#ive not had to make a new beloved tag in a bit this is exciting

[majorproblems77]

Four. By Hylia do Four. Honestly I don't have many ideas for an actual prompt but since I saw that you love Sky, maybe Four looking up to Sky (since he's the hero right after him) and Sky feeling guilty for the curse and the like. Or could be them bonding over it if you want it to be fluffy lol

(this was fun, and good practice for me, I dont write four very often! But this was fun!)

Link It was amazing to hear from you, It calms my soul to know that you are in good company on your quest this time. As for what you've told me, It surprised me to learn that you are travelling with the Skyloftian hero of legend himself. I did a little digging for you and from what Zelda tells me The skyloftian hero was a kind-hearted man who put others before himself in every way.

I understand your concerns, but Sky seems the type to air your concerns too. He doesn't seem the type to not be observant and if you've been avoiding the conversation for long enough he's probably taken note by now. He might even try to speak to you himself. Remember link you're a hero too, and im sure he knows that and trusts you. But your inner thoughts seem to be fighting again. Maybe you should ask your brothers in mind to talk it out for you. Maybe ask him if you can hold that sword you keep telling me about. I've still not found out how exactly he forged that thing with no equipment to speak off but my search continues.

Just keep that in mind. Write soon Grandpa

"Hey four! You got a letter from home again?" Wind bounded over to the smithy as he put the letter back in his bag. Musing over its contents.

"I did, i asked my grandpa for some advice." He said softly, smiling at his bag before facing the sailor. "How can I help you, sailor?"

"Sky's been asking for you. Not sure why, he's doing his 'just do it but nicely' voice again." The sailor sat beside him. "Probably to spar with him. I know pretty much everyone else has by this point."

"I'll go and see him."

Grandpa was right...

"Thanks, smithy!" The sailor shouted as he ran off towards the captain.

He walked through the camp, smiling to the others as he looked to Time expectantly. the man shrugged his shoulders and pointed to a gap in the trees to the other clearing they'd made into another part of camp.

"Sky?"

"Hey, four!" The skyloftian smiled, and picked up a training sword.

"Wind said you were looking for me?" He questioned, crossing his arms as he looked to the skyloftian.

"Yes..." The skyloftian paused, looking behind the smith before smiling again.

'That was weird...'

"Fancy a spar!" He waved the sword in his hand, before throwing it towards the smith. It landed on the ground with a clatter.

"Sure." He looked to the sword on the ground as Sky picked up his own weapon. "Any particular reason Sky?"

"No." He rolled the sword through his hand. "you're the only one I've not had the chance to spar with yet."

A chance to spar with Sky is an opportunity we shouldn't pass up!

"That sounds like fun."

You know he's only doing this to test how good you are. It's the logical choice unless he needs to speak to us.

"Great!" The skyloftian readed his training sword holding it across his body in a defensive stance. "Okay. So I'll maintain a defence, if you try to break through it we can see..."

Why's he doing this in the first place? Does he not think we can do anything?

Sky's seen us fight plenty of times. It dosent make any sense.

Unless he wants us to get in close.

He wants to talk to us. But doesn't know how to approach

We aren't exactly the easiest person to approach.

"Four?" The skyloftains question broke through his inner turmoil. As he blinked back to reality.

"Oh yes!" Focus link... "Ready when you are."

The skyloftian raised his sword, sitting in a defensive stance again.

This is highly irregular.

You think he's still on that conversation we had the other night?

The timeline talk?

Where we very much looked upset that we were second on the list.

Sky's direct successor...

You think we make him proud?

"Four?" Nothing. "Smithy?"

"Link!"

"Im here. Im here." Stupid overthinking. "I'm good."

"If you're not up for it I can ask Wars to spar instead." The skyloftian placed his sword down. "Everything okay?" He approached and sat on the ground. Patting the grass beside him in an invitation to sit down.

"I'm fine Sky." Now isn't the time to make him think you are anything less. He sat beside the skyloftian loth of them looking to the sky above them.

"Okay well now your lying to me." Sky didn't look at him, his eyes tracing a cloud that swam laizly across the sky.

"Im not."

"What is it really?"

"I..."

"I noticed you've been avoiding speaking to me directly. Where you can speak to the rancher easily. Or even the captain, or Hyrule." He sat up, pulling his knees to his chest.

HE KNOWS?

"Did I do something?" The skyloftian asked, his eyes searching for any sense of an answer for the smith.

Sky feel's bad? Why does Sky feel bad?

"You've not done anything directly."

"Then me being here then." The Skyloftian thought back. "You've only been avoiding me since..." Realisation shined in his eyes as he visibly deflated. "Oh..."

That was not the reaction i was expecting

Wait, sky looks sad. Sky looks so sad!

His eyes! Did you see that?

"The only explanation is that now you know where we fall in the timeline. You wish it wasn't me before you."

Where did he get that idea from?

"What? Sky?"

"Or you're ashamed."

"Sky... Sk im not ashamed of you, I. Oh god."

I wish we'd split. I'll give him the talk he needs.

You are the last person I would send into this

And what's that meant to mean?!

"Im sorry. Im sorry I failed to stop the darkness and that you had to live the life you have." The skyloftian looked away, gripping the corners of his sailcloth as he took a steadying breath.

What?

Sky dont say that!

"Sky. My life as a hero has been eventful yeah. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I dont think any of us would."

"But you've gone through so much pain, lost loved ones. Lost friends." He gripped his hand. Covering the back of his right hand with his left.

"If he was here my friend would slap you."

I miss him.

"I've been avoiding you... yeah. But not because of that."

"Then why?"

Come on! We can do this!

Sky is the kindest of us, if anyone gets it it's him

He took a breath before looking the skyloftain square in the face. "Because. I look up to you. I have my whole life."

"What?" The skyloftian sounded genuinely shocked to hear this. His face swam with a mix of emotions.

"The hero of Sun, or the hero of skyloftian legend. is a story that people in my time read to their young before they go to bed." He fiddled through his bag. "I dont have a copy on me now, but Ill ask my grandpa to send me a copy with his next letter."

"It is?" Sky asked. "I'm a story?"

"Yes. It tells of a man from the clouds clad in green chosen by the gods to save the world. He broke a path through the sky itself to defeat a rising evil so dark it would shroud the world in darkness forever." He sighed. "When you told us about your journey, I discovered that I was the only one to know of your legends like that..."

"You figured your place."

"I did."

"So, you're a successor that can't have come much after me. A few generations at most."

"I think so."

They sat in silence for a moment before Sky shifted again, placing his hands behind him as he looked skyward again. "When you get that book from your grandpa, I'd like to read it if that's okay. I'd like to see how history remembered me."

"If we make it to my time you can ask Zelda, I know she's done a lot of research into the hero of old."

Sky gave a laugh as he stood, offering a hand to the smith. "Come on, we should get back."

"Sure thing." He smiled, taking the offered hand and standing. "We should 'spar' more. Helps quiet the thoughts."

"I can agree with you there."

[sojutrait]

its a long one lads

( @aomi-nabi ) THANK U AAAAAAAAA ur asks always make my day omg 😭😭❤❤❤

THE WALK WITH ME IS SENDING ME KFKJFDGFGK so far we’ve also canonized him death dropping so i can really see his ass doing both-

nothings going on dw ive just been busy dkfjdfk 😭😭

TYYYY RIGHT BACK AT U MWAHH

( @deathbypufferfish ) death by pufferfish . com 

( @astralsi ) I CAME BACK JUST FOR U MAMA MWAAAHHH 🤧��❤❤❤

( @lava-nder ) ngl my sims rarely even interact with townies made by the game kfgjfk 😭😭 if i do notice my sim getting close to a townie (.ie nadine or josh) THEN i’ll give them a makeover, but other than that i just ignore them or put in my own townies kdfjk as for lots, i just build my own or place down any new ones once i realize ive been to a lot too many times and want to switch it up

GATIA BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REAL i love oshin sm omg, been with her since her get famous lp 😌

( @lake-lunvik ) YOU ARE SUCH A HORNDOG LIO SDJFKDFJKF

HELPPPFKFDK im not surprised, during homelandertrait halloween takeover i was ready to lose some followers 😭😭😭

( @mmusicalwhims ) thank u so much !! 🤧❤❤❤❤ i should bring back that username tbh it was kinda iconic KDFJKFD

( @wildmeadowsims ) (link) AAAAAAA I SAW im not really a concert person but im excited to see everyones recording of it dkfjfkfkg and i heard she was adding more international dates eventuallly so fingers crossed !!!

ive never had that problem god bless KFDJK but i think u can turn off auto mean interactions with mcc so theres a temporary solution 

the randomize button is my beloved 

THIS ASK MADE ME GET OFF MY ASS AND FINALLY ORDER A MIC SO SOON IF I DONT PUSSY OUT DKJFKGF

( @velvet-disc ) TYYYY take them, they’re too much for me to handle anyways 🗿

( @25dejulho ) it depends on the save, but usually i start in another simmers save (my faves are ratboysims and simlicys), either build a house or find a shell off the gallery and decorate it myself, make a fam, then make some townies, give them all skills, careers, etc. just so theyre not like- newborns THEN start playing dkfjk its hella overkill and takes hours but thats how i do it 😭😭😭 tbh u dont even gotta do all that, u can just start in the aforementioned saves by other simmers and start ur own sims from scratch dkfjfgkj

( @catladyfinds ) hi!! i try to keep my cheating pretty minimal, but theres no like- hard fast rules i do. i never cheat money just bc i think its boring for my sims to be hella rich skfjkgfgk but at the same time, if they have to pee and the toilet is 3 stories up then ill just say fuck it and cheat it 😭😭 so my rule is pretty much, quick lil cheating of needs is fine, but nothing that would make the game too easy or unrealistic 

currently its cas and gameplay! but im hoping to get bit by the building bug again bc i have some ideas dkffkfg

aaahhh, idk really i get hella attached to 90% of the sims i make instantly 😭

( @chlosimly ) TYYYYY 😭😭😭❤❤ its all the cc makers not me KFDJKF

(referring to the non-canon halabi death i overruled) SEE its so depressing and dark i dont even wanna say it 😭😭😭 ITS OKAY, THAT TIMELINE NEVER HAPPENED I INTERVENED 

see i take offense to this bc the charm family is ugly as hell 🥴🥴

thank you!!! 😭😭❤❤❤

HELP i dont want to be too annoying so i try to keep the soju shut up posts to a minimum but im glad u like them 😭😭❤❤ im a chronic complainer so theres more where that came from dkfkff

i didnt wanna use her last name in the tag in case she got married and changed it 😭😭 same kinda with her first name, lord knows i cant resist family gameplay so i wanted something that could still work if i ever post from her future kids pov!

THE WAY THAT POST IS STILL FLAGGED TOO UGHHH

( @starterflowers​ ) thank u so much !! i also think hes pretty awesome kfdkfgk u have a great day/night as well ! 💕💕💕

*jumps then falls flat on my ass*

in theory 😌

REAL i need him as an actual tangible person i can slap around (affectionately) 

i dont think its a specific part, more so just trying to make someone who doesnt look bland 😭😭 if a sim is too cookie cutter ik i wont feel any emotion for them kfkgfk

i actually liked how evermore/folklore had no hype! the surprise made the whole thing more special, like i lookback at those releases fondly dkjfkd now- yeah she def overhyped midnights 🗿🗿🥴🥴 this roll out has been so lackluster and so help me god if we get another anti-hero remix im gonna snap 

[fallin-4-ya]

The Follies and Vices of You

cedric diggory x reader- part ii of series 

based off the novel and film ‘Pride and Prejudice’ by Jane Austen

summary: Being the beloved sister of the incredibly wealthy Mr. Potter, you felt no need to rush into marriage. But one day, when you come to meet a new acquaintance, the proud Mr. Diggory, your views of love and follies change.

warnings: none! (gif is not mine, credit to owner!)

part i, part ii, part iii, part iv, part v

‘Maybe it’s that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.’ -Jane Austen 

With the arrival of fall, so came the arrival of new companions. Mr. Draco Malfoy, a cousin of your Godfather, came to stay with you and your family at the estate; due to the management of Malfoy Manor, after the passing of his father. These manners having to be settled with Mr. Sirius Black, you had grown quite acquainted to each other over the autumn months.

While with each passing day, came new agreements and new events that had to be attended to; there was just one that you impatiently waited for, the Winter Ball. It was a marvelous party held by the Weasley Family, and was an invitation only event ensuring that only anybody who was anyone could attend. It was rather a charming way of making new friends.

One day, dining with your family and Mr. Malfoy, you received the invitation to the Winter Ball. Unable to hold back excitement, you eagerly stated, ‘Oh, look! Our invitation has finally arrived! Miss Ginerva and I have been at an utmost excitement for this event. Mr. Malfoy, you will come won’t you? There is music and dancing with such a marvelous atmosphere. It really is such a great way to make new friends!’

‘Miss Y/N, nothing would exhilarate me more than attending a wonderful party with wonderful people.’ Mr. Malfoy replied.

‘Splendid! As though I do wish the dreaded Mr. Diggory would not come and spoil the evening-‘

‘Mr. Diggory did you say, Miss Y/N? I haven’t known him to be in this part of the country.’

‘Why yes! He has been a resident at the Weasley Estate since the summer, doing business with Mr. Fred and George. Its unknown when he will be finished. Mr. Malfoy, pardon my asking, do you know of Mr. Diggory?’

‘Yes, my father and his were very closely acquainted. They did much business together when we were children. Mr. Diggory and I were very close friends growing up. He borrowed some money from us, quite some time ago before he inherited his fortune. However, he was unable to pay us back in a timely fashion. We had a falling out quite some time after that.’

You sunk into your seat a bit. Mr. Diggory, a man fed by pride, not abide by the rules of business, you questioned to yourself. Strange, the carelessness of men.

The next day you were expected to attend afternoon tea with Miss Ginny. Taking the pleasure of welcoming yourself into their home you went to the parlor, where tea was normally served. But rather than seeing Miss Ginny, you walked in on a reading Mr. Diggory. He caught your eye and immediately stood awkwardly, ‘Miss Y/N, what a surprise. How are you this day?’ he managed to stammer out.

‘Mr. Diggory, very well. Thank you, may I ask you the same?’

‘Fine, thank you.’ He replied. You both stood not exactly knowing what to say to each other, tensions were rising and words did not come easy.’

‘Er- Mr. Diggory, where may I find Miss Ginerva?’

‘Oh yes. She’s in the dining room. Fine seeing you, Miss Y/N.’

You nodded quietly and left the room, heading for the kitchens. I don’t think I will ever understand the brains of men, you told yourself.

The afternoon went by rather quickly, as you chatted with such a gracious friend; and you could not but help to tell Miss Ginny about the information you found out the previous night.

‘Did you know, Ginny, that Mr. Diggory had relations with my Godfather’s cousin, Mr. Draco Malfoy. A very handsome young fellow. Apparently, Diggory borrowed money from him some time ago and never paid the poor family back. Very questionable if you ask me.’

‘Very questionable indeed.’ Pondered Miss Ginny, ‘Perhaps, you also ought to know as well that Mr. Diggory had a late sister. She was very young when she passed, just shy of fourteen. I heard it was an illness that struck her.’

‘Really!’ you said shocked, ‘A Miss Diggory! How very unfortunate. How sad as well.’

You thanked Miss Ginny for the tea and began to head home. Mr. Diggory was perhaps the strangest character you were to meet.

The ball at Weasley Estate came much faster than anticipated. After dressing in a beautiful silky, white gown and having your hair twisted and plaited into an updo, it was time to go. The general splendor of the ball was much greater than it seemed to be in years prior. The entire ballroom was adorned in gold decorations, and a beautiful orchestra played in the ballroom while numerous couples were dancing in the center. You quickly found your friend Ginny. Between chatting away with her and dancing with the company of Mr. Malfoy and your Godfather, you were having the most wonderful time. While walking through the corridors, arm in arm with Miss Ginny, you were met by the tall, handsome figure of Mr. Diggory.

‘Miss Y/N.’

‘Mr. Diggory.’ You bowed.

‘May I have the next dance?’ he said staright faced.

‘You may.’ You both bowed and you and Ginny scurried to the nearest empty hallway.

‘Did Mr. Diggory just ask me to dance?’ Ginny nodded, ‘And did I say yes?’ Ginny nodded even more excitedly, ‘Well, isn’t that convenient, considering I vowed to detest him for the whole of my life.’ You both broke out into a fit of giggles.

You soon found yourself face to face with Mr. Diggory in the ballroom. The orchestra began playing and the dancing started. ‘Beautiful evening. I must urge you that I’ve never seen a ball be more mesmerizing.’ You observed to start conversation.

‘Indeed. Though I have seen more impressive in my days.’

‘You are quite difficult to please, Mr. Diggory, even more so to make out.’

‘May I ask, Miss Y/N, what you are to mean by that. Or should I expect you to keep your motives most secretive.’ He steadily responded.

‘Nothing of the sort. Just that I find it excruciatingly difficult to make out your character. As while your stature is nothing short of grand, I cannot help but to hear such terrible things about your demeanor.’ You said as you both graciously danced your way across the marble.

‘Perhaps, Miss Y/N, you are to consider that I find it rather difficult to forgive the follies and vices of others.’

‘I fear that I am in no position to mock you for that, Mr. Diggory. But I do ponder over the question as to why so many people think you as proud.’

’’It may do you well to ask yourself why others can be the most quick judge of character without fully knowing what lies beneath their outward appearance. I shall pose another question for you ponder over, said being, why when one has pride, it gives the permission for others to be prejudice towards them?’ After a mere moment of silence between the pair, the dance music came to an end.

‘Oh, and Miss Y/N. Perhaps you are right in saying dancing is a most valuable way to make new friends.’

 You turned your cheek and could not help but to feel your lips tug to a smile. Mr. Diggory was a most interesting character indeed.

(end of part twoooo! hope you guys like it. part 3 will be posted shortly! chat with you all soon!)

tag list: @freddieweasleyswife @truly-insatiable

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

[mousehole5000]

tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

[capricornus-rex]

Hiii!💖 I hope that you are doing well! I just wanted to request a little something with Cal if you don’t mind or aren’t busy. I just failed an exam and I’m feeling really bad an dumb so uh I guess I would want something to make me feel better. This request sucks lmao I’m sorry, I am in crisis🥺 i’ll stop crying now hahaha you can ignore this ily

Oh no sweetie, I hope you’re doing okay! Sorry if the fic is a day overdue and I couldn’t help but consider this as an emergency—no one gets sad on my watch! ÙωÚ I hope this fic can make you feel better. And no, sweetie, you’re not dumb—YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!! 💖💖💖

I know I’m knee-deep with requests but if someone is sad and relies on me to cheer them up, I can’t simply ignore that~ :”) I hope sooner or later, I’ll hear from you smiling already~ :3

Oh and little fun fact, I took inspiration from your previous profile icon—the one with Rapunzel—and listened to I See The Light while writing this for an extra personal touch *finger guns* 😉 I also referenced a festival that we usually celebrate here in my country UwU

“Festival of Flowers” | Cal Kestis x Reader

Tags: Flower Festival, Inspired by Tangled

Also posted in AO3

Masterlist

Cal noticed that you have been awfully quiet the whole day ever since you two got back from Dathomir. You couldn’t help but keep recalling the moment where you flunked a move that allowed the Nightbrother to strike you with his mace. You feared that you’ve lost your touch, your skill, and grace and lost to someone with a crude fighting style.

Asking you if you’re okay didn’t exactly do much, whenever Cal looked away, you’d go back to skulking; now, you’re whiling away your time reading BD-1’s databank entries uploaded to your datapad at the couch. He pretended to go to the galley, fixed himself a glass of water, and peered over your shoulder and found you reviewing lightsaber combat forms.

He didn’t say anything, he finished his glass and marched back to the cockpit, leaving you in the solace of your privacy. Cal went to the holotable and typed the coordinates of a planet. It was a planet that he had heard from Master Tapal as a child.

“Setting course for…” Cal shushed Greez before he could say the name of the planet out loud. The captain got the hint. “Aggio? Never heard of it.”

“It’s a planet my master told me about, I’ve never been there myself,”

“And we’re going here because?”

“It’s a surprise,” Cal smirked. “For her.”

Cere and the captain exchanged glances as soon as Cal stepped out of the cockpit to join you at the couch. He casually settled himself next to you on the sofa, propping his foot over his knee and slouching his back against the backrest.

“Hey,”

You turned to face him and parroted his greeting.

“What are you up to?”

You stammered, “Oh, um, studying… reading…”

“That’s a new thing I’ve heard from you,”

“I was a bit of a study bug when I was a Padawan whenever Master and I are back at the temple,”

You heard the humming of the ship and saw the flash of blue light through the windshield.

“Where are we headed?”

“Oh, you’ll find out soon enough,” he cooed.

Now that he has piqued your interest, the first phase of his plan is proceeding accordingly. You took his statement with a grain of salt and continued studying. Hours later, you have completed the learning modules of the lightsaber forms from Form I to Form IV—all that time you spent studying and figuring out if one form is compatible to mix with the other was the exact travel time the Mantis needed to get to Cal’s secret planet.

When you felt the suspension bounce against the surface, you put the datapad away and joined Cal by the cockpit. The Mantis landed in a high forest clearing, in the north, a town can be reached with just a short trek. Cal abruptly grabbed you by the hand and dragged you out of the ship, clearly, he was excited to show you everything there is to see about the planet.

You stand at the edge of the small rise of land that overlooks the town. Even in broad daylight, the town radiated a certain kind of brightness around it—as if its aura pooled and then burst for everyone to see.

“Where are we?”

“This is Aggio, it’s a planet that I’ve only heard from Master Tapal, the stories he used to tell me about this planet was something straight out of a fairy tale,”

“Oh?” you cooed, your curiosity obviously more piqued than earlier.

Not once did Cal ever let go of your hand as he brought you into the town. Left and right, colors flooded your vision—the sparkling blue of its lake, the vibrant colors of the flowers that are too many to name, even the most neutral of colors like white and beige pop out just right in the spectrum! All the townsfolk—diverse as they are—were in all sorts of cheer, it was the contagious kind and you can’t help but smile as well.

All of a sudden, you forgot all of your worries drowned by the colors and the music.

Street musicians filled with the air with their instruments, artists joined by children color the streets with paint and chalk, and vendors offered you their trinkets. For each and every thing the two of you pass by, BD-1 was there to scan everything he could get his lenses on.

“Slow down with the scanning, buddy! I don’t want you overworking your processor!”

“Boo! Bee, trill woop!”

“This place is so beautiful,” you gasped. “I’ve never seen anything like it!”

The two of you came across what ought to be the town’s main plaza, you were separated when a group of children tugged you by the hem of your shirt and asked you to join them in painting the road. You drew the Shyyyo Bird and told its story to the children, enamored with the fantastic beast, they decided to draw their own versions of the bird in different sizes and colors.

Meanwhile, an elderly vendor has been noticing Cal fawning over you as you play with the children; he then offered Cal a bright-colored flower and spoke in his native dialect, it was a foreign one that Cal wasn’t fluent in. Luckily, BD-1 was there to translate it word-for-word.

“Give it to the person with whom you share a deep, special connection to,” Cal repeated. “Since when did you have a translator?”

“Bee, woop!”

“[y/n] did that, huh?”

He stared at the flower and then spotted you sitting with the children, continuing to draw pictures on the street, this time you were drawing BD-1 for them and then explained to them what it is. He smiled to himself and the elderly vendor spoke to him again adding more bits to the lore, shortly after, a woman approached the two of them.

“My apologies, my father is not used to Galactic Basic,” said the young woman. “He said that it is in Aggio’s culture, especially during the Pabena Festival, for a lover to give a flower to their beloved. It’s what makes the celebration all the more special—it deepens the lovers’ relationship.”

“I see, I’ve only heard much from someone. I didn’t know about this one until now,”

“I see that you are a traveler, this is my first time seeing you,”

“Frankly, I didn’t know there’d be a festival. I only decided to bring her over,” he returned his attention to you. “Though, I do know that this place was very festive. Please, let me pay for this.”

“No, no need. It’s a gift. My father likes giving them often. Besides, we have enough from this month’s harvest!”

One child walked up to you and tied a ribbon strewn with flowers on your hair. The woman spotted you as she glanced past Cal’s shoulder and she got the hint.

When the parents from the crowd began waving their hands at their children, beckoning them to come to them, they towed you along. The children were so small that you had to lean a bit lower so you could understand them when you’re spoken to.

“It’s time for the parade!” the little boy chirped as his tiny hand held onto your three fingers together, but his mother snatched him up and settled her boy on top of his father’s shoulders.

“I’ll watch it, don’t worry!” you cooed.

You found Cal in the crowd. He showed you the flower that he had been hiding behind his back. It was a pleasant surprise to you, Cal’s heart fluttered when he saw your smile.

Your eyes lit up as you held the flower close to you, “I’ve seen this flower before, but only in pictures at the Jedi Archives. It’s so much more beautiful in person.”

“They said it’s part of their culture to give flowers to their beloved. It gets extra special when they do it during the Pabena Festival,”

“Really? That’s such a beautiful tradition, perhaps the best one I’ve heard by far!”

The entrance of the parade began with a rhapsody of trumpets, drums, and whistles. A chorus of singers marching in the frontline of the band. A column of dancers brandished their colorful costumes and lithe movements on both sides of the marchers.

You held onto the flower as you hooked your arm around Cal’s, the two of you continued to watch the parade until its last segment. When the energy from the town subsided after the performance, Cal decided to be your tour guide and strolled along the town. BD-1 is still having his fill of scanning everything you pass by in the town. The three of you came across a mosaic mural depicting the first dwellers of the planet, possibly hinting how the festival came to be.

You were enjoying your time in Aggio so much that you didn’t realize that it was already dusk. Although the sky was still so clear, hints of golden sunlight began to deepen in color as the sun sank.

Cal leaned closer to your ear, “Come on, there’s another thing I want to show you.”

He led you to the docks by the town’s vast lake and bought a candle fixed in front of a water lily on a pad.

“They said these candles and flowers are offerings to keep the land fertile so they can still grow more crops and flowers,” Cal explained as he inched it closer so he and you hold it on both sides. “And we have to make a wish before we set it out to the water. Ready?”

The glow danced about in your faces as the candlelight flickered.

“Yeah,” you beamed, even in a whisper.

There was brief moment of silence between you and him. He peeped his one eye open and watched you solemnly saying your wish in your mind. It was only a few seconds’ worth and then you’re ready to sail it to the lake. Carefully setting down the lily pad on the water, you and Cal gently push it at the same time so it flows along the current with the others.

You and Cal sat down by the shore, he wrapped his arm around you as the sky began to darken and the candles illuminated the lake. You snuggled close to him with a smile that you can’t seem to take off of your face even if you wanted to.

“This has been the best evening I’ve ever had, Cal,”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Thank you,”

He inched closer to you until your lips met, he shifted in his seat and caressed your face as he locked lips with you. He’s certain that he felt your smile in between kisses, your heart fluttered, goosebumps pelted your skin, and your hand wandered to his cheek. When you pulled away, you kept your gentle hands on his face, nose-to-nose with each other, the two of you exchanged smiles while watching the night drift by the sea of candlelight with your fingers intertwined.

[teashadephoenix]

11 Questions

I got tagged by @pomegranate-belle <3 I'm sorry this took for fucking ever?!!??

I’ll tag @lioness--hart @fox-in-the-library and @whitegodiva if you guys want to do it? And anybody else, obvi <3

1. How long have you been writing?

Actually sitting down to type stories out? Eight years old. I've been making shit up since I could talk. I have it on good authority I am entertaining to listen to.

2. What are the major themes of your current wip(s)? LONG ANSWER

omg I really dont know. I spent several hours over several days banging on this question in my head both in front of the computer and away from it only to come to the horrified realisation that I Don't Know. *gay panic*

I know the things I like to write about. I like to write about free exchange of culture, of mutual respect and fraternity with your fellow humans (which leads to themes of unity, unconditional love not only of people but of the world, and the gray area of what it means to protect those things without giving in to hate, indifference and intolerance. THE GRAY AREA IS WHERE I THRIVE.)

I like to write about intergenerational relationships (which leads to themes of obsolescence, changing of the guard, and how people, in general, not individuals, never really change. Like, there's For a Good Time graffiti on the walls at Pompeii. That is HILARIOUS.)

I write a lot about family, both born and found. (Everybody has a place and everybody is loved.) I write about mental illness and being queer (which all by itself leads to themes of not knowing your place in the world even if you have one. Frequently comes up against the previously mentioned theme)

So yeah. I don't know. My big WIP, the Aalee Rise series, is about a young woman on the cusp of adulthood going out into the world for the first time. It's her idealism vs reality. The other main characters in that cast are all foils re: various facets of societal structure and ideologies. One challenges her idea of government, another her idea of religion. She falls in love, her loyalties to her brother and parents are tested, she makes mistakes, she fights monsters and saves the world. A lot.

tldr; It's my sandbox and I just wanted to build castles in it. I don't really know if the castles will mean anything when I'm done. I hope they do.

3. What do you want people to take away from your story once they’ve read it?

My greatest ambition is that I could ever write a hero as beloved as the heroes I read about growing up, figures that reminds not to give up hope, to get back up when we're down, that the dark times ahead of us will come to pass.

At best, if I've done that, I'll be ecstatic and satisfied.

At worst, as long as you had a good time, if you didn't throw the book across the room in disgust, I'll take it.

4. Would you be excited if people write fanfiction about your wip(s)?

YAAAAS. I would literally never read it because Im terrified of accidentally absorbing someone's ideas and making them my own bc Christ alive that's a legal nightmare, but yes that would make my life.

And you can have my firstborn if you send me fanart.

5. What’s your go-to writing beverage?

Tea. Really strong and sweet. I make a fresh quart each morning and usually go through it by the end of day.

6. Who is your favorite oc? Tell me about them!

OMG ALL OF MY CHILDREN ARE PRECIOUS. (it's Aalee.)

Aalee Dering is the eighteen-year-old protagonist of my Aalee Rise series.  When we meet her in volume one (Worldwalk) she and her twin brother are setting off on their coming-of-age journey around the country. Her people, the Noruahai, have defended humanity for generations from unearthly creatures called asmic, and if she wants to become a licensed Marshal like her famous mother (and wow, she really, really does) she'll have to prove herself on her Worldwalk.

Aalee thinks with her heart first and always. She loves beautiful things, and all things are beautiful to her. She's quick to cry and struggles with anger, as well as distraction; she has trouble keeping focus. Good for getting into trouble. Not so good when it comes to being a responsible adult.

It would probably be easier if she wasn't of two minds on every single decision she has to make. She empathises with everyone, which can be paralysing-- how can she fight someone whose point of view she gets?

7. Do you feel that mistakes are important learning tools in the writing journey?

Mistakes are learning tools of life, darling. In writing they generally aren't the types that will destroy friendships, health, financial status, etc, which means they're generally easier to bounce back from. Unless you commit career suicide in some way...

8. Rank your ocs by their capability in a footchase (either running after or from smth, your choice)

1. Fall from the Aalee Rise series. He's a complicated human. Without getting into the context of the world he's from, he's hard to explain; but the short version is he's half-ghost so he can basically turn himself into the wind.

2. Rosie Frey from Color of the Stars but only when she's a lion. In her human form she's pretty normal.

3. Lynn Blythe (or any of the other vampires) from Echoes of Eden, because they're cheating cheaterfaces who use mystical vampy powers to be stronger and faster than humans

4. Sendmarshal Henley from the Aalee Rise series. Probably the fastest regular human. Imagine the most beautiful, tall, leggy black woman you can, all lean muscle and elegant grace, and now imagine her scooping you up and zipping out of danger with an easy smile on her face... *fans self* I stan.

5. When running headlong into danger to save someone? Aalee Dering. When running away? Frustratingly, satirically slow. She's one of those idiot heroes who stops to make sure everyone got away okay so Fall's always running back to grab her ("MOVE, IDIOT" "But that little old lady--" "FIRE-BREATHING MONSTERS. MOVE.")

9. Does your wip have romance? tell me about it!! if not tell me about a friendship/important relationship in your wip!! MORE LENGTHY BLAH

Relationships are the driving force of my writing. How one loves or is loved by other people, how they relate and engage with others, is how one grows, in real life and in fiction. There are a number of relationships in all my series that I'm fond of for various reasons. (For instance, even though she cannot STAND him, I'm eager af to write Eden and Lynn's relationship in Echoes of Eden because of how complicated it is.)

And as a rule all of my characters are queer or questioning unless otherwise stated, and I ship everybody with basically everybody else, and almost everybody has a love story in their history. (at least, their parents certainly do because I am a gross vile romantic and these fuckers came from somewhere.)

That having been said, for the sake of brevity I'll stick with Aalee Rise and limit myself to the Big Three: Aalee and her brother Elles, Aalee and her best friend Norah, and Aalee and Fall.

FAMILY: Aalee and Elles are twins. Born together and never separated, which stands out in a world where families are broken up by chaotic circumstances and random death on a regular basis. Aalee is easily distracted and has difficulty communicating her thoughts, so she tends to act on impulse; Elles is forever the cool head and the hand grabbing her by the back of the shirt to stop her from walking into danger. And after eighteen years of this... he's tired of it. He loves his sister, but he longs to see the world on his own terms, walk his own path. And Aalee doesn't share that sentiment. Not only doesn't share it, but is blown away when it comes into play. Her partner in crime wants to break away, and she does not take it very well. The first volume (Worldwalk) explores how their relationship suffers, grows, and changes due to this break.

FRIEND: Aalee's best friend of ten years is Norah. They met as little girls in a monster-ravaged town; Norah was entertaining the youngest orphans with a story and Aalee joined in. The pair of them spent a long night keeping civilians from panicking while Marshals battled asmic beyond the walls of the bunker. They exchanged addresses and became penpals over the next few years, since both of their parents travelled and they were rarely in the same place at the same time. That changed suddenly when Norah lost her father. Since then, Norah's family and Aalee's have lived in the same town. Norah is her warm hand in the dark, her shoulder to cry on, the first person she tells any good news. for Norah, Aalee is the only person (at the beginning of the story, anyway) with whom she can be her real whole self. They love each other no matter what.

ROMANCE: And then there's Fall. Aalee meets Fall when she rescues him from being murdered in a back alley-- except, oops, turns out it was a sting operation to catch the killer because he's not actually the helpless filthy vagabond she assumed he was; he's actually a powerful Marshal who was on assignment. Stuck together for various reasons, he becomes a mentor to her on her worldwalk, while she blatantly digs into the mystery of who he is, which turns out to complicate their lives, the lives of their friends and families, randos they happens across, their enemies, and also God's. To say they fall in love with each other is an understatement of cosmic proportions. They choose each other.

10. Do you believe in the advice kill your darlings?

Yeah but I take the advice as intended; which is not, as most assume, kill your fave characters, but to get rid of that which does not work, even if you love it. That pearlescent line of dialogue, or that golden bit of allegory? Doesn't matter how much you love it and how proud of it you are, if it does. not. work. it HAS. TO. GO. (save it in a new file to reread when you feel down and scrap that shit from the main file.)

that said re: killing characters, in my youth I was very much of the George RedRum Martin camp of "KILL THEM ALL" but as Ive gotten older my main focal point has been "What purpose does their death serve?" Death is not the only sacrifice worth writing. So while I am not afraid to kill my characters, I do take the nature of their deaths in the writing very seriously. There has to be a point.

11. Do you prefer plotting or worldbuilding? Why?

WORLDBUILDING MANYEXCLAMATIONPOINTSGOHERE! Plotting is like the maths of writing. It's measurement, it's brickwork, it's demolition when the wall you put up last week is three feet too long and now you have to scrap it and start over. Vital. But not my favorite part.

Worldbuilding is the art. It's the music your OCs hum and the stories that they treasure and the faith that holds them up when the crap you throw at them might tear them down. It's the story behind the jacket they wear and it's the reason they nod to the altar when they enter a place of worship and it's the meaning of their names. It's the magic. How the world works, the little details that make it real to the reader because it's real for your characters, is my favorite part of writing.

[leekycauldron-blog1]

Let’s Pretend

feel free to send requests HERE

Summary:  Pansy spent the entirety of her teenage years pining after her best friend. Draco might have known about this and he might not have but Pansy didn’t care either way. She was blinded by her love for him and he might have taken advantage but again, Pansy didn’t really care. He was her best friend after all.

(a/n: i’m posting this to celebrate 1 THOUSAND followers! holy shit i couldn’t be happier. I want to thank everyone deeply, it makes me sooo happy nd i really really hope people enjoy this because it’s taken me two weeks to write it to the best standard i think i can - for once ive written something im actually proud of hahaha enjoy xx)

Pairing:Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of sex

Wordcount: 7k

i 06/02/1986

They met when they were just five years old, a cold February day where she was wrapped up in a bright pink duffle coat and he a black jacket with a green scarf that covered his neck up to his face, slightly red from the harsh wind even after they’d entered the quiet café.

Pansy had never spoken to a boy before and so she hid behind her mother’s legs as she conversed with who Pansy supposed was the strange boy’s own mother. Pansy heard her mother say there was no need to be shy; Draco was perfectly polite, she’d said. But Pansy wasn’t having any of it. Not even when the boy took a few steps towards her and held out a gloved hand for her to shake.

“I’m Draco, it’s nice to meet you.” He introduces himself in a way that Pansy would have thought of as too sophisticated for his age if she even knew what the word meant at the time. Draco’s hand drops to his side when Pansy refuses to shake it, his brows furrowed as though his small mind can’t comprehend why this girl in the bright pink coat hadn’t wanted to shake his hand.

“Mummy always says not to talk to strangers.” Pansy’s voice is stubborn as she folds her arms across her chest and she watches as Draco chews on his bottom lip as though she’s presented him with a puzzle and he’s trying to solve it. Then his grey eyes light up.

“If we’re friends I’m not a stranger anymore.” He speaks carefully and Pansy thinks maybe boys aren’t that scary because this boy, Draco, is smiling at her. “Do you want to be my friend?” Pansy nods with a giggle, going completely against Draco’s previous formalities as she hugs him abruptly. Children don’t have any perception of personal space and that’s why she hugged him so tight and he hugged her back without a hint of hesitation.

“I’m Pansy. Let’s play hide and seek.” And just like that, they were friends.

ii 03/06/1989

“Pans, you have to come. Mum says she won’t take no for an answer so you have no choice.” It’s his ninth birthday in two days and maybe Pansy is a little too young to feel insecure but she’d read about insecurity (or read as much as she could understand at her age) when she was peeking through one of her mother’s copies of Witch Weekly and now she thinks she feels it. She’s worried that Draco is growing up and leaving her behind; she’d know that fear was irrational now but at the age of only eight, two months difference in age feels like a lifetime. Draco would probably have friends at the party that Pansy didn’t know and what if they didn’t like her? What if they hated her and teased her and Draco joined in because he’s older now?

“What if your friends don’t like me?” Pansy whispers as she plonks herself down on Draco’s bedroom floor, legs crossed with her fingers tracing cracks in the wood before she pulls her dress over her knees. Draco had asked her earlier if the pattern embroidered in the dress were pansies because of her name and she had laughed and called him ‘silly’ because obviously they were daisies, before he pushed her onto the floor with a laugh in retort.

“If they don’t, then I don’t want them to be my friend anymore.” He speaks as though it’s the simplest thing ever and Pansy thinks she’s the luckiest person in the world for having a friend like him as he sits down on the floor in front of her, his legs crossing so their knees touch and he watches the movement of her fingers carefully. “You’re my only real friend anyway. Everyone else is too nice.”

Pansy snickers at his words as her eyes look up to meet his, there’s amusement flashing on his face and there’s a hopeful childish glint in his eyes as he stares at her. Pansy thinks he’s right. She loves Draco unconditionally, they’ve rarely spent more than a week apart since that first time they met but her mind flashes back to when he pushed her on the floor earlier or the time she shouted her first curse word at him and thinks maybe other people wouldn’t understand that they show their affection in more ways that just jokes and hugs. Some people are just too nice. Or the two of them are a little too unkind for eight-year-olds but Pansy doesn’t consider that much.

“I suppose I can come to your party then.” Draco’s face practically lights up as he beams at her, his whole demeanour changing until he appears lighter than he had for the entirety of the day. He practically bounces to his feet, grabbing her hand and pulling her up with him. Pansy can’t stop the grin spreading across her face as he hugs her in excitement – they may not show all their affection through hugs but that doesn’t mean hugging isn’t a frequent occurrence.

“It’s going to be so fun, Pansy, I promise!” Draco practically yells in excitement. “We might even be able to sneak a sip of father’s fire whiskey while he’s not looking.” Pansy thinks maybe she’s too young to be trying alcohol, her mother always told her she can’t touch it until she’s old enough to read a full book cover to cover (a proper book,  not one of her beloved fairytale books) and Pansy isn’t even close to that. But the mischief in Draco’s eyes is Pansy’s favourite thing and the fact that she goes along with what he says when she sees that look has got them in to more trouble than she’d like to remember. Pansy doesn’t care though, she’s certain she’d do anything for her best friend.

iii 01/09/1991

Pansy’s fingers pull at a stray piece of fabric on the seat beside her, resting her head against the window as she listens the rhythm of the Hogwarts Express on the train tracks. Her mind is spinning, her stomach in knots as she runs over the possibilities of what could happen when she arrives for her first year at Hogwarts. She hasn’t spoken a word to her best friend opposite her since he arrived aside from a ‘hello’ and he thinks it’s strange how quiet she is but knows it’s best not to disturb her when she’s worked up over something. Draco is already dressed in his robes, Pansy can’t even bring herself to do that yet because she’s terrified and Merlin, she envies Draco the majority of the time but especially at times like this – he’s never phased by anything, unlike her.

“Are you nervous?” Pansy questions before taking a ridiculously large bite of the chocolate frog Draco had bought her because she has to at least eat something. She’s completely aware of the chocolate smeared around her mouth. Her mother always told her that it’s not ladylike to behave so carelessly, especially in front of a male but she thinks it doesn’t matter with Draco; he’s seen her knickers once before when he pushed her off of her broom in a game of tag and her skirt rode up, a bit of chocolate really wasn’t a big deal.

“About what?”

“Everything. Going to Hogwarts, making new friends, getting sorted into your house.” Pansy counts her reasons on her fingers as Draco watches her, amusement clear in his eyes as though he’d been waiting for this conversation since he sat down. Pansy thinks he knows her too well sometimes but then realises that’s not a problem because she knows just as much about him. She’s spent many hours telling him everything on her mind only for him to make her feel better with a few kind words and a little bit of name-calling and a cuddle. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“You’ll make friends straight away, Pans. You made friends with me easy enough.”

“Draco, we were five. It’s not that simple at this age.” Pansy scowls at him and she almost laughs at the way she’s talking. She sounds like an old woman, she knows and Draco thinks the same because a slight snort of laughter can be heard from him as he swallows a handful of sweets.

“Just relax. Even if you don’t make friends, you still have me.” All she can do is nod because he’s right and she really does need to relax, this is supposed to be exciting. “Unless, of course, you get sorted into Hufflepuff. Then I’d have no choice but to never speak to you again.” Pansy directs a light kick straight to his shin and he laughs, she can’t stop the corners of her mouth curling upwards because his laughter is infectious and it’s her favourite sound.

“Not funny.”

“I’ll be in Slytherin, there’s not been a single Malfoy that hasn’t been in Slytherin.” Draco has a hint of superiority in his tone, something he always takes on when he’s discussing his family or his blood status. Honestly, Pansy wasn’t even aware about the significance of blood until Draco explained to her the difference between pure-bloods and other types of wizards, something she supposed he learnt from his father. Pansy isn’t sure she fully agrees with those views but she tells Draco she does every time it’s mentioned; she likes the way his eyes shine when she agrees with him, when she really feels important to him.

“You’ll be Slytherin too, Pans. Just wait.” She hopes more than anything that he’s right.

iv 14/02/1993

Pansy has only just managed stop the tears falling freely down her face as she pulls her knees up onto the couch beside her, her head on Draco’s lap, his fingers combing through her hair as he waits for her to calm down. She thanks Salazar that it’s 2am and no one else is awake to hear her this way because Pansy Parkinson isn’t weak and no one can see her like this, no one except Draco. The tone of his quiet, soothing ‘shh’ echoes through the dungeons as she tries her absolute best to get a fucking grip because she’s thirteen now and she shouldn’t be sobbing over things as pathetic as this.

“He’s not worth it, y’know? I always told you he’s an arse.” And Pansy wants to roll her eyes at his way of saying ‘I told you so’ but she can’t when they’re sore from crying so she just nods quickly. Draco is right, of course he is, and Pansy knew that all along but Theo was the first person who showed her any attention in that way and she was foolish to believe it. And now it’s Valentine’s Day and her (ex)boyfriend has been shagging Flora Carrow behind her back and Pansy doesn’t think she’s ever felt so stupid. Of course he’d prefer a fourth year, most boys want sex and Pansy certainly wasn’t prepared to give him that at the age of thirteen.

“You didn’t have sex with him, did you?” Draco asks, his fingers hesitating in her hair as he speaks and Pansy thinks she hears a hint of jealousy in his tone but then again she probably imagined it; she thinks she imagines half of the affection Draco shows her. She ignores the fact that it’s because she wants it so much, she wants him to care for her as much as she cares for him but sometimes he’s cold and she doesn’t know what to do with him because growing up creates distance and at times like this she pretends it’s not there.

“Of course not.” Pansy scoffs with a rather unattractive sniffle, lifting her head up off his lap finally to look him in the eyes and she imagines that there’s a flash of relief in the grey. “We kissed and we did… stuff but never that.” Draco nods and Pansy shuffles uncomfortably, she wonders when they reached a point where he didn’t already know these things about her. She wonders when they reached a point where she felt awkward discussing these things with him.

“I’ll hex him in the corridor tomorrow, if you want?” That mischievous glint that Pansy has grown up to love makes her heart skip a beat because he does care, just not as intensely and in his own way and it’s okay. Sometimes. Not when she looks at him and her pulse quickens and her face flushes red and sometimes when she thinks of his smile she gets small butterflies in the pit of her stomach. She’s sure that’s friendship, that’s how everyone feels towards their best friend but she’s too scared to ask Draco if he feels it too.

“I’d like that.”

“You need sleep, your eyes are all red.” Draco mutters softly, standing from the sofa and holding out his hand for her to take as she stands up. When her skin touches his, Pansy feels those familiar butterflies she feels every time he touches her; she also notices the way he doesn’t seem phased in the slightest but ignores that completely. “I’ll walk to breakfast with you tomorrow and we’ll act like he doesn’t exist, yeah? Just me and you like old times.” Pansy could burst into tears of joy right then and there if she hadn’t already cried as much as she thought was possible.

And when the blonde leans forward just the slightest amount, his head tilted downwards towards hers, she thinks he’s going to kiss her lips and she didn’t realise she wanted that until her breathing stops and her hands are shaking by her side. But his lips land on her cheek in the slightest brush of a goodnight kiss and Pansy feels a sense of disappointment over something she didn’t even know she needed but she’ll take what she can get because this is Draco and she’ll always care more than she has to with him.

v 25/12/1994

‘You look fucking beautiful, Pans’, he had said as she made her way towards him in the entrance to the Great Hall and she had blushed as pink as her frilly gown as she took his arm. Now as she dances with him at the Yule Ball, his arm around her waist and her head on his shoulder, she thinks that nothing compares to him. Nothing is as beautiful as Draco Malfoy.

Pansy has come to accept that the feelings she has for Draco go way beyond the way one should feel for their best friend. She learnt that it definitely isn’t friendship when she asked Daphne and Millie what they thought love was and they described exactly how she felt. They’d both said they hope they fall in love one day and Pansy didn’t want to tell them that sometimes love feels like a dagger through the heart when you see that one person with his lips on another girls’ neck and it’s like a form of silent torture when it’s a different girl the next week and another the week after. She wishes more than anything that just once that girl could be her.

But tonight that doesn’t matter because Draco asked her to the ball over anyone else and maybe it’s only because she’s the only girl he’s ever been close enough to dance with but Pansy never got over that habit of pretending and tonight she pretends that it’s because he loves her back.

The night disappears much faster than Pansy would like it to and soon enough, it’s midnight and the ball is over. Draco keeps his fingers intertwined with hers though as they leave the hall and he doesn’t let go until they reach the door to the common room. She’s sure this must just be another one of those things she imagines but it’s not and it’s real and he’s perfect.

They pause at the entrance to the dormitories, Draco finally letting go of her hand as he faces her – Pansy feels uncharacteristically nervous under his gaze. “I’m glad you asked me to go with you, Draco. It was so wonderful.” Pansy hadn’t told him that she was glad he’d asked her to the Ball, the conversation in which she was asked included a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders and a short ‘why not’ as they sat in the library one afternoon. Inside she was squealing with delight.

“I- You were the only person I could’ve asked.” Draco’s smiling as he speaks but Pansy can’t help but feel hurt by his words, was she really his last resort? “You’re the only person I care about in this shitty school; I couldn’t have possibly asked anyone else.” Oh Merlin, Pansy thinks this is the happiest she’s ever felt and it can’t get better than this, ever.

Except it can because his fingers are on her chin and he tilts her head up to his and he’s oh so gorgeous as he stares down at her. “You really do look stunning tonight, Pans.” And Pansy doesn’t even get time to hide her blush this time as Draco places a soft peck on her lips which lasts a second at most but it’s enough to make her head spin and she thinks she might pass out. “I- uh, I just wanted to check something that’s all.” Draco murmurs awkwardly and its now his turn for his pale cheeks to go a light shade of pink. And then he leans forward once more and it’s longer this time and Pansy doesn’t think she’s held her breath for this long before.

The kiss is soft and slow and Pansy’s eyes flutter closed through instinct as their lips move together. Draco’s lips are softer than she ever imagined and when his tongue swipes against her mouth, she opens hers just enough to let him into her own mouth before she has to grip his arm to steady herself. This is the definition of magic, Pansy thinks, forget spells and potions; it’s kissing Draco Malfoy. It ends all too soon and Pansy finds herself desperately chasing his mouth as he pulls away until she snaps herself out of it and she opens her eyes to find him looking down at her, his brows furrowed.

“That was…” Amazing. Perfect. Everything I could have ever imagined. “Different.” Draco beams down at her and Pansy smiles back but she doesn’t think that he means the good kind of different.

“It was, yeah, it was different.” She nods because she always makes sure he knows she agrees with him, even when she doesn’t. “What were you checking?”

“I felt like I wanted to kiss you all night, I was checking that it would be as good as I hoped.” Draco shrugs, cracking his knuckles in that way that irritates most people beyond belief but she finds it more endearing that anything.

“And?”

“Like I said… different.” He’s right, it was different. Different because Pansy is so head-over-heels for the blonde in front of her and this night is a dream come true. But he doesn’t mean it that way, she knows that and this time she doesn’t even feel like pretending. Instead she mimics his grin and she’s aware that his words act as a mutual agreement that it didn’t mean anything other than curiosity – even if she doesn’t fully feel the same on her behalf.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, Malfoy.”

“Don’t. I meant it in the worst way.” And Pansy laughs, she genuinely laughs for the millionth time that night because she knows his humour and she knows that even though he didn’t like the kiss the way she did, he’s only joking with his harsh words. “Love you though.”

“Go to bed, Draco.” Pansy rolls her eyes followed by the quickest kiss on his cheek before he turns to his dorm. Tonight she’ll tell her friends that Draco kissed her and tonight she’ll pretend he enjoyed it as much as she did.

vi 19/08/1994

Her back slams against the door of Draco’s bedroom as his hands pin hers to the wood by her side, his lips on her jaw and his scent is everywhere. She loves it. She loves him. And her head is spinning because she’s completely intoxicated by him, she won’t ever get used to this. And she knows he does this with other girls but she always wished she could be one of those and now she is and she pretends that she means more than the others because the two of them have a history and that has to count for something.

It’s the summer holidays, just a couple of weeks before the start of fifth year and Pansy hasn’t seen Draco since term ended. As soon as she arrived at Malfoy Manor, Draco had pulled her upstairs and she was hit with memories of when he’d do the same thing when they were children. But when they were children it didn’t end with his hands on the hem of her shirt as he starts pulling it over her head. And then her fingers are in his hair as his mouth trails sloppy kisses over her collar bone.

Pansy always told herself that her first time would be with someone she’s in love with, the person she’s going to marry and although she plans their wedding in her head some nights, she’s not sure that person will be Draco. But she’s in love with him, completely irrevocably in love with him and thinks that might be enough for now, even if he doesn’t love her back.

“Draco-“ She starts, cutting herself off as he sucks on her neck hard enough and in the right place to make her let out a small hiss of pleasure. “Draco, I want- I want you to takemyvirginity.” Pansy’s cheeks burn red as she rushes the last three words out, her eyes focusing on the wall behind Draco’s head because what if he says not or even worse, what if he laughs at her? His mouth stops moving against her skin as he registers what was said before he lifts his head, his eyes searching her face for any sign that she didn’t mean what she said.

“Are you sure?” And Pansy feels relief at the softness in his voice, his hands releasing hers from pinning her to door as one moves to her hip and the other lifts to move a stray lock of hair from her face. She’s sure, she’s never been more sure of anything in her life.

Pansy nods her head quickly, his eyes focused on his lips because she can’t even bare to look into his eyes at this point. “It has to be you. There’s no one else.” The words are practically a whisper as they leave her lips and when Draco’s mouth connects with hers it’s so soft that it reminds her of their first kiss after the Yule Ball, every kiss after that has been rushed and desperate until now. This kiss tells Pansy that he knows what she’s saying, he understands that it can only be him she does this with, he’s the only person she trusts to see her vulnerable that way for the first time.

Draco’s hand intertwines with hers as he walks her towards his bed and she lays down on it with nerves in the pit of her stomach and her hands trembling just the slightest amount. She watches as Draco takes his shirt off followed by his trousers so then he’s only in his underwear and it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before but it’s different this time, entirely different.

He’s on top of her then, his lips on her mouth, her jaw, her neck; everywhere. Her hands laced in his hair as she closes her eyes, her heart thudding uncontrollably and her mind is so clouded with excitement and need she can’t stop the words leaving her lips.

“I love you.” It’s not in the same way she usually says it, they both know it’s more than the brief ‘love you’s they’ve shared over the years of their friendship and Draco doesn’t stop his movements for a second.

“I know.” Pansy never expected him to say it back yet despite that, she can’t ignore the pang of pain that shoots through her heart. But she can pretend, just for tonight at least, that they are in love and it’ll be everything she imagined it would be.

vii 30/03/1995

OWLs are more stressful than Pansy could have ever imagined, she spends hours on top of hours studying yet nothing seems to stay in her head and Pansy is close to accepting her fate in that she will fail everything. But it’s just past curfew and the common room is almost empty as she leans over her potions notes, the exam is only weeks away and most nights Pansy can’t sleep with worry.

When the doors to the common room open, Pansy doesn’t even lift her head until he sofa dips beside her and she’s met with the sight of Draco. Her quill drops immediately as she turns to give him her full attention and he leans into her, a yawn falling from his lips and he rests his head on her shoulder. Pansy wrinkles her nose in disgust however because while she’d usually relish in any kind of affection from him, he smells of perfume and sex and she tries to ignore the nausea spreading all over her body.

“Ugh, Draco get off me.” She pushes his head from her and instead he slouches back and sinks into the sofa. “You reek of pussy.” Draco snorts at her vulgar language, laughing loudly and she can’t help but smile back at him despite the fact that imagining him with another girl is equivilant to shattering her heart into tiny pieces.

“And you reek of jealousy,” Draco teases but he’s right and they both know it. He uses her, she knows it, he takes advantage of her feelings for him so he can have a quick fuck when he feels like it and she knows she should probably hate him for it but she loves him more than she can explain and maybe it’s fucked up but Pansy accepted that’s what she is a long time ago. He’s still her best friend and if Pansy could see past the feelings she has for him, she might come to realise that he’s not the same boy she met ten years ago and she deserves better than him but she can’t do that.

“I’m trying to study.” Irritation is clear in her tone but it’s fake and Draco likes to annoy her, he always has done so he kicks his legs up onto the coffee table where her work is with a smirk. “Which you should be doing too, by the way. Not off fucking sluts in broom closets.” She pushes his feet off the table with a huff as he shrugs.

“For your information, it wasn’t a broom closet. It was a-“

“I don’t care. Now either help me with this Potions work or go get a wash.” Pansy feels him shuffle closer to her on the sofa, so close that their arms are side by side and their legs pressed against each other. He leans forward and scans his eyes over the notes in front of her, his brows furrowed as he reads and she feels secretly glad that he didn’t pay attention to her suggestion that he leaves.

Draco’s head shakes a little as he picks up her quill, dipping in the ink before he starts scratching words on her notes on brewing an Invigoration Draught. “Look Pans, you wrote it wrong. You need three asphodel roots, not two. In fact, most of this is wrong, were you even paying attention?”

“Probably not. You know how much I hate that subject.” Sometimes Draco makes her feel a little inferior, mainly because he’s so clever and Pansy knows he can’t help that but if it were anyone else she’d resent it. “I don’t know why you’re acting so smart; Granger’s beating you anyway, she got top of the class in the last test.” Now it’s her turn to irritate him.

“Don’t get me started on that mudblood.” Draco sneers and she hides the way she cringes at his language because she really isn’t prejudiced, not as much as everyone thinks. She wasn’t brought up to think that way at least, her parents have always been very accepting. But as Draco grew up, he grew to have the same pure-blood elitist beliefs as his parents and Pansy only challenged him on it once before she decided it was easier to just go along with it. Her parents would no doubt be disappointed if they knew the foul things she’d said to muggle-borns at school over the years but that doesn’t seem to matter when she does it to impress him.

“Better up your game, Malfoy.” Pansy nudges him, a hint of challenge in her voice as he pushes her shoulder lightly.

“Tomorrow.” He stands up, finally deciding it’s time he got a shower. “Tomorrow, we’ll go to the library after breakfast and we’ll study. You’re going to get an Exceeds Expectations, and I’m going to beat that Granger.” Pansy is amazed at the way a few words from the right person can ease practically every worry in her mind.

viii 22/05/1995

Sex with Draco is the best thing she’s ever had the pleasure of doing. The sound of her name leaving his lips, way his hands caress her body so delicately even when the act itself is the furthest from delicate, it’s all rather mind-blowing. Draco prefers rough sex, Pansy prefers slow sex but she doesn’t ever tell him that because she supposes rough sex is better than no sex. That’s what she thinks as she comes down from what she’s sure might be the best orgasm of her life and Draco pulls out of her, dropping onto her bed beside her. Everyone else is at dinner so there’s no need for him to rush away like usual.

“Pansy, can I tell you something?” Draco’s voice is still raspy as he sits up, his hands reaching to the bottom of the bed so he can grab his shirt and Pansy nods, still too warm to even think of getting dressed. “I think I’ve fallen in love.” This is it, she thinks. This is when he finally tells her those three words she’s been waiting for since as long as she can remember and all of this pain she’s felt, all these times he’s left her in the aftermath of their sex feeling used and alone won’t matter anymore. “Do you know Astoria Greengrass?”

Her mouth goes dry and she feels a lump in the back of her throat, the back of her eyes prickling with the beginning of tears that she desperately tries to hold back. And she will hold them back because she won’t let him see her hurt even though he knows how much his words are killing her. She doesn’t think he does it intentionally but she doesn’t know him anymore, she pretends she does but she doesn’t. She hasn’t known him, properly known him inside and out, since he was thirteen; growing up changed him into a much colder person than the one she grew up with. “Daphne’s sister, she’s in third year isn’t she?”

Draco swings his legs off the edge of the bed as he pulls on his underwear, deciding that he’s wearing enough clothes for now as he turns to face her. “I- She’s not like other girls, y’know? She’s special and I kissed her once, a few months back. I’ve never felt like that before, not with anyone.” There’s a dagger in her heart and Draco is holding it, twisting it deeper with each word he speaks. “I didn’t kiss her again though; I didn’t want her to just be like the others. I want everything to be right.”

The others. That includes her. She’s one of ‘the others’. How did she go from being his best friend to being nothing more than a girl he sleeps with? “Have you spoken to Astoria about it? That you- you love her.” Draco shakes his head and Pansy wonders why in the world he’s sat here with her, having just fucked her if he’s in love with someone else. Pansy couldn’t do that; she’s been hopelessly loyal to someone who will never feel the same way for the majority of her life. It’s pathetic really.

“What should I do, Pans?” Pansy feels the jealousy still burning in the pit of her stomach, anger the only thing driving her thoughts as she goes through possible answers in her head. She wants to tell him to stay away from her, to yell at him for leading her on all these years, swear at him for taking advantage of her. But she does none of those things.

“I think you need to tell her.” Before now, Pansy didn’t think it would be possible to be heartbroken by her own words but as they echo around her dorm she thinks that’s just what’s happened.

“But what if she doesn’t love me back? What if she feels nothing?” Well then you’ll know exactly how I feel. Pansy doesn’t speak half of the words she thinks most of the time.

“You get on with it. You keep your head high and wait until something better comes along.” Draco’s eyes are burning into hers as she speaks and she knows he’s got questions on the tip of his tongue that she’s not certain he’ll ask.

“Is that what you did?” He’s talking about her, about her feelings for him as though they don’t exist anymore and then it hits her that maybe he has no idea she still feels that way for him. He doesn’t have any clue about the extent of her love for him, both platonic and romantic. And she wants to tell him the truth, that no – she’s still waiting for that ‘something better’ but she doesn’t. She’d rather be in pain; she’d rather be broken hearted for the rest of her life than possibly burden him with the guilt of her feelings when he has a chance at being happy.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I did.”

ix 08/08/1995

“Does it hurt?” Pansy asks as she sits opposite Draco on her bed, his sleeve is rolled up and on his forearm she watches the tattoo move under his skin. It causes shivers of fear to run through her body. Part of her wants to touch it but the other part is disgusted, just slightly to the point where she can’t look him in the eye.

“At first it did, not so much now.” Draco shrugs, pulling his sleeve back down but through the thin white fabric she can still make out the black stain on his skin. “Do you hate me?” Pansy shakes her head instinctively; she should hate him, she should be telling him to get the hell out of her house because Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater and this isn’t right. But she doesn’t hate him. She understands he had no choice, she’s listened to his explanation over and over again and she gets it, she gets him.

“Of course not.” She whispers, finally looking up at him and there’s a sadness on his face that she hasn’t seen before. He looks young and old all at once, young because he appears so damn vulnerable and old because his eyes are tired and his skin is pale and she feels more pity for him than anything. “Everything that’s happened, you- you didn’t have any other choice.”

“Astoria is going to hate me.” He’s going to cry again and she’s going to have to hold him again as she desperately tries to hold back tears because she’s never seen him so broken before and she’s not used to being the one who has to stay strong. But he blinks away the tears. “I- I had to break up with her. I’m too scared he’ll use it against me so I sent her an owl. How noble of me.”  Pansy rolls her eyes at his dry humour even at times like this but at least this is a way to get him to smile even if it’s the tiniest amount.

“Wow Draco, I hope you had the decency to at least use your best quill and take your time with the most elaborate handwriting.” She teases and he gives a weak chuckle.

“Actually, I scribbled it out at 2am in the dark so who knows what it looks like.” A snort of laughter leaves Pansy’s mouth at his words and his face seems to light up because even at times like this, she can always make him laugh.

She’s also gotten used to the idea of Draco and Astoria being together, almost. She spent the rest of fifth year purposely looking away from the two of them when Draco chose to sit with Astoria instead of her at meals, she spent way too many nights crying over it that she became numb to the idea and began to not feel anything when Draco cluelessly asked her for advice on relationships. As if she’d have the slightest idea, she’d always scoffed in her head.

That’s why she’s not surprised by the sadness and pity she feels for Draco when finding out he had to leave the girl he loves so intensely that even Pansy can’t pretend he doesn’t anymore. She still loves Draco, she thinks she always will but she’s not going to hold him back. It’s her problem to deal with, not his.

“When all this is over, you can explain it to her properly. She’ll understand, I know it and then you can be happy.” Draco’s head is shaking in disagreement before she’s even finished speaking.

“I think you’re the only person I want around when all this is over, Pans. The world is too complicated for being in love, friendship is more important.” Pansy doesn’t press the fact that she is in love with him and therefore his theory doesn’t matter in the slightest to her. “When everything’s done, we can be roommates and we’ll rent a place and get good jobs and we won’t need anyone else. Just me and you.”

Pansy’s happy with that plan. He might not want to marry her, he might not even love her but that’s the best she’s going to get and she couldn’t be more satisfied.

x 14/10/2004

Hey Pans,

I know we haven’t spoken in a while and I was going to send you the same invite as everyone else but I thought you deserve a handwritten one (lucky).

I asked Astoria to marry me! Can you believe it? I certainly can’t! But we’re getting married on the 14th of December and I’d love if you’d come to the wedding. It’ll only be you, Blaise and Daphne from school but I miss you a lot and you’re the only one I haven’t seen since everything happened.

I’ll still send you the proper invitation so you know the dates and things but I just wanted you to know that I want you there more than I want any of the others really and it’d make me beyond happy. I do hope you can make it (mother says she misses you as well).

Lots of love, your bestest friend (Draco in case you didn’t already know). Xx

“Incendio.” Pansy mutters as she watches the parchment go up in flames, her heart heavy but she ignores it as she takes a puff of her cigarette. She’s long past the point of being sad over Draco Malfoy, she did enough of that after the war. He was the one who chose not to reply to her letters, he was the one who didn’t get into contact until now.

Pansy spent many months waiting for his owl or even for him to turn up at her door with the keys to their place they were going to rent and that grin that she used to love so much but now she can’t fully picture. We won’t need anyone else. Just me and you. The words haunted her, they were the only things she could think of for such a long time as she clung onto the hope that he hadn’t forgotten about her, he was just busy fixing himself after the war.

But she saw him on the cover of the Prophet, he had a job at the Ministry, he attended events with Astoria on his arm and she washed away the bitter taste in her mouth with cigarette smoke; deciding that killing herself this way was much less painful that killing herself by pining after him. Because that’s what she’d been doing all those years; following him around, being at his beck and call, letting him use her whenever he wished – those were all things that broke her bit by bit but she was too blinded by him to notice it until she was away from him.

And Pansy spent hours contemplating whether she’d go to the wedding, she’s read the letter hundreds of times but that only served to convince her that she can’t possibly face him. Not after all this time. And it might upset him, she knows that, it won’t be easy for him to get married without having his oldest friend there but Pansy has spent too much of her life going out of her way to keep Draco Malfoy happy.

Pansy has had enough of pretending that she’s going to get her happy ending. It’s time for her to face reality and her reality is harsh and sometimes lonely but now this is the best she’s going to get. Pansy is ready to accept that.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i had a nice weekend, amazingly enough. in some ways i feel we both made an effort but at the same time we didn’t. like we just chilled - didnt try to make plans or rush through, just accepted that this was the activity.

it helped to change the routine up a bit. since my roommate left, we decided to stay at my place. i had a friend over for tea before being dropped off at his place where we packed up some things and came back. we got weed and alcohol and watched the unabomber documentary on netflix. it was nice - no one was yelling, no one was bothered. i brought my bed out to the living room so we could watch the big screen and relax.

in the morning we went to the bakery and bought good stuff for breakfast. smoked some weed, finished the unabomber series and took a nap. then we went skating at the park downtown before buying ingredients to make a fancy pasta dinner at his house.

it was very nice. i felt that this was ~my christmas. we definitely needed time / space to enjoy each other as is instead of constantly rushing and or making plans for other things. the success of it and the lure of downtown began helping him change his min (as well as the fact he wants to live the life the unabomber lived and now he realizes its kind of crazy)tm

this week i have a doctors appointment and im supposed to get a tattoo. he leaves on friday basically but he should be back before the next friday which oesnt seem that bad at all? he’ll still be here for new years. and my birthday. considering i dont care about christmas anyways, seems like an okay deal and i’ll probably get free random shit from people anyways. 

things are 20% less bad than they were on thursday/friday last week. it’s not great but i dont want to die. which is like .... the most normal level of being for me possible rght now. i am not “excited” to see my doctor because it means ive gone off the deep end but i am excited for the relief that i will feel upon talking to a professional who advocates for me. i am considering asking if he would want to talk to one of my friends who has been dealing with me to see if it would help because i think it would help to see that i have smart friends who are active in my life in positive ways - like i still want to provide proof that i’m not just some drug addict.

on the weekend i told him the story of my cat frank. frank died in really traumatic circumstances which was totally unusual for most people. frank was very very very sick and i took him to the vet by bus because my father was very sick. the vet took my cat, performed emergency procedures on him, then asked me to pay for it. when i couldnt pay for it they gave me the option of releasing it to the humane society, which the humane society woulnt take it and i would have to rive it there myself or put the now healthy cat down. so basically i had to put it down. they wanted me to pay to put it down as well. i had a friends father come in and he yelled at them and made a ig eal and they put it down for me for free.

in my life, i figured this was just ~ another thing. he asked me why this happened, how it couldve happened, that it was like a really terrible story if not one of the worst he’s ever heard and pressed for details. i did not fully realize at the time how unique my exprience was. i thought this went with my old line of belief - i was crazy. i was the crazy one just experiencing the world aroun me and reacting to it in a crazy way. i just “didnt understand” what was happening. i was 16 and alone and just dealing with this. 

but i was not crazy. i had taken my family pet to the vet like anyone would in modern society on the expectation that they cared about animals. but they did not care at all and i dont think that people fully understand that the pet industry is about money - it is not about the animal at all. but most people will drain their bank accounts for a beloved animal. i know people who have spent thousands of dollars and acted like it was completely normal and okay. 

is it though? i dont know. it seems fucked that we domesticated animals to an overabunance and then put a huge price tag on caring for one that they would otherwise kill. when this animal once survived in the wild without any care at all. 

but i tried to explain the nuances of this story to him which he would have zero understanding of at all. it is a bit like racism. you would never understand what a black person felt if you are not black. you do not get the nuanced glances and little shuffles away from you on a daily basis that makes you feel inhuman. and you cant explain the depth of that to someone - it sounds like you’re overreacting and nitpicking when this bothers your soul because you were merely born into the world and others are reacting to you for no reason at all.

so i tried to explain the nuances of being in poverty, having an alternative style and possibly being perceived as not white. which is a weird and unknown factor to my life - i am perceived as not white. i cannot say for certain what i am perceived as - i’ve gotten mixed, spanish and asian. but many times i am perceived as “not white”. i believe as i am getting older and my “alternative” style has become more like an old witchy type lady who just wears black and i am judged even more based on my natural looks that i am in fact coming across as more native american now than since i was a kid. 

it is kind of easy to tell by clothes if someone is experiencing poverty. kind of. sometimes people are still really insecure and want to portray themselves better off because they know its more beneficial to do so. some eople have no choice at all. as a teenager my “altnerative style” itself looked poor. i wore ripped jeans and band tshirts, i had weird colored hair that i cut myself and i probably had gross peircings. maybe i was wearing makeup from the night before. maybe my shoes had holes in them. maybe my jacket did. maybe i wore my leopard print coat. i dont know. i dont even know what i looked like or what i wore - i expressed myself through my style and i was very all over the place. maybe they judged me by this.

and its so easy to “understand” the judgement of “some punk kid” but the nuanced beliefs that follow it are not. punk to many is a criminal. a drug addict. someone who doesnt care. a kid is someone who does understand, that they can control and manipulate. someone in poverty has no choice and other people wont care. they wont care that this is a teenage girl saving her beloved pet, willing to work out payment plans and everthing else to do it. 

he did seem to understand my perspective. i have alot to deal with. this is why its offensive when i have to hear him lament about some other person’s life - who i honestly have no doubt they struggled. i really dont. if i met them independently and they told me of their lives, i bet we would get along (provided they werent a drug addict anymore) because i feel we’d probably empathize with eachother far more than he ever empathized with us. and i have only heard stories from others and every story is terrible - their successes are few and far between and they actively make harmful choices. imagine how they felt life was like for them to come to such conclusions on how they’ll live. to make choices to shoot drugs and fuck with all these people without care - that’s probably a lot of people actively not loving you and/or serious mental illness. 

but when the focus is on that and them and my struggles are taken without the same heaviness or seriousness or acceptance of how this would affect me .. it’s offensive. i do not want to be in competition with anyone for a shitty life. you cannot even be proud of that. it’s just sad. i’m sa for them, i’m sad for me - it’s just sad. but when no seriousness is taken on my life, i find myself trying to defend the belief that my life was not easy. and not just “not easy” like my parents divorced  or i didnt get into the school i wanted. like really seriously not easy, likely equal to the not easiness of this person as well. i just had a completely unique not easy experience to them and perhaps it’s not as wild or entertaining? or i’m not the cute little white blonde girl? 

i explained this to another friend about a doctor. as a teenager a friend and i  went to the doctor to try and find some help for me. we were our usual teenage goth selves and the doctor pretty much laughed and thought we were lesbians (we were not, which i guess kudos to him for accepting our perceived homosexuality but that wasnt part of the issue at hand) 

this is just the very obvious points. the examples you can see where most likely some judgement occurred but the actual bigger picture is what all these nuanced interactions equal out to. if everyday my interaction with someone is clouded by pre-conceived notions of being a drug addict, a criminal, “not white” (which in itself could be leading to the first two but is racist all around anyways) or to the lesser degrees - strange, not “socially acceptable”. but i am none of these things -  am just me. 

and you know, right now i am in a place much like my friend was as a teenager. she struggled with her racial identitiy. she did not want to be seen as “brown”. she carried hatred and resentment towards her culture and did not want to accept it despite being “brown”. so like her, i am very non-accepting of drug addicts because their existence makes mine harder. a drug addict many times lives in poverty. “not white” people are perceived as drug addicts. alternative styles are seen as drug addicts. and drug addicts themselves, many of whom i’ve interacted with, are not nice people. they are not people you want to be around and yes - they are still people. under the heroin and crack, they are still people hurt and struggling. i get it. but they just made the struggle for themselves and me ten times harder. so i have to fight and defend myself that i am not a drug addict which is so hard to prove because they can believe you’re popping pills or your trip to the bathroom took too long and it’s frustrating as hell.

unlike my friend i do not have to accept my identity as a drug addict because i’m not one. i realized that i did in fact choose to take a harder route in the struggles of life because doing drugs is the easy way. and yes, smoking weed is kind of the same but i’ve dealt and cried about life. every experience ive had with other drugs has been very numbing and exaggerated and an altered viewpoint. that is not how i react with weed. i dont know if others react differently and i wouldnt argue if they did. but this is my reaction. i would smoke 2 joints everyday before i took an anti depressant which i have taken and do not have the same very positive effects. 

but when ihave done other drugs and if i chose to continue to do other drugs its a complete escape. 100% non functioning escape. and it’s not like “do a little” mdma and you’re just a little happier all day. PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND YOUR WEIRD ASS which is affected by this drug in unusual ways like you’re a “little happier” and everyone else is uncomfortable. congrats. i do drugs and i am writhing on the floor like a piece of shit. 

anyways, he told his mother the story about the vet and she essentially pushed it aside and said it seemed unlikely. she is why my life is shit. people ust like her multiplied into the thousands. for all the nuanced judgements and personal experiences - it seemed unlikely. but it did happen. this is my life. you’re telling me my life seems unlikely. this is exactly what happened. a grown man with a government job came in and yelled at them. i know his name. why would that occur? do you not understand WHY I AM CRAZY?

i am constantly looking for validation because of people like her. not everyone is like her. some people with vast life experiences or real open minds take you for your word. anything is possible in life. but many people don’t. and many of those people hold positions of power or authority which may even be as simple as being a teacher or principal. but those people will shape and guide the path your life in society is going to take. when i told people of what was going on - they didn’t believe me, they didnt care; it seemed unlikely. so i’m left questioning the importance, my sanity, my perspective as well as dealing with the actual active problem entirely on my own with absolutely no help or direction what so ever. thank god i was an egotistical cocky angry teenager. my punk ass attitude and anger and genera ignorance got me through things i honest to god probably wouldnt even do now. younger me was ten times harder. i was ready to do anything go anywhere but i didnt because i had guilt and apathy. i didnt have the same apathy as i do now, but there was some. i dont have guilt anymore and looking back had i followed through on my teenage dreams, i mightve been better off. i wanted to move out early. i wanted to move out at like 15 - 16 years old. if my dad had not gotten sick, i wouldve been working at a job where i made 350 - 500$ every week doing shit i was fully 100% capable of doing with no issue what so ever. in a home environment interacting with one other person. i realized i had earned like 4000$ in the 3 -4 months i was working there and had literally nothing because i spent it on weed and vodka and ecstacy. then i lost the job for being so stressed out and smoking so much weed before and during work that i couldnt even do the job anymore. which was like SHIT I DO EVERY DAY ANYWAYS. 

at 17 i spent 3 months living by myself. literally. while working. an taking care of any responsibilities my sick father put on me and this is before hes even in the house. most people cant eve comprehend the idea of me doing this now but this is what i did. what you need to realize is that my mother at the time was also still alive. so for whatever reason she just ... didn’t give a fuck this was happening. she knew. she was fully aware. but not once did she offer anything. she just wanted to know if he was going to be dead or not. 

17 year old me dealt with this by smoking an insanely large amount of weed which i do not think i have even matched to this day because never have i had that much disposable income again. but not only did i smoke weed, i did a shit ton of mdma and k and drank a lot of vodka which was my drink of choice at the time. we stole my dads van, three times, for lke no purpose. it was bad. this was essentially my most punk era of time which i now look back on pretty disappointed with myself because i had the wherewithal to get a job, maintain a job but then be a complete piece of shit teenager. that was my time - had i not given into drugs or alcohol i’d have been WAY different. period. 

by not taking that way out - and i feel like people don’t understan i made a concious decision not to do it anymore but eliminating toxic people in my life and like completely removing myself from these situations. the last time of significance that i did drugs - my friend came from toronto to visit. this is what we did. the routine. she came and we woul get “bored” and decide lets just pool what money we have and get something. so i asked everyone on facebook - at the time i had probably 150+ friends (super unusual for me a really big number) and just asked anyone and everyone. a random kid who went to our school back in the day (we were probably 18 now) said he had some pills. we walked in the dark to meet this kid and he gave us 2 pills for 20$ which is a pretty big rip off but we didnt care. we went back to my place, popped them and got high as fuck. half way through our trip, my bf at the time randomly shows up. which was a big deal; he live 3 hours away and was surprising me. we were very surprised and it was awkward and weird and it wasnt like we could send him away. we had to spend a few hours with him awkwardly before she slept in the other room and i had an uncomfortable time “sleeping” with him. 

i decided then maybe i was getting too old. i spent two years doing drugs and going through his routine and it was wearing on my body already. my teeth and gums were always sore from grinding, my lungs were always sore from smoking so many cigarettes, i was spending all of my money on drugs - there was times when the drugs were clearly mixed with other more disgusting drugs like coke and meth and it would result in way more fucked up reactions like the time i hit myself in the thigh with a baton for 30 minutes before my friend noticed and made me stop. but the repetition and pain were part of the enjoyment for me. all of the times i was on drugs, i was a different person. i was someone i would never actually be. sure, my inhibitions were lower but the filters of how i truly felt and would act are no longer there and thats not a real represenation of my actual true self. these are just deep layers of myself that i may not even want to share or would normally consent to sharing if the drugs didnt affect me. and that bothered me alot. it stil bothers me - my behavior on drugs. people out there have seen me in ways im not proud of. i’m embarassed and i only have myself to blame. 

so thats the easy way. the hard way is living life within your true self and finding enjoyment in things when you can barely find the excitement in yourself. take a drug and do any activity - it’s fantastic. do nothing and it’s great. but fining things your true self wants to take part in -- long time drug addicts know the “boredom”. they never took the journey to find these passions and instead elected for the easy way to have the excitement handed to them.

and honestly? nothing really matches the thrill of mdma. or i guess crack or heron or whatever you do. i have never felt anything like it. every nerve is awake and aware, i am hyper sensitive to all of life and my mind is clear. everything is interesting and awe inspiring. 

but thats not life. you cant carry that into the slums of the ghetto. you cant go outsie and stare blindly at the sun. you cannot do it. this is not life. and its okay to someones experience it. the same way its okay to experience the heat of the sun. you can do it lightly ad responsibly. any other way really harms you.

in the spirit of positivity, here are some things that really get me going:

- playing an entire song with no mistakes on guitar and possibly singing it without fucking up or forgetting the words. super exciting to my life in ways nothing else is. it’s not even like i’m trying to play for other people it’s just a personal knowledge that i can do this and play it and feel it and create it. 

- making good food. not just like cooking food but the satisfaction of the actual creation of making something thats really good or luxurious. 

- being physically close to the person i am in a relationship with. i like the warmth and i was very deprived of physical contact but i dont like it with strangers or friends either so its a rare and nice feeling to lay close with someone. 

- a very fascinating tv show. like one that i have to keep watching because i neeeed to know. thats a unique and interesting feeling of human beings; being really curious. i guess it’s lke reading a book but i dont read much at this stage in my life but i hope ill become hat kind of person and when i do itll probably be exciting to have so much material in a world ive rarely visited. 

- cats. i really love cats. all of the cats. i love visiting people’s cats and i like to become friends with them. cats are great because they feel very individual; no two cats are the same and no matter how much the owner impresses on to the cat, the cat is just a cat and it does what it wants so it’s like getting to make a new friend even if the person you’re visiting isnt that exciting. cats are always great. even the shitty grumpy ones. or the old ones that maybe arent into you. if you spend enough time, eventually they will be and you can be friends and people think you’re a cat whisperer. i have atleast two cat friends i see regularly but i see more cats than that. we’re just not friends yet. 

- a really good song. either with really good rocking bluesy music or clever/well written lyrics.