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drpeppertummy · 7 months ago

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extra leon & shel lore/tidbits copy pasted from the group chat that i dont think ive shared (non-kink-related)

[warning for mentions/descriptions of alcoholism, abuse, death including child death & pet death, transphobia, self harm]

angela really did not like shel before they became friends she thought he was just the most pissy old bitch. shel liked her fine bc she 1. never did anything to piss him off herself and 2. Called him a pissy old bitch which he thought was funny. i think she only changed her mind about him when she realized he was one of the only people to immediately start calling her the right name when she came out & when she realized he was friends with leon, who she already was cool with. now she'll defend him she'll be like No Hes Cool If Youre Friends With Him Honest I Swear. he always just liked her bc he thought she was Spunky. never really made a move to be pals with her just considered her one of his more tolerable coworkers. they both think its hilarious now that she hated him & she still Jokingly calls him a pissy old bitch. she was cool with leon Before coming out but only really became close with him After coming out bc he was like [in private] omg wait me too [<-paraphrased] & trans coworkers gotta stick together

shels cats prefer laying on leon when hes over bc hes softer & warmer & shel gets jealous so naturally the solution is for shel to use leon as a pillow so the cats have to lay on her instead

i think leon likes showering at shels house bc she has a shower chair & its nice. he probably winds up getting one himself anyway so shel can feel safer showering at his house too

shels house is pretty well cat-proofed. hes invested in soft carpeting so shits less likely to break if it falls, hazards are generally well-secured, hes got magnets on his cabinet doors so they cant break in, shit like that etc. the cats are more or less allowed anywhere in the house But he has a Strict no cats in the laundry room rule bc hes absolutely terrified of one sneaking into the dryer when hes not looking

leons place is like. very Lived In. kinda messy but not Gross (i imagine shel probably helps him keep on top of cleaning sometimes). a little dingy but not so much so that you dont wanna sit down & hang around. kinda dated. not overly well-maintained. needs some repairs that he just hasnt gotten around to (for years). hasnt been renovated or anything in decades. ugly old couch. he tries to keep trash off the floor but he is guilty of having old bottles & shit sitting around. making it look nice isnt a huge priority for him but he tries to at least keep it sanitary

shels house as we know is full of cat-themed crap & knickknacks & i think its kinda granny-esque & a lot of brown & pink & off-white & warm neutral colors. clean but cluttered & cozy. small but comfortable. nothing is like harsh & bright the color is all soft & subdued & the lighting is warm & gentle. lot of decorative things & photos on shelves & on the walls & on end tables etc. maybe some doilies. shel could be a doily guy. lot of cute fridge magnets

leon will refer to his pre-transition self as a girl/woman almost as if she was a different person he used to know. angela only refers to herself as a girl/woman including when talking about the past bc thats what shes always been even before she knew. & shel well hes just shel

projecting onto leon he'll be buying pants & be like "omg these fit Perfectly" & theyll be like a foot too long. length, as we know, does not matter when youre built like grimace

i think shel (playfully) gives leon grief for bein older than him. bc shel Looks older. if u asked their coworkers to guess theyd place leon at no older than 43 and shel at like 55

they bring out the best in each other. when shels around leon tries not to drink & he tries to take better care of himself bc he doesnt wanna disappoint him. when leons around shels less bitchy & less grumpy & in much better humor. theyre both happier around each other

i think leon was a little nervous about becoming an Official Couple & i think hed be a little nervous about getting married moving in together etc, not bc he thinks shel would ever hurt him but bc he still worries that all the abuse he took from bill was his own fault & hes afraid shels gonna start to see him the way bill saw him & get sick of him. & he feels guilty for feeling that way

shels had A Lot of cats in his life & he carries the grief of every single one hes ever said goodbye to. the majority of his Family Photos he has framed or in albums are pets & sometimes he'll be looking through them & gets a little misty. & i think leon realizing that all these cats have always pretty much been shels only family & hearing the way he reminisces about them the way somebody would fondly recall happy memories with their family or friends is a point where he realizes just how lonely shels life has been. hes always been very sentimental about his cats. if he finds a loose whisker on the floor he sticks it in a jar bc its too cool to just sweep up. & if one of them cuts him deeply enough to leave a scar he looks at it with fondness. & the paw prints they do at the vet when the times up. he def has those all hung up amongst whatever photos & other shit he has on the walls

i think shel has some kind of goofy little tattoo he got when he was really young & dysfunctional like. on her hip or some weird spot where nobody ever sees it & its some weird random stupid little thing & the first time leon sees it hes like ??????????? idk what it would even be but its definitely shittily done & probably doesnt have any meaning behind it

leon was originally supposed to be bitter & grumpy & bitchy like shel (who has been around longer & whose bitterness & grumpiness & bitchiness was well established by the time leon came around) but he wound up being more sad & sweet & nervous. i think his coworkers still generally dont like him unless they know him well & its mostly bc they make Assumptions about him based on the things they know. hes an alcoholic, hes a hot mess, he hangs out with that bitchy weirdo shel, he doesnt socialize much, etc

Thinking About Shels Cat Pics u knowww they look like shit. if hes texting them . with his flip phone. but also i think she takes a lot of Camera Pictures & puts em in a photo album. all the time leons receiving grainy shitty flip phone cat pic texts & he Adores it he feels so in love

Thinking About Angela & Leon i think they have like an extra special little friendship which they really come to think of as a father/daughter relationship after a while. it just kinda Becomes Like That. since she was relatively recently disowned by her parents & he lost his daughter & they both have a major void that theyre subconsciously trying to fill. he might take her shopping since she came out pretty recently & doesnt have much of a wardrobe & hes pretty experienced in the field of Womens Clothes. they make a whole little day of it. i think ive already mentioned leons necklace that his mom gave him that her mom probably gave her that he was gonna give to his daughter which he wound up giving to angela & it was gonna be a casual gesture but it wound up being a whole teary huggy thing for both of em

i think. if he found out bill died or something he would be all freaked out like Omg I Shouldve Been There For Him bc even after everything theres still a big part of him that thinks maybe if he tried harder if he did a better job if he was a better spouse etc they couldve been happy. even tho he Knows bill was awful to him & he Knows bill was a nasty evil abusive person & he would never wish what he went through on anybody else theres still a big part of him that feels like it was his fault & he deserved all of it & he cant possibly deserve better

Thinking About Baby Shel. sometimes as someone who works in school/childcare youll have a kid who nobody can figure out how to help--beyond troubled, disillusioned, home life is a mess, etc--& you just know in your heart that if Somebody cant figure it out theyre not gonna make it. shel was one of those kids from a very early age. any teachers he had who are still alive remember him well bc he was such a fucked up little terror & theyd be astonished to see that hes alive. not only alive but Relatively Happy. functioning. sober. nothing like the disturbed child they knew back then

the destroyed parent in leon wishes so badly he couldve been there for shel when he was little. even tho had they known each other at the time hes only like 4 years older. he hears about tidbits of shels childhood & just wishes he could go there & hold him. but he can comfort him now & shel appreciates that. i usually depict shel being more Okay bc he does have his shit way more together but sometimes he is just all fucked up & leons there for him. sometimes he has Bad Brain Days & sometimes its just that kind of day & sometimes its brought on by his pain or lack of sleep or somethin & sometimes something triggers it & fucks him up. & he might be agitated & moody or he might be sad & fragile or he might just be numb & barely responsive but leon will treat him gentle & make sure hes not isolating himself or neglecting himself or hurting himself & make sure hes taken care of until he feels ok again. leon often feels like he doesnt do nearly enough for shel considering how much shel supports him sometimes but when those days happen he usually (probably unknowingly) prevents shel from spiraling into a weeks-long & potentially life-threatening funk

Thinking About Leon bc ive established how angela & shel came to be without a family but ive never gone into detail on leon. i think his family was never very supportive to start with & they didnt like the man he married & blamed leon for getting himself into the relationship when it started going south & bill kinda drove a wedge between him & his family and then when he started to really become a hot mess with Apparent Mental Health Issues Including Alcoholism they shunned him even more & wanted no part of him or his problems & then by the time he divorced bill & started his transition he was so estranged from them & he knew how unsupportive they were in general that he just never came out to them & essentially disappeared. he was their black sheep & they were fine with him getting away. i think if he had the chance to forgive them & go back to them he would do it in a heartbeat in spite of everything. if he found them again & they were willing to take him back he would forget how much pain they let him go through all alone Immediately. hes too forgiving bc he doesnt think he deserves better. he woulda let bill back into his life too if shel hadnta beat him to it. hes afraid of being alone he thinks hes unlovable😔 shels trying to get him past that

shels mother was a terrible parent but sometimes he wonders if they wouldve had a happy life without his dad. & sometimes he wonders if he couldve saved her. leon will be like “you were just a little kid theres nothing you couldve done” but he cant help thinking about it. & honestly if it werent for his dad his mom probably wouldve been a fine parent but their relationship was so vicious & abusive & horrible that the household was just a constant screaming fighting mess

when leon got his top surgery he was freshly divorced & had no friends bc his shity husband had him all isolated & he was like the most alone hed ever been in his life he didnt have Nobody & he had to go through the whole process & recovery all alone & it was miserable so when shel gets his knees done leon makes dam sure hes there for him every step of the way

thinking about leon & angela finding out about stuff shel never got to do as a kid & being like Oh My God We Are Taking His Old Ass To The Zoo. take his old ass to the boardwalk for minigolf & rides & ice cream. cant take his old ass to action park. sad

#text #xleonx #xshelx

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informedinterest · 3 years ago

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Mcsm| Toxic leaders, friendships, coworkers & peers

(The ol Or der)

1. Soren Is shown to be a reasonable leader that cares about his crew a reasonable amount, helped by the fact that he shown to be about excessive age, unlike Jesse who’s age is ambiguous possibly committing tox to Soren from what could be a adventuring - young adult age to excess - see below, for how tha t affects the story,)

How eve r is hampered by a unfortunate history of tox That left it’s mar k o n h i m,

- Jesse

Soren does not remove Jesse from his property despite it causing seemingly distress to him

- if Jesse acts kind (or if hearing anyone (particularly the order) responds kindly to him), Soren will react with disbelief, If tox, he will excuse it beyond any healthy measures ‘ha a joke…as what friends do,’

Whe n n o jok e s are n’t pain f u l ,

Then there’s this line,

“I’ve found when you give people what they want they turn on you, they become resentful,” - Soren

And Scene,

Soren cower ing from his team mates

Eligard & Magnus Fake smiles impl ing there is something that’s actually wrong and we quickly find out why

(I’ll go over the particulars about why Soren might not be excited to see Eligard & Magnus on site in their sections )

Point being,

It doesn’t take long before it goes tox at the cave,

- Eligard (or whoever is left of the Eligard or/ Magnus pai ring) takes a pot shot at Soren , Gabriel, “is he always like this, “

Eligard/Magnus; you have no idea,

(When Soren goes out for a break due to distress & after the death of a friend,) ,

- Ivor immediately tries to take the reins after makin g the main problem (And his main fail safe back fired)

You can clearly see things going tox quic k ly

(Then there’s the in famous Ivor scapegoat scene showing that even back then he was tox, )

And the rest is just Ivor bein tox,

(Until Soren event gets away good for him)

- Eligard

- Largely non-tox but is a victim and an ena bler of Magnus

- Small pre- men tion ed bit of tox

- Magnus

- abs. ball of tox

- causes argu ments

- never contributes any thing positive to the group

- Small bit of tox a s mentioned above

- Explicit abuse o f Eligard, Implied abuse of Soren

- Gabriel-

- Little is known abou t hi m, That he seems pretty unaware of the toxic dynamic,

Apart from Magnus‘s tendency to insti gate And Eligard’s ten dency to ar gue,

- Ivor

- with Magnus at least you could argue he could’ve originally intend to fill some role if you squint, with some routes But with Ivor you can’t He was tox from the beginning, Continued to be tox, Not a redeemable quality in sight ,

Overall the group is a gosh darn mess

New Order ~

- Jesse - Despite being a leader, Jesse seems resentful of his leadership and constantly makes up things - ideas on the spot that no leader would leave to the last minute and would’ve already planned in advance/have a general idea of, showing how the game mechanic damages a actual good story

- His first mission is a find the person mission, not unheard of for a supportive subordinate character. However as a leader, it can come off as unnecessarily authority assuming, if not handled correctly, which unfortunately it wasn’t 1) By having this occur after a ‘break up’ in which several members isolated, placing this around excessive age 2) most of the members are reluctant to get together

Resulting in Jesse coming up as nagging or irritatingly intrusive.

As a leader,

There are two main goals,

(To be

considered

good

one)

1. Attention to

mis

ion,

- With the psychological benefits teammates receiving prop stimuli

Jesse constantly waffles,

resulting in reasonably irritated

sponses

fro

team

mates

2. Tending to your Team mates, Self-explanatory

Jesse doesn’t seem to care about his team mate s Until it reaches the mandatory spots, or (is believed) to go past critical (see Lukas “crying” and they refuse to move until he does,

The correct pro to co l,

Bein g constant availability, to thei r lei sur e

Care kept satisfactory and short without dragging the mission to a stand still

Despite, Jessie’s showing only the barest minimum of retention wit h hi s pe t pig,

How about he still has plenty of time micromanaging

the one thing you don’t want to do,

An argument can’t break out without Jesse interject

Showing that he has no trust in his team mates to be able to resolve their own conflict

Then again it comes from the person who is the worst role model/sets the worst example

Gettin into a squibble Wi th hi s subordinates/ (temporary) co-leader Lukas

Fi gh t in g over a de tect ion uni t,

Note , Well confrontations over a stolen role might get phys that I am not den y in g,

(The above mentioned things leads it to (lean in Luk as‘ s favor

Tha t Jesse is the one that stole the role

(Not helpful for the fact that Lukus acts like a spited leader Al l through out, And has characterized the he doesn’t stand up for himself

(Even if wrong, Jesse is still reprimands a sub ordinate, ) - Lukas

Likely the victim of Axle’s Tox,

Lukas falls into most of the pitfalls that Soren does, not standing up for himself and possibly leaving (even for a short time) when the tox gets too much - Olivia

Pretty non tox Some implied self-esteem issues with her place in the group constantly asking questions to validify it ,

- Axel

- Openly scares his friends and takes pleasure from distress

- Humor doesn’t come from sad/ Despair it comes from happi ness,

- Almost literally cannot go five seconds without starting an argument or being tox (Specifically towards Lukas) ,

Following the unfortunate theme of green being tox despite it being grow t h,

- Petra

(Season 1)

Tox

- Expecting them to find her despite not vibin’ the loc at ion,

demeaning

- Threats of violence

“Not getting punched in the face for saying that right now,” - Petra

Coercion

General authority assumption

Separation Jesse from his friends, friends separating/or hanging out with other friends on their own will is non-tox

Authority assumption- entitlement to excess

Promises an lies are pret ty useless

(Season 2)

- Petra

- Tox

- General Tox

- demeaning

- Guilt tripping

- Friend ship

- Adventures

- Lack o. Adventures - End goal - Jesse helps her find the llama and threaten/coerce Stella, who she also has a toxic manipulator/manipulated relation ship with (through likely intimidation as Petra knows that Stella has a thing w/th Jesse and two on one num er ical, ,

After all

- when it’s discovered that Petra is retiring to champion city

- gas light ed, (-claiming things to happen that didn’t really happen,)

- Petra’s guilt trip of the treehouse;

“ we used to hang out in the treehouse all the time,” - Petra

Show it or it didn’t happen

- to our knowledge never happened,

- Emotional Abuse/

- “Friends,”

- Jack

- Bit non-tox except for some snips at Nurm

- The general having to ‘one Up’ everyone,

- Nurm

(Od. d take on senti e nce

nar rat ive

tox,

Pretty clear except for (apparent) put down on Jack’s naming convention

- Romeo,

Pretty similar to Petra,

General Tox

General Authority Assumption

- Emotional Abuse

- Guilt tripping

- Logical abuse

- Gaslighting

- Physical abuse

- Acts of violence

- Destruction of un Account able pro. per ty, (Dif ferent from ac countable) ,

All of above;

demeaning

coercion

- Threats of violence

- Apparent murde r

- Abuse of sub ordin ates Should not be redeemed

Xara

- Straight up kills a person

Radar-

Refusal to read the vibes aka Several misdemeanors worth of tox for general obsessive behavior unbefitting, unhealthy and unnatural of a sentient,

#mcsm crit

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angrylizardjacket · 6 years ago

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when i said it i thought it was true [3] {Ben Hardy}

A/N: 2973 words. Fake Dating AU.

[part 1] [part 2]

Roger Taylor has barely spoken two words to you since the start of filming, and it’s caused you so much anxiety. Were you disappointing? Did you not look or act accurate enough? Sometimes you catch him watching you when you’re with Ben, the two of you in costume, and he just looks... pensive.

Brian’s nice enough, soft spoken and always kind when he speaks to you, actually mentions that seeing you and Ben together makes him a bit nostalgic, and you’re not quite sure what to make of it.

The day you see the real Amanda, the woman you’re playing, you feel like you’re about to pass out. It’s as if you’ve got a direct look into your future, she could be your mother, though her hair’s just a little lighter than yours, hence the wigs they keep putting you in. She’s incredibly beautiful for her age, but that’s not the most striking thing about her. She cries the first time she sees Rami in costume, and she doesn’t speak to Roger.

The moment she meets you, she has to take almost a full minute, hand covering her mouth as she looks you over. It’s like a test, and all you can do is stand there awkwardly in full costume, watching as she tears up a little.

“What do you think?” Brian asks with a proud smile, and she lets out an incredulous laugh. “It’s a little uncanny, isn’t it?” Nodding, she approaches you, smiling brightly and greeting you warmly.

“Feels like I’ve gone back in time.” She’s surprisingly soft spoken, and she tugs at your collar, straightening it, before she rests her hands on your shoulders. “I’m flattered they’ve got you playing me, dear.” She tells you, and you think you might cry.

She only stays on set for about a week, the week you’re filming on the Garden Lodge set. The two of you are talking before filming starts for the day, you’re trying to glean any information you can that would help bring depth to your character, and Ben joins you. It’s the first time she’s seen him in full costume, and when he presses a kiss to your temple in greeting, her voice dies in her throat. Ben looks confused, concerned as she has to excuse herself.

It keeps happening, something about seeing the two of you in costume, together and sweet, it’s something she can’t stomach. She can talk to Ben normally, even when in costume, but the moment you arrive, and he smiles at you like he does, she feels her heart in her throat.

“I loved Roger, perhaps to my detriment.” She admits, taking a long sip of wine. She’d invited you out to dinner with her before she has to fly back to her family. “And I know what they’re saying in the movie, but he never really loved me.”

When you go to Ben with this information, he’s quiet, before he admits that Roger told him that when they were younger, their relationship was far from the sanitised version that was being presented in the film.

They’d been together for years, and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that she loved him, and he took her for granted, always assumed she’d be there when he got back from trips and tours, he’d even proposed to her, and yet he’d do any pretty young girl while he was away because he knew he could get away with it. He’d cheated on her, and lied to her, and strung her along because it was easier than letting go.

Roger Taylor can’t bring himself to speak to you; you’re the spitting image of his biggest fault. Perhaps the way they’ve got it in the movie is his attempt at an apology, not that she’d accept.

Something about your relationship with Ben changes after that. It doesn’t feel like a performance, the way it used to, it feels more grounded. Neither of you are sure how to deal with the new information, but when the cast go out for dinner together, he’s got a hand on your knee under the table, and when you’re hanging out in his trailer between scenes, you let yourself fall asleep against him where you’re watching Netflix. The two of you go out with some of the others for the night, and he kisses you as you’re leaving the club together, his hands holding your face so softly, the kiss so surprisingly tender that you don’t even hear the click of the paparazzi’s camera from where they’re hiding around the corner of the building, and when you see the kiss on instagram the next day, you don’t think you care.

“Have you seen my nice, black blouse?” You called, elbow deep in a pile of clean washing on a Saturday morning.

“Which one?” Ben calls back from the shower, and you frown at the clothes before you; you really had meant to fold them sooner.

“The nice nice one, the one I wear for callbacks, you know the one I’m talking about.” And you move to rifle through the closet again, glaring at each piece of clothing as you flip past it.

“You sure it’s here?” The shower shuts off while you’re eyeing off a perfectly fine cream shirt that could serve as a decent replacement if you came to it. “Are you sure it’s not at your place?” He asks, stepping out of his adjoining bathroom wearing only a towel.

“No, I’m pretty sure I came back here after my last callback.” You mused, and you could hear him getting changed behind you as you tried to recall the last time you’d found yourself in the shirt in question.

“This would be easier if you just lived here.” He muses, letting the statement hang in the air. After a beat, you turn to look at him, brow creased as you considered his words. “If you want to, you can.” He offered, standing there in just a pair of jeans, his hair still damp. It might be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

“Are you serious?” Voice quietly hopeful, your expression brightens as he nods, grinning. Blouse forgotten, you cross the room in a few paces, throwing your arms around him. “Really really?”

“‘course I am.” He doesn’t tell you he loves you, but it’s there in the tone, in the way he kisses you, and it’s there when he spends the next twenty minutes helping you look for your shirt, though when you admit you don’t need it for a few days, he suggests breaking in the bed to fill the time.

“It’s the same bed.” You laugh as he flops back on it, coaxing you over.

“Yeah, but it’s ours.”

The wrap party for Bohemian Rhapsody is... a lot. It’s a bit overwhelming; you’re by Ben’s side and everyone wants to talk to him, congratulate him, and they want to talk to you, tell you how beautiful you look. Everyone is everywhere at all times, and the only constant is Ben.

His arm is around your waist when the two of you are standing by the bar, he’s chatting to someone who’s name you’ve forgotten, though you’re pretty sure he’s the second assistant director or something, and you’re trying to communicate to the bartender what you want over the music, leaning over the bar. The moment the bartender finally nods in recognition and scurries off to get your drink, Ben turns, sees your eyes shining bright in the light of bar, and he forgets what he’s saying, just for a moment. The guy he’s talking to leaves, pulled away by someone in the crowd, and you turn, smiling brightly, confusion creasing your brow when you see Ben watching you.

“What?” The bar is in a terrible location, far too close to the band they’ve got set up, but Ben can read your lips well enough in the bar’s fluorescent lights. He shrugs, doesn’t even attempt to answer as the band, not ten feet away, blast their way through a guitar solo. They’re mostly playing classic rock, a few Queen songs here and there of course, and they’re not bad, they’re just loud.

With your drink in one hand, you take his without thinking, weaving through the crowd, his fingers linked with yours. When you find the door to the courtyard, which is significantly quieter, you feel like you can breathe again. The air outside is cool, and you drop Ben’s hand now that you’re not likely to lose him in the crowd, and the two of you find seats to the side by a tall table.

“You don’t have to stay with me all night.” You tell him, resting your head on your arms, watching as he lights up a cigarette. It was a filthy habit, but damn if it didn’t make him look a hot. Hotter.

“I know that, dude,” he pauses, taking a draft and looking, watching all the people talking and laughing and bopping along to the music, “I like your company.” He says it easily but it still has you grinning, and when he catches sight, he grins in return.

He doesn’t leave your side. Not for the rest of the night.

Photographs are being take all night, and when you look back on them, you see you and Ben sitting side by side, his arm around you as you lean into him, laughing, and he grins at something off camera. You see the cast together for a group shot, all smiling brightly, most a little tipsy, and you’re holding Ben’s hand, your linked fingers just visible in a gap between Allen and Lucy. You see the two of you in the background of a shot of Rami looking absolutely ecstatic; you’re fixing Ben’s hair, and he’s giving you such a soft, endeared look that you hadn’t noticed at the time. If you crop it enough to make it your phone background, you don’t feel the need to call attention to it; for reasons you can’t quite articulate, it makes your heart warm.

It’s strange, and the thing that terrifies you is that it doesn’t feel like acting. It’s that grey area you keep finding yourself in, where it feels so familiar, and it’s like swimming upstream to remember that it’s all fake.

The two of you don’t even share a kiss, not even when you’re both tipsy, not even when you lean in to murmur something in his ear, and his answer brings his lips inches from yours. You want to kiss him, to forget that it’s all fake, but he sees you hesitate, and presses a gentle kiss to your cheek. Lips twisting in to a sad smile, you look out at the crowd of coworkers around you, dancing where the band had been replaced with a DJ, and you take another sip of your drink.

You’ve passed tipsy and dived straight into being drunk by the time you’re ready to head home, or well, back to your hotel room, but that required a taxi. Ben’s not much better off, and when you tug him into the back seat with you, he doesn’t argue. He’s the one who tells the driver the hotel they’ve got you all set up in, and you just lean against him, eyes fluttering closed, contentment filling you as he wraps his arm around you.

“I don’t have any makeup wipes!” You gasp into the silence of the hotel elevator. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to head to his room, your arm tucked into his to keep you from swaying in place in the elevator. It might also be that Ben refused to let you be by yourself after you almost face planted getting out of the taxi.

“I’ve got some in case of emergencies.” He assured, fidgeting with his key card before the elevator comes to a stop.

“See, this is why I love you.” The words come so easily that neither of even catch at first as you make your way down the hall. Ben slows once your words have sunk in, and you both realise what you’d said. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” Voice quiet, there’s a sudden sinking sensation in your chest that dampens the whole night for you, but he doesn’t say anything, just opens the door and starts rummaging through his suitcase for the wipes once he’s inside. Once he tosses them to you, he follows it quickly with an oversized shirt to sleep in.

There’s a solid five minute argument about who would sleep on the sofa, both of you trying to give the other one the bed. It takes you yanking a pillow from the bed, laying on the sofa and refusing to move for Ben to concede defeat. The sofa, however, is the single most uncomfortable piece of furniture you’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to sleep on. Sucking up your pride, you clutch the pillow to your chest as you make your way to the edge of the bed. He’s turned away from you, engrossed in his phone.

“Ben?” You ask, and he looks over his shoulder at you, eyebrows raised in question. “The sofa is really uncomfy.” You pouted. With a grin, he shifted, making room for you.

“Holy shit.” Ben looks like he’s just seen a ghost. The two of you are in a nice restaurant in the city, it’s not five stars or anything like that, actually it happened to be your favourite little hole-in-the-wall restaurant with surprisingly good food and excellent service, and you were treating yourselves to a night out before Ben had to step outside to take a call. You didn’t begrudge him, that’s just how life was for the two of you. “Holy shit.” He repeated, and you looked up from your meal with raised eyebrows.

“What’s up?” You ask, and to see the smile spreading slowly over his face has your heart warming. When he meets your eyes, he’s beaming.

“I think I’m going to be in X-Men.” He said quietly, and your fork fell from your hand, clattering against your plate.

“Holy shit.” You echoed, and he laughed a little, taking your hand when you offered it to him, squeezing gently.

The stars seem to shine a little brighter as Ben beams up at them, your hand in his as the two of you walk home. Sure, there’s paperwork, nondisclosure agreements, rehearsals, and a few months until filming actually begins, but Ben’s landed a role in a high-budget action movie, and you’ve never been prouder.

He spends the next few weeks in countless meetings, almost constantly in and out of phone calls with his manager and various producers, and when he’s not filming with Eastenders, he was usually training. He’s barely home, though neither of you are home a lot, you’re busy with your own projects, but when you see each other, he’s elated. You haven’t seen him this excited or motivated about a project before.

Sometimes you miss him. Of course you miss him, you love him after all, he’s your boyfriend and your housemate, and you tell him all of this over dinner and he looks like he wants to say something, like he wants to freeze this moment in time forever, to bottle it up if he could. You’re so proud, and you love him so much, and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world to watch those two parts of you coming together over a microwave dinner.

In the weeks leading up to filming, things change, and you feel like you never see him anymore. It’s not like before, then you were just busy, now he’s all over the country, in meetings and fittings and workshops. He calls, but your bed is so empty and sometimes you just want to come home to him and he’s not there, and he won’t be home until the end of the week. Things are still good and bright when you see each other - he’s always eager to make up for lost time - and you never once doubt how much he cares about you, but you feel... out of sync.

The two of you had fallen asleep not facing each other, but you wake with his arm draped across you, and it feels so familiar, so right, that it stings when you actually come to and realise where you are.

It’s been years since you’d woken up next to him, and you’d forgotten how pretty he is in his sleep. Part of you thinks that’s a good thing, that if you start to remember now you might keep dwelling. Another part of you urges you to go back to sleep; pretend or not, you should savour this moment you’ve missed so dearly. That’s the part that wins.

You expect when you wake again, for him to already be up and moving, as far away from you as possible, but instead you hear a sleep-rough greeting in your ear, and feel his chest firm against your back, his arm still around you where you’ve tucked yourself against him.

It’s not pretend, it feels like history repeating itself, and so you let yourself forget it’s fake for the moment, lean into him just a little and give a sleepy greeting back. Your heart already aches knowing how lonely you’ll feel once either of you move.

“I forgot how nice you smell.” He murmured, and that’s when you feel your heart already beginning to break. Instead of letting yourself crumble, your link your fingers with his hand where it’s slung over your waist.

“I forgot how warm you are; you’re like a furnace.” And you hear him laugh at that as he leans into you too, and let yourself bask in the moment.

the rat pack: @hotspacedeacon @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @itssaje @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @callumidiot @rockandrollandshit @bohorap @pietrorunsforme @sweetfierceimagines @itsjackothy @mhftrs @sherlockiantheatrenerd @softbenhardy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @virtualsheepeat @smile-nine @i-padfootblack-things @deaconsroger @spookyfrances @holyurlbatman @your-idiotic-excellency

(crossed out means it wouldn’t tag; i’ll try again for the next part, lemme know if you wanna be tagged xx)

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy x reader #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #roger taylor #brian may #borhap imagine #borhap cast #borhap cast imagine #rami malek #joe mazzello #gwilym lee #when i said it i thought it was true #the angry lizard writes

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preppypolkadot · 6 years ago

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Sick (Timeless Lyatt Fic)

Summary: She returned back to the bunker with an infected wound expecting to find him. But she never for the life of her expected to find Her in the bunker as well.

Notes:

Okay, that summary is awful. But to be honest i don't even know where this story comes from. I was rewatching season 2 because it's finally on Netflix and right after episode 4 and was at the very beginning of episode 5 I was struck by an idea and it has haunted me ever since. What happened during the time they got back from Salem to the time where Lucy woke up and Jiya told her that the boys went on a mission without her. I also liked to believe that she was out of it for a couple of days, hence, this story.

I would like to apologize for the possible headache it might inflict while reading this story and in the future.

Would also like to point out that all the mistakes; timeline, facts, grammar, and typo are all mine. Also wish I own the rights for the show cause then will have 20 seasons not just 2.

So without further ado....

He got his wife back.

And of course he’d bring her back here in the silo, because… she’s his wife.

He got his wife back.

And it all happen just right after they got back, together, full of potential and love. Whoa where did that come from? Love? I don’t love wyatt…. At least not yet. She sigh. She’s a mess ever since that phone call, went back to colonial time salem, got stab on the arm, went back still a mess. She doesn’t expect to feel better anytime soon, but it most definitely helped that she went on a mission with Rufus and Flynn. Yes, you heard that right she is glad she went with Flynn. FLYNN! She’s not going to lie, working with both men gave her the sense that she will be fine without Wyatt, that she will be able to move on with life without Wyatt. That is until her mother showed up and have her accused of being a witch. But she persevered and now they’re back and she believes she’s a stronger person.

Standing here right now, a few feet away from both Wyatt and Jessica, seeing how beautiful she really is and remembering how broken Wyatt was for years, all her previous self encouragement just disappeared on thin air and with it the little voice in her head telling her that maybe all of this is just a bad dream and it’s bound to end soon. It was an instant decision, the right one she thought, she figured that all this feelings that she’s having right now, the confusion, anger, butterflies, everything, she will just bottle it all up. She did manage to hide her then tiny crush on wyatt everytime they go on a mission. Flynn’s huge hand tugging at her good arm pulled her back to reality. How long has she been staring at Jessica? Am i looking at her with dagger? My left arm is throbbing. Damn! I’ve been stabbed with an ancient knife. Is that fatal? Am I dying?! The awkwardness in the air is thick, maybe it is better if die.

She let Flynn drag her to the girl’s room with Agent Christopher and Jiya trailing behind, both asking questions about the mission and how her arms get stabbed, who stabbed you? Is it rittenhouse? Did you get the rittenhouse agent? What are they after at 1690’s Salem? Were you there during the witches revolt? That one is asked with so much enthusiasm it actually made her smile. Wait what? Witches revolt? Stay in your room i’m calling a doctor. She wants to answer all of it, it’s the teacher in her she suppose, but she also just want to lie down and process the mission and more importantly the fact that Jessica is in the bunker.

Jiya helped her lie down, they both watch agent Christopher and Flynn walked out of their room, waited until they don’t hear their footsteps anymore until she looked back at her. “Wyatt brought her here.” Jiya answered before she could even process what she really want to know. “We were all surprise, Denise is still trying to get a hold of him when you guys left and when she stopped calling that’s when he showed up… that’s when they showed up.” She let go of the sigh she didn’t even know she’s holding and wince at her injured arm she’s pretty sure is getting worse. “Let me grab the first aid kit, we should at least try to clean the wound while we wait for the doctor.”

She closed her eyes willing herself to focus on Jiya’s fading footstep but as soon as it disappear there’s really nothing else to focus on except at her wounded arm and her wounded heart. She prefer focusing on the arm because as horrific as it sound that was easier to focus at.

Last she remembered before she declared that she’s just resting her eyes is that there are still some light from the outside streaming through the tiny bunker window and it couldn’t have been a long time ago, but she’s guessing a significant amount of time has passed because it’s now dark outside. She’s sweaty but she didn’t care. First thing she noticed is that the pain got worse, second is that Jiya is sound asleep on the cot opposite her. She’s now noticing what had changed around her. There is now a water basin, wet cloth, medicines, and extra clean bandages. I must be really out of it for doctor to come in and for me to not notice? She let out what she thought is a silent groan, back sticky from sweat, hair matted. Turns out she was loud cause it woke up Jiya. “Woah there professor take it easy. Do you need anything?” she was besides her in an instant.

“Water.” she croak, throat extremely dry.

“Here,” she poured her one and babbled on “Rufus brought a pitcher of water for this exact moment. Don’t tell him you actually needed it okay, he will not let me hear the end of it.” she giggled “I might have told him to leave you alone and let you rest but he insisted that he should bring you sustenance just in case.”

Jiya’s rambling, but she likes it. It takes her mind off her throbbing head and arm. She reached for the latter and for the first time she notice the professionally placed bandage on top of it. She winced when her fingers made contact.

“Agent Christopher also brought soup you should probably eat some before i give you pain meds.”

“Wow seems like everyone has seen me on my deathbed.” she let out what she think resemble something of a laugh but it sounded weird. Jiya looked at her sadly, she raised an eyebrow urging her to say whatever she’s been holding back. Is she actually dying? “Jiya it’s just a joke, unless i’m actually dying? Oh god…”

“No, you’re not dying!” She countered. “More like who came by to check on you and who didn’t…” she’s avoiding her eyes but continued nonetheless. “Connor and Agent Denise we’re both here when the doctor stopped by, making sure that you’re really getting the treatment you needed because you have 105 fever.”

“Wow I have 105 fever…” without any warning Jiya reached for her forehead.

“You might still have one, you’re still super warm. But the biggest surprise for everyone is Flynn stopping by to check if, his exact words are, ‘Is she still breathing?’” I let out a chuckle. “ And then rufus stopped by before I go to bed to bring water, I got tired of everyone knocking at the door so I kinda snapped at him telling him that what you actually need is to be left alone and rest, not water.” Jiya has a apologetic look on her eyes. “Maybe do tell him you drank some of the water he brought, that would actually be nice.”

It had taken her longer than usual for her brain to process all that information and to realize that there is still one more person in the group that Jiya hasn’t mentioned. Her foggy brain has finally put two and two together and she finally understood what the woman in front of her is trying to avoid.

Wyatt.

She hates that knowing that he didn’t even check on her hurts more than the pain she’s experiencing with both her head and arm combined. Well… he did just get his wife back, so why would he visit a co-worker? Because two missions ago we were more than coworkers that’s why! She’s not really sure why she’s answering her own questions right now but all of a sudden she is too tired and just want to lie back on the cot and rest her eyes again. Jiya noticing the sudden deflate of energy from her tried to coax her to at least taking a few sips from the soup “I’ll heat it up on the microwave real quick. It might also be time for you to take your antibiotics. You’re still pretty warm.”

“I’ll just quickly close my eyes, I’ll eat after a few minutes.”

Next thing she knows is it’s bright outside again and that all she could remember from that whole late night exchange with Jiya is ‘soup’. Did everyone brought her soup? Is that it? She let out another not so subtle groan but this time Jiya is not in the room but there on her behalf sitting on a possibly most uncomfortable chair is Agent Christopher… Knitting? She had closed her eyes again fully resigned that, yes, maybe her condition has gotten worse. But really? Agent Christopher knitting? That has got to be whole new level of hallucinations. Another groan and that had brought agent Christopher besides her in an instant.

“What do you need sweetie?” Spoken like a true mother she thought. She tries to remember with her foggy brain if her actual mother was that concern when she was sick. Maybe once? Most of the time she just gave her books to read telling her that reading will make her feel better. It did but she still crave the maternal affection.

“Water?” Then it hit her she’s now wearing an IV. Agent Christopher followed her gaze.

“Jiya told me you haven’t eaten anything so I called the doctor and she suggested IV, it’s the only way to actually have liquids and meds in you.” At this point every part of her is sore, agent Christopher helped her sit up when she notice her gave it all but fail miserably anyways.

“What happened to me?” even her own voice sounds so foreign in her own ears.

“Mostly infections, stab wound is shallow but it still requires stitches, high fever probably from the infections.” Agent Christopher held at the glass of water while she drinks obviously not trusting her with it.

“I think I might also have hallucinations.” I stare at the ball of yarn and what look like a scarf waiting for it to disappear but it didn’t.

“Maybe, Jiya did mention you murmuring all evening, you mentioned a few names ever since I had taken over looking after you. Doctor’s strict order that there should always be someone in the room just in case the high fever brought seizures.” Denise followed her eyes that are still staring at the ball of yarn. “Oh that’s not hallucination Lucy, I’m knitting.”

“You are?” She tried sounding surprise but she’s pretty sure she sounds more like a drunk right now. She want to lie down again, her eyes closing on its own. Agent Denise notice and had attempted to keep her upright.

“No lucy you need to eat something. Don’t go back to sleep--” Too late she was out.

Next she open her eyes it’s dark again, Jiya is back sleeping on her cot. Like the last time, she tried to remember what happened before she black out again. Soup. She paused and force herself to remember more, she’s an historian for crying out loud she knows even the tiniest details of history. But for the life of her all she could really think about right now is soup! Its frustrating but also tiring so she closed her eyes again.

Next time she open her eyes though she hears talking, There’s a pause and she waited for another person to talk but no response and then the person has started talking again. She close her eyes but this time to focus on the words, it’s all murmurs but she manage to catch a fews phrases. I should’ve have been there. I’m sorry. Flynn said you got stabbed trying to save someone, when did you become so heroic? I thought that part is my job. Chuckle or more murmuring she really couldn’t distinguish. But it now occur to her who the owner of voice is.

Wyatt.

What is he doing here? Is it actually all just a bad dream? Her hopes soared only for it to come crashing down. There is it the other voice she’s been waiting to hear. A woman’s voice that doesn’t sound like Jiya or Agent Christopher. A voice she’s not really familiar with but from the way she’s calling Wyatt she just knows. Jessica. It’s all still murmur on her ears but she got the jist of it. She’s calling Wyatt to help her on something. She heard wyatt sigh, surprisingly that part is clear.

She wanted to reach out, to ask him to stay. But she couldn’t even keep her eyes open for more than five minutes, so the idea of physically reaching out for him is completely exhausting on it’s own. She stayed still, eyes still close, and listen for their footsteps to fade away. It’s not until then that she realize she doesn’t feel any physical pains anymore. But the emotional strain she’s now currently have is too much and if it’s possible more painful than getting stabbed. She took a sharp intake of breath and had let the pain slowly ease her back to slumber, and for the first time since the mission back from Salem, sleep didn’t come as quickly as it normally does.

It has now become normal to not remember a thing whenever she open her eyes, but right now she sense that she should be grateful for it. Like not remembering is actually better than remembering how she must have embarrassed herself with her hallucinations or something more horrific. Except ‘soup’, that thought has stuck with her through this whole ordeal and it has now started to feel comforting. Soup. And for the first time in days, she doesn’t even know what day is it, she actually wants soup. She felt something removed from her forehead, something cold and wet. With more force that it normally takes she tried opening her eyes, blinked a few times until an image of Jiya sitting besides her on the bed is no longer blurry.

“Hey. You’re awake.” she’s closed her eyes again, but she could totally hear the mirth on her voice. “Fever dropped, that’s a good sign.”

That’s when it hit her. Last time she was temporary awake, he was here. Wyatt was here.

“Wyatt?” its was out of her lips before she even register it happening.

“He’s on a mission.” That did it, now she’s awake.

“He went without me?”

Jiya figuring out that this might really be it, she’s out of the woods and could finally processed everything. “You were stabbed with a knife full of 17th century germs and running a 105 fever, remember?” she reminded her while she tried to peel off the tape that has somehow made itself permanent on her skin.

“I don’t care. He shouldn’t have gone without me.” she let out in between wincing for pain., medical tape are painful to remove, why do we use it on people already in so much pain?

“Flynn’s pinch hitting. I’m sure he and Wyatt have everything under control.” Jiya is avoiding her eyes.

“Sure, what could go wrong?”

“Would’ve been weird anyway, right? You and Wyatt on a trip?” She finally looked at her “Rufus told me. About Hollywood. You. Wyatt.” She’s also finally looking at Jiya. “Sounded pretty romantic.”

Jessica.

She finally remember Jessica.

“I didn’t know that he was still married.” she says more to herself really. “I mean, I didn’t know that Jessica was--”

“Alive again?” Jiya cut her off. “I know. I wasn’t judging.”

Jiya went back to her task, she doesn’t even realize she was changing her bandage until she saw her grab the god awful medical tape again.

“I just…” Jiya continued. “I just mean it must be hard. Especially with her here.”

Oh yeah, that too. “I want him to be happy.” again she’s voicing it out loud more for herself than for the other woman tending at her wounds. “I mean, this is what he’s always wanted. So...”

“What about what you want?” Jiya cut her off again, and all of a sudden she miss being woozy, of being able to doze of just by closing her eyes.

“Were still friends. We’ll have the missions. I’ll be fine.” She’s also surprise with herself that this are all just coming out of her so naturally. She made an effort to sit up, surprising the other woman on the bed.

“Take it easy.”

“I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine.” she waved her off.

“Don’t be a hero today.” Jiya warned.

“No heroics. I’m just gonna get some tea.”

Because to be honest she’s not really fine, her body is still sore, she’s worried for the boys on mission right now but she’s also glad to be strong enough to get out of bed and make herself a cup of tea. So that’s what she’ll do, make herself a warm cup of tea and try to sort out all that is happening right now with a less foggy point-of-view.

#Lucy Preston #Wyatt Logan #Timeless #Agent Denise Christopher #Jiya #Lyatt #Wucy

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thovoid · 6 years ago

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diary entry #2

every once in a while i will meet someone and get this all-consuming feeling that we were in love in another life. i usually only ever get to know them on a very surface level, but feel like ive known them for years. like i learned everything about them in a different world, and it was just within reach if i could only get them to see what i could see. i dont think any of them has ever felt the same.

the first was a boy that i had met when visiting my family down south. i had known him as a child during brief visits once a year, but id never really talked to him until the very last day of one of my trips three summers ago. we sat together—talking and laughing by the pool, innocently flirting at dinner, making awkward goodbyes by the car—and i bubbled with excitement and anxiety as i thought about the next time we would meet. we texted for months after that, but the distance fizzled us out and i was left with the one memory i had and the fantasy of what could be.

it was colder the next time. i only saw him once that year, and it was awkward and quick. friendly greeting, no goodbye.

last summer was different, though. i saw him a lot at first, but i was busy every minute of every day and we hardly had time to speak until the beach day. a big group of people all met at the beach, and i had a total of fifteen minutes that i was free to talk with whoever i wanted. we sat on dirty towels, burying our feet in the pale sand with our backs to the water, looking out at the snow peaked mountain that stood above. we laughed just as we had before, and it reminded me of my stupid feelings. i felt very at home in those moments, and i knew with all of my being that if we lived in the same state we would have been really happy.

i dont know if i am ever going to see him again. if i dont, im okay with how it ended.

my second soulmate was a girl that we moved in next to last year, who probably doesnt remember my name and who i have only actually had one conversation with. besides when she came by to see if we were okay when rainwater flooded our garage, or when we would be leaving as she got home and she would wave at us to ask how we were doing, or when we bumped into each other at a party and i didnt recognize her because i was just a little too fucking inebriated, or when she served us at our favorite little italian restaurant and she told me i should totally apply because she makes bank on tip money. no, this conversation was different. maybe just as trivial, but this time we were alone. she was sitting in front of her garage with a toolbox and a vape pod (i had never thought vaping was attractive until i saw her absentmindedly take a hit, and then quickly blow the vapor out and put the pod down like she didnt even realize she had picked it up) and i was just getting home from a particularly sweaty day at work. she called me over to sit with her. we didnt talk about anything important, but i could tell she had a lot she wanted to say and no one to say it to. i felt like everything i could ever know about her was right within reach, i just needed to crack open the gates. as i was trying to decide whether or not to ask something that i probably would have regretted asking, her friend pulled into the driveway. i stood up and went back home.

the third one is the stupidest. he trained me on my first day in a new position at work. he is a few years older than me, he must be at least in his twenties. i have always thought he was 26, but i dont know if that’s true. at first i couldnt tell if i just respected him in a “please accept me as good enough because my father never told me he was proud of me” way, or a “please take me seriously because i want to fuck you” way. i started checking all the time if i was scheduled a shift with him, and i remember how my fingers would shake as i waited for the page to load. i started thinking about him all the time, and what it would be like if we were together, but i was too embarrassed to admit it to anyone and was too shy to have any sort of real conversation with him, which is out of character for me. my heart hurt when he would leave the room.

i would observe him a lot, because random social functions would throw us into the same parties and day trips, and i felt like i understood him on a level that really intrigued me. just like with the others, i wanted to sit down and listen to everything he could possibly say about anything. for some reason i was still too fucking shy around him to make him think of me as anything more than a coworker, though.

the last shift i ever worked with him, i had a panic attack right before i got to work. i tried really hard to put my customer service face on, but i was noticeably spacey for my whole shift. it had me spiraling; i felt like a failure in front of him and i couldnt do anything right. no one could ever know that, though, so i kept distracting myself so i could blink back tears, and then move on like nothing was wrong. that was my last week at that job, and i am never going to see him again. its probably for the best.

the last one makes me feel icky. thinking about him now is making my chest bubble and my ears pound.

during my senior year i had to go to a college campus for one of my classes for a few months. it was a night class so it was mostly filled with adults, but there was this one really hot guy covered in tattoos, who i pegged to be around 21. he had soft blonde hair and light scruff. we wore faded jeans that fit him nicely and an oversized jumper, so the only tats visible were on his hand and the one behind his ear. it made him look tough but gentle. he asked for my number and i gave it to him. he said he was drawn to me for some reason. it felt like fate, because i felt exactly the same way.

i never really get crushes on people. i know a lot of people—i use tinder, i meet people at parties, i even sometimes go on dates—but i never really feel attracted to people. whether its a hot guy that i see on the street, or a really nice girl that makes me laugh, or someone i can sit down with and talk to for hours. that’s why when i get these feelings for these few people that i barely know, it feels like it’s something more than a crush. so when he told me he was thirty and he thought i was really hot for my age, i wanted to believe that it was still fate, and that i wouldnt just feel like this for no reason. i let him say things to me that i would normally ghost someone over, and i tried to convince myself that it was normal.

nothing extraordinary or exciting ever came of this. i quickly realized that a man that was 13 years older should not be texting like this to me, so i told him i wasnt going to work out and blocked his number in a way that required the least amount of confrontation. i brought pepper spray to school with me every day after that.

anyway. i dont know what any of this means, if it means anything. maybe these were all just normal ass crushes, and if i was just a little bit less scared of my emotions i would have a real story. or maybe people are just more connected than we think.

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teambakerst · 6 years ago

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I miss my grandma so much. I keep thinking I’ll write in one of my journals and put down all the feelings I haven’t been able to express with family or friends, but then no one will read it, so what’s the point? The same could be said about strangers on the internet reading my personal posts, but whatever. Talking to family just makes me cry and talking to friends doesn’t happen, because no one asks about it anymore. At the same time, I don’t want to put a burden on them, they have their own lives to deal with. It’s too graphic, traumatic, etc. So, I don’t know what else to do but lay it all out here.

My grandma died in March from multiple forms of cancer, all diagnosed too late, and at different times. First, the doctors found black spots on her lungs. Then it was pancreatic cancer. Then we found out it was in her bones.

I couldn’t even react when I found out about the bone cancer. My dad called my mom to tell her, and she told me and my other grandparents. At the time, my mom was in the hospital for an infection, which can be deadly for someone going through chemotherapy. Surprise! Two family members with cancer. They caught mom’s at stage 2. She’s doing better now, about to start radiation...

So she told me my grandma had lesions in her skull. We knew she was dying, but this was terrifying. Cancer’s a fucking monster.

I left the hospital a while later, not feeling well. I caught pneumonia, which sucked by itself, but had another impact on what happened next. The doctors told us my grandma might have two more months to live. They don’t offer real hospice care unless a patient needs a qualified nurse around the clock, so they set us up with a hospital bed and some other supplies in our own home (and a nurse who visited once every couple days). We rearranged our living room for her and brought some of her clothes, pillows, and stuffed animals over from her house. She really, really, did not want to stay with us. Not because she didn’t love us, but because she loved her house and was used to being independent. She’d been suffering from dementia for a long time, so she was often confused about the state of her health and couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t take her home no matter how many times we explained it.

Everyone agreed I shouldn’t be around my mom or my grandma when their immune systems were compromised, so I spent a lot of the time I was sick in my room upstairs. My grandma only lived for two more weeks.

I was so mad for most of that time, mad I was sick, mad the doctors weren’t doing anything for her. And I mean, anything. Apparently, my diabetic grandma didn’t need insulin anymore, because cancer feeds on sugar. Except when her blood sugar spiked too high and they had to take her from our house on a gurney to a rehabilitation facility (??? not a hospital?) to try to bring it back down.

I had a bad feeling when they took her. And nothing but bad feelings every time I went to bed, afraid she wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

During the week she spent at our house, she started hallucinating from not getting enough oxygen. And she was seeing weird things. Squiggly lines and pictures on the walls, rays of light, strangely negative biblical phrases (something about her being a sinner). Hearing things, too. A man behind her calling her name. Her dad, who passed away a long time ago. She would talk to people who weren’t there, sometimes in Spanish. We got her some oxygen tanks, but her condition only improved mildly. She was in and out of sleep all the time. I just tried to reassure her she was safe, especially when she thought she saw smoke in the house. She had a hard time moving and it usually took a long time to get her from the family room couch to the bed. I made sure she was comfy and we would usually talk a little bit, just us two, before I went to bed.

There was one good day where I gave her interview questions and she was lucid enough to answer them. Stuff about college and her friends and vacations. I wrote it all down.

But there was a shift when they took her to the rehab place. I worked the next day. I was taking pay at the drive-thru window when I felt my phone start buzzing in my pocket, over and over. I didn’t want to answer it, because I knew it would be bad news. Then the DQ phone rang and my coworker brought it over to me--my sister called. She said Nani wasn’t responding and I better come over there quick, because it might be the end. I just started sobbing at work. My coworkers/managers were nice and they told me to go. So I cried while driving to the rehab place, too, I couldn’t stop it--don’t cry and drive! My dad called on the way over, he’d noticed me a couple cars ahead of him. That was a little bit reassuring, and I calmed down.

My dad and I met up in the parking lot and found my sister and my other grandma with Nani in her room. Nani was sleeping and wouldn’t respond to her name or her arm being shaken. We thought it was a coma. Hours went by, she had some of her friends visit and leave after sharing their prayers. And then suddenly, she gasped and raised her arms and she was awake!

We’d thought that was the end. The rehab staff weren’t very helpful, not offering an explanation one way or the other. Come to find out she’d been given strong painkillers (or sedatives? Hard to know). It was hard to understand her when she spoke after that, she was very quiet and mumbly. She did say she wanted a “little hug” from everyone, and that made me happy. She asked my uncle to play a song for her. He’d brought his guitar and sung something special for st. patrick’s day. It was very beautiful and I ran to the bathroom in her room, because I started crying again and I didn’t want her to see.

She stayed at that center for a few days, but because healthcare is weird and sucky they said they couldn’t keep her there. It was a rehab place, not a hospice, after all. (I’m still pissed they wouldn’t give her an IV when she stopped eating and drinking. AND they forgot her insulin and claimed they’d given it to her even when I told them I hadn’t left the room and never saw the nurse return with it. High blood sugar was the reason she was there in the first place.)

So they moved my grandma to another rehab place. This one wasn’t as nice. I visited her after school, because through all of this I was still trying to finish off the semester... The doctors helped my grandma into a wheelchair and we took her to a dinner table where the other patients could eat together. My grandma “ordered” some tea and did a little dance--I think my phone’s ringtone went off or something. She was almost normal. That was the last time I saw her alive. My dad, sister, and I let her have dinner with my uncle because he hadn’t gotten a chance to be alone with her.

They moved her, again, to what’s called a group home. My parents and sister visited her there, but I had school and work again. I got a text from my dad at work, saying I should probably leave now and come home. I knew she’d passed.

It was a strange feeling. I guess it would be called numbness. My sister was home and confirmed what I’d thought. My parents were on their way home from a family wedding. I went up to my room and kind of stood there.

Then my parents got home and we went to the group home. It was the first time I was seeing it. It was nice. The people there said they were sorry. I didn’t really realize we were going to see her body until my sister led the way to her room. I kind of lingered back, not knowing if I wanted to see. We all went in and my grandma was there on the bed, with her mouth open and her lips blue. My dad tried to “wake her up.” Kind of like before, when she hadn’t really gone. He blamed himself, outloud. But there was nothing we could’ve done differently. He told me she was still warm if I wanted to hug her or give her a kiss, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to remember what she was like alive. I knelt beside her and said a prayer instead.

I don’t remember what it’s called right now but we had a ceremony before the funeral where we prayed the rosary with my grandma preserved in her coffin. The priest had everyone make the sign of the cross over her forehead. I was the first to do it. I didn’t like it because her skin was cold and hard. I petted her hair, which felt the same. Soft. The funeral director gave my sister and I paper to write Nani a letter, which we folded up and put in her coffin. I thanked her for everything and all the time we spent together.

The funeral was very nice and I didn’t cry then. Lots of tears during the before-ceremony. I don’t know what it was at the funeral, but I’ve cried a lot since then. I still wish I could go back and not get sick. Go back and see her in the group home. My parents said she wasn’t really lucid or talkative when she was there, but I still want things to be different. I wish the hospital had given her a damn CT scan during the many, many times I took her there for her uncontrolled blood sugar, hernia, etc. Good to know the blood sugar thing is a sign of pancreatic cancer.

My mom having cancer at the same time is still something I’m dealing with. And she’s dealing with. And dad’s dealing with. On and on. I don’t like thinking about cancer in my future. We’re all trying to eat better and use natural products. Mom’s breast cancer isn’t genetic, but they never tested my grandma’s.

Everytime I think of a happy memory with my Nani, it’s followed by “and you’ll never see her/hear her/be able to do that with her again.” I would like the second part of the thought to disappear. I’ve been having weird dreams with her still. Not the kind where a family member visits you and bestows upon you wisdom, a friendly greeting, or an I love you. Instead, it’s her as a restless ghost, a corpse, or the confused version of herself before she died where in the dream I’m still aware she’s gone. I want her back, I want to forget all this sadness. I want the dreams to end. Or at least give me some peace.

#personal #cancer #a really long diary entry really #I'm tired and sad

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songofsaraneth · 8 years ago

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WHEPHEW what a busy weekend. journal-blogging it up bc it was a Good one and i wanna remember it

friday after work started with the birthday party for the town multicultural center!! one of my housemates plays in a marching/brass band and they performed at it, everyone drank free margaritas and had chips/salsa/cupcakes, and then we tried to play a pretty unsucessful game of 4-square with some children and made me realize what a difference height makes in that sport (we had to play in like, Ultra Squat position to be on the same level as the kids, so basically Leg Day).

friday night was ALSO the first Bike Party of the year, where everyone puts on costumes for that month’s theme (this one was “safari”), meet up behind the bike shop and the guy with the solar powered speakers on a bike trailer starts playing a bunch of music, and then we bike up and down main st and wave to the tourists and then have a roving dance party around town. usually in the culverts below the roads, under the highway bridge north of town, or along the bike path past the campgrounds (sometimes picking up extra people from the campsites who feel like partyin). generally you get to an area, dance for 30-45minutes, then bike to the next, dance more, etc. VERY EXERCISE I always forget how tiring it is ;_; but this is the last time it’ll be on a friday for a while cause Tourist Season, so it’s probably the last one me and all my housemates could get to together. we wore our matching zebra onesies (that we got for our blanket fort house party back in february) and there were two other zebras also in attendance. another friend dressed up as “the jungle” and i’m jealous I didn’t think of that first. it was VERY COLD THOUGH like FUCK it snowed for twenty whole minutes in the morning. luckily the onesie is pretty warm. but we didn’t bike home till about midnight and i was So Sore the next day

saturday!! i was lazy and slept forever which was Excellent and then in the afternoon, met up with another mermaid visiting from Salt Lake with her family! i met up with her at her hotel and we swam in the pool for like 40 minutes before Noping out because it was cold and just sitting in the hot tub to chat instead lol. it was fun though! i’ve never met up with another mermaid for swimming before (the other time i tried we were rained out, but went to the aquarium instead, which was also super awesome) so that was neat! she had a Kariel sequin tail, which i’ve never seen up close before (40,000 sequins!!!!!), so that was cool.

after that i went to a friends bday party! which started out totally normal (chatting, lots of food, his dad was in town so talked to him a bit), then did a pinata (did u know adults trying to smack a pinata is even more hilarious than than when children do it), then chatted a bit more and at like 10pm people started dancin. except three dudes were sort of alternating selecting songs were like, trying to make the styles as opposing as possible (hardcore rap followed by slow lyrical ballad followed by bouncy disney) and it became kind of a competition to... keep dancing anyway??? no matter how weird the songs got?? culminating in a swaying Hug Circle to My Heart Will Go On, squiggling amoeba-like through the living room and kitchen to envelop Music Selection Dude #2 Who Hated That Song but was standing by the computer and we were worried he was gonna change it, and then everyone just... slowly grabbed his body and held it horizontally, then lifted him into the air and slowly spun him in circles just below the ceiling before gently lowering him onto the floor (where he remained perfectly motionless) and doing synchronized hand waving over his body. IT GOT REALLY WEIRD. but no one questioned it everyone was perfectly silent or singing along to the lyrics until the song ended. what the fuck. i haven’t been part of something That bizarre since college (tho to be fair, there were a Lot of those moments in college). anyway party lasted until a bit after midnight.

TODAY SUNDAY!! at 9am met up with folks to go WHITE WATER RAFTING! it was the going away party for a friend, so we got a bunch of gear together/a pal’s free boat rental for working at a river company, and some personal boats, so 3 boats and about 12 people. second time ive been on the river this season, the first was february and Very cold/total splash guards against the water, but today was the first decent day this week! about 50-60F all day, though the water was a lot colder (although what the fuck is going ON this is the DESERT we should be like in the 70-80s range this time of year). everything went great at first, the rapids were easy, we rafted for a couple hours and then docked at a winery with a helpful pier, and jumped inside for buffet lunch and optional wine tasting. which like, WHAT an excellent concept, i hear they’re doing brunches soon, and whitewater rafting into/out of a fancy brunch seems IDEAL tbh.

...buuuuut we got to the first rapid after the winery/last rapid we were gonna hit of the day and just. totally flipped. we lost back left paddler (who took a drink of wine from his beer can like RIGHT as we went into the rapid smh) almost immediately, and i turned to see what happened to him (i was back right), and noticed that our captain/acting guide was just ALSO GONE??? I still don’t know HOW he fell out i guess he just catapulted on the first big wave... everyone (sans myself) was pretty drunk and at high water level (~15,000cfs) you can go straight through (or, RDTFM, aka “right down the fucking middle”, thats ur whitewater lingo for the day), but it was only at like ~8000cfs today so instead there was just... a rock. so chuck (acting captain) pops up a second later and manages to grab the boat, i haul him in, turn around to see charlie (back left paddle) somehow on the other side of our raft now floating the rapid, and two of the front paddlers trying unsuccessfully to reach him.

then i look forward and OH GOD there is ANOTHER huge dip in front of us leading to aforementioned rock, and I sort of leapt to the left side/charlie’s spot to try to paddle off it, but no one was paying enough attention to coordinate and so we slammed it and the boat went riiiiiiight over. like, the most dramatic long-ways flip i’ve ever seen, threw/shoved us all down into the water. mostly i was thinking “OH FUCK” but also “SHOULDN’T HAVE BOTHERED PULL CHUCK BACK IN”, was under for maybe 5 seconds total, then popped up right behind the raft. pretty much everyone managed to hold onto the tie line and somehow i guess we also landed on charlie again so he had a hold as well. until we hit the next rock anyway, which popped the boat up for a second/swept me underwater and under the boat, and i ended up hand-over-handing it out onto the front side. which was easier for visibility/expectations but also i could see 10 feet in front of me that my backpack had come unsecured and was floating down the river without me, holding my phone (thankfully in a lifeproof/very waterproof case bc i’m not a Fool who takes electronics on rafting trips with no backup) and driver’s license and glasses hostage. and like 80% of me was ready to dive after it but while i’m an idiot i’m not That much of an idiot so i held onto the boat instead and watched it get farther and farther off. the first of our boats that went through (a dinghy with two passengers) was waiting for us downstream and seemed like they were gonna get it, but then one of our people got swept way downstream so they were on mission Rescue Susan instead. but anyway after a very charged minute or so that felt more like ten, we managed to kick ourselves into an eddy and get over to the shore.

at which point i became very confused bc our group now had 3 more people in it than were in our boat??? which is when i realized that our third boat, whcih had been behind us, had also capsized and dunked all passengers. but theirs was still trapped in the current (for like 5 whole minutes just bouncing on top of the first big rapid) so they all swam sans gear to where we ended up. anyway i sloshed to a nearby beach where some concerned rafters were watching (turned out to be our #3 boat guide’s coworkers, who’s company we were renting gear from, whoops), and over a ridge, and saw that boat #1 had sucessfully reclaimed susan, and a kind kayaker had saved both my backpack and one of our paddles. we dried off for a bit and checked everything over miraculously, the only casualties were some hats and sunglasses, one item per every person who flipped. the river gods were kind in their choice of sacrifices today. then we boated the last mile out and lay in the sand warming up until our car shuttle finished, and my friend who’s bday party i went to the night before & his gf & dad boated up RIGHT after us (they were also all at the multicultural center event friday) and laughed at us for having flipped. ah tiny desert towns. you see Everyone everywhere all the time. and i’ll see them again on wednesday for D&D so more mockery inbound.

anyway i got home and me n my roommate (also on the trip) took some VERY long/hot showers, drank some hot chocolate, and then watched cop drama tv shows in bed under the covers for 2 hours before ordering takeout soup and laying in bed some more. now i am laying in bed and about to go to sleep bc i’m exhausted but apparently still enough of an insomniac to never go to bed before midnight.

#ramblings #long post #a lot happened!!! so busy and also now im So Tired #sleeeeeeeeeeep time #wanderings #Colorado plateau wanderings #

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recentanimenews · 5 years ago

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Bookshelf Briefs 2/25/20

DAYS, Vol. 16 | By Tsuyoshi Yasuda | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – Usually with sports manga I can find some emotional beat to highlight, but this volume really is just a bunch of soccer. Not that that’s a bad thing. Seiseki has progressed to the second round of the All Japan High School Soccer Tournament and their opponent is Ichiboshi Academy, whose unpredictable playing style proves challenging. Tsukamoto takes a bit of a backseat this time as Yasuda-sensei focuses on some older players like Oshiba, whose experience gets him past Ichiboshi’s impressive defence and allows him to score the first goal of the game, and Usui, who is shockingly bested by Ichiboshi as they score a goal of their own. It may not be deep, but it is fun, and I always appreciate how clear Yasuda’s panels are, particularly in depicting pass and shot trajectory. I’ll keep reading! – Michelle Smith

Don’t Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro, Vol. 2 | By Nanashi | Vertical Comics – When it comes to teasing titles, I like this better than Uzaki Wants to Hang Out (which I’ve dropped), but it’s still well below Teasing Master Takagi-san. Where it does succeed is in the art—Nanashi is really, really good at drawing embarrassment, and knows it, so the entire title revolves around both leads getting red-faced and twitchy. The problem continues to be that Nagatoro does not get enough scenes where she’s shown to be teasing rather than just torturing him, and the “senpai” remains a thoroughly wet protagonist. That said, the addition of her two friends did make a nice addition, as it brings out her jealousy. No one toys with my senpai but me! – Sean Gaffney

How Heavy Are the Dumbbells You Lift?, Vol. 2 | By Yabako Sandrovich and MAAM | Seven Seas – The blatant fanservice is still there, but there may be slightly less of it, or perhaps I’ve just gotten used to it, as I was not as distracted by it this time around. Instead I remain fascinated by the workout advice, as well as the wacky adventures of the girls getting the advice, primarily Hibiki, who remains the best thing about this book. We’re also introduced to a new character, Zina, a Russian girl who really wants to be true to the stereotypes that Japan has about Russians. She’s fun, losing to Hibiki in a competition and then transferring to challenge her… and ending up in a different class. Again, I’m surprised that, despite some really blatant service, this remains refreshingly non-sleazy. – Sean Gaffney

An Incurable Case of Love, Vol. 2 | By Maki Enjoji | Viz Media – Maki Enjoji’s titles always seem to have heroines that I really enjoy, even when they’re screwing up. Case in point: Sakura at a party gets drunk and basically talks FAR too much, both to the group and later on to Tendo. Despite this, it’s really rather adorable and not pathetic, which is sort of what you’d expect. The manga also gets good later in the volume, as she deals with something that nurses also have to handle: a stalker who became obsessed with her as a patient. As for Dr. Tendo, he’s dealing with a rival for Nanase’s affections… and also a rival in teaching her how to be a good nurse, as he valiantly donates his poor arm until she shows she can put in an IV properly. This is just fun. – Sean Gaffney

Kase-san and Yamada, Vol. 1 | By Hiromi Takashima | Seven Seas – This is not the first Kase-san book, but the title change signals a sea change: the girls are in college, and Kase-san and Yamada are now definitely the focus rather than flowers, pastries, etc. That said, their couple status is both the plus and the minus of this book: as Erica Friedman and others have noted, both of them are dating but decidedly in the closet. And this is a problem on both sides: Kase becomes jealous when Yamada is invited to a group date, and takes steps to intervene; likewise, Yamada realizes that Kase has a roommate, and that, when her love is sick, she cannot simply rush to her side to take care of her. Real life tends to put crimps in a relationship. Maybe next volume they can tell the roommate about it. – Sean Gaffney

Komi Can’t Communicate, Vol. 5 | By Tomohito Oda | Viz Media – The majority of this volume is devoted to a culture festival, where our class has decided to do a maid cafe, mostly as Komi wants to do one. She may have trouble communicating, but she’s still the princess of the school, and a lot rides on her opinions. Of course, there are challenges. Tadano ends up being forced into a maid costume as well, Najimi’s attempts at making money break school rules and come close to violating actual laws, and Yamai exists. We also meet one or two new characters, including a sempai type and an “easygoing” type who tends to wander off, get lost, etc. Komi-san runs on cliches—deliberately so—but it remains at its heart sweet and heartwarming, especially when the two leads are interacting. – Sean Gaffney

Let’s Kiss in Secret Tomorrow, Vol. 1 | By Uri Sugata | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – Saya Kanra and Yuto Kozaki have been friends since elementary school and chastely dating since junior high. Yuto gets a makeover prior to starting high school, wanting to look cool and gain some confidence. The makeover proves too successful, alas, and now he has so many fangirls that Saya, fearing ostracism, has pretended not to know him and adopted the guise of someone disinterested in love. Now they’re trying to keep their relationship secret, occasionally aided by nerdy junior high classmate Amabiki, and talking mostly over voice chat, where things have started to get steamy in the tamest possible sense of the word. This may not be the most robust premise for a series, but I did like that the situation causes Saya to question both her own identity and her past assumptions about Amabiki’s quality of life. This series is complete in three volumes, which feels about right. – Michelle Smith

Living-Room Matsunaga-san, Vol. 1 | By Keiko Iwashita | Kodansha Comics – Originally a digital-only title, Living-Room Matsunaga-san has now achieved a print release! Due to family circumstances that aren’t fully explained, second-year high school student Miko Sonoda is shunted off to live not with her uncle but at her uncle’s boarding house with a bunch of strangers. Miko’s mother seems utterly unconcerned about this, and expects Miko to handle things herself. Thankfully, Miko is pretty capable for a teenager, with occasional lapses, and though she’s initially intimidated by her new housemate Jun Matsunaga, who comes across as belligerent and domineering, she soon realizes that he’s kind, caring, and passionate about his work as a graphic designer. Various situations ensue and Miko finds herself falling for him. While I’m not enthusiastic about a teen/adult romance, I do like these characters, the art style, and the kitty, so I’ll be proceeding on to volume two! – Michelle Smith

The Man Without Talent | By Yoshiharu Tsuge | New York Review Comics – While several of Tsuge’s shorter manga have previously made their way into translation, The Man Without Talent is his first long-form work to be released in English. In the accompanying essay, translator and historian Ryan Holmberg describes it as “Tsuge’s most popular and accessible work.” Originally serialized between 1985 and 1986, The Man Without Talent incorporates semi-autobiographical elements into its narrative. The story follows a cartoonist who seems to have largely given up on cartooning despite the pleas of his wife. Instead, he tries, struggles, and ultimately fails to make ends meet by selling stones he finds along the river near his home. The manga is an occasionally surreal but compellingly honest work, in part an examination of poverty, creativity, society, and self-determination. Readers rightfully intrigued by The Man Without Talent will soon have more of Tsuge’s manga to look forward to—Drawn & Quarterly has a seven-volume series of collected works planned. – Ash Brown

My Androgynous Boyfriend, Vol. 1 | By Tamekou | Seven Seas – Hooray for more josei! Souma Meguru is a beautiful guy who gets profiled in magazines and has many followers on Instagram. He’s been dating Machida Wako, busy editor, for seven years (ever since high school). This slice-of-life series depicts their domestic bliss as well as some of the challenges they face, like rumors that Meguru is actually dating a fellow male model or Wako’s coworker’s assumption that Meguru is female. I particularly enjoyed the chapter in which they go to “Ikeya” and Wako invents backstories for Meguru as he sits in various display rooms. It’s nice to read about a couple that has been together for so long; their relationship exudes trust and devotion. That said, it’s a bit weird that Meguru looks about twelve throughout, when he’s supposed to be so hot. Overall, this was pleasant and I’ll most likely check out volume two. – Michelle Smith

Our Dining Table | By Mita Ori | Seven Seas – I have read thousands of volumes of manga at this point but seldom have I encountered one as intensely charming as Our Dining Table. Yutaka Hozumi is a lonely salaryman who lost his parents at a young age and was never accepted by his adoptive siblings. When a pair of brothers comes into his life, exuberant four-year-old Tane Ueda and harried college student Minoru, Yutaka finds a family that will not only accept him but actively desires he be present as much as possible. I loved the slow progression of Yutaka and Minoru’s relationship; it’s one of those where it’s absolutely clear how they are healing each other of their trauma and what each finds appealing in the other. Also, Tane is incredibly adorable and it’s obvious how much fun Ori-sensei had when drawing him. I loved this without reservation. – Michelle Smith

By: Ash Brown

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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survivor-iceland · 5 years ago

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Ep. 4 - “I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home.” - Joseph

Raffy

I am glad that I survived tribal. Now I just have to win this challenge for the tribe! I don't want any of my allies to go home!

Raffy

My strategy for this challenge is not to be the guesser since that only puts a target on my back if we lose. So, Joseph volunteering himself is good for my game overall. Honestly, though, I really want to win this challenge so that the stakes are even when we get down to merge. No side has more people than the other. Also, taking the path of the bear lets me know that Cormac only made that alliance for that idol path. So there is no real bond in the alliance with Joseph, Ellie, Sierra, and him. Though, I do plan on using it against him later on if we happen to be on opposite sides.

Sierra

I lost my vote for the next tribal... so I’m a bit nervous about losing. But I almost want to lose this next immunity challenge so that I’ll still have the numbers on my side. If I don’t vote at a tribal and we still have the majority, I’m less likely to go home. Later in the game, my vote will mean more. I also don’t want to throw a challenge, though, so we’ll just have to see how it goes!

Joseph Collins

I think I established some trust between the still-alive Dylan and I. Me and Justin are starting to clock. Me and Elle have a strong alliance. I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home.

Raffy

You ever just want to organize a challenge so that your tribe can succeed, but none of them want to put in the work? I'm screaming and very frustrated.

John

so the trio is coming together, being me, cormac and zoe. we want sierra and stephen gone. stephen first, sierra second. they both have the potential to be devastating to our games come the merge. i last talked about this with them like 14 hours ago, but i’m assuming everything is the same. blindsides are becoming a necessity. and wowowowowow they are fun.

Raffy

I think we did really well on this challenge! I think we can win unless they have some sort of god taboo player on their side

Keith John

Its been a dull few days. Since we won immunity and the next challenge had ample time to be completed.

Another challenge that I couldnt compete in thanks to the time difference. Abit annoyed. As things can go in so many directions.

1. Tribe might not be happy about my challenge contribution.

2. The rapport built during challenges between other players will make things harder for me.

Although since im travelling soon. Il be on est soon. But I am not sure if I should let people know. As I dont know what could trigger them. Example. They might think. Il be able to play more socially and can easily be ready for future challenges like individual immunity. Hence I think for now. I should keep this info to myself and let my tribe underestimate me. Knowing that the time difference will hurt me enough to make me a so called GOAT that at the final tribal I might not have a case as I have not done enough. For now I have no choice. Hopefully i can make a few moves later.

Timmy

I’m trying to remember when the last time I confessed was so I apologize if this is a repeat. But I got what I wanted last tribal. At first people wanted Justin out rather than Dylan R and that wouldn’t have been good for me. It wasn’t difficult to get people to switch since all that had to be done was Justin say like 2 words to people to prove he’s more active than Dylan R so that was good. I hope we win the challenge, our score was good, but there’s could be better you never know until results. My fear is that Justin will go if we end up back at tribal and I’m not here for that.

Ellie

Because of debate I wasn’t on for the challenge and I feel like shit!! I hope we won or else I’ll provably be the vote out

Sierra

Well, we lost immunity again... and this time, I don't have a vote. That means that I have to work super hard to make sure that we're all on the same page and that votes go on one person. I tried my best during the challenge, and it was super close... so even though I was in the 'hero' position, I feel like I wasn't the reason that we lost the challenge. A few of the people giving clues during the Taboo game used 'illegal words' and cost us a few points. I think we would've been tied if that didn't happen. Still, anyone could go home at this point, and all I can do is hope and pray that it isn't me. Especially since I don't have a vote!

Zoe

okay well fuck, we lost the challenge.

I was pretty confident we were going to win but I was wrong. I'm not too worried, if only because I'm pretty sure Cormac wanted us to throw the challenge anyway, and this way we can get rid of someone we don't trust, whether it be Stephen or Sierra. This way is probably better anyway, because we can say we did our best and nobody will be upset about it.

John, Cormac, and I are aligned now in a group called "The Blindsiders" and we're trying to decide whether or not we want to convince Sierra that Stephen is after them, stirring up some drama and making them seem paranoid so that everyone will vote them out. I'm not sure if we'll go through with it, but we'll see. Cormac hasn't been super active lately, but I'm hoping he comes through soon. He is my partner in crime, after all.

Maynor

Damn. That immunity was so close. 36-32. Adding the ones me stephen n zoe got subtracted. Adds like 3 so like was 36-35 which like really sucks. But hopefully ill be okay for tribal.

Raffy

I am so glad that Joseph was able to pull through with this challenge. This means I get a day where I can just socialize and chat without having to strategize. However, some of these people are hard to hold conversations with like Timmy. I feel like I am bothering him all the time too, so I have to be mindful of that. My social game does need a bit of work, but I know I can make it better. Other than that, if merge does happen now, we are going in with an even split of members from both tribes. So, it should be fine all things considered. I'm certain that someone has found the idol by now, but I do not care much about the idol hunt to worry about it. Hopefully, the person who does is on my side in the end.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/fKN_ePEVYKc

Joseph Collins

Comfy week off of tribal 😎 I made a small decision that I think made a big impact. I chose to take clues via chat instead of call. It cut down on people trying to speak over each other. And I think that helped us win.

Stephen

So the games going eh. We’re going to tribal, which sucks, but on the other hand i feel like ive made some genuine connections. I made an alliance chat with zoe sierra maynor and john. I could take or leave john, he is nice but idk how much i trust him. The rest im putting all my game hopes on so, yeah, fingers crossed.

John

it’s not a secret, i’m going through a lot right now. i lost a coworker and my cat literally within days of each other, and i’m currently spinning thinking about the game because of everything going on personally. i already wanted stephen out, but to see that i’m number 5 in his eyes, that means he gotta go now. i ain’t coming here to be the fifth place throwaway. i do like chatting with him though, he is a nice guy. but i’m not fully in his plans moving forward. Keith JohnWell its tribal today. I had a feeling my name could come up due to being on a different timezone and having less interactions with people. I felt the same reason would be valid to target to stephen. And now I guess, Stephen himself felt that it could be used against him. So he is targeting me. I have no idea if he has any other reason

Now regarding, keep my ass safe for this tribal, I hav to keep faith with the people I made an alliance. Zoe has got my back. she also confirmed that Its I had an alliance with her n Cormac day one. I always planned to take it to final three and now I pray that they know Im honest in that promise Cormac has been busy and it looks unlikely il get to talk to him before tribal. John and sierra have said that they would do Stephen. Not Sure if Sierra is completely on board. Maynor has replied to me.

Im gona vote Stephen and pray no one gets an itch to make a move and vote my ass off.

Zoe

John and I have been getting closer just in general in Cormac's absence. Miss him, but I like John. Keith now trusts me implicitly, which is great. Three people on my side is better than one.

John and I have orchestrated the Stephen vote by making Sierra think it was her idea all along. Stephen came to me, Sierra, and Maynor yesterday asking to make an alliance (four votes into the game? come on) and in "oh, worm?" Sierra suggested we add John, which Stephen agreed to. He believes now that we are all voting for Keith, but everyone, even Maynor I think, will be voting for Stephen as far as I'm aware. After this, I'm pretty sure there will be a swap. I'm preparing now to talk to my new teammates, reignite old conversations, and maintain old relationships. Let's go.

John

i’m gonna flat out just say it. i 👏🏼 do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 trust 👏🏼 sierra 👏🏼. i think they’re open to literally any idea of an alliance, and if it wasn’t for me and zoe reigning her in, they’d be voting keith off tonight. they have to go after this vote. nice person, helpful in challenges, but they’d be a quick flipper.

Sierra

Stephen approached Zoe and I to talk about building an alliance with Maynor. Of course I agreed -- you're always supposed to say yes to an alliance, even if you don't plan on going through with it. I asked if Stephen would be comfortable adding John. He said that he was, so we added John to the alliance and conversations, too. The danger of Stephen wanting to form an alliance so late in the game is that the rest of us already have an alliance. Actually, most of us already have MULTIPLE alliances. Stephen hadn't approached us until recently. That makes me worry that he wasn't thinking about alliances or building bonds until later in the game, or that he doesn't actually want bonds with us and that he's waiting for a swap so that he can jump ship. My alliance is planning to vote Stephen out for those reasons... and honestly... I can't say I disagree.

Justin

This round I just tried to lay low and build my connections up cuz of my name being brought up last tribal. Luckily, my tribe won immunity so I don’t need to worry about being voted out. Now that I know I was being talked about, I think I’m gonna have to readjust my game-plan. I’m think I should align myself with Joseph, Timmy, and Dylan because Joseph and Timmy told me my name was being brought up and Dylan and I trust Dylan more than Ellie and Raffy. I think I it’s in my best interest if Raffy goes before she does because I’m pretty sure he’s talking to the most people. His possible connections scares me and I need to get him out soon because that’s the position I want in the game. On another note, Keith is stressed that he’s probably gonna be the one voted out this round. It would suck if he does cuz I really feel like I could work with him in the future, but it might not happen. That’s why, I’m talking to more people on the other side. Cormac hasn’t responded to me since yesterday so I don’t know what’s up with him cuz I really want to work with him too. John is just having a rough time. First he talks about his coworker dying and then his cat died too and that’s just terrible to hear. I’m assuming a swap is coming after this round and I just hope I get good numbers with the people I mentioned I would like to work with.

Maynor

Im in another alliance. Omg. Its me sierra stephen and zoe. The people who worked on the challenge and also john. This was made by Stephen and its cute. That leaves out Keith and Cormac. Zoe helped kept the target off Cormac and onto Keith which is good because Cormac is part of our other alliance that doesnt include Stephen or Keith. It is good and ultimately i will be siding with Zoe because I feel like i can trust her. Still no movement with idol search and honestly its just been my back for not doing it.

Stephen

I feel like I’m going home, people are super quiet and apparently my names already been brought up :/ Ah well, been a while since my last early boot, still. Who knows wattle happen. Just a little australian humour.

Joseph Collins

I’m wondering who’s on the outs of Melrakki. I think Keith or maynor go home tonight.

Maynor

Well looks like zoe sierra and john want Stephen out. Which i also feel like he is a threat in the game. It should be 5 on Stephen now with votes on keith and maybe a self vote for cormac. Im just hoping its true and not a plan to have me throw my vote and blindside me. If it is then i give them props because i didnt see it coming. Lets hope for Stephen going. But im so sad to do this tho.

Ellie

Life sucks, I’m glad that I have these people to connect with. I haven’t really been talking strategy much

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becomingstrong1289 · 7 years ago

Text

5/17/17

Ive been sad lately. I’ve been sad for a long time. Years i think. Maybe decades at this point. Life is so hard. This bipolar thing is really starting to make sense. Its like I’m so depressed and then i get an energy about me and i want to do everything all at once and then i get too overwhelmed and irritated and go right back down to depressed. Is it normal to feel like this. It surely is affecting my life. My job is on its last leg, my relationship with Shawn is all over the place, i lose it with the kids and dont have enough energy to be what they need. But this is who ive always been. In highschool i was a depressed mess. Growing up the way i did really didn’t give me a good baseline. is that possible to not have a healthy baseline.

Work: My plan has been for awhile, go to coding and find a job in that. Annie said it started at $17/hr. Eventually figure out how to go home to work. Once Owen is in school go back for nursing at Saint Anthony’s for my bachelors. It seems so easy. Cardiology is just a cluster fuck with a lot a lot of attitude. I hope this new girl comes in and makes it back to the way it was. I was thinking about attempting to take over putting on holters. Maybe that will get the nurses off my back. Its just unfair to me that i spend so much time on something that isnt necessary and then on a whim get asked to do something for someone else when no one is willing to help me. They only room pts if it is absolutely necessary. I guess nursing is all in the computer now. They cant even look away for a moment. i know there are better ways to deal with things. Today i wanted to figure out how i was going to take a lunch break. That meant asking Tana for help. But she had a meeting at noon and wouldnt be back until 3. So i thought i was fucked. She said i could go at 11, i was so negative and pessimistic i didnt see any other option. I feel like ive been sick for 3 weeks and its bringing me down. I got strep, the antibiotics affected me very negatively, and then i thought i was pregnant for like 2 weeks. One test even came out slightlly positive. Then i finally get my period and it is awful. The pain today was almost enough to make me go home. My body is throwing me for a loop. Im scared to take this stupid medicine for my thyroid, i feel sick, i have a fever constantly, my head is crazy, i have depression and anxiety, this divorce is killing me, i dont want it, i never did but its just happening anyway. i got the paper work. josh is starting to become a stranger to me. its just the weirdest feeling i hate being a single mom of two kids. im so tired and stretched thin. i put all my effort into things like cooking healthy and making sure they bath and brush their teeth twice a day correctly and doing natalies hair nicely and keeping my house clean for us. i see other people who dont do these things. Jodie said i should be more proud of myself for what i do. its hard to be proud and exhausted. is it worth the effort. are there things my energy could be put forth. is health and hygiene and cleanliness so important. Im so down, its getting harder and harder to see the joy in things. im so scare of getting on antidepressants. i dont want to be a zombie. i dont want the sexual dysfunction that comes along with that. I guess i just need to get through work and do everything i can. if someone asks me to do something, just do it. if i get behind on charts, just work until i get it done. if i have to not take a lunch break to get it done, then thats how it will be. a new coworker and a new boss might help the situation. who knows. im scared of the future i have there. i know i had it cushy with jeanette. i dont see it being like that with Laura. Bosses named laura are always “fun”.... just work hard. get yourself out of this rut. stop talking about outside life too. just focus on work. stop with your phone. i deleted fb off my phone. i need a break from that. dont let them see me on my phone. be perfect so theres nothing they can say. fake it til you make it i guess.

Kids: Owen is thriving i think. Hes a good little boy, eats well, understands and communicated well, funny and loving. Natalie is a ball of anxiety. i want so much to get into her head. my goal was to always have an open relationship with my kids that they would be able to tell me anything. that is definitely not the way it is. She doesn’t tell me anything. Its all a secret and then i get made because its a secret. Today she had an accident and tried to hide it from me. she trashed my bathroom. Im not sure why my 6 year old is having accidents. thats scary in its own right. i am perpetually scare my kids could get molested or something without me ever knowing about it. anyway, i got mad when i went into the bathroom and saw what she had done. there was shit everywhere. just everywhere. Later when things were calmed and she did her punishment i asked her why she has been getting in trouble at school. she opened up when i asked if she needed more attention. she actually got emotional about it. she doesn’t think her teacher spends enough time with her, she doesn’t get enough play time, and the recess people are mean to her. She genuinely teared up over it. i asked her what she needed from me. she wants me to play more games with her. i bought a deck of cards a few days ago, i was going to teach her how to play some games. its so hard to fit all of it into a night. i get home at 530. i have to make dinner by 630. its been nice so weve been spending a little time outside. soon ill have my garden i would like to stop there a few times a week before we go home. anyway. 645 is bath time. They stay in there for about 30 mins 715. then its time to relax. I guess this is a good time to read books. Im so freaking tired by this point. but 715 to 730 would be good for books. and 730 to 8 would be good for games with natalie. sometimes they have been going to bed later. for 730-45 for books and 745=815 for games. by 83o everyone is in bed. i guess ill see how that goes tomorrow. i want the one on one time with natalie and owen. i enjoy it so much. i love friday afternoons with owen. its amazing to have him all to myself. and then when me and natalie are alone its really nice too. we need more of it. i dont know how to be someone she can come to honestly and authorative. i want a relationship that she knows the rules but stays open about if she broke them and takes responsibility for it. I have no idea what any of that looks like in real life. Maybe that kind of thing only exists in movies and adulthood. im her mom, not her friend, i know that but i need her to feel comfortable talking to me and she isnt. The mental health group class i went to talked about “has anyone taught you how to deal with being sad”. No one taught me. it was looked down upon if i was sad or emotional. it annoyed my mom and she made me go away. i remember when my aunt died. i was fine until i saw her daughter and realized she didnt have a mom anymore and i wanted to cry but i had to excuse myself because i was taught inadvertently that is how you deal with sad. i didnt even feel comfortable crying at a funeral. thats sad. and even now, my sadness is isolation, crying alone and hiding everything. and how guilty i feel, just this weekend natalie got sad that we were going to pull out her tooth with plyers, we said it as a joke, and she started crying. i asked her why she was crying but she just clammed up. i was so frustrated i sent her to her room. im my mind i thought it would be a way for her to cool off but now i think if i would have just given her a hug and reassured her we were just kidding she may have opened up to me. im going to put more effort into her. 45 mins per night will be directly spent with them and only them. Im not going to take it away if they were bad. we need time together whether they misbehaved or not. i need to research better discipline methods. besides beating children i was never taught how to properly discipline a kid. time out was good before but natalie is too old for that now. i know things like cleaning and going to bed shouldnt be a punishment because then cleaning and going to bed normally will always be a punishment. i take away her snack but that makes me scared she’ll see food as a reward also. just how the fuck do i discipline a kid that doesn’t affect the rest of her life. one guy i knew made his kid run when she was bad. well i bet exercise will be a punishment when she gets old and shell die of heart disease from being sedentary her whole life. im going to bed. i hope getting some of this out of my head makes for a better tomorrow.

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