#ive been wanting to talk about this but i couldnt before i gave both of em their gifts lol

[sunshineram]

man im gonna be really happy when my hand decides that it likes my body and stops being a little hater.

[hannieehaee]

hi! i wanted to request seungcheol x reader based off of ‘how you get the girl’ by taylor swift? thank you!

content: inspired by 'how you get the girl' by taylor swift, angsty, fight between reader and cheol implied, fluff ending, etc.

wc: 738

a/n: ive never rlly listened to taylor before so im sorry if i took the lyrics out of context i tried to research the meaning of the song but i wasnt 100% sure T-T anyways tysm for requesting sorry i took so long <3

masterlist

seungcheol knew he had royally fucked up.

the details didn't matter now. it had been a while now – six months to be exact – and he still couldnt get over you. he'd see you around town occasionally, and you'd look perfectly fine. how could you be fine when he was so empty without you in his life? were you really better off without him?

he tried to move on, he really did, but no one was like you. the type of love you had was the type he wanted to be his endgame. there was no question about it. which was why he needed to fix his this.

it started with attempts to be in the same spaces as you again. he would find out where you'd be from mutual friends (okay, a little stalkerish, but it was fine!) and make sure to be in attendance to any party you'd go to. lucky for him, you were best friends with his good friends soonyoung and vernon, which gave him the perfect opening to approach you every time. at first you'd look peeved off by his presence, but after a few times you seemed to warm up to him, even laughing at his jokes sometimes. after a few weeks of intruding your friend hangouts, it was as if he'd always been there.

the day finally came in which you'd been left alone together at a party, with both soonyoung and vernon leaving one by one. it was getting late, so seungcheol offered to walk you home, which you surprisingly accepted with a polite smile. you talked like old friends on your way back, never once making any mention of the relationship you used to have. that made cheol both sad and relieved. it was good you weren't hurt by it anymore, but did this mean you were now looking for a mere friendship out of him? he had tried to bring back the old dynamics between the two of you. he had even been as physically affectionate as your newly-developed friendship would allow, but it seemed like that wasnt what you were looking for. seungcheol couldnt help but carry the disappointment in his face as the two of you arrived to your home.

"cheol? what's wrong?", you asked as soon as you caught sight of his face.

"hmm? oh, nothing. im fine. i, uh, goodnight. thanks for letting me walk you."

before he could even turn around, you pulled at his arm to grab his attention.

"cheol, what is it?"

he hesitated in speaking up again. he knew himself to be an outspoken man to a fault. and how was be expected to hold back when you looked so pretty under the moonlight and were even showing concern for him?

"i love you,"

fuck. that's not how he meant to start. and that was clearly not what you had expected him to say, judging by the shocked expression on your face.

"what?"

"im still in love with you, i- i know i fucked up, and i know i waited too long, but ... seeing you move on in life without me made me lose my mind. i know i shouldve apologized earlier. and i cant even blame you for breaking up with me, i ... i was a shitty boyfriend. i didnt treat you how you deserved. but i'll be better now, i promise! just give me one more chance. ill give you everything i shouldve back then and more. i know it's been six months, but ive been losing my mind without you. i know we could make this work. please?"

he knew he mustve looked crazy as he rambled his sudden love confession to you, but he still hoped that you'd maybe take pity on him and take him back. however, after a full minute of silence from you as you didn't meet his eyes, he knew that luck probably wouldnt be smiling at him today.

he turned to leave without a word until you unexpectedly stopped him again.

"wait, cheol," you seemed kind of shy about your movements, but still offered him a smile.

"come in? do you ... will you stay the night? please?"

your shy smile was met with his bright one as his arms warmly wrapped around yours, kissing your cheeks over and over as he used to once upon a time, walking the two of you into the apartment he was once oh so familiar with.

[kk43mi]

needy┊kabukimono

PAIRING ┊ kabukimono x f!reader(dom-ish) GENRE ┊smut WC ┊ 1.2k+ WARNINGS ┊ obsessive behavior , somnophilia , clinginess , pussy eating , fingering , blowjob , good boy , lowercase intended!!! SYNOPSIS ┊ the first time you gave a blowjob to kabuki, he became obsessed with the feeling and pleasure. always asking for more and more, at the wrong time and place, outside at the woods? he wanted it. other people were around? he wanted it. you were busy with work? he wanted it. A/N ┊ written by kam , hope you guys enjoy ! been thinking about this for a long while, time to let it out. a little drabble btw!

the first time you gave a blowjob to kabuki was when he asked about it, he heard about people talking about getting into the act of intimacy and that made him all flustered.

he got all shy and fidgeting with his fingers asking if he could do it too. "n-niwa was talking about doing stuff like...I dont know...like the thing...its embarrassing.."

of course you had to help your poor baby out, guiding him to the bedroom and taking his clothes off for him. he gets all shy saying "do i have to be naked...?" he asks so innocently.

"yes, now relax you wanna do this right?" you would reassure him and he would nod.

moaning and shuddering out of pleasure when your tongue starts kitten licking his tip, making him seeing stars already, hips bucking upwards as his back arch in an impossible angle.

the way his tip was inside your mouth had him whining and whimpering. "a-ah! so-so good..! mgh..mmgnh-!!"

and thats when he lost it as his whole cock was inside your mouth, touching the deep parts of your throat. which makes you gag a couple times, but he holds onto your head for leverage, gripping a handful of your hair, trying to withstand the pleasure.

hes so cute trying to hide his little whines and moans by biting his bottom lips, maybe a little blood trickling down mixed in with his drool.

he came on the spot,since this was his first time initiating in any kind of action, it wasn't surprising. but you swallowed it all, gulping down the white substance. hips shaking, and he let out the most pornographic moan ever.

"that-that felt so good y/n...one more..?" he asks so innocently and you let out a chuckle. "one wasn't enough?" he shakes his head as he pleas for another one.

and from there on, he always asked for you to pleasure him. even when you got back from work he would get up from his seat jumping up to you in thrill. giving you a tight hug and kissing your lips.

"y/n! youre back youre back! can we do it now? pleaseeee? ive been waiting all day..." he would pout.

"eh..but we did it yesterday already-and it was the first time...you got addicted..?" you would laugh it off but he wasnt having it. "noo pleaseeee, i havent released the whole day...need you.." he would say before rubbing himself on you.

"but im worn out...next when im free alright?" you try your best to convince, but all he did was pout and cry.

"dont you love me? cmon ill just do all the work this time!" he whines and you just sigh in defeat.

"alright fine...just only one time." he would nod before dragging you to the bedroom, already taking yours and his clothes off.

"n-ngh-! ah-fuck.." you moaned out as he ate your pussy out as if he hasn't eaten in years. slurping and licking your folds, sucking on your clit. "so good~ you taste so good..." he would mutter out.

he was always so hungry for your pussy, always chowing down on it as if there was no tomorrow. eating your pussy out as he rubbed his cock against the mattress to get some friction. even if you were begging him to slow down and trying to get away sometimes, he would just pull you back in by the thighs and eat you out.

if you were tired he would just do everything just so he could cum. bottoming out as he inserted his cock inside. makes him whine in pleasure, he couldnt help but move on the spot! thrusting himself at a fast pace while he kissed you with both elbows resting on both sides of your head.

you would whine, telling him to please slow down but he just couldnt! your pussy felt too good, squeezing so tight and good around his cock, you can basically feel him twitching, knowing he was close.

"gonna cum...! cum..cum cum cum!" he said as his thrusts gets sloppier and faster. "ah-wait not inside!" you screamed out but he kept going till he would reach his high. "kabuki!"

he would finally pull out, cumming on your stomach, and even on your face. then you squirting on his cock and stomach as both of the individuals could be heard trying to catch up their breath. but you can feel him sliding his cock on your folds.

"one more..p-please.." he would stuttered before pushing back in which had you arching. already sensitive from the orgasm you had. a long night soon awaited you.

you loved kabuki, but sometimes he would just annoy you by crying and whining when he didn't get what he wanted. even if you both were shopping for food at the markets, he would get needy, holding onto your arm and already grinding on your thigh.

"'m needy....please..now." you would sigh telling him nows not the time. but he then starts whining, crying which brought attention from other shoppers and it had you embarrassed until you dragged his arm, bringing him to a empty secluded place, behind some strangers house...sure there were other people too but less than the markets.

"god you irritate me so much..." you would say before taking his pants off, then flipping him to the wall, to where his ass stuck out. prodding two fingers around the rim of his ass. he would whimper at the feeling scratching onto the walls of the white concrete.

then finally inserting it inside of him, he would let out a slutty moan, almost loud enough for people to come. thrusting your fingers in and out of him, curling them at the ends, poking at his good spot.

"mmnggh-! nghh ahh~!" kabuki would let out with no shame, not even caring if people heard him, he just felt too good!

"quiet down, or else people will see." he nods and obeys obediently, biting his bottom lip to contain his moans from slipping out. "good boy." you praised him before stroking his cock. and his eyes rolled to the back of his head, moaning and saying incoherent sentences, drooling at the pleasure he was getting.

thrusting your fingers in and stroking his cock was already enough for him to cum on the spot, making a mess on the wall, coated with white sticky cum. leaving him breathing heavily.

sometimes there would be days where youre too tired to even do anything, denying his requests of doing it so you can get some rest, sure it takes some convincing but then he would just pout and say "fine!" with a needy tone.

but little did you know, he would just wait until you passed out, just so he could take your clothes off and insert in his cock in your hole. thrusting in and out, skin slapping skin, just the feeling of your pussy pulsating around his cock. he always got off to the feeling of it and could cum immediately.

after that you would scold him for creating a mess when you were asleep, always feeling sticky and having to clean up.

when you guys had your intimate moments, and this time you told him he could cum inside, he couldn't hold in his excitement. saying "r-really?! okay! ill cum inside..." the thought of cumming inside you always excited him.

there when he first came inside he was so addicted to the feeling. after that he just couldnt stop cumming inside you, your pussy felt too good for him to stop, he would go on and on till his cum was basically translucent.

you would have to be the one initiating in aftercare, always so tired whenever he came multiple times...what did he expect. you would clean yourself and him up, then relaxing in a calming silence of cuddling and telling endearments to which kabuki would command.

requests open!

[t0rturedangel]

𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒 ━ ♡

POST COVID ! KYLE BROFLOVSKI X READER

A/N - I love post covid kyle sm, he's amazing. FYI this is pretty shit so uh yh

KYLE fell onto the other side of the bed, letting out a groan. It was clear that he was annoyed at the fact his old friend- Eric Cartman was his name- and his family began to stay over since they couldnt any where else.

You turned your head to face your husband, a small smile resting on your features. " Hey its okay hun, im sure it wont be too bad " You shifted your body so you'd be on your side, staring at him. Hearing him sigh he turned his head so you'd be face-to-face, his brows knitted " Y/n, you know i love you but you dont know Cartman- he was an absolute asshole when we where younger, he still is now ! "

Quietly laughing, you ran your left hand through his red locks, to which he eased up, letting you do so. He really enjoyed having you by his side, it just made things so much easy for him. " Im sure it'll be fine baby, its been years since you've seen him, im sure he's changed! " " Yeah for the worst " He groaned again before lifting himself up throwing his side of the covers over his body.

His hands quickly grabbed at our waist and pulled you closer to his body, a high pitched yelp left your lips as he did so. Even though he's done this for a good few years it still manages to shock you when he does. He held you body close to his, resting his chin on your head " Ya know, im glad that somehow i managed to find you " he pressed a kiss onto the place where his chin rested not only a second before.

" Same " You grinned against his chest, arms lazily warped around him, " Lets go to sleep now hun, its late " you could hear Kyle hum in agreement but before you could both close your eyes and fall asleep a loud noise and clapping sound could be heard from one of the other rooms. Immediately you could hear Kyle sigh angrily.

Trying to ease him again you gave him a slight squeeze but it did practically nothing as when the voices of Eric and his wife came through the door about their love for Judaism you also got quite annoyed, not to mention uncomfortable. Sensing your discomfort Kyle grumbled quickly letting go of you and getting out of bed, leaving the room.

You knew something bad was gonna happen between the 3 and you really didnt want to intervene even though it would be the best idea to do so. While you were contemplating whether you should or shouldn't go Kyle returned, clearly stressed and upset.

" They'll be gone in the morning n/n " he muttered getting back in the bed, by your side quickly wrapping his arms around you just as he did before. You hummed, brows furrowed "Kyle, let them stay, they have no where else to go " your husband shook his head " No, n/n, i dont want them in our house. They made you uncomfortable for fucks sake! " "So what? Everyone fucks their partner Kyle!" "But no one does it while yelling about their love for Abraham!" "Whatever ..."

deciding to just let it go you pressed your face into his chest, your hold on him loosening causing the man to stiffen, realizing he upset you. he awkwardly hummed, hiding his face in your hair " Ive upset you havent i? ah- shit- I- im sorry babe, i'll uh.... i'll let them stay " you could hear the annoyance in his voice when he talked about letting them staying but you were glad he was gonna let them.

"Thanks hun, i love you"

" I love you too "

[bridgyrose]

Ruby paced around the library as she muttered to herself, still not sure what she was even going to tell Blake and Weiss. Coco hadnt exactly made any of her feelings any clearer, only really muddying things up more. And yet, it wasnt like she could say Coco was wrong even if she wanted to. All she could do was pace and feel her heart race as she waited for her teammates to show. 

The minutes ticked by and soon Ruby found herself sitting down as she waited, fingers tapping against the screen of her scroll as she watched the time. An hour had passed since she texted her teammates, an hour of waiting as her nerves started to get the better of her and still no closer to having the words she wanted to tell them. A sigh left her lips and she leaned back in her chair. “Maybe this was a mistake.” 

“What’s a mistake?” Weiss asked as she walked over. “Sorry it took us so long to get here.” 

Blake nodded and sat down next to Ruby. “Yang wouldnt let us leave until we gave her our opinions on a few items for the dance. Not that she’ll really listen to us anyway.” 

“Yeah, she does get pretty excited about this stuff,” Ruby said as she rubbed the back of her head. “Though, I’m sure the dance will be fine.” 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Weiss asked. “You made it sound important.” 

“Y-yeah,” Ruby nearly stammered with a blush. “I-I wanted to talk to you both about… us.” 

“Us?” Blake asked. “What about us?” 

Ruby went quiet as her words escaped her, not that she had all the words together. “I-I uh… I think we make a good team! And that we should… talk about… maybe spend more time together and…” her voice trailed off for a moment as she felt her heart race. “And to help me be myself again.” 

“Yourself again?”

“You mean like how you havent been focusing in class and the way you’ve been trying to avoid us?” Weiss asked. 

“I havent been trying to avoid you,” Ruby said as she looked away. “Ive been distracted and-” her words started to quiet as she tried to find the right words again. After a moment of silence, she slowly stood up. “Actually, I think this is a mistake. I’m sorry for-” 

“Ruby, what’s going on?” Blake asked as she put a hand on her shoulder. “Whatever it is, Weiss and I can help.” 

Weiss nodded and flashed a small smile. “If you dont tell us what’s going on, then we cant help.” 

“*Its not anything you can help with,*” Ruby thought to herself as she sat back down. “Its not… you cant… I’m… I’m distracted… by both of you.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I cant get either of you out of my head.” Ruby took a breath to try to slow her heart as she felt it pound again, her fingers shook as she clutched the fabric of her skirt. “Maybe I’m sick or something but… at some point I couldnt stop thinking about either of you. My heart flutters when I’m near you, my cheeks heat up, and then I-I lose focus and… and then I…I…” She stopped once she felt her words get caught in her throat, more nervous than she’d been before. 

Blake smiled and rubbed Ruby’s back. “Sounds like love to me.” 

“Its not love!” Ruby half yelled. “Its… its not love, its… its something else. I want you both close and I want to be with you both but not… I dont love you, I just like you both.” 

“And we like you too,” Weiss said, a small blush crossing her own cheeks. “And I know we both want you in our lives too.” 

Blake nodded. “Though we should start getting back to the dorm. Its almost curfew and we dont need to get in trouble again.” 

“Yeah, we should head back.” Ruby stood up with Blake, her heart no longer pounding in her chest but her blush still just as deep as it’d been. And yet, she still didnt feel any less nervous around Blake or Weiss, the two of them still in her mind as she walked with them.

Prev

[extranenas]

Mbappe imagine where he confesses his feelings for you

no lies

pairing: kylian mbappe x reader

genre: fluff

plot: that damn guy who youve been crushing since childhood wont just… go away! 16 years and still no confession. maybe your other friends can do it?

extra: set around the 2018 world cup cus i want that sweet teenager love😔😔😔 very rushed and bad tho negl this not my best work LMAOOOO😭😭

masterlist

you sat on your bed- mindlessly scrolling through instagram while waiting for friends to come. of course they came over- they always do. today was special though. real special.

real special till you heard loud knocking- immediately getting up and running to open it.

“sadie…! and whos this?”

“___! i brought the food- youre ready right? oh yea and this liliana. shes gonna help me.”

“ok- come on come on!”

you three both ran in and immediately sat down on the pink rug that your parents living room donned. immediately leaning in and getting into the “zone.”

“so how do you know he likes you? he can just be overly friendly ___ you cant-”

“just hear me out sadie! look ive known him since i was 2 ok? and like maybe he thinks of me as a sister but listen! ever since that world cup hes like- hes been hinting!”

“hinting how ___?”

“hinting! uhm- like he would yknow… hes giving me his clothes to wear… wants to hang out more… he said im his type! like he… we jokingly argue but like he still comple-”

“the actual hints honey. what are they?”

“well… i remember one time during like… a get together i wore the wrong shoes and he gave me his… another time was like- he said he wanted to talk to me more but he couldnt and- sadie just help me stop asking!”

“ok! what you can do is like send a voice message and be like ‘i like you kylian- be my boyfriend?’”

“im not doing that sadie.”

“well be straightforward! guys like that.”

“but hes not any guy! hes kylian.”

“ok whatever. give me your phone.”

“what are you gonna do?”

“just give it to me ___!”

it was about an hour since sadie and liliana took your phone. they kept texting rapidly and whispering until sighing.

“he thinks your cute but thats it ___.”

“or maybe hes lying?” liliana said.

you looked at them two with a puzzled expression.

“you lied and said you two stole my phone?”

“well it worked didnt it?” liliana.

“but all he said is that he liked me lil. nothing else.”

“just wait ___. the time will come.”

and the time did come.

it was now nighttime and you checked your phone nonstop for a response till you heard knocking. you immediately got up and opened the door, thinking it was your mom till you saw kylian.

“ky? whats up?”

“do you like me ___? no lies- please.”

“what? what do you mean i- how- huh?”

you immediately tensed up and stumbled- pretending to not know.

“sadie and some other girl texted me on your phone saying it got stolen. they told me and stuff. do you really like me?”

“i… i do kylian. i always have.”

“why? i mean why me? your parents-”

“who cares kylian! your family loves mines and thats why we known eachother since like birth! who cares if my dad wants me to get with some like… important guy- youre more important than him!”

“but your whole family is at stake ___!”

“i dont care!”

“they could help you guys with finances and-”

“shut up kylian! do you like me or not! please!”

he soon got quiet and sighed; taking your hand in his.

“i do ___. and its kinda weird cause i grew up with you but i always did. even if you were with other people or i was dating. i was just scared.”

“why did you never tell me…?”

“i just said i was scared!”

“dont be!”

“i just confessed ___ we aren’t gonna argue about this.”

you smiled before kissing his cheek. hugging him tightly with a giggle. knowing that you two always argued about nothing was still there- even in this tense moment.

“i know that.”

“so what now?”

“youre my girlfriend now right?”

“well duh.”

“ok ___ thats enough.”

[jaemified]

camera - yang jungwon

“you only love me on camera”

pairing ; yang jungwon x reader

genre ; angst, idol au

warnings ; swearing, very brief slapping

wordcount ; 0.7k

synopsis ; lee y/n and yang jungwon have always been seen as the ‘perfect’ couple in the industry, but whats seen as flawless is only on camera.

read below the cut !

y/n scrolled through the ipad, reading what engenes were saying about the two of them on live. "'you are a great mubank host, im sad your contract is ending soon.' thank you! im sad my contract is ending too. hopefully there will be another chance like this again!" she flashed a genuine smile.

"-'you guys are so cute together', awe thank you!" y/n expressed her gratitude to the camera while reading a comment out loud.

jungwon wrapped an arm around the girl beside him, rubbing her shoulder before checking his phone to read another comment from your fandoms.

"-'will we ever get a vlog of the two of you together?', well we cant say much, but you can expect one coming soon." jungwon replied with a nod.

"well its getting pretty late and we have music bank tomorrow. remember to stream bite me and support us on our latest comeback. bye engenes, love you always!" and with that, jungwon immediately removed his arm from y/n as he cut the cameras.

"i was wondering if we could go out to dinner tonight? maybe talk or even go over the script? just the two of us."

without even looking up from his computer as he responded to emails, jungwon answered y/n by saying, "y/n, you know we arent really together right? its all just a contractual arrangement for my sake, so my group and i can promote." he chuckled.

she gripped her plastic water bottle in slight annoyance and anger. of course she had known, she had always known. she just never wanted to admit to it. being together was purely for publicity, and seeing as they were in front of cameras practically 24/7, it felt all too real for y/n to want to accept it was all only on camera.

"why do you hate me?"

"what kind of question is that? i dont hate you, im just keeping it professional." jungwon mumbled with a slight tone to it.

y/n scoffed.

"so being a dick to me is considered 'being professional' now? youre so nice to all your other female colleagues. why cant you be the same with me?"

she was upset, rightfully so. i mean, she thought she found someone who cared for her even if it were just as a friend, but truthfully, he couldnt even do that in the very least.

jungwon finally looked up from his laptop, drafting the current email he was in the middle of.

he crossed his arms and looked the girl before him in the eyes.

"because youre the only one ive ever been forced to date. and sure, youre pretty but you arent exactly my type. not to mention it was inexplicably sudden."

"i really thought we were bonding, even if it were just as friends. theres nothing wrong with wanting to go out for food. we do so much on camera, so why cant we have fun without it?" y/n argued back, though still slightly offended.

"its all on contract. you read it, you signed it as did i. we both knew what it is we agreed to. so why should that suddenly change just because of however you feel?"

she walked up closer to jungwon, noses almost touching, looking deep into his eyes before whispering then stepping back.

"youre a prick."

there was a loud clap in the air, the sound of y/ns hand colliding with jungwons cheek, more specifically so.

"youre a liar."

another slap to the face.

"and youre nothing but a selfish bastard! did everything we ever shared mean nothing to you? i gave you nothing but my all, i thought what we had was genuine but no, you want to let go of that too!"

"y/n.."

"no! dont 'y/n' me now that im getting mad. you never cared while i was calm. is all it is you expect me to do is just sit there and look pretty? to make you look good because you got the wealthy, pretty girl on your arm?"

"y/n."

tears flowed down her face and she stared at his flushed red cheeks due to the force of her last slap, as well as the emotion that hit him along with it.

"wanna know why i dont give a fuck about the contract? because i loved you, i really did! and i thought you felt the same. but no,"

"now i know. you only love me on camera."'

[senseioftheseidiots]

Me with Canon Wu: You let your brother go get your stuff for you and look what happened. You made a 'friend' of a Serpentine and taught her something you shouldn't have and looked what happen ! You filled a young child's mind up with dreams and broke them down and look what happened !! And even now with the Ninja, you don't tell them a single warning before they go into battle and LOOK WHAT'S STILL HAPPENING !! And after all of that, I find myself-!! Me with Your Wu:...still coming back here even though I shouldn't because you really need help with your issues and everyone makes mistakes and your superior- Nah, nah, I'm kidding but in all seriousness, your version is kind of what I want to believe for the character now. I don't hate on the original Wu since you can't beat the original but you also can't beat the fanon ! So with lots of love, enjoy making more content for him !

This has been sitting in my asks because I completely forgot about it- so ill use this as a headcanon dump, thankyou >:) You throw out alot of points here on the segment for canon wu, so let me throw in things ive held onto in hc to all of it PLEASE NOTE MOST IF NOT ALL OF THESE IS HC ALONE/TIMELINE SPECULATION "You let your brother go get your stuff for you and look what happened." This happened AFTER the meet with aspheera I believe, after it happened the two were forbidden to go outside monastery walls without permission, completely isolating them from the outside world in hopes nothing like that would happen again. Wu at this point was incredibly afraid to disobey his father because if their punishment from last time was isolation from a world outside their monastery, what more could happen to them? [it only got worse from there, but we arent talking about that yet.] "You made a 'friend' of a Serpentine and taught her something you shouldn't have and looked what happen !" Wu genuinely just wanted to be friends with someone, being the sons of god the fsm was rather picky on who exactly got to see the two. And he's never made proper connections until now, through out the entirety of their childhood [before teens] im pretty sure all wu knew as companionship was his brother, and when he found someone willing to help them, he didnt want to think about the warnings for the chance that she might actually be good, and that keeping a promise was the way to gain a friend " You filled a young child's mind up with dreams and broke them down and look what happened !! " If were talking about morro here, ANOTHER HC TIME to fuel my delulu state, look- He didnt WANT him to fight garmadon, hear me out here- if you go back to the scene of morro being tested to be the green ninja, the sword of fire ISNT the sword of fire. My hc here is this is the ONE time he's tried to change destiny for the better. It doesnt mean morro was destined, no, this was going to happen either way, but he tried changing destiny because this wasnt morro's fight, and he was afraid of what may need to come if it DID end up being him that was destined. He didnt want that. But when he did do it and got his own student killed [he tried finding him. he tried getting him back, he didnt want to come back.] He gave up. And this is where his mindset solidified, he couldnt change destiny, people will die, and itll be his fault. This was his fathers punishment for him. " And even now with the Ninja, you don't tell them a single warning before they go into battle and LOOK WHAT'S STILL HAPPENING !! " This one is funny to me cause, one, wu doesnt know how to fucking trauma dump I dont think he would even be able to think about it unless someone asks him, its actually the 'it never came up' thing. BUT, he wouldnt want to say much too quickly due to Morro's incident. Hell he didnt even want the ninja to see the green ninja scroll. If he had said too much too quickly, well theyll either turn evil or die..or both-

" .still coming back here even though I shouldn't because you really need help with your issues and everyone makes mistakes and your superior- " Hehe, thank you!!! I hope you enjoy the buncha headcanons i have here for you

[unlimitedtrees]

talkin' about the largest level from my game, 'UNITRES Dreams' , called ~DREAMSCAPE DISTANCE - SECTION 2~

hello. today i want to talk about the level 'Dreamscape Distance - Section 2' from the game i made, 'UNITRES Dreams'. this level is one of the largest levels i've ever made in any of my games, and it's something i'm really proud of and want to talk a little bit about. so click the read more thingy if you wish to learn more about it,,

also , By The Way, play da on newgrounds ehehehehe ~! or u can download it on itch.io too if you want

the version of this level in the final version of the game is one of the most ambitious things ive ever done and is something im Really proud of. to sum it up... it is the largest level in the entire game, with tons of paths and secrets, with there being things you can only find once in the level in Very Specific places. it was one of the last levels to be completed, and it's one of my favorites. but before i can get into the specifics... i want to first talk about its history.

when development of unitres dreams began, it was a much slower paced game, with the controls being a lot more simplistic and level design being more focused on linear platforming against enemies that constantly shoot bullets at you. both 'sections' of dreamscape distance were completely different early in development, having a different tileset and level layouts.

dreamscape distance - section 2 at this time was a lot more basic than the one in the current version of the game. it was linear and didnt have a whole lot of stuff going on. in fact, when i first invisioned it, it wasn't supposed to be anything. it was kind of just another city level where at the end you fight against the spaghetti monster you just created in a cutscene in the last level. there was One other thing i had in mind when i first created the level, but unforunately it was cut from the final game. i was planning on having there be puzzles in this level which youd solve using the party swapping mechanic. each character would have separate traits which would be used in the puzzle. i dont remember fully what the puzzles would have been like, but i think you wouldve had to the '??????' character to punch the 'trees' character across the room. sadly, at that time of development i originally gave myself a deadline of having the entire game come out on may 9, which was like less than 3 months from when i started development on the game. So, with me having little time to come up with the planning and programming and artwork for an entire puzzle section in One level, i decided to just remove it. this meant that the party swapping mechanic in the final game had a lot less purpose than what i hoped it would have... but oh well.

one idea i Tried to implement from the very beginning of the level's conception was the flying car gimmick... i wanted to have a set piece where you're flying through buildings and ships, shooting enemies with bullets and having the spaghetti boss fight be a bullet hell fight... but Well...

not only was the car itself kind of messy, but the spaghetti boss ended up being really disappointing for me. since the screen's size was really small, there wasnt a whole lot of room for you to move around in. not only that, but i couldnt really do any complex attacks from the boss, as all the bullets took up a lot of space on screen and you couldnt really see things coming ahead. so, all of the boss's moves are very basic and either incredibly easy to dodge or incredibly annoying to dodge.

so yea. i was really disappointed overall with the game back then. so, i then decided to completely change the gameplay to be more fast paced, have more movement abilities, and have more open levels with things to do. i also decided on completely remaking most of the old levels, with both of the Dreamscape Distance sections being entirely remade with new art, level design, and gimmicks. i wanted the new levels to be prettier, more fun to go through, and to leave a really good first impression. Dreamscape Distance - Section 1 was one of the first levels i remade (and i might have a lot to talk about it later... we'll see!), but Dreamscape Distance - Section 2 was one of the last levels to be finished, as at first i wasnt sure what i wanted to do with it yet.

But Then, i finally realized what i wanted to do with it, and i spent like a whole entire month dedicated to making it the most largest level ive Ever made... i wanted it to be a sort of magnum opus for me. i wanted this level to leave a lasting impression on you at the very beginning of the game. I spent Days working on just the level collision Alone, and took even longer putting in all the artwork and objects. the level even got updated multiple times to add even More stuff to it after the game came out...

and well, im not sure if other people feel the same about it, but for me it is one of my favorite levels in the whole game. im gonna talk about it now.

first off, i wanna talk about the inspirations for the level. i wanted to turn it from a simple "city area" into a whole mall area. i wanted it to feel Huge and dreamlike, so a lot of it is inspired by my own personal memories of an old mall i used to go to when i was young. one Specific thing i can bring up is the air balloons area that appears at the beginning of the level...

you see, the mall i used to go to had this sort of sculpture thing of a cartoony air balloon in the clouds... i dont remember much of it but i wanted to include something like it in the level. it's something you can Easily miss, but just before you encounter the first POLYCAR section, you can find a bunch of large air balloons floating above, and you can even bounce on the balloons like large bumpers.. it is such a specific set piece that only appears at this specific part of the level that i love so much. my only wish is that i spent more time on the art for the balloons themselves,, theyre kind of just a repeating tile set, but it is what it is.

that area is actually full with even More specific things you can only find there. just below where the balloons are, there is an entire part of the level where you can find two hidden NPCs if you go down far enough... i wont say who one of them are, but i Will tell you about the 'Vie' character...

when you first talk to her, she will give trees all of her flowers so that they can spread them all across the levels. every level from then on will have flowers placed All Over. it is such a small detail that i loved implementing, and it's something you can Only find in one incredibly easy to miss area. That is kind of what the whole spirit of the game is for me and what i want to implement in my future works,, the idea of there always being something new to find,, i wanted it so you can just get Lost in this level and find something weird to do. i may not have been able to accomplish a Whole lot with this (due to me being the Only developer working on this in my spare time), but i am really proud of what i managed to accomplish with this game...

Anyways, speaking of NPCs, this level has the Most NPCs out of every level in the game, and some of them are in Incredibly Specific places. a lot of the NPCs are actually cameos from my close friend's OCs, and im really happy they let me include their characters as little secrets in my silly little game. my Only regret is that i didnt get to create as many original characters as i wanted (as making the NPC sprites along with dialogue portraits and writing takes Longer Than You Think), but i at least was able to implement the clown trio in Chaotic Carnival... which is a story for another day...

So , after the room with the balloons, you enter the first area with the 'POLYCAR'. the design is a Lot simpler... just a diamond that moves around, but i like it a lot more than the old design, and it even controls better too. one of the important changes i made to the new version of the car is that the screen actually zooms out when you enter it, this allowed me to make the car sections more larger and for the spaghetti boss to actually be Good and like an actual bullet hell. But Anyways...

after the first POLYCAR section, you are dropped into an area with two SAVE points, along with a sign in the middle that tells you that that there's a left and right path you can take. these signs were something added later on in an update as a sort of easier way of adding more NPCs into the level without actually designing a new character, and i really like them. i managed to add a lot of these in a bunch of random spots, and while i am not proud of most of my writing, i Really like some of the stuff i wrote for these signs. they're Interesting.

so, something that only this level does is there's a left and right path which takes you to entirely different parts of the level. the left path has a few level gimmicks that dont appear at any other part in the level and is also a faster path to take, while the right path is Large and has tons of NPCs and set pieces that you skip by taking the left path. this is something ive Always wanted to, from even as far back as my old fangames, but always been afraid of doing as in a lot of cases, players will just get Lost when you make the level go in a direction that Isn't just a straight path forwards. Luckily, i think this kind of level design worked here, as the left path is a Little more linear and easy to get through compared to the right path. the left path is also more crazier, with you having to go Down, then right and then left again. so it's probably a bit more confusing, but the few playthroughs ive seen of it seem to understand it after a bit, so i think it worked out.

the left path i wont get into too much, as i think it's better for you to experience for yourself. i Will say that there's a window sprite you can find there that doesnt appear anywhere else in the level. i wanted that part of the level to feel more like a City than the rest of the level, but i didnt get to do as much with it due to time. it's still pretty neat, though. the left path is generally focused on straight Gameplay, while the right path (which is the one most people take) has a lot more Things to do.

for one, the right path is very Vertical, with tons of little areas you can find. i wanted to make the right path look like a bunch of shops, but while i didnt get to make too much art for it, you can find things such as tiny cash registers and shelves, along with scrolling walls with hearts, stars, and diamonds on them. there are, of course, Tons of NPCs and signs you can find here.

one specific NPC i'll tell you about is the 'Stealth' NPC, who is based off my friend stealth's squirrel character. just to the right of him, you can find a swimming pool which appears Nowhere Else in the level, along with a polygonal palmtree. something else you can find which only appears on the right path are escalators which move you upwards... these are also inspired by the old mall, and while i wish i couldve designed better artwork for them, i just like that theyre there.

there's a lot of specific gimmicks and areas in the right path that you can just Miss by only going one way. i dont think i will reveal every single NPC and secret in this level as i think it's best to find it yourself, but i Will say that at the very bottom of the right path you can find a hidden area with a hidden sign and NPC..

last specific little thingy about the level ill get into is that, at the end of the level you exit the mall and the background turns into a bright night sky with an ocean full of little flowers. i have nothing much to say about this other than it's pretty. also at the end of the level i tried doing a little thing where you have to go right and then left and the up and right again to get to the end, which is something i tried carrying over from the old level. idk if it worked out well but i like it anyways LOL!

so. now that ive talked about all the specific parts of the level that make me love it a lot, let me get into the Issues with this level. you see, it being large is a Curse. with it being the largest level in the game with the most objects in it, it lags like Hell. at least for me, anyways. on both of my computers it runs at like, 40 fps during most of the level, and at like 30 fps and the very end of the level. Now, i have seen people run the level at 60 fps... id imagine youd need a good pc to actually run it at full speed. but it isnt too slow for me that it's Unplayable.. and my computers arent exactly Powerful.. so i cant imagine how this level plays on a computer that is Worse. there's nothing i can really do about it. the lag is kind of the only thing that prevents me from replaying this level a billion times, especially since it Also takes awhile to load the level. it's a small price to pay for ambition...

my last real problem with the level is that i wish i could do even More with it. theres so much i wish i could add to it to make it feel even more alive,, such as making the "shops" feel like Actual Shops. i designed the level collision first before anything, so there are a lot of things i had in mind that i never got to fully detail with the artwork. my biggest fear with adding more art is that id make the level lag even More.. which is something i dont want to do. i think the big culprit for the lag is the scrolling walls with the hearts and stars on them... You See, i am Stupid and dont know how to make proper effects in construct 2... and the tiled background object type which is good for the sort of repeated texture that is used in the game can Not be animated.. so in order to pull off the scrolling animation, i made a 32x32 object with a bunch of frames for the animation and just. Copied that object a billion times. so there are Thousands of instances of this object all across the level. so yeah, that is very bad and dumb of me and i probably couldve done something way better. idk.

overall, even if i didnt manage to fully go all the way with the level, im still really proud of what i managed to do with it and the level is really important to me. i think the only time ive managed to Somewhat surpass it so far was with the level in the demo for my game 'TREES' ADVENTURE', which i tried making just as large and open as this level, along with having tons of secrets. That level i will probably have to talk about another time, but for now i'll say that while it is probably one of my most polished and prettiest levels ive Ever made, i still wish i couldve done more with it and also it just doesn't have as much going on as Dreamscape Distance - Section 2 does.

so yea. dreamscape distance - section 2 is one of the most prettiest levels ive ever made and is absolutely massive. if you're a freak for Sonic CD like me, i dare you to play it and spend as much time as you want in it, exploring for all the secrets. it may not be a Whole lot, but you might find something really neat. i hope someday someone could appreciate the weird stuff ive made the same way i have, but also i'm just fine with having this level even exist. there isn't anything like it.

that's All, play unitres dreams on newgrounds dot com EHEHHEEHE !!

[waywardgardenfury]

i (now) use arch btw

after a few months of not posting anything here, i finally managed to get arch working with awesomewm :)

initially when i tried a few months back, it was going fine until i could no longer hear audio for some reason lol. after searching for a solution i eventually gave up and retreated back to mint for the time being. after getting my infamous itch to just nuke everything and start again, i reinstalled arch and tried once again and i gotta say, its been going REALLY well.

the first time i ever attempted an install of arch (before archinstall was a thing) i somehow forgot to install a network manager and therefore couldnt really do much else. i really enjoyed setting it all up manually, but the fact that in the end i didnt really have it working was very annoying. the next time around, archinstall was there to back me up and its made everything so much easier!!! for me its broken down the barrier of entry significantly. i simply chose the desktop setup i wanted, and it chose the relevant packages. i went with a window manager rather than a full desktop environment this time around, more specifically awesomeWM. i wanted to go with something more bare-bones and configure it from the ground up so i could learn what sort of packages go into a full de. in addition people often talk about how much more efficient they find using wms, both productivity and resource wise. i see why! my entire operating system on boot uses like <500mb of ram, which is baffling that its possible. plus, the use of shortcuts of navigating around has been great.

i ended up going with awesome as nvidia has been absolutely the biggest issue with this whole process. for some reason my graphics card just HATES wayland which eliminates some options off the bat. ive had soo many issues in the past with it, so trying to use xorg is probably my best bet going forward and luckily its still a very popular choice, no shortage of resources for me. i did have a few issues setting it up on arch, as i wasnt really familiar with how to configure it at first but getting nvidia-settings it made it much easier for me for now.

pacman was an interesting change to get used to. discovering that it didnt have some packages that i have usually was interesting, but then shortly i discovered the aur and yay. it opened me up to a wide range of new packages that werent even on some of the package managers i had tried previously, like dnf and apt. in contrast to those, i found pacman and now yay much easier and incredibly fast to use. there just becomes more and more reasons to use arch every time i open it haha.

one of the things i havent got around to choosing is a file manager. having to navigate my files entirely by terminal has helped build the muscle memory of commands i didnt know before. plus may even be faster than i found previously? i may get around to setting up some aliases if i feel like i could shorten some tasks. using cli packages in terminal over graphical packages has helped me to learn git some more as well, which im sure will be useful for me in the years to come. in regards to the terminal too, im looking into switching to zsh instead of bash which i currently dont know what the difference is between shells or what they do exactly but ill find out.

i have only been using arch consistently for a few days at this point. and awesome is still pretty ugly, so the next task for me is to spice it up a bit with some theming. i dont have much, if any, experience with lua, which apparently is the language that awesome uses to write its dotfiles (also took me a minute to learn what dotfiles actually were). the last time i used lua was probably in roblox studio at like the age of 10 or something, so its been a while. i have a few articles and videos lined up that i need to watch for an introduction, so i already have an idea of where to start. with that said however, if anyone has any advice or tips send them my way!

now the obvious question for myself after this is what project am i actually going to do next? i want to actually develop software but i find it extremely intimidating. so there are a couple options for me going forward. one of the big ideas in my mind is developing a longer form game project in godot. i have developed smaller projects in the past to get used to the engine, but i want to try my hand at doing something over the course of multiple weeks. i have poor time management skills and tend to get sidetracked with other projects but i really want something i can chip away at every day for a few hours. and i think a game could be just that! plus, it gives me a creative outlet as well. i can make the music and art for that and combine a few hobbies into one.

arch & awesome has been definitely an interesting change to get used to, but it has been so fun! learning how to do everything myself has been what i have been craving and every day i regret abandoning windows less and less. i cannot sing the praises of linux and its community enough for scratching my brain in the right places! at some point i want to make a post detailing my full journey with linux, so keep an eye or two out for that.

if anyone wants to talk with me about any of this feel free to send me a message! dms are always open :)

[chiimeramanticore]

any thoughts/headcanons/ideas/takes you feel compelled to share on a whim? about anything in particular?

this is an older ask thats been sitting in my inbox but i wanna use it as my opportunity to talk about benny while im still fnvposting bc BOY do i have thoughts about benny and BOY do i have a story for you guys

so as i briefly mentioned before, i had decided to do the yes man route before i even played the game bc i just wanted to play for him at first lol. i didnt know how closely tied yes man was to benny before meeting him- my main 2 goals were "get that bastard who shot me" and "find my robot boyfriend" lmao

when i got to the strip and confronted benny, he convinced me to go up to the presidential suite and told me he'd meet me there- ofc this was a trap, but with a good speech check (like i said, a good speech check makes for some of my favorite moments in the game) i managed to convince him to let me go . i dont even remember what i said (i think it was something like "if you let me go i won't follow you") but i remember he was like ".....i cant believe im actually letting you live" and in that moment i was like Ohh im in this fuckers head now

since then ive been imagining this semi-homoerotic rivalry between us, a la tom and jerry or cooper and propeller knight lmao. he skipped town immediately made a run for the fort (obviously. him letting me live didnt mean he was done trying to take over vegas) and i ran after him bc. well i needed that chip too lmao . when i got to the fort i found him captured by the legion, and i finally had the opportunity to talk to him at length.

after learning his backstory and motivations, i realized, i dont actually hate benny nearly as much as i thought i did? like he's an asshole for sure, and he will always be the guy who shot me in the head lol but like, he wasnt like... evil yknow. i realized i saw a lot of myself in him- he's just one guy who took a look at the world and realized he didnt like any of it, and wanted to change it... but he's also only one guy. it felt like we started out in the same position, and he lost his way at some point. he kinda epitomized my own (in-character) fear that whatever i did with new vegas after taking over wouldn't be the right decisions to make. and god i felt bad for him

so i tried to let him go. twice lol . i went out of my way to find a stealth boy for him like he asked, but he was a stupid asshole and activated it immediately when i gave it to him and then we both died dfkghk so i did the bunker mission and went back to caesar and he was like "ok you can choose how benny dies" and i asked if he could be let go and he was like "haha youre funny. choose something or we're crucifying him" and i was like Okay Okay Sorry

if im being completely honest i felt bad for benny like this. i'd usurped his plans embarrassingly easily, and now he's tied up and on death row because of it. we'd had our exchanges in who had the upper hand, but i didnt wanna just kill him like this, it didn't feel fair. so i told him to fight me in the arena, and he was like. amused by the idea? and we got our stupid machetes from the legion and fought and it was clumsy and messy bc im not good with melee and he's just an npc but there was something kinda perfect and human about it

and then i got the final blow on him. and my game froze. it froze so bad i had to force shut down my pc . the next day i turned it on and guess whose copy of fnv was completely busted! like loading any save or starting a new game would immediately crash the game kind of busted. and then i went to open yes man and SOMEHOW his data was entirely wiped . and i was CRUSHED because that's!!! that's the reason i started playing fnv to begin with!! i put a month of play time into him!! i'd maxed out my relationship with him!! i didnt know if i could even get that progress back!! but i had to go to work and i couldnt stick around to find out!

so i spent ALL day on friday anxious and sad and worried i wouldnt be able to fix things. it took me all weekend but i did eventually get everything fixed (extra special thank u to yes man's dev for helping me w him). but i swear to god i was convinced this was all somehow benny's doing. the game had frozen on a frame of benny mid-machete chest stab, and it was the last thing i saw before all of this happened. after our extended cat and mouse game, after all this back and forth, it felt like he was fucking me over one last time from beyond the grave and beyond even the limitations of the game. i took his life, he took my yes man. like seriously yes man was literally the only other program that was affected by the crash, it FELT targeted lmao

when i got the game working again, i had to replay the sequence where i killed benny and it didnt crash when i killed him this time. actually seeing him fall to the ground dead was oddly both cathartic and painful. i took his belongings (which felt kinda disrespectful but im sure he'd have wanted me to lol) and i left the fort wearing his suit. i gave yes man his gun (maria, which i love that he named, the loser)

i dont think benny was Right (though i dont think anyone in this game is meant to be entirely Right lol) but i also think he had the right idea going in. he's equal parts inspiring and a cautionary tale and i hate him just as much as i love him. he might be my favorite character in this game. i'll miss you, you asshole

[haloburns]

had some free time to think today and i just. got really sad about the life i used to think i was going to have before i became disabled

(whoops this turned into a Journal Entry, so im putting it beneath a read more sry lmao)

like. i had plans to travel europe and work in cafes and stay out too late in clubs with my new friends and then stumble in to open the cafe with my clothes from the night before and smeared makeup. and like, maybe thats a weird dream to have, but id spent so long in this tiny little box in my hometown (kinda. its complicated bc ive lived where i am now longer than the place i was born, but my birthplace will always be my hometown, to me.) so i was reaching for experiences so drastically different from the life id known.

but then i went to college out of state. 10h from home, almost in canada. and i did spend a good chunk of my first two years partying exactly like i described: work until 8/9, go home eat something fatty and greasy, change into smth slutty and cool, and go out with my friends and stay out until the wee hours, making out and dancing with whoever asked. two one night stands came of it, both embarrassing for different reasons (thats a whole different post lmao but i dont regret either, actually) but i had so much fun. i felt free. like i could truly be myself for the first time in my life

and then i became disabled.

(caveat: ive probably been disabled my whole life, but i simply. never noticed. i didnt know it wasnt normal to be in pain, because i didnt know what 'pain-free' meant. it wasnt until i started making diasbled and crippled friends that they made me realize that living at a 4/5 on the pain scale All The Time is in fact not normal)

i got a terrible cold my first thanksgiving. spent the entire break on the couch in the lounge sniffling and coughing, trash can, tissues, hand sanitizer, and lotion all right next to me because i was DETERMINED not to get anyone sick (context: this was pre covid. wearing masks was like. not a thought.) despite everyone having gone home/away for the break. i got my first (and only) case of viral pink eye. i had bronchitis until april. that same january, while i still had bronchitis, my knees suddenly swelled up so badly i couldnt move for two days. my knees have ached almost daily since then.

from there, it was simply a cascade failure of things. fingers and wrist hurt constantly, no matter what i did or what brace i wore. (hint: i ended up having de quervaines tenosynovitis and had to have surgery bc it went untreated for 5+ years) back was constantly cramping. feet hurt after only a four hour shift. stairs became impossible. i was constantly exhausted, no matter what i did.

then, in december 2020, i was home like everyone else, and i was working in my mom's office full time while also attending classes full time remotely (like everyone else). my mom took a week off. finals week. she left me in charge, since i was the second most senior person in the office with my roughly two years experience. my half sister was demanding to know why our other sister wouldnt talk to her after she borrowed our car to go see our estranged father. again. (we gave her permission to borrow the car, but it still hurt). the exhaustion was getting worse and worse until thursday of that week. my coworker was threatening to call my mom to come pick me up because i couldnt think, could barely talk, and i was nodding off at my desk. and then my half sister called out of nowhere and wanted to talk. and i was so tired, so done with EVERYTHING, i let her have it. that took the last bit of my energy and i told my coworker to call my mom.

i spent a week in bed with the worst pain in my life. my entire body ACHED. my cat couldnt lay on me because it felt like i was being crushed to death my a bed of needles. my elbow swelled up so badly i could hardly move it. i could barely sit up to eat or stand to go pee. i slept SO MUCH.

i returned to work maybe a week or two after. i maybe finished my classes but i hoenstly dont remember. i moved back up to school in jan/feb with covid restrictions so i could finish my senior year on campus. i couldnt walk to the mail room and back without needing a nap. i couldnt go to starbucks and bring back two coffees without needing a break in the middle of my walk. i went to the health services because something wasnt right.

after some tests and lots of arguing with some shitty doctors and PTs, the light of my life, dr k diagnosed me with chronic fatigue. i finally had an answer for all my issues.

i thought that was it.

that summer, june/july 2021, i developed postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and fought to get it taken seriously. two er trips with elevated heart rate, brain fog, and high bp, and it took the second trip to have them take me SERIOUSLY and get a referral. the cardiologist told me i was fat and just needed to exercise more, the three heart monitors don't show stereotypical tachycardic events, so im just experiencing elevated heart rates. i was fine. finally convince him to put me on propranolol, the "as needed" dose, and fuck off when he says he wants to work me off them and get me exercising.

i found a doctor who took me seriously and listened when i said "i have x problem. i would like a solution." and gave me referral after referral after referral, chasing more and more diagnoses. she never once made me feel insane for my symptoms, never made me feel unheard, and she never failed to make me cry in relief every time i went to see her and didnt have to fight for just an ounce of care.

since then, ive been diagnosed with moderate asthma, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, and potentially (almost assuredly) hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome. (for those of you keeping track, thats six diagnoses in four years) dr m, my savior, retired this year, and ive found a new doctor im hoping i can teach to treat me with the same care and respect. shes already given me a second referral to gastroenterology for my stomach issues (which... might just be from too much ibuprofen... :) rip me) and neurology bc my migraines that have crippled me for upwards of a month before are no longer being managed by my meds and i need something more specific before i start new meds. she said shed find me a doctor to dx heds, bc shes still new and wasnt comfortable with the tests required and didnt want to do it wrong, which endears her to me just a little more

but all of ^^^ that is just a big winding way to say that my life has changed a LOT since i graduated high school. i can no longer stand for long periods of time. i cant lift more than maybe 5-10lbs, and i certainly cant carry it for any significant length of time. i get migraines so easily. my joints slip out of place if i step wrong. i cant go out one night and expect to be up and at'em early the next day. i have to weigh my energy vs what i want to get done vs what needs to get done, and most days, nothing gets done at all.

and sometimes, usually when i get a new diagnosis and a new complication to my life, i mourn the life i used to dream about for myself. i mourn the things ive had to lose out on because my reality has changed so drastically. i cant go to amusement parks anymore. i cant go to standing-room-only concerts. i cant go to the grocery by myself. and you can forget doing things like wandering through the mall to kill time or going for a leisurely walk around the park.

being disabled is not the worst thing to happen to me, and i dont think im damaged or broken or anything like that. despite all the pain and complications and accomodations i have and need, i love myself the way i am. after all, i am now the funniest fucking person in ANY room. i dont think i want it back, because i love the life i have now (meaningful volunteer work, a dnd group i love, and a partner i thank the stars for regularly). but sometimes, its hard not to mourn the life i thought id have

[mbat]

no cause earlier i had a straight guy i know telling me and my friend what we could and couldnt say as gay people?? and it was like? girl whered you get the authority??

cause. okay so me and my friends like to throw around the faggot word as a joke in private just because we find it funny, we dont use it to insult people we just use it in a silly way yknow, and obviously i reblog stuff on tumblr that also has that word occasionally

and in the discord i posted a meme that had it, it was literally just this:

and this dude is like "language" and i thought he was joking like in that way that people say language when someone curses or whatever, but he was NOT

AND HE WAS LIKE 'I DONT FIND BIGOTRY FUNNY' IM QUEER?? ME AND MY FRIEND ARE BOTH QUEER??? the meme wasnt even directed at anyone ??

and he just suddenly starts arguing with us hardcore about how no one should say slurs and how its bigoted no matter how people use it, even gay people.

and we were trying to say 'this is us reclaiming a word that has literally been used against our people and us specifically because its taking back power that we didnt have before, and its taking the power away from this word that was used to hurt people before, and instead making it a funny silly thing so that its powerless' and whatever yknow?

and this dude was just NOT listening. bro did not read a thing i swear. and when we all just started trying to send memes to make him shut the fuck up cause we were clearly done with the conversation but he wasnt. he had the GALL to say 'you know im right and youre deflecting because you dont have any real justification' SHUT UPPP SHUT THE FUCK UP

the way me and my friend in a private chat were talking about all the ways that being queer has been difficult for us, specifically the ways that queerphobic people have attacked us both online and irl, how reclaiming these words is like saying fuck you to all those people who did those awful things. like... this guy who has NEVER experienced any of that stuff AND NEVER COULD was trying to tell us how we should handle our own identities. where did you get the authority.

like, literally people have come into queer spaces ive been in before and spammed transphobic caricatures and nazi imagery, sent full on porn in the main chat in a server that had minors in it (it was a fucking minecraft server of all places too), someone has literally sent me an image of literal corpses because im queer. i still remember the way i felt the first time someone called me a tranny, it sent a shock through my whole body. it wasnt that it necessarily even hurt, but it felt like i was a tuning fork that got smacked against a wall at full force.

so yeah. i will say the words faggot and tranny in a silly little way all i want, and someone whos never been in my place cant tell me not to. if theres anyone who shouldnt be allowed to say these words, its the people who did all those things i mentioned above, because they would only ever use those words as a weapon. using these words, for me, is like taking a sword and melting it down into a little dog statue, just a silly little thing.

look, its valid, MORE than valid, for people to be uncomfortable with these words, and not like them, and not want them said around them and especially about them, but you cant tell me that i cant say it in my own life. this guy wasnt advocating that we simply stop using it in the discord, he was outright saying we just never say it ever again. and that was just like... who gave you the right? weve fought for this. weve been through a lot for this. i spent a lot of years scared of so many things and words, and im sick of being scared.

i know this was super dramatic over a stupid discord argument but it really came out of nowhere and made me reflect on a few things. i love to reclaim words (that i can) and, to an extent, imagery and stereotypes, because it feels so good to turn these harmful things into something that makes me laugh, or hell, even just smile. i dont care that its weird, i dont care that it probably looks bad, because like... honestly fuck off? its my life.

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you gave me the best weekend of my life, you know.

my dad was going on a business trip in a state that was right next to yours, though i remember it still took you guys 5 hours to drive to the city, and 9 hours for me and my family. isnt it crazy how big this country is? we arent even on the larger half of it, either.

when i first saw you, i was scared. i was paranoid and young, and you were the first person from online i had ever met in person, despite my years of befriending people online. im glad it was you. it couldnt have ever been anyone else.

i was scared maybe i was lied to, that somehow it wasnt you, but i knew it was. i was a scared mentally ill kid and i was in the beginnings of something we both know got worse, and ill never stop being sorry for how i treated you when it did. you never deserved that, and it was never your fault. i shouldnt have done what i did, i shouldnt have.

i remember that first while was awkward, but itd be weird if it wasnt, right?

our first stop had to have been the bird sanctuary, i believe. so many birds of all kinds, and there was even bats! both of our favorite animals in one building, though i dont think the specific breeds we loved. that was okay. it was my first and only time seeing my favorite animal in person, it was amazing.

i remember there was a flying simulator in there, a both high budget and low budget game, if that makes sense. i mean, we had to lay on a t shaped person sized controller, which was wild! but the actual graphics of the cityscape we were meant to fly through were low quality. it was amazing. i remember you crashed, but i didnt. ive always dreamt of being able to fly.

and i remember that the penguin habitat had a dome in the middle that people could climb through a small tunnel into, and we were in there together, and looking at the penguins.

it mustve been that night that you came back to my hotel room, and we watched my favorite show on the couch, using my much too expensive laptop. i remember the deal we made that i didnt keep up my end of, where we watched eachothers favorite shows. im sorry i didnt like yours. i was glad you loved mine.

i dont remember if we saw eachother for most of the next day, i hope we did. the timeline blurs for me, but thats okay, because the timeline isnt what matters.

the boat ride matters. i know i wasnt originally meant to go on it with you guys, but i hope you think of it fondly like i do regardless.

i didnt like really any of the food they put in front of us, but thats not new for me. it only mattered in that single moment when it happened. when dinner was over and everyone was free to go about the boat, we mustve seen so much of it.

your mom and my mom were talking the whole time, trying to keep an eye on us, and taking pictures of us. i hope my mom enjoyed the boat ride, she didnt get to have many experiences like that the last few years of her life. i hate that that only happened 3 years before she died, and its been almost 6 years for me. time is a curse.

we kept trying to avoid them at the time, of course. we were teenagers on a trip away from our homes on a boat ride together down a river, we didnt want our moms watching us. we had to keep traveling about until they finally stopped watching, and it led us to sitting on the top deck, staring off of into the beautiful night lights of that mountain city.

i even remember that at some point the announcer pointed out an abandoned asylum against the river, and we thought it was one that was featured on our favorite ghost hunting show, though i now believe that it wasnt, as when i tried to find it later, i couldnt find that episode. i love the excitement we had, though.

we talked so much, in our special way. i remember i even asked you such a silly question, if people could walk on water when time is stopped. they definitely cant, but we made a whole thing of it.

we even kissed a few times.

at some point we traveled back to the main hall, and it was empty except for the guy in charge of the music. we cuddled together on a seat against the window, watching the city go by. i remember i had you ask if he had any songs from one of my favorite artists, though he only had her most popular song, which i guess makes sense.

i dont think my mom wouldve been upset if she had seen us, but i know your mom wouldve been. does she still not know youre queer? she doesnt need to know, anyway.

you had to go back home after that night, and thats okay. i missed you so much when you did, and all i did for the remainder of the trip was sit in my hotel room and play on my laptop.

maybe its simple looking back, maybe youve had better times since, but for me it was everything. it still is, but only because ive never had better.

i still think of you when i hear breakup songs and think of relationships, even though we never dated. never the angry ones, i promise.

i know youve moved on, and im glad you have. youve been with him for a while, and i hope that means he treats you well. you deserve to be treated well.

i havent moved on because ive been stuck in the past in so many ways for years. when you started talking to me again a few months ago, it drove me insane for the first few weeks, but ive gotten better since. ive been dealing with my past a lot lately, trying to heal.

not heal from you, of course. you never did really anything to hurt me, it was all me. there was only one thing you ever said, but it was my fault it even came up. i know you dont even feel that way anymore.

i feel bad for my future partners, i wonder if they can even top that, honestly. i hope they do, because it would be weird if i constantly compared them to a relationship i had when i was a teenager, but i just wonder. i also dont want to have peaked back then.

but really, regardless of all of that, im glad it happened. ive had good memories and ive had tons of bad, but you gave me my best. youre the person ive been closest to in my life, ever. we arent close anymore, and we never can be again the way we used to be, but thats okay. as long as youre happy, thats okay. i hope i can be happy too.

thank you. for everything.

[thelastevilregal]

oh my god you want hear about problems? i have SO many problems and my Work Therapist just moved to miami so i have a backlog

so .. back in october i accidentally. slept with my housemate uhh not realizing she had had feelings for me for like a year and a half and we ended up dating for like 2 months. i realized i wanted to break it off around thanksgiving but didnt work up the nerve until the new year partly bc i got hit by a car early december and had to get her to pick me up from the er and then she did a lot to take care of me after and. AHH.

im ok now also but. i broke up w her right after we both got back from visiting our families for xmas and i was like i HAVE to do it tonight bc we had scheduled a 'roommate mtg' w all 4 of us to confront our other bitch roommate over how shitty she was acting and i was like. if i dont do this now then our relationship is going to come up in this talk. and i cant sit and defend us while actively wanting to break up ykkkkk?? ughh i felt so bad for it but the straw that had broke the camels back with bitch roommate was that when i told her that me and ex were dating, the cunt had the nerve to pull a face and say "yikes" before slamming the bathroom door in my face. then 15 seconds later yank it open again and snark "you couldnt have said something before we moved to a new place?" i was like "bitch its been a week wtf are you talking about" and she slammed the door again. as though id been dating my ex in 'secret' for like 6 months since our last apt???? IM not the one whos weird and cagey about my sex life. bitch roommate is the one who lied to me about being a virgin for some reason and then actively hid her sex life from me for the next 4 years in order to maintain that lie, as though i give a single solitary shit who or if she fucks????

but so bitch roommate and i did not speak again until the roommate meeting. at the end of which i was like 'k ig lemme clear the air about dnd' (i had my dm kick her out of my dnd group—they are MY friends to begin with and we were starting a new campaign with a much paired down party specifically bc we didnt want roommate bs at the table. the morning after he did she TEXTED me at 6:22am like 'i know youre afraid of conflict but this is fucking weird if you have a problem say it to me' as though cheap jabs will get me to talk to you. obviously i ignored her). cunt had the nerve to go 'yeah what was that about?' as though she really had no idea what she couldve done. im like bitch wtfym what was that about?? have you not noticed we havent spoken in 2 months?? she gave a half hearted 'i guess im sorry' when i told her she had been so far out of pocket it was ridiculous.

but again. id also broken up w my ex the night before all of that. so she had been planning to micromanage the shit out of this conversation and then ended up being an emotional wreck. i felt so bad but i was like i HAD to yknow???? she said we could go back to being friends......

so that was 2 months ago now. i 'gave her space' for the first few weeks (p much avoiding being at the house like i had when i was actively avoiding bitch roommate) and its been several weeks since ive like. checked in with her emotionally. shes finally started acting more normal around me again, mostly at my queue. she watched alien with me last weekend. opposite end of the couch, where she used to lean her head on my shoulder before we dated. although actually maybe that was a romantic feelings thing?? fuck. i dont know how to know if im being like, callous by just acting like things are the same as before, or if i should be doing something different, and its hard bc we have opposite work schedules so i dont see her most days anyway and idk how to talk to her about it. we havent gone into each others bedrooms beyond talking in the doorways since breaking up, but like it feels like a conversation we need to have in private, no?? ughhhhhhh i hate this. idk how to prompt this, nor what i actually need to ask her to begin with..... just like, are we actually okay, yknow?

my old work therapist thought my problems were hilarious. like an american telanovela. i was like well at least someone is enjoying this situation :/

You know I don't think I can even give you any terrible advice for this situation. Sounds like you got that part handled. Just keep doing what you're doing 💯

[bittwitchy]

i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.