#some part of me

[3416]

it's so depressing to watch the pride nights be overshadowed by the assholes who feel comfortable not partaking in them

[puppyeared]

filipina miku!! my mom helped me with her outfit ^_^

[chalkrub]

autumnal chill....featuring the girl

[sixsidedsex]

September 4th 2024

I dont know how coherent this is going to be. Im just going for a whole stream of consciousness thing. Ive included the date on this because I dont know when or if my feelings will change. I like to keep track of things

For who this is for. Its an ex partner of mine. If you see this, which I doubt you will, I want you to know that these are my genuine feelings laid out as candidly as possible. 

I think its a testament so how upset I am that im writing a letter to you at all.

So. I loved you. Very much. It wasnt a lie when I said i never felt the way i did with anyone than with you. You felt like everything to me. You can imagine how it felt when you split on me.

Issues I wasnt even aware of, problems I was willing to solve. All ignored in favor of a split second decision

I think I should have dealt with the grief then and left. But then you came back and I felt relieved. It was a chance to redeem my mistakes. Mistakes I didnt even know I had made

And I was willing to work through that with you is the worst part. I was willing to talk and work through My issues to make You feel comfortable. That is how much you meant to me. But you drifted and drifted without a damn word. It took me literally almost yelling at you to get anything out of you.

You can imagine my fucking heartbreak when you said you “didnt want to do this anymore” and that it was because i was “trying to change you”

Yknow i think part of the issue is your stubbornness against change. Because that what makes a fucking relationship work. You change each other for the better and its a wonderful thing. But youre too damn stubborn to admit you were wrong

It wasnt my fault. I dont care what you think. It was Not my fault.

Now let me address some of the problems I had with that conversation

I couldnt do anything to remedy you “feeling sick” around me. I cant do anything about that. But you assuming i felt the same was complete bullshit. I wasnt sick around you. I was aching for you if anything. Because i missed you and wanted our relationship back to the way it was. I loved you

A fucking part of me still does.

And its disgusting that I would be willing to talk again. But youre just not that kinda person.

Another issue was with the change thing. I didnt want to actively change you. I wanted us to both be better. 

But youre selfish. Uncooperative. Stubborn in the worst way possible.

Im not going to bullshit you when i think your brother was part of the problem. He obviously didnt like me and obviously had issues with your past relationships.

But that is not my fucking burden to carry. I shouldnt have to carry the weight of your brother’s, his friends’, and even his god damn Mom’s judgment. 

I think his attitude has definitely rubbed off on you. I mean it.

I know I used it as a “gotcha” in our final conversation but. I do think some kind of therapy would help you. 

Another thing i want to address is you saying you were “doing this for my wellbeing”

Bullshit.

I dont care if you were doing it for yourself. If you were doing it for yourself i wouldve respected that more. The fact that i had no say in my own decision to trust you again is insane. 

Part of me really hopes you never come back

The other part of me really hopes you do. And that youre sorry. And that if you are ill forgive you.

I dont know.

Its horrible that i miss you.

At least i have college to distract me

-Nico

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[blueskittlesart]

Dear Big Brother

kind of a sequel to this comic

[arabriddler]

” I don’t go here but…” is such a cool tag to get idc idc. You don’t know what I’m talking about but you like it anyways? Let’s make out

[botanicalbasilly]

I hate being a person who loves bugs, I can't say anything without the person I'm talking to reacting with disgust. Today I had to literally beg a coworker for the life of a spider, and then after I put it in a nook outside she thought it'd be funny to show me a video she took of her killing one. Like idk man. Birds scare the shit out of me but I still get why people love them. They come in pretty colors and they sound nice and they're interesting to observe. I don't understand why people don't feel the same about bugs. The rich amber color of a cockroach, the iridescent glow of a fly, the intricate hydraulics that power their little legs, the chirp of a beetle, the art of the spider's web... It's all so beautiful. Why is it the habit of so many to destroy?

[egophiliac]

since Eng is getting 7.5 soon(?), I felt motivated to go back to my Meleanor rig and make her a couple of lesson animations! ...except for alchemy, because the cauldron bubbles proved too hard to photoshop around, whoops.

maybe she just got lost on her way to the classroom...?

(credit: backgrounds are from the game, I just put her on top of 'em)

(aside from the backgrounds, this is not an edit, I drew her from scratch! please do not tag or treat as an edit!)

[ghost-bxrd]

Prompt:

Brucie Wayne gets into a mild accident in public (read-got hit by a car). And Batman would just walk it off (“it’s barely a bruise”), but Brucie obviously… can’t.

So he has to suffer the ordeal of having civilians call paramedics, getting fussed over, and having-

Having his dead son get into the back of the ambulance with him.

Oh- oh no. He must have hit his head worse than he thought. He thought he was past this…

[tecochet]

mary jane's husband and his boyfriend

[orcaking]

*in the fading light*

[ID: A digital illustration of a gay trans couple sharing an intimate moment , drawn in two panels. The top panel features the couple cropped close, just showing them kissing, with a transparent starburst around their mouths. The second larger panel is cropped from the shoulders to the thigh. One figure is in the center, sprawled back as their partner touches their stomach and kisses their shoulder. They are both shirtless with top surgery scars, and the center figure has boxers on. There is a third narrow panel on the left side, showing a simple skyscape of a orange star falling through clouds. The whole illustration is done in a restricted palette of soft warm green and teal, with pops of orange. /. End ID]

[gatoburr0]

I HATE how this turned out WITH A PASSION.

[coddda]

I wish we could have met in some other way.

Lawlight Week Day 2: Soulmates

If you saw me repost and re-edit this several times uh No you didn't </3

Still frames/Individual gifs:

If you know what every frame is from you get a free cookie. by the way

[demaparbat-hp]

She will (and he'll let her)

[spyroz]

if anyone needs help identifying things that can become moral scrupulosity OCD obsessions/compulsions, heres a list of some i've experienced:

rereading your posts/texts over and over

checking your notes and/or followers list frequently to "make sure" bad actors aren't interacting with you

checking OP's blog before interacting with posts

compulsively opening a social media tab to look at your notifs and then closing it, over and over

fearing ways that things you say/do (or don't do) could be taken in bad faith. being anxious that your words/actions will be misconstrued as morally wrong, bigoted, rude, or aggressive

feeling guilty or obsessing over whether you should or shouldn't have reblogged a post

feeling like you aren't "allowed" to disengage from online discourse or unfollow people who post it

fearing you're being stalked, talked about, or called out behind your back. fearing you'll never be forgiven and that people might even celebrate your disappearance or death, even though you havent done anything wrong

searching your own name/username to see if anyone is actually talking about you

imagining defenses you would make against nonexistent heinous accusations or arguments against you, to prove that you didnt do it

feeling like you have to roll over and become a doormat when others are cruel to you, because it could cause strife if you do anything other than grovel or apologize

having trouble enforcing your own boundaries out of fear that they are somehow "wrong" or unethical

ending up surrounded by people who have all the "right opinions" but are super mean and unpleasant, and make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells

fearing that just HAVING moral ocd makes you a bad person somehow (for example, i often fear that having moral ocd is somehow pushing a 'stranger danger' or misanthropist agenda, even though i actually have a lot of faith in my fellow humans)

some of these bullet points are not inherently bad on their own, but if you find yourself having this kind of anxiety very often, that's not normal, and it's time to get offline or even seek professional help if it's impacting your life

this list is catered to how online culture influences moral scrupulosity, it is not indicative of how everybody's moral scrupulosity functions, and it is not exhaustive