#iwtv season 3 reading | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

free-for-all-fics · 5 months ago

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Final part of the Modern Rockstar Lioncourt Saga Prompt! Again, special thanks to @une-lueur-dans-la-nuit for adding the French! Pls tag me if you’re inspired by any of this and I’d love to read it! ❤️🩸🎸

“Lestat and I have decided to start this vlog uh, so that we can answer some questions about being a vampire. Hi, my name’s Y/N Lioncourt. You guys probably recognize me from my band, The Vampire Lestat. As you probably already know, I’m a vampire. Um… I’m eternally 26 years old, um… I’ve got to suck peoples’ blood until just before they die to survive, as does the rest of my family. My brother's a vampire, my mother’s a vampire. It’s…hereditary.”

“Sister, come on, I’m trying to watch this figure skating. Can you settle it down?”

“Lestat, you’re still watching figure skating?”

“Yes, it’s very graceful, sister, you should get into it. Calm and soothing, relaxing…”

“All right, Lestat. I’m trying to do my vlog.”

“Tu as besoin de le faire ici?” (Do you have to do it here?)

“Lestat! This is the only place I’m allowed to have my computer!”

“Oh! C’est mon moment préféré! (It’s my favorite part!) My favorite part! Look!” Lestat points at the screen. “He just lifted her up and put her down!”

“Okay, listen, watch your figure skating, I’m getting back to this, okay? The thing that really, really sucks is that people don’t really know much about vampires. Lestat and I are always having to answer stupid questions like, you know, like, ‘does your family celebrate Christmas?’ and yes, once and for all, we celebrate Christmas. Lestat, qu’est-ce que l’on fait pour Noël?” (what do we do at Christmas?)

“We drink eggnog-infused blood…”

“That’s when we get humans soooo drunk on eggnog. There’s rum in that. That’s what eggnog is. It’s like basically what you make mayonnaise out of and rum. How much eggnog-infused blood did you have that one Christmas, Lestat?”

“I don’t know. Like…18 adult humans’ worth or something? I fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did! Eggnog’s strong! You can’t just have 18 adult humans’ worth of eggnog-infused blood, Lestat! You can’t keep bringing humans over to our house every Christmas and have them drink all the eggnog!”

“I didn’t know that at the time. Oops.”

“Lestat!”

“What?”

“What do we play at Christmas?”

“We like to play Gargoyle.”

“I’m really good at it.”

“She’s the best gargoyle! Elle est incroyable!” (She is incredible!)

“Should I…should I do it?”

“You wanna do it? Show them your gargoyle!”

“All right. Ahhh I don’t know! So at Christmas, we go up on top of the roof of a church, we watch people go in and out and we play gargoyle and I always win. Here’s my gargoyle.” You lift your hands up like a cat with claws out and make a face, baring your fangs and sticking your tongue out a little.

Lestat starts wheezing.

“But you have to stay like that for like, two hours! Right?”

“Two to three hours sometimes!”

“Because when the people come back out, you can’t like, you can’t move because then they’ll know what you’re doing.”

“No, no, they’ll know you’re a real person! And not a gargoyle!”

“Exactly!”

“And my favorite is, you know, what churches nowadays have gargoyles?” Lestat bursts out laughing.

“Yeah, exactly! Fucking idiots!”

“Hey, hey!”

“What?”

“Someone has a question for you!”

“Okay?”

“Let me read it: ‘You guys are vampires and stuff, do you turn into bats?’”

“I don’t think we’ve ever tried…”

“Why don’t you try first?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah!”

You squeeze your eyes shut and try to concentrate really hard.

Lestat laughs. “Looks like you're taking a shit!”

“Hold on!” You grunt and hold up a finger. You open your eyes. “Am I bat?”

“No. You’re still you.”

“No, I cannot turn into a bat. I really tried.”

“I knew that. I just wanted to see what you’d do.”

“I hate you. I actually really, really just tried.”

“Well, that’s boring! How old are you?”

“I’m 256. You know that!”

“Yeah, but the viewers didn’t! Okay. But wait, what— what’s— what’s like— what’s up? What’s up?” Lestat’s head falls on the counter. His head snaps back up a few seconds later. “No, I feel fine! Let’s go out! Let’s go to um, Jack in the Box! Do you know what I wish for?”

“What?”

“I wish Santa would come early this year and give me like all kinds of shoes and tops and cell phones and blood types…”

“Oh my god, Lestat, did you dip into the eggnog-infused blood early?”

“Maybe… Merry Christmas, little girl! I got you a puppy! Mojo! Come here! Mojo!”

“Lestat, you already got me the puppy… We’re doing our vlog. You came over to do our vlog.”

“Sister, let me show you what our graphic designers just made for the tour! Look at this!” He holds out black t-shirts with your and his face on it that say ‘Bite Me’ on the front with the tour dates on the back.

You gasp. “LESTAT! What are you doing?”

“I think it’s very creative!”

“That’s our picture!”

“I know! Not only that, they come in different colors! Look at that!” He holds out a gray one.

“Lestat! What?! Il est en train de devenir fou.” (He is getting crazy.)

“And in different sizes! This gray one is a small…”

“You’re trying to torture me!”

“Sister, here’s an extra large for you to give to your friend, Juliette.”

“Did you just call Juliette fat? I told you we can’t call her that anymore. People say it’s offensive.”

“Not fat. Extra large.”

“Oh. Then it’s okay.”

“Look, It’s like you or I are saying, ‘bite me’ on peoples’ tits!” Lestat laughs as he holds a shirt up against his chest, “that’s funny! Juliette has got to hang out with us more! I like her sense of humor! I’m gonna go suck the blood out of some people!”

“Hey, guys. Lestat and I are in our dressing room, just getting ready for the show. Lestat is in the other room. I know you can’t see him, but you don’t need vampire hearing to hear him practicing his vocal warmups. He takes eons to get ready. I thought I was a perfectionist, but he gives the word a new meaning. When I last saw him, he had finally picked out an outfit and was dressed so, unless he’s changed his mind for the hundredth time on what he’s going to wear, I don’t know what he’s doing. Qu’est-ce que tu fais, Lestat?” (What are you doing, Lestat?)

No response. He just continues with his vocal warmups.

“He’s probably perming his hair, painting his nails, or bleaching his eyebrows to match his five o’ clock shadow. I’m just about done, just putting on the finishing touches, like my jewelry. Luckily I had my ears pierced in Paris while I was still human, so I don’t need to use clip-ons, unlike Lestat. Ha! But you know what every rockstar needs? A tattoo! But as vampires, our skin is like marble and can’t be penetrated with needles. The tattoo machines just break upon contact. Even if they could penetrate the skin, the ink would just disappear. So I had Juliette, our Personal Assistant, go out and buy a bunch of temporary tattoos in bulk. I gave her my card and told her to go from store to store and just get whatever, buy the store’s entire stock if she had to, and Lestat and I would choose which ones we wanted from there. So hopefully she does not disappoint. I’ll be back once she gets here! J’ai tellement hâte!” (I can’t wait!)

“Hey guys, I’m back. So Juliette is here - say hi to the viewers, J!” You pan your phone camera over to her so she can be seen by your viewers.

“Hey everyone!”

You quickly move your phone camera back so it’s only you in the shot. “Okay, that's enough screen time. I know you’re like, camera shy or whatever. But look, she brought in all the temporary tattoos! She really did buy pretty much the entire stock of every craft and Halloween store in the vicinity. She came in holding like, what, four bags on each arm? There’s a lot of really cool ones in here. I chose this really cool sleeve piece. It’s got flowers and this lady portrait, but looks kinda scary. Like a demon or something. And if you guys know me, you know I love things that are pretty but have a twist of horror or gore. It’s a large piece, so Juliette is going to help me apply it. Lestat is still deciding which tattoo he wants. Not sure what he’s going to pick. Probably a lion head and a crown for our family name and his overinflated ego. He’s a basic bitch. I’ll be the one to help him apply his tattoo, since he can be very anal about his appearance and tends to nitpick, but I know what he means when he tries to describe what he wants. I’m worried that if Juliette tries to do it, she’ll do it ‘wrong’ somehow and Lestat will get impatient, throw a tantrum and, I don’t know, bite her head off or something.”

From the background, unseen, Juliette yells, “Uh, yeah, I’d rather not!”

“Lestat and I have gone through so many assistants in the past decade alone. It’s so hard to find good help these days and Juliette’s grown on me - like a parasitic twin - but still I like her. And we had so much fun at my sleepover last weekend.” You raise your voice so Juliette will know you’re addressing her. “Did you have fun, J? Shock of the century: My friends love you. Adore! They said you’re super sweet, really funny, practically begging me to invite you again which I will, of course. Can’t let the girlies down. Are you free this Friday?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Okay, perfect, perfect. Come over to my place straight from work. Yeah. So we’re doing a dessert themed sleepover, which means you have to bring your favorite dessert for everyone to try - everyone that’s human, that is. And then I and my vampire besties get the pleasure of sampling the blood of the humans - not you, of course. You’re my bestie! Yeah, like a dessert buffet. So fun! And you have to wear cute pastel colored pajamas, okay? Do you have anything like that or are all your pajamas like Minecraft themed?”

“I don’t have pastels, no.”

“Okay, no worries, babes. You can borrow some of mine. I’ve got plenty. I’m picturing you in this like silky lavender top I’ve got. It’s gonna be darling on you! With…these fuzzy baby blue bottoms. Oh oui, tu seras tellement mignonne avec ça! (Oh yes, you will be so cute with this!) And then um, we’re gonna play Candyland. We’re gonna do face masks. We’re gonna watch Marie Antoinette. Sofia Coppola’s version, obviously. Yeah, it’s gonna be a blast!”

“Hey guys, welcome back to our YouTube channel. The Vampire Lestat here. That’s right, my name is Lestat de Lioncourt, and I'm a dead man. Well, kinda dead, at least. See, I'm a vampire. I’m lucky, though. I have my sister chérie, who saw beyond my fangs. She taught me my letters when we were human and, now vampires, showed me vampires aren’t monsters. Or at least, they don't have to be. And how my thinking was keeping me from finding any kind of peace. And come hell or high water, she was gonna prove it to me. After our family passed on and we went our separate ways from Gabrielle, our mother, in Egypt, we roamed America for 100 or so years, figuring out ourselves and what it means to be a vampire, and we found revelation, our calling: To be rockstars! Now, if you think that means all that Dracula nonsense like hissing, wearing skin-tight leather, and hunting humans for sport, I wouldn't blame you one bit. That's exactly the sort of thing I’m doing now with my bandmates and my sister, and let me tell you, a vampire who's got a strong stage presence can be a real terror. Anyhoo, I have a story to tell you. It's about something that happened to me. It begins in Miami, in the year 1987, and I really want to start right there. As the world started getting smaller, more vampires tracked me down. Them being my kin, I wanted to help them see the world like I did, but they still had the same monster mindset I used to have. We were on tour from Miami to Death Valley the next night but figured we should make a pit stop to Santa Carla and check things out there. We landed in Santa Carla and arranged transportation for our coffins. I became a graffiti artist—”

“Just that the graffiti were fan letters to Marius, asking him to get in touch—”

“Did some vampire sightseeing. They got a boardwalk there that was the hot spot for carnival rides, movies, music, drugs, tattoos, piercings, and sex, and an all-you-can-eat human buffet! It was infamous as the Murder Capital of the World! That only attracted more tourists, which meant more snacks for us. Apparently that place had been accepting of heathens like us for a long time! People there were eating and screwing like there was no tomorrow. People were up all night doing all kinds of kinky stuff. I’m more than a quarter of a millennium in years but those guys could give me some lessons - and did! Well, we stayed longer than anticipated and had an impromptu concert, met some fine folk, too…apparently they’ve got a nice art scene there. There was even local funding for video game development. Isn’t this some kinda world? I can’t believe people are still playing Star Invaders and whatnot! I liked it there! I didn’t even have to speak French! We went to a coffee shop and while Andy, Larry, and Tough Cookie ordered their coffees and pastries, my sister and I funneled in stoners from upstairs to a secret club and everyone had a fucking blast.”

“Until you decided that the best way to overcome your writer’s block and to create a work of art was to ‘open your mind to the infinite possibilities of what the cosmos had to offer’ and took LSD for ‘divine inspiration’. Except you thought being a vampire meant you needed to take more than an average human to feel its effects, and you accidentally took too much and tripped for more than eighteen hours. You hallucinated so hard that you believed yourself to have had a major revelation and went to both Heaven and Hell. Something about ghosts, television evangelists, some woman named Veronica, and, among other things, you believed that you had seen Christ's crucifixion and that he offered you his blood to drink. Then you had a full Lady Macbeth meltdown and washed your face at least 20 times in those 18 hours. You were scrubbing your face so hard, paranoid that the blood from your face wouldn’t come off. Your face was perfectly clean. You were scrubbing at nothing. Then you began fighting an invisible adversary, yelling something about a veil Christ gave you for safekeeping, and nearly took your left eye out, yelling about how the devil snatched it from you. I had to restrain you to stop you from tearing yourself apart. Then you began ugly crying, wailing about how I pulled you out of Hell and you were forced to leave your left eye behind. When I showed you your reflection in the mirror to prove to you that you still had both eyes, you started whooping and hollering that Maharet must’ve returned your eye to you, singing her praises. I had to force you to go the fuck to sleep in your coffin but you were stubborn and said that you would declare war on humans and vampires because you were curious about what would happen. And when I asked you where the hell you got that idea, you said that the fish people from Atlantis told you to do it. You’re supposed to be the older brother, the responsible one in our family, yet there I was, babysitting you. Tu es et a toujours été un enfant. Un enfant insupportable.” (You are and always have been a child. An insufferable child.)

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Not my finest night. I should’ve stuck with the weed like the four of you.”

“You missed out. It was sooo good. Gave us the munchies something fierce, though. I could’ve gone for some blood chips, extra sodium. Mmmmmm…”

“My sister and I drank from more necks in one week than I could count. While we were there, we found a fan who was the leader of a group of teenage vampires. Punk guy named David, supposed to have been almost a hundred years old. Super cool guy. Met his friends or ‘brothers’ that he sired and they were also very hot. We hung from train tracks, drank blood, got high, had sex, you know how it is. But now, in 2024, I got hooked up with this newfangled Internet thing…”

Trying not to laugh your ass off, you dramatically pantomime Lestat in the background, your voice so loud that you’re drowning him out. “‘Oh, mon dieu! Look at this! Louiis mon cher.... I found this internet place called redd it.... come, you must see this article.... c'est très important.... it says that les oiseaux are NOT réels?????? that they're government agents... comment dire.... spies??? and to think que tu manges these little monstres??? Louiiis you MUST stop eating them..... peut-être que the government poisoned Paul with these birds.... Louiiiiis you MUST promise me not to eat these nasty little créatures again.... mais non! c'est grave!!!!! CHERI arrête de rire and LISTEN TO ME.... they don't even have enough vitamins in their blôôd, louieie!!!!!!’”

“Can I tell my story or are you going to be an annoying little smartass the whole time?”

“I’m your little sister. It’s my job. Et quelqu’un doit s’assurer que ton égo ne te tue pas.” (And someone needs to make sure your ego doesn’t kill you.)

“Whatever. Anyway. David asked me, my sister, and my band to come out to Santa Carla, California to perform again. He said that everyone who was in the audience back in ‘87 was dead or moved away, so nobody would recognize us. So we were going on a trip, I guess. But it felt like the perfect opportunity to experience those highs again and to overindulge!”

“Because overindulging worked out so well for you last time.”

“Shut up!”

“I had to post to my Instagram story. Look.” You then read off your phone word-for-word what you wrote:

“‘I lost my fucking brother. His name is Lestat but he’s a bitch and keeps forgetting to charge his iPhone. I keep buying him chargers. Even got him a portable power bank and he somehow either loses them or forgets to charge those too. And even if his phone is charged, he still doesn’t respond to it most of the time and leaves me on read because he’s a bitch. But I love him and still want him back. Allez savoir pourquoi!’” (Who knows why!)

You tap to the next slide.

“‘We’re on tour right now, and we’re in Santa Carla, the murder capital of the world! After our concert on the boardwalk, we met up with our old friends David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne and rode on our Harley Davidson motorbikes, got a bite to eat, and hung out at their place. They had a lot of cool stuff in there, (I might have to steal that vintage bass guitar and Jim Morrison poster if I can’t sweet talk or bribe my way into getting them).’”

You tap to the next slide.

“‘Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck they spiked the blood with, but I started getting buzzed. Lestat was much worse. He was high off his ass. I got the munchies and I ate so much Chinese food and drank so much blood that I passed out. I don’t know what the fuck happened but, when I woke up, the six of us were in a Walmart, surrounded by dead bodies and blood. Lestat was crying, screaming, shitting and pissing himself, throwing up, and eating his own vomit. The boys were either bouncing off the walls or zoning out. By the time the boys and I stuffed the bodies in the supply closet, Lestat was gone and now we don’t know where the fuck he is. $500 reward to anyone who can find him and get him to answer his fucking phone.’”

“Exciting announcement! Though, I’m pretty sure most of you would have guessed this was coming. Lestat and I get a ton of DMs from people who want to ask us questions and watch and listen to us answer them on our Instagram page or YouTube channel, so we’ve created our own Reddit thread! This is where you can submit questions, ask us for advice, share crazy stories, etc.! Don’t forget to upvote/downvote other participants! Stoked to read and answer your submissions! Doo Doo Doo. Oh! Here's somebody who just sent in like ten questions. Okay, question number one: ‘Do vampires ever injure themselves with their teeth?’” You show the camera your bruised and punctured arm. “Can you see that? You know what happened? Right here? It’s recommended that vampires brush after every meal or at least once a day because blood, if not washed and brushed away properly, gets stuck in the teeth and causes very, very bad smells. And humans and vampires alike will know the vampires who don’t brush their teeth because their breath absolutely stinks. Especially the ones that are quite partial to the garlic-infused blood or the nicotine-infused blood, you know, the gross people. So I was brushing my teeth earlier this morning before going to bed and the toothbrush slipped out. Um…you know how they can sometimes kinda get your gum a little bit with your toothbrush? For whatever reason I went this way and just bit right into my…into my arm. It’s kind of a…”

“You think that’s bad, I’ve had vampires do that to my cock. Et ça pique.” (And that stings.)

“Oh my god.” You scroll down, looking for more questions. “Oh my god! Lestat, so you already answered question number two which is: ‘When vampires give head, see question above.’” You look into the camera. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Lestat is looking at your phone screen from over your shoulder. “Wow, who is this guy? You gotta come over here. You and I can sit down and I can tell you a couple things.” He winks.

“Ugh. Please. Okay, let’s just… So uh, the next question is… ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, is vampire sex better than regular sex?’ Being a woman from an aristocratic family in 18th century France, I didn’t have the freedom to just have sex with people before marriage. I only had one experience when I was human, but it was only because I was like sixteen or seventeen and being a rebellious girl. I didn’t agree with how my virginity or purity or whatever was placed on such a high pedestal, like it was an important part of my identity to sell me off to a man. I wanted to lose it and be done with it, so I only had one sexual experience in my human life. It was with some random boy in the village. I think he was a year or two older than me, and he was cute from what I remember, but I can’t recall his name. It got the job done, I guess, but it had to be kept secret, so it was very brief, like five minutes or less, and he didn’t even make me come. Never did get married in my human life so it didn’t really matter in the long run, but I guess the upside is that now, as a vampire, my skin down there doesn’t grow back and I’m not a virgin every single time I do it… So, um… The short answer to your question would be…I wouldn’t know.”

“I’ll tell them. It’s very simple. If you’re a vampire, you have four holes…”

“Oh, Lestat! No! Lestat, no! Lalalalala…” you plug your ears.

“Well, you know, they should know about vampire sex. It can be very dangerous. It’s not like what they do in that False Blood show, you know what I mean? It’s really…it’s not always fast and quick. Sometimes it takes seventeen weeks to have proper sex with someone. Mais ça en valait la peine.” (But it was worth it.)

“Oh my god! Really?”

“Yes! Good tantric vampire sex, baby.”

“Seventeen weeks… Who wants that??”

“I was with Louis once in the ozarks…six and a half months.”

“I don’t know if… I don’t know if I’m more grossed out by the six and a half months or the ozarks.”

“Ozarks are great. People up there are nice, they taste good, they’re healthy. And no one can hear them when they scream because they’re in the middle of nowhere. It’s a win-win situation, tu vois.” (you see.)

“Oh my god.”

“I gotta teach you some things, little sister.”

“Wait. I got another one. A good question.”

“What?”

“‘Since vampires have so long to live, their families can get really big, right? So what’s the biggest vampire family?’” You take a second to think about it. “Kardashians?”

“Kardashians.”

“Oh, and this question sorta ties into the last question: ‘Why are vampires so wealthy? How do they make a living?’ Well, other vampires might tell you that the average vampire has minimal contact with humanity. When exposed, they feed or run or kill themselves. But for Lestat and I, we’ve always been attracted to le feu des projecteurs! (the spotlight!) The bottomless inheritance Magnus left Lestat certainly helped create a nice little nest egg for us, and yes, naturally we stole from anyone and everyone we killed and fed on, but we still wanted to work. In our human lives, we started off working as stagehands, then became actors, performing on the stage. We were attracted to singers, dancers, music, and the arts. And so we continued doing that even after our transformations. Put on a grand show for the humans and then feed on our human scene partners after curtain fall. We did that for, what was it, two years?”

“Two years, yes. And then we founded the Théâtre Des Vampires in Paris with Armand.”

“And that was a huge success. That was our cash cow and main source of income for a very long time. But by the 100th year or so, we were beyond bored. So we left the Theatre and moved on. Then we rediscovered our love for music after coming across a human rock band that called themselves Satan’s Night Out.”

“They were playing in dingy bars and underground venues, but they had potential. They were just missing something. They needed us. So I became the lead singer.”

“And I became the bassist.”

“We renamed ourselves to The Vampire Lestat, in honor of yours truly.”

“Mon frère est narcissique, que voulez-vous.” (My brother is narcissistic, what can we do.)

“And we became a worldwide success. Almost overnight, you could say. And the money kept flowing and still flows to this day. And I’d say we’re multi-millionaires. Not quite a billion. Pas encore.” (Not yet.)

“It’s not about how you start, it’s all about knowing how to save and make good financial decisions.”

“I mean, if you’ve been around for hundreds or thousands of years and are still broke, just step into the sun.”

“Lestat, s’il te plaît.” (please.)

“Vampirism poses the question: ‘What if there was a fundamental, horrible, unending well of want in your soul that, if truly satisfied, would lead to great pain for all those you hold closest and, in turn, their absolute and total revilement of you?’ and naturally, as a person with no problems, I don't relate to this in any way at all. I’m not Louis. ‘Immortality sucks because all your friends die’. All your friends die anyway. Those we do not mourn are those who mourn us. ‘Immortality sucks because you forget who you are.’ We always forget who we are. Do you remember who you were at four years of age? Who you were at fourteen? ‘Who I am’ is a shadow cast on the wall. ‘Immortality sucks because…’ skill issue, skill issue, skill issue. Shut up and suck it up or go visit a vampire therapist. Stop being so melodramatic. Fuck.”

“And let’s address the elephant in the room. Yeah, we were entirely responsible for the epic triumph and tragedy during the almost-apocalypse back in 1985, after we presented ourselves to the world through our autobiographies and formation of a rock band, singing vampire secrets. It was the wrong place and the wrong time to give a live rock concert. How were we to know our songs would awaken Akasha, the Queen of the Damned, from her sleep, right? Whoops. That was our B.”

“And it was our B when you drank from her and I drank from Enkil when Marius wasn’t looking. He turned his back on us for like twenty seconds and we immediately made bad decisions.”

“If God wanted us to make decisions, he wouldn’t have made us bisexual. I mean French.”

“I’m bisexual. You’re a bisexual disaster. ‘Oh, join me in my search for the ancient vampire Marius,’ you said. ‘It’ll be a fun learning experience for us,” you said. Je ne sais pas pourquoi je t’ai écouté et pourquoi je t’écoute encore.” (I don’t know why I listened to you and why I still listen to you.)

“And it was! Their blood made us strong, allowed us to learn more gifts.”

“I mean…you’re not entirely wrong. But I just feel stupid for giving in and going along with it. Not that it would’ve mattered. Knowing you, you would’ve gone anyway. And knowing Akasha, she would’ve inevitably killed her husband no matter what.”

“If you think about it, her killing her husband spared you from the wrath of her violently jealous ancient king.”

“Whatever. Stay on track and answer the question.”

“Right. She killed her husband then kidnapped me and made me her consort while she embarked on a mass killing of vampires, finding them by listening to their thoughts. She killed countless weak fledglings as part of enacting her horrible plan to take over the world. But the silver lining was that the sex was incredible. La meilleure amante de tous les temps.” (The best lover of all times.)

“Is that seriously your main takeaway from that whole ordeal? You and every other man on the planet, mortal and immortal, would’ve died. So many of us almost did.”

“No, I don’t think Akasha would’ve killed me. She planned to kill only 90 percent of the world's human men, and to establish a new Eden in which women would worship her as a goddess. I probably would’ve been part of the lucky 10 percent. She saw the desirability of me as her consort.”

“Tu délires! (You’re delusional!) Did you not hear what I said? She literally drained her own husband of all of his blood to make herself the single progenitor of the vampire race and to be rid of him. She literally grew bored of the husband and consort she had for millennia. She definitely would’ve killed you as soon as she got bored.”

“Are you calling me boring, Sister? Oh, how you wound me. What can I say? Akasha just wanted to dominate and be worshiped, and have everyone obey her, no matter how many lives were lost. I loved her completely but did not fundamentally agree with her morality. I just didn’t vibe with her plans to be the new god of the world. Neither did you or any of the others.”

“No, we didn’t. We all refused to partake in Akasha's plan despite her vow to destroy all of us if we didn’t comply.”

“We were all duplicit in the destruction of Akasha, which led to her demise.”

“Her plan was so fucking dumb. It was insane. I mean, come on. She wanted us to be her followers as ‘angels’ in her New World Order. Et je suis une sainte, pas un ange.” (And I’m a saint, not an angel.)

“Yeah, that was fucking dumb. Oh, someone sent a question in the chat: ‘How many of you were there before Akasha woke up again and how many survived?’ I’m not sure the exact number of how many vampires there have been since Akasha went on her murder spree, but I wanna say, including us, around…twenty…vampires managed to survive her onslaught? Does that sound right?”

You and Lestat began to count on your fingers. “Well, let’s see. There were the twins Maharet and Mekare, me, you, Louis, our mother Gabrielle, Armand, Marius… Yeah, I think that’s right.“

“They were all either vampires that Lestat and I loved, old ones Akasha could not kill easily, or those she could not detect because they blocked their thoughts from her. Oh, another question: ‘If Akasha is dead, why aren’t all vampires dead too?’ Just before she could destroy us all, Mekare, whom no one has seen for 6,000 years, suddenly appeared in the room and charged at Akasha, shoving her into a glass wall, causing a large shard to decapitate her. Just as doom was spelled out for all vampires, Mekare came in clutch when she devoured both the brain and heart of Akasha, taking into herself the Sacred Core which contains the spirit of Amel. Successfully bonding with the Sacred Core, Mekare became the new queen of all vampires, while Akasha's body became a transparent shell. That whole adventure forced Lestat to do something so absurd it’s unspeakable, but I’m going to say it anyway. He had to…think of things and people other than himself for one of the first times in his long life. Je sais, je sais! (I know, I know!) I’m just as shocked as you are, viewers!”

“Je te déteste.” (I hate you.)

“The adventure changed him forever, forced him to begin fighting for a kind of redemption—though, as you can see, Lestat has remained his old, devilish self, reveling in his identity as the Brat Prince.”

“So we are gonna answer some more questions. ‘Are you related to any famous vampires and if not, have you met any?’

“Well, we are related to Marie-Madeleine Pinochet de La Vergne, Comtesse de La Fayette. We’re distant cousins or something. Her husband, François Motier, comte de La Fayette, disappeared from her life after the birth of their two sons and it was long supposed that he died about 1660. He ‘disappeared’ because she’s a vampire and she killed him when she fed on him.”

“That’s true and actually we just got online. We just got into ancestry.com. And we were looking back um, at a bunch of different uh… Comment on dit déjà?” (What’s the word again?)”

“It’s all gynecology.”

“No, it’s not.”

“We went on gynecology and tried to see where our family was from.”

“No, we didn’t. Lestat, s’il te plaît, tais-toi.” (please, shut up.)

“It’s a gynecological chart.”

“It’s not. It’s called genealogy.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Nope.”

“Gynecological.”

“Nope. That is— I know it’s a big word for you. Guys, Lestat, until just recently, didn't know what dialysis is. He thought it was a type of rotary phone or radio.”

“Can you tell me what a gynecologist is? I know that’s a word.”

“That’s a lady doctor, Lestat.”

“Who’s a lady doctor?”

“A gynecologist.”

“There’s lady doctors? What for?”

“All right. Fair enough. We’re on the gynecological website called ancestry.com and we were looking through our relatives and it turns out we are related to royalty. Just so you know. William the conqueror. Clovis the First. Charlemagne. Uh we go right back up to Edward the First. You know the Longshanks, the Plantagenets.”

“Lillian Russell. She was hot. On aurait dû en faire un vampire.” (We should have made her a vampire.)

“C’est quoi?” (What is that?)

“This new site. Getfanged.com. It’s like a social networking thing for vampires.”

“What is social networking? What - Do you become friends with them and then what? They talk to you?”

“Yeah… They’ll talk to you, but…”

“And they come to the house?”

“Oh, look at this guy. This guy looks delicious…”

“Ohhh, takeout, baby! I’m telling you, delivery! Does it give blood type?”

“No, Lestat, no! It’s like Facebook.”

“I don’t get that visage book, too many people tell me things I don’t care about.”

You laugh.

“You know? ‘I’m gonna go to the store with Kara to get eggs!’ I’m gonna make a fake account posing as a human and start saying I’m gonna go buy over the counter medication, I’m gonna go buy tampons… Maybe I can wolffish people.”

“Do you mean catfish? Lestat, don’t do that. Et pourquoi irais-tu acheter des tampons??” (And why would you go buy tampons??)

“Why not? It’d be fun. How come you won’t be my friend on Facebook anyway? I keep poking you and you won’t poke back.”

“Lestat, I can’t get onto Facebook and then friend my brother. I’m not even friends with Gabrielle.”

“Why not?”

“Because she’s our mother.”

“So? I’m friends with her. You should friend her and me.”

“But we’re family…”

“So what if we’re family?”

“I don’t want you or her looking on my page.”

“Why not? We’re just like everybody else! We’re cool, we’re hip! Look, I got this new leather jacket! Huh? Guy that was wearing it was delicious. So you’re gonna join this thing or what?”

“Ummmm…. I don’t know, yeah, I was thinking about it.”

“Any sexy broads on here? Maybe I can send them to Gabrielle to try. Je suis sûr qu’elle serait intéressée.” (I’m sure she would be interested.)

“Lestat!”

“You know, get a little naked…”

“Hello?! Lestat!”

“What?! You’re old enough now!”

“That’s our mother you’re talking about!”

“I know she is! And she had eight pregnancies, meaning at least eight separate occasions on which she never got to orgasm. Our father is long dead so she’s free to…what does the internet call it? Swear off men and have sex with butch lesbians? Live her immortal life in her girlboss era?”

“Lestat! Please shut up! I’m gonna go back to answering questions. So, ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, how is your whole family— How-how are your whole— How is your whole family vampires?’ I don’t know what is grammatically correct there. But anyway. ‘How is your whole family vampires and what do you mean it’s ‘hereditary?’” You use air quotes on the last word. “Umm, so it’s not my whole family that’s vampires, it’s just Lestat and Gabrielle, the people I love and care about. Our father, our older brothers, our sister-in-laws and nieces and nephews… Everyone else is dead. Vraiment morts, Dieu merci. (Truly dead, thank god.) By hereditary, I mean it’s…hereditary. Magnus was a vampire who fed Lestat his blood and made him into a vampire, who in turn fed Gabrielle and I his blood, making us into vampires. Easy peasy fucking sleazy. Humans and vampires can actually have kids too. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean like, you know, so Lestat, you… Can I share this online?”

“Yeah, go ahead. Tell them. I have no shame about it.”

“Okay. So Lestat has a biological son, Viktor. He was created during the mid-90’s, we think. We can’t be sure of his exact date of birth.”

“I had encountered some vampire doctors or scientists. Vampires that were trained in and interested in the study of vampirism, running a lab for it and all these experiments.”

“They collected a biological sample—”

“Sperm. They collected a sperm sample from me with my full compliance. I didn’t even know I still had sperm, to be honest. HOWEVER, without my consent or knowledge, they used my sample to make Viktor! Like a test-tube baby. This baby had a mortal mother, but my DNA. Presumably the DNA needed a little tinkering to make it work.”

“We didn’t learn about his existence until he was like at least 20 years old or appeared to physically look 20 years old. He’s like a carbon copy of Lestat, just slightly taller. It’s kinda freaky. So technically Viktor is considered partially a clone of Lestat. It’s such a complicated situation. They tried to use him as some sort of pawn to shake up the vampiric matriarchy or something. But father and son got reunited, I got to meet my nephew, everyone was happy. But in general, it’s never a good idea for a vampire to marry or reproduce with a non-vampire, just FYI. It’s kind of like if you married a hamburger. I mean, maybe you can hold off for a while, but eventually…you’re gonna eat the hamburger. Right? So Lestat, what happened to Viktor’s mother?”

“I ate her.”

“Exactly. Need I say more?”

“I ate the fuck out of her. And I liked it.”

“Right. The other way to become a vampire obviously is to convert. Um. But it’s a lot of time that you gotta put into converting. Right? It takes forever.”

“Yeah. Tons of years.”

“Yeah. It’s like at least three years or something like that. Something crazy. Because you have to watch them and research them extensively first.”

“You almost become a doctor in a way, you know?”

“Yeah, and there’s so much more book work to it, you have no idea! It’s like Driver’s Ed but like—”

Lestat holds up a finger. “That being said, we love a convert.”

“Yes, we— yes. We love a convert.”

“Yeah, exactly, because, if you choose to be a vampire, I mean, that’s, you know, that’s a big deal. Right? There’s not that many of us. You know? Huge.”

“Huge.”

“So, you know, if you become a vampire, then um, you know you have a big vampire party and all of your new vampire friends bring you presents and stuff, it’s great! It’s like a baby shower!”

“You bring in, you know, a person of your choosing, usually a young man or young woman—”

“Mhm.”

“Put them down on the table—“

“Mhm.”

“They’re alive, everyone gathers around, you know, almost like what humans do with birthday cakes.”

“Yeah!”

“And we sit there and we sing like, ‘For you’re gonna be a vampire, for you’re gonna be a vampire, for you’re gonna be a vampire, now bite this fucking neck!’ And then you kill a person.”

“Right.”

“It’s wonderful!”

You and Lestat sing simultaneously, “You’re gonna be a vampire, you’re gonna be vampire, now bite this fucking neck!’”

“And that’s it! So it’s a bunch of book work and then uh, you know, you ‘blow out your candles’ and you’re a vampire! The most recent party we threw for a convert was for Rose, Viktor’s wife. They ended up getting close to each other and marrying, but they knew about the hamburger allegory, so they did the smart thing by having Rose drink blood from Marius and Pandora, and ultimately her transformation into a vampire was completed by us. But, fun fact, Rose is actually Lestat’s adoptive daughter. C’est dingue comme les familles, c’est toujours compliqué.” (It’s crazy how families, it’s always complicated.)

“Now hold on, hold on, before you guys all get in the comments, relax. It’s not incest. She and Viktor are not blood related and never grew up in the same house together or anything like that. Let me make a small correction: I was never actually her father, I was more of a father figure. Her parents died and she called me ‘Uncle Lestan.’ This isn’t 1612 and we aren’t the Hapsburgs of Spain!”

“It was hard to find a card for the occasion, though. They don’t really have any at grocery stores or at vampire stores.”

“Just another way The Man is holding the vampire down. It’s rude, actually!”

“It is rude! I mean, we’re here!”

“We’re queer! I mean, we’re vampires! Get used to it!”

“Hello. So you might be wondering why I look a little more rosy cheeked today. Uh, it’s because I am sick. I have, I guess, what you call blood poisoning. Um, I've been throwing up for three days. Lestat is sick too. As of now I’m doing the best I can. Feeding from blood bags I snagged from the hospital. Louis is here too, and he’s feeding Lestat some human blood. Thank god. It’s nice to see you’re actually taking care of yourself, mon frère. (brother) Louis is still on animal blood. He feasts on humans every other night. It's his way, but he came to take care of us. So sweet of him. So essentially what happened is a couple days ago we had some Brazilians. And it didn’t go down very well.”

“Wait a minute are you saying…what are you talking about? What are you saying Brazilians?”

“I’m saying that a couple days ago we had Brazilians and we both got sick. As-tu de la fièvre, Lestat?” (Do you have fever, Lestat?)

“That guy didn’t get me sick. I’m talking about my Brazilian wax. I can barely move.”

“What!?” You and Louis exclaim at the same time.

“Yes, it hurts like a bitch!”

“Lestat! You got waxed?”

“Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax!”

“Why?!” You and Louis ask.

“I don’t know, I thought it’d be nice.”

“Oh my god, Lestat.”

“It’s like a little landing strip right above my penis.”

“Lestat! Lestat! Je ne veux pas savoir. (I don’t want to know). But also…”

“What? What?”

“Guys don’t get waxed!”

“Yes, they do! This is 2024, Sister! Not 1794. People do things now. Oh, Louis, while you’re up, get me that Preparation H so I can put that on my dick.”

“No, no! Lestat, don’t do that!”

“Icy hot. Icy hot. Louis, get me an icy hot!”

You can hear every word as Lestat talks to his own dIck in French. You cringe so hard both on the inside and the outside. You want to die.

“Tu sais ce qu’on dit en Français? Il faut souffrir pour être beau. C’était plutôt pour les femmes, mais… le principal c’est de se faire un max de mecs, donc j’imagine que nous aussi on doit souffrir. C’est juste un mauvais moment à passer, t’inquiète, ensuite ce sera du pur plaisir pour nous deux.” (Do you know what we say in French? You have to suffer to be pretty. It was more for women… but the essential is to get the most guys as possible, so I imagine we also need to suffer. It’s just some bad time to get away with, don’t worry, then it will only be pure pleasure for the two of us.)

“Just sit there, please! I can’t take care of you and be this sick at the same time!”

“Sister.”

“What?”

“Get me some more blood.”

“No!”

“I just can’t move. And Louis is busy getting the Preparation H.”

“Then get your ass up and get it yourself! You know what we also say in French: sois un homme!” (be a man!)

“Hey guys! I know that Lestat and I said that we weren’t going to make any videos for a while due to how busy we are, but we got some fun announcements to make, so we’re making another video! So suck it! Here we are! Wow! Je ne tiens même plus en place, tellement je suis excitée!!” (I can’t even stay still, I’m just too excited!!) That was the craziest merch launch ever! But have no fear! After selling out in twenty minutes, you’ll still be able to place an order! You can now preorder the newest collection of makeup and beauty products from our brand, Bloodlust! We’ve collabed with Vamypre Cosmetics for this new collection and I’m so excited for when you guys receive and wear your makeup from the recent launch! Some of you are already wearing your merch and makeup from past tours and launches! I love seeing all the photos. Don’t forget to tag me on Instagram! I love reposting! If you’ve attended any shows on this tour, be sure to get both our newest limited edition t-shirts, hoodies, and other apparel from this tour, available only at the venues because once it’s gone, it’s gone! You’ve also heard us perform some of the new songs on our upcoming album! Just a reminder that if you haven’t placed an order, now is the time to preorder a personalized autographed copy of our newest album from Lestat and I! Preorders are only open for one week. That’s right, you have one week to place your orders starting today! You should receive your pre orders for makeup and personalized autographed albums in a few weeks! Thank you for all the support on this drop, I’m so overwhelmed and grateful you love the pieces!”

You yawn mid-sentence.

“Sorry, I’m still a little groggy. Um, I just woke up from a nap and with our new makeup collection dropping, it suddenly struck me. You know, I get a lot of comments and emails from people asking me like uh, ‘wow you look really pretty!’ and that’s really nice and everything but I just want to let you guys know that I’m just like everybody else and when I get up in the morning, I mean, my hair is a mess and…”

“What are you talking about? Non, mais franchement…” (No, like seriously.) Lestat asks in the background from his spot on the chaise lounge chair.

“I’m just explaining to them like…that even vampires like, get up from a nap or something and they uh, they look like everybody else. You know what I mean? Like we don’t like feel like we shoot up out of bed—”

“So what are you saying? You just got up from a nap and look like everybody else?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re wearing makeup, Sister.”

“No. Lestat! No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. And you painted your nails again. Nice color, though. And I like the nail art you did.”

“Lestat.”

“Eyeshadow, blush… are those crescent moons and constellations on your nails? Very cute. Very you.”

“Lestat! You know that I was born like this.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, you were born with makeup on and painted nails. Yeah. Tell you what, when you came out of Gabrielle’s vagina…”

“LESTAT! I was born like this. I was…this is just the way I look.”

“No, you weren’t. Mon dieu, ma soeur est en train de devenir folle. (My god, my sister is losing her mind.) You know what you looked like?”

“What?”

“First of all this is what the vagina looks like… Et oui, j’aurais préféré ne pas savoir à quoi ressemble le vagina de ma propre mère.” (And yes, I would have much preferred to not know what my own mother’s vagina looks like.)

“No, Lestat! Come on!”

“And then you popped out.”

“With makeup! With makeup!”

“Yeah, with makeup! Yeah, blood—” the sound of your dog barking interrupts him. “Mojo…”

“You’ve upset the dog.”

“Talking about when my sister was born. All right. Calm down. Good boy.” He pats your dog on the head before going back to the question. “You had like blood on you, you had all this like mushy white stuff, it was disgusting. And Gabrielle still had most of her after birth up in there and, when it came out, the dogs tried to eat it…”

“…we’re just like everybody else.” You force a smile to hide your grimace as you go to end the video. “Lestat, tu as de la chance d’être déjà mort…” (Lestat, you’re lucky you’re already dead…)

“Oh, here’s a good question: ‘Do you ever miss walking in the sun?’ The night of my transformation… I was just sitting, doing nothing, and Lestat came floating in and over to me, and I recognized him. Never for a moment did I believe he was dead and when I saw his eyes - those blue eyes I had seen all my life, the same, but different - It was wonderful. He didn’t have to tell me. I knew what he was. And then he gave me the choice he never had. And I said yes. Comment n’aurais-je pas pu lui dire oui.” (How could I have not said yes to him.)

“That's right. I bit you on the neck and fed you my blood.”

“That's right. Do I miss the sun? I did at first - but then I realized these shadows, this darkness - it’s all part of me. I spent too long defined by what other people did to me. The choices other people made for me - but that’s over now. This is who I am, in all my glory, for better and for worse. That being said, I haven’t completely given up on returning to the sun. Once a vampire reaches a certain age, they build up an immunity to UV light. Most vampires have to reach their 1,000th year, but I have heard stories of younger vampires developing this immunity after drinking the blood of an ancient. I drank Enkil’s blood and I happen to know a few ancient vampires myself, so if the opportunity presented itself again - well, I wouldn’t say no. But until then, I am happy.”

“Est-ce parce que je suis ton soleil, ma soeur?” (Is it because I am your sun, sister?)

“Whatever, Lestat. ‘Can you drink the blood of animals? Have you ever thought of it? Would you even consider it?’ The answer to that question is…”

“What are we, fucking monsters?”

“Have you seen our dog?”

“He’s adorable! Mojo, show the audience how cute you are!”

“We have a great affinity for animals. Mojo here, like other dogs we’ve encountered, doesn’t try to bite or attack us on sight. That’s another vampire myth. So sorry to say, but your pets won’t protect you from our kind. C’mon! We met this guy as vampires and he wasn’t scared of us at all! He let us pet his head and he reminded us so much of the mastiffs we used to have that he really made us happy again. You think we would eat this dog?”

“Maybe if we didn’t have access to human blood and we were like the Donner Party and had to eat something. Maybe then Mojo would start to look really, really good. We can only suck ourselves for so long—”

“Ugh!”

“Well, not that way! You know what I mean! You bite down on your own arm and you know, you can get away with things by just—” Lestat pretends to bite down on his forearm. “But, as a vampire, drinking your own blood is toxic and just makes you really sick! And you’re losing blood too! It’s dry, dry, dry! Look at Mojo! Look at him! This is our bébé!” (baby!) Lestat pets and kisses Mojo’s head and scratches behind his ears.

“Mojo is the goodest of good boys! He’s just a giant softie! What’s wrong with you people?”

“Crazy! He is a purebred! He smells good though.”

“Yes, he does. Not like you…”

“Are you saying I need a bath?”

“Well, Mojo already got his, and I just took a shower yesterday, so it can’t be him or I stinking up the room…”

“Stink!? I’ll have you know my bath and beauty products are the best smelling things to ever grace this earth.”

“Guys, did you know Lestat never has less than 17 bottles of various products on the table beside his bathtub or shower at any given time?”

“You’re just envious because the combined scents of my body wash, shampoo, conditioner, cologne and natural musk are so irresistible that they’re attracting all the humans and vampires to me and not you.”

You roll your eyes.

Lestat gives Mojo belly rubs. “We really should get Mojo a friend. I feel bad having to leave him whenever we’re on tour or need to hunt. Maybe another Mastiff or a St. Bernard… Would you like that, Mo? Do you want a friend? Bien sûr, que tu as besoin d’un nouveau copain!” (Of course you need a new buddy!)

You and Lestat are watching What We Do In The Shadows, the popular vlog series that stars your friends over in Staten Island.

“Awww, look! Nandor made a new friend!”

“Is that John Goodman?”

“Lestat, it’s obviously Patton Oswalt.”

“Who’s Patton Oswalt?”

“Lestat, have you seen Ratouille?”

“I know what ratatouille pasta looks like, yeah.”

“No, like the movie. It was animated. He voiced a rat.”

“…Do I look like someone who watches cartoons? I prefer live action.”

“Lestat, it was Patton Oswalt and Peter O’ Toole, it was one of the most iconic movies—”

“I know Peter O’ Toole, but who the hell is Patton Oswalt?! Who’s that?”

“That’s Patton Oswalt.” You point at the screen.

“That’s not John Goodman?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t John Goodman do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why is Nandor doing this?”

“The documentary series? Same reason we are, I suspect.”

“No, I mean trying to get a rebound for his human lover.”

“They’re not lovers. Guillermo is his familiar.”

“Mhm. That’s how it starts. Maybe that is John Goodman but older and older he looks like Patton Oswalt.”

“Oh.”

“What are they talking about? Are they making fun of vampires? You know, our people… ça craint quand même…” (it sucks though)

“Oh, they’re really high up. I don’t know about this...”

“We have to go through so much shit. Oh, Look at that.”

You and Lestat simultaneously let out a loud gasp large enough to suck in half of Earth’s oxygen when Nandor accidentally throws Patton Oswalt off the building to his death. His blood pours out from his head.

“Ohhh!!” You start fanning yourself.

“Oh, that was good.”

“Um, that’s really… I’m so hungry.”

“He’s dead. A shame, all that juicy blood gone to waste.”

“Wow.”

“Do we have any more Texan left?” You ask, before you laugh and point, “Nadja and Laszlo are fucking the humans next door!“

Lestat laughs, “Man, those two could fuck. I miss them. We should visit, make a cameo in one of the future episodes. I’m sure they wouldn’t say no to a foursome or an orgy.”

“Okay, okay, we’ll call them later. But we should try to behave ourselves on camera. Back to the questions. People write in all the time and they say, ‘what can you eat? What do vampires eat?’ And um so I just wanna completely sum this up for everybody. So here is the vampire food pyramid. Here’s what we’ve got here, so we got human blood, human blood, human blood, carbs. So that’s three servings of human blood and one serving of carbs per day. Louis for a really long time was just eating the carbs but recently we took a trip to Romania and Lestat and I totally got on him and we were like, ‘Look, we want you to live to see 1,000.’ I am proud to say… Look at the former rat-eater.” You show a professionally shot photo of Louis.

“Yes, yes, thank you very much. Louis started eating more Californians. You know, it’s very healthy. They got more tofu in them. More beans, more rice, more vegetables, more fruit. He used to like to go to Texas and eat people from there because they’re juicy and they’re big. Parce que le gras, c’est la vie!” (Because fat food is life!)

“Right. And they got that sauce.”

“Delicious. Put a nice barbecue sauce on a nice Texan.”

“Sure.”

“But the problem is they’re very high in fat so now the three of us are starting to eat people out here in California while we play our shows. Being rockstars has its perks, doesn’t it, Sister?”

“It’s smart, it’s really smart. Mais après tout, nous sommes intelligents.” (But after all, we’re smart.)

“I think we all look really good. Especially Louis.”

“Yeah. I mean, look at him! He looks great.”

“It’s unbelievable, huh? I like it.”

Lestat goes to the fridge and pulls out the leftovers. Australian, Englishman, Canadian, and…

“Oh! There is Texan!” You clap excitedly as Lestat brings it over.

“Yup! Told you we had some! Mmhmm. This is from a 38-year-old Texan. He had a lot of barbecue sauce in him before he died, you know what I mean? Mmm.”

“It’s spicy.”

“Let’s go out and get something fresh. We can show the viewers how we hunt. And then we’ll go back to watching and talking about weird vampire shows.”

“Okay.”

“And then I’m gonna go fuck Louis.”

“Euugh! He just does it to get under my skin!”

“I’m fucking the shit out of him. Tous. Les. Soirs.” (Every. Night.)

“OKAY! Why does it always come down to this? I try to get on my vlog and tell people how proud of you I am and the next thing out of your mouth is, ‘I’m fucking Louis’. I know you’re fucking Louis. You’ve been fucking Louis for a really long time. I don’t wanna hear it anymore. Je vous entends suffisamment comme ça la nuit…” (I hear enough of you at night.) You sigh exasperatingly. “We’re gonna go grab a bite. Be right back, guys.”

“So, a lot of you guys wanted to know about how we um…how we hunt. So we’re out here in this cheap hotel because it’s probably the easiest place to find people to eat. It’s full of criminals and uh, drug addicts and…we frequently hunt evildoers instead of feeding from innocent victims, but we don’t always abide by this rule because…yeah, once people come here, they don’t really go home so it doesn’t really matter. Um… God, this hat.” You swat the floppy flaps of the hat up and away from your face.

“It’s called a sun hat. It’s not the best, but it’ll protect you from the sun and it looks good on you, little sister.”

“But you’re not wearing a hat! Pourquoi dois-je en porter un??” (Why should I wear one??)

“It’d ruin my lovely golden hair. And it’s your turn to bring home dinner.”

You roll your eyes. “Anyway. Hmm. Shall we hunt?”

“What are we hunting for, ma chère?”

“What are we hungry for, Lestat?”

“Hmm. The pick of the city. The pick, pick, pick of it. A couple, an illicit couple, out for a cheat. His wife and her husband nodding off in their ignorant beds. Hmm. Drain them in heat. Let their children answer a knock at the door. A pale-faced policeman, a ride to the morgue.”

“Yeah, all that. Have a seat. Oh, here’s��okay, people are coming. Here we go. Oh… they’re the blood muffins…they’re the blood muffin girls. So we can’t eat them.”

“What are you talking about? What are blood muffins?”

“Long story. I was experimenting.”

“Hi! How are you? Do I know you from somewhere?” One of the girls asks, using her hand as a makeshift visor so she can see you.

“Oh no, I don’t think so. I…”

“Are you part of the crew?”

“Oh…holy crap! So you guys are…really um… oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m really, really hungry.”

“You guys should come with us! We’re gonna go eat! God, it’s so hot today. Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us?”

“Yeah, I kinda wanna eat your neck.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, nothing! You guys go ahead. You go ahead and eat.”

“Well, you both can come over and join us.”

“Okay. Yeah, maybe we will in a minute. But you guys go ahead.”

“Bye!”

“Bye! My brother made me wear this floppy hat!”

“It’s good, I like it!”

“Okay.”

“It looks good on you!”

You and Lestat look at each other for a moment.

“…Okay, I’m gonna bite! Just a little! I’m just gonna eat them a little bit! Just a little bit!” You say, pinching you thumb and pointer finger close together before running after the girls as they scream.

Lestat sighs, but he smiles too. “The wilderness that is my sister. C’est pourquoi je l’aime.” (That’s why I love her.)

“So update about that girl whose neck I bit in the last video. She accepted my apology and she sent me a thank you note, which is fucking awesome.”

“I told you to get dinner, but that you couldn’t kill her because I wanted to watch the show she was gonna star in. You kill her, we can’t watch the show together. I wanna have a brother-sister moment!”

“Yeah. Lestat—”

“All right? I wanna have a fucking brother-sister moment! Est-ce que c’est trop te demander?!” (Is it too much to ask you?!)”

“I wasn’t gonna kill her, Lestat! I just got excited! It’s kind of embarrassing!”

“You bite somebody’s neck, you better be going in for the kill, honey! We talked about this before!”

“Listen! All right, I’m already embarrassed about this enough, okay? All right?”

“Good! Glad you are!”

“There’s nothing you can do to make me feel worse than I already do about it.”

“You don’t think so?”

“…no. What are you gonna do? Lestat, putain, je te jure que si tu fais une dinguerie…” (Lestat, fuck, I swear if you do something crazy…)

Lestat pulls down his pants and underwear.

“LESTAT!!” You quickly cover the camera with your hands before the audience can see much, if anything.

“How’s that? Make you feel worse?”

“I’m gonna show people.”

“Hey! Show away! Maybe I’ll even start an OnlyFangs. Huh? You screw up again like that, I’m gonna run around the street naked.”

“Lestat, you’re so embarrassing. Il a vraiment fallu que tu sois mon frère… Dieu doit me détester.” (You really had to be my brother… God must hate me.)

“And it won’t be like that time I did it for fun in the village.”

“Do you see how I have to live?! I’m a vampire, my brother flashes people… wait, Lestat…did you hook up the computer to the TV?”

“I paid a guy to do it.”

“What?! You did? How much did you pay him?”

“$100.”

“Well, I can hook up your iPod. The one that you never took out of the box.”

“You can?!”

“Mhm.”

“And then you can help me download! I wanna get that song with that really good country singer who sings that song about love for Louis. You know what I’m talking about? LOOK THEY'RE KISSING!” He points at the tv screen. “Look! Look, Sister! How romantic is that? Huh? Two vampires kissing?”

“It’s not…”

“Show the world that we’re just like everybody else, hm?”

“Anyway…”

“And you know what, Sister, they should start making movies and television shows about vampires. That’s what they should start doing. They got all this popstar and reality tv shit out there. Vampires, I’m telling you, that’s where it’s gonna be!”

“Well, Lestat, you are one step ahead of everybody as usual.”

“Oooh!! Faith Hill! That’s it!! That’s who I wanna download! The one who’s married to Keith Urban!!”

“Who’s not married to Keith Urban…” You facepalm.

“I can’t sleep. Um. Yes! We sleep. I mean, we don’t have to, I guess, technically, but… um, we really like to nap. Napping’s pretty big with vampires. I mean, who doesn’t like a nap, really? Right? I’m getting a lot of questions about um, about um, Buff...erm. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. God, I can’t even get it out of my mouth. Ummm. And people have been sort of writing in and going ‘what do you think about… Buffy… and um… I could do a whole vlog about um, you know, how tough I am compared to Buffy and - and how I could kick her ass and all that stuff but the truth is that uh…I am terrified of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I know what you’re thinking, I know she’s not real, right? I know. I know she’s not real. I get that, right? But there’s this whole television show dedicated to this girl who finds vampires and stakes them until they die. If I was just laying here, minding my own business, and some girl showed up in a cheerleader outfit and ripped my undead heart out of my body and it was legal… huh? It’s just so irresponsible. It’s just so irresponsible that there’s this show about killing an entire race of beings and it’s totally fine, right? Are you listening, WB? Right? Because I hope, I really hope that Paramount buys you out. I hope that Paramount slays you! I mean, she kills vampires right in front of the rest of the school! It’s like my ultimate nightmare. It’s like a cheerleader with a - with a stake kills me in front of her hot friend!”

Lestat stands in the doorway to your bedroom, wearing his silk pajamas and a robe. “Sister.”

“What?”

“What are you doing? It’s 3AM. I was napping.”

“Lestat, I had the Buffy dream again.”

He lets out a long groan of annoyance. “Ugh. Jesus Christ. Are you serious? We’ve been over this a million times, okay? I checked your closet, there isn’t a vampire slayer. I went under your bed, there isn’t a vampire slayer. There aren't any vampire slayers, okay? Look it up!”

“Lestat! How do you know that, though? You don’t know that for sure. Elle peut apparaître et décider de nous tuer, juste parce qu’on est des vampires! Je suis sûre qu’elle nous écoute en ce moment même! Alors comment peux-tu être certain qu’elle n’est pas là?!” (She can appear and decide to kill us, just because we’re vampires! I’m sure she is listening to us right now! So how can you be so sure she isn’t there?!)

“Because the last vampire slayer was killed in 1872, okay? He was eaten by a werewolf!”

“What? Oh fuck, werewolves? I hadn’t even thought about werewolves! Jesus Christ, I’ll never get to sleep.”

“Take a nap. Let’s go. I’m gonna go fuck Louis.”

“Ohhh my god!”

“Okay, so True Blood. We’ll talk about True Blood. God, that show is so fucking funny!”

“It’s hysterical! It’s one of the best comedies ever created.”

“It is! So funny! It’s so funny! Have you guys seen that show?!” Your voice becomes so high from laughter. “It’s so funny! They get everything wrong!”

“That one guy! He’s a dog!”

“I know!”

“He’s like you, Mojo! ‘Hey, Sam! How are you, Sam?’”

“He turns into a dog!”

“This is True Blood?”

“Oh god! So where, um, Jason gets addicted to vampire blood?”

“No, that was later on! This…”

You’re flailing and struggling to speak through your laughter. “Okay, wait, you guys! You can’t get addicted to vampire blood, whatever you do, because the only thing vampire blood does is give you diarrhea. Et oui, pas très sexy!” (Yes, not super sexy!)

“It gives you the shits!”

“That’s it! It’s like a freaking laxative. Louis made up that whole La Petite Mort thing for Daniel’s book. You do NOT—”

“What about your friend? Your friend came over - what was her name?”

“Charlotte. Charlie.”

“She comes over and this one here gives her a little bit of her blood. Even a little bit is the worst thing in the world to a human that hasn’t been bitten first.”

“It - it was - it was like a pinprick. I—”

“Oh. That girl was like a shit factory. She just…” Lestat makes fart noises with his mouth.

“It was awful!”

“It was horrible! It was not fun. I called her Shartlotte as a joke and she was not happy. She didn’t know what was going on, she was very grossed out, so were we. I had to take her to the emergency room.”

“It was awful and, Charlie, I’m sorry. Wait, Lestat, was it - was that - this is something I do wanna talk about - you know how like, Bill like, oh my god, every episode you see him, you see him in his house, he lifts that little latch up and he goes down and he sleeps in a coffin? What an asshole. Jesus. This show was made in 2008? What? We don’t need to sleep in coffins all the time anymore.” You have to fan yourself from how hard you’re laughing.

“There’s a lot of sex on it.”

“That’s true.”

“All right, anyway, being a mortal in a vampire world is tough, but being a vampire in a mortal world…blegh! ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, I was just curious what you thought about the Twilight movie.” Um. Okay. Don’t get me fucking started on the Twilight movie. All right, get me started on the twilight movie. Did you fucking read those books? Um. I read those books. I read them in like twelve hours. All of them. I mean it was like literary crack but, besides that, it’s complete bullshit. All right. Where is this house in Oregon with all of these hot fucking vampires living in the same place with their hot ass fucking parents? They’re rich and they’re hot and I don’t know any of them. Fuck. Okay. And last but not least, the one thing that they almost got right in Twilight, they still got so wrong. Okay, you know the part where when vampires go out into the sun ummm, they sparkle like a million diamonds? Yeah, you wanna see what happens when I go out into the sun? Yeah, I’ll show you. This is… it’s not diamonds, I’ll tell you that much. I’ll show you outside in the sunlight.”

“Ahhh! Oh my god!!! Oh!! Oh my god!!!”

“I break out. Bad.”

“Ohh!!! The acne scarring!! Ahhh!!”

“Okay! It’s really bad. So Twilight - go fuck your mother. All right, I gotta go back in. Eternal life sucks balls. Sometimes I just wish, you know, I could be like the other girls like, I just wanna eat pizza and dish out blowjobs just like everybody else. I don’t know.” You scream when Lestat scares the ever living shit out of you by coming up at you from behind with cheap plastic vampire teeth.

“I want to suck your blood!” He says in a bad Bela Lugosi voice.

“Lestat, get off! Tu es tellement stupide!” (You’re so stupid!)

“Oh, come on. You’re 256 years old. Grow up.”

“Get out.”

“Do we have any more blood infused with French wine?”

“Oh, great. I’m a vampire and my brother’s an alcoholic. I’m totally fucked. And not in a nice way.”

“Um, hey Lestat…”

“What?”

“Hey, Les…”

“What? I’m trying to write!”

“Okay! Is it okay with you if I invite my boyfriend over?”

“No, Sister, no.”

“Lestat, c’mon, please! He’s the only other vampire I’ve ever met that isn’t a total dick, all right? And-and he’s really cute and I really, really like him a lot! Les, don’t make me cry! Pourquoi faut-il que tu sois si méchant avec moi, tout le temps?” (Why do you need to be so mean to me all the time?)

“Okay, fine! All right, fine! But listen to me! Do not cry and do not bring him into your bedroom and tell him you’re gonna listen to albums, okay? Because I know what that’s code for. I’m not an idiot.”

“What’s that code for?”

“Please! It means he’s gonna give you the stink finger!”

“Lestat!”

“There will be no stink fingers in this house!”

“Ugh!!”

“The only stink finger I want is mine!”

“Ewwww!! I don’t wanna know anything about your stink finger! I just wanna have my—”

“I don’t know anything about anybody else—”

“I just wanna have my boyfriend over!”

“All right, but no bedrooms!”

“So I can have him over?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good! ‘Cause he’s right here!” You pan the camera to show your boyfriend has been sitting next to you the whole time. “Hi!!!” You clap excitedly. “Okay, so here’s the story. All of you guys keep writing and asking me about um, the guy from that one music video. Okay, so let me tell you the story. Here’s the deal, this is just how my luck goes. Pretty cold. So I meet Jaska, and he’s a vampire, and he gives me these like serious vampire eyes at the after party and we make out and I get really excited and then I find out that he’s a FINNISH EXCHANGE STUDENT AND HE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ANY ENGLISH. Not that it matters. He’s back on a boat to Finland pretty soon. But, in the meantime, he has very sweetly agreed to come over and be on the vlog! So um…. Ladies and gentleman, without further ado, this is Jaska. Say hi. Say hi to everybody on YouTube. Say hi.”

“Hi! Hi!”

“If there’s anything you wanna say, you can say it to the YouTube viewers!”

Jaska starts talking in his native language. You have no idea what he’s saying. Nearly 300 years of existence and learning more than the three languages you already know has never been high on the list of your priorities. You’re fine with French, Italian, and English. But his accent is just so fucking sexy you spontaneously start making out with him on camera while he’s mid-sentence.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhh!” Lestat yells, then pushes you apart. “Sister! Thank you, thank you very much!”

Mojo starts barking.

“See, you’ve upset the dog! You’ve upset me! None of this in my house! Vampire or not, I’ll break your fucking neck!” He threatens your boyfriend.

“…yeah. Okay.” Your boyfriend says in awkward English.

“See this is the kind of thing that leads to the stink finger!” He then starts talking in a baby voice to Mojo, “who’s my baby? That’s right, you are!”

“…How do you say stink finger in Finnish?”

“Let’s see…where are we gonna start today? Um….”

Lestat is on the phone. “Yeah, how much is your Mandarin Garnet? Yeah. The one that’s on TV right now. It’s a Mandarin, it’s an oval cut. Yeah. Well, do you think you guys have a discount? Senior citizens? Uh, I’m white…”

“Lestat! Are you buying more gemstones?”

“It’s beautiful, it's Mandarin!”

“Lestat, give me that!” You wrestle his phone out of his hands.

“SEND IT TO ME!”

“He’s not - no, we don’t want any more gemstones.” You hang up his phone. “Lestat, you have a closet full of gemstones!”

“But I don’t have that one!” He points at the TV screen. “It’s gorgeous!”

“Lestat!”

“How much is it?” He takes out another phone.

“Lestat! Give me that!”

“No!”

You wrestle that phone away from him too. “God…”

“I can start using them to bedazzle. I ordered a bedazzler the other day.”

“LESTAT!”

“It was cheap.”

“My brother’s addicted to online shopping. Et il est complétement taré aussi. Enfin, rien de nouveau.” (And he is completely crazy. I mean, nothing new.)

“It was three easy payments of $49.95 every three weeks.”

“What are you gonna do with a bedazzler, Lestat?!”

“I’m gonna use the gems! I’m gonna sell them online on the eBay thing! Put it on eBay! Whatever that is. Oh, do me a favor, call our PA, have her pick up lunch.”

“Oh, I’m so fucking done right now. You can call her yourself.”

“Look how beautiful it is!” Lestat points at the TV screen insistently.

You turn to look. “Oh, that is pretty…”

“Mandarin. It looks like a piece of orange chicken.”

You relent and give Lestat his phone back to order the damn gemstone.

“My brother’s ‘friend’—” You use heavy air quotes. “Raglan James, is in town. He’s been here for two weeks. I fucking hate him. Lestat loves him. Calls him RJ and just cannot get enough of him. Probably because he claims to be a friend of David Talbot, our actual friend. But this guy… He’s disgusting. They’ve been partying for two weeks in our living room. It’s gonna get better though, wait for it, seriously stick around for it. In the meantime—” You try to raise your voice to be heard over their loud chatting. “IN THE MEANTIME, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERING.”

“I’m double fisting! I’m double fisting! I’m double fisting!” Lestat says, in the middle of telling a funny story. Well…humor is subjective.

“‘Do vampires…?’ CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS? I’M TRYING TO DO MY VLOG! Putain, je vais finir par déménager, moi.” (Fuck, I’m gonna end up moving out.)

“Yeah, could you please go somewhere else and do your vlog?”

“What’s a vlog? Why do you put a V in front of it?”

“Because it’s a video blog,” Lestat explains. “They call it a vlog.”

“Thank you,” you say.

“Why don’t you call it a…vidiary or a vijournal?” Raglan asks.

“We should call it that, Sister. A vidiary.”

“Sounds dirty.”

“Speaking of vijournal, when was the last time you got laid?” Raglan asks.

“Uuugh!! There’s TWO of them!!”

“It was like 14 minutes ago.”

“EUGH! Personne n’a envie de savoir ça!!” (Nobody wants to know it!!)

“Sarah, do you pay attention in school?”

“Who the FUCK is Sarah!?”

“I haven’t always lived here. I was living in England and studying abroad. Did you know that, in 1588, when Queen Beth defeated the Spanish at sea— You remember reading about that? She threw a— You remember reading about that?”

“They had no tea! The English! No tea!” Lestat says.

“Yeah, but what wasn’t written in the books was that she threw a four-day rager!”

You roll your eyes so fucking hard they nearly roll back into your head.

“No way! I knew The Virgin Queen wasn’t a virgin after all! She must’ve had so many men in her bed. Reminds me of the time I tag-teamed a Scottish girl with—” Lestat starts.

“OHHHH!” You don’t want to hear any more. You pinch the bridge of your nose.

“The Royal line had syphilis for a hundred years!”

“I bet it was worth it though!”

“And in 1749, another vampire ate out Martha Washington.”

“Ohhhh my god! That is NOT true! The Talamasca are so full of shit!”

“Well, she was Dandridge at the time. Martha Dandridge.”

“If I have to keep listening to you, I’m gonna pull a Van Gogh and cut my own ears off.”

“Actually, Van Gogh cutting his ear off is a myth. Did you know that it was actually…”

You drown out his voice. You don’t fucking care.

“I gotta take a smoke.”

“You should go out to the balcony to relax.”

“So my brother’s gonna go to the balcony and then the fun’s really gonna start. Here it comes. Wait for it. Wait for it. Is he behind me? Thought so. Yes, James?” You refuse to call him by his first name. His first name is fucking ugly, just like his face and personality. And you won’t call him RJ, no matter how much he insists that he’s cool and can be called by his initials. He is not cool.

“…Do you wanna go to the Taylor Swift concert with me?”

“Mmmm...”

“Do you like - do you like Taylor Swift? Do you know who that is?”

“Not really my thing, James.”

“We need more matches for the balcony,” Lestat says, then he notices how close Raglan is standing to you. “What the FUCK is going on?”

“Nothing! I was asking her about what music she likes.”

“You cannot hit on my sister! What the FUCK is wrong with you?! Get the fuck out!”

“Les!”

“Come on! Get out of here! And don’t call me Les! You don’t have the right!”

“I’ve had a time!”

“Get out of here! Goddammit!”

“I’ll see you next year!”

“No! Don’t come back! Goddammit!”

“He shows up. He hits on me.” You say to the camera.

“It’s ridiculous! I cannot believe it!”

“Lestat throws him out. And it happens every. Single. Time. Thank you, Lestat! Thank you for throwing him out! Aussi, je ne me souvenais pas à quel point tu pouvais être possessif et jaloux…” (Also I didn’t remember how much you could be possessive and jealous…)

“I only threw him out because he wanted to fuck you!”

“Gee, thanks. Haven't you noticed how he looks different than before?”

“Probably too much plastic surgery. Humans can get addicted to that.”

“I don’t think that’s it… He looks like a totally different person every time we see him.”

“Yeah, that’s what plastic surgery does to a person. If you ask me, it was a poor investment. He got all that work done and he’s still ugly.”

“No, that’s not what I’m— I mean— you know what? I’m just gonna call David and ask him about James. There’s something very off about that guy and I bet David will know what’s up.”

#interview with the vampire #amc interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #iwtv season 3 teaser #lestat de lioncourt #lestat #rockstar lestat #Lestat and sister reader #interview with the vampire prompt #IWTV prompt #fic ideas #fic idea #pls tag me if you’re inspired by this #I’d love to read it

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