#ive never considered myself righteous

[minuseyes]

.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

does jesus christ mean anything to you/in your worldview/cosmology? curious since, you talk a lot lately about going to church, and draw on the bible ofc, but never mentioned christ in particular, that ive seen.

your work has meant a lot to me btw, thank you. wishing you well.

hi anonymous; i:ve mentioned christ plenty -- in my church notes, in my religious writing, in these asks;

sometimes more subtly than others, because part of christian ideal is son=father=ghost, and it:s hard to reference one of those parts without also needing an unsaid inclusion of the other two; sometimes more overtly: i do not consider myself a christian because i do not believe christ offers salvation for left-handed persons, or that any biblical reference to christ and salvation offered to those righteous at That hand of Lord God has any-thing to do with the left-handed; that when-ever mention in bible covers those heavenly peoples it is explicitly referencing those peoples who are "the word made flesh," mixed here in earthy mistakes--these are the righteous that are saved, and in the shadow of this mentioned group, are those of the earthy origin made spirited by a mistaken spirit: these of the unmentioned hand; secrets of buried earth; the kingdoms of earth; the children of herod; the shadows crept up in the great manse of herod and those who choked in baptism Gerasene at a minor second deluge offered by Christ to that flock of pigs;

these earthy things will be baptised in truth by fire in second death and their customs and mysteries are bespoke to them by earth, and spoken-to by earthy thing Underground: the left-over of hot kiln leaving bone-dry and clean ash to be used as baptism for these people, dry in solemn acknowledgment of the waters of Gerasene that Christ offers these children; solemn acknowledgment of the kiln of earth from which they were cast and the fires outside that will smoke their spirits in second, final, death: Annihilation;

christ as figure, to communication, is variable here in name and inclusion; for greater explanation: christ is a created context by the abstract intelligences; true as any, and illusory as any, but the creating pattern through which christ were Exist are exact what Christ is; a promise of subsumation for the hand righteous and how-ever many splinters fell from that hand; and in the shadow of that Christly pattern: a promise of annihilation for the hand invisible and how-ever many fewer splinters fell from that hand; the lord body god from which both hands connect loves these equal as the body shan't hate its parts, but the pattern and abstraction is biased in its creation of Context and the Word, the Bible, are all of the context bias; take care.

[nicolespeaks]

It's like he gets pissed at me for not being over anything, for beating him down, but he feels so guilty for her he takes shrooms with her, considers her feelings, has sex with her because he feels bad, and he tells me it's not that bad? No what I did was bad but doesn't he realize why I was like that? How he was treating the whole thing? He says I'm too much and crazy yet she's over here being completely delusional on her Twitter and he's okay with that? How does that tell that he loves me, he cares for me? Why does she get the better treatment, when I literally acted like her cause he lets her do whatever she wants. He thinks I wanted to be like this? No. Being myself with him would just get me hurt and I needed justice for myself.

Doesn't he realize how unfair he is? I can't fuck anyone without a condom but he can, cause he has a dick? He can go into an entire relationship with them, feel guilty for them, take shrooms with them, but I can't ever fuck these guys?

I keep trying to find a way to make him understand but he has proven he doesn't, or he doesn't care.

We are not equals, and I'm self righteous for thinking I'm better. Yet he doesn't understand I respect him so much that I will do anything to make me the bad person. He doesn't understand that people won't give him the patience or consideration that I've given him for the shit he's done.

He wants to talk to her and pull away from her slowly and I can't interfere cause he has to do it his way. I try to get my independence, understand why people like him and her do this, and I'm the fucking bitch.

If he understood me at all he would know how much I love him to do this for him. How in order to have him, keep him in my life, I have to do crazy shit because I cannot be better than him. And that's my fucked up mindset. That's what I had to believe to survive my childhood, to survive my trauma and pain. He adds to it but it's my fault, and when I try to take responsibility, do the right thing, he rejects it. He rejects me.

We have only gotten this far by my resilience, not his.

I act out of fear because he acts out of fear. I try to act out of just and right and he rejects that. If he chooses to do something that is less painful, knowing it will hurt me, why can't I do the same? If he can follow his fucked up mindset of lying to me, getting in a relationship with her, doing shrooms with her and fucking her afterwards to make up for his panic attack, why can't I fuck other people to deal with my pain, so that I can be with him?

He fuels me to do wrong by saying if he has to hear about this in Atlanta he's done. Ive stopped myself from doing wrong because I know it gets no results, but when did he ever stop himself? When I stopped myself so many times when did he ever? And I'm the fucked up one for that? I'm the bad one? Does he see why I do things, his role in all of this? Doesn't he understand that I always talk about us because there's core issues at hand that I'm not okay with? But I'm the difficult one, I never let things go. What has he let go of? Not dean. Not matt. No john or Ethan or Markus. So why do I have to let go of the literally fucking trauma he's caused me, just because he doesn't want to deal with his problems?

It's unfair. I try so hard to find justice for myself. I try so hard to forgive forget and move on, but what do I get in return? Why would I accept that for myself? Because he does? For why? Out of fear? If he truly wanted me he wouldn't have done the things he did, and if he wants to justify it in any way then he can't come down on me for doing the exact same thing.

I've learned how to fuck up by him. I copy peoples mistakes, the ways they've hurt me. I give it back to them and let them know and understand what it feels like to be me, but god I'm the bad one for doing so. That's the fucking point.

There are so many things I want to tell you, but I know not to.

You have been inconsistent, inconsiderate, dishonest,and unfair to me. You already know this, you probably defend it. You don't follow your own philosophies, especially when it comes to me, and I only try to make you see and understand that.

You don't understand that I do exactly what you do to me. Sex is just sex? Then why can't I have sex, why is it bad if I cum, why is it bad for me to want sex with someone other that you? Because we're not having sex? Is that how you value our sex? And if I have sex with someone else, you feel insecure and invalid? Do you not understand that is what you did to me, that is how I feel. yet you reject my perspective and go on about the differences in males and females.

You were mad at me for texting dean, smiling and laughing. You say you're confused by my true thoughts and feelings, that from the texts it sounds like I was in love with dean. You say you may have done stuff but you never lost your feelings for me and you always knew what you wanted. Then were those lies to tiny? Did you not say all those things to her? Were those your true thoughts and feelings or was it just conversation, were you just pretending? Don't you know I have to separate myself completely from you in order to have feelings for someone else? Is that not what you did with her?

You say I didn't follow the rules, I always went back on my word. Well I felt like it was a little ridiculous being considerate of you when you weren't considerate of me. Youve always lied. You've always hidden things from me. I at least told you up front, even when you found out, but you always lied and hid the truth. I was punished for going back on my word, lying, hiding things from you, but you never stopped lying yourself. You never understood not to do that again and I trusted you to have learned your lesson. Don't you think I hid and lied because that's what you did to me?

I went to dean because he was someone who made me feel happy and understood. He was the closet person to me that I could use to set an example. I was never to fuck him again, I should know that? But didn't you know never to speak to her again, fuck her again, lie to me again? You did it because you felt bad? That justifies it, makes you righteous? I did it to feel happy, I did it to desensitize myself from the pain, to understand how you felt and why you did it, even if you loved me while.

You would've never told me you fucked her, did shrooms with her, met up with her, talked to her. You say I make up my own perspective and I don't think about the reality of things, that they're not that bad? Then why is it bad when I do the same thing? If it's that bad to me, why cant I feel that way? You want me to always move on from the pain you've caused me, you think it all stops the day it comes out, but no, it never stops, and how you treat everything makes it worse.

You're mad at me for going to John's house while you were at your family's. Didn't you call tiny while you were sick, whenever you went out, while I was at home having panic attacks and keeping myself from calling and texting you, trying to trust you, and then eventually trusting you only to prove myself right, I can't. You said all those pictures were ruined, yet are upset at me for wanting to forget the song I wrote for your birthday when you told her you were sick on your birthday, probably reading the tweet later on.

He never seem to understand how much your hurt is, how long it lasts. You think that I should be past it because you've shoved it down and have more important things going on. I have responsibilities too, and this have taken over my life. It's pain, it's trauma, it fucks you up and you can't expect me or anyone to just shove it down and be done.

You begged me to take you back after I found out, then you yell and shout at me for talking to people on tinder, being confused in my own feelings, my own world.

If you say you understood how fucked up I got, then you would know not to minimize my suffering, not to invalidate my perspective. Don't you think I do things in retailiation? I make my suffrage worse to try and make it obvious that this is very big for me, cause no one ever seems to take my seriously. Don't you think I do things in retailiation because I am so miserable, I feel unloved and stuck, and I feel anger at you for a multitude of reasons. And you still ask me to stop. If you understood, if you really loved me like how you said, you would let me feel my feelings. You would understand how fucking troubled I am, how I don't know myself, how I can't fucking be.

I say I understand your side and you say then I should be done. You say you understand my side but that it's still a lot to deal with. Do you not think it's the same for me? Why, why do you hurt me this way?

You have a low tolerance for discomfort, pettiness. Then can't I have a low tolerance for pain, humiliation, cruelty?

You have been unfair and unkind to me. You have never been on my side, I have never felt understood or welcomed. And I make it worse, cause it's so unbearable to accept, that you cannot accept me.

You say you're here pouring your love out and I'm texting dean. I poured my heart out and wrote you a song, I was completely raw with you, but you called her behind my back. I was always pouring my heart out, you were never ready for it, you pushed me away. I've pushed you away from good reason, for fear, and just because you're ready now does not mean I am and you can't except that of me.

You're still not someone I need you to be, and I have serious trouble dealing with that. This thing that you can't do, that I need you to do, that I can't do for myself or it's a whole problem, would fix everything. But, you still can't.

Don't you see how far you shove me down below you? You want this to be a mutual relationship but only on your terms. You shove me down and keep me down and asking me why I'm drowning. You say I've helped and taught you so much, that you would be closer to be ready each time we hit rock bottom. But never were you ready on your own. You say you're doing the work now and I should receive it? What happened to all the times you promised and I got nothing? When you begged and cried to me not to do this and I took pity on you? You say I want this too? Do you really believe you ever gave me the choice?

Very much I think about you asking me if I was gonna ride with you. The incomprehensible thought of being without you. It's an undeniable choice, but it comes with the consequence of loving you. With it, I must take on all this pain and I don't want that, that's not fair to me. And for me to cope, to be okay with it all? I have to do something fucked up, I have to put you on the same level as me cause no fucking way am I going to be with a man who is below me.

I have always done that with you. Too many times I've fucked up myself, but it's clear which mistakes are influenced by yours.

Now I still sit with the thought of how to heal. If I heal for you, because you want me to stop talking about this, I'll always hold resentment. If I heal for myself, by myself, and let my soul come together, I'll have to think of you in lesser terms. And with lesser terms comes lesser feelings, and if I realize that this is all bullshit, that this is what true love is, I'll forever be ashamed.

These stains on our timeline will never fade. And we can get farther and farther from it, but how embarrassing is it to look back at where we fucked up, where we made awful awful mistakes, and the fucking lies we had to accept to get to where we are in that moment? It's selling yourself, selling who you are in exchange for a reality of pain out of the fear of being alone and nothing.

I never wanted my relationship to be like that, how can I accept a man like that? Where is the understanding, the trust in this connection we have? Why is there insecurity, why is there doubt at all? You're not the man I needed, or wanted, and I'm not the woman you needed or wanted in your life either. The differences we have are battle cries. But yours is always the loudest.

For now, as I heal myself, I do it in spite more than love for myself. I'll show you who I am, since you can't figure it out. I'll show you again, and when you do the same thing over again, instead of beating you down, I'll forgive you, and I'll move on, and I'll let you see who I can be when the people I love hurt me, and I hope it's then you realize what I had to do to keep my love for you alive cause if I forgive you, you'll know I'll love you less.

Out of pettiness or immaturity I have no care of finding out. Spitefulness is set in my heart and I would never accept loving you without it. Why? Cause that's not who I am.

[aartifex-a]

i guess i’m in a thinky mood today so because of some recent info on my dash, as a white canadian person who writes an asian (specifically korean) oc i think its important to address other white writers who have characters that are a different race, culture, ethnicity, etc from them:

you will almost inevitably fuck up if you arent coming into your writing with at least an awareness of the dynamics of race re: your characters or world, and even then you probably will still fumble at times. people calling you in/out, bringing this to your attention, isnt harrassment. ive been writing jin as an oc since i was 13. i have absolutely fucked up and done problematic racist shit because im a white person raised in a society that upholds whiteness, you dont leave that kind of pervasive environment untouched by the various -isms, systems, and inequalities of those societies. this isnt me trying to be righteous or “a good white person”, its just honest. you wont ever grow or become a better writer if you dont research the cultures you write and if you dont listen to the people you are portraying and affecting with what you write. be willing to make changes, drastic ones, or take breaks to educate yourself and revamp. 

i can only speak for myself, but i dont think many people would say white writers can never write characters who are of a different race, it just means you need to be more cautious because of the dynamics of how race plays out in the real world. i feel somewhat comfortable with writing jin and trying to incorporate korean culture into his character only because i’ve done both my own research and opted to take korean language and culture classes at my university. i went to the korean culture club which was run by the professor of the korean culture course, and i try to keep up with major news stories out of south korea on places like twitter. this doesnt make me an expert, and i will sometimes avoid certain topics that i dont feel adequately educated on. its something im always trying to work on, and an aspect of my writing that i welcome critiques for. 

another note for writers in a similar position as me, is that while cultural research is important it can only take you so far. remember the cultures you write about contain real, individual people with a diversity of opinions and perspectives. dont make broad stroke assumptions that just because something is considered normal or common in the dominant culture of that society/culture that everyone agrees. ill speak from my own writing experience, but when it comes to writing queer poc, just because a culture/society has homophobic elements or doesnt have legal protections for lgbtq people doesnt mean that there arent lgbtq people and allies in those cultures who are actively fighting for their rights. its important to note the affects of culture on a person, but a person can never be seen only through the dominant lens of their culture. let your characters be people with agency that are shaped by their culture, not stereotypes of a culture first and people second.

its also important, imo, for us as white writers to take some of the burden off of poc in the community when it comes to speaking up about this kind of thing. thats the whole reason im writing this at all. it isnt our job to speak over or for them, but it shouldnt only be up to poc to constantly do damage control, education, and clean up for white people. thats not fair, and it puts the weight of trying to fix harmful ideas on the people who suffer the harm rather than the people who perpetuate and/or benefit from that harm.

and as an end note, i understand that we dont get to choose the environments we’re born into. we don’t all get to be lucky and have progressive families or communities, some of us grow up with some really fucked up ideas normalized to us. its not your fault if you were raised in a way thats ignorant of or hostile to people different from you, but it is your responsibility to pull yourself out of the muck once you realize youre in it. you wont please everyone or be perfect but thats not a reason to avoid growth. your past can explain how you got to where you are but it isnt an excuse to keep going down the same path into the future.

[quillandink333]

Scarlet Carnations ~ Part III

BotW Link X Zelda ~ Detective AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 2k

WARNINGS: death, murder, loss, trauma, blood and gore, terrorism, organized crime, self-harm

Summary: Inspector Zelda Hyrule, assisted by the faithful Constable Link Fyori, is infamous for cracking the most confounding of cases in a town dominated by crime. Her latest assignment is to solve the murder of her own godmother, Impa Sheikah, the late CEO of Sheikah Tech. Incorporated, while staying under the radar of the dreaded Yiga organization.

Part I • Part II • Part III • Part IV • Part V • Part VI • Part VII • Epilogue • Masterlist

The investigation was still underway a week or so later, still without even a semblance of a lead to go on, or at least not a favourable one. Auntie Purah still had yet to take the Slate into the lab as she’d promised, which was understandable. She was still in deep mourning, after all. I, however, still got up at six o’clock each and every day to make my way to the site, as if the murderer would one day just walk out into the open if I waited long enough.

Truth be told, despite my conscious efforts to suppress it, a part of me deep down was growing weary of one fruitless search after another. Most of the cases I’d led up to this one had been closed within a maximum three days. Admittedly I’d even begun to consider ways to dispose of the fatal evidence I’d been carrying with me since the start of all this. No one but Paya and I knew of its existence, and no one but us would ever have to. Besides, if these egregious felonies truly were the designs of the organization—which they had to be—there was no way I’d ever find any clues leading toward the perpetrator’s true identity, let alone that of their ever elusive boss.

And yet, every morning when I returned to the scene of the crime, with officers bustling about and those who remained of my family sitting quietly in another room, I was reminded of my ultimate purpose. It wasn’t a matter of being able or unable to catch my godmother’s killer. It was one of necessity. Letting them roam the streets as they pleased was not even a part of the equation. I hadn’t spent the better part of the last decade toiling away to reach my current level of authority as a detective investigator simply to throw it all away as soon as my will was tested. That wasn’t what Auntie Impa, nor what Mother, would’ve wanted. I had to uncover the truth, no matter the cost.

What happened next, however, would make my distress up until then seem almost laughable.

I was made aware of it via wire on one muggy afternoon at my office, when I’d decided to work on typewriting up some reports. I picked up the phone only to hear the wails of one distraught Auntie Purah on the other end.

“Zelda, it’s terrible!” she cried. “The Slate—Impa’s Slate—I’ve looked everywhere, and so have Paya and Symin and all the men here on duty, but I—it’s...we can’t—we haven’t...” The poor, old woman was hyperventilating, creating awful static noises through the speaker’s papery membrane.

“Auntie, it’s okay. Calm down,” I urged gently. “Take a few deep breaths.”

“Alright...” A few moments of silence went by before I heard her voice again. “Thank you, dear.”

“Not at all. Now, what were you saying about the Slate?”

“It’s been stolen.”

I froze, breath stagnant and eyes glued to the edge of my desk. “It’s—what?”

“Stolen,” she repeated, only deepening the pit forming in my stomach, from where my heart was now pounding. “Right out from under our noses. We’ve searched high and low for it, but there’s been no sign of it, or the thief.”

I had to reign in my voice before I’d start shouting at her. “H-How can you be sure it was stolen?” The vigilant Link’s eyes now bore into me with intensity from his place by the file cabinets.

“The lock on the safe,” blubbered my auntie, “the one in the study that it’s always kept in. You know the one?”

“Yes?”

“It was broken, and the safe was empty.”

“But...that’s impossible.”

“Precisely!” she cried, giving me a start. “I still haven’t the foggiest how they did it.”

“I’ll be there in twenty.”

With that, I hung up and prepared for immediate departure, my assistant just a few paces behind me. I had to see this for myself.

Surely enough, when we arrived, the safe’s lock was destroyed beyond repair, and there was nothing but dust to be found inside. Unsurprisingly, the thief had been careful to leave no fingerprints behind, just as the killer had been. For now, though, it was too soon to say for certain that the same individual was behind both crimes.

Upon closer inspection, it seemed the lock mechanism had been melted. My eyes widened. “That’s not something you see every day.” Constable Fyori crouched down beside me, then gave a similar reaction when he noticed the cause of my astonishment.

The thief had to have been someone with access to a welding torch or something along those lines. There certainly weren’t many who fit that description, save for the police. In fact, the whole reason they were issued out to a select few officers was for this very purpose, but situations requiring said officers to break locks such as this one using such extreme methods were few and far between. Nevertheless, the possibility stood.

It was for this reason that I finally gave in and decided to take up the case with the chief detective once we’d finished here. As always, Constable Fyori accompanied me thereto.

Chief Bosphoramus’ office was neither too grand nor too modest, not unlike my own, though it still clearly belonged to someone of high rank. It resided on the third floor of the three-storey building where my dear colleague and I made our livelihoods, boasting a broad view of the deceivingly peaceful streets below.

“It seems UC3680G662LL was the only officer on the scene who was equipped with a cutting torch,” relayed the old man, hunched over the records lain across his desk. “Unfortunately, however, he resigned just yesterday.”

I waited a number of seconds for him to follow up with something useful, but to no avail. “So...what? You’re saying we can’t go question him now? Because he ran away?”

He clasped his fingers together in front of him, looking at me like an elementary school principal. “That is what I am saying, yes.”

I wanted to growl like a bear as imitated by a child, but I held it in. “You do realize what this means, don’t you?” I scoffed. “No doubt he was a member of the organization sent to steal the Slate after killing its owner.”

“Now you listen here, Inspector.” The chief’s tone turned serious. I closed my mouth. “You of all people should know that not a single square inch of this town is safe. Not even this precinct.”

“Yes, but Sir, surely you agree that this entire case has ‘Yiga’ written all over—”

“Are you mad?!”

His thundering voice made Link and I jump. The room fell silent, the chief’s eyes flickering between the door and the open window behind him.

Then he rose from his seat to close the shutters. “Have you some sort of death wish?” he continued at an infinitesimal volume in comparison.

I bit my tongue, restraining the urge to retort with, “Whose fault is that?” for I knew I would only be spinning my wheels. There’d once been a saying in this city: “When one sheep leads the way, all the rest follow.” And Chief Detective Bosphoramus was a perfect reflection of this. Every last member of the force was the same. Weak-willed curs. Shirking from their sworn duties and hiding away behind their shields of specious ignorance.

But despite the virus of cowardice festering throughout the bureau, my partner’s lasting air of calm resignation reminded me that no one could truly blame those affected by it.

The power that the Yiga organization possessed over the town was beyond compare. Those on City Council were nothing more than their puppets, and likewise were the police. Fear and massacre were the whips they raised to drive us all into submission and to punish any and all who had the will remaining to fight. But the one group who’d dared to challenge their might, who’d stood tall ever in the face of their tyranny, had been my godmother’s company. Thanks to her intelligent mind and righteous heart, the people had been given access to technology that would keep them safe, to a degree, from crime, and little by little, the company had developed into a beacon of hope for the town and its inhabitants. Until now.

Now, that hope had been snuffed out, like it had never been anything more than a week and vulnerable candle flame, flickering faint against the darkness of obscurity, in the first place.

Later that evening, when my gaze happened upon the knife block sitting on my kitchen counter at home, my steps halted. The scars on my arms left over from my last couple of years in secondary school—the period in my life following the yet unexplained events that had taken away the one I’d cherished most—had only just begun to fade. Even so...

I shook my head, turning my back to the kitchen. But then, I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder once more. I recalled the rush of adrenaline that took hold each time my skin was breached by icy steel. It was true that letting my emotions control me would get me nowhere, but maybe...maybe just this once, I could at least do something to assuage them.

Then the image of the gaping, dark red hole running straight through Auntie Impa’s neck flashed before my eyes. I covered my mouth, quickly swallowing the bile rising up from the bottom of my throat. The idea slipped my mind that very instant.

It wasn’t until the following day’s investigation that a substantial piece of the puzzle finally revealed itself to me.

For it to have taken a whole two days to find wasn’t all that unbelievable. Even I had to admit, although my stepsister was a spineless, tattling suck-up who’d always received far more credit and affection than she was worth, no one could have imagined her ever turning criminal.

Even so, I was certain that what I discovered there in her bedroom went against the expectations of all. Upon my entering, a faint glow of teal and tangerine peaking through the floorboards caught my eye. I went to lift the plank doing such poor work of hiding the thing from sight. There it was, unscratched and in perfect working condition, its screen lighting up and displaying that dastardly riddle I’d been confronted with several days prior and still didn’t know the answer to.

Although the mystery of where it had disappeared to had been solved, its reason for being here of all places was still unclear. Why would Paya have gone to such lengths just to get her hands on the Slate? It was difficult to imagine there being any information contained therein that she would want so direly to be kept secret from the world. She and her grandmother had been close since before I’d become a part of their family as a six-year-old.

Then something hard and marble-sized went flying across the floor when struck by the pointed toe of my shoe. I gave chase, soon realizing what it was when it slowed to a halt just before the south-facing wall of the room:

A bullet.

I didn’t even need to perform a striation comparison; anyone could clearly see that it matched the one I’d pried out of my mother’s memorial shrine. Whatever blood might’ve been here at one point must have simply been wiped up, and she must have stolen Link’s revolver with whatever methods she’d used to steal the Slate. Without a doubt, this room was the true crime scene I’d sought after since day one of the investigation.

But even in the face of this victory, I could hear the voices of those who would oppose me ringing in my ears. “Paya’s the mastermind?” they jeered. “Isn’t that a bit far-fetched?” But at this point, this case had already pushed me far beyond the boundaries of my patience. I didn’t have a single damn left to give about how flawed my logic might or might not have been. All that mattered now was that I had a suspect, and so help me, if I was correct in my line of thinking as suggested by the evidence, this criminal would receive no mercy.

[cisthoughtcrime]

Sorry if this is too personal, but that post where that transwoman says women exist to be fucked and says that basically if you're female you aren't fully human and then these ancient greek misogynists saying the same thing, that women are only good to be used by men and have no relevance outside of that genuinely made me want to cry. It's so upsetting. Do they have any idea what they're doing? That they're saying this shit about other human beings? What did we ever do to men to deserve this?? I can barely grasp the depth of mens misogyny and it just hurts to know some men think of me and my sisters like that without even knowing us. How do you even cope with that?

you've articulated the exact emotions I have about this and I wish I could offer some definitive advice. the truth is I cycle between white-hot righteous rage, soul-crushing depression, and leaden immobilising emotional exhaustion about this. I see it everywhere and want to weep and scream that we'll never break away from it because it's too deeply entrenched. My brother is a sweet thoughtful empathetic kid whom I love and whom Ive never seen be outwardly sexist, but I also remember my parents sitting him down for a stern talking-to because they looked at the internet history of our router and were concerned about the extremism of the porn he was watching when he was 15; it scares me and makes me fundamentally uneasy and distrusting of practically every male, not knowing if they look at me and see a hole they're meant to respect or a hole they actively disrespect, but knowing they don't think the same of me as they do another male. Male is neutral to them, it's the default, and the woman subtype will never be considered with the same neutrality.

to circle back to your question, now that I've gone on a colossally disheartening tangent: female-only spaces and the prospect of an eventual iteration of true separatism are what keeps me going. the daydream of a life where I stop seeing myself through their lens because their lens is nowhere in the vicinity. where that atmosphere of fear and anxiety about sexual violence and/or complete dehumanisation is made obsolete.

the short answer to how I cope with this? men terrify, depress, and enrage me; women uplift, inspire, and revitalise me. if I cope, I cope by joining female communities and connecting with other women who've seen "under the hood."

[ariyadaivaris]

- oh god vic please come back. where have you gone. we miss you

- NEW GEAR! NEW GEAR FOR TONY the track jacket is obviously new (its very cute i like the rolled up sleeves+tape up to wrists look a lot) and his new goofy lil emblem on his kneepads. also its the same candy red as ariya's. unbearable! i can't stand them. good for him

- "a red wedding of sorts, if you will" HUH? YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. WHY DID HE SAY THAT

- ARIYA DID THE SLASH ACROSS THE THROAT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT FEELS LIKE LIFETIMES SINCE HE'S DONE IT i love him. terrible. awful. scary <3

- the windup on ariya's elbow drops <3 he is a delight to watch...

- god i wish wish WISH 205 had some fucking storylines again!!!!!!!!!! i love tony and ariya and i love the bollywood boys, you know this, but if i have to watch another mostly directionless tag match that won't go anywhere or lead to anything because the cw division's plot-important stuff is relegated to nxt with an entirely different group of people and none of these guys are considered in high enough regard to reap the rewards of a division they built and carried on their backs for the last 5 years with NO fucking help or faith in them at all i'm going to go off the deep end. i would take an in-ring promo at this point. anything at fucking all   - commentary keeps pushing the "they're working harder than ever to get a title shot" thing and it's just so. i'm insanely depressed about it. does ANYONE genuinely believe, watching this, that they will ever be given a title shot? do the four men in this ring right now have any hope that they will ever see that title on their show again, never mind get a chance at it?   - ariya really isn't ever gonna be a champion is he. the division gets some steam and he's never going to be a part of it. i'm so mad all the time. lol

- its...a struggle to watch 205 recently. it is a struggle to do fucking anything recently but this especially is hard because 205 is like. My Thing. that is the one thing that i am in it for, this is the one thing i have to look forward to on a weekly basis, to mark the passage of time for myself. and i just can't keep doing this! watching alone, having to sustain interest on my own, ignoring the parts of the division that have things going on because its dudes ive never seen on 205 and have no interest in and because its a lot of miserable shitheels and predators that dubya considers relevant for reasons i will never understand (their loyalties have always been clear but given how little anyone cares about like, devlin, who has never done anything in dubya at all even if you ignore That, its like what tradeoff could possibly be worth this unless you want to just signal that you will protect abusers which EVERYONE KNOWS ALREADY), watching and desperately finding scraps of character development in reruns of the same three match configurations over and over and over again involving more dudes that you don't really care about even after all this time because they joined post-plot-or-character and its all with no build, no leadup, no EXCITEMENT, while everyone has already kind of moved on from it for reasons that seem better and better all the time. i don't want to let go of it or stop hoping because i WANT to see if anything happens, i care about ariya and tony's weird fuckin story arcs that much if anything and honestly i think letting go of it at this exact point in time is admitting a loss that i could not withstand at the present moment, but its so...i have to force myself to watch it at this point. and i know it all sounds sooooo pathetic because it is, but i'm just. im so tired!!!!!!!! im so fucking tired of it all

- OHHH SAMIR'S SAVE INTO THE NECKBREAKER OWNS

- ITS FUCKIN SUNIL TIME BABEY!!!!!!!!!! SUNIL SINGH EPIC MOMENTS COMPILATION!!!! GOLD STANDARD DOESNT STAND A CHANCE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- ariya tagging tony in and just kind of collapsing and rolling through the ropes to have a little lie-down on the apron. sunil singh unstoppable, undefeatable, cannot be survived

- ARIYA KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT ON THE POST. ARIYA

- TONY TWO KNEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- TONY GET CLEAN PIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARIYA WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- oh my guy ariya's not lookin too good lol

- he’s fine <3 (he IS okay if you are worried)

- oh now lorcan cares about the cruiserweight division again huh! interesting ^_^

- legado del fantasma should be allowed to do that. i think its okay

- i don't really care about him besides going huh, fun aesthetic i guess, but i like grey's entrance music a LOT. maybe it's just the vocals making it distinguishable from whatever new team is doing the themes and making them all the same boring generic hinting-at-metal pop punk instrumental shit. oh well

- commentary making suuuuuuuch a big deal over grey doing things The Right Way to beat mansoor and IF I DO RECALL CORRECTLY tony as well and ignoring that he cheated to beat ariya. ariya gets cheated out of the recognition he's earned once again i see...pretty sure grey wasn't doing it The Right Way when he put his feet on the ropes against the BACKBONE, the BLOOD, the SPINE of the cruiserweight division but whatever............

- you know what i miss? high flying. that thing that 205 was originally about showcasing in a lot of ways? where did that go (to the corner to sit through timeout for being too good apparently) god i miss lhp i miss cedric i miss babyface moose i miss angel and humberto and AKIRA!!!!...i even miss buddy...wails and gnashes my teeth. i miss alicia and kenta and lio and the kanellises though i am glad they are out of dubya. some of these people aren't high flyers which was the original point whatever i still miss them. i need to rewatch 205 so i can try to have fun and not freak out over just how much of it i have to skip over

-  he is so handsome <///3

- ariya is both very VERY interested in august cheating to beat him and furious that he's not cheating to beat anyone else. why WOULD he do that? he didn't care about it when he had to beat ariya. ariya's not the ONLY heel in the division, and not the only person who would cheat to win. august can position himself as righteous--he's doing things HIS way, after all--and noble, but ariya knows better. august is losing by doing this, too! he's not WINNING! he cares more about his principles than about the win, which is CERTAINLY news to ariya. turnabout is fair play against him, apparently, because It's Daivari and anyone can do anything to him and get off scot-free. ariya watches grey refuse to cheat against anyone else, and he listens and he is commended as a hero for it, and it is driving him up the wall to watch. of course, ariya getting humiliated and treated like shit by people who then get lauded as clean babyfaces who continue thinking of him as a dirty cheater beneath them as they do the same things is uh. he’s encountered it before

- "YOU blew it! you let your pride get in the way! YOU blew it! don't ever forget that!" HM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- this is so fucking juicy. ariya ranks winning through any means above his pride! ariya would rather win dirty than lose clean. he's disgusted that grey won't use his brain to see that a win is better than a loss. ALSO! ariya going "you let your pride get in the way" is SO interesting! self righteousness as arrogance in his eyes feels very illuminating. NO he's not exactly PROUD of the shit he's done but it's the smart thing to do. he's survived, hasn't he? how many other cruiserweights could say that? did mustafa survive? did cedric? did akira? did their principles help them survive? did akira having his arm ripped off just to outlast ariya The Right Way do anything to help him in the long run? what good is doing things the right way when it is so so so fucking hard not to die in here already? on the other hand, ariya is also kind of proud at times! ariya's pride being wounded is what led to the huge character shift he went through to begin with. his pride got in the way of joining drew and tony on the same level and it got in the way of fixing things properly between him and tony until they had to grow back together, and when i say grow i mean it in the sense of...like...a tree. slow and deliberate and taking fucking forever. and it's still never been addressed out loud, really. when ariya says grey's pride got in the way of somethig, he has some idea of what he's talking about ugh. UGH!!!!!!!!! this is all so fascinating. ariya daivari top five characters of all time

[stingroy]

Who do you think was the mist immoral character of Moral Orel Clay or Censordoll? Do you think there were evil characters in the show or were they just flawed people trying to do what they perceived as the right thing?

THIS POST IS LONG BEWARE

im bias but clay all the way

if ms censordoll was a real person i would despise her, but in the show shes really fun and interesting to watch imo! of course i dont condone book burning and censorship i just think shes a good character to critique and make fun censorship with, plus i love her voice whoever her voice actor is did a great job. to be honest i havent rewatched the episodes where shes a main focal point in a long while so i need to refresh my memory before id be able to really form a strong opinion on her that i would stand by firmly

clay is an abusive addict with no interest in anyone else but himself, he has no agenda other than to get drunk and be miserable. i mean maybe he’s “invested” in teaching orel because he’s his only (legitamate) son but then... nature still happened. clay often talks about how hes distant from his family on purpose and doesnt care about them so i dont think he really gives that much of a shit all in all. i know he had a difficult childhood (yet another episode i need to rewatch (its been years), im on s2e3 so i still have a ways) but it doesnt justify like anything he does. cool motive still murder yknow? clay reminds me a lot of my religious alcoholic estranged father so i DEFINITELY have a personal bone to pick with clay cuz ive been there.

when it comes to whether the townspeople are evil, i feel like that question really lies at the heart of the show, not just for clay and censordoll but almost everyone in moralton (cept for orel of course). i could go into that concept for the next seventeen years so i wont right now but i think between the both of them at least censordoll probably thought she was doing the right thing for the people in her town. not that anything she did was actually right, but organizing all those daily pickets and book burnings must take some effort, right? someone who didnt care at all wouldnt go through the trouble. she seems to like genuinely care about moralton being righteous, even if her idea of righteous media is completely skewed and wrong. i wouldnt call that evil, horribly misguided and incorrect definitely but evil? im not really sure.

again tho its been a while so my opinion might change as i run thru s2 and 3 again, and im really starting to consider that if censordoll was a real person i probably would consider her to be evil but that might be more of a comment on my thought processes and perception of people than censordoll herself... lol

i dont know if clay even thinks he’s doing the right thing by orel truly. i think somewhere deep inside past his addiction there is someone in there trying to do something for orel, trying to keep him on the right path in a weird and terribly unfortunate way. clay has made it clear through his actions that he will not engage with parts of his family that he doesnt care about (cough bloberta and shapey cough), and he seems to always make time for orel. whenever orel needs to talk to him, clay is around to give his lessons and “guidance”. maybe thats just because his lessons are a crucial part of the show, but i think that shows. some effort? some acknowledgement? that he doesnt show to anything else other than drinking.

unfortunately clay is a sick motherfucker. he’s so rooted in his own trauma and addiction that he cant see anything other than his own pain. and i do absolutely sympathize with that, ive dealt with my own traumas and addictions and you lose sight of who you are and what you value. sometimes people can get to the point where they lose everything they love other than the bottle, and then they die and lose that too. its a disease, and its absolutely not someones fault that they have an alcohol problem.

but clay gives into himself. he makes no effort to change his situation, bloberta even brings this up in s1ep10 when theyre arguing about shapey’s breastfeeding. she tells him to quit his stinkin dead end job and stop being such a crybaby and you know what shes mean af but shes right! all clay does is wallow around and drink because hes miserable and stays miserable because he drinks. he numbs everything out instead of changing his life for... convenience? image? fear? probably a combo

my real problem with clay is that he hurts people because he is hurt. thats where my sympathy dies and i no longer really care about his motivations and trauma. i think nature is the clearest example of that, but clay hurts orel throughout the show. like damn he literally beats the kid with a belt in 90% of the episodes. its just not justifiable to me at all.

i will say one more thing that clay does that i think really says something about him. everytime orel does something wrong, clay takes him to his study, beats/spanks him with the belt (we never see it so who knows how severe it is), and then talks to orel. and orel LISTENS. ALWAYS. clay doesnt have to beat orel to punish him, orel has such a strong sense of loyalty and obiedience that his true punishment is his fathers disappointment. orel always listens to what clay says without question, and clay still finds it nessecary to beat him. it makes me think that clay gets something else out of that interaction like vindication, stress relief, or something of that nature. its cruel, and its selfish. its like beating a dog. you dont have to do it to make him listen to you, so why do it? probably for a reason other than discipline.

clay and censordoll are obvs the two people we’re talking about but a lot of people in moralton do bad things for the sake of righteousness and goodness. like i said a bit earlier i really do think that question is The Big Question of the show, and i feel like many people will have varying opinions based on their own morals and life experiences. the intricate motivations and values of each of the characters in moral orel is one of the things that makes the show so great and so interesting that here i am writing a long winded “analysis” on it on tumblr a decade after it was released.

WOW i completely derailed myself and started rambling for seven hours but!!!

tl;dr clay is a bitch and the people of moralton arent inherently evil monsters but i sure do have my problems with them

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

bakugo flat out told midoriya to kill himself, physically assaulted him multiple times, and verbally bullied him relentlessly. as a victim to similar bullying, he shows very little growth. yes he becomes more righteous as he becomes a hero, but his attitude never changes. his superiority complex in the early seasons makes me physically ill and will often send me spiraling as i relive what ive gone through. maybe other people see him differently but i can never bring myself to like him

Nfjfjfjf I love doing these breakdowns bc I wanted to be so many medical careers, one of them being psychology so this is great for me fnfjdj

Val's 420th Synopsis of GremlinBoomMan

So I'm not going to deny that he was a bully, I'd be blind to not see that. Now I know this Gremlin isn't everyone's cup of napalm, and that's perfectly fine darlin'! As I've said I hated him at first until I saw through some things.

He's been growing to be better than when he first appeared in episode one though. And I have receipts to prove it, along with some tea I spilt with @awkward-tension (psychology nerds ftw)

Take these two panels, one from the first chapter and the other from chapter 166 page 15. I want y'all to keep this in the back of your mind as I continue on my theory on BakuBoomBoomMan.

Now this panel grab from Chapter 165 page 5. (Now this theory was sprung by me rereading the Kindergarten Arc for another ask and this one line triggered my conspiracy theorist inside me)

Now if we consider the possibility of Bakugou having a rougher upbringing, one that we haven't really had the opportunity to witness because of the story being told by Midoriya, not a third, uninvolved party, his behavior starts to make a lot of sense.

We know that his mom isn't a stranger to smacking him around, and it's funny at first until you really reflect on it.

Mitsuki calls Katsuki weak and him ultimately being the reason for everyone being involved with the LoV (him being kidnapped). If she says these things in front of official School staff one could only imagine how the household is like when it's just them three. Mitsuki is in a way verbally and physically abusive, to what extent we don't know, but the evidence is there. As for his father, he could be classified as an enabler for his wife for not intervening and turning a blind eye to this conflict.

So where does that leave Katsuki?

Obviously having these types of parents will have a serious toll on a child. (Me being a prime example) It's safe to say that Katuski might've developed a form of depression/anxiety/self worth issues causing him to obsess over praise and power. His aggression could very easily be considered a coping mechanism for these conflicting feelings and as a way for him to have an outlet for what he was experiencing at home.

He finally found someone who he thought was below him on the totem pole, especially since Izuku hadn't developed a quirk yet. This paired with the praises he had when his quirk emerged only adding fuel to the flame of a bully mentality.

Midoriya being a perfect lightning rod for this anger.

Just think about it, you have a parent constantly calling you weak and worthless, treating you like human garbage, so you turn to your other parent, who is absent and blows off everything you tell them and turns the other cheek when they see this behavior in real time. The amount of rage, loneliness, heartache, depression, self loathing, self doubt, self consciousness, and self worth issues that a young child would experience during this all the way through adolescence? Yeah it's going to take some time to relearn healthy behaviors and communication. I know I'm still learning how to be "normal" after my family ordeals.

Now let's take a look at that panel again, this time in it's full glory. (Read right to left for those of y'all who aren't familiar with manga)

He truly doesn't want this child to be like how he was when he was they're age. He knows exactly what path this kid was on and he made sure to steer him back onto the right path. He doesn't want them to be like him. Generally people who have depression or some sister illness tend to see themselves as broken, just husks of what they could've been. Sometimes it fills them with wisdom and the ability to see others who are on the same path. Now I'm only speaking from personal experience when I say this. I would give anything in the world to stop anyone from doing some of the things I did when I was broken. And this whole topic just resonates with me.

If you apply this theory to his actions and behaviors it kinda just clicks into place just perfectly.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is actually a thing, given how fleshed out the Todoroki family is, I just hope my Gremlin gets some more backstory and/or development.

Again I'd like to thank @awkward-tension for adding their hot take on this and below is the screenshots of what started this whole analysis:

Like this only just makes me love him more bc I've personally been struggling with an abusive family my entire life and I'm just now at the age of 21 being a normal person who doesn't go into an anxiety induced panic when someone comes home.

OH (edit)

I forgot to add this panel:

This hints at the potential abuse he experienced/experiencing and also shows that he is willing to try/learn different things, fully knowing that he grew up in a uniquely cruel household. Just a small tid bit but still important

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

[ncjswnnskdoekdmenns]

hi get ready to be sad

school starts in 2 weeks for me and i think i am maybe possibly going to abandon this blog again, or at least greatly decrease the amount of time i spend on here. not to be self righteous but i am definitely too sexy to have a tumblr

truthfully and honestably i might come back but idk. for one, i feel too old for the community im in. my interest lie elsewhere at this point. i also just want to focus on school when it starts and put myself whole heartedly into my work and into real life and just feel like, normal. idk if that makes sense. not to suck my own dick i just feel like ive matured a lot and this place isnt for me anymore *becomes edgy*

anywayyyys plllleeeeease stay in contact with me! i know i havent direct messaged a lot of you but i still consider everyone following me important and i really would like to stay in touch with as many of u as possible. even if we were never directly friends feel free to follow/message me on any of the following (i implore u to in fact)

*INSTAGRAM: reiganm

*FINSTA: dopethisisreal

SNAPCHAT: h.vymtl

DISCORD: fuck the proletariat#2482

FUCK IT JUST TEXT ME: 2259076765

*most active

thank u so much everyone 4 following me! love yall kisses it was fun

[tfw-no-tennis]

One Piece Readthru

heyo ive decided its time for me to catch up on the one piece manga finally!! i last read it uhhh sometime late 2018?? MAYBE early 2019....anyways ill be liveblogging it, basically for myself but if anyone is interested then enjoy lol

so w.out further ado hers 927-931 hya 

uh ok i left off kinda in the middle of the wano arc, so im scanning thru some stuff to see what i remember.....i dont really remember what the deal is with that ginger (?) pompadour guy lmao. theres a lot of new characters and intricate politics in this arc from what i remember. 

i havent really gotten spoiled for anything....i know that something bad happens to kid & killer, somethins up w/sabo (but we dont know what), luffy fights kaido (more than once i think?) uhhhhh we get roger flashbacks and hear the yonkous bounties....thats abt all i really know. so im hype to find out what else has gone on....

im gonna start around 927, i defs read this but i want a refresher 

wow its amazing how sanji can oscillate so fast from being unbearable and annoying to like one of my favs

i loveeee the panels where those dudes start trashing sanjis soba stand and usopps like lol lets back up yall we KNOW sanjis boutta kick some righteous ass....YESSS

franky supplexing a guy....ily franky 

toko!!! i forgot abt her!!! cute kid, whats her deal? iirc she works at the uhhh wherever komurasaki works and she almost gets murderized later

sanji and little kids is so cute ;_; more of that and less stuff of him being gross w/women 

ok exposition....i do remember a lot of this

928, i feel like i remember this stuff so ill kinda blow thru it 

oh yeah i remember luffy n the prison shennanigans....good times

and kidds here too, talkin abt how he lost his arm trying to fight shanks...lol dude 

dude is really like oh i couldnt take down shanks, so ill aim for a different yonkou, im sure this will go much better a second time (and down an arm)

omfg i forgot abt this dude who apparently sold his FAMILY to get money for komurasaki....

i think we’re supposed to feel bad for this dude and think komurasaki is cruel or w/e but man honestly i just respect the hustle. girl knows whats up

HVBJSDKFBDS I FORGOT THE HILARIOUS LINE WHERE SHES LIKE ‘I HATE POOR PEOPLE <3′ IM....its literally like a weird twitter shitpost lmaooo

they cut immediately from komurasaki to tama asking momo if he has a sister....LMAO SUBTLE......

i dont even remember if that twist was spoiled for me, but either way it was my like immediate thought upon komurasakis intro lmao 

ok 929!

omg kanjuro selling some-drawn fish lol

OUGHHH CARROT AND THE OTHER MINKS....i miss carrot sm i hope she shows up more :( i really wish she would join the crew....

lmao that guy calling zoro a pretty boy and saying girls are probably all over him....zoros like uh ew no im gay 

OOOH PLOT SHITTTTT....caesar and doflamingo name drops...

VEGAPUNK HM [eyes emojiey]

orochis defs gonna get fucked up at some point. his design reminds me of wapol and other like corrupt king archetypes 

oguhfdbsjkgjdfbh laws head basket i forgot abt that. also i love when people call him traffy thats weirdly cute 

oh right the other supernovas who became kaidous bitches are here to fight...i recall that fight somewhat 

920 time! 

oh yeah the weird place where all the poor starving people laugh constantly...inch resting

OHH YEAH BIG MOM!!! man i definitely read a lot further than this lmao. w/e i was SO fucking hype when she showed up, imo the whole amnesia thing is pretty lame. we’ll see where it goes tho 

the art here is just so good oh man. the panel of big moms ship charging up the waterfall while she laughs? fantastic 

EPIC arrival. i hope big mom gets to do cool stuff even despite the impending amnesia

i ALSO hope her kids get to do cool shit too. im still holding out for a zoro vs amande battle (if shes even there? i dont see her, but thatd be such a waste)...and smoothie vs robin....

and she wants zeus back....NAMI FIGHT??? PLEASE???

oh its bdsm dinosaur guy....hmm never thought id type that

LMAOOOO law is like Dont You Dare Fucking Snitch On Us and usopp is like uh luffy pls come pick me up this guy is too hardcore

FINAL BATTLE thats so dramatic law please

sanji saying he’ll protect usopp omfg

oooh theyre destorying all the soba shops....here comes sanji to bring the PAIN

OMFG THE RAID SUIT i forgot he busts that out....hilariously quickly all things considered

931! ok but first my obligatory thots on how sad i am abt how the women of op look nowadays lmao revisiting old one piece just makes it all the more obvious how ridiculous its gotten....like nami and robin dont even look human, its insane, and the sameface has gotten so bad...idk i miss when op women used to look normal and could just exist without being Sexy Women bc that was a thing at the beginning and i really loved that...now its just like wow all titty no waist legs are 100x longer than normal....not to mention the writing for women in op has gone way downhill...ugh. ANYWAYS onward 

ofc as soon as i say that theres a rlly cute and p normal looking cover w/nami...i love her sm shes my fav character thats part of the reason this bothers me so much lol 

i miss her short hair tho...the long hair is pretty and i like her different hairstyles but i defs prefer the short spunky look. i wish she wouldve gotten a cool bellmere-esque haircut after the timeskip at least

ok im p sure i didnt read this...? i dont remember hgbvhjaksdfk

GERMA THEME SONG HBVJSDUIFJBSF are you telling me that the raid suit activation process involves a THEME SONG....please i need to hear this. thats so fuckign funny

‘GERMAAAAAAAAAAA’ [sanji doing an unironic magical girl transformation] IT CANT BE OVERSTATED HOW HILARIOUS AND AMAZING THIS IS LMAOOOOOO 

i think we saw this w/his siblings during whole cake but i forget lmao

of course franky and usopp are like OOOH FUCK YEAH 

HHBDSJKFJSB the implications of law knowing Exactly who that is....like i really need to see an omake of a campy power rangers/sentai/whatever-esque show/comic with all these germa personas omfgggggggg

and law having read the comics is SO funny 

also. sanjis hair is SO unfortunate lmaooo

O SOBA MASK HBVHSJDKUFJBDSK

germa was the bad guy group in the comics....good lmao 

law was defs a fan he knows ALL the lore LMAOOO

A BABY SANJI....and then sanji being weird. skip! 

ironic hows theyre like oh shit gotta challenge this dude so he doesnt destroy the town and their fight is gonna level the place anyways lmao 

oh i did read this i think cause i remember all those ninja busting robin for sneaking around

which ok theyre ninja but robin could grow eyes for surveillance so it doesnt make much sense that shed be caught so easily...alas

THAT GUYS HEAD HBVHJFKD LMAO

oh yeah then big mom washes up w/amnesia lmao. i hope that plotline doesnt suck, i dont have too much hope...normally i really like amnesia plotlines and honestly i think itd be cool to explore w/like one of the strawhats but in this case it just seems kinda like a lazy way to take big mom out of the game :/ my prediction is she’ll get her memory back at a certain time thats convenient to the plot, just in time for like an all out war w/kaidou and the straw hats and the yakuza maybe? we shall see (possibly) 

ok its past 6 am so its bedtime. more later! 

[jewpacabruhs]

Love how having different Cartman’s headcanons means you automatically see him as a bigot or something negative. There’s billions of headcanons people give him. Yet, you can’t seem to process that everyone is different and won’t like the same thing you like.

luv wakin up to ppl deciding my words mean one thing when they dont. one thing about me is i never say one thing and mean another. i say exactly what i want to be heard, and it's not up for interpretation, even tho yall always twist my words (and im talking strictly about me in all this, not any of my friends, jus me). if i say it, take it at face value. and all ive ever said is that certain versions of kyman/cartman are antisemitic in nature. can they be redeemed? absolutely. kyman as a whole ship has been redeemed imo.

ive said tall!cartman and short!kyle makes me wary because it imposes a physical power imbalance where there's already a psychological and verbal one - but if someone makes it clear that their tall!cartman isn't abusive, then it's just fine! but ive noticed that there's a natural inclination to make the tall person in a ship the overbearing one, and that in general makes me uncomfortable, but especially when done in kyman - it's icky to me. but if tall!cartman is a decent human lol (and ur definition of decent might be different than mine), again, lovely! it's just the pairing of physical dominance with mental dominance. iv grown wary over the years of certain... red flags that seem to be present in legitimately antisemitic "interpretations" of kyman.

now, what one considers antisemitic is debatable, though i've never encountered a jewish "mountain" kyman & therefore as a jew talking to goyim, i think my opinion on it should be valued. and i'm not saying im the authority on all things jewish, but im friends with... four jews in this fandom now and we all have the same opinion on kyman. i think that's notable. i'm jus the loudmouth one. and additionally i don't think it's a ridiculous opinion that should be adhered to under like. a dictatorial iron fist. like people seem to think, if im not lai's lackey, i'm a neurotic jew-bitch that wants to police the fandom, but i consider myself a pretty realistic and self-aware person, and i like to think i don't get clouded by righteous self-conviction. so if i got ridiculous, i'd admit it. but i can honestly say i really dont think i have.

all ive ever said, and u can fact-check this claim because i never delete posts, is that some versions of kyman are or border on being antisemitic, and it makes me sad. ive gotten a little aggressive at times, when faced with death threats and intimidation swastikas, but always in public and always bluntly. lemme reaffirm that: i never send anons. i rarely dm ppl. and everything i've said privately to people i've argued with over the last year, i'd be comfortable posting, because i don't think i've ever said or done anything wrong - and you might roll ur eyes at that, but like i said, i pride myself on being levelheaded and nondelusional about my own actions. if i went crazy with power lmao, i'd admit it & go "damn wtf". in any other debate, i'd step into the other side's shoes, but in this case i cant, because everyone who's argued with me seems to really wanna hold onto their antisemitism, and i can't sympathize with that.

anyway. it's not an issue of liking the same thing i like. for me, it's only ever been about antisemitism. for lai, i don't wanna speak for her but kyle means the world to her and she dislikes when people do him dirty - for me, frankly, i don't really give two shits about kyle, but him being jewish means im automatically protective of him, especially because he has been done horribly dirty in the past. people can do whatever they want, but if someone tells someone their portrayal is a little iffy (and that's all i've ever done. i never send anons, i never send my friends after people. i say that with full honesty.), they shouldn't take that as bullying or cruelty; they should go "omg im sorry i didnt know! do u hav suggestions on how i can do better? i love kyle and kyman so i wanna do him/it justice." but if they laugh and embrace the accusation & proudly deem themselves a "bad kyman" or a nazi lmao, i think it's safe to assume there's some legitimate antisemitism under there.

and if they don't try to do kyman in a less offensive way, if they spitefully and intentionally make cartman creepier and more bigoted, make kyle girlier and more pathetic, have cartman call kyle "jew" ten times more than they already did - it's sus. it makes me wonder why you even ship them at all. because kyman should never be about antisemitism. that's not a big part of it. the original appeal was a rival ship, and now it's about their extreme dependence on each other. if people think demeaning kyle and his religion is a necessary part of kyman... 😬😬😬

[marypsue]

the one where summer and wendy fight about self-destruction

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Summer lies flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

The hospital room is never actually quiet. There’s always something beeping outside the door, always somebody talking or laughing or calling out in the hall, always, always, even when everything else stops, the low constant thrum of machines in motion.

Still, somehow, the empty room is oppressively silent.

Beep.

Summer shifts onto her right side, her face to the window, head sinking into the divot in the little flat pillow. The streetlight outside glares directly down into her face through the slats in the curtain. 

Beep. 

Summer turns over onto her left side, shifting her hand so that the IV isn’t crushed against the bed. The liquid pulsing into her arm through the huge fucking needle in her hand is cold, and she tugs the thin blanket farther up over her shoulders. It takes three tries. 

Beep.

She lies still, listening to her own breathing and the call bells outside her room and the whir and occasional clunk of the air conditioning.

Beep.

“What the hell, Summer!”

“Oh. Okay. We’re going with confrontational after all,” Tina says, in that deadpan monotone that makes it impossible to tell whether she’s fucking hilarious or just really, really boring. 

Wendy doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe care. She crosses the hospital room in two steps to glower down at Summer, one hand twitching at her hip where she usually carries that stupid axe. Summer’s head is still spinning too hard for her to give a shit and the IV port in her hand hurts like a motherfucker. Wendy can take her self-righteous bullshit right back out to the nurses’ station and let Summer sleep.

“Oh my god,” she mutters, throwing up an arm to shade her eyes. “Can you shift, like, three inches to the right? Then you’ll be completely blocking the hall light.”

"You -" Wendy starts, and then spins to put her back to Summer's bed with a sound that Summer would peg somewhere between a huff and a scream.

"Hi, Summer," Tina says, waving from the doorway. "How're you feeling."

"Like shit," Summer says. "What are you two doing here?"

"I think we're making sure you're all right," Tina says.

"Nope. Change of plans," Wendy snaps, the sarcasm in her voice lashing like a whip. "We're gonna kill her."

"Yeah, yeah, love you too," Summer mutters into her pillow, rolling over.

"I mean it, Summer!" There's a moment of ominous silence before Wendy says, low and deliberate and tight, "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was having fun, Corduroy. Maybe you've, like, heard of it?"

"Well, I'm sorry my definition of 'fun' doesn't include putting myself and a teenager in the ER!"

"Maybe we can just...talk things over," Tina suggests, quietly, to no one in particular, somewhere under the yelling. "Maybe this is the beginning of a productive dialogue. Getting our feelings out in the open."

"Well, I'm sorry you're boring!"

"Oh yeah, what, you're gonna insult me and I'm just gonna get distracted and drop it?" Wendy laughs. It's not a happy laugh. "Seriously, are you trying to hurt yourself? Because that's what it's starting to look like!"

"Oh. Yeah. Because axe-throwing is such a safe, normal sport. Because you've never done anything dangerous that could fuck you up if it went wrong. God, you're such a fucking hypocrite! You're all such a bunch of stupid fucking hypocrites!"

Wendy makes this little aborted noise like she was about to yell something back, but stopped herself. "Okay, I've put up with a lot of your crap, but you crossed a line tonight, Summer. Hollyhock had to have her stomach pumped, she still hasn't woken up -"

"Yeah, well, how is it, like, my fault she can't handle her liquor?"

"She's fourteen years old, you -" Wendy cuts herself off with another frustrated shout, and Summer sits bolt upright in bed even though it makes her head spin.

"You what? You what? Come on, Corduroy, screw your Y-7 rating! Bring it on! Call me a bitch like I know you really want to!"

"Why do you always do this? Why do you always have to push people like this?" Wendy tugs at her short red hair, pacing back and forth beside the hospital bed. "The messed up thing is that I actually like myself when I'm not around you. But you - you just - argh!"

"I what? Bring out the worst in you? Ever consider that, like, maybe you don't need any help with that?"

Wendy is dangerously silent and still for a moment.

Then she kicks the base of Summer's IV stand so hard it topples to the floor and starts to let out a godawful earsplitting beep, and storms out of the room.

"Wow," Tina observes, monotone, over the beeping. "You really pissed her off."

"Yeah, so?" Summer snaps, turning over on her side so she doesn't have to look at Tina's stupid face. "Aren't you gonna, like, go running after her like the useless hanger-on you are?"

"Okay, that was hurtful," Tina says, still in that monotone almost-whisper. Summer throws a pillow at her. Or, at least, in her general direction. She doesn't look to see if her projectile found its mark. "Wendy has a point. You're always trying to push people. Do you think, if you hurt them first and worst, that they can't hurt you? Or are you just trying to show them how bad you really are so they'll leave before you get too attached, instead of after it's too late?"

"You've been reading too much fanfiction, Belcher," Summer groans. "Stop trying to psychoanalyse me, okay? I love people. All I want in the world is to be fun and popular and have lots of friends, obviously. Wendy's just being a megabitch, and I'm so super sick of it."

"If you say so," Tina says. "So then obviously you'd want me to stay."

Summer groans and reaches out for her pillow to bury her face in, remembering too late that she'd thrown it at Tina. The IV port in her hand is throbbing, now, and her arm is really tangled up in the cord hooked on the fallen IV stand.

"Tina," she's finally forced to admit, "I need your help."

"Oh," Tina says. Her eyes dart from right to left, hands coming up to clutch each other in front of her chest, like an old lady with a purse or a velociraptor. Compysag-whatever. Dinosaur. "I...didn't actually think I'd get this far."

"Oh my god. Not with my, like, personality or whatever! Come help me untangle this IV!"

...

The hospital keeps her until ten o'clock, and then kicks her out.

Wendy’s waiting in the waiting room, leaning against the wall. She kicks herself up and falls into step beside Summer as Summer passes by on her way to the door. They don’t look at each other. Wendy doesn’t say anything, and Summer doesn’t either.

The first time either of them says anything is when they pile into Wendy’s terrible old beater and Wendy cranks the radio. It’s the most stupidly passive-aggressive move, and Summer has to roll her eyes. “Oh my god. Whatever it is, just spit it out.”

Wendy lets out a long, too-loud breath. 

“I can’t keep this up,” she says. “You have to get your drinking under control, or I’m out.”

Summer stares out the window. They haven’t started moving yet, so she’s just looking at a bunch of parked cars like a dumbass.

“Fine,” she says. “Whatever. Is that it? Can we go?”

“Summer, I’m serious,” Wendy says. “You need to - talk to somebody, or, or something. I can’t keep catching you when you obviously just want to crash and burn.”

“God, you’re no fun anymore,” Summer sighs, flopping her head against the window. “Who said I wanted you to catch me?”

“Nobody,” Wendy mutters. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you just want to drag me down with you.”

Summer sucks in an angry breath through her nose, holds it.

“Fine,” she says, and slams the car door open. “You know what, I’ll just take the bus.”

She doesn’t look back as she storms between the rows of cars, but she hears Wendy’s engine rattle to life. A few seconds later, the red rustbucket rumbles past her, heading for the parkade exit. 

It doesn’t stop as it passes Summer. It doesn’t even slow down.

[circustears]

i know all the people you vent to or know coddle you, but I want you to know that what you’re doing is unhealthy. faking is unhealthy. you’re really not trying to get better and you’re glorifying your problems. you need to make an actual effort. you know that, deep down.

and you still crytype? if you’re gonna vent, don’t do it in a server where a bunch of people can see you... it’s not healthy and you need to be in a more privatized area 

i think its funny cuz actually i have been getting better considering im not lying about all of my feelings and planning my own death 24/7 ! and i dont crytype on purpose im usually on mobile on my tiny phone and its hard to type correctly when ur umm crying and shaking a bunch lol

i know i still have things to work on and i am trying!! i really am!! ive gotten so much better already im just trying to figure out how to communicate better and actually try to be honest and not hurt people .. bc i never ever wanna hurt people i like having friends and being trusted and loved and for so long i WAS faking a lot and i admit that!! i havent been the best person!! and i know im not even now but im still making an effort to make myself better because i have someone important to me that i want to get better for ... im not going to act self righteous or laugh it off or whatever  because you are right! a lot about me is fake and i do still have issues and i cant change that .. only learn how to cope with it better ! and im still trying to learn how to but i do know that i am getting better compared to before at the LEAST and i really do appreciate the people who support me and encourage me to get better !

also

you know I’m right. you can’t just ignore me.

congrats u proved urself to be seeking attention from someone u dont even know! 

[thisiswhereikeepmywords]

A big issue I have in interpersonal conflict (usually in romantic relationships but also otherwise) is that I tend to ask "was this really necessary to make an issue out of?" and feel as though I'm a fucking crazy person for bringing something up, even if I play the conversation perfectly - although it should be noted that I rarely do. I think there have been a lot of situations in my life where the answer to that question is a "hard no", and I guess I often don't feel equipped to fully judge if I am ever justified in having an issue. This has been particularly an issue in major romantic relationships (Kate, Roxi in particular) because if they got a vote the answer would be "NO". Kate could cheat on me and somehow make me feel like I had fucked up and deserved it. After all of that logical wasn't super helpful, because there would always be an argument why I should endure a negative situation (or that it wasn't that bad, considering most of the time the thing that cracks you is something that in itself is very small in isolation). As a result I have defaulted to "feeling"; If a situation feels bad, I generally run. And also I review how I've been talking or thinking about a situation, before the incident that made disassociation attractive. If Ive been quietly thinking that a situation is a little toxic for a while, it probably is. I've sort of hit that point with Ubong. Its strange to feel this way about a long term platonic friendship, particularly one that has been really valuable to me. I was getting really fucking close to her before that whole Wisef thing. But the knowledge that she has the potential to react to a gaff like an unstable 16 year old doesn't provide much security in the friendship. Particularly the realization that when it comes down to it, she's more interested in self-righteous anger (keep in mine that she's been validated, apologized to, and had assurances of a change of behavior) and 'winning' than nurturing the friendship, if something should come up. After that time I just have had a feeling that Im mostly a burden to her, and she's not communicative enough to either solve the problem or to at least let me know where I stand. This has really contributed to a general sense of insecurity around her, that Ive been able to ignore in the moments when she has shown some enthusiasm for my company (usually when I give her some space and let her come to me). An initially fine dialogue over a meme resulting in her telling me to concern myself with my own relationships. Ubong has a tendency to take issue with people in every environment she's in, and in our gym circles this can create difficulties for her, and by association me (because I have to consider this variable and avoid being my natural level of friendly toward people/sheild her from people/etc) - so I'll gently try to encourage understanding or direct communication, because it effects me. Now Ubong never highlighted this as being the issue, but I suspect that it place a part. She highlighted a particular piece of language I use, which is to refer to people of positive or negative association as "ya boy/your son/your dad/your mate". Anyway it appear that this has been a big ol' issue for Ubong, although she never bought it up at the time and has been stewing on it for ages and resenting my failure to recognize it (read her mind). The initial sly (played off as a joke) accusation of being overly involved with other people's business to her detriment, bothered me and I didn't play it super well - "hey dude it is too early in the morning for spontaneous accusations", to which she both denied, and then doubled down referencing a non-specific "this" as a focus of reoccurring conflict (later clarified as interpersonal relationships - which makes sense in that I think it is a point of insecurity for both of us). Her response was minimizing, straw-man arguments, and then finally bringing up the terminology she had taken issue with in the past, for which she got an apology, validation, and a reassurance of a change of behavior. The final word in the

conversation was my dropping my issue (when I realized she didn't really want to deal with it, which is fine Im not fighting the reality of that) and her reiterating that I should have read her mind. We have not spoken in a couple days. All in all Im happy with how Ive matured in that I no longer feel anger or failure to accept that nature of the situation, which in the past has led to (again, romantic context) thinking of "either I have a real shot of making it work with this person, or need to completely disassociate because they suck" which has resulted in me not wanting to throw away the good aspects, so accepting the negative. I feel like I can accept that Ubong isn't good for somethings, and while I have done my best to be a solid friend, it is time to release an aspect of my dedication to that mission, with the knowledge that it was one sided. I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's in pain, is immature and has not been taught how to communicate effectively, which is a running theme of my frustration with the people in academia. Unless she tells me not to I still will go to her comp on Saturday, and will still be there for her when she calls, but I think I will stop putting in effort that I am not confident will be appreciated. Also Im going to stop the exchange of memes, as the use of social media is an activity that is harmful to my health which I accepted for her benefit, as this is one of the key ways she communicates. I'll probably stop trying to be in the gym at the same time as her, but if not then I will more aggressively give her space during that time.

Ive been scared of isolation, and that's still a major concern, but I think isolation is a burden that I will willingly take on in order to better achieve my best self.