#ive just been laying in bed crying for about 5 hours now

[swampy-milk]

Spoilers for Signalis

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FUCK

[thedisablednaturalist]

My parents found out about the present I bought myself for my birthday. I worked my max hours to afford it. I had it shipped to my bfs house so they wouldn't see it. Apparently I missed a receipt that was hidden in the box. Idk how they got it anyway cause I put the box out with the trash/recycling. My mom was being so cruel about it and how I keep buying myself "lavish" gifts (most stuff I buy for fun is like $10-$50 max). I always plan my purchases and have never missed a credit card payment. Most of my money goes towards doctors visits, medication, car maintenance and gas, accessibility items/ergonomic stuff, cat food and litter, and hygiene. Recently I stopped most of my subscriptions save for a cheap minecraft server. The bulk of my pay goes into savings which have really grown since I got my raise. I also give my parents $400 in rent each month. I'm trying to save up for a recliner to replace my bed but I don't want to use the money I've already put away.

Like ok, maybe I'm not mr.frugal. maybe i sometimes buy more expensive things because they're more convenient (like already cut vegetables/fruit or preprepared meals) but like my hands fucking hurt and sometimes I don't have the spoons to feed myself. Maybe I fall prey to impulse purchases once in a while. Im learning and I'm trying to learn how to budget bc now I have to also pay for insurance until I can get on medicaid.

My mom acts like I don't care. She sees amazon packages come for me and think theyre all toys or expensive skincare or junk when its actually body wipes for when I cant shower/so i dont come back from the field to the office all stinky. Its a trash can I can keep on my bedshelf so I dont throw trash onto the floor instead. Its knee braces because my knees fucking suck. Once in a while Ill see something on sale that ive been wanting for a while and will grab it. And the most expensive skincare I use is $20 for a jar that lasts me 3 months. I have to keep my skin clear or ill pick and have scabs and blood all over my face again. I spend money on drag because it MAKES me money. Last time I got paid $100 from the venue and $50 in tips. One time I got paid $300 from the venue (i dont remember how much in tips).

Im trying my best. Im working with 3 government agencies rn to get a job and get health coverage. Im working my ass off at my job when i probably shouldnt be working (my mom laughed when I mentioned this). I'm constantly doing things to earn me money or to make life a bit less painful. Even streaming is a desperate attempt to make a career/side gig out of something I enjoy and doesn't make me flare up. I only watch shows when im with my bf or when im doing chores or working. I rarely play video games. When I flare I lay in bed and scroll Tumblr or play a mindless dress up game where I only have to move my thumb. I cry almost everyday. I cry on the way to work. I cry holding my cat in so much pain i cant move.

The only big frivilous purchases I've made is the present and a new graphics card (I haven't replaced my old one in a decade). The present cost $230 and the graphics card cost $800. Both of these I saved for. I might buy a nice skirt once in a while but thats pretty much it. I also spread out big purchases over time when I can.

Am I spoiled? Maybe. Maybe my parents are right and I'm a lazy spoiled kid who just makes excuses. But my pain is real, constant, and severe.

I have friends who's birthday presents consist of trips to fucking italy or the bahamas. Who complain when their parents drag them on yet another international vacation. Some are amazing people who are grateful and work their asses off. And some of them are a bit entitled. My mom said most 26 year olds are living on their own with jobs and I fucking laughed. The only 26 year olds with their own apartments especially in my area either have 5 roommates in a 2 bedroom shithole, got lucky and have a high paying tech job, their parents pulled strings to get them hired, or their parents are paying partly or fully for their apartment.

And when i tried to find an apartment? She discouraged me and told me id never be able to afford one (correct) but now im suddenly able to when it suits her argument? Ive been heavily job hunting for over a year and got ONE interview who ghosted me after two interviews. I make $2k MAX. Rent in my area is $1700-2500 for a freaking studio. The $1700 one doesn't let you see the apartment and gets snapped up immediately. And these are all apartments within a 2 hour radius. All the "affordable housing" is for people 55 and older.

Like I literally have no options. I can't move until I get a job in that area. I can't leave the country cause Im disabled and also thats fucking expensive. My bf makes less than me and even combined we couldn't afford a place.

Literally, I've never been suicidal before. Ive never struggled with that due to my fear of death. But all of this? Ive recently had suicidal thoughts and its fucking scary. Thoughts that killing myself would make it easier for everyone else. That it would be easier to just end it, that life will always be a living hell and i should just give up. And thats fucking scary! I shouldn't have those thoughts! But that's how bad it is.

I try to do what my therapist told me. I try to set boundaries. But setting a boundary means not eating dinner bc I leave when my parents yell at me. I try to think positively and ignore the pain. I probably walk an average of 1-2 miles a day. I try and try and try and it hurts so much. They can't be proud of me? For even big victories? Guilting me about graduation cause I took too long. Keeping a job for more than a year (its not a REAL job cause its hourly and doesnt have benefits).

Like what's the point? I've been fighting and fighting and most of the world wants to see me dead and gone anyway. I'm trying to work in a field that doesn't even consider people like me. If I cant work Ill just bring my boyfriend and my family down. Every step forward I manage to take I get dragged back 10.

Im so tired and ashamed and stressed and my fucking body hurts worse now because of the stress and i just dont want to wake up tomorrow.

[anxiousunicorn1124]

This isn't the end.

12/3/23 It was a Sunday.. some of the details are fuzzy on what happened earlier in the day. I was officially 10 weeks pregnant. I was still spotting a little with some cramping pain that would come every so often but man was it painful. Some time in the late afternoon/early evening I was out with my boyfriend and my mother. We went to cvs, Walmart ,Wendys and was still having pains.

We got home and I was ok for the most part. I was watching a Netflix show called Sex Education and ate my Wendys. At this point, the pain was becoming excruciating. It was like painful ass period cramps but amplified. I had to do breathing exercises to try to calm myself through the pain. I was crying on and off . After some time of going through hell, I decided I was going to try a hot bath. I let my boyfriend know while he was playing Call of Duty.

I got the water running and I go to use the bathroom before getting into the tub when I noticed I was bleeding pretty heavy. Heavier than I previously was and knew to be concerned. As soon as I realized what I was looking at, I started freaking the hell out and crying hysterically. I got myself cleaned up and situated and walked into the living room to tell my boyfriend something I really didn't want to do. I had to go to the hospital. My biggest fear was probably happening to me right now.. a miscarriage.. am I ok? is my baby ok? am I losing my baby? the panic was high.

I felt so sick to my stomach. I grabbed a garbage can and bag to bring with me as I felt like I was going to throw up at anytime. My boyfriend was so worried and stressed. I could see it all over his face. Driving very fast trying to get to emergency at RGH. At this point, the pains I was experiencing were coming in waves. Early in the day ,it was like once or twice an hour to now being 2-5 minutes apart. Later on I found out that miscarriage pains are similar to labor pains. It took about an hour or so before we got called back to get me on a bed.

I was beyond happy to have a bed, laying down was amazeballs. My man has been amazing through it all, all while trying to calm himself and be supportive. Before I laid down, I did go use the restroom. When I did, I noticed something in the toilet and I knew it wasn't a blood clot :(. My gut feeling told me that it was my baby. I didn't lose it just yet cause it wasn't officially confirmed by a doctor, but I was worried. My anxiety was still high as shit because as soon as I got semi- comfy , I threw up my dinner (thank god I brought my garbage can) smh.

I don't remember if I had the IV put in, blood work and urine sample taken before or after I threw up, but I do recall soon after being hooked up to an IV, they finally took me for an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was so awkward. Not the ultrasound itself but the room, the tech.. he barely talked to me, didn't tell me anything about what he saw( might be part of job that they aren't supposed to but not knowing was killing me).. it was just eerily silent. I was worrying, cramping in pain and trying not to freak out. I was starting to grip the bed rail and can feel my fingers getting numb/tingly which happens sometimes in high anxiety. I was so ready to go home.

We get back to the spot my bed was in the hallway and wait for what felt a million hours for a doc to come and tell me what's up. I was texting two of my friends through it all which helped some. Eventually they stopped by and wanted to do a pelvic exam. I forgot for why but at that point ,no one had said anything to me about whether or not I was still pregnant . Once the doc finished the exam, I came right out and asked.. am I still pregnant?

That's when it felt like my world exploded.

My pregnancy was no longer viable. I had miscarried. During the ultrasound there was nothing to see so I feel like I was right when I said I saw something in the toilet. It was me passing my baby:( </3

I lost it as soon as I walked back over to my boyfriend. Our hearts broke that night. so very much. once we got home, I was met outside by my brothers who gave us hugs and condolences. I wasnt expecting that and will be eternally grateful to them for being supportive. the next day I had to go to the ob just to really confirm what we already knew and yup. I lost our little nugget.

the first week was so rough for me . I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to cook, clean ..pretty much anything. I was either napping, crying or watching tv. I learned that greys anatomy is not a good comfort show after having a miscarriage. so many pregnant patients, either dying, baby dying, a miscarriage, abortions, or the good- birth, happiness, love, joy.. it was just too much.

I started back on my anxiety and depression meds. I was journaling my feelings and thoughts. I also started seeing a therapist. I already was prior to miscarriage but it helped that I could schedule a sooner appointment. I was doing all the right work I needed to help myself get through this. I know it sounds like im only focusing on me but I was definitely worried about how my boyfriend was handling it all. he stressed clean the first day after and we definitely smoked. over time it got easier everyday.. I still have moments where I cry and feel the loss. seeing reminders, or peoples pregnancy or birth announcements. im being as positive as can be. I started going to the gym again( been slacking the past two weeks but we aren't gonna talk about that haha), lost 4 lbs so far and working on trying again. Ive accepted that what happened isn't my fault. im heartbroken and still grieving but im also happy im alive and will try again. Only thing im really dreading right now is when the due date would have been and when it passes by this year. ugh.

I am sorry this was so long . If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read what I felt and experienced. I haven't publicly announced that I had a miscarriage. sometimes people on Facebook will ask or say something in regards to the pregnancy. I usually just send them a private message. it hurts having to be asked about it a lot. im also not ready to directly announcement so I figured I would come here where I was already posting updates. its also somewhere I feel safe to let it all out. Anyone who decides to read it, will read it and those who don't, don't and im okay with that. Before this ends up into a book or something, imma end it here !

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[celestialpotat0]

Rest in peace, dear Aunt Helene

If i had to describe today in only one word, the word would be brutal.

this past week ive been a mess... i had a doctor appt scheduled on my day off, i was sitting in the waiting room crying mainly about my aunt, then when i went in to see the physician i told myself i was going to hold the tears in. they did an ekg on me, i was relieved that i was allowed to just lay there instead of converse, because it gave me an excuse to close my eyes and tell myself to not to cry. when the md came in and asked me about me being upset because staff members had witnessed me crying in the waiting room, at first i told her it was nothing, i was ok. but she pressed on, and the tears came spilling out. it was embarrassing, i felt pathetic for being emotionally weak.

that night, i tried sleeping but i lay awake in bed for most of the night, stressing about my aunt. and i ended up getting only 1 hr of sleep before i had to wake up for work. the next night i couldnt sleep for a long time again.

i flew home saturday, spent most of saturday and sunday in the hospital with my aunt.

today, i held onto her hand and caressed it, standing by her side during her final moments. it was heart-wrenching to monitor her HR, SpO2, and RR when we removed life support, i.e., extubated. at first she was super tachycardic and super tachypneic... for the next three hours she continued to breathe on her own. her vitals were all over the place. body fighting to survive. watched her become super bradycardic, SpO2 drop and drop and drop, eventually she took her last breath, asystole, HR 0, RR 0.

i believe she was able to peacefully and comfortably go. yes, the body is under stress so the vitals and numbers look alarming af. but i think she wasn't in pain or discomfort. and this is what she wouldve wanted rather than prolonging her life in a way that she didn't want. i described her final hours purely just to say that death in general is so brutal, which is to say that life is so damn precious.

i'm going to miss her. it's so sad that she had the infections. so many memories. she worked so hard throughout her life, was a strong mother, experienced difficult times. i cant believe i wont be able to see her smile again. it hurts. how irreversible death is. but this shit happened and the only way to move forward and heal is for me to become a better person bc of this. Life is short and I'm going to hold my loved ones closer and try to treat them better. This gave me a different perspective where a lot of my previous complaints are so trivial now, and why am i complaining when im alive and not fighting to stay alive. i also just care so little now about things that i used to waste my time on, like social media and clickbait articles.

I also lost my Uncle Eddie and Aunt Helene's husband recently. I hadnt seen either of them since before covid. I wanted to write about those two different events too but i just never got a chance to due to time constraints.

thank you to my friends who moved around times to hang out with me yesterday and today due to me having to be in the hospital. thank you to all the health care workers working on their weekend. to the compassionate angels that are nurses. thank you to people (including my PCP) who listened to me and supported me.

leaving on a trip today and will not have wifi or phone service for this week. part of me is anxious about the fact that my emails will pile up impossibly high and i wont be able to respond to people who email me. but what this experience with Aunt Helene has taught me is that there are certain things that truly matter, and getting anxious about work is just a waste of this precious life ive been gifted.

ive also been nodding off repeatedly throughout writing this so this post very well might not make sense. i have to be up in about 5 hrs and am extremely exhausted from barely sleeping this past week. but i really had to write in here before i went to sleep.

[jeonfiles]

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the  Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite,  however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go. 

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?” 

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat. 

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget. 

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You  [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing. 

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

So far what has been the worst thing about being pregnant?

oh so much, so equally.

sciatica, making it so i physically cannot walk without excruciating pain, but only at night when i need to get out of bed to piss. (thankfully i am not a type who needs to piss all the time. yet.)

acid reflux, a constant cold burn in my throat unfazed by tums but is ignorable if im constantly drinking something. so my stomach is always full of liquid, which makes the acid worse, so i have to keep drinking so i dont feel it.

i am So Fucking Hungry. “have less food more often! smaller, more frequent meals!” they say. “because your stomach will get smaller as baby grows!” i dont fucking think so babe. yes i can handle it. yes i know baby is growing rapidly and needs the nutrients and thats why my stomach is constantly growling. baby wants the entire meal, and baby wants another in two hours. pay up or perish. (by perish i mean my stomach will growl so loud you go deaf)

speaking of deaf, the sinus pressure has closed up one of my ears. it’ll go away after birth but the other ear has pulsatile tinnitus that i need surgery for because the sinus pressure and increased blood supply pushed my eardrum back, and i need a replacement prosthetic of some bone in my ear that isnt doing its job.

speaking of sinuses, there’s so much fucking blood in my body that sinus pressure causes nosebleeds, a common pregnancy issue. however, because of allergies i already had prior, my sinuses keep all the blood clotting up inside my sinuses. and because of acid reflux, i’m constantly spitting, so it never has time to settle and properly bleed. instead i cough, snort, and spit up 5-8 BLOOD CLOTS. FROM MY SINUSES. per day. some darker and heavier, most smaller and less dense. i am constantly creating suction pressure in my throat to dislodge blood clots from my nasopharynx. i am always snorting.

my tits are disgusting. i have lymphedema in the breasts, rather uncommon, and it has been completely mimicing the symptoms of breast cancer without having any lumps or actual tumors to show for it. anywhere. they’re simply an angry warm red, feel like an orange peel, hard as dried playdough, and the consistency of a memory foam mattress.

“yr areolas will darken uwu!”

and thats just what i hate the MOST.

things that just annoy me include:

always feeling both exhausted and like i NEED to clean everything. everything. all the time. im noticing dirt and mess that i’ve never seen before in my life. im rewashing perfectly clean items because im not the one who washed them initially.

nesting feels itchy. im exhausted midway through organizing the entire bathroom but i Have To keep going. its compulsive. it feels like an actual rat in my brain trying to claw its way out. and i struggle so badly to ignore it because half the shit i want to do cant be done until mid april. and it’s been scratching at me since like january. it kind of hurts.

also i love kicks but the rolls and swishes feel fucking gross, it feels like there’s a goldfish in my stomach just flopping around nastily. it tickles in a gross way.

i have to sleep on a wedge pillow in addition to my C pillow. both help immensely, but im so blocked off from davyn and it makes me sad. i have to tear my little nest apart if i want to cuddle, and then i can’t for very long because he lays down flat, and the aggravates my acid really badly.

horribly vivid dreams. ive never felt more disturbed by my dreams than i have the past few weeks. it feels so real, nothing like a normal weird dream. the concepts are strange but the environment is so convincing. and it’s usually nightmares.

im really forgetful now and its kind of scary. like genuinely scary because it feels like im losing my mind and its bringing up a lot of... gaslighty trauma from when i was a teenager. sometimes my memory is as perfect as usual, sometimes i forget what just came out of my mouth two seconds ago. davyn is really patient when i get scared.

and i have it relatively easy.

i dont have gestational diabetes, which would necessitate an entirely new diet that i KNOW i wouldnt be able to sustain.

i don’t have blood clots, so i dont have to take those awful shots that bruise the injection site so terribly(i took them after my knee surgery, i switched to warfarin because i couldnt stand the shots anymore after only a week).

i dont have cervical insufficiency, which runs in my family and would necessitate a much higher level of care.

i dont have an Rh incompatibility with my baby, which would necessitate a higher level of care but also one of the most painful shots you can get in pregnancy. in the ass cheek.

i didnt have morning sickness AT ALL, just occasional nausea and not even consistently. some people puke multiple times a day and struggle eating anything. for the entire duration.

i don’t have tons of emotional outbursts, i had one breakdown about davyn eating my banana, one about davyn saying “the pillow is my girlfriend now” because i fixated on the word girlfriend, one because i left soda in the freezer and it exploded, and i cry easily over touching youtube videos a little more easily. thats it. 3 breakdowns and a tender heart. over the past 7 months.

i have it quite easy, and most of all im doing this on purpose.

i’ll say it again every time: reproductive choice is a hill i will happily die on. absolutely fucking nobody deserves any of this, least of all people who don’t know its coming and didnt want it anyway.

i wanted this, and im doing it eagerly. i just also hate it and it sucks and im glad it’ll be over soon and i can have my screamy poopy wrinkly baby on the outside where i can actually LOOK at them and HOLD them and know the tangible fruits of my labor. feels like im wading through a sewer to reach some unknown treasure that im praying will still be there when i get to the end.

make sure your birth control timer is set properly. wrap yr meat. stay aware. etc.

[king-finnigan]

5 times Jaskier got sick and 1 time Geralt did

As part of my 500 followers celebration! Masterlist!

CW: being sick, vomiting

***

I.

He sneezes, and Geralt looks at him with narrowed eyes. “Are you getting sick?”

Jaskier scoffs, shakes his head, and continues prodding at the fire. “No.” He sneezes again. “Okay, maybe.”

“Hmm.”

He frowns. “Ooh, now that’s a ‘hmm’ I haven’t heard before. What does it mean?”

Geralt rolls his eyes and looks away, as Jaskier sneezes again. “It means I’m not going to take care of you if you get sick.”

Jaskier sneezes again. “Yeah, I figured that much.” He rubs at his eyes, which are slightly swollen from all the sneezing. “I’ll just firmly tell my body not to get sick, then. That always works.”

“Hmm.” He recognizes that one as a slightly amused ‘hmm’, and he smiles in triumph. Over the past few years, it has become a bit of a personal challenge to make Geralt laugh or smile as much as possible, and, while low on the tier list of ‘how amused is Geralt of Rivia?’, an amused ‘hmm’ is better than nothing. At least it’s better than an unamused ‘hmm’.

Like the one he gets, now, when he suddenly dissolves into a bout of coughing. “It’s fine,” he chokes out when he finally regains his breath. “Not getting sick.”

“We’re stopping at the next inn. You’ll stay there until you get better, and I’ll get some contracts.”

He wants to whine, tell Geralt he’s fine and he’s coming along with these contracts, but when he starts coughing again, he can’t help but admit that the Witcher is right. Though, when Geralt leaves him behind at the inn the next day, he finds himself wishing Geralt would stay.

 II.

He’s performing ‘Toss a Coin’ when he sneezes. The audience laughs, and he plays it off as a joke, making fun of himself, so the audience won’t, before he continues with his song. After he’s done, he graciously accepts his payment and a pint of ale, before he saunters over to the corner of the tavern, sitting down opposite Geralt.

“You sneezed,” is the first thing the Witcher says to him.

“Hello, Jaskier, what a lovely performance, Jaskier, thank you for paying for our dinner tonight, Jaskier,” he says in a mock-gruff voice. He sighs, rolls his eyes. “Really, Geralt, we talked about your conversational skills.”

“You sneezed.”

He dramatically lifts his hands. “So what? People sneeze all the time! It’s dusty in here, Witcher.”

“Your voice is rough.”

“Yes, that’s what you get for performing for three hours straight. You’re welcome, by the way.” He plonks his full coin pouch on the table, gesturing at it, eyebrows in his hairline.

“You’re snotty.”

“Well, now you’re just being downright insulting, Geralt. After all these years of me traveling by your side, and you have the audacity-“

“Jaskier. I can tell you’re getting sick.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

“It’s fine.”

Geralt looks at him, blinking slowly, almost lazily. His expression is almost bored, but Jaskier can tell from the little muscle that’s pulling at his lips, that the Witcher is getting annoyed. “Hmm.” Now that’s an ‘I don’t believe you for shit but I’m tired of arguing’-hmm, he can tell.

“Alright, maybe it’s not fine.” He points at Geralt. “But don’t you dare leave me at an inn again, like last time.”

“Why not?”

Cause it hurt my feelings, and I would love for you to take care of me when I’m sick. “I don’t want to miss out on any contracts and potential inspiration.”

“Hmm.” An ‘I can tell you’re lying’-hmm.

He simply changes the subject, for now, and hopes he doesn’t get sick in the next couple of days. He thanks all his lucky stars when he doesn’t.

 III.

He tries to keep quiet as he leans one hand against the tree, the other on his stomach as he retches, emptying the contents of his stomach in the leaves. He must’ve eaten something bad, or caught a stomach bug. He decides it doesn’t really matter, though, as another wave of nausea rolls over him. He gags again, trying to not make any sound.

Of course, it doesn’t work, and he soon hears Geralt’s voice behind him. “Jaskier.”

He closes his eyes, trying to keep down the bile that rises in his throat. “I’m fine.” The clipped and strained sound of his voice begs to differ.

“Hmm.” A ‘not even Roach would believe that’-hmm. Then: “Are you done?”

He holds up a finger, chokes down one last gag, before he stands up straight, wiping his mouth with a handkerchief. “I’m fine, let’s go.”

He turns around to find Geralt frowning at him, confused. “No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“No. We’re not going anywhere but back to camp.”

He sighs. “I��m fine! We can go to the next town, don’t worry about it.”

“Hmm.” He narrows his eyes. Once again a ‘hmm’ he can’t identify. Strange. “Come on, Jaskier.”

He sighs, but follows Geralt back to camp, laying down on his bedroll when the Witcher motions at it. He does have to admit, laying down makes him feel a lot better, and pretty soon he finds himself dozing off to the rhythmic sound of Geralt sharpening his blades.

When he wakes in the morning, the Witcher gives him a piece of… some sort of root. “Ginger,” the Witcher explains roughly. “Helps.”

Jaskier shrugs and eats it. It doesn’t taste entirely pleasant, but it does make him feel better, and by midday, he’s ready to set out on the road again.

 IV.

“You’re limping.”

Jaskier rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not.”

“Hmm.” Another ‘I don’t believe you’-hmm. “What’s wrong with your leg?”

Jaskier stops walking when he no longer hears Roach’s hooves on the dusty path behind him, and he turns around. “Nothing! It’s really fine, there’s nothing going on. I appreciate you worrying, though, it’s very endearing.”

“Jaskier.”

He sighs, then shrugs. “Okay, maybe I got a cut on my leg last week that healed badly. So what? I assure you I’m perfectly fine, Witcher.” He starts stammering when Geralt dismounts Roach, stalking towards him. “A- and there is absolutely no reason for you to walk towards me, in- in a vaguely threatening manner- Geralt!”

He lets out an angry huff when the Witcher bends down, yanking the leg of his breeches up. “Hmm.” An ‘I’m very angry right now, but not at you’-hmm. “It’s infected.”

He shrugs again, pointedly looking everywhere but the reddened skin that surrounds the cut. “It’s fine. Nothing to worry about, r-really, and-“

He scrunches his face in confusion when Geralt lays a hand against his forehead. “You’ve got a fever. Get on Roach.”

“Geralt, as much as I have longed for you to say those three words for the past ten years, I assure you I’m perfectly fine.”

“Get. On. Roach.”

He holds his hands up in defeat. “Alright, alright! Melitele’s tits, Geralt, if I’d known you’d kick up such a fuss over a simple flesh wound, I would’ve been more careful.”

“Hmm. You should be.”

He sighs, rolls his eyes, as he climbs on Roach. Geralt climbs on the horse behind him, and Jaskier tries to fight the furious blush that starts spreading across his cheeks at the feeling of Geralt’s chest against his back. They set out to the nearest town, where the Witcher gets a room at the inn and drags him to the herbalist for something against the infection.

The ointment the old lady gives them works wonders, and within two days, the infection has cleared.

 V.

It’s hard to breathe. Harder to move. Opening his eyes for more than two seconds isn’t even an option, anymore, and every time he does manage to pry his eyelids apart, the world is swimming around him, making bile rise in his throat. He’s hot. No- he’s cold. But now he’s hot again, and he’s sweating, but he’s also shivering, and good gods, what did he do to deserve this?

He sighs when he feels something cold and wet and rough against his forehead, seeping away some of the heat. He doesn’t know whether the droplet that slides down the side of his head is sweat or water, but he decides it doesn’t matter when a bout of coughing wracks through his body.

He’s tired, he’s so bloody tired, but he can’t fall asleep when the temperature keeps changing from hot to cold to hot again, when his lungs keep constricting in his chest pathetically, making him cough and wheeze, desperate for any gulp of air he manages to suck in. The shivering becomes uncontrollable, unbearable, even though he’s sweating, still. He finally manages to pry open his eyes, finding the room around him blurry and dark. He looks around, desperate for anything recognizable, anything that doesn’t give him the feeling that he’s floating in a vast ocean of his own goddamn sweat. Finally, he finds something silver, to his right.

“Geralt,” he manages to croak out, desperately gasping for breath soon afterwards.

“I’m here.” He could cry at that familiar voice, and he might actually be, when he feels another droplet slide down the side of his head.

“I feel like shit.”

“Hmm.” And amused ‘hmm’. But slightly worried as well. “Go to sleep, Jaskier.”

“It hurts.” It does. Everything hurts. His muscles hurt, his lungs hurt, his head hurts, his eyes hurt. It fucking hurts.

Someone wipes his sweaty hair away from his forehead, knuckles trailing down his cheek lightly, and he figures someone else must be in the room because Geralt would never be this gentle with him. It’s already a bloody miracle he’s still here, really. “I know, Jaskier. I know. Try to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“Will you be there? When I wake up?”

“Hmm.” That’s a ‘yes’-hmm.

He sighs, his lungs aching. “Good. Cause I don’t want to wake up at all if you’re not there.” His eyes drift closed again, and he finds himself slipping into unconsciousness.

---

When he wakes up, he finds Geralt next to the bed, stuffed into an entirely too small chair, asleep. No way the position he’s in is comfortable – his neck craned at an awkward angle, his back barely supported by the hard wood. But he’s there, just as he had promised to Jaskier.

The bard smiles, and reaches out, pushing at Geralt’s knee. The Witcher wakes, amber eyes widening when he sees Jaskier. He immediately bends forward, laying his hand against Jaskier’s forehead, eyes studying his face. “How are you feeling?”

“A bit better.” He smiles. “You’re here.”

“I told you I would be.”

He laughs softly, eyes drifting closed again, sleep pulling at him limbs. “That, you did.” He shivers, the heat of the fever no longer keeping him warm. “Geralt, I’m cold.”

“There are no more blankets.”

He pouts, reaches out, eyes still closed. “You’re warm.”

He hears a long-suffering sigh, then the creaking of the chair. Footsteps across the room. He feels the dip of the bed behind him, feels strong arms closing around him, and he sighs in content, before frowning. “Won’t you get sick?”

“Witchers don’t get sick.”

“Okay,” he whispers, before falling asleep in Geralt’s arms.

---

By the time they finally leave the inn, several days later, neither of them has mentioned what happened, and Jaskier doubts either of them will.

 + I

He doesn’t think much of it when Geralt coughs a few times. He does find it strange when it happens more and more in the next few days. He grows suspicious when a fine sheen of sweat appears on the Witcher’s forehead, even if he says he’s fine and tells Jaskier to stop fussing over him like that, he’s just hot, is all. He’s had enough when red spots start to litter Geralt’s skin.

He forces the Witcher to go to an inn, and he’s glad he did, by the time they reach it. Geralt’s hunched over Roach’s neck, sweat dripping from his brow, his skin so spotted with red he almost looks sunburnt. Jaskier barely manages to get him up the stairs, and immediately drops him on the bed, where Geralt lays very still, staring up at the wooden ceiling, breathing heavily.

Jaskier helps him out of his armour, uncovering more and more red spots as he works his way down to Geralt’s boots.

“I’m fine,” Geralt rasps to him. He doesn’t believe it for shit.

“Yeah, no you’re not, Witcher. Looks like you’ve got yourself some measles.”

Geralt scoffs, though it sounds more like two pieces of sandpaper rubbed together. “Witchers don’t get measles.”

Jaskier rolls his eyes, taking a washcloth, wetting it with some water from his waterskin. “Well, you did, so I suggest you change your views on that, Geralt.” He sits down on the side of the bed, gently laying the washcloth over Geralt’s brow, softly pressing it down. “You’re burning up,” he whispers.

“It’s fine.”

He smiles. “Go to sleep, Geralt. Get some rest.”

The Witcher sighs. “Hmm.” A ‘fine, alright, I’ll listen’-hmm. “I’m cold.”

Jaskier laughs softly, climbing over Geralt, laying down on his other side, hugging him to his chest. “Better?”

Geralt shakes his head frantically, weakly pushing at him – the fever’s clearly already taking a toll on him. “You’ll get sick,” he rasps.

“I had the measles as a kid. I’ll be fine, Witcher.”

“Hmm.” A content ‘hmm’. Then, suddenly: “Thank you, Jaskier. I love you.”

Geralt’s breathing evens out, as Jaskier pushes himself up on one elbow, looking down on his Witcher. Geralt is fast asleep, breathing deep and steady, face relaxed from its eternal frown. Jaskier smiles, laying down again, pulling his Witcher closer. “I love you too,” he whispers. Of course, Geralt doesn’t hear him, but he’ll say it again when he wakes up.

He’ll say it a million times if he has to – and he would mean it every time.

[flor3nces]

help me | spencer reid x fem!reader

AHHH OMG i am so in love with this. my heart yall. my heart :(. ugh im so so proud on how this turned out. this is sort of based off season 15 episode 9 “face off.” n e wayssss, i hope you enjoy this because i sure enjoy writing this <3

going alone was a mistake. i knew that the moment i spotted both of our unsubs together. two against one. it wasn’t going to end well. i should’ve called for backup when i had the chance but i didn’t.

“fbi! put your hands where i can see them!” i yelled. they turned around and my heart stopped for a moment. “drop the gun.” marcus was ruthless, he’d shoot a federal agent if he had too, or if he even wanted to.

marcus dropped the gun. “kick it over here. anthony drop the backpack.” he dropped the backpack just as his father kicked over the gun. i needed to pick up the gun and put into my holster before marcus even tried to make a move to get it back.

having to pick up the gun meant i had to let my guard down. i thought over it for a moments but kept a straight face and gun pointed at them. i started to lower my body to the ground but kept looking up every few moments.

it wasn’t until i got to the gun, that i completely let my guard down. i turned my head towards the gun, and that’s when i heard the gun shot. i didn’t have enough time to react as it hit just under my arm.

the gunshot sent me into the air. i landed roughly onto the concrete. marcus and anthony got into the car just a few moments after and sped off. i turned my head as the car rushed past me. my vision started to get filled with black spots but i didn’t let myself close my eyes.

i coughed and a bunch of blood came out. more and more blood gushed out. i was certain that at this point i was laying right in a pile of my own blood. tears welled up in my eyes as i started to cough again. blood covered my entire mouth and spilled over the side of my face.

spencer’s voice rang in my ears but i couldn’t move my arm to even try and let him know that i was shot. “y/n? where are you?” only a few moments passed before his voice came back. “y/n, do you copy?”

i couldn’t do anything. i just laid there, bleeding out in a garage of some building. i’d probably die in here if no one came in here.

footsteps. they were coming closer and closer. i didn’t even try and move my head. “y/n!” spencer. it was spencer. i wasn’t going to die after all. at least not here. “we need an ambulance, y/n’s down!” i heard spencer yell into his mic as he put pressure on my wound. “you’re going to be okay, okay? stay with me, y/n.”

i tried. i really did but my eyes were starting to get heavy and i was getting fairly tired. “no, no. hey, look at me.” i let my eyes find spencer’s face. “that’s it, look at me.” i coughed again and more blood came out. just as i was losing conscious i heard the medics rushing to spencer and i.

“stay with me, y/n.” i heard some woman say as they put me onto the stretcher. they put an oxygen mask over my face and wheeled me into the ambulance. that’s when i blacked out.

SPENCER’S POV

i watched as they wheeled y/n into the ambulance. i felt a hand on my shoulder. “go, we’ll find them.” i turned towards jj and sent her a tight lipped smile before running off to get into the ambulance before they took off.

“is she going to be okay?” my voice was shaky as i spoke. the nurse gave me a small smile. “she’s strong. she’ll make it.” i nodded at her words and held y/n’s hand.

it wasn’t until we got to the hospital when things went wrong. just as they were about to wheel her into a room her heart stopped. not only did her’s stop, but so did mine.

they ripped her shirt open and started to try and get her heart running again. i just stood there, helpless. i watched as the first try in getting her back, didn’t work. her body jolted as the defibrillator came in contact with her skin. “again!”

i watched as her body jolted once again. “she’s back!” i turned my head towards her heart monitor so fast, i could've gotten whiplash. and her heart was back to normal, or at least running again. thank god. i wasn’t going to lose her, at least not today.

“are you her husband?” a nurse i’ve never seen before asked me as i watched them wheel her away. “no, she’s- she’s not married.”

“are you her boyfriend?” i shook my head. “okay, i’ll call you when she’s out of surgery.” i walked to the waiting room they had for federal agents and waited.

the team called and asked to give them updates. penelope called and asked if she was okay, as soon as i answered the phone. “yeah, she’s in surgery right now.” i heard her let out a sigh of relief.

“please, call me as soon as you hear something.” i told her, i’d try and make her one of the first to hear about her condition.

it seemed as if i was waiting for hours. i ended up falling asleep only to be awoken by a smiling nurse telling me that she made it. i jumped out of my seat and asked to see her.

“of course, she’s in a coma right now. but she’ll hopefully be awake soon.” the nurse told me as she lead the way towards her room. i thanked her in a small voice before walking into her room.

as soon as i saw her laying there. with so many iv’s attached to her arm, tears welled up in my eyes. i stood by her, reaching over to push her hair out of her face.

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, y/n. i should’ve realized that you were missing sooner. but i didn’t and because of that you almost died.

i can’t imagine a world without you. and i know how corny this is going to sound but, i would’ve hated myself for the rest of my life if i let you die without telling you how i feel.

truth is, i’ve loved you were since you walked through those doors. which is 6 years, 47 days, 5 minutes, and 39 seconds ago from now. i thought it was just a silly crush at first and i’d get over it but i didn’t.

the moment i realized that i might lose you cause my heart to stop. i’d say world but you’re my world. if they didn’t get your heart beating again, i would’ve lost my world...”

i stopped for a moment to let out a small chuckle. “just, please for the love of god, please wake up. i don’t know what i’d do if i lost you. please.. don’t leave me.” i didn’t even notice that i was crying until a tear landed on her hand.

i wiped it quickly. i pulled up a chair next to her bed and laid my head beside her arm. my eyes shut and i fell asleep rather fast.

i was awoken again by fingers going through my hair. i lifted my head up and turned towards the source. “hi.” y/n’s voice was a bit rough but it still came out as soft as she could make it. “hey. how’re you feeling?”

“well.. despite being shot, i’m okay.”

“that’s not funny. i thought i almost lost you. your heart stopped, you know?”

“i’m sorry, i just don’t want this room to be all sad.”

“no, it’s alright. i’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“hey, it’s okay. i’d be the same if this were to happen to you.”

her hand found mine and she began playing with my fingers. “you know, i was putting up a hella of a fight before i eventually lost?” i looked at her as she spoke. it was as if nothing else in the world matter because i didn’t lose her. i still had her and it wasn’t really the best moment to tell her how i feel but before i could change my mind the world came flying out of my mouth.

“i love you.” silence engulfed the room quickly. “i love you too, spence.” y/n said after a while. “no, not like that. y/n, i’m in love with you and i have been for the past six years.”

i avoided eye contact with her at all cost as i just confessed how i felt towards her for the longest time. “spencer, look at me please.” i slowly looked up and met her eyes.

her pupils were very dilated and i couldn’t believe i didn’t see it sooner. “god, you don’t know how long i’ve wanted to hear those words.” her giggles filled the room and it felt as if my heart would burst from my chest. “i’m in love with you too, spencer.”

a huge smile made its way onto my face. in fact it was so big that it started to hurt. “now, are you just going to sit there smiling like a huge dork or kiss me?” i laughed at her words and leaned in to kiss her,

and i know almost everyone says this and i truly didn’t believe them at all when they said that they felt as if fireworks were going off or that there were butterflies fluttering around in your stomach, when you kissed someone you love. but goddamn, i sure did believe them now.

unfortunately, we had to pull away as our lungs were begging for fresh air. “wow.” i laughed at her expression. “yeah.” she softly kissed my nose and leaned back, smiling up at me with the softest smile i’ve ever seen on her face.

“oh my god! why didn’t you call me?!” i heard penelope yell. y/n turned her head towards her and smiled. “please, don’t yell. my head already hurts enough from these lights.” i watched as garcia gasped. “oh! i am so sorry.”

YOUR POV

“wait! so he confessed his undying love for you?” penelope asked as she had gotten settled in. spencer left to go try and help with the case but called every 20 minutes.

“yes, and then he kissed me. my gosh, can you believe it penny?!” she let out a squeal. “was it magical? did you feel butterflies in your stomach?” i nodded at her words and let put a dreamy sigh.

“we have to tell the others!”

“no. not yet, please. i just want to enjoy for a few days before telling the team.”

“oh sweetheart you know i can’t keep secrets.”

“please, penelope. can you try?”

“of course! you, my gorgeous friend, just got shot. i will do everything in my power to keep quiet.”

“thank you.” just as we were about to watch a movie on garcia’s personal laptop, spencer walked in. “ugh. you have the worst timing ever, boy wonder! we were about to watch a movie but now that you’re here she’s going to have all her attention on you.” penelope whined.

“nice to see you too, garcia.” spence said as he looked at me confused. i shurgged as i knew that she wasn’t about to let him have any of my attention. “watch this moive with us. she’s not cleared to leave until tomorrow so until then i’m going to stay here with her.”

“no, that’s okay. you can go home peneople. i’ll stay here with her.” i watched as she give him the biggest death glare i’ve ever seen her give to someone. “i am staying her with her, you can leave.”

“okay, why don’t you both stay here.” i look at garcia as she nods her head and presses play on her laptop but not before giving spence another death glare. i lean up towards spencer’s ear. “if looks could kill, i’m pretty sure you’d be dead by now.”

“trust me, i know.” we both giggled. i gave him a soft kiss before cuddling up into him and turning my attention towards the movie.

[ground-riot-jack]

doesn’t equal forever | r. tanaka | part 1

bestfriend!tanaka x reader

tanaka has been your bestfriend for years, but you’re determined to confess your feelings this movie night

warnings: angst, a lot of angst, cussing of course, a little bit of fluff.

You and the crazy ball of aggressive energy that you called your bestfriend, Tanaka, have been friends since middle school. You’d been sat next to each other in homeroom so it became natural to ask the other for a pencil or homework answers or to just study together. You’d grown close and decided to both attend Karsuno High School. Your first year you realized you had feelings for Ryu. He was funny, nice and he always made sure you were okay. As the time went on your feelings for Ryu only grew stronger.

The only person who knew about your feelings was your mutual friend Nishinoya. You’re not sure how but he figured it out before you did, teasing you quietly to make a move on the bald crackhead you liked.

You never tried too hard to show Tanaka your feelings for him, sticking to light flirting and usual bestfriend antics. You figured if he liked you, he’s forward enough to tell you. By your second year, you quickly realized Tanaka didn’t have feelings for you, but instead was obsessed with Kiyoko, team manager.

It began as a joke, really it did. Noya, Ryu and you would fangirl over Kiyoko any chance you got as an inside joke about her beauty. Then you slowly backed off as the boys took their job as Kiyokos personal hype man and bodyguards a little more seriously.

Today was like every other day. You were helping Noya and Ryu set up some drills in the gym, talking and gossiping about random things when the gym doors opened quickly, Kiyoko and Yachi jogging in quickly and immediately going to Coach Ukai and Takeda.

“Awe man, It looks like Kiyoko got us that practice match we’ve been looking for. What can’t she do?” Tanaka sighs dreamily while watching his older manager. His task was long forgotten and now laid on you and Noya to complete.

“Oí, have some respect for Kiyoko and yourself. Quit staring” Noya smacks Ryu on the back of his shaved head, who jumps and goes back to his task, while mumbling about a new headache.

“So, do you guys wanna come over and finally watch the season finale of-“

“VAMPIRE DIARIES” The boys shouted in unison.

“Of course y/n, we’ll meet at your place at 8. Ive gotta shower and big sis cooked dinner tonight.” Tanaka replies

“Okay, i’ll grab us some snacks and be ready at 8. if either of you aren’t there before 8:30 I’m starting the show without you.” You send a pointed look at the two boys who weren’t very good at time management.

Once practice ended, you, Noya and Ryu were getting ready to walk out when Tanakas name is called. You all stop and turn and see Kiyoko motioning him over.

“She’s calling me? She wants me!” Tanaka stutters out before sprinting full speed to where she’s standing across the gym.

“whatever, let’s just head home, get a head start in my shower and dinner.” Noya pouts, clearly jealous. You both begin the walk home, living fairly close to each other.

“I think tonight’s the night Noya.” You sigh dreamily.

“The night? Like tonight? Woah y/n, when did you get bold?”

“I just-I really really like him and i’m tired of hiding it. Plus, we’ve been flirting since we were kids. He has to have some kinda feelings for me. And if he doesn’t it’s fine, i’m a big girl and rejection is just apart of life” You huff. You look over and see Noya wiping fake tears from his eyes.

“My baby is all grown up” He fake wails into the air, causing you to shove him to the side. He gasps before jumping on you and tickling you making you beg for mercy. When you beg and his hands finally let up, he lets out a light sigh. “I’m serious y/n, i’m proud of you, plus i think he likes you too, you’ll be so cute together” Noya smiles brightly before hugging you and waving bye before heading down his street, leaving you to yourself.

8pm rolls around and You hear a knock on your front door, before you can move to open it, it flies open revealing Noya standing there in pajamas holding candy.

“Damn, do come in them bitch” You giggle at the energetic boy.

“Ryus not here yet?” Noya says, plopping down on your couch.

“Uh, no. I’ll text the group chat.” You vite your lip and pull out your phone.

“Uh he’s so lucky, Id die if Queen Kiyoko asked me to run an errand for her.” Noya sighs dramatically.

“Even if it was during your bestfriend weekly movie night?” You grumble before standing and moving to the kitchen to bust your mind.

“Don’t be upset pumpkin, Kiyoko is just like a little crush everyone, even you, has so Ryu is doing something for her. He will be here in no time, you can confess your feelings and then we can watch our absolute favorite show.” Noya follows you, smiling brightly at you.

“Yea you’re right, i’m just a little nervous. You wanna watch some youtube till Ryu gets here?” You smile back. You both head into the living room to pass time until your other bestfriend arrives.

At 8:45, you and Noya began getting a little worried. You’d called Ryu but he hasn’t answered. He wasn’t always on time, but he was never this late without contacting one of you. You went ahead and texted Ryu and couple more times just in case he fell asleep after his shower. You sat silently chewing your lip, worried about Ryu when Noyas phone dinged. He tapped the screen to reveal a text from the man of the hour.

Tanaka 🥵✨

on my way!

Noya relayed the message to you and decided to use the bathroom before Tanaka got there so you could go ahead and start the episode. While Noya was gon his phone, left on the coffee table, made another ding. You took a quick look so you could tell Noya when he came back, like you usually do.

Tanaka 🥵✨

also y/n kept blowing up my phone while I was with kiyoko, she almost cock blocked me 😭it was low key annoying

Your chest tightened, your stomach dropped, your heart broke and your breathing sped up. Ryu had never once expressed that you were ever bothering him, to your face atleast. Maybe he always texted Noya about you like this. Your eyes stung with tears that you pushed back. You re read the text until it something else crossed your mind. You’d almost cock blocked him? Does that mean-

You’re interrupted by your front door swinging open to reveal a exasperated Ryu. You stood and ran to the kitchen, claiming you needed more snacks. You heard Noya leaving the bathroom and saying hey to Ryu. Then you heard hushed yelling, but you couldn’t make out the words. You gathered food and took a deep breath before waking back out. You just had to casually ask Ryu about his night with Kiyoko, then you could admit your feelings if the time was right.

You walked in and saw Noya looking at his phone then Ryu and then you. You set the food down and got on your phone to text Noya, letting him know you saw the text. You heard his breath hitch and he looked at you with pity and confusion.

“Where’s my hug y/n?” Ryu smiles brightly, you hugged him but pulled back slightly when you realized he smelled like expensive perfume instead of his usual cologne. He took his jacket off and sat on the couch, and your heart broke more than you thought it could.

There were atleast 5 hickies on Ryus neck, and one peeking out the collar of his shirt, letting you know there were more on his chest. You looked at your lap but saw Noya kick Ryu in the shin.

“wha- oh you guys want an announcement, haha i get it. Yes okay, I slept with Kiyoko. No big deal” Ryu bragged, striking a pose as you held back a fountain of tears.

You tried to open your mouth to share a false congrats but the lump in your throat made it next to impossible to say anything without sobbing. You gripped your sweatpants tighter in an effort to calm yourself. The air in the room grew awkward as everyone sat in silence.

“Y/n? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Ryu asks, at his question you can’t help but let the dam break, sobs racking your body as tears flowed from your face. You could do nothing but cry into your hands.

“I-i, i don’t understand. Are you okay?” Ryu moves closer but you run upstairs and slam your bedroom door shut. You can vaguely hear them talking downstairs but not clearly enough to even tell who’s speaking. Meanwhile, the boys were having a heated discussion.

“You absolute idiot! Why would you do this.” Noya gripped his hair and pulled.

“What the hell is going on?” Ryu pleads.

“I-You- You just had to fuck Kiyoko on movie night? You just messed everything up! Oh and y/n saw your text by the way! Some friend you are” Noya laughs dryly at the taller boy.

“My text...Oh shit! I didn’t mean it like that. I just- I didn’t. Kiyoko asked me to help her with something and I did and then she was flirting with me and then-“

“Y/n IS IN LOVE WITH YOU IDIOT!” Noya shoves Ryu over the couch, causing his to trip and land on his ass. “She loves you more than a friend and she was going to confess tonight, then you stroll in here almost an hour late with hickies all over you and smelling exactly like Kiyoko. You don’t think that hurts y/n, and then on top of that you called her annoying when she was worried about you. So you either need to go up there and say you like her too or you need to apologize and leave because I will not sit here while you play with her feelings.” Noya says now standing over the taller boy.

“I-, I didn’t know she liked me. I-I don’t like her like that. She’s my bestfriend Nishinoya. Of course I love her, but like you love a cousin or something.” Ryu spits out, eyes full of regret.

“Then go upstairs, apologize and let her down gently.” Noya picks Tanaka up by his collar and pushes him towards youre bedroom. Tanakas throat tight hens as he gets closer to your room. He can hear you sobbing from down the hall he’s walked a million times.

He slowly pushes open your door and see you laying in your bed, face pushed into a pillow and sobbing.

“I love him so much, Noya. And stupid gorgeous Kiyoko gets him. She wasn’t even there for everything. She wasn’t there for him like I was!” You scream into your pillow before looking up and seeing Tanaka standing in your doorway. You quickly straighten up and wipe your face while avoiding eye contact with your crush and bestfriend.

“Y/n, i’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have-“

“It’s fine Tanaka, if you like her then you like her” You sigh.

“I didn’t mean to call you annoying. You know you’re my bestfriend and I love you, but not like that. I’m sorry y/n, I can’t be what you’re expecting me to be.” He sits at your desk chair.

“Then why are you here Tanaka? Here you can have all your stuff back-“ You stand, speeding into the anger stage of your grief. You quickly grab jewelry and stuffed animals you’d received from him over the years.

“Stop calling me Tanaka, and I want you to keep the stuff”

“I will continue to call you Tanaka because I clearly don’t know you as well as I thought I did. And you think I want your stuff in my room? You think I wanna roll over and be reminded that you will never feel the same way about me and that fucking Kiyoko was the one to get you in the end? I’m not doing that. You think i want your stupid hoodie that smells exactly like you in my closet? or even on me? So i can be reminded that I can never hold you this close again and that you will never be my Ryu. Is that what you want for me Tanaka? So take your shit and leave, please” You box as much of his things as you can and press the box into his chest.

“Y/n...”

“No Tanaka. It’s okay. Deep down I always knew you didn’t feel the same. The way you look at Kiyoko, I knew you’d never look at me that way. I’m just your friend right, so i have no choice but to support you.” You sniffle and open your bedroom door for Tanaka to walk out of.

“Y/n, can you just wait a second. I’ve barely got a word in,”

“If you’re not going to tell me you love me, then you need to go because honestly dude, it’s hurt so fucking bad just looking at you.” You bite your lip and keep your eyes trained on the floor. You dared to sneak a glance at Ryu but what you saw caused ur heart to clench. His eyes were wide and glossy, his hands were lightly shaking. When he was like this, your normal reaction was to hold him and tell him everything’s gonna be okay, but now you couldn’t. You kept your hands to yourself and you waited as he walked out of your room.

“I’m sorry y/n. I am” He sighs before leaving your house completely.

Authors note: PHEw!!! i actually cried writing this so i’m sorry, i hope you liked it. I love tanaka so much and i love kiyoko but i saw the opportunity and i decided to hurt my own feelings :)))

[artificialqueens]

Drabble Compilation (Trixya, Biadore) - Candy Cane

A/N: a bunch of drabbles ive written over on my side blog @sillylittlecandycane !! im accepting prompts over there if you are interested uwu here’s the list of everything in here: 1.) Trixya, half drag dance challenge 2.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya 3.) Biadore, “If I puke, will you hold my hair back?" 4.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya sequel 5.) Trixya, "You’ve been crying, I can tell." 6.) Biadore, Adore visiting Bianca in Palm Springs

1.) Trixya, half drag dance challenge For a split second there Katya was ecstatic about being Trixie’s partner for this challenge, then she remembered she has a huge fucking crush and is definitely going to wind up making a fool out of herself. Trixie’s clearly excited though, so Katya decides she’ll try to swallow down those feelings, and focus on keeping that smile on Trixie’s face.

Neither of them are really dancers, but Trixie definitely is a country girl, so she’s somewhat more familiar with it than Katya. The older is still nervous, she’s not used to this kind of thing, not by any stretch of the imagination. She’s done choreo before, any given drag queen has, she just hasn’t had to learn it in such a short amount of time before.

After learning what they could with the instructor and are back in the workroom to practice, Trixie turns to Katya and grabs her hands. Katya stares down at them with wide eyes, just now registering she’s been dancing with Trixie.

Cute, sexy, funny fucking Trixie.

“We have so got this,” Trixie says, all the confidence in the world embodied in that tone.

Katya looks into Trixie’s eyes and smiles back, “Okay, yeah. We’ve got this.”

It’s exhilarating to have so much confidence in herself, and then to have some in her partner as well. It’s so different from what she’s used to. They’ve still got work to do to make sure they nail this thing all the way to the core of the earth, it’s just not so terrifying anymore. It feels good, it really does.

2.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya Katya’s at the point where she is seriously regretting being pregnant. At the end of the day, it was her choice, but sometimes she thinks it was a bad one. Everything fucking hurts, she’s constantly hungry, she can’t sleep right anymore, and she is always horny. This is just the worst thing ever.

What doesn’t suck is how sweet and loving Trixie, her fucking wife, has been. Katya doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the fact that Trixie is her wife. It’s so surreal! She’s like the best wife ever. Always getting her whatever she wants or needs, even if it’s 2 am and she’s being absolutely ridiculous, Trixie is there to help her and make the best out of a sucky situation.

Katya cuddles closer to Trixie, listening to the soothing sound of the younger’s heartbeat. She’s going to have a baby with this girl. They’re growing their family and it’s just… it’s perfect.

Trixie gently tugs her fingers through Katy’s messy blonde hair as they watch some stupid Lifetime movie. The domesticity of it all is wonderfully stupid. But it’s still stupid. She feels restless, she’s unable to go out and at least dance, she wants to do something.

“I’m bored,” Katya says, frowning slightly.

Trixie giggles a little, and it’s so fucking cute it hurts, “Okay, what do you wanna do?”

“We should go bungee jumping,” Katya says, keeping a straight face.

“Yeah, and then we’ll eat live bugs,” Trixie replies with an eye roll.

Their eyes meet and they erupt into laughter, holding onto each other and enjoying the moment. Katya sighs, and lays her head back down to Trixie’s chest, frowning.

“I’m seven months preggers, there’s like nothing I can do,” Katya groans.

Trixie combs her fingers through Katya’s hair again, “That’s not true. We can still play like uh, board games? We can go back to thinking of baby names, too. Can’t do any worse than my parents.”

Katya looks up at Trixie, a content smile on her lips. At least Trixie is trying for her, which is so much better than she feels she could’ve ever hoped for. The Russian pushes herself up to kiss her wife deeply.

“Or we could…” Katya mumbles against her, a sly offer.

Trixie giggles again, like music to Katya’s ears, “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

3.) Biadore, "If I puke, will you hold my hair back?"

Adore has drunk herself stupid, or stupid-er, again. She needed a night of insane drinking, and boy did she get it. Everyone is looking at her like she should be at rehab, but she doesn’t fucking care. A broken heart can’t be mended with alcohol, but it can be forgotten, at least for a little while.

She downs another shot, and out of the corner of her eyes she sees Detox and Willam laughing at her, while Bianca looks incredibly exasperated. Adore groans and lays her head against the counter, she feels awful and it definitely isn’t just her broken heart.

“B…” she mumbles, lifting a heavy arm to poke her friend.

Bianca rolls her eyes but looks down at her anyways, “What?”

“I don’ feel so good…” she whines, her words slurred.

“Well that’s what happens when you drink more in three hours than Willam does in one night,” Bianca snaps back, the disapproval in her voice strong.

“I’d be offended but you make a good point,” Willam says, giggling.

Adore huffs and stares at her bright red wig and the way it’s sprawled out in front of her. It’s one of her favorites, but it was also her ex’s favorite… God, she misses him so much it hurts like a bitch. Maybe she should throw out the wig, if it’s going to hurt her so much. It’s still a favorite though, and she refuses to allow that dickhead to take more from her than necessary.

Adore realizes she’s been zoning out, and reaches her hand out for Bianca. Her hand finds Bianca’s, and she squeezes it tightly. Bianca’s eyes meet hers, and Adore is overwhelmed with how wonderful and amazing this person is. Bianca’s is basically the definition of perfect, and Adore knows she’s lucky to even be her friend. Though that doesn’t really stop her from pining after Bianca.

“Bia…” Adore whines again.

“What?” Bianca sighs.

“Can we leave?” she asks, quiet and sad.

Bianca looks down at her, and must take some kind of pity, “Yeah, we can go.”

Ten minutes later they’re climbing into the back of an Uber, and Adore is quick to lay her head down in Bianca’s lap. Bianca rubs the back of her neck, and it feels really good because she’s starting to feel really ill.

Adore moans pathetically, “Yanks…”

“Yeah?” Bianca answers her.

“If I puke will you hold my hair back?”

“Sure, but then I’ll beat you up for puking all over me and this fucking car.”

Adore giggles, feeling slightly better with their usual banter, “Love you, Bia.”

“Love you too,” Bianca smiles softly.

4.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya sequel

For almost a year now, Katya’s life has been totally changed. Deciding to actually go through with physically having a child was big enough, but when she was actually pregnant? Everything changed.

Every decision she made impacted the baby. What she ate, what she wore, what she did… Every little thing impacted not just her anymore, but her child too. And she wouldn’t give it up for anything, because sitting here, holding that child in her arms, she knows it was all worth it.

Sitting here in the hospital bed, Katya is mesmerized by her baby. Her eyes are so startling blue, like Trixie’s, and her smile is so vibrant, like Trixie. Katya thinks her baby will be just like Trixie in so many ways. Katya hopes her daughter gets all her good traits, and none of her bad ones. This child helped to save her from addiction, Katya doesn’t want her to fall into it.  

“What are you thinking about?” Trixie whispers, leaning over her shoulder to look into their baby’s eyes.

“How we still haven’t named her,” Katya says, cupping her pretty face.

Trixie rolls her eyes, “Well, we would’ve had that one figured out by now if-” “Really? In front of the baby?” Katya says, trying to play all serious at first, then bursts into laughter at Trxiei’s surprised expression.

“You bitch,” Trixie laughs, lightly slapping Katya’s shoulder.

“But seriously, the kid needs a name,” Katya frowns, “We can’t keep calling her ‘the baby’ forever.”

“It’s only been a day,” Trixie shrugs, “But you’re right.” “I should give her a really complicated Russian name you can’t pronounce,” Katya teases.

“Do you hate me? Is that it?” Trixie plays along.

Katya kisses her though, and the way Trixie turns bright red gets her all emotional all over again.

“I’ve been in love with you since we met,” Katya reminds her once they break apart.

“We should name her Barbara,” Trixie giggles.

“Nevermind, you’re right, I do hate you.”

Trixie cackles, and the baby starts to fuss in response. Both immediately try to calm her down, and luckily do so with minimal effort.

“Maybe… Cherry?” Trixie suggests.

Katya looks at her, then realizes she;s being serious, “Really? Cherry?”

“We could put down like, Cheryl or something on paper, but Cherry is like red, and sweet, and cute…” Trixie explains, blushing some.

Katya purses her lips, looks down at her baby, and grins widely.

“Cherry suits her.”

5.) Trixya, "You’ve been crying, I can tell." There’s tear tracks down Trixie’s cheeks, her eyes are bright red, and she’s even sniffling. It makes Katy’s heart hurt. She doesn’t like to see Trixie upset, that girl is the last person on this earth who should ever cry.

“Katya-” Trixie says, jerking back when she sees the older, clearly having thought she was alone.

“What happened?” Katya asks, stepping forward instinctively. She wants nothing more than to hug her.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Trixie says, unable to meet Katya’s eyes.

Katya frowns, “You’ve been crying, I can tell.”

Trixie looks shocked, but still persists, “I’m fine.”

“I’m never going to believe that,” Katya says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Trixie finally admits.

“Okay, that I can understand,” Katya says, reaching forward to take Trixie’s hand in her own, “But… that doesn’t mean you have to be alone. We don’t have to talk, but let me be here for you. Please?”

Trixie looks up at Katya’s kind, worried eyes, completely taken aback by how genuine her friend is being. Trixie nods, unable to actually form any words, and is almost instantly wrapped up in a strong hug.

The younger places her head in the crook of Katya’s neck, and starts to cry all over again. She doesn’t feel so empty and alone now, though. She feels like maybe if she just stays in Katya’s arms, listening to her reassurances and absorbing her love, for a little while longer then everything will be okay.

6.) Biadore, Adore visiting Bianca in Palm Springs

The sun is shining brightly, the palm trees surrounding the pool sway in the breeze, and Danny feels more relaxed than they have in many, many months. They’re on their back in the center of the pool, letting themself drift and be one with the water. Usually they prefer to go straight to the source, they are a mermaid after all, but there’s something to be said about getting to be alone in the water with their boyfriend.

There’s no one else around, just the two of them, alone and having sexy, fun, romance together. Said boyfriend pops up out of the water  next to Danny, and peers over them, a smirk on his lips. Danny sits up so they’re not on their back anymore, and presses a little closer to Roy.

“Hi,” Roy chuckles, leaning in close to Danny’s lips.

Danny grins, “Hello yourself.”

Roy laughs, but kisses Danny anyways. The kiss is chaste, but still full of love and joy. Danny wraps their arms around Roy’s neck and goes in for another kiss, this one full and sloppy. Roy pushes Danny forward as they soak each other in, until Roy had Danny pinned to the concrete edge, his large hands spanning across Danny’s, currently tiny, hips.

The younger is bad at the whole self-care thing during work, which is one of the many reasons he’s happy to have them here. Now he has an excuse to get real food into Danny, and help them relax.

The two pull away from each other, breathless and smiling, and it’s perfect. The sun on their skin, the clear water around them, and neither would have it any other way.

“We should go annoy the neighbors with your golf cart this afternoon,” Danny suggests, smiling and close to laughter.

“Yeah,” Roy says, close to laughing himself, “We should.”

[imaginethathaikyuu]

kenma angst part 2 (for lack of a better title)

ok. this is the scenario that ive by far gotten the most requests for. at least 40 different requests for this by now. and after finally writing a good scenario after 2 failed attempts, here it is. ur welcome.

i feel like i have to mention that this was very inspired by the song 12 feet deep by the front bottoms in a very specific way (that ull probably notice if u know/listen to the song) so yeah give it a listen, its a good one

and of course this is a part two, so please read part one first!  gender neutral reader

-

Kenma was sinking. 

It was nearing 4 am. He was laying in his bed, the place he’d quickly determined to be the only good place left in the entire world.

He was drowning. 

He couldn’t stop staring at his phone. At your text messages. At your number. 

As if it was a spur of the moment decision and not something he’d been mulling over for hours, he pressed call. Put the phone on speaker. Wiped the last shred of tears from his face. 

“Hello?” 

But his eyes were filling up again. 

“Kenma?” 

He was sinking and sinking deeper and deeper and you were the one holding him under. 

“What do you want?” 

“To hear your voice,” he choked out, gasping for air that refused to fill his lungs. 

That’s probably the most honest he’d been with you in weeks. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t a good excuse anymore, waking you up at 4 am just to hear your voice. 

But it’d been a week since he last heard you. He thought you’d be able to pull him out of the sinkhole he’d left himself in. 

He was probably better off not calling at all, though. 

“Okay. I’m hanging up now.” 

And then you did.

Kenma had rarely felt this angry at himself. And he’d never felt so pitiful. 

He knew he shouldn’t bother you. That if he wanted to fix things, he had to stop being so damn childish, irresponsible, lazy. He couldn’t just call you like he used to and expect you to laugh it off. He couldn’t pretend that everything was normal. 

He also knew that it wasn’t likely he’d get you back. Even if he explained himself and begged you to understand, words could only do so much. 

Everything seemed to change for Kenma in the last week, more than he was comfortable with. And he wanted to change it back to the way things used to be. He wanted to make you happy again, to see you in his clothes again, to sleep in your bed again. Most of all, he just wanted to have you again. 

While his life has been nothing short of unpredictable, there was one thing Kenma could still rely on. 

“Get up, Kenma!” 

And that’s Kuroo showing up at his dorm and beating down his door at 5:3o every morning. 

Coincidentally, that was the one thing he wanted to change. 

Kuroo had no regard for Kenma’s neighbors, something the boy learned when this routine began a few weeks ago. Morning practice now started at 6 instead of 8 - he had Kuroo to blame for that, as he basically made the new schedule. 

“I’m up,” Kenma said to him after answering the door, making sure not to mention that he hadn’t even been to sleep. 

Kuroo pushed him aside and invited himself in. “Practice in 30.” 

“You don’t have to tell me that.” 

He stumbled to his dresser and put on his tracksuit, struggling to stand on his own two feet. He was completely exhausted thanks to getting no sleep - after calling you, there was no way he was able to rest. 

“C’mon, let’s go, we’re jogging to the gym.”

Kuroo grabbed Kenma by the shoulder and pulled him out of his dorm without waiting for his response. Kenma didn’t really jog, he just walked kind of quickly while Kuroo did all the running. 

“You found my hoodie yet?” 

Kenma took a deep breath. “Yeah.” 

“Dude! Can I have it back already? I swear I’m never letting you steal my clothes again.” 

His fast walking slowed down. Kuroo started jogging backwards so he could face Kenma, feeling concerned about the silence. This didn’t feel like Kenma’s usual quietness. 

“I don’t have it,” he replied simply, hoping to leave it at that. 

“Well it’s in your dorm, right? Just bring it to -”

“No,” Kenma interrupted, “It’s not in my dorm. I don’t have it.” 

Kuroo scoffed. “Where is it then? You just want to keep it, don’t you?” 

Of course Kuroo wouldn’t let him get away without actually explaining himself. 

“Y/N has it.” 

“Oh.” Kuroo cleared his throat in that awkward way a dad would, then he turned back around and Kenma thought that was it.

 Of course it wasn’t. “Sounds like a good excuse to go talk to - ” 

“No.” 

“We’re going to Y/N’s dorm after practice -”

“No.” 

“I’m getting my hoodie back, and you’re getting Y/N back.” 

To that, Kenma didn’t say no.

-

You were visibly taken aback when you opened your door to see your ex boyfriend and his best friend staring back at you. 

“Good morning, Y/N,” Kuroo said, his voice booming through the hall. 

“Hi?” 

Kuroo elbowed Kenma in his side, offering a, “go on,” of encouragement. 

“Uh…” 

He couldn’t look up at you. Just hearing your voice in person was enough to make his heart skip a beat. If he looked at you, he’d probably break down crying and then beg you to take him back. 

He didn’t know why it was so easy for Kuroo to convince him to do this. 

“Remember that hoodie…?” 

You scoffed before disappearing into your dorm for just a moment, reappearing to shove the sweatshirt into Kenma’s chest. 

“Actually, that’s mine,” Kuroo said, taking it from him. “Sorry for the inconvenience. But my mom got me this hoodie. And then Kenma stole it.” 

“I just forgot it was yours,” Kenma said quietly, trying his best to defend himself. 

But it did help you realize why Kenma asked to have it back. You felt kind of silly now knowing that it wasn’t even his. 

Kuroo, ignoring Kema, gave him a strong pat on the back and said, “Is there anything else you want to say to Y/N?” 

Kenma hated this. He hated when Kuroo treated him like a kid. He hated knowing that you were standing right in front of him but he couldn’t hold your hand or play with your hair or even look up at you. He hated that he allowed himself to lose his best friend. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, even though he felt himself slipping, sinking, drowning, just like he had last night. “I’m really, really sorry, for… for making you think that I don’t want you and for keeping things from you and for being late to lunch and for calling you last night -” 

He took a deep breath, one that did nothing to calm him down but forced him to stop rambling to you, which he’s already embarrassed about. 

But he’s here, so he should probably be honest while he can. And he should probably look at you while he still has the chance. 

“I really miss you,” he said. His tears were clouding his vision but he still saw you. You were wearing an old shirt he bought for you in high school and a necklace he’d never seen before and your hair was a mess in his favorite way. You had obviously just woken up - what he wouldn’t give to have woken up next to you this morning could be counted on one hand. 

Kuroo’s loud voice seemed to assault his ears when he said, “I’ll leave you guys to it. You know where to find me, alright?” 

Kenma knew what that meant. What he meant to say is, ‘I’ll be there for you when you get your heart broken.’ 

Kuroo left while cradling his hoodie, and Kenma decided he probably should have just told him to wait outside for him. He didn’t have very high hopes for the rest of this conversation. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, wiping his eyes and looking back down to the ground. “I shouldn’t have done -” 

“I miss you too.” 

You said it so quietly that he almost missed it, but his heart did backflips when you said it. 

“But I don’t miss how you’ve been acting.” 

And then it sank again. 

“I know,” he replied. “It’s just… volleyball and class have both been a lot, and…” 

He didn’t really have an excuse. What he said was true, volleyball has been a lot. The new schedule was getting the best of him, the extra practice wasn’t treating him well. And he was really struggling to stay afloat in his academics. 

He didn’t know if he could be better. He knew that right now, he could make promises he’d probably break and sweet talk his way into getting temporary forgiveness for his own sake. And if he did that, he’d probably hurt you again. 

But if he didn’t at least try to be better for you, he would regret it forever. There was no excuse to just let you go. He was going to try for you, for himself, for the years you two have been together. He couldn’t let that time go to waste. 

He wasn’t going to make excuses or empty promises. 

“I want to try,” he started, standing up straight and doing his best to face you. “I want to try to be better for you, I…” 

“Kenma…” 

“I know,” he said, feeling an extra spark of courage though he had no clue where it was coming from. “I know I don’t deserve it and that this is probably a waste of time but - but I love you and I have to try, please let me try.”

“...Okay, Kenma.” 

“Okay?” 

For the first time in a week he could finally breathe. He could take a breath without feeling weighed down. The pressure on his chest finally lifted. 

“I want to try, too,” you said, albeit sadly. “I miss you. So much.” 

And then you couldn’t help stepping out of the doorway and falling against Kenma’s chest, and he happily pulled you closer to him. It was only then that he realized he was still standing out in the hall, but you were in his arms again and he didn’t care if anyone saw. 

“I’ll get better at managing my time…” he mumbled to you. “I will.” 

Your response was a nod, and Kenma managed a small smile. 

But his exhaustion was setting in. As much as he wanted to stand there forever, he was about to fall over. 

“Y/N?” he whispered. “Can we…”

You were sure he was going to finish that sentence with something disappointing, something that would ruin the moment. Maybe even something uncharacteristically lewd.

“...take a nap?” 

But you were relieved to see Kenma was actually acting like himself. With a soft laugh you said, “Yeah, we can.” And when he got into your room and fell into your bed, he pulled you as close as you could be before melting into your sheets. 

Your bed was definitely the best place in the world, and he wasn’t going to lose it - or you - again. Sleeping next to you felt too good to go without.

[ussjellyfish]

Felix’s birth story

So I never wrote this out after he was born, or last year, and this year, my little gentleman is 2, and it seems like the time to tell it.

So, Felix’s birth story under the cut. (unmedicated vaginal delivery, really almost boring).

Felix’s due date was January 14th, and he was born on January 14th. I went for a walk the night before, and it was cold, really cold (-25C ish), and really beautiful and icy.

After midnight I had contractions, and I don’t think I could have said what a contraction was before I had them, but when I had them, it was obvious. (so that was nice!)

And they didn’t hurt at first, they were kind of consuming and tight and I couldn’t sleep through them. I did try to sleep. I lay there in the dark and listened to Drastic Measures (Star Trek Discovery) on audiobook because I had that on my phone and it didn’t take any effort.

My cats came and slept on me and it was actually kind of nice (but weird, intimidating because at some point it was going to hurt and be more intense and I wasn’t quite ready and when do you actually go to the hospital (I didn’t want to go early and be bored).

My water broke at around 430am, and it was weirdly just like they tell you. A pop kind of and gush, like I’d suddenly peed my pants without feeling like peeing.

I got up, I took off my pajamas, I put towels on my bed and then I couldn’t sleep anymore. I hadn’t bothered to time anything, I hadn’t looked at my phone, and I remember leaning on his crib, dancing around a little because they were pretty tight and wondering if I should use the contraction timer (which I hadn’t even looked at but I did have on my phone).

So I did that for about half an hour and I remember staring at the times thinking “these are too close together, I should wait until they are further apart and then go” They’d said around 5 minutes apart, you could head in.

Mine were three minutes or less apart then, and they lasted almost a minute. They hurt, a little, like my whole belly was tightening up and almost bouncing down? Very weird. Truly a unique experience.

So I woke up my mom after 5 and told her to walk the dog. She was staying with me with her rather annoying dog and my mom’s rather annoying so I wasn’t thrilled. We already had the car seat in the car and I had a bag (which included my star trek robe, always a good choice).

Mom was kind of skeptical, I guess because I wasn’t in that much pain. It did hurt, now, like the worst menstrual cramps I’d ever had and kind of bigger (I suppose my uterus was a lot bigger). It was cold and my mom was complaining about my car (I needed the brakes fixed) and we listened to classical music on the radio because she was grumpy.

It was after 6 when we got to the hospital, and we walked in and I remember in the parking lot was the first contraction I couldn’t walk through. I just stood there because it really hurt and if I was still, it was fine. And then you fill out paperwork and they offered me a wheelchair, which I didn’t want. Then they send me into a room to get checked and I took my clothes off and I was so wet, fluid was leaking and it just keep leaking and I was sweaty and they put a monitor on me and made me sit on the bed

Which sucked. Holding still sucked, sitting sucked and then they did an internal exam which was really uncomfortable and one of the women from my labor class had been sent home because she wasn’t in labor enough, and I was worried, because going home sounded so annoying.

I was at 8 centimeters, so I did not have to go home and the stupid monitor said Felix was fine. (stupid monitor). So we walked to the delivery room, which had purple lights, and I wanted to take a bath SO much and they wouldn’t let me because of the monitor. (my monitor hatred is strong).

My doula came, and she was awesome awesome. I hadn’t met her before and I didn’t get the one I thought I’d have because I was apparently so close they sent the faster one who lived closer. We changed positions a lot and wandered around and I remember basically peeing on the floor because I didn’t have to pee that much and they also weren’t that keen on mme going to the toilet. I don’t know why. They just put towels on the floor and it was fine.

My doctor was a 2nd year resident, and we were his second continuity of care delivery (where he’d been my prenatal too). He’s very sweet and enthusiastic. The teaching doc we got is this very calm Asian woman with small hands and really pretty hair. She came in around 8 because then I could push.

They made me lie down, which was annoying. They were worried about Felix being too big because I had gestational diabetes (mild and a huge point of contention because they just made everything hell).

I had to hold my legs and pushing is just the strangest movement because it’s muscles you usually don’t use. The light was bright over the bed and I did swear a few times, or yell, because it hurt and it was more just...frustrating and exhausting because it hurt and then it would still hurt and I did the right things but he would get closer and then go back.

I remember them wanting me to push with every contraction and there was one where I just took a break. Screw you guys.

I never really felt the bearing down they talk about. I thought I’d hit somewhere when I wanted to push and I didn’t. My hand hurt because the stupid IV was doing something. I had to hold on to my legs and that was annoying.

They decided they needed to do an episiotomy, and I’m still kind of bitter about this because we didn’t try changing positions (my doula did ask I was just not in the position to argue or advocate).

That part is really strange. I didn’t have any fight. I was tired, sure, but I was really agreeable. I’m told this is hormones too.

The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and kind of short, so I’d push him down and it would pull him back up. So they numbed me up (getting the needles in for that hurt) and my teaching doc did the cutting and then I pushed once and he just fell out.

He was just there, and damn, not being pregnant anymore feels really great. Kind of empty, but you’re so bendy-flexible- not under any tension anymore. It’s great.

And the placenta was nothing. It just kind of squelched out. It did look cool.

He had chubby arms and a chubby face and he was totally fine. I held him for a bit, he was not interested in eating, so they weighed him and gave him a hat and a heel poke and they stiched up the episiotomy.

That hurt, and my student doc was doing the stitches and he went outside the anesthetic for a few stitches and damn. I remember saying fuck a few times.  I also got to get up to pee and I had one nurse called Katie who had been there and two more had come in at the end and they didn’t want to let me up, but I stood up just fine.

My nurse Katie said I hadn’t had an epidural and I think that was rather rare because they were surprised I could just walk.

And I was tired, like I’d been running or swimming or climbing, something really full body exhausting, but it didn’t hurt really.

We moved to the other room and Felix and I watched CNN and eventually we worked out how to get the boob in his mouth (more of it than I thought had to go in there).

and it was really boring. My mom stayed and my dad came and...it was still boring. Felix was very cute and cuddly and he wanted boob and snuggles and I remember changing his diapers and holding him (those funny sticky black new baby diapers) and he just wanted to be held all the time, and we atched pointless television because they won’t just let you go home.

I got ibuprofen and paracetemol and pancakes. I had pancakes right after he was born because I was so hungry.

And chocolate pudding and they were terrible pancakes but, I was hungry.

They made me pee in a weird upside down hat thing that went on the toilet a few times and then they left me alone.

It was very alone. I remember holding him in the bath in his blanket because I wanted a bath but I didn’t want him to get lonely and cry so I couldn’t grab him.

I was so sleep deprived and they don’t want you hold him in bed and fall asleep so he went down and back and down and back and I did eventually just give up and hold him and sleep.

He was also a perfect size. We went home the next day, which was too long in the hospital, especially after I got released at 1pm and he didn’t get out until 7pm because he was a little yellow. (he bounced back fine, but was a little yellow at first)

Then we went home, and watched Discovery and the Witcher and Korean zombie dramas and I ate so much chocolate peanut butter pretzels. My Doula came to visit, and we talked and I remember thinking kind of in a shellshocked way that I was really annoyed they made me push on my back and I couldn’t do anything about it.

It’s actually not a good position! It goes against the spine and I had my feet in stirrups and I had a nasty bruise on my hand from my IV (that I also didn’t need, they just ran saline the whole time) and my pinkie finger was all tingly (that took weeks to get back to normal).

And all the “you just had a baby” advice is totally crap if you’re single. Let someone else...do the dishes cook for you do...

No, you do ALL the things and baby, and change diapers in the middle of the night and feed them (constantly, it’s so constant).

And take the kiddo to get his blood checked when it’s -35C outside. (poor little guy, he was fine, didn’t even need the light jacket). And get weighed (he was getting plenty of milk and chubbed up fast).

But newborns have no personality. (in my opinion They don’t even really ‘like’ you. You feed them and you make them comfortable and they sleep, and sleep, and snuggle.

Star Trek got me through a lot those first couple months until he was big enough to know I was there (like actually know me)

[rebellconquerer]

Another random rogue one ficlet in my head. One day I'll write connecting scenes. Blah!

 By the time they come to a stop on Yavin IV ( she is hard pressed to call what happened a ‘landing’) Cassian is all but unconscious. He stops responding to her directly sometime around their third hour in space, and he spends the rest of the trip breathing shallowly while whispering in a language she thinks might be Alderaani, or staring rather blankly around the ship. 

For her part, she doesn't move the entire trip. Cassian seems comfortable enough laying mostly in her lap and she makes the decision that nothing short of her death will make her leave him, not when he didn’t leave her. She wraps her fingers around his wrist, allowing his constant, though thready, pulse to calm her. That is exactly how the medics find them when they are finally, mercifully on the ground. Him laying on her. Her wrapped around him. 

The process of disentangling herself, and getting him onto the stretcher isn’t hard per se, but when she pulls away and they move him, he lets out a short, sharp sound, too quiet to really be called a scream, that breaks her nonetheless. She bats away the helping hands that come to her next, telling them that she is fine. 

It’s true in any case. She has strained a muscle in her right hip that makes it easier to limp than to walk. Apart from that, however, she is tired and sore and feels like one big bruise, but there is nothing deadly about her injuries. Not like Bodhi. Not like Cassian. 

She watches as her crew (her team?) gets carried off the ship and trails close behind them. She’s not sure what to expect when she leaves the ship. The battle overhead on the beach told her that the Alliance did come for them, that they decided to fight, but she isn’t sure how they will react to having their hands forced. 

That Draven is the one to meet her isn’t a surprise. She thinks there will be shouting and recriminations and maybe even a new prison in her future. She tilts her chin up, squaring her shoulders and lets her hardest glare paint her features. She won’t take a lashing for this man’s follies. She won’t go quietly to whatever corner they have prepared for her. She won’t leave Bodhi and Cassian to wake alone.

What she doesn’t expect however, is the quiet devastation that clouds Draven’s face when he sees Cassian being carried on the stretcher. She doesn’t expect him to touch Cassian’s cheek gently. She doesn’t expect his voice to break with what may very well be his last words to his spy.

When the medics brush them off and carry on towards the medward, Draven turns to her, and there it is. The cold fury behind his eyes that she had been expecting. 

“That was a hell of a risk you took. A suicide mission is the term being used.” He says flatly. 

“We did what needed to be done.” She grits out at him. She wants to know, wants to be told what happened after but refuses to ask this man for anything. Even for information. 

They hold each other's eyes a moment too long to be collegiate. “The plans made it off planet. Vader himself took down a command class vessel under  general reedus to get those plans back.*  An entire battalion was lost.” He pauses, seemingly wants to say something else, before he thinks better of it.

“The plans are now with a trusted ally who is being hunted by the Empire. We are attempting to get them somewhere safe. Until we know more, you are dismissed.” He ends curtly, turning sharply on his heel and marching back towards command. 

Jyn stands stock still and allows the quiet of the hallway to leach into her. She glances around. The bright white of the overhead lights wash the colour out of the vaguely orange walls, which seem to run into perpetuity on either side of her. It is hard to miss how empty the place is and how wrong that emptiness feels. All at once it hits her. She has nothing to do. Nowhere to be. For the first time in… she thinks back for a minute, really the first time in longer than she can remember, her life is not governed by a prison schedule or a mission, or the need to find food and shelter. 

She doesn’t know what to do, so she does the only thing she can. She follows her crew into the med bay. 

They see her as a patient as much as a visitor when she enters. She doesn’t object as they fuss around her, stripping her of her filthy clothes. They push her into the sonic, slather her in bacta, from head to toe, and give her very basic, vaguely humanoid new clothes to wear. 

After that, she waits. She waits for them to tell her that Bodhi will need a few Bacta immersions for his burns and a new left hand, but will live. She waits for them to tell her Cassian ruptured his spleen, lacerated his kidney and fractured 3 of his vertebrae so completely, they don’t believe he walked after the fall, much less climbed, and aren’t sure he’ll ever walk again. She waits for them to tell her Cassian died. 

For 12 minutes, alone on a table. 

She waits for them to tell her he’s alive, and will need bacta immersions and implants and…

Well she doesn’t hear too much after that, because Cassian died, but he came back. Again. 

She wanders out of the medward much later, cold and numb and stands just outside of the doors for a full 5 minutes trying to decide where to go. What to do next? She was assigned a bunk in the common dorm on her initial trip here, but the thought of open space and other people make her hackles rise. She should be hungry but the thought of food unsettles her stomach. She starts walking eventually, as much for something to do, as to try and get away from the jagged pieces of her psyche that her mind keeps timidly circling. 

When she looks up again, she realises she recognises where she is. A quieter section of the base that has the officers quarters, or that’s what she had assumed anyway, because it was where Cassian’s quarters were. She had followed him there to grab supplies before they stole the ship. 

She glances around the hallway, somehow expecting someone, maybe even Draven, to appear and yell that she is in defiance of some Alliance ordinance and shouldn’t be there. No one materializes, so she walks slowly towards the door and tilts her head. She shouldn’t invade his space. She knows this on some level, thinks that if it was her, she’d go batshit on anyone who made themselves at home in her quarters. But suddenly she can feel every hit and scrape that she has taken over the past 2 weeks, hell over the past 2 years. And she is so very tired. 

It takes her longer than she would have expected to slice through his locks, but eventually it gives and the door slides open with a sigh. 

She walks quietly around the small space,  not questioning how or why she feels safe for the first time in days. There isn't much here. A datapad tossed casually on a small desk, a well worn jacket hung over the edge of the bed, seemingly forgotten in a hurry, three small plants along the sill of a dusty window that seem to be well taken care of. 

She runs her fingertips along the cool leaves, wondering if Cassian did this. If he is capable of nurturing life as well as taking it. She wonders what that is like.

Soon enough she crawls into his bed, expecting sleep to claim her quickly. She's never had trouble falling asleep. On the floor in some dirt bunker, outside under the trash of derelict buildings and broken dreams. Even in Wobani. Habits built from a lifetime of catching kip wherever she can. It doesn't happen like that tonight though. She spends an eternity staring at the bland ceiling above, trying to will her mind clear. Then the tears come.

She hasn't cried since she was a child sitting on the floor by Saw's feet, mourning deaths she didn't fully understand. She can still hear his voice.

“This is it” He had said, as kindly as he could manage. “The last time you will lose precious water over something you cannot change. The future is ahead of us. the past is dead.”

She wipes angrily at her eyes. This is stupid. The plans are out and she's survived. It's what she always does. She barely knows the lives that were lost. She never truly knew the guardians. Doesn't even really know Bodhi or Cassian. And she stopped caring about both the men that called themselves her father when they abandoned her. 

She's alive and that's all that matters. That's all that ever mattered.

But the tears don't stop. Her face flushes and her nose runs. A fine tremor starts in her hands. She begins to wring the sheet on the bed, over and over, becoming tighter each time, trying to calm her shaking.

Nothing works. Soon her whole body is shaking with mighty sobs. She sees Saw in his cave, old and frail and broken like she never realised when she was with him. She sees her father staring at her with joy and peace as the light goes out of his eyes. She buries her face into the pillow, allowing the soft, cool fabric to sooth her and hide the broken, hideous sounds she is making. 

She gives up and let's herself cry. Let's herself mourn for all that she has lost, let's out the fear and anger that she can no longer carry. She is safe for tonight. The future can wait.

[marvel--3000]

Mirage (5/???)

Summary: When 2 weird men show up at your job asking questions about you, you run, right into Hydras arms, you have no idea what they did to you in there, the Avengers help you figure it out.

*AU right after civil war, Steve, Bucky, and Tony are friends, and Pietro is still alive.*

A/N: this is my first thing I’ve ever written, soooo, some feedback would be appreciated, Hi I’ve been gone a couple years, and now I’m back, sorry��.

I started writing this a long time ago, so the first chapters suck…. sorry

Pairing: Avengers x mutant!Reader

Warnings: some language, torture

Italics indicate that she is thinking to herself

~~~~~~~~~~

You dream of your life in the hydra base, everything is tinted red. You see flashes of faces, good and bad. You see yourself training with another mutant, you knock him to the ground and put him in a headlock. The scene changes, you see yourself strapped to a table, with the Trench Coat British guy smiling over you as you scream. It changes again, you see yourself crying in a ball, in the corner of your cell, trying to keep warm. It changes again, you see the goons kicking you on the floor, after your first escape attempt.

All of these memories scream through your head, until suddenly they come to a stop on one image. The man with the metal arm being shot in the back, because you can't reach him in time. You run to him as he falls. You catch him before he hits the ground, and lower him the rest of the way to the ground. You roll him over to look at his face, but when you roll him over, instead of his face being there, its Mr. British. You scream and try to push him off you, but he grabs you and pulls out a gun, he shoots you in the chest and laughs. You fall backwards, but instead of hitting the floor, you fall through it, into complete darkness. It feels like you fall forever.

You wake up screaming, clutching at the blankets. Your eyes dart around the room, trying to figure out where you are. You see medical equipment, and hear a heart rate monitor beeping next to you. You remember, you're in the Avengers Compound, they saved you from Hydra. You relax into the bed and breath.

<i>What time is it?</i> You think, you look around again, now that you've calmed down. You see a huge window at the end of the room. Outside the window are trees, and a black sky, full of stars.<i> So it's still night, how long was I asleep for?</i> You sit up so you can see out the window better. You see a lake, and some lights below you. <i>So I’m not on the ground floor, it's pretty here, quiet.</i> You look away from the window and down at yourself, and notice that you aren't Natasha anymore, instead you’re a man, with hairy arms.

You gingerly try to spin your legs to the left, to dangle off the bed. It takes some effort, and a lot of pain, but you manage to sit on the edge of the bed. You start to slip off, so your feet touch the floor, then put a little pressure on them. Causing you to whimper in pain, but you push through it, as you've always done. You finally manage to stand on your own two legs, you look down to notice that your legs are hairy too, under the hospital gown. You also notice that there is a IV coming out of your hand, with a tube leading to a saline drip hooked on a metal rod on wheels.

You hold onto the rod for support, and take a step towards the window. But the heart rate monitor hooked to your finder stops you, you quickly pull it off, causing the monitor to have one long beeeeep, then power off. <i>That will probably bite me in the ass later, but I need to see out the window.</i> You slowly make your way to the window, each step a struggle. But you make it to the window, when you look out, you notice the trucks driving below you.

You look up and see the stars, they are beautiful tonight. Your eyes feel odd, so you close them, and rub them with the back of your hand, and when you open them again to look at the stars, suddenly you can see so many many more, you can see the sky as if we didn't have any pollution, or even an atmosphere. You can see the milky way, the whole galaxy. It's the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Your eyes well up with tears, causing the stars to merge together, and yet, it's no less beautiful. You’re so busy looking up, you don't even notice that somebody else has entered the room.

“It's beautiful here isn't it?” Says a voice behind you. You squeak and whirl around, causing you to almost fall, and be in excruciating pain. The person rushes towards you trying to help, you look with anger in your eyes, ready to fight. But what you find is a concerned Dr. Banner, giving you the most confusing face. Your eyes soften, seeing that there is no immediate threat. You gain your balance, and stand on your own, shrugging off his hands, which you hadn't noticed before.

“It's not nice to scare people when they are zoned out.” You say in a fake scolding voice. But he just keeps looking at you with a weird face. “What's wrong Dr. Banner?”

“Hm? Oh, I'm just not used to walking into a room to find that I'm already in it.” He says with a little smile.

“What?” <i>Is he a little crazy?</i>

“Oh you don't know, you're not Nat anymore, now you're me. It's a little jarring. You can call me Bruce by the way.” He says looking you up and down.

“Oh! Sorry, when I dream I shift, and I must have shifted into you. Sorry.” you say then look at the floor in embarrassment.

“Nothing to be sorry about, but how do you look exactly like me, you even have my birthmark on your knee.” he says with a puzzled look.

“Oh, when I see someone, I can copy their face, their size, and any other characteristic I can see. But in your case, when I touch someone, or they touch me, I can become a perfect duplicate of them, I think it has to do with DNA or something.”

“Oh. But I didn't touch you?” he said with a puzzled expression.

“When you put the needle in my arm you did. I can shift into someone else if you want?” you say shyly, talking about your powers is always weird.

“It's fine, as long as you're comfortable.” he quickly reassures you.

“Cool.” you think for a moment before asking, “What are you doing in here so late?”

“Oh that, um, I told Friday to alert me if you woke up, so you wouldn't be scared. On that note, you really should lay back down.” he says in a quiet tone.

“You did that for me?”  Confused as to why he would want to do this for a stranger. You start making your way back to your bed, leaning on the pole.

“Well yeah, you are my patient.” he says walking next to you. Suddenly your left leg decides it's time for a nap, and you start falling with a yelp. Bruce catches you with surprising strength. <i>How did he catch me so quick?</i> He helps you back to your bed, and you lay back down.

“Thank you, I don't know what happened, my leg just quit working.”

“No harm done. Are you alright, any pain?” he asks sitting at the end of your bed.

“I mean the bullet wound in my chest hurts, but the weird part is, it should hurt more. How long has it been since I got shot?” you ask, looking him in the eyes. <i>His eyes are a very nice deep brown, with some bright green near the iris. Odd.</i>

“It's been 3 days, but your wounds are healing at an accelerated rate, it looks like you got shot 3 weeks ago. Is that part of your powers?” he asks leaning towards you

“No last time I checked!” you say starting to worry about what Hydra did to you there.

“Ok, we’ll figure out why, but right now, you should sleep. Steve and Tony are going to ask you questions in the morning,” he looks down at his watch, then back up to you, “if you sleep now, you should get about another 6 hours before they come back.” he says in a reassuring tone. <i>I can see why he's a doctor, he's so kind.</i>

“I don't know if I can go back to sleep, I didn't have the best dreams before.” you say looking down at your hands, they are large, and strong.

“I can give you something to help you sleep better if you like, but only if you're comfortable, I don't want you to have another panic attack.” he says looking at you with concern.

“Will it give me better dreams?” you ask in a small voice, meeting his gaze again.

“Yes, promise, as long as you promise me that you won't have another panic attack?” he asks while standing and walking to a nearby cabinet, and opening it up.

“I think I can manage that.” you say smiling at him. He turns back to you with a small needle, and a band aid in his hand. He walks towards you and says, “You should lean back, this stuff works quick.” he cleans the area he's about to put the needle in as you lean back. “I will be here in the morning when they ask their questions.”

“Thank you, and thank you for being so nice to me, even though you don't know me.” you say smiling. When he finishes he puts a teenage mutant ninja turtle band aid on your arm. “Really? Teenage mutant ninja turtles?” you ask with a small laugh.

“What? I thought it was appropriate.” he says with a large smile. “Now try and get some sleep, I will see you in the morning.” he says while walking to the door “Goodnight Bruce, thank you…” you say, your words starting to blend together. <i>He was right about this acting quick…</i>

“Goodnight.” Bruce says while turning out the lights, he turns and walks out the door, closing it behind him. He walks back to the elevator, taking it to the recreation floor, where the crew quarters are. He walks to his room, and sits on his bed.

“Friday, please alert me when our patient wakes up.” he says then crawls in bed to sleep as well.

“Yes sir.” Friday whispers from the ceiling.

Back in your room

You smile to yourself,<i> Maybe this place isn't so bad, Bruce is nice, I hope they don't think I'm hydra, I hope I'm not hydra……</i> *Snore*

Time Skip,

You wake up slowly, groggy from the drug Bruce gave you last night. Your eyes are too tired to open n, but your mind starts to work. You feel something, something is wrong. Your eyes pop open and land on a very angry, very tall, very scary, redhead standing in front of your bed with her arms crossed, glaring at you.. <i>Oh shit. Natasha Romanoff!</i>

[thetomorrowshow]

Slower Than Words Ch. 5

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12

I legitimately feel sorry about this chapter! It wasn’t meant to be this intense, just lightly angsty. Virgil really threw himself under the angst bus for this one so buckle up y’all

cw: gagging, unethical eye operations (not in great detail), panic attack, kidnapping, by a cult specifically, character being restrained (both on a table and not), brief mention of blood, fever, intense pain, vomit, that’s a lot of warnings, passing mention of drugs, singular mention of an IV, surgical implications

~

Everything was decidedly not going to be okay, Virgil realized several days later when he was rudely awoken by rough hands pulling him out of bed and out the door before he could say a word. He opened his mouth to scream and had a rag stuffed in it, which was also rude.

While being dragged down a hallway, Virgil took the moment to reflect on his current mental state, which was scarily calm considering what was happening. Shock, probably. Even more likely was the overwhelming gratitude he was feeling that it was him leaving the safety of the room, not Patton. That gratitude gave way to fear (finally) as he was brought into another room, one with a distinctly medical smell.

The room. Not the room, please, not the place where his eyes burned and he could hear himself screaming but was fairly detached, watching from the side as the men and women in white coats leaned over him and measured his reaction. The place where he was left alone, for weeks, as his eyes slowly healed but never saw again. The place where they had strapped him down, hadn't drugged him even as he struggled and sobbed with pain—

They were doing that now, Virgil realized with a start, and he began to fight, trying to force them away and roll off the table, but they already had his ankles secured.

“Get that out of his mouth, we're not monsters.”

Virgil would have cried at hearing words that didn't come from his own mouth if he weren't already crying. The rag was pulled from between his teeth, and he gasped out incomplete sentences of pleas and desperation.

“Virgil, is it?” a woman said.

“My name, that's my name,” Virgil sobbed, almost incoherently. No one had said it in so long, he almost wanted them to say it again.

“Well Virgil, we're here to help. All we need you to do is lie still.”

Virgil would have promised anything, but he was suddenly aware of the fact that they had finished strapping him down. He didn't have a choice here. He tried to calm his hitching sobs, aware that he definitely looked not only like a fool, but weak.

“Wh-what are you going to do?” he asked pitifully. There were several long moments of silence. Then the same woman before spoke, saying eerily familiar words.

“We're going to fix you, in the name of the Prophets.”

Virgil screamed.

-

Virgil had been in the back of this van for far too long. His mind was still in overdrive with fear, but now he could wonder—why had he been kidnapped? There was nothing special about him. He was just like any other college kid, trying to make his way in life with money in the negative and relationships even lower. The only person who might care about him was his roommate Roman, but he also had no money and therefore would never be able to pay a ransom. Not to mention, Roman was promising. He was only failing geology, he'd just gotten a role in a production at the high end theater across town, and he had a boyfriend who definitely didn't care about Virgil.

There was nothing he could do to escape whatever awful fate these strangers had for him. They didn't look too dangerous, all four men wearing square-looking jeans and plain t-shirts, but none of them had very built figures. Only one looked like he worked out, which was a testament to the fact that Virgil was a pathetic weakling. He should've splurged and bought that gym membership.

The van stopped for hours at one point, Virgil assumed in a hotel parking lot or something. He would've liked to get out of the cramped space, but it was clear that wasn't happening any time soon. His hands were tied to his ankles (a fact that had sent him into more than one panic attack) and both were pulled behind his back in a hog tie, and a bandana was bundled up in his mouth and tied around the back of his head. He could tell it was night; some of the light from the part of the van with seats filtered in during the day. It was nice to have a little light. Darkness scared him—he always slept with the blinds on the window turned to let some moonlight in, now that he was far too old for a nightlight. Now, however, there was zero light and Virgil was barely keeping himself from freaking out. He just had to survive the night, then nothing would ever be dark again.

They were back on the road. The men chatted loudly, but so many of the words seemed to have a different context for them than they did for him. Haven? Blessings? Liberating? It sounded like a cult, and Virgil once again attempted to free himself of the ropes. The only thing he gained was rope burn.

When the door opened and Virgil blinked at the sudden light and wave of heat, he had to assume they'd arrived. Instead of moving (or shooting) him, two people stared. A man and a woman, the man in a simple suit, the woman in an even simpler dress. Sweat trickled down Virgil's temple as he stared back at them, his jaw aching and limbs strained.

“This one will do,” the woman said eventually. The man nodded agreement, and then the ones that had kidnapped him in the first place were dragging him out of the van. Virgil maintained eye contact with the two as he passed. What did that mean? What did they need him for?

The sun beat down on them as the four men carried Virgil across a dirt road. There were small, one-story houses lining the street, but nobody outside. Virgil only had a moment to wonder why before he was being ushered into a large building. It was cooler inside than out, but still stuffy, like the air conditioning was one of those old window units.

He was carried into a room that smelled like a hospital—and looked like one. The counters were laden with different tools that he had no idea what they were to be used for, but looked vaguely like they belonged in a horror movie. The four men rolled him onto the operating table in the center of the room, then set to work untying him. Virgil lay still, hoping to trick them into thinking he would be compliant. He'd wait until his legs were free, then start fighting back.

That was a no-go, as it turned out. The men easily grabbed his legs and pulled a strap over them, securing him into place. He managed to flail his fist into one person's nose, and felt a deep satisfaction when the man doubled over, bleeding. It was quickly snuffed out as the other three got a hold of his arms and strapped them down as well. Then they all left, even the man Virgil had hit, shutting the door and leaving him alone.

Virgil's eyes darted around the room, taking it all in. The only sound was his heavy breathing. He flexed his fingers and toes a few times, trying to get feeling back into them. He groaned deep in his throat as they began to tingle, then ache. He shifted a little, the sweat pooling under his shirt and hoodie making him supremely uncomfortable.

The door opened with a bang, startling Virgil enough that he jumped. Quite a few—seven, maybe—people in white lab coats entered, the last man wearing plain clothes and looking less like a nerd than the others and more like a bodyguard. Virgil swallowed. What were they going to do to him?

“Hello, Virgil,” an older man with a scar on his chin said, smiling too wide. He leaned over the table, and Virgil tried to lean away. The man tsked, his smile dimming slightly.

“Now, that won't do. Don't be scared, Virgil. We aren't going to hurt you.” The man frowned for a split second, then chuckled. “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to lie. This will likely be very painful, Virgil.”

Virgil couldn't force his eyes away from the man's, cold brown eyes boring into his soul. He felt the fear rise, bubbling out of his throat in a muffled cry, even as a tear slipped out of his eye and rolled toward his temple.

“We're going to break you, in the name of the Prophets.”

Then they were holding his head still, and—no—no—not his eyes, please, anything else—

Virgil screamed.

-

Virgil didn't know how long he feverishly drifted, but it was certainly hours. His eyes—it was more than burning, somehow. It was the fire of a thousand suns, concentrated in his eye sockets and pounding through his head. All he could feel was the pain, not knowing where he was or aware of any outside stimulus.

The moment Virgil recognized that it was terrifying was the moment that he could feel his fingers. Suddenly, he was no longer a miasma of pain, but a human being (engulfed by pain) again. That was also when he realized there was something pressed up to his lips. He opened his mouth—water, warm and stale but still water—flooded his dry mouth and and he choked as it hit the back of his throat. The bottle was pulled away, and Virgil spluttered for a few moments before all the water was clear of his airway. Exhausted by the fight and debilitated from the pain, Virgil let his eyes slip closed and drifted again.

When he next woke, it was to incomprehensible pain and the sensation of moving, as if whatever he was laying on was being moved. Barely letting himself wonder where he was headed, Virgil drifted again.

The cycle repeated for a while before Virgil found himself fully conscious. It hurt to turn his head, so he laid still, despite all the noises around him. He was shaking constantly, and he was pretty certain he was strapped down. The room wasn't cold, exactly, but Virgil longed for a blanket, something to perhaps weigh down his legs and ease the quaking.

“Can you hear me?”

Virgil wasn't sure if the person was talking to him or not, so he didn't respond. The other noises around the room—a sink running? A quiet conversation?—continued as if nothing happened.

“Can you hear me?”

This time, the voice was louder, and distantly familiar. Virgil nodded slightly, cut short as he grimaced in pain. Moving his head made the pain spike, inducing nausea. Now he felt he was going to throw up, as well as shiver to death. Great.

“Tell me your name.”

“Virgil,” he rasped. He'd never given these people his last name—how they'd found out his first was a mystery to him—but it didn't quite count as an act of defiance when just saying his first name had sapped all of his energy. He tasted copper in the back of his mouth and wondered vaguely if he'd screamed so much that his throat had bled.

“He's conscious enough. Try to get him to stand up.”

Virgil was trying to figure out how to respond to this when he registered the sound of Velcro tearing, then hands grabbed his arms and pulled him off of the surface. Immediately his headache spiked, and he cried out, barely aware of his knees buckling and hitting the floor.

A sigh was heard. Virgil sniffed back tears, despite the little voice in the back of his head telling him he had literally zero dignity left. He didn't want to cry, especially not at just standing up.

Then suddenly, they were moving. Virgil struggled to get his feet underneath him, but failed and resigned himself to being dragged. He was certain he was about to pass out. His head grew fuzzy, limbs filled with pins and needles. The sound of himself being pulled on the concrete was even louder than anything that had just been going on in the room; it filled his ears and pounded along to his heartbeat.

He distantly heard a laugh, then gasped as someone let go and his head cracked against the floor. It wasn't too bad, he wasn't very far from the floor anyway, but the pain of the impact still caused him to lose the battle against his stomach, vomiting all over himself and the floor. Some commotion followed that; Virgil's head was spinning and splitting and his eyes burned and put simply, he couldn't keep track.

He drifted again, laying on the floor in his own sick, not sure what was real and what wasn't. Too soon, though, he was brought back to the waking world by a jet of water hitting him square in the stomach. He jerked, then spluttered as the water hit his face. Somehow, while shocking, it was more pleasant than the pain, a nice distraction. That didn't last, though. Soon enough, Virgil was shivering and numb as the water kept spraying, a sob tearing from his throat as more and more went up his nose.

Finally it stopped, the only sounds being the water dripping from his soaked clothing and his shuddering sobs. Virgil couldn't stop crying and shaking, and there was only one thought in his head, playing over and over: I want Patton. Please I want Patton. Please Patton please I want Patton please—

After what felt like hours of just laying there, hands grabbed his wrists again and began dragging. Virgil didn't even try to stand, or stop crying. He was so cold. So, so, cold, and he just wanted Patton, just wanted to be safe. . . .

More noise—so loud—and a little more strain on his arms before he was dropped, palms bouncing lightly off the floor. Virgil wanted to curl up on his side, hoard what little body heat he had, but he couldn't move. He couldn't move, and they were coming closer. His sobs ratcheted up as he just knew they were right above him, holding those tools and moving closer and—

Someone touched him, and Virgil whimpered loud. He couldn't—not again—please no, please please please no—

They took his hand and touched his wrist—an IV, they were just putting drugs in him—with warm fingers, tracing something—

Tracing . . . something. . . .

P-a-t-t-o-n.

“Patton,” Virgil croaked. Patton was here. Patton was safe, Patton would make everything all right. With that knowledge, Virgil finally fell into a comfortable sleep.

~

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