#ive got some writing in my queue and i. may try to get more done but yea

[quillheel]

// there's a part of my brain that wants to pick up roxy bc of ruin i can Feel it

[fandom-puff]

Hey! Can you write a tommyxreader where they get arranged marriage for a deal with a rival gang. And the first time they sleep together is after tommy loses his shit seeing someone flirt with her and can’t control himself

Thank you for requesting this! Hope you like it ♥️♥️

In holy matrimony

Warnings: smut, swearing, arranged marriage, sleazy men at the bar, the entire FIC not being proof read so maybe some questionable autocorrect?

“You may now kiss the bride,”

You gulped as your new husband brushed his lips against yours as everyone clapped. You blushed prettily and slid your arm into his as he led you back down the aisle. He hardly looked at you, hardly spoke to you, and when the party drew to a close, he didn’t carry you to his room, bridal style. He asked his maids to show you the way while he cleaned up some business with your brother, and did not return until you were fast asleep under the covers. The next morning when you woke up, he was just leaving the room.

For the first three months of your marriage, you barely saw one another, stuck at Arrow House while he toed and froed between Small Heath and London. The maids whispered and gossiped about your passionless marriage as you played with Charlie, reading him stories and singing to him to get him to sleep. One night he called you mummy. You cried yourself to sleep that night. He saw you as a mother, but no matter what you did, you couldn’t get your husband to see you as a wife.

It was a Friday, and your sister in law had insisted that Tommy bring you to Small Heath to go to the garrison- “She’s family, Tom. She’s your wife, bloody treat her like it,”

You were sat in the side room, nursing gin and tonic while Tommy smoked. The silence was uncomfortable and no one knew quite what to say. You were a fair bit younger than Tommy, in your early 20s, and you were sure his brothers knew he barely slept in the same room. Gulping, you rested your hand on Tommy’s knee, murmuring “I’m just going to get some more tonic in this,” you murmured, standing up and leaving the room before he could tell you to just use the hatch.

You waited at the bar behind a load of men, trying to get the barman’s attention to no avail, constantly getting shoved to the back of the queue every time you were next in line. When you finally got to the front and ordered your drink, you felt someone groping your arse. you gulped as he leaned into your ear. “Let me buy that for you, darlin’”

“Er...no thank you, Sir,” you murmured, trying to shift to the side. “My drinks are on the house,”

“I bet they are, a hot little thing like you eh? Bet you make such pretty noises with that soft little voice, huh?”

“Sir, I’m actually married-”

“ah, you won't mind me fucking you into next week, love, and I’m sure your husband won’t mind, and even if he does, he doesn’t need to know, yeah?”

“Actually he does mind, and he does need to know,”

You had never been so glad to hear the low voice of your husband. instantly you hurried to him, leaving your drink at the bar. Subconsciously, you slid your arm into his, the same way you had done on your wedding night. Feeling your small arm tremble in the crook of his elbow set something alight in Tommy, and he announced, quite loudly to the rest of the pub “Any of you fuckers touch my wife, I swear to god I will throw you in the cut,” he walked you back into the side room and grabbed his coat. “I’m taking my wife home,” he said.

“Will you be coming back, Tom?” Arthur called as the door slammed.

“No... I don't think he will. He has that look in his eye,” Ada smirked. “Looks like he’s gonna acknowledge the fact that he’s married a lovely young woman,”

“Only took him three months to bloody consummate it!”

****

“Mr Shelby, I know you don’t love me... you don't have to... consummate this marriage, m-my brother said you’d probably call it off once you sorted the business and that’s why you wouldn’t have me...”

“I’m not Mr Shelby to you. I’m Tommy. And I finished the business with your brother on our wedding night,”

“But why didn’t you sleep with me... why have you just ignored me for three months?” you whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “We’ve never been together and yet I miss you,”

He sighed, rubbing his face. “You... You’ve got to understand, YN... I’m over ten years your senior,”

“I don’t care,” you mumbled, but he still carried on.

“I’m over ten years your senior, you’re young, gentle, good, caring...”

“Listen to me! I don’t care that you're older than me,” you blushed when he stared at you but carried on. “I don’t care, alright! You made me feel safe tonight when that man was feeling me up. I’ve grown up around my brother’s gangsters and criminals making sure I don’t get attacked, but I’ve never felt as safe as when you... took my arm,” you looked at the ground. “You make me feel protected and I-I think I love you. You don’t have to say it back, or do anything, not if you don't mean it-”

He was kissing you, cupping your cheeks in both his hands, his lips pressed firmly against yours. He pulled away and pressed his forehead to yours. “I think I love you too,” he murmured. “I’m starting to... to love you...”

You gulped as you wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned to kiss him gently, testing the waters, sighing gently as he deepened the kiss. “Shall we consummate this marriage, Tommy?” You murmured and he groaned softly against your lips, lifting you up, hands squeezing your buttocks. “Oh god yes,” he groaned, laying you down slowly.

He trailed soft kisses down your throat, running his hands up your body and hitching your dress further up your thighs each time his hands went up. You sighed, arching your back and stroking his cropped hair. “Tommy... I’ve never done... I’m... ive never been...” you whispered, panting.

“You’re a virgin?” He murmured, stilling his movements. For a moment you thought he’d leave you again, but your worries were quashed when he pressed a soft kiss to your lips. “Alright, love,” he whispered, before kneeling, slowly unclipping and rolling each stocking down, kissing every inch of newly revealed flesh as he went. You sighed softly, stroking his hair gently, but gasped when his deft fingers skittered over the delicate skin of the inside of your thighs. Fingers twitching, you lifted your dress up and over your hips, undoing the button at the bavk and slinging it to the side. Tommy groaned at the sight of you in your silk slip and knickers. He crooked your thigh, throwing your leg over his shoulder as he kissed and sucked at the inside of your thighs. You whined at the curious mixture of suction and the tickling of his tongue, writhing your hips at these new sensations.

When Tommy pressed his thumb to your clothed clit you nearly jumped off the bed, spreading your legs a little wider and arching your back, gasping. He smirked up at you as he rubbed slow, tight circles, your underwear causing a delicious burning friction. You whimpered, clutching onto the bedsheets as your hips twisted, an unfamiliar tension coiling in your stomach. Thighs quivering, you called Tommy’s name, but he simply said “let it happen, YN,” pressing just that little bit harder. Waves of pleasure washed over your thrashing body as you moaned, biting your hand you quiet yourself. A few moments later, Tommy resurfaced, smiling gently at you as you looked at him with hazy, dazed eyes. He grinned when you reached for him and he fell next to you, rubbing your sides soothingly. “D-does that always happen?” You asked, thighs still twitching slightly.

Tommy grinned boyishly and caressed you’re cheek, pushing a stray strand of hair out of your face. “If a man knows what he’s doing,” he said, the corners of his mouth tugging into a slight smirk. You giggled, blushing ever so prettily, stroking a finger over his buttons absentmindedly. “You want this off, YN?” He asked, gesturing to his waistcoat.

“Yes please. Your shirt too. And your trousers. I want it all off, mine too,” you whispered, sitting up a little. He grinned, sitting up with you and together you managed to undo all of his buttons and strip him down to his underwear. You hummed, kissing him deeply as you spread your palms over his bare chest, tracing his tattoo and grasping his strong back. You pulled away from him and, taking a deep breath, you got off the bed, standing before him as he lay propped on his elbows, and lifted your slip up and over your head. He palmed his cocked as you did, and his breath caught in his throat when you unclipped your bra and cast it aside. You then bent over, sliding your knickers and garter belt down your thighs, kicking them away. You blushed and stood with one hand across your tummy gripping your other arm as Tommy’s eyes scanned you up and down, from the swell of your breasts to the pert peaks of your nipples, the soft flesh of your tummy, hips and thighs, before finally, settling on the curls between your legs.

He cleared his throat and you saw his Adam’s apple bob. “Fucking hell... come here, love,” he said, voice barely more than a hoarse whisper as you crawled over to him, long hair falling over your shoulders. You looked at his tented boxers and licked your lips, before looking back to his eyes. “Be my guest, love,” he rasped. You grinned, and slid his underwear off, giving him a lovely view of your rear as you freed the, from his ankles. You trailed one finger up the vein pulsing on the underside of his heavy shaft, breath coming in little pants as his thighs tensed. Watching his face, eyes fixed to his, you slowly wrapped your hand around him and pumped his cock languidly, eyes lidded with desire. He grunted and grabbed your chin, breaking your focus. “Fucking... YN... I need you love,” he said, almost pleadingly.

“I’m all yours,” you whispered, pressing your lips to his. He groaned and pushed you onto your back, and you gladly cradled him between your thighs as he kissed you hard, his cock leaking warm sticky precum onto your bruised inner thigh. “Please...” you moaned out, nipping his lip experimentally. He groaned lowly, and you felt the vibration running through his chest as he lined his cock of with you. He pushed the tip in, stopping when he felt resistense.

“This’ll sting, just for a bit, okay, YN?” He murmured into your shoulder. “But id you wanna stop, you’re to tell me, understand,” you nodded, already panting. Your eyes screwed shut as you felt him push through your barrier and you pushed your face into his neck, thighs clenching a little tighter around his hips. He grunted slightly, pushing in until he had no more to give, before waiting for you to tell him to move. When you bucked your hips up slowly to meet his, he groaned and together, you settled into a slow rhythm, every inch of skin touching one another. You locked your ankles behind him, using your heels to dig into his back and pull him closer, deeper, impossibly so. You just felt so... full. Tommy Shelby was clouding your every sense and you were quickly becoming addicted, undulating your body to grind your nipples against his chest, your clit against his pelvis, and your innermost pleasure points against his pulsing length.

You felt that coiling pressure in your stomach from earlier and whimpered “Tommy,- Tom... Ah! Tommy, I’m-I’m-Ah!” You moaned desperately, trying to find a word for the immense pleasure he was churning deep within you. Your inner walls clenched tight around him as a deeper, more intense pleasure flooded every nerve of your being as you moaned his name loudly, pressing your lips to his in a sloppy, passionate kiss. Feeling you grip his cock, he moaned into your mouth, and with a few final frantic thrusts, he spilled inside you, pumping your womb full of his essence, holding you close as you rode out your highs.

Practically boneless, you lay under the covers, snuggled into Tommy’s side, your fingers absentmindedly tracing the Romani sun rising on his chest as he smoked. You sighed happily, tucking your head into the crook of his shoulder, kissing the available skin gently. He laughed slightly. “You up for another round, love?” He teased. You giggled and shook your head.

“No... not tonight,” you said, yawning softly. “Tomorrow morning maybe- you’ll still be here tomorrow?” You asked quickly. He stubbed out his cigarette and kissed your forehead.

“Of course I will be. Christ, I’d happily lay in this bed all day long if you’d let me,” he grins.

“Maybe I would,” you giggled and looked up at him. “I think... I think this marriage will work out fine, Tommy,” you said gently, nuzzling into his chest.

He stroked your hair gently. “You know what, YN? I reckon it will too,”

.

[maschotch]

hi! just gonna make an intro post for those interested~

im rewatching criminal minds from the beginning and capping every episode as i go along. ive seen rewatched every cm season at least 3 times, and this blog is mostly to avoid sending my friends the same clips with the same comments every time i watch lol. its just all of my thoughts and ramblings for my favorite moments

im 22 and i try to avoid interacting with/following minors. asks are fine, just no dms. my main is @aarcn​ but this is where everything cm related is. i’m not into x reader fic, especially the explicit stuff, so if you post a lot of that i probably won’t follow you back. and if i unfollow all of a sudden, its probably because of that. nothing personal! i just dont really want to see it.

i’ll tag anything you need, just shoot me an ask and i’ll start tagging it no problem. its criminal minds so the subject matter can get a little dark so i totally understand :)

currently tagging:

cm crit—anything critiquing the show itself, usually the writers/creators

char crit—anything critiquing characters (anything jj critical will be tagged here but lmk if you’d like a more specific tag)

sa mention—any in depth analysis of foyet will also be tagged here

anti jj—critical of jj specifically, only if its in the actual post. if its in the tags im not gonna bother

feel free to send asks, anons always on, or dm me! i love talking about criminal minds and hearing different interpretations of characters <3 its just a fun funky show that im way too invested in

below the read more are links to the different kinds of posts:

i have a queue currently running with character caps from random eps but other than that most of the posts are chronological. photo post limit is 150 a day and i hit that pretty regularly, but i try to upload episodes as i watch them. 

cm caps - these are just screenshots so you dont have to credit or anything, but i’d appreciate if you tagged me in or send me what you made! it makes me happy that people find uses for them

cm icons - these are edited caps, so if you do use them please reblog or credit. feel free to send requests! i have lots of character caps from eps i’ve done so far

cm writings - stuff i write! i dont have much bc im really not much of a writer anymore but fics, mcs, and extended meta will go here. may not use this tag often bc i tend to ramble in tags anyway so theres usually a mini-essay below every post

cm fics - specifically fics i write! @t4thotchniss and i have our own little cm universe that i’ll write stuff for sometimes, so you may want to check out his summary for the general gist

cm parallels - caps from different moments (though sometimes the same episode) that make me crazy 🤪 probably my favorite tag

cm comp - compilation posts, usually divided by season. again these are just caps so feel free to take and use as you will!

im open to requests for any of the above post types, so feel free to shoot an ask or dm. if you want something from an episode that i’ve done so far i probably have caps already so i’ll gladly do it! if you want something from a later season (or for characters i dont cap as much like jj, reid, rossi, etc), please be as specific as possible with your request. episode numbers would be great.

for shipping stuff i’m pretty open to most things. i do have some common romantic pairings i really do not like and view as exclusively platonic: hotch/reid, hotch/jj, hotch/elle... those are his kids lol

love for criminal minds has faded, so im not gonna try to push myself until the obsession returns. feel free to send thoughts/opinions/questions, i still have My Takes that stay in my brain forever <3 for now tho the only original posts are just gonna be queued character caps. ive got 1000+ drafts so its not gonna run out any time soon

[celebritytgcaptions]

Requests (5/23/2021)

Hi lovelies! I’ve been getting so many requests & I’m working hard to get all of them in the queue. Thanks for sending them my way! I’m writing to let you know that the queue is now full until the end of June. I was able to get every requests from my May 8th post in there except for a few. Requests from May 8th for captions featuring Katy Perry, Jenna Fischer, Marisol Nichols, Addison Rae, Ariana Grande, Erin Kellyman, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Jhene Aiko, & Kirstin Maldonado will be posted in early July.

But there have been an absolute ton of requests since then too, yay! So I’m listing all the requests that I haven’t gotten to below. If you made a request but don’t see it below that might be for a few reasons. 1) I’ve written it already and it will be posted in June. 2) It’s one of the requests I posted on May 8th so I won’t talk about it here. 3) I considered it a demand not a request (for example, I received two that said “Anything with,” that wasn’t really a request just telling me to do it. Sorry if this bothers some of you but it is an issue with me so make sure you word your requests AS requests). Either way, thanks for the love, lovelies! :D

Anonymous said:

Could you do one with either Kelley O’hara or Alex Morgan from the USWNT about a guy soccer player watching the US win the world cup and then want to be them or something like that?

I actually know who both those are (shockingly enough, I don’t really follow sports) so sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Could you do lorengrey captions? She’s so hot

Sorry sweetie, don’t know who that is. :(

Anonymous said:

Hi I just had an idea for a game you could do. It could be where someone has to say as a boy what they’re like physically in stages. So first stage is hair color for example, second stage could be height, third stage could be body type, etc. An example would be if I was a black hair, short height, thick body type, I would match up with someone like Nicki Minaj. Just an idea which you could extend on. Hopefully it makes sense. I appreciate you!

I actually have a game like this mapped out called “Build a Sissy” where you choose age, hair color, and bra size, but it would take a LOT of work to make so I haven’t written it yet. Maybe some day though. :)

Anonymous said:

I would love to see a Tori Kelly caption. Her hair and body are not typical but beautiful for a white girl. I say that last sentence respectfully. I think having a caption with her would be great

Sure thing! Tori Kelly is a cutie. :)

Anonymous said:

Ok I'm not sure if u'll know these 2 cuz even I had to look them up for the names but anne dudek and maitland ward theyre the 2 blonde sisters from white chicks not sure if uve seen it but if u can could u make a caption for them please?

I DO know who they are! I’ve been thinking about doing a White Chicks caps because there’s a lot of cute looks in that movie (especially for Busy Phillips who I just love) so sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Could u do Yvette nicole brown from community? Id like to see some big girl love

Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

I already know that this request is probably gonna be a No but I still have to ask whats the ruling on GCI enhanced celebrities like Taylor swift from Cats?  Or is that too much like "Furry" stuff. Now I'm Feeling this will be a No for multiple reasons

So it is not an issue with CGI “enhanced” celebrities but for Cats it is because I do not have a Furry fetish and I get uncomfortable thinking about writing caps for it. But I write caps with “manips” all the time (photoshopped images of celebs) so I’m not ruling out CGI enhanced celebs all together.

Anonymous said:

Can you do one of Lindsey stirling? And for the story can it be a guy trying to learn Violin but he cant seem to focus he even tried hot female teachers but it didnt work then he gets a male teacher than he starts focusing and wanting to please the teacher he becomes a sissy sorry its a long request

Sounds fun, sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Hi big fan and I think you’ve been doing amazing work. Is there anyway you could do a story about a guy who loses a bet to sorority girl and is forced to get his nails painted and turned into a girl? I love the idea of having a boys nails painted against his will. I’d love one with Selena Gomez but if you think another celeb would be better I leave that cumpletely to you.

Totally! This sounds fun. :D

Anonymous said:

Can you do thelma and Louise?

I’m assuming you mean Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon from Thelma & Louise so yes. Yes I can. :)

Anonymous said:

Can you do a caption from the movie bridesmaids? Like when theyre all trying on dressess or something?

I haven’t seen Bridesmaids (I know I know) but I can try something. :)

Anonymous said:

it would be super cool if you could do some more games! They’re my fav

Glad you like them! As long as I’m not on hiatus, games will be posted every second Saturday. I’ve already got two set for June. :)

Anonymous said:

Hey huge fan of your recent work and super excited about new caps!! Do you think you could do one about a college guy who drops out in pursuit of being a stand up comedian, but the comedy club needs a female comic so they turn him into a girl? I was thinking maybe Nikki Glaser, she so funny and sexy. Thanks can’t wait to see all your new stuff!!

Oooo, Nikki Glaser is great. Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Can you make a caption about a guy who makes fun of curvy and thicc women, where the women get their revenge and turn the guy into Nia Jax?

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Hi Me again on the topic of the assembly line worker caption sequel if you do it i just an idea for the story like before depicting the sissies "first time"  but you can have it be that the coworker doesnt know and is telling everyone about the chick he slept with last night and the sissy is just thinking "if only they knew"idk i thought it was good anyways thank u again

So this message is in reference to a sequel caption that was requested & that I did write and will be posted in June. I’m sharing it here to let the anon know that I wrote the cap BEFORE I got this second request so there will be a followup but the story will be different. I hope that’s ok.

Anonymous said:

Hi idk if u watch wrestling or not I see u have some captions of wwe womens wrestlers but im not sure have far ur knowledge of it is? Could u do a caption of Rhea Ripley if u know her?

I have never seen a single episode of WWE, I do not watch wrestling, and yet somehow every time someone requests a wrestler I know who she is. Don’t ask me how because I do not know. Anyways, yeah I can do a Rhea Ripley one. :)

Anonymous said:

Could you do a caption about a janitor for sissy co. That finds out the strange goings on at work and tries to blow the whistle on the whole operation but is caught and turned into a sissy maid for the sissy co. Corporate office abit specific I know but ive been thinking on that awhile however u do it will be perfect thanks

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Could you do katheryn Hahn from wandavision specifically the 80s look with the Big hair and aerobics outfit

Oooo, sounds nice. I’ll type that up for sure. :)

Anonymous said:

Hi big fan of your caps!! Do you think you could do a cap where a football player wants to go to the NFL but gets hurt, so they turn him into a female commentator, maybe Lauren Rutledge? If you don’t know her, she’s been a college football reporter for awhile and was also a former Miss Florida. Anyways I just think any guy would be lucky to be turned into her and I love your caps keep up the great work!!

Me: *googles Lauren Rutledge to see if it’s who I’m thinking of* How do I know who this is? Anyways, yes I can write this. :)

...for some reason there are no GIFs of her though so I’m just gonna move on.

Anonymous said:

Hi I'm the one that requested the LONG list of celebs I'm still really sorry about that I didnt realize how many it actually was till I looked back so I wanna retract some for your sake tell ya what if you havent done any already just do the ones that are specifically marked (as in the ones detailed by movie or show theyre in) the ones that are just names you can leave out i knoe its still alot but hopefully that takes some weight off of ya sorry again

You don’t have to be sorry! Like I said, in the future I’d ask that folks limit requests to no more than 3 celebs at a time but you didn’t know that. I’d never said that before. I typed up every celebrity and they’re going to be sprinkled in during June. Hope you like them! :)

Anonymous said:

Hello ^^ I love your work. Can u make a caption with the name "jules" and Ariana Grande please? Thank you

Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Hey, not really an ask, but something I needed to share

I'm the one that asked for the Stephanie Beatriz caption from a whole back, and I absolutely loved how it turned out. Each time you roll out a new caption is like a small thrill to me and I read them right as they're released.

Now this wouldn't be an ask if I wasn't asking something, right? Well, next month sees the release of the "In the Heights" movie, and there's an opportunity there to do a series of captions using stephanie Beatriz from that same movie.

In conclusion, I love your captions so much, you're amazing!

Awww, this is such a sweet message. Thank you! And YAAASSSSS! Ever since the first trailer for In the Heights dropped I was like, “I must write a caption with her in this!” So you can imagine how fun it’s been waiting this entire time. *eye twitches*. We’ll have to wait until the movie comes out for me to be sure I can find a good image but this IS a caption I want to write. :)

Anonymous said:

Hi I just recently came across your blog and fell in love with it!! The caption with the football player being turned into Bella Thorne is one of my favorites!! I’d love so much if you could do a sequel or something to that cap it was so amazing and I need to know what else happens to “her”. I’m not sure if this is possible or if you even do sequels but this cap was great and I look forward to all the others!!!

Glad you like it! I’m always looking for sequel captions to write on Throwback Thursday so you’ll get this for sure. :)

Anonymous said:

Hey big fan! Do you think you could do a caption where a short guy gets made fun of by all his girl friends for how short he is? Ariana Grande is fairly short and I think a caption of her (of age of course) would be awesome

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Can you do one with the bella twins as two guys who fought over the same girl then the girl turns them both into look alikes of her but then they start fighting over the same guy

Yep!

Anonymous said:

Do you know suzy berhow? Or angie Griffin? If so would love a caption of either of them please

Sorry sweetie, I don’t know who those are. :(

Anonymous said:

Would appreciate more Sia captions please when u get the chance

I will remember that. :)

Anonymous said:

Can make some Winnie Harlow caption please? I adore her style

Sorry lovely, I don’t know who that is. :(

Anonymous said:

How about instead of removing the captions with Demi in them ,the images of Demi were just replaced with another celeb and if Demi is mentioned by name in the caption then that could be edited  to mention a different celeb. I respect Demi's decision I do but lets not lose some well made captions. Also if you could please make a caption where Amy Adams feminises a fan and raises them as her daughter and Kristen Stewart makes you her submissive wife that would be appreciated. I'm a fan of them.

So about the Demi Lovato captions: I understand your feelings but I’m still going to delete the original captions. Because of how my captions are made I can’t just go back in & swap out an image or edit the text, I have to remake it from the ground up. I am hoping to do that with some (maybe all) of the Demi Lovato captions & re-publish them, but I’m still going to delete the originals.

I can do the Kristen Stewart one for sure and I’ll TRY to do the Amy Adams one I just am not 100% sure I can find a pic for that but we’ll see. :)

Anonymous said:

If it’s possible before your summer hiatus could you do a caption with Amanda Crew (silicon valley, sex drive)?

I will do one with Amanda Crew but I can’t commit to doing it before the hiatus.

About the hiatus: I don’t know when it’s going to be. I want to TRY to make it to at least July 18th because I have a specific game in mind I want to post for 5 years of Celebrity TG Captions games, but after that I have no idea. I’ve been writing caps for a longer stretch of time since normal since I’ve switched to a part-time blog so I might burn out at any second but for right now I’ve still got some juice.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 2/12/2021

Once again, it has been forever since I did one of these, mostly because I’m pretty embarrassed about how long everything takes me anymore. I don’t want to get into what’s going on in my life right now, aside from the fact that it is exhausting and I have trouble concentrating on stuff and coming up with ideas. Since writing is my major means of decompressing, this is kind of a bad situation for me all around.

In any case, believe it or not, I am still plugging away on a little in love, even though I haven’t published an update in forever. I thought that once I got into Act III, it would just start flowing, and to be honest, it hasn’t. I know where I need to get to, and I am really looking forward to it, I am just having trouble getting there. I do have an entire chapter basically done, but I’m trying to figure out, at least roughly, how to get through the end of the Act, before I put anything else out.

Gosh, I hope Acts IV and V go a little easier than this. (they won’t)

I do sometimes feel like taking a break or just quitting this fic entirely, but I think it’s a good story and I have the ending (at least roughly) planned, and I just...want to finish it?? It’s my big experiment in writing a fic consecutively, and I want to prove I can do it, and also, it does have some good bits? I mean, I have taken a huge break on the next part of Heart is a Muscle and it has not helped at all, aside from me feeling immense guilt whenever I think about it, and the last thing I need is two of those.

IN MORE POSITIVE WRITING NEWS, since it’s been so long since I did one of these updates, I’ve actually written two things since the last time I wrote one.

Blessing and Curses was a cute li’l Academy-era New Year’s story I wrote. It is very wholesome, except for the part where Rukia steals some beans and blames it on Toshirou.

Rukia and Renji Make a Baby (at Byakuya’s Birthday Party) is not wholesome at all, it’s a porno about Our Heroes casting a fertility kidou on themselves and then getting so horny at Byakuya’s birthday party they have to sneak off to bone. I wrote it for me, but you can read it if you want (assuming you are 18+)

Art is a little easier than writing these days. I started an art sideblog! Have you seen my art blog?

Some recent highlights include:

Rukia Birthday Art

Byakuya Birthday Art

This Tooth-Rotting Fluff ft. Renji’s abs

By the way, you may notice that the last one was a request-- I do take art requests (in fact, I have one in queue right now!) but please be warned that I am terribly slow. I usually having 2-3 projects in mind, sorted out what order I want to do them in, and if I get a new one, I’ll throw it on the back, so you’re welcome to send them in, but don’t be surprised if it takes me a month or more. I do, of course, reserve the right to say no, but if I was gonna do that, I would do so right away, so if you don’t hear from me, assume I’ll get to it eventually. I feel like I should probably start taking writing requests again, but I probably only feel that way because I want to use them to procrastinate. 

It seems like the fandom has been really quiet lately-- maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe just everyone else is Tired, too. I am just trying to take this as, maybe if no one’s around, no one will notice how slowly I am writing these days.

[detroitbydark]

Crossed Connections: Part IV

Characters: Tech x Togruta!Reader

Warnings: None

Summary: Selling his vods is looking like a really good idea at this point.

Previous Parts and Interludes can be found on my Masterlist HERE

From: Tech-Vod

To: Grutababy

I'm going to say this one time only. 

You are not a bad friend. 

You may be one of my only friends. I have my brothers but you are different. You chose to talk to me and each time you do it is a bright point in my day. You are important to me. 

 I imagine your job is stressful. Is there anyone you can talk to? A co-worker maybe. If not, have you thought about finding someone to talk to in addition to me? Find someone who looks friendly. Maybe a stranger in the lunch room. Walk up and say 'hello'. I can't imagine someone would ever turn down a chance at your company.    

Bear with me? Work is crazy. Big assignments coming up. Killer deadlines. I am going to try my to write back as soon as I can. If you do not hear from me for a time, know that it is not you. Work just has me a system away. I want to share with you. Please believe me. I will start sharing things with you. What I do is... hard to explain.  

------

“Tech. finish up the love letter. We've got work to do" Hunter growls. Tech quickly hits send as the ship enter atmo. He maneuvers through noxious black clouds, the Marauder jostling with the occasional updraft of superheated air. Tech lets his focus shift from Y/N to the task at hand.

“Will your lady love be waiting on the tarmac when we get home.” Crosshair’s voice echos through the comms. Tech taps the controls and the ship banks left, hard and fast. The sniper tumbles into Wrecker's gonk. 

“I think It’s gonna be a rough landing.” Tech quips grinning “It seems now would be a good time to buckle in.”

Wrecker laughs.

Crosshair runs a hand over his helmet as he unfolds himself. “You don't say?” 

“Enough fellas” Hunter eyes shift from Tech to Crosshair. The sniper is slowly climbing to his feet, adjusting his armor. Wrecker holds his hands up.

“I didn’t say anything, Sarge .”

With a deep breath Hunter brings himself back to center. Sometimes, it was like dealing with younglings.

The Marauder drips suddenly finding a pocket of dead air. They lose 15ft of altitude in a matter of seconds before its decent stops. In unspoken synchronization, each clone tightens their safety belts. The smell of the rotten sulfuric smoke that hung in the air was already permeating the ship and they hadn’t even popped the doors yet.

“Remember” Hunter begins “This is recon only. We are NOT to initiate contact. Do you hear me Wrecker.” The big man rolls his shoulders and grumbles lowly.

“I got you Sarge.”

“Good. I need you on point. Cross?” The sniper looks up from last minute check of his rifle. The ship lands with a soft jostle, the heat already rising as its switches into standby. “I want you up top somewhere. Eyes in the sky.”

“Roger that Sarge”

“Tech you’re with me, need you to do a little slicing”

Techs eyes wrinkle in delight before he flips his visor down, “As always, you speak my language.”

“Alright boys, easy does it” the four clones queue up at the door “following Wrecker in three... two... one...”

The mission goes belly up in under an hour, less than two klicks from the ship they run into Seperatist forces.

———

“Y/N!”

“Sir?” You look up from where you’ve been tasked with counting supplies. Boxes of bacta and dressings lay scattered at your feet. You haven't gotten nearly as much done as you'd hoped. I message from you Galaxymance match has had you distracted all day.

 Kix motions for you. You drop everything and jog over.

“I've got the Bad Batch coming in hot” he begins before you've even come to a stop at his side “their birds banged up and they’ve been through the ringer”. You nod as the clone continues to explain the situation. “I need you to lead up the exam. They did well with you last time.”

“Sir?” You question. Though you’d worked with the Batch one other time  a week back you weren’t sure you were the right one to take over their rotation. 

“That’s an order.” He clarifies “if it looks like it more than you can handle or anyone comes off that ship missing a limb you call in back up. Is that understood?”

“Yes sir.” You needed to clear a bay and find a med droid ASAP.

You’ve only just got everything ready when your patients all stumble into the room. Crossfire is propped between Wrecker and Hunter. Tech hobbles in behind. The Med droid, 2-1B, hums to life as you point to the table.

“I need him there.”

“I’m fine” the sniper grumbles as Wrecker unceremoniously dumps him onto the table. His skin looks paler than the last time you’d seen him and his eyes struggle to focus as you flash each with a light. He looks like shit.

“Try that one again later. Ok?” You glance around to the teams engineer still standing near the door and point to another exam table. “You. There. Helmet off.” He stares in your direction, stupid visor still flipped down obscuring whatever look he was giving you. “I said now, Trooper” irritation flares in your chest as he hesitates. 

Wrecker laughs as he leans up against the wall, you glance his way as 2-1B begins scanning Crosshair.

“Easy Ik’aad. He took back to back blasts. It might take him a minute”

“Ik’aad?” You hear Tech make a noise across the room and Crossfire, still dazed, barks out a weak laugh.

“Just a term of endearment for our favorite medic, Ik’aad” the sniper warbles.

“Would you children let her work” Hunter interrupts, voice like gravel. You nod thankfully. Tech is pulling his helmet off as you round on him. He pushes back on to the exam table, sitting straight up as you begin your once over.

“That’s better. Now let me get a good look at you.” You start with a simple scan, no internal injuries. Vital signs are satisfactory even if his heart rate is up a little bit.

“Easy Tech. I’m not gonna hurt you.” You try to soothe quietly. He doesn’t move as you reach up and slip his goggles off his face. He’s so stiff sitting there in front of you so you try to lighten the mood as you check his pupillary response. His skin is cool as you cup his cheek to hold him still. “Anyone ever told you, you’ve got pretty eyes?”

Crosshair makes a choking sound and you round on him only to see the Loth cat-like grin crossing his face. “We’ve all got the same eyes. Clones remember?”

“Well maybe you’ve all got pretty eyes than?”

Wrecker laughs. “I like you.”

“I can die happy now” you grumble. Hunter bites back what sounds to be a chuckle. You switch spots with 2-1B.

“The clone’s scan has shown no injuries requiring further treatment at this time, though a concussion can not be ruled out without further medical studies.”

“Thanks Too-Bee.” You give Hunter a questioning look and he seems to read your mind. What the kriff happened?

“The Seps got the jump on us, they laid out two concussives before we were able to do anything about it. Cross took the worst of it. Tech got part of the second one going to give him back up.”

“It’s ok, Ik'aad" That name again, coming from Wrecker “Got rid of every last clanker I could get my hands on." His chest puffs up proudly and you reach up to pat it as you skirt by.

Grabbing the holopad off the wall you begin charting your findings and filing the medical report. The sniper had a concussion, you didn’t need “further studies” to tell you that and the way Tech was moving he likely had a sprained ankle-

“This Clone appears to have torn a peroneal tendon” 2-1B drones

So a torn tendon it was. You glance up at Tech and catch him watching you. The soft way his eyes follow your movements makes your heart flutter and than the look is gone and he’s tapping away at the pad in his vambrace leaving you confused at the momentary feeling. Moving around the room you search a pair of drawers, finally pulling out what you were looking for.

“Looks like you boys have earned some bacta shots and a few days rest.”

———

“Ik’aad? Ik’aad?!” Tech is seething, voice coming out in a hiss as he glares ahead of him. Crosshair chuckles tiredly at his side.

He adjusts his goggles, taking a moment to squeeze the bridge of his nose between two fingers. The sensation of your skin, warm and alive against his is burned into his memory. The way you’d tried to soothe him when you thought he was scared was sweet. If only you’d known the truth. This was getting out of hand fast. The warning look Hunter had given him before he and Wrecker had excused themselves let him know, the Sargent agreed.

The pair continues to shuffle slowly down the empty corridor towards the barracks. Tech’s got a headache rapidly growing and his ankle hurts like hell. He leans into his vod for support, refusing to look his way as he continues to grumble in disgust. The sniper can’t leave well enough alone.

“Should we have called her Grutababy?”

Tech wonders if Hunter would care if his sniper turned up dead.

Taglist: @skdubbs @pastelbunny1501​

If you'd like to be added to the TagList drop me a line and let me know.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[renjingujifortheladies]

**update**and happy fall ;) guidelines

im going to reschedule my blog time. i will delete the app from my tablet because it makes me obsessively refresh and feel like its broken in some way. when its not.

ive been only realizing this now but i had close to 1000 subs (even tho most of them inactive or moved or personal blog who followed me once and idk stayed?) and now i  have 800 something. its not the number that bothers me but the fact that these are all those nasty nude girl bot blogs... i really dont care about the number since i myself follow like 30 ppl at most

i checked the last 3 month activity  and in june i had 50 reblogs on threads which is not too shabby in july i had 28 in august i had 5 (granted  i was off for like two weeks) and since the beginning of september i had 9 (i also counted in the inbox replies i did) 

i dont know how anyone is with it but i follow very few people and i even go back to the day before and recognize where my dash was when i went to bed. its compulsive and its bad because i get myself hyped up then i feel shit when i scroll past so many threads that has nothing to do with me. and im not about that. im about the fun and im glad others are having fun. i also remember sending out memes but dont remember to whom and how many. if it was excessive im sorry and if yall dont feel like answering just drop it and delete it.  same goes for threads if you wont feel like something anymore tag me into a thread drop post and the thread and ill just like it and stop waiting on it. 

and this is me saying literally that i have nothing better to do then sit and refresh when i could be (and should be tbh) doing something else. im not being negative about it but i feel like its pointless for me to reblog inbox meme compilations and the like. 

it starts to feel like less as a hobby then a device to torture myself because even over extended period of time i dont get anything. and when i do its unhealthy how hyped i get about it and drop everything i do to reply. 

i think about my ships even though i wait sometimes months for a thread to move forward. i dont lack in ideas and even tried to do just drabbles but i got scared of those even because i think what if the other party will think i interpret their muse in a way they wont portray and drop me completely. (i did get shit for that a long time ago) 

i dont write headcanons even though i think of them often because most of my muses dont even get requested and if by some miracle i get to try them out its literally 3 notes in and never hear from the new partner again. also if i do introduce myself to new blogs i follow and ive stressed this before so many times.... if i get ignored i get pissed. i get pissed if someone follows me then i follow them back and even chat them up and they ignore me unfollow me (without my dumbass noticing because im not about the numbers) and i like their starter call because they are still on my dash and then they spat out a “mutuals only” message i loose my cool. 

i love the people i regularly play with and the reason why im so hesitant to even accept new followers or follow someone when the mood strikes is exactly because im at the end of my rope here. i dont want to hate coming on here because new people ruin my experience and then my friends who actually do bomb threads with me have to deal with my sour ass because others pissed me off. 

 so long story short;

*dont expect me to give you more than 3 weeks waiting time to interact and get something going on if you are new,  * ill come online once a week do all my replies put them into queue and maybe at the most lurk and reblog pictures tagging my partners whos ship it may concern * i wont reblog inbox one liner meme anymore. its pointless and just makes me get upset with myself. (although i will participate in tags if someone tags me) that being said my inbox is open (and empty) and everyone is welcome (yes anon is also welcome) * i wont put out and wont like starter calls. those are the things that break my spirit the most. i dont need a starter to have 3 notes in and never continued.  * i WILL literally drop a thread if i write an extensive reply and get like at the maximum 3 lines of reply. that is the biggest disrespect in my book and im done making exceptions even if we are years long partners. its just rude and you can move your brain a little to write more than a paragraph.  * i WILL block you if you ask for a starter and let it sit after 3 notes in because fuck you thats why. 

i hope you all have a lovely day or night wherever you are , stay safe and stay hydrated. eat fruits and sleep lots.  💝

[slashersteve]

Forgotten Love Letter 💌

pairing: Peter Parker/Gender Neutral Reader

summary: Peter discovers a letter you had intended to give him in freshman year of high school before you started dating.

warnings: mentions of blood 

note: I got inspired by letter writing in numerous fics I’ve been running into and tatbilb ofc 💕 enjoy :)) first imagine ive written in over 2 decades, it’s been sitting in my drafts for that long too- now she’s out here in the world thank u thank u

•••

The school week was officially over, and you could finally relax over the weekend. It had been an exhausting week with numerous amount of homework (it’ll be this way in college get used to it now teachers said or claimed) You still had homework, but it wouldn’t be due until the end of the next week, so Saturday was officially for you.

Your boyfriend of a year had promised you two would hang out at your place and watch a movie, but after his nightly activities. You knew Peter was Spider-man, an internet sensation everyone was crazy about including yourself. The only way you found out is because Peter has never been great at keeping secrets. He saw you on the street one time, and just waved, “Hey (y/n)!” He yelled, completely forgetting he was Spider-Man and not another high school student who can nonchalantly say hi to their significant other. You were hella confused and had awkwardly waved back, recognizing his voice but not quite sure if you heard it right.

It took you all night before you had put two and two together. From those late nights he wouldn’t answer your texts or would answer your text, weird bruises and aches he sometimes had, and his ability to climb through your window despite the fire escape being farther away from your 7th floor bedroom. And his voice. You quickly got to work and went to school the next day wearing custom made Spider-Man gear to see if he catches on that you know and he looked completely touched by the fact you were wearing it.

“Did you- figure it out when I said hi to you?” Peter asked one day underneath the bleachers during lunch before Ned came to join you two. You had smirked and said, “I thought the point of the mask was for people to not know who you are, especially the ones you know.” He blushed of embarrassment and you kissed him on the cheek and said, “Secrets safe with me...” with a wink.

It was after that when Peter would come to you after nearly every night patrol he did, he’d come into your room in the full suit to tell you about his day, what he had done, what kind of crime he fought and other times he’d come when he’s injured. Those were the nights that worried you the most and made you lecture him on being much, much more careful. You didn’t care if he’d heal fast- he’s not invincible.

You hadn’t expected him in early today though, knowing he was spending the entire day with his Aunt May before going on “patrol”. So you spent most your Saturday laying sround, sleeping on and off and texting Peter. Your mom was out all day working and you didn’t expect your dad home till the next morning because he’d just left for the graveyard shift. You were bored out of your mind after every favorite movie was watched and decided to clean up the mess in your room you ignored the past week.

An hour of picking up and vacuuming later, you then decided to organize your closet. That’s when you found it- a medium sized white wooden jewelry box with flower and swan designs on it your mother had gifted to you when you were eight. After putting all your clothes back and some in a box, you sat down on your bed, legs crossed as you wound up the music and then opened the box, the melody of Swan Lake playing the moment you lifted the lid. You smiled at the swan figurine that slowly spun along to the music. A feeling of nostalgia bursted through you as you were reminded of being a child, humming the tune wherever you went and drawing swans randomly. Your eyes shifted to look at the contents inside, letting the music continue to play.

There was anything but jewelry in there, In there was instead a few notes you and your best friend from middle school used to give each other, filled with silly stuff and inside jokes. There was even old letters from a pen pal you had in 5th grade! Her name was Elizabeth and she was from the UK. About a half hour had passed with you reading through them when you eyes caught the light pink, folded paper that was at the very bottom. You picked it up, setting the others aside.

You flipped it around, not remembering what the letter was, what it contained or who it was for right until you saw the name “Peter Parker” with a heart around it. Instantly your eyes widened, the happy nostalgic memories being replaced with the cringey memory of that one afternoon on the bus ride home writing out your feelings for your new friend from Science class. You felt your cheeks heat up at the memory, and slowly small tidbits of what you wrote were coming back to you.

Just as you moved to open it, there was a sudden loud knock on your window. You jumped in your spot, the letter falling from your hand and you turned to see the man himself in his Spider-Man suit, waving at you and pointing at the window asking you to let him in. Instantly you relaxed and quickly shoved the letters back into the box and shut it, the room becoming silent.

Hopping to your feet, you went to unlock the window, saying, “You’re here early did May-“ but your words got caught in your throat when you saw he was cut up and bleeding. He pulled his mask off, his brown locks of short hair sticking up in nearly every direction.

“Peter what the hell!” You cried, gently touching around a bruise on his left cheek and then looking down at his cut up suit to see the damage. It was pretty bad, but he just gave a pained toothy smile that you glared at, already knowing what he was going to say.

“It’ll heal- I dunno about the suit- but ill heal I just need to get kisses from you and lay down for a while and I’ll be better in no time,” he said, pecking your lips then walking passed you. You were baffled as he had one hand over his side and used the other to grab a towel to put over your bed before sitting down on it. You’d honestly never seen him this hurt- you’ve seen bruises, mega painful looking bruises, and few cuts but this was just bad. His suit was cut up. What kind of people did he run into for them to do that? He noticed you staring and sighed, “I know what you’re thinking (y/n), but really I’m okay! You should’ve seen the other guys.” He joked but you crossed your arms not amused.

“Other guys? Looking at how you ended up- I can only assume you killed them,” you said in a serious tone, but he laughed like it was a joke. When he saw you weren’t laughing he let his head fall downwards for a moment.

“Can you not lecture me right now- this really hurts,” he motioned over his wounds and you sighed once more, hands falling to the side as he gave you those puppy dog eyes now. You didn’t say anything as you wandered over to your door and went to retrieve some things to clean his wounds. He may heal pretty fast, but you’ll be damned if he’s going to lay there all bloodied up and in pain. Peter watched you go and pushed himself more onto the bed, before swinging his feet up and knocking over the music box on your bed. He raised a brow, and grabbed it, realizing it was a music box when he saw the wound up in the back. He opened it after twisting it, smiling at the soft tune that began to play out like you had done. He curiously looked at its contents and he would’ve left it alone because it was clearly private if they were in a box, but his eyes caught sight of a “-rker” and when he moved the other papers he saw it was his name. Curiosity got the best of him as he pulled out the pink, folded sheet of paper and laughed softly when he saw it was his name written in your handwriting in the center of a near perfect looking heart.

He glanced at the door to see if you were coming back, and saw you still werent back so he gently opened it, seeing a full page of writing and a date at the top, Peter recognizing the year as freshman year, the year you transferred to Midtown High and the first year you met. He felt his heart warm up as he realized what this was.

It was a love letter.

Dear Peter Parker,

I know we’ve only just met, but every time I’m around you I feel butterflies in my stomach and my heart races 100 beats per minute. You’re very sweet, funny, and really smart and I couldn’t help but feel these feelings for you even if we’ve only known each other for a month or two. Everyday spent with you has been the best days of my life! I came to this school with no friends and dreaded having to have to do a partner project in biology. You were kind enough to sit by me and ask me to work with you. After that, I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you. I feel silly for writing a letter, but I’m not really good with words and I am not sure you feel the same. I’m currently writing on the bus ride home, hoping to god the person behind me isn’t looking over the seat. I would be so embarrassed! But- I really hope you do feel the same way, I’ll be crushed if you didn’t. Please don’t think I’m a fool for writing this letter

With love,

(y/n)

By the time Peter got to the end, the smile on his lips were so wide. He found this completely touching and adorable because it was dated about 3 months before you two even began to date towards the middle of freshman year. The fact that you already liked him so much before then also made him a bit giddy.

You had just gotten out from your parents bathroom, having been in there a while trying to find the first aid kit. When you walking back down the hall towards your bedroom you stopped when you heard Swan Lake.

“Oh...oh no-“ your heart dropped as you remember what was in that box and you ran into your room, eyes widen when you saw Peter holding the letter in his hands, “What are you doing?!” The music ended on queue and Peter snapped his head in your direction, seeing your horrified expression. You set the first aid kit onto the dresser near the door and reached to take the note away from him but he dodged your hand, “Give it! Please don’t read it! It’s from a year ago please Peter!” You begged, “I don’t even know what’s in it, it’s probably horrible!” Peter hadn’t said anything, just smiling playfully and keeping the note away from you as you leaned over him, still being aware of his injuries. Although he’d forgotten about his own injuries being distracted by your letter. He fell backwards and groaned in pain swinging his legs over the side of your bed. Your eyes widened.

“I already read it by the way,” Peter said, looking up at where you sat next to him, one leg crossed over the other, “I can’t believe you didn’t give it to me! We could’ve been dating way sooner!” You tilted your head, cheeks heating up as you snatched the letter from him and scanned over it quickly.

“Dear god no- this would’ve slowed things down! This is so- so bad,” you claimed and looked back at him with a major cringe on your face. Peter shook his head disagreeing with you, “I barely knew you- are you telling me you wouldn’t of been freaked out by this? It’s kind of stalkerish.”

“Nope!”

You shook your head in disbelief, and looked back down at the paper, embarrassed by the horrible confession of love whereas Peter was grinning like a child next to you.

“It’s cute that you’ve always had a crush on me,” he teased you, you became flushed and began to fold the sides of the paper nervously, “hey, hey why are you so embarrassed? I liked you too you know.” He admitted, pushing himself up now clenching his side lightly. You set the letter down and got the first aid kit.

“I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed,” you admitted as you took the same spot next to him, “We’re literally dating. And I feel like I can’t even look at you.”

“Well- you got what you wanted,” Peter said as he tapped on the spider logo on his, his suit loosing up and falling off his shoulders to reveal the bloody wounds. Normally when he had his shirt off you wouldn’t able to concentrate, no one should let the nerd demeanor throw them off, he was pretty built and it was nice. The wounds were your main focus, along with that embarrassing letter though, there was no time to ogle.

“Oh yeah?” You asked, a smirk on your lips as you got out the supplies, “And what was it I wanted?”

“For me to return your feelings, thus us beginning to date, you got it all!” he explained, wincing when you began to clean around his wounds, “Why did you never give me the letter? It was really sweet...” he said in a strain voice, you pursed your lips together and looked at him.

“I don’t know, I remember coming home that day and just setting it into the music box and never letting it see the light of day again.”

“There must’ve been a- ow,” he closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip and you seized cleaning one of the bigger wounds, looking at him with a sorry look, “a reason!” You licked your lip as you began to think back to that day, and it suddenly hit you. You laughed sadly.

“The next day, I ran into this girl and she was crying. And I asked her what was wrong and she said that she sent a long text to her crush about how much she liked him and he completely ignored her, and that he wouldn’t talk to her,” you explained, Peter frowned, “So as you can tell...that really discouraged me.”

“What a damn jerk,” Peter said raising a brow, “I wouldn’t of done that to you, I mean- look at us now-“

“Me cleaning up your wounds after a year of dating?” You chirped and he smiled fondly.

“Well- we could be doing more!” He teased and wiggled his eyebrows and you rolled your eyes, “Woah! I meant watching a movie together and cuddling! What were you thinking?”

“There will be no cuddling because you’re hurt,” you gestured to his wounds and he scoffed and put out his bottom lip. You continued to clean up in wounds in silence, suppressing that smile on your lips.

When he was all clean and bandaged up, you dug into your extra clothes and handed him a pair of sweatpants and then gave him one of your large sweatshirts you wore in the colder weather. You helped him get it on, pulling the sweatshirt gently over his back and stomach. He wasn’t hiding the fact that it hurt, and you pat the spot next to you.

“Thought we were going to watch a movie,” he said, crawling next to you onto your bed and settling down facing you, propping his head up with his right arm. You shook your head.

“M’ kind of tired,” you mumbled, fluffing your pillow. Peter blinked, and noticed that he was pretty tired too, Aunt May knew he was going over to your place, so sleeping over wouldn’t be the worst thing. He leaned over, catching your lips into a kiss and with a cheeky grin he said, “Thank you for taking care of me (y/n), I don’t know what I’d do without you. Everyday spent with you has been the best days of my life and I can’t wait for more!” Your eyes widen and you flicked him in the shoulder as he laughed loudly, falling into his back. You nuzzled your head into his arm, not wanting to lay on him due to his injuries.

“Everything in that letter was true by the way, Peter.” You said, closing your eyes. Peters eyes were already closed, but there was a smile on lips before both of you fell asleep.

[threadsoftheeasternseas]

unrelated but important (?) prsnl post interrupting the queue

gonna keep this short prior to the read more thingymajig but i’m going through some stuff personally and I need to write it down and it’s ofc nothing to do with sims but a whole lot to do with me and I feel like I’ll feel better if I write this down. feel free to skip over this and ignore any form of feelings outside of my pixelated people. 

[trigger warning: death/suicide/self-harm]

today and tomorrow (may 10th/11th) marks the four year anniversary since I tried (and almost succeeded) to commit suicide. it is a very surreal week for me to go through the past couple of years, and the distance of time from said event does not change the fact that it happened.

I apologise for the detail i’m about to go into but I feel it is needed for context of how bad my situation had got. (I know I do not need to justify my feelings and my mental health but I am going to explain anyway).

I was in my first year of university, 250 miles away from home, and I felt like absolute hell. I’d made a few friends in my hall, but obviously, this is May, I hadn’t known anyone for more than a handful of months, and talking about my mental health was a difficult thing for me to process. I’d only really mentioned I had a diagnosis of depression to a couple of the girls and they’d been as helpful as they could, given that sort of social situation. I’d let university life get the better of me during my first year. I went out drinking until I could barely walk 4 or 5 times a week, and I’d sleep with pretty much any guy that paid me attention. One guy I met during my first week was a very on-off friends-with-benefits kinda situation, except I wanted more and he wanted less. I spent the whole time at university trying to get away from the toxicity of this relationship and consistently getting drawn back in, to the point it ruined friendships I will never regain. 

By May I was in a state of sort-of seeing someone else, but it was quite casual. I’d told him I wanted us to be a “thing” but he was quite happy to keep sleeping with other people as well (story of my life) and one night when he saw I’d texted previous week-one twat that I never stopped going back to drunkenly, he got mad and we fought and whatever chance we had of becoming something solid shattered in a matter of minutes. It felt so unfair. He was allowed to hurt me and go off with other girls, so why wasn’t the openness he wanted allowed to be the same case on my side?

I never planned to do anything with week-one guy, I think all I’d done was ask if he’d got home safe (forever the mother hen). Who knows. All I know is that this argument sent me over the edge.

I’ve felt like shit about myself pretty much constantly since the age of 14 when I found my mum screaming about wanting to kill herself and then having a go at me for not being there for her when I’d run off terrified to call my best friend for advice.

Needless to say my mum doesn’t recall this period of our lives. (She’s in a much better place now - and she has been for a while. I can’t remember what was going on but I think she had just hit a low. She never did hurt herself nor really intended to, and she’s doing fine now.)

I’ve always been shy and less-than-confident of my own abilities, but this was the start of Literal Hell. I spent my last couple of years at school wasting away to the point that about 7 different people in one day asked if I was alright because I had begun to look rather grey-coloured. I was sleeping about 3 hours a night and eating one meal a day. 

Things got steadily worse and then better and then worse and slightly better then worse then even worser after that (is worser a word? idk).

I know this is all over the place but I need to write this down. Props to you if you’ve got this far.

BACK TO THE STORY. After argument with said sorta-seeing-but-not guy, I took myself back to my room. (key point here: I was pretty hammered. The clubs around my uni sold very cheap drinks (the north of england is great for that), and I was still in my first year phase of drinking so much I couldn’t see). 

All I can kind of remember in that moment was that I felt like such a waste of space; that all I did was hurt the people I cared about, that I didn’t matter, that everyone would be better off without me.

I’d somehow become mildly addicted to painkillers over the year, without really realising, and in my darkest moment, I took a huge overdose. 51 painkillers to be exact. (Who knows why I had that many anyway). All I could think was I didn’t want to be alive any more. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I didn’t want to ever have to wake up again.

I spent the next day vomiting my guts up as my body desperately tried to get rid of the damage I’d already done to myself.

It was around 4pm when I had finally not vomited for about an hour and decided that maybe I should go take myself to hospital and see someone.

I will never be more grateful for something I’ve done for myself than this in my entire life.

When I got to A&E and awkwardly explained I’d had an overdose and needed to speak to someone, I got seen pretty quickly. Turns out 51 tablets that all contained paracetemol and half of them also with codeine, I was a pretty high priority case. 

I spent the next five days hooked up to an IV having medication to stop my liver from failing, and blood taken every hour. I vomited for six hours straight that first night. But I knew that deep down, no matter how awful I felt, I’d made the right decision to go there.

Nothing will ever be as hard as finding the strength to call my parents in the middle of the night to tell them what I’d done and where I was. Nothing will ever prepare you for how broken that makes you feel. Or when your mum arrives the next day, hotel and travel booked as soon as she could and time taken off work and tears streaming down her face. I will never forget the look on her face when she saw me in that hospital bed that day.

The nurses told me if I’d come to the hospital a few hours later that my liver wouldn’t have made it. I would’ve succeeded. My whole body would’ve shut down soon after. I would’ve died.

I had to find the strength to talk to crisis team therapists and tell my flatmates what I’d done and why I wouldn’t be around for a few days, and then trying to tell university why I needed mitigating circumstances to take an exam at a later date because sorry but I’m in a hospital bed in pyjamas that smell like vomit that I haven’t changed out of in a week. 

I’ve gone on a really long-winded way of telling this story, but the point is: today and tomorrow mark the four year anniversary of this happening. It’s painful to think that I still feel like this sometimes, but it’s also encouraging to know I haven’t stooped that low since. I’ve been close, many times. But I haven’t fallen back down that road again. 

I may not feel stronger, but I know I am. I’ve found the strength to talk about my mental health, instead of covering it up. I barely drink any more, and I will only take painkillers if I’m suffering from a migraine. I haven’t cut myself in two years.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come but also of how far I am also willing to let myself go. I know I will fight this, even if I spend the rest of my life doing so.

thank you for reading if you read this whole way and please, someone be crying too because I sure as hell am

[shiny-craboo-blog]

@rockformed​ replied to your post : i keep goin away for a long time but theres a good...

what asshole?? 👀👀👀👀👀

WHOOO lemme tell you this is a long one (sorry about any spelling errors i was tryna get this done quickly)

it was actually that guy that we played overwatch with together once.

ive known him since about december, but he was saying lots of homophobic and racist shit, so i was like eh might as well try to make him a better person, but to do that, you gotta get close, and i started liking him (literally @ past me why?????)

so i flirt a little here, giggle a little there, and he falls in love with me. i liked him too, but he liked me to a point where it was obsessive. he was telling me i saved his life and that out of everyone on earth im his favorite. i come out to him as trans one day, and after a lot of thinking, he was like “okay yeah im okay with this” and i was happy

however, like i said, he was really obsessive. he wouldnt let me play games with anyone else unless he was there, and when i tried to watch a show with one of our mutual friends, he gets all upset about it.

eventally, even though he liked me, he started being a real ass. i told him that i didnt really like him anymore and that i wanted to stay friends, and he turned it into this huge fight and ended it with “Forget it... Good night.” - and he used that phrase every (and “goodbye”) every time he wanted a conversation to sound final or like he was going to die if i didnt give him all my attention right then and there.

the fighting continued for a few months, during which he called me a sociopath, narcissistic, not worthy off being called a human being, and all that typa stuff. he started feeling suicidal - even though he felt that way before i met him, he started feeling it stronger because he didnt have me constantly fawning over him to ease it out - and he straight up told me that he blamed me for his feelings.

the fights got reaaalllll bad, and eventually he had a set day and time, and every time i said i was going to call his mom about it, he got really defensive and acted like i was attacking him, saying “dont test me” and shit

he became really emotionally manipulative and just flat out malicious tbh

the day came around and i blocked him because i didnt want to hear about it, and he started yet another fight. he didnt do anything though because half an hour later he came crawling back saying that he needed someone to talk to and that he had this whole change of heart and that he realized what his friends were worth and how he acted really shitty and that he was sorry

but he didnt change his behavior at all lmao

he kept arguing with me, so i started just. not joining as much and not talking to him as often and he got really pissy, asking me if i was talking to other people and accusing me of talking with this guy who he hates (the guy he hates left to make another server with all the people this guy was an asshole to so they could have a place where he wasnt there being a dick and the guy im telling you about acts like the victim whenever he talks about it like?? literally if u were a better friend they wouldnt have felt the need to?) (and i totally was talking to the guy bc the enemy of your enemy is your friend and all that) but he was a real ass about it. 

and saturday!! this saturday!!! he was an ass the moment i joined the call so i left and he got mad saying like “you know how i get upset when you leave the call” and i was like “i just??? dont wanna be there if ur gonna be mean to me the moment i join??” and he said

THIS BITCH

said

“its a guy thing to be mean to your friends. but i guess you wouldn’t know about that ;)”

so i blocked him. he texts me saying that hes been mean because his dads been on his back about college, and i said it wasnt an excuse. a few minutes later, someone from the server messages me sayin that nick said if i dont unblock him hes gonna ban me. so i unblocked him and asked for a reason why i should stay. this bitch. this ass. says “because i thought we were friends” LIKE BIIIIIIITCH PLEAAAAAAASE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WE AINT

anyway we fought for 3 hours and rather than giving me any good reasons to stay he called me stupid and said i misinterpreted the message like?? how else am i supposed to interpret it????????

so im staying, making him fall in love with me again, then leaving.

bonus: i made a list of the highlights of some of the shit things hes said to me

"Forget it... good night." "i used to trust everyone then the thing happened with my cousin so i stopped sharing myself or exposing myself. then i did over the years with kii then she backstabbed me. then ness and it happened again. i didnt trust anyone and still wasnt ok with sharing myself. then u stepped in and made me feel happy and wanted and like i could trust people. then you said you loved me like you did. i opened up and pursued and got lead on for 15 hours a day for a month up until i got enough courage to try to stand and speak open heartedly and with courage and the next day you lose all interest." "you know what? you obviously dont like me anymore. im over it you win. im done chasing. the goalposts always change. its over." "i cant stop chasing you. you are literally my favorite person on earth." "im doing this once a day from now on. wanna go out" "1 reason i got on ow. *1 reason i got on ow off my psych. guess it doesnt matter to you." “For the record the reason im mad all the time is because im fucking pissed at you but cant take it out for some reason.” “reason im so shit ight now is caught i thought i was at rock bottom and you took me up the mountain just to fling me off. forget it. good night." "youre still online. just gonna pretend im not here?" "hope this doesnt wake you up but sorry for being a cunt." "i still want to die haha. life sucks" "im sorry." me: you purposely did something to make me mad and then get upset when i get mad "im hald zoned in rn im getting killed by bad vibes but im not gonna make you mad ever again." "why did you fool me. i fight with you a lot now and its because of what you did to me and how ive lost my sense of self and all emotions because of you. but then i remember this is just how i usually am and being happy is what people are supposed to be like and im not so this is normal and only my fault so. i forgot where i was going with this but take care friend." "if it was the concept thing then why do i still love you." "i get upset because i have to actively avoid falling for you." "im only angry and mean to you because i dont understand my emotions." "im gonna kill myself saturday at 7:32 pm" (<<<this was two weeks ago hes fine now) "im not gonna do it i just want attention" "to keep it 100 i just said that so you wouldnt call anyone." "dont test me" "eat shit" "if youre trying to make me unfriend you its working" "actual human beings dont pull that bullshit. they suck it up and stick to their word or break the news to the other and dont drag them along." me: every humans a human regardless of whether or not they feel "theyre a human. not an actual human. theyre a human but not worthy of being called one." "in 3 months you managed to fuck with my emotions and make me want to kill myself more than kii did in 3 years." "i think this is the last conversation were gonna have. if you got anything important to say speak now or forever hold your peace. alright youre in overwatch and missed your chance." "have fun with your game hope its worth losing me over."

me: im going to call your mom and tell her right now "and say what? 'im a bad friend and now nick wont talk to me?'"

me: no. 'nicks planning on killing himself.' "and ill just say its someone im amd at trying to get revenge on me" "im not convinced that its not a whole thing made specifically to drive me to suicide." "in queue rather than fixing problems. typical. goodbye, asshole." "what if by trying to stop the outcome u saw you just pushed me away from one of the only people i trusted and now im on a path that ends in my inevitable self destruction." "no thats the depression but i am saying u took away what made me happy." "forget it, ill catch you later. apparently no goodbyes either lol." "bye oats." "the only thing you will ever love besides yourself is overwatch. bye." "are you there i just got back and i really need someone." "beause youre the middle man i guess and it was a test of allegiance i think in my mind." "idk i just feel like not many people actually like me deep down and its a shit thing of me to put that on others." "hows ness doing" "because im done walking on eggshells for you, snowflake. "its a guy thing to be a dick to your friends. guess u wouldnt understand ;)" "sorry for being a jerk. dad has been riding me all week and im mad all the time." "maybe you would get it if your dad ever punched you or woke you up by throwing shit at you." (i know for a fact his dad doesnt do this. there was a whole week where we were in a call 24/7 to see how long we could get one to last and his dad brings him dinner and plays xbox in the same room sometimes. i get that from an outside perspective this may seem mean to overlook, but if you knew this guy, you wouldnt put it past him to lie about shit like this just for attention.) "youre being such a baby over this. its not a big deal, its an argument." "considering you didnt write it id consider it awful stupid of you to think you can interpret it better than the author." "you dont know me"

[springleaves]

info about the upcoming months

yeah ok ive got an essay for you about my future activity BUT first things first i hope everyone will have a happy and successful 2017!! treat yourself well, remember that you are loved and i hope this year is extremely positive for you ❤️❤️❤️

onto the real stuff,,, this might be kinda long but don’t worry i’ll put a tl;dr at the bottom for those who struggle to read long passages of text or simply don’t care that much aHA its only regarding the activity of this blog so i mean if you don’t care that much feel free to skip the huge wall of text that probably has incorrect grammar and hundreds of typos or just ignore this do what makes u happy

explanation under the cut!

so january 4th is the day i go back to school and it also means it’s the last stretch of my (final) school year (fuckign bless). and like i’ve mentioned before i will be having my summer a level exams this year, and in the upcoming next week and a half or so i will be having mock exams, so i will be inactive because of that (and i’m going to be more dead than i was in the last couple of months of 2016).

aaaaaand i’m basically going to be inactive for a good 5-6 months or so until everything is finished and i’m on holiday from end of june-july till september due to the fact drawing takes up so much of my time and i have to study if i want to get to my chosen university (as i’m sure a lot of you can understand since a lot of us are students whether its high school or uni and the such)

therefore stuff will be changing about this blog, like my actual presence on here and in terms of art posting. of course im not going to be completely dead so i will pop in occasionally and if you send me a message or ask i will respond asap, but of course, bear with me on that. if you need me urgently, your best bet is twitter, i’m always active on there so i will respond immediately (unless i’m asleep but thats different)

for the most part i will be setting up a queue and posting the odd occasional life story so you know i’m not completely dead but yes, that’s the general outline on the next few months of this blog :’) and onto the art-sy bit because hey, this IS mainly an art blog so if that’s what you’re looking for the next few points are the ones you want to read~

>>>art

im one of those artists who gets horrible withdrawal symptoms from not drawing too long so i can assure you there will be the odd occasional fanart popping up every now and then, most likely in the form of canvases from last year that i’ve finished up. i’ll probably be doodling a lot more this year so traditional art is available

>>>requests

current requests will be finished albeit slowly, i tried to get them done in the final week of my christmas holiday but due to some major personal issues i’ve struggled and have done next to nothing, but i will try my best to get them done within this month;;

requests will continue to be closed until im on summer break and even then requests are going to be limited. assuming i’ve improved my art to the stage i want it to be at, requests will be limited to two at a time and alongside it im going to start doing commissions in order to aid me a tiny bit in terms of uni funds (again, due to personal issues i’ll struggle to find a job). if commissions go well i actually plan to start hosting giveaways of merch/albums etc the sort but we’ll see how that goes first lol

of course thats only if my art has gone where i want it to, otherwise i’ll continue having an unlimited list of requests with the small possibility of commissions on the side HONESTLY who knows at this point like im happy with my art but not happy happy happy extraordinarily happy like wow bouncing off the walls ya feel

>>>army birthday gifts

i will still be posting birthday gifts as best as i can! as shown by one i posted today i’ll be doing them a little differently this year but i will still try my best to post them! of course it might cause problems for me since people change urls but i’ll do my best,,,, if i happen to be late i sincerely apologise but its not personal ok ily

well thats pretty much it, i pooped so much stuff out that im sad that i cant do this for my school essays but thats fine ok me

i may also potentially maybe with a 45.6% possibility post fics and write more things this year since i usually do it when im writing essays or studying so like idk expect fics?? maybe??? when i muster the courage to post them i mean i already have like 5 drabbles sitting in my files with one chapter of a long fic honestly punch me im not good with words why am i doing this

tl;dr:

inactivity until july; may pop in every now and then

find me on twt because im always there if u need me

q; whens my school love affair (i literally thought of this just now and im keeping it)

requests are still closed im sorry

army birthday gifts will go up as normal

oh man holy shit

did i mention i was eating ice cream while typing this and i cant feel my limbs now

[selfawarenesscat1994]

accidental long post

i dont normally put trigger warnings but this post speaks a lot about food/binge eating. and i kinda just went off on one haha. talk of money.

im sitting in the office writing this at work cus my boss told me to do the holidays but im done but i need to vent, the store is abso quite and i just need some time to myself.

i have money! 

oh my god the relief. 

im still gonna be struggling til the end of this month but its not as bad as its been through jan which has been fucking HELL because ive obv been doing my manager job and having all this worry/stress ontop ov it.

i paid my rent +fee and i have enough to cover my bills! !!!!

i bought a bus pass but im gonna probably walk to work when the weather gets less horrible as i acctually didnt mind the walk after a while and i felt a lot fitter adding that exercise into my daily routine. before dropping out of uni, i got quite bad for being the type of person who would go to the gym once or twice a week and justify a lazy existence because of that. the bus is terrible but its the difference of walking 6 miles and being out of the house for like 12 hours a day or whatever and taking a 10 minute bus journey from straight outside my work almost to my front door. 

i ordered new earphones becus mine are not working. they were like 6 quid but so worth it. i went into my favourite cosmetic shop and got some nice stuff for my face as its got so flaky and dry and sore. i bought some new combs, not a great expense, no but the last thing on my list of cheap stuff when i didnt hve any money. my hair is short and tuggy and thisll help. i went into a cheaper cosmetics store and bought a lot of cheap shampoo/conditioner, sanitry products n whatnot. i never used to stockpile these so i ended up at the beginning of jan with nothing, i bought a cheap bar of soap for my body and used some of my flatmates stuff (but its expensive so i did it like once a week max). its so nice to have product. its something i never throught was something id miss cos theyre so essntial but i got to the point where i couldnt really afford them because i had bills going out and had to keep my money for other things.

the front door of the flat is drafty so i got the flat a draft exludor on the way. yay.

ive consumed more food/calories in the past day than i probably have in a couple of years - apart from at christmas. last night i bought a milkshake after work. it was thick and tasty and amazing. on my walk home i also bought a bottle of irn bru, which wasnt as good cus i forgot they changed the receipe but ive not drank fizzy drinks regularly in a 

i thought it was gonna be enough to fill me up but my body suddenly decided it really wanted to binge and treat myself.

i odered a med pizza with two sides and cookies when i got home from work. i just stuffed my face and ate it all. it was glorious. i went out with my flatmate a bit later and i bought quite a big shop with fresh food but also a lot of tinned/frozen things bcus i know i will be poor at the end of the month. i binged on salad items at like midnight. i ate two eggs, a whole freaking cucumber and pack of tomatoes, along with half a red pepper, a carrot, some spring onion and spinach. fresh food never felt so good. i had fruit and a bagel wiv creme cheese for my breakfast this morning. ive not had breakfast in about 6 months because when i started uni i got so stressed i couldnt eat in the morning and then i couldnt really afford to. and i gave myself some money today to get some lunch. i planned on buying one of those salad meal deals but i ended up at subway, i only got a 6 inch tough cos i think i may have died if i got anything bigger. i did however get 3 cookies on offer, ive only ate one as of yet but the other two are staring me down right now. i was so tempted to go to mcdonalds but i would have binged too hard. my poor stomach which i mentioned before had became a lot flatter probs due to lack of food/a lot of walking is so bloated.  i was wearing quite a loose fitting shirt to work and you can just see this big round boi now. customers will think im pregnant fuck me. but its a good bloat. but as i also mentioned ive gained a bit of weight and in the past 24 hours ive probably put on about a stone haha. i probably lost around three inches from my tummy in the past coupla months and now its about 6 inches rounder haha. 

i honestly dont regret it. i think if this was a regular thing and i did stuff like this a lot i would probably be different and feel horrible but it was great. i loved all this good food. 

im gonna go back to reasonable spending now/eating now. i have some spicy carrot soup i made a fortnight ago in the freezer so im gonna heat the rest of that up tonight for me and my flatmate, if i even feel up for eating and tomorrow i will probably enjoy a cheeky but healthy fruit salad for my working lunch.

sucks my brother took out a loan but im splitting his repayments and we can both afford to pay it off, im sure you can even pay it off wholly early (for a fee though) so i could even do that in a few months time cos i already know ill be due a tax refund, i paid so much tax @ my last jobs before i quit them for uni and ill be taxed here but i didnt earn over the threshold due to my break and il be due loadddss back, so we will see.

im gonna donate at the end of the month to some people on here, im not gonna really examine who ‘deserves it most’ and just do it randomly tbh. thanks to the people who donated to me, it e a lot but it did help as i mentioned before.

sidenote below

sidenote - i dont have an eating disorder. i just binged today and yesterday because ive not been able to enjoy the food i like. 

ive always had a bit of a weird relationship with food because ive never been thin and have had some disordered tendancies but nothing thats effected my overall health massively. ive been on countless diets thrughout my life. i dont particularly act like that anymore cos it can be dangerous. id only go on a ‘diet’ if my health was really bad, if i was terribly overweight or if another health condition made me alter my diet. ive also a lot of reckless times where ive just not thought about what ive eat... queue the time i ate a whole selection box and half a tub of ben and jerries for my lunch or the time i only ate a loaf and a half of bread in a day and though ‘ah this is enough calories its fine’. but i think thats moreso bpd. if ive been having a bad time with my mental health i wont care about whats being put in my body. but its not been driven through a desrie to be thinner/bigger ever.

 ive been poor recently and not been living on the best of foods (will probably explain why ive gained weight) but i have been mostly cooking from scratch using frozen meat/fish/veg and tined foods (thank god for bootstrap cooking, am i right???), on occasion i bought fresh veg or meat but thats it. the rest of the food i was eating when i was poor and well still will be eating for the next month was and i try to limit this because i know its really unhealthy has been instant ramen/noodles/soups/rice, breaded frozen meat and frozen garlic bread and chips. snackwise its been like those 10p packs of buiscuits and ive also been baking when i can mostly using my flatmates stuff. if my flatmate was making food and had excess id sometimes have some if she offered but thats been it.

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How dropping acid saved my life

When writer Ayelet Waldman fell into depression she started microdosing with LSD. She tells Rachel Cooke about her extraordinary experiment with acid

Some time ago for reasons that will become apparent I am not allowed to say when, exactly the American writer Ayelet Waldman scored some LSD. She did this, not on a street corner or via the dark web, but middle-class style, through an acquaintance of an acquaintance, for which reason the drug arrived at her home in Berkeley, California, in a stamp-encrusted brown paper package whose sender (an elderly professor, she believed) identified himself only as Lewis Carroll, a fellow resident of her town. Mr Carroll had, however, troubled to write her a brief note. Our lives may be no more than dewdrops on a summer morning, it said. But surely, it is better that we sparkle while we are here. The bottle he enclosed contained 50 drops of vintage quality LSD, of which he advised her to take two at a time. Waldman was delighted. Not to put too fine a point on it, she believed this drug might save her life.

For as long as she can remember, Waldman has been held hostage by her moods. When she is up, she is up; when she is down, she is down. These highs and lows she has managed over the years with the help of therapy and a number of drugs, with which she has had varying degrees of success. At the time of the parcels arrival, though, she had entered a new and much more scary phase.

I was so profoundly depressed, she says. It wasnt the kind of depression where you fall into bed. Ive been through that before, and while its grim, its manageable. This was more of a mixed state, a kind of activated depression, and thats a dangerous place to be. I was doing everything I could to ruin my own life. I was afraid that if I stayed on that track, I would force my husband to leave me, and that I would probably attempt suicide and being a very capable person, I dont think a failed attempt was on the cards.

It was while she was in this state of mind that she stumbled on The Psychedelic Explorers Guide, by the psychologist and writer James Fadiman, who since 2010 has been collecting reports from individuals who have experimented with regular microdosing of LSD and psilocybin, a naturally occurring chemical found in a variety of mushrooms. Fadimans book is certainly not the result of a scientific research project; there has never been an officially sanctioned study of microdosing.

Here comes happiness: Ayelet Waldman at home. Photograph: Barry J Holmes for the Observer

But the people whose accounts it gathered together spoke repeatedly of experiencing, thanks to LSD, increased focus and better mood. They reported rarely losing their tempers, and becoming more fun to be with. None, moreover, had suffered any side effects. To put it simply, they went to bed feeling they had enjoyed that most elusive of things: a really good day. As Waldman read on, she grew envious. How she needed to have one of those! Was this her glimmer of hope? She thought it might be.

Waldman contacted Fadiman, and received a memo entitled To a Potential Self-Study Psychedelic Researcher. The protocol was simple. In order to participate in his international self-study group on the effects of sub-perceptual doses of LSD, she should take a microdose of the drug every third day. The suggested dose was a minuscule 10 micrograms, one 10th or less of what a person would have to take in order to experience an altered state of consciousness (ie to trip).

Meanwhile, she should lead life as normal, pausing only to record her moods, productivity and physical symptoms. Did this sound to be blunt preposterous? It did. Waldman is a middle-aged mother of four who, in addition to writing novels, lectures on the criminal justice system (she is a Harvard-educated former lawyer). As someone who is law-abiding and swotty, nothing in the world irritates her more than hippies, slackers, free spirits. Even people who wont stay on the right hand side of escalators drive her nuts. Ken Kesey she is not. But she was suffering. She had nothing to lose. Why shouldnt she try it, just for a month?

Having found a supplier, then, she did indeed begin taking the drug, an experience she has now recorded in her own book A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life. Its publication is certain to cause controversy. In fact, the madness has already begun. When we speak via Skype, a month or so before it arrives in bookshops, she tells me that only a few days earlier an excitable reporter got in touch to inform her that his editor had given him permission to drop acid with Ayelet Waldman. (Her response to his question about when they might schedule this journalistic endeavour was: Like, never.)

Loved up: Waldman and husband Michael Chabon. Photograph: Albert L Ortega/WireImage

Attitudes to drugs in America are irrespective of those states that have legalised cannabis far from liberal. Trump has appointed to the Department of Justice a war-on-drugs advocate [the Alabama senator, Jeff Sessions] who is so retrograde in his thinking, he believes the US suffers from an under-incarceration problem, she says. Its for this reason that she wont reveal when her experiment ended: there is a three-year statute of limitations on drugs charges. Do I think a white, middle-class lady will be high on his list of targets? No. But in this crazy new world we live in, you cant be too careful.

Its reception will also doubtless be muddied by the fact that she is its author. In America, Waldman is well known as an acclaimed writer in her own right and as the wife of the Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Michael Chabon, to whom she has been married since 1993. When she writes about herself, moreover and this is something she does a great deal in A Really Good Day people have a tendency to respond with unnerving fury.

Most famously, this was the case in 2005, when the New York Times published her essay Motherlove, in which she declared that she loved her husband more than her children (If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother.) In the days that followed, ABCs daytime show The View hosted an unaccountably vitriolic debate about Waldman, her neighbours could be heard tearing her to shreds in Starbucks, and her inbox filled with emails from strangers threatening to report her to social services, the better that her children might be taken away.

Waldman is clever and funny and open-hearted. But as she readily admits, even her more sympathetic readers may sometimes have cause to wonder, in the case of A Really Good Day, which aspects of her behaviour her compulsion to tell the world things that others might prefer to keep private among them are simply the result of her personality, and which can be attributed to her illness. It is hard to distinguish between them, she says, almost wonderingly.

Still, she is probably better placed, now, to cope with any onslaught. Waldman is no longer using LSD her experiment really did last for only a month but its effects have, in some ways, been lasting. I miss its anti-depressant quality, and I miss the way it made me focus. It was like Ritalin [a drug commonly prescribed in the US to children with ADHD] without the side effects, which is frankly incredible. But that month got me out of a dark place. Within the first couple of doses, it was like the computer of my brain had been restarted. I was still moody. I had some really good days, but there were also crappy days, and days when it was just the normal shit. Somehow, though, the bad days were not hellish days, and so I had the capacity to work on issues I just couldnt before. Sure, I was hoping for joy. What I got instead was enough distance from the pain I was in to work on the things that were causing it.

Expand your mind: 1960s LSD advocate Dr Timothy Leary, who advised us to turn on, tune in, drop out. Photograph: AP

That work continues. Im still not on an even keel. Im still struggling with my moods. But Im committed to that. Im doing a new kind of therapy that is working quite well, even if not quite so well as it might be if I was still microdosing. If someone sends her a mean tweet in the coming weeks, she is unlikely to respond as venomously as she might once have done, or even at all.

Given its benign effect on her, why didnt she just find herself a new supplier, and continue taking it? There were, she says, two reasons. The first was her complete inability to purchase illegal drugs: towards the end of her book, she describes how, having made contact by text with a dealer, she panics, having convinced herself that Lucy is a police informant. The second was her determination to write a book about her experience: for that to be safe, she had to no longer be using.

If I could have overcome those things, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have carried on. Of course, it might not have kept working; Ive been on medication before that seemed to be working, and then wasnt. But if it was to be made legal, Id be the first in the queue, and I periodically remind myself that, if I get desperate again, I do have the option.

Her book is well-researched and, in the matter of LSD itself, careful and no-nonsense. The drug, a variation on the ergotamine molecule (ergot is the fungus responsible for the disease known in the Middle Ages as St Anthonys Fire) which was first synthesised in Basel in 1938 by Dr Albert Hofmann, has, she argues, an undeservedly bad reputation. The scare stories it trails of young men and women whose LSD hallucinations lead them to jump off high buildings have little basis in reality. Rather, they are largely the result of conservative Americas response to the 1960s counterculture, to Timothy Learys suggestion that people turn on, tune in, drop out. Twenty million people have used it in the US, and millions more around the world, with no ill effects at all.

Its complicated, but when it comes to the drugs possible use in the treatment of mental illness, what you need to know is that LSD stimulates the 5-HT2A serotonin receptor, which in turn leads to the stimulation both of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), something a pharmacologist described to her as like Miracle-Gro for the brain It stimulates growth, connections, and activity, and of glutamate, the neurotransmitter most responsible for brain functions, such as cognition, learning and memory. (Hence its supposed new-found popularity in Silicon Valley, though Waldman thinks that, in reality, there are more magazine articles about tech dudes using LSD than there are, well, tech dudes using LSD: If there were some mass secret movement, it would have been a lot easier for to get hold of my drugs.)

She believes that during her experiment her neuroplasticity was enhanced, and that this didnt only enable her to work for hours at a time, to achieve a real sense of flow at her desk, but that it also made her happier and less impulsive. What little research has been done backs her up a study at Imperial College London showed that even a single dose of LSD produced robust psychological effects though scientists still dont fully understand the relationship between what happens in the brain, and the psyche.

Why isnt more research carried out? The simple truth is that LSD still carries with it a lot of leftover political baggage. During the writing of her book, the few researchers sanctioned by the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) who are out there were reluctant to allow Waldman to quote them, fearing that to associate themselves with a personal experiment would tarnish their hard-won credibility.

So far, so good. However, when her book is on more personal territory, as it frequently is, Waldman is vastly less cautious, and for the reader especially, perhaps, the British reader this can be, well, excruciating. I know! she says, when I tell her this. Can you imagine what it would be like for me if I lived in London? Chabon, a feminist with whom she shares the childcare, has the power of veto over everything she writes. But because hes a writer, too, this seems not to be something he often invokes. In A Really Good Day, nothing is out of bounds, from their agonising couples therapy (My husbands eyes filled I collapsed in his arms, crying so hard I soaked his shirt), to their sex life (I know you love me, I said, as we made love), to their periodic use of MDMA, aka ecstasy, as a way of opening up their lines of connection. What we did was talk, she writes, of the first time they tried it, in a hotel room theyd booked specifically for the purpose. For six hours, we talked about our feelings for each other, why we love each other, how we loved each other.

Waldman reveals that her moods can be triggered by everything from her writerly insecurities, to the dog, to the sound of her husband eating nuts (she suffers from misophonia, or selective sound sensitivity syndrome): I handed him a handful of almonds, and walked out of the kitchen I heard a crunch, the smack of lips; I felt a wave of anger. She is also fed up that her husband earns more than her, and that she has to share his writing studio, which has an uncomfortable couch: Though hes welcomed me in, I feel like a girlfriend whos been given a drawer in the bachelor pad bathroom. Poor Michael Chabon. The reader begins to feel he is some kind of saint.

Well, he is somewhat saintly, Waldman says. He makes my friends crazy. He gives great gifts. He has impeccable taste in clothes and jewellery. He is a know-it-all, but then, he does sort of know everything. Hes misanthropic, in that we [the family] are all he has space for; he doesnt have any close friends, which I think he would benefit from. I was about to say that hes far better than I deserve, but thats the pathology speaking, because I am a very good wife for him.

Isnt he ever mean to her? Yeah, sure he is. He encouraged her to embark on LSD experiment because he was desperate, too.

Before we hang up, I have to ask: does she ever worry her extraordinarily intense relationship with Chabon on Twitter she has been known to post pictures of her husband, along with a line informing her 15,800 followers just how much she loves him might be another symptom of her illness? For the first time in our conversation, she is hesitant. The gale of her voice drops to a light breeze.

Yeah, I have thought about this. I have said to him: If I were to get healthy, would I still love you, and would you still love me? There is a way that Ive confused needing with loving. I dont want to sound like a Hallmark card, but love is [supposed to be] unselfish, and in my most internal, whirling dark places, I think I need him so badly because he takes care of me, protects me, makes me feel safe. One of the things that saved our marriage in that [dark] period was when I brutally tried to disentangle those things.

The upshot is that she thinks, now, perhaps its OK to need him. After the LSD, when I was having this intense new therapy, I took a drive one night in northern California, where the countryside is very beautiful. I had this thought: maybe I dont love him after all. It was terrifying, and I was crying. But then the phone rang, and it was him. How did she feel then? His voice filled me like a glass of water.

People have been curious, even excited: an extract from A Really Good Day

A fewdays ago, I began tentatively to tell people about this experiment. To my surprise, I encountered few negative reactions. Every once in a while a listener might arch an eyebrow or smile uncomfortably, as if trying to figure out whether her discomfort meant that she wasnt hip enough, or whether I really was nuts. But those have been in the decided minority. Most people have been curious, even excited.

Those with histories of mood disorders were intrigued to hear that my spirits have lifted, that though I sometimes feel the familiar clutch of anxiety in my chest, I am generally able to use mindfulness techniques to make it dissolve. When I told them that I have not gained weight and that my libido has not withered away, they got really excited. The side effects of SSRIs are so ubiquitous and unpleasant that the idea of a medication protocol with fewer of them is thrilling.

Friends who incline to the spiritual were disappointed when they heard that Ive experienced no connection to the divine, but reassured when I mention the pleasure Ive taken in the natural world, the tree outside my window, the smell of the jasmine beside the city sidewalks. Risk takers and hedonists were disappointed that I was unable to provide details of hallucinations. No kaleidoscopic colours, they asked wistfully, no feeling that the floor was shifting beneath your feet? I live in California. The last thing I want to feel is the floor shifting beneath my feet. They urged me to try a real dose. It would change my life, they said, as though my problem is that my life has been too devoid of weirdness. Besides, my life is changing.

Tonight, however, was a different story. These two writer friends are about 20 years older than my husband and me, which puts them firmly in the boomer generation. They were in their 20s in the 1960s. Theyve travelled the world, rejected a life of secure conformity in favour of the risks and rewards of art. What better people to confide in? I thought.

Well, I said, Ive been writing, but not working on a novel. Ive been writing about microdosing with LSD.

What does that mean, the woman of the pair asked? Are you writing some kind of nonfiction article on people who use LSD?

I took a breath and then explained.

Her face froze. If she had been wearing pearls, she would have clutched them. She looked horrified, even disgusted, as if Id told her that Id taken up murdering baby seals. Her husbands reaction was only slightly less disturbing. He smiled uncomfortably and changed the subject. I immediately agreed, yes, the antipasto was delicious, and, no, I didnt want any more.

Their reaction launched a series of cascading anxieties. Will I be condemned for doing this? Will people reject me as a nutcase, a crank, a deluded acid freak? Will I lose whatever credibility I have in the world? Will parents not let their children come over to our house any more, under the misapprehension that I keep drugs in my home?

As soon as dinner was over, I tried the technique for dissipating anxiety that my cognitive behavioural therapist recommends. I took a few deep breaths, exhaling for half again as long as I inhaled. My chest and throat unclenched. The anxiety ebbed. I was calm again. I was OK.

Also, I had some perspective. This couple were young in the 1960s, when Timothy Leary was spreading the gospel of psychedelic recklessness. For all I know, they had complicated histories with the drug that influenced how they responded to me. In all likelihood, their discomfort had far more to do with them than with me.

A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life by Ayelet Waldman is published by Corsair at 13.99. To order a copy, go to bookshop.theguardian.com

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