#ive never run an ask blog before so if this does happen dont expect anything super professional okay

[st4rstudent]

I've had this idea for a while but everytime I actually gave it thought, I'd get frightened last minute. But anyways, with summer coming up (and more free time), I've been considering making an ask blog of sorts just for fun. Does that seem like anything anyone would be interested in

naturally itd be more hc based because well. heh. looks around. gets scared

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[kkairosclerosis]

uncommon things i associate my deities with~

hi guys! im back from a quick hiatus! 

i recently moved to the city, but not too far from where i lived previously in the country. living in the city, however, is proving to be a bit more difficult then i had imagined, so ive been taking some weekends to go back home and ground myself again so i can feel more connected to my craft<3.

anyways, this morning, i was sitting on the porch of my parents farmhouse, looking out onto the sunset as my idiot dog ran laps around the frost-covered lawn, feeling more connected to my deities than i had in weeks. i decided, ‘hey, here a nice post idea. maybe ill talk abt the things i associate with my deities that others might not, and hopefully inspire them to as well!’ so, here it is! 

uncommon things i associate my deities with!

hermes——««

if this isnt your first time on my blog, you probably know: hermes is my patron. he has been for a while, even before i began to worship him. if you want to know more about why, check out this post. 

regardless, you can imagine that i hold very dear everything i associate with him.

in this case, it’s my dog. 

my dog is an...interesting border collie named oliver. i got into hellenic worship very shortly after getting him, and i have a very strong feeling he has a lot to do with it. 

i am thoroughly convinced my dog is a child of hermes. hes chaotic, but extremely smart. very, very fast, and spends hours running out in the yard. just running. nothing else. its even more intense when its windy, which, if you read the aforementioned post, you know that i associate the wind heavily with hermes. hermes is also the god of animal husbandry, and oliver is quite the farm animal. 

watching him run, i always get a strong sense of comfort. i know that the energy of hermes resides in him, its very clear. its almost as if his running brings the wind.  like hes running, and hermes says ‘hey, that looks fun! let me join!’ 

i, very regularly, ask for hermes protection of oliver. i do this because i know of the love hermes has for him. i can feel it. it makes me comfortable knowing hes safe while im not home with him. and i can tell it makes oliver feel safe as well.

aphrodite——««

aphrodite has always been dear to me, even before i started actually worshipping. i remember reading about her in the mythology books i frequented in the art room after i finished my projects, carrying them out to the field to just sit and read. she was an embodiment of beauty to me, and that has not changed since, so its natural that i associate her with one of the things i find most beautiful on this plane of existence: clouds.

when i was thinking of writing this post, i was sitting and looking at a cloudless sky. i was thinking: why is it that we most often consider a cloudless sky beautiful? is it because of the absence of ‘blemish?’ does a cloud signify a flaw? must all beautiful things be completely clear, or without mark? 

obviously, i thought this was ridiculous. clouds are so very dear to me. i mean, i have an entire album of photos on my phone of pictures of clouds i have taken. i have always been enamored. 

while i was pondering this, it hit me. beauty is unique. beauty is individual. thats exactly what aphrodite is about. these ‘marks’ in the sky are what make the sky beautiful to me. aphrodite is in these ‘blemishes’ because i find them beautiful. 

now, i dont mean to wrap this up in a corny way, but i encourage the people reading this to think this way about themselves. beauty is in your imperfections because they make you you. i have not seen one cloud that looks exactly like another i have seen, and thats exactly what makes them so beautiful to me. aphrodite loves all of you, and someone else does as well, so do not disrespect them by being mean to yourself. their idea of beauty is not misconstrued, so trust them. and if you dont think someone thinks your beautiful, know that i do<3.

apollo——««

apollo, to me, has always been sort of an enigma. i have a harder time interpreting his signs, especially recently, and i think that its particularly because of my recent falling out with my creative side. i have sort of abandoned my art, and it think its difficult for him to communicate with me through anything else.

one thing, however, i can feel him in is the sound of the birds in the morning. particularly, roosters.

as i mentioned before, my parents live on a farm. its natural to hear roosters first thing in the morning. some people find it annoying, but to me, its incredibly comforting. it means another morning has come. i’ve lived another day, and i have a whole new one to look forward to, until i hear the rooster the next morning. it means the sun is rising, and apollo rises with him. 

as a witch who particularly enjoys the sunrise, but has a hard time waking up to see it, the roosters serve as a sort of natural alarm clock. even if i do not physically get up to see the sunrise, i know it is happening, and i am awake for that first moment of dawn. it brings me comfort and a sense of small accomplishment, even on really difficult days.

and the days im in the city, and cant hear the roosters, its the morning songs of the birds in the part right next to my apartment building. this might be even more so, as apollo is the god of music. 

its a different type of comfort to wake up to the chill of the morning and hear the birds, knowing its a deity that loves me and wants to see me the next morning as well. i hope you, dearest reader, come to feel the same:).

asclepius——««

now, i haven’t talked about this much on this blog, but to me, asclepius has been such a pillar for me as of recent. with the pandemic and my own current health situation, i rely on him a lot for hope and support. i ask him to protect both me and my friends and family from illness or ailment, and in case of ailment, i ask him to facilitate a speedy recovery. thus far, he has never failed me, and i do not ever expect him to. i put my trust in him wholly. 

other than health, i find myself associating asclepius with cleanliness. while i see asclepius as the medic, i also see him as someone who is clean and organized. this is why i associate him with dewdrops.

now, bear with me in my explanation. morning dew, to me, feels clean. it feels almost pure, as it is one of the first forms of moisture a person can be met with during the day. 

picture it now. you wake up at sunrise, and venture out into your yard, the chill of the am just tickling at your face, cooling your nose to the touch. you take your first step off of the deck, and your bare feet sink into the grass, cold, and now wet from the dew. the feeling is shocking at first, as your feet get used to the new temperature, fresh out of the warm comfort of your blanket that sits invitingly on your bed inside. 

but the feeling is fresh. its grounding. its healing. 

that, to me, is how asclepius feels. 

sobek——««

i must be honest, sobek is the reason this post came to existence. i feel extremely strong about this one, particularly because i feel that sobek is under-appreciated and misunderstood as a god. i constantly encourage people to include sobek in their worship, as he, to me, has proven to be one of the most reliable gods i have ever worked with. i feel such a sense of comfort and love within him. i could sit in his energy for hours, days even. especially as a person who suffers from bouts of paranoia, his energy is one to learn to accept and become. 

for me, i see sobek in flowers. 

not many would see this, as sobek has this image of a tough, crocodile, protection god, which he is. but what a lot of people forget, is that sobek is also a god of fertility, particularly in harvest. in fact, sobek has done so much for my family’s farm. our garden is plentiful, and our harvests are more than we know what to do with. we end up making a lot of extra things with it, and giving it away to family friends and neighbors. i genuinely think that sobek creates abundance in our garden so he can give to our community. that is how loving i know him to be. 

however, what i specified was flowers. one of the most common offerings i give to sobek are roses. he seems to love them. sobek seems to protect that of which he loves, and roses are a symbol of love for me. i want to attempt to give him what he has given me. 

my family has a wildflower garden in front of our home. the morning i was sitting on the porch, i felt his presence, and i immediately looked to the flowers. delicate, yet extremely strong, and persevering. thats how i wish to be, and i can feel sobek in the encouragement of the flowers. 

i hope that didn’t come off too corny, although im pretty sure it did lol. i hope that this post was a good insight into my deities and how i understand them to be! again, disclaimer, not everyone experiences the gods in the same ways! some may agree with this post wholeheartedly, and some may have completely different experiences that make them disagree entirely! i am not one to gatekeep and define what the divine is, because the divine shows itself in different ways to different people. i hope you enjoyed this post, and have a wonderful day!

p.s. i love you and you’re worth it!

[csykora]

[A tabby cat curled up in the middle of a bubble hockey board. Or you, being comfortable in an athletic community that’s good enough for you]

Hiiiiii! I’ve been looking at ice hockey and it seems a cool sport and something that I might want to do as a hobby. Only Im disabled. Do you think I could still do the thing? Do you have ideas on how to start doing the thing? Ive often found it hard to do sports because coaches or trainers don’t know shit about disability and so have no clue how to teach you things or what you may or may not be capable of and telling them is useless because they make assumptions about your body and gah. Cheers

Hey—

Yes. Do the thing. Please go do it! I am not your coach, not your trainer, only friendly local bone witch—which I am very annoyed to have to say because you are a great athlete to work with.

Can I point out a couple things you just said?

You’re offering to do a trainer’s homework for them.

The early game didn’t have coaches. People milled on and off in whatever situations they felt like. Coaches and trainers came onto the scene so that someone was keeping track of who was actually good at what, when they needed support, and how to use them to best effect. That’s their whole gig.

Talking to folks on this blog, I’ve learned lots of people have this impression that capital-A Athletes have some factory-settings-standard body, any deviation a disaster (and they themselves can’t be athletes because they don’t.)

I think it’s very useful to smash this idea. Every athlete is a grab bag of weaknesses and weirdnesses, from old injuries down to handedness. Every coach longs to have three right-shot defensemen, and has made peace with the fact they’re not going to get them. Their job is to play with all the mismatched pieces they do have until they fit into a team.

If you present a coach or trainer with information about your abilities, and they don’t want to use that information, the problem you got right there is a shit coach.

Despite what the National League believes, there are more than 32 coaches in the world. 

Throw a stick up here and you’ll hit another amateur coach. When we’re little, if we get a shit coach or PE teacher, we get stuck. That does real and lasting harm, which I am happy to go on at length about, but to flip it around:

Now, you are a big Zee, who wants to learn to play as a hobby, with the goal of having fun. That’s a powerful place to be.

I won’t say there aren’t stakes: you could get hurt, physically or emotionally. Sharing information about your body with other people to try to keep yourself from getting hurt all the time can be hard. Playing can make you feel physically accomplished and capable in your body, which is a deep need I think we all have, so having to back away if a team does turn out to be shit is hard. So I don’t say “you can always quit a team” lightly, but…there is no threat if you quit a shit team, no one (who matters) will get mad or make you go back.That means you can advocate for yourself, and if a reasonable shot at advocacy reveals that a coach isn’t just unfamiliar with how to do their job for someone with your disability but uninterested in doing their damn job for a disabled person, you can wave them farewell and find another.

Now, our goal is for you to find a good trainer, who just needs to be given information about what you (not someone with the ‘same’ condition, but you specifically) have got going on.

I’m going to tell you to look up an adult learn-to-skate program. Most rinks will have regular learn-to-skate and learn-to-hockey programs spaced throughout the year (often paired so you spend “first semester” on skating before the people who want to move up to hockey). Look up different rinks, talk to people about the rink culture and the coaches there. If you have the time, maybe spend a while hanging out there watching the open skates, local team practices or public classes, getting a sense what it’s like and telling yourself you have as much right to be in that barn as anyone else. Then sign up for a class. But first I want you to be devastatingly, Hepburn-ishly confident in talking about what your disability means for you.

From the information you’ve just given me, I don’t know almost anything I would need to work with you. You may or may not know that information about yourself already, but you can figure it out.

“Mild hemiplegia” is not a super-medical phrase. Hemiplegia is complete paralysis on one side of the body, where you are unable to move those muscles on purpose. A mild to moderate loss of muscle strength on one side is hemiparesis.

These terms are, to be honest, mostly used to organize medical literature. They describe very specific signs that might happen for a variety of reasons. Other symptoms like loss of sensation, loss of range of motion, involuntary muscle spasms, or loss/delay of involuntary motion (reflexes), which may or may not occur with plegia/paresis, have to be specified and described. If I were treating you I definitely wouldn’t describe your case as “hemiplegia”, I would call it “hemiparesis” with a lot more descriptive words around that (and I probably wouldn’t use either when talking to you).

It’s not that you used a word wrong. I’m concerned that 1. people have made you think you have to use A Medical Name for your disability for it to be taken seriously, but also 2. because the stroke happened so early, you’ve actually been denied care and opportunities to learn about it.

1. First, for the record, you don’t have to justify your disabled identity to me. And while I really (really) understand the self-protective urge a lot of us have to try to say, “my condition is really real and serious, it has a Real Medical Name, please believe me”, I think that (outside of a legal context where you’re seeking protected accommodations) that strategy often isn’t as useful as we hope it will be to communicate with other people in our daily lives. The people who demand to see your Really Medically Serious card before making accommodations will always find something else to demand, while people who aren’t trying to be assholes will be better able to help you if they know exactly, practically how.

It’s not that one way of talking about your disability is wrong, but I want you to talk about it in ways that are useful to you, that help you connect with other people and get you what you want.

2. I’ve worked with a lot of elders who have paralysis or hemiparesis from strokes later in life, after being able-bodied for most of their lives, and doctors and therapists jump right up in there teaching and training them to “recover” that “lost function”. They/their families can’t not know all the medical words just from hearing them over and over. But what often happens when a person is disabled since childhood is that…they aren’t seen as having “lost capacity” that can be “saved”, but as having a baseline “low level of function” that’ll never change, so much less attention is payed.

I’m using the air quotes because many people’s disabilities are present throughout their whole lives, and someone’s disability or disabled identity is not just a “problem” to be solved or gotten rid of. But people with disabilities grow and change, especially when we’re, you know, children. What often happens is that parents/authorities encourage able-bodied children to play, practicing motions and building up their bodies’ ability to move, while children with disabilities get benched from practice, benched from not just one activity but from being active at all, which means being benched from developing their bodies in the ways that might actually work for them, and from developing relationships with their bodies.

Proprioception, for example, is a combination of some fundamental ability/capacity/threshold/potential/whathaveyou and skill developed through experience that changes in context. Ever seen a baby? None of them know where the hell they are. A baby that can crawl is let loose to explore the world and bump into things that trigger their nerves until their body learns to fit all that sensation information together and use it. A baby that doesn’t crawl for some other reason often doesn’t get a chance to explore, to experience those sensations or train up that skill. And a kid that has a different threshold for stimulation, who naturally seeks out more or less or a different sort, is often stopped from stimming in ways which would provide their body information they could process.

As an adult, you get the chance to look at what you want to do and how your body can do it again.

So…

I want you to go throw a ball at a wall. Try to catch it. If you do any exercises already, sit-ups or pushups, do some of those. Run around the block, jump around on your bed. Stretch or just swing your arms and legs around. Find some small objects to use as weights and lift them, with either arm and then either leg (or set them on the floor and see if you can push them).

Work your way up your body one limb at a time, first thinking just about that limb on its own and then comparing the two sides after you’ve done them both. Don’t put a value judgement on anything yet, just pay attention: if your feet feel okay after running around, if you had more strength in one spot than you expected, if you had fun jumping, if there was a time you thought you might wobble but were able to correct, count that too! Think about each activity you did, the sensations around it, and whether that stim was satisfying, overstimulating, or not stimulating enough.

I want you to be able to go to a learn-to-play program, ask to talk with the coach at an appropriate time during the application or orientation, and say things like, “I have this condition. This is what it means: I have less strength with one arm, but I can move it as fast as the other, and with the same range of motion. I don’t grip items as well with one hand, or I tend to grip very hard. I don’t feel this type of sensation in this area, but I do feel that”.

Your coach is then going to recommend exercises to build strength in particular areas, or modifications to exercises so that you can do them without needing to use a particular area; they might have you try different equipment (find a tape job or adapted hand position that helps you keep hold of your stick, etc), and they may also encourage your towards and start training you for a particular position where you could do the most. When it comes to sensation, they’ll know to watch you closer for injuries in that spot that you might not notice.

This came in while I was applying to go back to university, and I bribed myself through the short essay section by pausing every hour to eat chocolate and sketch out what I would have you do for hypothetical positions and exercise plans. That’s still a long way off, but I’m very invested, so a couple things I want you to think about as you work towards the goal:

Keep sled hockey in mind. It’s not always a fit for people whose disability involves their arms, but it’s a cool community and most rinks will offer clinics where you can try out a sled and get a sense of the game.

How do you feel about getting hit with a puck? From your description, stickhandling and shooting may not be super fun for you. They may be, but if you give them a fair try and start to fee discouraged, try picturing yourself as a defender focussing on positioning or shot-blocking, or a goalie. Some people never ever want to do it, which is fair, but if you’re at all interested I’d love to see you try some time in goal! Everyone’s different but some folks the weight of the pads and the focused role can be really good stimulation. If your handling or footwork doesn’t feel great, goaltending would let you focus on moving your body more naturalistically as a whole to position in front of shots. And everyone else will love you for volunteering!

Write back and tell us how it goes!

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[ghostliied]

i honestly like you and think you would make a good friend except that the constant complaining about getting no attention is so intimidating and discouraging and exhausting. if we became friends would i have to constantly reassure you that you're liked and your stuff is good? or would i always feel not good enough and like it's my job to make sure you don't delete because you feel like nobody cares anyway?

Hi Anon. Before I even remotely begin to attack you, (as I believe as a human I should), I will ask you this. Are you happy? Does it make you feel better that you got it off your chest? Yes? 

Well, here, let me tell you how pathetic and how much of a inconsiderate coward you are. But before I begin with even that. I want you to unfollow me. Block me. and if not. Well you know what, fine by me. But message me again on anon I’m going to ask somebody to log onto this blog to deal with you. 

I really REALLY, did not fucking deserve to read this. Not like this. Not how you said it. 

And I will tell you why.

Feel free to read. Or not. I don’t care. But this is going to be a psa for anybody else who wants to read anyway.

But I’m not going to make this dash suffer. I’ll put a read more. tag the triggers. and tell you of the warnings beforehand.

But before I do, please do fucking tell me. Are we mutuals? Do I follow you? Cause if I do. I don’t want to follow you. I don’t even care if I admire you at this point. I dont want to follow and admire somebody who says this. I dont even care if you have social anxiety or what have you. I did not deserve this. 

TW: drama, hate, unpopular opinion, swearing, caps lock.

First of all. Fuck you. You’re an asshole.

If you liked me, then you would wouldn’t have said this. Not like this. and definitely not under anon. 

another thing. If you like me. THEN YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS WRONG AND 

IS A FUCKING ASSUMPTION.

Get the fuck out with your shitty assumptions.

I have an open communication policy for all of my FOLLOWERS. Not just mutuals. Do I have a preference over mutuals? yes. Of course I do. But that does not mean i ignore people. I have honestly never ever fucking done that and will continue TO NOT DO THAT. I dont even ignore the people I blacklist let alone try to cut off from my life. Do I stop talking to them? yea. But I dont fucking blatantly ignore people. even if they are assholes.

No you don’t like me. And if we were friends IF WE WERE FRIENDS 

You wouldn’t have to hear about complaining or whining or bitching. Are you in a server of mine? Am I in yours? Yes? No? maybe? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!!!  well. YOU DO APPARENTLY. cause you sent the fucking ask like a shitty coward. 

No, we wouldn’t be friends. Why would I want somebody like that.

Another thing. And you can ask anybody who talks to me. I don’t actively seek attention. I never EVER ask for reassurance. Now. Did I just go and show and tell two friends about you and what you said? Oh of course. why two friends and not like lets say other people I talk about? Because i only ever (semi)fully explained and ranted to two people about this issue and those two people only. Like I have people I talk to. I have talked to many people about our muses. I could name them right now honestly. but from all of those people. There are not many people that I go and physically go to and ask for help. I dont. That’s not who I am. I don’t complain and whine to a lot of people. I fangirl and scream happily to other people. 

But I never ever EVER bring negativity to my friends’ dms unless i trust them and/or explicitly ask them if i can rant to them.

Why? because THAT IS WHO I AM. I chose to suffer in silence. 

I dont have many irl friends. Especially not thought that I can trust to cry about. No. I have always been strong for others. Both irl and online. I can tell you the poeple who i trust enough to actually cry and be depressed to. And I can tell you that they can all be listed on one hand. But I can also tell you that even then. EVEN THEN I don’t tell them about even my WORST emotions that I have. 

I would tell you right now, but naw, you dont fucking deserve that. If I said it I would say ONLY to tell my followers. and maybe thats what you all need to fucking realise. That I’m fucking human. I’m not perfect. And behind this fucking computer I have to deal with the emotional struggle and abuse EVERY. SINGLE DAY. And I have been since high school.

I have a chronic cough from the stress I put myself through. because I internlise everything. and you think that me ‘crying’ about getting no attention is intimidating? well jesus fucking christ if thats the case then I cant even imagine how you would feel if I listed everything that has ever happened to me. No but that’s in the past. If I even tell you what stuggle I have to deal with RIGHT NOW, you would be like ‘shit man, okay maybe it’s not so bad that you’re complaining.’

I don’t go and look for professional help. I should but I can’t. I dont have the money.

But that’s not the fucking point now is it. Oh fuck no. ITS FUCKING NOT.

the PROBLEM IS THAT YOU FUCKING CAME TO MY INBOX. YOU CAME TO MY INBOX ON ANON. like the fucking coward you are. IT wouldn’t have been a problem if you came to me as a human. No. I have to post tis publically for everybody to see because thats waht YOU did.  and was even more terrifying is that I have a second anon asking about an IC thing and it makes me NOT want to answer it BECAUSE I feel like its you. But I know better. and I will happily take that other ask cause its a HC ask and I want to get to that. But no, I wont today BECAUSE OF YOU.

mOVING THE FUCK ALONG IN THIS HATE FUELED REPLY.

You think i would be good friend? You think? Lmao. LMAOOO Alright. Well feel free to ask the people i DO interact with and talk to. Anybody who is my friend would tell you that i AM a good friend. I mean well for those i care about and i put my heart in my sleeve for them. And honestly anybody who IS my friend has seen that i DO put in the effort to be active FOR them. You may not even see if cause i dont post it. But for my friends?? I give them content they deserve. I talk to somebody every single day about our muses. If you fucking asked me how much ive devoloped and plotted. I would give you 30 pages of shit for A SINGLE AU thay ive talked about.

I send asks to the people i care about. I also send asks every now and again to those who i dont talk to cause yea i do know what it feels like to not get asks. I may not be fucking active here. But its not that im not active. Its just that i see no motivation in it.

Its a fucking hassle and chore to refresh my dash to see nothing happening. Ive opened my ims and inbox for anybody to plot. Ive gone to countless people okay?? And I go to them to ask to send things or to reply to something. And okay i fucking get it. We are all busy.

Sometimes it takes a while to respond. But that’s not why I’m fucking angry. 

THATS NOT WHY IM PISSED.

When i fucking write for hours upon hours headcanons, drabbles, answers and asks. Just those alone. And to see that NOBODY says anything about it?

Somebody once told me. We are reciprocal creatures at heart. And even if we say we dont expect much response. It feels good to get a reaponse. Its nice to see that people are reading what you write and reacting to the things you make.

And holy shit there is only ONE person that i know of that actually reacts to what i post. Wait i take that back. I have TWO PEOPLE that react to what i post. That react to 90 percent of what i post. With an occasional third or fourth. But its THESE people that i talk to. That dint deserve me deleting my blog.

And its these people that will fucking tell you that i very rarely bitch and complain about not being wanted. Because it is THESE people that i spend my days plotting and going on about what if intereactions.

If you really wanted to know me and be my friend. You would realise that i simply just want to talk about my muses. I AM NOT ONE FOR SMALL TALK. Talking about feelings is hard for me.

Why I dont personally understand is HOW CAN A FEMALE OC LIKE MIMI GET BLATANTLY IGNORED. AND YET WHEN I GO TO A MALE MUSE??? EVERYBODY?? WANTS TO??? FUCKING??? INTERACT???

that’s not fucking fair. And if you honestly wanted to understand my point you wouldn’t come to be like the shitty little coward you are right now. You would ask why I feel that way. Why ANYBODY would feel that way. But naw. You directly attack me. I showed some friends this ask cause I was visibly upset and one of them literally said:

That is not how you address this issue.

If we became friends. IF WE FUCKING BECAME FRIENDS??

yOU WOULDN’T??? HAVE TO??? REASSURE ME OF ANYTHING????

what fucking drugs are you high on?Get the fuck out of here.

Any person who fucking knows me would know that i ALWAYS fucking PUT MYSELF OUT THERE FOR THEM. I have time and TIME AGAIN run to those who were upset and down. 

Get this fucking in your head right now anon.

I AM THE FUCKING ONE TO REASSURE PEOPLE.I DON’T LOOK OR ACTIVELY SEEK OUT REASSURANCE.

I already get my validation from the people I fucking care about. I got my validation yesterday when my submission was published. I get my validation from my FRIEND ON FUCKING DISCORD WHEN SHE MESSESGES ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Holy fucking shit I GOT MY VALIDATION THE DAY I MADE THIS FUCKING!!!! BLOG!!!! FROM A VETERAN OF THE RPC!!!!

I don’t need your fucking validation for fucking shit.

But again not the point.

and not the fucking point as to why I even remotely posted ANYTHING about how nobody pays attention to me.

But you know what. Here is my fucking 2 cents on this. I believe that a majority of the Pokemon RPC doesn’t give a damn about me BECAUSE NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING TO ME OTHERWISE.

Again I’m not talking about everybody. IM TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING COMMUNITY. 

And I really REALLY don’t need to bring up names to fucking bring my case to point. it’s just fucking FACT. 

Me as a mun? honestly I don’t give a damn. Sometimes I kinda wish to remain anonymous or aloof. But Mimi? cause thats the point of me ever bringing up anything anyway?? Mimi????

She gets very VERY little traction. Course there’s a few interactions here and there. But I cannot say that I can ACTIVELY post some quality IC shit or HC shit every day CAUSE AGAIN i DON’T SEE ANY FUCKING POINT. 

A psa that I reblooged so fast one time furhter proves my point. 

I will link it here for your pathetic and lazy ass if you want.

don’t wanna click then here. allow me to EMPHASISE ON WHAT WAS SAID.

the way the rpc treats female muses & female ocs is DISGUSTING.

allow me to repeat it if I havent made it obvious. 

the way the rpc treats female muses & female ocs is 

D I S G U S T I N G.

THATS why i fucking posted anything.

I didn’t post to make people feel sorry for me. I made it a post to show you HOW FRUSTRATED I AM WITH THE FUCKING SHITTY COMMUNITY.

And allow me to reiterate. Its not the people in the community. IT IS THE FUCKING COMMUNITY IN GENERAL. It is what we make the community. 

And honestly im not trying to fucking attack anybody here. I just cannot stand what the RPC fucking is right now. 

And the fact that I’m pulling AT FUCKING TEETH to get any interaction is sad.

I don’t try to make myself fucking intimidating.

I said this to a friend as a rant this morning BEFORE YOU FUCKING SHOWED UP IN MY FUCKING INBOX. and I TOLD them i was ranting i wasn’t expecting anything aside from them to listen because i had to get it off my fucking chest.

dilectam Today at 09:59

so. can you tell me what the fuck im doig wrong then??? like people and their sorry fucking asses are like oh we are picky with OCs they have to be well developed and have a backstory and blah blah blah or something like I dont fllow or interact with OCs that have very little info on them and yet WHEN I FUCKING POST AND WRITE AND YELL ABOUT THIS FUCKING BITCH NOBODY LITERALLY NOBODY (except for like you and [redacted]) FUCKING SENDS ME ANYTHING. ITS LIKE I AM FUCKING TRYING TO PULL OUT TEETH WHEVER I REBLOG A MEME. I haven't gotten any asks iN WEEKS. like look at my fucking inbox.

[image of the THEN empty inbox]

NOTHING IVE BEEN STARING AT IT FOR DAYSnot done

dilectam Today at 10:00

And then when i go to try to do replies, which, of course i have some, I CANT FUCKING PULL OUT THE FUCKING MUSE CAUSE A: THE THREAD HAS BEEN FESTERING AND ITS OLDB: THE THREAD IS LONG AND I DONT WANT TO REPLY TO A LONG REPLY CAUSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM BURNT OUT I CANT WRITE.but no. I send asks. I send memes. I do dash comms. I do start calls. I do inbox calls. like

IshouldnotfuckingbebeggingTO GET FUCKING INTERACTIONS.

and then to make matters worse. [REDACTED BECAUSE PERSONAL INFO THAT IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING SHARE WITH YOU]. and when i WHEN I ASKED PEOPLE if i should do commissions you know what happened? nothing. just you liking it. I DIDNT FUCKING ASK IF I SHOULD DO FUCKING COMMISSIONS CAUSE ITS FUN. i hate asking people for money. I want to draw whenever i want for my friends whenever i want without taking their money.but no i get no replies.

and thenAND THENt make fucking matters worse.CAUSE IT GETS WORSE.

Mimi's birthday is coming up soon. and im honestly fucking terrified. I'm kinda starting to cry now about it. [redacted] I'm terrified that her birthday is gonna come and its gonna be like what happened on MY brithday even though i posted about it

I get fucking one ask that wishes her a happy birf.

I'm tired. like I have considered of deleted. not leaving. ACTUALLY DELETING the blog cause likeits fucking depressing and pathetic

sorry i'll stop now but i feel so undervalued and underapprciated i feel like I've i disappeared again, nobody would fcking message me or ask

wanna know why i fucking ranted? because f THIS FUCKING PICTURE.

What is this picture? THIS PICTURE REPRESENTS JUST THE HEADCANONS I HAVE FOR THIS BLOG that ARE LOCATED HERE.

27 pages.

single spaced

times new roman

font 12

wanna know who actually read them?

well aside from many of them having 0 notes.

THE SAME 3-5 PEOPLE LIKED THEM.

which honestly is fine. I don’t mind. But what I am not fucking comfortable with is the fact that aside from those people (only 2 of which i actively either ploit or interact with IC) I have nothing going for me. NOTHING.

Nobody comes in to ask about headcanons.

Nobody fucking asks about why mimi did what she did.

nobody even bothers with me.

and I say nobody losely because OF THE PEOPLE WHO ACTIVELY POST, THE PEOPLE SENDING ME THINGS ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ACTIVE.

holy fucking shit its a plot twist.

Hahahaha fuck you anon. 

Another thing. If you knew me.

You know know i never EVER fucking delete. Even the blog where shit happened last year, I just abandoned. Why the fuck would I delete 27+ pages of good quality content. Nevermind the bio. the bio alone is 14 pages. 

But you had the NERVE to fucking say that youre scared of me deleting??? like its assholes like you that make me want to delete.

and honey. I would never say you’re not good enough. just talking to me about our muses is all i fucking ask. if anything YOU find yourself not good enough. and that’s fucking sad. because if I knew who you were. like if you actually took the time to sit down with me to talk to me like a human. You would realise that you are more than enough.

Another thing before I fucking end this rant. cause I jsut randomly got SUPER FUCKING ANGRY AGAIN.

You would have never sent this to my other 2 blogs. why? Because I wouldn’t have posted it on the other blogs. BECAUSE I DONT FIND THIS PROBLEM ON MY OTHER BLOGS. why? because they are both male blogs.

So get your misogynist ass out of here. Fucking trash.

[lifestoryparty]

When I finally wrote this

been watching heroes for a bit, this ep was a bit to intense, haha. it was sad. anyways, i finally might get to writing more of my life story. I havent ever written about this part of my life, and honestly the only thing ive got left anymore might be old messages and a poem I wrote a long time ago to do with this period, thats it. Maybe I didnt write about it because to write about it was to let it go, to write about it was to accept things for what it was, maybe I was afraid shed see it, I honestly cant remember because I know for a long time after I did everything I humanly could to forget because remembering hurt far to much. The day me and Moo Moo broke up I didnt honestly believe it was over, we always made up and made it work, she was loyal and mine and we pushed through everything together. I believed she would never leave. I literally believed that she wouldnt ever go, she’d always be there. That was during a time that I had really never been hurt to that extreme before, I actually trusted her with all my heart, and I mean with everything, she was a good person, she had been through so much already, dealt with me at my worst, dealt with all the craziness like with drake and meds and crying in the shower, attempted suicide, she knew me in and out more than anyone really did at that time. I dont know if i was friends friends with tompkins or not yet but even he didnt know me like that. So yeah i didnt believe it when she said it. well the next day came around and there was no messages saying she wanted me back or was sorry, there wasnt anything. so I messaged her and she said it was really over. so I started to panic a little and was like no, I need you, I love you, and I really really started to realize it recently what you really meant to me, I wanted to do a special thing for you on valentines day, etc. but she completely wouldnt take it. She gave me the reasons she gave on that last blog i sent, and I said I could change and Id do anything for her but she said it was to late. well finally I asked if it was lucas, and she admitted it was, she admitted to hanging out with him and just talking to him for hrs in his dorm room. she said nothing happened, but she felt things with him she hadnt felt with me in a really long time. She felt like they connected and he deserved a chance. I was upset, I felt like i’d been the one with her all this time, why does he deserve a chance? dont I get a chance to prove I can change? she didnt even give me that, she just let me go…Well from there, it was back and forth for a while trying to beg for her back, but she wouldnt allow it. I would go in to our public speaking class and stare at her, sorta small talk, but not really saying anything. it freaked me out, scared me. How we could have been so close to nothing at all. She still wore my promise ring every day and it confused me. The pain in me started growing worse and worse and I was starting to lose it. I started having panic attacks off and on, i’d lie in my bed in the dark listening to dark depressing music, or music that reminded me of her. I’d scream in to the blankets, punch the walls, cry, I would curse at god for letting it happen, i’d beg him to let me have her back but nothing changed. My dad tried to explain what I was going to go through and what i’d have to do. He tried to get me to promise not to do anything drastic but he couldnt have prepared me in the least to how I was going to feel. Every day that i’d wake up i’d be completely numb, it was just pain to the point of losing my mind. Every day felt like a blur, I always had goosebumps, i’d replay every moment that I could remember in my head over and over. I couldnt see the world around me, it was all slow motion and so very cold. I could barely do school. I wasnt there in my head. my grades started dropping, I was failing math, but I didnt care about anything, she was all I had keeping me going through what was already hell, she was my strength through the court stuff with drake and what it caused, and now I felt like I had no one. When it came to my class with her I wouldnt do any of the presentations in front of the class, i did them in front of my teacher for a lesser grade. I couldnt face her anymore, I loved her still even through the pain, I couldnt stop, I couldnt let it go. My mom would try to talk to me and get me out but mostly I just stayed home and dwelled in it. The darkness in my heart only grew as i layed in my room listening to music as I would be in and out of a dream state as I replayed the memories. I couldnt tell much from reality anymore, as far as I knew I was already in hell. I thought from time to time about how I could go find this guy and hurt him. I thought about cutting his face and making him ugly. I thought about beating him down with a bat. I was seriously going crazy and I didnt care anymore. Sometimes I wanted revenge on her, I wanted her to hurt just as much as me. I wanted to do things to her so she couldnt pain anymore, so she couldnt do what she loved. but I knew i shouldnt do any of these things and that I was just severely broken after already going through so much. I had no one to really go to, it was just me falling apart in my head. I thought about suicide so many times. I didnt see what the point of living was anymore. Her friend that I flirted with, well she started asking about everything and I would talk to her about how I felt, and shes sort of the reason I wrote out my life story. It helped get some of the pain out. The few things I wrote to do with after the relationship were these things: Me and the girl I was with for two years have finally broken up much to my dismay, it came expectedly but in a I didn’t believe it till it happened way. First year I feel like for some people isn’t to bad, everythings fresh and new, kind of learning experience, but after some time, that kind of dies down, you have to kind of work at it in whats best for the both of you. Temptations will come your way, its to be expected, sometimes you just lose the feeling, or just plain boredom. Dont make the mistake of falling in to temptation, especially if you care for who you are with, it does nothing but hurt the both of you in the end. taking antidepressants can either hurt or hinder your relationship in different ways, it can either help or hurt you when trying to have sex, it can make your personality change for the worse, or make you feel nothing for your partner. Just depends on how your body accepts it. I fell in to temptation but chose her in the end and dealt with personal pain for 3 monthes. Meds didnt work out for me, but prozac was amazing for sex. I dealt with trouble trying to get used to being off the meds and figuring out what I want. It was a big issue for a while and by the time I really knew what I wanted it was too late. Which I learned that even good people can lie and hurt you. I learned many small things and know what to look for in the future if it ever came to it, but I learned to love and accept someone for who they were despite the flaws and not a total click in personality. I was actually going to propose after feeling this, cause I loved before, but this was something different, its like I let go of my self completely and it was just a constant flow of happy and love and want to do anything and change if need be, it was the most extreme feeling ever, it was like how i felt the first year, but, way deeper and meaningful, like i knew for sure this is who I wanted to be with. Next thing of course is if you ever see your partner acting a little strange, find out why as soon as possible. One of the worst feelings though is heartbreak. For me, it seems to have changed me in a way, It forced me to grow up and change and to not expect things to always work out, which even now I continue to do so because I havent accepted things for what they are. Knowing friends I know love can destroy people and wreck their lives, but for others its a fresh start, a new beginning, or just a learning experience. Sometimes you need to let go of that certain someone to let them figure out what they want, it may or may not work out for you in the end, but sticking together wont make things better in all cases. I personally hurt like hell at a constant rate and it comes and goes, i’m trying to be supportive, but it hurts knowing where my heart is and the hope of her realizing that things arent always better on the other side of things..All I can do is wait and see what happens but on the other end of things I’ll have to keep on the look out of other people, but I dont believe that things will ever be like it was with her… so I wear your clothes when I miss you the most everywhere I go I see your ghost, what should I do, what should I do? I was on cloud 9 till you let me fall now i’m just trying to put my feet on the ground, but your voice is the only sound. How can we be friends when your loving him? Don’t you feel like you committed the biggest sin? In the end, what should I do, what should I do? You’re still everything my heart desires, and every day my body feels like its on fire, The only thing that cools me down are the tears that fall from my face and to the ground. What should I do, what should I do when i’m missing you? I hope one day maybe you’ll see that i’m the one that you can believe, but right now thats all I can do is wait for you. Do you remember how it felt to want to kiss me at the park? Do you remember the first time you wanted to hold me close, do you remember those urges you held inside until one day I finally decided? Do you remember our first date and the kiss that followed? The sheetz run and talking with my mom before we let you go? Do you remember how it felt when everyone asked if were together, that we looked so good for each other? Do you remember the storys we used to share while I played with your hair? Do you remember the days at the park were we started to bond, one of our first pictures there was under the sun. Do you remember getting high and feeling so great, and all the damn pizza that we ate? Do you remember when you didnt know how to kiss, and I showed you how to do it just like this? Do you remember how we spent every day after school together, no matter what work we had or the weather? Do you remember how I could never decide which side I wanted to hold your hand and sit with you during movies? Do you remember when I asked if you were ok with this, before I put my hand in your shirt and felt your chest. Do you remember the heat of your face when repeatedly you had my lips to taste? Do you remember the first time we “touched” and we were so scared? I made sure that you knew that I cared. Do you remember prom and what I wanted it to be? it ended up perfect dont you see? Do you remember how we danced the night away, and the breaths in my chest seemed to never stay. Do you remember my eyes as you looked in to them, as we experienced the moment that I put myself in? Do you remember the feeling of things being more perfect than they’d ever been? Do you remember the sensation you felt that night, us being one while I was inside. Do you remember the weekends that i’d come around, even in the snow from my house to yours? Do you remember the passion that we shared, from the stairs to your bed, over and over again? Do you remember how happy you were and how you couldnt get enough, before we knew it, we were truly in love? I remember it all and will continue to, I will remember how you would say I luff you. I will remember how you would tell me to pick you up and hold, how I would kiss your face, almost every day. I will remember the hard times we pushed through, and the cold days i’d work to get a present for you. I remember the talks we’d have, and the scary moments we pulled together through. What I know is i’ll continue to miss and love you and thats one thing that is true, I know its true love cause I still want to be with you. I love you and I’m thinking about you constantly, i’m sorry I cant talk to much right now, but words cant touch what i’m going through. Trust me i’d do anything to be with you. 12:43am I didnt want anything with her friend, but I needed someone to get me through the pain. Tompkins and I started hanging out with more and more, and we’d go on all those long walks I told you about, well on those walks i’d tell him about my entire life, and I started talking to him about what I was going through, we got closer and closer over time and he started becoming my best friend. It still didnt wipe away the pain. I started smoking pot from my usual once a week to every single day. I’d go to my friendsansons  and smoke with my friends heavily. i’m talking 2 or more blunts a day. I just wanted to escape my hellish world, and since that next semester started I only took 2 classes instead of 5 because my depression was so heavy and bad I couldnt do more than that. well I had all this free time so i’d spent lots of time getting completely fucked up all the time. I just couldnt handle the pain.  Well I later decided to take shrooms, and it wasnt a high amount, so i just felt sorta confused coming up, and it hit me in waves and i just felt really high with a euphoria, but no visuals really. I tried acid and it was a low dose to, and i barely felt much, it just felt like every time id go in to a different room my mind would change, but it was wayyy weaker than stuff i’ve taken. I did dmt 2 more times and just partied a lot, i really just stopped caring about anything anymore, i’d pretty much given up on myself. I took all kinds of risks all the time, i just felt manic depressive, i had just run wild. I drove high, I went caving, I went on rides, I did all this stupid shit that could have killed me or sent me to jail. Nothing seemed to be changing to much other than Moo Moo and Lukas were official and they were only getting closer, it had been a few months now, closing in to summer, and the pain was still there, I still loved her and was also hating her at the same time. I dont know why I couldnt let go but even my mom noticed that I still couldnt. Well I had talked to a lot of girls but they were all horrible, and not to mention you sorta just compare everyone to that first love it felt like. finally dylans and smith, who were dating got their friend Crazy to come over. well, we started talking, but she was really weird. I couldnt quite feel attracted to her even though she was nice and filled my lonliness a bit. we made out and stuff but she would let me fool around with her, or even touch her back which was weird. finally i let her go cause i just didnt like her. well finally the summer came and i started talking to this redhead clark. I finally felt like i’d met a good girl and we went for coffee and talked for a while. I also started working at ollies finally, which was really hard cause i had to work night shift every night. it was pure labor and it was hell. I hated it so much and i never had a life, and i slept all day, worked all night, and got fucked up when I could to escape. over that summer I was mostly sober due to working and everything i had been trying to escape from for so long was just flooding back in, like i had barely been a month away from the break up. I’d go in to the bathroom having panic attacks and cry, i really thought i was going crazy. not only that but the stuff with drake would haunt me over and over. I know i had asked for help, but the only counselor i was able to see was a preacher and i wasnt opening up to them. The pure hell and pain I kept suffering no one should ever have felt, but i couldnt escape it, and i had grown so far used to getting fucked up off anything i could all the time. I kinda felt when i’d smoke i was more creative so I wrote more, I made a tumblr as an escape. It felt like my writing meant something and people liked it and followed it and commented on it. The more I stayed in this drug and pain world the more i distanced myself from reality and human interaction. I didnt feel like I knew how to talk to people anymore, I distrusted people because of her, and drake, and I hated to be around people. Well the girl Clark didnt want me so my heart was just hurt again. it seemed no one wanted to be with me no matter how many people I looked for love in. Me and big boobs were also becoming closer friends and she told me that her and lukas were apparently having sex now, which she told me she never would when they first were together. I felt sick, I felt like she had finally crossed the line of no return with me. As I drove home I wanted to throw up, I imagined them fucking each other, it hurt so much, i felt betrayed, like that was our thing that we shared together and she ruined the purity of what we shared. I wanted to run my car in to whatever i could, but I went home and cried myself to sleep. I felt no more love after that. just bitterness. So I got drunk and talked to an ex and drove to her house and fucked her. I didnt feel anything for her, i just fucked her and left. I didnt talk to her for a week, but she asked and I told her I cared for her as a friend but i didnt feel anything but i’d still do that with her, and she i feel like actually cared, but she was lonely to so she was ok with that, so I came by just one more time to do that. For some reason being she was the second person I had sex with it made me feel horribly guilty. In some sense I felt like I betrayed Moo Moo even though I was done with that in my head 12:58am I was told about having a court date in the future where i’d finally have to testify against drake about what he did to me, im sorta lost and confused on when all this happened so im piecing it together and how I feel like it was. I finally became friend with Ohl. well, over the summer we sorta both were going through the same painful feelings of a first love break up, for him it had been over a year and he was still going through it. for me it had been about 6 monthes. we connected on what that was like for us. we’d drink and share music and he’d play guitar, play games with me, play pokemon and smash bros. he started coming over a lot and staying the night. I had finally found someone who understood and I could connect with after so much hell. We started hiking all the time, we’d do crazy adventurous things, we camped once, he stole a bunch of cigs, we took ecstasy twice together, we drove drunk once, we’d go to hookah really fucked up a few times, we were a team who matched really well but probably were the worst things for each other in a sense, we both just didnt care cause of the pain we were in. Well, this is also another secret i really havent told anyone, but I had a 3 some with him an this lady who was married. we both had planned on it for a month and got high and finally did, it was really awkward, but a huge thrill. Finally we met jones, that girl u met at the art show whos dating james, well me and her started talking and hanging out at the college a lot, well, she sorta led me on some, and i got Ohl talking to her friend robin. we would go to guys and dolls which my god was redneck and ghetto trash central, and i almost got in a fight there. well we played pool and went out on the town a few times. We also smoked pot with the owner of guys and dolls. well one day we stayed the night at her house and stayed up all night, i drove so deleriously to school that i almost wrecked. well My bro started dating Hope. they had dated like 2 or 3 days, and my mom let her stay the night, well me and Ohl got really drunk and ate mcdonalds and tried to get people to come over, well they didnt, so we asked lauren and robin to come over. well they finally did, they only had a few shots and Jones took her clothes off and was walking around my house naked, well we took her downstairs cause my dad was coming home. my bro and Hope were upstairs just cuddling, and i had met her earlier, well Jones jumped on me and started taking my clothes off and wanted to have a 3 some, but then she was like i have to tell u something, i fucked some guy before i came over. well, that hurt, a lot, i really liked Jones and i had been getting close to her and it made me mad. well i finally just agreed to a 3some cause after that i wasnt going to talk to her anymore. well she got naked, but she wouldnt let me or Sanson fuck her, she made daniel go upstairs and so me and Sanson fingered her, well, she liked when i did it better and said she i was really good at it, derrik not so much, well she jerked us off and in the middle of it we could hear my dad come in. well Ohl and robin were naked on the couch, but my dad was so wasted he fell asleep upstairs. 1:04am Well robin and Ohl started fucking in my bathroom and she was moaning so obnoxiously and fakely loud we started laughing downstairs. My sister knocked on the door asking to use tha bathroom, and she knew they were fucking. well we all laughed about it later and we all fell asleep. after that i made Jones leave the next day and never talked to her again. i was really hurt and just so sick of girls. well me and ohl and my friend Christian hung out alot and got drunk at my house a lot and played games and all got close. after a while wound up talking to my ex Mexico and she was all like im done with this shitty guy blah blah, but then he found out i was trying to get back with her and made that stop, and then she just disappeared. well my brother and Hope had broke up so i asked if it was ok if i talked to her cause i was attracted to her and it didnt go anywhere with them and he said sure, so i started talking to her and we sorta clicked in some ways because she was wanting all the same things as me and we were both lonely and stuff. well. thats a story for another night I feel like i’ve left enough for you.

[21yroldmeesh]

back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L 

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience.  i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later 

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL 

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point. 

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now. 

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l 

and hes like a super big gentleman 

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted. 

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that. 

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs 

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21