#ive only got one in person class
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why do i always get a cold right before the start of a semester
#anyways school on monday#ive only got one in person class#but it is on the same day for my ice skating class#so monday will be incredibly exhausting this month#but hey i saw a different doctor who was much nicer and understanding and so now i have adhd medicine#and we are getting other important stuff figured out too#this semester is full of a lot of important things so its spooky scary but exciting#ive got a fashion show and a ice skating recital and graduation and trips and gosh so much#but im excited and its a fun way to end this section of my life
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click for better quality!
requests from twitter ^_^
adderfang, goosefeather, dawnpelt
crowfeather, heathertail, frostpaw, sandynose
#my art#adderfang#goosefeather#crowfeather#frostpaw#sandynose#heathertail#dawnpelt#warriors#warrior cats#waca#wc art#STRUGGLED TO POST THIS ON TWITTER LMFAO said id only do six and then i realized i accidentally skipped over someones request and i did two#cats per one person which i didnt want to do but then i didnt want to not post one of the cats . whole thing but everyone got at least one#request BAHAHA#and then i kept posting and deleting to mess with the line up and bleghhhhhhhh#been almost a month since ive drawn non lps warrior cats and it feels like its been so long since ive done casual art#which is what this was AHBKSDHFBD . college is going fine for anyone curious. doing very well in one of my classes which makes me really#happy and the professor and i joke about how hard i am on myself and how im my own worst critic and at the end of the day the things i do#are AT THE VERY LEAST decent lmao#anyway i turn 20 this weekend which is very weird . but im just glad i have a weekend birthday HAHA#ANYWAY hope you guys are doing well <:-D#I ALSO WANNA POINT OUT HOW EXCITED I GOT WHEN I REALIZED THAT ADDER AND DAWN ARE RELATED#adderfang > leopardfoot > tigerstar > tawnypelt > dawnpelt#LIKE THATS HER GREAT GREAT GRANDPA#anyway im going to bed its almost midnight [but thank god i dont have class til the afternoon]
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Best thing about being a Scooby Doo fan: you can meet some of the nicest people with some really cool ideas and hcs, there's such an abiding love for the franchise, which on its own is just AMAZING, such a wealth of content to dive into, and I haven't even gotten into the fan REDESIGNS and aus and-
Worst thing about being a Scooby Doo fan: people irl in public will come up to you with some of the worst Scooby takes ever (Scrappy found dead in Miami, SDMI revolutionized animation, etc.) and you have to restrain yourself from getting into a fistfight with some rando acquaintance/friend-of-a-friend in public ALL THE TIME 💀
#THERES NO WAY THIS ONLY HAPPENS TO ME RIGHT#its constanttttt ughhhh#james gunn i fucking hate you this is all your fault 🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡#not the sdmi stuff but the REST#there should be a jail sentence for scooby crimes i SWEAR#also this one dude today UGHHHHHHHU#ive never even seen him before (apparently hes been in my math class this year?) but with all the seniors gone (save me bc i love a party)#there was like 5 ppl in math today (4 of them good friends of mine) and this dude would NOT let up with the scrappy sucks sdmi is awesome bs#like i was just like no i disagree with you every time he brought it up but like UGH.#i think scrappy got a bad lot and deserves a chance to be the best he can be and sdmi is personally unwatchable to me because of how mean#they are to each other/the relationship drama plots. whats not to get we dont need to keep hashing this#i didn't make it a big thing though bc i didn’t want to start stuff but ugh#the only ppl allowed to make fun of scrappy around me are my besties and even theyre on thin ice so like watch it bub#blah#scooby doo
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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not having any friends or being in any clubs is so funny sometimes actually. my english professor is asking us to discuss discourse communities we're in (basically just groups where communication happens to promote a shared goal) AND a communication artifact (a visible way in which the group interacts) and i dont know how to be like hey. i dont have any of those. literally going to get a failing grade for not having friends.
#PLEASE dont give me advice by the way im just venting#i might have to do like one of my other classes but all the communication happens in person so ive got nothing to show for it#or like the few online group chats im a part of but i dont know how comfortable i am sharing something that private#do i need to get into religion or something is that going to be the easiest way to meet people#or the qsa i guess but ive only gone to like two things for it. i could do like. a fanbase or something i guess????#but that embarrassing and also really really disparate.#dont do this to meeee im already embarrassed by not having a lot of connections. maybe i can do my old choir n stuff.
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i had such a cool dream i want to remember so bad but it's already so distant im aa,, REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!
#it was like a world where we had to stay in this building and everything outside was a wreck and there were monsters out there#but the monsters were like . people who used to be with us#and they could jump and do all kinds of shit and also there was like this toxic spill area that healed them#which i only found out after i got sent out there#because . i was a part of this group in like a school setting and if you did something wrong or u messed up you wouldnt get this like.#thing which i cant remember but it was something only the guy in charge could give you which would make the monsters not care about you#it made u like immune to becoming one too i think#and everyday it was stressful and then i think some guy messed w me and i got removed from the class#and then sent out (along w another group)#but also theyd like try and break into the windows even of the apartment building#which also was very cool#the whole thing was like kinda faling apart but filled w stuff n decorated#u could tell they collected things#overall the vibe was just so fuckn MWAH#also there was a part where we had 2 fight the creatures and we hid in like an old home depot#and had to run and jump and shit on the big shelves but it was fuckn scary because those monsters were really good at jumping and climbing#like it was right behind u at all times#and all i had was a pipe#also for some reason the guy in charge was giancarlo esposito#no one else in the dream was an actual person ive never had just like. an actor be in my dream before HBJAHBJ#i think it's because ive been rewatching the boys again#but also there was a lady who ran out after her daughter who was with us and was like begging him to give her the thing that made u immune#i think it was also his daughter#and he was like no i cant#i cant do it unless she proves herself those are the rules they come before me#and then she got snatched away by the monsters#it sounds very boring when i write it out like this but i am just trying to remember HBJAHJB... it was so cool in actuality
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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.
#abuse tw#its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me#despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have#influenced what they were saying i am like#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one#idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy#all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa#something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno#you KNOW what happened was right#you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da#<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed#and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here#i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point#anything is going to help#5 years of my life 5 years#ive heard what feels like fucking everything#i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin#times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat#-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable#in this sort of position
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tummy hurt disorder
#idk why im taking so many hard classes at the same time rn i literally could have just . not done that#i have absolutely 0 reason to graduate so early other than my school not having great electives to pad my schedule with#but now ive got my brain set on it . so if i extend my graduation out to only graduate...one year early it will be like . a personal failur#girlies i think i need therapy (will not do anything about it)#i wanna make art and work on my fic so baddd but i have like 13 assignments due in the next week .#5 of which are like a week overdue#literally kill me
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...
#christ. so i was selected as the top candidate for the program i interviewed with on Friday#and im very annoyed and very pleased and also annoyed that im pleased#im pleased bc it means that they were impressed with what ive done to this point and they think i communicate well. which is cool#and the project is very very cool and id love to work on it#am annoyed bc this does put pressure on me to accept bc they can only put one student forward so if i dip out then thats it for them#which i find extremely stressful. and everything is just so much more complicated if i go to the uk for a phd#and i dont get the luxury of faffing about and taking a bunch of classes like i could in the us. ugh but it would b so cool to go back to#the uk and i wouldn't have to fucking drive. ugh. this project.#ugh its like my boss said#sometimes the project is more worth it than the school. id have crazy cool opportunities to learn things on this project#but at the cost of taking a lot of classes in the us. but every project is what u make of it#but im so fucking dyslexic thst its hard to learn outside a classroom bc i cant concentrate and i dont have a person talking me thru the#info. so idk idk. hopefully when i visit the other school ill kno how i feel#god but i loved living in the uk. and i could travel so much more freely there bc the trains and all that. im so fucking restricted bc im#so terrified of driving. i dont have good reaction speed and i space out too much and i get intrusive thoughts#sigh... but id be a whole 24hrs of travel away from my family instead of the 10hrs thst i am now#so id probably only get to see them once a year maybe? in contrast to 2 or 3 times#and im just worried something terrible will happen and then ill be like fuck i wasted all my time making myself miserable so far away#idk. im so tired. we had like a mile abd a half hike out to a site one way and we left at 7.30 got back at like 4#it was a long fucking day. and im tried. and i have no filter. and when i talk too much it really annoys me#also! i got confirmation that i fucking suck at recording data. wow im so shocked. its basically designed for me to be terrible at#but its still slightly embarrassing. like srry i fucked up ur data. i cant write words correctly#literally i kept writing my Ls upside down today. why? idk that not how i see them. my brain just cant make Language right lol#whatever. my parents r calling tomorrow and i can info dump at them abt my dyslexia knowledge and my academic knowledge of biblical history#bc instead of listening to anything useful to my job. i choose to listen to lectures on neurology and theology. bc fucking idk#its interesting im relearning my bible lore from a non religious perspective. theology is fucking fascinating. ugh anyway#i shoulf sleep im so fucking tried#unrelated
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my tumblr bios a liar im fucking 25
(no one believes me irl cuz im 4'11 & im visibly autistic)
#actually autistic#25 years old#“whats visibily autistic” I mean everyone ive ever come out to about my autism immediately just tells me it makes sense#i also carry my si's with me in various ways i got a scooby doo bag & lunch box#and i use stim toys or im drawing on myself when ppl talk to me & rarely make eye contact and i say socially in appropriate stuff constantly#I had to hold myself back from bragging about going to a historic cemetery while ppl were talking about their summer#no one wants to hear that its fucking weird#my friends do actually and i love them for it#shout out to ronan whos getting me a frankiestien doll that comes with a camera so i can pose her taking pics of graves just like i do#but strangers that work in the specialized learning (special education) sect of the school system?#no their gonna think im a little freak#i know that cuz two different ppl that interviewed me were weird when i told them the only diapers ive changed were on ppl that didnt move#IM SORRY BUT THERES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHANGING A DIAPER FOR A DECEASED PERSON AND A CHILD#YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT EXPERIENCE I HAVE#but no mention uve only changed diapers in an embalming class & suddenly ur a lil weirdo
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Why is it that when I'm sick, finishing work late because a load of people didn't show up and ongoing work drama, stressed about my upcoming essay and still have a hour walk before I can get home, my dad is apparently kicking off and threatening to kick me out when I'm not even there??
#ace is a mess#+Extra#personal#apparently hes kicking off about the fact i 'chose to pay off my loan' which isnt true i didnt get any tuition loan this year so i have to#pay it out of pocket and unlike some students i absolutely will not be receiving any financial support to do so so im working to pay it off#and hes apparently fuming about it and is bringing up the fact i owe him money cus when i asked for a nee laptop for Christmas for uni#and repeatedly specified that i just wanted the cheapest most basic option possible and even found several under the budget for gifts#my dad decided to get a more expensive one with a bigger screen which is not what i asked for or needed!! a bigger screen makes it#ten times more cumbersome to take to class for notes and assignments and ive ended up still having to borrow uni laptops regardless all#cus hes got some ongoing issue about me having my own finances & not being financially dependent on him so he keeps making a point about it#hes so transparent that its all a fcking control thing as it has been since i chose what i wanted to do at college and he didnt approve#and i didnt change it and stuck with it regardless because my career plans have nothing to do with him honestly#btching that if i can afford to pay off my loans i can afford to pay him back which i cant! i cant afford my tuition thats why im staying#over summer to keep working so i can pay off my debt im not paying it off i never had it im in debt! and if i dont pay it i wont be able#to continue with uni whereas he technically still owes me 2k he can be fcking patient about his money which i knew this was gonna happen#when he kept insisting there might not be cheap options available despite me finding multiple 🙄#you know i get asked a lot why ive ended up at unis so far north when im from the south and its like i had to get away being half a days#drive away is the only way for my parents to physically leave me alone theyll still hound my phone but thats what airplane mode is for
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the way that my affirmations rn are literally just “you only need to get a 40% to pass the class 💆🏼♀️”
#personal#the engineering chronicles#i am so so scared for it we did a practice final last week that was extremely suspiciously easy so i reached out to someone who took the#final today asking if his had aux views and/or tolerance stack analysis (neither of which were on mine) and he said yes and also that he ran#out of time to finish one of his drawings so. AAAAA#*on my practice final#the thing is i got comparatively great grades on both the assignments for those topics (100% and 90% respectively and the 90% was bc the#professor i went to for help in office hours told me to negate all my values when my original values were actually the correct ones smh) BUT#they were the most time consuming assignments of the semester and also both required hawk-eyed attention to detail that had me redoing and#editing so much to get the correct answers like i won’t have time for that on the final 😭😭 especially if they’re BOTH on it which is likely#the midterm was hell on earth and everyone basically failed it i don’t even want to think abt this…#i have just over an 87% rn so im under no illusions that i will be keeping my b+ let alone moving up to an a-. to end w a b i can get as low#as 74% on the final which is….possible. but im not banking on it.#to end w a b- i can get as low as a 64% which is what im hoping i can achieve wrdjfjf 😭#it’s only a 1 credit class so it’s not like it’s the end of the world or my gpa if i get that or even a c#lvl 100 1 credit engineering classes here are hellish idk why. you’re probably thinking leigh if you are struggling this much at that level#that may be a sign but no bc ive also taken/am taking multi credit and/or lvl 200 engineering classes and they are soo much better. at least#thus far#plus stats and calc are both multi level and above lvl 100 and they’re both fine i have developed a lot of respect for them actually even#a good amount of curiosity and enjoyment. it’s just the lvl 100 1 credit engineering classes what is up w them#*multi credit not multi level lol
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i did end up going to the library yesterday! :) it was a lovely walk and i ended up fixing my card too so i was able to actually get books ^_^ i woke up in a CONSIDERABLE amount of pain earlier but was able to sleep most of it off and even then i think it was worth it.
#if i walk BACK on my own ill have to be wiser about just how many things i get and can take back home#but physical pain aside that was the best ive felt in a long time i think...#i do have so. so SO much i have to do before saturday arrives now but its okay...#OH actually fun fact i started cooking chili before setting out and the way i timed it i got home just in time for it to be done cooking#a wonderful stroke of luck. it really worked out very well for me!#i also went up to the nonfiction section and one of the workers was the only other person wearing a mask#and we saw each other and waved as enthusiastically as if we were two friends in different classes passing in the halls#hopefully i can go again soon and maybe going more will be like...i never know if its endurance building or just damaging#but theres time to find out i suppose. well anyway now i must work
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ihave always my entire life thought that the teenager gets a crush and either a. is mean to them or b. avoids them entirely trope was soooo stupid and idiotic and unrealisticbut then i think someone is cute and i become a simple idiotic stupid teenager who is mean and avoidant bc i dont know how to deal with it . ☹️
#OOPS.#year two: electric boogaloo#last year there was this senior i totally missed the chance to even be friends with 😔💔#once again ive only got ONE CLASS with this dude and we sit on OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM.#but i will TALK TO HIM! im determined. i will talk to him#HEY i looked right at him when the teacher said 'if you wanna join the speech & debate team come up im gonna talk about it' and HE WENT UP#so if he does join👉️👈️#FIRST THOUGH Ineed to send him to the board of trustees(ask my friends if they know him and if he Actually Is A Terrible Person Actually)#lawl#IM NORMAL#okaysendpost#cowboy posts
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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.........
#so i managed to pass my skills test but my teacher still managed to fucking suck 🙃#she asked for clinical date preferences last week and i sent in my email of the dates pretty much immediately#by 12am that night#and at the start of class she said she was missing emails from people / they weren't even aware of it#she said she probably got 5 emails#so i assumed i was good bec when u send an email and follow her annoying tag line (learned from experience) u expect her to have received#and opened it#🫠 she did not#it was the end of class when she said im doing weekends / if im available bec theres no more weekday spots open#and that I DIDNT SEND AN EMAIL 👹#to which i pulled it up plus the date and time stamp and suddenly she located my email 🙄#i dont even think she apologized just said im still set for the weekend dates#which sucks because 1. i send my email early and followed the rules 2. i showed evidence of it 😭 and 3. my mom and i were going to drive to#saint louis over the weekend for a conference she wanted to attend 😭😭#she's fine with it but ughhhhhh#ive angry cried a total of 3-5 times over the course of 2 months from this instructors bullshit#sent*#on the bright side shes not my clinical instructor so today was probably the last day i had to deal with her in person#its not even about the dates it's about the principle 😭😭😭 read your fucking emailsss#even when she reads them she manages to miss the point / question and bitch over shit i wasn't asking#its extra annoying given that I was the only one to already have paid for the clinical course 🫠 everyone else was unaware that we#had to pay again
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