#ive dealt with this kinda thing in the past its

[celestialmancer]

❌ //

[superscourge]

erm. uh. augh. idk if this counts as a vent bc its gonna be vague and not rly "venty" per se but im putting it under a readmore just for good measure bc its like, slightly heavy, and also i feel somewhat silly for it bc its about scourge to an extent lol

anyway erm.

i was thinking about it and i realized theres a reason why i like scourge so much, outside of him just interesting me as a cool villain who is also extremely lame (one of my favorite tropes)

this may just be me reading too much into things and giving too much credit to my over-analysis of his character and headcanons and such, sure. but like. how do i put this. i feel like..i can feel for scourge on a personal level, at least when it comes to his situation with his dad. heres the heavy part of the post

im gonna try to be as vague as possible here to keep it short and also kinda to protect myself but like. i have really bad parental trauma involving my dad. its not the same as scourge's situation ofc but it does involve like, abusive situations. so without rly getting into it thats part of what draws me to scourge as a character--i feel like i can like...almost. cope? with my trauma? through him. and that made me realize how actually important scourge is to me, because of that.

ive done this with a few other characters in the past--dealt with my trauma through fictional characters with daddy issues--but scourge feels different because he Killed his dad. and man. sometimes i just think.

anyway ✌️ thats all from me bye

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, today Ive read chapters 9-12 and honestly, at a certain point reading this book while knowing all the spoilers stops being frustrating and starts just being funny. Like, Ianthe brings up the fact that people are gonna want to kidnap Feyre for "breeding" to which Tamlin says that no one is gonna dare do that to Prythian's Saviour because then theyll be on the shitlist of the other six courts, but Ianthe says that Rhysand could and would do it because hes The Most Powerful(tm) and hes really manipulative and yeah. shes right. Obviously I know this is gonna be treated as unreasonable and as foreshadowing of Ianthe being evil all along, but shes totally right

Anyway, Rhysand continues to be unbearably annoying but not in any particularly interesting way, so I dont really have anything to say about him. I hate how hes so powerful that six courts all working together would be no match for the night court and he comes across as sooooo insincere. Like, I often talk about not being the biggest Feylin fan because its pretty boring to me, but atleast it was like, sweet because of how genuine and endearingly awkward Tamlin was

Speaking of Tamlin, guess who just keeps getting worse and worse? I had some hope for him when he reduced the guards and gave Feyre more freedom, but then he doubled them again and he did that thing with the barrier around the manor so yeah. Now, if I wanted to be a pedantic asshole I could point out that he listened to Feyre (who managed to very clearly tell him what she needs at the moment, freedom, which was great) and they were doing fine until Rhysand came back, but as much as I would like to blame Rhysand for everything, Tamlin's actions are still his own. And honestly, I find Tamlin keeping any guards around Feyre after what she told him very unreasonable

I think keeping Feyre safe has become a coping mechanism for him because he couldnt protect her from Amarantha back then so now hes trying his best to protect her from Rhysand (and others, but mostly him rn) who was essentially Feyre's very own Amarantha, and obviously its not his fault that thats a coping mechanism he developed, but it is actively making Feyre upset and making it more difficult for her to heal as well, and hes the older one in this situation, hes the guy whos dealt with intense trauma before, he should be listening to her and giving her space

The only thing where I'll kinda take Tamlin's side is him locking her in the manor when he was going to the western border and Feyre wanted to follow them, but even then the force field was way too much. But also, to me it very much seemed like he and Lucien were in a hurry to leave and it was a very hasty spur-of-the-moment decision, but also it felt like the narrative was trying to demonise him more by impling that it was more of a calculated decision. Like, idk thats the vibe that Lucien explaining to Feyre that everyone but her could pass through the shield gave me, but that might just be a personal thing. I mean, Tamlin is clearly being demonised here either way, him being so unreasonable is something that I find very OOC even with the recent trauma hes experienced. But, theres a lot of buts in this paragraph i know, I do also want to acknowledge that Feyre would likely not have wanted to go with Tamlin to this conflict-zone if he had listened to her wayyyyyy earlier and not doubled the guards again. I recognize this kind of behaviour because I also felt like I had no agency over my situation in the past and Im also a very stubborn person, and it lead to me also doing more and more reckless things in an attempt to make the people around me actually listen, and make them understand how serious I was about getting out of the situation that was upsetting me

(In case youre worried, Im completely fine now and Im leaving out a lot of detail for the sake of my privacy and so I can draw a cleaner parallel)

Speaking of Feyre's agency, chapter 12 ended with her having a panic attack because she was trapped and then Mor and Rhysand showed up and Alis just gave them to her??? First of all, insane behaviour, second of all, I hate that Rhysand is meant to be the choice guy or whatever but wont wait for her to come of her own volition. I think it wouldve been better if she had that panic attack and it ran its course and then she either called for Rhys or Mor or managed to winnow to the night court herself and thats how she got there. Also, and this is part of the same issue, I hate that Rhys is the one who originally forced her to read. I think at some point Feyre shouldve realised that all the people in the spring court are withholding information from her but!, she realises that they write shit down sometimes and exchange messages and whatnot so knowing how to read could really help her here and maybe she even thinks about Rhysand taunting her about teaching her UTM, so next time shes at the Night Court she demands that she be taught how to read herself

Because honestly, right now it seems like she has the same amount of agency no matter what court shes in, which is basically none

I was gonna end it on that snappy one-liner, but then I remembered all the stuff with Feyre losing weight and how Rhys remarks upon it and how Feyre notices herself getting thinner as well and I dont have that much to say about it, I just wanted to say that it just made me incredibly uncomfortable

But yeah, now Im done for realsies

[juice-dscp]

.gonna be serious for a second here about the last couple years of my time on stream

.kinda long so its under the cut

.long story short: im doing ok now

.i still get asks and messages from people asking if im doing fine, which, yknow, fair, ive been pretty inactive lately so i dont blame yall

.so thanks to you guys, sry that i never got around to replying to all of you. just know its appreciated

.for those who arent in the loop: past couple years on the dscp stream i did a lot of dumb and stupid things, along with some other stuff that happened relating to the bowl game (which i wont get into here) .just know those involved with that situation have been dealt with and i no longer associate with them. while i cant say anything specific, the game is still going well, and ive managed to find some more trustworthy people to help me manage everything

.so yeah. again, im all good now, took some time away from stream to get everything sorted out, but if everything goes well we should be back to your regularly scheduled stupidity

.so dont worry lmao. ive seen a few of yall worry that ive disappeared, but nope! im still here

.ill be posting this on twitter as well, just putting this here first cause i know the majority of dscp fans (aka the people who have worried abt me the most) are on tumblr instead

.but yeah. i know me making a serious post sounds super weird, trust me, i feel the same way, all i wanted to do was give yall an update on whats been going on

[sixsidedsex]

September 4th 2024

I dont know how coherent this is going to be. Im just going for a whole stream of consciousness thing. Ive included the date on this because I dont know when or if my feelings will change. I like to keep track of things

For who this is for. Its an ex partner of mine. If you see this, which I doubt you will, I want you to know that these are my genuine feelings laid out as candidly as possible. 

I think its a testament so how upset I am that im writing a letter to you at all.

So. I loved you. Very much. It wasnt a lie when I said i never felt the way i did with anyone than with you. You felt like everything to me. You can imagine how it felt when you split on me.

Issues I wasnt even aware of, problems I was willing to solve. All ignored in favor of a split second decision

I think I should have dealt with the grief then and left. But then you came back and I felt relieved. It was a chance to redeem my mistakes. Mistakes I didnt even know I had made

And I was willing to work through that with you is the worst part. I was willing to talk and work through My issues to make You feel comfortable. That is how much you meant to me. But you drifted and drifted without a damn word. It took me literally almost yelling at you to get anything out of you.

You can imagine my fucking heartbreak when you said you “didnt want to do this anymore” and that it was because i was “trying to change you”

Yknow i think part of the issue is your stubbornness against change. Because that what makes a fucking relationship work. You change each other for the better and its a wonderful thing. But youre too damn stubborn to admit you were wrong

It wasnt my fault. I dont care what you think. It was Not my fault.

Now let me address some of the problems I had with that conversation

I couldnt do anything to remedy you “feeling sick” around me. I cant do anything about that. But you assuming i felt the same was complete bullshit. I wasnt sick around you. I was aching for you if anything. Because i missed you and wanted our relationship back to the way it was. I loved you

A fucking part of me still does.

And its disgusting that I would be willing to talk again. But youre just not that kinda person.

Another issue was with the change thing. I didnt want to actively change you. I wanted us to both be better. 

But youre selfish. Uncooperative. Stubborn in the worst way possible.

Im not going to bullshit you when i think your brother was part of the problem. He obviously didnt like me and obviously had issues with your past relationships.

But that is not my fucking burden to carry. I shouldnt have to carry the weight of your brother’s, his friends’, and even his god damn Mom’s judgment. 

I think his attitude has definitely rubbed off on you. I mean it.

I know I used it as a “gotcha” in our final conversation but. I do think some kind of therapy would help you. 

Another thing i want to address is you saying you were “doing this for my wellbeing”

Bullshit.

I dont care if you were doing it for yourself. If you were doing it for yourself i wouldve respected that more. The fact that i had no say in my own decision to trust you again is insane. 

Part of me really hopes you never come back

The other part of me really hopes you do. And that youre sorry. And that if you are ill forgive you.

I dont know.

Its horrible that i miss you.

At least i have college to distract me

-Nico

[thiives]

SMALL ADDITION TO MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION LIST

i neeeed to fix my record player and get back into silk screen printing! i have so many ideas for small runs of simple grungy shirt designs i can do at home. also i want to build up a music library with everything that moved me through the years. as i m posting on tumblr rn the foundation of that collection is pretty much the embodiment of my 2014 tumblr era ... which was ( to be fair ) a pretty defining time for me, too.

LANA DEL REY — BORN TO DIE, ULTRAVIOLENCE self explaining if you knew me for 5 minutes ...

HALSEY — BADLANDS, MANIC, NIGHTMARE i have tattoos for all of them, and manic was a surprise. i didn't like it at first and ended up calling it therapy in 2019, which might have been one of my worst years so far

THE BLACK KEYS — BROTHERS the first album i actively listened to and still one of my all time faves !!!! sinister kid for life

GREEN DAY — AMERICAN IDIOT THE BROADWAY RECORDING idk if or where to get this yet but i basically grew up on the green day albums the musical is made of and the first time ive seen billy joel armstrong live on stage! just holds a special place in my heart

TWENTY ONE PILOTS — TRENCH although i got into the band with blurryface, i ended up with trench on the loop! my best friend and i cried like babys at the concert

BON IVER — FOR EMMA, FOREVER AGO another one of my earliest favourites and it still gives me a very special, melancholic feeling

ARCTIC MONKEYS — AM blueprint and milestone for my style and music taste development?!

GORILLAZ — PLASTIC BEACH, DEMON DAYS also a very early found of mine and filled with so many bangers i hold close to my heart

AMY WHINEHOUSE — BACK TO BLACK not every song moved me as much as the other but it just feels right to have that one

OEL — ÜBER NACHT the first band my brother and i 110% agreed on and it will forever make me feel like home

WOODKID — THE GOLDEN AGE the golden age of my video game addiction indeed. i also started running with their songs.

ANNENMAYKANTEREIT — ALLES NIX KONKRETES a little cringe but it WAS the soundtrack to my sturm & drang times in cologne. oh my god is this a reckoning?!

MODERAT — III just. bliss.

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE — CEREMONIALS lungs was great but this was wicked, my guys. a must have for me.

FUNKADELIC — MAGGOT BRAIN i'm loosing my mind over this on a daily basis ngl

CHET BAKER — CHAT BAKER SINGS as i still feel like a jazz newbie, chat just kinda speaks to me?? the resemblence is also striking and idk sometimes it just feels like there's my past-me singing ...

SON LUX — BRIGHTER WOUNDS of ALL the great son lux songs and albums that accompanied me through the years, this strikes me the most!

MELANIE MARTINEZ — CRY BABY product of its time, adorable and important to me

THE NEIGHBOURHOOD — WIPED OUT! product of its time, adorable and important to me !!!

CRYSTAL CASTLES — (II) product of its time, adorable and important to me !!!!!!!!!!!

SIA — 1000 FORMS OF FEAR a surprisingly heavy influence when i dealt with my first experiences with substance abuse :") also cute lil wig cover

that might be it for now, and only should give you an idea of how im working on this. it almost feels like i'm building up my heritage of sorts. music gladly made it to one of the most important things in my life again and i finally want to give it the space and time and care that it deserves. so excuse me for being emo and absolutely unnecessarily explicit about my plans here. ITS CALLED MANIFESTING.

[dapper-nahrwhale]

ive been thinking abt It and dndads (and stranger things kinda) for hours now its like. the monster has always been here and has shaped your life in ways you cant even perceive and you want to outgrow it but you cant and you never will. and the monster is a living breathing creature but it's also your parents and grandparents and it's also You and youre just continuing to act it out. nick leaves taylor like glenn (kind of) left him like bill left him and so on. eddie and bev marry people just like their parents. lark and sparrow literally have the doodler in their bloodstreams. augh

LITERALLY. it refuses to leave my head. The paralleling in these stories ahhg! Dndads and it (two of my favorite things in the world) hit the same thing!

Gawd just. Everything about these makes me go insane. The way the cycle repeats. You cant stop the monster that ruined your childhood from ruining your adulthood too. You are that monster. You cant move on past what happened when you were a kid. You the exact same kid you were when it happened except you're nothing like that kid at all. You can never change from the shit you went through and you'll never be that kid again. You became your parents without even realizing it.

Its about the generational trauma!

Also. Grant parallels Darryl by talking about things too much instead of too little. When he said the "we'll talk about it later" in the recent ep I lost it. The fact that they were all so irreversibly changed by that happened to them as kids that they cant change back to who they once were. He is not the boy you knew. I'm never over how they dealt with the consequences of episode 1 by grant becoming a fundamentally different and unrecognizable person to avoid that curse thing. Like that fucked up his whole shit forever man.

Lark and Sparrow are SO like henry whether they realize it or not. The Lark and bill denbrough parallels <3. They both feel insurmountable crushing guilt over something they think was entirely their fault. They were just kids. They make amends for this in the worst way possible. By trying (and failing) to kill the creature they're guilty for (insert obligatory fma03 ed and sloth reference). They let their guilt consume them. If they cant kill the horror they made whays the point of them living though it

I'm not assigning rigid roles to each character, just noticing the parallels. But I'd say the potential for sparrow and stan to be similar is so interesting. They both try as hard as they can to lead a normal regular life in spite of everything that's happened and yet they fail on that.

I realized immediately ep 1 that nick was like glenn and bill and ect ect with the not being there. But not by choice! But the cycle continues none the less! (I dont know if we'll be able to find nick and have him be reunited with the others in s2 or not. I think they all need to be there and alive to defeat the doodler, to end the eldritch horror that took their world. But if hes not there how do they kill it?)

The concept of nick needing an inhaler but never using it because he doesnt want to be lame in front of his dad vs eddie not needing one but continuing to use it because his mom says he needs it! (Smth smth the unconscious and conscious power their parents have on them smth smth)

Terry holding everyone together like mike is so chefs kiss yes! Terry and (maybe) ben being the most well adjusted of the groups. And well adjusted is very loosely said here because are any of them really? Terry being the researcher and the one to find the spells and the one to try so hard to save everyone he can (like mike).

Instead of just them forgetting the events like in it, they remember it all but the rest of the world forgot. How fucking lonley that must be either way.

Off topic but. One thing about it I adore is the 90s tv miniseries, where out takes place in the 60s in flashbacks and 80s/90s in present time and then in the new movies it take splace in the 80s and the present is the present! The exact 27 year gap between them is insane when you see the production for it had been in production hell since the 2000s!

I'm going to be thinking about these stories for the rest of my life I think...

Feeling the shrimp emotions about this rn.

[parismemes]

THINGS I’VE SAID ON DISCORD AS SENTENCE STARTERS: THIS PAST WEEK EDITION.

“boy oh boy oh boy. man oh man.” “is this a bit are we doing a bit right now” “i live to joke another day” “i would let him kill me. i know he wouldnt but if he did id just take it” “dont like the implications of that” “i kind of want to do it as a social experiment just to see what would happen” “like the point is that everyone is free to break the rules at any time” “great job genius you really avoided holding people at gunpoint with that one” “WHERE DID YOU COME FROM” “the order cannot change because im too used to the order and if it changes i WILL cry about it” “i would have remembered a name as fucking stupid as ___” “dont you just want to hold his hand and marry him” “im gonna be honest i didnt even realize there was more than one james bond movie until like a month ago i just thought there was one and it was really famous and thats where, like, the quote came from” “the tension between me and the group of teenage boys that watched me fail to parallel park for 5 minutes straight...” “rat in the garden wot am a gonna do” “he can have a little crisis as a treat” “if you get horrifically killed ill write a creepypasta about it” “technically you dont have to fight it but it will fight you” “sorry to interrupt its just my brand” “bribery always works” “ur not slow im just a speedrunner” “he just has a sword for self defense” “im not suggesting a teamup but maybe i am suggesting a teamup” “i cant deal with these fucking british people anymore” “YOUR NAME IS FUCKING ___? ___??? WHY IS THAT YOUR NAME?” “uh oh there’s a bitchass lookin guy.” “id die for him i know hed never let me but id do it” “you. are perfect. no one else” “i mean shes big sexy hot hot awooga lady but damn” “thats like the british version of naming someone chad stupidtown” “uh oh! spicy icy” “oh no my catboy weakness. fuck” “i cant pay for it because i dont have money” “color orange was in fact named after fruit orange” “ive been sitting here opening and closing my scissors for like five minutes” “it was very unexpected. people dont often have the audacity.” “i like his hair because you know me and my love of hairstyles that are stupid.” “still..... thats kinda like spiritually fucking idk thats pretty sus” “oh? hello everyone. i'm not the least bit concerned about what just happened to me.” “uh oh it seems ive been too busy getting other peoples taxes dealt with that i have forgotten to do my taxes!” “yeah and im gonna continue to do it but that doesnt mean i have to like it” “___ is also a murderer so he says murder is forgivable sometimes” “its hard to have any real conflict with him because hes immune to losing” “ive decided today im making a mistake” “i have no money but yes i do dont worry abt it” “i hate to say i have never ever had that issue” “tucked in? yes yes yes yes yes” “shame we cant be in the teapot together”

[bxttenbound]

Alright im gonna go on a lil vent, please know this isn’t a vague at any person in particular, I just kinda wanna get my emotions out there.

I think I need to pull away from specific fandoms and places i no longer feel that comfortable broadly interacting with. I don’t feel welcomed in many communities and that is probably my own fault for not reaching out more but its also due to the nature of my muse in general not being part of any big fandom or group here on tumblr.

Though I also don’t know where to go from here since my muse is so widely unknown and im honestly just kind of tired now trying to insert myself into places that i later find out people dont want me in. I don’t really know wher eto go from here, there’s really only a few people I feel comfortable rping with as of now. I know a lot of it is my own fault for not reaching out more but i simply am not sure what to do.

And I don’t want to sound ungrateful because while people will come to me saying they love me here, they want me around, i don’t ever feel involved. Words and saying it is one thing but I just feel isolated outside those small moments people reaffirm or directly tell me im wanted here.

This could just be my depression talking because ive had struggles with it the past few days as i realized i have forgotten to take my medication. I dont know what to do with this blog, i dont know where to go, and its hard to tell where im even wanted anymore.

I thank anyone who has stayed here this long and dealt with my constant depression posting which i always feel horrible about doing, im sorry i cant seem to get out of this because i want to. I don’t know how, because i do love being here, writing, telling a story and coming up with plots. I find such enjoyment writing here but i dont know where im supposed to go now. I’m sorry i’m just rambling at this point.

I’m sorry i havent done many replies and ill try to get to them tonight when im finished with work (i still have like 2-3 more hours), I just wanted to let people know im not sure where im supposed to be, if im stepping over boundaries, and what should I do. Thanks for reading if you got this far, i love you guys <3

[lunatic-fandom-space]

My pals from discord and I were talkin shit about Aphmaus Minecraft series and two of them wanted to rewrite Diaries n Mystreet respectively and the more we talked the more I wanted to rewrite Diaries as well so now Im gonna watch/rewatch it and write my notes down here

Ive only actually watched the first season before bc I really liked Zane in Mystreet when he was a bastard asshole and ive heard that he was the villain in Diaries but then I wanted to look up his age on the wiki and found out that he really wasnt too important in seasons 2 n 3 so I never watched anything of aphmaus again. until now

Heres my notes on ep. 1:

Im considering renaming Aphmau (as a character obvs) to Jess/Jessica or smth. Idk like, all the other characters (aside from maybe Kawaii-chan but I'd prefer not to think abt her in general) have these very normal kinda generic names (Katelyn, Garroth, Zane, Lucinda, Lawrance, Aaron n god knows who else) so Aphmau as a name just seems really out of place but im not fully sure yet

Okay, so I think im gonna keep the plot stuff about how their Lord recently passed away and now everythings in chaos and theyve lost contact to all those other village states and theyre running low on resources oh no, I think thats a good excuse to keep it contained to one single place in the beginning as everyone is trying to deal with this shit. I dont remember too much about the plot from when I last watched this series though, so I might change some stuff later to have some foreshadowing and maybe make things more cohesive

Because this is a Minecraft Roleplay Aphmau doesnt really have a backstory which makes perfect sense in the context of it being a Minecraft Roleplay since we (the audience) dont really need to know anything about what happened prior the RP starting, however, Im trying to approach this like more of a traditional story so I think thats kinda necessary. I actually kinda already rewrote Diaries when I first watched it a few years back (but I was also using my own OCs back then so idk if it really counts) and the way I dealt w/ it there was just, the Main Character has amnesia. The full backstory was that she was actually the daughter of a noble (idk if it was the noble running the community she stumbled upon but its likely) and they did some magic/herb bullshit to make her forget everything but her name in order to protect her from being killed like the rest of their family and then shes just kinda a helpful nice girl in this struggling community until her past catches up w/ her yknow? I'd like to basically just do that but w/ Aphmau here

Im gonna go more into detail when we actually get to it, but I know towards the end of the first season they reveal that Aphmau is actually the reincarnation of Irene (whos basically Jesus in this world) and I feel like thats a bit much?? So im just gonna say shes like, Irenes only child or her only living child instead and sort of tie that into my previous idea, but again Im gonna get more into it when we get to that part

Im also leaning a bit more towards realism here (obvs its still fantasy I'd just rather nor have Minecraft physics yknow)

Aphmau finding the village is gonna go like this: She sees Vylad on patrol or some shit, follows him to the village, sees the other guards and kinda hides in the bushes nearby, eavesdrops on them (hears Garroth n Zenix have their exposition talk, (G) "I dont think anyone in the village will listen to any of the guards. Not after how horrible the last Lord was..." (Z) "Now that the Lord is gone the village is in chaos. What are we going to do?"), wonders whats going on and sneaks to the village without alerting the guards

Aphmau is staying more or less lowkey and just kinda walks around the village for a bit, sees all the villagers and all that, maybe has some little interactions with them idk

She nabs some carrots from one of the fields bc shes hungry (this is basically all just like it is in the OG Diaries but less Minecraft RP-ey yknow)

After that ya girl jusg sort of wanders around in the village, maybe pointing out some stuff that needs fixing and thinking about how she could help (bc shes definitely not leaving) and its kinda like foreshadowing her being this really good and helpful presence in this struggling village n shit

Im not fully sure how Im gonna deal w/ the Minecraft stuff initially, like, before it transitions into pure story and more or less cuts out all the modded!Lets Play shit. Bc in the RP, they dont really craft things (if I remember correctly) they just. get them somehow but Aphmau is gonna be crafting quite a bit in these early episodes im pretty sure. Now I have tried to convert this type of MinecraftRP into a proper story before, and the way I dealt w/ the crafting aspect there was by having a sorta Fullmetal Alchemist style magic system, where you have to put raw resources in this summoning circle thing and they work exactly a crafting bench but more Mystical n Magical but Im not sure if that would work that well

Aphmau is exploring the area a bit (and collecting some stones for better resources, if I'll actually go for my idea w/ the crafting benches) and hears weird creepy noises?? I dont remember if that leads anywhere, but Im putting it here in case it actually does or in case I can use a scene like this for something else

She doesnt really worry about finding a home and just kinda does her thing for a bit, exploring the area and all that, but then she realizes Oh Shit. Its Night Time and everyone already went home and locked their doors so dhes kinda fucked. She tries knocking on some doors but no one opens her but she fortunately manages to find a house thats seemingly abandoned and stays there for the night

(Also, Im keeping the hostile minecraft mobs)

And yeah, thats pretty much it for the first episode/chapter??maybe

Im not sure how close I wanna keep it to the OG but we'll see

[officialspec]

it feels strange to have all your struggles concentrated into something that someone else can say "same" about, i think because there is always unspoken context and the experiences are unique in a way that cannot transfer to another person

yeah thats definitely one thing but i feel like the way i phrased it was a bit reductive??? its not so much about 'lol same' as like,, i was gonna make a comic about this but that probably wont happen so. anecdote time

last year i started disassociating for the first time. it was really terrifying because i didnt know yet what was going on; i started losing memories, parts of my identity, sometimes i would have delusions at the same time? there was a lot else going on as well but tldr it was a really disorienting few months, i ended up losing all of the friendships i had built irl at the time and it still kinda feels like i woke up one day in december with a handful of blurry memories and nothing else. i ended up going to a crisis centre and im working on processing the traumas that caused it but it was fucking nightmarish to experience and still is when im not doing well mentally

despite all that though, the worst part was a conversation i had not long after the crisis centre told me i was disassociating. i was talking about it to a friend (no one who'll see this lol) and as soon as i got through a basic description of how id felt their eyes lit up and they asked 'is that what that is?? because ive done that FOREVER and i didnt know it was a thing!!! thats so cool!!!' and i have never felt worse in my LIFE

like if that is genuinely something they experience then im glad they found the language to describe it but they seemed so. excited?? relieved??? and all i could think of was how agonising the last year had been and how scared and exhausted id felt when i found out what was happening to me and how much work id have to do to get past it, and finding out they'd not only apparently dealt with it longer but that it was such a light burden to them that they could feel anything positive about it at all was a bullet to the heart man

i felt like id spent the last year dragging my way out of hell by my fingernails and when i told someone about it they said they do it every tuesday afternoon for some light exercise. like either we're talking about different things or ive been doing something wrong. either way im about to give up and just start biting people

[shoezuki]

genuine question: do you think ‘don’t speak on this issue if you’re not a minority affected’ is as black and white as ppl make it out to be?

like i was out as a lesbian for like 2 years before figuring out The Gender Stuff and dealt w a lot of genuine lesbophobic stuff (getting outed, losing friends, Actually Weirdchamp Jokes etc) so i feel like i should be able to identify when to say No, Please Wise Up at these kinds of situations given past experiences, even if i ID differently now. also im v stressed can i have a homie forehead kiss please ;-;

Oh yea anon i Absolutely think the 'dont speak if ur not affected' stuff is Bullshit. Like majorly cuz it aint that easy to just. Go by specific labels??? Like you experienced lesbophobia as u said and those experiences will ALWAYS be with you regardless of hoe you change n grow as a person. You Absolutely should be 'allowed' to have a voice in such matters.

Ive seen Multiple ppl who either recently realized themselves as different labels, or dtwrted questioning their identity as a lesbian, and this uncertainty of if they are 'able' to speak on these things. Even me in particular. Like i go by 'queer' for both because i Cant fit myself into more conventional labels. But i spent a Long timr in highschool questioning and battling with myself on if i was a lesbian or not. Im still not 100% sure and i dont think i ever will. Does that give me a 'pass' to speak on these things? I have no fucking clue.

Secondly, though. This take is spicier. But i think any lgbt person can discuss these issues if theyre a lesbian or not or have never been.

People take the idea of Only Lesbians or the group affected can accept the apology, which id true, and made it more into: only this group can talk on this or have opinions on this. Which i thinl is wrong. Because now theres an expectation of lesbians needing to take initiative and Give other people opinions and Tell them what theyre allowed to Think. Thats not a job we should push on lesbians/the groups affected.

People HAVE to be able to make their own opinions on this. We dont need a Pocket Lesbian to tell us what to do or think or what we can of cant say. Its not theyre job to 'educate us' at every interval like this. Its why we see so many 'remember you cant accept apologies if youre not the minority affected' or 'lesbians what do you think?' Type threads. It puts pressure on lesbians, makes em do the leg work they dont need to and honestly? Is another way of speakin over them. Like 'i cant think on this myself i need lesbians to tell me what to do here, so I fill up tags and tls with this instead of actually retweeting threads and words made By lesbians' yknow???

This got long. Its kinda complex. But ppl really want to box others in and give the affected groups a Job to Educate People under the guise of 'upholding their voices' tbh

I ALMOST FORGOT THE KISS. CMERE.

MWAH

[surveysonfleek]

1596.

1. How has covid affected you? it had its pros and cons. we’re just about to come out of a 3month lockdown and honestly i was okay with it. i got to work from home, i saved a ton of money from not going out and i got a lot done. 2. What is a comfort show of yours ? the office 3. Are you open about your past or do you not let anyone in? im pretty open about it when asked 4. Favourite fast food joint? kfc! 5. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? if im honest, probably not. we aint shit compared to the rest of the universe

6. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? bought land to build a house on 7. Do u ever feel like surveys are usually the same questions? yes. i wouldnt be surprised if ive done that same survey multiple times over the years 8. What were you doing 10 years ago? i was still at uni, living life lol 9. Do you call out Karen’s when they’re harassing a cashier? i honestly havent come across that in public  10. Animal crossing , yay or nay? yay! although, i did get over it after 2 weeks. i bought a switch just for it and now its basically unused 11. Why do you like to do surveys? something to pass the time 12. Did you ever have a MySpace ? yes 13. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? not really. it depends on what youre agreeing to. i think the space apart can actually really help 14. Do you have a YouTube channel? If no , would you create one? If yes what’s your content? yes and i havent uploaded in years. i traveled a lot like 5 years ago so i documented all my vacations 15. Are you a math person? i can do simple maths pretty quickly but thats about it 16. What’s the worse thing someone has said to you? hmm none comes to my head but theres been shit said to me for sure 17. Have you ever befriended someone because you felt bad? nope 18. Would you ever date someone online? mostly likely not 19. Have you been ghosted before? Would you ghost someone? no 20. When do you think things will be normal again? i dont think itll ever be normal. i feel like people will forever be weird about massive crowds etc 21. Do you watch anime? only as a kid. i got a free trial on anime lab to watch sailor moon and i couldnt get into any other shows. its just not my thing 22. Biggest goal you wanna reach before 2020 is over ? 2020 is over and done with 23. How old did/do you turn this year ? im old haha, i dont wna talk about it :( 24. Do you like tiktok? yes 25. Do you ever miss vine? i never got into vine 26. How are you doing, seriously? look, im fine. i just need to start getting shit done 27. Is there someone you want to talk to but you know you can’t? kinda. and thats fine. 28. Do you make jokes to cope with your problems? nah 29. Have you ever had someone call you their best friend but you didn’t even consider them a close friend? hahaha no, thatd be awkward 30. Have you ever dealt with a pathological liar? cant say i have 31. Long or short surveys? in between. sometimes long boring surveys are just draining 32. If ur in school , are you doing it on zoom or in class? not in school 33. Would you ever have a pet rat? noooo 34. Favourite memory with your best friend? travel memories <3 probably san francisco 35. Favourite type of content to watch on YouTube? a bit of everything. interviews, travel vlogs, podcasts 36. Are you allergic to anything serious? nah 37. Dream job? id love to be the person/people who create new scents for bath and body works haha 38. Do you think dreams mean anything? nothing that would dictate your life but im sure its def got something to do with ur subconscience  39. Fav clothing brand? h&m 40. Do you miss anyone? my dad

[jeongjaebae]

ok long feedback time bc i like to talk. i haven’t done such a long in-depth feedback in months so i figured it was about time. it’s kinda all over the place but i’ll try to organize my thoughts.

here we go, time to disect this 12k monster masterpiece (also don’t mind the incoherent fangirling. it’s me. skrtskrt. you should be used to this)

my favorite parts:

the scene where the reader fakes shit to get younghoon to notice her. honestly? comedy GOLD. never kept it up but its something ive done in the past akajsk. needa start doing it again for attention though

secondly the part where the reader gains a different perspective from younghoon at the study session. i liked how you wrote out the dialogue, you could really sense how there was a bit of tension between the two characters with the insensitive reader. just the way you wrote the reader’s carefree personality overall in contrast wity younghoon’s slight coldness was my favorite. also you said i liked bad guys and wouldn’t like this fic (?) WRONG. i like all men LMAO.

my favorite lines:

“he seems so guarded all the time that making him open up to the idea of love might be a challenge in itself."

idk man something about that sentence hits me. i really like it too bc younghoon really does give off those kept to self vibes yk? he a real softie inside tho wbk

“Would it be so bad to just stay in his arms forever? You wanted to drown in him, to be so overwhelmed by his love that you forget everything except for the sound of your own name coming out of his mouth. But unfortunately, he couldn't be the solution to your problems if he was also the cause of them.”

ok i said this before but i truly mean it every single time. i love the way your words flow to express emotion. like you always focus on word building and all that stuff but i think everything about your writing is flawless. amazing writer things!!

"But you can't exactly break my heart if I never fell for you in the first place.”

ok that line just hurts but we love angst so it’s ok. Plus Y/N deserved that. i be bitter too. also the way you broke my heart man…

"Honestly, aren't we all trying to figure that out?" he says thoughtfully. "I don't think it can be defined in just one way; it's something that we learn a little more about each day. The stories we live to tell and the events that shape our lives—they may teach us to love the world a little more, and by extension, each other. So in a way, love can be anything you want it to be."

OK FIRST OF ALL. You know a fic is GOOD when the author manages to make you fall in love with the lead character. (in this case Younghoon) idk how but you manage to do it everytime jiejie… like i’m falling for him bad. SECOND OF ALL. honestly as someone who doesn’t really believe in love but finds the idea temporally fun (iykyk lmao) but like i loved that whole paragraph. you didn’t jump straight into the i love you but instead dived deeper beyond the surface of the topic. considering the circumstances they dealt with, the way you described love was perfect. but fr tho, as time goes on, we’re always learning so everything we do and the people we meet will end up shaping our views on things (in this case love).

ok wow this was so long. SORRY LMAO. i’ll keep it short next time but i like to ramble. also unrelated but i really want juyeon as my chem partner still. that fic is still my fav loll, no one ain’t ever topping that. also i’m curious was your major in college biology? you always seem so interested in science loll, ok bye i talk too much🔫

i— 🥺🥺🥺

this is coherent dw!! omg you even organized it by lines 🥺

yes i turn up the charm on purpose sometimes for attention too HAHAHA it's fun. and please, what is there to like about men 😔 maybe just men written by women. but anyway, i kind of treated this like a character study? recently i've noticed that sometimes the characters sound the same in people's fics so i've been kind of self conscious about that happening in mine (though i think i've been doing a decent job at making each character distinct)

first quote: i barely paid attention to this part but hmm interesting. ok at least his characterization was on point then phew

the second quote!! not one of my faves but now that you've pointed it out, i kind of like it. it flows nicely. but omg i don't think i focus on world building AT ALL 😅 "you look hideous on me" was a bit of an exception but even the world building in that was unintentional. guess i generally prefer my fics straight to the point so world building seems kind of unnecessary at times. might've been nice to have some in this fic though, would've given it more dimension for sure.

the angst line... well, hurt people hurt people so. just him lashing out nbd, we all know it was false hAHAHA

the last quote is definitely one of my faves!! from the mc's perspective i would've thought younghoon had it all figured out, but then hearing him say that was like... wow. it's a fresh perspective that lets us peer into his mind and it's also quite true. his mindset towards life was what allowed him to forgive our mc and be understanding about what the mc did. hmm i guess i snuck a lot of my own ideologies into this fic, and maybe that's why i love it (and this younghoon) so much. and of course, never jump straight into the ily or the BOOM KISS part!! 😂

no, omg not straight up biology. it was my least fave of the three sciences in college LMAO. i did a bit of everything tho: majored in neuroscience, doubled minored in math and biochemistry, and added a lil physics specialization on top of that, then went into biostatistics afterwards but we don't talk about that part. (NERD!!!! i hear you, don't worry) but i guess you probably already know from reading my old works since i used to sneak in a ton of science references (deffs cringing at them now tho). so yeah if you ever need help with courses... hmu i guess LOL

but anyways, i wrote 12.8k of pure ART and ur still goin on about chem lab partner juyeon??!?! 💀💀💀 ur in DEEP girl. i would consider writing something else from that world but i'm still brainstorming for your prompt atm. when ur album comes i hope u pull juyeon tho hehe 🤡

[ambitionsofcandlewax]

cuttin contact as much as possible, riddin of things that were theirs or u made for them or remind u of them (if u can't get rid of certain stuff thats fine. I still have a plastic bottle that's related to a past obsession from april in my room.), lots of time, lots of just cryin in yer room, kissin yer cat (if u have one), and typically findin a new obsession is how I begin to move on from the previous one. however I've never truly moved on from any1, no matter how many years, and still will breakdown over them. some wounds just never heal right. usually it was easier to "move on" when I let myself just go full on back into obsession, but I've been obsessed w so many different ppl over time that it's just left several unhealed wounds now, and I'm too scared to let myself fully go into that only to get hurt again. but I have a lot of codependency issues and only feel happy when someone I love loves me back n its all comfortin, so I'm p unhappy. so idk how much of this advice really works but for me it's the difference of drowin in tears every night vs havin a breakdown over it once every week or two. main takeaway is just let yerself feel how u feel n don't rush yerself to get over it. bottlin up emotions bad. and sometimes ull never be over it and that's okay too. bein better is not the best but its better than the worst.

thank u luv <3 /p im kinda already dealing with a new obsession, but it just feelz like im overcompensating or sum, like i just feel like so much of me was centered around him, n now i dont have that so like what does that leave me with ? ive def dealt with the endz of obsessionz b4, but nvr 2 the "yandere" extent (nvr while id'ing as yan, it makez a diff in my mind) i dont have a cat unfortunately, but i will pet my dog n try 2 distance </3 i rly do appreciate the help anon, thank u

[shhh-no-ones-home]

kick back vinny mauro x reader

+++++++++

the song she sings are original lyrics by me, there will be a screenshot of the whole thing in the comments/reblogs if you would like to see it all. there is no sheet music, i am not a musician, but the lyrics are all my own and subject to copyright (/11/06/20/). thanks for understanding

Song: sorry haha I fell asleep by egg

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @svintsandghosts @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @theoneandonlykymberlee +++++++++

I looked down at my phone as it rang for the eighth time today. It was Vinny. Again. Couldn't he take the hint? He thought he wanted me but I knew he didn't. How could he? Clearly he wouldn't let it go though. I rolled my eyes and went to put my phone back down when it dinged. He didn't call this time. It was actually a text.

"I know you're ignoring me but I'm gonna keep trying, i told you how i feel and thats not gonna change. Also a heads up, I'll see you on tour."

My eyes went wide before I immediately called our band manager.

"Just the person I wanted to talk to."

She said fairly chipper.

"Tell me we aren't."

I said sternly.

"What?"

She sounded confused.

"Tell me we aren't touring with motionless."

She laughed a little.

"Why would I tell you that? Of course you guys are. isnt it exciting?"

My mouth dropped.

"Why?!"

"Um, because it's good publicity? their manager called me yesterday and asked if you wanted to collab on something too so i hope youve been writing. but back to tour. They are doing a short spring tour, just a few weeks. i figured you were the best breakout band on my label."

She seemed very happy. I sighed into the receiver.

"Dawn their drummer has been calling and texting me for two weeks straight."

She paused.

"Okay?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"He has been trying to get me to go out with him for two weeks straight."

"Oh!"

She said.

"Then what's the problem?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Ya know what, actually there's no problem. this is a great opportunity for our career. When are we starting?"

"Great! I have to call the rest of the girls but you start February third."

I nodded.

"Okay. Two months away. I can put this off till then."

I said more to myself.

"Well dear I've got to go, I'll talk to you when the posters come out."

°°°°°°°°°

i sat on the ground outside the bus and strummed my guitar lightly. id been in contact with all the girls from our band and all the motionless guys for our new song together since i got the call from dawn two months ago but things werent coming out as good as wed hoped. so here i was still working on it, by myself. the thing is though the song was supposed to be out by the end of tour and yet here we all were, one week in and still nothing. i couldnt even focus on the task at hand. i had to much other shit running through my mind.

"that sounds pretty."

i heard from behind me and stiffened my body.

"thanks, ive been trying to find new chords for the song."

i said as vinny came into view.

"well i think it sounds great, when i read through the lyrics you had so far i wasnt really sure how heavy it would end up being but i kinda like that."

he said, moving to sit in front of me. i nodded.

"it will be heavier but my brain wont let me right now."

i said, dropping my hands to my lap. he nodded back.

"well what you have so far sounds beautiful anyways."

i stared at the ground, tapping my fingers lightly against the guitar.

"actually vin, this isnt for the collab. its actually for you and the only reason i cant finish the other song is because im lost."

he raised a brow.

"its for me?"

i sighed.

"i dont exactly know how to talk to you anymore so i figured a song would be easier but its really not."

i said through a nervous laugh.

"ive been meaning to talk to you about that actually."

i shook my head.

"you dont have-"

"no, i do."

he said, sending me a look.

"i shouldve taken the hint in December but i thought that if i persisted then maybe youd see how much i meant what i said. but i guess somewhere along the line i got annoying. hell i know, i did, i was annoying myself. then when you started texting me back, even though it was just about the new song, i was excited. it meant i could still talk to you even if it was just business."

"vin i-"

"please, just listen for a second."

i cleared my throat and nodded.

"okay, lay it on me."

he took a deep breath.

"i want you to know that i did mean what i said, i do really like you and i want to try something, a relationship, casual dates, hell even just hanging out. maybe you dont want more, and thats fine. but i still want you in my life and i want you to know that i do care about you. even if you have been ignoring me on purpose."

i frowned.

"vin i dont know how to do this."

i said, motioning between us.

"all my past relationships have crashed and burned and i dont know how to move on form that. i dont want to have to change who i am again."

he shook his head.

"you dont- you would never have to do that. i like you the way you are, and i want to prove that to you."

i sent him a look.

"no, you like who ive created for you. thats not me. im not carefree and easy going, and agreeable. im pig headed and strongly opinionated and i have a loud mouth."

i said with a laugh. he smiled back at me which i wasnt quite expecting.

"i dont care about all that. i care about you, whether you think youve created someone for me or not. give me stubborn. give me opinionated and loud. hell even give me furious at times. i know thats the real you and yet im still trying. cant you see that?"

i bit the inside of my cheek and thought for a second. then i looked down started strumming again lightly.

"im sorry for making things harder, i never meant to make it this far."

i began singing lightly.

"you dont deserve this mess of a person, i just keep making things hard."

i looked to him and he was staring at me intently.

"we've made it this far, i cant believe youre still around. i thank the heavens cause if not id be six feet down"

i closed my eyes, swaying back and forth as i played.

"Im sorry for making things harder, you dealt with this before. If i make it up to you somehow, we wont have to waste our time no more."

i said softly, over the guitar before stopping and looking at him.

"its not quite done yet."

i said a little shy. he sent me a small smile.

"i love you."

he said and my face went straight. i watched as he scooted his way closer to my side.

"ill always be here for you, no matter how we move forward."

i looked to my lap for a second before looking back to him. he was staring at me longingly.

"i think i love you too vin."

i said, barely above a whisper. he looked between my eyes before his hand moved to graze my cheek. i couldnt help moving into him. before i knew what was happening i was kissing him lightly, his hand going to the back of my head to hold me to him. when he pulled away he had a huge smile on his face.

"the song sounds great by the way."

i laughed a little at that, feeling a blush creep its way to my face as he pressed his forehead to mine.

"our little atypical love song."