#ive probably written about my love for people a billion times

[charalol]

Hi tumblr,,,, I'm scared of you. But. We accidentally went mentally ill in the groupchat again.

[qoldenskies]

Now that 2024 is coming to a close:

1) Of everything you've made this year, which ones are you the most proud of?

2) What are a few of your favorite things (art, comics, fics, etc) that someone else has made this past year?

ngl for the first question, i think itd have to be caged lungs .... i continue to stew in silence about cw doing so much better than it because there's a lot of moments in it that fuck harddd even though its a little undercooked (i released it earlier than i wanted to because i didnt want to obsess over a bunch of little details, and i kind of regret that now! there are two scenes i would have added if i were able to change things now.) im also very proud of coming undone, especially because it was kind of my,, ig breakout in the fandom? it doing reasonably well is the REASON I AM HERE so be kind to my baby. if that hadnt happened, canary continuity wouldnt exist!!!

as for the second. goddd you cannot make me choose because there is SO MUCH so like. fanart? i'll just bring up some fanart that i think about so much.

this piece by vulstare is like my favorite thing ever STILL. id say its made my month but honestly its kind of made my year, i still gush so hard about it and go back to look at it CONSTANTLY. the idea that ive made something deemed good enough to have fanart of THIS QUALITY still makes me walk around in my home grinning like an idiot, so much that i think my family just thinks its my resting face. im never gonna get over it. whaaaat. i think i have seen this in my dreams

AND OH OH THIS ART BY KAYSDENOFCHAOS. IS SO BANGER. i absolutely adore the symbolism and color in it still, its such a well done and creative way to depict the closet scene with the time metaphor especially. i think its even influenced some of the ways that ive written it in cw chapters in particular. fantastic brilliant showstopping etc.

AND OF COURSE THIS COMIC BY VANGH17A OHHHH MY GODDDDDD!! i am SO mad that this only has like 400 notes when it is so utterly fucking fantastic yall should go and reblog it a billion times to make up for this awful horrible error. its so heart wrenching and beautifully done im gonna go fucking crazy

and this art of chapter 12 by cupcakeslushie of COURSEE!!! its super flattering because their work got me into the fandom in the first place so it was a bit magical bghdhghf. and god do i adore the perspective and lighting, its so haunting,,,, im insaneeee asylum /ref

AND THERE IS A TON MORE THAT PROBABLY JUST ISNT COMING TO ME BUT THIS IS WHAT I REMEMBERED ON THE FLY, please for the love of god just scroll through my fanart tag and go support all the lovely people that drew for me because WHAT DID I DO. TO DESERVE THIS. IM LITERALLY GOING CRAZY

also OF COURSE i gotta give a shout out to i want for us this (that we are well), that's the last song you'll ever sing, and i will save you when your lights go out. I HAVE,,, FICS OF MY FIC???? I HAVE LITERALLY CRIED REAL TEARS OVER THIS

i feel pampered as fuck LMAO. you guys do not understand what you do to me

[f-imaginings]

i was gonna write a small comment on one of your posts then i realized how intense i had gotten into this text, i really hope this isnt too concerning to get such a lengthy message, so my genuine apologies for this😅🙏

okie first off— oh my word, i just might tear up over hearing you’re plotting a sequel haha🤧 despite that, i seriously can not for the life of me fully express just how tragically poetic KMKY is written. i CAN. NOT. stress that enough. truly.. like i literally tell myself & some fellas aaall the time how i so desperately NEED to get off my bum and write a looong meaningful essay over your work (and for canon gravity falls’ story lol). i don’t mean to get out of hand and ramble but really, the full on complexity of ford & bill’s dynamic (canon or au) plus with certain canon events being extended in your perspective is just..ughh woww!!😫 the way you articulate both ford & bill’s internal struggles with themselves and towards one another throughout the whole timeline of events and with how they really aren’t so different from each another. how they both strive for similar goals of ��changing the world for the better. how they find strange solace in one another for being outcasts in their own societies. how (possibly) this is one of, if not the first time, bill had someone ACTUALLY fully accept and worship him back, regardless of his form. how they have endless conflicting thoughts and feelings constantly churning away in their brain, admitted or not. how bill is taking in every single new experience in a human vessel (an all-knowing immortal inter dimensional being is shown something NEW? by a mortal human being no less??? ohhh lord how i lose my mind over that, i could probably write an essay on that concept alone!🫡). and unfortunately, how both of their faults lead to ultimate consequences for anyone and everyone involved. goddamn, id be lying through my teeth if i said this fic hasn’t highly enlightened me wayy more for these troubled souls (canon or au). oh gosh i cant help but gush over this fic, ive reread it too many times to count. in all seriousness, your work has changed me very deeply 🫣💛

It is not at all concerning I'm delighted to get such a long thought out lovely ask about the fic!

I'm so glad it's brought you lots of joy and that you've had fun with how complex the characters get to be. I am sure you can tell haha but I love all the characters of Gravity Falls and want to do them justice, so the fact that people are vibing with how they're portrayed in my fic makes me very happy.

Ford and Bill are so similar and the story is littered with about a billion narrative foils to reinforce the themes of the fic. In the latest chapter I'm working on rn Ford's narrative foils in particular are a lot of fun to explore (Stanley obviously, and Dipper and Mabel too, but he's had a few narrative foils, like Antelias's worshipper Ingénue and Sandeep) but Bill gets some fun ones too (Zippy, Mabel, Pyronica) and as the main pairing their circumstances always revolve around the other.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about the sequel tbh. My notes app on my phone is full of plot points for it that will hopefully A) make y'all laugh a bunch (they made me laugh a lot so hopefully) B) tie up any loose threads from KMKY (though I don't plan on leaving a lot of them floating in the ether) and C) hopefully be a believable journey to a sort of redemption that won't feel forced for any of the characters. I want you all to believe that this is the logical progression for things if the circumstance in the sequel actually came to pass, I want it to be like that feeling of dawning realisation, accountability and wonder, that things really can change, so the readers can feel all the story beats that the characters feel when it happens. I want it to untangle the conflicted feelings they would all be left with by the end of KMKY. I know that through the course of KMKY they've all developed into their own versions of the characters in the show, but hopefully they're still recognisable to show fans. I'd want people to be able to read the fic and go 'yep that's them' even if they haven't read all 1 million words of KMKY haha. Anyway I can't ramble too much bc I don't want to spoil anything for y'all but I can promise it will be good.

Thank you for enjoying the fic so much and sticking it out with me. The encouragement you provide helps me write and put out my best work (because I want to impress everyone who enjoyed the fic and believed in me as a writer) so best believe that there will be some enthusiastic dedications next chapter in the authors notes.

[cenviswasteland]

okay from best to worst top three! klapollo krisnix wrightworth go!! with explanations duh - 💾

oh guess what i just found in the bottom of my drafts. sorry floppy disk you asked me this in march and now its almost june. my bad pestie

anyway i would LOVE to. im gonna cut the post here because it ended up getting pretty damn long and i wanna save the mobile users some pain

[[[hey welcome back thanks for clicking a button]]]

a little preface first: i don't think any of them are the "worst". im a multiship freak and i think all three of these are best and worst in their own way. id love more info on what you MEAN by "best to worst" because that's so very vague. do you mean in terms of relationship dynamic? do you mean in terms of personal perception? do you mean how much i like them?? since i have no idea what exactly youre asking me here, im just gonna shove a whole bunch of headcanons in your face and hope for the best. xoxo follow me

3rd place - Wrightworth / Narumitsu

the iconic, original gangster, blah blah blah. forever cute. theyre just kind of a little bland to me. like i feel as tho we've explored basically everything there is to explore in wrightworth with the exception of the seven year gap? eh maybe thats a terrible take who knows. theyre still lovely tho i love the seemingly constant stream of gayass lawyers on my feed. everybody loves narumitsu!

2nd place - Klapollo

i really don't have much to say about klapollo either. theyre cute as hell and they definitely have a lot more to ponder on (considering that the only game we really get klavier in is AA4 [no DD doesnt count klavs ass got fucking Visited and he was written so poorly thats NOT my klavier gavin]). and generally speaking im an AA4 fiend its my favorite game in the entire series and so im biased. also, another pretty constant stream of gay lawyer content. shout out to hyundere who made like constant beautiful klapollo content until the One Piece happened lol [im a one piece enjoyer too dont come for me this is not criticism]

1st place - Krisnix

my GOD krisnix. theres a lot of things that go into me enjoying krisnix, but the biggest one is the fact that they have the fucking wackiest, least defined relationship in all of AA4. (also, another AA4 exclusive lol). with the 7yg in play, theres so much room to play around. and most of krisnix really exists in their questions and the vagueness of their relationship. theres like a billion things to ask. how does this relationship develop? how did they meet? what were they like for seven years? what led up to phoenix suspecting kristoph in, yknow, the Everything that happened in AA4? what kind of relationship did they even have? were they "friends" that just happened to pull each other into their gravity? were they holding hands and cuddling every night? were they practically strangers until one of them needed to "blow off steam"?

and not to mention these people are both private/secretive as HELL (phoenix is probably the cagiest man ive ever seen ever. and kristoph, aside from being a man with a fucking army of skeletons in his closet, gets an unfortunately small amount of screentime in the game and not a lot of time to get into the meat of his character/backstory [see: black psyche-locks]). that adds another layer. they certainly dont talk about each other. so how did... All Of This happen?

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. and in general i like my ships a little more "toxic". and i mean. if you know ANYTHING about AA4, krisnix is pretty mutually toxic. i could totally make another post tearing into the inner guts of their dynamic and relationship-- hell, i could probably make FIVE.

moral of the story: krisnix forever. poggies.

anyway yeah i hope this uh. answered all your questions? how the hell do you end a tumblr post

[bethanysnow]

your name: Beth

your age: 24

your first fandom(s): Supernatural, Sherlock, Ouran Highschool Host club, Black butler, FMA, and one direction

how did you first get into fandom? My family was already “Nerdy” my mom loves Star Trek, my uncle loves Lord of the Rings and DND. So it wasnt a hard leap? I just found a lot of fandom through looking up my hobbies? Like I really liked Black Butler for a long time and so fanfics would pop up and that lead me to cosplay and that led me to AMVs and that lead me to those spaces for the other things I liked.

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? Probably for over 12 years

how often do you read fanfics? Almost everyday

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): Eddie Munson, (And tecnically the three oc’s ive made based off of Joseph Quinn, Jamie Campbell bower, and the main OC) I also follow a lot of RPF, (If thats not you’re thing cool, but it is mine so shhhh lol)

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? if so, shout it out! Yes I have written a plus size reader! x Ethan Torchio fic that tended to be very popular with that sphere of people which was fun. I also wrote/am writing though its on break right now a ‘crying on prom night’ fic with Eddie Munson.

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? Yes

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: DEAN WINCHESTER AND EDDIE MUNSON DATE FAT GIRLS!!!

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? Depends on the show, or what it is, and who im talking to. But show the hot characters, funny memes from it. Talk about it often.

and finally, what does fandom mean to you? Oh dear, could write a whole thing on this. But I will say, its a lot harder now in society to find community and village esk communities where we all help each other and love and share and build great works. We no longer on large scale make culture, we curate and reproduce things that have been made already. In fandom we can do this though we make culture. As more than just a subculture, it is a way of existing in knowing you are not weird or crazy or not normal. You can find people who get equally excited about the thing you are excited about. And keysmash at one another! its great! This social and almost philosophical response to talking to people at a town square that is internet billions big has the privacy and intimacy of a coat closet because its fandom. Some of the best relationships ive had are from fandom, some of the worst ive made are from fandom, it really is about the spectrum and scale balance of personal vulnerability which Fandom allows you to have. 

I tag @que--sera--sera​ @lifeofa-fangirl​ @marlena-immortale​ @maneskinbrainrot​

Thank you @depressedstressedlemonzest for the tag! ^-^

TAG GAME WEDNESDAY: FANDOM EDITION

Thank you @juliakayyy @stocious for the tags!

your name: Lem

your age: 31

your first fandom(s): The first real Fandom experience I had was with Good Omens. Like as a kid I liked the Hunger Games and such, but Good Omens was the first one I actively started reading fanfic and fandom for.

your current fandom(s): Shameless and Stranger Things

how did you first get into fandom? I wanted more Good Omens content after finishing the show. And I was like "hmm I've heard of this tumblr place" the rest is history.

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? four years I think!

how often do you read fanfics? at least one a week, it would be more but my brain hits me

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): Mickey, Ian, from Shameless, I can't decide on a third between Fiona, Iggy, and Kevin. Stranger Things, Eddie Munson, Chrissy Cunningham, Steve Harrington

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? if so, shout it out! Yes! Good Omens, Shameless, Stranger Things.

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? I've done some art bits for Good Omens on the computer, and then more crafts with Gallavich after joining @gallacrafts

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: God I have so many. I can't list all the TOP ones.

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? The florist scene, that's what got me to watch it. Seeing it all over tiktok.

and finally, what does fandom mean to you? I have people I care about and enjoy that like the same things I do, and I never really had that. I have more friends out there than I know.

I'll tag, @bethanysnow @witchboywitchboywitchboy @trans-alpha-male @ian-galagher

[lunaticsandidiots]

this is probably really oddly specific but after reading your adrian + movies headcanons, it got me thinking that adrian would definitely have a dvd collection of his favorite movies - all in one of those cd wallet / case thingies (cause he's such a 90s kid 😭 ) they're all organized alphabetically, and some pockets even have a little note slipped in with written timestamps of his favorite scenes so he could easily rewatch them.

adrian loves the idea of having his favorite things being tangible, something he could hold in his hands and show to people. GAHH just the idea of him being so excited to show his s/o his dvd collection the first time they stay over at his place!!! adorable!!!!

- 💥

BAM THIS IS SO TRUE. immediately i thought about my friend’s dvd collection - she has a bookshelf dedicated JUST to her DVDs and its all alphabetical and i can just 100% see adrian having something similar. and then i couldn’t stop thinking about what adrians house would be like in general. and now we have new Z headcanons…

adrian + home…

(ik ive used this gif a million times before but its my fav ok look at him hes so cute)

i can see adrian living in a little apartment by himself, something odd and kind of shitty with a nonsensical floorplan (like the fridge opens the wrong way and theres a door in the bathroom that leads outside).

i dont think adrian would have many (or any) houseplants or pets - i don’t think he’d see the appeal, or even really think about them as an option when left to his own devices.

there would be so much superhero memorabilia (of the ones he admires/think are the ‘true good guys’) and just a billion knicknacks of all the things he loves.

every single wall would be plastered with posters of his favourite stuff too - everything from Aqua to Saw.

adrian also have a ridiculously large bookshelf to hold all of his favourite video games and DVD cases (i like to think he has the CD wallet with the discs and the notes but keeps the cases for sentimental reasons & has them in a specific order).

adrian would literally have like (1) mug that he uses for everything (coffee, juice, alcohol, water) and it’s his favourite and its like a One Direction mug he found at a charity store.

(the day you show up and he’s acquired a second stupid mug just for you? thats adrian’s version of a god damned proposal.)

and then he’d just have like, a few plates/bowls/knives/forks/spoons that he’s sort of just inherited over the years, never needing a full fancy dinner set or anything.

adrian is 100% one of those people where their house looks like a tornado just tore through it, but if you go to move something or put something away you just hear;

“NONONONONO! THATS NOT WHERE THAT GOES!”

because it may look like a mess to others, but to adrian? everything is exactly where it needs to be.

(and he knows where every last key, coin, elastic band and sticky note is at the drop of a hat).

surprisingly, i don’t think adrian would be a floor-mattress kinda guy. i think he’d at least have a basic bed base or something.

and i think it’d just have nice, simple sheets in like a forest green or something. nothing childish, nothing fancy. just nice. cosy.

[luveline]

jadie (may i call u that ?) i was wondering how u deal with hate on ur page. does it ever get rlly hard to the point where u think about quitting or something? ive been going through some hate of my own and although im still a small acct and the love outweighs the hate, its still super hurtful and i just wanna know how someone with a following as big as urs would handle it ! thanks so much

you can call me whatever you like!! how I deal with it..

I think it's important to acknowledge that I have a 'bigger' account or a bigger following because if you tallied up the hate to the kindness I'm shown, there's always going to be more love. And I feel like I can stick up for myself more often because I know I've made friends here and have followers that will support me!! So I would definitely say those things are a privilege that I have to help me

That being said, I've definitely noticed a tenfold increase in hate as I gain followers and i think thats natural, it makes sense that the more people that are exposed to me and my writing, the more I will see people who dont like me or my writing. Sometimes I handle it by crying my eyes out, and sometimes I just feel really sick all day. Lots of the time, hate pretty much saps me completely and I find that I don't want to write anymore because you do start to internalise that and feel negatively about yourself. It's always worse when they kind of find the thing you're sensitive about and prod at it.

And hate feels to me like it is in two categories, actual stuff with value and then the troll/bait kind of stuff. Most of the mean anons I receive I block straight away so they can't send anything again. Sometimes I post it because I want my own say, like when I don't agree with the way someone's speaking to me.

Sometimes you get silly cruel ones, and sometimes you see hate and think like??? What does this have to do with me? Fanfic and writing in general can be so skewed toward personal preference because why wouldn't I write what I want to write? This is my hobby and its for fun, and so when you get those "this was awkward' "this was poorly written" "why did insert character do this" I can disregard that pretty easily cos its a comment based on their own perception and preference. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to!

I recently saw someone get a hate anon that said like "you need to use more full stops, I need to take a breath" and it made me laugh because there are literally millions and millions of books and billions of words of fanfic online and that person has seemingly never encountered a run on sentence before? I think you just have to keep in mind that your circle of experience in life is different to other people's , and there will be overlap but often the majority won't, like a Venn diagram. What I'm trying to say is I tend to not take that stuff too personally (though it's still hate, and still annoying!) because that person probably just hasn't realised the world doesn't revolve around them yet!

Hate sucks! We aren't goodreads authors, we aren't offering our work up for a five star rating and asking people to pick it apart, and it's always gonna be gutting when people don't like what we have to offer. But I just try to take it on the chin because rejection is a constant in life, and if you don't wrestle with it I'd imagine I'll turn into a bitter bitch. 😅

tldr: I let myself be upset by it! I give myself space to feel sad but ultimately I reason that you can't please everyone, and you shouldn't want to! Do what makes you happy and the right people will find you and love you for it !!

[actualbird]

🥺🥺 omg ive been thinking abt ur longdistance michael in the phillipines bmc fic for Years...... please if u have an ending/more content/any thoughts do share!! i havent been into bmc for a long time but that fic just pops into my head all the time its the quintessential bffs to lovers (god i HOPE) experience

michaelmeal Today at 8: 04 PM i think we’re lost

michaelmeal Today at 8:46 PM oh man

michaelmeal Today at 8:55 PM gps is FUCKED says we’re INSIDE the mountains and that roads are FAKE

michaelmeal Today at 9:06 PM oh hey that was kinda a haiku

michaelmeal Today at 9:40 PM mom just went full spooky and talked about how we’re being tricked by a kapre which is basically a big dude that lives in a tree and smokes and messes w/ people if he feels like it what kinda goals except he likes making travellers get lost and we’re the travellers he’s messing with which is not goals it is i just broke my brain trying to think of the opposite of goal dark goal

michaelmeal Today at 10:12 PM 11:11 MAKE A WISH I HOPE WE DONT DIE FUCK goddamn slowest internet speed in asia

michaelmeal Today at 10:30 PM the view is great tho image.jpg

michaelmeal Today at 10:51 PM not only did my wish come true via the gps finally bucking up and telling us we exist again but we just passed by this shop thing and sjfdhfkjdsf wait it’s best if youre online im a patient boy i can wait maybe

michaelmeal Today at 11:18 PM hey uh lord i dont talk to you anymore but please make my dad stop using big probably fake color words while we play i spy amen and rock on SARCOLINE??????

michaelmeal Today at 11:32 PM i see the ocean!!!!!!!

michaelmeal Today at 11:40 PM we fuckin did it image.jpg

juruhmuh Today at 4:33 AM Glad you didn’t get lost forever! And shit those pictures look lovely.

michaelmeal Today at 4:38 AM why in the FUCK are u awake rn

juruhmuh Today at 4:39 AM Hello would’ve been nice :/

michaelmeal Today at 4:39 AM do i look like a normie to u kidding kidding hello jeremy good morning jeremy you are the light of my life jeremy why in the fuck are you awake rn jeremy

juruhmuh Today at 4:40 AM Sdgdhfsdhfshd I took a nap. That just ended up as regular sleep.   So now I’m awake because I’ve lost control of my life.

michaelmeal Today at 4:40 AM hey waking up early is a good marker of people who do have control over their life also eating a fruit at breakfast or something and yoga

juruhmuh Today at 4:42 AM You sound like an article a mother of six wrote.

michaelmeal Today at 4:42 AM i am a mother of six the gang is my children

juruhmuh Today at 4:42 AM SGFJSDHFJH. There’s seven of us tho?

michaelmeal Today at 4:43 AM i didnt include you doofus thatd be weird on like a billion different levels

juruhmuh Today at 4:43 AM For some reason you have a point. How’s the beach?

michaelmeal Today at 4:44 AM AWESOME like the waves arent huge or anything but u can still surf and it’s fuuuuuuun dude it wouldve been really fun if you came like you’d get hella sunburn and become a peely tomato but itd still be fun

juruhmuh Today at 4:44 AM It’s not fun when you’re the one with the sunburn, Michael!!!

michaelmeal Today at 4:45 AM PEELY TOMATO

juruhmuh Today at 4:45 AM Unfriended.

michaelmeal Today at 4:47 AM :’( image.jpg

juruhmuh Today at 4:51 AM Well, you’re definitely shirtless.

michaelmeal Today at 4:52 AM oh thank god just when i was worried you couldnt see

juruhmuh Today at 4:52 AM Put. A shirt on.

---

thats  what else i managed to write of always toward!!! as for the ending of the fic, because this was a chatfic, i sadly didnt outline the plot very extensively. but here is what i have written down for chapters 2 and 3 anyway

i hope this helps, anon!

[bravomckenzie]

Not being funny but how can you and Kat talk all this smack about everyone else’s fics when Olivia is a Mary Sue who never really progresses and Kat writes nothing but self inserts who can’t even portray WOC without using micro aggressions, wrote a gay character shagging a straight woman because her MC is oh so sexy and perfect that even gay men go for her as well as romanticising abusive relationships. Like I get that you’re probably seething because you’re not as big of a deal as you used to be back when the fandom was a microcosm with a few fics going around, but the fact you’re so bitter as to sneeringly turn your nose up at new content? You and Kat are so fixated on positioning yourselves as people who are better than everybody else, it’s why Kat writes all those whiny Reddit posts about how hard it is to be a fanfic writer in a community where everybody is oh-so jealous and bitter because she’s getting so many more reads than everyone else and how it’s such a stwuggle to be a big writer in this mean space. You aren’t as big as you used to be and you’re so bitter about it, it’s actually hilarious. Stay mad that the fandom is thriving without your output and stay mad that people are doing things bigger and better, life goes on.

first of all, wrong kat mama LFHSKFJSJFN i am not and never have been friends with the kat you’re referring to and i fully agree with what you said about it. my kat has nothing to do with litg anymore. like interacting with me is as close as she gets these days.

next, i’ll give you credit where credit is due - i am not as important here as i used to be. and i’m the first to admit it. i used to be one of the most popular bobby stans in the fandom. i am not that anymore. my relevancy i still have is because on the fact i did write such a popular fic. i am a fandom elder at this point who newer blogs really probably only follow because they’re kind of just “supposed” to. like i was very popular at one point, making me just a standard litg blog you follow when you show up here. and once again, i can admit it. i will always be just the author of ciwyw now. and i am more than fine with and even proud to be that. i love my fic more than ive ever loved anything i’ve ever made.

so with that being said!

olivia’s growth and development is something i pride myself on. and saying there’s no growth on her behalf means you either didn’t finish the fic or genuinely lack reading comprehension skills. more than anything, ciwyw follows olivia’s journey in discovering her worth and the way she deserves to be treated. she isn’t a mary sue. she isn’t a cookie cutter mc. she has flaws and she makes shitty choices. she’s both an objectively shitty girlfriend and shitty friend at several points throughout the fic. to say she’s anything less than that is deadass just wrong. like actually factually incorrect. and i do take insult to that so i guess you made your silly little point.

stating my opinion on not being into the new content being created doesn’t mean i think i’m better than anyone. because like i don’t? i have said a billion times that i consider myself an okay writer AT BEST. my characters and plot as concepts are where my work shines. my actual writing is nothing special. i just genuinely do not vibe with the repetitiveness that the fandom has come to at this point. and i don’t enjoy the concepts for the other pieces being written rn with the exception of a few.

since day one, i have said this blog exists for me to scream into the fandom void about fandom things & a place for whoever wanted to do that too. i never meant to or even tried to become relevant. it just happened. my current or former levels popularity have nothing to do with what i think.

the anon who sent me the asks made valid points about issues in a popular fic in the fandom. like genuine problems that exist within the story. she was funny about it which is why i was funny about it back.

anyways. y’all should know by now, especially since you’ve apparently known me for a hot minute… i’m literally not going to stop posting whatever i feel like screaming into this void. like idc how much yall get mad at me and tell me to shut the fuck up. it’s literally not happening.

i do not care what you think of me as a person. i’ve settled into my mean girl narrative quite comfortably. i’m fine here. i realized it was something i’d never shake off. your opinion of me is your own. much like mine is about fanfic.

stay mad. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ohblackdiamond]

liner notes/unused joke summaries for kiss fics (part iv)

Despite what my general dislike of the shift key and my tendency to mock all that I love might imply, I actually overthink everything I write to a great extent. I make no claims to these explanations being in any way enjoyable, but if you wanted to know what I was thinking while writing KISS fic… now you do. Part one can be found here. Part two is here. Part three is here. 

little t&a --If Paul had boobs, they would be big and Gene would want to grab them.

>>Title from a Rolling Stones song of the same name; most of the chapter titles are from another Stones song, “The Spider and the Fly.” I started it during quarantine as a means to occupy myself and destress, and didn’t initially plan on posting it at all. Once I’d written five chapters without having posted it or mentioned it to anyone, I figured, well, I guess this might as well go somewhere, so I put it up. I had the hope that it’d give me something to strive for during the stress of lockdown, and I’d assumed that I wouldn’t ever have that much time to devote to a story again.

There were a couple of things that really inspired me. I’ve always enjoyed sexswaps as a bit of a guilty pleasure, but wanted to do a different take on them-- there’s this tendency for sexswaps to either be wacky hijinks or an excuse to write particularly brutal noncon. There’s also a tendency for the sexswapped character to almost automatically start adopting stereotypically feminine traits he didn’t have prior, with no real reason for it. I wanted to try and avoid all that as much as possible.

... There’s also another tendency for the sexswapped character never getting back to normal, and I wanted to avoid that, too. I mean, c’mon, KISS is supposed to start the Love Gun tour a month after the fic. Paul can’t exactly pull the trigger of a love taco. (Maybe gently brush it a bit...)

I had Paul already cursed for five days at the start of the fic because I thought it would make things easier and allow the plot to advance more quickly. I also felt like it would give him more autonomy-- prior to Gene showing up, he has tried (albeit in small ways) to get a handle on what’s happened to him, and while he’s hermited it up, he hasn’t given up. Autonomy in general was pretty important for me re: Paul. (Incidentally, probably one of my favorite things about this fic is that Paul’s made that poor twelve-year-old kid on his bike buy him sanitary napkins.)

I wanted to explore a couple of other things, too, mostly rock and roll’s (and KISS’ in particular) pretty heinous treatment of women. Gene and Paul argue in the eighties that groupies know the score from the beginning, and even postulates that those relationships are more “honest” than just taking a girl out to dinner. They’re not alone in this (and, of course, as married men, these days they try not to discuss those times at all); almost every band/artist from around that time period will give you the same answer. “The girls know what they’re doing.” I think many of them did know. I also think many of them came into those hotel rooms expecting a lot more than they ever received, and I think plenty of girls ended up at the very least disappointed by their encounters, if not humiliated or worse.

I don’t know if this was successful, but I also wanted to at least try to poke a few holes in celebrity/idol worship as well. Carol’s scathing comments to Paul-- “they [fans] think there’s something you’ve got that they can get at, but there’s not” pretty heavily exemplify behavior I’ve seen at conventions, fan meet-ups, etc. At the end of the day, well, there’s no point in putting them on much of a pedestal. I dunno. I’ve seen some weird crap in the name of fan worship, in and outside of RPS. Keith Richards talks about it in his book-- girls urinating on themselves out of sheer nerves/excitement just at seeing the band, etc., which, while disturbing, had to have given them a sense of being something beyond ordinary (and act accordingly, of course).

I don’t know. I like them a lot, but I can’t hero-worship these guys; they don’t live in the real world. They’re not, ultimately, relatable or accessible despite the billions of photos, the twitter posts, the meet and greets-- any more than they were 40-odd years ago. I think there can be a real danger in thinking they are. I wanted to show that, too, but again, I don’t know if it came across properly.

One of the aspects I really struggled with was getting a good handle on Paul’s innately slippery sense of identity without it overtaking the story entirely. Gene’s very stable identity was a good foil, and it helped that most of “t&a” is from his point of view, rather than Paul’s.

Another place I faltered with was Paul’s outing alone at CBGB. The first draft had the guy in the club slip quaaludes into his drink, but I really didn’t like that at all and felt it took too much control away from Paul/punished him for going out on his own. I thought it’d be more interesting if Paul deliberately took what he knew was a dangerous combination (alcohol + quaaludes) in the hopes that would make him feel better about sleeping with someone he didn’t care about.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, having him do that (and the way the scene with the guy at the club ends) also meant that I couldn’t have him hop right into bed with Gene that night, either, so that accounts for some of the delaying. I was also really wanting to make sure in general that when Gene and Paul finally did go all the way, there wasn’t any feeling of being coerced or pressured. Not that Gene would do either of those things, but I didn’t want him or Paul to be doing it out of any feeling of obligation or hurry; I wanted it to be as natural as possible, under the circumstances. And I wanted, again, Paul’s dubious sense of self and Gene’s ambiguous feelings about Paul(’s boobs) to come into play-- yes, Paul, now you, too, can take Gene on the amazing technicolor dreamdate you’ve been fantasizing about for the last seven years! Or, you know, not. Overall, there are some pacing issues and the story slows down considerably after Gene takes Paul home from CBGB, but I like to hope that most of the scenes add something.

There were a couple of secondary plotlines that got scrapped because I couldn’t get them to fit well enough with the narrative. One of them was Paul’s very troubled relationship with his sister, Julia. There’s a fair amount of references to her scattered throughout, and Paul brings her up on several occasions, generally without much provocation, and generally at mildly odd moments (at Central Park and immediately after getting drawn by Gene being the standouts). There was an initial draft of the chapter in which Ace calls Paul, where Julia’s the one calling Paul instead (after having gotten his number from their parents). I wanted to at least get the start of a reconciliation going between them. Ultimately I scrapped it because I couldn’t get it to flow with the main plot and never felt like I’d ever explored it thoroughly enough for it to be worth a detour.

The comparison between Paul and Carol is pretty blatantly obvious, even in the narrative. Paul and Gene both recognize it (Gene, initially, when he notes that Carol doesn’t seem to belong at 54 any more than Paul does), and it makes them highly uncomfortable. (Mary-Anne, Carol’s friend, also notices it-- “she [Paul] reminds me of Carol. Just pitiful.”) They’re both very shy, insecure people that have thrust themselves into a world they’re not naturally suited for (show business) in order to achieve their own ends. They’ve both put great stock in a single person who helped them (inadvertently or not) during a dark time, and are driven by those feelings, despite knowing that person is out of reach.

Physically, they’re intentionally mostly opposite (Carol’s short, with a slight build, lighter hair, blue eyes, vs. Paul being, well, Paul-- tall, fuller build, black hair, brown eyes). But narratively speaking, neither of them are described as beautiful; “cute” and “kind of pretty,” sure, but nothing past that (except when Gene says it towards the end). That was important, too, for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to further the comparison between them; two, I wanted to at least try and dispel the idea that all groupies were glamorous; many of them were rather ordinary-looking.

Paul not being “playboy material as a girl” was very deliberate. I feel like a lot of sexswaps tend to make the guy in question end up a ridiculously hot babe, which didn’t quite jive with what I was going for (not that I wanted Paul to end up awful-looking, but...). ... He’s probably hotter than he thinks he is though; at least, Gene didn’t mind at all, and Pete thought he was pretty. I wanted him to be recognizable if one knew where to look (face, body language). I didn’t want him to end up a tiny, frail-looking waif-- given what he looks like as a dude, that didn’t make sense to me. So this meant the less perfect attributes had to stay and carry over to a female body. He ended up with big boobs because... well, honestly because if he wasn’t going to end up with a great figure overall, he might as well have great boobs. And I mean, really, his chest’s already pretty all right as-is.

I didn’t want there to be a love triangle, but I did want it obvious, at least in an offhand way, that Peter and Paul had had sex (Ace mentions it in the car with Peter, with his “how long did it take you”). I wanted to incorporate Ace and Peter to as great an extent as possible in general.

Marbas is an actual demon from The Lesser Key of Solomon, although other than the few sentences Paul reads off from that grimoire, there’s not much more information on him to be found. 

[jiminfms]

         *  hi  ,  my  name’s  tee  and  this  ain’t  a  waist  trainer  bitch  ,  this  a  back  brace  i  got  scoliosis  .  𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨  ,  𝐢𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫  𝐤𝐫𝐢𝐬   ( finally  )  !  i  prefer  either  feminine  or  non - binary  pronouns  ,  and  i  reside  in  the  est  time  zone !  it  has  taken  me  so  long  to  formally  write  and  i  highkey  hate  it  because  i  lost  muse  for  my  queen  miss  giavanna  ,  so  i  decided  to  bring  another  muse  instead  of  leaving  because  honestly  ...  i  love  ya’ll  🥺 .  the  way  i  love  miss  jennie  kim  is  more  than  i  wanna  admit  ,  so  let  me  introduce  you  guys  to  the  tiny  ball  of  aggression  that  is  jimin  jung !

          omg  !  i  was  walking  yonge  street  downtown  ,  and  you’ll  never  guess  who  i  saw  .  jimin  jung  !  i  just  saw  a  post  about  them  on  sixsecrets ! i  think  it  said  something  like  ' jimin  jung  physically  restrained  by  security  guards  following  a  verbal  argument  with  fellow  customer  at  drake  one  fifty ! ' .  isn’t  that  wild  ?  i  guess  it  makes  sense  though  ,  since  they’re  apparently  antagonistic  and  bellicose  .  but  i’ve  heard  they’re  also  sultry  and  voguish  ! i’ll  just  stick  to  giving  them  the  benefit  of  the  doubt  .  i  mean  ,  it’s  not  like  i  know  them  personally  —  they’re  a  famous  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  ! you  know  ,  i’ve  actually  heard  rumors  that  redacted  ,  but  they’re  just  rumors  …  i  think  .  i  dunno  .  if  you  happen  to  run  into  them  ,  tell  them  i’m  their  biggest  fan !

FULL  NAME  :  jung  jimin  .

NICKNAME(S) :  n/a  .

AGE  +  DATE  OF  BIRTH :  24  +  june  10th  ,  1996  .

ASTROLOGICAL  SIGN  :  gemini  .

MEYERS - BRIGGS  PERSONALITY  TYPE :  entj  .

MORAL  ALIGNMENT :  chaotic  neutral  .

GENDER  +  PRONOUNS  :  cis  female  +  she / her / hers  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION :  biromantic  .

PLACE  OF  BIRTH :  kensington  ,  london  ,  england  .

PLACE  OF  RESIDENCE  :  toronto  ,  ontario  ,  canada ( specifically  ,  in  the  neighborhood  of  forest  hill ) .

OCCUPATION  :  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  .

VOICECLAIM  :  dua  lipa  .

NATIONALITY  :  british  -  korean  .

ETHNICITY  :  korean  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  korean  ,  and  japanese  .

i.  prosopography  .

            jimin’s  story  begins  with  the  fateful  meeting  of  her  parents  ,  kim  seo - yeon  and  jung  do - young  ,  on  a  cold  winter’s  day  .  they  found  themselves  at  the  tender  ages  of  20  and  22  ,  attending  a  boring  christmas  gala  with  their  parents  when  they  would  have  preferred  to  do  anything  else  in  the  world  .  seo - yeon  was  a  women  who  knew  what  she  wanted  the  moment  her  eyes  landed  upon  it  ,  so  when  she  made  brief  eye  contact  with  do - young  ,  she  purposefully  spilled  a  glass  of  champagne  onto  his  expensive  tom  ford  suit  and  made  a  big  deal  of  it  .  this  sparked  their  whirlwind  romance  ,  and  six  months  later  they  found  themselves  announcing  their  engagement  to  korean  media  outlets  .

           despite  how  quickly  they  were  engaged  ,  their  parents  saw  this  as  mutually  beneficial  .  seo - yeon  is  the  youngest  daughter  of  the  wealthy  kim  family  ,  owners  of  the  kq  group  conglomerate  that  was  worth  billions  in  its  own  right  .  do - young  was  the  only  child  of  his  parents  ,  and  came  from  park  family  lineage  where  their  hotels  and  resorts  were  the  cause  of  their  fortune  .  the  families  were  soon  to  be  one  ,  and  the  couple  was  the  chaebol  heirs  that  others  envied  .  following  their  lavish  wedding  ,  seo - yeon  and  do - young  decided  that  they  were  going  to  head  off  to  london  to  make  a  life  for  themselves  .  so  ,  they  transferred  to  oxford  university  ,  finished  their  schooling  ,  and  shortly  after  seo - yeon’s  graduation  from  the  financial  economics  program  ,  the  couple  discovered  that  they  were  expecting  .

          it  was  a  sticky  summer  day  when  seo - yeon  unexpectedly  gave  birth  to  their  daughter  ,  who  decided  not  to  allow  her  parents  time  to  get  to  the  hospital  .  jimin  was  born  in  the  bathtub  of  her  parents’  luxury  bathroom  ,  and  right  into  the  arms  of  her  slightly  panicked  but  overjoyed  father  .  from  the  time  that  she  was  a  toddler  ,  araminta  was  a  very  precocious  child  ,  picking  up  on  skills  quite  quickly  and  speaking  in  few  short  sentences  by  the  time  she  was  eleven  months  old  .  as  she  grew  older  ,  jimin’s  parents  remained  hands  on  despite  their  busy  schedules  ,  and  decided  that  they  would  see  what  their  daughter  would  have  the  most  interest  in  .  when  she  was  four  ,  her  parents  began  piano  lessons  ,  and  it  was  evident  that  she  had  a  natural  gift  for  the  instrument  .

            life  for  jimin  had  always  been  comfortable  ,  but  she  didn’t  want  to  take  the  usual  route  ,  or  what  was  expected  of  her  .  she  had  always  been  interested  in  music  ,  so  she  she  originally  started  with  taking  dance  classes  .  she  trained  in  all  forms  of  dance  in  order  to  be  well  rounded  ,  and  she  initially  had  dreams  of  becoming  a  backup  dancer  ,  but  when  she  was  playing  around  and  decided  to  make  a  video  singing  a  song  that  she  had  written  all  on  her  own  ,  jimin  became  an  overnight  sensation  .  her  song  ,  hotter  than  hell  ,  blew  up  almost  instantly  and  she  was  signed  to  warner  music  group  .  

            i’ve  written  enough  VCJNXVBHCV  but  her  career  has  followed  the  timeline  of  dua’s  ,  although  it’s  slightly  off  by  maybe  the  month  or  the  year  .   she  has  won  a  total  of  forty - two  awards  in  her  career  ,  including  two  grammy  awards  and  three  brit  awards  .  although  miss  dua  got  a  lil  clowned  for  her  dancing  at  one  point  ,  i  must  say  that  jimin  is  quite  the  performer  ,  and  definitely  makes  use  of  the  stages  by  recreating  music  videos  or  simply  giving  the  audience  an  experience  .  she  has  not  released  future  nostalgia  as  of  yet  ,  but  it’s  what  she’s  currently  working  towards  !  through  her  career  ,  she  is  known  by  her  mononym  jimin  !

ii.  temperament  .

jimin  is  a  real  bitch  ,  but  she  doesn’t  go  out  of  her  way  to  ‘  out  bitch  ’  someone  because  she  finds  it  to  be  kinda  dumb  .  she’s  primarily  looking  to  have  fun  ,  and  no  one  is  about  to  be  bitchy  around  her  without  getting  snatched  up  .

she  parties  like  she  just  turned  twenty - one  and  dares  someone  to  say  something  about  it  !  invite  her  to  the  club  and  she’s  coming  without  a  second  thought  .  she’s  the  friend  who  will  make  plans  and  will  get  a  little  sad  when  people  cancel  on  her  ,  but  she’s  still  going  to  find  a  way  to  enjoy  herself  .

does  not  take  authority  seriously  and  she  can  be  seen  making  a  jerking  off  motion  whenever  someone  kisses  up  to  those  of  authority  .  talks  shit  ,  but  backs  it  up  because  if  you’re  bold  enough  to  talk  shit  you  might  get  hit  ,  right  ?  

she’s  a  sultry  bitch  and  she  loves  it  .  give  her  the  chance  and  she’ll  flirt  with  a  tree  ,  she’ll  flirt  with  a  plant  ,  and  she  might  flirt  with  your  significant  other  .  she  can  get  kinda  lewd  and  will  say  something  really  off - beat  ,  and  honestly  shut  her  up  if  you  do  .

the  epitome  of  a  gen - z  /  millennial  line  straddler  as  she  can’t  walk  past  a  mirror  without  taking  pictures  of  herself  .  sickeningly  vain  as  she  takes  pictures  at  any  chance  she  can  like  after  getting  her  hair  and  makeup  done  or  even  when  she’s  out  and  about  shopping  .    

iii. headcanons  .

jimin  is  quite  chaotic  and  she  does  not  hold  back  from  it !  she’s  a  pot  stirrer  ,  and  she’ll  watch  everything  unfold  as  if  she  wasn’t  the  one  to  start  the  problems  in  the  first  place  .  not  afraid  to  spread  a  rumor  or  putting  a  trolling  instagram  comment  on  one  of  her  posts  on  blast .  she  likes  to  be  petty  ,  but  she  can  back  it  up  ( but  it’s  NOT  fat  enough  😔 )  .  

her  style  is  vastly  different  than  what’s  expected  .  on  stage  ,  i  would  think  her  style  is  something  akin  to  kpop  stage  outfits  ,  but  not  necessarily  as  tame  .  she’s  not  afraid  to  show  skin  so  there’s  a  lot  of  embellished  leotards  and  heels  ,  dramatic  eye  makeup  and  perfectly  styled  hair  .  off  stage  ,  she  likes  a  relaxed  but  high - end  style  .  lots  of  denim  ,  lots  of  black  ,  loves  oversized  pieces  ,  but  she  loves  to  follow  trends  where  she  can  .

loves  to  yoga  ,  pilates  ,  and  anything  else  that  doesn’t  involve  having  to  go  to  an  actual  gym  .  she  especially love aerial  yoga  as  it  keeps  her  flexible  as  a  dancer  .

miss  jennie  didn’t  let  us  enjoy  it  long  enough  ,  but  jimin’s  hair  is  canon  to  jennie’s  blonde  pieces  ! she’ll  switch  up  the  color  every  so  often  with  temporary  dyes  ,  but  other  than  that  ,  it’s  usually  always  blonde  !

she  doesn’t  drink  st*rbucks  so  don’t  ask  her  to  go  ,  and  she  especially  doesn’t  go  because  she  likes  very  simple  coffee  drinks  .

iv.  wanted  connections  .

give  me  everything  ,  please  !  i’d  love  some  of  the  basics  like  former  friends  ,  best  friends  ,  industry  rivals  ,  friends  with  benefits  ,  confidant(s)  ,  frenemies  ,  good / bad  influences  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  or  a  current  or  ex  fling  !

because  i  love  my  women  loving  women  ,  hand  over  the  ex  girlfriend  !  in  my  head  i’m  thinking  that  they  were  a  really  happy  couple  and  they  were  really  good  to  one  another  ,  but  they  drifted  apart  .  they  remain  good  friends  and  people  probably  think  there’s  still  feelings  because  they  can  be  rather  touchy  feely  with  one  another  (  👀 )  .

ifykyk  ....  but  i  love  angst  !  i  love  to  have  my  heart  ripped  right  out  of  my  chest  so  give  me  angst  in  any  form  :  angsty  friends ,  exes  ,  anything  !  

a  couple  who  are  stuck  in  a  limbo  !  they  have  yet  to  make  it  past  the  point  of  friends  ,   wondering  if  they’re  just  a  hookup  to  one  another  would  there  could  potentially  be  more  .  they  probably  fight  a  lot  because  of  those  underlying  feelings  ,  but  it  could  be  interesting  to  explore  either  way  !

give  me  enemies  !  and  not  for  fake  but  two  people  who  genuinely  dislike  one  another  .  it’s  not  surprising  for  jimin  to  not  get  along  with  a  lot  of  people  considering  the  fact  that  she’s  not  ...  the  nicest  ,  and  i’m  not  entirely  sure  as  to  why  they’d  dislike  each  other  ,  but  it  could  be  so  much  thank  u  KFJDFDS  .

give  me  the  heartbreak  that  still  lingers  i  will  sell  you  my  SOUL  .  maybe  their  relationship  was  good  ,  or  it  was  a  mess  KNFJD  ,  but  but  when  they  broke  up  they  haven’t  fully  gotten  over  it  yet  ?  probably  a  lot  of  lingering  looks  ,  and  giving  compliments  but  they’re  kinda  awkward  because  they  don’t  know  how  to  approach  each  other  sometimes  .

[qoldenskies]

do you have a scene from the whole canary continuity series that was your favorite to write?? And/or one that was the most difficult to write?

i cant pick a favorite or least favorite SO

i did in particular enjoy writing the closet scene! it was very funny to learn i had some form of psychosis in the middle of writing it completely unrelated though

OH and i loved writing the scenes at the beginning of CL, ive had those scripts written forever and the little twin cuddle was cute. also pretty much ALL of miner's eulogy was so breezy to write (even though i'd probably change the pacing on a couple of scenes if i wrote it now) so i have appreciation for it

trying to think about scenes that i LIKED writing uhhhh that scene with donnie and splinter kind of early-ish in CL where he cries on him is so wonderfully tragic and i actually enjoyed writing it quite a bit. also special shout out to the conversation the twins had in ch15 it just seemed to keep going and going and i was having a blast

as for scenes that were DIFFICULT hmmm

chapter 11 and chapter 14 were. so hard. action scenes fuuuuck me in the ass always and wwww is gonna have so many of them so im scared. i LOVE myself a good fight scene but i feel like an amateur actually writing them, maybe its just something i'll get better with in time

also the finale of CL, just because it was the only scene where i had to take breaks to calm myself down several times. its a very distressing scene that really got through to me, so im hoping it was that hard hitting for others. idk when i get the courage to ask people for their favorite cc scenes for research purposes in like a billion years or never because im shy i guess i'll see

let me just say that i am not excited for the kitsune retribution chapter at the end of the story. its going to be sweet sweet justice and i am very excited for the Extremely Feral Mikey you will be getting (its like hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby except coughing baby WINS by a LANDSLIDE) im not gonna have fun with the action

they call them fight scenes because i am fucking fighting my own demons trying to make them good (i am losing)

[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 129

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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

Anon 1 said:

Hello, I've lost a fic I was reading. In it Bucky is an alien, I think. He is a boxer/fighter, he fights against other alien/enhanced creatures (there's one that's some kind of giant lizard). Steve is still Cap, and he falls for Bucky, and starts going to the gym and becomes Bucky's training partner. What else? Nat or Fury tell Steve about Krees and Skrulls. Bucky lives in the gym, has his few belongings in metal boxes. Sorry, I can't be more specific. Thank you in advance.

samanthahirr, partyhardwoohoo and capiturecs sent in The Boy With The Thorn In His Side by BetteNoire (WeAreWolves) (complete | 21,980 | E) - AO3 restricked

Anon 2 said:

So I've been looking for a fic that I read probably close to a year ago. It was post TWS and they were living in the tower. During the war they had written letters to each other using their initials for names (Baby for B.B. Sugar for S.G.R) and Sam and Steve are really close so at some point Bucky ends up asking Steve if Sam calls him sugar too. Sorry that it's super vague

mythgrrl said:

i feel like ive sent you a billion asks over the years! good news is i found a fic i know i had sent in asks for a few times (sorry), bad news is i lost another fic. it was steve/buky pwp in wakanda after CACW. it was bottom!steve and they had no lube so they bucky used spit. although it was their first time in the 21st century it was established relationship. i swear the summary was smth like "steve & bucky have a free night in wakanda, they spend it how you think they might"c

disgruntledturtles said:

Hi there! Do you know the fic set in pre-war, where Steve and Bucky are out of money so steve makes a racy film and Bucky ends up seeing it?

slutforasoldier said:

Hey! Super sorry but I'm looking for this fic where Steve and Bucky have a disabled daughter with like metal legs? And they adopt an abused native American boy, I can't remember much else sorry x

dragonflybeach sent in Finding Nina by MPantrochilles (complete | 53,344 | T)

Anon 3 said:

 ive been looking for this fic where sam and steve are on the typical "searching for bucky" roadtrip and one night they're in this shitty motel and buck just comes in through the window. i know it's not much to go on, but ive been looking for this fic forever now. please and thank you. i wish you the best of luck.

dragonflybeach sent in If They Haven't Learned Your Name by silentwalrus (complete | 237,623 | M)

Anon 4 said: (abuse)

Hey! I’ve been looking for this fix I read a long time ago. Bucky was raising his niece by himself. Steve was dating Brock rumlow, and rumlow was super abusive. Bucky meets Steve and notices somethings wrong so he tries to help Steve get out of the relationship. There’s also a touch of clintasha

legion-of-queer said:

okay, so maybe you wonderful people can help. Im looking for a babysitter bucky fic. he baby sists steves kids (bucky is a teen) they get into a relationship and nat is buckys sister? ive been looking everywhere for it and just really want to read it again!

Anon 5 said:

alright it's day three in the search for this fic and I'm getting desperate lol. Do y'all know the one where Bucky is kinda mean and cold as a kid until he meets Steve, and they have to touch to be comfortable in their own skin? Steve's mom says it's because they have a special bond but Bucky's mom is like, nah, ur weird. Thanks!

Anon sent in how we are hungry by liketheroad (oneshot | 18,366 | M)

Anon 6 said:

Hello! First, I would like to thank you for all the hard work you do! I'm sorry to bother, but I've looked everywhere for this story, and had no luck finding it. I remember that Bucky forgot about Steve (temporarily), but Steve still kept an eye on him. Then Sam calls him one day to let him know Bucky is missing, only to find him in his apartment (obviously angry). I highly appreciate your help. Also if there is any other story like it. Idk why, but I live for angsty Steve watching over Bucky.

Anon 7 said:

Hi! I searched on your kid!fic rec but didn’t found it so in this fic Steve has a kid and he go to a nursery at the Avengers tower and Bucky take care of him. I just don’t remember if it’s a captain America/modern Bucky Barnes or not 🤷🏽‍♀️

kittenkakt and Anon sent in Love You More by Loeily, Squeaky (oneshot | 36,477 | T)

Anon 8 said:

hi! i lost a fic and need your help :( ive searched on a bunch of your tags and also on ao3. i remember the avengers thought steve was inocent and stuff like that and steve, bucky, natasha and sam (or clint im not sure) go to a mission and bucky and steve have sex and think that no one hears them but when they are on their way back home natasha or sam make a comment about what they heard. i know this is very vague, but the fic was short and i read it a long time ago. thank you so much <3

therandomravenclw and Anon sent in Watch Your Mouth by Enalena (oneshot | 5,311 | E)

indelicateink said:

You guys have opened my eyes to SO many wonderful stories I wouldn't have found otherwise--thank you. I'm hoping you can help me re-find one I loved? Searched the library tags, AO3, my bookmarks; starting to think I'm crazy. Hope this is an easy one: AU in which Bucky is the lead singer of a band (other avengers are bandmates); Steve is a former member of the band (bass guitarist?) who quit under acrimonious circumstances. The story focuses on him temporarily rejoining to help them out on tour?

Anon 9 said:

Hi, I’m looking for a post-WS fic where Bucky and Steve are in the Tower, and Bucky starts learning to cook and making all these amazing meals but he tells Steve they’re all takeout, and somehow the rest of the avengers gang ends up helping him hide his awesome new cooking skills from Steve. I checked the chef tags and can’t find it in there.

capiturecs sent in Dream of Caramel: or, A Recipe for Disaster by gwyneth rhys (gwyneth) (oneshot | 17,037 | T)

Anon 10 said:

i can’t seem to find this kidfic i read once. one scene i specifically remember stevebuckys child ate something they (i think he?) were allergic to. real hurtcomfort

[theabandonedunknown-blog]

dont know what the fuck this is

DO YOU EVER KIND OF WONDER WHAT LOVE REALLY IS? IS IT a FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION? FLASHING BACK A HANDFUL OF YEARS… I HAD FALLEN IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME. OR SO I HAD THOUGHT. (((THIS WILL JUMP AROUND THREE BILLION TIMES BEFORE YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF WRITING IT, OR AT LEAST WHO I AM AS A PERSON.))) WELL, KNOWING MYSELF I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I AM ALWAYS HESITANT TO GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE IN TERMS OF A RELATIONSHIP. I DO NOT LIKE FEELING VULNERABLE AND I HAVE TROUBLE WITH MANY THINGS SUCH AS INTIMACY, EYE CONTACT, WHATEVER. IVE ALWAYS BEEN SO CURIOUS ABOUT LOVE, MAKING ME JUST ABOUT THE STUPIDEST PERSON ANYONE COULD KNOW. I WANT TO FEEL WHAT REAL LOVE IS LIKE, I WANT TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING SPOKEN ABOUT AND WRITTEN IN THE BOOKS. I AM AWARE THAT I AM YOUNG, BUT IT FEELS LIKE TIME IS RUNNING OUT. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE I NEED TO COMPLETE THE BIG THINGS IN LIFE IMMEDIATELY. MAYBE THIS IS BECAUSE A HIGHER POWER KNOWS I WILL NOT BE HERE LONG. ANYWAY, I AM TERRIFIED YET CURIOUS. MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP I FORCED MYSELF TO LOVE THIS BEING, WITH EVERYTHING I HAD. THIS WAS THE WORST DECISION I COULD EVER MAKE. I WAS 15. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS PERSON WOULD THEN RUIN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND FIVE YEARS LATER I WOULD STILL HAVE BEEN WITH THEM…. STUPID, YES. (NEVER ONCE SAID I WAS SMART)..... BLAH BLAH BLAH, MORAL OF THE STORY IS I LEFT THAT WITH A FEW THINGS

YOU CAN BELIEVE SOMEONE LOVES YOU, YET THEY ARE DOING TERRIBLE THINGS NOT TO YOUR KNOWLEDGE

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU GIVE A LITTLE BIT, TOO MUCH, OR NOT ENOUGH, THEY WILL NOT TREAT YOU RIGHT, VALUE  YOU, OR STAY WITH YOU

neverrrr trust a man

To be completely honest, this list could probably continue a hell of a lot younger

——> i have learned many things over the past five years of that relationship, parts of myself, and traits and habits I plan to never return to. However, some damage is not to be erased.

Currently i am in my second relationship. I have carried some damage over from before into this… yes, if you truly believe that i should have healed what hurt me so i did not allow myself to ..”Bleed on other people”, then you are so right. Buuuuuut. What if they all are the same? And what if it is because of me? What if all they do is use someone until they have no purpose anymore. What if they just dont care about you, but they still want you around? I will never know how to understand love, that is something i have since come to terms with, yet it still fascinates me. I will continue to love and repair myself and try until i no longer have it in me. Last time it truly almost killed me so we will see how this goes.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

8s = 8 Year Time Jump?

Okay Peeps! I’ve been wanting to get a theory posted about this for a while, and it’s something that I’ve mentioned briefly here and there this season, having to do with the time jump. I thought it would be a super-epic sprawling post, but it’s really not. I’ll be linking to several posts I’ve written before so you can get more details, and that will keep this post relatively short.

It has to do with all the 8s we’ve seen in the show since S4 and especially around Beth. Let’s do a little recap of some of the major instances of 8.

We saw a TON of 8 clocks around Beth. Most of the clocks we saw in the background of Grady read 8:00. Details HERE.

Then there’s all the 8:20 clocks, which represent something specific about death and resurrection. Details here: (X, X, X,)

When Daryl leads the walkers into the basement in Alone, there’s a tray down there with 8 pairs of scissors. (X). I’m mentioning this one for a specific reason. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

There’s Eugene’s 8-ball reference in S6. (X)

There’s the fact that in Still, Beth and Daryl pass the grandfather clock, and it reads 8 minutes before the hour. When they pass it again, it chimes. Which means 8 minutes have passed. Again, very significant. (X)

Then there’s a prominent number 8 behind Beth in 5x09, during Ty’s death hallucination.

We have some 8s in Roman Numerals (X).

Quite frankly, there are also a lot more random 8s that I haven’t mentioned here. These are just the most significant. Click the links above for more details, understanding that I doubt I even have all the instances recorded. There have been TONS of them.

Okay, so what’s up? What’s my argument about 8s? If you read through these old theories, you’ll see that most of them argue that the 8s must point to S8. Because that’s what we thought. They must show that she’ll return in S8. How could they not, right? But she didn’t. We were disappointed not to see her in S8.

Was that a little discouraging? Sure. Uh, you know, for most people. ;D

I’ve even justified it with the fact—yes fact!—that Andrew Lincoln was originally supposed to leave in S8, but ended up staying until S9. But the more I look at all the 8s around her, the more convinced I am that we were simply wrong and they NEVER pointed to her return in S8.

I just don’t think it can be a coincidence that we saw all those 8s, and then, after 2 time jumps, we’re now exactly 8 years post-Coda.

Thesis: I think the 8s pointed to her returning after 8 years (for the characters in the show; not us). Take a second look at the instances I’ve pointed out in the past. Look past the actual number and to the way the symbol actually functions.

Clocks at Grady: The 8:00 clocks are often in the rooms of patients who have just died. We’ve always assumed that pointed to Beth’s own “death” in 5x08. And it probably did, but as @wdway pointed out HERE, the symbol for the number 8 in the Hebrew alphabet is X (X Theory) and it means “new beginnings.” (Which we can also tie into baptism/rebirth/beth = water, but that’s a whole other post.) So I think these clocks were meant to symbolize Beth’s own death (which is why we so often see her and the 8 clock with dead patients at Grady) but that she’ll return after 8 years for a new beginning.

Daryl and the 8 pairs of scissors: Remember the last thing he said was, “Go up the road, I’ll meet you there.” Beth: “I’m not gonna leave you.” Then he sees 8 pairs of SCISSORS (another Beth symbol from Grady). See what I mean? I’m thinking this showed that the meeting up the road wouldn’t happen until 8 years later and that they wouldn’t truly be together again like they were in S4 until 8 years had passed.

Grandfather clock in Still: This one is probably the most significant. I mean, we literally had them pass the clock—you know, the one with roman numerals and the latin inscription that means “time escapes”—and when they pass it again, 8 minutes have gone by. I mean, we all know there was a billion pounds of symbolism going on in that golf club, and we have a literal representation of 8…units of time passing. Again, now we are exactly 8 years post Coda. Think that’s a coincidence? Yeah, me neither.

Eugene’s 8 Ball reference is honestly a little less clear, and I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on it. On one hand, the wolves showed up right after he made this reference, so it could show that the wolves wouldn’t return/truly be beaten until 8 years later. But he also associated the 8-ball reference with “end game,” so maybe it shows that the end game (a.k.a. Beth) wouldn’t be seen for 8 years. Again, not sure on this one. Just spit-balling.

And of course the 8 behind her in 5x09 is probably pretty obvious at this point: that she wouldn’t be seen after that until 8 years had passed.

I also want to throw in that TD has read a LOT into all the time references around Beth. Yeah, there’s the clocks, but we’ve gone much deeper than that. References to resets, messing with time, time travel, time slippage. You get the idea. I’m wondering now if we were really over-thinking it. Maybe all those time references, starting from Gimple saying they were messing with time in S5, especially right after Coda, simply were a way of referring to (without actually saying) that a great deal of time would pass before they went back to Beth’s arc and told us what the hell went down during those missing 17 days.

So this is where I’m currently at in my thinking. Does it mean she’ll show up in S9 for sure? Not necessarily. Unfortunately.

I still think there’s a good chance we’ll see her this season, but I can also see the back half being very taken up by the Whisperers and them not quite getting to Beth. (I’ve said before that her return in S10 would have a certain symmetry because of all the Xs; X = Roman Numeral 10). So I think it could go either way.

If we don’t see her, I’ll be disappointed but I believe more than ever that we’ll see her somewhere, and soon. I think the only thing we can say for sure right now is that we’ll see her somewhere in this new arc that began with Rick leaving. That’s why we’re seeing so many Beth symbols, Beth parallels, images of her, her voice, etc. She’s coming in this arc.

But if the show starts moving really slowly again (we haven’t heard any peeps about another time jump anytime soon) then we might still be 8 years post-Coda in S10.

See what I mean? So yeah. Those are my thoughts about where we’re at heading into 9b.

[smallblanketfort]

reasons not to

i asked followers and friends to tell me why they’re alive. why they stayed. this is what happened.

the world is beautiful, like, breathtakingly, stunningly, dashingly, spectacularly, exasperatingly beautiful. every wall dirty with paint and ornate with mud and graffiti, all the moldy trees and infuriating insects, all the contorted perfect faces around the world, the decaying and the rising, whatever dichotomy that comes to life and anything that grows according to the plan is beautiful. and it breaks my heart that i will never see all the beauty in the world, but at least i gotta try.

I’m staying alive because I am not ready to be forgotten. This universe has existed for 14 billion years and will continue to exist for at least 14 billion more. In this grand scale, I get an average of 70 years, if I’m lucky. I will not be forgotten. I will do everything it takes to make a difference, to create, to grow and to cherish. I will not be forgotten.

tbh, the main reason i keep myself clean and alive is that i know my family wouldn't be able to take it if i didn't. everyone in my family either has psychological issues or strong tendencies to develop them, and the reason we all keep going, i believe, is because we know we have to be there for each other, otherwise everyone will fall. and i know it's kinda sad and maybe a little unhealthy sometimes but it's how we've worked for the longest time, and hey, we're still here, right?

I’ve stayed alive for my gay ambitions. I wanna kiss a girl! While sober! I’ve had 2 kisses while drunk but I don’t remember one and it sucks. I wanna be confident enough to kiss a girl without anything helping. Also one of those girls was straight and kissing me for attention from her gross boyfriend, I’d like to avoid that situation again lol. But yeah, gayness. Fuckin wild my dude. Gotta shoot my shot and get some lip-lock ya feel?

i reached out for help a while ago to a teacher and if it weren’t for him i might not have made it. he’s said so many things and tells me that i matter, i’m worth it, i deserve to be happy, and he wished he had a daughter like me. it makes me cry knowing that he puts effort into making sure i’m okay, and that’s what keeps me going. i want to make sure his efforts don’t go to waste.

I'm still alive for going out with friends on nights like this. Hearing the birds wake up. Seeing neon lights and stars. That even when I feel so lonely, so alone, I can at least see my friends have fun and lose myself in the music.

I want to be clean because then at least i know i can do it. I've only stayed clean for a few months and then relapsed. If i can make it to a year, then at least i know i can do another and then another and then another and maybe even not deal with it at all anymore. I just want to beat this for good.

my mom’s battled depression her whole life, and last fall i broke down sobbing and started telling her about how mine had been festering in secret for so long. and she started telling me about all the pain she never thought would bridge the mother-daughter divide and how she wanted to breathe in the shadows like smoke to keep them from burning my skin. sometimes at night we crawl into each others beds and carry the weight together when our arms have started giving out. i stay alive for her.

The thing that kept me here most was knowing that my life is not really my own. No one is purely self- contained. To end my own life would be to alter dozens. So, to counter my own feeling of worthlessness, I invested my time in things that I knew had a net positive impact on the world. The more objectively positive meaning that I gave to my life made it harder to argue that I should kill myself. What would my parents do? What would my also suicidal younger brother do? We're probably a package deal in this regard. Same with some students I lead a mental health group with. I had set an example to them, and I can't fail that hard without risking their well being.

Simply, my boyfriend. It started with him physically hiding anything I could use to hurt myself. Over time, with his support, I learned some self worth and improved so much. Now those things don't have to be hidden. Even now that he's gone for a year and a half and our contact is limited to a 20 minutes phone call a day and letters, I find I'm still stable enough to stay alive and clean. He taught me how to be safe even without him and that's worth everything.

I stuck around because for some reason, something was telling me to check things out until I'm 30. When I was a kid, I imagined myself getting older all the time. When I wanted to die, I couldn't see anything past the age I was in, 19. I was both so scared and so sad for my innocence, but apparently, it never left me. Because, even though I couldn't /see/ myself beyond 19, my body made me feel like I could. Did that make sense? I'm 24 now. So far I'm glad I stuck around.

Don't want to sound conceited, but there was a kid at church who just loved me. She was like my tail. Although, I think I learned from her more than she learned from me. We both spent the whole day in church because of various activities I was involved in and because her parents were in the choir for all the services. We were always together when there was nothing for me to do-- she talked a lot. I loved hearing what she had to say. That's why I didn't. I looked forward to her growth every week

I'm alive because of the Oscar's. A few years ago a theater was showing all the nominated movies, and my mom and I went to see Manchester by the Sea. It's a sad movie, about an accident that killed some kids, but it affected my mom a lot more than me. I remember walking back to the car and her talking about how she probably wouldn't be able to go on if one of her kids died. I still can't imagine a future, but so far I'm here and tthinking about that conversation in that parking structure.

i stayed alive because i couldn’t choose which sunrise would be my last.

My family, friends, and God keep me here. If it weren't for them, I might have committed suicide or at least harmed myself because I was so overwhelmed with the world and hated myself for how far I went into sin. I might be in prison because I was heading down a path that could have lead to illegal things. God has always pulled me back in and my family has always been there to talk to. A couple of friends have helped a lot too. I also hate inflicting pain on myself and others, so that has kept me here as well .I am still coming out of certain sins and I am still recovering, but I have hope now in Christ and hope for a better future. I still get overwhelmed and perplexed by this world, but I have support and I know that God is working in my life which will allow me to help others hopefully.

i’m alive because of the little things. seeing your plants flower, the dew in the morning, low hanging clouds in the mountains, the smell of warm dirt after it rains, the tingling feeling of your fingers warming up after going numb.

A fear of hurting my mum, sisters and best friend is the biggest factor in me staying. There have been so many times that I've thought - known - they'd be better off without me, but I know they won't see it like that, and will just be hurt. Personal vanity and the hope I can accomplish the projects I've dreamed of finishing also keeps me going.

On most days, staying clean is the hope that I can be used by the Lord in the lives of people who have been through the same thing—that one day I can look at someone and say, “I made it through… you can too.” On the nights I almost relapse, I think of the girls I’m discipling and the witness I have for Christ and wrestle with the effects of one hasty decision—and five years down the drain. The staying alive thing is a little more complicated sometimes. For the most part, it’s because I’ve personally seen the impact of suicide—both in my family and friendships. However, sometimes that’s not good enough. And, as pathetic as it seems, there are times when my cat is the only reason I’m still here. Phteven has super high anxiety, is afraid of most everyone (myself excluded), and is, generally, pretty high maintenance because of all his fears. No one in their right mind would take care of him if I were gone. So, on the darkest nights of my life, I’ve honestly stayed because I think my cat would end up at a shelter, and he would 100% have a heart attack because of the anxiety (which written out sounds really silly, but there ya go.) In general, however, it’s the knowledge of the impact it would have—regardless of how well I perceived to be loved or cared for.

For me the hope of tomorrow, there is always a new day. Ive always been an optimist and even in my darkest moments, hope keeps me grounded. Romans 8:18, Psalm 51:10 & Hebrews 6:19 have been verses that have helped me through to the point i have an anchor tattoo with Steadfast across it.

While some of these may sound dumb, they’ve kept me going all these years: all the books I’ll be able to read some day. all the movies/tv shows/music I’ll get to watch/listen to. All the laughs with my crazy friends. All the laughs with my crazy family. The possibility of road trips and vacations. The possibility of writing a book of my own. Falling in love. Being best friends with my sister. Loving my niece to pieces. Smelling the air after it’s just rained, and/or after the grass has been cut. Seeing the first snowfall every year. Seeing the corn and beans sprouting every spring. Sitting on a porch when I’m old. Having grandchildren to tell all your crazy stories to. And laughing. So much laughing. 😌

my reason to stay alive is my friends. they needed me to keep going, to keep pushing through every dark night. I know just how devastating it would be if one of my plans actually did work. since my dad passed away, every day was getting harder and harder to get through, until eventually i just didn't want to even live for the new morning. it's only been a few months now since the suicidal thoughts and the urge to self harm has left, but I think what got me through the worst of it was the unrelenting support of my friends. they were there for me through every breakdown, every panic attack and every dark thought. I genuinely don't think I'd be here today without their support- their kindness is what kept me going. I've worked hard for three years now on my mental health, I've been going to counselling and seeking support from other people. I've taken self care with open arms and its made such a difference. reaching out for help was so hard but it was so so worth it. I've reached my 18th birthday, a milestone I never thought i could ever achieve- yet here I am proving every horrible thought my brain spews up wrong. I'm so thankful I never gave up, because each day now - while sometimes still a struggle, shows me how the world has a little light bearing through even when things seem to be going shit. my lovely friends, my art and music is what wakes me up every morning and motivates me to sleep at night. life does get better.

In the past it was always my sister and brother. I always kept going and stayed here just so one day I could find them and we could be together. Be a family. I loved them since the moment I met them. Though my sister was only three and didn't speak English at the time only French. Of course I only knew English. My brother was to be born very soon. I was instantly in love. To know that I had them. They were my world. They held me together. Even though for the next 13 years we would not see each other for unfair reasons. Now 22 years later what keeps me here has changed only slightly. My sister and my father are what keep me here. For a very different reason now though. Four years ago my little brother, the one I was just speaking of, was murdered. Along with his girlfriend and her sister. I keep going because right now I can't let my dad suffer the loss of two children. I can't let the sweetest sister in the world lose two siblings. I can't let them down. I have to stay strong. I have to keep going. It's exhausting most days, and it gets harder as time goes on. So I fight back more to keep going because I love them and I know they love me.

I guess for me -- the reason I stayed is because I almost didn't stay, and it was the total grace of God that I'm here. At the time I thought I would have stayed for my family, or my friends, or my future -- but I totally could not see any of that other than the continuous hurt I thought I was inflicting on them. I had a really bad fall semester at my university that led me to eventually take a much needed and helpful medical leave my spring semester;; but the first time that I really almost did it I was breaking down on the top floor of a parking garage at my university, begging that God would actually see me and wanting prayer but not knowing where to go and not wanting to "burden" anyone I knew. As this was happening, this guy walks to the top of the garage and sees me - comes over to where I was sitting, asks if I'm okay and gives me a hug, and asks if he could pray for me (and my university is not even religious at *all*). He literally slept in a booth across from me and stayed with me all night as I finished my homework, and he walked with me to class the next day. In the midst of everything that I was a bit of hope. Towards the very end of the semester, I had seriously made the decision I was going to do it and went about with all what I thought were my parting arrangements -- the next morning when I was going to leave he sends me a text and shows up at my dorm, telling me he was praying for me and wanted to stay with me that day until I left to go back home to Pittsburgh where I'd be for my medical leave. Both of those times I actually didn't see a reason to stay -- but God did. And it took some time for that to really sink in... that God wants me to stay. That he wouldn't let me go. And that has been a massive reason why I stay now. In addition to that, through this healing season I have relearned the beauty of family and friendship, and how much love there actually is surrounding me -- and now, I look around and I appreciate it that much more because it was almsot never there. Knowing that God never gave up and there *actually was* soooooo much love and life on the other side of this that I was convinced I would never see gives me so much hope to keep holding on and to not listen to the lies that there is no good for me or my future. I don't want to live my life out of guilt or fear of what will happen to me or my friends/family after I'm gone -- but I guess that is a part of it, seeing many friends die from preventable causes and the damage it does puts things into perspective. But I'd say my main reason for staying is knowing that life really is worth it and precious when I can't see it, because I know what it's like to make it out the other side and understand how tightly God holds onto us when we don't want to even hold on anymore.

I stayed alive because I didn't know there was another option. I was young. I stayed alive because I didn't want my sister to have to live as someone with that kind of hole in her life. I stayed alive because there was always some upcoming performance and my company is too small for understudies or alternates. I stayed alive because there was always someone not quite as steady who relied on me to do so. Only now, finally, I can stay alive because I want to.

Reasons I stay alive: the love of the people close to me, and the knowledge that with age we get better. Anxieties lessen and dissipate, confidence grows, skills develop and things generally become clearer.

Ive been thinking about this post quite a lot, Haha. Mostly, it’s because I don’t want to give up. I want to prove to myself and my loved ones that I’m so much stronger than I think I am and I’d like to show the bullies of my past that I’m stronger than they think. Also, my family and friends and boyfriend keep me here. There’s so much see in the future, and I sometimes just... hold on to that. I lost touch with one of my best friends for years and I’m just too glad to have her back in my life since last year and I know (haha this sounds selfish I guess, but she told me haha) that she’s so glad about it as well. There’s so many things I want to achieve and things to see. I mean - about three weeks ago, said best friend and I met our childhood hero and I just kept thinking “man, I’m so glad I stayed”.

it’s on my blog too x and twitter