#and its just weird cause like. ive lost a fairly significant amount of weight since then
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#found a picture of me in a dress from last year#and realized i tried that dress on the other day and have a photo that looks almost exactly like it#same pose and everything#checked the date and realized that i took them (unknowingly) almost exactly one year apart. the difference is only like two or three days#and its just weird cause like. ive lost a fairly significant amount of weight since then#and what they dont tell you about growing up not skinny is that if you do lose weight at some point and become smaller#it doesnt necessarily feel good?? yknow? like in your brain i mean.#i feel so incredibly weird about it. especially seeing the side by side.#and its also not that i think that i wasnt pretty even though i was not confident in myself at all. cause i was! i think i was at least#and i think im pretty now too. but i think the feeling of weirdness comes from the fact that most people would look at those photos and go#'oh you look so much better/healthier now!' or something along those lines.#like other people would see me now as an improvement rather than the exact same guy just at a different stage in my life#does that make sense?? i hope so#its hard to convey this idea#idk. its weird. i like the way i fit into clothes better and i like the way my body handles my chronic pain a bit better now#but i feel a lot of guilt for thinking that way because i have quite literally never looked like this before#and if im happiest with the way i look now then what does that mean for the body i had my whole life before this? makes me sad a bit :(#ive always wanted to love every version of myself#but god it is so hard to do that when fatphobia is raging and rampant literally everywhere#aiilov-personal
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