#ive literally never worn hats ever at all

[felidaefatigue]

nuerodev skill regression is so fuckin real i used to be like perfectionist savant must excel at everything immediately

but now that im accomodating with such radical ideas such as, a hat, when its sunny, wow. earplugs that dim noise? wild. jewellery that double as fidget toys? immaculate. a chair that rocks while i draw? phenomenal.

but also now i am just kinda vibing in a brain that isnt extremely fucking depressed and anxious and in survival mode 24/7 and i dont know how to function at the same tier without that do or die instinct lol.

but hey. its nice. so. sure.

[napoleonic-sexyman-tournament]

Jumping on the pro-Castlereagh propaganda bandwagon from earlier (apologies for the long post but gotta help my boy out): 

There are far too many contemporaries talking about how good-looking he was. Even his detractors agree he was pretty but here are some of my fave quotes: 

Mrs. Arbuthnot: “He was above six feet high and had a remarkably fine commanding figure, very fine dark eyes, rather a high nose and a mouth whose smile was sweeter than it is possible to describe. It was impossible to look at him & see the benevolent and amiable expression of his countenance without a disposition to like him, and over his whole person was spread an air or dignity & nobleness such as I have never seen in any other person… He was excessively agreeable, a great favourite amongst women & used occasionally to excite Ly Londonderry’s jealousy; but he was the kindest and most affectionate of husbands”

Lady Bughersh: “You never saw such a beauty as Lord Castlereagh has become. He is as brown as a berry, with a fine bronzed colour, and wears a fur cap with gold, and is really quite charming. There never was anybody so looked up to as he is here.”

John Wilson Croker: “Londonderry goes on as usual, and to continue my similes, like Mont Blanc continues to gather all the sunshine upon his icy head…. It is a splendid summit of bright and polished frost which, like the travellers in Switzerland, we all admire.”

During a state visit to Ireland, the unpopular Castlereagh joked the crowds cheered for him solely due to his personal beauty

I kid you not but he was the hottest person at George IV’s coronation! How attractive must you be to accidentally outshine the monarch at their own goddamn coronation with many other sexymen present - if you don’t believe me: 

Mrs. Arbuthnot: “his dress was beautiful, his hat bound round with the most splendid diamonds & he looked handsomer than I ever saw him; the people echoed his name from one to the other the whole length of the platform & received him with repeated cheers. It was unanimously voted that he was the handsomest man in the procession” 

Walter Scott: “If you ask me to distinguish who bore him best, and appeared most to sustain the character we annex to the assistants in such a solemnity, I have no hesitation to name Lord Londonderry, who, in the magnificent robes of the Garter… and by his fine face and majestic person formed an adequate representative of the order of Edward III, the costume of which was worn by his Lordship deserving the baton, which was never grasped by so worthy a hand.”

Apparently multiple folks commented he looked so regal in his Garter robes that one might mistake him for the sovereign

Also as reference - this is what he looked like on the day of the coronation (can you believe this man was 52??)

Was also hella competent - he was known for his work ethic and attention to detail but he literally helped establish the idea of the European balance of power (aka the thing that prevented conflict on the scale of the Napoleonic Wars from occurring for the next 100 years) 

Just some fun anecdotes: 

According to the Austrian police reports, while in Vienna he and his wife went to every shop, asked to be shown every item in the shop… and bought absolutely nothing

He fought a duel in 1809 because George Canning tried to kick him out of Cabinet and half of their colleagues (incl. Castlereagh’s own uncle) kept Canning’s insistent demands/threats a secret from Castlereagh for ~6 months. His opponent never had shot a pistol prior to this (his second had to help load the gun as he didn’t trust the guy to do it correctly) while Castlereagh was known as a good shot. Add in the fact that 3 Wellesleys were tangentially involved - this entire event was bonkers

After an author read aloud some of her novel to him, he was so impressed that he arranged a meeting with the publisher in his own study. The author recalls how Castlereagh was standing there while she signed the new agreement with the publisher 

He had a strange hobby - Castlereagh said he has "not thought of anything of late but of sheep farming” and his wife joked that he “shall soon bleat and be covered with wool.’’ He even won an award for his wool!

Despite being in a non-dangerous occupation, he was quite badass: 

At age 17, Castlereagh saved a classmate from drowning by keeping him afloat in a cold lake for more than an hour after their boat capsized

During a stormy voyage to Dublin, he jumped on the chains that supported the mast to rescue a man who fell overboard - especially daring when out of the 5 ships sailing out of the departing port, 3 sank (all onboard died) bc of the storm

3 men tried to rob him - I say tried bc he just shot one of them in the neck with a pistol, was able to subdue the second with the help of a bystander, and the last guy simply fled

He was just a nice person? Castlereagh contributed to various charities and there’s a story that the day following his death, one of his servants was asked if they observed any change in him. The response? “One day he spoke sharply to me!”

Even one of his greatest political rivals admitted if you “put all their other men together in one scale, and poor Castlereagh in the other—single, he plainly weighed them down... Also, he was a gentleman, and the only one amongst them.” 

Ngl, surprised that you didn’t use this lovely portrait of him: 

But also this bust and coin tho: 

Bonus: Good looks seem to run in the family (go check out the portrait of his brother Charles by Thomas Lawerence)

.

[headoverjojo]

Hey can I request a scenario where all of La Squadra survived to Bruno's gang but s/o (who is like a sibling figure), and then one day they discovered that she/he is in fact still alive but held captive by another gang, this gang saved her but instead of healing her they were keeping her in a comatose state (or artificial coma). Then the squad went to save them. Feel free to ignore if it's too specific or what so ever!

Hello there, honey :3 Ooooh I loved this request so much!! I hope you’ll like it! I had so much fun writing it :3

La Squadra di Esecuzione finds out that their sibling-like teammate is alive but kept in a comatose state by a rival gang and they go to rescue them

(Under the cut for length, blood, murders, and so on!)

Risotto and his men always thought that seeing the Boss’ demise would have been sweet. And it had been, all in all. They never felt such a satisfaction, a pleasure like that. Seeing the fear and the panic in his eyes, when Gold Experience Requiem nullified without any effort King Crimson’s power, had been… sublime. And that kid, Giorno… he was a good boy. And he had showed more than once to be a born leader. With some assistance, support and time to learn, he would have become the greatest leader of the whole Italian criminal world, Risotto thought.

It would have been absolutely perfect, if all his teammates were there. Gelato, Sorbetto… G/N. Sorbetto and Gelato’s deaths were still painful wounds, but, now that the Boss, Cioccolata and Secco, the very people who had planned and acted to kill them, were dead, it was more… bearable. It still stung, like an old wound never completely healed, but it was way more bearable. Now that they have been avenged, they could rest in peace. But G/N…

They hadn’t even found their body.

Bucciarati and his kids didn’t know what happened to them, as no one of them ever faced G/N. They had been intercepted before they could even try to stop Bucciarati and kidnap Trish; just later, when the Squadra finally faced Cioccolata and Secco, they found out that the two were responsible of their death too.

None of the Squadra members held back, when they finally had the chance to give them the final blow.

And still… the body was nowhere to be found. They had searched everywhere, in every corner, in every dark alley. They had scoured every centimeter of the drainages, they had interrogated every informator they still had. And they hadn’t find even a trace of them. The new Don had helped them, of course, but not even him and Passione’s great resources could do anything. G/N just seemed… to be vanished in thin air.

Nevertheless, they never gave up. They all loved G/N, they loved them fiercely. They had been the glue that even in the darkest times had kept together the group. They had been always here for every single one of them: they were the one who always calmed down Sorbetto and Gelato when they had a fight, leading them to forgive each other; they were the one who, when Risotto was feeling down, usually around his cousin’s death anniversary, sat down with him, with two glasses of liquor, to make a toast in his cousin’s honour, and to listen to his stories about him. They were here when Prosciutto had panic attacks due to all the anxiety and responsibilities that weighed on his heart and when Pesci needed few words of encouragement. They always listened actively to Melone’s happy ramblings about the last news on a scientific magazine, and they always helped Illuso to perfectly organize his archives in the mirror world, chatting with him. G/N was the only one able to calm down Ghiaccio when he was deep in one of his furious rampages, and the only one who saw Formaggio without his usual cocky and smug facade.

And now they were gone.

The Squadra, however, wanted to honor them one last time, to give them a proper burial. They wanted them to have a place where G/N could rest in peace and where they could go to pay their respects. G/N deserved this. But, without a body, they couldn’t do it.

Their hunt had been frustrating and useless until a cold December day, more or less eight months later. That day, when they made their usual weekly round of interrogations, one of their informators shared something interesting.

“There are rumors, you know… about the Artiglios. I’ve heard they keep captive someone… I’ve asked about it, of course, and you know how persuasive I can be, yeah, do you remember when- the man stopped, when he saw Prosciutto’s jaw tightening. It wasn’t a good sign… maybe it was better to go straight to the point. An irritated Prosciutto wasn’t good, he knew it too well. -Anyway, I’ve offered this dude a couple of drinks, you know, the strong ones, and oh boy he started to sing like a nightingale. He said they had found this person and that they were barely alive. They thought they were a poor soul and, well, they decided to heal them, hoping they would have been useful to them. And well… when they finally cleaned their face from all that blood, they recognized them. It was your teammate, you know, G/N, the one who seems to be vanished. They have them, as far as I know, but honestly I don’t know if your G/N is fine, if they chose to stay with that gang or what. Maybe they died. I don’t know, the guy fell on the waitress’ tits and the barman kicked him out. I would have done the same, if you want to know that, absolutely.” Prosciutto grimaced, disgusted. Still… those infos had ignited again a sparkle of hope in his heart. Maybe they finally had a track to follow…

“And does your dude have a name?” the hitman asked, with a silky voice. The man gulped, shivering. He really didn’t want to be in that poor man’s shoes…

“Antonello Nocera, but he’s known as Svelto. Don’t ask me why, someone says it’s because he’s as fast as a water snake when he has to run from the cops, someone else because, well… he’s not really skilled in bed. Whatever. You can find him at the Torre Nera, drinking until he forgets who he is. I advise you to get there before he’s too far in his dreamy world.” the little smelly man tipped his hat to Prosciutto, before disappearing in the dark alley, careful not to be spotted by anyone. Prosciutto sighed, fishing a little hand mirror from his pocket. Illuso was there, and he knew that, through his mirrors, the whole squad had listened to the news.

“Get him to the HQ, Prosciutto. He’ll sing like a nightingale for us too.” Illuso said, with a malicious grin. Prosciutto nodded, closing the hand mirror with a little snap, and marched toward the infamous bar.

He really wanted to hear Antonello Nocera sing as loud as he could.

-

Antonello Nocera, or Svelto, was even more a coward than what they thought. Risotto didn’t even had to make him spit razors; a small blade piercing his forearm had been more than enough to make him cry and confess everything he knew.

And so, the team found out that their G/N, their beloved G/N, was alive. They were, in fact, kept captive, and this lift from their heart a weight they didn’t even realised was there. They hadn’t abandoned them… they had been forced to do it. And their teammates would have brought them back, at any cost.

The plan was simple: enter, kill whoever was on their path, take G/N and go back to the HQ. If the Artiglio gang was lead by a wise leader, they wouldn’t have tried to stop them or to get their revenge. If not… they would have tasted the rage of the whole hitman team.

The night of G/N’s rescue was even colder than the prior days. Even Ghiaccio, who usually bear the cold like it was nothing, was freezing. The team waited until the patrol was at the other side of the building, an unimpressive grey block of concrete, to break in.

Formaggio, who was already inside thanks to Little Feet, opened for them the door. While they were entering, Melone noticed, in a corner, a couple of bodies, but no blood; Formaggio knew how to kill discreetly, when he wanted to. They silently run from room to room, dismissing everyone they met: Ghiaccio froze to death a guard who was coming in their direction; The Grateful Dead silenced forever the men in the surveillance room, and Pesci literally teared a guard’s heart from his own chest with his Beach Boy. Illuso tricked a small group of potential dangerous obstacles in the mirror world, and a single motion of Risotto’s hand made appear on five guards macabre bloody smiles on their throats. The Artiglio gang had abducted one of their team; they would have shown no mercy.

Finally, they made their way to the last room. It was mostly dark, and the only little light came from few medical machinery that surrounded a hospital bed. Their heart skipped a beat when they saw, under the thin light grey cover and many small tubes, G/N. Their body was worn and weak, they… they seemed a corpse. And, when they called them, when G/N didn’t even flinch when Formaggio screamed their name and Ghiaccio shook them, the group of men really thought it was, by now, too late. However, Melone, showing more authority than in the past few years, silenced them all. He went near their bed, studying the data on the machinery and their condition with sharp eyes. Then, he checked the IVs and grimaced, understanding what was happening to them.

“So, Melone? What’s this? Are they fine?” Pesci frantically asked, anxious. Melone nodded, after studying also their medical records, sighing.

“They’re in an induced coma. There aren’t brain damages… The Artiglios just kept them asleep with a cocktail of benzodiazepines and remifentanil. Maybe they wanted to use them as bait or as informator… I honestly don’t know and I don’t care. We have to carry them out.” he said and, when he noticed that Formaggio was already going to tear out the IV needles from their arm, he immediately stopped him.

“No! It has to be done slowly, or they’ll suffer permanent damages! We have to carry them out with the IVs. At the HQ I’ll start the awakening procedures.” he ordered, with a harsh and professional tone. With some careful maneuvers, the whole group managed to carry G/N and all the IVs out of the room. Risotto and Pesci, the strongest ones, carried G/N with incredible care, and Melone carried the IVs; Formaggio and Illuso opened the way, and Ghiaccio and Prosciutto closed the group. They didn’t meet any other obstacles and, once they were out of the building, Risotto turned to Formaggio and Ghiaccio, with an unmistakable look in his eyes.

Burn everything down.

The two stayed back, while the rest of the group carried G/N to their headquarters, surrounded and protected by the darkness. When they were near their HQ, that same darkness was lightened by high and huge flames bloomed behind them, right where the enemy gang’s headquarters were. Formaggio and Ghiaccio had accomplished their work.

Now… now they just had to wake G/N up, and everything would have been ok.

This time, for real.

[wuvbug-kny]

too late — kamado tanjirou

↬ tw!! suicidal thoughts

↬ tanjirou x fem!reader x inosuke

↬ genre: angst

“i-i really do like you..um, it wasnt easy to confess b-but..yeah..”

my body shook. my head ached. my anxiety was over the roof. what was i thinking, why would i confess to him?! oh god. im going insane. what was i thinking..

i felt tears in my eyes start to form as my body got hotter by the second. my fists were clenches togethee tightly, nails digging into my palms as my heart raced at an unsteady pace. i gulped. why wasnt he saying anything? why is he just standing there? oh no.. my eyes remained stuck onto the ground as the knot in my throat got tighter. the tears that had formed in my eyes began to fall to the ground, and out of embarassment i lowered my head even more hoping he wouldnt notice.

tanjirou, please dont break me more than i already am broken.

“(y/n)..”

“y-yes?”

“im sorry.

i cant reciprocate your feelings.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

i felt numb. i felt like complete, utter trash.

i felt worthless. i feel worthless.

of course it turned out that way.

why did i get my hopes up? why was i so dumb? to think someone like him would love such a lonely, miserable girl like me.

my heart ached. ever since i felt like the hole in my chest had gotten the biggest its ever been. it hurt, the pain was incredibly painful, i felt like i seeped even more into darkness than the darkness i was emorsed in before.

god, why am i so miserable? what is this life you’ve given me? what is my purpose?

sometimes, no, at all times i just want to disappear.

the knock on my door startled me, causing me to jump up from my laying position on my bed, in result of getting up too fast i had landed on my floor painfully. i grunted in pain as more tears began to spilled out from my eyes.

im miserable..

quickly sitting up, i wiped the tears from my tomato reddened face before sucking everything up as best as i could.

“y-yes?” i replied to the knocking coming from my door.

the knocking got even louder.

confused, i called out again. “y-yes??”

i jumped, shrieking slightly as the door was kicked open. am i under attack? but this is the butterfly estate! scrambling to my bed like the coward i was, i quickly pulled out my blade, pointing it towards the now beaten down door.

“w-who is it??” i shivered.

“(y/n), you bird brain! training has started and everyone is still waiting on you!!”

in came inosuke, wearing his boar mask as usual.

i lowered my blade and sighed shakily, before putting it away. “i-inosuke..you scared me. you could of just answered to me instead of kicking my door open..” i said, getting up from the bed.

“whatever! you should be at training! you’re holding everyone up, you stupid hag!” he huffed, crossing his arms.

i forcefully made myself laugh, even though i was in now way amused by his words.

hes right.

im a burden to everybody.

i shouldnt be here.

i should just die.

im so worthless.

everyone would be better off without me.

without realizing, i felt the warmness of my tears flowing down my face. i felt my heart ache so badly, my body shaking.

unable to hold my stance, i fall to the floor. sobbing.

because im so pathetic.

taking my bruised up hands, i quickly try to wipe the tears away but they just keep coming, and coming. i cant stop. i cant stop. my bubble has bursted, i have no more energy, i have no energy to keep it all in anymore, i cant control myself.

as i was too busy drowning in my negative, self killing thoughts, i was interrupted when my hands were pulled away from my face.

a little taken aback, but still having tears flowing down my face, i looked up.

inosuke..

“what are you, a baby? stop it.” he grumbled as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. his thumb glided across my cheek, flicking my tears away as gently as ever. for a moment i felt my heart warm. this is the first time ive ever been carressed so gently. i loved the feeling, but at the same time surprised as to who i was recieving it from.

“dont cry anymore. i dont like it.” his hands gently carressed my face now as his emerald eyes looked into mine. i felt my heart skip a beat, the empty deep feeling in my chest being forgotten at the very moment. i couldnt look away from his eyes.

for the first time ever, i felt like. i was okay.

i teared up again, but before i could let the tears spill i engulfed inosuke in a hug. an endearing, loving, grateful hug. i sobbed as i buried my face into his chest.

“t-thank you. thank you so much.”

i felt his arms wrap around my shaking figure gently, as he at the same time patted my head.

i was honestly surprised as to what was going on right now. out of all people, inosuke.

you’ve made me so happy. you’ve made me feel safe, okay, and wanted.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

two months had passed ever since tanjirou had turned me down.

honestly, i had nothing against tanjirou. i never expected him to like me, heck, love me back even. i never expected him to reciprocate my feelings. but at the same time, i felt like i still had a chance. i dont know what was going through my mind at the time.

i still loved tanjirou. maybe not as much as before, but i knew i still had the slightesy feelings for him. i try my best to talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. i really just want to move on from it.

as much as i hate myself for it, seeing him and talking to him makes me feel worthless. i hate myself for feeling that way. if i could go back in time and redo everything, i most certainly would.

what hurt me even more was to see how close he had gotten himself with kanao. it was no surprise to me, honestly. kanao is a very pretty girl, and she’s just way better than me in general in regards to demon slaying and skill wise.

no wonder tanjirou would take interest in her.

i was happy for him, i really was. i held no resent towards kanao at all. afterall, it would be petty and childish.

kanao was a dear friend to me and if they really did have chemistry between one another, i do really wish them the best.

i just cant help but pity myself.

“(y/n)!”

i squeaked in surprise as i was suddenly lifted off the ground by a pair of arms around my waste and twirled around. it took me a moment to realize that it was nobody but inosuke, before having a giggling fit.

“i-inosuke! put me down!” i laughed as he started to make plane noises. i felt myself blush as his eyes locked itself with mine, before averting my gaze to block him from noticing my face had turned into a tomato red.

ever since i broke down in front of inosuke and had him comfort me, we’ve gotten a lot closer. not much has changed between us personality wise, but he associated with me way more and always seemed ready whenever id ask him a favor, etc. he also now liked to pick me up and pretend to toss me, or making plane noises as he twirled me around.

he’s honestly like my best friend now. i can actually talk to him about how i feel deep down inside. he listens but doesnt really give much input on it, but i dont mind. its inosuke afterall, what can i expect? all im grateful for is that he listens.

inosuke grinned before setting me back down on the floor. he patted my hat before literally collapsing onto the grass covered ground, yawning and using his arms to rest his head on.

“im tired, (y/n). take a nap with me.” he grunted, patting the spot next to him. i smiled before laying down too, as i looked up at the sky.

“hey, inosu-“ i cut myself off after i had looked at him and noticed he was already out like a light. i giggled a bit. hes such a baby, honestly.

i stared at his face a bit more and noticed how pretty and feminine his features were. his eyelashes were curled and at a beautiful length, his lips slightly parted making him look angelic. his fair skin with no scars made him look like an angel.

jeez, god really do be picking favorites.

i sighed before laying back down on the grass, closing my eyes as i rested my head on inosuke’s chest. i felt myself sleeping into sleep and just let it happen.

this was one of the many times i felt at peace, always with inosuke.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

“im telling you, inosuke and (y/n) have a thing going on! have you seen how they are with each other?!” falling onto the floor, zenitsu started to sob. “why, out of all people, him?! a pretty girl like (y/n) deserves better! eUUugGNnN!!”

“what are you guys talking about?” tanjirou asked as he walked into the room, a smile worn on his face as he laughed at zenitsu obviously being overdramatic about whatever it was.

aoi and the other three girls sighed as they continued on eating their lunch.

“zenitsu thinks (y/n) and inosuke are dating and hes freaking out about it because he knows he’ll never get someone as pretty as (y/n).” aoi said, laughing at the last part.

tanjirou froze, before laughing nervously. “aaah, dont say that, im sure zenitsu will find someone one day!”

aoi shrugged, followed on by more giggles coming from sumi and the two others.

“are (y/n) and inosuke really dating?” tanjirou asked, sitting down.

“dont even mention it! agh!” zenitsu cried from his laying position on the ground, before burying his face in his arms again.

aoi rolled her eyes before moving onto answering tanjirou. “well..no, actually yeah, no, we dont know. i mean it looks like it. they’ve gotten a lot of closer and inosuke is always up on (y/n) now. i mean, they’d make a really cute couple! i see the way (y/n) lights up when shes around him.”

“a-ah. i see.” tanjirou said, letting out a slight laugh. “well, im gonna head out to train now. ill see you all at dinner.”

aoi and the three girls said goodbye to him as he made his exit.

tanjirou walked down the halls of the butterfly estate, before stumbling upon the garden. he sighed, walking out with the intention to take a look at the peaceful view of the garden meadow and for some fresh air.

his peace was interrupted, however, as his eyes locked upon two well known people cuddled up on the garden grass, taking a peaceful nap.

his fists clenched, and so did his teeth.

he felt jealousy over power him. he did not realize it, but it was there and he felt it. he just didnt know what it was.

but what he knew, was regret.

that he had let (y/n) slip past him.

[oh-shit-a-baby]

BLACK FRIDAY THOUGHTS PART TWO

A complete compilation of my thoughts throughout the musicals second half,,, this bois going to be real long bc I have a lot of thoughts lol

Now without @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces :(

Yep dumbledore can still sing

Omg his voice

This song is going to make me cry aaaaa

Becky: you don’t look at all the same as I remember

Me: yeah no shit dumbledore grew a beard

Jesus,,,,, theyre just going to go for it right there,,,,,, ookay

Wtaf is this movie they’re watching

HOLY SHIT HER VOICE IS /PRETTY/ HER RANGE IS HUGE!!!

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion bc no one has an opinion yet but Becky and toms song is the cutest one ever and a bop and I love it

Jesus they payed for a balcony and they’re going to fucking use it aren’t they

WELCOME TO PEIP HQ IM SO DOWN FOR THAT

OH THERE ARE MANY DIMENSIONS????? U GONNA EXPLAIN THAT MR GENERAL MACNAMARA????

The black and white isn’t that what lexs sister was on about

Wiggly is the king u wot m8

President kurt knows nothing about anything and that’s a mood

So if the next movie isn’t about ‘13 years ago’ imma freak

U WANNA SEND ME INTO THE FUCKIN TWILIGHT ZONE AND HAVE DINNER WITH THE DEVIL??????!?!!

NO!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!

^^^president kurt quotes

In short, mr president, we are trying to stop the birth

*dramatic piano*

Of a god.

*dRAMATIC PIANO*

It’s good score tho 10/10

Sherman young

Nuff said

After today’s great battle???

Faith in the one true god!! All hail wiggly!!!

My new religion lol

LET LAKESIDE MALL BE A NEW JERUSALEM!!!!

*cue joey and Robert just screaming wiggly for like 5 mins straight*

NO THEY FOUND LEX

OH YEAH FUCKIN KILL THEM!!!

Who????????

FUCK YEAH LINDA

CULT??? NO! ITS A NEW EXCITING RELIGION THAT I STARTED!!!!

Yeah Gerald

She pronounces Cinnabon as see-nah-bohn what’s up with that lol

I NEED A WIGGLY DOLL...... IDEALLY FOUR OF THEM!!!

IVE MET GOD. HE HAD NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

*cue people dying and their mics stopping working*

Holy fuck they all wanna kill Hannah now (lexs sister gets a name now apparently)

LAUREN I LOVE YOU AS A VILLAIN

I would kneel before villain Lauren any day

I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything, and then I will deestroy everything and then I will oh shit it’s Gerald.

While I don’t want you to think for yourselves I do want you to understand what I mean when I say my evil shit

I’m sorry that choreo is a yike

ETHAN DARLING COME BACK I MISS YOU <<<333333

IM CRYING NOW

He’s in the black and white now we’ll that sounds like shit

NOT ETHAN

Hannah is the unsung hero of this musical so far

*said in wiggly voice* well, webby (Hannah’s spider imaginary friend who I think is gonna be the deus ex machina of this thing) is a stupid bitch!

Rotten little banana. I’m going to peel you. I’m going to split you in two. I’m going to eat you Hannah. I’m going to eat you right now. *all said in dramatic wiggly voice*

Aaand their mics broke again

We don’t get tricked! We’re grown ups!

And Becky and Tom are immediately evil the second they see the wiggly bc of course they are

Jesus beckys the villain???????

Welcome to the musical where everyone gets a villain song AND a hero song??????

Her voice is still beautiful

*Prancing around* DO YOU WANT SOME CANDYYYYY??????

She’s still wearing ethans hat my heart is going to go oh my god

And he just,,,,, leaves Becky to die?????

President Kurt in a space suit oh my god

And America is great again is playing in the background

MACNAMARA SAID ‘GODSPEED’ AND IS THAT A CATCHPHRASE I SENSE THERE

Yeah no president kurt can’t do foreign policy

His name is like howie or something but imma call him president kurt just like Tom was dumbledore for like the first half of this mess

Oh fuck joeys character is here and he’s gonna FUCK PREZ KURT UP

He’s eating an apple that means he’s a asshole

Holy fuck joeys character is like the ultimate capitalist

And also terrifying holy shit

NO MACNAMARA DONT GO IN THERE

Joeys character: Do you think that in the Netherlands they’d care about some toy??? Nah!!! They’re too busy with their free vacations and FREE healthcare!!

(When I refer to joeys character I mean the evil one he just doesn’t have a name yet so idk what to call him)

And joey can still sing I love him

His voice is so good and this whole villain is giving me spies are forever flashbacks

I have absolutely no fuckin clue what’s going on rn

Holy fuck joeys voice is so beautiful and his range is killing me

I take back what I said earlier this song is the best one bc joey

Holy fuck someone just hit like a high d and I have no clue who it was bc the video quality is not the greatest

JESUS THATS TERRIFYING

THE FUCK YOU MEAN DONT BE FRIGHTENED THATS MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON

LOOK AT THIS FUCKER JESUS CHRIST

Wiggly is so scary because he speaks like a child and those are scary

MACNAMARA EX MACHINA

Mac: BEGONE

Prez kurt: SORRY JOHN I FUCKED IT UP

THATS THE HOOK FROM NOT YOUR SEED ISNT IT HOLY SHIT

Joeys voice and acting is gonna kill me

Yeah made in America is the shit

MAC NO U CANT DIE U DIE IN TGWDLM

Also the black and white is a dumb as shit name for an alternate reality

Prez kurt: MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

*wiggly voice* Uh-oh mr prezzy-wez. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-womb.

Well shits about to go down

I’m calling it the bomb bombed the White House

Oop no they’ve only gone and lost Moscow

Well fuck here comes ww3 I guess

And prez kurt is definitely insane in the brain

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN THE ‘ALIENS INVADING MINDS’ BIT OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE A MUSICAL GENIUS

Jesus Sherman is a weird fuck and lex is kinda clever I guess it’s a shame we haven’t seen her for most of the musical

Lex: I THREW EM IN THE FUCKIN TRASH

LEX BABY NO DONT DIE

Lex: Is this what I live for? To be choked in a toy store?

Lexs beautiful song is this musicals version of not your seed but depression

And her voice is /pretty/

MAC?????????????

WHAT??????????????

OH MY GOD HE IS AUTHORISING HER TO USE HIS FIREARM YES QUEEN

I’m sorry lex and Hannah can do what

Jeffs voice kills me him and joey need a duet and that would be the end of me

What did lex just do in so confused

MAC DID THE SALUTE IMMA CRY YALL

And we’re back with Tom

Oh fuck lex is gonna shoot tom

Hold up Tom names his son Tim

Wiggly is playing mind tricks now yikes

Lex: KIDS DONT WANT THAT PEICE OF SHIT!!!

Tom: wat

Lex: THEYRE ALL INTO FORTNITE DUDE!!!!!

So the doll can only fuck with adults not kids???

Jesus Christ this is depressing

U wot lex

Lex: YOURE LIKE 40!!!!! YOU PROBABLY THINK YOURE LIFE IS OVER!!!!

Holy fuck this shit is deep

Wait lex still doesn’t know about Ethan oh my god

And Dylan gets another hero song holy fuck just give Robert a song already everyone else has one

At the same time though this is S a d

I’m not crying you’re crying

YES DUMBLEDORE U HIT THAT HIGH NOTE

Tom: in fact you’re real fuckin ugly

Me: yeah no shit

Lex: FUCK YEAH!!!! Should i move these boxes first?

*cue very clever scene change*

Yeah Gerald no one wants to talk to u

Oh my god Linda leave Hannah and ethans hat alone my heart is breaking for Hannah

Linda: is this some kind of a jooooke?????

They’re gonna set one of their dolls on fire ok ok ok this is fine

More villain songs ookay

If someone could tell me what the fuck is going on in this scene I’d be very impressed

Evil yoga

YES LAUREN U QUEEN

HOLY FUCK IS THAT CHARLOTTE??????

OH MY GOD ITS JAIME IN THE CHARLOTTE COSTUME IT IS CHARLOTTE HOLY SHIT

ITS CHARLOTTE AND THE HOMELESS DUDE HOLY SHIT

The choreo is...... interesting

Cue Robert not-Corey and Lauren being the only good dancers and getting special choreo

FUCK YEAH BECKY WITH THE GUN

LINDA NO

Ookay so everyone’s on fire this is fine

Emma and Paul ex machina

SOMEBODY NUKED MOSCOW!

paul is family third wheeling

YOU KNOW, SHE HAS THIS KOOKY RECLUSIVE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR

*audience fucking looses their shit*

WHO LIVES ON THE EDGE OF TOWN

Paul is having an existential crisi because he sHOULD HAVE WORN A WATCH

Someone’s gonna fall of that staircase by the end of this performance

HOLY FUCK ITS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID

IT IS THE HOT CHOCOLATE KID OH NY GODDDDD

LOOK AT HIM

It’s the what if tomorrow comes bit!!!!!!!

Okay again this choreo is interesting but the vocals are all S t u n n i n g

They’re literally counting down until the end of the show imma loose my shit that’s the least subtle they’ve been during the entire show

Hang on hang on hang on hang on haaaaang on right there

Did lex just never find out that her boyfriend died we were deprived of a heart wrenching moment when she found out about Ethan

Like jeez I cried and I barely knew him she was dating the guy and just... didn’t ask about him????

ITS THE HOOK AGAIN

That’s it!!!!! Those were my thoughts the first time I watched this through!!!!!!!

Scream at me in the notes with any questions and I’ll try answer them :)

[stevie-steven-stevington]

Febuwhump Day 9: coma

Fandom: MCU Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, May Parker, Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones Category: Gen Rating: T Warnings: injury description? idk Words: 1.7k

read on ao3

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When Peter calls him, Tony figures it’s just to say he’s going to be late.

It’s 1:47 on a Saturday. Peter’s supposed to be here at 4:00, with Happy picking him up at 3:00, but every once in a while Peter will end up late because he wants to finish an essay first or something.

It’s not unusual for either Tony to receive a call from Peter in the middle of the school day. It is unusual for no one to respond when he picks up.

“Pete?” Tony’s immediately concerned, sitting stick-straight in his lab chair as he hears nothing but faltering breathing. “Peter.”

A strangled noise comes from the other end of the line. Tony’s out of his seat and running to the room where he keeps all his suits in less than a second. Peter’s voice finally comes through the phone. “T-Tony, I - I’m at the hospital. We - there was an accident. M-May is -”

The chill that runs through Tony’s bones might be the coldest thing he’s ever felt.

Please don’t say dead. Please don’t say dead.

Peter’s so young. Way too young to have dealt with as much loss as he always has, and way too young to have more loss added on. He’s just fifteen and he’s already more acquainted with grief than most adults are.

May can’t be dead. She’s one of the liveliest people Tony’s ever met and she would sooner look God in the face and tell him to go to hell than leave her nephew behind.

“She’s hurt, Tony. She’s - I can’t - Tony, I need you.”

Not dead. Okay.

He can work with that.

“What hospital, kid?”

It takes him twenty-five minutes to fly to the hospital Peter’s in, which is precisely twenty-five minutes too long.

He draws weird looks from just about everyone in the hospital as he hurries toward the waiting room - he had his suit fly back to the compound on its own, of course, but it’s still Tony Stark, wearing an old, worn-out AC/DC shirt and jeans and running through a local Queens hospital like his life depends on it.

In his rush to get to Peter, he hadn’t even thought to grab his hat and sunglasses. A fact he’ll come to regret later, perhaps, but couldn’t give less of a shit about now.

He finds Peter sitting in the back corner of the waiting room, Ned and MJ on either side of him with their hands clasped around his. Peter’s head rests on MJ’s shoulder, while Ned keeps glancing between Peter and the text he seems to be typing out with his one free hand. The kid’s eyes are vacant and there’s a gash on his forehead that’s covered with butterfly stitches, but he’s here.

In three long strides, Tony is standing in front of Peter. The kid’s gaze shifts slowly upward, head rising and eyes clearing just slightly when they land on him.

Peter doesn’t speak, but his shoulders visibly relax and he releases MJ’s hand to reach out for Tony. Kneeling in front of the kid’s chair, Tony takes Peter’s hand in one of his own and brushes the hair that’s sticky with sweat off Peter’s forehead with the other.

“Hey, Underoos,” Tony says softly. “You wanna tell me what happened?”

No response. Tony frowns, glances between Peter’s friends with a look that he hopes says, Explain?

Ned obliges, rubbing his thumb up and down Peter’s knuckle. “They, uh - Peter and May were in a car crash. Peter came out okay, but May is...she’s in surgery right now.”

Jesus Christ.

First his parents, then his uncle, and now this.

Apparently, that’s not all. Ned nods to Peter. “He hasn’t spoken since he called you.”

Some people shut down during highly stressful situations. He’s not surprised that Peter is one of them.

Well. Tony didn’t have any plans today. And anyway, he’d cancel a meeting with every single world leader on the planet for Peter.

An hour passes.

Peter remains silent and out of it. Tony takes MJ’s chair and holds tight to Peter’s fingers, while MJ slides down a seat and rests her hand on Peter’s knee.

People come and go through the waiting room.

The world keeps turning.

Two hours.

Still nothing from Peter or the doctors. The waiting room clock ticks on and on and on, much too loud in the quiet of the waiting room.

The world keep turning.

Five hours pass before a nurse steps into the waiting room and says, “Is there a Peter Parker in here?”

Peter jerks out of his seat, fingers slipping out of Tony and Ned’s grips. The whole rest of their group stands to join him as the nurse walks over to Peter, clipboard in his hand and a sympathetic look on his face. He does a bit of a double take when he sees Tony Stark standing next to a teenage kid in a hospital waiting room, but he recovers quickly.

“Mr. Parker, your aunt made it through surgery with no hiccups.” The nameplate on his shirt pocket says Christopher Baker and he pronounces aunt like ant. Peter’s entire demeanor brightens, but only marginally, as if he’s still afraid to hope. “However, Ms. Parker remains in a coma. The doctors are confident that she will wake up and be able to make a full recovery, but it may be a while before that happens.”

Tony lets out a sigh of relief and hears all three of the kids do the same.

She’s not dead. She’s almost definitely going to be okay.

For the first time in five hours, Peter speaks. “Can I see her?”

“Yes, but, uh - only family, for now.”

Peter’s fingers find Tony’s sleeve. “Can - can Mr. Stark come with me? Please?”

“Um…”

Tony shoots the nurse a look - not the do it because I’m Tony fucking Stark look. More of a come on, man, cut the kid a break look. “I know it’s not protocol because we’re not related by - by blood or adoption or whatever. But May’s family to both of us, alright? And the kid’s fifteen, don’t make him see his comatose aunt alone.”

A moment of hesitation, then a nod.

Tony follows Peter out of the waiting room.

“I feel like it’s my fault.”

Tony looks at him, brow furrowed. Peter doesn’t turn, eyes fixed on his aunt, and doesn’t elaborate either.

May is hooked up to fewer wires and machines than Tony had expected. There’s just an IV line running from her left arm and a heart rate monitor beeping in the corner of the room. Her right leg is in a cast and there’s bandages wrapped around her left wrist, but the hardest thing to look at is her face. Cuts and scrapes and bruises criss-cross along her skin, one of her eyes is completely swollen shut, and her cheeks are missing their usual rosy glow.

All in all, she looks terrible.

God, Tony hates hospitals.

He hates that Peter has to see the only blood-family he has left like this.

Peter has May’s good hand clasped gently in his. His face is carefully blank, almost like he’s deliberately trying not to show any emotion.

Trying not to cry, Tony’s sure.

He almost wishes Peter would cry, at least it’d be less disturbing than this. But on the other hand, Tony’s never exactly thought his comforting skills were up to par.

“How would it be your fault, Pete?” he asks, even though he knows the real answer is that it wouldn’t. There’s literally no way it could be Peter’s fault, but if this is something the kid needs to say, then fine.

“I should’ve -” Peter sniffs, blinking quickly in what’s definitely an attempt to hold back tears. The kid’s practically as emotionally constipated as Tony, it’s terrifying. “I should’ve stopped it. I - I knew the car was coming, I felt it -”

For a second, Tony’s confusion grows, until he remembers. Spider-sense. Right.

“I could’ve warned May, if I’d just - if I’d just been a little faster -”

Yeah, no. Nope, nope, definitely not. He’s not letting Peter beat himself up for a car crash where he wasn’t even fucking driving.

Even if he had been driving, it still wouldn’t be his damn fault. Accidents happen. They’re no one’s fault, or else they wouldn’t be called accidents.

“Kid.” Tony places a hand on Peter’s shoulder. The kid’s head turns and Tony can see his eyes glistening. In the softest voice Tony can possibly muster, he says, “Pete, it’s not your fault. You had, what, a two second warning? You can’t blame yourself for not reacting at the fucking speed of light.”

A tear slips down Peter’s cheek. Tony keeps going.

“And besides, what would’ve happened if you had said something? Your aunt would’ve freaked, jerked the steering wheel, probably crashed into another car. Possibly caused an even worse accident.”

He squeezes Peter’s shoulder. “You did nothing wrong, kiddo. And May’ll tell you the same thing when she wakes up. Because she will wake up. Your aunt’s way too badass to go out this early.”

Peter snorts out something between a laugh and a sob. Tony wants nothing more than to pull the kid into a hug, but he refrains. Waits for Peter to initiate, if he’s going to.

He does. Peter pitches forward in his chair - he would’ve fallen in Tony wasn’t as prepared to catch him as he was - and buries his face in Tony’s shoulder. Muffled by both fabric and his tears, Peter says, “You’re right. May would never let one stupid car be the end of her, anyway.”

Wrapping his arms around Peter, Tony smiles into his hair. “Your aunt’s way too powerful for a damn car, Pete.”

This gets a real laugh.

Which turns into sobbing. Harsh, shaky, broken-hearted sobbing.

So Tony holds him. In the middle of a hospital room, with the beeping of a heart monitor in the background, Tony holds him and lets him cry.

Peter stays at the compound while May is in the hospital.

May wakes up five days later and almost immediately proceeds to tell Peter exactly what Tony told him, while Tony grins at the two of them from the doorway.

When he says I told you so, Peter wordlessly flips him off, making him laugh so hard he spills drops of his coffee all over the tiled floor.

And yeah. Everything he said to the nurse that first day was true.

[strangelittlestories]

Third Eye

So, if this #microfiction were the start of a podcast, would you listen to it?

---

Greetings all you radio warriors and aural fixers, you've tuned in to Third Eye: fashion tips for the end times.

First up in today's episode, we're going to be talking about hats. Hats are very "in" right now, and with good reason, they're a fabulous flirtation between form and function.

What's your favourite headgear, friends of Third Eye? Do you favour the humble baseball cap, scorched and dust-stained by your many wanderings? Or perhaps you go tacti-cool and are never seen without a full-on riot gear helmet? You know the kind, sleek matte black with the pleasingly intimidating visor; the polycarb still dented by the ghosts of that peaceful protest you attended that went ever so bad. Maybe those ghosts are literal. Who knows?

I've seen a lot of strong looks from my perch, my children of the threads, and here are a few of my faves. As well as a couple of trends to avoid like the plague...

Number one: fascinators. In these strange times, intolerance is a big problem. Here at Third Eye, we'd never tell you to hide who you are, but sometimes it is wise to express yourself *differently* when in the mixed company of the urban wilds. A fascinator gives those of you who have begun to grow horns, antennae or (indeed) an extra eye a chance to showcase a different aspect of your essential you-ness.

Number B: the fedora got a bad rap in the times before the Curtain Call, but I have to admit a certain appreciation for something wide-brimmed. As well as keeping the rain off your pate, it does what the best styles do and it tells a story. It says: here I am in the concrete wasteland, worn, and forlorn, but never so world-weary as to fade away entirely.

Number gamma: the humble sports helmet. It says: I survived and still have pride in my above average performance in physical education and middling amateur sports career. Fuck you, nerds, cardio is queen. Because if the end taught us anything, it's that jocks are overpowered.

Number iv: circlets. Circlets are in.

And to round out the full foxtrot india victor echo, we have: *living headgear*. A patch of living shadow. A haunted pair of night vision goggles. A swarm of hornets. A single tiny dragon coiled around your curls. Not only are they cutting edge of world-ending fashion, but they can be real difference in a scrap and they'll keep you sane in the lonely times. No matter how dashing your reflection, it can't give you the *connection* you need. Believe me, I've tried.

Always remember, my darlings of dress-up: dress for the apocalypse you want, not the apocalypse you have. From the top of your hat to the tip of your toes.

I got thinking about hats after observing a particular encounter on the M25 this week. Let me tell you about the woman who hid the light under her hat...

[artificialqueens]

Alaska's Christmas Extravaganza ~ Hobnob

AN: You know, i love this time of year but people seem to really miss the true meaning of Christmas. I felt obliged to put it into context for the lovely folks at home. Lets have a look at some reviews shall we?

“The spelling was ok.”- Daily Mail

“There was a good attempt there.” -The Sunday Times

“I think i need to watch the show before getting any of this sweetie.” -My Mum

I hope Shangela reads this and finds the strength to win AS3~ Hobnob

–The scene sets in a small living room, adorned with various Christmas ornaments strung up around the mantlepiece. A crackling log fire fills the air with a certain smell akin to the time of year, and occasionally spits the odd ember onto the beige carpeted floor. An artificial tree in the far corner emits a low hum as it partially lights the dim room. Three individuals inhabit the area, sitting on a rather worn looking sofa whilst watching BBC news in ugly Christmas sweaters.–

Jinkx: Alaska you little shit.

Alaska: Hiee.

Jinkx: The nextdoor neighbours said you smothered their Christmas tree in faeces and ate their dog.

Alaska: (Gnawing at a bone) I can’t help it. Christmas is shit.

Jinkx: (Getting up and turning the telly off) You’re gonna have to go get it together before we go to my nans Christmas party on Saturday.

Alaska: If you make me go i’ll set her milky eyes on fire!

Jinkx: Jesus christ Alaska thats messed up.

Alaska: Yeah well you’re jewish. You don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Alaska: Christmas can suck my wang!!

Roxxxy: (Speaking up with a mouth full of mince pies #thickandjuicy) Sounds like you need…the spirit of Christmas.

Alaska: The spirit of Christmas?

Roxxxy: Didn’t you know? Legend says Shangela has the ability to grant unlimited holiday cheer with a single holy halleloo.

Alaska: Gay.

Roxxxy: (Sobbing, but continuing to eat) Its not gay Alaska!

Roxxxy: And you’d better find your Christmas cheer before Jinkxseses nans party.

Alaska: I don’t see it for me but ok.

Jinkx: I won’t have you ruining it like last year.

Alaska: Wasn’t that bad.

Roxxxy: You killed 5 salvation army workers with a decorative star.

Alaska: And I’d do it again!!!

Alaska: I couldn’t care less about that party. I don’t care for Christmas. Tiny Tim can contract ebola!!

Roxxxy: (Checking her casio sports watch) I’m late for the bus guys gtg. Bingo is in half an hour.

Alaska: Hmmmm…the spirit of Christmassssss🤔🤔🐍sssounds gay…

–Alaska gets up and walks to the window. The snowfall isn’t all that heavy as small flakes are illuminated by a street lamp with lewd drawings carved into the side. She could drive around to find the Shangela, except she owned a BMW, and rear wheel drive is shit in winter so she’d probably crash into some schoolboys on their way home.–

Alaska: Jinkx i need a lift.

Jinkx: I can’t, my cars in the shop.

Jinkx: you keyed the entirety of Aja’s Valentina speech on it last week.

–A shadowy figure in a Santa hat approaches the window and taps the glass with a skeletal finger.–

Ru: It’s me, God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: It’s me, Rupaul!

Alaska: Rupaul? I thought Miss Fame set you on fire for eating meat?

Ru: (Neck rolling) My body is an illusion chiilde. My existence is merely a string of conscious decisions ive made prior to this mortal realm.

Alaska: Party.

Alaska: Please mawma. Help me find Shangela so I won’t be a cunt to my loved ones all the time.

Ru: Well…i suppose I’m all out of queens to block on twitter…

Ru: Aight lets make this quick, i have a bingo game in half an hour.

–They both get in Rupauls Toyota Camry and speed off whilst remaining under the speed limit. Road safety is important at this time of year as 70% of road collisions occur at Christmas.–

Alaska: (Shedding her skin) Where the bloody hell would Shangela be?

Ru: In todays maxi challenge, we’ll be traveling to the happiest place on earth!

Alaska: Lapland?

Ru: Close.

Ru: Scotland!

Alaska: Oh.

Alaska: (Hissing at the radio) Change the station rupaul this is making my ears bleed.

Ru: Oh? But this is the latest hit off my smashing Christmas album, ‘The beggining of the realness glamazonian peanut walk-the rumix.’

Alaska: Well turn it off. Its upsetting Jinkxes nan.

–The pair of them turn around to see Jinkxes nan having a Christmas seizure.–

Ru: If you don’t like it Alaska, get out. I don’t have to put up with tomfuckery. I’m God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: No yes thats right.

–Alaska ejects the CD and throws it outside at a schoolboy. She takes a CD from her bra and pops it in as one of her many compelling songs begins to play.–

Alaska: Anus now available at your closest pound world.

Ru: Get out.

–Alaska is thrown out the car into a pile of snow.–

Alaska: Fuck you Rupaul you saggy bastard!!

Ru: See you at all stars 17 lad.

Ru: (Neck rolling) Oh you…forgot this.

–Rupaul throws Jinkxes nan into the pile of snow and speeds off.– Alaska: Shit.

–Alaska spots a warm glow in the distance. On further inspection it’s a humble pub. She approaches it, stepping over Jinkxes nan along the way. Once inside she spots a booth of old geezers.–

Alaska: Mrs. Kasha Davis? Tempest Dujour? Why you here?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Us old folk have a hard time finding a place to stay during winter, and you know what they say!

Alaska: There’s always time for a cocktail?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: No. Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Tearing up) I have no grasp of my drinking problem and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been help me please.

Alaska: Lol hiee.

Tempest: Your aura is jacked. What’s troubling you?

Alaska: I need to find Shangela. Legend says a single halleloo can light a soul on fire with Christma-

Tempest: Dont talk to me about legend you lanky shit. I invented that story.

Tempest: Besides, that’s just a myth i created.

Alaska: But why Tempest?

Tempest: To get those kids off my danm lawn!

Charlie: (Raising her pint) Here here!

Alaska: Then that means…I’m doomed to hate Christmas forever…

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yeah looks like it.

Alaska: I think I’ll go watch the Sherlock Christmas special.

Alaska: Thanks for literally nothing.

–Alaska hangs her head and pushes a pint glass off the table sadly :( She begins to exit the pub.–

Charlie: Wait!!! You have passed the test.

Alaska: (Turning back around) Pardon?

Charlie: Most people prefer the Doctor Who Christmas special, but the Sherlock Christmas special is far superior. You have passed the test.

–The seniors huddle together and whisper amongst themselves before turning back to Alaska.–

Tempest: Shangela is in fact real.

Tempest: We were only goofing you before because you’re sort of a dick.

Alaska: So Shangela is in the happiest place on earth Scotland?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Guffawing) Dont be silly.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Scotland doesn’t exist. Shangela lives in Sheffield, up in the block of flats behind Lidl.

Tempest: I hear the Lidl fruit cake is very good this year.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yes Ive heard that too.

Tempest: Mmm very good.

Charlie: Bit too dense for me. Gives me diarrhoea.

–They all look around to Alaska who’s disappeared.–

Tempest: Shit.

–Around an hour later and Alaska finds herself outside a large council estate. She travels up the flight of stairs to a door with a Christmas wreath. She rips it off the door and knocks. A Christmas present rolls out the door and Shangela pops out.–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: Hiee are you…

Alaska: (Looking down at her hand) Shanjello?

Shangela: Maybe i am. maybe i arent.

Shangela: I just huffed an entire tube of paint i genuinely don’t know anymore.

Alaska: This entire holiday is aids.

Alaska: I got frostbite on the way up and i left Jinkxes nan to die in a pile of snow.

Alaska: I need some Christmas spirit.

Shangela: (Taking out a fat blunt and taking a massive chong) Listen here you lanky shit.

Shangela: Many before you have tried, and most have failed.

Shangela: Just like on drag race, consequence for failure…is death.

Alaska: I’m not sure that’s correct.

Shangela: Yeah sorry its the drugs.

Shangela: Alright go get me some Lidl fruit cake and i’ll give you my sweet Christmas goo.

Alaska: Ok but i never want to hear the phrase ‘sweet Christmas goo’ ever again.

Alaska: Biee

Shangela: (Waving and grinning) No problem giant purple rat.

Shangela: Is the sky melting?

–Alaska makes her way inside Lidl and grabs a big ol fruit cake. At the counter she couldn’t help but feeling she knew the cashier dressed up in a reindeer costume. She pushes a schoolboy over and places her baked Christmas goods on the counter along with a litre bottle of tizer which was only a quid insane bargain.–

Raja: 3 quid mate.

Alaska: Raja??? You work in Lidl???

Raja: Aye.

Raja: You know how it is. Crippling debt and all that.

Raja: Turns out 75,000 pounds goes quickly if you spend it all on grey hair dye.

Alaska: I didn’t ask but ok, werk.

Raja: What are you doing here? You hate Christmas and seasonal foods.

Alaska: it’s not for me, Shangela is exchanging Cake for Christmas spirit.

Raja: (Gasping) That idea is a boot from me. Shangela is a very vengeful and evil spirit!

Raja: OI RAVEN.

Raven: (From across the room working another counter) WHAT.

Raja: THE CUNTS ONLY GONE AND MADE A DEAL WITH SHANGELA.

Raven: WELL GET HER OUT THE STORE I WONT BE CLEANING UP BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR.

Raja: (Turning back to Alaska) Would you like a bag for an extra 5p?

Alaska: Vengeful spirit? What are you on about?

Raja: Well, back on our season there happened to be a Christmas challenge…

Raja: All was going well. The room was full of seasonal cheer! That was all until a large box was rolled out and we were all proper gagged.

Raja: Shangela popped out of the box after being eliminated from last season. She was ready to snatch the crown by any means necessary.

Raja: As it turns out she did so badly in the challenge, she landed herself in the bottom 2 once again.

Raja: Fuelled by her hatred for tulle fabric and Mimi Imfurst, she managed to stay in the competition. But at a cost…

Raja: Ever since, she’s hated Christmas! And steals the souls of those who cannot bring her Christmas cake!!

Raven: RAJA DID YOU TELL HER THE STORY?

Raja: I’M TELLING IT NOW FUCK OFF.

Alaska: (Hands over the money) Sounds fake.

Alaska: See you at Jinkxes nans party!

Raja: Bye.

Raja: Daft cunt…

–Back outside Shangela’s door, Alaska knocks three times. Did she have anything to worry about? Was Raja’s warning true?–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: I brought you fruit cake.

Shangela: Who are you?

Alaska: We met 10 minutes ago.

Shangela: Ah! Giant purple rat!

–Alaska hands over the cake and Shangela observes it for a moment.–

Shangela: This…this i-is not Christmas fruit cake…

Alaska: Oh man really? Haa i must’ve picked up partytime gyozas by accident my bad.

Shangela: (Fists trembling as she goes red) YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE..

Alaska: Omf the look on your face right now…priceless.

Alaska: Hey what’s your wifi password?

Shangela: IM-IM.

–Shangela begins to transform as she morphs into a disgusting snowman creature. Finally she lets out a blood curdling screech and lunges at Alaska.–

Shangela: HAAALEEELOOOOOOOOOOO

Alaska: (Dodging Shangela’s punch) Hmm i think Raja may of been on to something…

Alaska: I’d better get out of here huh.

–Alaska begins to boot it down the stairs, Shangela hot on her heels, throwing glasses of Absolut cocktails at her. Alaska’s lanky knees give way as she clatters to the floor. She was at the mercy of Shangela, who towered over her menacingly.–

Shangela: I DONT HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE IVE NEVER HAD A CHRISTMAS CAKE IF I WANTED CHRISTMAS CAKE YES I PROBABLY COULD GO OUT AND GET ONE BECAUSE I AM WHAT? HUNGRY. YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL BABY EVERYTHING I HAVE EATEN IVE WORKED FOR AND GOTTEN MYSELF I HAVE BUILT MYSELF FROM THE GROUND UP YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Alaska: (Cowering and shaking in fear) IM SO CONFUSED IS THIS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING?

–Suddenly a Toyota Camry screeches to a halt. The door opens and it’s Rupaul!–

Ru: Alaska! Get in!

–Alaska picks herself off the floor and hops in the car. They speed away as Shangela runs after them, her snowman body gaining power in the heavy snow.–

Alaska: Rupaul? Why did you come back?

Ru: Ive been listening to Anus!

Ru: I relate a lot to the message of nails.

–Shangela lets out another roaring halleloo as she continues to throw acid cocktails. Alaska cooks up an idea stew.–

Alaska: Ru! Drive back to Jinkxes house!

Ru: What? Why? She’ll destroy the place!

Alaska: Trust mawma.

–When they arrive at Jinkxes house Ru does a sick tailspin and stops in the driveway. They leg it inside as a confused Jinkx is setting out party foods and drinks.–

Alaska: JINKX! DID YOU BUY CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE FOR THE PARTY?

Jinkx: What? Yeah it’s my nans favourite.

Alaska: Your nan is dead Jinkx!

Alaska: Go get the fucking cake!!

Jinkx: Wait what?

Alaska: No time to explain go grab the cake!!

Jinkx: Did you say my nan-

Alaska: Jinkx really gurl priorities. Get the fucking cake.

–Jinkx goes into the kitchen and comes back with the baked goods in hand. Alaska hurries to the front door and swings it open to find a now 50 ft tall Shangela running towards the house. She readies her throwing arm into Shangela’s agape mouth and takes aim.–

Alaska: Merry Christmas.

Alaska: motherfucker.

–She throws it with her massively lanky arms as it lands in Shangela’s throat. Shangela munches for a bit before nodding her head and returning to her original size.–

Shangela: Bloody good cake that. Aight you’ve earned your Christmas spirit Alaska.

Alaska: Thanks.

Alaska: But you know, i don’t think i need it.

Alaska: I’ve learnt that Christmas isn’t about Holiday spirit, or even our loved ones.

Alaska: It’s about food. I get it now.

Ru: Good job chiiilde. You figured it out.

Ru: Looks like my work here, (Winks) is done.

Alaska: But where will you go?

Ru: Wherever I’m needed.

Ru: Plus i hear Michelle got in trouble with the feds for smuggling coke in her boobs, so i’d better go help her out.

Alaska: Bieeeee.

–People start arriving for the Christmas party. Tempest Dujour, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Charlie Hides, Raja, Raven and even Roxxxy take their places at the table and begin to chow down on the delicious munchies. Just before Alaska goes inside Shangela lets out a small cough.–

Shangela: Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. You’ve taught me the true meaning of Christmas, and I’m forever grateful for that henny.

Alaska: You know…there is an extra place at the table since we killed Jinkxes nan…

Alaska: Want to join us?

Shangela: Well, i am out of paint to huff…

Shangela: You know what? Halleloo i do!!

–And so everyone gathered around for this most festive of holidays, rejoicing and eating those mini sausage rolls that taste better cold. Roxxxy’s bingo game went well, the old folks had a place to stay, Jinkx was sobbing into the tablecloth, and most importantly, Alaska had found out the true meaning of Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all reading this, and i hope you go to Lidl for your shopping this festive season. Halleloo.–