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amilynh · 5 years ago

Note

Okay, let’s try this again. I’d love a DVD commentary on Leia and Hera’s conversation in “War Orphans.”

Excerpts included from “War Orphans.” [I hope you’re happy...this is longer than the fic itself... LOLOLOL!]

Before she even touched him, the princesspulled him away, holding more tightly if anything. “I’ve got him,”she snapped.

“I’m so sorry–”

“Don’t.”

I knew from the time I got the promptthat I desperately wanted to see Hera and Leia interact, and I used Jacen asthe catalyst, having Hera need to do a job and Leia casually volunteer to watchJacen (to everyone’s surprise and Hera’s embarrassment). I did a bunch of assembling ofinformation…that Hera is about 10 years older than Leia, that Leia (likeLuke) is only about 3 days younger than Ezra, and that neither of them has everlived in a time where the galaxy was not at war (even though there is a lull inopen hostilities on the Core Worlds after the rise of the Empire). We knew by the time I wrote this that Leiaand Hera were both on Yavin IV, that Hera flew at the Battle of Scarif, thatshe was likely to have been on Yavin again when Han and Luke returned from theDeath Star was a Super Compartmentalizing Leia, and that Hera flew against thesecond Death Star.

I thought quite a bit about how wellthese two women would know each other, and I decided that they would know eachother by name, reputation, and from planning meetings, but that, sadly, sincethey move in different circles–by social standing and, in particular, by rolein the Rebellion–they wouldn’t be friends.

I believe Leia was prickly from themoment she was captured on the Tantive IV until, well, after Han’s rescue fromTatooine. I think that was most noticeablein the period between her imprisonment on the Death Star and the evacuationfrom Hoth; I think Leia was just…existing then, and I think that the Leia weseen in ESB very much did not expect to survive the war. In many ways, I think she considered herselfa dead girl walking; she’d cheated death already (on the Death Star, by notbeing on Alderaan, in countless raids and on countless missions, in dodgyspacecraft….) and everyone she’d ever loved died in front of her eyes aftershe’d been relentlessly tortured. I thinkher prickliness is entirely a self-protection mechanism…and a side-effect ofher depression, survivor’s guilt, rage, grief, and single-minded vendetta againstthe Empire.

I liked having everyone surprised at hervolunteering to take care of Jacen because ALL of the above would lead anyoneto believe that the workaholic princess who is the Face of the Rebellionwould…be too busy, not like kids, have no capacity to deal with a child’semotions, etc. However, I believe Leiais 100% a pragmatist, and if Hera was more needed in the air than Leia was inCommand? She’d volunteer in aninstant. I do think, although she doesn’tthink this way about herself, that Leia believed in the need to keep in mindwhat they were fighting for: children,customs, loved ones. Leia only eschewedthose because hers are all already gone; she doesn’t HAVE anything left to livefor when she thinks about after the war (not yet…)…but Hera does, and Leiacan safeguard that.

Even so, she’s prickly with anyone whosees her “weaknesses,” and with anyone who questions her. Having her refuse to hand over Jacen, havingher refuse to accept comfort or sympathy from Hera…she can’t. She just absolutely cannot let anyone touchthe depths of her grief, not even kindly. She packed it all away before comforting Luke, before saying “We have notime for our sorrows,” looooong before this, and she’s not about to look intothat box herself; I believe she feels, at this point before ESB, that if sheever looked–really looked–at the gaping, yawning maw of grief that is thedestruction of Alderaan…she would never, in her mind, recover or climb backout of that chasm. Grief that great isbottomless and it’s daunting to look at. So, here, she has this child with her who fears losing his parents theway she has already lost hers, this child who never saw and will never seeAlderaan, this child who reasonably could die or lose his mother (as he’salready lost his father even before his birth), this child who is already makingmilitary plans because that is what his entire life is immersed in…and theutter trust in a child who will ASK Leia if his mommy is going to die(something Jacen can’t ask *Hera*…), and to whom she couldn’t bring herselfto give a harsh answer to (because, let’s face it, we’ve seen Leia with Wicket:she’s a sucker for kids), but to whom she can’t quite fully outright LIE…andyet…she might be wrong. And so thiskid melds into her, sobbing, and falls asleep on her **like she’s a realperson**…not a princess or a leader or a figurehead or a mascot…and all ofthose things she has tucked away…she can’t deny their realty as they press ather in the form of a warm little kid, treating her like the kind of real personSHE can no longer see herself as. And,of course, a kid who is openly grieving and crying over the very losses andfears that Leia tries to pretend she doesn’t notice in herself…that’s a toughsituation NOT to cry in. And I reallywanted Leia to dissolve into that emotional place she denies herself for thefirst three years of time in which we know her.

Then Hera comes in and sees her, sees theversion of her that NO ONE WILL SEE, DAMMIT…the version of her she tuckedaway and boxed up deep inside herself when Vader was rifling through hermind…and it is almost as much of an intrusion as the torture…or so it seemsin that first moment. And NO WAY is shegoing to hand off the child who is her one tether, her one lifeline in thatmoment, and the catalyst for her own emotional outlet: the ONE person who hasever treated her Just As Leia in the past 2+ years (without the weight of allthe knowledge of the Death Star and Alderaan and Who She Is and What She StandsFor…because Han treats her Just As Leia, too, but he does so as someone who onlyknows Post-Alderaan Leia)…because Jacen knows Bail is dead, that it wasbecause of the Empire, but, to him, it’s just a simple fact without the WEIGHTthat is attached for the adults. So Leiasnaps at the poor kid’s mother.

“It was no trouble. You hadimportant work to do.” Leia swallowed audibly. Breathed. Breathed again.She gestured to the scattered toys. “He’s going to be a great general,like his mother and grandfather. He planned an entire assault on that tooka ofhis.” Her voice grew less damp with each word.

“Princess, I can take him if…” Heraleft the offer hanging.

Leia tightened her grip on Jacen. “It’sLeia,” she said, voice even. Her small, gloved hand stroked Jacen’s back.“I got him to call me Leia. You should too.”

Then Leia starts to try and pull herselftogether: act like a Princess, act likea Diplomat, comment on someone’s skills, give an assessment, give orders. Shestill can’t let go of this child, but she can put her façade back together, onecool, calm compliment at a time. And,simultaneously, I want so much for Leia to have some *women* around her, so sheopens herself up, just a tiny bit, by encouraging a first-name relationshipbetween her and Hera. I think Leianeeded women around her so badly, and Hera, along with Shara Bey, are two ofthe few named women we knew were part of the Rebellion at this stage.

Leia peered around Jacen’s head thenleaned back. “Your son led his troops to victory over his tooka. Then heheld up three X-wings told me, ‘These ones died fighting the Empire. Like mydaddy.’”

“Why would you tell him that?” Leiademanded.

But…that leads straight back to the cruxof the matter…who this child is, what he knows, who this child’s parents are,and the reality of being a child who knows their parents might die at any timebecause, well, just like Leia and Hera, Jacen has already lost a parent to theEmpire, too. And Leia, who is AllPragmatism, oh, she Just Cannot with the idea that this child might know fartoo much, even though it IS pragmatic and realistic. She has this momentary break with her abilityto can because can’t they have just one thing that is not touched by theEmpire? Can’t there be SOMETHING that theEmpire hasn’t tainted?

“After he said his father died, hesaid, 'Like your daddy.’ Why would you tell him that?”

And to make things worse, Jacen knowsabout Bail…he knows SO MUCH MORE than he should, and Leia, used to being the subjectof gossip, can only assume that someone is talking about her EVEN WITH THISCHILD. So, as much as she admiresGeneral Syndulla’s piloting and leadership skills, part of the reason she won’trelinquish this child is that she now has serious reservations about the otherwoman’s judgement in terms of parenting skills. AND she feels that, not only has Hera seen her cry, seen her “weak,” butif Hera will gossip to her small child, what else might Hera tell about thiswhole day…Leia babysitting, Leia crying in a distant tunnel… And, of course, when Hera, who sees that thisis a manifestation of the Force, starts to say so, it sounds like the worstkind of assumption-making and victim-blaming, and Leia goes right back on thedefensive…and lets one of her most closely-held secrets slip in the process.

“I didn’t tell him anything,”Hera said. “It’s possible someone else did, but I think it was you.”

Leia turned, her eyes flashing and dangerous.“I told him nothing of the kind.”

“I don’t think you,” Hera paused,bit her lip. “I don’t think you told him on purpose.”

“You think I just accidentally let slipto a toddler that the Empire blew up my entire planet before my eyes?”

They’d made her watch, Hera realized. Becauseof course they did.

One of the questions that I like to askpeople for their head canons about is, “Who do you think knows that they madeLeia watch the destruction of Alderaan…and when do you think they learnedabout it?” In my head, it’s Han, Luke,and (probably) Carlist Rieekan, and (probably) Mon Mothma. I don’t actually think that Hera is on thatlist in canon (even my personal canon), but the idea of having her find outhere was tantalizing, and gave me the chance to talk more about how much thesetwo women, these two mothers (one current in the story and one, at the time ofthe story, a future mother), these two leaders…how MUCH they have in common, and,simultaneously, how differently those similarities have presented. This is particularly and additionallypoignant given that it’s possible that Jacen might have been among the Jedistudents slaughtered by a four- or five-years-younger Ben Solo, which wouldeven more horribly link their stories. But this line “because of course they did,” is one of my favorites. I like giving Hera the information notbecause Leia made a decision, but because she’s ripped open, and although she’sreconstructing her shields and walls…she hasn’t got them really working, andshe forgets to filter herself. I likehaving Hera’s stomach drop because she knows…she KNOWS how the Empire works;she’s been tortured by them too, as was Kanan, as have been others Hera knowsand loves…and yet, she was a) too preoccupied to think about this at the time(see: having a baby) and b) this is pretty low even for the Empire. But Hera, like most of the Rebellion, doesn’treally believe ANYTHING is too low for the Empire, and although she hadn’tactively thought about what must have happened, I know that she wouldimmediately recognize that OF COURSE.

Leia scoffed. “Luke doesn’t even knowthat. I never told him. And he says he can’t see into people like that.”

“Kanan could.”

Leia scoffed. “If Darth Vader couldn’tget something out of my head, I doubt–”

“You had to protect yourself fromVader.” Hera had no idea how Leia–a kid Ezra’s age–had managed that, butapparently she had, and without the Force. Hera shook away the thought. The wellof feeling there was too deep. Focus, Hera. “Not many people feel aneed to protect themselves from a 3-year-old.”

I wanted Leia to be on such a tear that shedidn’t even realize until after she blurted it out that she was giving more informationto Hera than she’d probably given even to High Command…and certainly morethan she speaks of. I want so much forLeia to have more people who KNOW how badly she’s been hurt, and who will talkwith her or listen to her or give her a place to crash, judgement-free, if sheneeds. I want her to have comfortingwomen around her…and for them to do that well…they need to know things thatLeia Organa Very Much Does Not Talk About. As I questioned how Jacen could get past Leia’s(impressive) shields, I realized AS Hera was about to say it that, well, ofCOURSE Leia wouldn’t be powering up Super Shields around a 3-year-old…and Ireally liked getting to let Hera say that, letting Hera remind Leia that thereis nothing WRONG with her, that different circumstances call for differentresponses.

I also liked lampshading Leiahaving the Force by having Hera (who, again, is FAR too concerned and FAR toopreoccupied to examine it closely…and FAR too impressed by this amazing youngwoman) think about how it seemed odd and even unlikely that Leia could have enduredthat kind of extended torture without giving something up AND without the Forceto use as part of her self-defense. Little does Hera know that Leia WAS using the Force��just unconsciously(another of my headcanons) and passively; if it were otherwise, Vader would havesensed it. There is nothing I love morethan Force-using Leia, so I had to have at least a hint at it, even though itdoesn’t fit in this story to have it be explored more fully…of course, this also allowed me to highlight how LITTLE they know about the Force. EACH of them has known next to NO ONE who is Force Sensitive and all of what they know about what is possible is from that limited, limited source.

Leia chuckled mirthlessly. “If you heardHigh Command, you might see otherwise. When Shara Bey’s son was born, you’dhave thought an acid lizard had got loose on base.”

This line was merely because I wanted tomake a joke about High Command being FREAKED OUT about having babies/childrenaround…even though it’s the reality of a rebellion this size; they MUST allowchildren in order for their parents to be able to be there…but it doesn’tmean that these folks who still remember and want to restore the Republic are*comfortable* with that. Of course, tothat end, I spent 2-3 hours searching for a critter that is canonical and thatI could use as an example of what they’d imagine might have got loose in thebase.

I really enjoyed having Leia’s hard-edgedvoice that could cut transparisteel, the description of Jacen asking if, sinceLeia’s mama died in the war, if that meant his mama would die; that is kidlogic, and I still like it. I likedhaving them end up crying together. Iliked having Leia point out what Hera feels she should have known…but whatJacen has been hiding from her…and I like that both women understand thatthere is no alternative, no way to honourably pretend they don’t know thesethings because, well, they are simply real, and no grief or fear from any ofthem or this toddler can change the fact that they are both utterly committedto this being the only option: to fight.

Leia’s jaw hardened. “Don’t you daredie.” Her eyes bored into Hera’s. That glare was sharp in a way thatreminded Hera of Kanan.

Hera nodded.

“Just…don’t you dare. I promised him Iwouldn’t let you die.”

“I always fly to come home.” It hadto be enough. It was all she had.

“Fly safe, General Syndulla. Don’tmake me a liar.”

And then I loved getting to drop anotherhint–that fiercely sharp otherworldly stare of Leia’s that reminds Hera ofKanan–about Leia’s Force sensitivity. ANYTHING I can do to play with that makes me happy. And I love Leia exacting a promise from Herathat Hera can no more keep than Leia can keep her promise to Jacen. Of course…there is a little more to thosepromises than there would be without the Force behind them…but it is just alittle when the Greater Good of the Force is flowing toward the destruction ofthe Empire. I know, of course, that Herasurvives the second Death Star assault, so I like planting this conversation,knowing that it will turn out well, but knowing that it is fraught for both ofthem.

I love this scene and this story somuch. Thank you for asking about it!

#meme #asked and answered #star wars #fanfic #my fic #my fanfic #meme me one more time baby #director commentary #commentary #leia organa #hera syndulla #lajulie24

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sassycassie-s-series · 6 years ago

Text

All My Fault 25

By: SassyShoulderAngel319

Fandom/Character(s): DC, BatFam - Damian Wayne/Batman

Rating: PG/K+

Notes: (Masterlist) This is a kinda long one at 2,167 words, but WOOHOO more stuff is happening! We’re getting over closer to their confession y’all! If you’re wondering, no I don’t really know how to do short series XD Just LOOOOONG slow burns XD

Tag List (Open): @batboys-and-other-messes @lostredrobin @probsjosh @spooder-moon @welovegroot

Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11, Ch 12, Ch 13, Ch 14, Ch 15, Ch 16, Ch 17, Ch 18, Ch 19, Ch 20, Ch 21, Ch 22, Ch 23, Ch 24

^^^^^

Creeeak! SLAM! Thud!

I looked up from my phone and leapt over the back of the sofa, bolting from the parlor out into the foyer, already in a fighting stance. Who was invading the manor?!

I slid to a stop on the polished wooden floor in my socks with my hands clenched in fists.

When I whipped my hair out of my face, my hands dropped.

Damian had collapsed to the ground, duffel bag next to him. One arm was trapped underneath him like he’d collapsed while holding an injury and the other was splayed out on the floor.

“Damian! Oh my word!” I exclaimed, dropping to my knees by his side. I rolled him so his arm was no longer trapped beneath him and he was lying on his back on my lap. “Oh Damian. What happened?” I breathed.

His face was bruised. So were his exposed arms—but they had cuts and scrapes too. His dark skin was colored even darker in patches by purplish-greenish bruises and dried blood. His normally-spiky hair was hanging limply around his head. His eyes, usually so fiery and crystal-clear green, stared at me, half-closed and glazed.

“Damian. Damian, it’s me,” I said, brushing bangs that didn’t usually touch his forehead out of his eyes. “It’s Cloudy. C’mon, Damian. Say something.”

“Mission failure,” he mumbled.

I turned my head to shout over my shoulder. “DICK! JASON! BRUCE! ALFRED! HELP! IT’S DAMIAN!”

Damian winced at the volume of my voice, forehead creasing under wisps of bangs that had crept back onto his skin. I pushed his hair out of his way again, trying to keep his eyes on me. The weight of his upper body in my lap and his tense, hard muscles against my legs reminded me for the zillionth time that he wasn’t a thirteen-year-old pipsqueak anymore. That he’d grown up to become Batman.

“Damian, look at me. Come on. Please. What happened?”

Damian just tutted—weakly. “Tt.”

I heard the wssshhh noise of someone sliding on the floor in socks and Dick’s gasp. “Baby bird!” he exclaimed, dropping next to me. “Oh wow. You look terrible.”

Damian looked like he was going to flip Dick off, but his hand only lifted a few inches and then flopped back onto the floor.

Dick glanced at me. “Open the clock. Let’s get him down to the Batcave,” he ordered, dragging Damian’s upper body onto his own lap to free me. I scrambled to my feet and rushed to the clock, pulling it out of the way. By the time I got back to Dick and Damian, Jason had materialized from thin air—as any bat was wont to do—and helping Dick hoist Damian up.

Jason outweighed Damian by ten pounds, but Damian was three inches taller. It was safe to classify Damian as the biggest of his brothers, and there would have been no way for me to carry him into the cave. I was fairly strong, especially for my size, but I didn’t think I’d be able to get him downstairs by myself. Thank goodness Dick and Jason were significantly stronger than I was and could get him down to the med-bay.

I guided them down the stairs and through the cave, making sure they didn’t knock Damian into anything.

Bruce rushed over as Dick and Jason set Damian on a gurney. “Damian,” he murmured. “Are you alright?”

Damian, only half-conscious at this point, just grunted. “Mm.”

Alfred crossed to us and politely elbowed us out of the way. Dick and Jason fell back the farthest, me and Bruce closer. Bruce because, well, Damian was his son; and me because if I fell back any farther I wouldn’t be able to see past Dick and Jason’s bulk.

Tim and Cass joined the tense little party of waiting to see if Damian was going to be okay. Cass took my hand quietly. We exchanged a look of worry before turning our attention back to Alfred examining Damian. Damian may have had a tendency to rub everyone the wrong way at one point or other—especially when he was younger—but at the end of the day, everyone loved him. Because, for all the faults of the bats and the birds, we were all family.

I squeezed Cass’ hand. She squeezed back. And then again, harder, getting my attention. I turned to look at her. “You worried?” she signed, one-handed.

I nodded. Cass just looked at me for a moment before nodding back. We turned back to look at Alfred. I tapped my foot on the floor and bit my lower lip, watching Alfred with a stethoscope and a blood pressure cuff—a sphygmomanometer—as he looked Damian over.

“It would be easier,” he said without looking over his shoulder at us, “if I could continue without an audience.”

Jason set his hand on my back and jerked his head towards the stairs. We all headed up them, except Bruce. I watched over my shoulder as Cass pulled me out of the cave. Tim shut the clock once we were all out. Cass let my hand go. “It’s gonna be okay,” she signed with so much confidence that I almost believed her past my own anxiety. “Damian is strong.”

I nodded. “I know,” I signed back. “But I still worry.”

Cass gave me a contemplative look. “I know,” she signed.

“You okay, Cloudy?” Dick asked.

“Fine,” I said. “Just concerned. You?”

Dick shrugged. “Same boat I guess,” he said. “Worried about Damian.”

“We all are, curse our bleeding hearts,” Tim put in. Jason snorted.

^^^^^

Neither Alfred nor Bruce emerged from the cave for what felt like hours—but was probably… oh… maybe forty-five minutes? Jason, Tim, and Cass had moved away from the area around the entrance to the cave to get other stuff done. Dick and I sat nearby and waited.

Finally, Bruce came upstairs. “Simple exhaustion, a bad beating, and dehydration. If you want to see him, it should be one-at-a-time. He needs to rest, so no hyping him up, you hear?” he ordered.

“Of course,” I said.

“Ladies first,” Dick said, gesturing that I should go see him first.

I nodded and ducked back into the cave. I trotted down the stairs and bit my lower lip as I approached Damian lying on the gurney. I sat on the chair next to the gurney. “Hey,” I greeted softly.

“Hi,” he breathed. His hand twisted so it was facing the ceiling and his fingers straightened. I took the cue and slid my fingers through his, holding his hand.

“How do you feel?” I asked. There was an IV drip in his non-dominant arm, probably for rehydration—or maybe it had some pain medication. Or maybe both.

I didn’t know what Alfred did with IVs.

Damian grunted, giving my fingers a small squeeze. “‘M alive,” he mumbled.

“Yeah but how do you feel?” I pressed.

“Like I got dragged behind a cart again,” Damian said.

I scrunched my eyebrows. “Again?” I quoted.

“Mmhmm… training… with… the League of Assassins…” he muttered.

“I hate those guys,” I grumbled under my breath. I leaned closer. “What did Alfred say?”

“‘M gonna be alright,” he said tiredly. “Just need rest and rehydration.” His fingers squirmed in mine. I moved to let go, but he tightened his grip. “Not yet,” he said. “Please.”

“Okay,” I said. I leaned forward and brushed his hair out of his face. “I went and saw Michelle while you were gone. Jason’s remote polygraph said she wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t have an affair with my dad, but she had a hard time meeting my eyes.”

Damian gave me a look with scrunched eyebrows. “You didn’t wait for me to come with you?”

I shrugged. “Jay pretended to be my chauffeur and I was feeling brave that day.”

“I see,” Damian said, thoughtful and quiet. He still sounded exhausted.

We sat in silence for a moment, I wanted to get up and leave so Dick could come down and check on Damian, but Damian wouldn’t let my hand go.

“I missed you,” he said quietly after a moment.

I gave him a smile with the left side of my mouth. “I missed you too. Don’t tell Dick. He was teasing me about it,” I replied.

“I won’t. Promise.”

“I was really worried too.”

“Mm. Apologies.”

I pushed some of the hair that I’d already pushed out of his face even farther back with my free hand. “It’s okay. It comes with this life. We all always worry about each other, don’t we?”

“Mmhmm. Always.” He brought my hand up to his face and pressed my knuckles against his lips. “But I'm okay. Promise.”

I gave him a skeptical look. “Whatever you say, Dami.”

“You don’t believe me,” he observed.

“You’re the one covered in bruises and cuts,” I pointed out.

“Tt. S’pose you’re not wrong,” he said.

“Ooh. You tutted instead of grunting. You must be feeling better,” I teased. Damian chuckled weakly, patting the back of the hand he was holding with his other hand. There was a tiny smile on his face, but it looked like he was having a hard time doing it. I got off the chair. “Get some rest. Dick will probably come down once I'm gone to make sure you’re okay.”

“You’re not gonna stay?” Damian asked.

“Bruce said one-at-a-time since you’re exhausted and need rest. Dick wants to see you too.”

Damian squeezed my hand hard—and winced doing it. “Come back when he’s done. Please,” he said.

I nodded. “Okay. I will.”

I slid my hand out of Damian’s and left the cave. Dick was sitting nearby.

“Your turn,” I said.

He nodded, got to his feet, and went into the Batcave. I took his seat and waited for him to come back.

He was down in the cave for about ten minutes. When he reemerged, he smiled at me. “Damian asked if I’d send you down again,” he said. I nodded.

“Yeah. No problem,” I said. I stood up and went back down.

Damian was dozing on the gurney. I sat back in the chair I’d been in before. His eyelids fluttered open, saw me, and closed. He turned his hand and straightened his fingers again. I took his hand. He grinned slightly. “Just… just stay,” he murmured.

“Of course,” I said.

He hummed with contentment and closed his eyes again. I heard him take a deep breath and sigh out his nose.

^^^^^

When Damian woke up, he noticed immediately that his right hand was asleep, but other than that he felt fine.

He peeled his eyes open.

He was still on the gurney in the Batcave, but the rest of the cave had changed since he went to sleep. The medical area around him had been cleaned up, and there were signs everywhere else of the rest of his family heading out for patrol. A discarded—likely dull—batarang on a table, a gauntlet that had been in need of repair missing from the stand it had been on, Drake’s staff removed from where Todd had hid it among the brooms and mops.

Damian glanced down to see why his hand was asleep.

McCloud was asleep on top of it. She held his hand with both of hers, her forehead resting on the back of her hand that was threaded through his. Her hair was a slight mess, but not as wild as it usually was when she slept.

Damian couldn’t help but smile. He couldn’t even see her face and yet she was still beautiful.

The digital watch on her left wrist said it was 1:27AM. Everyone else was still out on patrol and would be for several more hours. Apparently it was a slow night because Pennyworth was sitting at the Batcomputer, but he was silent. No one was frantically shouting through the speakers for technical assistance.

To be frank, Damian was surprised that Pennyworth was allowing McCloud to sleep with her head on the gurney. Surely she’d be sore and stiff and achy later. Why did he not order her to her quarters? No one refused Alfred’s orders—least of all McCloud.

Unless he hadn’t seen her… but that was absurd. Pennyworth noticed everything that happened in the household. He must have seen her…

She cooed in her sleep and shuffled, her forehead unsticking from the back of her hand and coming to rest on the right side of her face so she was toward Damian. Her face was always peaceful in sleep. She looked like a painting of someone relaxed in an idealistic, utopian society. Or like someone painted a character from a magical fairytale that had been blessed by fairies with the gift of beauty.

Damian grinned and closed his eyes again. Maybe… just… a couple more hours… would do him… some good…

#All My Fault #All My Fault Chapter 25 #Chapter 25 #Damian Wayne #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne fanfiction #batman #batman fanfiction #batman imagine #robin #robin fanfiction #robin imagine #dc #dc fanfiction #dc imagine #BatFam #batfam fanfiction #batfam imagine

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emoali · 3 years ago

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Thursday🔴

My plan is to go through this month at least... with only positive vibes really giving it a go and a try to really digggg to see what bothers me even when im in a good mood

I'm worried that iv told him that he needs to do this and that and change his ways but what if it was never him...

What if it's me that wants the experience of being single and independent

I want a solo journey of self growth...

Am I just looking for excuses to get out?

Blaming others for my feelings?

I'm wondering if I really do want to be single though?

I obviously have some sort of negative feelings that hold resentment... These feelings arnt false but maybe that's not the only reason i want to explore these thoughts more..

So yes There are things I dont like about my situation but there are also things that I want for myself that make those negative seem bigger than they are maybe...

I need to own up to how I really feel...

Why do I want to explore sexually with others...thats a big question...

Is sex enough to walk away?

What he doesnt know is that yes I created Wifey Wednesday to fuel a fire in us

But I also have my secret freaky fridays

Where i take care of my needs...

Yet I'm really not sure if being single is what I want...

How will I know???

I still have the erge to talk to other guys like Evan im still crushing on badly...

Is this normal for someone in a long term relationship?? 💋

I do feel like we are an old couple

Wasnt super attrachted to him to begin with and I had this mindset that I would still be able to find love if I could look past looks.... Idk where that came from....

I need to dig to find out what attraction is and am i attracted to him???

Did i some how fuck my head up by trying to rewire wires???

How did i do that???

Is it possible to not be attracted to someone than then grow to be attracted to them?

Or better Yet I think that I just found him less and less attractive as time went on because of the things he does on top of physical attraction.

So I think the things he does makes him less attractive in my eyes and iv even said that to him before... I cant recall why I said that to him but iv said multiple times " do you think I find that attractive?" And he always agrees "nooo" :(

Now I dont feel as shallow and i feel good knowing that not only did i stuggle finding him physically attractive at times his actions and words also make me feel less attracted to him....

Like i never realised how much these little things would effect me subconsciously

I feel so HAPPY like I had a revelation!!!

His mom is yelling at him like a child to clean up the kirchen more and help around the house more... thats the type of shit that should have been ingrained in him a looooong time ago...

It make total sense as to why I find it hard to find him attractive. Like omg revelation!

I always thought that would go away once we got our own place and once he started manning up but I think the damage is done... It might be possible to reverse this but id probably have some subconscious thoughts still that would take a veryyyy long time to get over...

At dinner his dad asked is when were getting married and I just cant hear that shit again... Like I'm not even engaged

His mom on the way home asked if she could help me work through anything and i said id let me therapist handle it and she asked if anything triggered these emotions lol I said yes but i couldnt tell her it was her talking to Brian through the door while he jizzes on me... That event for sure triggered lot of emotions...

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thelifetimechannel · 7 years ago

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#tlcstuck #jade harley #davesprite #walkaround 1 #i'm gonna @ myself for making all of ds's logs downers

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missmysticwonderland · 7 years ago

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You, Me, Us (Part IV)

Mystic Messenger Angst Fic

You, Me, Us: Part I | Part II | Part III | FINALE | Es&Es

Part IV!! My explanation for this sudden cut is at the bottom, so please bear with me! TT^TT

WARNING:

Spoilersss!! (Although relatively minor)

Trigger warnings (emotional abuse, psychological trauma, self-harm and suicidal themes)

Another looooong chap!

In the end where nothing is left.

She is broken. The force of grief brought on by such a simple sentence was almost enough to send Saeyoung to his knees.

Across the room was you, arms circled around yourself as if it was a crime to take space. You cry and heave and cower.

Saeran kneels in front of you, hands outstretched but never touching. He calls your name, over and over, telling you to look at him, that you’re here, that you’re safe and no one would hurt you. But you wouldn’t listen. You were fighting a war in a place neither of them could reach.

Saeyoung wished desperately to hack into your head, delete and reset whatever was broken. But Saeyoung was also only Saeyoung and for all his genius, he couldn’t create an algorithm that would fix you.

“MC,” he hears his twin call. “MC, look at me.”

The elder twin wondered how he could be so calm. How he managed to sound both soothing and grounding at the same time.

But no, Saeran was not calm. Saeyoung realizes this as he notes how his hands tremble, how he would fist his hands at every rupture of tears.

“Byeol is here, MC. He’s here. Do you see him?” Saeran says, repeats the words again and again. Indeed, Byeol was there beside you. But you saw no one, touched no one, answered no one.

Saeran did not stop. He spoke, softly, slowly, his voice never raising. He urges you to breathe, calls your name over and over until you look up at him.

Saeyoung saw the moment your eyes cleared.

A tremor rocked your body, and your pale, shaking fingers hover over Saeran’s face. Your lips move soundlessly, and Saeran is frozen. It was your turn to mouth his name over and over, as if he was the first sign of light.

Back on earth, Saeyoung thought, tension draining from his veins. Stay on earth, MC, he silently begs as he watches you reach for Byeol. The retriever whimpers and licks at your cheeks until you wrap your hands around him.

Your tired, haunted eyes meet Saeyoung’s eyes over the younger twin’s shoulder, but Saeyoung wasn’t sure what his attempt at a smile looked like.

Your gaze returns to the younger twin, but Saeyoung could not quite see what expression his brother wore. A fresh stream of tears trails across your cheeks before you grab onto Saeran’s sweater and sob into his chest.

Your voice is soundless and neither could see, but even without reading your lips, the twins feel you apologize over and over and over, until sleep claims you at last.

Saeran doesn’t move for a long time, and neither did he. The twins are frozen---shook to the core by a feeling neither could describe.

The elder twin jolts at his brother’s first sign of movement. Slowly, Saeran rises and gathers you in his arms. He carries you like you’re broken glass held together only by thin strips of thread.

Saeyoung doesn’t say anything as his brother emerges from your room minutes later, shoulders trembling, fists clenched hard. He doesn’t say anything either as his twin swings with the attempt of putting his fist through the wall, only to hesitate and drop his arms instead.

MC would see, is what Saeyoung knows his brother reminds himself.

He says nothing when he feels Saeran’s head rest on his shoulders, says nothing as he feels his brother silently cry behind him, says nothing as he himself is brought to tears.

The twins mourn for the MC that was lost and for what more you would lose, but most of all they mourn because the one who missed the bright, smiling MC most was you.

You wake up to the sweet smell of pancakes and syrup. For a few moments, you are lost, slowly taking note of the familiar walls and soft sheets. A glance at the window tells you the sun had just sunk and you sit up, clawing at your memory.

Weak. So, so weak, you scold yourself. It happened again. You swore you wouldn’t let it happen again and it did.

The fog clears when Byeol slips through the half-open door and leaps onto your lap, proceeding to lick all over your face. Your racing heartbeat calmed at the sight of your partner. Your arms envelope his soft body and you relax, a slight smile on your lips.

Byeol. I’ll call you Byeol, then. Golden, warm, your precious star against the darkest night of your life.

“Hey.” You look up to see Saeyoung by the door, a glass of water in his hand. “How are you feeling?”

You muster a small smile and nod. Saeyoung walks into your room and hands you the glass, waiting until you take small sips before he pats Byeol’s head.

He takes your phone from the bedside table and hands it to you too, before he sits on the side of your bed.

“Saeran’s making pancakes.” He says, a quirky smile on his face. “I know what you’re gonna say. Pancakes aren’t for--”

A beep from his phone interrupts him and he glances down at his phone to see your message.

[I’m sorry.]

Saeyoung sighs heavily and casts his eyes skyward. “This girl, seriously.”

Then he crosses his arms over his chest. “If you say sorry one more time, you’re washing the dishes tonight and tomorrow and the day after that.”

What?

A lopsided grin spreads over his face and he chucks a thumb to the door. “Last to the kitchen is a rotten egg?”

WHAT?

With one last grin, Saeyoung bolts for the door and despite yourself, you scramble after him, with Byeol bounding behind you.

“Stupid fucking brother!” You hear Saeran growl, followed by a thunk and a groaning Saeyoung.

“I just wanted her to come out and eat!”

“Then ask normally next time.” He growls back at the elder twin and mutters profanity a bit more before he meets your eyes.

You realize you’re just standing stupidly by the doorway, unsure as to what to do. Before you know it, your lips move to apologize.

“I’m not hearing it.” Saeran says and you freeze. “If you apologize, you’re washing the dishes.”

“You just copied my threat.” Saeyoung chirped from the dining table, earning a glare from the edgier twin.

“Fine, then. If you apologize, brother will be washing the dishes for the rest of the month.” He says casually, plating the last pancake in front of the paling Saeyoung.

Saeyoung casts his puppy dog eyes over to you and says, “Please don’t apologize.”

Honestly conflicted, you stood motionless. You had an episode that could very well have ruined everyone’s day. How could you not apologize?

“MC.” Saeran calls your name and you instinctively meet his eyes.

You barely remember anything from this morning’s episode, but you do remember your name being called. The voice was small in the midst of darkness, but steady like a steel cord.

It was Saeran’s voice.

“Come and eat your fill.” Saeran says, a slight grin on his face. “We’re going out tonight.”

[WHERE ARE WE GOING?]

That was the fifth message you’d sent either of the twins, and the fifth message both of them chose to ignore.

By the looks of it, you were driving pretty far from the city, the buildings and apartments shrinking behind you. Byeol, who was all too happy with the speed was hanging by the window, his tongue sticking out as he barked at the wind.

At least one of you was enjoying the mystery.

They’re not taking me to a hospital are they?

“We’re not taking you to a hospital.” Saeran says and you meet his eyes through the rearview mirror. “I told you that first day that it’ll be up to you to decide and until you figure out where to go, you can stay with us.”

Strangely enough, you trust his words.

“That’s right! If I wanted to take you to the hospital, I’d have brought a speedier car.” Saeyoung piped up as he took a sharp turn. “So you’d have less time to kick my ass.”

[No speedy car can save you from ass-kicking.]

Saeran reads your message aloud for Saeyoung, who laughs nervously. “My babies will save me.”

“Will they, though?” Saeran says as the car comes to a complete stop.

[Where are we?]

The younger Choi twin looks back at you and smirks. “Less talk, more moving.”

Wind that signaled the end of autumn bit at yous skin and you shudder somewhat regretful you hadn’t thought to bring a scarf.

“It would have been better to bring a bicycle, but it’s dark and much safer to just walk.” Saeyoung remarks as he wraps a red and yellow scarf around your neck.

You mouth your thanks and the elder twin replies with a thumbs up. Neither of them have any problem finding stable footing on the grouns and it clicks in your mind that the twins did well in the dark.

“Grab onto my coat.” Saeran says as he steps in front of you. Through the backdrop of black his mint eyes glow, like wisps of light.

Byeol barks as he and Saeyoung start to walk up the worn path leading uphill you’d just begun to see. Slowly, you reach out and fist your hands over the edge of his coat, praying thanks that you were alright with this much contact.

Five minutes in, the twins start to quicken their pace and soon enough, they were running with you in tow.

Saeran glances behind you and you see him grin, knowing full-well that you had quite the pair of legs to match their speed.

Despite yourself, you start to run---to try and outpace the younger twin, turning the hike into a race. You feel yourself grin at the rush of cold wind and crunching sound of leaves until the trees thin out and the horizon opens before you.

You slow to a stop, absolutely dumbfounded with all thought of your screaming muscles and labored lungs fading to the background.

With all the city lights behind you, not one thing could hide the thousands of constellations stretched out above and beyond.

The sky is infinite, a small voice whispers in your head. The sky is infinite and unbound---beautiful, bright and free.

The velvet darkness spotted with small, white lights beckons you, comforts you and drowns you in its depth. For months, you’ve seen only one sky, one that’s far and old, like a picture worn out by time and tears.

The view from that rooftop was bright, and beautiful, but none of it compared to the beautiful man before you, who shone brighter than any as he showed his fears and scars to you.

Even then you loved only Zen. Your world, after a few short days, had already wrapped itself around him.

But now you hear the stars sing, and whisper that is is free---it cannot be bent, broken or restrained. And the sky still lives, beyond the shattered fragments of your world where you’s, me’s and us’s meant so much more than simple words.

[Why did you bring me here?] You manage to ask them.

Silence follows your question until the twins stand on either side of you.

“There is nothing else we can do for you.” Saeran whispers harshly.

He feels you stare at him, but keeps his eyes skyward, towards the vast blanket of black and white.

“You are fighting a war in your head, battling darkness neither of us can see.” He continues. “I brought you to our home, stupid and naive, hoping you’d be better with us with you and---”

His breath caught, the memory of you trembling scared before him burned in his memory.

“It is terrifying---being confronted with the knowledge that there’s something wrong and the reality of being unable to fix it.” Saeyoung says and Saeran knows he was talking about him too, back in those days where he himself had been deep in the dark.

“We cannot fix you.” Saeran says as he turns to meet your eyes. They glisten with unshed tears. “Because MC, all we can do is keep you here, to show you what is beyond yourself and that broken world.”

He is unable to stop himself from stepping closer and instead shoves his hands in his pockets. “All we can do is to show you, little by little, no matter how much time it takes---that the world is still beautiful.”

Silence follows his impassioned speech as you break his gaze and look behind him, towards the horizon that swallows the stars. Your eyes water and tears start to fall, like tiny stars that Saeran couldn’t help but try to catch.

His fingers are freezing against your warm cheek, but you let him wipe the tears away. Saeyoung’s warm hands pat your head and your tears come full-force---if it was because of the first human contact you’d allowed since that night five months ago, or the steady warmth the Choi twins gave, you didn’t know.

Your mouth moves as you apologize and you say so, over and over. Byeol reaches up to you as if to comfort you and you find yourself apologizing to him too.

Saeyoung sighs heavily and peeks down in between you and Saeran. “Ayaya, this girl. MC, it hurts when you apologize!”

Saeran almost smirks at the confusion painted on your face. “When you apologize it makes it seem like you’re inconveniencing us when it’s clear that you do anything but.”

Your mouth moves, as if to unconsciously apologize, so Saeran crosses his arms over his chest and says, “It’s an insult to our kindness, MC.”

Shocked, your mouth hangs open. Byeol barks at him, and Saeyoung groans before face-palming. “Why’d you have to go and say it like that, brother?”

“Because she won’t get it otherwise.”

The elder brother heaves another sigh before he falls to his haunches and pats Byeol’s head. “Well, what my clumsy little brother means to say---is that surely there are other things you could tell us.”

Slowly, his meaning clicks in your head, and another batch of tears freefall from your face.

“Aah, look you made her cry.” Saeran deadpans.

“I did not!”

“You did, stupid brother.”

“I was just trying to act like a big---”

Thank you. You mouth, hands coming up to wipe the tears from your face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The twins glance at each other, one grinning as he ruffles your hair, and the other saying, “You’re welcome.”

That night, you laid on the ground beneath the stars, listening as the brothers talked and bickered. They offered to teach you about the constellations, but at some point, it’s turned into a contest of which one can identify them fastest.

The deeper the night goes, the more you bask in the realization that the world is vast, and so, so much bigger than you---that you are part of a whole. Before you knew it, you were dreaming of that small hill where three of the brightest stars had fallen from the sky just for you.

The world is still beautiful, the stars had said before blinding white light opens for you a kaleidoscope of colors you stopped believing existed.

Thank you.

Saeran made sure your days started with sunshine and great breakfast. He’d even managed to stomach Saeyoung’s jokes for two straight days just so your face would brighten. Saeyoung’s eggs were strangely burnt the next day, though.

“Good morning,” He’d greet you at the start of your day and say, “Good night” before you headed to sleep.

Days when they dragged you out of your warm, comfortable bed to take you out jogging happened quite frequently. For some reason, jogging sessions always seemed to turn into a marathon, which Byeol was all too happy to participate in.

[I can’t ride a bicycle.] You tell them one day after Saeyoung suggested going to the hill, adorable face glowing red underneath your scarf.

Saeyoung just about died rolling on the floor laughing, and even Saeran himself smirked and teased you about it.

He ended up teaching you, but couldn’t very well help the nasty side of his personality where he’d lift his hand off the seat randomly---to test if you could do it on your own, of course not. It was always so amusing to watch you silently fume and shoot him daggers.

[I’ll put a whole cup of tabasco sauce on your dinner.] You threatened once.

He offered to make dinner that night not because he was scared because he totally wasn’t. You didn’t let him, so he had to fall asleep with fire in his mouth.

The soundless laugh and brightened face you had on as you raced them to the top of the hill was everything to him to the twins.

If this is all I can do...

Some nights when you’re feeling particularly low, either him or Saeyoung would take you out for a long drive. Drives with Saeran always had ice cream involved, because it made him feel better in low days. From the smiles you graced him with once you get home, he thought ice cream did the trick for you too.

If this is all I could offer...

“MC, did you gain weight?” Saeyoung remarked one winter morning. It earned him a slipper-to-the-face deluxe, but Saeran couldn’t help but notice now that he’d pointed it out.

You did. Your cheeks were no longer hollowed, with less edges and angles. Your face glowed that particular morning too, and Saeran wondered if it was just him that saw something more than an MC whose body had returned to how it was before the whole disaster happened.

His eyes had picked up on her hair that you kept tidy now, on your clothes that were less haphazard, on your eyes that were alive with emotion.

[Saeran gives me too much ice cream, that’s why.]

Then I would give it all to you.

“Don’t blame the ice cream.”

[And it’s cold, I can’t go out to jog.]

I would spend the rest of my days telling you, reminding you...

“OH!” Saeyoung exclaims as he shoots from his seat. “OHHH!!!”

Snow, you mouth, planting your hand against the window.

“Do you like snow?”

You nod franctically and turn to him as if to ask permission to play outside. Byeol, much like his master, was already by the door waiting for it to open.

“Alright, but be careful.”

That the world is beautiful

You dart out the door, arms raised like it was the first snowfall you’d ever seen. Byeol follows suit. His brother joins the fray and he wonders if the neighbors ever wondered why fully grown adults were out screaming about the first snowfall of the year.

And that my world, at the very least...

Giving up, he sits by the doorway to eat his pancakes, watching you spin around the driveway, lips moving in rare glee.

He swallows the strawberry whole when you suddenly stop and face him, point to the sky and mouth his name.

Needs you in it.

Strangely enough, the next day it was him who caught a cold. He’d always been bad with the cold afterall, and sitting out in the cold turned out to be words than actually playing in it.

[Who’d have thought you’d be the one to catch a cold, Saeran?]

“Idiots don’t catch colds, that’s why.” He remarks before he sneezes.

[Are you saying I’m an idiot?]

“I’m saying we shouldn’t test that out.” He says as he shoos you away. “Go. I drank medicine already I don’t need you to---”

He hadn’t even finished and you were already out the door. A sigh he hadn’t intended to make slipped though his lips.

“You ask her to leave then feel lonely when she does. Are you stupid?” He whispers to himself.

Closing his eyes, he tries to fall asleep until he hears the door to his room open and the sound of footsteps accompanying Byeol’s.

It’s you. He keeps his eyes closed, wondering what you were planning to do. I told you to leave, MC.

He feels you place a small, warm hand on his forehead before replacing it with a washcloth. Silently, he prayed you wouldn’t check for his temperature again in fear that you��d feel just how fast his heart was beating.

He woke up a few hours later with you sleeping by the bed, your head resting on your arms. At his movements, you open your eyes and immediately your expression asks him if there’s anything wrong.

Perhaps he was muddled with sleep, or just tired from having to suffer a cold, Saeran feels himself smile.

Your eyes widen in surprise before you smile in return.

You are beautiful when you smile, he wished he could tell you. You are beautiful when you laugh, when you’re angry, or even when you’re sad.

Days later, snow continues to fall outside. Against the backdrop of blinding white, your colors still manage to shine.

You are most beautiful when you smile.

It’s been a long, long while. When you get angry, he smirks and acts like he pays it no mind, but deep inside he laughs and jumps and hides what happens to his heart.

You find his garden, his small sanctuary of color and life, but they’re all gone now, all waiting for the season of light and green. He tells you the most beautiful flower waits for spring too.

You ask what it is, and all he tells you is that it’s blue, because that small, small rose...

That blue one is you.

[All preparations for the Christmas Party tomorrow is complete!]

Saeran watches you smile in satisfaction from the rearview mirror. “That’s great, then.”

“Must’ve been hectic to plan another party on such a short notice. Whose bright idea was it to move the party to Christmas Eve?” Saeyoung complained.

Idiot! Saeran glared at his brother.

[Zen did. Jumin says he’s going on a vacation with his coworkers.]

“Oh.” Was all Saeyoung said, shooting Saeran an apologetic look.

[I’m not going.]

The twins exchanged looks before Saeran spoke. “Neither will I. But Saeyoung will.”

[What? No, you should go!]

Saeran turns back to see you giving him the stink eye. He raises an eyebrow before saying, “I took the day off today, so I’ll be working tomorrow from morning to evening. Don’t give me that look. You don’t see me stopping you.”

Your mouth opens as if to protest, only to have your gaze drop to send him a: [Saeran Choi!!]

“It loses its edge that way, you know.” Saeyoung says in a singsong voice.

You groan to yourself instead, knowing full-well you couldn’t stop him and pout instead.

So fucking adorable.

A christmas song plays over the radio and Byeol barks at the jingling sounds. Saeyoung begins to sing along, totally off-key.

“Shut up,” Saeran grumbles, but Saeyoung only increases the volume.

“C’mon sing along!” Saeyoung urges, elbowing his brother’s side. “Jingle bells~”

“I don’t fucking sing.”

So Saeyoung just sings louder, opening the windows because he just loves ticking off his brother.

“Stupid, don’t---”

Too late. The townspeople were already staring after the bright red sportscar, blasting chirstmas songs at full volume---with offkey singing to top it all off.

Saeran couldn’t even sink in his seat!

Then he sees you laughing from the back---not the same half-hearted laugh you’d always done, but that one kind where you forget about everything else.

“So fucking beautiful,” He mutters against his hand, face heated.

If anyone asked why, he’d blame it all on Saeyoung’s anctics.

Saeran prays he could keep you laughing. He prays you wouldn’t stop smiling and changing for the better.

Everyday you grew stronger, everyday you smiled more, everyday you found more happiness.

So why

must everything

again and again

be taken from you?

“Go back to the car, MC.” Saeran almost growls as he comes to a sudden stop.

What?

You tug at his coat and move to peek beyond him when Saeran moves back as if to keep you from seeing. Or was it to keep you from being seen?

“Take her back to the car, Saeyoung.” Saeran’s voice sounds murderous. It’s been a long time since you heard him speak that way.

“Nuh-uh. You take her, brother.” Saeyoung replies, glancing franctically between you and what lay ahead. “You might end up killing him.”

Everything clicks when someone roars your name.

“MC! MC IS THAT YOU!?”

Zen. Why is he here?

Saeran turns and places his hands over your shoulders. “MC. Look at me.”

You do. You managed to, but your hands were trembling, your whole body was already shaking. You mouth his name and Saeran nods.

“Let’s go.”

Both of you begin to leave when Zen calls for you again.

“WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?” There’s something wrong with him. There’s something wrong with his voice. “WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY MC!?”

You hear franctic footsteps approach you and make the mistake of looking back at him.

You shouldn’t have.

His eyes are bloodshot. He staggers, unsteady on his feet.

No. No. No, I’ve come so far..

The smell of alcohol leaves you nauseous. Flashes of that night threaten to overtake you, and you’d have sent yourself back into darkness if Saeran hadn’t step between the two of you.

“MC WHY HAVENT YOU GONE BACK TO ME!?” He hulks towards you, only to be yanked back by Saeyoung, who had on a face you wouldn’t expect to see on him.

“Stop it, Hyung! You’re drunk. Go home.” Saeyoung says as he pulls Zen back.

Zen stumbles before he gets in Saeyoung’s face.

“SHUT UP, SAEYOUNG! YOU KEPT HER FROM ME!” Then he glares at Saeran. “BOTH OF YOU KEPT HER FROM ME!”

“Hyung, I’m warning you. Go home.” Saeyoung threatens, face hard as he meets Zen’s glare.

You felt faint and beyond terrified, but the way Saeran’s body shook in front of you anchored you to the ground.

You tug at his coat again, but the mint-eyed boy doesn’t turn or move.

“SAY SOMETHING TO ME, BABE.” Zen’s voice draws your attention back to him. He pushes against Saeyoung, who holds his own against Zen. “COME ON.”

You pull Saeran even harder, to get away from him or to get him away from Saeran, you didn’t know.

The twins are losing their patience, but you couldn’t give Zen what he wanted. He’d stolen your voice back then.

“Hyung, go home!” Saeyoung shoves Zen a few feet back. “If looks could kill, you’d be fucking dead by now!”

Zen’s eyes find yours and tears escape from his eyes. “MC, baby, please come back to me. Say something, baby.”

You shake your head, hand pulling Saeran back again.

Leave. You had to leave. Zen would get worse the longer he’s drunk.

But you’re too late. Zen’s eyes shift to Saeran. “You. You’re taking her away from me.”

You blood freezes over as rage lights Zen’s ruby orbs.

Then everything happens too fast.

Zen shoves past Saeyoung and plants a fist on Saeran’s face, sending the younger twin to the side. He grabs your wrists and yanks you towards him

And

HURTS.

“SAY SOMETHING!” He screams at your face and the edges of your vision darken.

You start to sink.

I’ve come so far, I’ve come so far, I’ve come so far.

But apparently not far enough.

You writhe against him, trying to free your wrists from his hands. Soundlessly, you cry and thrash so strongly, it was almost enough to sober Zen up.

“MC?” He whispers.

His hearing clears in time to hear a feral growl before he falls to the ground, screaming as your dog’s teeth sink into his leg.

He lets your arms go and you scramble to the side, the golden retriever follows you, hackles raised, with a protective gleam in his eyes.

“Crazy fucking dog!” Zen growls at him through the pain.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Searan’s menacing voice draws Zen’s attention before he remembers what he’s done to MC.

He turns to look at you, and for the first time since that night, really sees you.

You’re crying. Cowering. Silently screaming.

Saeyoung is beside you, but you flinch away from his touch and curl into yourself. Your lips move but no sound comes.

“Why won’t she speak?” Zen asks.

When no one answers, he asks again, louder this time. “WHY WON’T SHE SPEAK?”

At the booming sound of his voice you flinch hard and dig your hands against her ears.

“You have no fucking right to ask that.” Saeran growls, standing between you two.

“I’ll take him to the hospital, Saeran.” Saeyoung says, placing a hand over his brother’s shoulder. “Take care of MC and Byeol.”

Saeran immediately approaches MC, who also shies away from his touch. He doesn’t try to touch her again and only spoke to her in a voice Zen’s never heard him use.

“Come on.” Saeyoung all but yanks Zen up, not caring at all for the blood that now stained the leg of his pants.

Saeran takes his coat of and drapes it over you, whispering things Zen couldn’t hear as he and Saeyoung staggered over to the garage.

“Get in.” Saeyoung says, not even helping him into the car.

Settled in, Zen looks back at MC who was still trembling and shaking but no longer silently screaming. Her gaze was locked into Saeran’s as urges her to breathe.

I destroyed her so much that she needs help to breathe.

“I did that to her,” Zen absentmindedly says. “I did that to her.”

Saeyoung glares at him through the rearview mirror. “Shut up, Hyung. Even I’m going against every thought to just leave you on the fucking street.”

He should. He should be left on the street to die for what he’s done.

But no, Zen knew Saeyoung wouldn’t do that.

Not because he was his friend.

But because he knows that there are worse things than death---and having to live with this guilt is one of them.

You flinch at the freezing cold cup against your cheek.

“Merry Christmas.” Looking up, you see Saeran standing behind you, slightly disheveled. “Manager gave this for free.”

For a few moments, you stare at his bruised cheek. Saeran claimed that it wasn’t so bad, but it still filled you with guilt when you saw it.

You mouth a Merry Christmas back before you take the pint of ice cream from his hand. Saeran nods and pats Byeol’s head, who’d woken up to greet him.

[You didn’t have to hurry home, you know.]

“I didn’t.” Saeran says after a pause.

[Saeran.]

[Your coat is inside out, and there’s snow all over your hair.]

“Fuck.” You hear him mutter as he shakes off his coat.

[You saw it, didn’t you?]

The silence that follows the hitch in his breath is suffocating. Slowly, Saeran turns to you, blue eyes almost glowing in the dim lighting.

“I had to check for injuries. He grabbed you pretty hard and he was drunk off his rocker.” Saeran says, his eyes steady as he plants himself on the sofa beside Byeol.

You chuckle. [You don’t have to be so scared of me.]

“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared for you.”

The smile begins to slip. Byeol whimpers beside you, his nose nuzzling your cheek. He bends further, to the edge of your left arm sleeve.

You slide the sleeves upward and there it is, all three inches of the vertical scar from the darkest of your days.

“I never even noticed.”

[You wouldn’t have. It’s been cold since you came to get me, so there wouldn’t have been a chance for you to question my taste in clothing.]

“But you wore your clothes haphazardly before. Are you telling me that was on purpose?”

You laugh slightly at that. [I can never be that good a liar, Saeran.]

[I was fine with anything so long as it covered the scar.] You shrug, hand resting around Byeol’s middle.

[But there was always that sick, sick, part of me that actually wanted you to see them. That way I wouldn’t have to think of oversharing and hide behind how your curiosity killed the cat.]

“MC...” Saeran trails off. He’s at a loss of what to say. Of course he is. He’d likely had gone through the same thing before.

[I’d always been good at keeping the dark in check.]

[I made sure never to be alone during the low moments, to never keep anything sharp within reach or to never buy too much medicine.]

[The apartment wasn’t very high to begin with, so I never really thought of going out that way. At the very least it would injure me and cause people too much of an inconvenience.]

“When was this, MC?”

You turn pull your legs to your chest and rest your chin over them before you meet his eyes.

[October 27th.]

Also known as the RFA’s Halloween Party that you’d ghosted out on.

You hadn’t planned on boycotting the event that day. You had planned to show up, and act as naturally as you could. If they questioned your lack of response, you’d tell them about it.

Black, white and simple.

You’d come as far as the event center. But in the end you couldn’t do it. Zen’s fans were allover the entrance hall, even those who you knew didn’t get invitations. He was standing there among them, smiling and waving.

Zen was as he always was. But what about you?

Echo girl appears out of nowhere in a gothic black dress that’s more suitable for a night club than a halloween party. She was definitely not on the invitation list. But Zen had found a way to get her into the party.

That was about all you could take.

You find yourself in the bathroom of that small, small apartment of yours, a small blade you’d taken from the razor on the palm of your hand.

In the midst of darkness, you thought back to the things you’d thrown, all the countermeasures against moments like this.

Your laugh was hollow. You always found a reason not to do it back then. Be it small of big, something you’d seen on the street or something you’d see tomorrow... You always found a reason.

Alas, you’d finally run out.

The girl in the mirror, deep withing those haunted eyes beg you to stop, but you’d stopped listening.

The haze of black and gray choked you, but you were numb until the haze turned red as the liquid that pools beneath you.

You don’t remember the thoughts that had run through your mind. You don’t remember if you’d started to convince yourself this was okay or if you’d had second thoughts half-way.

Then beyond the haze was a cry.

It was small. Desperate. Pained.

You lift your eyes from the stream of dark red blood to see the dog you’d picked up days ago. He whimpers, staring at the blood trickling from your wrist.

Then slowly he approached you and nudged your knee. You wondered if he’d try to eat you. But then he just sits there beside you, lays the side of his face against your leg.

There’s no trigger.

No definite point where you realized you didn’t want to die---no light breaking through darkness or any of that.

All you remembered next was crying, trying to gather the small, lost boy in your arms---the only reason you had left and still managed to overlook.

Horror and regret at what you’d almost done to you both burned hot in your stomach.

It’s not over. It’s not over, and you won’t let this be over.

You will not sink.

[I called the ambulance minutes later and woke up the next day with stitches and thick bandages on my arm and a sleeping Byeol beside my bed.]

Saeran was frozen stiff beside you, but you couldn’t find the courage to meet his eyes. Instead you gathered Byeol in your arms. He’d grown bigger than he was the day you’d found him---the first star in your life.

[You asked once why I named him a star. There’s your answer.]

You wait for him to speak, for him to say anything at all. He doesn’t.

When you finally gather the courage to look at him, strong warm arms envelope you. Byeol shifts off your lap and Saeran pulls you closer, your head resting on his chest.

“A minute. I just,” He takes a breath. “I just need a minute.”

You expect the tide of anxiety that comes with human contact, but it doesn’t come full force. It idles beneath your skin, but the trembling of his body keeps it at bay.

“Thank you.” You hear him whisper. “Thank you, thank you.”

You ask him why, but he doesn’t pick his phone up to look at your message. He just holds you gingerly, as if you were the same girl from two months ago, as if he could glue all your pieces back together.

True to his word, Saeran pulls away and settled back in his seat. You reach to wipe a tear from his cheek, fingers lingering over the bruise on his cheek. He nuzzles your cheek and you laugh softly.

[The mighty Saeran. Who knew?]

He returns your smile with a weak one before he leans back against the arm rest. “You haven’t...”

[No. I never tried again since then.]

He sighs in relief, the tension visibly leaving his body.

[Sometimes I think of it. Byeol was all that kept it at bay before. But since I came here, I hadn’t dealt with much.]

[Somewhere inside me, though, I yearned to wake up without wanting to scream. To fall asleep without having to battle my demons. To go out without fear of breaking down.]

[I miss me, Saeran. I miss how I was before Zen, how I was before we broke each other, how I was before I’d lost my voice.]

But missing something and doing something to actually get it back were two entirely different things.

You hated silence and yet you hid behind it and your masks the entire time.

When you lost your voice, a part of you had been relieved: Because now you never had to say anything, now you could choose not to speak and not have anyone to question it.

You hated your silence.

But it was all the comfort you knew.

Somewhere along the way, you’d stopped trying to get that voice back and chose to live within the walls you’d built around yourself---to allow yourself to be a victim of circumstance.

“Then how it that different from running away?” Saeran speaks, his clear mint-colored eyes seeing straight through your core.

“I brought you here so you could decide on what to do---to have someone support you and offer a semblance of comfort to you.” He continues as he leans forward. “You are all that can heal yourself, MC. And if you begin to think that way, then what will be left?”

His words put a halt to your thoughts and all the demons raging in there.

“The problem isnt running away from us, MC.” He sighs, his fingers tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “The problem is running away from yourself. And more than anything, more than anyone, you need yourself.”

“In the end where nothing else is left, the only one that can save you is you.” Saeran’s hands find yours and he craddles them before he raises his eyes to meet yours.

“I’m not giving up on you, MC. So neither should you.”

You can’t very well describe how you felt---like thousands of thoughts and images were running though your mind, but at the same time none of them made sense.

Your lips move and your tears free fall, but you control nothing else. The boy before you smiles and wipes your cheeks, responds to your silent words with words that are soft and sweet.

In those small moments, you realize there are so many other things that are just as they seem---so many more things to try and see, but for now, all that mattered was this quiet.

The silence that for once was just silence---no voices, no white walls or prison bars. Just... peace.

When you come to the next morning, your tears have dried and your chest feels full. Byeol is stretched out on the other side of you, while Saeran sleeps a few inches away from you, his head resting against the soft velvet of the sofa.

Your fingers brush the red strands of hair away from his forehead and smile. It’s the first time you’ve seen him so unguarded.

You couldn’t call his name, but you wished you could at least say thanks.

And you will. It will take time, but you will.

But you had things to do first.

A/N: Hey, hey, hey!!!

IT’S BEEN A MONTH SINCE MY LAST UPDATE! I apologize for the long wait!

I cut the final chapter into two parts, because I was suddenly struck by inspiration. If I’d kept it in the same post, it’d have been twice as long as the previous ones hahahaha.

And also... I PASSED THE BOARD EXAMS!! I’m officially a Psychometrician now~ And because I’m in a reaally good mood and also as a form of an apology for being super late, I’ll be releasing both chapters at the same time, and the E’s&E’s (epilogues and extras) tomorrow! Links are below the title, so scroll up, buds!

I love you all! <3

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger angst #mysme angst #mysme #mysme zen #mysme saeran #mysme saeyoung #mystic messenger zen #mystic messenger saeran #mystic messenger saeyoung #angst #mystic messenger saeran x mc

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sherryfundin · 5 years ago

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Lots To Share for Aftermath of Secrets by Cate Beauman Release @CateBeauman

Cate Beauman’s Aftermath Of Secrets Release Celebration!

AFTERMATH OF SECRETS

The Carter Island Trilogy, Book 2

RELEASE DATE: June 4, 2020

MY REVIEW

Aftermath by Cate Beauman is Book II of the Charter Island series and picks up where book one left off, though it is Molly and Brad’s turn to be in the spotlight. I don’t know why Aftermath fell a little flat, unless it was because I was blown away by Secrets in the Glass and read it immediately after, and it didn’t grab me, like the first one. Could it be because I wasn’t as invested in the characters and their outcome, like I was with Callie and Nate?

One drunken night had ruined Molly and Brad’s lifelong friendship. Molly, Brad, and Molly’s brother, nate, had been like the Three Musketeers. They both missed it, though they didn’t know how to fix it. With romantic suspense a lot comes down to communication. Who would make the first move?

When the characters mentioned watching Friends reruns, I thought, isn’t Friends always on cable somewhere. LOL I watch them all the time. I love little touches like this that make it easy to relate to moments in the characters lives.

Molly is easy going, but she is a tomboy and not shy about saying what she thinks. I love Molly thoughts about fashion…sneakers, jeans and a sweat shirt. And makeup? What’s that? She is the opposite of Callie and I think that’s why they make such great friends. Sounds like someone I could be friends with too. They can fill in the blanks and help navigate some of their troubles, all while building a friendship.

Molly’s sister, Gwen, is the opposite when it comes to fashion. I love when she is dressing her for a New Year’s ball and she looks in the mirror, all glammed up, and says,”Holy crap.” I busted out laughing. Been there, done that.

Brad’s brother, Jordan, appeared, I thought his timing highly suspicious and Brad is leery.

I knew a shitstorm was brewing, it’s just, what kind of shit storm will it be.

I have read a lot of Cate Beauman’s books and love them. I’m not sure what happened with Aftermath. The beginning seemed a little choppy. I was already invested in the characters and wanted the best for Molly and Brad, but, for me, it never reached the level of Secrets in the Glass. I would recommend reading Secrets in the Glass first and feel Aftermath keeps Carter Island on the map.

I voluntarily reviewed a free copy of Aftermath by Cate Beauman.

4 Stars

OF THE CARTER ISLAND NOVELS SERIES

SECRETS HIDDEN IN THE GLASS

The Carter Island Novels, Book 1

MY REVIEW

Secrets Hidden in the Glass is a looooong book and I have a lot to say. Once I started, I only put it down to eat, use the facilities, and sleep. The characters quickly became my friends and I went on one hell of a ride, filled with danger and suspense. It has so many elements I love in a book, my page and a half of notes is going to have to be severely edited.

Callie desperately needed a vacation and felt the magical affects of the island her first day there. She was in desperate need of sleep and it found her as soon as she sat down. She awoke more refreshed than she had felt for months.

She had already met the sheriff and, like the island, she felt an immediate attraction when he poked his head out from under the sink he was fixing in the home she was renting. He felt the attraction too and, seeing he was her landlord and neighbor, felt he would have many opportunities to get to know her better.

Callie is an artist, working in stained glass, and fame has not been kind to her. She prefers spending her time working on her art to hobnobbing with those who want a piece of her. She built a very high wall to protect herself.

Nate slowly dries the mortar that holds the wall,allowing it to fall and the light, along with her emotions were coming out in a slow way, relaxing in the small moments of getting to know someone. She steps outside herself not knowing why, just that it felt right. Their romance is a slow build with many uncertainties and danger.

The island life was what she needed. The people are real, easy going and not overbearing, even though they know she is famous, though she has no idea they know and is surprised by it when she finds out. All this reminds me soooo much of Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket.

Callie is relaxed, happy, but knowing Cate Beauman this is foreplay for the danger lurking in the background. I keep waiting and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. The slow, subtle buildup is spent getting to know everyone, including the dark memories that put a bullseye on Callie. It does get hot and heavy, but not in the ‘I like you, let’s do it” manner.

I am soooo curious how she came to be abandoned at four years old. She has all the issues that go along with it. That explains why she holds people at a distance.

...love and attachment meant fear and pain for Callie.

When Callie’s adopted mom told Nate that as a child she would get up in the night and sleep in front of the door so she would know if they tried to leave her, it broke my heart. It’s the little details that Cate Beauman adds to the story that allows me to SEE what is happening.

“It crossed my mind to knock him out a couple of times, but then I would have needed to arrest myself…” says Nate.

Be prepared for tears, laughter, passion, danger, and hours of nonstop reading, because Secrets Hidden in the Glass by Cate Beauman is the complete package. I am BLOWN AWAY.

I voluntarily reviewed a free copy of Secrets Hidden in the Glass by Cate Beauman.

5 Stars

ENTER THE GIVEAWAY HERE

MY REVIEWS FOR CATE BEAUMAN

The Bodyguards of LA County Series (all the books can stand alone)

Morgan’s Hunter, Book I

Falling For Sarah, Book II

Hailey’s Truth, Book III

Forever Alexa, Book IV

Waiting For Wren, Book V

Justice For Abby, Book VI

Saving Sophie, Book VII

Reagan’s Redemption, Book VIII

Answers For Julie, Book IX

You can see my Giveaways HERE.

You can see my Reviews HERE.

If you like what you see, why don’t you follow me?

Leave your link in the comments and I will drop by to see what’s shakin’.

I’m an Amazon affiliate/product images are linked.

Thanks for visiting!

#cate beauman #series #the carter island novels #mystery #romance #suspense and thriller fiction #read in 2020 #4 star review #5 star review

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dustandthunder · 6 years ago

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ive had a lovely few days.

almost everyone is back in the flat now which is cool, feels like forever since I’ve seen them.

Gina and I went to the gym and then I had an assignment to do so Scott came to my room to do it. We FaceTimed Jaz which was awesome cause I haven’t seen her in ages and ages. And then Gina and Shannon came in too while we were doing the work (I use ‘we’ very loosely, i didn’t understand anything so Scott did mine for me). The three of them sat on my bed and I sat in the desk chair and Jaz was in the phone and it was so cool. Scott only got 50 % on my test but I don’t really care. I did ok in the other assignments for that module so hopefully it won’t make too much difference. Pretty sure I’ll pass regardless anyway (I hope so haha)

Anyway, while Scott was doing the tests, I was doing my makeup cause matt was coming to visit!

The night before we were talking until pretty late. He’d had the day off cause it was Sunday and was on early yesterday so he had to be up at 4 in the morning, but because he’s been on lates a lot recently he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep until around 3. And of course I don’t like to sleep when I could be talking to him so I stayed up too. It was one of those nights where we discuss old stuff and he asks all the questions because we can do that now and it’s ok because we’re over all the shit things and it’s not awkward at all (literally nothing is awkward between us I don’t know why I even needed to say that). But we were talking on FaceTime for ages and I said he should come and see me after work tomorrow (which is now yesterday if that makes sense) cause he finished at 2 and then had the next day (now today) off, and the day after (now tomorrow) he’s on late. So it worked pretty perfectly really !! And he was like yes sounds like a plan .... so yay !

He got here literally as soon as I was done, oddly perfect timing really haha. I was so excited to see him :) it was so lovely, I’m so sad now cause I’m writing this after he’s left and I feel so lonely again haha. Not like properly lonely, just weird cause I’m sat in my room on my own now and it’s all tidy, when earlier all of his stuff was everywhere and my mattress and the air bed were on the floor and there were pillows and duvets and blankets and cushions all over (cause we always make a double bed on the floor and push the single bed frame on its side against the wall cause it’s too small for both of us). Feels like a really awesome sleepover. I guess that’s literally what it is anyway but you know what I mean.

So anyway last night we made the makeshift bed on the floor and then we went out for dinner. We went to this cool place not too far away which is like an American diner and grill. I’ve noticed it before but we’ve never been. It was so lovely inside, with all the booths and red and cream upholstery and Coca Cola fridges and neon tube lights and a big motorbike hanging from the ceiling. It was pretty empty, only two other tables of people. That was nice too, cause I could take photos and have a proper look at it without looking accidentally at people . Haha. The food was good too I would definitely go there again, although it was quite a lot . I think my stomach wasn’t used to a big meal because I haven’t really eaten in a week or so. It was still amazing though. Afterwards it was getting dark but we went for a drive like we always do and we listened to soft songs and it was so nice to be back together, even though it’s not even been very long.

Side note here: I feel so clingy because I miss him so so so much and it’s crazy how much I want his constant company, I hope it’s normal haha. I just really love him to a point I didn’t even realise was possible, and I’m so grateful for every second. I really can’t help being so soppy.

We drove through the mountains and we parked in the lay-by that we always do and we talked about how the new car he’ll get has a retractable glass roof so we can do this sort of thing and look at the stars. I think with that roof I would really want to kneel or stand on the seats and be half way out of the car while he drove, like Sam does in The Perks of being a Wallflower. And listen to stevie nicks singing landslide and maybe cry too, because I’m thinking about that now and it’s making me get a tight chest.

I mean that’s pretty illegal anyway, so maybe not. I’ll settle for holding my hands up through the roof and singing along with Matt and smiling like crazy and him holding my thigh and grinning at me in a way that still makes me cry. Why is my go to thing crying. Everything makes me cry. That sounds amazing anyway.

We sat there in the car for a while. The air was really still and pretty warm compared to what you would think it should have been. There was no signal there so we were listening to the shit on the radio and I had my head on his collar. Perfect nights man

Then we drove back, going too fast as always, and it was pitch black so you could just see the mountaintops either side and I called my mom and it was just great.

Matt was tired so we didn’t go to sleep too late really, he was completely gone by half midnight. I was sleepy but still awake, just listening to his breathing and kissing his shoulder blades and feeling the warmth. god tonight is gonna be shit being back on my own again. I was thinking earlier, in some ways i think it’d be better to not visit because it makes it a million times harder to readjust after yknow ? But at the same time I’d definitely rather deal with that than not see him. I can’t wait til it’s just very single night. I mean it is every single night when I’m back there but I always have to come back to uni. Summer will be good though. Going to work or whatever every day then coming home to falling back into bed next to him. I feel like I sound like one of those people who puts on social media about how their dream is to have a husband and a ton of children and just make it their life to look after them all and never have anything for them self. Haha . (Not that i have a problem with those people at all). But I’m just saying it’ll be nice to have such a long period of not being away.

We got up pretty late, obviously he hadn’t slept the night before so it was understandable, although I was getting pretty restless. We didn’t do too much today. We just went to a town further along the coast and got lunch and went around there for a while. There were lots of sweet dogs everywhere :)))

Talking of dogs, Matt and I have finally decided what dogs were gonna try n get when we have our own place. To be honest this may well not happen but as of now it’s the plan, so @ future me, don’t hold me to this. Ok so we’ve decided we’re going to have three, a Labrador because they’re just lovely, a lil spaniel like Lexie because she’s adorable and I can’t imagine life without her now, and a little sausage dog because we both love them so much. I hope we can rescue some that would be amazing :)

Oh also, when we were walking from my place to matts car, we just randomly saw matts cousin. So weird, turns out he goes to my uni and he lives on my accommodation site ??? Matt had no idea, we just saw him out of the blue. I’ve never met him before I had no idea who he was cause when their family all went to their grandparents at Christmas he didn’t go cause he was ill so I didn’t see him. He’s two years older than me but he’s in first year apparently. How crazy... small world haha.

After we got back from that place, we were going to go to the beach we always go to, but we forgot and came back to my flat. We just got back in bed and cuddled for agessssss with the curtains drawn so it was all dark.

I didn’t want him to go. Obviously. I always get pretty sad when he leaves but hey its only a few weeks now til I’m done with the first year ! That’s so mad honestly . Every single day I tick the date off of the calendar poster I have on my wall, and as of tomorrow I’ll be in the last month .

Anyway, I walked him to the car and helped carry his things down. And then he was gone ! (After a looooong hug) :(

He’s home now, back safe thank fuck. Scares the shit out of me everytime he drives pretty much anywhere that I’m not with him. But he’s ok, so I am too.

After he went I played monopoly with Gina and Shannon, and Gina and I went to do laundry. She paid mine again. She’s always like yeah no worries I’ll pay and I’m just like ???? Thank you so much. It’s not like i couldn’t pay myself but she just insists that she’s got it. Really so grateful .

Right now, like I said, I’m sat on my bed on my own. Matt keeps sending me photos of the dog, she’s so cute. I’m pretty tired, it’s after midnight. I need to take what’s left of my makeup off and go to bed.

It’s been a nice few days, and much as I’m a bit sad now, I am appreciative and happy for that.

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kittytishers · 8 years ago

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I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR AK TAG SO ALL THE ONES YOU DIDN'T DO YET PLS

gdi spacey

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? uhhhh id be pretty fuckin weirded out but considering he lives in georgia id just be like “FIRST OF ALL HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE?????” but like why would i be naked anyways thats the real question who sleeps without their pjs?? dont answer that please i beg

2. What’s going on between you and the last person living being you kissed? He’s pretty sick so we’re taking him to the vet today :(

3. If your significant other was into drugs, would you care? depends on the drugs. if they were into weed id want in on some obvi but anything else and id just be eeeehhhhh naaaaahhhh

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? how does 11 letters sound?

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? ive never been drunk in my life so take a wild guess

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? nope.

7. What does your last received text say? “Ooh”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person living being you kissed? more than i can count -w-

9. Where was your last kiss at? in my house because we both live there

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? This monday before she headed off to disneyland for her honeymoon!!

11. What do you drink in the morning? milk because its in my cereal

12. Where did you sleep last night? my fuckin bed -.-

13. Do you think relationships are hard? i think with the right person it shouldn’t be that bad.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? i wouldve done a different story for my creative writing project

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person living being you kissed, any problems? he’s sick so that would be bad :(

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? sunny

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? lol nah

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? PAJAMA SHORTS HAHAH

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? I hope so

20. Does anyone like you? Not that i know of

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? nope

22. Is the last person living being you kissed gay? I mean he’s neutered so technically he’s ace

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? the guy who sits behind me in english -.-

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? yeah. proll ynot gonna tho

25. In the past week have you cried? probably

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? my dog is an english springer spaniel so

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? out of the shower duh

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? HAHAHAHAH

29. Do you think you’re old? if i think im old i cant call my friends old so im just gonna say no

30. Do you like text messaging? yup

31. What type of day are you having? S T RE SS

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? no but i like how it looks on other people

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? cold because SWEATERS

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Three! @pseudonymouslps @celestialbomber and @luciferhimshelf!!! they are all great btw follow them if you arent already

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? i want a relationship first and then ill figure out how i feel about flings

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? is anyone a simple person???

37. What song are you listening to? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etb0xDIFXR4

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? yeah of course.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? @2cutepandasian knows a lot i think. she is my first mother after all40. What made you start liking the person you like now? i mean i don’t have a person i like rn so41. When did you last receive a text message? not quite sure. all i know is the convo started like 6 am my time lmao42. What is wrong with you right now? everyhting???43. How well do you know the last female you texted? my mom continues to confuse me -.-44. Does anyone disgust you? my dog sometimes45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? DEPENDS ON THE PERSON I GUESS??? IDK I THINK ITD BE KINDA WEIRD46. Are you in a good mood right now? i guess so47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? mi madre48. What color shirt are you wearing? black likE MY SOUL49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? i dont want to hear anything my mom says tbh50. Anyone you’re giving up on? nah51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? lol i didn’t really fall for anyone

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? no i dont like giving up on people wtf???53. Do you like rain? im an ml fanatic of COURSE 54. Do you care if your significant other drinks? at this age? yeah. when im older than 18 i wont give a fuck55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? yeah thats always how it goes 56. Do you like to cuddle? HWO DOESNT??57. Are you shy? not shy just unwilling to engage in conversation with people i dont know or carea bout 58. Do you get along with girls? i get along with anyone i want to59. Have you dated the person you texted last? he’s 5 years older than me ew no like god hes like a brother to me but to date him no wtf??? 60. What do you carry with you at all times? a hair tie and my phone 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? hells yeah. the two outcomes are death or living life rich its a win-win 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? i mean i hope so 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? HAHAHAHAHHAHA 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? i dont like anyone right now but the person i liked a lil while back,,, yeah its be adoarble..;l.,,65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? i mean i saw my sister get married like if that isnt cute then idk what else is

66. How old are the last three people living beings you kissed? 4 and 10

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? dude nail salons are the best but i can make my own nails i dont really care68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? animal print in general is lowkey trashy imo69. Do you have any stickers on your car? dont have a car lolol70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? who??71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone? iphone fuck yeah 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? looooong time73. Do you like diet soda? never had any so i cant say74. What color are the walls in your room? white75. Are you 16 or older? nope but next year76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no77. Do you have a job? no 78. What are your initials? LZ80. Are you from the south? I’m from SoCal but not The South™

81. What does your last status on facebook say? facebook thats cute82. Do you still talk to the first person living being you ever kissed? of course how else will i yell at him to stop fucking with my shit?83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? dad definitely84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? ive done gymnastics before yeah85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? Hidden Figures87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? im in a flip flop mood rn. ive been wearing heels all weekend -.-88. Is your phone touch screen? yeah90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? no where tf would i go91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? pool please i dont appreciate fish feces being on my body92. Have you ever made out in a car? HAH i wish93. …Had sex in a car? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA94. Are you single or in a relationship? take a wild guess based on previous questions its not that hard to figure out i promise95. What were you doing last night at midnight? screaming at myself to FINISH THE DAMN PAPER96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 4th o july97. Do you like the camera on your phone? it serves its purpose98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? nope99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? nope100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? youre asking as if facebook is still relevent101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? im 15 and ive never had sex in my life. no.102. Name your favorite Kesha song: WAKA WAKA103. Do you have any tan lines right now? no but its getting warmer so soonthaank god this bs is over. i wish i could say i hate you but i dont lie

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