#ive just got absolutely nothing. and it feels so shitty

[ratatatastic]

ngl its absolutely crazy how much winning a cup has rewritten history and the narrative™ because hearing "theres nothing negative you can say about being a florida panther" NOW. KEY WORD ON NOW. Because this absolutely was not the fucking case even since the franchises inception like even this year yall were making fun of our attendance numbers despite them being one of the best theyve ever been LIKE HUH. WHAT DID WE FORGET THE WHOLE SOFLO IS NOT A HOCKEY MARKET WE SHOULD MOVE THIS FRANCHISE. WE'RE BEGGING PEOPLE TO FILL THE LOWER BOWL. OH I FEEL BAD FOR SASHA AND EKKY FOR BEING DOOMED TO A FRANCHISE. THIS PLACE IS AN EMBARRASMENT. ETC. are we forgetting all that. are we just not going to acknowledge that.

[marklikely]

the results of that "is fanfic a book" poll have shown me one thing and its that this site never graduated past that absolutely insufferable phase in 2013 where everyone acted like every book is the single most sacred thing on earth

[lockandkeyhyena]

you know what im done being the bigger person i hope the cunt that made that flimsy ass callout post on me eats shit. you caused so many mental spirals go fuck yourself

[vaugarde]

just realized its been a year since we’ve seen my shitty uncles family and almost a year since we’ve totally cut them off :D

[juneberrie]

CON FLORES (TE LLEVASTE MI TRISTEZA) .𖥔 ݁ ˖ pavitr prabhakar

fem ! hispanic ! reader angst -> fluff 0.8k words — a/n: pav is so cute i love him<3 also shout out to ivy for helping with the one (1) line of hindi !!! love u ives

you had been having a shitty day, to say the least.

first, your alarm hadn't gone off, causing you to only have 15 minutes to get ready. buttoning your shirt up, you searched the room looking for your bag, seeing it unpacked in the corner. just great. after shoving your notebooks into the bag and zipping it up halfway, you slipped on your uniform skirt and hastily laced your shoes before taking a final cursory glance at the mirror.

there was a tear in the blue fabric of your skirt. small enough that it wasn't really an issue, but big enough that it was noticeable. deciding to fix it when you got home, you rushed down the stairs and passed by the kitchen, grabbing your lunch bag as you hustled through your house.

"chao, mami! te veo mas tarde!" (bye, mom! i'll see you later) you called over your shoulder. your mother rolled her eyes at your hurriedness and waved you off with a smile.

then, as you made your way to the bus stop, some idiot bumped into you, causing you to nearly topple over.

"watch where you're going, cabron!" (bastard) you shouted.

you sighed and got on the crowded bus. you spotted your friend sitting way in the back, but the only empty seat was right in the front, behind the driver. frowning, you shrugged at her and slid into the seat. pulling your headphones on, you scrolled through your playlist till you found a song you liked, and rested your forehead on the window, watching the city go by.

the bus all of a sudden stopped, lurching forward. the doors hissed open and the driver called out the school stop. you and about ten other people got up and started pushing towards the door. finally getting out of the stifling bus, you shoved your way through the crowd and entered the school.

a few hours later, at lunch, you spotted your friends all sitting at a table together. there weren't any free seats. your heart felt heavy as you sat down at an empty table across the lunch room. unfortunately, your friends were directly in your line of sight. even over the loud din of the lunchroom, you could hear them laughing and gossiping as they ate their lunches. sighing, you opened your lunch bag to see . . . nothing. there was absolutely nothing in your lunch. at first, you thought your mom had just forgotten to pack you something, but you distinctly remembered the bag being heavy with food when you left the house. then, you remembered the person that bumping into you on your way to the bus.

you dropped your head into your hands and squeezed your eyes shut. que dia tan mal, (what a bad day) you thought. your stomach grumbled, complaining about the lack of delicious food it was promised.

the rest of the day passed in a blur. a horrible, messed up blur. you had failed a your algebra test, you had nearly failed your science project, you had sat alone at lunch, and you had gone basically the whole day being ignored by everyone. it was like you were invisible.

once you get home, your mom asks, "que tal tu dia?" (how was your day?) you just shrug in response and stomp up the stairs to your room. shutting the door, you slid down till you hit the floor and you bring your knees into your chest. resting your head between them, you felt hot tears pricking at your eyes. squeezing your eyes, you feel a few of them escape and drop down onto the floor.

all of a sudden, a knock interrupts the sobs racking through your body. you raise your head and turn it towards the door, but the knock comes again, from the window.

wiping your tears away, you go and open the blinds, seeing pavitr standing on the tiny ledge outside. he was holding a colorful bouquet of flowers in his hand and was gripping onto the window sill with the other. he smiles, but then seeing your tearstained face, it turns into a pout.

you unlatch the window and raise it up, watching him climb into your room. he gently places the flowers on your desk and immediately envelopes you in his arms. the tears come back, flowing freely now.

"oh, my angel," he whispers. he presses a kiss to your head and holds you tighter. "what's wrong?"

through sobs, you explain the horrid day you'd had. pav nods and frowns. leading you over to your bed, he wraps his arms around you again. "i'm sorry, my love."

shrugging, you pull away for a moment to wipe a few tears off your face. pav lowers your hands and then places his own on your face, wiping under your eyes. his own eyes are looking in yours, filled with love and concern.

"i brought flowers," he whispers. with a small, teary laugh, you smile at your boyfriend.

"i saw. thank you, mi amor." he freezes, as he usually does when you call him anything in spanish.

"of— of course," he stammers. sighing, he pulls you into a kiss. with that kiss, he makes you forget all the shitty things that had happened to you today. he's wrapping you up in love and reminding you that he's there, he cares.

"te amo."

"mein tumse pyar kartha hu." (i love you)

[stateswscarlet]

sp just got with a 3p. ive been manifesting for a year now and now i feel hopeless and like i failed. i feel like ive lied to myself just to comfort myself about our break up. i love sp dearly but idk what to do. he says he loves her. and i saw my other fav loass twitter account just had the same thing happen. it sucks. my heart hurts.

im sorry babe i understand youre hurt and thats 100% valid. take as long as you need to feel better and turn to self soothing methods (EFT tapping, breathwork, etc) to ground and calm yourself. when youre feeling not so great theres absolutely zero point forcing manifestation or forcing a state since youre prob not going to fulfill yourself anyways.

secondly, your words “hopeless” and “failure” tell me exactly where youve been focusing for the past “year” youve been “manifesting” (hint: you haven’t been consciously manifesting for a year straight bc you prob spent a good chunk of that figuring things out and learning the ropes, overconsuming and desiring. dont confuse learning the law with applying, you’re telling me for a YEAR straight you would bet everything you have to tell me that you’ve been in the state of being in a fulfilling relationship? i think not). you’ve been focusing on how its not here and how youre gona do the “work” to get them back/in a relationship with you.

even you saying you feel like you lied to yourself to feel better shows exactly what state you’ve been occupying. if you were actually fulfilled and understood that youre not getting back the sp who you arent with in the 3D/the one dating someone else then you wouldn’t be in shambles over a NEUTRAL 3D that means absolutely nothing. thats not your reality because you as god of your imagination already experienced the relationship remember? you ALREADY got back with them, so how can YOU as god of YOUR imagination go back and say “lol nvm actually were not together, hes with a 3p so fuck everything i experienced!” this also shows you haven’t accepted the 3D as is and were hoping and wishing that you “manifesting” would reflect in some near future. hence youve probably been embodying a state that definitely wasnt being someone in a committed relationship. this journey isnt about hope and wishing, its about being and LIVING your life normally. its not lying to yourself if you already came to terms with the current 3D (which we cant change forcefully - we can only change self) and understood that your manifestation IS NOT COMING FROM THE 3D AT ALL, let alone the shitty 3D where you guys broke up or whatever circumstances happened. yes in this specific 3D hes with someone else but why would you care? you already experienced your manifestation with YOUR partner who you already are dating in the reality that truly matters.

you cannot be imagining to solve circumstances. neville got rejected in the 3D for leaving the army yet he didn’t give uo because that rejection didnt mean he failed because he wasn’t imagining to GET OUT (aka youre not imagining to get sp back or remove a 3p), he was imagining to experience being back w his family (youre imagining to experience the relationship of your dreams). obviously if your goal is 3D oriented then yes it will seem like you failed because youre depending on the external to give you something.

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 2

Propaganda why Kirito is insufferable:

He’s Kirito

Absolute nothing of a protagonist. Just plain annoying and unlike most shounens there never seems to be any challenge for him. He's just always the best at everything.

“Yeah, i was a beta tester. Yeah im better than you. This is something that is normal to assume because of the first fact” theres more but that shit is so wild to me it instantly made me hate his ass

Propaganda why Alex Eagleston is insufferable:

literally causes the end of the world by being The Absolute Worst and has done so multiple times including his alternate selves. he technically has three (and a half) love interests (cause theyre the only characters he can/attempt to kiss or express any attraction to) and he treats them all poorly first three vella sammy and essentia 2000 are cause hes a misogynist but they all get different flavors of it sammy gets fridged for the plot of the game and is basically never relevant again outside of a secret(?) ending. shes also based off of a real life dead person for no fucking reason. vella is subjected to weird speculation about her age in her introduction scene with alex saying something along the lines of she cant be older than him cause shes too pretty (alex is like 24 and vella 27 from what i recall its been a few years since ive thought about yiik) and has a weird internal monologue about his feminist ex girlfriend prompted by vella just existing. theres a weird scene when alex asks her if shes korean n says she looks vaguely ethnic making her uncomfortable. One Of His Alternate Selves Literally Caused Her To Leave Her Home Dimension Cause Of How Poorly He Treated Her and the context behind that is that to leave the world/timeline/dimension/whatever you're originally from you basically have to be super suicidal and he pushed her to that point by ghosting her for a while and next time vella saw him he was hooking up with a girl noticably younger than her (<- remember this) and immediately after being told this he can attempt to kiss her which has no actual repercussions. essentia 2000 is like technically supposed to be evil i guess but her goal is supposed to be killing alex so i cant fault her on that. the in game day after they first meet alex has like a monologue about how special and attractive she is ""she was like water filling all my cracks"" or some shit. all three girls are alternates of eachother and are on a sliding scale of how objectified they are by alex with who got it the worst depending on which aspect you're focusing on. other sort of love interest is rory (diversity loss!) who alex can attempt to kiss after he confides in him about something when rory is like 18-19 (hes meant to be about the same age as michael whos recently graduated high school) and depending on how alex treats him can literally kill himself and alex's reaction to learning this is to only focus on how terrible he feels before moving on n rory's death never being mentioned again. the whole point of the game is that alex is a piece of shit who cant even buy groceries for his mom without throwing a hissy fit about it but it undermines itself constantly by having characters forgive or just stop being mad at alex on a dime after hes been exceedingly shitty towards them in various ways and any sort of charm or endearing traits he had quickly wearing off due to him never shutting the fuck up. near the end of the game all the other party members are killed off in quick succession leaving alex by himself and all he can do is sulk in self pity before going on a space adventure or whatever to stop an alternate him thats linked to an alternate essentia and enlisting the player as a different alternate him to help fight various superficial flaws of himself (which arent even like the actual things that make him insufferable n a bad person) n then finish the job for him. i need to punt him into the sun

He constantly goes on annoying monologues about things that nobody cares about. In game he is meant to be kind of an asshole, but they never give him the necessary character development to make him feel like a proper flawed protagonist, yet the narrative makes him out to be a character who is ""deep down a good guy"". Also he doesn't seem to care about any of his friends/party members.

"""YIIK"" is a poorly written, irony-poisoned RPG using a real life actual unsolved murder as the basis for an inciting event, altered so that what happened to the victim was some ~scary supernatural stuff~ and also Alex was there being vaguely misogynistic the whole time and monologuing to no-one in a way no real human person thinks uncritically.

The game intends to paint Alex as a bad person, but this is implemented in such a snide and uninteresting manner which has nothing to actually say about him being this way, nor is it at all fun or entertaining to experience.

He has no idea what's going on, blindly following the plot with the vague motivation of being suddenly stricken with affection for a girl he basically called a freak as soon as he met her five minutes ago. He is self-absorbed, lazy and overconfident, constantly bemoaning and ignoring the needs and feelings of others. He is the only character given enough breathing space to have something to him, and yet manages to not even feel any sort of dimensional.

Also his shirt is an ad for the dev's last game.

An incel who always screams about everything and yet is overly pretentious about everything.ing manner which has nothing to actually say about him being this way, nor is it at all fun or entertaining to experience.

[many-gay-magpies]

1, 3, 20, 25 for the dbd ask game!!

ahh thank you anon!! these questions are so delightful to answer <3 (adding a readmore because i once again yapped like a madman. i implore my non-dbd followers to scroll down to the answer to the last question, which is me saying why i would recommend the show, because really i would recommend it to everyone all the time. forever)

1. Who is your favourite character?

I think Charles has pretty completely solidified himself as my favorite by this point, but Crystal is a close second.

Idk, with Charles, it's just like. not surprising at all, cuz I have a pattern of adoring characters with physically abusive dads and emotional repression issues, which is a bill he definitely fits. but also he's just so. sweet and silly and he has the prettiest smile known to man and the biggest brownest eyes on this earth. And he's SO INCREDIBLY PROTECTIVE and so devoted to the people he loves, and he tries to be so good because nothing was ever good enough for his dad, and he probably bases his worth on his ability to protect and defend his loved ones because if he can't protect them then what is he even good for? he's the brawns not the brain, build for taking the hits (because that's all he could do for his dad), and he's so so kind and loving, but also so angry, and I just love him so much.

Then Crystal is just... SO interesting and such a good character and thinking about her past makes me want to cry. She was born to parents who probably never should have been parents in the first place, who spoiled her with money and material objects but never gave her their attention, so she rebelled and started acting out because why would they care? theyve never cared about anything else she's done (but maybe, feeling their dissapointment when she did something bad was as close as she ever got to feeling loved). she was mean and cruel and manipulated people for laughs, but when all her memories of her life before were wiped away and she wound up in a situation with people who actually cared about her, she got BETTER. she had a shit childhood and was a shitty person because of it but she's also so kind and feels everything so, so deeply and I just adore her man.

3. A character you think is underrated/ underappreciated.

mannnnn i'd be inclined to say crystal but ive actually seen so so many posts talking about the exact same things i was just saying and touting their love for her in all her messed-up complicated teenage girl glory, so. crystal is nowhere near as under-appreciated as she could be and its a fucking BLESSING.

otherwise i'd say maybe tragic mick? he's so cool man. he's a walrus stuck on land looking like a man. he has an absolutely killer magic shop. is he immortal? idk but that magic shop is old as hell and he has the sense of having hung around a while. i think it would be fun if sedna cursed him to stay human but made him immortal while she was at it. he tried to stop esther from making the machine that drains ghosts, and yet all esther's torture couldn't have happened the way it did without him, because everything she had she bought from his store. where did he get all that stuff? does he buy from collectors? did he travel the world accumulating stuff to try and find a way to turn back into a walrus and realize it would make a killer business? he has untapped relationship potential if youre the shippy sort, like with the cat king and also kashi, which i am going to make a post about as soon as i finish this ask because ive just had a fucking EPIPHANY. tragic mick rocks

20. Which characters style do you like the best?

i think probably crystal and niko, with charles coming in after them. crystal feels closest to my own personal style, all artsy and thrown together and kind of thrifty-looking, and i respect it very much and also think we could swap clothes (or like, i could donate her my clothes, and if she had baggy jackets they might fit me. girlie is short as hell). then niko's style is more, like, organized and thought-out than mine, but i absolutely ADORE her bright colors and fully-coordinated makeup and hairstyles and accessories and god she is just goals. then of course charles is wonderfully underground 80's punk and i adore it.

25. Why do you recommend the show?

god why WOULDNT i recommend the show? i think literally my only gripe is how short it is, but that's the fault of modern streaming culture. literally everything else about it i can think of is fucking amazing, no notes.

in a more general surface-level sense, it is wonderfully campy and fun and just SUCH a great spooky, adventurous watch! but then it fucking battering rams you in the chest with excellent character dynamics and complex characterization and soul-grabbing devotion and character development. it has some of the best and most complex female characters i've seen on television—women that are allowed to mess up and do bad things but still be fundamentally GOOD characters—and some of the most heart-capturing friendships/relationships ive ever had the pleasure of witnessing, of course with charles and edwin first and foremost, but also with edwin and niko, edwin and crystal, charles and crystal, jenny and niko and crystal, just fucking ALL OF THEM. there's so much fucking LOVE in these eight episodes, clearly woven into every scene and snatch of dialogue.

it also has one of my favorite villains ever in the form of esther, just. full unapologetic morally irreprehensible evil badass of all time. yeah she feeds kids to her giant snake to stay young and beautiful, its honestly NBD. she is the most wonderful evil hot terrible villain of all time and i love her, and i love how EVERYONE ELSE loves her. also her downfall was so fucking satisfying and perfect and i adored it, really just peak justice being served in the wickedest way possible.

ive said this before but dead boy detectives has the sense of having some of the most REALISTIC characters and dialogue ive ever seen, with the way they speak and react to things and such, without having the like. "haha we're so REALISTIC and GRIM and GRITTY and DARK, look at how realistic we are. humanity sucks and no one is good and everything is ironic because nothing really matters" tone of some tv these days. it feels like real complex people got shoved into a fun campy supernatural universe and it's fucking EVERYTHING.

if anyone reading this has not seen the show, i say please please do watch it—not just to get us more views for hope of the cancellation being retracted or anything, i dont honestly have that much hope of it succeeding. but ill say watch it anyway, because its just so wholly amazingly GOOD and i think everyone deserves to see it—if it gets renewed, or if it NEVER does and this one season is all we get of it. its still just such a fucking fantastic work of cinema, and the ending is hopeful enough to feel like a satisfying closing point even without a second season to wrap up the more ongoing plotpoints.

[justcallmesolll]

My silly little top tens

yeen rambles #10

stealing this idea from the wonderful @whitestorm4prez bc originality is dead!!!!!!!!!!

anyways ive only read the first arc but most of the major shit was spoiled for me on the internet.

#10 Thrushpelt. i love him!! he's such a nice guy. i feel really bad for him for his one-sided love of Bluestar. she missed out frfr. but even when Bluestar makes it super clear she doesnt like him, does he hold a grudge? no. does he resent her? no. what does he do? become her friend instead. amazing man.

#9 Darkstripe. i think he's both the most hilarious and fucking balling my eyes out sad villain ever at the same time. dude just got fucked over most of his life. i mean i find him sily because every time he tries something, it fails horribly. but at the same time, he's got fucking no-one. he's alone. no friends, nothing. the one guy he trusted with his life turns out to not even care about him at all. i mean seeing him scramble to revive what little there is left of tigerstars plan, seeing everyone leave him, him realising that nobody was truly on his side. his last moments preaching for a dead man who never cared for him. his life being over like that. he never did anything meaningful, and he died like that. im gonna write more abt this a some point but yea!!

#8 Tallstar. his character arc is one of the most heartwarming things ever. yes, he was a shitty leader, but do ya know what? he grew as a person. he changed and made himself better. i also think him and Jake r cute and i LOVE the headcannon that he thought fireheart was jake coming to save him and his clan.

#7 Bluestar. RIGHT OK. i know i say i hate her but by god how can i not like her at the same time???? i mean all her life was just horrible shit. and she stuck through it. i know she was a real bitch coming towards the end of her life, but she stayed, stone faced and understanding to most cats around her. tigerclaw was just the straw that broke the camel's back. but most of her life she was so awesome.

#6 Cloudtail. i think hes such a silly guy!!! he's a big hot-headed atheist!!! silly guy. him and brightheart are so cute together. and yea thats it literally hes just silly thats why i like him

#5 Longtail. I LOVE HIM SM OMGGG the fan service he gets is so good. but the most important thing is his character arc. from being a bully, but all round loyal cat, to desprately trying to prove his loyalty to firestar by any means possible. longtail thinks that firestar sees him as disloyal, but firestar proves him wrong, asking him to come on the journey with him the relationship between them is so nice to see.

#4 Greystripe. what a guy. hes amazing. he puts up with firheart way more than he should have to. i mean fire is a straight up dick to him alot of the time and he sticks with him like a loyal friend. i love him hehehe

#3 Ashfur. if u cant tell already, i like villains. i like Ashfur alot actually. cant help feeling bad for him. mans had a rough time. grew up without a mother, was practically ignored by his mentor, when he finally found someone who gave him a little attention who does undeniably treat him like her mate, she just turns around and goes "yeah no lol i was just w u to make brambleclaw jealous lmao." he was plunked right on his head and left alone with no-one to care about him. the only person who slightly cared about him was his sister, and she was too caught up in her own shit to help. its the sticky feeling you have knowing that if he were just cared for right, he could have turned out just fine. instead, he was neglected and left to become what he did.

#2 Hawkfrost. i love the fan service hawk gets honestly. im a huge fan of the artwork he gets. hes cool. i like the idea of him feeling the need to prove himself to his father. but yea hes just cool thats why i like him tbh.

#1 to absolutely no-ones surprise, my #1 fave warriors character, is SOL. hes so silly. but no fr, hes the funniest fucking villain ever. he sucks ass at being a fucking warrior and he comes accross the clans and is just like "yea yk what im gonna fuck with em." he literally gaslight gatekeep girlbosses all 4 of the clans and he actually gets away with it. i also just like his whole asthetic, and THE FUCKING FAN SERICE HE GETS???? HOLY SHIT ITS SO COOL. i swear you cant make Sol fanart look bad bc hes just so fuckin cool. silly little guy!!

[the-stray-storyteller]

you asked for a shitty poem istg this is the only poem ive ever written HEY COME BACK *grabs you and pulls you back* NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT ALL YOUR NEW STUFF AND SHARE SOME OF YOURS >:(

also literally you don't have to feel pressured to answer this take your time like honestly you don't even have to reply I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEW WIP SACRIFICE!1?1?11??1

AAAAAAAAAAAAA! HI!

*offers you tea*

I sent you an ask a few days ago but my tumblr is acting funny so I don't think you got it. Anyways.....

The poem omigod. It's wow! Is it the complexities of human emotion that we hide with beauty. Or is it about romanticizing the dangerous and falling in love with it. The juxtaposition. The rhythm. The contrast. Holy fucking wow. ITS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. ITS SO GOOD. *frothing mouth*

Also you new pfp is so cooot. eeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Okay now to answer your questions. New stuff, nothing much there. I have been writing Rebel and Havenpoint (I should really post the next chapter) really slowly. Writing more chem notes than stories.

Rebel is a part of a series. I still haven't decided if it is going to be a duology or a trilogy. But there will be another book if I have the energy and will to write it.

And I have been concentrating on making two comic strips for my college scholarship. I finished the first one, one more to go.

Long rant below. Like really fucking long. Not joking.

Sacrifice is a placeholder name for my WIP. I haven't decided what its actual name will be. I am really hoping I don't abandon this WIP.

Like I did with Masque, Woven Worlds, Orphic Academy, Timekeepers, Card Thief, Games of the Astute, Mortal Bound, The Playground, After the afterlife (dumb name), Stolen by Silence, etc.

So Sacrifice is an Indian Dark Academia novel.

25 of the best magic users from all over India will be invited to attend a prestigious and mythical academy after they finish 12th grade. So they take this mysterious train ride to another fucking realm where the school is (nobody knows its exact location cause they all faint in the train). Also the academy's architecture will be based off on Indian architecture throughout the ages, so I am currently researching on that when I get time.

The students have a year to conduct a study in the academy. They will have access to all sorts of ancient scriptures and previous alumni's studies. At the end of the year the Dean will see what they worked on. If the dean is impressed by you project they will tell you the secret of life and death magic. The Dean is never impressed. If they fail to impress the Dean they go home with absolutely nothing and they would forget the place.

However, the people who went back home with nothing went mad after a while and killed themselves. Their minds are not able to process the magical place they had just been to. Being at the academy also manages to mess with the minds of a person. It drives them a bit crazy. Some people have suicided there or have killed somebody else. The students don't know this.

Spoilers after this point.

So a group of six students join together and decide to help each other with their projects so they can get the secret. One of the group finds out about the whole madness thing and tells the others about it.

Now each of the six students has a hamartia (tragic flaw). From jealousy to manipulative. This is actually a small experiment from my side because the main characters are not good people, so I am gonna try and make them likable. Its going to be so hard.

Anyways desperate and power hungry the group decides to find the secret themselves and steal the academy's resources and escape before the end of the year.

The others fearful of dying/going mad start to push the limits of their magic. They experiment with things that they are not supposed to experiment with. 

With every experiment their hamartia takes over. They start going mad. They become a fucking cult. They start to sacrifice the other students to ancient gods (in true ancient fashion) and become more powerful. Once all the students are gone they start killing each other and the last one left ends up destroying the academy along with themself trying to become the most powerful being.

*sobbing* I talk too much.

[imtherainbownow]

I think I need help mentally

I’m warning everyone now, this is a post that will contain dark themes (mostly related to eating and mental issues), if you are sensitive to the topics, I advise you don’t read.

To keep things simple; My life is shit. Mentally at least.

Physically and externally my life couldn’t be more perfect. I have supporting parents. I go to a Great School. I have friends. I’ve got talents that can take me places. Ive got everything lined up for my success.

but mentally I am a disaster. Ive got such bad trauma from authority figures. Im scared to even defy my fucking teachers. Im scared of my aunt because she makes me feel so shitty. My aunt will pop up a lot in this because I see her as the main source of a shit ton of my issues

I cannot read or hear the word scu*c*de without having flashbacks. Even as I type this I’m trying not to hear her damn voice. Just screaming that word at me every time. It’s so loud..

My aunt judges me constantly for the littlest things. Like forgetting to pick up trash, forgetting to say thank you, not remembering if it’s my turn to empty the dishwasher, etc. She’s the main reason why I’ve contemplated going completely mute because she hates it when I talk and makes sure I know.

Recently she’s been nit-picking my eating habits. For almost two years I’ve been struggling to remember to eat at all because my adhd meds reduce my appetite so I just don’t eat lunch. Unfortunately it’s bled into other meals like breakfast and dinner.

Even remembering to eat is an accomplishment for me. In the current moment I don’t care if it’s healthy, I care that I remembered to put food in my body.

About a week ago she grumbled about me not eating “real” food and that I’m the reason we don’t have good snacks in our house. I’m about to cry as I type this. I doubt she thought I could hear her because I had headphones in, but nothing playing. I absolutely heard her.

I’ve told my mother so many times that I want her to move out but my mother won’t do shit. My mother’s been making my eating habits worse cause she won’t let me leave the house without eating at least something, but it’s only been discouraging me from eating. Nowadays even the thought of eating feels slightly sickening. Especially if I’m eating in front of my aunt.

I want nothing to do with her. But she lives with me and I can’t evict her. I’m so sick of this. My anxiety and adhd already make my daily life hard enough during school. And now I’m struggling to even fathom the thought of food because of my aunt. She’s made my life worse and she won’t accept that she can be a problem too. She only ever sees the flaws in me and my twin. Never in herself. I want to fight back but I’m so scared that she’ll yell at me again. That she’ll force me to sit back on the couch and yell in my face. I don’t want to relive that. I don’t know what to do anymore..

I just want help.. and I can’t get it. I don’t want to tell my therapist because he wont believe me. He’s already made it clear I can’t talk to him about my problems with speaking after a sensory overload or panic attack because It’s so exhausting to force myself to talk in a place I don’t feel safe. I don’t think it would be safe to be able to tell him about my problems with eating either. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I have no support that I feel comfortable telling about this. Im scared.. scared of my aunt. Scared of what she’ll do if she finds out how much I hate her. My life looks perfect but I am a mess. And I don’t have the power to fix it. If anyone has any advice, any at all, I would be so grateful. I just want help. That’s all really..

[scarlet-moonlight]

HEARTSTEEL members (+Alune) and the Overwatch characters I think they would main/What type of player they are (I need to cope with the shitty games Ive been getting recently and I’m doing it by combining my two biggest hyperfixiations at the moment), semi serious and not serious at the same time lol, a lot of these are based on my own personal experiences playing this game (Especially Kayn)

(Also I’m using the black/bold for Ksante because tumblr doesn’t have yellow and purple for Alune because while I think pink suits her, Kayn already has it and no member uses purple)

Ezreal

-Kiriko and Moira main. Only picks the female characters because they have the cutest skins. Never actually healing you, and if he is, its only so that he can get ult and then solo DPS the entire team even though it never works out. Still 1v5’ing the enemy team even without his ult because he thinks it can look good on his tiktok montages (Yes he’s one of THOSE TikTok Moira’s) Went absolutely ballistic over the LE SSERAFIM skins and only spams their emote all game

Kayn

-Junkrat main, loves doing that cool thing that Junk players do where they jump into a group of enemies and ults RIGHT in the middle of them. Loves playing payload maps on defense cause he can spam the attackers spawn gate with mines and traps as soon as the game starts (That little shit) Very toxic in voice chat, will take his time to tbag every player he kills so it can look good on the kill cams, spams the “its snowing” voiceline everywhere (Overwatch players, you know what I’m talking about) will absolutely flame his supports for not healing them when HES THE ONE JUMPING INTO THE ENEMY TEAM IN THE FIRST PLACE (And yet only plays quick play/arcade modes because competitive players scare him lol)

Sett

-Ana main because she reminds him of his mama Unlike Ezreal, he actually knows how to heal his team. Occasionally finds himself tossing a nade at nothing accidentally or even worse, pressing Q out of panic and nano boosting the Lucio or smth. Got flamed by his teammates (*ahem* Kayn) and still feels really bad about it. Almost always caught in a 1v1 against the Widow or Ashe he thinks he can win (He does not) Never actually uses his scope and just shoots at people randomly to heal them, cause he’s too lazy to practice his aim.

K’Sante

-Zarya main, fits his vibe for some reason. He actually knows how to defend his team. Started off as a casual player, (isn’t that much of a video game person in general,) but liked how everyone else had fun on this game and wanted to do better for their sake. Got surprisingly good at it too. Very smart with his bubble and grav placements. The only one who actually plays the game normally, I swear.

Yone

-An old man who does not have time for video games, only plays because Ezreal and Kayn roped him into it and he couldn’t say no. Super basic, only playing Soldier 76 because that was the first character given to him by the tutorial and he’s too lazy to practice anyone else. Pretty good with his aim and left click but just…does not do anything else besides that. Does not sprint to try and chase people, does not use his Helix Rockets, does not use his biotic field, just..stands there spamming left click cause thats all he knows how to do.

Aphelios

-Casual support enjoyer by day, tryhard Genji and Hanzo main by night. Does the most INSANE Dragonblades with Genji, nano boost or not. Flanking entire back lanes with just his dash alone, deflecting ults like no tomorrow. Knows every map, every shortcut, every health pack location, its TERRIFYING. Even more so when he’s playing Hanzo, WILL one shot you from the most bullshit corners you didn’t even know existed WILL two tap you with storm arrow (Sometimes just one) and WILL somehow get at least a 3k from an extremely well placed Dragonstorm. Its insane. (Also he plays Kiriko as a support but with the way he kills people with her, you think he was playing a sniper. Ezreal could only dream to be like him)

Alune

-Mei main. Also just out of vibe. Almost always spending money on her favorite skins and emotes for her (Sprinkles is her personal favorite) Also a casual player. Really good at sniping with her secondary fire though, so watch out. Ults are also super satisfying. Knows the best places to throw them to at least freeze the entire team for its duration. Ice Walls are always perfectly timed to protect you from ults, including several RIP-Tires from Kayn (Much to his rage and anger) Has some scary combos with her ult and Genji blade from Phel.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

It's late saturday afternoon. I'm laying on my couch reading and my phone rings. I see the E in the colored circle before anything else and my body lights up like a Christmas tree.

"Hey!" I say softly

Without missing a beat he replies "What are you wearing?"

"Want me to lie to you? cause it's nothing exciting"

He laughs his adorable breathy laugh.

"No, that's ok. Do you have plans tonight?"

"Want to see for yourself, huh?"

"Maybe"

"Well, right now my plans include reading this book and eating leftover meatloaf over my sink for dinner later"

That laugh again, but louder.

"Man, that sounds exciting. But I have a better idea"

"Whatcha got for me?

"Dinner and then whatever" the whatever makes my body twitch.

Especially since I have been seeing Evan for a few weeks and we've been taking things slow. We kiss and hold hands. Cuddle up to each other. But, that's as far as our intimacy has gone. In the beginning he told me he really likes me, but feels like he still needs a little space to clear his mind. I told him absolutely, because I really liked him too. I was worried he wouldn't be serious about taking things further but, so far he has been consistent about wanting to hang out. I'm patient with him, but impatient on the inside. I would never say that to him.

He's very kind to everyone, respectful and sweet. He has a perverted sense of humor, but so do I and I love it about him. I don't offend easily and his jokes are not overly aggressive. We make each other laugh. We have deep, meaningful conversations and also lighter ones. He listens to me and retains the important things. It feels good. I do the same when I can. He smiles a lot around me. I hope it's because he feels comfortable and happy. But, he doesn't open up to me much. Which is something I don't want to push.

He picks me up and takes me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I tried to protest and tell him I don't expect fancy. He says that's why I want to take you there. We get back to my house and I invite him in.

We sit down and turn the TV on. He puts his arm around me and I lean into him. We both sigh and I say "man, this feels good". He agrees. I tell him he smells good. He said I smell wonderful and he's been wanting to tell me that all night. I ask him why he didn't? He looks at me and shrugs.

Evan...

What? He says softly

You don't have to be afraid to tell me how you feel. I mean , I know you have been a little here and there. But...

It's hard for me. Vulnerability is not something I deal well with.

Can I do anything to ease your anxieties? Because my goal here is for you to feel safe with me. And that you can talk to me. I know you're trying. I'm not trying to push you.

I know. I want to.

Listen, what's the reason we haven't been..together yet? I don't see you being shy about sex. Taking it slow is fine. But, I feel like there's more to it than that.

He kisses me softly. He says he's just in his own head about things. I don't want to disappoint you. In the past ive been berated for things I have no control over. Made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

Like what? I take his hand. He's reliving something.

One time I drank too much and couldn't get it up. I'm not usually...fast but if I was it would be the end of the world.

Well, I have dealt with all that before and have never gotten shitty about it. I think thats the cruelest thing you can do is make someone feel like shit in an intimate setting. I brush his adorable curls out of his face. I kiss his forehead. Twice.

I care about you. I want to be close to you. I want to feel the weight of your body on mine.....

He kisses me fast and hard. Its urgent and needy. I touch his face. He's caressing my arms. He pulls away and looks me right in the eyes. I... He doesn't know what to say.

Wanna go upstairs? I ask. Only if you want to. I say.

The look he's giving me. Sweet, but eager. He nods yes.

I stand up and put my hand out. "Come with me honey. It's ok"

He stands up and takes my hand. I lead him up the stairs to my room. It feels like eternity before we are standing next to my bed.

To be continued......

*anon getting us emotionally invested*

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[autumnbrambleagain]

as much as i love qud there's no feeling... gggggreater than dying in one round to something and even on roleplay mode looking at your last checkpoint and it's so far away you might as WELL start over

but oh my god. oh my god do you know how many times ive done the opening 3 hours of a qud run.

the first 3 hours of a qud run are the most boring hours of a qud run and the sultans and the factions and the cool things you've found all run together across a dozen runs and when you finally get a run you stick with it turns out it was the most boring of all the runs you've had, no interesting sultans no weird relics you found it was just the one where you played conservatively enough and did the knicknack-->six day stilt-->bey lah free level circuit and you emerge from your fugue state in a viable run and have to go

well shit what villages exist what factions exist are there any interesting sultans oh nevermind i got one shot again

i remember when i banned myself from playing roguelikes, tbh. when you're having a shitty time, getting a surprise "haha, the last hour didn't happen" can really fuck up your night

from a game design perspective, it's why i always prefer punishing loss in a way that creates more story or applies in-game penalties. reloading to 5 minutes ago means you're essentially immortal anyway. dying permanently means... well, that just punishes the player. undoing an hour of gameplay just punishes me, actually me, in real life. it means the progress i was making and the plans i was making were for nothing, the digital Stuff i got was for nothing, and, i'll be honest, the first few hours of qud are so samey it isn't like i have unique, memorable experiences to take from it either. it just voids out time of my actual life.

i mean. sure, if i lose please come over and smash my hands and cut off one of my legs to really teach me a lesson, kinda hot ngl. but like. sorta weird.

but it's a very strange kind of bdsm where you make a mistake in a game and your electric dommymommy goes "i'm going to make you do ALL of that all over again. i hope you like killing 50 snapjaws with a stick >:3"

kenshi, and the timely escape mod for morrowind, really do loss WELL. in kenshi, loss is a twist, an unexpected turn in your story that will give you new motivations or challenges or opportunities. loss isn't game over, it redirects the entire flow of the game and the characters' story and it can be tragic and it can be motivational, it's great.

in the timely escape mod in morrowind, dying loses you stats, and with ther ight leveling mods that can be absolutely brutal as a penalty, so it encourages safe play but doesn't reduce it to either of the extremes. it's customizable so you can set it to a level you find punishing but not "well this character's dead"

anyway time to go run to the six day stilt and then go save bey lah and then run back to joppa in a cosmic multi-thread god-entity fugue state of dimension bleeding splicing timelines together until i come to in a frantic haze and realize this run is for real and oh god what reality am i in who are these people whose blood is this on me this time what am i even holding

that is how the brambled fae experiences reality in the proselytize fanfic don't worry it's VERY sane i promise no worries

[kaijuconfessions]

people are gonna get offended by this and i get it, we all know how shit works i dont have to explain that i get it to justify myself or whatever, but sometimes i see videos or vlogs r whatever of people who moved and dont have much or who got kicked out and only have like their car and whats in it and i get a little jealous. like i know its shitty to think that way but i have shit parents and had a shit childhood and ive been struggling so bad with my mental health for the past decade or so and i never got to have teen years or hang out or move out on my own or learn to take care of myself. ive had no control over my life whatsoever and noone is interested in letting me have control myself or teaching me how to have control myself to the point where i just wanna get a big van, fill it with whatever i can fit, and move to another city. the only things stopping me is i dont have a license, i dont have any support net outside of my parents and my doctor and my support contact, and i cant ask for help or talk to other people unless im at my absolute breaking point because of my shit family and shit school and shit trauma. like i know and i get it and i know i probs shouldnt feel like that but i have no control over my life and i just wanna start over and try to make something for myself i feel is worth the effort because rn nothing is. theres nothing for me, im stuck in a place i dont wanna be with just the bare minimum of options to keep me going through the days and im lonely as shit and i have no reason to get up in the mornings. i jut wanna start over and move somewhere else and see if theres a future for me there cus rn right here theres nothing. ill literally be stuck at home for weeks on end with nothing to do and noone to talk to. like i know and i get it and its awful but sometimes i wish that was me so i wouldnt have to deal with this crap.

When I was younger I wanted to be homeless soooo bad