#ive had this blog for 5 YEARS
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excuse me what
this doesn't feel right
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Recognizing Early Signs of Mental Illness
#fe3h#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#thats all it gets tagged as. if you see it then you were meant to see it.#txt post#side note while im in the tags no one looks at#im not too big a fan of the way people call his untreated psychosis as him being feral#its not a ground breaking take with the last 5 years of the game existing but ive only beem into fe3h for a year and its my blog#so I get to talk about it#like yes I understand its because he's likened to a Feral Boar charging ahead with destruction in its path and no brains etc etc#whatever felix said#but the way fans take that and really focus on calling an unhoused man with unresolved childhood ptsd haunting him for life feral?#the way fans take that and call a guy whos psychotic breakdown went untreated for 5 years feral?#REALLY doesnt sit well with me#idk im not the sort to be like “he didnt mean to murder this isnt him 🥺” because he did do that. a lot of that.#But people do things they dont want to do all the time when given the right mental state for it#Do you see people on the streets talking to themselves and shouting at the air and call them feral?#the ones you can smell from 6 feet away? the ones who have a crust on their hands and hair stiff from not having access to a proper shower?#the ones that havent had access to help or medication? Do you call them feral? Do you extend a hand or even look in their direction?#I'm rambling by this point. tldr mental health awareness and be kind to one another#and also to be careful and use your best judgement when helping because I stopped for an older woman asking for help#and she almost stabbed me in an empty parking lot#not my brightest moment
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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this is so embarrassing i can't believe that the thing that brought me back to posting on tumblr was LISA FRANKENSTEIN AND COLE SPROUSE...in the future they couldn't waterboard this out of me...
#lisa frankenstein#cole sprouse#kathryn newton#daddy's home guys#(i have 5 followers)#oh also ive gotten into goth and punk now!#can't believe i've had this blog since i was 12...#goth girl#goth movies#gothgoth#gothcore#gothic#goth#movies#cinema#i am the stereotype of a 16 year old girl
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been reblogging that post for four years. it may be considered self centered to think op could recongize my url at this point. but i hope if they do they just mumble "not this guy again"
#keeping that video alive with both my hands. GRIPPED#oh my god ive had this blog description for 4 years too? almost 5 is 3 months#sickening?
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Not once have I ever dreamed about going to school after graduation, but I do have a concerning amount of dreams where I'm back in my childhood home that I lived in for the first 18 years of my life (that my parents sold right after my first christmas at uni), and honestly that fucks me in an entirely different way.
#people talk about school dreams being anxiety and nightmare inducing#but every childhood home dream ive had comes with a profound sense of mourning after#they built it right after i was born. not even 5 years have passed. as far as i can tell me and that house are one#it wasnt a big house but it was a nice one#we drove by it recently when visiting friends and my mom lamented how out of control her rose bushes got#thats what she called them. not the rose bushes. her rose bushes. they're hers.#there was a gap in our back fence that the entire neighborhood used. we lived in a cul de sac#and there was no other connection to the road behind us for a while#so everyone used it. we saw many people walking by. said hi to the lot of them#the people after us closed it right up.#did i make this post before? idk i searched ''dream'' on my blog and it wasnt there if i did
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played too much skyrim i feel ill now
#i understand that one famous actor guy whos name i forgot who had oblivion addiction. i mean like ive had an elder scrolls side blog for#like 5 years at least now so i knew but those games do something evil to you when you start playing them#one day your normal the next day morrowind oblivion or skyrim have infected you
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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does anyone else feel like they need to Make Fan Content That Is Also Good And Interesting in order to make/keep internet friends so as to be worth other people’s time
#the internet is one big networking tool#genuine question because like. i know it’s unhealthy but i also feel like that’s kind of the economy created by the internet#i’m not advocating it and i’m also not trying to be self-deprecating#i was never great at art and i haven’t posted anything i’ve written in like 5 years#like for example. i put off making a dragon age blog for a while bc i don’t Do anything. even now that ive made it i feel like i don’t have#a leg to stand on to talk to my mutuals. we are always competing for attention on the internet#i’ve known a few people where like. i thought we were actual friends and not just fandom colleagues but i always felt like i had fo Prove I#Was Talented to keep them interested and like. again not healthy but i’m wondering how common that is#maybe that is just fandom colleague behavior and i misread the situation but uh#also to be clear i’m not trying to like. blame anyone or victimize myself#i’m mostly curious because i have seen people talk about how making friends on the internet is so much easier and i’m wondering#where that idea came from. bc i still think it’s hard. but i wonder if it’s easier if you’re one already posting Original And Interesting#Content. i mostly just make memes and meta at this point and it doesn’t get a lot of attention. which is fine#i’ve just found it markedly harder to meet people since i switched tacks#one of the reasons i burned out tbh. among other things. i’ve been picking writing up again but i don’t post anymore#honestly realizing this has probably bitten me in the ass before bc i’ve had friends who share stuff they’re proud of and i don’t jump on it#bc to me i’m trying to be like ‘you don’t have to prove yourself to me. i like you as a person’#but probably comes off like ‘i don’t care about the things you care about’. hm#mine
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Benny Boy recording his album! Wish them folks were right about 2012... Smelling the unemployment
#ben barnes#the worst benny boy updates blog#and dont forget to buy the limited edition signed ep!!!#its on the store for only two years now so it can sell out any minute now#also love that he HAD TO say that the guy he pays to play for him#also play for maroon 5#like ye can tell he was buzzing about this#xd yeee like benny babe ive been paying to use the stuff from IMSS but that does not make me a professor#nor it makes me results good xd#the i pay for it is crucial here xd#he probably thinks himself adam l.#well they both like them girls young ✔#levine been cheating on his wife and she stayed anyway#benny was the other man and jules got divorced but left benny in the gutter anyways...#so kinda check for the cheating xd#m5 got couple of popular wedding songs#benny got insurance claims for damaging people hearing
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My kitten baby a few summer ago, chillin on a copy of Mary Oliver’s Devotions
You and I will always be back then 💖
#okay just a warning im going to talk about sad stuff now#cw pet loss#so he passed away unexpectedly on tuesday#:(#i was crying so hard that I had to skip one of my classes#i emailed the professor for my next class basically like ‘uh hey im coming to class but i might cry’#he never responded to it which is awkward but the least of my worries#anyway I definitely saw this cat being part of my future for the next ten years of my life at least#he was the sweetest cat ive ever met#my bf and i found him one day in 2019 roaming the neighborhood. he was really skinny so we fed him.#we realized he was really friendly and affectionate so we just had to take him in#this cat helped me through the deaths of family members covid and just everything I’ve struggled with in the past 5 years#and whenever we had friends over he liked to sit in the middle of all of us. he just loved hanging out with us#also my nephew is almost 4 now and has a speech delay. he cant say many words#but he can say ‘kitty’ because of how much he loves this cat#he was my best friend and there’s never going to be another cat like him#anyway sorry my blog is slowly morphing into something much more personal than just a literature blog#but idk i think it’s important to express grief and grapple with the realities of death#and i just wanted to memorialize my little buddy
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Sorry I'm crazy about polls but my autistically flavored brain thought up of 2 more and the shipping one isn't even over yet. Please help
#*not joking about the autism i suffer every hour of every day. every morning i break my legs. and every afternoon i break my arms-#i have like 8 polls on this blog already i need to be stopped#but i swear i wanna make a poll of how old everyone thinks their wizard oc/self insert to be#and i havent even posted my personal lore headcanons yet. theres like 6 of those#have you guys ever had like 800 good ideas in your head for like 5 years because you have no mtoivation to post them. thats whats happening#if anyones interested i actually will#actually no nvm. i will post my shit even if no one cares because im Silly likw that#completely unrelated: i want to talk about morganthe x adult wizard bc people have been tagging that under my poll and i love it??????#i wanna def talk about that#and maybe make another poll with all the npcs ive forgotten- (gets shot)#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts
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bitching abt homophobia n shit at my job in the tags o7 happy pride
#so i voluenteer at a library n work there through a 3rd party job center over the summer. ive volunteered there for like 5 yrs so i know --#--the staff there p well#anyway yeah so like last year our pride display got taken down bc someone complained. our director didnt really contest this.#our pride display got taken down again. this time with the board threatening to cut funding if we put it back up.#no contesting yet again#its literally just the corner of a 3 sided display podium with some gay books or whatever#some guy comes in and tears up our lgbt author rec list. the director removes those as well#there r 2 bi clerks and one genderqueer clerk and me! the fag gopher and she still doesnt feel it pertinent 2 stick up for the ppl who--#work there#or maybe she does right? like i want to believe she does bc ive known her for 5 maybe 6 actually years. ive gone to christmas--#parties at her house. shes been someone i can count on before and yet here she is letting us all down#bc its not just me or the gay ppl who work there right its for the ppl in my shitty fucking southern town who have basic common decency#shes someone i thought was some kind of ally HAHAH...like that term feels lame but#.....yeah yknow?#she even said shed be moving picture books with gay parents and shit into a quote quote adult matters section into the juvenile section#i assume on request of the board bc obvs being trans or gay or whatever is of course an adult matter that will taint our beautiful little#tow headed bastards#we even had the guy who requested the pride display be taken down come in today and CHECK to make sure no faggy books were out#ive been very angry about it and i just need to ...spit it up somewhere. maybe a transformers blog isnt the best place for it but whatever.#sorry about my language lol.#shes my boss and its going to be a real issue for me bc she laughed saying id have to start cleaning bathrooms this year and i legitimately#--nearly had to leave the room. like haha really funny. glad you can laugh about shit. did you know im a fucking queer.
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so i officially have a 1k note post on this blog. and it's the cat hannibal one
#i've had posts with more notes but they were on my minecraft blog many a year ago aldjfkls#hell ive had a post on the minecraft blog that one of my irl friends at the time saw#i said it out loud to her once and she said “i saw that on tumblr” and i had to be like. yea that was me#that was ... like 5 years ago now#crazy how time#Dr. Chilton's Hard Drive (D:)
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before i pass out for the night. since my brain is back on dan and phil as if its 2016 or something i need to put this out into the world. this isnt some sort of important life changing post, just a personal funny thing
so when i was 13 and fixating on dan and phil, i read a lot of fanfics. like, i guarantee that even after all these years that, if i had the statistics, that fandom was the one i read the most fanfics for and constantly. i couldnt tell you what nearly any of them were about, and i have a feeling that many of them are probably lost to time by now. i also dont know if i need to mention that yeah, a lot of them were shipping, and yes ive long grown out of that. (the dnp fandom is actually what made me grow out of that)
anyway all this to say that over the last 6 years after i stopped fixating on dan and phil, one fanfic stuck with me and i just. i think about it every once in a while. its been over half a decade. it wasnt a groundbreaking fic, i dont remember any quotes or specifics, just the premise as of at least the first few chapters. idk why it stuck with me
it was literally a fic about. if the world had gotten to a point where almost every child was born as like, a science baby instead of a natural baby, and phil was a science baby, but dan was a natural baby. and there was somehow this like, thing where the science babies would bully the natural babies for some reason idek, and this was a highschool setting and i think dan was a new kid in school. and what gets me about the fic is that dan was some small shy scared kid and phil was some mean jerk bully. and how wild that is compared to how they are in real life
this isnt me trying to find the fic or the person who wrote it or any of that, this is literally just. i remember this fic at least once every few months and i needed to get it out of my brain somewhere
#there are few fics that i remember several years after i read them the first time. this is one of them#depressingly. some of the fics that are on that list are most definitely gone by now#there was one in the vt fandom i still think about 6 years later that i loved. but the person who wrote it hated it :[#the others that are on that list off the top of my head are the hlvrai mermaid fic and the hlvrai alien weed fic#my brain latches onto the most random fics to remember forever lol#my post#dan and phil#<- tagging for blog purposes. not because i want people to see this#if you see this post. good for you i guess ajfjshd#bur seriously if you know the fic/author of what im talking about. i mean itd be neat to find it again. but dont bother them yknow#its also wild how thats like. such a dystopian novel premise. not in a bad way just a neutral way#i love the premises that people come up with for fanfiction. like. ANYTHING can be a fanfic premise and i find that so magical#i had a fanfic premise that was originally meant to be a dnp fanfic that ive long since changed to be an original thing lol#and its... a weird premise lol. at least i think so#anyway since this is the bottom of the tags and no ones going to read this. i gotta say i have so many thoughts on dnp fanfic culture#and my personal relationship with it which i think. my personal relationship with it was heavily influenced by me being like.#transmasc + mlm but not knowing either yet and how wild that is to look back on#its why i love that one meme pic thats like. 'straight girls who fetishize mlm look like this in 5 years' and it shows a pic of jessie#jessie from breaking bad sorry the tag length ran out#but anyway im not gonna make full posts about that. just wanted to mention it somewhere lol
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Aru Akise for the Character Opinion Bingo
AKISE !?!??!?!?!?!!?
I LOOOOOVE AKISE... ALL TIME FAVE CHARACTER EVERRRRR my 14 year old self was sooooo in love with him you have no idea. i was thriving off the akise-centric manga (thank god his popularity was so good the mangaka decided to make a whole spin off for him its super super fun!)
TBH he probably serves as the basis for a LOT of my fave characters nowadays too. If you're a detective, a white hair character, smart, OR you're going to die, I will glue my eyeballs on you :)
#answered#god yeah also my 14 year old self had a terrible detective phase because of him it was so fucking funny. i sure tried LOL#anyways ive rewatched this series ~5 times? (i watched it once a year during high school bc i was too obsessed with it and akise)#and like once in undergrad.#i think everytime i DID id always stop once akise died LOL#i was like 'hm best parts over. seeya'#also my props go to english dub akise because he won my heart with the 'hey there hotstuff' at age 14 like who the FUCK 😭😭#!!!! anyways that made me so excited ;; v;; thanks for sending him in!!! missed thinking of him!!!#HE HAS ANOTHER LINE IN THE ENG DUB THAT I CANT GET OVER BUT I FORGOT IT IM MAAAAAAD ENRAGED EVEN >:((((((#also im pretty sure i started using tumblr bc there were so many future diary blogs askdjfakldsjhl#if that tellsyou anything about how fixated i was on the series#zorua adorable
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