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nevertheless-moving · 4 years ago

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Suicidal Misunderstanding VII

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Part I - - - Part II - - - Part III - - - Part IV - - - Part V - - - Part VI

CONTENT WARNING: Please be advised this chapter may contain triggering material. More detail available in tags.

It wasn’t until Anakin was staring at the hot sauce bottles and solitary mysterious green takeout container that he remembered they were at war, and therefore no longer in the habit of restocking the apartment’s cold stasis.

“Obi-Wan, there’s nothing to eat!”

"I know!” came the call back. “I’m trying to meditate!”

Anakin closed the stasis door and walked back out to the common room. Obi-Wan sat crosslegged on the window sill.

“Do or do not, there is no try,” the knight quipped.

Obi-Wan opened his eyes to look fondly at the man standing before him. Maybe tomorrow, when he woke alone in a dusty desert hovel, he would regret letting himself play pretend for so long. Maybe this whole day would fade from his memory like a dream.

But right now, he felt... peaceful. He wouldn’t claim to be satisfied by the explanations he imagined for Anakin, but it would have been far more disturbing if he somehow came up with an actually sympathetic justification for genocide. He got to say and hear a number of goodbyes. He even got to cry over Anakin with the comfort of his presence.

Now he had to let go, to be there for Luke. (And he could always get more spice...)

“I guess if you need to meditate, I can go pick us up food from the Temple Tapcaf.” Anakin offered.

“Thank you, Anakin. Today...helped. More than I can explain.” Obi-Wan said softly.

“I- I don’t really deserve that. Considering it was all my fault.” Anakin bowed his head, helpless for words, but uncomfortable with being praised.

“Not every terrible thing that has happened is your fault. You made a series of terrible choices, yes. But there were, there are, other dark forces at work and not a single Jedi in the order was able to stop them. At least for a short time today I was able to set that aside, so for what it’s worth, thank you.”

“Kriff.” Anakin said shocked. “Of course there’s more. Ok. That’s all right, we-” he was cut off by a growl from Obi-Wan’s stomach.

A snort of laughter escaped before Anakin smacked a hand over his mouth. “Alright, I’m going to the Tapcaf, you just...meditate until I get back.”

Obi-Wan swallowed and nodded, “I love you so much.”

“Force Obi-Wan, you’re going to make me start crying again.” He pulled him into a bear hug. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m not gone, ok? Just...meditate. And drink some water.”

"Hmm, I don’t know. Some of my best choices recently have been stupid,” Obi-Wan laughed. The words were light, but Anakin felt a prickle of unease, a hint of danger. There was no clear cause, and Obi-Wan seemed relaxed but...

Anakin gripped his Master’s shoulders, staring him dead in the eye. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

Obi-Wan sighed, “I promise.” He pulled Anakin down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Goodbye, Anakin.”

"I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” He paused, then mumbled, “i love you too” before speeding out the door.

Obi-Wan settled back into meditation, reaching inwards. Everything but his body and the light within faded. He magnified his hunger, his thirst, visualizing the pack of dried jerky in his hut, the precious jars of water in the basement. He could almost feel the heat that never quite abandoned Tatooine, even during the short nights. He opened his eyes

and saw the temple apartment.

He shut them again quickly. He was sure he could snap himself out of this. He sank deeper inward, careful to leave his shields perfectly intact. With the galaxy as dim as it was, a real show of force had the potential to grab attention across star systems. Force purging toxins, fortunately, was more a matter of internal concentration than outward power. It was one of the first skills Obi-Wan had truly mastered as a Jedi, thanks to numerous kidnappings at the start of his apprenticeship and hard drinking towards the end.

It was uncomfortable to be that keenly aware of one’s kidneys, but Obi-Wan managed. It was less intense than a healing trance, anyway. His heart rate increased as various metabolic processes sped up- and almost immediately slowed down. Huh. The drug must of almost run its natural course, and now he

still in the temple.

Kark. Shit.

‘Breathe’ he thought. Stress was only going to increase his chances of a stroke. Alright, so meditation wasn’t working. Maybe he could try for longer, but part of him was nervous that if ‘Anakin’ returned he’d lose the willpower, and so far the passage of time had been extremely linear. He was too invested in the fantasy at this point for anything easy.

Remember your training. Your eyes can deceive you, do not trust them.

Padawans were taught three main methodologies to move beyond mindtricks, hallucinations, visions, and the like. Looking In, Reaching Out, and Breaking Out.

Looking in wasn’t working. That left the other two options. In the past, when his senses were lying to him he could always trust in the force, but now...it was just too much risk. Reaching out like that, with his whole self, meant the chance of finding someone.

That left breaking out. Obi-Wan jumped up, staring intensely at the details in the molding, the stains on the carpet, at everything. At no point today had he spotted objects fading to grey in the corner his vision, or ripple as memories from different time frames overlapped, but surely there must be some weak point.

Nothing.

Shit, he really had stayed too long. Alright then, time for more uncivilized measures.

He walked to the kitchen and pulled their butcher’s vibroblade from its block, holding it to his neck, then hesitated.

This had to be done, but it didn’t make it any less unsettling. It was his own fault for lingering in the delusion so long; all the more palatable paths to escape had closed off, and after all he had been through he refused to die from a drug overdose. Gods, it might take years for someone to find the body.

He steeled himself, bringing the blade back up decisively only to drop it with a clatter. Pressing a hand to his throat, he was unnerved but not entirely surprised to find a stinging line of pain. His hand came away wet with blood. He instinctively pressed both hands to the cut, pulse rapid and heavy and slippery beneath his palms.

It’s just a hallucination. It’s just an extremely vivid hallucination.

A thought occurred to Obi-Wan then, and he felt something in the pit of his stomach drop in horror.

What if...what if the blade was real. What if he was actually moving around his home right now, hazily sleepwalking in a pantomime of the peaceful stroll and tender embraces he was imagining. It would explain the immediate relief from the water this morning...hadn’t he found his way to food and water even dazed from sleep-debt and blood-loss during the war?

He had a vibroblade in the desert too...

His pulse pounded harder beneath his hands. The cut wasn’t even that deep, but for the first time Obi-Wan felt the true existential horror of his current trap well up. If he didn’t know where the walls were...how could he escape.

He took a deep breath, acknowledging and letting go of his panic.

He had the force. He would just have to be delicate in his application. He picked up the bloodied tool from the floor but decided to simply to clip it to his belt for now. A force-null object would be harder to distinguish at first touch.

Obi-Wan walked to his temple bedroom and opened the barest crack in his shields, just enough to reach out, get a sense of existing currents in the force. He stirred at one until a small vortex of light formed. To anyone looking, it would appear a naturally occurring, low-powered whirlpool, common enough on Tattoine. Any gentle moves he made in the minutes before it fell apart would hopefully be obscured by its wake.

He hesitantly laid a hand on the lightsaber on his bedside table, lowering his shields a little further. His heart sunk when he realized that his memory had even recreated the perception of force-imbued temple walls in the periphery. The Kyber in his saber reverberated with a familiar song. He jerked his hand away. That felt too much like his real lightsaber. He couldn’t risk it.

Before Obi-Wan truly began to panic again, he realized something missing. Anakin’s- Darth Vader’s saber. Since picking it up on Mustafar, the crystal in it had screamed at him, halfway to corruption. When he touched the blade he could almost feel... feel what horrors it had been bent to commit.

Most of the time he left it buried under a rock pile in his basement, too afraid to work on healing it.

He couldn’t hear it now- but he could feel the memory of what it used to be.

It sat innocently on his Anakin’s bedside table. There was a tinge of darkness to it of course- this saber had only ever known war. But when he rested a hand on the blade it was clear this belonged to the memory he had walked with today, not the tyranny of reality.

Grasping it firmly, he marched back to the windowsill and settled, intent on his choice. Sunsets here couldn’t compare to tattooine- they were just too different. The binary play transformed the infinite horizon. It was something on Tatooine he unabashedly marveled at.

Courasant, on the other hand, transformed the sun into a reflection of itself. Untold millions of transparisteel buildings refracted the star painfully at some points while casting shadows on the rest. The filter of light through constant smog resulted in strange shades of neon green and blood red. It was beautiful, but uncomfortable to look at too long.

He closed his eyes and pressed the saber to his chest.

---

Anakin was impatiently waiting in the hot service line when the urge to return to his apartment insistently welled up again. He pushed it back of course- Obi-Wan needed food and Anakin couldn’t keep putting his own selfish impulses in front of his Master’s wellbeing.

He held out for a few seconds, but the itch was getting stronger, sharper. He looked down at the tray- it already had most of Obi-Wan’s cold favorites, but he really wanted to get him his favorite soup if the line would just move a little faster. He jolted when, for the first time that day, Obi-Wan’s shielding thinned the slightest amount. Not enough to get anything clear, but the fact that there was movement at all...

He left the line; they could always come back together if Obi-Wan wanted. Hells, maybe they’d do a late night visit to Dex’s for some real comfort food. Anakin still couldn’t get a sense of what Obi-Wan was up to through their muffled bond. He felt a buzz in his ears, not unlike the moment before an enemy blow.

He picked up speed, tea sloshing in its thermoflask. An elder looked at him annoyed as darted around him.

He started speed walking in earnest as the feeling got more intense. A sandwich fell to the wayside.

Speed walking quickly switched to jogging, then running; there was a shout of complaint as he ditched the whole tray carelessly behind.

He took the last few hallways at a full-out force-assisted sprint, the Force itself screaming at him to move. A small part of his mind thought we’re safe inside the temple Obi-Wan promised not to do anything stupid i’m going to get such shit for freaking out over nothing.

He sensed nothing from Obi-Wan over the bond; not a hint of fear or anger or surprise. He blurred around the last corner, feeling like he might throw up with his increasing, unexplained panic.

Not caringabout anything butgettingto Obi-Wan beforeitstoolate he smashed down the door at the same moment Obi-Wan, sitting peacefully by the window, turned on the lightsaber pointing directly at his heart.

Time seemed to slow. Splinters of the door frame hung in the air as Anakin desperately pulled the lightsaber away from Obi-Wan in the half-second between activation and ignition.

He wasn’t quite fast enough.

Blue plasma pierced Obi-Wan’s chest as time caught up. Pieces of the wall shattered like shrapnel as he turned, shocked to see Anakin. The saber flew away in a straight arrow.

Anakin threw himself to Obi Wan’s side, wildly trying to draw heat away from the searing hole before it could vaporize the surrounding flesh. He couldn’t tell what the saber had pierced, or how far it had gone in considering its last second movement.

One hand trained on a hundred battle fields robotically reached for his comm-unit to call for emergency medical assistance. His mind however, had largely been left behind a few minutes ago, when he was trying to pick what Obi-Wan would want to eat for dinner.

What came out his mouth was more incoherent shrieking than anything else, but he had at least called the correct line for temple aid.

He threw down the comm, focus intent on controlling the smoldering burn. The air around them seemed to boil and Obi-Wan started struggling to get away. Anakin bodily held him down, finally finding words,

“What the FUCK, OBI-WAN! YOU LITERALLY JUST PROMISED NOT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID! YOU PROMISED!”

“that’s why- hkk I have to” Obi-Wan rasped.

“Karking Fuck.YOU- STOP MOVING!”

Anakin felt a twinge of danger come from the side but was too focused to do anything but shift his body as shield. A sharp pain pierced his gut but he ignored it.

The air crackled with heat and power as the wound beneath him cooled. A faint trickle of dark blood oozed out, probably burns breaking from recent movement, considering the instant cauterization. He couldn’t see any light coming through, which meant he had moved the saber at least a quarter klick before it activated, Anakin thought semi hysterically.

Finally, someone showed up to investigate the disturbance. In truth, probably less than a minute had passed since Anakin entered the room, but he really didn’t care.

“HELP ME!” Anakin shouted.

“What happened?” Mace Windu asked grimly, falling to the ground next to them. Not waiting for an answer, he set his lit saber aside and placed his hand to Obi-Wan’s forehead, stilling the violent thrashing.

Anakin opened his mouth but he just didn’t have the words. He didn’t know.

“General Skywalker, report.” Mace Windu commanded sharply.

“I left him alone to get dinner for us. I ran back and when I broke open the door he was holding the lightsaber to his chest. I tried...to pull it away. It pierced him, and I’ve been trying to manage the initial burn risk. I called for medi but I don’t know their eta.”

“They’re behind me. How did you get stabbed?” the Master demanded.

“How did I what?” Anakin looked down to see a vibroblade sticking out from his left side. Right, the pain from before. Obi-Wan suddenly mustered up the energy to wake up despite his state and Windu’s compulsion. He looked around wildly before yanking the knife from Anakin’s side.

Anakin gasped, but managed to still his brother’s hand using the force before he could finish bringing it up to his neck, which Anakin just noticed was bloody.

“STOP TRYING TO DIE!” Anakin screeched.

“...I’m...not....I’m....trying.....to...”

But before Obi-Wan could finish the sentence, the healers finally arrived, pushing Windu aside to grab hold of Anakin and Obi-Wan. He could feel a buzz of energy go through him, stopping at the growing damp patch at his side. He tried to push the man away but the heat in the room was starting to make him dizzy

“I’m fine! Focus on Obi-Wan.”

Mace placed a hand on his shoulder, and in the gentlest voice he had ever heard from the man, said, “You’ve been stabbed Anakin. Let the healers help both of you- you’ve done well looking out for him.”

Obi-Wan, still occasional thrashing was being loaded onto a hoverstrech for transport. A second stretcher waited next to it.

“Master Windu! He’s fighting us,” Master Che called sharply. “Can you tell us what happened?”

“Master Kenobi tried to kill himself,” Windu replied flatly. “His wounds are self inflicted and he’s violently fighting assistance”

There was a beat as that information was processed. Knight Bant, who must have arrived at some point, said in slightly less flat voice, “He displayed erratic behavior earlier today, and I ruled out drug interactions.”

“Thank you, Knight Bant.” Master Che plunged a syringe of some kind into Obi-Wans thigh. He finally stopped attempting to fight, falling down onto the board. “Red team, with me. Orange, you have Skywalker,” She instructed sharply.

Anakin numbly watched most of the healers leave with Obi-Wan through a hole in the wall. He slowly started to stand and somehow ended up guided into a seat on the hoverboard. Looking down, he was surprised to see his tunic cut away in favor of a large bacta patch.

“Hey,” he protested. “Who stabbed me?”

“We can discuss that after you have surgery,” A Human healer replied. Master Covamos, he thought.

“This is my fault” Anakin said, suddenly urgent. “I shouldn’t have left him. He told me goodbye, he was saying goodbye all day, I should have...”

“You saved his life,” Windu interrupted. “You got to him just in time, don’t waste your energy on should-haves. Now sleep.”

Anakin wanted to argue more, but instead found himself laying down, vision blurring. His face felt damp, had he been stabbed more than once? Windu said a few more words he couldn’t quite make out. There was a brief stinging sensation, then everything faded away.

----

Part VIII

#star wars #potentially triggering #self harm #attempted suicide #blood #graphic depictions of injury #violence #character is not actually suicidal but is severely divorced from reality due to space wizard plot device #suicidal misunderstanding au #my au #star wars au no 27 #angst #obi wan kenobi needs a hug #KRIFF this was intense to write #i need a hug #jeez #story was supposed to go emotional catharsis Healing TRAUMA healing Emotional Catharsis but i may have played myself with the middle bit #hope you enjoy :)#or at least suffer with me

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brelione · 4 years ago

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Feild Trip with a Rich Bitch (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

Part Two

Mentions of drugs,Rafe being a bitch,swearing and blow torches :)

Also,Goddess Part Three will be up by Friday afternoon.If you would like to be tagged please let me know :)

He had always hated Pogues.Then he met you.

You worked at a car repair shop in The Cut.He had come in on his bike,well,he had walked the broken piece of shit to the shop.You were the only one working that day.He couldnt help but think you looked adorable with your long sleeve yellow shirt under dark blue overalls,a backwards red hat and at least six silver chains draped across your neck.You had been extremely focused,sitting indian style as you smoothed a weird bump on a car with a nail file. “So are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna tell me what youre doing here,pretty boy?”You asked,not taking your attention off the task at hand.He blinked,surprised by your carefree yet assertive tone. “Uhh...somethings wrong with my bike.”He mumbled,attempting to smooth out his hair.You let out a small laugh as you dragged a paint brush along the smooth metal,fixing the messy spot. “No shit.What’d you do to it?”You asked,spreading more paint across the metal.His face turned red as he glanced around the shop.

There were paintings across the walls,multiple tool boxes and a wall of paint swatches.There were six other cars parked,some of them with large dents,holes or scratches. “I drove it into a tree.”He mumbled.You nodded. “Magnificent job,pretty boy.How are you gonna have a bike as expensive as that one then drive it into a tree?”You asked.He just shrugged,hands in his pockets.You put your paintbrush down into a cup of water,pulling out a blowtorch from seemingly nowhere.The flame hovered above the paint,drying and hardening it.Once you were satisfied with the paint job you stood up,brushing off your pants.You still had the blowtorch in your hand,the potential weapon swinging next to your thigh as you walked towards Rafe. “You gotta put the kickstand down,pretty boy.”You reminded him,gesturing to the bike.He nodded. “Right.”He nodded,putting the kickstand down and turning the handlebars so it would lean on the metal rod.One of the tires seemed blown out,a straight hole through the seat and multiple scratches across the metal.He watched as you looked over it.

You pulled at one of your chains. “So are you going to tell me what actually happened?”You asked,crossing your arms over your chest.That caused him to look down at your chest and the bleach stains across the front of your overalls.You snapped your fingers to get his attention back to your eyes.He cleared his throat,looking back up at you. “So how much for the repairs?”He asked.You smirked. “Well...i’d say $150 but you’re an asshole so thats an additional $15 and you’re also ruining my day so that would be another $15.”You twirled one of your chains,looking into his blue eyes.He bit his tongue,glancing between you and his bike. “And whats the fee for you not to tell anyone youre keeping my bike here?”He asked.You ran the tip of your tongue along your teeth with a devil like smile.God,this boy had never been in this kind of situation before.You werent even gonna tell anyone in the first place.You could probably charge him hundreds of dollars for all the things he’s done and he wouldnt be able to do anything about it.You were the best repair woman on the island and anyone else would go straight to his dad.It was 11 in the morning.You had pulled an all nighter for the third time that week and you hadnt eaten yet.Plus,if you sent Rafe to the store he could buy the expensive shit.

“Theres a store three blocks away.Youre gonna go there and buy everything on the list and youre not gonna question it.”You told him.His eyebrows furrowed as he watched you take a notepad out of your pocket along with a pen,jotting things down.You tore the paper off,folding it and handing it to him.He took it,frowning and confused. “Hurry up.”You told him.He nodded,no words or sounds escaping his lips as he left the garage and made his way down the street.He knew what store you were talking about,the one with the sleeping cat outside.It was awfully quiet as he walked.Most of the time all the exciting things happened at night,not 11 in the morning.Either that or all the pogues were hiding from him,his gelled hair and his ugly ass khakis.He unfolded the piece of paper,reading it.Three large lemons,two large monster energy drinks,a bag of doritos and a pack of gum.It was a strange request but he wasnt supposed to question it.He had kept his head down at the store,grabbing three of the largest lemons he saw,two random monster energy drinks,the doritos and three packs of gum.

He didnt know what kind of gum you liked but you probably had to like one of the three,right?When he got back you were using your blowtorch on a part of the bike you had painted. “Put the bag on the work table and touch nothing.”You spoke loudly,confidently.He found your confidence unbelievably attractive.He never let anyone boss him around like this but ther was just something about you.You held some sort of power over other pogues,he could tell that much by the few boneyard parties he’d gone too.The others were attracted to you,some of them held their breath as you walked by,others just kept their distance.He didnt know where such nice chains had come from.They looked like they had weight,indicating that they were real.He had carefully walked over to your work table,seeing multiple small jars of paint,brushes,metal sheets,files,nails,screws and your cell phone.It was a pretty old model.He set the bag down on an empty spot,watching as a notification came across your phone.Eighteen days sober!Log this milestone.He frowned.Sober from what?

He shook it off,walking back around to where you were with his bike. “I was worried that you’d set my bike on fire or something.”He spoke quietly,trying to make conversation.You glared up at him,eyebrows casting shadows over your irises. “What?Cause im a dirty pogue?”You asked.He shook his head frantically. “Thats not what I meant I-”He began to explain himself but you cut him off. “So because im fixing your bike im different?”You asked.He sighed. “I just meant because of the blowtorch-Im sorry.”He mumbled.You stood up,blowtorch in hand. “Know your place,rich bitch.Your bike will be done by three,save yourself the embarrassment and go home to your mansion.”Your voice was dripping in venom,eyes narrowing.He gulped. “I cant go back home without my bike,my dad will kill me.”He mumbled,looking down at you.You smirked. “Good.”You replied before kneeling down again by the bike,getting back to work. “God,could you stop staring at me?Go sit somewhere or sue a tree or some shit.”You huffed.He almost tripped over his own feet,finding a chair and sitting down.He tapped his food on the ground anxiously. “So um...how long have you been fixing cars?”He asked.

You slammed the blow torch down on the concrete. “Could you shut the fuck up?Please?”You asked.He bit his lip. “I dont like the silence.”He replied. “And I dont like loud noises.”You answered. “What are you sober from?”He asked.You sat there for a moment,eyes locked on the ground.You slowly stood up,walking towards him. “You went on my phone?”You asked.His mouth went dry and he was lost for words. “Rafe.”You snarled.He looked back up at you,beads of sweat collecting at his hairline. “I-the notification-I just saw it and I just-God,im sorry (Y/N).”He sighed,looking away from you.Your hand reached up,gripping his jaw and making him look at you. “Didnt I tell you to shut the fuck up?”You asked.He looked away from you,only looking back when your grip tightened. “Yeah.”He muttered. “And you’re gonna be good and shut that pretty mouth of yours,right?”You asked,squeezing harder on his flesh.He hummed.

“Good.”You mumbled,taking your hand away and getting back to work.You could feel him staring at you,the way your fingers moved as you grabbed your tools.He understood now.He understood the pogues’ fear and admiration of you.He felt like one of them,caught up in your beauty and the way you carried yourself while simultaneously being slightly afraid of you.You walked past him,grabbing one of the monsters.You grabbed a knife from the table.He watched as you cut open the bottom of the energy drink and shot gunned it,wiping your mouth when you were done.You grabbed a lemon from the bag,cutting an end of it off.You pulled a container of a white powder,opening it and coating the lemon slice in it. “Dont stare at me like that.Its salt,nothing you can snort.”You grumbled,taking the slice out and placing it in your mouth.Your eyes didnt squint and your eyebrows didnt furrow at the taste. “You...you eat lemons in salt?”He asked.You pulled the lemon slice from your teeth,biting the salt coated fruit as it left your mouth.

“I do.”You replied. “It helps with cravings.”You finished your thought,going to fix the bike seat.Rafe had sat on his phone until one in the afternoon when he heard someone come in. “You havent answered your phone,thought you were dead or something.”A deep voice said.Rafe heard you giggle. “Only on the inside,sunshine.I’m busy with work right now,tell the others ill be around by seven.”He heard the tone of your voice.Friendly,happy and almost excited. “Alright.Did you eat today?”The voice asked. “I had a lemon slice,ive got some doritos so dont worry too much.I’ll see you later.”You had told your friend. “Alright,sounds like a plan.”THe boys voice said before leaving.Rafe watched as you rolled a tire inside,replacing the one he had destroyed.Once you had replaced it you went back to the bag of goodies,cutting open the other monster.You chugged it,sighing as you stared up at the ceiling. “Why do you hate me so much?”Rafe asked suddenly.A smile tugged at your lips.

“You beat up two of my boys,you come around starting shit and blaming it on us,you think youre just so fucking amazing when youre really just a bitch,you ran over my fucking mailbox,you drink and drive,you gave another one of my boys a fucking concussion and a scar and you wonder why I hate you?”You ranted,fists clenching.He just sat there,hands gripping the arms of the chair. “You just fuck things up.”You sighed.He licked his lips. “You sound like my dad.”He mumbled.You laughed. “Oh dont get me started on your dad.That bitch ruined my life.”You sighed,grabbing another lemon slice.He raised his eyebrows. “What?How?”He asked.You just giggled to yourself. “You really have no idea what your father has done to my family?No idea at all?”You asked.He shook his head.You just laughed again,the sound filling the air.It wasnt like the way you had giggled with your friend.It was empty and sarcastic,hiding anger that was building up inside of you. “You wanna go for a field trip,Rafe Cameron?”You asked.

#rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #outer banks #pope heyward #sarah cameron #jj maybank #john b #drew starkey #obx #kiara carrera #rafe cameron x you

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lovesaadiqa · 3 years ago

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BBL Costs, Prep + Recovery

Im booked!! I talked to a few friends who I know either got this surgery or is getting this done. I wanted one since forever but I wanted my teeth done first. The deciding factor came down to my birthday plans.

Originally I was going to do a birthday tour. First weekend of October in Miami for carnival, 2nd weekend in Atl for Freak Nik, 3rd weekend in Bahamas and finally Nola for the finale. Well Nola was just hit with a storm so yeah that’s out. Once I totaled up the flights, hotels, food and spending money.. I was like hmm, I can get a fat ass and started this process. Immediately looked into surgeon and Dr. Pena was my favorite, his bodies come out so mf snatched, he’s located in Columbia. Columbian surgeons can take out way more fat than American doctors however, the fatality rate is stupid and ultimately the factor that made me choose an American doctor.

The next step was choosing the surgeon for the body I have and the one I want. I weigh 151 and im 5′6″ I’m considered a “skinny bbl”. I started researching doctors in Atlanta (so I could recover at home) and Miami (like duh). I chose to go with Dr. Desouza in Miami with CG Cosmetics for a few reasons. First, I love the look of his skinny bbl’s on other women with the same body type, weight and height as me. Secondly, he was having a special for the end of the year (lipo 360, bbl, jplasma for $6500 for the surgeon I wanted) this almost sold me but it was the surgery date!! Jplasma is skin tightening procedure to help with loose skin, you can only get this with lipo. When they perform lipo they created canals under your skin to remove the fat.. well those same canals are essential when getting Jplasma.

Ok so I decided on the surgeon, contacted the cosmetic group and had a consultation which is pretty much just front, side and back view pictures.. I think they use this to make sure you don’t need a tummy tuck prior to surgery. They also asked me questions about previous surgeries and if i’ve ever had anesthesia. The next step went pretty quickly, we talked about what would be lipo’d (abs, waist, back.. I wanted inner thighs, an additional 2k, but was advised to wait on my pre-op to decide), when I wanted to book and how I'd pay. My consult was on August 30th.. I bitched up when she attempted to take my payment. I am a money hoarder and spending that much money made me feel like I was being financially irresponsible. I called one of my Aunt’s who I felt wouldn’t judge me and also give me sound advise. We talked about my fears, why I was getting the procedure and of course money. My Aunt gave me excellent advice, reassured me and is a professional CNA who offered to accompany me so yeah I dare not turn that down, lol. August 31, 2021, I called my coordinator (the contact between me and my surgeon) and told her I wanted to book, she asked me when I’d be ready and I requested first available which was 9/20/21!! Excited is an understatement.. I'd be 24 days post op on my birthday. After I calmed down I paid in full for multiple reasons: had to in order to secure the date, all surgeries book in this year had to be paid in full, it was the only way to get the discount.. My coordinator gave me so much information I couldn’t see straight (I was also high as shit off life thinking about a fat ass and me in the same sentence).. she emailed + texted everything, congratulated me and we hung up.

I get the emails: “raise you hemoglobin with these vitamins” I purchased vitamin C $2, folic acid $2, iron $3 and floradix $35 - amazon, I take them as directed on the bottle and start eating my ass off (just to give my surgeon more to work with, lol). Talking to one of my gf’s I realize I have to be cleared for surgery?!?! What? I open my email and sure enough I have to have blood work done 15-20 prior to surgery, it was 9/3 and a Friday.. SHIT!! I fly over to an Piedmont Wellstreet urgent care facility as recommended by my friend (she started this process as well so I was crazy grateful for her experience and that she shared it with me). Urgent care was full but opened the next day, my ass was in that line at 7:32 am, I was the 13th person in line and they opened at 8. I get to the desk and my appointment is at 10:30 and I'd have to pay the office visit fee to be seen, it was $155. I came back at my allotted time and was told how much all of my labs would be.. $302. My labs were to be processed and faxed to my surgeon by 9/9 because Labor Day weekend so.. yeah.

I discuss accommodations with my Aunt and realize it’s cheaper, safer and more beneficial for me to go to a recovery house. I search high and low baby and most of them were booked.. found one regardless with lymphatic massages included called Flawless Recovery House. This wasn’t my 1st-6th option but the one with availability on my surgery date so I paid a deposit to hold onto my spot. Total was $1312 for 5 days with 5 massages, I paid a $200 deposit. Next, I booked my flight, round trip $116 with Delta. My surgery date is on a Monday, I have to have my pre-op done on the Saturday prior so I booked a hostel from the 18th-20th on booking.com for $66. I know I could have gotten an airbnb or hotel room but I wanted this experience. I want to go to Amsterdam and stay in a hostel so I need to know what to expect. Also I cannot party, smoke, drink or eat before surgery so fuck it.. a hostel will do, lol.

I smoke big fucking weed and watched someone else’s bbl journey today and realize if I fail the drug test, my surgery will be cancelled and it’ll cost me $1500 to reschedule. Boy the shit sent me into panic mode like I've never experienced before, only to find out the weed isn’t the issue nicotine is, it slows down your heart rate. I can smoke weed just not out of a wood or a rillo and nicotine takes 3-4 days to get out of your system so a bitch barely made it. I just won't be smoking until I get back home lol. Just to be super informative no alcohol, diabetic meds, cocaine, pcp or anything that will fool with your heart or makes your bleed. Today is 9/11 and im one week out from my pre-op... my body is a joke cause I haven’t gained a single pound and normally it’s nothing for me to put on weight. I took my acrylics off, when you’re put to sleep they monitor your oxygen levels with those clamps they put on your fingers and they aren't the most accurate when you have on dark polish or acrylics. I also cannot wear lashes cause when they go to fill this ass in I'll be laying flat on my face. I mean my hair didn’t have requirements but I figure since im naked I might as well be bald.. y'all should see me rn, I look very much like a young man but im hype. I’ll be back later to tell y'all what I pack and purchase prior to my flight. Imma put the dates at the end of each update.. today is 9/11/21

My surgery group send me list of supplies that I would need and the cost came to roughly $1100. Naive me was definitely going to purchase everything on the list from them until I saw Leslie’s (@prettyhaute - on ig) bbl vlog. I went on amazon and got away with murder. Below I’ll list what I purchased and the price I paid versus what the surgery center was quoting me.

Faja - I paid $74.69 - Quoted $160.50 || BBL Pillow - $26.99 - Qouted $42.80 || Arnica pills - $8.95 - Quoted $37.45 || Compression socks - $13.99 for 3 - Quoted $10.70 for 1 || Foams - $17.99 for 3 - Quoted $64.20 for 3 || Scar Cream $$29.82 - Quoted $80.25 || Arnica Gel - $7.92 - Quoted $21.40 ||

There a shit ton of items on the suggested list that I didn't purchase but way more items that wasn’t on the list I still need for instance:

Crocs, benadryll, robe, adult diapers, straws, earplugs, liquid iv, stool softener, antiseptic body wash, avocado float, back board, urinal, pineapple juice, throat calm, 3 moo-moo’s and a massage roller (the crocs are the only thing on this list that cost more than $20). My flight is at 7:15a tomorrow and im so damn nervous but excited. I will spend Saturday and Sunday gallivanting around Miami and then body , ody, ody, ody, ody, ody. I still have to send my entire itinerary to my aunt but I think im all set. 9/17/21

Pre-op was packed but I went on Saturday and was in and out in an hour. I was charged for a covid $80, 3 post-op massages $150 and a drug test $20. I went over my clearance paper work with a medical assistant who also took 9 before pics of me. Keep in mind, your surgery can be cancelled or reschedule if all of you labs aren’t at the surgery center on pre-op day. I cannot stress how important it is to take your labs with you!!! Mine were faxed over from urgent care but I was also provided copies which I took with me. The photos were sent directly to my surgeon to analyze before surgery. From my knowledge, I was also to be fitted for my faja but that never happened, do NOT leave pre-op without a faja!!! I paid for 3 massages from CG totaling $150 which I regret badly. I do NOT recommend getting massages from the surgery center. There are 4-5 different surgeons performing surgeries on any given day and they do at minimum 4 surgeries per day, that’s at least 15-20 different girls with the same surgery and post-op date. CG had 2 massage therapists to drain 15-20 girls. I was drained for 9 mins, your drain massages should last at least 45 mins for maximum drainage. I only used 1 of the 3 massages I paid for and was denied a refund. That is a huge downside to CG once they have your money good fucking luck getting it back! Ps. Ellie was a royal fucking cunt!!!!! She told my medical assistant that I didn’t need a faja so I was never fitted for one and woke up out of surgery with a binder on versus a faja like I should have. I wanted to slap the shit out of her and took the charge on the chin but I wanted my surgery so I refrained.. I was put on a 12 hour fast and contacted an hour after pre-op with my surgery address and time. My fast started at 7pm the day before surgery and my surgery time wa at 6:30a, there was a $300 for showing up to surgery late. All I could bring to surgery was compression socks and a faja (that I didn’t have), I was instructed to bathe with dial (the orange one) before surgery to make sure my incisions weren’t infected, no lotion, perfume, deodorant, makeup, nails, lashes, no jewelry/piercing or hair products and no personals ie, purse money, wallet also you will need a companion or surgery will be cancelled. I’ll upload all my paperwork at the end. Surgery day arrive at the surgery center at 6:15 am how about the entire fucking staff was late! Bitch I was outside in Miami alone with compression socks on and a moo moo, LIVID. No one arrived until 7:10 am, baby I wanted to kill everyone but fuck it, it was go time. I’m escorted to a room, changed into a paper gown, piss tested, my labs were reviewed again and finally my surgeon comes in! We were in the exam room alone which was weird cause I was asshole naked but he kept it 1000% professional, he asked me what I wanted and I say “the fattest ass” he looked me dead in my eyes without a single hesitation and said “it’ll heal like a diaper” LMAO. I showed him areas that I wanted lipo’d to death and he marked me up, I didn’t aka e picture of my mark ups but shit was rolling by then, he walked out I put my paper gown back on and the anesthesiologist walked in. I expressed my biggest concerns to him, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to wake up during surgery. He explain why the drug test was so important because certain street drugs will have adverse effect with the anesthesia. My anesthesiologist walked me up to the surgery room and I hopped on the table, they put massage boots on both of my feet and inserted an iv, the mask was put on my face and my heart rate went to heaven, I wanted to shit myself bro. The anesthesiologist told me to make a tight fist, I asked what time it was, 8:08am.. I woke up to a nurse helping me into a wheelchair with a binder around my waist and I was scream crying because my entire body ached, I didn't know where I was and the anesthesia is no hoe. I was escorted to my recovery house’s transportation van and taken to my damn bed.

I chose Flawlesss Recovery House with Ms. Opal. I paid a $200 deposit before 2 weeks before surgery and the balance the day I left. I opted for a 5 day stay. I loved it there bro and couldn’t imagine trying to recover at a hotel or air bnb! There were nurses there 24-7, I was roomed with one other girl but the house had a total of 4 bedrooms, one of which no one occupied and the door was always shut but my room was the only room with 2 beds, the others had 3 beds. I had a call button, it was love, the nurses came expeditiously when I rang it. They made 3 home cooked meals per day and I don’t eat meat, they accommodated me with no hesitation. I loved it man. So couple hours after surgery I attempted to use the bathroom on my own and blacked out, the anesthesia is really fucking strong and took an entire day to wear off (for me), the nurses helped me pee in a cup until then. Post op day 9/21/21, I went in to make sure I looked good, got a faja finally and received that lousy as drain. Back to the recovery house I was able to walk finally w/o passing out and in went my foams, I also could pee by myself with the use of a urinal. I was constipated for 2 days, first bowel movement was on post op day 2. I paid for an independent massage therapist named Tatiana, she used a ultrasound machine to massage me so I cancelled her. When I took my faja off for my massage it was washed and dried by the time I was done, I took a shower and put my faja on with my foams. I cancelled Tatiana because don’t let nobody use no machine on you until you are at least 2 weeks post op, hand massages only. All the girls were getting massaged by the literal best massage therapist (in my opinion) her name is Brittany, I could cry she was EVERYTHING, I was tender but she put the painful massage theory to bed! She taught me how to drain myself and how to open my incisions without the q-tip looking thing. In 45 mins she drained 5 of those doggy pad things worth of fluid off of me. I received 4 massages in 5 days. I left on Saturday 9/25/2021 on Sunday, back in Atlanta, I received my 5th massage and that when I was told I have not one but 2 seromas. I swear on everything I love it was because everyone wakes up from surgery with a faja on but not me (Fuck you Ellie, lil bitch) I had on a binder (its what they use for tummy tucks). The lady who did my 1st massage in Atlanta was Bri, not gone post her ig cause she did a damn good massage but when I asked her to syringe drain me the good sis stuck this long ass needle in my seroma but could get the fluid out, cancelled her too (the massage was good asf tho but nah). Tired and tried I bit the bullet and booked a packed with Dream Body ($455 for 5 massage, I think, don’t quote me look it up on there site and follow them on ig) because they are the biggest name in Atlanta, Jayda Wayda goes to them. The most painful massage yet, yes Michelle lil ass is so strong but she will get the fluid up off you. She made me tear up bad and no matter how much I screamed or even tried to push her off of me she understood the assignment, Michelle helped me get back into my faja after my massage and told me my faja was too big and to have it altered. She recommended a lady on ig @siri2sir but to know me is to know I altered my shit myself. Allow me to tell y'all, I look good asf!!!!!!! 10/4/2021

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bunny006 · 3 years ago

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Hello I’m Nicole & I’m a recovering iv heroin addict. I started at 18. My first time doing any pill I overdosed. I don’t even recall the high, or the kind of pill it was. Then I started taking suboxone & completely fell in love with the high it gave me. Music sounded better. I could just lay in bed and be in pure ecstasy from taking a lil pill. Well within this timeframe I also went to the doctor to convince them to prescribe me benzos. Living where I did, the doctors didn’t even really need any convincing, they’ll prescribe you anything. I would eat these klonopin like candy. I loved them so much and became so addicted to them. And at the time I didn’t even know what addiction was. But it was getting worse and worse. I started meeting the wrong people and doing wrong things. Ended up in a small apartment smoking crack and watching needles being used for the first time. The first time I did crack, felt like was on top of the world. Little did I know that first hit was gonna send me on a spiral towards Hell. So one day I didn’t have any more benzos. Someone asked me, “wanna feel something good?” And took me into a bathroom and shot me up. Not my first time doing heroin, but my first time using a needle. I ran away from home to live on the streets where it was easier and quicker to make money and cop drugs. The main one being crack, but heroin didn’t fall short behind. I had to use heroin or else I’d be sick, so I kept using and using day in and day out with no sleep. For days on end, nothing to eat. Sleeping in bandos and prostituting for money. Tricking. Catching a date. “Dating” & copping & getting high. All within a 8 block radius. Ive lost soooo much. So close to losing my life. I sent myself into precipitated withdrawal when I was detoxing & I did it at home. All I really remember is my dad asking me why I kept doing this to myself and my sister staying up with me all night and her having to get up the next morning to go to school. I feel so bad for what and who I have done wrong during my addiction. I can’t really do much but try & be a better person now. Don’t really understand how or why I’m alive today. How I even managed to pick up the pieces and move forward is nothing but God. I’m 24 now and have been clean since January 2019.

#my story

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strawberrysoup · 5 years ago

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Let’s Review || Chapter 11

Peter Parker knew that his big sister would do anything for him to be safe and happy. She’d given up everything for him twice over already and would do it again in a heartbeat. And that’s why, when the criminal mastermind Tony Stark started inextricably following him around, he didn’t say a word. Because he knew without a doubt Penny would do whatever she had to if it meant keeping Peter safe. He had to protect her, just like she always protected him. He never considered what would happen if Stark decided both Parker siblings were worth taking. Never considered who else in Stark’s inner circle would agree. He just wanted to protect her and yet somehow, they both ended up with needles in their necks.

relationship: Steve Rogers/Original Female Character/Bucky Barnes, background Peter Parker/Tony Stark rating: Explicit/18+ warnings: Dark Steve Rogers, Dark Bucky Barnes, Dark Tony Stark, Dark Avengers, kidnapping, non-con/dub-con elements, underage Peter Parker, emotional and psychological abuse, very dark

There was a weird sense of urgency and purpose when the soldiers appeared to collect her from the kitchens. They weren’t frantic per say, but she was definitely aware of a certain energy around them. As soon as Bucky walked through the doors, he made a beeline for her and swept her up into his arms. The pair were pretty touchy feely with her as a rule, but this was different for some reason.

Most of Penny’s irritation had dissolved with the excellent meal she’d received. Chef Cohen had prepared Shakshuka, a very traditional dish that she hadn’t eaten since her mother had died. She’d burst into tears at the first bite and thanked him profusely through the meal. He was a very kind man in his late 50’s who explained that he was at her disposal whenever she was hungry, literally at any time, and would make whatever she asked for. She didn’t even have to know what she wanted specifically, all she had to do was ask for food and he would whip something up in less than an hour.

She wasn’t sure if he understood her circumstances. He never let on that he had any idea what the situation was and she was too afraid to tell him and potentially put him in danger. He was so nice, had told her about his family— she couldn’t do anything to jeopardize him. And if he did know, she decided she’d rather him not tell her. He felt like he could be a friend if not a confidant and she couldn’t ruin that.

“Did you have a good breakfast precious?” Bucky’s voice was nearly a coo, burying her into his arms and nuzzling against the side of her face, “I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry we didn’t realize how hungry you were. We should’ve noticed, we should’ve taken better care of you.”

Penny didn’t get a chance to answer before Steve came up behind her, pressing against her back and wrapping around the both of them, “we’re gonna do a better job from now on, doll, I promise.”

“We’re gonna take you to see Bruce for a check up, okay?” the brunet pressed against her brushed his lips over her temple, “Peter said you haven’t been to the doctor in a while, he’s just going to make sure you’re alright. If there’s anything you want to talk to him about, we’ll step out of the room.”

For a moment, she considered not answering. She hated that they were making her do anything, that they were telling her what was going to happen instead of asking, but she hadn’t been to a doctor in nearly 10 years. In fact, her desire to go to the doctor was outweighing her irritation. The food had helped too.

“Yeah, okay,” she nodded in agreement, ignoring their mutual smiles as Bucky pulled back and wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her close before beginning to walk back towards the elevators.

It didn’t take long to get to the doctor’s office, which was actually a lab. In the back of her head she remembered Tony saying that Bruce was a scientist that Peter liked to learn from. It would’ve endeared the man to her, if he wasn’t so fucking complicit in her kidnapping. The same thing had happened with Clint; he seemed like such a decent guy, they could’ve been friends in any other situation, and yet he wasn’t doing anything to help her.

“Hey guys, come on in, I’m just finishing this up,” Bruce called from behind a computer, gesturing towards a table that almost resembled the chair from a doctor’s office.

Steve lifted her up, setting her on the edge and giving her what was—fuck that was winning smile. She refused to let her heart race, remembering back to once upon a time in the coffee shop when she’d thought he was incredibly attractive and so, so nice. It was almost distracting. He leaned down and brushed his nose against hers sweetly, pressing a kiss there a moment later before backing away.

“Alright Penny, I went ahead and pulled your medical records,” Penny didn’t want to know how he’d done that, what an invasion of privacy, “but we’re going to need to go through a lot of it now since you haven’t seen a doctor in so long and you’re a lot older now. If at any time you’re uncomfortable answering questions in front of Bucky and Steve, all you have to do is let me know and I’ll send them out, okay?”

“Okay,” nervousness was thrumming through her a bit more now- God she hadn’t been to the doctor in so long, she wasn't sure what to expect.

An arm came around her shoulders, a metal hand settling over the top of her arm. Bucky had saddled up as close to the table as possible, trying to offer comfort through his presence. She would absolutely never admit that she leaned into his heat a little, or that the attempt was even fractionally successful.

The appointment wasn't as nerve wracking as she'd expected; there were a lot of questions about her past medical history and family medical history, her habits regarding smoking and drinking and exercise, he looked in her eyes and ears and listened to her breathing, did she have any allergies or take any medications? It was a lot of things she remembered from going to the doctor as a kid.

There was only one time when her heart felt like it might burst out of her chest: Bruce mentioned wanting to do a blood test. It was important in part because she hadn't ever had one, but also because she was Jewish and there were dozens of diseases passed genetically through the population. She knew of them of course, Tay-sachs and Gauchers and a slew of other things, but she'd never considered she could have them— there was no time.

Luckily, he'd decided it wasn't a good time since she had barely been eating. Escape had been on her mind almost constantly since waking up in Stark's home but never so critically as when she thought there would be needles involved. Penny's fear of needles had started as a child and overtime had become an overwhelming, if irrational, phobia. The kidnapping via injection certainly made it worse too.

Bruce finished up, continuing to address her rather than Steve or Bucky. It seemed peculiar for some reason, that he was being sure to treat her like her own person instead of the soldiers' property.

"Have you ever had blood drawn Penny?"

"Uhm, no," she did her best not to shift, not wanting to show weakness, "I'm sure it's not really necessary. I feel completely fine and—"

"There are certain genetically linked diseases I can test for with a blood panel. The fact that you probably have anemia is a little worrying because of your heritage. Now we can’t do the test today, you haven’t been eating or drinking enough, but we’ll keep an eye on your recovery over the next few days and schedule one. That being said, I want to hook up an IV for a few hours, you’re very dehydrated.”

“No, thank you,” Penny stood up from the table, composing her face carefully and putting her hands on her hips, “I’d rather just drink water.”

“Penny I can tell you haven’t been getting enough hydration for days,” Bruce stated, ignoring the semi-panicked looks the soldiers sent each other, “Whatever your reasoning was, it’s hurting you. A drip will rehydrate you relatively quickly and you can get on with your day.”

“I’m not in any critical danger, drinking water will be enough,” usually she wouldn’t argue with a doctor but if he came near her with a needle she would throw down.

“Doll, it’s not an option.”

God, how many times had she heard that. It’s not an option. It’s not an option. Nothing was ever an option. She’d been kidnapped, was being held against her will— fuck, she refused to list their sins against her again.

"I'm an adult, I get to decide what medical procedures I do and don't consent to."

"Baby, did you hit your head again? I think we're a little past consent."

How many times would she have to physically fight these motherfuckers before they gave up.

"I hate needles," she snapped, glaring at Steve with as much rage as she could muster, "no blood draws, no IVs, no vaccines, nothing."

Bucky stepped closer to her side, an imploring look on his face, "your health is suffering right now sweetheart, if Bruce says you need an IV, you're going to get it. We're going to take of you, Penny."

They'd done a real stand up job of taking care of her in the last several days for sure. She'd only ended up drugged, concussed twice over, half starved, dangerously sleep deprived, and enraged. The skepticism must've shown on her face because Bucky visibly winced at the implication while Bruce had to turn and pretend to cough to cover his laughter.

"Sweetheart, I understand that it makes you uncomfortable," Steve somehow managed to manifest in front of her in the blink of an eye and she startled backwards a step.

The blond was freakishly fast and Penny was beginning to suspect that everyone calling him and Bucky 'super soldiers' weren't just mocking their demeanors. Steve had been strong enough to snap the lock on the bathroom door like twig, could bodily lift her with just one arm, and he moved a fraction of an inch too fast to be normal. Bucky was similar in the strength department, plus he had that arm. But instead of nearly vibrating with restrained power at all times, Bucky was almost preternaturally still. Even when she moved in the middle of the night and startled him awake, the only way she knew was because his eyes would open. He was so still sometimes she wondered if he even had to breathe, was his heart even beating?

The brunette's arms came to wrap gently around her shoulders from behind; the way he held her was more reminiscent of a loving cuddle than a restraint but it worked all the same. If they didn't want her to go anywhere, it was going to be very hard to run off. The doors to the lab swept open abruptly, as if beckoning her to escape, but no one came through. JARVIS, always looking out.

"I'll make your lives hell," she hissed through gritted teeth, eyes locked on the blond in front of her while Bucky backed them up and sat on the exam chair, tugging her into his lap, "if you come near me with a needle I'll shove it through your eye."

"Penny, be sweet," Bucky's tone was firm, his arms squeezing around her in what she assumed was supposed to be a comforting gesture, "it'll all be okay and you'll feel so much better after."

Penny's eyes were dragged away from Steve when she caught movement, zeroing in on Bruce. He was fiddling with something in crinkly plastic and her blood froze in her veins when she realized it was a sterilized needle. He was preparing an IV despite her protests and panic began coursing through her like poison.

"W-wait, wait I don't need an IV, I swear I feel fine, I'll drink a ton of water, don't do this—"

"It’s gonna be alright babydoll," Steve cooed, understanding that her anger in this case was 100% a result of sheer terror, "Buck's gonna hold you the whole time. Bruce will give you a shot to numb the pain and—"

"No, n-no, no, no please," Penny could barely move as Bucky locked his arms in place, holding her steady while Steve moved to block her view of Bruce, who was filling a syringe with lidocaine.

"Shhhh, just watch me, baby," the blond brought his hands up to cup her face, manipulating her head to face him dead on, "don't pay attention to Bruce, just keep your eyes on mine."

Tears of panic and fear began falling from her eyes, overwhelming terror beginning to consume her. There was no rationalizing the phobia, no talking herself through the fear, all she could think was I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. When she could hear the doctor's footsteps shift in their direction, she opened her mouth and started to scream bloody murder. Thrashing wasn't effective in the least but she did the best she could, jerking every inch of her body as violently as possible. She couldn't hear anything any of them were saying, she couldn't even hear her own screams; all she could hear was the blood rushing through her ears and the mantra, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die over and over again in her head.

"Dr. Banner, sir is currently on his way and asks that you wait to perform any procedures until he arrives."

Bucky tensed under her but Penny barely noticed. The edges of her vision were going dark and Steve wasn't so much holding her face in place anymore as trying to caress her cheeks and jaw. She could see the doors to the lab, still open as if waiting for her to run.

Instead, Stark came through them. There was a tightness to his usual swagger and she wondered if she was imagining the irritation in the lines of his face.

"You know I thought I had sound proofed all of the labs, but I can hear my poor girl screaming from three floors away," he commented casually as he swept in, easily pushing past Steve and stealing Penny from Bucky's lap, pulling her into the cage of his arms, "now this is over an IV, correct?"

"Please, please, please—" Penny's voice choked off in a sob as she tried to tug away and make a break for the door.

"Shhhh, angel, look at me," Tony carefully manipulated her head, making her look up at him through her panic, "you're going to drink plenty of water and relax all day, understand? You're going to eat plenty and drink so much water you have to pee every thirty minutes."

"N-no needles—"

"That's right baby, no needles," he pulled her into his chest and hushed her, stroking her hair gently while giving the three men behind her a careful look, "with supervision you'll be fine without an IV, but you have to be good, do everything you're told. Can you be a good girl for me, Penny?"

Steve and Bucky watched as their girl nodded against the man's shoulder, still crying. This wouldn't be strike two, not quite since she'd gotten so upset as a result of them trying to take care of her, but apprehension was setting in. Tony was their friend, but he wouldn't put their feelings before Penny's and that was a dangerous position to be in. Especially considering JARVIS had all but jumped ship on them and was firmly on Penny's side.

"Now, is there anything else Brucie Bear? Because I think Penny here is gonna come with me to the labs and watch Peter try to make a robot."

Somehow, despite the fact that they knew Penny hated Tony just as much if not more than she hated them, he was the one who managed to get through to her. Tony Stark was her mortal enemy, the kidnapper, the pedophile, and yet he was the one holding her while she cried in distress. Bucky and Steve watched on in amazement and disbelief.

There was something about Tony that was just a touch unnatural. The way he could manipulate people was almost beyond comprehension. It showed in his friendships, the way that people who were sent to kill him were so easily turned to his side. People who didn’t want anyone, who didn’t want friends, found themselves enfolded in his presence. It was also apparent in the way that Peter had almost accepted his new situation, how he was so quickly coming to terms with the way his life had changed. Tony Stark was, as far as anyone knew, not enhanced in any way, but some of his companions had started to wonder.

They watched as the older man spirited her away, talking loudly and keeping her tucked under his arm as they walked. Steve and Bucky were left in the dust, feeling dejected once again.

“Leave it to Tony to decide he has more medical authority than me,” Bruce gave a low snort, rolling his eyes, “does he have 7 PHDs? No, he doesn't.”

“We keep fuckin’ it up, don’t we?” Bucky groaned, watching the doctor step back towards his computer system, “We’re gonna end up dead. World War II and HYDRA couldn’t kill us but Tony fuckin’ Stark sure will.”

“Hard to compete with a Goddamn witch,” Steve muttered, running a hand through his hair before crossing his arms over his chest.

“You two need to be doing what Tony is with Peter,” Bruce interjected before the super soldiers could continue to lament their situation, “he panders to him just enough to keep him happy. He can give an inch and Peter thinks its a mile. You’re strategic geniuses, master interrogators, use your strengths.”

The ‘dumbasses’ was implied at the end of the statement. In all fairness, he was right.

Steve exhaled through his nose, a stabilizing breath, before turning to regard Bucky, “A garden, to start. She had a lot of things on her Pinterest account, we’re gonna look through there. JARVIS? Can you please make sure our kitchen is stocked with plenty of kosher foods?”

“And is there anyway we can get the extra room in the apartment turned into a garden? Maybe a rooftop garden?”

“Sir has given me full discretion to green light any construction projects that will aid in Ms. Parker’s adjustment. A section of the roof can easily be cleared for a garden and greenhouse. The east facing wall of the spare room can be replaced with floor to ceiling windows and UV lights can be installed. Might I also suggest a knitting area?”

"Yeah, that," Bucky nodded, "any other suggestions JARV?"

"On her Pinterest Ms. Parker has shown interest in softball, soccer, crocheting, yoga and video games."

"Can you have everything she needs for those things sent for and brought to the apartment? And have everything set up as much as possible considering the renovations that'll be made for the garden room?"

"Yes sergeant, although I would suggest making room in your personal gym for Ms. Parker do to yoga."

“Good idea JARVIS,” Bucky felt a bit of relief that the AI was willing to help, even if it was only because it would help Penny in the long run, “I know we talked about keeping her secluded but I think we should show her the game room, introduce her to Thor and Sam so she can play video games with them.”

Steve looked hesitant. The brunet knew why; they’d waited what felt like so long to find a girl who appealed to both of them. They were possessive by nature and having so little over time, growing up in the Great Depression followed by fighting in the war, only to suffer a hellish betrayal and go into the ice for so long, meant they were covetous. Sharing their girl so soon was uncomfortable and just the idea made both of them chafe.

“Yeah, we should,” he choked after a moment, clearing his throat.

“We’re gonna build a life, Stevie,” Bucky said quietly, stepping closer to the man and putting his hands on his shoulders, “we’re going to work this out with our girl and eventually, she’ll want to be with us as much as she can. But until we get to that point we have to make some concessions.”

“But she’ll still sleep in our bed.”

“Yes Stevie, she’ll still sleep in our bed.”

#steve rogers x oc x bucky barnes #steve rogers x oc #bucky barnes x oc #dark!steve rogers #dark!bucky barnes #dark!tony stark #dark!mcu #let's review #let's review chapter 11

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p-artsypants · 5 years ago

Text

Longest Night (36) Visiting

Ao3 | FF.net

Waking up was slowly becoming Adrien’s least favorite activity. Of course, that was shortly followed by falling back to sleep. He was in a state of barely wakefulness, while also being too tired to sleep. His mouth was dried out and scratchy, and the tingling sensation of numbness had settled into his limbs.

Breathing was still difficult. He knew that the tube in his throat was supposed to be helping with that, but it just sucked. It all sucked. Everything hurt, and he felt disgusting, and his nose itched.

Was this his existence from now on? He didn’t know if he could bare it.

The doctor was standing in front of him. “Hi Adrien, how are you feeling today?”

How was he supposed to answer that? With a moan? A smile?

“Wink once for yes, and twice for no.”

Wink.

“Excellent. Now I know you’re uncomfortable, but we need to wake you up for a little bit. In about an hour, we’ll sedate you again.”

Oh so he wasn’t even sleeping on his own? Damn.

“Are you warm enough?”

Wink.

“Are you thirsty?”

Wink.

“Yeah, I’m sure your mouth is dry too. But you can’t take any fluids by mouth right now. You have a feeding tube in your mouth, and a nasotracheal tube in your nose so you can breathe. Then we have an IV for fluids. Because you’re thirsty, that’s a sign that I can up your fluid intake.”

Adrien closed his eyes, emotion building behind his eyelids.

He didn’t want this.

“We’re going to get some food in you too, while you’re awake. It might feel a little awkward because you won’t be swallowing on your own, but you have to eat.”

It not like Adrien could protest.

So food was forced down the tube in his throat by a pump. It wasn’t a lot, but it helped to ease the pain in his stomach.

“There’s someone who’s been dying to see you. Well, he’s been here for a while, but he wants you to see him,” Said the doctor. “Are you up for a guest?”

No. He wasn’t. He didn’t want anyone to see him.

Unless it was Marinette. In which case, yes.

Wink.

Instead, a black blur floated in front of his face. “Hey kid,” Plagg greeted, with a soft voice full of affection.

Looking into Plagg’s infinite green eyes, Adrien felt a hurricane of emotions. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, grief, and failure. Of sorrow and anger, confusion and hatred.

It was awful and unfair. Plagg hadn’t done anything wrong, and Adrien knew that in his head.

But trauma messes with the brain.

Adrien clenched his eyes shut, as tears leaked out.

“I missed you,” Plagg said, nuzzling against his cheek.

Where were you?! Adrien screamed in his head, I needed you!

“You’re so brave, Adrien.”

But Adrien didn’t want to hear it. He was so lost in his hurt, he couldn’t bare it. He swatted Plagg away, feebly.

The Kwami sunk to the mattress, staring at his charge. This was not the tearful reunion he expected. “Adrien?” He whispered.

The boy kept his eyes shut as tears continued to slip out.

The doctor carefully wiped his face. “Alright, that’s enough for today.” He urged.

Plagg disappeared, hiding somewhere out of sight, and that was just fine with Adrien.

“That wasn’t very nice, Adrien.” Gabriel scolded.

Ugh. He wanted to talk to his father even less. Especially right now. Why was he even here? Wasn’t he profoundly disappointed in him already? Was he a glutton for punishment?

“Plagg has been here all along. He’s been worried sick. I’ve been worried sick.”

Yeah right.

Adrien rolled his eyes and turned his face towards his pillow. This was unfair, having to listen to this, not being allowed to leave. Not being able to defend himself.

“Mr. Agreste,” the doctor interrupted. “Adrien’s heart rate is accelerating. We’re trying to keep him calm. Perhaps now is not the time for a lecture.”

“Of course. I’m sure he’s just confused.”

Confused? No, he was perfectly aware of what was going on. He was in a hospital, bound to a bed, and being prepared to fit right back into the peg he didn’t fit anymore. He could see it unfolding around him.

And it was maddening.

“I can see you’re feeling tired. Ready to go back to sleep?”

Please. Please for the love of God.

Wink.

“Alright. Just try to relax and take a deep breath, counting down from ten.

1…

2…

3…

Well it didn’t work, because here he was awake again.

“Good morning Adrien, how are you today?”

Again, he couldn’t talk. Hadn’t they just had this conversation? Perhaps not, considering the doctor had been wearing a blue shirt yesterday, and today he was wearing a red one.

Had he slept that hard?

“Are you cold?”

Wink wink.

“Are you hot?”

Now that he thought about it, he was stifling under these blankets.

Wink.

The doctor rolled back the top layer.

Again, he was force fed some unidentifiable substance through a feeding tube, and he was asked a dozen yes or no questions.

“I have some more visitors for you. If you’re up for it.”

Why not? It’s not like he was really given a choice.

But when Tom Dupain came into view, with a warm and tender smile on his lips, Adrien relaxed.

“Hey kiddo, look at you! You’ve got some color in your cheeks!” He said softly, brushing his thumb over his forehead.

That felt nice.

Sabine was up further by his head. “We’ve been with Marinette most of the time, but when the doctor said you were going to wake up for a little bit, we just had to come say hi!” She was lightly scratching his scalp.

That felt really nice.

Now these were parents. Always a warm welcome, full of hugs, ready to stuff him full of carbs. Whenever he had come over to Marinette’s house, they had both asked about his day, his well-being. It was everything he craved in his own father.

They were a comfort. The comfort of having a mom and dad around when you didn’t feel well. Though they couldn’t necessarily make the pain go away, the kiss on the head was soothing.

“Marinette’s sitting up now and eating on her own.” Sabine said, as she squeezed his hand. “Isn’t that just wonderful? She still sleeps most of the time, but that’s really good.”

It hurt to hear about his lady. Hurt to hear and not see.

“She came to see you a few days ago,” said Tom. “When you were severely unstable instead of mostly unstable.” He joked. “She really misses you.”

And he missed her. Even though they were mostly separated in the catacombs, she was still with him in experience. The fear for her safety, wondering if she was safe, it kept her close when he couldn’t be with her. Her voice from the adjacent cell, her hand in his...

What a horrible thing to bond over.

“She’d come see you every day if she could.” Tom insisted, “but the doctors want you both to stay as calm as possible. Especially you. But it won’t be long until we move you into the same room.”

Sabine swept the bangs from his forehead. “And Marinette is really looking forward to spending the Christmas season with you. Hot cocoa, cookies, evenings in front of the fire and watching the snow fall...”

All things he had seen in movies, but nothing he had emotional attachment to. Maybe having them around for the season would make things more bearable, but he doubted Sabine had any idea how unmotivated the holiday made him.

“You’re so strong.” Sabine whispered, before kissing his forehead. “You’re fading fast, but just know that we’ll be checking in on you when we can.”

Adrien felt a tear run down his cheek.

What did he do to deserve such love? Did they just love Marinette so much that it overflowed onto the people she loved? Was that what a parent’s love was like? Or what it should be like?

With one last squeeze to his hand, they left. Their departure was foggy, as the drugs started to kick in again.

“Just sleep Adrien, you’re doing so well,” praised the doctor.

1…

2…

3…

And then he was awake again. And the process repeated himself. Hot? Wink wink. Cold? Wink. Blankets. Food.

Guest?

Wink.

This time, it was someone he was unfamiliar with. A woman with short gray hair, stout, Coke-bottle glasses.

“Well hello there, Adrien. Adrien Agreste, the one and only! How’re you feeling sweetie?”

Oh, so this was a fan then? Or perhaps another nurse?

“My name is Dr. Robin Zollar, I’m a board certified clinical psychologist, and I specialize in the treatment of physical and emotional trauma in youth. I’m going to be working with you and Marinette going forward.”

Her voice sounded so familiar to him. Who did she remind him of?

“I know it’s kind of a kick in the pants not being able to talk things out right now, but I just came to introduce myself and let you know I’m here for you.”

It was a cartoon character, for sure. An older woman in a cartoon...

“I’ll be keeping an eye on your recovery, and when you can talk, I’ll be right here to listen. And if you don’t want to talk about it right away, you don’t have to. I won’t judge, I’m just here to help.”

Ah yes. The fairy godmother from Cinderella. An odd connection, but it felt accurate.

“What you’ve both been through is extremely traumatic, and it’s one that no one else can sympathize with. From here on out, you’re going to have to learn what your new normal is. Don’t expect to get right back to where you were. You need to be patient with yourself and know your limits. Most of all, I want you to talk out what you’re feeling. Don’t bottle stuff up, though it might be easy to do so.”

What, no bippity boppity boo?

“You have a great support network here. It’ll be really easy to shut everyone out, but I recommend against that.”

A strong support network? Where was that network the rest of his life? When his mother died? Through all those years of grieving and neglect? When he asked for therapy?

Where was the comfort then? He had asked for help. And he had been told he didn’t need it. It took the trauma to be public to get help.

And that was bullshit.

“Is that something you’re interested in? Wink once for yes, twice for no.”

Wink wink.

The woman nodded. “Okay. Well, if you change your mind, your father will get in touch with me.”

Yeah right. If he changed his mind, his father will ridicule him for it. ‘Why didn’t you take it before?’ He’d ask, ‘it’s been long enough now. You don’t need it anymore.’

But it’s not like it would help anyway.

The psychologist bid him farewell while he was lost in his thoughts, and soon he was put back to sleep again.

The next morning, while felt like a minute later, Adrien blinked his eyes open, seeing Doctor Boucher nearby.

But there was someone else too. A warm, familiar face that he hadn’t expected to see.

Nino.

Nino was smiling at him. Just a patient, friendly smile.

Adrien hated it. And he hated that he didn’t know why.

Nino rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing a thumb back and forth over his collarbone. He comforted him while he was fed, and all his vitals were checked. Then the doctor backed off.

“Hey bro, you look like death.” He said it with a laugh, trying to make a joke. To loosen him up as always. To bring laughter and happiness to his dull, gray, lonely life.

“I mean, you look better than when you were brought here. Got a little color in your cheeks. Well, your face in general, I can’t really see your cheeks.”

Right.

“Chloe really wanted to come, but your dad was afraid she would jump on you in her excitement.”

That was probably true. He didn’t really want to face Chloe right now anyway.

Nino swallowed thickly, and when he spoke, his voice was filled with emotion. “I really missed you, Adrien. You’re my best friend, my brother…the best person I know.” He sniffed. “I want you to be happy, you know? I want…to help you. And I’ll do anything for you. You know that, right?”

There was a tickle on the back on his head. A memory locked away that was demanding to be recalled. A moment on a rooftop, standing in the drizzling rain. Nino on the ground, terrified, staring up at him with nothing but fear.

“Hey, hey dude…come on man…you didn’t know.”

Shame. That’s what he felt. He had hurt his best friend, though he couldn’t remember the specifics. But why wouldn’t be feel shame? The whole world saw him naked, crawling on the ground, wallowing in his filth and crying crying crying…

Wasn’t Nino embarrassed by him? Wasn’t he disgusted? Everyone else was.

He had to be faking it. Cutting him off like he wanted to would make him feel too guilty. That had to be it.

Who would want to be friends with him?

Nino kept talking, but Adrien didn’t want to hear anymore. So he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

Eventually he left, by suggestion of the doctor, and the room went quiet.

Every once in a while, he’d hear the flip of a piece of paper, and the beep of a machine. Cracking one eye open, he saw his father reading a magazine. The lights were dimmed, and they were alone.

The doctor hadn’t put him back under for sedation.

Which meant he could finally rest without the jarring sensation of the scene changing every hour, but it also meant he had to fall asleep on his own. It also meant he had time to think. And only think.

His pain was low, but with each passing minute, it was starting to rise again.

It would be really nice to lay on his other side. Ugh, but he was too weak to even try.

God his throat was dry.

His father flipped another page. Why wouldn’t he just go home? Why was he here? Pretending to care?

A throat cleared, but it wasn’t Gabriel’s.

Adrien raised his eyes to the door, where a figure in black leather stood.

Adrien’s throat was already dry, and he almost gagged on his feeding tube.

“Relax, it’s just me.” Said the figure, becoming more visible.

Chat Noir had come to visit him.

Wait.

He rubbed his thumb over his ring finger, not feeling his Miraculous.

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m a hallucination born of a lot of pain meds and trauma. I don’t think the doc ever had a time to explain that to you.”

So he was crazy now?

“No, you’re not crazy. My visits will fade with time. But you have to talk somehow.”

To who? Himself?

“Yeah. Better than no one. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why Chat? Why not regular Adrien? It’s because you don’t want to be Adrien right now.”

True.

“But Chat’s always been your creative outlet. Your source of bravery, your fun side. Maybe you’ll listen to me better.”

Listen to him? What did he have to listen to?

“Your attitude stinks,” Chat said fiercely. “How dare you. You should be glad they can’t see your facial expressions. Nino was so worried about you, and you tuned him out! Tom and Sabine? They took time away from their own daughter, who’s hurt just as bad as you are, to come see you and to love on you, and you doubted them! Your own father, who has never showed an ounce of care for you in years, is here, right here!” He gestured to the man who was oblivious to the exchange. “He’s left his house, he appeared in public, and he looks like a hobo! Because of you! I know this isn’t going to undo all those years of hurt, but you have to acknowledge him. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you if you don’t.”

And when he wasn’t dying in a hospital? When Gabriel decides everything is fine now, and turns back into a robot?

“Then that’s his problem. Then you can say ‘screw it’ and be with Marinette.” He took a few steps closer and loomed over him, threateningly. Though he was a hallucination, Adrien feared he might actually get hurt.

“More than anything, you need to apologize to Plagg.”

Plagg abandoned him. No matter how many times he called for him, he never came. Not in the darkest places, in the longest nights…

“He was asleep in the ring! You can’t blame him for that! Don’t you know how much he loves you? He’s been with you every moment since you got the ring. He’s your constant companion, and he knows how to make you feel better. Why would you push him away?”

He promised never to leave Adrien alone ever again.

“That wasn’t his fault. You know that. I’m right here, telling you. And I am you. That part of you that Salo tried so damn hard to stamp out. That part of you that loves unconditionally, that gives second chances to those that don’t deserve it. The part of you that made you worthy of the Miraculous.”

Well, Adrien was tired of that part of him. It only lead to trouble.

“Deny me all you want, but I’m the foundation to your very being. I’m not going anywhere. This is who you are, Adrien. Accept it, or spend the rest of your life in denial and misery.”

“Adrien?” The small, timid voice of Plagg spoke up. “Are you still awake?”

The kwami floated into his vision, his limbs limp, his ears drooped, and eyes downcast. “Listen…I know…I know you feel like…” He sighed, unable to find the words. Adrien knew he was always bad with feelings. “I love you, Adrien,” he said finally. “You’re my favorite holder I’ve ever had. I would never, ever intentionally abandon you. When Salo took off the ring…I felt ripped away from you. I felt it. It was the worst feeling ever. Then I was alone in the ring, waiting. I didn’t know if you were killed or—“ Fat tears fell from his eyes as he struggled to continue. “And then I woke up, and I found you…and you were in surgery and there was all that blood—“ he dissolved into quiet sobbing.

Maybe Chat Noir had a point. Maybe everyone was right. Even if the only person, or kwami, gunning for him was Plagg, he would be unstoppable.

It took great effort, but Adrien raised his hand and wrapped his fingers around Plagg’s small body, stroking his head with his thumb.

“Are…are you still mad at me? Wink once for yes, and twice for no.”

Wink wink.

#longest night #ml #miraculous ladybug #fanfiction #adrien agreste #chat noir

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mrs-mikko-rantanen · 4 years ago

Text

Crash

Ok, this got really out of hand (2767 words....). I'll try to get the read more added to it here soon. This is a re-write, couldn't find the original post, sorry. But! Caretaker!Nyar, whumpee!Avanda so fun stuff. Tw: car crash mention, hospitals

Nyar shook, feeling nauseous as the nurse led him out to the waiting room. His left hand wrapped in a cast, he'd been given pain medications, and his mind was foggy. Weather that was from the medication, or the concussion, or the shock, he really wasn't sure.

"My friend...the one that came in with me, where-where is she?" He asked as he sank into the chair.

"She'll still be in surgery. You can wait here if you'd like. I'm sure…."

Nyar didn't hear the rest of what she said. He replayed the crash in his head, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. What he had done, what he should have done better, what he was supposed to have done to save her.

And now Avanda was in surgery. And he had no clue what was going on. His hand shook as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He knew Avanda had been the one who was supposed to pick up Ewan's little brothers, he had to get ahold of someone to take care of that and sort it out.

He typed Ewan's name into his phone's contacts. Nothing.

He tried Adair. Still nothing.

Castor. Nothing.

MacClyde.

Adonis.

No contacts pulled up for any of them, and he frowned. So he called the only person who's name he could think of. The one person he wanted to talk to the most.

"Hey, I was starting to worry." Jace's voice was full of concern, thinly veiled by the relife that was seeping through the phone's speaker.

"Hey um. I'm...not gonna make rehearsal today."

"Yeah, no I got that. What's up?" Jace Still sounded worried.

"I um. We uh. We were. Um."

"Ny? Are you alright?"

Nyar's voice shook as he spoke again. "We um. We were in a car accident."

"Oh my God, Nyar are you ok?"

"Uh, yeah I think so? I mean I just...I broke my wrist and a few ribs and have a bit of a concussion. But um. Av…" He choked on a sob. "Av was-she took most of it, and they took her into surgery and- I don't know who her doctor is, I don't think MacClyde is working today, I don't know if she's ok…"

"Nyar, babe, it's ok. It's going to be ok. Just take a deep breath for me alright?"

Nyar nodded and took a shaky breath in.

"Ok. What can I do for you? Do you want me to come to the hospital? Do you need me to call the crew?"

"Um. I-I think you should call Adonis. Av was supposed to pick the kids up. I-I don't have his number. Or either of the MacClyde's."

"Ok. Ok, yeah. I'll call Cas and we'll get the boys and then we'll come to the hospital, ok?"

"Ok."

"Ok. Hang in there, Big Guy. We'll be there as soon as we can be."

"Thank you."

"I love you, babe."

"I love you too. Drive safe."

He sighed as he hung up the phone. He was terrified. He had no idea what to do. He screwed his eyes shut, trying not to think about the sound of the screeching tires.

“Mr. Frostbane?” He leapt to his feet when the doctor called his name.

“Yeah, how is she?”

The doctor nodded at him a little. “She’s doing better. She's a little worse for wear, but that chest wound was really the worst of it. That being said, good job leaving the shrapnel in, it would have bled more if you’d taken it out.”

Nyar picked at his cast. “Yeah...uh, well that-that was really Avanda’s doing. She’s the medic.”

“Well, regardless, she has you to thank. The bleeding has stopped now, we got her all stitched up. She’s got a pretty bad concussion, two broken ribs and a broken wrist, among a few other things that we can go into more detail with later. It will be at least a few days before we can let her go home, maybe a week. Have you called her family?”

Nyar shifted, "I'll um...I'll try to get ahold of them, they don't live in town, they'll have to get a flight. And her boyfriend…” Nyar trailed off. Ewan was on a mission with Thane. They were both pretty deep undercover for now, and he had no idea how, or if the base would be able to contact them. “He’ll be here as soon as he can.”

The doctor nodded. “Good. In the meantime, do you want to go see her? She’s going to be very sleepy, and pretty out of it, but you’re welcome to go see her.”

Nyar nodded, “Yeah, um, yes please.”

He followed a nurse down the hall to the room Avanda was in. There was another nurse in the room, hooking her up to machines and checking the IVs. Avanda was asleep, as far as he could tell. The nurse that had led him in showed him the chair, but he didn’t sit. He couldn’t. She looked so small, and so broken.

He was hit by a wave of guilt. He was her captain. He was supposed to protect her, keep her safe, make sure that this didn’t happen.

“Don’t blame yourself, Sugar.” The nurse said, looking up from her work at Avanda’s wrist. “I’ve seen that look a lot, and I can promise you that this wasn’t your fault.”

Nyar opened his mouth, but no words came out. He closed it and nodded instead. He reached out slowly, gently pushing a strand of hair out of Avanda’s face.

“She’s going to be ok, right?” He asked finally.

The nurse looked up, “Sugar, I’m honestly more worried about you. She’s gonna be just fine. You need to have a seat.” When Nyar shook his head, she gave him a stern look over the rim of her glasses that brooked no argument. He pulled the chair up to the edge of the bed and had a seat. She nodded and looked back to her work before finally finishing up, patting Nyar on the shoulder and leaving, with a promise to be back to check on them in a few minutes.

Nyar propped his elbows on his knees, and his chin in his hands. He was torn, he knew that Avanda needed to rest, that she had been through a lot, and that waking her up would do no good. On the other hand, he really wanted her to wake up and tell him what to do.

He finally leaned back in his chair, groaning and running his hands through his hair. “God, Av, there’s a reason this is your job and not mine.”

He jumped when Avanda coughed. “Oww.” She groaned.

Nyar shot upright again and grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Av? Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Cold.” She grunted. Her hand reached up to the breathing tube and her fingers started to tug at her nose.

“Hey, you gotta leave that there.” Nyar reached up and gently moved her hand away.

“Hate cannulas.” She grumbled.

“I know, but it’s helping.”

“Bullshit.”

Nyar laughed a little. “Other than cold, how are you feeling?”

“Hungry.”

“The nurse said it’s gonna be a while until you can eat, they need to wait for you to wake up some more.”

“So? I’m a doctor, I outrank her.”

“You can’t pull rank here, Av.”

“Sure I can. I’m a doctor.”

Nyar shook his head and smiled. “Did the doctors or anybody tell you what’s...uh, what … what happened?”

She squinted and shifted, her hand gently probing her abdomen and muttering a little. “Broken ri-two broken ribs, at least, hell of a headache, so I’m guessing at least a bit of a concussion. Plus I heard a decent bit of talk about aortas, so I’m thinking at least a knick from that stupid hunk of glass?”

Nyar nodded, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Hey,” She threw a lopsided grin at him and drew out the last letter, “All drugged up and still whippin’ out diagnoses like a pro.”

Nyar nodded and squeezed her hand again. “That’s my girl.”

She hummed a little and her eyes closed again. Nyar figured she was going to drift off to sleep so he leaned back in the chair, ready to drift off himself. His eyes were just sliding shut when Avanda jolted and gasped, a strangled cry escaping her lips.

“What? What’s the matter?”

“Ewan, where’s Ewan? Is he ok, he was on that mission! If he heard about this he’s gonna worry, and then he’ll do something stupid, he wont be focusing, have you heard from him?” Her eyes were wild and darting around the room, and she was straining to get out of the bed.

“Whoa, hey. Easy there, Doc. Ewan is fine. He’s with Thane, they’ll watch each other’s backs.” Nyar gently pushed her back to the pillow. “They’re the best soldiers we have, they’ll be alright.”

“But,...you haven’t heard from them?” Avanda’s lip quivered a little and her eyes were pleading.

Nyar hated himself, but he decided that maybe lying would be best here. “Yeah. I’ve heard from them. Ferret went to get them, they’re both ok.” He reached up and placed a hand on the side of her face, praying that she was on enough drugs that she wouldn’t be able to keep track of time.

Avanda sighed, and her body relaxed, “Ok. Thank you, Nyar.”

Nyar smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you.”

Avanda looked around the room, her eyes landing on the beeping monitors next to her. “What’s that one say?” She pointed to one of the screens, squinting, “In the lower left corner, what’s it say?”

“Um, I’m not real sure.” Nyar squinted, “It’s some numbers--”

“What are they?” She tried to sit back up.

“Hey, Avanda, you aren’t the doctor here, remember? You’re the patient. You need to relax, ok?” Nyar pushed her back again.

“Where’s Ewan?”

Nyar checked his phone, and his stomach dropped. Still no word from Jace.

“He’s on his way.”

“Did he say anything about the boys?”

Finally, a question he could answer. “Castor is going to pick them up from school, then bring them right here.”

“Ok.” Avanda fidgeted her fingers, toying with one of the IVs.

Nyar took her hand again and pulled it away from the IV. “You need to rest.”

“I know.”

“I’m serious.”

Avanda pulled her eyes away from the screens for a minute, a confused look on her face.

“You need to let it go. You aren’t the doctor. There are nurses and doctors here who are working hard to make sure you recover. You aren’t responsible for Peadar and Carrick right now. Castor has been taking care of them their whole lives, he can do it again today. You weren’t assigned to that mission, Ewan and Thane are ok.” Avanda blinked and Nyar saw a few tears welling up, so he moved his chair a little closer to the bed. “And you aren’t alone, right? I’m here. You don’t need to worry about anything, because I’m right here, and I won’t let anything happen to you, ok?”

Avanda sniffed.

“You’re safe.”

Avanda didn’t say anything. She just looked away from him and back at the screens and monitors.

“I promise.”

“Thank you.” Her accent was thicker than he had heard it in a long time.

“You can rest now.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s ok. That’s my job.”

“Thank you.” Her eyes were shut now, and the grip in her hand was starting to relax. “Thank you.” Her breathing was slowing down, and becoming more even. “Thank you, Ny…”

Nyar squeezed her hand. “It’s gonna be ok.”

He wasn’t sure if he was saying it more for her benefit, or his. He stayed in the room for a while longer, dosing a little next to her bed while she slipped back under. His phone buzzed and he jumped.

We're here. Out in the waiting room. Cas just got us checked in.

Nyar squeezed Avanda's hand a little. "It's ok, Av. The troops are rallying." He teased.

He made his way down the hall again to the waiting room. Jace was standing behind Carrick, eir hands on his shoulders and his backpack slung over one shoulder. The thirteen year old's eyes were red and he was staring at the floor. The scowl plastered on his face told Nyar that he was still trying not to cry. Peadar was wrapped around Castor's leg, sniffling and hiccuping as he wiped his eyes.

"Hey." Nyar's voice was raw still as he stepped closer to them.

"How is she?" Castor demanded.

"The doctor said she'll be ok. I can't get a call to her parents though, I have no idea where else to try calling."

Castor nodded. "Ok. That's fine, I can call them. She's ok though?"

Nyar chewed his lip a little, shooting a glance at Peadar. "She's….she's ok. She's sleeping now. Or, well, she was When I left the room, anyw-"

"You left her alone?" Castor practically bellowed.

Nyar frowned, feeling his cheeks flush as he opened his mouth to snap back.

"Hey! He was in the crash too, Cas." Jace reminded Castor. "Besides, we did text him and tell him to come out here to meet us."

Castor's shoulders dropped a little and he let out a pent up breath. "Yeah, yeah you're right. Sorry, Frostbane. I'll go sit with her a while. What room is she in?"

"297." Nyar said. He watched as Castor patted Peadar's shoulder and began to lead the young boy to the door. "Castor, wait."

Castor scowled at him angrily for a moment. "I just...I'm not sure she'd want the kids to see her like this." He leaned in a little as he spoke, keeping his voice as low as he could. "She's in pretty rough shape, I just...I think maybe it would be better if you went and saw her first, then you can decide for yourself after."

Castor glanced down at Peadar quickly, then nodded. "Yeah ok. Carrick, here. Go see if you guys can find something to play with, ok?"

The thirteen year old scowled and took Peadar's hand, pulling him away from Castor.

Castor nodded a little,then shot a look to Nyar. "Thank you. I'll try not to leave you with them for long."

Jace sat down next to Nyar, watching Carrick and Peadar pick through the small toy box, halfheartedly looking for something to keep them busy. Ey frowned, looking at Nyar.

"Are you ok?"

"...No." Nyar answered. "I should have paid better attention, I should have seen the car, I should-"

"Ny. She's gonna be ok." Jace promised. "The doctor said so, right?"

"I guess." His voice was raw.

He didn't say much else after that. Carrick and Peadar both came up at some point, asking some little question or other, which Jace thankfully took care of for him. Castor finally came back, waving the boys back with him. As soon as the door closed, Jace reached over and took Nyar's hand.

"Hey." Ey said softly, squeezing his hand. "It's ok."

Nyar opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Jace wrapped eir arm around his shoulders, tracing a thumb over his cheek from the side. He sniffed a little and wiped his eyes.

"What if it isn't?'' He asked quietly.

Jace let out a soft sound and leaned eir head against him. "It will be. She's in good hands. And you were there for her too. You got her here, you did a good job keeping her alive."

"I just did what she told me to do."

"You stayed calm. You followed instructions and you did what needed to get done. That's hard to do, especially in the situation you were in."

Nyar said nothing. Jace sighed and leaned against him. Ey pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, then leaned away, aware that the rest of the crew would be arriving at any moment. Ey kept holding Nyar's hand, tracing a thumb over his knuckles.

Nyar squeezed Jace's hand as he leaned back as well, resting his head on the wall behind him.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Jace squeezed his hand as well. "And I'm really glad you're ok. I can't tell you how scared I was when you said what happened."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Ey pressed a kiss against his fingers. "I'm just so glad you're safe."

"Me too."

He just hoped they'd be able to say the same about Avanda.

#whump wednesday #tw hospital #tw car accident #avanda insp #nyar insp #worry #hurt/comfort #castor #jace #ask to tag #caretaker!nyar #whumpee!avanda

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thefatedthoughtofyou · 5 years ago

Text

Bright Smiles And Tired Eyes ~ Part 5

(Yeah! part 5! not the “the end” but fucking “part 5″... cuz this fucker STILL isn’t done. hahahah! i tried. but there will be more, because there needs to be. i don’t know how soon, because i am pooped and my interests are running in like 3 different directions at the moment but I’M GONNA TRY MY BEST DARLINGS!!! enjoy!!! thanks for reading! as always!!!! <<<333)

Ao3 - Chapter 5

Summary: Modern Au, Punk!Jaskier, Creature!Jaskier. Geralt needs a new roommate to help him pay rent. Jaskier answers his ad. Through a handful of circumstances and series of events… there’s bed sharing. And some angst. …And so much more.

Word Count: 3501

Warnings: descriptions of gore and death and dead bodies

Jaskier is unconscious for four days. They’d taken him to the hospital. Yennefer had been unsure of the extent of his injuries and hadn’t wanted to cause any more harm by a healing spell going awry. So they’d taken him to the only hospital they could, one that not only treated humans but supernatural creatures and non-humans as well. An old friend of Yennefer’s, Triss, met them at the door. Jaskier had been groaning in Geralt’s arms, no longer able to hold himself up. Triss had moved her hand slowly over him, her eyes closed, brow creased with focus, assessing the damaging. He’d moaned when her hand moved over his ribs, curling into Geralt’s chest, trying to escape the pain. She’d opened her eyes, moved her hand to settle over his eyes, and put him to sleep.

He’d been in bed for four days, not moving, just sleeping and healing. Geralt had requested a room with a view for him, on the chance that he’d woken up early, or while one of them wasn’t there. They’d been taking turns watching over him, taking it in shifts. Renfri had made them. Geralt had had every intention of staying with him until he woke up. No matter how long it took. But Renfri had refused to let him stay longer than eight hours. She’d come into the room, with food for Geralt, from his favorite place, and had kicked him out. Geralt had fussed but Renfri had threatened to send Yennefer after him, so he’d gone home and tried to rest.

He’d cleaned their apartment. The message on the wall had taken some magic-ing but he’d gotten it all off. He’d cleaned up Jaskier’s room as well. But no amount of magic would help him replace his instruments, he’d tried. There was something about them that wouldn’t allow his magic to touch them. He supposed that maybe Jaskier had done something to them, had them charmed somehow. He made a mental note to ask him about it. He took the broken pieces out of Jaskier’s room and stashed them in his own room, in case Jaskier had a way to fix them. He didn’t want to put it past him.

He fixed Roach’s pen, only a few screws had been knocked loose. Then he drug it out into the living room, so she could have more space, and so that Jaskier could as well. Roach slept in his bed with him, the small amount he did sleep. And he kissed her head before he left, telling her he’d give her love to her dad. Dad number one, as Jaskier had taken to calling himself. She hopped after him to the door, sitting on her hind legs and watching him as he closed the door behind him.

Four agonizing days of silence. And then he woke up. Geralt had been dozing in the chair next to his bed when he’d heard his name. A whisper in his dreams. And then he’d startled awake to see two heavily medicated eyes looking at him. He leaned forward so quickly that the chair almost tipped him off onto the floor. His hand grabbing the bed in front of him for balance.

“Jaskier.” He smiled, he couldn’t help it, those blue eyes were open again and that pressure behind his ribs was pounding out a rhythm against them like a drum. Jaskier’s lips twitched into a small smile, his eye lids already drooping again. He lifted his hand, holding the back to Geralt, he moved his other hand to gently tap the IV line.

“This… is not the milkshake I requested.” He mumbles, voice groggy like his eyes. Geralt reaches out, his fingers settling on Jaskier’s arm when he drops it to the bed.

“Sorry. I’ll work on it.” he moves his thumb over Jaskier’s arm and watched his tired eyes track the motion as they blink slowly. They move back to Geralt’s face, still slow, and he hears him gasp, his mouth drops open the smallest amount.

“What? What’s wrong?” Geralt asks, worried he’d hurt him somehow, his hand moving away from Jaskier’s arm reluctantly.

“Those are… the prettiest eyes.” He murmurs, sounding breathless through his exhaustion. Geralt feels heat crawl over his skin as Jaskier’s blue eyes stare into his, apparently pretty, yellow ones. He does his best to meet Jaskier’s gaze but fails. He clears his throat and looks away. He pushes himself to standing and pretends not to see the way Jaskier’s fingers reach out for him briefly before he walks to the window.

“I made sure you had a nice view, in case you woke up alone.” He clears his throat again, hearing the way his voice shakes.

“It’s a great view.” He hears Jaskier sigh, glancing at him, his skin burns again when he finds Jaskier resolutely not looking out the window, his eyes on Geralt’s ass, his mouth crooked with a content smile. Geralt moves his eyes back to the window, looking at the birdhouse someone had hung in the garden. He hears Jaskier sigh behind him and turns. His eyes are closed again, his chest rising and falling slowly. Geralt takes a deep breath and sighs himself, never thinking he’d be relieved about Jaskier having fallen back into sleep.

Renfri comes by for lunch. Once again bringing food for them both. She hates hospital food and refuses to let anyone eat it if she can help it. She drops the bag of food down gently in the corner and gives Geralt a small wave before reaching in and unpacking the food she’s brought.

“How’s he doing today? Anything new?” She asks, holding a foil wrapped burrito in each hand, clearly weighing them before deciding which one she’s going to take. She looks over her shoulder at him when he doesn’t answer.

“Geralt?” She looks at him for a moment, and sets the food down.

“What happened?” her voice is serious, and he can see worry creeping into her eyes.

“Nothing, sorry. He woke up earlier on. And he-“ Geralt stopped himself, he shouldn’t tell her. He knew what she’d do. She never let it go. And then she’d tell Yen, and he’d never hear the end of it.

“He what?” She prodded, her attention seemingly moving back to the food, but he could see the set of her shoulders, she was listening carefully.

“He just… talked. For a bit. Not a lot. Just a few things.” Geralt said, doing his best to avoid the actual conversation that took place.

“And what did he say?” she asked, still not looking at him. He can feel his skin burning again, the heat moving up his neck and into his ears. He stays silent too long and she turns to him again. Her eyes meet his, and travel over his face, and he sees them ignite with amusement.

“Oh my god. What did he say?” the smile on her lips is full of mischief as she saunters toward him, the food she’d been sorting quickly forgotten.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Geralt mutters, standing before she can reach him and moving to the window. A poor attempt to run from her. Her hands fall on his shoulders heavily and turn him back to her easily.

“Look at you.” She laughs with a snort, hands moving to her hips as she smiles at him.

“What?” he frowns, crossing his arms over his chest, not liking the way she’s looking at him. Because he knows she can see it. And he doesn’t want her too.

“That.” She says, her hand reaching out and poking his cheek. He swats at her hand and she laughs again, he can feel himself wanting to smile. His chest feeling light. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if she knew. If he told her. If he said it out loud. He bit his lip and fought the urge, shoved it down again, and felt it growling behind his ribs.

“Come now it’s clear on your face, you look like a beet! What did he say to you that’s got you looking like a nervous maiden of old?” she’s laughing again, arms wrapping around herself as she tries to at least hold the laughter at bay.

“Nothing. Leave it.” he grumbles, looking to his feet.

“Oh please! I swear I won’t tell!” she clasps her hands in front her, begging him with those big puppy dog eyes of hers.

“Renfri.” Geralt admonishes, giving her a look. She wilts, hands falling at her sides, shoulders drooping, a pout on her lips.

“Ugh, fine.” She sighs, turning away and going back to the food. She throws herself into the chair and kicks the other chair with her foot, moving it out for Geralt to sit across from her. He sits slowly, both of them eating and glancing at Jaskier off and on. He’s taking a drink when she finally decides to speak again.

“Well whatever it was, it must have been good. To have you looking like that.” She smirks over her own drink at him, pulling the straw between her teeth and grinning around it like the asshole she is.

“Hmm.” Geralt rumbles, rolling his eyes and looking away from her. His eyes betray him again and land on Jaskier, his lips curve of their own volition and he smiles at him, though he still sleeps. Renfri snorts across from him and he kicks her out of the room. She laughs as she leaves, a knowing look in her eyes that Geralt finds absolutely, unequivocally, terrifying.

Yennefer comes by for dinner to take his place. She says nothing about Jaskier waking up and speaking to him, doesn’t try to pry anything from him. So either Renfri didn’t tell her, or she’s waiting for the moment to spring it on him. Either way his nerves are on edge.

“I found something.” She says, setting her fork down on her empty plate. Clearly having been waiting to bring it up. Geralt continues chewing, though slowly, and furrows his brow in question.

“About the men who took Jaskier.” She elaborates. Geralt swallows hard, nearly choking, and sets his own fork down on the table, what’s left of his dinner forgotten.

“Who were they?” he asks, moving his hands against his thighs, worry setting in and making his palms sweat.

“Well, I can’t vouch for all of them, I think quite a few of them were just random local hired muscle. But a few them, the ones you talked to, and the one’s that stayed near Jaskier. I think they were the main guys. The founders I guess you could say. They’ve been hunting for a while. Leaving a bloody path behind them as they go.” She pulls something out of her bag, a file. Geralt reaches for it but she pulls it out of his reach.

“I think they killed his parents Geralt.” She says, blunt, and quiet, glancing at Jaskier with a pained expression. Geralt feels his heart speed up, it pounds in his ears and against his ribs.

“I’m not supposed to have this. And I probably shouldn’t show it to you. But I know that Jaskier has told you things. About what happened to him. And you’ll be able to tell if this is them. The names are different in the file but I think he may have changed his name. To stay safe.” Geralt nearly flinches back from her, she follows him, her hand going to his knee quickly.

“I will never tell anyone any of this. The men are dead, I checked, there were no other known associates among them. I just think it’s best we know for sure.” she widens her eyes, waiting for Geralt to confirm that this is okay. He nods. Once. And she hands him the file. He goes to open it and her hand covers his, stopping him again.

“What’s in that file is… terrible. Even for us.” She gives him a pointed look, squeezes his hand, and walks to the window to give him space. Geralt takes a deep breath and opens the file.

Bile rises in his throat as his eyes scan the pictures. A man’s body, horribly mangled, lying on a carpeted floor in dark pools of blood, his limbs are at odd angles. He looks like a rag doll that’s been tossed aside. Jaskier’s father. Geralt’s heart aches as he looks at the pictures, the man’s light hair, matted to his head, his eyes empty. His arm is stretched out in front of him, the only limb on his body that looks normal, fingers splayed out on the carpet, like he’d been reaching for something he’d never live to touch.

Geralt turned the page. His hand going to his mouth as he shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

The woman in the pictures looked so like her son, dark hair, cherub cheeks hiding high cheekbones. Her body had been covered in cuts, a gaping hole in her chest telling Geralt that these men had literally cut her heart out. The pool of blood beneath and around her was smeared and uneven, telling him that they’d done it while she was still alive. Her face, thank the gods, looked peaceful at least. Her eyes shut, her mouth not twisted in a strangled scream like Geralt had seen many times. He was about to close the file, unable to look any longer, when he saw them.

Little hand prints.

On the woman’s shirt, and her face, and the floor near her head. His heart beat faster and faster as he moved the picture closer to his face, needing to know that he was seeing what he knew, deep in his gut, that he was. Two small red smears on the backs of the woman’s eyelids. She hadn’t had her eyes closed peacefully after all. They’d been closed for her, by someone with small, blood covered hands. A child’s hands.

Her child’s hands.

Geralt sighed deeply and closed the file, throwing it onto the table so that he didn’t rip it to shreds.

“Jaskier.” He sighed, his chest aching. Yennefer was back by his side in seconds, her hand on his shoulder.

“Did it match what he told you?” she asked, voice low. Geralt looked up at her, she looked back, face full of sorrow.

“No,” he moved his shaking hand to touch hers on his shoulder.

“It was worse.” He sighed, looking into his lap. Yennefer sat down across from him, her hand clasping his, her face full of sorrow.

“They’re dead. The men who did it.” she said again. Saying the only thing she knew would make him feel better. That the monsters who had hurt Jaskier and those he loved where dead.

“Do you think he knew?” Geralt asked, a question whispered between them, a secret he was hoping he’d never know the answer to.

“I knew.”

Geralt’s heart stops as he and Yennefer both look to the bed in the room. Jaskier’s eyes are open, clear now, and looking at them.

“You knew it was them?” Yennefer asked, not unkindly. Jaskier nodded slowly, biting his lip, grimacing when his teeth hit the still healing wound there.

“That’s the thing about being a musician, I’ve got a good ear. For music. And for voices.” He sighed, looking into his lap, his fingers pulling at a string on his blanket.

“Though,” he scoffs, humorlessly, pausing to pick at the string on his knee, nail digging into the fabric.

“It’s also hard to forgot a voice that haunts your dreams.” He looks back up at them, eyes colder than Geralt has ever seen them, the dark circles beneath them making them shine.

Yennefer gets up then, and walks slowly to Jaskier’s bedside. Her hand finding his and holding it tightly as she looks deeply into his eyes, his features soften into sheepishness as she gazes at him.

“They’re dead. You killed the last one. Those men, who took everything from you.” Her voice shakes with emotions and Geralt watches a tear fall down Jaskier’s cheek.

“They’re dead. And gone. And you’re still here. With us. You won, Jaskier. You beat them.” She offers him a shaky smile, and when he returns it, with one of his own, she presses forward and hugs him, briefly. Just a tight squeeze and then she’s retreating. Both of them wiping at their faces, Jaskier sniffles as he looks at Geralt. His eyes are sad, and tired, and sunken into dark skin that Geralt longs to touch, but he smiles at Geralt. And Geralt smiles back.

~*~

Jaskier walks up the stairs carefully, holding onto the railing tightly. Geralt walks next to him, hand on his back, ready to catch him if he stumbles.

“You don’t have to do that, I’m not an old woman.” Jaskier gripes, his free hand scratching at his head, his hair lay flat and wavy on his head, the magical color long faded out during his stay in the hospital.

“Oh I’m well aware. An old woman would have been up the stairs and home by now.” Geralt teased, smiling at Jaskier when he stopped on the steps to glare at him.

“Asshole.” He mumbled, starting his slow accent again.

“What was that?” Geralt asked, stepping away from him.

“Nothing.” Jaskier hissed.

“Right. Okay then, see you whenever you get home.” Geralt said loftily, marching up the stairs and away from Jaskier, he got about three steps ahead before Jaskier was calling out to him.

“No! Wait please come back! What I meant to say was, thank you! Oh hero of men and monsters, please don’t leave me behind!” his hand flailing dramatically as he made a scene of bowing before Geralt.

“Alright that’s quite enough.” Geralt snorted, walking back down the stairs to walk next to Jaskier.

They make it up the stairs eventually. Geralt pushes the door open and lets Jaskier walk past him. They turn their heads in unison when they hear the plop from down the hall, and then the scuffling of claws against wood as Roach makes her way quickly too them. Jaskier bends and scoops her up easily as soon as she reaches his feet, holding her close.

“Oh my darling hello! Daddy’s missed you.” he breaths into her neck, face pressed into her fur as her paws curl over his shoulder, her head leaning into him as he leans into her. Geralt closes the door and walks to them, his fingers pressing deep behind her ears as Jaskier sways gently with her in his arms. He moves his head to look at Geralt.

“Did you give her a bath?” he asked, almost a whisper, as if the mention of a bath might bring back some possibly horrible memory for her. Geralt nods and pets her head.

“I didn’t have much of a choice.” He murmurs, matching Jaskier’s hushed tone. Jaskier’s features darken.

“Yeah, I sort of… just shoved her under the bed. One of them tried to kick her so I had to get her out of the way.” He shrugged, careful not to jostle her. Geralt looked at him, and saw his eyes filling with tears, he moved without thinking, pulling them both close. He felt Roach wiggle between them and then settle. Jaskier moved one arm away from her, snaking it up around Geralt’s back, his slender fingers digging deeply into Geralt’s shoulder. Geralt barely felt it, he just held him closer, letting him cry against him for as long as he needed. Jaskier pressed his face into Geralt’s neck, his tears wet and warm against his skin. He moved his hand up Jaskier’s back, cupping the back of his head, his fingers soothing over soft hair.

Jaskier pulls back slowly, readjusting the rabbit in his arms and clearing his throat.

“Sorry, I just. Long few days.” He says with a breathy laugh. Geralt gives him a soft smile.

“You don’t have to apologize.” He says, and he can hear the emotion in his own voice. Jaskier looks at him for a long time, something unknown dancing behind his eyes.

“Thank you Geralt.” His voice was heavy. He let Roach down, wiping his hands on his thighs nervously as she hopped a few paces away from them.

“It’s fine.” He said, his hands shaking at his sides.

“No.” Jaskier shook his head and took a step forward.

“Thank you Geralt. For everything.” He closed the space between them, wrapping his arms around Geralt properly this time, pulling him close and burying his face in his neck once again. Jaskier’s hands fist in Geralt’s shirt as he pulls him closer, he’s pressed against Geralt nearly head to toe now. Geralt suppresses a shiver and tightens his hold as Jaskier shakes in his arms and clings to him. He holds him, silently, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, Jaskier’s scent filling him with warmth. Jaskier’s heart pounds behind his ribs where he’s pressed to Geralt’s chest.

#bright smiles and tired eyes #bsate #bright smiles #bsate part 5 #geraskier #geraskier fic #my writing #geralt x jaskier #siren!jaskier #modern au #punk!jaskier

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szparx · 4 years ago

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regretregretregret

tw / suicide , car crash , blood , drugs , alcohol , religion

weekends don't feel the same anymore

ive been away for far too long

cruisin' and bruisin' down the highway of hell that is my poor miserable life.

gaining new tumors and ulcers and blisters and bumps every goddamned day

flying so high the birds cant even see me and then crashing so hard that even james dean himself would feel sorry for my soul

never sleeping and not eating. no drinks and no shoes and no shirt and no service, no drugs or nuclear weapons allowed inside.

wild life, right? the kind of mundane that you only get from working a 9 to 5 job in a cubicle for a pharmaceutical company

except im (insert age here) and unemployed and i have been my whole life

and i grew up too fast and escaped too slow and now i am painfully and totally trapped under the seatbelt in my flipped car on i-80 and the child locks are on

and im suspended above a holy burning fire set as a trap for the angels as they come to reclaim their vessel for lucifer himself

a devil like me that only the sweetest of grandmothers could love and care for, and take in as if they're their own

knowing full well their time is almost up and soon they'll be leaving some poor preteen to the foster system in heaven, and all of the cherubs and archangels will pass them around like a plate of chopped liver at an overcrowded thanksgiving dinner that your mom said you had to go to and, yes, you have to wear the sweater vest

it's like a party except you're all alone and there's only gas station vodka and all of the music comes in the form of clocks ticking and other cars passing you at 90 miles an hour as you lay dying.

and nobody seems to care, and nobody called the police because you finally got what was coming to you.

what has been coming to you since the 8th grade.

a suicide so potent that only the greatest alchemist could have ever even dreamed about brewing, and somehow you've done it yourself on the cold tile of your mother's bathroom.

and all of the pills once in the cabinet are splayed on the floor around you, soaking up and dissolving in the pool of warm blood that is making a slipping hazard all over the floor that she loved more than you.

and that same gas station vodka bottle that you partied with like it was your last night on earth is laying in the crook of your corpse's elbow. painfully empty and trying desperately to fill with blood as it spills from every vein in your body, terribly black and thick, and not at all how the blood of a human being who was loved would look like.

and when the police zip up your body into a black bag and send it to the lab for testing, the head officer just shakes his head and rubs his temples because even though he never knew you he still knew that this was coming.

and as your tired coroner makes the first incision of your autopsy the tox screen comes back and tells him all the pills that you ate.

hydrocodone, acetaminophen, amoxicillin, ibuprofen, codeine, alprazolam, detroxamphetamine, amphetamine, diazepam, escitalopram, fexofenadine, fluoxetine, lorazepam, ranitidine, and sertraline Vicodin, amoxil, Motrin, Tylenol, Xanax, Adderall, Valium, Lexapro, Allegra, Prozac, ativan, zantac, zoloft

not to mention a fuckton of THC and booze

and he sighs and scratches his ass and wonders if he should even bother finishing, because he already knows that your insides are mangled and black and disgusting.

and he thinks it's a miracle that you even made it this far, and he knows how much poison you used, and the officer knows how much blood there was, and your family knows how much they resent you, and God knows how much guilt you carried until the bloody brutal end.

everyone knows everything about you. except why you did it, because you never left a note and you don't have any friends to tell so you took that dark secret to the grave with you. literally.

and the funeral is sparse and quiet, and one of your high school teachers attends and tells your red-eyed bloodline how much of a pleasure you were in class and says those five words that they are so so tired of hearing:

"I'm sorry for your loss"

and they've heard it a hundred times today, and a thousand times this week, and a billion times in the last 18 years because that is the only thing you consistently said to them.

and it was always 'I'm sorry' and never 'I love you' and now you can never take that back because you're dead and six feet under, and there's not anything left of you on the mortal plane or existence to bring you back as a ghost so you have to live, or rather not, with the fact that your family thinks you hate them.

and there's nothing you can do except relive your memories, because apparently hell is a movie theater that plays all your moments back to you and you sit there and realize that everything is terrible, and you see everything that you could have done differently if you had just cared a little bit more.

and you miss your brothers, and you realize now that you did have friends and you would give anything just to see them one more time.

and you finally, finally, finally find something that you regret more than living:

dying

#poetry #art #writing #stream of consciousness #emo #goth #edgy #angsty

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thewritenerd · 4 years ago

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Victor and Adam: NaNoWriMo Day 25

Victor

After updating Igor and Justine on the situation Victor made his way up to Adam’s room. Emptying out his school bag onto his bed he looked around for things he might need. The doctor said they would want to keep him in for a couple of days just to keep an eye on things. He’d need things to do. Books, that seemed a good place to start. Making his way over to the bookshelf he picked out a couple of things and put them in the bag. What else? His phone, but where was the charger? He eventually found it in the drawer of Adam’s bedside cabinet. Thinking what else to put in Victor spotted something out of the corner of his eye. Something light blue poking out from under the bedsheets. Reaching for it Victor grabbed hold of the material and pulled it out. It was a shirt, or what was left of one. One sleeve had been torn of and most of the buttons were missing. There were also several rips and tears. ‘What the? He thought. Then he remembered. That night he’d brought Adam to life as the boy had ran away he’d taken one of his shirts. And he kept it? Victor thought. Not just kept it, it seemed he was using it like some sort of comforter. Without a second thought he shoved the shirt into the bag and continued packing. He put in Adam’s notebook and a couple of pens, a puzzle toy which he could technically be done one handed, his headphones and his pills. Victor also decided to he’d let Adam borrow his tablet for a couple of days, as long as he was careful with it. He didn’t use it that often anyway. Making his way back down he saw Igor dusting the banister. ‘Ah Igor I didn’t want to say anything in front of Justine but I need to talk to you about this intruder of ours.’ Igor nodded.

‘Yes I’ve been thinking about that. Do you think they know about the tunnel?’ ‘They certainly know about the trapdoor.’ Victor said looking thoughtful. ‘Though there’s no way they can open it from the outside. Not unless they’re really strong. And if they were I don’t doubt they would have opened it by now.’ In fact the trapdoor could only really opened by a hidden mechanism that was operated by a remote Victor kept on him at all times. There was another way to the tunnels but the intruder would have to break in to the castle to find it. ‘Igor I want you to update security in here. I don’t care too much about this person skulking around outside. They’re not going to get anywhere anyway. But I can’t risk them breaking in.’ Igor nodded. ‘Good idea sir. I won’t be able to do anything today as you have the car. But tomorrow I can go into town and buy some security cameras.’ ‘Good. Now I’d better get going. I promised Adam I’d be back before he woke up.’ ***

When he first got back to the hospital Victor was informed Adam would be in surgery for a little longer. Sitting down he prepared himself for a long wait. Time crawled by but Victor stayed put in the waiting room, only leaving to grab something to eat from the hospital café. At one point a guy sat next to him. ‘Been here long?’ he asked. ‘Since six. More or less.’ Victor replied. ‘Ouch. So who you waiting on?’ Victor thought for a moment wondering how to answer. ‘My son.’ He replied. ‘Broken arm.’ ‘Must be a bad break if you’re here. Still kids are tough.’ He gave Victor a reassuring smile which he didn’t quite return. The man didn’t seem to upset though. ‘Can’t blame you for worrying though.’ Victor looked down at his hands. Truth was he was less worried about Adam’s physical wounds and more worried about him psychologically. His injury was very similar to William’s and though it didn’t seem he’d made the connection that very easily could have been down to shock. ‘So how old’s your son?’ ‘What? Oh he’s sixteen.’ ‘Any others?’ ‘No. It’s just him.’ ‘Got two myself. Ten and fourteen. Wanted to come with me to see their grandma but I said they couldn’t go skipping school.’ School? ‘Shit.’ Victor hissed. The man frowned at him. ‘Sorry. I forgot to call the school. Um excuse me.’ He stood up and headed outside. Once he was done explaining what had happened to the school receptionist, who seemed very understanding about the delay, he headed back in doors. ‘Ah Mr Frankenstein.’ The doctor who’d been treating Adam said as he approached him. ‘Your son’s out of surgery now. It all went well. He’ll probably be out until later this afternoon but you can see him now if you want.’ Victor simply nodded and after learning the room Adam had been moved to he headed there. He stopped in the doorway. Adam was in a bed much too short for him so they’d had to lay him on the bed sort of half sitting up. His head had fallen to one side so he was facing the door. In the bright hospital light Victor noticed the skin of his jaw didn’t quite match the skin on the rest of his head. Though the difference was subtle. Taking a deep breath Victor made his way over and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Almost without thinking he reached out and pushed a strand of Adam’s dark hair out of his eye. Adam didn’t stir, of course not he was drugged not just sleeping. As he watched him Victor couldn’t help but to think how much like a child he looked. Though Victor had set out to create a teenager and had used as many parts from people of the right age range, though that hadn’t been easy, but it was hard to see someone who towered over everyone as being so young. But now looking at him there was no doubt this was just a kid Victor was looking at. A kid you pushed away, he scolded himself. Because you couldn’t take responsibility. You were the only one to have had any say in his existence, yet you were the first to turn your back on him. ‘Great.’ He muttered. ‘My conscious is turning into Igor.’ He’d been hoping he’d have at least until the old man croaked before he started haunting him. No such luck it seemed. Turning his attention back to Adam he noticed a small birthmark on his earlobe he’d never noticed before.

***

When Adam finally woke up Victor was reading a paper he’d bought earlier that day. He didn’t notice he’d woken up at first. When he did look up he say Adam looking at him through half open eyes. ‘How are you?’ he asked folding up the paper. ‘Dunno. Can’t feel anything.’ Victor nodded. ‘Yes that’ll be the pian killers.’ Adam’s looked thoughtful. ‘How long have you been here?’ he asked. ‘Since you got out of surgery. Been a few hours.’ ‘You eaten?’ Victor laughed at this and shook his head. ‘Listen to you. Just out of surgery and you’re worrying about me.’ ‘Well if something happens to you I’m in trouble.’ Adam joked. For a moment the two just stayed looking at each other not speaking. ‘Oh I brought your stuff.’ Victor placed the bag on the bed. It should be enough to tide you over until you can come home. Adam nodded and began to pull on the zip with his good arm. He pulled out the tablet first. ‘You can borrow it. Just don’t go spending any money okay.’ Adam gave a small smile. ‘Yeah thanks.’ He then pulled out one of his books before putting it back. Then he frowned and reached in and pulled out the shirt. ‘I figured that was in your bed for a reason,’ Victor explained. Adam nodded. ‘I would have given it back. But I didn’t think anyone could repair it.’ Victor shook his head. ‘No it’s in a pretty bad state. But never mind, I have plenty of others.’ Adam let out a sigh of relief reached into the bag again the shirt still on his lap. Once he’d done checking the contents and confirming there was nothing else he wanted or needed he sat back again clutching the shirt in his good hand. ‘Ah I see we’re awake.’ Said a nurse as she stepped inside. ‘What’s this?’ she asked when she spotted the shirt. ‘I can’t sleep without it.’ Adam admitted his face turning red. ‘Oh don’t worry sweetie. You can keep your blanky.’ She turned to Victor. ‘So how is he?’ she asked. Victor frowned not sure why she was asking him. ‘Well the pain killers seem to be working.’ He said. The nurse nodded and made a note. ‘And do you have any questions.’ ‘Yeah how long do you think I’ll be in here?’ the nurse gave him a smile that people usually reserved for small children who wouldn’t shut up. ‘Oh sweetie you can’t go home just yet. You need to rest.’ ‘So how long will it be?’ Victor asked quickly noticing the growing anger in Adam’s eyes. ‘Oh a couple of days at least. Just to be sure. But we rarely keep anyone in longer. Not for a broken bone.’ She quickly checked the iv drip before leaving. ‘I don’t like her.’ Adam grumbled. ‘She doesn’t seem very professional.’ Victor agreed. ‘Do you want me to have a word with someone about that?’ Adam shook his head. ‘No I don’t want a fuss. I mean it’s just one nurse.’ Victor nodded. After sitting in silence for a moment Adam spoke again. ‘I’m really tired so if you want to go home and get something to eat I don’t mind.’ ‘Are you sure?’ Adam nodded his eyes closed. ‘Okay. I’ll be back to check up on you tomorrow. As soon as I can.’ He waited for Adam to respond but he was already asleep. Standing up he made his way out of the hospital to the car and drove back to the castle. It was well past dinner by the time he got home. Igor had something waiting for him in the oven. ‘I assumed you wouldn’t have eaten today.’ He said as he set the plate down. He went to pour the wine but Victor held out a hand to stop him. ‘Not tonight Igor.’ He tucked into the meal a little more eagerly than he usually would have, he really was starving, and finished without leaving a crumb. ‘So how is Adam?’ Igor asked as he took the plate. ‘Fine. The surgery went well. He was getting tired so I left him to get some reast.’ Igor nodded. ‘Anything for desert sir?’ Victor shook his head. ‘No I’m actually quite tired myself.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll be heading off to bed now.’ Igor nodded. ‘Well I’ll see you tomorrow sir. Sleep well.’ Victor nodded and headed out the door.

#nanowrimo #writing #writblr #victor and adam #long post #read more

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lovelyrocker · 5 years ago

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Love Is Blind Ch.24

~ RPF

~ Characters: Jensen Ackles, Lexi Ackles(OFC), Jared Padalecki, Jesse(OMC), Bethany(OFC), Dr. Turner(OFC)

~ Pairings: Jared x Lexi(Sorta,kinda)

~ Warnings: Talk of Suicide, Talk of Alcohol abuse and Drug abuse, Slight Smut, Angst(of course), Mental Health Situations,

~ Word Count:7,288

~ Un Beta’d - All Mistakes are my Own

~ *FEEDBACK IS GOLD*

Love Is Blind Masterlist

<Previous Chapter

Lexi had been in the hospital for going on seventy two hours. Other than the four hours Jared had left to clean up and try to sleep, Jared didn’t leave Lexi’s side. Between the blood loss an overdose, alcohol poisoning and her heart stopping, her body was going to need more time to recover. When Lexi woke she’d worked herself into a panic attack in Jared’s arms. Out of fear of putting stress on her already delicate heart,the nurses came in and sedated her in a mess of of rushed apologies and greetings of relief and tears.

Lexi’s anxiety took over the minute she saw the bandages on her wrists, giving her a short lived calmness of seeing Jared. The realization of what she had done smashed into her like an anvil. She was filled with sadness and regret that she’d been so stupid. She wanted to apologies but couldn’t speak. He throat was raw and every sound felt like needles.

The next twenty four hours Lexi woke underwent dozens of tests. Neurological, to make sure her brain function was normal. Physical, to see how she was about to function. But most importantly, psychiatric. She spoke with a Psychiatrist for a bit, not saying much. She was still groggy through most of it and her body hurting from being shocked after her heart stopped.

Lexi was sedated again, resting, while Jared and Jensen sat diligently at her bedside. “You’ve been here for a while. Go home and get some rest.” Jensen told Jared.

“I’m good.”

“Jare,”

“Jay, I’m fine.”

“Go home, see your kids, eat, sleep.” Jesen lifted a hand when Jared went to protest. “Don’t even. Doctor said she’ll be out til the morning, at least.” He looked down at his watch. “It’s nine pm. Go. I got this for the night.”

“Promise me that you will call if she wakes up?”

“You know I will.” Jensen assure his friend.

It was eleven PM now. Jared stopped by Genevieve’s t see the kids for a bit, then swung by Danneel’s to say a quick hi and pick up a few things from Lexi’s room he’d thought she’d like.

Jared sat in his bed with Lexi’s journal in his hands. Why did he take it from her room at Jensen’s? He remembered the day he gave it to her. It was in Jensen’s trailer a few days after her sixteenth birthday. He had searched for weeks but couldn't figure out what to get his best friend’s little sister. He’d seen her journaling on set one day and noticed she was nearing the end of the small notebook. So he looked at all the nearest bookstores but never saw anything he thought she would like. They were either too small or too bulky. Too plain, to girly, nothing that fit her style or her personality. That’s when he took the internet and design her a journal. One she could add to, one she could carry with her easily. She’d never used another journal since.

He tapped his thumb on the cover of the black leather debating whether or not he wanted to read it. Did he have it in him to invade her privacy? Would he like what he would read? Lexi was currently laying half sedated in a hospital bed with four inch cuts on both her wrists. Now was not the time for privacy. Now was the time to find out why. More so, what could he have done to stop her. He opened it to a random page and began reading.

I woke up this morning and for a split second I didn’t hurt. Then I remembered I’m 2200 miles from Jared. That’s when the empty sinking feeling set in.

He swallowed hard and flipped a few pages over.

Today was another bad day. Jensen keeps trying to talk to me but after what he did, I don’t care what he has to say.

Jared stood placing the journal down and went to the kitchen. When he walked back into his room he had a glass and a fifth of whiskey. He had decided that if he was doing this he was gonna need some liquid courage. He turned the pages to the beginning and began again. He mostly flipped and skimmed through reading over the entries. It was mostly school, work, college choices, school boys, friends, normal teenage things. The handwriting was different. Softer more carefree. Then he scanned a page that made him pause.

I have a big problem. I think I have a crush on Jared.

He gave a small smile and kept reading.

Very cliche’ I know! Little sister having a crust on her brothers bestie. But it’s weird, i’ve never looked at him like that until I moved to Vancouver and I have no idea why.

Then again, how could I not have a crush on him? The man is fucking gorgeous!

Jared gave chuckle and flipped a few more pages.

I think I’m losing my mind. No way in hell was Jared flirting with me, right? It's in my head, it has to be! He is like 16 - 17 years older than me. That's almost two decades!! But then he looks at me with those piercing eyes and I suddenly forget how even breath. And when he touches me, my whole fucking body is electric.

Jared let out another chuckle. He knew she made him feel like that but didn’t know that so early on, she felt the same way.

I’ve never thought a kiss would make my heart literally stop. I feel like that everytime he kisses me. That can’t be normal, right? And I know he wants to take things slow but God, I want him. I know he wants to respect Jensen and I know he is scared because he has WAY more experience. But when we have sex its something that Ive never felt before. Even when we had sex the first time it was so different from with Chris.

Jared paused just seeing Chris’ name on the paper.

With Chris it all seemed rushed. Like he couldn’t wait to fuck. It was all pulling and rough. More focused on what he wanted. Jared was different. He was gentle and careful. I could tell he wanted me but he also wanted to feel me. He took his time and made me feel like I was everything. He still does.

Jared downed his drink and flipped through a few more pages stopping when he saw the handwriting change again.

I hate feeling like I can’t control my life! Every always know whats better for me. Jensen knew better when he made me and jared break up. Jared knew better when he told me to leave and basically forget about him. What about me? What about what i want?! At least chris gives me the benefit of the doubt. He gives me the chance to make up my own mind.

Jared looked at the date and saw it was about three months after she’d moved to L.A. She was diagnosed around this time. He could tell the differences in her handwriting. It was a tell tale sign of her moods and her ups and downs. Jared adjusted his position and several folded papers slide out of the folded back of her journal.

Dear Jared, I'm above the clouds right now on my way to Austin. My chest aches because all I can think about is you. I know Jensen thinks he is doing the right thing but how can it be right if you and I are hurting this much? The main reason I guess i'm writing is to let you know I get it. I get why you told me to go

Jared swallowed hard pouring another glass of whiskey before finishing and moving on to another paper.

Dear Jared,

Today didn’t hurt as much. I miss your text messages and phone calls.

Dear Jared,

I finally got out of the house for a few hours today. It wasn;t bad. Went to a movie with some friends. I was missing you by the end of the night. No one to tell my night to.

Dear Jared,

Tom reminds me so much of you! Gen came by with the kids today and even though she looks at me like she wants to kill me, I’m happy I got to see the boys.

It was letter after letter that she wrote as if she would be having a conversation with him. This was how she coped with not having her best friend anymore. Even though she knew she probably would never mail a single letter, she still wrote and told Jared about her days. The letters went from almost daily to a few a week. Then every few weeks until she left for L.A. Then the handwriting changed again.

Dear Jared,

L.A. is nice. I’m sure it would be better if you were here with me. I’m managing to deal with everything pretty well.

Dear Jared,

I saw Chris today. He is doing well and getting help.

Dear Jared,

I want to tell you how much i’ve missed you, how much I still love you. I’ve thought of the day you;d be standing in front of me again so I could tell you. But when I saw you I was so mad!

Jared fought back a tear as he kept reading.

You were worried I would recent you for being with you but truth is I recent you for not being with me.

Jared swallowed hard as he flipped to another letter. He saw one dated the night before she hurt herself.

Dear Jared,

I’m sorry. For being so mad at you. For pushing you away. For such a headcase and making things difficult. I wish things would have been different. That they could have been different. Maybe things were supposed to happen this way. I don’t know. All I do know is you were one of the best things to happen to me. And I want you to know that I love you and none of this is on you.

Always, Lexi

She was saying goodbye. He took another long sip from his glass emptying it. Jared flipped through another handful of of letters and a few more pages of her journal before getting up from his bed, dressing and heading back to the hospital.

The nurse walked into Lexi’s room at six am with an I.V. bag of fluids. She was quiet as she walked through the room as to not wake up Jensen who was sleeping on the small couch in the room, feet propped up on the edge and his head on the other, arms crossed over his chest. And, Jared was on his side next to Lexi in her bed. His head nestled close to hers on the pillow, arm resting across her belly, hand on hers.

The machine beeped and Jensen blinked awake looking over at the nurse. “I’m sorry, sir.” The young nurse whispered.

“It’s fine.” Jensen whispered back sitting up the couch squeaking waking Jared.

Jared climbed out of Lexi’s bed and looked at the nurse. “Everything alright?’

“Yes, sir. Just hanging more fluids.” The nurse said to Jared as she pressed a code into the machine. “Her vitals are staying steady.” She told Jensen as he stood next to the bed. “I have a few papers that need signing. I have two contacts on her list?”

“That’d be me.” Jensen raised a hand.

She held the clipboard in her hands. “Which are you, Mr. Ackles or Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared and Jensen both looked at the nurse then to one another in surprise. “SHe has me as an emergency contact?” Jared questioned.

“More than that.” She looked at the papers in front of her. “You’re Jared Padalecki?” Jared nodded. “You and Mr. Ackles are on a form stating that if anything happens to Ms. Ackles all legal and Medical decisions are to be made by the two of you.” She showed Jared and Jensen a copy of the legalized document. “How are you two related?”

“I’m the brother he’s her boytoy.” Jensen told the nurse casually. “Ma’am when was this document made?”The nurse pointed at a date. “That the year she moved to L.A., look Ellie even signed as a witness.”

“You didn’t know about this?” Jensen asked him and Jared shook his head. “I’m sorry,” Jensen told the nurse. “What do I need to sign?”

“The first two. It’s consent to treatment for the neuro exams and the other is for billing.”

Jensen signed the papers and the nurse left then he shifted his attention to Jared. “You really didn’t know.”

Jared looked up from Lexi. “Not a clue.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “She is always full of surprises.”

“What time is it?” They heard a raspy mumble.

“Lexi?” Jared looked down to see her squirming in the bed. “Hey, baby girl.” He cooed.

“Can I get some water?” She asked trying to sit up

“No, no, don’t sit up.” Jared held up his hands.

“Don’t push yourself.” Jensen handed her a cup with a straw.

Lexi sipped the water and handed the cup to Jared who placed in on the small rolling tray. “How do you feel?” Jared asked.

“Tired. Kinda groggy.” Her eyes focused on her hands in her lap, instant tears welling. “I’m so sorry,” Both men were at her side in an instant, arms wrapped around her tightly. “I didn’t, I-I just wanted the pain to stop.” She sobbed into Jensen’s chest. “I couldn’t stop it. It was like I couldn’t breath, my chest was so tight and heavy.” Lexi wet on looking up at Jensen. “I felt like I was on autopilot and once I’d done it, it all just went away.” She looked between them. “How could I be so stupid?”

“You’re not stupid, you’re sick.” Jared pulled her close.

“Lex, why didn’t you tell us you were bipolar?” Her brother took her hand.

“Things were calm and good. For the most part.” She wiped her eyes leaving her head on Jared’s shoulder.

Two more days past and Lexi began to regain her strength, slowly. She managed to get by with no brain damage but suffered from headaches. Her heart was undamaged as well but the doctor still insisted she remain taking this as slow as possible. Her mental health was a different story.

“Hey, Jay.” Lexi spoke gaining both Jared and Jensen’s attention. “When can I go home?”

Jensen sat on the edge of her bed and took a breath. “I kinda been wanting to talk to you about that.” He took Lexi’s hand in his and looked her in the eye. “I talked to the doctors and they think that you should go to a place to get some help.”

“You want to send me to a mental hospital?!” Lexi shot up in the bed.

“No, no.” Jared said quickly sitting on the opposite side of her. “It’s a treatment center-”

“You’re in on this, too?!” She looked at Jared horrified.

“Baby girl, listen to us.”Jared said calming her as he placed a hand to her cheek.her face. “It’s not a hospital. It’s a treatment center, kind of like a mental health rehab. The doctors want you to get back on the proper medication and dosages. For that to happen you need to be monitored for a few days or so.” She shook her head in protest as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “We would never send you somewhere if we weren’t absolutely one hundred percent sure it was a good place and you would be taken care of and safe. It’s run by the same doctors that run the practice I go to. I wouldn’t trust you with just anyone, you know that.”

Lexi looked from Jared to Jensen knowing this wasn’t a discussion. “How long?”

“Two, Three weeks, at least.” Jensen said with a small exhale.

Lexi shut her eyes as a single tear escaped. “Where?” She asked swallowing hard as she looked back at them.

“Like I said, here in Austin. We’d be able to visit you while in treatment.” Jared told her.

By the next afternoon she was being shown to her room at the Austin Recovery Center. It was the last place she wanted to be but she knew it was something she had to do. Her room held two beds and was plain. The building was on the outskirts and on several acres of beautiful full green pastures. In fact, the place reminded her of an old ranch, without all the animals.

Lexi spent the first few days in her room trying to be okay with the fact that she was away from the people that kept her sane. She’d cry then she’d get angry then she’d cry again.

Her new shrink, Dr. Turner, was a brunette woman that had a bubbly personality. Reminded Lexi of herself a few years ago. Dr. Turner suggested Lexi began taking Lithium again and wanted to make sure the dosage was correct. Three session with Dr. Turner a week along with group every day. Lexi didn’t like the idea of group too much. She didn’t like telling her therapist things much less an entire group of people she didn’t really know.

Which brings her to where she is today. A week and a half of being in treatment and she still hasn’t opened up much. In group she hasn’t opened up at all. So she sat quietly in her chair, knees up to her chest, listening as the other patience spoke.

“I wanna know why the new chick never talks.” Jesse, a young man, early twenties, long, dark brown layered hair nearly to his shoulders and light blue eyes spoke. “Do you think you’re better than us?”

“Not at all.” Lexi shifted her eyes to him but moved nothing else.

“She speaks!” Jesse said lifting his hands. “I was starting to thing you didn’t have a tongue or something.”

“I just don’t like talking to people I don’t know.” Lexi answered still not lifting her head.

“Well, you’ve been listening to us babble for over a week. Don't you think you know enough to share a little?” Jesse asked moving his dark hair away from his face.

“What do you want to know?”

“Is Lexi your real name or nickname?” A girl, Bathany, a bottle blond, very thin, asked across the circle.

“Nickname.”

“What’s your real name then?” Jesse asked.

“Alexia”

“That’s pretty, why change it?” He asked.

Lexi simply shrugged. “A nickname my brother gave.”

“Why are you in here?” Bethany asked again. “Aren’t you a model or some shit?”

“Language.” Dr. Turner, who was leading the group that day, spoke.

“I did model, yes.”

“Then, why are you in here?” The girl asked again. “Isn’t your brother like really famous, too?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“You say that like money and fame fixes shit.” Jesse said towards the other girl.

“For some people it would.” The girl spat. “So why are you here. You’ve been sitting in group for almost two week and said nothing. You never talk outside of group either.”

Lexi looked at Dr. Turned who nodded her head as a sign of motivation to speak. “I tried to kill myself.”

“How?” Jesse asked sitting forward, curious.

“I drank a bottle of whiskey, took a handful of vicodin and slit my wrists.”

“Damn, you really wanted to get the job done.” Bethany said with a grin.

“Okay, that’s enough for today.” the Doctor spoke.

Lexi sat on the grass looking out at the flower filled fields across the property. The wind was warm against her skin as she watched the birds fly.

“So, you care for company?” Jesse said walking up.

“Sure.” She looked up at him as he sat down next to her.

“What are you doing out here alone?” He asked looking at her.

“I like the view. Jesse, right?”

“Yeah.” He nodded looking at her carefully.

“How are your cuts?” She asked pointing to his bandaged forearms.

“Better. You?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You really tried to kill yourself?” He asked bluntly as Lexi gave him a nod. “How and why?”

“I told you in group.”

“That was a watered down version.” He told her.

“I drank a fifth of whiskey then walked over to my-” She paused and corrected herself. “A friend’s house and took a handful of his pain pills. After sitting on the floor I took his razor and just cut.”

“Why?”

“I just didn’t want to feel anymore.” She looked at him. “The minute I heard my friend’s voice I knew I’d made a mistake but it was too late.” She took a breath. “Does that satisfy your curiosity. Is it enough info to run back and tell the little bitchy blonde in hopes of getting in her pants?”

“I-”

“I am not stupid. I learned how to read people years ago.” She turned her attention back to the field.

“Maybe I just changed my mind on that.” He was clearly intrigued.

“You’re not getting into my pants either.” She said with sass.

“Wow, you are a feisty one, aren’t you?” Jesse gave a cheeky grin.

“You have no idea.” A deep voice came from behind them.

Lexi turned to see Jared standing there with his hands in his pockets and a visitors tag clipped to his shirt. “Jared?” Lexi stood looking at him her heart began to race at the sight of him. The last time she saw him she was still in the hospital. “What are you doing here?! Oh, Jared this is Jesse, he is in my group. Jesse this is Jared-”

“The friend?” Jesse said with a smile looking at her. “Hey, nice to meet you.” Jesse extended his hand to Jared.

Jared shook his hand. “You too.”

“I’ll leave you two.” Jesse turned walking away.

Lexi turned to Jared and he gave a hesitant, nervous chuckle, clearing his throat. “Can I- can I hug you?”

“Of course!” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “My God, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” He leaned his head on hers. He took a step back and looked at her. “You, you look good.”

“Liar,” She looked away trying to hide her redding cheeks. “I look like crap.”

“Nonsense.”

“Come on, let’s sit.” She guided him to a bench.

“Seriously, you look great. Your cheeks are a perfect pink.” He said giving her cheek a small touch. “How do you feel?”

“Tired mostly. I have these really bad headaches. Doctors say it could be from my meds or from the trauma of all that happened.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. . “I- I like the beard.”

“Yeah?” He ran his hand over his facial hair. “We finished filming like a week ago.”

“Ahh, so it’s hiatus beard time.” She said with a smile tucking her hair behind her ears.

Jared saw the bandaged on her wrist and gently took her hand. “Are you healing okay?”

“Yeah. They’re just itchy.” She looked up at him. “How about you? How are you with all of this?”

“I’m good.” He spoke and she gave him a look, a look he knew well. A look letting him know she didn’t believe him. One look and he gave in. “Alright, I lied. I’m worried about you.”

“I know.” She placed her hand upon his cheek. “But, you don't have to. I’m okay. I feel a lot better being on medicine again. It was adjusted to higher dose last week.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re sticking to the doctor’s instructions.”

“I should have never stopped taking my meds. I felt good. I figured I was better.”

“A lot of people do that. That’s why they tell you talk to a doctor before stopping your meds.” He placed his hand on hers. “Oh, Jay told me to tell you he misses you and you need to get your ass better so you can come home.”

“I’m actually surprised he wasn’t here with you.” She gripped his hand a bit. “He has been here every visitation day since I got here.”

“He called me and asked if I would like to come see you. I asked if he was coming but he said I could come just me.”

“Really?”

“I was just as surprised as you.” Jared told her.

Lexi nodded. “I’m glad you came. So, Are the kids good?”

“Yeah. They actually ask about you a lot.”

“Awe, I miss them.” She smiled.

“Oh,” He pulled a few pictures out of his pocket. “I have something for you.”

It was all photos of the kids playing at his place in Austin. “Oh, look at them!” She boasted. “They’ve gotten even bigger.” She said as she flipped through seeing different picks of Jared and Jensen with them as well as Danneel and Genevieve.

“Odette is starting to crawl.

“Is she?” Her eyes sparkled. “And the twins?”

“Are just like Jensen in every way.”

“Poor Danneel.” She giggled flipping through the pictures still. “It’s only been a few weeks but seems so much longer.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Here you go.” Lexi handed him the photos.

“Oh, no, those are yours to keep. I asked the doctor and she said it was okay.” He looked around and reached into his jacket pocket. “Actually. I have one more for you.” He handed her a picture of the two of them together from when they were together.

Lexi looked at the picture of the two of them snuggled together outside by a fire. One of the few times they had gotten to be outside like that together. “This is one of my favorite pics of us.”

“‘I know.” He smiled down at her, the glimmer in her eyes filling his heart. “That’s why I brought it.”

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

The two hour visit went by a lot faster than they’d liked. We they hugged before he left, Jared held on a little longer, a little tighter than he needed. Just the feeling of having her in his arms, so warm and full of life. It’s what he needed after finding her cold and lifeless in his bathroom. Lexi could see in his eyes the longing he felt.

Lexi sat in Dr. Turner’s office watching as the doctor settled into her position across from her. “So, you had a visitor today.” The doctor began. “Who was it?”

“Yeah, Jared.”

“How do you know Jared?”

“He’s a friend. Also my brother’s best friend.”

“Oh?” Lexi nodded. “Is that all?” The doctor challenged. “Just you and your brother’s friend?”

“I don’t know what we are to be honest.” She said looking down at her hands as she picked the remaining nail polish off.

“Why is that?”

Lexi looked at her therapist and took an audible breath. “What I tell you can’t leave this room, right?” Lexi eyed her.

“As long as you or anyone else isn’t in any danger, that’s correct.”

“So if I tell you some stuff that happened like two years ago, even though it’s not really bad but some people may not approve, you can’t say anything? Right?”

“Unless you’re hiding a dead body someplace, no.” Dr. Turner chuckled.

“Okay, um, Jared and I have… history.” She looked at the doctor. “Like romantic history.”

“I see. Why do you see that as a problem?” The doctor scribbled something down.

“Because I was a minor at the time. I - mean sorta but not really.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrow lifted.

“Not Like a kid, but I was seventeen the first time we slept together.” Lexi’s hands were sweaty as she rubbed them on the knees of her pants.

“How old was he?”

“Thirty two. And I know that sound really bad.”

“Lexi, why are you jumping to defend this to me? That’s legal.” The doctor asked as she wrote in her notebook again.

“Because,” She sighed with an eyeroll. “I know what you’re thinking and what you want to say even though you can’t say it.”

“Is that so?” The doctor studied her for a moment. “Lexi, do people know about and Jared’s past?”

“A Handful of people.”

“Did they react unfavorable?”

“My brother threatened to have him thrown in jail for statutory rape.”

“You brother who is his best friend?” Dr. Turner added.

“Yeah. But that’s not the worst of it.” Lexi scoffed.

“I’m guessing the world wind love you told me about was Jared?” Lexi nodded. “Tell me What happened?”

“See, I was living with Jensen and Jared up in Vancouver where he worked. When he found out he made me move back down to Texas and forced us to cut all ties. When really hurt because Jared was my friend, he was my person, you know?” The doctor nodded. “And things just went south after that.”

“How so?”

“Well, first my sister-in -law Danneel through a party with Jared’s ex wife and Jared had to be there for support and all. That night we ended up sleeping together and the next day Jay found out. It was bad. That night Jared broke up with me for good.”

“That must have hurt you.”

“It did.”

“When were you diagnosed?”

“A few months after I moved to L.A.” She watched as the doctor shook her head and wrote. “Why?”

“Lexi, can I be frank with you?”

“That’s kind of your job.”

Dr. Turned put her book down and leaned forward a bit. “When you’re symptoms began you were focused on Jared. That’s why you didn’t notice them. You were young and in love and it's easy to misplace the highs and lows.”

“So you’re saying, you’re saying I wasn’t in love I was sick?!” She looked at Dr. Turner neary horrified.

“No, no! That’s not what I'm saying! Not at all! I’m saying it seems to me, Jared kept you grounded. When you were forced to cut contact, you lost your anchor.”

“So you’re saying this is Jensen’s fault?” Lexi asked even more confused.

“I’m not saying that, either.” Dr. Turner held up a hand. “Do you feel like it’s Jensen’s fault?”

“No! I mean, I was mad at him at first but I understood and I’m over it now.” Lexi pushed her long, now auburn hair back from her face. “That was the first and only time I’d ever really been that angry at my brother. See, aside from Ellie, Jared was my best friend.”

“And with Ellie off at college that left Jared. You began to go down and you had no one to catch you so you spiraled.” Dr. Turner” explained. “Lexi, tell me, when you hurt yourself, where were you?”

“Why?” She asked with a small shake of her head.

“You were at Jared’s?” The doctor saw the look of confusion growing on Lexi’s face. ‘Weren’t you?”

“How did yo-” Lexi shifted in her seat. “Uh, yeah, I, I to his house when he wasn’t home.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt safe?” Lexi answered with no hesitation but paused, a look of extreme horror on her face and tears in her eyes. “And he, he found me.”

“Did you want him to be the one that found you?”

“No, no, I just wanted to be somewhere I-I,” She quieted not being able to speak. The doctor saw her emotions flashing in her eyes as she recalled that day. “He sounded so far away but I could hear him screaming my name.” Her lip quivered as she spoke the sudden unexpected wave of emotions came down on her. “I could feel him grabbing me and begging me to wake up.” That’s when she broke. “Oh God, how could i do that to him? How could I let him find me like that?”

Dr. Turner moved next to Lexi and held her. “Because you had no control at that point, it was your illness, not you.”

“He had crap he has to work through, too. How could I be that selfish?” Lexi looked up at her.

“Lexi, when you aren’t medicated and your illness takes control, it’s not you anymore. I’m sure he knows that. If he is as educated in mental health as you say, i’m sure he knows.”

Lexi’s mind was spinning. She’d always wanted to keep Jared safe. She never wanted to drag him into the mess she called a life. She felt as if she’d betrayed him. As if she let him down in the worst possible way.

That was the last time Lexi talked to Dr. Turner in recovery. That breakthrough was what Lexi needed to truly clear her head. She was released from the recovery center but wasn’t ready to be on her own yet in L.A. Although Ellie would be there, she felt she wasn’t at the point to be around all her old triggers. Since her mom and dad were traveling a lot due to her father’s work, Lexi opted to stay at Jensen’s instead of being home alone in Dallas. Lexi much preferred to be around family than alone in a huge house. Not to mention Jensen wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Lexi would continue to see Dr. Turner in office one to two times per week and ground at least once a week. More if she felt she needed. Her group was similar to an A.A. group. Except instead of drinking the people were anxiety ridden. depressed self harmers. They even had sponsors of a type, “buddies”. Your buddy would depend on you in his/her times of need and vise versa. It gave them responsibility for their actions.

It had been two days since Jared was back in Austin having started filming again, and he still hadn’t contacted Lexi. So, being curious, that afternoon she made her way down the stone path along Lake Austin till she came up on Jared’s backyard.

He was sitting in a wicker patio chair with his guitar in his lap. Lexi smiled as she walked up the path listening to him strum. Standing just feet away she stopped and watched him for a while. When he glanced up and saw her he stopped playing. “Lexi.” He placed the instrument down and stood. “What are you doing here?”

“I got home a few weeks ago.” She said with her hands in her back pockets. “I thought you would have stopped by when you got home the day before yesterday, but-”

“I was- I did..” Jared shoved his hands in his pockets. “I pulled in the drive but never got out of the car.”

“How come?”

“I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t want to mess up your recovery.” He admitted looking at his feet for a moment. “I’d only seen you the one time in treatment. I didn’t know if you-”

“If I’d be pissed at you now?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you tell me you won’t push me away this time and you help me then completely disappear after I get released?” She waved a hand.

“You heard that?” He asked in disbelief. “You heard what I Said when you were unconscious?”

Nodding her head. “Most of it, yeah.” She took a step toward him. “Jared, can we talk?”

“Yeah. Come in, I’ll get you something to drink.” He motioned to the door as she followed him in. “Beer, soda, water?”

“Water is good. I’m kind of staying away from alcohol for now.”

“Of course.” He shook his head in realization as he grabbed a water from the fridge. “I’m sorry, I-’

“It’s okay.” She smiled softly taking the bottle of water from him.

They sat in the living room, Jared making a mental note of her physical condition. Her cheeks held a pink tone again and her lips were back to their red shade. She seemed to have more charisma in her although she did have a cautious air about her.

Placing her bottle down she looked at Jared and raised her hand to his cheek for a brief second before grazing along his stubble. “You look good, Jare.” She told him with an exhale.

“Are you okay?”

“Jared, I came here to tell you how truly, unbelievably sorry I am.” Jared gave her a confused look. “I didn’t think about how finding me like that-” Taking a pause for a breath she looked up at him. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.” She tried to hold back the tears that insisted on rising.

“Don’t be.” He told her. “I’m not.”

“What? How could-”

“Because if I wouldn’t have found you then you wouldn’t have been here today. I rather deal with that then putting you in a casket, do you understand me?” He told her holding her face between his hands. “Listen to me.” He gained her eyes and focus. “I heard you. I heard you before the paramedics came in. You said you were sorry.” Tears threatened to rise in his eyes. “You said you wanted to take it back.”

“You could hear me?” Her voice a whimpered cry.

“Always.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “I’ll always hear you, baby girl.” Touching his lips to hers for a moment he pulled back and looked at her. “Lexi, I love you.”

“Jared,” She looked down finding it hard to concentrate or even breathe looking into his eyes. When she glanced back up his eyes drew her in. His touches, swift and calculated, felt like fire through her body when he touched her. “My God, I’ve missed you.” She whispered between sweet, simple kisses.

In a mess of pulling and grabbing, they traveled up the stared to his bedroom dropping clothes from the door to the bed. All Jared wanted was to be inside of her again. He needed it like he needed air to breath.

Sliding into her Lexi gripped his arms burying her face into the crook of his neck, the scent of him filling her, heating her already heated flesh. She tangled her fingers into his silky long hair giving a slight tug, her hips rising from the bed as Jared grinded into her never letting the bodies part. Sweat beaded his forehead as Lexi pushed away the hair from his eyes, his lips finding hers easily.

Now they lay in his bed with the hot Texas sun shining in through the balcony windows. Lexi sat up, the sheet still pressed against her body knees to her chest. Jared laid with an arm behind his head and his other stretch out caressing her bare back with his calloused fingers.

“What are you thinking?”He asked her.

She stared into the bathroom. “How stupid I was.” She looked back at him. “How much I’ve screwed up over the past few years.”

Jared leaned forward pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “Don’t apologize for being sick. That’s something you couldn’t control.” Lexi looked into his eyes and a pang of guilt hit her. “I miss this. You and me, being together.”

“Me too.”

“But Jared, I have to be honest with you.” She faced him. “I’m not supposed to get involved with anyone for a while.” Looking down she felt Jared’s fingertips grazing her bare arms. “It’s part of my therapy.”

Leaning back he looked up at her. “I know.” Her eyes darted to him. “Well, I didn;t know but I had a feeling it would be.” He Cleared his throat shifting to the edge of the bed. “Listen, why don’t we get dressed and head downstairs.” He slid into his Saxx and grabbed his shorts. “I’ll meet you down there in a bit. Take your time.”

Lexi dressed quietly and made her way down stairs thoroughly confused. Rounding the kitchen she heard Jared talk and stopped just within ear shot. “Yeah, she’s okay.” She heard Jared say. “I promise I'll bring her back later.” Lexi took a step closer trying to see if she could hear who was on the other line. “Jay, i’ll keep her safe.” Jared turned and saw Lexi standing there. “I gotta go.” He pulled the phone from his ear and looked at her. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Were you telling him you just got done nailing his little sister?” She said hoisting herself up on the counter.

“No, I wouldn’t-”

“It’s a joke, Jare.” She said with a smile. “So what was this? Just a quick hit before it's too late?” She eyed him. “What’s going on? If you knew I had conditions to my treatment why didn’t you stop what just happened?”

“Lex,” He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the counter and sat her in chair at the breakfast nook. “Listen, I need to tell you something.” He walked to a drawer and opened it. “I took your journal.” He held he worn book in his hand.

“Why?” She looked up from where she sat unsure what he was about to tell her. “Why would you do that>”

He placed the book on the table and sat next to her. “When you were sedated, I - I read it.”

Lexi looked down at her hands feeling her anxiety bubble to the surface. “You did?”

“And I found the letters.”

She stood from the table feeling mortified as she carefully pushed the chair beneath the table. “I should, um I should go.”

“Wait, no.” He stepped closer to her and placed his hands on her arms.

She backed away crossing her arms over her chest. “Please don’t.”

“I’m sorry.” He held up his hands. “I- I just, this isn’t going how I thought it in my head.” He huffed.

“You’re having conversations in your head but, I’m the one that just got out of the nut house.” She shook her head. “Hell of a match, aren’t we?” After everything her sarcasm remained.

He then ran a frustrated hand over his face. “Can I explain? Please?” He held out a hand for her to sit back down with him and she did. “I’m trying to tell you that I get it.” She gave another unsure expression. “I just, I didn’t, I didn’t know I was, that you, ugh, damn it” He ran another frustrated hand over his face. “It was the same for me as it was for you.” He finally got the words out. “You kept me calmer, my anxiety was less, I felt like I could function on a whole new level when we were together. Even my bad days were good.” His confession poured out catching Lexi off guard. “I wanted to tell you that I know how it felt. It wasn’t just you. And, and being with you today, It was good to feel that again. Even if I know it won’t last.”

“Wow.” Lexi let the word out in an exhale. “I, uh, I think I should have went with that beer.” She chuckled.

“What? I, I mean, you’re not mad?” He asked astonished.

“Jared, if I was to trust my deepest more personal thoughts to anyone,” She reached taking his hand. “It’s you.”

Jared still held a guilty look. “I’m still sorry I invaded your privacy.”

“If you can forgive me for what I did, I certainly can forgive you for being so concerned.” Jared smiled at her and her heart fluttered. “Now what?”

“We focus on you getting better and know i’ll be here for whatever.”

“Jared you know I-”

“You don’t want me waiting for you, I know.”

He kissed the back of her hands. “Just focus on you, okay?”

Next Chapter>

TAGS: @saxxxyjared @xostephanie @onethirstyunicorn @dreaminemz @squirrelnotsam @jbbarnesgirl @thevelvetseries

#Jensen Ackles #Jared Padalecki #Lexi Ackles #RPF #SPN #SPNRPF #SPNFamily #Supernatural #Jared x OFC #OFC #OMC #Triggers #Angst

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thedevouress · 6 years ago

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Tmi rant because I need to vent, but you might as well get a backstory

(could be a panic! song title)

I hate having these moments I feel super motivated and start to get some things done, and manage to get a bit done, but then I just start to shut down again and then end up doing nothing for the rest of the day.

I wish I was able to exert the physical efforts other people do without feeling in pain and nauseated.. Like I should be able to shower without need to sit down and take a break cause my side starts to kill me..

I've been struggling with my health since my eating disorder and a bad drinking accident sent me crumbling. I've been gaining and losing and gaining weight trying my best to gain and maintain to improve my health.

So many hospital visits in the past 5 years I can't even count.. Or dont even remember some of them anymore. Endless nights seemingly in the hospital room hooked to ivs because my body couldn't support itself because I deprived it so much.

My recovery has been a rough process and I still have a ways to go since I'm still struggling today with it.. Right now my bmi is a problem, and I know it's adored here but it's putting my health back and I can't continue gaining as I am because it'll risk my health even more..

Like I have kidney stones at 20 lol had me recommended to remove my gallbladder, so many hospital visits, I shouldn't be this unhealthy it's physically scary.

It also had a huge deal with all the stress I've endured growing up and just living my life it's been super rough. I grew up in an drunk and abusive household, where I got hated because my mom was a drug addict flake and couldn't raise me and eventually my brother after she had him.

So I got hated because I reminded my grandma and aunt of my mother and so they took everything out on me when they were drunk so I ran away at 15 not being able to take it anymore, I've seen my aunt and mom physically fight while I'd run and cry in the backyard.

I've endured abusive boyfriends who'd slam me against the way and had wrapped his hands around my throat before. Being lied to one time after another and totally lead astray.

I've endured being on the streets with countless strangers who I couldn't trust. Super cold nights. Sleeping in fields and bushes.

Struggled with all the childhood trauma and having been abandoned by my mother for at least the first 14 years. I got all sorts of issues, mental and physical and it weights so very heavily down on my every day.

I've been all over the town and lost my sense of home, I've been it multiple houses even across town and far from my home town. I've been floating about for awhile now and it makes me feel empty and lost.

I'm depressed and suffer with suicidal thoughts and only have so much energy everyday to do certain things before I run out and just kind shut down and forced to recharge.

I try my best to maintain everything but most of the time I find it hard to even maintain myself and my health.. I'm failing most of the time.. And it's pretty hard.

But you guys... Have really kept me going and my head above water, kept me from drowning. I appreciate you all so much and it means to world to me to have your support.. I ain't ever had that before.

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satire-please · 6 years ago

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Take a Sad Song and Make it Better - Part 2

Batfam Big Bang Day 2 - Sick = Batfam member being taken care of or attacked by an army of motherhens.

Jason makes soup for some ungrateful shits

Part 1

“I hate you.”

“I hate you more.”

“But I hate you little shits most,” Jay says, shouldering the guest bedroom door open roughly, He slams the tray of soup and crackers on the bedside table between the two coughing, sniffing invalids. “Honestly, what kind of dumb fuck takes a swim in the dead of winter?”

“Screw you, Jason. I wouldn’t call being chained and thrown into the harbor a leisurely swim.” Tim says venomously. But unfortunately, he doesn’t look much of a threat when his lap is blanketed in white tissues. In fact, there might not even be a single space of the bedspread left not covered in the clumped wet balls.

It had been cold. So cold when the thugs shoved them off the boat. The water slammed against their chests like ice. Tim managed to get one breath in before the harbor creeps over his domino mask, his hair and to sucks them under. Tim has five minutes. He can hold his breath for five minutes. Has Damian been trained? How long—

Jay raises both his eyebrows, “Excuse me? This is the thanks I get? I slave all day in the kitchen for yer bony asses and instead of a single thank you, it’s screw you? Ouch, Babybird.” His hands motion grandly to the food tray.

“Must you poison us too, Hood?” Damian stares at the bowls with suspicion. “Have we not suffered enough as it is?”

The infidels had been clumsy, roughly chaining them back to back. A shoddy job. It should have provided loopholes, space from hurried mistakes, but alas they focused enough on limiting the use of their hands. The gang yelled when a new pair of black boots landed on the insufficient sailboat’s deck. The foolish men must have thrown them over as a hopeful distraction for the Bat. But as the metal links dig into Damian’s arms, quickly turning the same temperature as the bay, he knows they were wrong.

“Now why would I do that.” Jay crosses his arms over his chest, looming over first Dami and then Tim. “That’s a waste of food. If I want ya to die, I’d just shoot ya in the head. Save Alfred a grocery trip.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Tim says sarcastically.

“Aw shucks, yer welcome.”

Tim doesn’t bother kicking towards the surface yet. They tossed them in the shallows, this group doesn’t usually care about the efficiency of a kill but the fun of it. From reports, he knows the game is to cruelly toss victims in water only a few feet deeper than their prey. Giving an illusion of hope when they kick, hop, jump from the river bed. Only for them gasp and be helplessly pushed back down by oars or hands. The sadistic game can last for hours...until their playtoy finally loses strength or gives up.

He opens his eyes in the filth of the bay and peers around looking, looking...there!

Steam flows up from the bowls, the aroma quickly fills the room. Tim takes a deep breath, the smell tempting him, while a stomach gives a quiet rumble in the next bed. When neither boy makes a move towards Jason’s generous sacrifice, Jason shifts his weight to his hip and taps his foot with a scowl.

Damn it, he knows his cooking is legit, man.

“What? Wouldja like it to be Dick’s cooking instead?” Both bedridden boys look over to each other for a second, then to Jason, to the tray and back again. Then Tim and Damian frantically struggle as one to escape the sheets to get to the bowls first. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

The tension in Jason’s limbs, like they’d notice pffftt, finally eases as the bowls barely stay full for a minute. The moment they’re empty, he gives them a second helping and glares at Tim when he wrinkles his nose at the dish. “This is no time to eat like a bird, princess.”

“But I don’t need–”

“Don’t need nothing, ya need to give yer body the good stuff to fight. And ain’t ya lucky Dick’s off planet? He’d give ya the worst puppy eyes and be all over ya, both of ya for that shitty attitude.”

Damian and Tim shudder. Dick has always won the worst Motherhen award. Always. (Alfred is the sneakiest though.)

Damian puts his spoon down. He is...content, how odd. “I suppose that is a fair point. What I do not understand is how the two of us could be put in the same room, in a mansion such as this, forced to accept each other’s presence against our will during recovery.”

Damian conserves his energy the best he can. Watching the bubbles that escape him, minding his surroundings as his ears go numb. Their bodies jerk against the current as Drake suddenly drags them in the direction of his choosing. His slight height and longer legs give a mild advantage, but Damian does not hinder or fight Drake at a time such as this. Surely Drake has a purpose, a plan if he is as clever as Grayson has repeatedly claimed. He walks carefully backward, mindful not to trip on the debris and garbage littered on the harbor bottom. If they lose their balance, escaping to the surface will be more...difficult. His heel hits something hard and he twists to the best of his ability around Drake, a car!

“Alfred’s orders. He said it’s the perfect way to condense care and meet yer needs more efficiently. The man plays the best vindictive shtick if ya know what I mean.”

“It’s the spite. He needs it to stay alive and old.” Tim adds. He sets his bowl on the tray with a sharp clink.

Two minutes. The old beetle is brown with rust, one broken door floating on its hinges. It’s just what they need, Tim hauls them on the roof of the vehicle and stands on his tiptoes. His head breaks the surface of the water and he takes a greedy gulp of air. Smog has never tasted so sweet.

Then he feels the body lashed to his struggle and squirm violently.

“Robin? What are you–” And he notices it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the top of Damian’s head, his wet dark spikes. But that’s it. His face is still submerged.

Fuck.

No. Tim bites his lip, tearing it and moves his arms under the chains for any wiggle room. He sucks in his ribs, not on his watch. Not another Robin dying on his watch. He pulls the boy up an itch up his body, two...and leans over. He hears a wonderful, desperate gasp before his head goes back in the water. Good. That’s fine. He can stay under.

Besides Tim’s got another five minutes.

On the bed somewhere, something buzzes and vibrates. Tim pats the covers awkwardly until he unburies a phone.

It’s 7:30.

He promptly reaches across the bedside table. His fingertips nudging a small orange bottle until it slides and topples over. It rolls closer to the preteen. Success is his. “Meds, Damian. Every four hours remember?”

The younger boy huffs but drops the bottle into his lap, “You as well, Drake. I believe Alfred has synced our medication schedules for this purpose.”

“What purpose?”

“To ensure the other does not conveniently forget.”

“I’ve never done that!”

“I disagree. In fact, shall we pull up the records to call that bluff? I am certain Oracle or Alfred have some sort of accounts on the matter.”

“...No.” Jay guffaws at the cowed expression on Tim’s face. Little do these two know that’s one of his tiny jobs to keep the suckers alive today. Stuff their pills down their throats if necessary. How lucky for them that he just gets to be an extra eye, to watch them like a hawk, to take note of how Damian pops open the bottle and swallow his meds dry. But–

“Drake,” states Damian exasperatedly.

“What?

Jay adds his two cents with a point, “So what about them meds, replacement?”

“Oh.” Tim looks to the side. There’s a long sigh, but finally, the asshat puts down his phone to finally get the good drugs in him. Okay, so it’s a bit of a setup. Replacement ain’t got some pills but the fancy stuff since he’s you know, missing an organ. The IV stand almost leans against the wall, it’s needle already burrowed in the back of Tim’s hand. Tim opens the high-end antibodies and carefully feeds it into a tubing of the hanging IV bag. The dying light reflects off the clear fluid. Jay almost considers helping, since Tim lightly curses, his arm stretched awkwardly above him.

Nah. Replacement...no Babybird got’s this. He’ll get all stiff and offended if Jay steps in.

They watch as Tim’s posture goes lax. His eyes narrow in annoyance but soon he’s going to pass out and there’s nothing he can do about it. Gods, he hopes they don’t watch him sleep again.

They do it with this vindictive glee that he could do without.

Damian sniffs, but nods with approval, “Good. It would be ridiculous if you wasted away after what we had to endure in that last venture.”

There are no stars in Gotham’s sky. Not from what he can see being propped up over Drake’s back in this manner. His chest strains as his lungs finally fill. He could do without the idiotic trembles as his body submits to the cold, yet he’s avoided one death and that shall suffice him for now.

“What took you so long, Red Robin? Did you not notice our difference in heights until the last instance. I swear, that you could become any sort of vigilante is beyond me. But be assured, soon Father will finish and rescue us from this silly predicament.”

There is no answer.

“D-Drake?”

Their bodies bob slightly, Damian thinks of how the dead float.

“DRAKE!”

He rocks, flails until under the water his wrist is squeezed tightly. Oh. Drake is not dead...at least not yet. Father, no Grayson would not be pleased over his incompetent predecessor’s possible demise.

So he focuses on the sailboat and screams one word. “BATMAN!”

Jay looks back and forth between the two and smirks. Feelings, these boys are shit at them, but he bets if he put a gun to them, it would be a fight of who leaps in front of the other first. He puts his money on the demon brat, the jumpy monkey. He remembers how Bruce stormed into the cave, one bird in the crook of his arm, the other over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. How he yelled for Jason to prepare the medi-beds and Alfred taking in the pale skin of the two boys went straight for the emergency heaters.

It had been a rush.

A chance of sepsis is not fun. Neither is dealing with hypothermia with the pint-sized preteen. You would think being closer to hell, or his genetics would keep him warm, but no, Jay had to massage the circulation back into those toes so the kid could keep them.

It had been a close shave.

But they’re Bats. Surviving is what they do.

“Well girls, it’s time for a nap,” he pulls out a book. A real one. Like get these shits some real literature, “And I gotcha the best bedtime story, so shut up and listen.”

“I do not require such frivolous–”

“I said shut yer yap before I suffocate ya with a pillow.” He thumbs open the first page, “There we are, ‘It was a pleasure to burn…’”

Tim graciously gives a wet tissue to Damian to lob at Jason. Damian takes the ammo grateful, continues to take it as Jason proceeds to dodge. And be successful at it. His voice melodious and soothing in its own rough way. Over time, it causes Damian’s throws to be more erratic, wide...slow. It causes Tim’s shoulders to sink deeper into the bedding, a different kind of drowning.

“‘We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?'”

Yeah, Jay thinks he could do that. Be the best botherer in the world.

‘Bout time he got started on it.

#day 2 sick #BatfamBigBang #Batfam Big Bang #my writing #batfamily #bros being bros #sick #hurt/comfort #quotes from Fahrenheit 451

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