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lalacliffthorne · 2 years ago

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💜 starshine pt. III 💜

Rhysand x Reader

part I part II part III part IV part V part VI

notes: literally no summary possible without intense spoilers. you'll probably be able to guess what this chapter entails by just like the first few sentences (btw, it's been ages since I've read the books, so I'm working on a lot of creative freedom lol). fair warning: this one's angsty. like I already mentioned, it's also insanely long. so. have fun? I guess?

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Slipping through the wards felt like a tingle of ice on my skin. My breath hitched, and for a second, I expected the mountain to cave in on me, squash me as it realized someone had breached the magic binding so many to its halls.

But nothing happened.

The servant fae's dress slipped up my thighs when I slid into the dark corridors. I had caught her when she had lingered too close to the wards, golden whisps of magic seeping through the bounds and engulfing her, catching her when she fell into a deep, dreamless slumber. I had swapped our clothes before hiding her floating body behind a glamour and slipping into the dark mountain.

Something closed around my throat as I moved silently through the shadows, stilling every time I heard a sound.

Fifty years.

Fifty years of chipping away at the wards guarding the mountain, little by little so no one would notice the small growing hole in the thickly woven magic. Fifty years of trying to be everywhere at once, moving through the courts, healing those in need before slipping away before anyone could notice. Fifty years of faeries slaughtered in numbers becoming bigger and bigger, causing rage to grow slowly in my chest.

Fifty years of dreaming of violet eyes like night skies.

I remembered the day Amarantha had caught them all like it was only yesterday.

I had been staying in the Day Court, and from one second to the next, the warm summer night had turned cold. A darkness had placed itself over the world, the faeries in the garden had disappeared and the glow of the flowers had dimmed. An icy shiver had run down my spine, and like instinct, I had reached out for Rhys, for that familiar feeling that was always not far from the bounds of my mind, the sharp claws that tickled my soul before the deep, rich voice echoed through my head, even when their owner was on the other side of Prythian.

But there had been no answer. No familiar presence, not even when I had called out to him. Instead, there was only a harsh wall, like something, or someone, was keeping him hidden.

I had started looking for him the same night.

☆

Moving through the halls deeper into the mountain, I followed the tug in my chest that pulled me forward, guiding me towards the hum of power. My own responded, rising under my ribs and slithering angrily under my skin, and I pushed it down, barricading it behind walls as high as the sky.

I had learned to hide the thrum of power flooding through me a long time ago. It was what kept me hidden in the courts, allowed me to exist without anyone bothering me.

Strangely enough, it had never kept Rhys from finding me, like even the way my powers were hidden was distinct enough for him to track me down. When I had brought it up once, he had just grinned so widely, his cheeks had creased as he replied: “Starshine, I would be able to find you on nothing but instinct even if you were galaxies away.”

Back then, it had made something skip softly against my ribs as I had thrown a pillow at his head.

Now, just the memory of his voice caused a strange ache in my chest.

Amarantha had taken Rhys away from his family, his home. And I was sure that the only reason he was still alive was that he was playing her game, bowing to her, was to protect them.

If he's still alive.

My breath trembled, and I pushed the thought away with a force that shook me.

No. Rhys was here. I knew it. He was too important, too powerful for Amarantha to not want him on her side. And he was too smart, too cunning, to not use that to his advantage.

If there was one thing I had learned about Rhys in the past century, it was that his friends, his family and his home were everything to him. And that he would do anything to keep them safe.

Even give himself up.

Besides. If anything had happened to him - I would have felt it.

The tightness in my chest shifted, like for a second, something brushed the surface, a familiar presence growing closer, and my heart leapt against my ribs.

He was here. Within reach. And there was no way I was going to let her break him.

Not him.

☆

The whispers from Under the Mountain had been vague, but with time, they had started to paint a picture, blurred and hazy, but clear enough to know that Amarantha had a fable for lavish nights with wine and entertainment.

I had expected that entertainment to be cruel. I had spent the last fifty years trying to protect the faeries, for Amarantha seemed to have developed a taste for keeping them like animals, all while hearing rumors about the Fae trapped Under the Mountain, forced to bow to her will.

But what was awaiting me when I slipped through the doors into the huge cavernous hall, the stench of spirits hitting me, pressing the air from my lungs – was so much worse.

There were Fae everywhere, dressed in a way that left little to the imagination. Their gazes ranged from empty to forcingly amused to petrified, but their bodies moved like they were in a trance, not their own will causing them to dance, grind on each other and do more, in plain sight for all to see.

It felt like a sick, twisted stage play, orchestrated for nothing but the embarassement and torture of the courts and for one single person's amusement, one person who loomed on a dais at the back wall, sitting on a throne, dressed from head to toe in blood red.

My eyes zeroed in, and my powers surged against the walls caging them in.

Amarantha had tipped her head to the side, the golden crown on her head glittering in the light of the torches as she watched the spectacle at the foot of the dais. Her red hair flowed over her shoulders, her long nails tapping against the armrests. There was a curve to her lips, like faint amusement, but her eyes were cold and calculating.

Somehow reigning in the magic raging under my skin, I pressed my lips together and followed her piercing gaze, down to the steps leading up to the dais -

And the wind got knocked out of my lungs.

The noises, the hall around me faded as something pulsed slowly against my ribs, my heart beating like the wings of a butterfly caught in time, trying to escape from my chest as my gaze narrowed in until it was centered on the male at the foot of the dais, a picture of lazy feline confidence so familiar, I had to fight for air.

Rhys.

Suddenly, the past fifty years caught up with me. Fifty years of his face burned into my mind, his smile and the way his violet eyes twinkled like a glittering night sky.

Only it was gone now. The spark in his iris, the vibrancy of his eyes. His inky dark hair, though still impeccably styled, had lost its shine, his sunkissed skin was pale and sallow, and his smile –

Something tightened so harshly in my chest, my breath caught.

Gone was the cheeky curve of his lips, the mischievous turn of his grin and that stupidly beautiful smile that reached all the way up to his eyes.

Even when it had promised violence and bloodshed and broken bones, it always translated to the look in his eyes, to the spark in his iris, angry or furious.

Only it didn't anymore. It had been replaced by a smirk, on that was cold and cruel and empty.

I tried to swallow, fight against the way something closed around my throat when I stared at Rhys and his eyes, dull and unmoving as he gazed down onto the small heap at his feet.

My breath stilled, and the grip around my throat changed to vice.

It was a sprite boy. A Moonwing, with feathery white hair caked with dirt, milky pale skin torn and bloody over too-thin limbs, and his wings –

His wings.

A sound built at the bottom of my throat, a strangled whimper that was swallowed by the harsh noises around me.

Something clawed at my chest, a pain so heavy I almost went to my knees as I stared at what used to be thin-as-lace wings, their white membranes hanging in bloody shreds over a whipmarked back.

Quickly clamping a shaking hand over my mouth to smother the heaving sob breaking from my throat, I almost sank into the wall, my body beginning to shake. I felt something hot run over my cheek as I stared at the faerie, swaying as he tried to get to his feet without the support of his wings. His pain was mine, his despair gripping me like an iron fist, my breath trembling as my vision blurred and I whimpered.

No.

Rhysand stilled.

His shoulders shifted nearly imperceptably. Then his head rose, eyes tearing away from the fairie at his feet to swiftly move over the crowd, and for nothing more than a second, a fraction of a heartbeat, something flashed through his eyes, something that was buried so deep, it was nearly impossible to make out.

Like somehow, he felt my anguish, could sense a presence in the crowd that didn't belong.

The guards at the edge of the dais moved, and Rhys blinked. Then his eyes slipped away from the crowd, and his back straightened when a male stepped forward, staring hungrily at the Moonwing.

There was a bloody whip hanging from his hand.

My heart tightened, lips parting as nausea washed over me like a tidal wave.

But before the male could take another step, Rhys moved. His motions were quick and smooth as always when he took a step forward and picked the Moonwing up by his neck, and I could see the fairie's iridescent eyes flaring with panic as he started to struggle.

Then Rhys' hand closed around his jaw.

My heart stopped and my breath stilled when the crack of bones snapping whipped through the hall.

The Moonwing's body went limp, and his head rolled to the side.

A muscle in Rhys' cheek twitched, his face unmoving as he let the faerie slip to the ground and raised his head, turning around. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the Moonwing's lifeless body as the other male moved towards him with a scowl, gripping one of the fairie's shredded wings before he turned to drag him away from the dais and into the shadows, leaving behind a pool of blood on the stone floor.

Something hot streamed over my cheeks as I fought to breathe, and magic started to push against my skin, slowly growing until I had to keep all my focus on keeping it subdued.

My eyes rose, and a cold fist closed around my heart when Rhys sat down next to Amarantha. Her hand drifted towards him, her fingernails dragging lightly over his skin, and I could see the second his eyes clouded over like he had dragged up walls, high, high, higher as Amarantha whispered something with a smile like a viper.

Rhysand nodded once, eyes trained onto the crowd like it could hide the way his shoulders shifted like his body fought to move away.

It was all I needed to straighten my spine and breathe, something beginning to burn under my skin.

☆

I had slinked into the shadows when Amarantha had risen from her throne, Rhys following suit, though there was something in the way his eyes seemed to dull even more when he had moved after her.

I lost them in the maze of halls a few times, but something, like a small tug in my chest, kept pulling me back onto the right path, like the golden whisps of magic swirling under my skin had latched onto Rhys, guiding me.

Slipping around a corner, I just caught a glimpse at a door closing. Waiting for a few moments, just to make sure, I slowly started to move, avoiding lanterns and melting into the shadows as I soundlessly slid down the hall until I could disappear into the alcoven right next to the door.

Pressing my back against the cold stone walls, I leaned my temple against the wall and focused on the noises slipping from the room.

For a second, my mind was slow, struggling to place the muffled sounds that seemed to be a female's, harsh and strangely drawn –

My heart stilled.

I could feel my breath, ragged as I stared at the wall ahead, something suddenly filling my throat like the urge to be sick, to stagger away from that door and what was behind it.

I was already half pushing away from the wall when the wave of emotion hit me like a brick.

It felt like someone inside that room had slipped up, had lost control of what kept their feelings locked deep, deep down, because what they were doing right now was a struggle in itself, a struggle like having a hand around your throat that kept you from breathing.

I didn't know how I knew it was him. I just knew that the way his emotions vibrated under my skin, causing my knees to give out and my body to silently slide down the wall to collapse to the ground as I fought for air, was uniquely him.

Rhys was drowning.

I could feel it, feel his sense of self and his will to fight dwindling like a dying flame, like they were slowly being dragged under water. Overrun and fought to their knees by pain.

Pain that felt like ghostly fingernails running over his skin, like actions that broke apart pieces of him and caused guilt to drown him without his limbs fighting.

It was humiliation, and repulsion, and numbness. And fear.

Fear, so overwhelming and all-consuming, it wrapped around my throat like a rope, pulling tighter and tighter as I crouched frozen at the wall, tears streaming down my cheeks and something in my chest shattering silently as I squeezed my eyes shut.

I didn't know how I long I was sitting in the shadows, nor could I place the moment when Rhys' emotions slipped away like he had found the gap in his armor and patched it back up. But the remnants of them still clung to my chest, joining into a heaviness that pulled me down when I could hear movements behind the door.

Quickly and with shaking hands, I pulled myself to my feet, slipping back down the hall and into the shadows at the corner to the next, tear tracks cool against my cheeks when I watched the door open.

My heart stilled as I watched Amarantha appear in the hall, slipping her dress over her legs with a cool, satisfied smile.

Something started swirling under my skin, growing with every second. Power, golden light that raged like fire, roaring and threatening to break free, to unleash and make the mountain collapse into itself as golden light wrapped around Amarantha's throat –

Swallowing, I forced it down with trembling hands.

Not like this.

It had taken years to gather enough information, barely any whispers trickling out of the mountain. Years to figure out that she had the High Lords under her control, chained to the mountain, all while her guards wreaked havoc on the lands outside. Courts withering, faeries dying.

The children from Winter had been the last straw.

I had to find a way to free the High Lords, get back their powers. Attacking Amarantha would just risk something happening to those caught down here, or outside.

Sinking back into the shadows, I watched Amarantha disappear into the other direction. I waited until she was gone, waited some more, just to make sure. Then I slipped down the hall.

The door creaked a little when I pushed it open, and wincing softly, I hastily slipped through, closing it behind me carefully before raising my head, and my heart stilled.

Rhys was standing at the opposite wall, his bare back towards me and shoulders shifting as he tensed, going rigid. He didn't turn around when he mumbled: “Anything else?”

His deep voice took away my breath, something tightening harshly in my chest at its roughness.

He sounded defeated.

His name tumbled from my lips before I could stop it, quiet and hoarse and a little shaky.

“Rhys.”

He froze.

I watched as his shoulders straightened. He looked like he was holding his breath, his hands closing so tightly around the shirt in his hands, his knuckles turned white as he stared at the wall ahead, and for a second, I thought I could see a tremble run over his spine.

I took a step forward, whispering: “Rhys?”

His head turned ever so slightly, like he was forcing himself not to turn around but couldn't fully control his body, and I saw the moment he caught onto my scent.

His nose flared, and his limbs went utterly and fully still, like for a second, he even stopped breathing. Then he looked over his shoulder, and I stared at him, felt something surge high in my chest when his gaze found mine.

Rhys blinked, and my bottom lip trembled when his eyes became glossy, one corner of his lips curving slowly. Then he whispered, rough voice broken: “You're not real.”

My heart clenched violently, and I swallowed, staring at him through the haze of pain. Then I slowly moved towards him.

My bare feet didn't make a sound on the marble floor as I walked towards him like a wounded deer. I could feel Rhys fight the closer I got, like the instinct to reach out and the fear of reaching right through me were battling in his chest.

Halting a few inches away, stopping to keep myself from moving even though every part of me screamed at me to get closer, I swallowed before carefully reaching out a hand.

Rhys' skin was cool when my fingers brushed over his arm. My breath caught, and something rippled through Rhys' body.

His eyes snapped up from where he had watched my hand almost fearfully, flying to meet mine as his glossed over ones grew wide and his lips parted.

I sniffled, nose crunching when I tried and sent him a smile, wobbly and uneven.

“Not getting rid off me that easily, remember?”, I whispered, and Rhys' hand closed around my wrist to yank me forward, into his arms.

My heart stopped when my chest collided with his.

It felt like I was thrown into one of the dreams that had haunted me for fifty years, dreams in which he'd been there, had grinned at me and teased me and been his gloriously annoying self, dreams I had woken from with a weight on my chest pressing me down, because I could feel the memory of his presence slip through my fingers.

Only now, I didn't wake up.

There was no pressing knowledge somewhere buried in the depth of my mind that it was nothing but a dream.

Rhys was there, tall and solid as he wrapped himself around me, clinging to me like I could be ripped away from him any second, and my breath hitched when I could feel the way his body started to tremble.

Something small in my chest shattered silently, and barely suppressing a soft whimper as pressure rose in my throat, I hastily wrapped my arms around his shoulders and clung to him. Clung to him, his skin strangely cool under my mine, muscles taut as a bowstring when my fingers dug into the back of his shoulders and I held onto him for dear life, and Rhys laughed, wet and desperate and causing my chest to tighten so harshly, I hiccuped. His hands grabbed at my back, my dress, one finding its way into my hair, and I fought the heavy weight on my chest and the way my voice thickened when I whispered: “Hello.”

Rhys whimpered, his trembling fingers tightening their hold like he tried to drag me closer, like I wasn't already pressed into his chest, his breath shaking like the rest of him when he buried his face in the crook of my neck, and I could feel the second his walls broke. His chest started heaving, and something warm and wet pooled on my skin.

“I'm here.” I squeezed my eyes shut as I held onto him, feeling tears roll over my cheek as the ache in my chest spread, and my voice broke a little when I whispered: “I'm real.”

A trembling sob broke from Rhys' throat, and his fingers dug into my skin when he breathed out with a shudder that shook his body. Then he pulled back, nose pressing into my hair for a second, and when I raised my head, his hand slipped up to curl around the back of my neck and Rhys pressed his forehead against mine.

His quick, unsteady breaths hit my skin, and I forced open my eyes, staring at him and his scrunched eyebrows and the tears silently rolling over his cheeks as he fought for air.

Quickly, I slid my hands down to press them against his sides, feeling my voice crack a little when I whispered: “Breathe.”

Rhys' eyes flew open, and the world staggered when his violet iris met mine, shimmering with tears and everything shining through them, like a dam inside of him had broken.

He stared at me like I was the night sky he hadn't seen for fifty years, his fingers curling into my hair.

His eyes tracked the dried tears on my cheeks, and then his body went awfully still.

For a second, Rhys gazed down at me, his throat working as he swallowed harshly and his grip slackened a little. His eyes flickered over mine, and his voice, rough and fragile, broke a little when he mumbled: “How long have you been outside?”

I tried to breathe against the heaviness in my chest as I stared up at him, losing the fight against the way my throat closed as my vision blurred and my bottom lip wobbled.

My silence was answer enough.

Rhys' fingers twitched, and I could feel him freeze, pulling back, but I dug my fingers into his bare skin and swallowed harshly, a tear running over my cheek when I whispered, voice shaking: “I'm going to kill her.”

Rhys' eyes followed the tear, widening slightly, and suddenly, he looked panicked.

“You have to leave.”

My heart leapt high, and I dug my fingers into his sides. “Rhys –“

“You have to get out of here, if she finds you with me –“ His breath quickened, his wide eyes causing something to squeeze my heart harshly.

In over a hundred years, I had never seen him like this, so utterly and completely afraid; fear, sheer frantic panic rolling off him in waves, completely ungarded -

“Indeed.”

I could feel the way Rhys froze under my hands when my eyes flew over to the door.

Could feel the wave of his unbridled dread crash over me when the female in the door smiled, her eyes flashing and blood-red hair glimmering in the candle light.

“Now look at that…”

☆

My knees dragged over the stone floors as the guards hauled me into the great, cavernous hall, Amarantha sauntering after us, Rhys behind her as he struggled against the males containing him, his teeth bared even as I could feel, smell the panic rolling off of him.

I tried to reach him, but the powers raging under my skin were slowly slipping out of my control, roaring at the way I could feel him struggle.

“Drop her.” Amarantha waved her hand casually, raising her brows as the guards dumped me to the ground in the middle of the hall. Then she turned towards Rhys.

“You know, I really thought you'd have better taste.” Her tone was mocking, her cool smile faintly amused. “A servant… and a faerie no less.”

Rhys fought against the guards holding him, but I could see the way his movements were restrained, like she was containing him. He looked like he was vibrating with unbridled fury, but there was something burning under the surface as I forced myself to my feet, something that made my heart tighten harshly.

Amarantha tutted softly, her smile widening. Her eyes raked over Rhys' face, and they sharpened. Then she raised a brow.

“Oh.”

Something skipped high and harsh against my ribs, and one corner of her lips quirked.

“Now that's interesting. Is it possible…” She tipped her head to the side, and Rhys grew rigid.

“You care for her. Oh now, now.” Amarantha laughed, and it rung through the air. “How quaint.” She smiled widely, and it sent a shiver down my spine as her eyes danced.

“The mighty High Lord and the little faerie. I wonder…” Sauntering towards me, she reached out, her nails lightly raking over my jaw to tip it up, and I hissed at her, causing her to chuckle.

“Well, she is feisty. Still.” Her head tipped to the side, considering me like a fleck of dirt on the floor, and Rhys' struggle grew as she slowly started to smile and raised her brows mildly as she turned to look at him.

“I think you need a reminder who you belong to.”

Moving back, she lightly dipped her head, and someone kicked the back of my legs, causing them to buckle.

Sharp pain shot through my knees when I crashed to the floor, and I could feel my dress shift. Then rough hands pushed me forward and the fabric was ripped open, slipping down my back.

My heart skipped high into my throat, and I tried to reach out on instinct to cover myself, but my wrists were seized, forced away from my body.

I could hear the sound of a struggle, and when my eyes rose, Rhys was trying to tear himself away from the guards holding him, a terrifying snarl on his face.

But Amarantha simply smiled and placed a finger on her lips.

Iron shackles closed around my wrists, dragging my arms apart until I was kneeling, and my fingers started shaking as I tried to contain the magic brimming under the surface, the golden light fighting to break out to rage around me. I forced up my head, and Amarantha raised a brow.

There was movement at the corner of my eye. Then something struck my back with such force, my body was thrown forward.

Burning pain seared over my skin, and a scream forced its way from my throat.

My back arched, trying to twist away, pain pulsing through my body and leaving my muscles trembling, and Rhys roared.

With one mighty rip, he broke away from the guards trying to contain him, but before he could make it even a few feet, Amarantha struck, and Rhys crumbled to the ground.

“No!” I struggled against the iron chains, magic surging under my skin as pressure built behind my eyes and an angry sound ripped from my throat.

“How precious.” Amarantha sounded bored and a little disdainful, waving her hand as she turned away, and two guards grabbed Rhys' arms, dragging him up until he was kneeling, forcing his head up.

He was bleeding, his brow cut, but it was nothing compared to the anguish in his eyes as they found mine, wild and desperate.

Fighting against the tug in my chest, I squeezed my burning eyes shut for a second before opening them again, staring at him as my body trembled.

“I,”, my voice broke with strain, “can take it.”

Amarantha chuckled. “Oh dear.”

Another hit struck my back, the whip slashing the air and through my skin, and a low scream tore from my throat. Tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes, my breath trembling at the pain pulsing through my back and into my body, and from holding onto the whirling storm in my chest.

“I doubt it.” Amarantha's eyes were glimmering with wicked delight, and as the next lash hit my back, I forced my head up, my body shaking as I gritted my teeth and fought the tears pooling from my eyes as they found the male behind her.

My heart stilled.

Went silent in my chest at the way he stared at me, head pulled back by his hair as the guards forced him to watch me, his eyes wide, body rigid like he was gripped in an iron fist. There was something swirling in his gaze, not just anguish; pure torment, and intertwined with it was something else, something that reached so deep, I lost my breath.

No more.

The words seemed to whisper through my mind, through the fog and the pain, growing stronger as the air around me started to flimmer.

No more.

My eyes pierced into Rhys', a tremble going through my body. Then something settled in my chest.

No more.

Golden light bloomed around me as I let go. Allowed the whispers of magic to swarm me, flittering over my skin, their whispering touch gentle. I could feel the wounds close on my back, leaving nothing behind but soft, even skin.

The hum still seemed to grow, until I could feel the power in every inch of my body, pulsing and whirling, and Amarantha's voice reached me, sharp as she called to her guards: “Stop her, now -“

A wave of golden light erupted from my body.

Amarantha and the guards holding me were ripped off their feet, flung through the air, the males crashing into the walls as Amarantha slammed into the steps of the dais.

And as the ground started to tremble, the mountain itself rumbling like thunder, the shackles fell of my wrists and I pushed myself to my feet, golden swirls of magic building around me like a hurricane as rage carried me.

The doors flew open as guards streamed in, dozens and dozens more, barking orders as they took position and advanced, and power surged through my body.

The ground shook, then thick vines bursted from the stone floors. They slithered through the air, wrapping themselves around the guards and flinging them through the room, wrapping them up tight and engulfing them, their screams drowned as they turned into giant trees. Weapons turned into slithering branches, closing around their owner's arms and throats, armor grew green moss like treebark as I dodged a sword blow in a swift movement.

Arrows flying at me turned into bursts of petals as I dove and slipped the guard's sword out of his hand, slashing it over his throat in one precise movement, and another wave of magic pulsed through my body, sending a wave that tore the remaining guards off their feet, swords and armor clattering when they crashed into the walls and onto the floors.

Raising my head, I felt the light around me flimmer, illuminating the sword in my hand for another moment as I straightened, power surging through my body as the golden whisps began to disperse and I felt my breath again, quick and heavy.

Something flickered in my chest when my gaze darted over the throne room, trees growing from stone floors, their branches stretching high up the cavernous ceiling, petals drifting over the ground and unconcious guards strewn across the floor.

The rage in my chest slowly washed away, a deep exhale leaving me, and looking over my shoulder, I felt something rise in my chest.

Rhys was still kneeling on the ground, having caught himself as the guards holding him had been torn across the room. His eyes were wide as his gaze darted over the hall, then they found mine, and something skipped so harshly into my throat, I lost my breath.

Rhys was staring at me like I had ripped open the mountain to show him the stars.

Something rose in my chest, fluttering like a hurricane, and turning around, I quickly stepped over a guard's legs and held out a hand, pulling Rhys to his feet.

Slowly straightening, Rhys stared down at me, and his eyes began to twinkle in a way that made my breath catch.

"You've been holding out on me, darling."

There was a light flash of silver from the corner of my eye. I turned my head, and for a moment, time slowed.

Without thinking, I moved, the sword slipping from my hand and clattering to the ground as my fingers closed around Rhys' elbows and dragged him with me as I turned, turned until he was facing the dais and I was in the way, the way of –

Sharp pain struck my back.

I could feel my eyes widen, how time staggered just like my heart. Then hot, all consuming pain slowly spread from a point somewhere right beneath my shoulder blades.

My eyes found Rhys', and the way he stared at me, his eyes growing wide, made time fall back into place.

My knees toppled lightly when pain crashed over me like a tidal wave, and Rhys dove forward to catch me. His pupils were blown wide as a wave of panic washed over me that wasn't my own, terrifying and mindnumbing as his hands frantically moved over my body, gripping my hips, pushing up my chin.

The pulsing pain from my back seemed to slowly consume my body, and my heart stuttered.

“No.” Rhys' voice ripped its on wound through my chest, disbelieving, hollow and horrified. His eyes darted over my face, all the color draining from his features, but he looked a bit blurred, like he was drifting away from me. I tried to grab at his chest, my movements strangely slow.

“Go.” My voice sounded strained to my own ears, but I forced myself to focus on Rhys' face, trying to fight past the pain the look on his face caused in my chest. His brows twitched as his eyes, panicked and frantic, darted over my face, and I pressed: “Get. Her.”

Rhys stared at me. Then something shifted in his eyes, beginning to glow, and his head rose, a terrifying growl rumbling from his chest.

“You.”

His hands slipped away from my arms and I could feel him move past me, something skipping high in my chest as I staggered lightly, dropping to my knees.

Forcing myself to straighten, I tried to suppress a whimper when I reached my hand up my back, twisting and feeling a rough sound built in my throat at the pain the movement sent cursing through my body.

My fingers slipped over something cold, and with a pressed sound, I pulled the blade out of my body. It clattered onto the stone, and the floor swayed under my knees when for a second, black spots danced before my eyes as something hot ran over my pulsing back.

Behind me, I heard the sound of fighting, snarls that made the hairs at the back of my neck rise, and I forced my head up to look over my shoulder.

My vision swam, and my breath stilled when I heard the sound of a body hitting the ground heavily, heart rising into my throat as my eyes focused.

Rhys was kneeling on the ground before Amarantha, a sword pressed against the back of his neck as she snarled at him, hands curled into his hair, forcing his head back. I could see the fight in the strain in his shoulders, like he was battling her in his mind, but his body was trembling.

“Oh, I do like you on your knees.” Amarantha bared her teeth, and something shifted in my chest, blooming into a soundless roar as I pushed myself to my feet.

My fingers closed around the hilt of the sword I had dropped, the heavy blade beginning to glow in my grip, and Amarantha raised her head and scoffed.

“Don't be ridiculous.” She snarled as she stepped away, Rhys caught frozen, limbs trembling in a vain effort to free himself. “I posses the powers of all the High Lords of Prythian. No iron, no steel can defeat me, not even your powers. I have killed Fae for centuries.” Her eyes flickered over me, her lips curling. “You're no match for me, little faerie.”

Golden whisps of magic began to rise around me, the branches of the trees rustling with a harsh wind, the vines creaking as they slithered, bowing into my direction as I pushed myself forward towards Amarantha, magic beginning to grow under my skin until I could feel it glow.

I deflected the first blow of Amarantha's sword as it came crashing down, the force making the mountain rumble. Then I swerved to the right, blade slashing through the air as the space around us started to vibrate with power and my sword began to shine brighter and brighter with every clash against hers.

“Give up!” Amarantha's voice shook the hall like thunder. “You'll never defeat me, you're a faerie, you'll just -”

My heart rose, and the mountain sang.

When my next blow came crashing down, it splintered Amarantha's sword in two with a blast of golden power. She dropped the useless hilt, eyes growing wide as her head whipped up, and my sword sank into her chest, deeper and deeper until we were face to face.

"I'm not just any faerie,”, I whispered.

A surge of power rippled through the air when I pulled the sword from Amarantha's chest, and I could feel the wards trembling. Then they shattered, the whole mountain groaning as I whirled around and swung the sword, the blade whizzing through the air and cleanly cutting off Amarantha's head.

Blood spattered, and with a thud, the female's lifeless body dropped to the ground.

Breathing heavily, I straightened, and my sword clattered as it hit the floor. The golden shimmer around me pulled back into my body, and suddenly, the world tilted.

My knees gave out, and I would have crashed down the steps if I hadn't been caught, arms wrapping around me and a familiar scent washing over me, causing my heart to jump weakly against my ribs.

I thought I heard a voice, deep and familiar and utterly panicked, calling my name as a warm hand closed around the side of my face, shaking me. But my lids were suddenly heavy, blinking becoming harder with the second. My body felt a bit like it was beginning to float; no more pain, only a strange, calm feeling, my limbs too heavy to move.

Through the fog, I heard the voice, thick and trembling, words not quite reaching me. Then something warm pressed against my temple, nudging my cheek.

“Stay with me.”

☆

Stay with me.

My eyes opened with a flutter, and I sucked in a sharp breath.

My gaze was blurry at first, but I thought I saw a high ceiling, far above me, the branches of trees, and felt arms holding me, propping me up against a warm, solid body that suddenly grew rigid.

Blinking, I breathed out before letting my head slowly roll to the side, and my eyes met another pair.

My heart skipped softly against my ribs at the sight of violet, mixed with starlight in eyes that were gleaming with tears, widening when they found mine as their owner became completely still.

I blinked, feeling slowly seeping back into my body, and a small sound broke from the back of my throat.

“Ow,”, I mumbled softly.

Rhys stared at me. Stared from shimmering eyes that were blown wide, wet tear tracks on his cheeks. His hand cradling my jaw was trembling, and something shifted gently in my chest at the way he seemed to fight for air. Then he blinked, and the tears in his eyes welled as his lips curved and a sobbed laugh left him, deep and shaking my body as Rhys dropped his head, his arms slipping around me until he was clinging to me, holding me to his chest as he pressed his nose against my temple.

I could feel his shuddering exhale, and how tears began to soak my hair, and something rose in my chest, fluttering wildly as it surged and pressure built behind my eyes, my fingers trembling as I curled them into his arm holding me.

Rhys' grip tightened, then he lightly pulled back his head. His hand slipped to rest against the side of my neck, and my breath hitched, stumbling until it stilled when he slowly started to smile at me. Smiled brighter and brighter, wide and radiant until deep creases formed in his cheeks and his violet eyes twinkled like a sky full of stars, and his voice was quiet and a bit hoarse when Rhys whispered thickly: “Hello, starshine.”

☆

Stepping out into the cool morning air, I breathed in deeply, closing my eyes for a second.

My body was still aching a little, my head thrumming, but it was duller now, like it was slowly ebbing away. The magic under my skin was no longer raging and whirling, instead buzzing softly from the healing I had done in the past few hours, Fae and faeries alike.

The wards had come down, the second Amarantha had died. Shortly after, the doors to the hall had burst open, and Rhys had gripped me tighter when all the High Lords had stormed inside, their newly returned powers thrumming just like the one's of the male holding me.

He had reluctantly left me alone, only after several insurances that I was fine and some mildly teasing threats, his swagger returning to him as his mask slipped into place as he had joined the High Lords standing over Amarantha's body, her severed head turned towards the ceiling, her eyes staring lifelessly into the air.

Dropping my shoulders and stretching them slowly, my skin tingled gently right under my shoulder blades, and like instinct, I reached back, twisting my arm until I could brush my fingers over the spot where only a few hours ago, a dagger had nearly, maybe taken my life.

The skin was soft there now, and unblemished, as Rhys had showed me with a quick glimpse into my head.

Like there had never been any wound in the first place.

Letting my arm fall back to my side, I breathed out again.

A question for another day, when I didn't feel quite so - tired.

I turned, and my heart did a soft skip when my gaze landed on the familiar male a bit away, standing on a ledge, head tipped back as he stared up at the sky that was slowly turning from a pale blue into a soft pink.

My heart skipped, and I hesitated for a second, then I carefully stepped onto the ledge and softly called: “Rhys?”

My quiet voice carried through the cool air, and when he looked over his shoulder, my chest tightened harshly.

Tears were streaming over his face, his eyes shimmering as they reflected the sky, and I moved, darting towards him, my body colliding with his chest as my arms slipped around his shoulders.

Rhys breathed out with a shudder, and his hands closed around my waist, pulling me tightly into his body. Then he turned his head and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I could feel his tears drip onto my skin as soundless sobs left his body trembling, and my heart tightened harshly as my eyes welled.

Quickly pressing my nose against his shoulder, I let his pain wash over me, my chest aching as tears trickled over my cheeks and I buried my fingers in his hair.

By the time Rhys' sobs had faded away and the tears on my shoulder had dried as he just held me, the sun had started to rise on the horizon.

Carefully pulling back, I looked up at him, finding his eyes already on my face, raw with emotion I couldn't quite decipher.

“Go home,”, I whispered softly, and a shudder went through Rhys' body, his hands tightening their grip around my waist for a moment.

His eyes searched mine, then he blinked.

“Come with me.”

I blinked, feeling my lips part in surprise as I stared up at him. There was no hesitation in his eyes, no doubt, nothing. Just something that looked a bit like a soft, feverish plea.

I blinked, and warmth slowly spread through my body, something closing gently around my throat.

“I can't,”, I mumbled, and Rhys' grip loosened, causing me to quickly curl my fingers into his shirt.

“No, I just,”, I huffed a little, frowning at him, "not yet." Breathing out, I tipped my head to the side and sent him a soft, helpless smile. “There are still so many in there who need my help. High Fae and faeries alike. And in the courts. I can't just –“

Rhys exhaled, and my heart skipped into my throat when he dropped his head to rest his forehead against mine, his hands gently closing around my waist.

“You're awfully inconsistent, you know that?”, he whispered, and his rough voice sent a soft tingle over my skin. “You claim to not like the High Fae, and yet, you're still helping them.”

“I know.” I gently tapped my finger against his chest. “I mean, I constantly help you, what's that all about?"

Rhys huffed, and I grinned lightly before pulling back and mumbling: “They've suffered enough for a while.”

Rhys blinked, and his eyes moved over my face, something beginning to glow gently in his iris.

“Promise that when you're finished, you'll come to Velaris.”

Staring up at him, I felt my heart flutter genly against my ribs. Then I blinked and slowly smiled, soft and cheeky.

“I promise.”

Rhys' eyes flickered over mine, and something tightened in my chest, my heart skipping when I quickly said: “Promise you'll find me if you need me?”

The male's gaze moved over my face, and slowly, one corner of his lips rose, just the tiniest bit.

“Promise,”, he mumbled, his deep voice sending a soft tingle down my spine, and I breathed out, a weight slipping from my shoulders.

For a second, I stared up at him, then, before I could stop myself, I stretched to press my lips onto his cheek.

Rhys' grip around me tightened, and my heart rose into my throat when I allowed myself to linger for just a second. Then I let myself sink back to the ground, and my breath hitched when Rhys dropped his head like he was trying to follow me.

The male blinked and slowly straightened again, staring down at me, a look in his eyes that made my chest squeeze gently.

Slowly, I took a step backwards, sending him a soft, crooked smile as I lightly poked his ribs.

“Go.” Warmth spread through my chest as I raised my brows. “They've been waiting long enough.”

Rhys exhaled, a weight seeming to slip from his shoulders, and I turned around. I could feel his eyes track me as I made my way back towards the entrance in the mountain.

When I looked back before stepping through, he was gone like the night breeze.

@starswholistenanddreamsanswered @stayinglow-exploringworlds @tcris2020

#rhysand #rhys #rhysand x reader #rhysand imagine #rhysand/reader #rhys x reader #rhys imagine #rhys/reader #acotar x reader #acowar #acotar #acomaf #rhysand x female!reader #rhys x female!reader #starshine #lalacliffthorne

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assmaster-8000 · 1 month ago

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the goldseeker - clotho

not rendered but ive long given up and the game isn't even here anyways so why would i pop my pussy for an ugly fag

my alchemist mc. you can see the pattern, can't you. long story short, clotho isn't a sister to lachesis nor atropos - but actually a future life of theirs. basically, they're trapped in a samsara and are doomed to repeat the same life in different circumstances and different faces. as much as the senobium mage perceived them as an experiment, there came a time where this wire mother's malleable heart accepted them as her own. at age 20, they created a monster of their own via pure alchemy, and was content to let their 'child' consume them. the senobium mage, their mortal mother, killed it before it could kill her own. (experiment? kin? all the same.)

but, you know. no one appreciates getting their kid murked, no matter how ugly or rambunctious :( in a rage, they strangled her to death, and destroyed what little normalcy she managed to afford them in this life. ever since then, they've been wandering from land to land - offering their services and knowledge to whomever needs them. but unlike a certain charitable doctor, theirs comes at a high cost. :)

on top of being an alchemist, they're an obstetrician and a necromancer. after all, the tangible and the arcane - life and death are not so dichotomous, are they? it's a cycle, really. the snake consumes its tail; the filth that teaches filth will be your grave and your genesis.

clotho's curse is a rotting body, and like? whether or not they actually want to cure it like the canon ts mc is beyond me. genuinely. they're here to fag it out in the club. kill the allmother. destroy the structure of the senobium. then die.

they technically aren't blind, but the rot has already began to eat away at their eyes, hence the cloth obscuring their eyes. they are mute, though. i figured it would be interesting to write a conniving character who can't speak. but it turns out im actually stupid as rocks and can't do allat, so. huh!

i swear i actually have an idea on what i want to do with them but their lore is so canon divergent that im sticking my dick into places rss hasn't even opened up yet. what else... they're 25 years of age, they have a pet snake that's several hundred feet long (inspired by ophion) and they love medical malpractice. the allmother is something like ananke, the mother of the fates, so as you can see clotho has 3 forms of mommy issues. they have multiple flowers, but their most infamous one is the asphodel, which they don on their head.

i think im allergic to giving my ocs a moral compass, so clotho gets freaky in the club trust me. their fatal flaw?? all of them. literally every trait of their personality. if chaotic neutral and neutral evil had an ugly baby. they're so repulsive and abhorrent that every ship with them is an OSHA violation

oh also??? how did i fail to mention??? clotho, lachesis (yet to show), and atropos are all 7 feet. clotho especially has freakishly long arms they tend to hide. who let messmer into touchstarved.

#touchstarved oc

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meat-wentz · 1 month ago

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here’s a list of things i think have improved my life over the past year:

a good button up- honestly the most versatile item of clothing that provides year-round comfort, lets my body breathe, and looks stylish no matter what- it doesn’t matter the fabric as long as it’s soft on the skin and the fit is loose enough to provide some good old darcy flounce, can be dressed up or down and has not only helped in my every day comfort but also in easing the irritation of my skin (works well with sweat in the summer and dryness in the winter)

good underwear- insane how most underwear wants me to kill myself, so finding good affordable underwear is a necessity, personally i like parade

good pajamas- again it’s like important that my skin feels nice in something, i live in a high desert climate which is extremely drying and literally makes me the itchiest little thing on the planet, so good loose fitting silky pajamas make me feel like a little prince tucked into bed all nice and sweet

a robe- dawg i love a robe, not only as protection for my outside clothes when im in my house covered in cat fur, but also as an extra layer of warmth in colder months, and a nice thing to ahem, i’ll say it again, let my skin breathe while i dry off from a shower before i get dressed or while just lounging around the house with nowhere to be but still feeling like i want to be “dressed”

chia pudding- dude i eat chia pudding every day and honestly as someone w a lot of digestive issues and genetic digestive shit, chia pudding legit is my girlfriend and i love my slimy little girlfriend

BEETS- had a big beet year after realizing i can eat beets whenever i want. love a beet salad w arugula and spinach and some goat cheese and pistachios and dressing of your choice (i prefer a dill or balsamic)- you can literally have beets whenever you want idk why i only thought i could have beets on special occasions, idk i think i have a weird covetous thing with food i really like, but yeah idk who needs to hear this you can have beets whenever you want dawg its true

new glasses- go see your optometrist. i am bad about seeing any doctor for anything bc i hate it but being able to see is important go get your eyes checked and don’t be like me wearing the same prescription for 8 years and putting it off while seeing stars while i drive and squinting at subtitles

good luck charms- idk man i just like them it’s kind of just nice to have a little thing you put a small amount of faith in every day like a little token from a friend or a necklace you wear or a funny little keychain i like to have a little thing i can hold or fidget with that’s like yes aha it’s my little charm for everyday life that says to me im all good i think having a healthy dose of positive superstition is a nice thing to have

a good perfume- idk it’s just nice to get whiffs of yourself and be like omg that’s me, one of my coworkers has the same perfume and every time i smell her im like omg you smell so good and start blushing bc i realize that’s how i smell and it feels nice

just a good sunscreen dawg and not for all the anti-aging bs but bc it’s just a good thing to wear like if there’s anything ive learned after a lifetime in the desert it’s that dude just wear some sunscreen it doesn’t have to be fancy it’s just good practice and genuinely helps prevent the misery of sun damage from a day in the summer or a long drive or anything you have to do outside

a solid refillable pen- tbh probably my best friend in this whole world is a good fountain pen

anyways i have a long track record of like denying my own needs especially when im depressed or upset which for the length of pandemic and my most recent relationship was something i really fell into and after feeling a bit more like myself and reclaiming a lot of the joy i’d lost, these are some things that helped me ground myself in the world and feel a bit more comfortable being joyous and re-finding what’s important to me (feeling like the food i eat doesn’t want me to kill myself, writing, feeling confident in being a person in the world, seeing clearly, etc etc etc)

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tae-rhymeswithslay · 6 months ago

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TMNT: COLOR CODED Casey Jones

colorcoded au by @camilieroart

im so sorry, it doesn’t really look like him, but I tried 😭. I chose a skating pose, but it took me wayy too long to realize that none of the official drawings of Casey have him in skates, so i just followed those. I also tried to combine his normal clothes with his battle outfit bc i just couldn’t decide which one to draw him in

I literally have SO much to say about this Casey! this little rant is probably gonna go on for way too long lol (feel free not to read)

props to @camilieroart for writing this amazing au bc ive been obsessed ever since i saw it in passing on instagram.

Casey has always been my favorite tmnt character. Ever. Hands down. There was something about him that I just adored. As a kid and even now. That being said, finding a version of Casey that was so much like me was like an early Christmas. I was already sucked in to the AU since like, last year when I found it for the first time. But I only recently read through Casey’s backstory and found out that he was korean, which only made me double down on how much I loved his character in Colorcoded.

(I really hope this next part doesn’t come off as narcissistic, its really just me full of admiration for this character and AU)

It was incredible to see a version of my favorite character like EVER (not even joking) that looked a lot like me and came from a background a lot like mine. Beyond just his skin tone being dark and matching mine (which I think I commented about already) this Casey seriously feels like looking into a mirror of myself from a few years ago. Both visually and mentally. It’s refreshing to see Korean characters that aren’t reduced to the asian standards of beauty, but still look like their ethnicity, because we absolutely DO exist. From my darker skin color to even my wide nose shape which I share with this Casey, I was told constantly as a kid (by other koreans mind you) that I didn’t ‘look korean enough’. So it’s nice to see those features that made me so insecure growing up presented in someone I admired during that same period of time. Even Casey’s hair looks so much like the cut I had/was forced to get (lol) growing up, down to the M shaped bangs. Though I wasn’t allowed to grow out my hair like Casey has in the back, it was something I always wanted to do as a kid. I even got into ice skating BECAUSE of Casey, like, I adore him so so much.

Though I’m lucky enough to have a family much healthier than Casey’s, I still found myself relating a lot to him in terms of his Korean-American identity. Growing up, my parents wanted me to learn as much English as possible as opposed to Korean, but they switched mindsets when it came to my younger sister (Yeah! i’ve also got a younger sister too, and by just EXTREME coincidence, she also has a similar sounding name Hae-in 해인) so she speaks a lot more Korean than I do. I still struggle a little bit when speaking conversational Korean, even though it’s technically my ‘first’ language lol. My family even calls me by my english name and my sister by her Korean name. I’m not sharing my legal name online, but i’ve got the same deal as Casey where I’ve got an English legal name, but also an unofficial korean name which was REALLY surprising to read, because literally none of my korean friends have the same name situation. Beyond little nit-picky things (that don’t even count as mistakes, really) in his conversations with his sister, you got the Korean conversations down really well (like, the cadence and grammar and stuff, idk how to explain it, but it really sounds like a conversation i might’ve had with my little cousins, just translated)

TLDR: i absolutely ADORE this Casey and I see just SO much of myself in him. He is wonderfully written as a character and you nailed his korean-american identity to a T (according to me and my personal experiences at least)

SORRY FOR THE RANT

#tmnt #casey jones #colorcoded #tmnt colorcoded #colorcoded au #tmnt casey #tmnt casey jones #teenage mutant ninja turtles #casey

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weirdmageddon · 4 months ago

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personal customization

(originally written 8/24/24 on cohost)

i realize i dont feel like i outwardly personalize the things i own unless they’re gifts from others and i just arrange them.

i live according to my absolute bare needs to an insane degree because i get so involved in my work and in my head sorting abstract bookshelves.

i’ve had my laptop for 4 years and it still never occurred to me to change the wallpaper or customize anything. i just have other things in mind when i boot it up. i keep the same discord icon for months at a time, often over a year.

earlier my mom bought me binders that my looseleaf anatomy & physiology textbook could fit into and wrote my name on them, because it didnt even occur to me to do that. she said, “wow you never personalize your stuff! i have to personalize everything i have! even in college in your dorm room you were living out of your cardboard boxes.” (this is true. one band poster on the wall, one mood lamp, unpacked my clothes into the drawers, laptop on my desk, the small flat-screen tv from my room at home, nintendo switch i barely used there anyway, and that’s it. everything else was out of the cardboard boxes.)

“you’re like jon who was able to live with a lamp, a single mattress on his floor, and his chemistry research.”

i really could be as long as my physiological needs are met (im sensitive to temperature and humidity so i would need the modern convenience of need air conditioning) i really don't need much.

i just dont think to buy things for myself. i rarely ask for anything either because i don’t think to ask, unless it’s something necessary. i’m extremely low maintenance. literally ive been living off of people’s kindness. i don’t know how to repay it physically but through spending quality time with them. analyzing and explaining to them what it means to me, sage advice, and giving myself to them to solve technical issues, chores, etc..

i greatly admire people who are able to transform a space into something that oozes character and color and feels cozy, personalized, just because. i also find i do also end up doing this... but it's entirely by accident. it turns into a collection of objects i accumulate or am passively drawn to, such as in my own room where i have a black light and a UV-sensitive duvet cover that i thought was interesting and i like having in my space. but i'm not one for really adding or changing the things in my space. it stays pretty inert unless someone gives me a thing, but even then it depends on if i want to keep it and where i would keep it.

does this mean i have no aesthetic preferences? certainly not. i'm a sucker for art and art that conveys a certain inexplicable expression to me. it's extremely important to me. i like looking at it, but it's something i collect and appreciate rather than something i show off i guess. i'd say i do have a distinctive taste, despite my blindness to outward personalization. two tags on my sideblog where i collect things i like (they sometimes overlap):

#aes

#art insp

i have a sleeve of stickers but i don't know where to stick them. i have things that i very much enjoy but for some reason i don't decorate the things i own with them unless the urge is overwhelming. because i think, what if this thing i stick it to gets old? what if something else comes along that i wish i had stuck it to instead? then i'll have to throw the stickers out too. and i'll feel like it was a waste. so i just feel paralyzed, i don't do anything, and it's easier not to think about it and instead focus on other things. or leave it to somebody else, but under my guidance.

i'm the kinda person who will squeeze every last drop out of something before throwing it out. i've been using the same black strapbag since middle school and i just graduated college with a 4-year degree this year. even when it comes to toothbrushes my mom is the one who realizes they need to be changed before i do, because like, they're still workable to me. i'm the complete and total opposite of the fast fashion mindset. i habitually live by the hand-me-down creed. all that matters is comfort, convenience, and lasts a long time. style and appearance is secondary. and i only really worry about it if i have to impress someone or make a good impression, but it's not what i naturally gravitate towards personally as an individual.

i really just don't need much but i profoundly appreciate people who gift me things especially if i will get a lot of use out of them. gift giving isn't how i express my gratitude in return, though, because i'm never fully confident in my gifts unless they're exactly what someone asked for (and they know it), but i think i make up for it in other ways. i will give something i own that's meaningful to me to someone if i happen to like them enough.

i feel bad getting gifts that i know i won't get a lot of use out of because i feel like i let the person down, or they wasted their money despite me understanding it as a heartfelt gift. but i sort of equate the heartfeltness of the gift with how much use potential it has for me, how much i'll be able to get out of it. i feel like i'm cheating them out of something if i can't. they spent their resources for me, and it would be a waste if i couldn't put it to use or appreciate having it for a long time. and if someone does that for me i want to get the most out of it, but i can't get the most out of everything. and it makes me feel bad on their behalf, like i'd want to regift it so they can get their money back if i can't get their money's worth out of it, but i also want them to know i appreciate that they thought of me enough to get me something. but i know people don't take well to that or would find it offensive, even though i don't mean it like that.

my own state of existence is kind of monotonous if i dont have people giving me new impressions. i don’t think about material things except in the sense of how they “have” to be. i just habitually do the bare minimum to be functional without even realizing i can get things that i want to. my own desires aren’t as strong as me weighing pros/cons about how i spend my time and if it’s worth investing my Whole Being into doing something. i end up being on extreme or the other: putting my whole being in or none at all. there’s no half-assing anything with me. im literally incapable of doing it. (executive dysfunction DOES NOT HELP EITHER)

despite all this someone online who doesn't know me all that well (just an acquaintance) described me as having elegant vibes. when people think of elegant i assume they think of physical elegance, but i think mental elegance is a better way of describing me. i know that i love the aesthetic principle of elegance a lot: unusual effectiveness + simplicity. and if that's the basic definition that underlies elegance in artful expression (e.g. visual design) and logical systems (e.g. mathematics), then i would consider myself elegant. i always tend to look for the broadest but most precise encapsulation of a thing, and that in itself carries elegance with it. ...... but i also like a bit of a unique tacky spin thrown in too. in fact, elegance is the reason i started posting on cohost. it's the elegant blogging platform i couldve asked for. fresh start, small space. easy markdown and html options if necessary. starting with visually customizing my page is overwhelming and it always ends up second to its primary functional purpose, which is to transmit the input of words from my keyboard to your computer screen. that is primarily my vehicle of expression of self. it doesn’t mean i don’t admire people’s customization. in fact it’s one of the things i most admire and wish i had for myself. i just get so overwhelmed i don’t even know where to begin, but it’s also secondary to my thoughts and what i have to communicate.

(tumblr edit: well shit lol byebye cohost)

#mine

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blorbo-from-the-cosmos · 7 days ago

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Hello Everyone!

* . . *. . . *. . . *. * . * 🌙 . *. . * .

I decided to compile a list of some of my favorite manifestations that I’ve gotten since I was last regularly active on this account. Feel free to send asks if you’d like me to elaborate on any of them, as I won’t be doing too much of that here :)

* . . *. . . *. . . *. * . * 🌙 . *. . * .

I. PHYSICAL

Clear Skin

A no brainer, I feel, in the manifesting community. I was one of those kids growing up who got acne before anyone else, it was persistent all throughout my adolescence and into adulthood. One day I just got sick of all the burning, itching, dryness, oiliness, and overall feeling of how much I hated my own appearance. So, I gave up. I literally decided I did not care and if my skin was meant to clear up it simply would and I left it at that a few years ago.

Cue to now, I constantly get compliments on how smooth and radiant my skin is. People always comment on how it looks bouncy and natural dewy. Go figure

Tattoos

I’d always wanted tattoos but was scared to go alone and intimidated by the prices. I remember adding a few tattoos I was inspired by into my yearly manifesting Pinterest board (I can elaborate on this later if you would like) and sort of forgetting about it. Since then, I’ve had 3 opportunities with different friends and artists for cheap yet lovely flash tattoos. I’m currently working on a more detailed piece and simply waiting to manifest an artist closer to my house to do the job :)

Straight Teeth

A work in progress. I had a very unfortunate snaggle tooth and essentially zigzagging lower teeth as a child, went through the fun of traditional braces, and at the end of it my teeth never got 100% fully straight when they removed them. My retainer stopped fitting shortly after, and my teeth went back to a (thankfully not as bad but) similar state. I’d always been self conscious of my smile and it got to the point where I’d avoid opening my mouth at all for irrational fear of judgment. I was too old to be on my parents insurance and did not have the funds to pay treatment as an adult.

Lo and behold, through my job I was able to get name brand Invisalign for a fraction of the cash price and my smile (again, while still a work in progress) has never been better. Apart from the physical change through the aligners, Ive also manifested them to be whiter and healthier when they definitely weren’t before.

Tweaking Facial Features

I’m gonna just put them in one category, but I essentially tweaked my eyebrows, lashes, eyes, lips, and nose. Nothing super dramatic, sorry to disappoint, but I always thought they fit my face just not in the size they came in if that makes sense? I realized recently that my eyebrows are incredibly sleek and well maintained for someone who doesn’t take care of them more than plucking them every few weeks. My lashes (when curled) are way longer than they’ve ever been, my nose is the slightest bit smaller and therefore more complimentary to my face, and my lips are poutier and nicer than before (they’re always hydrated and plump). I also noticed my face chiseled out a bit, as someone who has always had a rounded baby face, but that could’ve also just been long overdue for my age haha

Nicer Hands & Less Body Hair

Little about me, I’m Hispanic. So, my genetics lovingly gave me an abundance of thick and dark body hair all across the way. I’m not here to tell you being hairless is better than not because it genuinely should be up to you personally, but for ME it is a sensory issue having body hair (I hate the way it feels rubbing against clothes or catching in things ugh). Tmi but even my hands were quite hairy, with my arm hair thinning yet continuing to about halfway up the back of my hand.

Soon enough, using the same “fine I give up” mentality, I noticed that (while still hairy lol) my hair doesn’t grow in as thick not as much as it used to. I literally looked at my legs the other day and realized it’s been probably over a month since I’ve shaved them but the hair grew in all sparse which is super unusual. Same with my hands, my fingers no longer look knobby and and scrawny like they used to, but they are quite elegant and I’ve actually received recent compliments on them which made me have that realization.

Ideal Hair

This one isn’t too dramatic as I’ve always been blessed with thick and healthy hair, but more so the fact that I dyed and cut it myself at home quite frequently and yet no matter what I do to it it remains as healthy and thick as ever. I alone made the attempt to go nearly platinum blonde at home, meaning I was using volume 30(?) developer by myself with zero experience on actually bleaching my hair (I dyed it often but always got the bleaching done at a salon). I think I did a total of 3 sessions within a two week time span where I left the bleach on about an hour per session and not only did it come out unscathed, people regularly ask me what salon I had it done at because they apparently can’t tell it was an at home job lol

II. Material

this one will be a fast round !

iPad Pro & newer iPhone with 513GB for a fraction of the retail price

Brand new gaming PC & ideal gaming setup

Brand new Docs

Ideal jewelry

Ideal closet staples & ideal shoes

A new car, partially gifted

Collection of amazing perfumes, all gifted

A diploma I definitely didn’t deserve because I should have failed it tbh lol

Fairy lights for my room, gifted

My perfect shades of makeup staples, all gifted 🫶🏼

Art supplies & kits, mostly gifted

A book I’d been dying to read, gifted

A random $2 pay raise I didn’t even ask for & that wasn’t due within that time frame (but am definitely not complaining about lol)

III. Miscellaneous

another fast round because I have to be somewhere and also my brain is blanking listing these out haha

The light is always green for me or about to turn green, this one never fails me and my friends/family all think I’m just really lucky 🍀

Even when I just rolled out of bed, I look amazing and even my panic lazy outfits look great

People are intimidated yet awed by me, I get a lot of people surprised when I’m nice to them and get told I always look busy and they don’t want to disturb my peace when in reality I just didn’t wanna talk to anyone haha. This one is important as someone who’s always had a “cutesy” demeanor who really dislikes social interactions

I always smell good, has saved me when I run out of the house and realize in a panic I didn’t use enough deodorant lmao. It sounds like a joke but I swear Ive even had people who I know to be brutally honest smell me and I’ve never been told I smell bad

Going to concerts, raves, and clubs (again, I was always socially awkward and didn’t have friends who were willing to do these things with me). On that note…

… a new friend group! I love my childhood friends but we are all a bunch of hermits and I really went through an era where I wanted to have fun and enjoy my 20’s, hence this new group of the loveliest and craziest people I absolutely love 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

Trips to NYC & San Diego. Before I discovered manifesting I rarely ever left my city, let alone the state. The trips were everything I could’ve hoped for and I’m currently manifesting about 3 more this year!

Passing grades in classes I definitely didn’t earn them in 😬

Money, specifically money Ive saved. I’m not sharing the quantity just for personal safety reasons, but I will say I probably have more money saved alone than all my friends do combined

* . . *. . . *. . . *. * . * 🌙 . *. . * .

So, there’s that! I’m actively manifesting many other things as well, specifically a new high paying job, my dream apartment in Seattle, and a significant other as I’m finally in a place where I feel ready for a relationship 🫶🏼 mark my words I’ll have a success post about these soon >:)

Let me know if you guys have any questions, and comment below your favorite manifestations so we can all inspire each other! -love, Blorbo

#law of assumption #manifestation #reality shifting #affirmations #manifesting #blorbo from the cosmos #blorbos rambles #shifting with blorbo #blorbos posts #ask blorbo

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basicallymikewheeler · 9 months ago

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sometimes i think about the cast and general production team of st constantly saying “mikes just trying to be normal” cus like…….hes reallly not? and hes never really tried?? like this fits lucas or el more cus both of them try to live a normal life but when lucas brought up to idea of being popular and normal mike was just like “uhhhhhhh no thanks ew” in s4 so like??

season 1-2 his whole gimmick is that him and the party are nerdy and geeky and thats what makes them so cool. hes obviously bothered by the bullying, but he just doesnt make any effort to be normal

in season 3 is probably where this applies the most, because of him wanting to act more mature and do grown up things because he had spent the last 1/2 years fighting upside down monsters and would just like to experience having a normal teenage-hood… but even then HES not trying to be normal if you know what i mean? he still loves nerdy things and the only thing thats really changed is his constant revolvement around his girlfriend???

but even then his obession is kind of justfied because:

after they got will back from dissapearing, mike revolved around him for ages too. going to his appointments, waiting for hours next to him/with the party in the hostipal.

and then eleven “disappears” for like a year, and he does the same exact thing so in my head he’s not trying to be “normal” hes just relieved to have her back yknow? just like he did with will when he came back.

in s4 interviews specifically this narrative of mike trying to be normal is mentioned and im so confused cus like thats the season when hes literally trying NOT to be normal. its literally made a point by eddie that he was embarrassing when he was basic, and that hes cooler now (when he was talking about how first day of freshman year they were wearing clothes their mums picked out). they custom made clothes for him to be edgy and made him grow out his hair.

the best explanation ive seen is that they are hinting to his internalised homophobia. the reason the only thing that hes tried being “normal” at is having a girlfriend. trying to hide suppressed queer feelings by trying to do the most textbook straigh thing, make out with your girlfriend constantly. but even then i dont 100% believe that this is the reason?? because thats the same season dustin was obessed with his girlfriend and he was still one of the not normal ones… (also bc of the point i made in the s3 paragraph)

mike has never really tried to be normal. he literally becomes emo in season 4, the season where they stress this narrative SPECIFICALLY. just rlly confused me

#mike wheeler #stranger things #like wtf #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #byler? idk #eleven hopper #the party #micheal -NOTNORMAL- wheeler

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woozten-x · 2 years ago

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mark x female reader first kiss fluff?

Kiss of Warmth | Mark Lee

[ m.list including other neos! ]

─ Synopsis: On a snowy day, Mark Lee is there to keep you warm regardless of the cold.

─ Genre: Tooth-rotting fluff literally!!, One-Shot, REQUESTED

─ Concepts: snowball fight, first kiss au, just reader and mark falling for each other (literally and figuratively), idk why but love with mark reminds me of winter, blonde mark because ive been in my markf era since then

─ Count of Words: 1.8k

─ Inspiration of the Work: Ultimate Bliss by OnlyOneOf

❒ a/n: tysm for requesting my lovely anon! this is my FIRST ever request and i am so happy to have someone interested <3<3 i was so excited to write something for you, so ive already had a scenario planned out the night before HAHA i hope this is to your liking, anon! :)

＞＜

Winter snowfall drops from above, the contact of some of the particles landing on your bare face causes you to shudder from the freezing cold. Instinctively, your limbs press closer against your body, hands hidden away in the pockets of your puffy jacket; the hotpack in your grasp slightly warming you from the cold battle of winter.

Despite the difficulty of the weather, you continue to wait patiently on the bench waiting for the one who promised to meet you. Looking down, your woven hat keeps your head warm and you let your feet kick at the snow underneath your feet. The sheet of snow flies into the air from the motion, the make-shift snowfall you created catching your attention for a brief moment; you continue to kick your feet, a childish yet attentive gaze captured at the repetition.

“Did I keep you waiting?” The familiar voice distracts you from your playful antics, turning your head to see your boyfriend - Mark Lee. Blonde strands of hair are captured by a red beanie, the layers of winter clothing dressing him up; a tint of red dusting the tip of his nose and cheeks from the cold. His pink lips uplifts into a captivating smile, one you are too familiar with and so in love with.

“Nope!” You get up from the bench, the yearning for his body warmth and to showcase your affection through physical touch for Mark, overtakes you. He approaches you, footprints imprinted in the white ice; he instantly opens his arms once he grows closer to you, a grin expressing from your beautiful face held a glow that Mark wishes to protect and love until the very end.

Stumbling towards him like deer on ice, you hear Mark’s laughter once he captures you into his arms. Your own laughter intertwining with his own, you rest your head against his chest to completely melt into his touch; his body heat welcoming you into a familiar serenity, the one place continuously thriving and bringing such joy for you.

Although the two of you only started dating recently, you felt like Mark has been in your life for years already. Time slows down each time in his presence, your own heart pleasantly beating against your chest as a reminder of how much you learned to love him; was this a normal feeling or was it the honeymoon phase of your relationship?

“Is something on your mind?” Mark asks, warm breath caressing the helix of your ear and you instantly shake your head at his inquiry. You look up at him with the same bright grin, “I am just so happy to see you. You know that, right?”

Mark’s round eyes become aflame, a kindling campfire within and one that holds an endearing amount of warmth. He tightly holds onto your waist, “Now I know. I’m glad, I would do anything to make my girl happy.” The cliche nickname and overwhelmingly cheesy words leaves his lips without any thought whatsoever. Instantly, his nose scrunches up to reveal his cringe.

Laughing at his reaction, Mark joins along with a few chuckles escaping him. To your dismay, his phone rings and he furrows his brows - “Damn. Who is bothering me right now?” He mutters out, seeming to be disappointed at the interruption of his time with you. “Go check! Maybe Jisung is burning down the dorm or something just as important.” You lightheartedly spoke, not sharing any negativity towards the unexpected; Mark is with you, it is the least you can ask for. Pulling away, you notice the pout replacing the smile Mark held.

As an attempt to comfort him, you pat him lightly on the chest and Mark gives you an apologetic smile before taking out his phone to answer. Watching your boyfriend place the phone on his ear and speaking into the phone, you could hear his friends on the other line; oh, they are always bothering your poor boyfriend, you can’t help but pity him.

Though, it is quite amusing to see the easygoing Mark become a little tense and strict with them however. Losing interest in eavesdropping into the conversation once realizing it wasn’t serious as the two of you expected, you glanced at the snow underneath your feet; an idea sprouting above your head, a mischievous smirk growing on your face at your plan.

Carefully walking away from Mark to not act too suspicious, you lean down and begin to collect snow to mold into a ball. Your palms and fingers become numb once you pick up ice, but it was worth it - well, you hope it is. Sometimes, these types of moments are bound to have sacrifices, especially for the cost of Mark’s reactions.

Hearing Mark end the conversation, he looks at you from behind. “What are you doing over there? Did you find something in the snow?” He curiously questions, similar to a child wondering about possible treasure buried in the snow. Smirking and turning around to face him, he is slowly approaching you with curiosity evident on his handsome face.

You made extra sure you don’t throw the snowball at his face. Lifting up your arm and swinging, the white ball hits his chest and he stops in his tracks in surprise - “Woah! Did you just throw a snowball at me?” Mark’s eyes are wide, lips parted in surprise but there is a hint of amusement regardless of his astonishment. You laugh, “No~ I think it was something else!”

“Oh yeah?” Mark scoffs, you took notice of the smile on his face when he begins to lean down to build a snowball in his hands also. Before you could waddle off to take cover behind the bench, Mark had hastily created one and thrown it directly at you. The impact hits you on the back and you scream mixed with laughter, beginning to create more snowballs to continue the challenge against your boyfriend.

Throwing another at Mark, “This is war, Mark Lee!” You proclaim and you see him creating more snowballs also. Your snowball hits his shoulder and you see the visible shudder running along his spine, some snow touching at his neck; he looks up at you, “Y/N, you are going to regret this!”

You aren’t sure how long you hid behind the bench, throwing snowballs at the blonde male as he stood in the wide open and doing his best in dodging each one. You can’t help but roll your eyes, finding Mark to be a show-off; but, the joy glowing around him is one you can’t openly complain about. He is far too adorable for your own heart with his boyish smile and purposeful attempts in getting hit to protect the smile on your face.

Of course, the unexpected occurs due to Mark’s luck. As you throw another snowball towards his legs, you did not expect Mark to miraculously trip and fall. Shocked, you are standing up from behind the bench - “Mark!” You call out the dramatic sequence of events looking like some stupid scene of a movie. Maybe to an onlooker, it would be a tragic love story.

Seeing his dark colored jacket collapse into the white snow, you scurry over with worry expressing from your features. “Are you okay?!” You hurriedly say, ready to pick him up from the cold floor; however, such plan had completely fallen apart when you somehow slipped and lost balance. Toppling on top of him, you hear Mark groan underneath you once you collide with him and you panic.

“I am sorry!” You begin to scramble, lifting yourself up but feel a grip on your waist. Slowly you look down to meet Mark’s eyes, snow contrasting the blonde locks of hair overcoming his forehead; unbelievably so, Mark held a very serious expression. Locked in a very intimate position, you have forgotten about the cold surrounding the two of you.

His eyes observe your face, longingly staring at your lips before flickering up to your eyes - “Are you alright?” He asks the question solely meant for him considering his situation, but he seems more worried about your state than his own. Nodding slowly, you realize the proximity between your faces; warm breath reaching you, his laundry detergent feeling more overwhelming than a simple hug.

Reality struck your boyfriend, his eyes slightly widening and he slowly sits up with you moving and taking a seat in his lap. “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make things uncomfortable,” He says quickly and his hands are disappearing from your waist. Flustered, he folds his hands behind his back and tries his best to lean away from you to avoid any discomfort for your sake.

You slowly shook your head, “No, no…You are okay…Right?” You try to change the topic. Seeing Mark avoiding your eyes, he quietly nods; you aren’t sure whether he is blushing or it was the cold snow cursing his pale skin from falling. Maybe it is both. Without thinking to get up, you stuff a hand in the pocket of your jacket to take hold of the hotpack.

Thankfully, it remains warm and you are moving it towards Mark’s lips. Instinctively, he turns to you from the warm touch, relief evident in his eyes. You smile at him, “You aren’t hurt right?”

Mark didn’t say a word. Eyes observing the beauty he dreams of every night and looking forward to during the day, he is somehow growing a desire to have your warmth instead. Lifting up a hand and wrapping his fingers from your wrist in a gentle grasp, he moves the hotpack away from his face and slowly leans forward; as he begins to move, you are feeling your breath stop.

Softly, his lips place against your own for a short moment. His warm breath caressing your face and you remained frozen until he pulled away, his eyes fluttering open to meet sight of your gaping face; regret overtakes his expression, Mark shyly looking down - “I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to kiss you…I should have asked…Sorry–”

Tenderly, you place your hands on his face, the lingering warmth of your lips growing a sudden desire you’ve never felt before. You slowly turn him to face you, “I want to kiss you more.” You admit and his lips twitch up into a smile. Before he could reply, you are capturing his lips with your own to prevent any words leaving his lips.

Head tilting to deepen the kiss, you melt into the very warmth of your boyfriend. You feel his hands placed on your waist once again, squeezing you lightly as the two of you kiss amongst the white snow surrounding the two of you.

All ice cursing is melted away, the warmth of Mark Lee’s is enough to have you at bliss.

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mmmooorriii · 1 year ago

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on my nerves [kaeya, genshin impact]

enchanting, you were. always the talk of the town, the one who dazzled under the sun. no matter what you do, it was graceful. whether it be as simple as shopping in the markets, or whether it be tearing down opponents triple your size, in everything you do, you shone.

that's what made dear, captain kaeya despise you. you were always so elegant, it displeases him.

"i, myself, cannot fathom how arrogant they are." he would say to a nearby knight as you walked through the halls of the headquarters, chin up and posture straight. ignoring the overt stink eye captain kaeya would give you. you never knew why he had disliked you, for it is proper that anyone shall do what they do while looking their best. he probably does not care for how his clothes are fashioned—judging by the horrendous fur piece sat atop his shoulders, he really must not care.

the quiet—on your half atleast—arguments that happen between the both of you is considered quite humorous by the other knights. the scowls you both share and the silent competitions that occur whenever on field, your colleagues find it extremely amusing.

captain kaeya and you, both, do not feel the same, however.

you have endured every tease, every comment, every rock or stick thrown at your way, you had put up with grace, and patience. you resisted, and calmed yourself multiple times, resisting the urge to just slice the poor captain down in half. albeit all the urges, you held and kept to yourself. up until now.

you had just finished your field work and was fatigued from the lack of help, due to the uprising numbers of hilichurls and treasure hoarders that the knights have been trying to get rid of.

kaeya spotted you holding onto the walls of the hall, a smirk finding its way to his face. "lazing about? that's quite unprofessional of you." he laughed mockingly, standing infront of you with his arms crossed.

you didn't know what happened but something snapped within you, a fire igniting as it was doused with the fuel you've been storing somewhere. without missing a beat, your palm met his cheek, slapping the smug grin off his face.

"i have been working all day, fighting hoardes alone, without relief or back-up. you have no right to say that to me while you sit in the confines of your office. i will not sit back and let you disrespect me anymore, sir kaeya."

kaeya scoffed, half shocked, half pained. his hand reached to rub his jaw, mouth agape.

"who knew you had it in you?" he squinted, an amused smile evident on his lips. you almost rolled your eyes, standing upright and smoothing down your clothes.

"ive always had it in me, you just irk me." you say, turning around to walk away. heart pounding in your chest as you balled your fists beside you, leaving a bewildered kaeya behind you.

he must admit, he liked the way you treated him just now. pink tinged his cheeks as he hid a smile behind his gloved hand.

a/n: *cough* masochist kaeya *cough* anwww... its been too long (A LITERAL YEAR AND EIGHT MONTHS) since i last wrote uhm... but im back! i guess 😭 love y'all! - mori :*

#genshin headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #genshin fanfic #genshin fluff #kaeya alberich #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya #genshin impact kaeya #genshin x reader #genshin impact headcanons

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mariatesstruther · 1 year ago

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I honestly don't get why Maria was so anti-Joel oh he's a horrible person he's done horrible things he can't be around us, but accepted Tommy fully to the point he's the father of her child when both did the same things, ran with the same people and all of that.

I mean I love the character, but that confuses the hell out of me. Why's Tommy accepted but Joel damned?

okay, so… this response took me like half hour to write. my wrists hurt, my jaw is clenched, my brain is hot. i love u anon thank u very much for this chance to vent about just why my girl maria has been so misunderstood. let’s go

i personally think this is where many people fundamentally misunderstand maria’s perception of joel. she’s not cautious of him primarily because of tommy or anything tommy has said, in my personal opinion—she’s cautious of him for and because of ellie

ive said this on my blog a few times and i think so have @steeb-stn and @clickergossip (and maybe @liveandletcry23 and @bumblepony i have a shit memory so tagging just in case) so im gonna tag them to credit their words and ideas about maria as well, but the FIRST time maria sees joel, he’s with this rando twelve year old girl who he is seemingly so protective over that she cant even be sniffed by dogs who are just trying to detect infection, which would be good for ANYBODY. that’s his first strike for untrustworthyness, because why the fuck wouldn’t he let this girl be tested???—we know why, of course, but maria doesnt. shes working on the very limited info about joel/ellie’s relationship that she has from just her own observations, and i think we need to remember that as we go through analyzing why she moves how she moves

shes knows from tommy at this point is that joel had a daughter, but it is definitely not this little girl. so why the fuck are they so close. what have they gone through. are they okay. is ellie okay. is their relationship safe for her??? THAT’s what she’s thinking about, in my opinion, while shes staring joel down at that dinner table. she’s reasonbly suspicious, and i can’t blame her for it.

i had to cut this it’s literally maybe my longest post ever so. heres the cut

ALSO, it’s not like she’s a straight up bitch to joel like some of y’all seem to make it out to be??? she never says or implies that “they can’t be around” or anything like that. she offers them clothes and food and supplies. she sets them up in a house. before dinner, she gives them a personal tour (which, to be fair, she did because she was probably trying to keep an eye on them and figure out more about whether or not ellie is safe, but who wouldnt???? i know tess would! and yall would love her for it!). tommy literally says to joel before they leave that there will always be a place for him and ellie in jackson—you cannot tell me you believe he said so without already have maria’s green light for joel and ellie to stay

ALSO, i wanna consider some other things that i haven’t seen many ppl talk about. on that walk she takes with tommy and joel and ellie, she makes it sound like tommy has been with them for at least years AND she maintains the confidence to say that residents in jackson stay off the radio—i could totally be wrong, but it seems to me from the look tommy and joel share right after that it’s obvious tommy has been talking to joel BEHIND MARIA’S BACK???? did no one else catch that??? am i misinterpreting big time??? id assume because theyre married and from the way tommy talks about jackson that he’s been in jackson for at least 3 years maybe, and we know that he only stopped radioing joel a couple months before the show’s main plotline starts, so timeline wise there had to be some overlap of tommy still radioing joel from/around jackson. idk if anyone of my mutuals has thoughts on this but i personally think it’s important to point out, because it establishes that maria likely doesn’t know or think tommy and joel kept in contact, at least not as recently as up to some months ago. she knows that tommy and joel are close, but at the same time, she doesn’t think tommy really knows or talks to joel anymore, either. so how is she supposed to extend him any trust as tommy’s brother????? how and why would she give this man any benefit of the doubt???? it wouldn’t make any sense. she’s more practical and discerning than she is naive and kind, and y’all can think what y’al want about that but i love her for it. it’s very necessary for a woman like her to be the way she is

okay, so back to your question. back to why joel is “damned” and tommy is “accepted.” let’s talk about joel for a sec

y’all like to babygirl and idolize the absolute fuck out of this man

we know that not only was he a smuggler, but he killed and tricked and took advantage of people, shamelessly and brutally. we know that tommy did so too. maria knows that tommy has done the same things. maria also knows that tommy left that life because he couldnt do it anymore, and joel continued because he could

point blank period!!!!! yall can argue with me all u want but tommy left that murder life and joel did not. im not saying this makes either brother good or bad or better than the other, i love joel sm and i think both of them have an undisputed capability to do unspeakable things in order to survive. but tommy got to a point where he hit a limit, whereas joel doesn’t seem to have one. this is at least my personal interpretation of their conversations in the game and the show

tommy DID join the fireflies, which we all know now is not any fucking better than whatever the fuck joel was doing—the difference is the reasoning, though, and considering tlou is all about reasoning and the why, we need to consider the reasoning behind tommy’s decision: he wanted to do something better, something good, something he thought had a purpose. we all know now that the fireflies are bullshit, their purpose is bullshit, and they’re willingness to kill a child for the sake of the “cure” is it’s own entire paradox of bullshit. but they were a rebel organization fighting fedra, who fucking suck, and probably had somewhat of a better reputation back when tommy was interested in joining—or maybe they didn’t, to be fair, i don’t know! the point is, tommy went to them seeking some sort of better purpose, some type of redeption; in joel’s own fucking words, “tommy’s what we used to call a joiner. had dreams of becoming a hero... wants to save the world.”

tommy is idealistic. he’s romantic. he’s optimistic, almost to the point of being fucking naive. thats why he enlisted in the army, thats why he enlisted in the fireflies—he wanted to feel good about himself and the world he was living in. he needed it to have some light at the end of the tunnel for all the bullshit to make sense. and yeah, he was wrong both times in joining up. we know that, joel knew that while it was happening, and tommy knows that in retrospect, too. i think jackson is the first place he really found true, real purpose—not the kind that is propagandized to you and goes up in smoke, but the kind that is well and truly earned. that’s why he is so loyal to jackson and to maria—they finally gave him was he desperately spent his life searching for

and im just saying, from maria’s perspective, she’s someone who lives for purpose. she lives for jackson and for it’s people and for it’s future, and she has to maintain some sense of idealism in the face of all that fucking ugliness to be able to mentally live im and run a place like jackson, to believe that it’ll work. i think that idealism she has, she sees reflected in tommy’s desperation to be a better person who’s fighting for a better life. she sees that need for redemption and goodness in him, that need for things to be fucking worth it, and hears she hears it in his story. she gets to relate to him with this in a way she doesnt GET TO RELATE with joel YET (we STILL HAVE TIME PEOPLE. WE HOLDIN OUT STRONG FOR THE JOEL AND MARIA BEST FRIEND AGENDA)

but to continue, THEN maria spends YEARS with tommy, getting to know him, getting to know his guilt. just like tess with joel, she’s sees the worst and the best of him and gets to fall in love with all of it. so of course there’s gonna be a bit of a bias and a blindspot, towards him—just like any of are other characters have weak spots for the people THEY fucking love

so that’s i guess why i think tommy is “accepted” by her, i guess, and there’s honestly way more them and their romance that i could make a whole separate post about but i’ll leave it there for now. back to joel and why he’s “damned,” which i don’t think he is

again, from what maria knows, he made an active CHOICE to stay in the lifestyle of smuggling and murdering and QZ bullshit, even after tommy chose to leave—and idk what y’all imagine joel and tess to be doing in those many years on their own, but it’s not fuckin picking flowers, for me. they’re dangerous, dangerous people—more dangerous that fedra, and more dangerous than the fireflies, if we’re being fucking real about it. and we LOVE tess and joel for this, or at least i do

but jackson is not a place where people get by with smuggling or backstreet deals or threats. it’s not supposed to be that place. we all LOVE jackson in fics and hcs and aus because it’s literally a place where joel and ellie finally get to breathe and not worry about their safety/survival first. and you know who keeps jackson that way????? MARIA. AND HE BEING FUCKING PICKING ABOUT WHO JACKSON LETS THE FUCK INSIDE

so yall just expect her to by YIPPY SKIPPY when joel, THE JOEL THE SUPER SMUGGLER MURDER COWBOY, strolls into town????? WITHOUT TESS, WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MORE PERSONABLE AND REASONABLE ONE???? what????? she’d be crazy not to at least try to be a little intimidating, to make it clear to joel that he will not get away with any of that qz bullshit here. she’d be naive not to, and maria is anything but naive

and i know most people don’t like her for that “a bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad” “not always, at least” line, but i actually think it really fits so well in establishing that she’s not afraid of joel, not afraid of challenging him or making him own up to things he’s done. it’s just so so cool to me, i just can’t hate her for that????? she’s establishing with him that she knows what tommy knows about his time in the QZ, and she’s letting him know if that joel shows up here in jackson, there will be fucking problems for him. which i think is a completely fair warning????

so let’s continue. let’s talk about The Scene, the one with her and ellie, the one with the “tommy was following joel” line. ONE thing i’d like to point out about this scene—MARIA IS THE ONE TO TELL ELLIE ABOUT SARAH, NOT JOEL. AND THAT IS A BIG BIG BIG REASON FOR WHY SHE WARNS ELLIE NOT TO TRUST JOEL COMPLETELY

we know what joel and ellie have gone through, at this point, but maria has barely any idea. she sees that ellie has this fierce protectiveness and lots of secrets when it comes to her and joel, which like—can we all be fucking objective here for a second. this can SO easily and SO reasonably be interpreted as something sketchy going on between joel and ellie that maria should be concerned about.

(slight tw about older men-younger woman relationships bc im gonna be personal for a sec, its quick) we don’t know maria’s past or what she has seen or been through, but personally as someone who has been in a situation where an older man has taken advantage of my naivety in the past, i am now extremely hyper vigilant when it comes to young girls around older men in my personal life today. ellie and joel’s situation and how it looks would raise MJAOR red flags for me personally, if i was in maria’s position. that’s just a personal perspective have that really affects the way i view this scene (end tw)

and so maria finds out that joel has kept the fact that HE HAD A WHOLE ASS DAUGHTER from ellie?????? WOULD THAT NOT BE SUS AT ALL TO YALL???? i mean we know why joel doesn’t tell ellie, as gameplayers and watchers of the show, but again. maria is operating on the info she has right in front of her, which is that joel has been omitting maybe the biggest fact of his life from this young girl who is willing to defend and trust him with her entire life, even after she finds out she’s being lied to. this is alarming

so at this point, she’s questioning joel’s intentions with ellie, and in my opinion, it’s not at all unreasonable for her to do so. she then continues to press, because the red flags are flying and she wants ellie to be crystal clear on the kind of man she’s traveling with (“there are CLEARLY things you don’t know about joel” — “so then you understand my concerns”)

AND THEN ELLIE. BLESSED SMART AMAZING ELLIE COMES IN WITH THE DEFENSE—“and tommy did it too, are you worried about him?”—which like, i love this line. i love this moment. i think because i go so hard for maria a lot of y’all think i’m blind to when ellie is making points, but i 100% cheered her on when i first watched this scene, like i’m sure y’all did—because it’s true! it’s fair! if maria is going to judge joel for those things, she needs to extend the same judgement to tommy

the thing is, it’s still fucking true that, as i said earlier, tommy left that life. both the smuggling, and the fireflies—he chose to stop, while joel didn’t—he was smuggling literally up until the day him and tess found ellie, so. there’s that. she continues to judge joel and not tommy because she knows for sure that tommy has changed. she doesn’t know joel enough yet to see that he has changed, too

so then, the dreaded line: “tommy was following joel.” let’s talk about it.

i don’t love this line either, tbh! i think it’s a weak defense on maria’s part, and a weak line on the tlou hbo writers part—probably my least favorite line of maria’s overall. but i do get why she says it, and i kind of think i get the purpose??? i think????

it reminds me a lot of joel’s line, earlier, about tommy being a “joiner,” and i think it’s funny that, as opposite as joel and maria like to think they both are to each other, the way they describe tommy is pretty much the same. tommy is a “joiner” to joel and a “follower” to maria, and in all respects they both love and hate him for it. idk where i’m going with that exactly, just something interesting to think about in terms of the joel and maria best friend agenda

but i also think this line get’s taken out of context a lot, because the full line is “tommy was following joel, the way you are now.” maria says this line to lead into her main point, the really fucking important line in this scene: “be careful who you put your faith in. the only ones who can betray us, are the one’s we trust.”

WHICH IS TRUE. IT IS THE POINT. AND WHEN JOEL LIES TO ELLIE, HIDES SOMETHING FROM HER YET AGAIN at the end of the season/game, IT BECOMES A THEMATIC CLIMAX POINT THAT CONNECTS BOTH OF THE GAMES

maria is not saying this to “damn” joel—and i personally don’t think she is “damning” joel in the way you imply here, as there’s definitely potential for them to develop a relationship in s2 once she has more information about the truth of how he thinks of ellie. i think she’s warning ellie not to trust joel, because she doesn’t trust joel, at the end of the fucking day—and that’s about it. she trusts tommy in a way that she can’t quite trust joel yet, and why would she, at this point? it would make no sense for her to

so y’all can blame her and hate her for her distrust all you guys want (btw not necessarily talking to you, anon, ive just gotten some very nasty asks about maria from others so im talking to them rn!!!!!!!), but i’m sorry—you can’t tell me that it doesn’t at least make sense. she’s MARIA. she’s MADE OF SENSE

#WHEW #DO MY THUMBS HURT #i cant even be bothered to tag this fr #maria miller #asked and answered #joel and maria best friend agenda #tommy miller #joel miller #tess servopoulos

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