#ive made this exact same post before but its really hitting me working on the fic

[thedragonagelesbian]

Doing legacy, night terrors, and dissent all right in a fucking row really is the anders nightmare train huh

[5-pp-man]

another tierlist because ppl actually liked that first one;

the crème de la crop;

the first 2 eps i thought it was fine, but it didnt really captivate me as much as id hoped. but then ep 3 changed everything for me. i started to think "how could living armour work logically? everything so far has been edible, so this must be too, right?" i actually managed to think of the exact thing that this series did. that really made me realise the worldbuilding in this was something unique, and it only got better and better with each episode. its really managed to captivate me and i look forward to "delicious donderdag" every week :)

ANIME ORIGINAL LETS GOOOO absolutely bonkers show that almost slipped by me because it initially tried to fool its audience into thinking it was a regular dramatic military show. it still is but theres also a giant robot who plays by saturday morning cartoon giant robot rules. if that sounds like tonal whiplash to you, trust me, it is. and its amazing. have i mentioned how homoerotic this one is as well? yeah. originally a tier below this one, but immediately after finishing this post i watched the newest ep. i had to make an exception and edit the list because ep 9 changes everything. i havent been gobsmacked by a show this hard in a while.

(return of the) show(s) that execute their own premise very well;

i havent read the manga for yubisaki to renren so i cant compare, but the quality of this adaptation has been very consistent. you need a little sweet romance every once in a while :) this is one of those series where the characters really grew on me the longer it went on. im always a fan of mixing realistic struggles with romance and this one has been doing it well so far

adaptations that are ok (i read the manga for both of these);

i've been a mashle fan since before s1 aired. and the anime has some good changes and additions here and there! but its not very consistent in terms of quality, it does that shonen thing where the animation quality suddenly spikes for certain action sequences, but it also frequently had a lot of scenes where they recycle shots a lot and nothing interesting happens on the screen for a considerable amount of time. still! its a fine adaptation. and yeah the op for this. blew tf up lmao? very strange to see happen in real time

i actually rlly like the manga for this one. i read the whole thing up until vol.6 before the season started (all that was available back then) and it made me cry multiple times throughout. i was sort of missing that connection with the show, though some of the later episodes still hit. its mostly to do with the animation quality, which isnt that great unfortunately. the voice actors are knocking it out of the park though

wghere am i;

is this show good? i. uh. will you hate me if i say yes...? objectively, i know its not that good. especially in the animation department. but if you like other Umatani shows, you'll like this one. it's got the same brand of goofy reactionary humour mixed with gimmicky tacky characters and crazy stupid plot twists. ive been faithfully watching this one each week and I'm afraid i've become very invested. overscientific indeed

bro you fell off...;

i was so beyond excited for this one. i replayed the op a million times, watched each preview, rewatched multiple episodes. and then. ep 5 happened. and i started to realise. oh this show kind of sucks doesnt it? the pacing of the first ep was great, but the rest? way too fast. it became clear with ep 6 that theyre trying to do a double cour show with half the length, which is why they started hauling ass plot-wise. now. i was an arajin apologist for the longest time. but at that point i honestly started to loathe him. even when he stepped up, his praise still felt sort of unearned. and to top it all off, shindou's motivation sucked so he felt like a lousy antagonist. ep6 was better than 5, but it really made me lose my enthusiasm and hope for the series. and right as we were talking about them probably not having time for a filler ep, ep7 happened. feels like a waste of time to do an ep like that when you've still got a whole 2nd arc to go through. but who am i

it started off pretty good honestly. but then chris went to the hospital and it kind of just dwindled from there. this season does so much with characters that have not even been properly introduced like how am i supposed to care about these people if i barely know who they are. the stuff with finn and leo respectively was good though. but the lore dump? lord help me. also vijay just kind of. exists to be there in the background huh? i would not call him a main character they never give him any attention. wendy had another ep again and he didnt get shit. again. also i think finn was stupid as fuck for not listening to lala but again. who am i. i know we cant destroy high card because we need a show but. cmon man.

i am severely behind on these;

reason why im behind is because most of the eps are a bit heavy so i kept. not watching them. its starting to get rlly interesting though so i'm def gonna catch up this is one of those robo-racism shows so i have to really watch out to see where its going. dont want another marginal service situation...

sorry this is just. a little too boring for me. its charming, sure. but i think this wouldve worked better as something with an 11 min timeslot instead of 23 min. theres just a bit too mu- or well, too little for me to rlly get into this. i think reading it would be more fun for me personally

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MACKERELMORE hii good morning i hope u r goodddd :] anyway. staring up at u w/ my big sopping wet shark eyes.... do u have any new haven wards costume opinions & thoughts. ik a while ago u said smth abt imprint showing an Inadvisable amount of skin considering his power bc he's cocky & it's an intimidation thing..... wraith with the whisperer cloak... what else!!!

AH hello!!! I have been. underwater all morning <3 I will be underwater again all afternoon but it's lunch time first :] I will say hi 2 the sharks for u . blow the grouper a kiss etc etc

UHHHHHHHH I DONT HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF THOUGHTS OTHER THAN WHAT WE'VE SAID BEFORE especially because. outfit design is not my strong suit idk how to talk about clothes lmao. but! the generals:

wraith: big loose fitting clothes that conceal a layer of body armor. they let him move and give him a bigger silhouette than he actually has and look deceptively weak? you go to kick a guy in a hoodie and your foot hits a kevlar vest instead. whisperer cape is a must. i dont think he knows the similarity. william was never big into capes i think if he ever saw anything of the whisperer it was only in passing and not enough to stick in his mind. full-face mask (which i would assume is like.... built into the hood somehow? to keep it up on his head better as hes moving), undecided on whether he would keep his hair fully covered or let some of it out from under the hood. i think at first his costume would be white with blue accents ("ghostly" vibes without being too scary) but as time goes on i think it would be cool if it got darker and darker until the white parts have gone from grey-dark grey-black (idk how that would work mechanically but. nudges greyscale implications)

failsafe: HONESTLYYYYY I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR HIM SO FAR. crop top is essential. failsafe has way more skin showing than imprint. i think hed keep his knuckles/forearms taped bc his fighting style is very physical? i know dakotas whole thing is kicks only but i think failsafe should get to punch things super hard too like cmon. hes got the likee.... headband mask . i like what u have for him a lot. i think his pants are a lot like wraiths thing where theyre loose and mobile but hes wearing armor under them.

imprint: tactical. his stuff is mostly black i dont think he would budge on that for anything. i do think he should have skin showing like. in case they get caught off guard by a fight i dont think hed want to take the time to have to pull off sleeves or gloves or whatever in case he needed to use his powers in a snap. i DO however think he has gloves just for convenience's sake. but i think he keeps specific body parts uncovered? majority of his arms for sure. he has the half-face mask. idk if this is something the prt would necessarily allow but i think he has a lot of straps and belts and things for holding weapons. i feel like hes trained in so many ways to fight he would probably always want at least a knife or gun on him at all times. the purple accents were the PR teams additions so he wouldnt be totally black. since he wanted to keep his shitty dyed purple hair, theyd at least make the costume match so it looked somewhat cohesive and intentional

OH YEAH u didnt ask abt tide but its very important to me that his costume is like a wetsuit. i havent made my post about tide and wetsuits yet but i think abt him a lot. also i think the ear fins are cosmetic and not a result of weird clone things but i do think he should keep them bc i think theyre cute. ive been imagining wavelengths costume pretty much the exact same as in pd . and i have. no ideas for auxiliary but whenever i think abt him i think abt ur timeline art so thats canon 2 me

[uwua3]

Hello! Sunflowers hold a really special meaning for me so when i read the "sunflower dreams" My heart was so happy!! I havent felt this happy in a long time since quarantine started so thank you for taking the time to write it! It really made my day. If i could request a kazunari x reader where they're both artists that would be amazing. Maybe the reader can be a famous anonymous art influencer? Its up to you! Again thank you so much for writing "sunflower dreams" 💜

i’m so happy i could make you smile ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) it’s messages like these that absolutely make my day! thank you so much for taking your time to even read it, i’m glad to know it touched your heart ♡ i hope you have a good rest of your day—please know all of a3! love you vvv much!!! ｀･ω･)9 i hope this makes your heart happy just like before! thank you, anon, for everything

summary: every time you fell in love, you made a new art piece

author’s note: please smile from this absolutely soft and endearing kazunari fluff! in times like these where negativity is all around us, it’s good to take a break and purposely give yourself happiness. i hope this is a light in your day and makes you experience all the goodness of love! ♡ — concept based on “to all the boys i’ve loved before”

word count: 3,389

music: i like me better – lauv

to everyone i’ve loved before.

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

you created art every time you had a crush so intense, you didn’t know what else to do

no matter how big or small it was, or how long or short it lasted, love is love. even if it was a random stranger you’d never see again or someone you knew for a lifetime, love is love

therefore, there was no exact total. because even if you didn’t remember every single person you’ve made art for, you clearly remembered what it was like experiencing the euphoria of love. the phenomenon of your heart selflessly beating for someone else. the attack of getting hit by cupid’s arrow out of no where. the rush of emotions unlike any other

love was everywhere and you made sure to create something that was a memory of it. that was when you decided to practice art after being unable to recall a person’s face a moment too long

it was your form of a love letter. a picture spoke a thousand words you couldn’t write, and art was the perfect way to convey that. online for everyone to see were your love letters in art form: portraits of everyone you’ve loved

you fell in love again and again, a new art piece posted soon over the years of your life. under the username, to-everyone-ive-loved, a lifelong project was in the works for all of social media to see

unknown to the rest of the world, you were the artist behind the blog “to-everyone-ive-loved” who created portraits from memory

but, you didn’t mean to fall in love with another artist as well

all it took was one comment and you were theirs

it was one of your most recent posts, a finished piece on a stranger you saw. you found yourself in veludo way, the ideal street to find people you’d never forget. after witnessing a sudden street act, only one actor caught your eye that day

you didn’t know his name, but you didn’t need to. you were in love

you immediately rushed home without a second thought, the inspiration and creativity infectious after watching him perform. something about his energy was wildly entertaining and bizarre, like a modern pop song as a person. he was effortlessly trendy, popular, and charismatic just from the few minutes you saw him

the moment he stood up on that street corner like it was a stage, all eyes were on him and he knew it. as you sketched into the day, you remembered the small details clearly. dirty blonde hair with no dark roots in sight, glittering green eyes, wide welcoming smile. he had the face of an actor, that’s for sure

when you posted it right after finishing, you didn’t expect any major attention. on average, your posts got 100 likes or so. while it was an impressive feat, nothing could’ve prepared you for that one comment

kaz-PIKO: i’m in love with your art ♡

as your popularity and fame grew before your very eyes, you clicked on his profile and realized it was him. the actor you had seen earlier at veludo way

you didn’t know what happened, but all you knew was you couldn’t forget this one person, miyoshi kazunari, no matter how hard you tried

no matter where you went, you couldn’t draw anyone else except that boy named kazunari. after scrolling through his entire instablam account, you found out he was an actor for mankai company’s summer troupe. he was a star in his own right, with a stage presence like the spotlight was constantly on him and a heart of gold

this was the first time you ever got so caught up on someone that they didn’t leave your mind. hours became days, and days began becoming a week before you let yourself follow him back

everyone you had ever drawn had never recognized themselves before. it was all because a follower connected the visual similarities between your art and kazunari’s unique traits that kazunari knew you had seen him before

if only he wasn’t a social media influencer with followers reaching the hundreds of thousands. at least, his popularity attracted attention to your profile...

this was a problem, however. because if you couldn’t draw anyone else, what could you do? once again, you stalked kazunari’s blog once again like it was a habit

it was never really a rule to make one love letter per person, but you never had wanted to make another for the same person. until, now

video after video. picture after picture. story after story. you could see kazunari’s face even when you closed your eyes. what about him made you daydream about him constantly? was it his charming voice that could make anyone stop and stare? his intricate piercings that were different every day? his ability to make you feel at home? whatever it was (or maybe it was an accumulation of everything and more), you had to draw kazunari again

when you posted it, you typically didn’t add more to the caption than the date and time. except this time, you felt like all your rules were being broken over someone who had no idea who you were

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 A.M.) — social butterfly

you watched it upload. it was a piece you had never done before. glowing butterflies of all colors surrounded the center of the masterpiece, a smiling kazunari

hopefully, this would solve whatever feelings you were having and the world would go back to normal. you’d move on, fall in love with someone else, and repeat

it didn’t work, because some time later, you woke up to a comment that made you feel the butterflies in your stomach

kaz-PIKO: like a butterfly, i’ll fly to you, wherever you are~ ☆

and for some reason, you wanted kazunari to find you

you had never felt so motivated to draw before. however, your muse was the same. a beautiful boy named miyoshi kazunari who was slowly capturing your heart without even knowing it. you watched the pages in your sketchbook lessen and lessen. the corners of assignments and napkins and anything in between was covered in doodles. if there was a writing instrument in your hand, something related to kazunari would come out of it

it was a fascination. a fixiation, even. you had only seen one performance before falling in love. was it because kazunari responded that it made you feel like you had a chance?

you wouldn’t admit it, but it was becoming embarrassing with how much you were staring at the few unread messages from kazunari in your dm box. they came in right after you had followed him back, and more arrived when you posted the “social butterfly” piece

what was stopping you from talking to your muse? you knew the answer without thinking: what if these feelings were real?

obsessions and crushes come and go, but... love, love stayed. there wasn’t any possibility you could love someone from afar without knowing anything about them, right?

but, then again... you did know some things about kazunari. you knew kazunari was the best actor of all time, with expressions and gestures the equivalent of art. kazunari was art—in every single way possible. everything about him made you want to draw and draw and draw

you only drew kazunari for a certain time, no matter which stranger crossed your path. people you knew you would’ve sketched simply became passer-bys, and it was all because of kazunari’s sunny smile that you were in love. or, what you thought was love

the more you thought about kazunari’s unread dms, the more you wondered what this was. why did kazunari make you so happy? was this truly the first time you were experiencing... a crush?!

for the first time since that street act, you found yourself in veludo way. while half of you was hoping you’d randomly bump into summer troupe’s moodmaker, the other half was petrified about how kazunari was a real person. a very much popular, recognizable person

it was the weekend, and the burden of university projects was telling you to go back and focus. yet, with a sketchbook in one hand and a pencil tucked behind your ear, you were very much prepared to draw to your heart’s content

as you tried to flip to a clean page, you heard something that made your heart flutter. despite the noise and busy atmosphere of veludo, a distinct laugh was audible above the crowd. when you looked up, your eyes barely registered a deep blue jacket before walking straight into the person

you nearly tumbled to the ground before two hands steadied you, a surprised “whoa!” leaving their mouth before being followed by a gentle laugh. the usual embarrassment didn’t set in until you went to go thank the person, only to stop

oh my god. you had just bumped into miyoshi kazunari, your muse for the past month or so

kazunari grinned, even though it faltered slightly at your wide-eyed expression and awkward silence. he didn’t seem to mind as he adjusted his black top hat, pocketing his phone and confidently meeting your gaze

“i’m so sorry~! i hope you’re okay, i’m kazunari!” kazunari introduced and you realized he didn’t know you were behind to-everyone-ive-loved-before. you quickly adjusted yourself, pretending as if this wasn’t the highlight of your entire week

when you introduced yourself, kazunari’s eyes sparkled with interest as he easily led you into conversation. despite being a bit of a socially awkward artist who preferred being alone over anything else, kazunari was... comfortable. you didn’t feel self-conscious of how you acted, because he readily accepted how you were with a smile

was he like this was everyone or... did he find you to be a work of art, too?

standing off to the side, you finally noticed several members of mankai were advertising their latest play. bright, aesthetically pleasing flyers were being handed out to everyone walking by, and you seemed to look a moment too long before kazunari followed your gaze and suddenly snapped his fingers

“oh! are you interested in theatre?” you really weren’t, but you nodded anyways just to see kazunari’s excitement. he pardoned himself for a moment just to snatch a flyer, returning to show it off with a proud smile

“please come to mankai company’s summer performance!” kazunari’s smile sparkled and before he looked around to see if anyone was watching, he winked. kazunari covered the side of his face that was facing his troupe members, pretending as if you two were sharing some big secret

“plus, i’ll be there. if you come, i’ll make sure to do my very best~” kazunari bargained, even though you already knew he was already planning on wowing the audience with his charisma. you took in his genuine want to impress you and the butterflies came back

“i’ll come.” you agreed without even checking the date or reading anything. now all of you just wanted more & more opportunities as the person kazunari was surprisingly interested in, not as the artist who was basically in love with him

agreeing right away was worth it when kazunari shot you a grateful, blinding smile in return. you stumbled over your words with how taken back you were, but asked anyways, “do you like flowers?”

kazunari’s eyes softened for a moment, his usual energy suddenly gone before returning. he seemed genuinely moved by your question, and you wondered how many flowers it’d take to see him smile again like that

“i do, especially if they’re from you.”

“what kind?”

someone called kazunari’s name, insisting they were going to be late for practice. kazunari shouted back an agreement by telling them to go ahead first, before putting all his attention on you once again

“hibiscus.” meaning delicate beauty

before kazunari could ask for your socials, with his hand already reaching for his phone, you cut him off, hoping your voice wasn’t off

“next week. 7 P.M., mankai theatre. i’ll be there, front row.” you promised and took off, rushing off with a wave as kazunari stared after you for a second before waving back enthusiastically

as you left, kazunari was about to leave before he noticed something on the ground. it was a plain sketchbook, unassuming at first but it was nearly bursting at the binding with how many pages there were

when kazunari picked it up, he was about to flip to the first page before mankai called his name again, impatient this time. kazunari held onto the book and sent one last glance towards your direction before disappearing, hurrying to make sure the director wouldn’t penalize him for being the reason everyone was late

when you arrived home, you instinctually reached for the pencil behind your ear. at the same time, you put your hand in your bag, attempting to feel the familiar edges of your sketchbook

then, after turning your bag inside out and finding nothing, you collapsed onto your desk chair with shock and disbelief

you lost your sketchbook in veludo way the moment you met kazunari. what if he had it?

you drew another piece and stared at your screen, wondering if you should post it. it was kazunari once again with a yellow hibiscus flower behind his ear, the same gentle smile you couldn’t perfectly capture gracing his lips

you typed the caption and backspaced before settling on something that only you and him would know

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (8:01 P.M.) — delicate beauty

you hesitated before deleting the post a second after. maybe, you’d keep some artwork to yourself

kazunari had the sketchbook open next to his bedside, his phone in his hands and your profile open. he could recognize your art style a mile away, and the moment he saw the first sketch after practice, he couldn’t believe it

did this explain why he felt such a natural attraction to you? when you bumped into him, kazunari swore he could see the sparks flying. you made him feel like he was falling in love and you only proved him right when you two talked earlier. he wanted to know everything about you, he wanted to see you again

was this what love at first sight felt like? kazunari giddily typed a message over and over again, the unread messages of his filling his screen

kaz-PIKO: heya!! ★>d(,,･ε´-,,)⌒☆ just wanted to say i LOVE your art fr!!! we should totes collab, you know???

kaz-PIKO: thanks for drawing me btw :0 does this mean you live near veludo? let’s meet up!!!

kaz-PIKO: ,,, i don’t usually say this but, that social butterfly piece was breathtaking. you must really like me, huh? (･ω<)☆ jk haha

kaz-PIKO: no but really, it’s beautiful. thank you, honestly. it made my day, you make me happy ♡

kaz-PIKO: you must be really beautiful, too. i would want to draw you as well. lmk if ur up for that haha

kazunari read back his previous messages, all of them delivered but unopened. he realized how... how open he already was with the anonymous faceless artist, despite never interacting with them

now that he knew what you looked like, it only reassured his intuition that he was rightfully head over heels for you

kazunari typed something before deleting it, closing out of instablam and throwing his phone somewhere on his bed

kaz-PIKO: i was right, you are beautiful. i may have fallen in love, too

some things were better left unsaid. after all, you two had until next week to figure everything out

for the rest of the week, all you and kazunari did were think about the other person. a small part of you was afraid kazunari wasn’t the dream boy you imagined, but he was much more. you noticed he started posting more often and turned his notifications, wanting to be one of the first to see his practice videos and university selfies

you didn’t post any of the art you made of kazunari, making it the longest you hadn’t posted ever. kazunari couldn’t help but refresh your account every now and then, hoping he’d see his face again, as selfish as it was. kazunari wouldn’t know how’d he feel if he saw someone else had your heart

the longer time went on, the more you were certain. every fascination you had with someone was temporary, and you remembered the feeling rather than the person. but, with kazunari, you liked him for who he was. everything kazunari made you feel was new and exciting, but even when that went away, you still liked him

kazunari was your first crush, for real

kazunari liked making people like him. so, your online confession through art wasn’t exactly a surprise. but, yours was different. it was earnest, honest, and everything he didn’t know he was needing

kazunari looked through your sketchbook again and again, tracing over the notes you wrote in the margins and admiring your skill

kazunari liked you, and he was certain he would’ve still liked you even if you weren’t to-everyone-ive-loved-before

when showtime arrived, kazunari was oddly nervous. peeking from behind the red curtain, kazunari could already see you were one of the first sitting front row, just like you said. he had practiced his lines a thousand times and summer was fully prepared, why was he nervous?

before he went on, kazunari ignored the urgency of the mankai staff and quickly texted a message to your profile, hoping you’d at least see the notification this time

kaz-PIKO: i like you, too

(when you felt your phone buzz, you quickly silenced it)

the show moved you to a standing ovation, just like everyone else in the audience. as summer walked out to bow and express their gratitude, you watched kazunari’s eyes search for yours as he tilted his head towards backstage. you nodded, knowing you’d do anything to see this kazunari. actor kazunari, who was on cloud 9 with his performance and glowing from praise

you wanted to see, to experience, to draw, all versions of kazunari

after the applause, you looked around backstage before feeling a hand on your arm, the feeling reminiscent of the first time you bumped into kazunari

“you came.” kazunari breathlessly stated, as if he was surprised. before he could say anything else, you presented him with a bouquet of hibiscus flowers. the same shade of yellow you drew him with

“of course, i wanted to see you again.” you honestly admitted, knowing it made you flustered. kazunari carefully took the flowers before grinning, gently placing then beneath his chin. he looked like a vision, you wish you could’ve asked him to stand still so you could capture this moment forever

“i wanted to see you, too.” kazunari softly said, all the energy of being on stage gone. it was tranquil and peaceful, like you two were the only people in the entire theatre

kazunari took a moment to admire you before realizing something, taking something from behind him and presenting it to you. it was your sketchbook on the bottom, but a smaller version was on top of it, signed in silver sharpie. kazunari’s signature was glittering like his eyes as you took it

“next time, let’s draw together.”

kazunari’s sketchbook was filled with you. anything from small doodles to encouraging messages was found inside, with tens of post-it notes of just thoughts about you. kazunari’s art was colorful and extremely out of the box compared to his usual traditional style. it made you smile

kazunari watched you flip through it, already knowing this was the greatest act of love he could’ve declared this early on. he anticipated for you to reach the end

when you landed on the last page, you saw a note

do you want go on a date with me?

“next time, respond to my dms! that way i don’t have to write everything~!” kazunari teased and you two shared a laugh, knowing everything was going to be okay

“yes.”

“yes...?”

“yes, i’ll respond to your dms. and yes, i’ll go on a date with you.”

eventually, you ended up closing your blog for good. your last post was a picture of you and kazunari, with one caption

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 P.M.) — to the one boy i love now, i love you

kaz-PIKO: i love you, too ♡

[kyber-crystal]

safe with him || s.r

summary: following your reunion after weeks apart drifting through space, steve becomes an overprotective mother hen and refuses to let you out of his sight.  

words: ~1.3k

warnings: very slightly mentions of angst, soft cap, fluff. UNEDITED so it’s VERY poorly written i’m sorry

a/n: a part 2 to Lost In Space, as requested by anon! it’s been FOREVER since i first published that fic but i’m so glad you went back and read it! you can read this as a standalone too tho. POST IW---PRE-ENDGAME AU

After your touched down at the compound, Steve was refusing to leave your side. 

Whenever you moved about, he was never far behind—always staying within a foot of where you stood or sat. You wanted to protest, to reassure him you were just fine—but you understood his urge to go full-on overprotective worried mother hen mode. It was in his nature to worry. 

"Darling,” he spoke so softly it took everyone by surprise. It was a tone of voice the team rarely ever heard him use—it was a tone specifically reserved for you, and only you. 

“Hmm?” You pulled his jacket tightly around your shoulders, watching Tony from outside, worriedly peering through the glass walls. “What’s up?”

"C’mere,” he spread his arms out towards you. You didn’t hesitate to step forward, walking straight into his warm embrace. As soon as your head found its way against his heart you were at ease and your hands slid up his back in response, gently gripping the fabric of his T-shirt. 

You let out a sigh of contentment, closing your eyes as he rested his chin on your head and pressed a soft kiss to your temple—letting his lips linger there for a second longer than usual. It felt nice to be with him again. After weeks of complete separation and no contact whatsoever, you’d found yourself missing Steve so much your chest physically ached just thinking about him.

If time permitted, you would’ve stayed like that forever. You wanted nothing more, nothing less, than to have him hold you until the very end of your days—and he wanted to do the same, as well. 

Your heart felt hollowed and carved out; empty after the wake of the Snap, after the world was shocked into utter devastation. You lost your practically-siblings, Wanda and Peter, you lost your best pals, Sam, Bucky, you lost your mentor and father figure, Doctor Strange. You lost all your friends and family and you didn’t know what to do. You felt lost and alone; helpless.

You sought out comfort in the warmth of Steve’s embrace and his piercing gaze, stunning blue eyes that would never fail to keep you calm yet make your heart race at the same time. Blue eyes brimming with sheer love and adoration—for you. You don’t need to say anything for him to wrap you into a tight hug—he could read you like an open book—he knew you almost as well as you knew yourself, if not even better. “Doll, I even remember your exact order from that Thai place we always order takeout from,” he’d say, “Spicy shrimp pad thai, pineapple fried rice, and taro milk tea with 50% ice and 25% sweetness,” as well as other oddly specific facts nobody else would know unless you told them yourself or they peeked through your file, “You were born (Y/B/D) at exactly 12:01:36 a.m. You’re a Brooklyn kid, just like me,” “You love action films, crime dramas, and pulling all-nighters to watch the sunrise.”

Maybe that’s what made you let down your guard around him and trust him so easily. Maybe that’s why you felt so safe around him—there was little to nothing he didn't know about you—so there was no point in hiding.

“You’re tired,” he murmured into your hair. “When’s the last time you got any rest?”

When you didn’t answer because you were too worn out to do so, he observed your bloodshot eyes and dark circles, which told him all he needed to know. “Let’s get you sitting down again, doll. You’ve had a long day.”

You nodded numbly as he led you back to the lounge. He sat down on the plushy couch next to you, and you stretched out, resting your head in his lap. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently raking his fingers through your soft hair. 

“Hey, Y/N-” Bruce paused and quickly lowered his voice when he saw you’d fallen asleep. He came and carefully draped a blanket over your body before taking a step back. “Are you sure she’s alright...”

“I don’t know,” Steve exhaled, brushing stray hairs away from your face. “If her fatigue alone is telling me anything, then...”

He nodded. “Alright...why don’t you take her back to her room, Cap, and I’ll go grab the IV drip.” 

“Rogers.”

“Hey, Nat...”

“I saw that little exchange outside." He wasn’t smirking at all, just had a small smile on. “Guess you finally worked up the courage to do it, huh.”

“Actually...she initiated it. But I think I would’ve done it sooner or later,” he smiled down at your sleeping form, “I missed her.”

“I know. I did too.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, “I’m glad she’s back. I’ve had enough of you moping around trying to get drunk, when you know for a fact you can’t.”

“Natasha...”

“I’m just messing with you,” she laughed. “I gotta go talk to Rhodes about something, so you keep taking care of your girl, alright?”

“Yeah.”

...

You woke up to find yourself in bed. An IV needle was inserted into the crook of your elbow, and a worried Steve Rogers was sitting in a chair he’d pulled up to your bedside, head in your lap as he gripped your hand tightly. 

“Hi. Steve. You awake?” 

“Hmmm?” He lifted his head up and blinked several times. “Y/N! You’re awake. That’s good.”

You yawned. “What time is it?”

“A little past 10 a.m. You hungry? I can fix something up for you, if you want. How’d you sleep? Bruce had to administer some treatments for you...you were hit pretty hard after living on nothing but packaged meals and granola bars for several weeks.”

“I don’t feel like passing out anymore,” you shrugged, “So that’s good. What about you? How much sleep did you get? Or did you stay here...the entire time...”

“A few hours, on and off.”

“And when you say few hours, you really mean...a few minutes here and there, don’t you,” you said in a slightly accusatory tone. “Steve, really? I’m not a child. I’m basically not much younger than you, I can get by on my own.”

"You had me really worried, Y/N. When I didn’t see you return...I thought I’d actually lost you. I don’t even want to think about how that’d affect me if it were to be true.”

“Awww,” you stuck your bottom lip out slightly, teasing him, “Does the big, muscular, giant puppy, Captain America, care about me?”

“I'm supposed to protect you, to watch over you,” he tried defending himself, but the flush of his cheeks gave it all away. “I’m just doing my job.”

“Okay, then...” You nodded, leaning back against the headboard, the aftereffects of all the meds beginning to catch up with you. “Man, I’m tired. Doesn’t matter if I sleep 14 minutes or 14 hours, I’m always going to feel like crap.”

“But I do care about you,” Steve corrected himself, “that’s true. I always have.”

His voice was so soothing, so calming—you wanted to swoon and fall asleep to it at the same time. You felt your stomach flutter with butterflies. 

“That’s nice,” you closed your eyes, smiling sleepily, “because I care about you too. Wouldn’t have spilled all my feelings in that voice recording if I didn’t. I was scared I’d never see you again, either...”

“A recording?” He raised a brow. “What’d it say?’

“That I love you and I always have and always will,” you breathed out, eyes still closed, “But I think I’ve made that fact obvious enough already.”

“Can I kiss you?” he spoke suddenly.

"You can kiss me any day, Captain,” you smiled as you leaned in. He closed the gap and connected your lips with his. You felt a pleasant stirring sensation in your chest—and so did he. 

And you finally felt like you were home again.

[articharys]

Ignore if you don't want to write it but maybe Spencer and reader get drunk & smoke after a case, (how they relax after a tough one) and end up admitting their feelings for eachother (they're best friends) and end up having sex. ???

Ok I literally just got this ask but I love It so I’m writing it.

requests are open btw, please send some in :)

warnings: sex, drinking, uses of weed, swearing. i think that's it

After every hard case, you and your best friend, Spencer Reid, would head to either one of your apartments and relax. And by relax you meant getting way too drunk and or high to comprehend the things coming out of your mouth. It had almost become a tradition. Of course, not having a filter when drunk meant you didn’t really care what you said (within reason) and that was never a good idea around Spencer.

You had developed a crush on the doctor after a year in the BAU, it was a gradual thing that started when one day he brought you your favourite drink into work. And yes, you did work out the exact day you fell for your best friend but that’s beside the point.

Spencer came in, hair drenched from the rain outside and holding one of those disposable cups from your favourite coffee shop

His face broadened into a big smile as he saw you battling all your paperwork at your desk,

“good morning, thought you would need this.” He said, dropping your drink of at the side of the desk and moving towards his own.

“you’re the best you know that”

“I know”

“oi, earth to y/n?” spencer questioned, pulling you out of your daydream and back into the bottle he was holding in front of you. You turn and face Spencer, limbs getting tangled in the process.

Smoke rolls out of Spencer’s lips shielding his face from view before reappearing before you could complain.

“ok that one definitely looked like a cloud.” You said, voice slurred slightly as the alcohol caught up to you.

Spencer disagrees for the twentieth time saying “no that just looked like a blob. Let me try again” before bringing the joint back to his lips and taking another slow drag, eyes half-lidded as he stares down at the glowing cherry growing dangerously close to his fingers. His eyes slip shut, his head tilts back, and a few thick, perfect smoke rings slip free from his pursed lips.

A flash of light brown peeks through his lashes, making sure you were watching.  “Show-off,” you accuse. He only smirks and moves on to a different topic of conversation.

His smirk makes your heartbeat faster, but you don’t dwell on it for two long as Spencer comes closer to you to pass the bottle of some alcohol you forgot the name of, but once the bottle was passed he didn’t stop and instead moved between your legs. Your back pressed hard on the coffee table behind you while Spencer placed his hands your thighs before his eyelids drooped.

You grab onto Spencer’s shoulders to steady him and ask, “you ok there spence?”

“just peachy, thank you.” Spencer moved closer to you, seemingly taking in everything he could about you, “you are very pretty y/n, so pretty”

A blush appeared on your face and before you knew it Spencer’s mouth was on yours. A mix of alcohol and weed invaded your senses and though it was a weird combination it was still somewhat comforting.

Though Reid sat between your legs you somehow made your way onto his lap,

“I feel tall now, you’re a tall ass guy” you say, thinking of the first thing that comes to mind and saying it out loud. It doesn’t last long because as soon as you finish your babbling Spencer kisses you again, harder this time. After a while you start to really work your hips into him, feeling your own desire burning.

You sit back grinding into him as you take another drag and he runs his hands over your torso, cupping your breasts through your shirt and pushing the offending material up and off you. He hungrily kisses between your breasts and stretches an arm behind you to unclasp your bra. He watches you exhale again. You pass it back to him and toss your bra to the side while he hits the dwindling length of the joint. He’s all soft smiles and heavy eyes as he lays his back of the front of his sofa. You follow him, pressing your exposed bodies together.

“You feel good” you say, kissing your way across his chest, teasing a nipple with your tongue and making him squirm and laugh a little more than normal.

"I’m so good right now," he smiles, taking one last long drag off the joint as you’re venturing lower, kissing his stomach and hips, hands finally reaching to his fly. You look up and watch him lick his thumb and forefinger pressing them quickly to the burning end of the joint, extinguishing what’s left before placing it with the tin on the coffee table in front of you both.

You press your mouth against his boxer clad erection protruding from his open fly, drawing slow open mouth kisses up its length. You feel him extend an arm and run a hand up and down your back and you know what he means. Every touch, every sensation feels heightened and magnified.

His fingertips turn your skin to Goosebumps and you’re all too willing to follow that hand back up and let him pull you close to him. He pushes down his jeans and you separate momentarily to rid yourself of the rest of your own clothing. All you want right now is to feel his naked body against yours, and he seems to sense this, or need the same, as he rolls you over and climbs on top of you the second you’ve both discarded your pants and underwear.

He kisses you and you can feel his erection pressed against your thigh, so you reach down to tug it gently in your hands. He moans into your mouth, tongue never leaving yours and traces his own hand down your body, stopping briefly to roll a nipple between his fingers. “Spencer, please,” you whine, arching against him and tightening your grip on his dick so he understands the urgency in your voice.

Your limbs feel slow and weighted, but your body responds to his touch amazingly quick and you can feel the pleasure radiating through you from where he’s touching.

You align his dick with yourself and look up at him with pleading eyes, you moan as he sinks into your pussy and at the same time he lowers himself down against your body.

You’re momentarily lost in sensory overload. His fingers start rubbing circles against your clit and you moan at the added sensation of having him inside you and stretching you out. His mouth is at your neck, kissing, licking, sucking a trail up and down in between your ear and shoulder, every touch adding to the building pleasure.

He starts to move, pumping slowly in and out of you and his breathless gasps and abbreviated moans tells you it feels as good for him as it does for you. His hand against your clit is sending coursing pleasure through you and you feel yourself already starting to clench as your grind back against him, meeting each of his slow, measured thrusts. It’s like you can feel every inch of him inside you, pressing all the way into you.

You bury yourself against his neck, moaning into his ear and drinking in his smell of complimentary soap and marijuana, the faintest tinges of sweat and alcohol permeating through the mask.

You feel him filling every inch of you and your body starts to shake against him, right on the brink of orgasm. His fingers are still working your clit and you feel them speed up, knowing how close you are. You’re consumed by a dizzying burst of pleasure as your climax begins to rip through you, arching up into him, screaming his name, as all you feel is course after course of shuddering release ripple through you. You clench and buck against him and you can still feel every nerve ending explode as his dick passes over. You feel him wrench his hand away and press into the sofa next to you to brace himself as he slams into you hard for his final thrusts. Your pussy is still clamping around him as he buries himself deep and you feel him groan in release. You hold him close and feel him grind himself into you as he comes deep inside you, both of your hips still giving small involuntary thrusts as your orgasms linger and slowly dissipate.

“Stoned sex is the best sex, I’m telling you.”

“shut up”

taglist:

(click here to be added)

@slutforthegubes @nataliealvarado-blog @sarcasticallywitty15  

people who i think would like this:

@shyvirgoanon @g0ldengubler @collegestudentvevo @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @pumpkin-goob @spencessmile @spencersprentiss @spencersblog @peachpitfics @railmereid @reidsconverse @insufferablelust @wonderlandhatter @sleepyreid @reidaways @yours-truly-nsfw @yours-truly-r @softyreid @illuxions-x 

a/n: this is like my 3rd fic ive posted today. weird.

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[fanfic-corner]

Dystopia Fics

I am a sucker for the end of the world. One of the first Destiel fics I ever read was set in the apocalypse, so thanks for hooking me, I guess! Anyway, here are some fics set during the end of days.

Stand By Me by whelvenwings on AO3. (31, 252 words).

Tags: Zombie Apocalypse AU, Post-Apocalypse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Slow Dancing, Masturbation, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, First Kiss, Canon-Typical Violence, Touch-Starved Dean, Love Confessions.

My Rating: 5 stars

Description: Dean Winchester has been alone for a long, long time.When he and Castiel happen to find each other - a couple of survivors in a world that’s been all but wiped clean - Dean’s looking for his brother; Castiel is looking for something to look for. They stick together, because neither of them much wants to be alone. They hate each other at first, of course. Dean hates Castiel for being weird and quiet and ironic and antagonistic and proud. Castiel hates Dean for being blunt and reckless and coarse, for drinking, for refusing to talk about how he feels and just pretending everything is fine. Most of all, they hate themselves and each other just for being alive. What right do they have to be alive? No one else seems to be.But against his own will, Dean starts to notice things about Castiel that he likes. Starts to hope that Castiel might like him, too. And together, they start to fight for a world where they're both alive - and that's a good thing.

Notes: I think this was the second Destiel fic I ever read, and I must have reread it at least twice. The ending was slightly unsatisfying, but otherwise I loved it.

Say Yes by MaggieMaybe160 on AO3. (7,996 words).

Tags: Episode: s05e04 The End, Established Relationship, Secret Relationship, Cheating, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Canon Compliant, Nearly Human Castiel, Dreams vs Reality, POV Alternating, Love Triangles, Idiots in Love, Marriage Proposal, Chronic Pain.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Endverse!Dean's life is going pretty well with Endverse!Cas until Dean's past self shows up.A look at the episode "The End" from Season 5 from Endverse!Dean's point of view.

Notes: I’m counting the Endverse as the apocalypse here, because technically it is, right? Anyway, it was a great episode, this is a great fic, and believe me when I say the ending gave me chills.

4545 by anyrei and mugglerock on AO3. (120,335 words).

Tags: Dystopia, Post-Apocalypse AU, Eventual Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Innocent Sam, Innocent Dean, Innocent Castiel, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, First Kiss, Minor Character Death, Past Tortutre, PTSD, Sam Winchester is in Love.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Albert Einstein predicted that, while he didn’t know with what weapons World War III would be fought, World War IV would be fought with sticks and stones. He wasn’t far off.Humanity is surviving in a world without daylight, in a society where emotions are a luxury no one is allowed to have. But how important is surviving when you have nothing to live for? Two hunters find the answer to that question when they stumble over a miracle in the shape of a strange, blue-eyed man in a beige coat bearing… chocolate? Whatever that is.

Notes: This fic has such an interesting universe which is so well crafted and explored that it probably would have been one of my favourite fics, if it wasn’t for some of the most awkward explanations of sex and actual sex I have ever read in my life. Not sure if it is just because I’m ace, but I might need some mind bleach for some of that.

Road to Redemption by adestielable on AO3. (34,450 words).

Tags: Semi-graphic descriptions of violence, Semi-explicit sex, mutants, Utopia inside a Dystopia, Happy Ending, Character Death.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester was taken by Knights, bounty hunters, when he was fifteen, and is the only person to escape Heaven. When a new rebellion rises and tries to recruit him, he wants to do anything in his power to decline. He made a promise to his father to protect his family, and letting them join a rebellion isn't protecting them.The leader of the rebellion makes it hard to keep his carefully and painfully crafted walls up, though. And Dean soon finds himself falling.

Notes: The author should definitely have more confidence in their work - it was quite good! They created a really interesting world, and even though I’ve read way more Destiel fics set in the apocalypse than I probably should, it still managed to surprise me, and I really enjoyed it. The only reason I gave it 3 stars was because I wish it was slightly longer, as the ending felt a bit rushed.

The Elysium High by EllenOfOz on AO3. (44,768 words).

Tags: Post-Apocalypse AU, Los Angeles, Dystopia AU, Angels are Dicks, Addict Sam Winchester, Drug Use, Recreational Drug Use, Witch Sam Winchester, Detective AU, Confused Castiel, Drugged Sex, Slow Burn, Cyborg Castiel, Nanotechnology.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: In the not-too-distant future, climate change has wreaked havoc on the city of Los Angeles. When sea levels rose, and the Los Angeles Basin began to flood regularly like many coastal areas around the world, the population of the city moved up, off the ground and into the scrapers.Many years later, the city is divided into three rough zones: the Topzone, where the very wealthy live in the sunlight; the Midzone, where those of the less-well-off population live amid the flying traffic, the smog and their coffee addictions; and the Groundzone, what's left at close to ground level—dim, grimy and occasionally very wet.Sam and Dean Winchester are drug investigators in the LAPD. During a bust, Dean is saved by Castiel, one of the mysterious Angels, the elite fighting unit of the LA City Council. When Castiel insists on taking Dean to Paradise because he says they have work for him, Dean has little choice but to go along.But when a new drug, “Elysium”, hits the scene, people all over the city start dying. The brothers and Castiel must work out where the drug is coming from and stop its spread before it's too late.

Notes: This fic reminds me of another I read which was basically the exact same but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with it; personally I don’t ship Sam and Ruby (Jared and Gen are cute though) but I did enjoy the season 4 vibes.

Anyway, enjoy these fics (or don’t I guess) and if you have any fic recs of your own, please tell me!

[enchantedpendant]

internal medicine

nearly 2 weeks ago now i finished my IM rotation. sure, it was only the second rotation i fully got through (bcs covid and all that)... but tbh, it already seems like the best. i have a few reasons for that.

the first thing would be how i, at this point, am actually most interested in IM as a specialty, as in i actually do wanna become an internist. i even have a subspecialty in mind — endocrinology! and for this i think i’d have to give a shoutout, with utmost respect, to one professor, an endocrinologist who gave several classes back in preclinical. he was just... very smart, which of course not that im saying others aren’t as smart, but his teaching method is just very effective. his classes were among the few which i’d actively take notes for, thats how invested i get. he was probably the first one that got me thinking “huh... IM seems interesting” when for years before that i thought i wanted to be an OBGYN.

aside from that wonderful teacher, allow me to elaborate more on what i like from IM. all the complex cases with long lists of comorbidities that some would complain about? listen, i love them. not in the sense of “oh theyre easy”, obviously theyre complicated and difficult, but like thats the fun! everything connects and the discussions could become endless. it might sound pessimistic when i say that somehow it would feel like no matter how much i study there would always be something i dont know, something others would know better about... but i dont mind that — the things to learn about are endless. IM is vast, dare i say it’s a large portion of medicine. the patients we come across are extremely varying. i love how these complex cases could feel like giant puzzles. i love how you get to work with other specialties or maybe even subspecialties among the internists for each cases — i love how its like a team game. and the workload feels like it hits a perfect balance — as in, i get to ‘directly’ save lives (hopefully... i mean, dealing with possibly mortal cases could be scary but also very rewarding), but on the other hand the chances of being forcibly woken up at 3AM for an emergency are far less (than, lets say, the surgical specialties... im sorry OBGYN).

last but absolutely not the least, i would like to say thank you to my preceptor throughout this 9 weeks rotation. the coolest dude ive ever known. my senior in junior high and senior high (10 years my senior, to be exact), the dude who went through the same trajectory through school as i did (started school at 5, skipped 2 years, got into med school at age 15)... ive heard a LOT about him (“OH you started med school at age 15? youre just like Alex then!!” i get that from nearly everyone yes his name is also Alex) but this was the very first time i actually got to interact with him. dude’s so smart, he became an internist at age 27 bruh holy shit dude what the hell and he could really teach. dude treated us coffee on our first and last meeting, greeted us on Whatsapp with “gang”... believe me when i say that we were truly shocked bcs... nah mates attendings just dont do that😭 i could go on and on about him, ive bored my mom by talking endlessly about him lmao all on how cool he is, but i’ll spare yall on that. he told us a story on how he decided to become an internist (after initially wanting to become an OBGYN!) and his story made me go... hey.... yeah i could relate to that. i sent him a message earlier today, a nice lil thank you and that im really happy to have him as my preceptor and i hope i could be just like him within the next 10 years. he responded along the lines of “awww! i hope our discussions were helpful, i wish we couldve had more but too bad we dont have enough time😞 see you on top, doc! ideally you dont need 10 years, you have lots of potential👍” which deadass i sent my mom the screenshot of it and i said “look at him and these white lies hdjskdjsksks omg how do i respond” i havent even opened the messages bcs idk what to say🥺😭 tl;dr knowing him has been very inspiring and i feel like ive learned a lot, more than just in an academic sense. i dont get all inspired and motivated often... but he did that.

okay yeah this post is long enough, ive said plenty i think! lol but i think IM deserves this.

imma rate Internal Medicine 9/10... the only 1 its losing is bcs i wish i had spent less time napping etc etc and spent even more time studying😭 like i still couldve done more i think😕 and like holy shit this is wild yall you dont often get to see me retrospectively wishing i studied more and of course with covid and all, we had no night shifts, we were discouraged from doing certain invasive interventions to the patients, so we still werent getting the Full Experience™ you see... but oh well

thank you IM (and doctor Alex!) — i hope i’ll see yall again☺️

[autumn-foxfire]

Ah i think u hit nail in the head why im not super comfy with most of these post war dabihawks potreyals

Even those that have hawks forgive dabi instead of hawks being the one to apologize usually leave hawks wingless. Like scar is one thing but his wings really..hit different especially cuz a lot of fans are still rabid on 'hawks should lose his wings as punishment'. It feels like theses aus are punishing hawks while also having him forgive dabi so they really make it feel like dabi is getting off scot free while hawks is left without two limbs and two major sensory organs but its ok he forgives dabi.

Like i like dabihawks its prime angst material and i dont mind complete aus that let them just be happy cuz thats what aus are for. But if you are going to write or draw something canon divergent you need to do a lot more work cuz u need to base your work on canon. Like that is the exact reason why i like writing aus better than canon divergence even if i like reading both. With canon divergence you really need to know your stuff and it can be stressful to try n keep everything in order while also executing your own story. Thats why canon divergence that just skips to fluff is so jarring, theres no narrative mid section they just tell u 'suspend your disbelief' but thats v hard when where canon left off and where the work is picking up from are so tonaly different you really need a bridge between the two or it just doesnt work. Enemies to lovers is a fun trope but it does expect work from you if you wanna follow canon, to tell us how they got from enemies to begrudging respect to allies to frienda to lovers. But most ppl just want the short version and in cases like dabihawks it just really doesnt work.

Like im always reminded of shizaya and how every work ive ever read of them that was anyway canon compliant (n most aus) still had that tension between them, made it clear they have a lot to work on, worked on that, acknowledge they can still be toxic to each other and that not everything was sunshine and rainbows. They fought they argued it was nasty and it was messy and thats what made me think ye this is how their reletionship would be in canon.

Dabihawks just seems to jump from dabi burning hawks alive to they are all good n happy guys uwu. And its so jarring cuz no they wouldnt be, this reletionship would take A Lot of work to salvage, a lot of trust from hawks and a lot of willingness from dabi to change and do better. It just seems that most works i see simply skip the meat of the reletionship to get to dessert and its just not as fufiling as a full meal

Exactly.

Hawks is punished for his “crimes” meanwhile Dabi, who has committed far more atrocieties then Hawks gets away with his (actual) crimes scot free and even get a boyfriend and a family out of it.

It’s just too unrealistic for me to believe, even with me trying to suspend my disbelief considering it’s a crack enemies to lovers pairing.

As you said, AUs are something I can understand people going wild in because they are the purpose of them however if you’re going to write a work that is based on canon, even if it has canon divergence it it, you at least have to try and follow the guidelines already laid bare for you by canon. As you said, you can’t just eat a starter then jump straight into the dessert, you need to have the main course in between and canon compliant enemies to lovers ships are the same. You need to have that main, the part that explores all the ugly parts of their relationship and how they heal from it before you can jump into the fluff.

Also, if you’re going to hold Hawks to a standard in your work, hold Dabi to the same standard. Hawks gets punished so severely for his actions? Then Dabi, who has done so much worse should be punished even more. It’s not fair that Hawks is just used to make Dabi look better and be their to “forgive” him for his horrible actions.

Shizaya fics have really spoiled me on this because as you said, most stories do explore the ugliness, the “enemy” part in the pairing and how they learn to deal with that and change before diving into the fluff. Also, most stories focus on both of their trauma too, neither forgiving or completely condemning them either. Meanwhile, many Dabihawks stories leave me feeling disappointed because it’s usually stories that fluff Dabi up or just pure fluff with no clue of how they got to that point.

Of course, if that floats your boat then all the power to you, but it’s just no my cup of tea when it comes to enemies to lovers.

[dxaxt]

*Cue dramatics*

Ok, here it goes...

4 years ago I was in a mentally (slightly physical relationship). He was a well-liked man despite others knowing of his abusive patterns towards other women. I am willing to admit that this is all my fault.

Initially I added him on Facebook because I thought he was really cute then we transitioned to instagram in which led to him writing me first. We were both in rotting relationships so we weren’t going to make anything official. After a couple of weeks texting & video chatting we met up.

The first red flag was when I would go to his house & two of his friends would randomly come. He told me they were randomly coming & I told him I’ll just leave. He joked & said, “Its not like we’re gonna rape you... Just meet them.” I told him that I wasn’t thinking that but now the thought of it was circulating in my head. Ive been sexually assaulted a few times in my life & the thought of it happening again was terrifying. I stayed an extra 5 minutes anyway (like a true dumbass). The second red flag would be him texting another girl while he was holding me.

The third red flag reared its ugly head the second time we met up. He was close to being drunk, sipping away at the little Hennessy bottle he had. He kept asking me to drink & I kept refusing. We smoked together & then started kissing. He started moving his hands into my shirt & I tried to stop him but he convinced me that it’ll be fine so I gave in. It didn’t last long (thankfully) & he still kept trying to convince me that it was fine. I left shortly afterwards. He would begin to talk to me less & less & after a week of him ignoring me going by I decided to leave him alone. Suddenly he has a change of heart & decides to chase after me. We’d have sex again & he would tell me that he was in love with me. No one has ever been in love with me before & to hear those words made me cry so I forced myself to believe him. We were fine for a few days then he’d go back to completely ignoring me.

I want to say a month passed by & we still weren’t talking. I found myself texting him sometimes & only sometimes id get a reply. He’d say things like, “I love you.” “Im busy at work” “Thinking of you” & I was eating it up like cake; this was beyond a red flag.

The fifth red flag would be when I was hanging out with one of my friends & we saw him with another woman, who happened to be about 10 years our senior (he & I are the same age). I would later learn that he’s attacked her in front of 𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 woman before. He acted as if he didn’t know me & we were in each other’s faces as if we were going to fight. He threatened to kill me. I lacked the love in myself to leave him alone then & decided to torment myself for the next 2 1/2 years.

The man had a plethora of other women. A bunch of his exes couldn’t seem to let go of him. He would still see some of them from time to time & I would see him less & less. He would complain about how often he saw me even though we saw each other once or twice every other week. One time he came straight to me right after having sex with another woman. I smelled her residue on him. I would at this point start to see other people in between that time. He would act jealous so naturally I stopped seeing other people. My friends begged me to stop talking to him but I couldn’t at the time. All of my friends had someone or were barely speaking to me which led to a few fallouts but he was always there.

There was a time again where he ignored me for about two months. At this point I had lost my mind; I was giving out his address & phone numbers to random people on dating apps which led to him moving a few times. He randomly decided to show up to my house which led to a slight altercation. He shoved me into the wall twice because I was on the way to help him pack up his clothes so he can get dressed & leave. He was drunk (of course) so I decided to give him a big ass bottle of Vodka to encourage him to leave.

We’d get into another altercation outside. He was playing mind games so I decided to approach him about it in person, waiting in an area I knew he’d be in. He threatened to stab me & took out his switch blade, putting it on his side, the side that was closer to my leg. I took out my taser & put it close to his neck area. Slowly we both drew down our weapons & the rest of the evening he’d cat call to this woman who was flirting with him back. He’d ask me if I want to have sex by the train & I told him no. He proceeded to return text messages back to some person that was texting him paragraphs. I caught a few glimpses of the words; “Please stop doing this to me.” “I love you.” Those words were familiar. I decided to just walk away from him & he followed after me.

At that point I was beginning to ignore him. I was seeing someone else who was also a terrible human being (long story short he recorded us having sex with my consent but without my consent he was posting it on his private snapchat and sending it to his ex along with a few other women he was involved with + finding out he had abused this other woman) & that lasted for about a month. He would start to text me from random numbers, begging to see me & how much he missed me. I decided to see him & things seemed a bit ok between us.

We started fighting again & then I’d learn of him dating a 15/16 year old girl (he & I were 23 at the time) a week after seeing him. I was completely mortified. The girl would start to flirt with me & confide in me about him had hitting her before & how much they were in love. Eventually things would turn sour cause she told me how she slept with his friend & then I told him & it turned into this big whole argument over the phone with all three of them degrading me, calling me racial slurs, the whole nine. I left him alone completely after this in which led to him stalking me.

He would pass by a friend i had at the time’s job a few times, starring at her through the window. Private calls popping in here & there followed by threats of all kinds. At one point his underage girlfriend would text me pretending to be him through these burner numbers. A few months after their relationship ended I would see him about three more times. After the last time I would block his number indefinitely & we wouldn’t speak ever again.

I don’t deserve to have trauma because I know after awhile I was doing it to myself. I let a man like him believe I was “living for his dick” (his exact words). I let this man degrade me along with his friends. I let this man hold my sanity. I gave him more of myself than I even had at the time. Ive lost all the friends I’ve had during that time as well & some of those fallouts were because they were disappointed in me for prolonging the situation & I sincerely don’t blame them. I just hope one day I can forgive myself for letting myself down like that

[angrylizardjacket]

teenage fantasy. {Joe Mazzello} /SMUT\

Anon asked: Can you do a joe smut fic?? Where he's rough but soft at the same time???

A/N: 2483 words. I love this Y/N because she definitely responds to the questions ‘your boyfriend’s an actor? what’s he been in’ with ‘me.’ ANYWAYS smut. it might be a bit sappy, i genuinely don’t know if it’s good but i’m not going to apologise for it, it is what it is. have fun. would love some feedback.

“Do you remember when we were kids, we made that promise that we’d be best friends no matter what?” You said, voice gentle as you rested your head on Joe’s chest, the two of you half paying attention to something on the television.

“It was when I brought you along to Jurassic Park,” Joe agrees, an arm around you, rubbing small circles into your back, “you’d wandered off to find the T-Rex, and you found her, but she started malfunctioning and you started screaming.” And the moment you try and bury your embarrassed expression against his chest, he laughs, low and warm, and gives you a squeeze. “Yeah, I remember, why?”

“That still holds up, right?” Your voice is muffled where you’re still pressed against his chest, and he’s quick to answer.

“Yeah, it’s a promise, babe.” When he speaks, you look up at him and see him grinning; he’s still looking at the TV, but you can tell he’s not paying attention to it.

“Well when I was sixteen I also promised I’d never date an actor-” You half smile, and he finally looks down at you, raising his free hand to his chest.

“That really broke my heart, you know.” He interjected, and you gave him a light shove.

“Exactly, I broke that promise.” And his expression softens from amused to gently concerned.

“Why are you bringing this up now? What’s got you worried?” He asked, and you can’t articulate your thoughts. “You’re my best friend, my girlfriend, and I’ve known you since grade school; babe,” he laughs a little, wearing a fond smile, “at this point I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me.”

“But when we made that promise, we were kids, we didn’t know what it meant, we didn’t have to be anything.” Voice soft, you rest your head on his chest again, eyes closed as the fear that had been overwhelming you for months finally came to a head. “But we’re, we’re grownups and you’re someone, Joe. You’re in Bohemian Rhapsody, and I’m-”

“Stop it.” Joe’s voice is firm, and your voice dies in your throat. “Whether or not I’m in a movie or whatever, that doesn’t change anything about us.” His voice is unwavering, and his sincerity calms something in your chest; he truly believes in what he’s saying. 

“You mean that?” You murmur, and he taps your hip gently. Moving automatically, you sit up looking at him with only the barest hint of uncertainty as he beckons you towards his lap, letting you straddle him.

“Of course I mean that.” It’s so soft when he says it, his hands cupping your jaw as he pulled you in for a kiss. He holds you like you’re made of porcelain, and when you lean back, his fingers ghost, feather-light down your arms to settle at your hips. The way he looks at you, reverential, like you hang stars in the sky, his eyes wide and bright, the barest hint of a smile on his lips, it’s as if he’s trying to commit this image to memory. It’s like he’s never seen anything more beautiful that you, in his lap, wearing a shirt that was far too big for you, and a pair of lacy knickers, and you duck your gaze, bringing your hand up to scratch the back of your neck. “There’s no-one I’d rather be with, I promise.” 

“Joe-” you murmur his name soft as he takes your chin and guides you back to face him, pulling you in where you’re smiling bashfully.

“Baby, I promise.” He says, his lips inches from yours, and you grin as you close the gap between you two, kissing him fear disappointing in a way you hadn’t realised it would the moment he has a hand on your ass, squeezing firmly, almost like a reassurance.

“Did high school you ever imagine we’d end up here?” You half laughed as Joe peppers kisses across your collar, which then turned into a faint gasp as he ran his fingernails up your side beneath your shirt with the hand that wasn’t on your ass.

“I think high school me had this exact fantasy.” He admitted, and as you laughed, his hands quickly come up to pull off your shirt over your head and he nodded, shooting for serious as he made a noise of agreement. “Actually, this is much more accurate.” And you’re still giggling even as he took one of your nipples in his mouth, teeth grazing against the sensitive flesh. He kisses his way up your chest, deliberate, lips warm against your skin, and then there’s that smile again, the one you’ve known for years, the one you’ve loved for years, and suddenly you feel secure.

You’ve seen him on screen a million times, falling in love and kissing what felt like a million different people who weren’t you, but in moments like this, where he’s got his hands on your back, guiding you to lay down on the soft bed.

“What about you? Did high school you ever consider this?” And he punctuated it by pulling his shirt off over his head, and you reached up, regarding him with an affectionate smile, tugging him into a messy and passionate kiss as an answer. He had one hand on your cheek, the other moving lower, dipping beneath the waistband of your panties. He swallows your gasp as he slides one finger into you easily.

“I-” when he stars to kiss down the column of your throat, you try and answer, but he chooses that moment to start moving gently within you, curling and uncurling his fingers at an agonisingly slow pace.

“Is that right?” He sounds so innocent but you can feel his smirk against your shoulder.

“That summer, we were- we were sixteen-” you stutter your way through your sentence as his thumb begins to gently rub at your clit. He presses a kiss to your sternum, before looking up at you expectantly; you want to laugh at his innocent act, but the moment you make eye contact, he presses deliberately against both your clit and your g-spot, and your head drops back to the mattress, letting out a low, heavy chuckle, more akin to a moan. Almost all words leave you as your reach down to hold his hand in place, hips rolling in time with the way his fingers moved inside of you. “There, right there.” You whimpered, letting go when he kept the rhythm, letting your hands fist in the sheets of the bed.

“Fuck that’s hot.” You hear him murmur under his breath, and when you look at him, he slows down, and you prop yourself up on your elbows to give him an amused look, heart still beating erratically as he continues to finger you at a steady rhythm. He looks a little surprised that the words had even left his mouth. “What? You are.” He smirked, and you couldn’t help but be endeared by his earnest honesty.

“Take off your pants, you dork.” You grinned, biting your lip and pressing your thighs together as he removed his hand from your panties, leaving you feeling a little empty.

“So you were saying; when we were sixteen you wanted to fuck me?” He asked, tone light as he pulled off his sweat pants, and you chuckled, shifting to sit against the headboard, lazy grin on your face as your own fingers dipped into your panties.

“Pretty much.” You admit easily, and he snorts out a laugh. “I remember, it was like Mid-July, I came over for dinner and you were washing your mom’s car, just wearing board shorts,” and you trailed off, making a low hum of approval at the memory, gasping sharply as you pinched at your clit. Finally, Joe looks at you, now in his boxers, and he goes completely still, watching your hand work.

“Babe, I was so pasty.” He moves automatically, hands on your hips pulling the fabric down your legs, leaving you exposed as you opened your legs for him.

“You’re still pasty.” You smirk as you watch him kiss his way up your inner thigh, grip tight on your thigh like he knows you like. He takes your clit in his mouth, sucking hard, making you arch into him, cocky amusement evaporating with a whimper. It only takes a moment, his tongue flicking across the bud, before he’s moving further up, pressing kisses to your stomach, biting gently at the swell of your breasts with an almost awed laugh when you moan at the sensation. 

“Taking your time there?” You ask, gently lifting his chin when he presses his lips to your chest, and he grins, a little devilish as if happy to be caught in the act.

“Sorry, I was just remembering...” and he’s wearing this shit-eating grin as he sits back, reaching into the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom and opening it easily, “about five minutes ago my girlfriend was worried I’d leave her for my fancy, Post-Bohemian Rhapsody lifestyle.” He slides off his own underwear, and you suppress a fond smile. “I’m just trying to prove that that’s not going to happen.” He pulls you by the hips towards him once the condom is secure, and he pauses for a moment, the tip of his cock at your entrance.

“Well don’t keep me waiting.” Voice low and seductive, you moan, long and breathy as he sinks slowly into you.

“Never, baby.” He murmurs into your ear before capturing your lips in a kiss. He starts so slow, so deliberate, and your move your hips to match his pace, breath catching when your hips meet his and you can feel him hit deep inside of you. It’s like a switch has been flipped, the teasing banter leaving your mind as all you can think about is his cock inside of you, his hand on your thigh pulling your leg up, closer to him.

Your nails dig into his back, you can feel him press a groan into your neck. You reach down between your bodies, fingers finding your clit, and your head falls back as you play with your clit as Joe fucked you.

“God, baby you feel so good.” He presses a kiss to your throat, his grip on your thigh tightening.

“So good.: You agree, as if the words were being pulled from you. He slows down for a moment, moving back to look you in the eyes. Seeing you looking up at him through your lashes, pupils blown wide, and lips swollen from where you’d been biting them to keep yourself quiet, he can’t help but snap his hips to meet yours, if only to hear your gasp, watch your eyes flutter closed for a moment.

“I’m all yours, baby, I promise.” And you reach up with your free hand to pull him in to a kiss, moaning and sloppy against his lips, rolling your hip lazily, enjoying the new pace.

“All mine.” And there’s a self-assuredness in your voice, with him deep inside of you, his hands on your thigh, that hits him right in the chest. If you’d asked him right now, he’d walk through hell for you without hesitation. “I love you.” And he’s still a little dazed. 

“I love you too.” He responds, and he feels your hands on his hips, sees the way you’re biting your lips, and his pulse gets even more erratic, if possible. Moving with him, the two of you role until he’s laying on the mattress, and you’re straddling him. It only takes you a moment to reposition him before you’re sliding down onto his cock, taking a moment to just enjoy the feeling of fullness, before you start grinding against him.

“Fuck.” He breathes, hands steady on your hips, loosing himself in the sensations. And then you’re leaning over him, lips against his, kissing him hard, as you rode him, moving down and sucking a hickey into his chest, as one of his hands comes up to pinch at your nipples. “Fuck, I love you, baby.” He moans, and you let out a breathy laugh.

“I love you too, God, I love you so fucking much.” And your eyes flutter closed as he begins rubbing at your clit. You’re both so close as you grind against him, his hips rolling against yours, cock hitting inside of you at just the right angle as you leaned back a little, and the words falling from your lips are incomprehensible, but all you can hear is his moans, and praises as he tells you how good it feels to be inside of you.

You come with a high moan, leaning forward and pressing your forehead to his, hips still rolling as he comes a few moments later, pressing desperate kisses to your lips, holding your hips steady, flush against him as he buries himself deep inside of you. The world stands still for just a moment, your pussy still twitching with the aftershocks of your orgasm, and you let out a shaky laugh.

“So is that how the fantasy usually turned out?” You asked, catching your breath for a moment before you climb off of him, flopping onto the bed beside him. Joe snorts out a laugh, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to head to the bathroom and dispose of the condom.

“I never really got that far.” He admitted, and you let yourself relax and chuckle into the easy silence of the room.

“I think I could do another thing high school you would have fantasized about.” You call out, and when he returns, there’s an amused look on his face, his eyebrow raised with interest. You beckon him over and he sits on the bed against the headboard at your insistence. You take his now soft cock in your hand, gently pumping it a few times.

“You’re gonna have to give me a few minutes before round two.” He insisted, and you smiled softly at him, hand still gentle on his dick.

“I know, I just wanna make you feel good.” And it’s so sweet and honest that Joe feels like his heart’s going to melt as he takes your face in his hands and plants a kiss on your lips.

“You do, baby.” He murmurs, and the two of you are quiet for a moment, resting your foreheads together, his hands cupping your cheeks, your hand still working his dick where it was already half hard.

“I just wanna,” you try to explain, though he can hear the wicked smile in your words without even opening his eyes, “make you feel as good as I do when you tell me you love me while you’re so fucking deep in me.” And Joe lets out a low groan, his cock twitching in your hand.

“You’re far too hot for your own good.”

[davidmann95]

Best comics of 2018?

A handful of disqualifications up front: since they’re just beginning, I’m not counting Electric Warriors, Martian Manhunter, The Green Lantern (though Evil Star explaining his name in #2 might be my favorite moment in comics this year), Ironheart, DIE, Shazam!, Killmonger, The Batman Who Laughs, or Miles Morales: Spider-Man, all of which almost certainly would have ended up somewhere in here with some more time. Additionally, I switched to a new online pull list system in March, so I don’t have a list of what I got before then - if I’m forgetting about something great that came out early this year, there’s a good chance that would be why.

Honorary Mentions: While there were plenty of comics I was happy to keep up with, a number stood out as exemplary examples of straight-take relatively traditional capeshit: Scott Snyder, James Tynion IV and companies’ Justice League, Steve Orlando’s Justice League of America (which would probably go among the best of the best if the art was a bit more consistent or the lineup more to my personal tastes), Brian Bendis and Nick Derington’s Batman work in the Walmart 100-Page Giants, Donny Cates’ Thanos and Doctor Strange work (the latter might not have quite made it, but that last issue with Irving and Zdarsky was gangbusters), Steve Orlando’s brief Wonder Woman run with Laura Braga, ACO, and Raul Allen, Tim Seeley’s Green Lanterns, Nnedi Okorafor and Leonardo Romero’s Shuri, Robert Vendetti and Bryan Hitch’s Hawkman, Saladin Ahmed, Javier Rodriguez, Rod Reis, Dario Brizuela, and Joe Quinones’s Exiles, Captain America by both the Mark Waid/Chris Samnee team and the current Ta-Nehisi Coates/Lenil Francis Yu lineup, Dan Slott and Valerio Schiti’s Tony Stark: Iron Man when it’s committed solely to being a superhero comic and not Dan Slott trying to be Contemporary, Brian Bendis, Patrick Gleason, Yanick Paquette, and Ryan Sook’s Action Comics, and Kelly Thompson and Stefano Caselli’s West Coast Avengers. 

On the slightly different side of things, Steve Orlando and Giovanni Timpano showed how you do an intercompany crossover right with The Shadow/Batman, Max Bemis’s Moon Knight while not living up to all it could have been - and likely to age poorly - had moments of truly bizarre grace, Saga was Saga even if I’ve lost the plot, Ahmed and Christian Ward’s Black Bolt concluded as well as we all might have hoped, Warren Ellis and Jon Davis-Hunt’s The Wild Storm continued to build up steam in its own fascinating style, Doomsday Clock remains utterly captivating in spite of itself, and Tom Peyer and Jamal Igle’s The Wrong Earth is making the most of a deceptively tough premise. On the one-off end, Chip Zdarsky and Declan Shalvey’s Marvel Two-In-One Annual is an essentially perfect off-kilter Doom/Richards story, Action Comics #1000 had no chance of living up to all it needed to be but was largely a great set of Superman stories regardless, and while the remainder of the miniseries has thus far been fine, Tim Seeley and Carlos Villa’s first issue of Shatterstar was a strange, special delight.

My Favorite Comics of 2018

Rock Candy Mountain: Technically Jackson - the rail-rider who can beat Any One Man in a fistfight - reached the end of his journey for hobo heaven this year, and flat-out, every Kyle Starks comic is a perfect one. This is a book where the first issue has a dude beating ass with a beautiful savagery that leaves an awestruck onlooker declaring “He’s got punch diarrhea and their faces are the toilet bowl”, and by the end it built up to one of the most moving climaxes of the year. It’s a comic about fallen men finding redemption in friendship and in dreams, and also there’s a cage fighter who calls himself Hundred Cats because it would be really hard to fight a hundred cats.

Dark Knights: Metal: This is the final, perfected form of traditional Event Comic Bullshit. Everything good about Snyder, Capullo, Glapion, and Plascencia’s Batman post-Court Of Owls is retooled and reenergized to fit the scale of a Crisis event, everything that I would have considered to be a weakness regarding their partnership either burned away or placed in a context where it becomes a strength. This is the Morrison approach to the DCU rightfully ascendant and presented in a form even more fit for mass consumption, and manages to live up to being the first classic-style, large-scale DC event comic in almost a decade - Marvel may blow its own load every six months until it’s simply got nothing to offer anymore, but DC waited until they really and truly had something, and that something was bloodsoaked magic.

Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man (by Chip Zdarsky and assorted artists): I actually wavered a bit on whether this belonged in the best of the best as a whole; most of the issues this year were definitely very good (regarding Zdarsky’s run specifically, I haven’t checked out the Spider-Geddon tie-in stuff), but more on the honorary mention end of the scale. Ultimately however, the Amazing Fantasy arc and #310 are Spider-Man comics I’m going to be coming back to for years to come - the latter is going to end up in every ‘Best Spider-Man Stories Ever’ softcover from now until the end of time - and they tipped the scales.

Batman: Very much in the same boat as Spidey above; a lot of this year didn’t do it for me in the same way as this run has in the past, but The Best Man is the best thing anyone’s done with Joker since Morrison, the ‘wedding issue’ itself worked really well for me, Cold Days made a premise that’s often stymied creators work as well as people have always wanted it to, and the Dick team-up issue was a perfect little summation of a relationship, nevermind how much this year succeeded in getting me hyped up for things to come.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: This is one of those comics where it’s so consistently good in such a specific, quiet way that people stop talking about it, but for real, this has never not in the top five or six things Marvel is publishing at any given time for as long as it’s been around. Erica Henderson leaving right before hitting the Kraven story that had been building literally since its first issue 3 years earlier could have been disastrous, but North and new artist Derek Charm manage to hit their own rhythm and continue delivering one of the funniest, cleverest, most sincere superbooks on the stands every month.

Mister Miracle: Yeah, it really was that good.

The Immortal Hulk: So is this, and if I have to name a single best comic of the year, this has probably gotta be it. Al Ewing’s been Marvel’s best creator for a long, long time, and putting him and Joe Bennett (who holy moley, I don’t think anyone would have guessed had this in him) on a tentpole character Ewing’s got genuine reverence for worked out even better than a fanboy like me might have expected. It’s sublime horror, it’s perfect Marvel comics continuity bullshit, and if the superhero is at heart a morality fable, this is very much a soul-searing apex of the genre as it speaks of how we can all go wrong.

Eternity Girl: …or maybe this is the best? It’s probably gotta be this, Hulk, or Miracle. Mister Miracle’s where the comparison really becomes clear, as they’re both books way out on the fringes of the DCU dealing with a character grappling with depression amidst the mundanity of their cyclical existence. However, as perfectly constructed and rawly human as Mister Miracle is, this hits a lot more of my own buttons and expresses its own brand of more surreal emotional authenticity, and rather than the expected and beautiful next step of a pair of already-acclaimed creators with an established partnership, this was a shock coming out party for Visaggio and Liew, who do things stylistically just as odd to see in a DC Comic as anything King and Gerads came up with. It seemed to sail under the radar for readers but also seems to be racking up awards, and I hope this’ll attain the reputation it deserves in years to come.

Ice Cream Man: Likely the respectable fourth place to the three above, while I can’t quite sing its praises in quite the same way when it’s playing so hard-to-get that I can’t quite put a pin in what it’s ultimately about, oh my GOD this is as good as gut-punch horror gets. Not simply grody shock-value stuff, but pit-of-your-stomach-everything-in-the-world-hates-you-and-you-were-wrong-to-ever-believe-in-love shit that’ll rattle your bones and fuck you up good. Not usually a horror guy myself, but this is an essentially perfect comic.

The Man Of Steel: Screw all y’all, this kicked ass and after how hard the Rebirth books blew it - Jon and the new status quo were both excellent, Tomasi had good bits here and there alongside some quality fill-in teams, but those books were still aaaaaaaaaaassssss - this is exactly the fresh start Superman’s needed for years. Granted the Fabok interstitials had some wonky pacing, but this was on-point and insightful for Superman as a character, exciting as hell, and has thus far led to nothing but more good comics as far as I’m concerned.

Milk Wars: Did the various tie-ins live up to the bookends? Nah, though the Shade/Wonder Woman story was pretty good. But those bookends? Friends, those books were AAA+ sup-per-he-ro-bull-SHIT, and while I was initially let down because it seemed as though it would have Superman in a major role and then didn’t, this is even more of an apotheosis of the Morrison approach to the genre than Metal. ACO is ACO, Eaglesham slaughtered it, and Orlando and Way should be as joined at the hip as cowriters as Abbnett and Lanning used to be. This is a gold standard for strange, edgy, colorful, wondrous, fucked-up superhero comics, and there should be a million more like it every day.

Justice League (by Christopher Priest and assorted artists, primarily Pete Woods): On the exact opposite end of the scale, while I don’t think I can say I enjoyed this book as much as the current Snyder-helmed gonzo cosmic adventures, I absolutely feel this was the better of the two. More importantly, this run is the successful version of what just about every other Justice League comic of the past 15 years has been trying and failing to be as the post-Authority, post-Ultimates, post-Civil War take on the concept. It’s as smart and atmospheric and bold as a book like Justice League ever CAN be, building its exploration of the conceptual stress points of the team around one and two-part adventures and clever character dynamics, illustrating an interesting new take on how to handle the main team book with the power players: taking their ability to handle physical threats as a relative given, a structural conceit acting as a delivery mechanism for the politics and people in play. It hardly breaks new ground in terms of redefining the superhero concept, but it’s as far as they’ve gone with the marquis characters without ending in disaster, and it’s an approach I’d love to see more often applied to this scale.

Superman: Walmart 100 Page Giant (by Tom King and Andy Kubert): Of all the places for King to do a regular Superman comic, huh? Still, we’d already seen what he’d done in that Batman two-parter and Action #1000, so I’m more than willing to take what we can get (even if most are going to have to wait for this to come out in trade). There have been four installments so far: the first is the sort of stage-setting that’s common to this type of long-form arc but with a distinctly different atmosphere than how this is typically done with the character, evoking a sort of Miller-tinged Golden Age flavor connecting Superman back down to Earth before throwing him into the stars. The third is a great Fuck Yeah Superman Doin’ Superman Shit throwdown that gives Kubert a chance to shine. The fourth and most recent is haunting, inspired, moving, and tight as a drum. And the second begins as the worst-case scenario of Tom King doing a Superman comic, and ends as likely my favorite Superman story of the last 5 years. If it continues in its current direction, Superman: Up In The Sky is almost certainly going to be a perennial people are going to rank among the best Superman stories of all time for decades to come, and everything I’d want out of this team tackling my favorite character.

Detective Comics (by James Tynion IV and assorted artists): I’m honestly surprised at myself for putting this here, but I just have to hand it to this run - which had to go quite a ways to win me over, between its opening gambit with Batwoman’s status quo and centering the whole thing around my least-favorite Robin (even if it won me over to him over time) - as basically being the platonic form of Dang Good Superhero Comics. Not boundary-pushing, not the sort of thing you’ll remember in 20 years, but just really fun, exciting, good-looking, slick, character-driven adventures building on themselves into the logical culmination of 21st century popular Batman stories. This is Batman 101, but in a good way, and I honestly think that on reflection it’s gonna hold together better as a Batman run than its immediate predecessor in Snyder/Capullo.

You Are Deadpool: This is the smartest, funniest, most inventive big two comic of the year and even if you’re so tired of Deadpool that your skull bones are threatening to suddenly contract and spear your brain in an attempt at saving your weary soul from the prospect of seeing any more of him, you should get this.

Superman (by Brian Bendis and Ivan Reis): I noted Action Comics among the honorable mentions, as while it’s a dang good comic that I enjoy a great deal - and Ryan Sook may well have established himself as my ideal modern Superman artist - it’s very much the best possible version of *exactly* what you’d expect from Brian Bendis doing Superman. This, on the other hand, feels like Bendis stretching himself to do something truly different in a way he hasn’t in years, and the results are stunning. I won’t pretend Rogol Zaar has amounted to much of anything as of yet, but Bendis has acclimated to the realm of Cosmic Superman Punch-Ups in a way no one could have reasonably seen coming; he’s managed to sidestep his usual issues by anchoring each issue in a crazy setpiece and a single perfect Superman character moment, and Reis is doing work here than can unquestionably stand alongside his Sinestro Corps War heyday. Whether it’s #1 having Superman fight an astro-goilla in the middle of a questioning on his responsibilities to humanity, #4 going full Shonen in the best possible way with probably my favorite fight scene of the year, or #6′s storybook mythmaking building to the best, cruelest needle in the balloon possible, or the consistent delightful fucking with Adam Strange, every issue here has something I didn’t know I badly wanted to see, and damn if that isn’t exactly what I want in my Superman stuff.

Assorted one-offs: Along with the major arcs and runs, we’ve got stuff like the Thanos Annual and DC Nuclear Winter Special, as good as anthologies of this kind get. T-shirt Superman got one last ride under Morrison in the Sideways Annual, fighting his way out from under the wreckage of a weird DiDio book to get exactly the sendoff he deserved. The Injustice 2 Annual, of all things, was a perfect piece of bittersweet character work. Invincible #144 satisfyingly closed out The Best Superhero Comic In The Universe by essentially also doing Invincible #145-500 or so, putting this often tumultuous title to bed with the dignity it had earned. And finally, Slott and Marcos Martin’s The Amazing Spider-Man #801 was a perfect minor mediation not even on the title character so much as the basic moral appeal of the genre as a whole.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[twdmusicboxmystery]

9x07: Details

Okay, let's talk about details.

***As always, spoilers abound for 9x07. Don’t read until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!!!***

Rosita/Eugene

I talked yesterday about Rosita running out in the woods alone about how we didn't see where she left Eugene behind. I'll talk about this more tomorrow because I'm going to do a predictions post, but this whole situation is still super suspicious to me.

We also saw her try to drink from empty water bottle. We've seen a lot of water bottles over the seasons that were all similar. I still have been wanting to do a post about all of them, but haven't gotten around to it. But remember that we did see a lot of all-around death. At the very least.

Jesus and Aaron find Rosita and she tells them she left Eugene in the barn. I think this is super-significant guys, but I will talk more about tomorrow in my predictions post. For now, just know that the barn reference and everything about Eugene being there is important.

Hilltop:

Hilltop is thriving under Tara and Jesus’s leadership. I don't know why Tara just doesn't take over as leader. I get that Jesus might be a figurehead for people because he was Maggie's right-hand guy, but Tara is obviously better at logistical aspects and the day-to-day running of things, so she might as well just take over that part of it.

At one point, she said they had a noise complaint from trailer seven. This is a very minor detail, but the noise came from a kazoo which is technically a musical instrument or noisemaker and seven, in terms of biblical numerology, also caught my attention.

Aaron and Jesus training out in the woods together, which I think is kind of cool. I noticed at one point, one of them said "Same boat, my friend." So, another boat reference, but also a call back to episode 6x13, which was called The Same Boat. It was one about Carol and Maggie being kidnapped by the saviors. Not sure what to make of this reference, but it's interesting. (I actually have some theories, but this is such a minor point, I’m gonna wait to see what happens next episode first.)

Tara tells Jesus that Rosita will be okay. She was just dehydrated and on IV. They said almost the exact same thing about Yumiko last episode when she got hurt, and I compared it to Beth. Just feels like more Grady parallels to me. Also in this part, Tara says of Maggie, "She's not here. You are." We could relate that to the “here” symbolism and especially Morgan's Here’s Not Here episode. I won't say too much more about that except that we’ve seen these themes before.

Music/Magna’s Group:

Michonne breaks the violin while guarding Magna's group. I do still think that the musical instrument could represent Beth being shot, and I’ll talk about possible implications of that tomorrow.

The musical discussion the group has is really interesting. It’s kind of a rehash of the discussion Beth and Edwards had at Grady, but more detailed. Edwards says art is transcendent and not about survival, and Beth suggests it’s something they can and should still do. (“I still sing.”) So this was the first suggestion of this idea that, despite needing to put survival first in this world, art and transcendence are still important for the survival of the human race.

Luke says the same thing here. “They came together as an answer to defeat. They sat around a campfire. They shared their stories with each other in the form of music, and paintings. And they created a common identity. And then they, you know, built communities. And then, as thy grew, Neanderthal retreated, and then after a while they just died out…this is the one thing that separates us from the animals. For better or for worse, it brings us together. And if we’re trying to rebuild something, you can’t ignore that.” So we have a major parallel between this and episode and Slabtown.

At one point on the road with Magna’s group, we heard frogs. So just frog symbolism and more callbacks to Them.

Daryl/Carol/Henry

 By far most of the details I saw came from Daryl’s scenes. (Naturally 😉)

Daryl’s camp is pockmarked with walker traps. Many of them are pits in the ground that the walkers step in and get caught. That reminded me a lot of the fire pit the Beth dug in Still.

Carol says, "You haven't fixed the boat since last time?" We’ve ever seen Daryl with a boat before, so I'm thinking this has something to do with the 6 year time jump that we don't entirely understand. But, I also can't help but remember the boats that were so prevalent in 5b at Alexandria. Sam played with one, there was one on the water with a red balloon when Rick stood beside the pond. I always thought that was a Beth thing, having to do with all the water and ship symbolism we seen around her, though we don't quite know what it means yet.

I mean, if nothing else, Daryl is pretty much living on a boat, now. Given all the boat/ocean/sailor/water imagery we’ve seen, that’s super-important.

We also saw a “wrecked” boat in 7x15 near Oceanside. There was definitely some Beth symbolism going on there, so if Daryl’s boat is “broken” it could be the same symbolism.

I said yesterday that pretty much everything I said in my dog post was confirmed here, right? Well, it occurred to me when Carol asked Daryl when he’d eaten last, and Daryl replied, "the dog ate yesterday," that was him associating himself with the dog. She asked when he ate, and he answered by talking about the dog. So, very similar to Buttons, Daryl pretty much named himself the dog. So, everything I said before, (black dog equals Daryl, white dog equals Beth) is definitely true.

Daryl shot a snake! Yep, an actual snake. I thought this was a combination of two things from Still. In Still, he tried to shoot a squirrel on a tree and missed, breaking one of his arrows. Later, he kills the snake slithering on the ground with his knife. In this case, he actually did kill the animal on the tree, but it was the snake. Then he cut its head off with his knife, similar to what he did in Still. So, I'm wondering if we should be reading into the differences as well as the similarities. Maybe Daryl missing squirrel in Still in some way foreshadowed his and Beth's arc. Like that he would lose her in some way, so the squirrel escaped. Something like that. But in this case, he hits it dead on, maybe because things will be better for him this time around. I don’t know. Just throwing out ideas.

I also noticed that Daryl specifically doesn’t bury walkers. He kills one of them and Carol asked if he’s just going to leave it there. He says yes, because it keeps animals away. So this is completely the opposite of what he was in 4B. Remember Beth taught him that it was important to bury people, even walkers and people they didn't know. This started out with the Rich Bitch lady, and he helped Beth cover her. We saw it extended after Lenny was killed by the Claimers. But now, he doesn't care at all. He’s just leaving walkers where they fall.

He also refuses to protect people. At least at the beginning. Carol asks him to go protect Henry and he flat out refuses. In a lot of ways, Henry is very similar to how Beth was when she and Daryl left the prison. He’s strong and can take care of himself, but he's also very young and very new to being outside the walls. So was Beth. So, this would be very similar to if, when the prison went down, Daryl simply refused to watch over Beth. I think that's only important to show that he's sort of in the opposite place he was in S4.

Daryl also skins the snake, just like Still. We haven't seen him do this since 4x12 so this is very significant. Also, kind of a fun reversal of 7x10, when Carol cooked for him. I’m sure they were calling back to that here a little bit as well.

Then we have Carol cutting his hair with a knife. Okay, a couple of important things to recognize here. I thought it was really significant that they specifically did not have her use scissors. We know they had scissors in Alexandria because Jesse used them to cut hair and killed kill a she-wolf. And I'm sure the Kingdom has them as well. Maybe Carol just decided on the spur of the moment to cut Daryl's hair, but even so, they could have her pull out a pair scissors or even had Daryl have one in his camp and it wouldn't have been unrealistic. But they specifically have her use a knife rather than scissors to cut his hair.

Why is that important? I think it's because scissors are Beth symbol. Tptb use them very specifically in the show for stuff about Beth and Grady, and they very specifically did not want to put that symbol in here because it was not applicable to the situation. If we’re totally crazy and reading into the symbolism way too much, Carol would've just used a pair of scissors. She didn't, which means the scissors are important and specifically could not be used in the scene.

@frangipanilove also made an amazing observation about this scene. Certain shippers are freaking out because Carol touched Daryl’s hair and face and their misconstruing that as romantic. But 

1) we talked in our group about how that was very much about his scar. The show is trying to draw attention to it, and Carol playing with the hair right over it gave us an excellent look. 

2) @frangipanilove pointed out that this is a PERFECT parallel to the scene in Them (5x10) where Carol gives Daryl Beth’s knife. Think about it. That was a tender moment between them too. She played his hair. And there was a knife present. That’s awesome! Not only is it a callback to a Beth scene, but I’ll talk in a minute about Henry/Beth parallels, so this works well with those as well. And then there’s my predictions post tomorrow. It works well as evidence for all three. Go @frangipanilove!

 We also found out that Daryl originally went out there to look for Rick's body. That's a super-tragic development because it means that when Daryl walked away at the end of 9x05, he was already going out to look for Rick's body. That makes my heart hurt.

Carol tells him, “You have to let that go.” And I think that’s super-interesting considering he told Rick to let Carl go just before the bridge blew, and now he hasn’t really stopped looking for Rick’s body. He never let it go, any more than he ever let Beth go. Just proves that even though he was preaching that, he doesn’t let things go himself.

It's also super significant in a TD way. We’ve said for years that Daryl looked for Beth's body and couldn't find it, and eventually Rick made the whole group move on. So, it's yet another parallel between Rick and Beth where Daryl looked for the body and never found it. And, you know, Rick's alive so…

Let's talk about Daryl scars. Henry asked about the scar on his face, and Daryl is very standoffish about it. He refuses to answer and then gets up to look for his dog, sending the message that he'd rather hang with his dog than with Henry.

Later, we see Daryl's back and find that he has several new scars, including a prominent X scar on his top right shoulder, two parallel lines further down, and then another X scar in exactly the same place as Michonne’s. Yeah, that’s weird. The top X may have already been there. Back in S3, he has something similar, and they may have just changed it so it looks more prominent now. But he definitely didn’t have the same X as Michonne or the parallel lines. As I said yesterday, these are way too clean and even to be normal battle scars.

Several people have suggested they might be brands. If that's the case, we have no idea what they are, or where they came from. Who the hell could have branded Michonne and Daryl of all people? It's not like the two of them would have sat still for it. So, we really don't know what this is pointing to, but it’s quite bizarre.

Daryl’s dog (Dog) gets caught in one of his walker traps. This had major callbacks to Alone, not only because it was dark, and the dog was barking with walkers around, but because Henry's foot got caught in the trap, too, just like when Beth’s foot got caught in the small game trap.

Henry moved to kill a walker (just like Beth did) and his foot got caught in the trap like her. We even had Daryl helping Henry pull his foot out, getting him unstuck. 

Which is exactly what he did with Beth. Then he asks if he's okay. Henry says yes, it's just a scratch, which parallels to Daryl asking Beth if she can move it in her saying yes.

We also had some missing foot symbolism in this scene because the walker Henry kills is originally caught in the trap and trying to pull itself out. When it does, it pulls it’s own foot off. That’s why Henry had to jump in and help him. Remember that two of the major times we saw the symbolism, specifically an unattached foot, was in Inmates when Beth saw the unattached foot by the train tracks and then with Rick and Michonne in 7x12, which was also a major retelling of Still.

Then of course Daryl says to Henry, "I told you to stay back," which pretty much everyone in the entire fandom picked up on. These parallels are pretty undeniable at this point.

Henry even shows Beth’s sarcasm. Beth said, “Thanks for the help,” while Henry says, “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Again, the fact that they’re strong and get right back in Daryl’s face makes him respect them more.

This is where things get really interesting with Henry and Daryl. Very much like with Beth, once Daryl goes through an experience with Henry, where they survive together, and especially when he can see that Henry strong, he instantly has more respect for him. The dynamic between Daryl and Henry here was very similar to Beth and Daryl’s in Still and Alone. At first, Daryl is very robotic and closed off to Henry, but after Henry helped save his dog, and Daryl himself, Daryl sat down and opened up to Henry without being prompted, telling to him about how the dog checked walker traps and thanking Henry for his help.

Then, also like Beth, Henry kind of calls Daryl on his crap. When Daryl says that if Carol needs him, she knows where to find him, Henry says she shouldn't have to. Daryl then asks if Henry truly wants Daryl looking over his shoulder all the time.

(Oh, I forgot to mention the whole chaperone thing. The Beth razzed Daryl about being her chaperone at the moonshine shack, and they use the same verbology here with Henry asking Carol if she thinks he needs a chaperone. So yet another parallel there.)

 Henry replies that it's not just about him, which seems to impress Daryl. Henry really doesn't want a chaperone, but he'll do it so Carol has peace of mind, and I think Daryl seems impressed by that. 

So, much like Beth, Henry and his goodness and innocence pulls Daryl out of his robotic survival state and kind of guilts him into being a human being again, which brings them back to civilization. Major, MAJOR parallels here. I’ll talk more about where we think this Daryl/Henry arc may be headed tomorrow.

Another thing to note, though it’s not specifically a TD thing, is that Carol allowed Daryl and Henry to interact on their own. She was always in the background, watching, but didn’t tell them she was there. I think that’s significant for a couple of reasons. 

Carol knows both these guys can handle themselves, but she’s still around, being Mama Carol and making sure they’re okay. But I think she knew going into this that she wouldn’t be able to convince Daryl to go to Hilltop on her own. She’s not the one who changes his mind about stuff. (Think Beth: “What changed your mind.”) But Carol was hoping that Henry could change Daryl’s mind, and he did. This might be an indication of the insight Carol has into Beth and Daryl’s relationship, or if not that, into Daryl himself. She knows the effect people like Beth and Henry have on Daryl and was banking on Henry getting through to him. That’s why she didn’t interfere, and also why she was smiling when Daryl agreed to go at the end of the episode: she was right.

So at the end, we get Daryl and Carol finally getting to hilltop and kind of reuniting with some people. Michonne isn’t actually there yet, but she probably will be by the time Daryl, Jesus, and Aaron get back with Eugene, so we'll have a reunion of sorts.

So the structure of this arc is feeling very much like 4b to me. After the prison fell, everybody was divided into little groups, right? We had the same thing here. Michonne in Alexandria, Carol at the Kingdom, Tara at hilltop, Maggie off with the Commonwealth. And, of course, Daryl out on his own.

So this confirms @thegloriouscollectorlady’s 4 Arcs for 4 Communities theory. I’m also thinking about the fact that in 4x15/4x16, all the little groups reunited at Terminus. Now we’re seeing something of a reunion in 9x08 and a further introduction of a bad group (the Whisperers) to mirror the Termites.

So, we might argue that if 9x07/9x08 mirrors 4x15/16, well, we didn’t actually see Beth until four episodes after that in 5x04. So, maybe they’ll give us something in the MSF, or maybe they’ll make us wait until 9b or the finale to see her. As always we will just have to wait and see.

Okay, I’ll stop there. I have a lot more to say but it’s more about where we think these arcs may be going. I’ll talk about that tomorrow. Anything I missed?

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!