew that there was a chance it would happen, but I didn’t care.”

“You didn’t?”

“No, I didn’t. Because I like you, Bob. And I wanted to kiss you,” she was rambling now, the words flowing out of her like a waterfall. “And I’ve missed you the past few days. A lot.”

“I like you too,” he confessed. She could see his cheeks turning red, and she could feel her face heating up.

She went to grab his hand, but he backed away from her touch. He apologized. “I don’t want to send you back there again.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think you did. I think I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was so nervous that night. So in my own head. I had never kissed anyone before, and I was so worried about messing it up. About not being good enough. I think all those negative thoughts are what brought that memory back.”

He nodded, taking in her words. Trying to understand. “You could never not be good enough,” he promised. 

His words caused her face to heat up even more, and she looked away, trying to hide it. He said her name, and she turned to look at him again.

He stepped closer to her, grabbing the arm of her sweatshirt. “Would you maybe want to try again?”

She didn’t even have to think about her answer. She nodded softly, her breath hitching as his hand moved from her sweatshirt to her neck, cupping her jaw, his other hand placed on the small of her back. She was still nervous, yes, the butterflies dancing around her stomach made that obvious. But it was a different kind of nervous than before. It was more of an anticipation. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him in closer until, finally, their lips touched. She didn’t even have to think about it this time. It was natural. Right.

The kiss started off tender, sweet. But soon, it turned into something more hungry, like they had been waiting months to explore each other in this way. And honestly, they had.

After what felt like hours, they finally broke apart, but they didn’t let go, still holding each other close.

“You still here with me?” Bob breathed, his hands traveling down her sides to rest on her waist.

She laughed breathlessly and nodded, their noses bumping together with her movement. “I’m here,” she whispered.

He leaned in again, and she could feel the smile in his kiss.

“For someone so worried about messing up, you’re pretty good at this,” he teased, squeezing her sides.

His words sent heat through her body, and she shoved him back playfully. “Shut up,” she rolled her eyes.

He laughed along with her, and they both settled into a comfortable silence.

“Maybe now everyone can get off our backs about this,” he said, pointing between the two of them.

“God, yes,” she groaned, shaking her head. “Yelena and Ava would not leave me alone.”

“It was John for me,” he chuckled.

“You’re kidding.”

“I really wish I was. That guy’s an asshole.”

“...Sooo, how are we feeling about getting some milkshakes right now?”

“I was about to say the same thing.”

[lolahasmoxie]

Conversations at 3 AM (E.M.)

PAIRING: Eddie Munson x Reader

WORD: 1.3k

WARNING: nudity, language, casual intimacy, established relationship, friends to lovers, mentions of getting pregnant, mentions of sexy times, heart-to-heart talks (Eddie & reader are 25)

CONCEPT: You and Eddie aren't used to people sticking around.

DIVIDER FROM @firefly-graphics

Even though you were born at 6 a.m. on the dot, you were a night owl through and through.

During high school and college, summer meant you became a nocturnal creature, much to the annoyance of your family. There was one person it never annoyed, though.

You had met Eddie in elementary school after he moved into the trailer across from yours. From the day you met, you had been thick as thieves. For years, your friends watched as you skirted the line of will they won't they, watching the other traverse dating and relationships with an envious eye. It wasn't until a year ago, when Eddie kissed you during the middle of a movie night, that you had finally become more.

Tonight, you'd had dinner at Steve's house with the whole gang, seeing as Mike, Dustin, and Lucas were all in town for a long weekend from college. The boys had planned a one-off campaign at your shared apartment the following night, and by midnight, you and Eddie were in your home.

Side by side, you brushed your teeth, trying not to laugh as Eddie made faces at you in the mirror. Once in your Queen bed, Eddie's hands began mapping your body, and in a practiced routine that felt like breathing, you let him love you until sleep came for you both.

However, this time, sleep only came for Eddie.

You had tried everything to fall back asleep: counting sheep, listing Metallica songs followed by Black Sabbath, breathing in time with Eddie. Nothing worked. So, as carefully as you could, you crawled out of his hold, placing your pillow closer to Eddie when he started to stir. As his gangly arms wound around the object, you entered your kitchen.

You had been at the table for a while when you heard soft footsteps coming down the hallway. Turning your head, you watch as your tall metalhead boy walks into the kitchen naked as a jaybird, cock dangling freely as his hands wipe at his eyes like a little boy.

"What time issit." he mumbles as Eddie comes up behind you. He wraps his arms around you, placing a kiss on your hairline. "Why are you still up?"

"Almost 3 a.m. and I tried to go to sleep, but no dice," you say. He nods in understanding before sitting next to you at the table.

"I was having this great dream; you were wearing that black number you wore to our last show at the Hideout? Anyway, you were letting me drag you to the bathroom to do unspeakable things to you when I woke up, and instead of rubbing against my pretty girlfriend, I was humping your pillow. By the way, I'm pretty sure there's a stain, and I'm sorry in advance." You can't help but smile as you dip a carrot into the hummus.

"Didn't want to wake you up. You know how I toss and turn when I can't sleep."

"So there's no reason you're up at almost 3 a.m. eating," he paused as he reached for the container of hummus. "Jalapeno hummus? Holy fuck, you're not pregnant, are you?"

"No, you asshole," you playfully slap Eddie's arm as he tries to play off his terrified expression. "Nice to know how you feel about the topic, though."

"I'm just warning you, we could be on a babymaking schedule to get knocked up; I will still probably freak the fuck out when it does happen, so just a heads up for when we get there."

"Duly noted." you chuckle. Eddie laces his hand into yours and brings them to his lips. You can feel his eyes on you; you know Eddie will give you your space to work out whatever is going on in your brain. But he's also a persistent asshole who won't stop until he finds out why you left him alone in bed. "Does this ever feel too good, Eds?"

"What do you mean?"

"Us. I mean, we disagree on things, but we never really fight. Being together with you has always just felt scarily easy; I've never had that with other boyfriends." You sigh as you look at your joined hands. "Feels like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know for what."

"Easy, I know what it is," Eddie says as he gives your hand a squeeze. "You're waiting for the other shoe to drop." When you meet his gaze, those cow-brown eyes study you, looking at you with more love than you think you can handle.

"Elaborate, please."

"You and I have always been alike," he begins. "our dating histories are littered with people telling us we were too much. Too loud, too needy, or too whatever. But here's the good part, babe. You will never be too much for me. Ever."

"You mean it?" You're impressed that he could sum up your feelings so succinctly. He grins at you, a beautiful smile spreading from ear to ear.

"Of course I mean it. I had to watch you date assholes for ten years; you really think I'm gonna let you go now that I'm lucky enough to call you mine? Not a chance, sweetheart." You reach out a hand and cup his cheek, and you can't help but smile when Eddie leans into your touch.

"Thank you, Eddie."

"No problem; you know, I had resigned myself to loving you from afar a long time ago. Sometimes, when I wake up next to you, I feel like I gotta pinch myself to make sure it's real."

"You're such a cheeseball," you tease. "Why don't you head back to bed? I'm gonna clean up and join you in a minute." You stand from your chair, but Eddie stops you with a tug of your hand. In a flash, you're on his lap. Your hands hold onto his shoulders, although you're in no danger of falling. Edde's grip is secure as he gives you a look you are all too familiar with. You speak his name, and he raises a hand to push the hair from your face.

"You know, it was very mean to leave me in that big bed all by myself," he begins, his hand cupping your cheek. You feel your body warm as his thumb caresses your cheek. "Why don't you let me take you back to bed and help quiet that big brain of yours. Sound good, sweetheart?"

You lean in to kiss your man, his arms wrapping tight around you as he fists your shirt in his hands. When his tongue runs along the seam of your lips, you happily grant him access, tangling your hands in his hair while you slowly start to grind against him. When you feel him hard and warm underneath you, you think you may never want to sleep again.

You both enjoy the kiss, neither of you rushing things. You pull back when you need air, and while Eddie's face is happy, there's something else. You raise an eyebrow as he licks his lips.

"You taste like salsa." You can't help but laugh as you lean forward and bury your nose in his neck. He pulls you closer, hands caressing your back like you're the most precious being in his universe. You can feel his chuckle as your chests press together.

You stay still for a moment to enjoy being surrounded by him. One of the things you loved about being nocturnal was how quiet the world was at almost 3 a.m. You hum contentedly when you feel Eddie's lips against your hair. You close your eyes, wanting to commit this moment, this feeling to memory.

"Alright," Eddie taps you on the ass and breaks the silence. "Let me take you back to bed, alright?" You climb out of his lap and softly kiss the corner of his mouth.

"I'll go brush my teeth. Why don't you go make sure the bed is warm." Eddie hops up, cock bobbing comically as he begins to do a naked run back to your room.

"I'll keep the home fires burning! If I fall asleep, wake me up with head!"

BONUS: THE NEXT DAY

Dustin: I'm just gonna have a seat here, and we can get started.

Eddie: fair warning, my naked ass has been on that chair.

Dustin: 😳

Dustin: like, recently naked?

Eddie: last night.

Dustin: you're a fucking animal.

Eddie: 😁

[the-one-and-only-duckduckgo]

Alright folks, I've taken up reading tma again (sorry for the delay, had a bunch of stuff to sort out before) and finally arrived at mag 60! Since I now have a faithful audience of one (1) person that I must disappoint, may I present:

The Magnus Archives but I'm halfway through season 2 (and the confusion somehow got worse)

The episodes are named "MAG[...]" and that's apparently because of "Magnus".

I know, that's pretty obvious. I'm dumb, ok?

There's Michael, he's tall, distorted and HANDsome and I love him.

He kidnaps people and talks about philosophy. What an icon. I'm gay

That (the kidnappings, not me being gay) really annoys the main character. I think he should take another cup of coffee and let Art be.

Speaking of our favourite jalapeno, he entered his paranoid era!

Babygirl is archiving all over the Magnus and spying on his colleagues. What a slay.

Scary Switcheroo Sasha is Not Happy At All about it.

Well, to be honest, nobody is. Except Martin. An absolute gem.

"I am not a who, I'm a what" WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THAT SENTENCE? IT'S SO PHILOSOPHICAL I'M PUTTING THAT ON MY METAPHORICAL YEARBOOK AND EMBROIDERING IT ON EVERY TABLECLOTH I CAN FIND

GERARD KEAY IS BACK HE'S ON HOLIDAY I LOVE HIM.

Simon Fairchild is everywhere who is that man is he dead is he God's servant did he write Ex Altiora?

Same for the Lukas did a guy named Lukas decide to make a plethora of children, give them all his name and raise them in the true ways of evil so that they can keep his legacy alive? Are these all clones determined to make our overpopulated planet experience loneliness?

These two names scare me more than my neighbour, which is impressive. My neighbour is very dreadful.

I can't even see an alliance between the both in my worst nightmares it would be so awful like- oh wait they did it. Nevermind.

Fairchild/ Lukas ship when?

OKAY THIS IS DERIVATING CHANGING TOPIC...UH... MICHAEL. I LOVE MICHAEL. I THINK HIS HALLWAY LOOKS FANCY.

Oh yeah funny thought since both Michael and the door are part of something bigger, does it mean that Helen became part of it too? Will we get Cool Technicolor Helen ?

I Do Not Understand the link between all of these. Is it a plot made by Jürgen Leitner to confuse me?

When does Elias Bouchard reveal his cover and accept his identity of secret weedsmoking hypervillain ?

Agnes the orphanage girl is sus, amirite?

So, yeah, season two started, even more spiders, ceaseless watching, meat, rot, insects, my unending love for Basira (my queen), and the boneturner guy who got a new job where he, well, turns bones. Fascinating!

It's behind you.

So? Anything to tell me that might be useful to know? Am I having any paranormal experience? Any tickets for the next Grifter's bone concert you're willing to share? Who the fuck is the clown grandpa and why does his memory seem to linger on the podcast like duct tape scars on thin paper?

Good luck answering these, you have an hour.

With love (and infinite hate for Jürgen Leitner),

Vik.

[epic-the-musical-confessions]

I see so many people criticizing Epic about "adding" an SA plot in Hold Them Down, when, arguably, the addition (if it is one) fits with the overall themes in Greek myths and the original Homeric poem

Except it wasn't in the original Homeric poem. And not every myth in Greek mythology references SA.

Epic fandom stop using my country's religion to justify rape culture PLEASE. I'm so tired of it. These are stories I grew up with. These are gods I am actively worshiping to this day. Stop trying to justify every single change that was made to the story by saying "it makes sense/it's referenced in the myths".

Sometimes a writer just absolutely fucks up a topic. Mr. Jalapeno is no different. Get over it and stop talking over SA survivors and people who are still in worship PLEASE.

.

[2024-grimoire-challenge]

May Week 4: Changing it Up

This week we will change it up from the depth of divination we've dived into the rest of this month and do some fun practical activities as summer gets on in full. Along with that we will still be doing the gem/ herb/ other study we normally do, but this week will be a lot of hands on stuff! So let's get our hands dirty witches!

Monday - What's in the cauldron?

Practical - Pick one of those Witchy recipes you see floating around, or just any recipe you'd like really! One you haven't made before or have been wanting to make for a while, and make it! I'm making honey lavender bread this week, along with a maple butter pork butt, cut into thick slices and kebab'd with some onion, pineapple and jalapeno! Write out the recipe, the directions, and if it has any ritual connotations/ magical associations or purpose, add those to the recipe!

Research/ New Page - Herb Study - Pick another herb from your list and go nuts! Study everything about it from its history and myths around it, to how to grow it and what its associations are!

Tuesday - Artsy Fartsy Witchy Stuff

Practical - Is there any craft you've seen on the internet or in a movie or show or even in a book that you've wanted to make that pertains to your craft and your practice? What is a better way to celebrate your craft than to get out and do it! Get the materials, make the craft and write up a little snippet about it and its purpose/ uses in your grimoire!

Practical/ Mental Health - Yeah, that's right, we care about mental health. Get up, get out, and enjoy the outdoors! Take a walk, drink some water, take your meds, take a nap and relax! Life can get so busy and it is just as important to take care of ourselves, mentally, emotionally and physically as it is to take care of the myriad tasks we have going on.

Wednesday - Dirty Hands? The doing is the thing!

Practical- Ya know all those herbs we've been studying. Well, at least where I live it is summertime. So if you're able, even if it is in a small planter in the house, get some herbs and plant them! Basil, lavender, lemon balm, thyme, sage, anything! Plant em and care for them. It can help give you a better understanding of the herb to watch it grow and care for it!

Thursday - Candles and incense and crystals, OH MY!

Practical - Okay, so its not all writing and research for this challenge. Getting your hands dirty is sometimes the best way to learn! So get a ritual, or spell (make one if you need to and want to!) and perform it! DO the thing. Whatever it is and whatever it is for, add it to your grimoire if you'd like! My grimoire is a few different books that collectively make up the things that pertains to my practice. I keep my spells and rituals in one book. My information in another. Recipes in yet another. Divination/ dreams in yet another. It's a nice little collection. But however you do it, make a page for your spell or ritual. Do it in your lab book if need be so you can look back at it and change it, expand d on it if need be.

Friday - Music, is it magic?

Practical/ Rest - Is there any music that you use to feel Witchy? Is there any music that helps you get in the zone? Make a playlist, or several if you're extra organized, and just put it on and listen to it. Feel it. Really get into the music.

Research/ New Page - Gem study/ Other - Whether it is the gem you're doing or another form of study, take time to really discover all you can about the topic you've chosen. Myths, legends, practical and magical uses! History, physical properties, all of it!

Gosh that's a lot even this week! I'm proud of all of you keeping up with this challenge and can't wait to keep going for the second half of the year! We're nearing that halfway point! Keep up the great work everyone and if you ever have any suggestions or ideas of just want to chat about the challenge, reach out to me on this blog or my main @thehazeldruid

Good luck and happy crafting witches!

-Mod Hazel

[a11sunday]

from: continuation verse: canon divergent main.

honey-hued gaze meets his, then watches as @lovehungered settles, suavely offering a drink. she hesitates,  then gives a soft nod.  “a mango jalapeno margarita. perhaps you’d also like to give it a try.”  

in between missions, she introduced him to a number of delicacies and specialties in the island’s cuisine. it had become a topic they could both indulge in outside of the tasks they were assigned with. today’s rendezvous, however, was not one of those times. 

her sight gifted her with the knowledge that her underground friends, the tontattas, were hard at work devising a plan to aid in the freedom of the country. then, there was the matter of the strawhats, a ship and crew she was tasked to be on the lookout for. she’s read of their exploits in the papers,  but she wasn’t sure what she read could be believed given that the media could certainly be twisted by the wrong influences. whether they would worsen the situation on the island or aid it was yet to be seen. viola would remain wary until then and play the part. 

“there is a ship nearing the shore along the east side of the island. i believe it’s the shipment doflamingo has been waiting for, but there seems to be an issue amongst the crew.  i can’t quite make it out yet,  they’ll have to get closer for me to get a better understanding of what might be the problem.  –we should handle it.”   

while her father’s pacifist ideals had rubbed off on her growing up, circumstances changed.  she’s changed.  

still, these never-ending errands that often resulted in bloodshed did not result in any pleasure. it was but a duty to perform. 

“do you…”  her gaze drops to the table,  looking down at her hands, palms face down atop the rustic surface.  “do you not tire of it?  this life.” 

[kindred-spirit-93]

I’ve been listening to thunder bringer on loop and let me tell you I also feeel things. Specifically gender envy oh gods I need that voice I need to sound like that

literally ever cast member is the perfect fit for their roles its unreal, from backing vocals to lead characters they all bring this musical to life and quite frankly i owe them mine.

zeus' va delivers every single fucking time without fail, he captures the regality and arrogance so well omg

mr jalapeno is an absolute genius in songwriting, the first few listens to thunder bringer (and the musical in its entirety) i focused more on the music and enjoying the animatics, but as of my 17th epic binge sesh lol im coming to really appreciate not only the brilliance of the lyrics but also the themes and motifs that correspond to each figure and i could go on forever but im already severely off topic lol im sorry

in conclusion. we stan

[mesetacadre]

on the topic of of food

1 large can of black beans 2 medium sized jalapenos 1 large onion and 1 large bell pepper and a handful of cilantro sautee the vegetables and cilantro in a very large amount of chili powder for ~8 minutes then pour in the beans and bring them to a boil, then lower the heat and simmer it. also make some rice

.

[sueske]

you're not that fond of minakushi? OMG ME NEITHER!!! i can't believe someone else actually agrees with me on that too. personally i don't like it cuz i think their love story is lame and they're not good parents to naruto. minato is worse for obvious reasons but my unpopular opinion is i think kushina isn't a great parent either. when she's talking to baby naruto she's mentioning all the things they she wants him to know of, and she mentions girls 😭 like lady he isn't even 5 minutes old!! and she says this world is made of men and women and you'll eventually notice girls...but knowing he did NOT notice girls 🤭 just makes me wonder how she'd react to him being in love with sasuke. and i don't think she'd react positively. (another unpopular opinion) even before that scene she was talking really traditionally and i feel like she'd also put expectations on naruto and want him to behave exactly as she wants him to and she won't accept anything else. i feel like she'd be just as bad as everyone else who puts expectations on him already. and his story with sasuke would end in tragedy even if his parents were alive, bc the way she was talking only about girls as if there's no other option...yeah she's definitely one of THOSE parents. another thing i don't like is when she said everything and minato didn't bc she's the mOtHer and kishi has every woman's entire personality bc a mother and a wife but that's the narrative writing, not her. he even made her give up her dream of becoming the first female hokage 😭 cuz women sacrificing their dreams for dumbass kids is fine bc their dreams obviously aren't as important as men's 🙄 anyway ppl always make her and minato the "good parents" in sns fics and make sasuke's parents to be the "bad" ones as if little miss red hot jalapeno wasn't the one talking to naruto about girls only 🤨 i need then to lay off on sasuke's parents fr...i feel like the only reason they might disapprove is bc they're really traditional and want to uphold their family name...but they clearly don't have any specific expectations for sasuke, if fugaku telling sasuke to walk his own path, a different path from his brother itachi, is anything to go by. so we not only have evidence that kushina would most likely not approve of naruto being gay but we also know sasuke's parents are more accepting of him being different. case closed. this is similar to when in fics they make naruto the nice kind angel and sasuke the jerk for no reason 😭 they truly think sasuke and his family are just jerks naturally and naruto and his family are sweet and accepting, just bc they're louder and more extroverted...it's like how ppl treat introverts irl, they think we hate ppl and are rude for no reason. anyway that got kinda off topic but yeah that's why i don't personally like minakushi. i feel like most ppl just have a bias towards them bc they're naruto's parents and everyone has a soft spot for the MCs parents. especially if they're dead and the Mc never got to be with them. what's your reason?

…okay I don’t like minakushi cuz I don’t like minato lol. the one shot also left me 😐 I’ve also complained about kushina giving up her dream of becoming hokage to become the hokage’s wife instead before but that doesn’t make me hate her or anything. I don’t hold kushina’s last words to baby naruto against her either, she was trying to cover what she considered to be major topics before she died. to make up for lost time, to make up for the fact she wouldn’t be there to see naruto grow up and offer her advice and opinions then. I’ve also answered how I think sns’ families might react to a relationship here. I do think kushina would be the type of mom to be really involved in her son’s life and make her opinions and what she thinks he should do known.

[finishinglinepress]

FLP CHAPBOOK OF THE DAY: All the world collected by Lynne Sherbondy

On SALE now! Pre-order Price Guarantee: https://www.finishinglinepress.com/product/all-the-world-collected-by-lynne-sherbondy/

Lynne always planned to become a poet, but her life took a pivot and she wound-up writing plays and screenplays. Still, she never stopped writing poetry. The poems in All the world collected are her most recent. #poetry #chapbook #life

PRAISE FOR All the world collected by Lynne Sherbondy

All the world collected is an account of what it means to live with loss and look it squarely in the eye. Lynne’s writing is emotionally connected and has moments of utter brilliance. She has achieved a voice that is fierce and heart-shatteringly honest about topics that are often avoided. A must read for anyone ready to explore issues of grief.

–Lael Cassidy, author of before the bloom

In Lynne Sherbondy’s All the world collected, she offers a list of the things that bring joy: “Free delivery, thin crust pizza, jalapeno jelly, Cosmopolitans…” then adds “none of it kept time from taking her face./Yet life put its fingers on us/and bent us with hope.” Each poem in her first chapbook brings the reader in close to the beauty of the world, without sparing us the pain. It’s a balancing act that she pulls off with panache.

–Tina Barry, author of Beautiful Raft and Mall Flower

Please share/please repost #flpauthor #preorder #AwesomeCoverArt #poetry #chapbook #read #poems

[lavender-long-stories]

This is going to read like and old style author's note.

So. Some of you know that I am a pretty active cook, and I have been canning recently.

While working on some tomato products, my grandmother brought me some more tomatoes from her sister's garden that did better than ours, along with a large bag of banana peppers that she told me were hot.

I thought that was fine. I have handled hot peppers before. I don't own disposable gloves. I will just thoroughly wash my hands with dish soap to make sure all the oils get off.

Biggest fucking mistake.

I cut all 30 or so large peppers and nearly died coughing cleaning the seeds out.

At first, there was no pain for like an hour, then it started to burn, which I didn't panic about because I had cute jalapeno before and suffered for an hour of mild irritation. NO. Within the next few hours, I was in the worst pain of my life, and the only relief was running my hands under a cold tap.

I tried everything every site suggested. Pain killers did nothing, neither did allergy medication, the topical medication I could even feel a difference. I tried every home remedy: honey, yogurt, milk, flour, stainless steel, vinegar, baking soda, lemon, butter, nail polish remover, mustard, shampoo, conditioner, oil, dish soap, etc.

Many stories online said they went to the ER and even morphine doesn't help because of the way that peppers burn and the only thing they were given was a cocktail that put them to sleep.

I couldn't sleep, even after we tried to rig up a bowl of ice water by my head. I think I fell asleep for 10 minutes, and the pain woke me up.

I spent the rest of the night wrapped in a heating blanket on a chair with my hands under a cool tap in my bathroom.

I thought maybe the creams were finally starting to work around 7 in the morning, but I did the math, and the life of the capsaicin (the chemical that makes peppers hot) is 18 hours, and it was just wearing off. By 9, my hands were no longer burning, and I was finally able to sleep.

18 hours of pure hell, both in pain and pure boredom, because all I could do was watch videos, and I am a severe multitasker.

I am fine now. My hands feel weirdly tight, but they aren't insanely dry because so much of what I was slathering them with was moisturizing, and I am dying to get back to writing.

I had planned to spend the whole evening writing. That obviously didn't happen.

PSA: WEAR FUCKING GLOVES WHEN CUTTING PEPPERS. THERE IS NOT CURE FOR THE PAIN.

[buildingshitwithcrab]

Taco Bell Creamy Jalapeno/Quesadilla Sauce Copycat [Edible]

I don't have any photos to go along with this post, but the topic came up among some ShiftyThrifting discussion, and perhaps it's time that I share my 15-20 years of field study with the world. I don't have any family anecdotes filler, either, but I will include some notes after the recipe, directly related to its production. Please read the whole post before beginning.

This recipe makes A LOT of sauce at once. Like, you know a large pickle jar on the middle shelves, before you get to the giant sizes at the bottom? That big of a jar full (28-32 ounces?) It is 8x the ingredients called for in the foundation recipe, because frankly, I've learned the hard way that I will use it all. Halve or quarter these amounts, if you don't want to commit to that much sauce on your first endeavor.

Ingredients: 1 c mayonnaise* 1 c sour cream* 5 T pickled jalapenos, diced or sliced** 5 T brine from pickled jalapenos** 3 t sugar*** 4 t paprika (mild, for accuracy) 4 t cumin 1 t cayenne 1 t garlic powder 1/4 t salt***

*keep cold until ready to add **16 teaspoons, by recipe; 5 T is the same amount, with less scooping ***have more available, for personal preference

Special Equipment: blender, stand or immersion whisk

Procedure: 1. Into blender jar or container compatible with your immersion blender, place jalapenos and brine. Blend until as smooth as you can get it, more or less a puree. Transfer into a large mixing bowl, preferably with a pour spout, for later ease.

2. To jalapeno puree, add all dry ingredients and whisk together.

3. Add but DO NOT MIX YET cold mayonnaise and sour cream.

4. SLOWLY and steadily, whisk thick ingredients into puree, scraping sides as needed. Do not over-mix. As soon as there's a consistent light orange color, it's good to stop.

5. Pour into large, clean jar with lid, and seal. Must be refrigerated, and should keep for about two weeks. Shake well before each use. Ready to eat at completion, although the flavor is best if left to sit and chill for at least 12 hours; 24 is better.

NOTES:

Over-mixing will lead to a thinner final sauce, greatly reducing the creaminess. Taco Bell is probably using some stabilizers like xanthum gum to keep the sauce held together from factory to shipping to prep. Patience and care in mixing, as well as adding the creams cold and last, are the most important lessons I've learned, over the years.

If you'd prefer or it's what you have, you can split the sour cream to 50/50 with plain Greek yogurt. It alters the taste very slightly, but still remains very close to original. All Greek yogurt may alter it more, but I haven't tried that as yet.

As someone with soy sensitivity, I have tried soy-free mayonnaise before, but it is noticeably different in the final flavor. I do not recommend.

I have tried making a batch with all sour cream once, very early on, and it just did not taste right. You need the mayonnaise, for authenticity. If you're okay with the result being a bit off in order to go mayo-free or soy-free, go for it, it just won't be as close of a duplicate.

I reduce sugar and salt amounts for personal preference and family needs, and I have done so here. I... forget what the original amounts for them were, at this point. If you need more salt or sugar, please add it! TB is no doubt adding more than I do here, but do bear in mind that the jalapenos & brine will have a good deal of salt already.

Testing the spiced puree for salt & sugar levels isn't going to be helpful. It's much more potent before the creams are added, and it is best to combine everything before tasting for salt and sugar levels.

The spiced puree, without creams, would probably make a good overnight marinade and grilling sauce, but I haven't tried that yet.

A food processor is not going to get the jalapenos pieces as fine as they need to be for a TB-comparable result. If you're fine with it being a little less smooth, however, you may certainly try one, if you don't have a blender.

If you do not cook often, be aware that there are mild and hot paprikas, and TB is using the mild.

I do not recall the blog where I found the foundation recipe. I only remember that the lady who posted it had two sons who were nuts about the real sauce, so she came up with a home version that they liked. I, a lifelong huge pain in the ass for accuracy, tried that recipe and while it was good, my own mania for perfect quesadilla sauce at home knew there had to be ways to make it greater. I still do not consider my recipe today to be a perfect match, but I do feel it's close enough that if TB were to discontinue the sauce tomorrow, I'd be pissed but I'd survive, giving them the finger every time I satisfied a craving for a quesadilla at home.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, August 16th, 2024

8:02am: sleep was no good but it's ok, I can always try again tonight lol (tomorrow I can sleep in!)

10:32am: aha that was painless and fun topic discussion and I got free cold brew + lemonade (? Cal idk)

Haha the rest of the day went CRAZY, tbh not really bc I have hella leftovers but definitely ain't no zero cal day. Got bibimbap, thai spring rolls, Thai tea and cheese buldak but it was not what I thought it was gonna be, it was rice, chicken thighs, sauce, cheese, jalapeno and green onions lmao it tasted like Mexican food 😂 I thought it had rice cakes in it but it did not. Idk maybe they ran out

[stripedwolf88]

Top 5 all time favourite dishes?

And top 5 hyperfixations?

<3

Ah food! One of my all time favorite topics.

1. Chicken Florentine my mom makes

2. My abuela's tacos (we put cheese, onions, lettuce, pickles (not that I eat those yuck), cucumbers, and salsa) with some of my spanish rice

3. My abuela also makes a chicken enchilada casserole type dish

4. My dad's steak with scallop potatoes and grilled onions and jalapenos with a side of either broccoli or asparagus

5. My mom's Carbonara

Hm hyper fixations? Let's see.

1. Taylor Swift/Gaylor/Kaylor stuff. I know that's a bit obvious but seriously I've never been this invested in something like this before.

2. Anything related to science. You give me something new to learn about the earth, how the body works, new discoveries in evolution, doesn't matter, I'm interested.

3. Stuff about justice and ethics are things that really grab my attention. Actually, this should probably go above the science thing but, eh, they are kind of on the same level.

4. Analyzing movies and songs and books.

5. Putting anything together. It could be a shelf or a toy. It could be anything. Give me the instructions, and I'll do everything to figure it out.

These were fun! Thank you for sending them. <3

[pineyw00dsshesquatch]

I don't get it either, obligatory I am an omnivore, but I'll sometimes be a "fake vegetarian" cuz I love vegetarian options and am picky about meat. I also just love eggs. I'm a big time believer that everyone deserves delicious food, no matter their dietary restrictions, convictions and choices. ESPECIALLY comfort foods.

(i hijack this post for my vegan tamales Texas pasty lady imposter syndrome)

I really love the challenge of making vegan/vegetarian options. My favorite is tamales cuz I think they lend themselves well to meat free/plant based if you know what you're doing. They're also inherently gluten free. People can get weird about vegan tamales, but my cousins and my friend's vegan gf mama love em.

I kinda stall out on fillings tho cuz I feel like I'm missing obvious choices. I don't really like using meat substitute/plant based cheese products cuz they're kinda expensive and hard to find where I live. I would rather go extra steps to make a mushroom chorizo or something like that. But IIII am not vegan and know nothing of the desire for substitutions for dearly missed foods like cheese.

Vegan/Vegetarian tamales I do make are chile sweet potato, bean, and cream cheese jalapeno. The possibilities with tamale fillings are endless, but I keep being timid. Nopalito/cactus is an option that I've never cooked with cuz I'm chicken. Rajas/pepper strips are a common tamale filling also that's meatless. I've heard of people putting carrots in them, too. My internet research has suuuucked on this topic.

If I was in the city, it'd prolly be easier to find ideas from what people are making, emphasis on latiné vegans, but alas. I have a rival/coworker who spent time in vegan kitchens in Austin, but he's one of those people who make it weird that tamales gotta have meat. Even tho neither of us have any literal skin in the authenticity game (we pasty) we just Texan. I'm extra inauthentic, NOT vegan AND pasty. Idk what it's like for actual vegans coming up in Hispanic/Latiné families, but I wanna know what they think makes good vegan tamales.

There's also SO MANY WAYS people make tamales. I'm self conscious about having zero skin in the game, so I always tell people "this is just how IIIII learned" omitting other Central and South American countries, just Mexico is HUGE with tons of regional differences and THEN those all trickle thru the US and what's available and convenient from place to place family to family etc

There's absolutely gotta be big money vegan tamales in California, but my mom in law who taught me the craft calls it "Baja food" so I wanna stick to what's local, but I'm getting desperate at this point as tamale season gets closer.

Part of the reason I try to make good vegetarian food even though I’m not vegetarian is because of the one week my dad was convinced he was gonna go vegan.

You know what he made for dinner that whole week? Steamed vegetables, rice, and canned beans. All unseasoned. Technically a nutritionally complete meal. It tasted awful.

How could a man usually so good at cooking forget literally all of that when faced with the possibility of making vegan food?

I thought there had to be a better way. And it turns out there is. Vegetarian food doesn’t taste bad. Cartoons that depict vegetarians eating a singular leaf for a meal have ruined us. A lot of stuff that meat eaters eat in everyday life is technically vegetarian or easily made vegetarian. Why when faced with one restriction do so many people forget every single egg sandwich or apple pie they’ve ever eaten?

[keefiswhoiam]

May 07 - 2024 Tuesday

10:31pm

4.5/10

Im writing on time tonight because DS went to sleep early and I did my dishes early partly because my tummy hurts.

This morning I did my whole body shave with the manscaped attachment I don't usually use which was a good idea, it's bigger than the thing I usually use. It's just not as good at trimming unless you are only going against the grain. I took my shower and for breakfast I made oatmeal using some frozen cut up apples and a side of spam. It was a light breakfast since I've been eating big meals lately. I did my monthly finances finally, just 2 days late.

For work today I warmed up by sketching human torsos but my head wasn't really in it so I didn't do a great job. That didn't bode well for what commissions were going to turn out like. It was just one of those days. I had a bit of trouble on the commission because GT, the guy paying for it, just wanted me to redraw a black and white image of a guy on a motorcycle but as a cat instead. Partway in I didn't think my usual process would be best so I decided to wing it instead and do something more like a lineless color study which turned out to be a good idea. I stopped stream halfway through because little things kept going wrong and my tablet died which required me to restart my computer. DS seemed upset at that which sucks because she's definitely my favorite viewer to have.

Off stream I asked TK if she wanted to hang out in her server VC while I worked. She said she had just showered and likes to wind down after so in a bit we could. In the meantime I worked on the commission with some music. I got distracted a few times but not too badly. She alerted me when she was good to go so I joined her and her boyfriend to chill. NJ joined as well. I mostly listened until I decided to speak up about some frustrations I had today. It turned into a big rant session to NJ who was kinda becoming my therapist for some reason. He asked some good questions but didn't have very good advice in my opinion. He also implied every thing I said was wrong which wasn't productive, I felt like I was defending myself at every turn on things I was confident I was right about. Eventually the topic was abandoned and I left briefly to start lunch. I made stir fry rice with canned ham and mixed vegetables. It came out okay, I wish I had added more jalapenos. I continued work in the call. TK asked what I was working on and I had to explain it was someone's character performing receiving fellatio. Then I worked on something of my own which was my otter giving head and I actually showed them that one since they were curious. It was a strangely classic case of showing "normies" some relatively extreme furry art, but they appreciated the quality of it. Especially the background. After an hour of working on that, I switched to my custom pony VRchat avatar. I more or less finished work on the basic body shape I think, but I'm not sure I'm sold on it yet. TK left and I hung out with the other guys until I was done working. Then I got off to decompress.

I watched episode 2 of Black Mirror this evening. I already got all my thoughts on it out to DS, but my view was trying to positive in that maybe their society would improve with the introduction of the guy's podcast on the state of the system. I think it was left open ended. I got the impression at the end that it was implied he had a LOT of work ahead of him. After watching, I booted up KSP with the goal of further figuring out a way to organize my crafts and do a couple missions. The craft organizer mod is unfortunately bugged which makes it very hard to use. I might just have to get rid of it and think of another way to organize. DS got in bed early and we called to do our usual routine of puzzles and KH2. She talked to me a bit about her struggles lately and I empathize with all of it. It's stuff I'm also working on and making headway I think. Its progress I wish I could share with her somehow without lecturing about how I'm doing it. I know the best thing I can do is support her as she figures out what works for her which I'm eager to witness and hear about. I reached the end of the game in KH2 and next is the final final boss I think. After DS fell asleep I continued KSP a little bit. I also ate the first chicken strip I've made that come un-cooked which was something I was very slightly worried about. I knew it wouldn't really be a big deal, and it wasn't. Since they're frozen it isn't very gross handling them. I just know I gotta wash my hands when I'm done. Its unrelated that my tummy has hurt all afternoon and evening and still is. I keep having to go but it's all ordinary. This has happened before, its just uncommon for me. No idea what could have my stomach like this but I think it's already passing. I getting very cozy watching a Twitch streamer play Fallout 4, I'm probably gonna watch until I happen to pass out.

I wanted to practice "self as context" from my ACT book today but I didn't out of simple laziness. I'm guilty of feeling like I already know everything I need to know but that is foolish and I know it. I turned this journal into a sort of practice by writing it from the perspective that I'm reading it which helps me provide better context for events and makes me look at my own writing style. It helps prevent rambling in a way that I ignore and forget about as soon as the words have been typed.