#ive had more panic attacks over this fucking thing than days ive been in the challenge

[goawaymars]

senior assasin day three

today... i shall assasinate my target

i show up outside of her house across the street from where her car is parked in my familes old van

i turn the car off and i am perched on the van floor with door slightly open so i can see across the street

i am sitting in the freezing cold ducked under the window

im there waiting for almost an hour

until

i see her 

shes outside walking to her car

she doesnt even notcie the van is there

i slide open the door and draw my water gun

i hop out the car

she doesnt even see me

i aim

I-

...

THE FUCKING GUN IS JAMMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER MOM WALKS UP AND SEES ME AND YELLS AT HER TO GET HER ATTENTION

SHE SEES ME SCREAMS AND RUNS INTO THE GARAGE

THE FUCKING GUN STILL WONT UNCLOG

“DID YOU GET ME??”

“NO THE GUNS JAMMED”

I WALK OVER SO I AM STANDING BETWEEN HER AND HER CAR AND TRY UNLOCKING THE BACK OF THE GUN SO I CAN JUST SPLOOSH HER

SHES STILL GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL RIGHT!?

BUT THE BACK WONT COME UNDONE EITHER

HER MOMS JUST LIKE oh ill just drive you but good job that was cool :D AND THE TWO OF THEM DRIVE AWAY WITH ME STILL TRYING TO GET THE FUCKING GUN TO UNJAM

i cant decide rather to laugh or cry cause its hillarious that i managed to go full spy mode without even bothering to check my weapon or bring a backup but also I MANAGED TO GO FULL SPY MODE WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO CHECK MY WEPON OR BRING A BACKUP

...

anyway i just found out my assasinator got out so im safe to walk around freely for now

i still have until tomorrow to get my target but now that she knows who i am, and theres no school tomrorow and ive got work pretty much all day i highly doubt i will live past tomrow (everyone that is still standing but hasnt gotten their target is elimated midnight tomorrow) i honestly dont think ill really try

oh well i wanted a funny story and i got one ill take it!

but still somehow

I LIVE ANOTHER DAY

see ya tomorrow tumblr!

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Ok hear me out: Vessel has a gf (reader) who doesn’t know he’s Vessel but he wants to tell her and is super nervous because he‘s revealing such a big part of himself and he‘s kinda afraid that she‘ll be mad because he kept such a big secret from her (but ofc she‘s not mad duh)?? 😭

Fucking loved writing this my god…

That other side of me

He wasn’t sure why exactly he had kept it to himself for so long. Well, lie, he knew why or at least one side of why. People usually changed after that. There had been partners who hadn’t even been all that interested in anything serious before his admission. The eyes then sparked with possibilities - no longer love. So Vessel had gone careful with who he let in on the secret of his real and main job.

The first time he was hit with a wave of panic over this was when you had invited him over to spend the night. That whole concept was scary in itself. Because it had been a while since he had a serious relationship and at that time he was still waiting for it all to crumble somehow. You had been making tea in the kitchen when he saw it. A stack of sleep token records. His heart plummeted to the ground as anxiety surged up, he quickly pulled out his phone sending an almost gibberish text to the group chat along with a blurry picture - she’s a fucking fan.

“What’s this?”, Vessel had lifted the vinyl record as you walked back into the room. “Sleep token”, you mussed, “Have you heard of them? I swear every time I bring them up everyone’s like huh?”, you rambled on, “But they are so good and… you said that you liked this genre of music, I think you would love them”. Vessel probably looked like an absolute idiot standing with his mouth slightly open as he watched you. Your happiness seemed so genuine he could cry. “I’ll look into it”, he had muttered, setting the vinyl down. “I can send you my faves but you would probably have a whole album worth of song to listen”, you chuckled, settling down on the sofa beside him.

That and many more moments played in Vessel’s mind for weeks. The sound of you humming his songs. A shirt with their band symbol you wore to your fifth date. “I say just go for it”, iii shrugged during one of the rehearsals. “Like what’s worse that could happen?”, ii added. “She’s like all the others- a fame chaser and I will lose the best thing I had in ages”, Vessel sighed. “Shit, that’s dark”, iii blew out a breath. “But do you think she’s a gold digger? You talk completely differently about her than the girls you mingled with before”, iv pointed out. Vessel was about to answer when his phone pinged. He sighed before turning it to the boys. “Remind me again when you leave? Cause I’m looking at sleep token tickets wondering if we could find a date that works for us both” - it read. “You got yourself in a fine pickle here, mate”, iii chuckled. “Bring her backstage”, ii suggested. “And kill an innocent girl with a heart attack? You all are idiots”, iv shook his head.

And now he has sat in your apartment once again with days left before he was off to tour. Watching you make a list of things he should pack as you stirred dinner with one hand. “Wait you said registered luggage right? So nothing is off limits”, you looked over your shoulder catching a totally zoned-out Vessel. “Vess”, you said softly lowering the heat before turning to him. “What’s wrong? You’ve been off the past couple of days”, you gently brushed some of the hair away from his face, lifting his chin. He watched you for a moment before clearing his throat, “We need to talk”. Your body instantly gets ridged.

“You’re breaking up with me aren’t you”, you muttered, feeling your eyes sting instantly. “No, no, fuck no”, he reached for your hand pulling you closer to him. “It’s about sleep token”, Vessel muttered, against your stomach before lifting his head. “What?”, you frowned, “Vess, if you don’t like them I’m not some deranged fan, we can still date”, you shook your head. Vessel ran a hand over his face, taking a deep breath in, “I’m the lead singer. It’s my bad you like”. Your face blanked for a moment before you let out a light laugh, “Very funny”.

“I’m serious”, Vessel nodded, “Come to the show I will bring you backstage, can take the mask off me yourself”. He watched as all the gears slowly turned before you let out a laugh. “I thought I was losing my mind cause you smiled a couple of weeks back and it was so Vessel, I thought I had just…”, you shook your head, “shit, oh my god… I showed you my shrine…”, you whined hiding your face in your hands. Vessel chuckled pulling at your wrists, “It was cute”, “Cute? You probably think I’m crazy”, you grunted.

“I just didn’t want this to change anything between us”, Vessel admitted. “No, I… look if you want I can pretend that you are going on a work trip and I don’t have to be a part of that side of your life. I can sell the tickets and take down…”, “Okay, take a deep breath”, Vessel cuts you off, threading his fingers through yours. “I like that you’re a fan and I want you at the shows”, he reassured you. “I can sign papers if you want but I won’t say anything to anyone I… I’m dating you a tall nerdy guy, not Vessel”, you leaned in cupping your face, “Even if it’s fucking sexy to think…”, you chuckled making Vessel let out a light laugh as well. “I love you”, he muttered, “and I you. This you”, you tapped at his chest, “that another side is a nice addition but it doesn’t matter to me”.

[anundyingfidelity]

I'M A RUIN — Soldier Boy/Ben (Part III)

Series summary: After the events of the Seven Tower, you present Grace Mallory a new secret project you're working on already to develop a cure to Compound V. The only problem? You need Soldier Boy for that.

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader.

Word count: 2.2k.

Warnings for series: set after S3 (spoilers), some OOC!Ben, some depressed!Ben, angst, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, slow-burn, language, PTSD, reader has Compound V (she's no Vought supe tho), Soldier Boy being an usual asshole, reader is a fucking liar.

Warnings on this chapter: panic attack, killing threats, violence, Ben my poor meowmeow, hurt/comfort, mentions of rape.

☕ if you like my writing, support me with a ko-fi !

get yourself in the taglist!

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII

Notes: this is mostly a bonding chapter between Ben and the reader, also there's more about the reader's past in here plus a special guest lmao. I'm having too much fun writing this! If anyone would like to be tagged I'll be more than happy to do so! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

this fic tags: @k-slla @syrma-sensei @mostlymarvelgirl @cheynovak

GEN MASTERLIST! — SERIES MASTERLIST!

Part III: Afraid of the Fall

Ben felt his head being hammered and strange voices in a foreign language mumbled to him, all while they laughed and mocked his suffering, causing loud screams and groans of pain falling off his mouth. He struggled, feeling his skin burning again and again. He hoped it stopped, sitting down on the edge of the mattress, but things didn't get better.

Far away, he heard a familiar voice, shouting to get inside. But he couldn't move from his place to reach it. He groaned again, grabbing the sides of his head strongly and covering his ears, elbows on his knees, at the same time he felt a fire forming on his chest. It was happening again. He didn't want to do it. He couldn't do it. He had been trying to control himself with the reefer the past few days. Why now? Why here? He thought he might lose control over himself one more time, and it scared him to death.

There was a loud sound of metal and high heels running towards him, until someone dropped in front of him.

"Ben?"

He barely recognized your voice, but he felt your hands running all over his cheeks, until he opened his tired eyes.

"Ben, you're fine, okay? You're safe here," he took in your gentle voice as you knelt in front of him. He saw you observing his chest and the blast forming in there. "Please, you can control yourself. Look at me, breathe."

He moaned in pain again, closing his eyes shut. He was holding back as much as his strength allowed him, but it wasn't working. Your worried eyes locked when he opened his own again, green and teary.

"Please just breathe. Inhale and exhale," you said, mimicking the directions as he tried to steady his breath following you.

"That's it, go on," you repeated, encouraging him to keep doing the same. "Take my hands, here," he felt your palms embracing his rough hands, his grip hard on your soft ones. "Keep breathing."

The explosion on his chest was still there but as you soothed him with your voice, he eventually felt as the burn dissipated little by little.

"You're safe now, nothing's gonna happen," you mumbled. "Breathe."

Ben took in your whispering voice, until the burn stopped. You remained there with him, hands together, as he opened his eyes anew. He found a comforting smile on your lips, but as soon as he scanned the room he found two men standing in the doorway. Armed and pointing at him, ready to shoot him. He looked between you and the men, and abruptly got on his feet, shoving you away with such force. You landed over your ass on the floor just a couple of steps away from him. The guards aimed their guns immediately.

"Don't!" you ordered.

"Doctor, he was about to blast," said one of them.

"Stop it!" you raised your hands, with glossy eyes and lungs out of air. "Please, leave," you pleaded. Ben remained in the same spot, figuring out if he had to fight you and the men. 

"Doc, the gas-"

"Leave now!" you shouted. They hesitated. "I can handle this, just go and don't turn on the gas, that's an order."

Your gaze might've worked because they slowly backed up and left, closing the heavy door and leaving you alone with the supe. He looked at you, breathing steady and an outraged face. You stood up, fists tight, as Ben closed the distance between both of you.

"Ben, I'm so sorry-"

You choked on your own words, his hand grabbing your neck with his tight grip. "Don't fucking tell me I'm safe. You've built a chamber that'd kill me while I sleep," he growled. Your hands took on his wrists.

Ben just held you in place, denying oxygen into your lungs. He was fucking mad at how you decided to play with him and his life. All these days, he had the chance to end you and that fucking building, and he didn't do it. He felt like a fucking idiot. He had to finish this now. Suddenly, he loosened the rough grip around your throat and slammed you harshly, until your back hit the hardwood of the coffee table.

You coughed as you tried to lift yourself to a sitting position, the mess of the broken wooden lying underneath.

"Ben," you gasped looking up at him. "It's okay if you want to kill me. I'm only asking you to think twice because I'll be dead but it'll be worse for you."

How could it be? Ben couldn't take a fucking break without knowing the damn gas could be turned on if any of those cocksuckers, you included, wanted to. He was beyond pissed. Over and over, he became surrounded by traitors, people who didn't give a single shit about him. And now, he just wanted to rip your head off, kill everyone inside, and run away. Yet somehow he couldn't. With brows furrowed and a cold expression on his face, he watched your figure on the floor, vulnerable and aching due to the impact, at his cruel mercy. But his body wouldn't move an inch to get to you.

Slowly you got on your feet again and for a moment that felt eternal, you looked at each other. Ben was just waiting for the rage to flourish and do what he had to since he met you in that fucking office. He had to kill everyone when they took him out of that box. Too sad he couldn't go back to the past and change his decisions.

You held his haze, and all of the sudden you stepped forward wrapping your arms around his muscular waist. He was shocked.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," you whispered, hiding your face on his chest.

Ben felt your warmth against his flesh, but he couldn't do more than stay frozen in the middle of the room. The only physical contact he had felt for a long time was for the purpose of torture, pain, and suffering. A hug felt strangely uncomfortable to him. More so after he was the one ready to kill everyone around, starting with you. You must have noticed the stiffness on his body because you slowly backed up and separated from him.

He gave you a confused look and you started to speak softly again.

"I can leave if you want-"

His voice came barely as a whisper. "No."

You nodded, locking your eyes with his own. "Okay. You want to talk?"

"I don't know," he said softly.

Calmly, you asked him to sit on the edge of the bed and Ben soon followed as you did. His eyes were lost in the room and he felt regretful for what he did to you. Anyone in your place would just have left and ran away. He'd be alone, just like he had in the past decades. But you didn't. You were there by his side because you wanted to help him. At least that's what you said.

"I had a nightmare," he began. "It felt so real."

"I'm here, you can let it out," you reassured. Ben felt your eyes on him, but he wasn't strong enough to see your face, so he focused on the wall on the other side of the room.

"I was there... Again. I thought I was there, and thought I was going to blow up everything. Haven't felt this pain since you brought me here, until today," Ben mumbled. "I don't know what happened. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," you replied once he finished. "You're not a bad person."

"I could've killed you," his words sounded like a fear confession.

But he didn't have any idea of why he would care that much for a stranger like you. He harmed you, and still here you were. It was almost as if you were not scared of him, the atrocities he had done and the ones he could do in the future.

"But you didn't, so don't torture yourself with things that are not real."

He believed you were right. At the same time, it was difficult to push those thoughts away.

"I'm a fucking mess," he said, his eyes locked on his lap as he played with his hands like he was a child. "My father was right."

"Ben-"

"I could've done so much better with him."

"Who?"

"Homelander."

This time, he found your intense gaze. You shook your head.

"You didn't know what Vought was up to. That is not your fault."

"But he is my son in the end," Ben grumbled. "And he has a fucking son of his own."

"A lab experiment," you corrected. "A lab experiment that has a child, product of a rape. You don't have to call that your blood."

He gave a sad smile that quickly disappeared. "I wish I didn't have to. I always wanted kids. Y'know, give them the figure I never had, let them know I'm proud of them, tell them they mean everything to me... Be a better father. And I feel guilty for no reason."

You nodded. "I understand all that, and you'll get over the generational trauma and the PTSD. I promise. Just remember before you run, you need to learn how to walk."

A part of his heart refused to believe your words, that you were lying, but the look in your eyes said otherwise. Probably you were not as bad as he thought you'd be. After all, you were there. You had the courage to step in front of him, to be in the same room as him, and to come every day just in hope to have some sort of advance even when he was pushing his pain away. All those efforts and insistences, they had to mean something in the end. Right?

Last couple of days were hell. You caught something good though. Soldier Boy finally talked to you. Just a little. Anything was fine at this point. For you, work didn't stop. Rest was not an option most of the time. So on Sunday morning you drove back to your apartment after spending the whole Saturday working on more details about the Anti-V prototype.

Once in the building, you made your usual way to your door and immediately got rid of your coat and shoes in the entry hall. You were so tired and craving for a sleep, so you made your way to your bedroom, until a horribly annoying voice you knew too well stopped you on the doorframe.

"Well, don't you work your ass off," the blonde man swung into your room in his usual ridiculous outfit, admiring every detail of the place. He gave you a disturbingly disgusting smile.

You also noticed the balcony windows and curtains were open. Of fucking course he'd used the easiest way to break into your home.

"What-"

"Oh, you know who I am, doctor. I can break the president's home if I want to," Homelander beamed when he stopped just inches from you.

You gulped and crossed your arms on your chest.

"And may I ask why are you here?"

"You know why, don't play dumb."

"No, I don't. Enlighten me, please," you replied, faking it. "You know, I don't really think we've met before."

"Actually, we did. It was in an audition. Around 2009, remember?" 

"Now I do," your jaw clenched. That was a fucking memory you wanted to erase and bury forever. "I'm glad I didn't pass that shit."

 "Yeah, you were such a waste now that I think of. Could've been with our team now."

Homelander chuckled, proudly and honorably, walking around and stopping in front of your vanity. He started to check your perfumes and jewelry that spread on there, like a damn kid. You followed him immediately.

"What do you want?"

"Straight to the point, fine," he began, facing you once again. Smile long gone. "I know you're up to something. Fucking stop it."

Your lips opened but he shut you up with a gesture of his hand and went on.

"Uh-uh, not now. Don't try to deny it. Don't make fucking excuses," Homelander closed the distance between both of you. His lips brushed your ear and somehow, you were frozen in place. You didn't know what would happen next, he was unpredictable.

"I know you have my dad with you, and what you're doing will not benefit me," he whispered and he pulled back to see your blank face, eyes staring with rage. "Just a small warning. I got my eyes on you," he chuckled. "But don't worry, I'm giving you a chance. Only one chance to stop whatever the fuck you're doing. Trust me, you don't wanna know what I have for you."

He started to walk to the balcony without giving you time for an answer. Not that you had much of a comeback in mind when your life and project were now in danger. At least he was going to finally leave your place. Before flying away, he turned around one last time.

"Better take care of the old man, uhm?"

Those were his last words. And you knew he didn't mean them.

You were so fucked now.

[denkilightning]

Why is Jay a mom to Lloyd and not a dad, he's more paternal imo

oh this is a very very fun question

short answer: jay draws parallels with edna libber and misako in the most actually maternal scenes + exploration of aspects of womanhood from a transmasc perspective, which is a very very nuanced conversation + the effect it has on jay

long answer:

soooo personally im a big freak when it comes to anything female-gender-role related mixed with transmasculinity which is crucial in my interpretation of jay

ive talked previously about jay paralleling their mothers so lets go over it quickly

1. edna - the rollerskates episode in s4 where jay explicitly states that he was in a tournament with edna and they won, which is exactly what he does with lloyd later in the episode

2. misako - in the second to last episode of s2 when lloyds had his ass handed to him by the overlord he mimics misakos actions beat for beat

3. libber - all we actually know about her is her relation to jay and cliff and through a lot of overthinking ive come to believe that she parallels jays relationship with lloyd and nya greatly, especially with leaving jay never to be seen again kinda like jay does in dr

jays relationship with lloyd is set up very differently than the other ninja - hes the one to actually carry him onto the bounty; when lloyd begun his training as the green ninja, he had the recreation/leisure time with jay, meaning the few moments of the day where he could unpack emotions and unwind leaving jay way more in tune with lloyds emotions which we've seen plenty examples of (also paralleling misako);

(here jays the first to notice and ask whats wrong)

the way hes willing to give up both his and everyone elses lives for lloyd

(here hes willing to give up his last wish - the thing hes been tortured for weeks for just to save lloyd)

i cant add any more pictures here but heres the example of it!! jay ripped lloyd away from cole so he wouldnt get corrupted, later he pushed lloyd away to take the hit

and episode prior hes shown having a literal panic attack over lloyd fighting the overlord

and most importantly - ✨ THE LOSS OF PERSONHOOD THAT COMES WITH BEING A MOTHER ✨

that is something i want to explore so so so much and jay seems like a perfect opportunity, along with other mothers of ninjago.

(also why i think its such a fun concept to bring morro back, since theyre so similar and its the team that saved jay from morros path, having your narrative twin hit you with a 'fucking hell youre losing yourself dude' hits so much harder imo)

tldr: i think it parallels the mothers weve seen in ninjago + it fits my own personal experiences+issues i have currently and themes i want to explore!!

and diclaimer: you have every right in the world to have your own interpretation of these characters and their relationships, this is simply the way i read the text and narrative weve been given :))

[zai-doodles]

In your fairy tail will Laxus be different, guy was too much of a prick to accept his change of heart or that "deep down, he's a good guy", he threatened to kill the entire city just because he had daddy issues.

i have so many opinions ive been avoiding answering this until i had time to write an essay so here you go.

So, i personally, feel like fairy tail has a really weird habit of having characters do extremely irredeemable shit, say several times that the character is enjoying what their doing, then have their character do a 180 several arcs later because after fighting fairy tail they just saw the light or some shit.

Like i was rewatching the Battle of Fairy Tail arc and lauxus is just... so awful? and the way they try to redeem him with the spell shit not working like sir he was going to kill everyone maybe we dont give him a pass?

all this to say heres how I would rewrite the battle of fairy tail:

Ok so i'd keep Laxus' resentment of Makorav over the banishment of his dad, the only thing keeping laxus in ft is knowing one day hes going to inherit the guild. He works his ass off to become as powerful as he can in order to live up to that legacy but also...

He hates it there.

Specifically, the ones who grew up in the guild (ie erza, mira, natsu, gray, etc) because he always felt like makorav embraced them more than laxus.

So he works hard and keeps his head down, picking fights more out of resentment than anything the other guild members did. I think some of the older guild members who remember Ivan are very wary of Laxus but not afraid just... keeping an eye out.

Laxus reads it as pity.

Once Laxus grows up, hes arrogant, entitled, and selfish. He puts his everything into becoming the best and surrounds himself with yes men (the thunder legion im getting to them) who boost his ego.

Then one day he overhears some fairy tail members spreading a rumor that Makorav is going to retire...

And Erza is going to become the next guild master.

And it fucking breaks something inside him.

I think Laxus resents Erza the most because its just so clear Makorav favors her over everyone. Shes so perfect and humble and honorable and...

Everything Laxus isn't.

So he sets up a plan. He's going to take the guild by force.

ok so it happens basically the same as canon right up until the end. Before the timer runs out Laxus demands Makorav hand the guild over to him before all these people get hurt.

Makorav shows up to confront laxus and instead of doing or saying anything, he just quietly walks up to laxus and stands in front of him.

Laxus starts to panic and yells about how the old man has to give up or everyone is going to die. Outside fairy tail is taking down the dome but its not enough.

Laxus grows more erratic but Makorav says nothing.

The timer runs out and nothing happens.

Laxus sighs in defeat. He's been caught.

He was bluffing.

See the plan laxus and the thunder legion made was simple, they'd prove themselves the strongest by beating the entire guild and once everyone was taken out, makorav would have no choice to hand the guild over since no one was left to stop the thunder dome.

the body link magic still hurt any attackers just to make them seem more real, but they were only really there to pressure Makorav into caving.

Laxus didnt account for his grandpa having faith in him.

However the power grab couldn't be ignored, attacking the guild and even just threatening the city leads to laxus getting banished.

The thunder legion decide to leave fairy tail but laxus forbids them from following him anymore, not feeling worthy of being their leader anymore. So the thunder legion kinda just go off on their own as a trio for the time being.

Idk if this feels lame to others but to me its better than having laxus fully believe hes going to kill everyone and go through with it (even if the spell didnt work) only to redeem him later. It just feels weird to me? idk im not a great writer but this is just my lil rewrite.

as a treat have my bickslow redesign

shhh ik its not v good im still work shopping it but this is like, my third attempt so just take it for now

[laurelnose]

good news! I don’t have a brain tumor 🥰

so basically what happened is

mid-december: i acquire Debilitating Migraine, 10 out of 10 worst pain I’ve felt in my entire fucking life Migraine, worse than the time I spent three weeks recovering from major surgery completely sober because I am inexplicably resistant to just about every class of painkiller I’ve ever tried Migraine. (I actually only rank the surgery experience about a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale.) we get the migraine down to Bad But Manageable by locating several new Christmas light strings that turned out to be flickering at speeds the human eye could not detect but my human brain certainly could and throwing them all out. I make a doctor’s appointment.

last week: I finally see my PCP. she prescribes me a triptan, which is an abortive med that is meant to stop migraine attacks. the triptan decreases the headache but does not remove it entirely. also, the damn thing keeps getting worse again. I try it three times over the week, which is the maximum number of times you’re supposed to take a triptan in a month. almost like you’re not supposed to have more than three headaches in a month or something?? weird. well, technically I haven’t had three. it’s all the Same Damn Headache.

this same day I also pick up a topiramate prescription, which is a preventative. i am advised i can start the topiramate even if i am not pain free. maybe if i give it a day or two it will help even if i am currently having an attack??

wednesday i see my PCP for followup and tell her i am still in pain. she offers to get me squeezed in to have an intramuscular toradol (heavy-duty NSAID) shot. this kicks in within 20 minutes and doubles my migraine pain. I was at 3-ish and now I am at 6 and unhappy about it.

i do not come back down from the level the toradol kicked me up to. i survive thursday by not doing very much of anything.

uh? holy shit? yeah, sure?

friday the pain becomes unbearable. back up to an 8, which isn’t the worst it’s been but it’s also Day Forty Fucking Two and I’m so tired. I leave work early & go to urgent care where they pump me fulla benadryl and dexamethasone. absolutely none of this is fun — the dexamethasone feels like a panic attack and the benadryl makes me dizzy and light-headed + makes it very hard to think of words? what the shit do people take benadryl recreationally for? but! the pain diminishes dramatically. after the IV’s done they get me in for a CT scan and are like hey! you don’t have a brain tumor! (I was not actually worried I had a brain tumor but it’s always nice to rule it out.) but you do have a sinus infection and a bunch of fluid buildup that’s probably triggering the migraine. (really? but I haven’t been congested?) yeah, no, it’s really deep in there. do you wanna do antibiotics and sudafed about that to clear up the fluid?

saturday morning the head pain is back but it’s mild and it feels LIKE A FUCKING SINUS HEADACHE and not a migraine anymore oh my god. Guess what kinds of headaches are fucking fixable and tend not to be intractable and unpreventable. It’s also like, a manageable amount of pain? It hurts but I feel okay?? I get thru work without taking my breaks in the dark with a heat pad? I look at headlights on the dark road coming home and am not immediately debilitated? 😭 Maybe in a week and a half when the antibiotics course is done I will actually just be Fine??

I really shoulda gone to urgent care back in December. Too bad I didn’t quite realize you could go to urgent care for migraines until I’d seen my PCP for the first time and that couldn’t happen earlier bc, well, appointments are hard to come by.

I’m wondering in hindsight if the triptan WAS kicking the migraine more effectively than I thought it was and i couldn’t tell because I had a sinus headache underneath (which kept bringing the migraine back). this also explains why I was getting decent results with Vick’s VapoRub LMAO. Like some people do swear by menthol for migraines but it was probably helping the congestion too.

anyways this is why I’ve been quiet. I will be quiet for a little while longer probably bc the sinus headache is still not fun but it is getting better. in fact i had to get up and eat breakfast to take my antibiotic but it is sunday and i don’t actually want to be awake so i think i’m going back to bed

i am never letting anyone talk me into taking another NSAID ever fucking again.

[obitv]

anyway its new anime season which means i get to talk about the anime ive enjoyed over the last 3 months yayyyy

elusive samurai 10/10 oh my god. i had it as a 9/10 for most of the season bc yorishige weirded me out but he mostly calmed down and idc it deserves the ten. fun plot fun characters interesting designs and THE ANIMATIONNNN ive seen reviews say "this would be a ten if not for the cgi" but theyre wrong. we all hate the horses. thats a given. but quite honestly yhe cgi people were done really well and sometimes i didnt even notice they WERE cgi til i saw the horses. also, they did PAPER STOP MOTION. and various other things i cant think of off the top of my head. the side characters too are all unique and dont feel like wasted screentime like i love you fubuki i love you kojiro i dont hate yorishige i love you ayako. if you want a fun show with some drama and amazing art then watch this. season 2 highly likely!

oshi no ko s2 10/10 too its onk i cant rate it lower i love this stupid show. sorry. like s1 the art was gorgeous im really happy with how they did scenes like aquas panic attacks and the representation of his guilt, akanes revelation, rubys discovery, etc. theres still another episode but i dont care. the emotional beats hit exactly like i wanted them too great show. motivated me to catch up on the manga after i dropped it over the kiss and im really glad i did (THEY DIDNT COMMIT TO THE INCEST THING THANK GOD). i will always recommend onk if you want an interesting drama with murder-mystery aspects

delicos nursery 10/10 yes another 10. i fucking love this show. 6 episodes in and the second half has been delayed but its on the fucking list bc i love it. has been described as a classical painting turned anime and i agree. the background art is consistently stunning it really does look like a painting. the children are so cute. unbelievably cute. oh my god seriously. the worldbuilding has been really fun too. im completely unfamiliar with the source material but i dont care. the rating might just be for how cute the kids are. maybe. undoubtably this is going to be a comfort show for me in the future. even the villain cast seems interesting i want to know everyones deal. cannot endorse this enough

senpai wa otokonoko 8/10 i havent watched the finale yet but still. cute queer romance. highly relatable too honestly... saki my aro icon i love her she deserves better. makoto being a crossdresser and not explicitly transfem might not be for everyone but i liked how it was done eg saki and ryuuji taking him out for a girl day. so cute. i think the balance between silly teen drama and fairly realistic issues was done well. hell it handles things even outside of the homophobia and transphobia like sakis home life. wouldnt rec it to everyone but i will say its more than it looks on the surface and i enjoyed it

other things i watched recently that werent seasonal: link click! 9/10 its like all the good things from future diary kind of. not really. ish. i need to stop comparing them but its compulsive. funny but it did make me cry my fucking eyes out at times though i was more interested in the actual plot by season 2. yingdu arc save me. oh and haikyuu. its haikyuu. generally a 9/10 series i truly dont care that much for shounen sports anime but it was a fun watch im excited for the next movie i wish timeskip was going to get more attention though.

+ bonus: i havent finished shoushimin but i did highly enjoy the first 5 episodes. it didnt make the list because im scared the evil twin thing wasnt a joke and i cannot rate it until i find out

[nymphfette]

btw- I’ve been doing better with my health 💖 autoimmune issues/thyroid issues and pcos all made extremely worse by stress- ptsd and also the other way around. Just a vicious cycle I was in. Still am in but have made a lot of progress since I was first dealing with absolute daily hell that started about a year or so ago.

Oh and I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia. Ive had PTSD for a few years now but the recent health issues obviously made it worse and so I developed agoraphobia :))))) it got so bad, I would barely leave my house (my safe safe) for longer than an HOUR at time, once a day. Couldn’t be on a car ride for longer than 10 minutes without freaking out, hyperventilating, heart beating out of my chest, sweating my ass off and sometimes puking my guts out. I was terrified to get in a car and if I had to go somewhere that I knew was a long car ride (10 mins or more) id have such a hard time. And there were times were I’d be doing alright on a longer ride, like 30 mins and I’d think I was like 20 mins in and there was only 10 more minutes I had to go and I’d look at google maps and see there was 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes…..I’d genuinely lose it. Over 5 extra minutes. Genuinely freak out. It was hell. It was no way to live.

I still am struggling with it but I’ve been trying really hard to get better. Health wise- I have a lot of it under control. I barely have flare up attacks anymore. My hypothyroidism is in check. My pcos symptoms are still a bit haywire but I’m working on that, the priority was the autoimmune and thyroid and the just constant inflammation all over. Everywhere. My wbc is only about 1000 over normal right now which is Iike nothing compared to what it was and is a huge improvement. Medications and supplements I’m on have been a big help along with the autoimmune protocol diet- it’s a VERY strict diet and I did it for a few months and once it helped get things in check, I was able to slowly introduce a more “normal” diet into my life but still keeping away from gluten and added sugars, too much starch and too much dairy.

So yeah my health health has gotten a lot better and I’ll continue to work on it keep it that way. My mental health is better as well- like, now I can go out for like 3 hours a day without losing my mind and can do like 30 minute car rides before I start to have bad panic attacks and agoraphobia attacks. I know that still sounds bad but compared to what it was…… barely could do 10 mins…. 5 mins being the preferred… it’s a huge improvement. Still have bad PTSD/Agoraphobia attacks here and there and My autistic burnout and sensory issues and then like general anxiety is still very high but again, it has been improved and I’m continuing to work on it.

I’ve been given the okay to go back to work but work from home job like I’ve done before. I can’t work outside my home right now without putting all the exposure therapy and DBT and work and etc etc at risk, I’m not ready for that yet, and I agree with my dr. That will come in time.

SO, the past month I’ve been looking for remote/work from home positions and man, I’ve been having a rough time, and before had health issues and stuff and was off work and stuff a year or so ago, I had lots and lots of experience and my resume for the telehealth and benefits customer support field is great. I know I’m a great candidate, have great references and I never ever had an issue finding a job before, let alone getting an interview. I know the past few months I’ve been hearing ppl in my country Canada especially talk about how hard it is to get a job right now and man, they weren’t kidding were they?

It sucks I have a limit on what I can do right now…..and I really want to get back to work not only to help myself and get back into a normal life and routine but also bc financially, the income I receive through disability literally covers my BASE BASE BASE needs and that’s it, and I mean that’s fucking it. Of course im thankful I have that bc when I was waiting for it when I first got really sick, that was not easy. That was hell but it would be nice to have a LITTLE bit of pocket money to be able to buy a couple things for myself now and then, you know? I can’t even get my skincare products for my skincare routine I’ve had for years and years anymore :((( & they weren’t crazy expensive products lmao. All of the products in the routine probably totalled like hmm MAX $80 and I’d only need to replace them like every 3 months??? So yeah lol. & also, it’s fall now and I need a new fall coat and I can’t even go to the thrift store and get like a $30 peacoat (which is what I want lol- I love my peacoats) SO YEAH, I WANT A JOB AGAIN!!! & working in the contact center field for telehealth or benefits, was a decent job. Perfectly suited to my needs and even more so now, so yeah- I hope I’ll be hearing back from someone soon!!!

[violentviolette]

can't sleep. my cats been missing since yesterday afternoon. this'll be her second night not here and the longest she's ever been away from home. its been raining all day. its still raining. my wife thinks she might have gotten stuck up a tree. she hates the cold and being wet. also heights. she doesn't like jumping up to high places. we think she fell out of a tree when she was a kitten before I found her.

I looked for her all day and into tonight. stopped once it got too dark. gonna keep looking once the sun comes up again and I know I need go sleep before that happens

ive never actually bonded with an animal before but ive also never had one as long as ive had her. its been 10 years. ive also never had one go missing. i dont like new feelings. ive had 3 panic attacks and started crying like a dozen times. ive checked all over the house, every floor every room top to bottom over and over again. pretty much once every hour. I checked outside 4 times but I didn't search the trees in the backyard. thats the first thing I'm gonna check in the morning. I want to check now but its pitch black and I dont have a good enough flashlight. but its raining. its raining and she hates the rain and heights and the cold

I dont actually know what I'll do if shes dead. not finding her would somehow be worse. id just worry forever.. I still don't know how she got out, if she got out. my wife keeps telling me there's no way she's just dead inside the house. she wasn't sick. or old. theres nothing she could eat that would poison her. if she'd fallen inside and snapped her neck we'd have found her by now. the dogs would know and be acting weird. by tomorrow wed start to smell her.. shes gotta be outside

I just want her to be somewhere. anywhere. Its driving me insane that I dont know where she is or what's happening to her or where to find her. I dont even have a clue. she just disappeared into thin air. she's not an outside cat. everywhere I look and everything I do is a guess or a shot in the dark. I dont know what to do so im not doing enough. I could look for her better if I knew where she was. if I knew anything at all other than that I saw her in the kitchen yesterday afternoon and then haven't seen her since. I hate not knowing things I hate not having information I hate not knowing what the right thing to do next is. theres too many variables and too many options and I just don't know.

I spent all day tearing apart the house looking for her. what if shes been outside the whole time. I could have been looking outside more. I could have found her by now. what if I keep wasting more time and more days go by because I just don't know

I hate not knowing. it makes u make the wrong decisions. u dont know and then u do the wrong thing and then u get the bad outcome because u didn't know. I hate it I hate it I hate it. this is why I need to know everything all the time because if I just know things I can fix it. I never have enough information to just fucking fix it

I need to go to sleep. I want my cat back.

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past. 

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case. 

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3  Love,

C

[meat-huge-pain-endless]

huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

[eatingdisordertw]

aug 29 2023

last winter i got to the point where i was, in the most literal sense, not consuming more than 500 calories total a week. and that’s being generous. i was the deepest i had ever been in my addiction, blow and adderall every single day, and getting so fucking skinny was the best part. i went without eating a single thing for over a week multiple times, usually only ending up forcing myself to choke something down after a while because i realized how long it’s been since i ate and freaked out. but i never got fucking hungry. my stomach was probably the size of a walnut, i would take a bite of something and feel so nauseous and full.

i have been trying to get sober and i have gained ten pounds already. i don’t think i can maintain my weight without being off drugs. it’s such a hopeless feeling because i know something bad is going to happen to me if i continue like this but i just cannot gain any more weight back. ive been having debilitating panic attacks like i haven’t experienced since middle school, i literally don’t have the power to ground myself and fight them off any more. i can’t just not eat like i used to. i don’t even know who im talking to. i just hate this

[nightsjod]

honestly i really truly want to fucking move on and let it go and enjoy myself after removing the crazy toxicity out of my life but since i cannot stop having panic attacks every single night this week trying to go to sleep because you wanted to go around aiding in spreading probably one of the most disgusting worst lies anyone has ever spread about me im actually going to not turn my head away because i know the type of person you are and i know how obsessed you will remain with me "Taking Accountability" that even though ive demanded you leave me and my friends alone i know you are most likely never going away so im going to let it out truly and honestly to give it to you straight and i hope afterwards you take the hint and never try something like this again. So to you:

I genuinely do not give a fuck anymore.

I would sincerely have liked nothing more than to apologize for anything ive done that hurt you in the past that youve brought up i didnt know about. even though i have never had any malicious intent or ill feelings that doesnt change that i could have said something in passing that made you feel a certain way and i am trying to rectify my behavior to pay attention to my language of who im talking to and how to not be Unintentionally hurtful anymore. The thing is tho, is i do not think you deserve me saying that and not because you dont deserve to have your pain acknowledged but because you will NEVER acknowledge mine in return. i have no interest in a one sided friendship and apology where i am constantly controlled, told how to act, told MY behavior needs to change when every single time i have brought up something YOU do that is wrong its "its how i cope" "its how i see things" "its just how i relate" because you can say that all you want but the truth is you made me feel miserable and you made other people around you miserable and you are so self absorbed and obsessed with the actions of everyone else around you and think youre better than them you will never be able to apologize for any of your actions and how toxic and emotionally manipulative you have been since we were children.

I have no interest in taking any sort of "accountability" you have claimed, or will claim in the future. im tired of your obsession over me. i dont WANT this to keep going back and forth. i want to be left alone. i want you to leave me alone. i want you to move on with your life and stop wallowing every single day in misery and drama over me and bringing it to me even after ive long cut BOTH OF YOU OFF because i am just not fucking interested anymore. actually leave me alone.

Since your "Friends" want to check up on this blog instead of you facing up to your own actions of bringing this up and proposals for "discussion" yourself and see i actually did message you PRIVATELY like this should have been. here

you are one of the most self centered emotionally controlling and manipulative friend i have ever had. the fact you keep COUNT of every time youve "helped" me through my "Troubles" and act like i have never once done anything for you is utterly insane behavior. i am EXHAUSTED from it. you wanted to end the friendship and im simply trying to honor that. im not fighting it. there is no point in fighting because i refuse to bend over and allow you to control every fucking thing i do again and you will not give in to see your own behavior EVER.

sorry i didnt want to TRAUMA DUMP on an anon like you so much like to do and try to remain optimistic and positive on my public blog but since you want to air out my own PERSONAL LIFE ON TUMBLR which you are very much in the wrong for doing so, ESPECIALLY using it as a weapon against me, fine. and especially since you want to go into fucking discord servers to claim i was lying about getting help after your messages, and publicly trying to call me a fraud then fine. i will also be public and honest like you want.

i tried to kill myself over this. i sincerely could not take it anymore and i felt like everything fcking shattered because no matter what i did no matter how hard i tried and what i did it was never good enough for you. you could never accept that i had a full time job, i had other friends, i had my own issues THAT DONT INVOLVE YOU and my own ENTIRE life and it was NEVER good enough for you. mad at me because i "dont follow through with plans" like we arent 24 years old and i work 50 hours a week? when have u ever once texted me "lets play this together tonight. lets see a movie tonight" you didnt. you are mad i didnt make the effort for YOUR life. i DID go to therapy because of it. you want to see the hospital and medical bills ive been paying because of it? because i will. call my fucking mother and she will tell you what SHES had to go through from this because she is also done with you and you airing out every issue youve ever had on her every time youd come over and never ONCE asking her how she is doing after losing her husband. call HER and tell her i was "obviously lying" when i said i would get help.

i wasnt going to fight it. i didnt want to bend over and "Just listen and change my behavior" because i didnt need to change. i was DOING my best. friendship isnt a transaction, unlike you keeping count every time you helped me apparently i didnt bc it wasnt things i Expected returned or expected PRAISE for. i bought games for you i WANTED to play together so wed have something else to talk about other than Negative Topics because i wanted you to desperately feel better and happy with something but you COULDNT because you could not stop being obsessed with your own misery and nobody likes being around that. thats the bitter truth. so i said bye because it wasnt worth it and if ending our friendship was something you TRULY thought was the best course of action then like fine. whatever.

so please continue telling everyone you meet every day the rest of your life about the horrible bad friend you once had. who never did anything for you ever because i know you are going to. and continue to surround yourself with equally controlling people who validate your feelings. i will be enjoying my life and continuing to ignore any further messages as well. ok, bye

[chibinightowl]

Waiting is the worst part. Logically, Tim knows his husband is in the best possible place for the care he needs. But he's also behind doors that not even the name Wayne will open, waiting alone in a place that has caused him so much trauma in the past.

Well, perhaps not this particular hospital, but other medical centers and other medical professionals have all contributed to Jason's PTSD.

Tim can't even sit with him, hold his hand, and field questions so his husband doesn't have to. He can't tell the staff to speak up, that Jason is half deaf on one side and has damage on the other thanks to an accident years before. He can't give him a hug when he goes back for his scans and offer a smile when he returns.

What's worse, what's tearing Tim's guts up inside, is the guilt that he didn't listen when Jason first mentioned he wasn't well. Admittedly, they both thought the nausea was a side effect of the panic attack Jason suffered two days before. He'd spent the morning vomiting before a doctor appointment he couldn't put off any more. They chalked it up to anxiety and that it would pass once the visit was over.

The appointment might be over but the nausea remains. Chills and cold sweats have entered into the mix and Jason has spent the last couple of nights tossing restlessly in the living room where the floor is paneled rather than carpeted. It's not unusual for him to lie there--he runs warm to begin with and has said he enjoys a nap where the flooring is cool on his skin.

This morning when Tim woke up, Jason was still there, whimpering and restless. His eyes cracked open when Tim sat down in the armchair with his coffee. "Babe, I don't feel good," he'd said.

"I know," Tim had soothed. "When did you last take your nausea meds?"

They both know what a vicious cycle Jason's brain can get stuck in, how his body reacts to stressors and how in turn he'll fixate when there's nothing actually wrong. Many a virtual doctor visit has been had for exactly that.

But today, tears welled up in Jason's eyes when Tim brushed him aside. "I took them already," he'd said. "Nothing is working. I can't eat. I can't drink. I'm cold and hot and I fucking hurt. I know this shit is all probably in my head but I want to see a doctor and have them tell me that to my face."

Tim remembers all too well how he'd felt like he was humoring his husband when he snagged his tablet to look for the closest urgent care clinic. It's at the clinic where the PA prods Jason's abdomen and he curls up tight against the pressure.

"I think you might have appendicitis," she'd said and sent them on their merry way to the ER.

The whole drive, Tim felt like a damned tool. He's had appendicitis himself, he knows the symptoms, and has even gone through the surgery. How did he miss this?

At a stop light, Jason had placed a clammy hand over Tim's. "Don't beat yourself up over it, babe."

"I should have known..."

"You should have known shit--your symptoms were different."

This is true but is beside the point. "I'll stay with you," he says in a rush. "For as long as I can."

It ends up not being for very long. So here Tim sits in the cafeteria, nursing a cup of coffee and fucking around on his phone. Jason's maybe 500 feet away in a triage staging area, but it feels like miles. He has an IV for fluids and has been given medication for pain and the nausea. He's NPO in case he'll need surgery.

All of these things Tim knows from his own experience earlier in the year. He'd done it all by himself because Jason's PTSD wouldn't allow him to even set foot in the ER. He'd tried, oh had he tried, but Tim told him it would be okay, that he'd keep in touch by text and to keep his phone on him.

Jason might be able to walk in here now but he shouldn't be alone. But the ER is crowded and there are no extra seats in triage for guests. Jason had squeezed Tim's hand when the nurse told him he needed to wait elsewhere.

"Keep your phone on you, babe."

"I won't put it down."

And so he waits, gnawing on his guilt and feeling like the worst person ever.

[gothamitelove]

IVE HAD THIS IDEA IN MY MIND FOR AGES

Okay imagine the reader being a villian and Edward is so in love and everyday u have to deal with him bursting into ur hideout or building and being his lil nuisance self

Eventually the reader has to confess his feelings for him because the only time the riddler is speechless is when he's trying to confess

(Can be any riddler btw)

-🌸💕

let's GO alright i'm excited!!

~

the first time it's weird. it's- yeah, it's a little weird. one of gotham's weirdest supervillains popping into your hideout every day? not on your Things That Happen To Me In Gotham bingo card. but this is the way it is now, so you try to put up with it.

edward tries to impress you. so much. he shows you his latest inventions, brags about how he's going to kill batman, and is generally a bit of a nuisance. but it's almost a little endearing. it's like a little kid trying so hard to make his crush think he's the best person ever.

he grows on you, you're sorry to say. eventually he becomes less of an annoyance and more of a steady constant. you hear from around the city that he's been talking about you to other criminals- no wonder you've gotten more clients recently. his antics become cute, funny even, and you realize one day with a start that you've fallen for him.

oh no.

you have your little freakout, panicking over what this could mean and what you stand to lose if you say anything (or if he notices anything, fuck) and he rejects you. and then you start to calm down- for all of eddie's intelligence, he's not always very good at picking up interpersonal cues.

one day, though, he's just being super weird. like, even more so than usual. he's obviously nervous about something, talking really fast and stumbling over words. but with all the dancing around the subject he's doing, you can't for the life of you figure out what he's actually talking about.

"ed, i love you, but you have to slow down," you say, and then you realize you've said it and contemplate having a panic attack right then and there.

then you realize he's gone silent.

"huh. miracles do happen," you say, somewhat distracted from your impending rejection.

"you- you love me?" edward asks, looking uncharacteristically confused.

"well, yeah," you say, looking away. "look, i wasn't gonna say anything, i just- well, you needed to shut up, it was the only way-"

"no, i was gonna say-" he cuts himself off and takes a deep breath. "no, i was gonna say that. that, um. i love you."

what.

"you do?"

"yeah."

"that's what you were trying to say?" you ask, raising your eyebrows.

"yeah." edward ducks his head and glances at his feet.

"ed, write yourself a script next time," you say, starting to smile. "i had no clue what you were even talking about. now c'mere and let me kiss you."

he's very quick to follow directions.

~

i hope this was good! i made it general enough so it could technically fit multiple riddlers, or at least i think i did. anyway, this was super fun to write! <3

[winter-soldier-vibes]

You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2647

Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped

Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff

Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.

A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3

------------------------------

Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”

He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

“You promised.”

You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.

------------------

You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones. 

Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.

Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food. 

Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching. 

You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into. 

You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?

The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions. 

But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.

Until you couldn’t stop.

Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.

He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed. 

Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.

“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.

“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.

“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”

You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.

“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”

And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.

It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it. 

It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.

All he could do was love you and be there for you.

And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you. 

And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.

You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.

Right?

You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it. 

It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.

You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.

You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.

One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve

The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?

He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.

“Y/n please, let me in.”

He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him? 

When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob. 

Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door. 

Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.

Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.

“Y/n.” 

“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door. 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”

You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.

“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”

“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.

“Y/n.”

You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”

“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”

“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over. 

He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “

“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.

You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody” 

“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.

You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”

“You aren’t somebody?”

You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed. 

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back. 

After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.

“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly

“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”

He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.

“You were so tired Bucky - ”

“Y/n.” he said more firmly.

You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that. 

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered. 

You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”

“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”

He pulled you back into his chest.

“I’ll always be proud of you.”