#ive decided hes just gaslighting again in that last one

[screaming-sparrow]

i forgave everybody, i gave up, i got drunk. (captain jack harkness and his relationship with alcohol)

[adventurer515]

Hii I recently came across your fangic Something in the static and got curious so I decided to read it! Only in the span of one day! (Had school on the next day) because apparently I'm Intruged! The way you write is just 🤌 *chef's kiss* and I've been really attached to human al and guardian luci's relationship which why the latest chapter completely ruin me! Oh my favorite chapter is definitely 18 and 19 how you write it is just out of my league! It really struck straight to my heart! And what hurts more is the last of chap 19 it really embed on my mind that even on school I can't focus on anything but that. I've been overthinking what would happen now and feeling bitter about luci and al parting and probably won't see each other again!

It hurt me really and what hurt me more is the frustration of thinking about the last chapter! Ehehe I've gotten out of topic but what I really want to ask is when will the last chapter be updated? I'm not pressuring you! Really just curious because I'm gaslighting myself that Al will possibly be given a second chance and will change for the better and then he and luci and of course his mother will meet and be with each other again and finally al and luci together! Gosh please tell me that will happen, for the sake of my mental health 🥹

Anyways that's all! Have a great day! Love your writing🫶

Aw thank you so much for your lovely comment!! I’m so glad you like the fic hehe and that chapters 18 and 19 are your faves!! Ngl even until now, I still tear up rereading the last part of chapter 19 😭 ive reread it countless of times at this point,,,

But anyway, chapter 20 posts later this week so you can look forward to that soon!! It may or may not give closure and may or may not answer some questions ppl have been asking since the fic started hehe

[suffarustuffaru]

hi so im currently coping with my finals by making more playlists to listen to. please take my offerings. yes. its more subaru playlists. the other two i made simply wasnt enough to hold the weight of my brainrot 👍

yes so actually ive spent like the past few years having like private pridebaru and greedbaru playlists to myself so i decided to finally refine them and add them to spotify yep <3 notes under cut.

yeah so in general i tried to have a balance of songs about subaru being Unwell and Not Having A Good Time and songs about subaru being A Horrible Person for the ultimate listening experience👍also if youre not a japanese speaker i once again recommend looking at the lyrics for the japanese songs because theyre very good lyrics ok.

so about greedbaru playlist!!! this is based on the greed if ln by the way yes so the playlist is roughly in order of the events going on there.

"inevitabilis" to "guns for hire": subaru accepts the contract with echidna. also yes i used "a sadness runs through him" again it is like. the quintessential ifbaru song for some of the ifs yes. looked in the wrong place for redemption and all that.

"circles" to "leech boy": greed if's arc 4 happens and everyone is Miserable now <3 "our word" is subaru learning to Gaslight and Gatekeep from echidna. "hole-dwelling" by kikuo marks um. that one scene in the greed if ln where subaru kills dream echidna and then has a mental breakdown over that. yes. "evil angel" is subaru capturing meili. you can probably read the "angel" in the song being either echidna, subaru, or elsa.

"are you satisfied?" and "literary nonsense": arc 4 is over yay!!! surely everything will be fine......

"bitter choco decoration" (by syudou) to "no body, no crime": nvm nothing is fine. this is the arc where clind tries to destroy subaru but subaru. Retaliates. so to speak. "sunset lover" is just referencing subaru's save scumming... "this kingdom is mine" is subaru figuring out the culprit killing him is clind.

"your obedient servant" and "someone gets hurt (reprise)": ottosuba divorce. otto leaves subaru.

"everything stays" to the end of the playlist: subaru establishes the official greed if emilia camp by manipulating felt into leaving + reinhard into joining the faction yay!!! "anger" and "drywall" is in reference to subaru punching a wall remembering otto. and its also referencing greed if subaru having "good" days and "bad" days.

this playlist is a loop if you compare the last two songs with the first two songs.

pride playlist!!! its shorter but still a banger. in my honest and nonbiased opinion. also genuinely i listened to a lot of these while writing pride if fanfic like two years ago so thats also why theyre here HAH.

"once upon a dream" to "open up your eyes": subaru has his whole 88 first arc loops of hell where he keeps trying to brute force killing elsa 👍also i thought itd be horribly funny to put a spin on my mainbaru playlist by putting in "never ever getting rid of me" and "magia" in there alsdjfljsdf

"oh ana" and "hellfire": subaru "meets" reinhard.

"stalker's tango" to "partners in crime": subaru does more pride if things 👍joins the witch cult, makes plans, teams with elsa, etc etc.

"a story told" and "hey there delilah": subaru manipulates ferris. :(( you could probably also see the "delilah" as reinhard or emilia too.

also i use "theyre only human" again - in the greed if playlist its to reference echidna and subaru talking with each other in the dream world / through the crystal. and also because subaru is very Detached from everyone around him. thats also why its in the pride if playlist!! and "a story told" is in both playlists because. well subarus a little mansplain manipulate manwhore.

"death ballet 2nd" to the end of the playlist: yeah subaru burns down the whole country and wins at all his goals. everyone gets fucked :<<

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

november is just really shitting on me.

scrolled thru fb this morning and saw someone who i considered a friend has cut the hair the other half of that rapist pair.

now let me tell you guys why this exceptionally hurts my feelings in a way that made me nauseous and have a severe panic attack at 3am.

it wasnt bad enough that no one believed me, but after i outed both him and her as rapists, he decided he was magically a trans women. AND IN A TEXT HE SENT ME HE ADMITTED HE WASNT TRANS AND IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GET WOMEN TO TRUST HIM AGAIN AND TO NOT BE EXILED.

so i got called a transphobe for the last six years, despite my closest relative being transgender and having dated several trans partners. and i even showed people the text.

AND THE EVEN MORE UPSETTING PART HERE IS THAT HE NOT ONLY RAPED ME, BUT TWO OTHER WOMEN I KNOW

AND A FUCKING SIXTEEN YEAR OLD AT HIS JOB.

and the full circle moment too is she (the hairdresser) called it a "gender affirming cut" and i unblocked so i could see the comments and he literally said it was nice to feel like a boy again.

YOU FUCKING RAPEY PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT HAD PEOPLE FOOLED AND IM THE ONE WHO HAD ALL THE CONSEQUENCES, FROM BEING YOUR VICTIM TO BEING GASLIGHT BY THE ENTIRE FUCKING COMMUNITY THAT THE MESSAGES YOU SENT ME WEREN'T FUCKING REAL.

im so close to truly jumping off a bridge right now. now ive seen them both, just living, when they should be dead. my rent situation is still a thing. and a restaurant i actually enjoyed eating at is closed (if youre not eating disordered that probably seems trivial, but it's really not)

okay.

i told her since she wanted to be a fucking bitch about me dating my now ex, i was keeping the same energy and returning the favor by telling her shes an apologist for associating with him at all, bc she damn well knows. keep the same "fuck you" energy yall had with me for dating someone yall just didnt like.

fuck everyone. apologist shitbags.

[lqfiles]

HELP SORRY FOR OFFENDING U WITH THE HAECHAN COMMENT 😭😭

no bc if my thoughts on most vs least attractive members to me got leaked i would like get cancelled by the entire community oops 🙈

IVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE SHIT TASTE IN MEN AND MY TASTE IS INCONSISTENT TOOLIKE okay we’re not gonna offend more people sorry guys 😭😭

but haechan haechan THERE WAS THIS ONE REEL I GOT and i was like “holy… he’s mad fine…” and that reel and IDK WHICH LIVE IT WAS BUT HE WAS DRINKING (probably every one of his lives but idk he looked so fine in the clips + edits i’ve seen of it) RE-EVALUATING MY THOUGHTS ON HIM FR. like i’ve always seen him as like more adorable than like… hot/handsome in that way… DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?? IDK AM I CONFUSING HELP WHY AM I DEFENDING MYSELF OOPS

if jaemin and renjun ever do decide to start a cat twitter account i am their first follower 🫡🫡

JAEHYUN BEING SO OLD MAN CODED. does he crack dad jokes… i feel like he would

skin products are such a scam honestly i’ve tried TOO MANY THINGS AT THIS POINT. people always say oh it goes away as you get older but some days i feel like it gets worse and worse. I LOVEEE GASLIGHTING MYSELF ABOUT MY ACNE I’LL BE LIKE… omg there wasn’t as much breakout as there was last week!!! it’s getting better and then the next week it breaks out even worse than before 💀💀 hopefully!! i am still trying my best to get rid of it 💪💪 💕💕

- 🤠

LMFAOOO NOOO OMG WAIT IM NOT OFFENDED TRUSTT i’m able to accept that we don’t find the same people attractive 😓 my oomfs got interesting taste in men too.. we don’t all get each other and that’s okay 💗 i kinda need you to show me your ranking tho.. let me judge you 🤨

THE FACT THAT I JNOW EXACTLY WHAT LIVE YOURE TALIJNG ABOUT BECAUSE I HAVE LIKE 100 PINTEREST PICS SAVED OF THAT LIVE LMFAOOO, it’s the one i used for the haechan as boyfriend headcanon right? i get you tho because haechan loves to be seen as a baby girl like he thrives of the aegyo and being a princess.. and his behaviour is just over so playful and childlike but me personally i’ve BEEN thinking he was hot ever since that one teaser picture of the earthquake mv where he had that cut on his nose and was manspreading.. i was never the same again..

DAD JOKES ARE HIS SPECIALTY!!! such an old man in such an attractive body, he’s such a loser i love it. renjaem cat account and then renjun also gets included in jaemin’s youtube videos EXACTLYYY

LOLLL GASLIGHTING YOURSELF IS SO FUNNY 😭😭😭 my sister always says to not touch it because it will only make it break out more but i quite literally can’t help it like sometimes when i have breakout i’ll touch my face and feel that spot and try to press it away and urghh just annoying.. YOU GOT THIS THO DONT TOUCH IT TOO MUCH AND YOULL BE FINE I THINK 💗💗💗

[excusethequality]

My 2023 in Film

Part 7: 301-End

I made it to the end! Perhaps in 2024 I should do this monthly and save myself from running this gauntlet again in a year? Probably only matters if anyone has actually been reading all this. Anyways, it was a busy year for movies. Don't think I'll reach those numbers again. In any case, welcome to the end.

Link to Part I

Link to Part II

Link to Part III

Link to Part IV

Link to Part V

Link to Part VI

301.

The Secret of Roan Inish (1994) ---Fantasy Family Drama

A young Irish girl begins to learn the magical secrets in her family's history after she is sent to live with her grandparents in a rural fishing village. [+]

302.

Boys from County Hell (2020) ---Horror Comedy

Construction workers accidentally unleash an ancient evil when they decide a highway bypass is more important than ancient traditions. [=]

303.

How to Build a Girl (2019) ---Coming-of-Age Comedy Drama

A high schooler decides she's sick of who she is and reinvents herself in order to get a job as a music critic. [--]

[while I didn't care for the movie at all, I feel compelled to point out that it is based on a fantastic novel of the same name, so please don't judge the book based on this.]

304.

The Marvels (2023) ---Superhero Adventure

Saving the universe has just gotten a whole lot harder when Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel, and Monica Rambeau become entangled and keep swapping places. [=]

305.

The Last Duel (2021) ---Period Drama

Two former comrades in 14th century France accept to use a duel to the death in lieu of a trial after one of them is accused of raping the other's wife. [=]

306.

The Spy Who Came in from the Cold (1965) ---Thriller

During the Cold War a British spy accepts a dangerous mission where allegiances are always being tested and nothing is as it seems. [=]

307.

Under the Silver Lake (2018) ---Mystery Drama

When his enigmatic neighbor disappears an out-of-work loser goes to great lengths to try and find her. [=]

308.

Captain Fantastic (2016) ---Comedy Drama

A man has been raising his kids off-the-grid in the forests of Washington. But after the death of his wife the family must journey into the real world to attend the funeral. [+]

309.

Umma (2022) ---Horror Drama

When a Korean mother immigrates to America with her newborn daughter the pain and trauma she experiences will create a cycle of trauma that threatens to reverberate down from one generation to the next. [=]

310.

Wait Until Dark (1967) ---Thriller

A gang of criminals attempt to gaslight a blind woman when they come to suspect a hidden illicit package was delivered to her by mistake. [=]

311.

Strictly Ballroom (1992) ---Dance Romance Drama comedy

A ballroom dancer determined to upset the status quo must look outside the usual pool of candidates for a partner in his intended revolution. [=]

312.

The Kid Detective (2020) ---Mystery Dark Comedy

A former kid detective finds a chance to prove his worth and make up for his greatest failure when a real murder case lands on his desk. [+]

313.

Her (2013) ---Sci-Fi Romance Drama

A man falls in love with his sentient new AI operating system. [=]

314.

Once Were Warriors (1994) ---Drama

A Maori family in New Zealand struggles to do what's best for themselves and their family in a world where poverty and generational trauma threaten to turn them all into their own worst enemies. [+]

315.

Just One of the Guys (1985) ---Comedy

A high school journalist is convinced that she isn't getting a fair shot due to her gender. In order to prove her hypothesis she disguises herself as a boy and enrolls at a neighboring school. [=]

316.

Klute (1971) ---Mystery Thriller

When the police fail to find a missing person a small-time private eye is hired to do his own investigation. His only real lead? The man's connection to a mysterious NYC sex worker. [=]

317.

Shane (1953) ---Western

A former gunslinger tries to start a new life for himself, but his desire to leave violence behind him is tested when he encounters a group of poor homesteaders who are being threatened by a ruthless cattle baron. [=]

318.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) ---Animated Comedic Fantasy Adventure

Puss in Boots has learned he is down to his last life. In order to avoid taking stock of his life and legacy he decides to undertake a desperate quest to find a magical wish to grant him another 9 lives. [+]

319.

The Skeleton Twins (2014) * ---Drama Dark Comedy

A pair of estranged twins are reunited when one of them attempts suicide. [++]

320.

Ugetsu (1953) ---Period Fantasy Drama

During Japan's Warring States period two men are desperate for different fates than the ones they were dealt. However, when they get their chances they find that perhaps their dreams come with steep prices. [+]

321.

The Blackening (2022) ---Horror Comedy

A group of black friends rent a cabin for their annual Juneteenth reunion. However, this year they have an unintended guest: a crazed murderer! [=]

322.

The Book of Henry (2017) ---Family Crime Thriller

After her genius son dies, a mother discovers his last request of her: to kill their neighbor. [--]

323.

Tenet (2020) ---Sci-Fi Action

When a CIA agent encounters a strange new technology during an extraction mission he is thrown down a rabbit hole of conspiracy, terrorism, and time travel. [-]

324.

Old Joy (2006) ---Road Trip Drama

Two old friends who've grown apart reunite to take a weekend trip to a hot spring in Oregon. [+]

325.

Forrest Gump (1994) * ---Drama Adventure

An odd man whose life has a strange habit of interweaving with American history recounts the story of his life as he waits for a bus. [+]

326.

The Lady Vanishes (1938) ---Mystery Thriller

An English tourist is returning home from a European vacation when she encounters a strange and potentially deadly mystery. After waking up from a nap on the train ride home she finds that the old woman she had befriended on the train has disappeared. What makes matters worse is that no one else on the train seems to believe that this woman ever existed in the first place. [+]

327.

The New King of Comedy (2019) ---Comedy Drama

A woman struggles to achieve her dreams of being an actor while everyone around her tries to get her to quit. [=]

328.

The Innocents (1961) ---Horror

An adaptation of Henry James' "The Turn of the Screw", about a young governess who becomes increasingly paranoid that something supernatural may be haunting the grounds of Bly Manor and threatening the welfare of the young siblings in her care. [=]

329.

Petite Maman (2021) *

See #295

330.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007) ---Period Drama

The story of the events leading up to 19th century American outlaw Jesse James' death at the hands of Robert Ford. [+]

331.

Looking for Her (2022) ---Queer Holiday Romance

Taylor is shocked to learn that her parents have invited her and her girlfriend to Christmas for the first time since she came out to them. There's just one problem: her girlfriend and her have since broken up. There's only one solution: put out an ad for someone willing to pretend to be her ex for the weekend. [+]

332.

Merry & Gay (2022) ---Queer Holiday Romance

A broadway actor goes home to her small town for Christmas for the first time in years. Her friends and family decide this is the perfect opportunity to get her back together with her ex. [=]

333.

Single White Female (1992) ---Thriller

A woman needs to get a roommate and it all goes great until it doesn't. [=]

334.

Chocolate Babies (1996) ---Queer Drama

During the AIDS epidemic a group of queer activists in NYC take extreme measures to fight against the politicians who would rather be part of the problem then the solution. [+]

335.

Beans (2020) ---Coming-of-Age Drama

A young native girl tries to make sense of her life during the 1990 Oka Crisis that threatens to change her view of the world forever. [+]

336.

Gemini (2017) ---Mystery

The personal assistant to a Hollywood starlet must take extreme measures when an incident with her boss forces her to get to the bottom of a mystery. [-]

337.

The Bad Seed (1956) ---Horror

A mother slowly begins to suspect that her little girl might actually be evil incarnate. [+]

338.

La Haine (1995) ---Coming-of-Age Crime

After a riot in a poor French suburb 3 young men come across a gun. Now feeling empowered they spend the day attempting to open doors that used to be closed to them. [+]

339.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) ---Animated Fantasy Adventure

A brother and brother plumbing team win up getting transported to a fantastical world. Now because of reasons they are the only ones who stand in the way of a warlord's quest for love and power. [--]

340.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) * ---Holiday Comedy

A family man's quest to have a perfect old-fashioned family Christmas soon becomes a madman's obsession for an impossible dream when Murphy's law begins to take hold. [+]

341.

Spontaneous (2020) ---Coming-of-Age Magical Realism Rom-Com

A class of high school seniors are forced to deal with their uncertain futures earlier then they planned when they begin to inexplicably explode. [+]

342.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023) *

See #156

343.

Anna and the Apocalypse (2017) * ---Holiday Coming-of-Age Musical Horror Comedy

A group of high schools try to make sense of their future in world that seems on the edge of collapse...and that was before all the friggin' zombies showed up. [+]

344.

Hogfather (2006) * ---Holiday Fantasy

It's the night before the midwinter celebration of Hogswatch on the Discworld and an assassin has just enacted a diabolical plan to kill the Hogfather. Now it's up to Death and his granddaughter Susan to find a way to save the day. [++]

345.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988) ---Horror

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to camp the camp killings begin again. [--]

346.

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989) ---Horror

Trying to get away from camp's history of brutal murders the camp holds a special social experiment by bringing teens from both rich and poor families and have them learn from one another through the power of camp fun. Too bad the killer is back and just so loves killin' campers. [-]

347.

Werewolves Within (2021) *

See #150

[newfruits]

i want to play acnh but the controller drift is unbearable and i dont have a spare $100 to buy new ones. also im depressed.

[blookmallow]

ok FINALLY heres the last. pile of stuff from deltarune sdgjgfg

sad 

YES 

oh my GOD im so glad they’re ok and apparently got back into my pocket again somehow 

rouxls thou art an absoluteth liar 

god i wish that were me 

thanks ralsei for your wisdom 

MAYBE NOT 

i hate this thing but also the fact that i was given no say in whether to take it or not and it’s Here Now And There’s Not A Goddamn Thing I Can Do About It probably means kris either wanted it or wanted it to spite me or both and either way, well played, good for them lmfao 

ive been waiting the entire chapter for this 

gaslight gatekeep girldad

anyway i cant BELIEVE she isn’t actually lancer’s mom. maybe she is and is just being a brat about it but it doesn’t seem like it. why does she look SO MUCH like him and his dad. lancer acts like he takes after her already. like why would she NOT be his mom, toby, answer me this 

though i did see someone’s theory somewhere that queen divorced lancer’s dad before lancer was. born. or. made. or whatever he is and wherever he came from. and she keeps, to this day, taking things in the divorce, long after the divorce. she took the kid in the divorce years after said divorce and it’s not even her kid sdgsdg

i definitely love that her immediate response to seeing lancer was just “alright ive just decided: im your mother now” 

what the fuck is this about i need to KNOW 

noelle’s dad just delivering an absolute one hit KO on his daughter here 

MOM HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKING SHIT 

THERE THEY ARE!!!!!!!! THERE THEY A R E 

i was so fucking hype about napstablook i didnt even notice all the prisoners are the dogs from the walk up to snowdin fsdjgdsg

imprisoned for dog crimes 

i dont remember what happened here that caused them all to get loose but i didnt get a chance to interact with them. oops. next time 

i wont. for you, my beloved 

i really like that somehow in this bizarre alternate world where even bratty and catty aren’t friends... somehow... napstablook still inexplicably became besties with undyne anyway 

mixed messages here 

deputy napstablook...................

napstablook and undyne buddy cop comedy when 

i missed the shots of it apparently but thank you toby for allowing us a small scrap of alphyne as well

well, well, WELL, if it isn’t sans undertale 

he won’t sell you anything unless you put it in a basket and the baskets are stacked so high its impossible to get them. this is a terrible store. i missed you so much 

napstablook back... alphyne hints... sans running a ridiculous store again... soriel flirting... nature is healing 

asgore oh my fucking god NO 

i wonder why they divorced in this universe though since the whole. thing with the. y’know. human sacrifice. didn’t happen, presumably 

i guess that probably means they were fundamentally noncompatible in some other respect even outside of that context/were never meant to be even in an alternate life 

proud of you buddy but also deeply terrified of whatever’s going on behind the counter there 

[slumps sadly against the door] please, i know you’re in there

I’m right out here for you, just let me iiiinnnnnn 

my heart hurts im so worried about mettaton

like. presumably if he never met alphys. and. won’t come out. he’s probably still a ghost and never got his dream body. so he’s just hiding in there. please... honey darling sweetie gravy let me help you let me hold you 

he said something like “show me something entertaining tomorrow” so im hoping with my entire heart that means we’ll be able to do something for him in the next chapter 

um  

im still really scared but toriel is still an icon

o K A Y 

does this mean the next dark world is going to be made from toriel’s house. chariel is going to be a character now im calling it right here 

anyway uh i have no fucking idea what’s going on still but this chapter was really good and even better than the last one and im finally like, proper invested in this

what is HAPPENING though like. its becoming pretty clear that the player is the Soul and is controlling kris, a separate being entirely, against their will. that’s why when they rip it out we can no longer control them or see where they go or what they do. but it clearly hurts them severely to tear it out and they can barely survive without it. and if we can assume kris was the one who slashed toriel’s tires... why?? that doesn’t make sense as something they would break our control over them to do

[omegawolverine]

Wanna infodunp bout sumthin? Plz do (respind whenever you wanna dont even worrg bout time here)

this has been sitting in my ask box for like a week now and im so sorry about that but also the last time i posted an info dump (which, for me, means bitching my ever loving heart out about the subject, because i genuinely find it incredibly difficult to speak fondly of things i enjoy without just going "yeah i think its neat!" essentially and then forgetting all the reasons why i like it) somebody came into my replies to break the dni i made in that post, invalidate my trauma and then say i was gaslighting them for stating my own opinion so um. yeah ive been a bit hesitant to say the least, considering hot takes are basically how i show my love for things :)

but, i have now decided to just post my least inflammatory take on one of my hyperfixations in response to this and then just. leave bc i dont wanna get into drama over my dumb little opinions again.

anyways, quick dni: dont even fucking touch this post if you're going to be aggressive with me, you don't use tone tags when making corrections or criticisms or you wanna just trash my opinion. ultimately people can do whatever they want, im just expressing my own annoyances as someone who has been in the IT fandom for awhile and has some complaints as a result (as im sure most other fans do lol)

moving on...rant time:

stan uris and richie tozier are canonically best friends in IT and the erasure of their friendship in favor of appealing to reddie fans is fucking gross and weird, especially bc stan is then chalked up to just some mean jewish kid who likes birds and is annoyed by richie 25/8 instead of having an actual fucking personality in every reddie fic just bc fans want so badly to make reddie best friends to lovers and its just?? yall can make reddie best friends to lovers WITHOUT erasing stan's canonical personality. yall can make them best friends to lovers while still acknowledging that stan and richie are canonically best friends and that stan canonically was an incredibly important person to richie.

this also goes for bill and eddie btw!! its just significantly worse with stan which reads Very Wrong when you take into consideration that fic writers always write bill denbrough as a sweet little white boy who everyone's at least a little bit in love with but then write stan as this rude jewish boy who's always mean and critical of richie for just being himself (and a lot of those "annoying" traits i see people make stan give richie shit about are adhd traits, which also rubs me wrong?? like why are so many NT fic writers so comfortable with calling my ND traits annoying) which isnt even canon?? like. canonically they poke fun at each other, they call each other names and say stupid shit but not to the extent of actually hurting each other because they are best friends and they know each other to the point where they know what boundaries the other has, they arent just making passive aggressive comments at the other and then going "it's a joke bro!" when/if the other gets upset.

also?? the trend of making "fix it" fics for IT chapter 2 where eddie is revived/doesn't die but stan does and is then only brought up in passing? not fucking cute. dont call it a "fix it fic" if the only "fix it" is you reviving a character for your fucking ship, especially when the other dead character is the BEST FRIEND of 1/2 of the ship? like. what. do yall just think richie getting married would somehow fix the fact that he lost the person that he was closest to? because, news flash, the person he was closest to was not eddie. they were very close friends, richie fucking loved the dude /p and /r, but stan was canonically his best friend and was canonically the person richie was closest to like?? what is not clicking omgggg

stanley uris is an incredibly fucking important character in IT and he is especially fucking important to richie goddamn tozier. you dont just get to ignore richie's best friend and write him into this mean jewish man box because his actual personality doesnt serve your ship like for the love of fucking god stan does not need to be there to create angst for your fics, he doesnt need to be there to make your hurt/comfort piece where you make stan borderline abelist just so richie can run and cry into eddie's scrawny little arms like im begging you to just write something where the hurt/comfort doesnt come from stan being a douchebag because canonically he was not one. he was a good fucking friend, he fucking loved richie and they got each others weird asses like nobody else did.

like. idk. ultimately yall can do what you want with ur fics i guess but also it's just fucking weird if you ask me?? and maybe that's just because im a dumbass richie kinnie who absolutely adores stan, but as somebody who loves reddie and reads reddie fics regularly, it is so goddamn annoying to only see my other favorite character written in to be mean, create angst or just be fucking dead time and time again when eddie is revived and then not even written accurately half the time bc he's not a fucking fragile dude who needs help all the time either, he's a shouty little cunt who know's he can be fucking dangerous if he wants to be and he doesn't hesitate to dish out some nasty ass comments if given the chance. just please for the love of god stop writing these characters ooc its killing me fr-

(btw i know most of this shit is just done by accident and its mostly done by movie stans who havent read the book, it's just still annoying to me, ya know? and this whole post is /nm, i just talk like this bc it's what comes naturally to me!! this is how i complain about literally everything, regardless of how big the issue is so dont take this too seriously pls)

[savnofilter]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[angelyuji]

BAU - Types of Yandere

ive gotten back into my weird yandere phase and ive seen literally no yandere bau so ive decided to make my own headcanons on them ;) im gonna do the og team + tara lewis, since im only on season 11. i’m not gonna do anything nsfw unless requested. enjoy!

TW // DARK THEMES, ABUSE, GASLIGHTING, JUST BAD THINGS!! i do not condone any of this behavior!!! this is just for fictional purposes!!!!!

Spencer Reid:

calculated, resourceful, patient, emotional/extremely jealous

he’s gonna fall fast. u could literally do one nice thing for him and hes hooked.

he’ll watch u for sure, pictures of u will cover some secret area in his house

he won’t try to kidnap u, unless he feels like he has no choice.

u get a gf/bf? he’ll panic and grab u.

remember: he has an iq of 184. hes smart smart, so he’ll probably get away with ur kidnapping

if he has u,he’ll be patient then too. probably lock you up in a closet or empty room till uve calmed down.

if u calm down and pretend to love him, he’ll honest-to-god be the best boyfriend

he’ll read to u and treat u like a literal queen, with limitations, of course... until u earn his trust

hes literally the smartest babie so he knows how to break u if u dont listen or if ur trying to escape

good luck trying to escape becuz ur in the hands of a genius and he probably has plans to either: a) prevent u from escaping or b) bring u back if u escape.

Aaron Hotchner:

resourceful, sadist, calculated, strategic

he probably met u at a coffee place or at the park, ur gonna talk and he’ll be smitten but the way u interact with jack will make or break his obsession

if ur good with jack, then ur done. ur his now. sorry i dont make the rules.

if ur bad/not good ig? with jack, then he’ll slowly distance himself and u’ll be free :)

holy shit, he does not mess around

unlike spencer, hotch has social skills lol

he’ll probably try to get close to u and then show his true colors slowly.start showing, very very manipulative

if u start dating, he’ll rush for u to move in and try to get u to slowly only depend on him and only him.

if u don’t fall in love, he’ll maintain distance and slowly integrate himself into ur life until he is THE most important person in ur life.

if u end up dating someone else, he’ll try to get u to break up with them and try to make them seem like a bad person.

if this person is ur eNdGaMe, ur gf/bf might end up dying in a weird accident and ur going to wake up in hotch’s spare guest bedroom, tied up on the bed. sooo... sorry.

anyway, once hotch has kidnapped u, there is a 50/50 chance u can escape successfully, but in the end, u’ll be back in hotch’s manipulative arms in no time.

jack will be the no.1 manipulation tactic. ex.”jack sees you like a mom,u can’t leave him”

if u do escape, good luck staying low, hotch will find u no matter where u are on the globe.

Derek Morgan:

sadist, quick tempered, manipulative, quick-witted

morgan has literally one of the best social skills on the team.

u are his gf/bf. u have fallen for him. there is literally no way in hell u didn’t

he is the king of smooth (lol thats the dumbest shit ive ever written)

but like once u guys are dating, he’ll start controlling you.

he doesn’t have to manipulate you becuz ur just gonna listen to what he says

if he tells u to stop talking to ur friends, ur going to stop talking to ur friends

if he tells u to not wear that dress, ur not wearing that dress

morgan doesn’t have to kidnap you becuz you’ll willingly move in with him becuz he’ll make u dependent on him and only him

there is no chance you’ll escape becuz u’ve been gaslighted into being his

sorry babie, you’re out of luck.

David Rossi:

listen, out of all the cm cast, i cannot see rossi as a yandere. maybe like a platonic parental figure yandere but like...romantically? ill write for both tho lol

manipulative, phD in gaslighting, toxic, obsessive

Platonic:

he is a helicopter parent on STEROIDS

you wanna go out with ur friends? who are they, what are their names, where do they live? what are their parents names, address, and contact number?

if rossi doesn’t like any of ur friends? holy shit don’t even bother asking to go out, you’ll only get him mad.

toxic parenting TO THE MAX

literally if u don’t listen to what he says, he’ll shame u and degrade you. ex: “you’re so stupid, y/n! didn’t i tell you to put the dishes in the dishwasher AFTER rinsing them? Do you not have a brain in there?” 

he’ll try to not physically hurt you, but if push comes to shove *shrug*

if ur 18, honestly fucking RUN. get into a college as far away as you can and get a job vastly different from his. so you’ll never cross paths

rossi will check in tho at least once every day

if anyone’s bothering you? you won’t see them again

ur boss is being a dick? he won’t be at work tomorrow or ever again.

if u decide to go back home, don’t bother getting a ticket back cuz once you go back to rossi, there is no going back.

Romantic:

parent rossi but romantic instead of platonic basically lol

manipulative, toxic, obsessive, abusive

he’s controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive

god, hes awful

he will make u feel like shit for wanting to hang out with someone else or if you want to leave his mansion

he’ll make u feel like he’s the only one for you.

ex:”no one else will love you like i do” or “who will anyone love you? ur a mess you shouldn’t even be outside!”

you can try escaping, since he’s gone and he “trusts” you to stay home, but there is 89.99% chance you’ll be caught.

Penelope Garcia:

sensitive, jealous, emotional, possessive

omggg yall are probably friends at first

so easily jealous abt e v e r y t h i n g

you can mention how you had brunch with a couple friends. “are they better than me? u never have brunch with me? why do u always hang out with them?”

god forbid you try to defend urself, “are you mad at me?” immediate tears.

then ur apologizing instead of her.

if ur dating? she tracks everything, ur phone, bank accs, where u are, what u watch. (incognito is ur best friend)

but even then,she knows everything ur doing,no matter the time of day

you can easily escape Penelope tho

shes not out in the field much, so as long as u stay off the grid, you’ll be safe.

the only person she trusts you with is the BAU team, so if you escape

be warned that they’re going to look for you too.

Jennifer Jareau:

possessive, obsessive, kind, deceptive

she’s a mild one honestly

she treats you well, and asks you out + dates you like a normal person

but sis believes that u are the only one for her

if you try to break up, “YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME. ILL DIE WITHOUT YOU”

of course, thats not true, but you can’t risk it.

jj is probably the safest one to be with, she won’t endanger anyone unless she has no other option.

you won’t need to escape either, you have freedom and everything in a normal relationship.

you just can’t leave. thats all.

Emily Prentiss:

obsessive, protective, strategic, patient

holy shit, emily is the worst. like jj, she’ll let you have your freedom

you can go out, but emily comes with, she chooses what you wear, and where you go.

“youre going to wear that? are you sure? cuz that color makes you look fat. you should wear that one dress i got you.”

“baby, stop wearing make-up, you look like a whore.”

“the beach? ill come too. i can’t trust you to take of yourself.”

you probably met at a club and clicked

if you try to break up, “you want to break up? go ahead, leave. who would want you, other than me? you’re pathetic and stupid. no one would ever date you.”

she’ll break you down till you only depend on her, so don’t bother to escape.

you won’t have the will to try anyway

Tara Lewis:

mild, protective, calculative, gaslighting

honestly, tara is the last person i see as a yandere, but she’ll be a lot like jj

she’ll give you freedom and everything in a normal relationship, except if you don’t listen her.

tara is controlling as hell, so if you disrespect her or don’t listen, she’ll break you down and make you question your own sanity.

she’s incredibly protective and she plans like 20 steps ahead (a lot like spencer)

be a good gf/bf, and tara will be good back

be disobedient, and you’ll regret it

if you plan right, you can escape.

tara has to be out of town and you would have to be in her good graces to be allowed out when shes gone, but if the stars have aligned in your favor... you have a small chance of escaping

if she didn’t get help watching over you from the team.

thanks for reading! hope you liked! I take yandere requests as well as normal character requests! nsfw/sfw are both okay!

[dwellordream]

On the other side of Sansa IV, Sansa is once again referring to Jeyne as a ‘child’ for her tears, albeit for a very different reason. Before, Jeyne was distraught over seeing Ser Hugh killed before their eyes. Now, she’s distraught over the fate of her father, despite Sansa’s attempts to reassure Jeyne that Cersei will let her see him again. Sansa admits that she herself was terrified two days earlier (and still is, judging by the way her fingers ‘feel thick and clumsy’ as she struggles to dress herself for her meeting with the council) and was locked in this tower room with no idea what was going on outside, though she could hear men being killed all day long.

After the first day, Jeyne was thrown in the room with her, claiming Sandor Clegane broke down her door with a warhammer and presumably had her brought here. Despite her current irritation with Jeyne, Sansa and her did try to comfort one another that first night, and went to sleep ‘cradled in each other’s arms like sisters’. Tellingly, Sansa is not thinking about Arya right now, either because she genuinely has forgotten about her sister, or because she is actively avoiding thinking about what might have happened to Arya, since it’s obvious something terrible has happened to Ned and Septa Mordane. Sansa has been asking repeatedly to be allowed to see Cersei all this time, though her pleas have gone ignored. Interestingly, the Lannisters don’t ring the bells officially announcing Robert’s death to the city as a whole, until after they’ve dealt with the last of Ned’s soldiers and are certain their hold on the throne is secure for the time being. Sansa doesn’t know Robert was injured during the hunt, or at least doesn’t know he was mortally wounded, and wonders if he was murdered (he was, just not directly). Sansa worries Joffrey may be dead as well, and for her father, since she has no idea where he is or what’s happened to him. She dreams of siting beside Joffrey on the throne that night, dressed in gold, while everyone pays their respects. This is the role we’re going to find Cersei in this chapter as the queen dowager, intending to rule through her son. When Boros comes for her, Sansa notes that he now wears a Lannister broach on his Kingsguard cloak, an obvious declaration of loyalty to Cersei, not the Baratheon regime. Cersei initially told Sansa she was being locked in a room for her own safety, but is frightened as Boros leads her out Maegor’s Holdfast, seeing a corpse in the moat. When she realizes the council is all in black mourning clothes, she feels a sense of dread, despite already knowing Robert has died. Cersei’s gown in particular stands out to her, black with rubies like tears of blood down the front. Also, interestingly, in Targaryen colors, and possibly a pointed reference to Rhaegar’s armor during the battle of the Trident. Cersei is annoyed when she realizes Jeyne was locked up with Sansa, obviously worrying Jeyne may have already told Sansa the truth about the Lannisters’ actions, though fortunately for her Jeyne also had no idea what was happening, and even if she had, Sansa probably wouldn’t have believed her. Sansa begins to feel real alarm when her questions about Vayon, Jeyne’s father, are ignored, Cersei instead passing Jeyne off on Baelish, who will ‘find a place for her’ that’s ‘not in the city’. Jeyne is to be told that she’s being taken to see her father. For Jeyne, this is just the start of being sex trafficked by Littlefinger and kept as a backup pawn in case the Lannisters need her for something, but Sansa has no idea what’s going on, and her sense of alarm only grows. She seems to sense Cersei isn’t being truthful in the least, trying to reassure the queen that Jeyne ‘hasn’t done anything wrong’ and is ‘a good girl’, but Cersei dismisses her concerns, and reminds Sansa of how much she and Joffrey ‘love her’. This praise temporarily appeases Sansa, who is so relieved at the thought that Joffrey loves, up until the council explains to her that Ned is a traitor, and show Sansa the letter Ned meant to send to Stannis, offering him the Iron Throne. Despite this ‘proof’ Sansa refuses to believe her father would ever do such a thing, and begs them to let Ned explain things. Cersei twists this into telling Sansa that they know she is innocent, but her father is a traitor, and she must prove her loyalty, as she already did by telling Cersei about Ned’s plans to send her and Arya from the city. Sansa now reveals that she snuck out to do so that morning before the Lannisters moved against Ned and his household, believing it was for the ‘love’ she bears for Joffrey, and explaining that Ned wouldn’t listen to her questions or complaints. She initially wanted to ask Robert himself to command Ned to let her stay, but decided she had a better chance of success with Cersei, and ‘poured her heart out’ to her. Then she was taken and put into her locked room, and the fighting began a few hours later, while Ned was oblivious she was even missing in the first place. The council’s cooperative gaslighting and manipulation of Sansa is pretty sickening. Varys, Pycelle, Cersei, and Littlefinger all work together to guilt and mold Sansa into denouncing her family then and there, as Cersei reminds Sansa that ‘the blood will tell’ as Arya’s did when Nymeria attacked Joffrey. Sansa protests she is nothing like Arya and doesn’t have Arya’s ‘traitor blood’, begging them to consult Septa Mordane... who is already dead. We then hear that Sansa is the best reader and writer in the family, or at least better than any of her brothers, even Robb and Jon. Still, she balks at the idea of writing to her family that her father is a traitor, and Pycelle warns her that it ‘will go hard for them if you don’t. Sansa offers to talk to Ned, even as Cersei dangles the prospect of marrying Joffrey before her, and Cersei turns on her in an instant, telling Sansa a loyal girl would not want to speak to a traitor. Sansa begins to cry, begging to know if Ned has been harmed, but no one will tell her what may happen to him, only that it’s up to Joffrey. Sansa then decides her only chance to save her father is to plead his case with Joffrey, who may then go easy on him, and that if her family rebels, her attempts to save Ned from execution and eventually have him pardoned will be ruined right off the bat. With this in mind, she hesitantly agrees to write the letters as Cersei commands.

When she is brought back to her room, Jeyne and her clothes are gone, but the room feels ‘colder’ without her presence. Sansa decides to read her favorite stories to distract herself, and then, as she is falling asleep, realizes all at once that she never asked about Arya’s whereabouts or safety.

[littlesunchaos]

hell I almost died

I was busy this couple of weeks with family events, school events and everything so I wasn’t spending enough time on myself and apollo and he’s been calling my attention for 3 days straight so today I decided to lit a candle for him. But the fire was so little, it's like it’s about to die. I was like “are you mad at me?”, no response so what I did is played his playlist that I made and drew something, still no response, and the candle light still small, I was like “shit I'm so dead”. So, what I did was close my eyes concentrate on the candle and said “please talk to me and tell me everything.” then I got a respond, 

Apollo: “I was mad because the last time you called me you forgot about me because of your stupid math problem I mean why did you call me when you were so busy and not notice me anymore? when you realize that I was gone you just laugh at it and go with what you're doing.”

me:”ohhh is that what your mad about?” at this point I'm trying not to smile I'm controlling myself to you know not gaslight the burning rage already. (what happened that time was I laugh because I thought he leave because he was bored. In my head, I thought of him saying “uhh gurl this boring imma dip”. He always hangs out with me even when I'm doing something else, but that moment I really did forgot about him and then I noticed that the candle fire was gone and I let it be because he might not want to be back because I thought what I'm doing is boring for him)

Apollo: “and one more thing with Hercules? he was calling on you right? and that confuses you between me and him you were considering me to be him and you ignored me for 3 days! 3 days!! I had to give you a lot of signs for 3 days that I'm me! for god's sake! my sake! Ive been giving you signs that I'm me since the day I called you!” 

I was like “yeah I sided you on that I turned down his call, I thought-I did not ignore you I was just busy and I thought maybe you don't want to be with me yet because I might bore you, I always say hi every time I see your signs” 

Apollo: “and! you told me you were going to wake up every morning and spend time with me this couple of weeks Ive woke you up how many times before 7? huh? you just look at the clock and get right back to sleep!” 

I was like “I'm sooo sorry please don't be mad at me :< I did not ignore you I always say good morning to you each time I wake up but I’m so lazy to go out doe”

Apollo: “whatever”

but eyy the candle fire was back to its normal height now I forgot to take a picture of it because of him of course I was scared, we fine now he was cute but I'm never gonna do that again if he sends something imma go.

I just wanna say when he’s mad, he did not give that “you're so dead” energy, he’s giving a me an energy of a teenage guy best friend who’s having a tantrum because you forgot that every Friday is a movie night. maybe because I am soft the first time he called me I said no because he gave me that super masculine energy like super mighty energy like “I strike the arrow to send pandemic to the humanity” when I read that I was like “no, no, no, no, thanks”. and then the second one every article that I read about him he was like by many people, he was a charming god like this and like that but he really is doe he really is.

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[feelinggspost]

My abusive relationship with a narcissist lasted almost 2 years. Although I’d estimate that we only lived together about half that time. I spent the other half leaving him and trying to stay away until he somehow convinced me to come back. People have judged me in the past for staying, but they just don’t realize it’s different with someone like him. He didn’t accept it gracefully and let me go. In time he was almost as obsessed with me as he was with his control over me. Leaving would challenge his narcissistic beliefs that he was the greatest person in the world. When deep down, even he knew the truth. He was woefully insecure. Always feeling down so he had to drag me down with him. After all, misery loves company. He didn’t see the world the right way.

My narcissist’s name was Steve. He caught me off guard. At first I found him charming. The sweet words he said to me healed many scars left from my past. When I was with Steve, I felt beautiful just like he told me. I cut a path through a field of red flags to be with Steve. Sure, he made hurtful jokes now and then, but at least I had someone who wanted to be with me. As our relationship progressed, he showed himself to be cruel and hateful, and after months of pain and misery, I left him for the first time. My friends and family eventually grew tired of helping me get over just to see me go back to him. They assumed it was where I wanted to be. A narcissist will use every trick in the book to change your mind, whether it’s about leaving them or even the tiniest of arguments. If they can’t have things the way they want, they project a world where they already have it. Steve was, by far, not the smartest man I ever met, but his ability to gaslight me was outstanding. He told me I was unattractive and that no other man would want me.

He struck at the deepest core of my insecurity, feelings of being unwanted and failing, and I’d given him the ammunition to do it. Looking back, I remember the times he was so attentive. He wanted to know everything about me. He called me gorgeous and smart and funny, and I drank his words with the thirst of a dying man. I trusted him and he used all the information to his own advantage. He knew exactly which buttons to push, hell, sometimes he pushed them all at once. Steve played on my fear, shame, and vulnerability and used them all against me. He made me feel like he was the only one in the world who cared. He was a hero who saved me from a cold, hard world of misery, and I believed every word he said. There was a long pattern where I left him, something went wrong in my life, and Steve was there to catch me when I fell. Narcissists make it sound like you need them. They can’t imagine not being the center of your world, and they will do anything, good or bad, to get your attention. Steve used to call my phone over 80 times per day if I didn’t pick up. When I blocked his number, he used Facebook. When I blocked him there, he used email. After I blocked his email, he got messages to me through well-meaning friends. Steve threatened to hurt me and my family countless times, he even threatened to commit suicide several times. The first time he did, it stopped me in my tracks. I still felt responsible for Steve then, the man I made more important than myself. He took full advantage of my compassion. Even though part of me doubted his suicidal intentions and his threats, I let him in time and time again anyways. He never left, though he threatened.

I knew I didn’t love Steve about halfway through our relationship, but his tricks were enough to keep me coming back for more. At this point, I pitied him. For some reason I felt bad for him.

Steve said it was us against the world. And as the number of friends and family on my side dwindled the longer I stayed with him, I wondered if he was right. Narcissists want you all to themselves with no pesky friends getting in the way to talk sense into you. I wouldn’t have listened, anyway. I hadn’t before. My brainwashing was complete. The last time I left steve, I didn’t even like him, much less love him. I’m not sure what was special about that day. I didn’t wake up knowing it would be the last day I spent with him, but for the first time, I followed the intuition that screamed at me for so long to leave. My gut told me it was time to go, and I finally listened to it. My life was worth something, I just knew I shouldn’t be there for one more day.

Steve used every trick he had. I’m sure he thought it was only a matter of time before I “came to my senses” and came back. He cried on the phone because he didn’t want to be without me. He demanded I come back right that instant. He came to my home and threatened me. By the time he said he wished he was dead, I was in tears but still firm. “No,” I said. “I’m never coming back.” When he was out of my life, I began to live again. I finally saw steve the way my friends and family had seen him for so long before. I’m grateful I had the time and distance to look at him objectively. His narcissism was off the charts and borderline dangerous, but I couldn’t see that from inside his world. Getting away from Steve was not easy by any means, but blocking him from all aspects of my life was crucial. If he’d had access to me, he could have manipulated me, again, into doing what he wanted. Being on the receiving end of a narcissistic relationship made me think i was crazy. Above all, I don’t blame myself (entirely) for staying in a toxic relationship for so long. Some people will never understand why i couldn’t just pack up and leave at the first insult or bruise or lie, but dealing with a narcissist like Steve was more complicated than that. It took every ounce of strength to rise up and decide i AM worth it, after being called a worthless bitch by the person who supposedly loved me. Narcissists make you feel like you need them, but in reality, they feel terrified because they need you WAY more than they will ever admit. If I were to give any piece of advice to anyone dealing with a Steve, the word that I would wish is clarity. Being able to see things clearly is half the battle. The other half is the strength ive always had inside of me, and that includes the gut feelings telling me to get away. Intuition will never steer you wrong. I am enough. I am beautiful. I am the farthest thing from worthless. Deep down, i know what is true. And I’m glad that I finally let the truth guide me to freedom.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hhhhhhxh

more abt hxh bc my last post was too long n i had to split it off holla

so i left off talking abt when gon woke up....i love how polite gon is to pretty much everyone - hes such a good lad all the time. s/o to his aunt for raising him right (tho i think hes also just a rlly good boy inherently too)

also is he named gon bc ging was like ha ha im boutta be GONe lol seeya kid!!!! like ????

i find it interesting that kurapika and hisoka fought....we really havent seen them interact at all yet. also hisoka is so smirk-y i hate that bitch...what did he say to kurapika?????? 

this poor red shirt old guy lmao hisoka is SO clearly uninterested in fighting him and then he fucking dies. rip mdude

what did hisoka whisper to HIM??? guess we’ll never know #RIPLegend

oh mannnn if killua had just won against pokkle then he wouldnt have had to deal with illumi doing That to him :( my smug son......

leorio is such a good dude....also its so funny to me how tall and lanky leorio is, espec compared to the other 3 main characters lmaoooo

or maybe those 3 are just rlly short??? i mean gon and killua are literally 12, but whats kurapikas excuse

GODDDD I HATE THIS BIIIIITCH. FUCK OFFFFFFF tho the evil piano music slaps. but jeeeeesus illumi is so creepy and awful, and seeing him take off his disguise is not any better a second time...he and hisoka truly deserve each other wrow

does illumi have hair powers??? cause it kinda looks like it. or maybe hes just gay and dramatic 

ok but the sick electric guitar riff (?) that played when illumis face was revealed was lowkey kinda hilarious

man i was so wrong abt killua knowing that that was illumi :( poor kid

killua is immediately freaking out and meanwhile illumi looks bored as hell. dude ur the worst 

killua: [freaking out] illumi, completely blank-faced: hey 

I HATE HIMMMM even tho his catman design is regrettably kinda cute

why do illumi and hisoka both have such snatched waists i hate this

wtf so killua has another different brother??? i assumed he attacked illumi....how many fuckgin zoldyk sibling are there?????

leorio ur too normie for this conversation lmao. also wow fucked up family huh

killua looks so like...small and helpless, which is so at odds from what we’ve seen of him so far :( this poor kid

illumi totally has some weird brain powers man callin it now 

gon: wow killuas family sounds wack...  satotz: oh lmao you havent even heard the rest 

KILLUA ;_; 

this poor baby assassin :( :( :(

IMMM INCONSOLABLE. HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS W/GON.......ARE YOU KIDDING....AUGHHHHHHHH

meanwhile gon decided he and killua are BEST FRIENDS like 10 mins after they met. GOD 

like in the recap ep he called killua his best friend ;_; and meanwhile killua doesnt even think they ARE friends god destroy me 

this calming classical music is throwing me off vbhjfjhbsdkgndks

i sense that leorio and kurapika are rapidly acquiring a new son

DAMN THIS IS SO FUUUUCKEDDDDD illumi is such a crusty bitch wow. leave killua alone asshole 

all that stuff abt killua like, only thinking he wants to befriend gon but really wanting to kill him....that sure sounds like some ‘worst fears’ type of shit for someone like killua....illumi is such a classic abuser wow

i have 2 know is satotz like, repeating this entire conversation verbatim in a calming monotone to gon rn. like....

LEORIOOOOO I LOVE UUUUUUUU AUGHHHH him telling killua it doesnt matter if illumi is his brother, fuck that guy, beat him up as usual and leave.....ooooughhhh leorio is such a good dude ;_; 

and the OF COURSE him saying the obvious - that gon and killua are ALREADY friends....i love this, i feel like leorio said all the exact things the audience is thinking...yet it still didnt get thru to killua bc hes so rattled by illumi appearing, and the abuse in general 

i think if gon were there things wouldve gone much differently 

of COURSE crusty bitch illumi is like oh ok now i have to kill gon.....biiiiitch i hate uuuuu 

also that just shows that hes lying to killua (which we already knew obvs), bc if it were inevitable that killua would kill gon to like, test himself or w/e, then why not just wait for that to happen? that would have a much bigger impact on killua than illumi killing gon....its obvious that illumi is just manipulating him, but killua is too BSOD to be able to tell (also, hes 12)

ok bitch illumi is preaching abt not needing friends but he and hisoka are definitely fucking and theyve been teamed up for the entire hunter exam it seems.....what a hypocrite. hate this guy

god im so glad we didnt rlly get to see whatever the fuck illumi did to that random hunter examiner guy’s face. jeeeeesus. also i cant tell but i wonder if him forcing that info out of the guy was the result of his freaky mind powers or if the guy was just like oof ouch pins in me face

LEORIO AND KURAPIKAAAA THE PROTECT GON SQUAD!! and joined by new member hanzo!!! who ironically beat gon up for 3 hours str8 like, a very short amount of time ago lmao. but still i love that sm

illumi u dumb bitch.....tho i dont buy for a minute that he didnt already realize that killing gon would disqualify him...he defs just wanted to get under killuas skin even more :^( 

KILLUAAAA ;_; when he goes to step back from illumi but illumi tells him not to....ughhh HATE this guy, leave this poor kid alone. no wonder he wanted to leave

illumi saying theres only 1 way that killua can stop him - does he mean by killing him, or something more specific, like some forbidden zoldyk murder technique? 

‘your beloved gon’ wow gay. theyre 12 and theyre dating ok. killua is literally that kid whos like wow i wonder if gon likes me...and meanwhile gon is like wow cant believe me and killua have been dating for 3 months now

leorio saying ‘we wont let him kill you or gon’ ;_; leorio ily sm...thats like the exact right thing to say - hes offering protection and reassurance as an adult figure...unfortunately killua is clearly too freaked out to even process anything outside of illumis gaslighting and abuse 

also illumi is defs doing something to killua w/his eyes via his freaky mind powers. js

illumi i hate you stop being weirdly cute. augh 

classic abuse tactics, being like ha ha nvm i wasnt gonna kill gon! jk!

killua just shutting down completely after that :( :( noooo

and then he kills that old guy and leaves, ‘proving’ that illumi is right....noooooOOOO

and now we boutta see gon go FULL shounen protag for the first time, oh FUCKKKKKK yesssss

this is the first time we’ve seen gon angry oooh man and of COURSE its on killuas behalf,....im so fuckign emo already looooord

god ok the episode preview where its gon saying ‘do leorio and i look alike?’ YES U DO LOL youre father and son so jot that down 

oof, gon and illumi have such fundamentally different POVs on like, family and life and morals, and you can tell by their 4-line exchange before gon does the ICONIC one-handed grab’n’fling

AUGHHHH gon saying hes gonna rescue killua....SO good...he recognizes that killuas family is wack as hell and killua shouldnt be w/them - the classic ingrained ‘found family is more important than blood family’ stuff

tho thats an interesting contrast to gon himself, whos looking for his deadbeat dad

‘but it wasnt his choice’ that so good ily gon BEST boy, hes so perceptive and good......he knows that killuas hand was forced and that he needs to be RESCUED (love that word choice) from his shitty abusive family

of course kurapika and leorio voiced complaints ;_; best parents 

kurapika should be a lawyer tbh 

leorioooo ;_; such a good dude, saying he should be disqualified instead 

HOW is leorio a stronger combatant than that old dude hvbajufjbsja that guy had some moves it seemed, and leorio has,....a knife? a briefcase? the classic premed attitude of ‘fuck it, i could die anytime, lets do this’? like.....cmon vhabjdfjbhsf i refuse to believe this man is of any use in a fight. ill believe it when i see it

pokkle pls ur not plot-important enough to be jumping into this convo rn

tho i am curious abt what hisoka said to kurapika. tho i agree that thats irrelevant to the discussion 

gon repeating satotz’s wisdom :’) and saying that killua will definitely pass if he takes the exam again...ough

gon is SO GOOD i cant get over it !!!!!!!!! AUGHHHH....recusing killua from his abusive family and making it so killua never has to see them again is like...so good. what a good good perfect boy.

also thats like, the perfect response to this. killing illumi would just start a ton of drama, and killua would be conflicted abt that....but removing killua from his situation is perfect 

ok ive ranted a lot ill talk abt the rest later woohoo

PREDICTIONS: 

i predict that hisoka will show up in this upcoming zoldyk arc somewhere bc illumis gonna be in it (i assume) and theyre dating. also hisoka is a central character so itd make sense for him to show up in the second major arc. tho tbh this could end up being completely false and i wouldnt be that shocked lmao

i think leorio is gonna get Big Sad someday bc hes like, so normal compared to the other MCs, and also hes suuuuch a bleeding heart (i love him....) so i feel like thats gonna lead to some sadness for him once his friends start doing crazy shit or w/e 

also i predict that if he gets nen itll be like healing nen or st. does that even exist??? idk jack shit abt nen lmao 

i think that illumi has hypnosis powers or something, even just based on design alone. it could defs be for aesthetic (character design in hxh is wild), but his eyes look noticeably different from any other characters. also he was doing some freaky shit to killua. also i held this prediction before seeing the part where this is brought up so we’ll see if its right lmao 

as for this upcoming arc -  ruth and i are wondering if itll be similar to the vinsmoke drama in one piece - character goes back to abusive family, squad goes to rescue them...and then character refuses to be recused. w/sanji it was partially bc the vinsmokes threatened to kill zeff, his TRUE dad, but i predict in this case it could be more like the zoldyks saying ‘look killua these 3 weirdos showed up looking for you, convince them to leave or we’ll kill them’ and killua will be like, oh shit bc like.....think abt it. the vinsmokes targeted zeff (and not the strawhats) bc they knew they could easily kill him. same goes here, i assume - a family of trained assassins vs Good Good Fishing Rod Smell-Power Boy (who hasnt thrown a single punch yet), Lanky Dr Man With A Switchblade We Havent Seen Him Use Onscreen, and Mx 2 Wooden Sticks, Bloodlust, and Arachnophobia - 3 For 1 Deal! its a no-contest. so thats one thing i could see happening, potentially 

im way too tired to remember my other predictions rip lmao