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wellplacedbanana · 1 year ago

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I’ve seen a few posts recently talking about how important it is for us to share our tips for dealing chronic illness with each other, and I’ve realized that as a freakishly avid community enthusiast, I’ve been falling down on the job. So, I present

Wellplacedbanana’s Ridiculously Long List of Tips for All Things Chronic Illness (Curated Over 8+ Years):

Infusion Centers

Headed to an infusion center to get that sweet sweet (expensive as hell) live-saving medication pumped directly into your veins? Here’s what I do.

Bring headphones or earplugs. Most infusion centers try to maintain a semblance of quiet for the patients, but it can get loud fast—beeping IVs, pulse ox monitors, loud families, codes. Some infusion centers do pods of multiple people and some do individual bays, so this can affect noise levels.

Drink lots of water before if you have to get an IV placed. Don’t worry too much about bringing a water bottle because they’ll give you one when you get there. (Of course, if you have something like POTS and need more intense hydration, bring the damn water bottle.) If you’re not hydrated and they can’t find a vein, they’ll call in the ultrasound tech, and they’ll bring the longest IV needle you’ve ever seen. It hurts. Drink water.

Bring a book or your Switch or something else to entertain you, but don’t expect to actually do it. I tried bringing papers to edit the first time because I was like “Oh it’s an hour and a half of uninterrupted free time. I can get so much done!” I was wrong. The nurses are constantly checking in for vitals, the unit can be loud, and I spent the whole time trying not to vomit everywhere. Different infusions will have different side affects. Knowing what yours might be will help you plan for what you want to bring. Knowing how long your infusion will be can also help. Most infusion centers have to keep you 20-45 minutes after your first dose of a new medication to make sure you don’t have an allergic reaction, so factor that into your time too.

If you’re in a pod with other patients who’re friendly and if you feel up to it, don’t be afraid to talk with them. Lots of them are lonely, bored, interested in other people, etc. I met an elderly Thai lady one time who had been there for three hours and would be there for another four AFTER I left. We talked about her husband and her kids, and she listened to me talk about punctuation as style in prose. It made me feel less alone in the medical system and helped distract me from the nausea.

Conversely, if you don’t want to interact with anyone, snap on those headphones and block everything out. The nurses will get your attention if they need you. Don’t worry about staying lucid. Your job is to get the infusion and do what’s best for you.

You can bring snacks if you want, but most units/centers will have something to munch on or can order you something from the cafeteria if you’re at a hospital. Also the medication and the smells in the unit always make me nauseous, so it’s kind of a waste for me to bother pulling together food before I leave. You can always eat before or plan to get something on the way back. Going through a drive thru to get something with protein is my go to.

If possible, schedule your next appointment while you’re there. I have to go every three months, so I schedule the next one while I’m there, and then I never have to make any fucking phone calls. Phone calls are the worst.

My last and most important tip: ask the nurses when you need something. Blankets, water, snacks, pain meds, the lights turned off. If they can’t do it, they’ll tell you. They’d rather have you ask and have to say no, then you be uncomfortable. Don’t suffer if there might be a solution.

Dealing with Shitty Doctors

There are shitty doctors everywhere, in every specialty and every hospital system. It sucks, and you can do your best to avoid them, but most chronically ill patients will have to put up with one at some point. Here are my suggestions:

If they’re refusing to acknowledge one of your symptoms is a problem (won’t order tests, won’t refer you out, won’t ask any questions), tell them it’s affect your Activities of Daily Living. ADLs are one of the ways doctors measure severity of symptoms and quality of life. ADLs are the absolutely essential things you need to do to be a functioning human: eat, shower, get dressed, brush your teeth. ADLs are a trigger word for most doctors. Physical therapists and occupational therapists were created specifically to help patients achieve their ADLs. If you’re having severe joint paint, say it’s affecting you’re ability to shower and dress in the morning. If you have intense fatigue, say you’re too tired all the time to cook food to eat or even brush your teeth before bed. Tell them your symptoms are affecting your quality of life and your ability to function daily. This won’t always work, but it’s a good starting place. (A side note: if you have have to submit an insurance appeal for something that was denied, citing ADLs as a reason to receive the treatment/medical equipment/doctors visit, will often spur them into action. Sometimes, it’ll just make them ask more questions, but questions are better than flat out denial. This was a very helpful tactic when I was trying to get my manual wheelchair approved. I told them I was unable to complete my ADLs and it was affecting my quality of life, and they eventually came around. It’s also important to remember that ADLs are only the most base tasks that you need to live. Driving, working, socializing—those aren’t included in ADLs, and insurance especially will laugh in your face if you try to say you need medical equipment for something like that.)

Lots of doctors, consciously or unconsciously, will judge how you’re actually feeling by your mood in an appointment. I had a pediatric neurologist who couldn’t be convinced that my pain was at an 8 because I would laugh with my mom in the waiting room. Eight months in, I started getting real quiet, not talking, crying when he talked, all that shit, and he was so fucking flummoxed. He was like “what changed?? Are you depressed??” And I had to remind him that I was thirteen with a severe shoulder inure that hurt every time I breathed. Doctors will judge you based on how you look and how you present. It’s horrible, but it’s true. Present to them in the way that represents what they’d expect to see for your symptoms.

Whatever you do, don’t say anything (or send any snappy messages) that might be considered aggressive until you are absolutely, 100% positive you will never ever have to see them again. I’ve had a few doctors that said ridiculously horrible things to me. It’s tempting to send them a message about how shitty they’ve been or how much they’ve hurt you, but it won’t help. Shitty doctors have fragile egos and they don’t like to be challenged. They won’t take this well, and they’ll mark you as attention seeking, emotional, mentally unstable—you name it. When your other doctors call to ask questions about symptoms, etc, they’ll start talking shit, and everything gets complicated. This might sound dramatic to anyone who hasn’t seen it happen, but honestly, the medical system abuses emotion and mental illness to discard patients that aren’t afraid to advocate for themselves, and this is one of the least immoral ways they do it.

Remember that you don’t owe your doctors anything (except basic human decency). If they ask you to do something and you can’t or don’t want to, don’t. My psychiatrist was really fixated on me getting a light box to cure my depression. I did Not want to do that, so I didn’t. Sometimes, your doctors won’t move on to further treatment or tests until you try it, but most of the time you can say, “that’s not something I’m able to do right now. Let’s explore further options,” and they’ll move on.

Remember that learning to advocate for yourself takes years of practice. Just do your best, and try not to blame yourself for the ways you get mistreated. Therapy is the best investment I’ve ever made for this. It’s helped me learn how to advocate and how to process medical trauma.

Medication

For gods sake, take the as needed medication when you have a migraine or if you’re nauseous. Don’t punish yourself.

This might seem like a no brainer, but if you’re traveling and you’re going to take your medication bottles with you, put them in a ziplock bag. They will definitely open in your suitcase, and you’ll have to pick Levothyroxine out of your socks.

If a medication gives you icky side effects, tell your doctor and ask if there’s something that doesn’t do that. For me personally, it’s hard to find medication that works at all, so I often get stuck with things that make me feel like shit. But it doesn’t hurt to ask. Sometimes new medications come out or they dig up old ones.

Some medications come in dissolvable tablets or suppositories. They’re not fun, but if you have trouble swallowing pills, this is a good way to go. Again, communicate with your doctor about these things. I know that there are Scopolamine patches for nausea too. I’ve never used them before, but it might be worth looking into if need easy nausea relief.

All Things Wheelchair

Man, wheelchairs suck, but they’re also amazing. If you find yourself using one, you’ll encounter a steep learning curve.

If you’re not super buff when you first start, it’ll seem impossible to go up even a slight incline. Your arms will get stronger the more you move around, but it might take time. I eventually bit the bullet and started doing personal training. I’m lucky that I can afford it, and I know it’s not an option for everyone, but if you can, find a trainer who won’t saying anything shitty and who’s willing to accommodate. I worked with a queer-owned gym to find someone I was comfortable with. We do upper body strength training, and it gives me a chance to move my body more often. I still can’t go up big hills, but I feel infinitely more mobile. Give yourself time to adjust to the new strain on your body, even if you don’t do training for it. You’ll be sore in the beginning. Ice and heat will be your friends after long days. If your wrists start hurting a lot, you’re not wheeling correctly, and you should ask your doctor for a referral to PT or OT. Oh and your hands will be fucked for the first few weeks. I bought special wheelchair gloves to try to combat this, but it just made it harder for me to maneuver. Now I only use the gloves if it’s cold, if I’m going down hills, or in the rain/snow. (But seriously, if you’re going down steep hills, use traction gloves.)

Learn to pop a wheelie as soon as possible. It’s such a helpful skill. If you get good enough, you’ll be able to get up over single steps and traverse shitty pavement.

If your wheelchair has a cushion, then it has a cushion cover. Wash it.

Time for the grossest part: cutting hair out of your caster wheels. I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s fucking disgusting, but you have to do it. It’ll fuck up your wheels and make it harder to maneuver. Also it’s just gross to have all that nasty hair hanging out by your feet. Get yourself a long pair of thin scissors and cut all that hair out every week or every two weeks. If you don’t have long hair or live with people who have long hair, then you might be able to wait longer. You should also sanitize your hand rims while you’re at it. Hand sanitizer or Clorox wipes are great for this.

You’ll notice that it’s fucking impossible to carry shopping baskets or suitcases if you use a manual chair. Some people try to balance them on their laps or wedge them onto their footplates, but it’s pretty precarious. I got these weird peg things that attach to the frame. You can place a basket or your bag on it and still keep your hands free. Here’s the link for the ones I got, but it depends on your make and model, so do some research and call some different companies before buying anything. Also, make sure to measure the distance between the two sides of your frame to make sure a basket will be able to balance on the two pegs. Your frame might be too wide for this. Mine is, but I bought a special basket to take to the store that’s wide enough to reach across.

Lots of people will offer to push you. Some won’t even offer; they’ll just grab on and take you in whatever direction. It’s insanely invasive and dehumanizing. Don’t be afraid to put on your breaks if someone does this. I can stand and take small steps, so sometime I just get up and stare at them. You can also buy covers for your handles that have spikes so people can’t grab them. I know some wheelchair users who like it when people offer to push them. That’s good too! Take the help if you want it. Just remember to prioritize your safety and comfort. I had a big debate with another disabled person about whether it was infantilizing for someone to offer to hold open the door for us. I’m firmly on the side that they can offer, and I can say no, and they can listen, and then we can both appreciate the moment of shared humanity between us. They did not agree. Disabled people fight and disagree all the time because we’re not all carbon copies of each other. That’s okay! Just be respectful.

Getting a customized manual wheelchair was one of the single most stressful things I had to deal with. Insurance doesn’t like to pay for them because it’s about 3-12k, depending on the specifications and add-ons. But it’s also been the most liberating thing I’ve done since getting my mobility stripped from me. I’m not sure how it works for everyone, but I got a referral from my doctor to a custom wheelchair company. From there, they took measurements, discussed needs, and showed me different models. It’s going to be really really difficult to know what you want the first time. There’s a lot of different brands and customizations, so do your research and talk in depth with whoever’s making your chair. Ultra lite rigid frames are my favorite because they’re usually only 15-40 pounds, and the wheels can come off to make it even lighter. However, rigid frames don’t fold together in the middle like classic manual wheelchairs that you might find at a hospital or get at a rental company. They can be difficult to fit in the backseat of a car or in some trunks, so make sure to measure any cars you ride in regularly. Some people prefer to have tilted wheels so they can turn easier. Some people don’t want anything to do with that. Depending on your mobility and the people in your life, you might choose not to add push handles to your chair. I added some to mine because I often get dizzy, and it’s helpful to have handles in case I need someone to push me out of the crosswalk or into the shade. People who are highly independent and extremely strong might not want push handles because they won’t need help up steep hills. I like my handles a lot; however, my chair back is shorter than a standard wheelchair because it helps increase range of motion when I’m wheeling, so my push handles are lower than normal, and anyone who wants to push me has to hunch a bit to reach. Again, do your research and talk to your rep before making final decisions. Some companies will let you test out the chairs they have on hand to see what you like. It’s important to work with a wheelchair company you really like because you’re literally putting you life in their hands. I’ve had better luck with smaller, locally-owned companies, but you can’t always get referrals there, and not every town has them. Here’s my tip to you: Numotion sucks ass. Avoid them. My branch of Numotion seems to be an outlier; I’ve had really good experiences with them. But most of the time, its impossible to get ahold of anyone, their hours are few and random, and their customer service reps are rude. But! After you’ve completed your order form—gotten measurements and found customizations—they’ll submit it to insurance. This is the tricky part. I went through four appeals, before I got mine approved. Luckily, I had insurance through my mom’s job, and after the last appeal, her company told the insurance that they had to pay for it. This won’t be the case with everyone. Be diligent with your appeals. Have your doctors write specific, clear letters about why you need it, including information about all the customizations and add-ons. It’s likely that they’ll only pay for the base chair, and you’ll have to pay out of pocket for any extra things. Another note: most insurance companies will only pay for a new chair once every five years (if they approve the first one at all), so be sure that the chair you pick out will work for you for at least the next five and a half years.

I had an advisor in college tell me something devastating once: there is no AAA for wheelchairs. I’d broken a caster wheel and gotten stuck on a university sidewalk in 102 degree heat, and she was telling me about her own experiences getting stranded after one of her tires popped. She’s right; if you’re wheelchair breaks, you’re stuck wherever you are without any backup. Carry your phone with you. Tell your friends or family where you’re going before you leave. Familiarize yourself with the wheelchair repairs shops in your area. Sometimes places like bike shops will be able to help you fix smaller things. I always carry an Allen wrench with me in case I need to take a part off. And don’t worry; you’ll find that if something does go wrong, people are far more willing to help than you’d expect. One of the sculpture professors in the art department found me that day and went back to his workshop to get all his tools. He brought me water and sat in the sun while he tried to fix my wheel, and when he couldn’t, he offered to drive me wherever I needed to go. This man was a tenured professor with a prestigious MFA, and he was running late for a party where he was supposed to be handing out awards. You’ll find lots of good people when things inevitably go to shit.

Going along with the last point, your wheelchair will break, and you will have to send it into the shop to get repairs. If you can, invest in a cheap manual chair that you can use in emergencies. If you live with other people, you can buy a transport chair for cheaper, but you’ll need someone around to push you because it won’t have hand rims.

If you’re new to wheelchair use, give yourself space to feel all the emotions. When I first started, I had been using an office chair(!) to get around. My mom would push me from my bed to the bathroom and then back to bed while we waited to get a rental. I was so relieved when I got my own chair that I pushed everything else down. It took months to allow myself to be sad about all the things I couldn’t do anymore and be angry about all the inaccessible infrastructure that America has. Don’t push it down. Talk to a therapist or find people in the community to discuss it with. (If I choose to talk about my frustrations with friends, I always start with “I need to vent right now, and I’m grateful you’re willing to listen to me, but I’m not looking for any solutions to this at the moment,” or “can you give me some suggestions to work around these things that are frustrating me?” This gives my friends insight into what I need, instead of making them guess. It keeps us both from getting frustrated, and I highly suggest it, especially if you or your friends have trouble navigating social situations/expectations.)

Hand Controls

Hand controls are great option for your car if you’re unable to use your feet to drive. I got mine about a year back, but it was tricky and really confusing at first.

First thing you need to know: you can’t get hand controls without a prescription from a specialist. Usually a certain type of occupational therapist. You can look up driving rehab OTs in your area, but there aren’t many of them, and lots of the time you’ll have to drive several hours to see one. There’s usually a long wait list as well. (And of course, a lot of them don’t take insurance.)

If you’re able to find someone who’s certified, they’ll do an intake appointment and assess your physical abilities and needs. Sometimes, they’ll do the assessment and decide you aren’t fit to use hand controls. This can be for a multitude of reasons, including impaired mental cognition and slow reaction time, issues with hand or arm mobility, or there might be a better way to adapt a car for you. Again, it varies greatly on the person, and I’m not an OT, so I don’t know all the ins and outs. If you pass the assessment, and they view you got to drive with hand controls, you’ll be required to do a certain amount of training where you practice using different equipment. Some OTs will know what you need to use right away, and others will have you try different things out to see what fits best. There’s a lot of types of hand controls and a lot of adaptations that can be done to a car, so it really depends on the person. My training was only about 15 hours (plus independent driving practice), but it’ll depend on whether this is your first time ever driving, if you’ve driven without hand controls before, and if you have any other medical issues that might make it hard for you to adapt. Once you’ve completed the training and received your certificate from the OT, they’ll write a prescription to send to a shop that does specialty car adaptation. Kind of like wheelchairs, the shop you go to is very important. Ask your OT if they have any favorites in the area. Insurance never covers this, and some shops will way overcharge you if you’re not careful. My hand controls were about 3k out of pocket, but it was definitely worth it. It would’ve been a lot more to add other adaptations like a lift or a ramp, but sometimes you can buy used accessible vans for cheaper than adding it to your own car. Something to know: you’re usually able to turn your hand controls on and off. So if your friend needs to borrow your car, or you need to let a mechanic test drive it, you can disable to hand controls and allow someone else to use the foot pedals as normal.

Overall, it’s a very long, very expensive process, so plan ahead and be prepared to wait and pay.

Navigating Raising a Kid with Chronic Illnesses

I don’t have any kids, but my mom was my sole caretaker growing up, and I can offer you some of her thoughts. You have to remember that no matter what age your kid is, chronic illness is an impossible thing for them to deal with, and yet they have to deal with it anyways. Sometimes, there’s no good way to comfort a child who’s in 10/10 pain, or who’s about to undergo a life-altering procedure. All you can do is your best. Communicate. Offer support. Give affection. Make your love unconditional. I was a very angry teenager. I was angry with my mom that she couldn’t fix it, and I was angry with my doctors for the way they treated me. There were days where I would yell and sob and refuse to take my meds, and there where days where I would stare at the wall and not respond to anything. It drove my mom up the wall. She’s used to fixing things, and this was one of those things she couldn’t even help. I know she stills holds a lot of guilt for this, but she shouldn’t. She did her best. You’re doing your best too. You can’t fix everything. That being said, here are her suggestions:

Therapy, therapy, therapy. They might hate it, but some day, they’ll thank you. Remember that not every therapist is right for every patient. If your kid wants to switch to a different therapist, let them. It’s better than them sitting and not speaking the whole session.

Lots of kids with developing rare undiagnosed diseases will go through this vicious cycle where they get a new symptom, get sent to a specialist, get dismissed, and then develop a new symptom and start the process all over again. It’s not easy. My mom was a fan of throwing Pity Parties. Every once in a while, when the grind of it all started making us feel hopeless, she’d take me to the store and say, “pick out snacks and drinks. We’re going to throw a pity party, gorge on sugar, watch Lord of the Rings, feel bad for ourselves, and tomorrow, we’ll dust ourselves off and try again.” It helped. It was good to know that sometimes you can let life feel unfair, and it was even better to know that the next day it would be easier to try again.

A lot of being chronically ill as a kid is getting decisions stripped from you and having unexpected negative experiences. My mom would try to do spontaneous things every once in a while to remind me that not all surprises are bad. Instead of driving straight home after school one Friday, she took me to Starbucks without saying anything. After an MRI, she stopped at an art fair and let me pick out a necklace. We would go to the library after I spent the day in the hospital. Sometimes, she’d call my aunts while I was at school to come over and play card games on the weekends. And she was really big on giving me choices in everything. She never made me agree to new (non-lifesaving) treatment. Ever. If she really wanted me to do it, we’d talk it over and come to an agreement that made us both happy. Sick kids are forced into adulthood early; they know how to make calculated, logical decisions when needed. Let them be a part of their own healthcare. (They should also be given the chance to make rash, stupid decisions that have no bearing on their health.)

Keep track of everything. Doctors, meds, ER visits, PT exercises, diets they’ve tried for GI issues, everything about the surgeries they’ve undergone. Some day, you’ll need it. Or your kid will grow up into a chronically ill adult, and they’ll need it.

Talk to their school counselor about getting a 504 or IEP. Even if they’re not struggling. I was a super academically minded kid; I didn’t struggle to understand new concepts or complete homework correctly. But eventually it became hard for me to attend class and finish assignments. Having an IEP saved me. 504s are a lot easier to get (a lot less paperwork, less testing, less pushback from admin), but they’re not legally binding. If you want something concrete and all-encompassing, go for the IEP. IEPs are also really helpful when trying to get accommodations in college. You can also start with a 504 and switch to an IEP later. While we’re on the subject of school: remember that education is important, but school is not the end all be all of your child’s life. What should matter the most to you is that they end up safe and happy. I didn’t graduate high school; I took a proficiency test my junior year and dropped out. It was the best choice I could’ve made at the time, but it was still tough for my mom. I ended up going to college, and now I have a pretty solid job, but every kid will be different. Their mental and physical health is the most important. School is a huge huge huge stressor. Don’t make it harder for them than it already is.

Dating

God dating sucks enough on its own, but adding in chronic illness and disability just makes it a shit show. I don’t have a lot to offer on this other than you shouldn’t settle for anyone who doesn’t respect you, treat you with love and compassion, and accept every part of you for what it is. People will say rude shit. They’ll be nasty, fetishizing, infantilizing, dismissive. Some won’t be able to put up with all the things that come along with being ill. I sound like a broken record, but find a good therapist who can help you voice your needs and expectations clearly. Remember that you never have to go on a date if you don’t want to. Participate as you see fit. Throw it all out if you want.

I don’t have enough time to go into my tips for intimacy/sex and disability, but I’ll give you the highlights.

Communicate. Make it very clear what you’re able to do, what you’re interested in doing, and what you don’t want.

There are lots of ways to have sex. If you’re both having fun, being safe, and engaging consensually, then you’re doing it right. Don’t let abled bodied people tell you the way it should be done. There are lots of accessibility friendly toys to invest in, too.

As weird as it might sound, don’t be afraid to take breaks. Keep water near by. If you have POTS, keep salt or electrolyte tablets on hand. If you have to stop to vomit or go to the bathroom, don’t let it shame you. Go at your own pace and take care of your body.

Misc

Having seizures on a college campus: Most universities have a policy that if you lose consciousness while on campus, they have to call an ambulance. You are not required to ride in the ambulance. You can decline, and the paramedics will make you sign a form before leaving. If you’re still actively having seizures, then they’ll take you anyways, but you probably won’t be in any shape to try to decline. If you’re having seizures regularly, tell your professors. It’ll freak them the fuck out, so warn them ahead of time. It makes the whole thing a lot less awkward when you collapse in the aisle during a lecture. Related to that: communicate with your professors about all your accommodations and emergency health needs. They really honestly appreciate it when you talk to them about this stuff. Even if they have a big class and don’t remember you, it’s good to send them an email and introduce yourself. Hopefully, you’ve also talked to your college’s Disability Resource Center. If not, go do that. Now. (There’s a whole lot of shit that I have to say about campus accessibility and disability resource centers, but I’m not gonna go into it right now.) Also, wear your medical alert bracelet. I know they suck, but it sucks more for someone to be digging through your pants pocket while you’re seizing to try to find your wallet. And keep your emergency contact info pinned up somewhere in your dorm. I used to put mine on the fridge and point it out to my roommates at the beginning of term. It can take a while for RAs to pull yours up, so it’s best to make sure it’s easily accessible.

Remember that you do not function like a normal person. There is no wrong way to solve one of your problems. If you need to put a stool in your bathroom to sit at while you brush your teeth, do it. I got an extra tall stool to sit at while I cook at the stove because my wheelchair is too short. (Cooking in a wheelchair is another thing I could talk about forever.) If you need to wear a sleep mask on the bus because the light makes your migraine worse, do it. People can look at you funny all they want. Like I said, I rolled around my house in an office chair while I waited for a rental wheelchair. What I’m trying to say is find things that work and implement them, even if they’re non traditional.

Here’s what I pack in my bag for an ER visit: headphones, phone charger, book, zofran, Naproxen, water bottle, wallet with cash, socks, and sleep mask to block out the waiting room lights. If I’m expecting to be admitted, then I’ll pack more, but I try to keep it light if it’s just triage and a visit with the ER doctor. Sometimes I’ll stuff a granola bar or some almonds in there too.

My biggest tip for surviving hospital stays is to get out of your room (if possible). Go on walks around the unit. Some hospitals have little courtyards patients can sit in. If you’re in peds, go visit the rec room, even if it’s awkward. Their activities are usually meant for the younger kids, but it can be fun to connect with other people your age, and you’ll thank yourself later when you’re stuck in bed at 3am. Also, tell your friends to come visit you. Not everyone will be able to, but most people are happy to come hang out for an hour or two. It’ll help; I promise.

Clean your room every few weeks. Dear god, clean your room. I have trouble with executive functioning and finding energy to do housekeeping type stuff, but I get more depressed when my room is gross. So clean your room. Especially if you have hypersomnia/sleep excessively.

Don’t force yourself to use a pill organizer. I know everyone says it makes it easier, but I get overwhelmed when I have to refill it, and then I just don’t end up taking my meds. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t do it. If it does, then do it!

Don’t buy the self help books your therapist recommends unless you’re actually interested in reading them. It’ll just sit on your shelf and make you feel guilty for not being good enough.

Mental illness is tightly bound to physical illness. Try to be an active listener in your body. Sometimes, when I’ve been feeling really nauseous, my PSTD symptoms will get triggered over nothing, and it’ll frustrate the fuck out of me because it seems like it’s happening over nothing. I try to track when my emotional state is worse to see if it’s correlated to my physical symptoms. This helps curb the frustration and guilt. Sometimes it makes me dissociate more. It’s a balancing act. Just do your best.

Hobbies are so so so important. Make sure to give yourself time to work on them! And there are a million ways to adapt the activities you love if you’re having trouble, so don’t afraid to do some research. I know they have crochet hook grips for people with arthritis or loose grips, and there are super intense magnifying glasses for people who like to cross stitch and are having trouble seeing the tiny ass holes. I have a color blind friend who sends us pictures of paint to see if it’s the shade he wants. Very occasionally, you’ll come to the conclusion that there’s a hobby you can’t adapt. Let yourself be sad. I can’t hike anymore and it sucks. I can’t go tide-pooling either, and its not like if I just work really hard I’ll be able to do it some day. Life is shit, and sometimes you have to let things go. Be angry, be sad, tell people to fuck off if they try to turn you into inspiration porn, but also remember that there are lots of other cool things out there to try.

Going along with the hobby thing: take the time to learn ASL if you’re having trouble with your hearing or if you often go nonverbal. One of my friends had to get hearing aids last year, and we offered to learn with them, but they were hesitant because it feels like a non necessity to them. Something selfish that would take up all our time. If you think it’ll help, you should grant yourself the time to learn. Capitalism makes us think that we shouldn’t engage in activities unless we gain money or power from them, but that mindset will kill you. Your life will be infinitely easier if you learn ASL online with your partner or friends or siblings.

Look up Spoon Theory. It’s not a helpful metaphor for everyone, but most people in the community talk about it, so it’s good to be familiar with it.

Don’t be afraid to go out and find community! Find support groups, look up wheelchair sports if you’re into getting sweaty, brave the awkwardness of starting conversations with other patients in the clinic. I’m wholly and completely of the idea that humans are innately good. There are lots of interesting chronically ill/disabled people who’re looking for connection. Insurance companies and other medical entities rely on us feeling isolated, alone, and uniformed to continue making money and hold power. It’s important that we share with and support each other.

I know a lot of this is basic stuff, but it’s helpful to have reminders, and if you’re new to the whole song and dance, then it’s nice to get a sneak peak. There are a million things I didn’t get to, but this was what was on the top of my brain.

Also, I’m not the collective voice of every chronically ill person in the world. My experiences are not yours and they’re not everyone else’s. What works for me, might not work for you. Be kind.

#thanks to @thenarrativefoil for reminding me that we need to share with each other!!#if you have any suggestions for dealing with gastroparesis please hmu #I’m still waiting for my gastric emptying scan but I’d like to try out some of y’all’s tips #hopefully some of this is helpful to someone #chronic illness #chronic pain #disability #seizures #nausea #wheelchair user #ptsd #mental health #hand controls #medical insurance companies suck #therapy #so much talk of therapy #spoonie #if this is helpful to anyone I’ll make another

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im-out-of-it · 7 days ago

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part 3 of season 1, episode 9 continued

43. “Stay, good dog. Bite me. Roll over, play dead” wolfie and vampie jokes

44. not even five seconds later and the wolfies and vampies are about to fight 😬

45. well looks like it’s Alec vs jace ah shit (TEAM ALEC)

46. and now Alec is more mad 🙃

47. KICK!HIS!ASS!ALEC!!!!!!!!!!!! #teamalec

48. I love how show Alec can fight and be his own person. he’s not “ive never killed a demon or can’t speak another language” like he’s actually his own and can hold his own

49. Alec: YOU LIED TO ME. when hasn’t jace lied to Alec though??????

50. kill him here because he’s useless and will create 71918819199 problems for ya

51. “you and your damn orders. who cares about orders”- the child asks. “See? That’s how little you know about being a shadowhunter” tell her off Alec 🔥 clary doesn’t know shit or cares about orders and jace knows better but he wants to do whatever she wants to do. what they’re doing to meliorn is wrong but nothing ever stopped jace in the past when he wanted to chase after her without using whatever brain he has.

52. I love Alec’s face (above) because he’s like I don’t understand?????? he broke all those clave rules for jace and got in trouble- and now he’s trying to follow clave orders and repair his family’s honor. Jace and clary could never understand because they always do whatever they want without caring about consequences. at least Alec adapts and changes into a better man AND DEALS WITH EVERYTHING

53. “You’ve broke the rules but never the law until she showed up.”-Alec hitting it with the truth

54. “You’ve had it out for clary from the start”- because she’s a dumbass, doesn’t think, bosses me around as if she’s my boss, is reckless with you, we could go on

55. I love watching Alec beat the shit out of jace after he tried telling Alec he had feelings for him- YES ALEXANDER GO!!!!!!!!! #alwaysteamalec

56. I also think it’s important because even in the books, jace is chosen to be stronger and more powerful than Alec but my man Alec is holding his own proudly

57. this is the face of someone who’s done with your shit

58. I only wish jace’s exit was permanent but whatever (honestly Alec looks so perfect here)

59. also the fact that jace thinks everything is about him. “you’re getting married because of me” okay listen, if Alec was okay with being out and gay, you’re the last person he would chose. whether Alec admits it or not, he is attracted to Magnus and that would be his first choice. I’m only saying that Alec is starting to see jace for who he really is. I don’t even think his so called feelings for jace were ever that romantic but that’s just me

60. y’all ever find it funny how whenever jace needs something, he always reminds Alec of the parabatai bond. but where is that bond when Alec needs something?????? BECAUSE ITS ONE SIDED

61. also can we talk about how wonderful an actor Matt is?????? I feel he captures Alec well (but I see show Alec as original Alec and book Alec doesn’t exist to me) and he can act extremely well with just facial expressions

62. now jace is pouting because Alec said no lmao he’s such a child

63. so meliorn and Izzy are reunited but we don’t ever hear anything romantic between them again??????? well always nice to see you meliorn

64. well Simon has forgiven clary apparently. couldn’t even last a whole episode of calling her out ugh

65. not sorry- I wanted to see her called out more

66. can’t wait for these two to be on the same side and friends again 💓

okay, so 66 was the number for the episode today 👏🏼 thank you for joining the hasn’t Alec been through enough meeting and why must we suffer CLACE scenes. see y’all soon for the AU episode (super psyched for that) and thank you again for enduring me and my posts 🥹

#anti cassandra clare #anti cc #just my stupid opinions #alec lightwood #magnus bane #anti jace herondale #anti clary fray #anti clace #show magnus is superior #show alec is superior #show malec is superior #putting anti cc on all show shadowhunter posts because i don’t want an pro book fans hating on my shit #shadowhunter show is superior #shadowhunters tv #Alec just had his back stabbed 7288272 times #but I mean what he is doing is still wrong #but I can see his hurt #and poor Magnus heartbroken #66 is the number

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mingisaddctn · 1 year ago

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hiii 😋😋 i just wanted to say that you are my fav writer tbh and i love your writing style. YOURE SO AMAZINGGGGG

i wanted to request a yunho smut based off the song body party by ciara? maybe the reader showing him how much they love him or something 😭 i’ve been dying for smtg like thissss..

if you don’t take requests like this i understanddd buttt other than that ilysm and your posts make my day LMAO

omg thank you so so so much ;-; this is too sweet im dying, im so glad you like my writing style. also ive been having yunho brainrot lately so im gonna try a lil something here for you

even though he had the height to be a scary human pole, you couldn't see him in a way other than a giant baby. yunho had this thing about him, a feeling, a pheromone, something that brought you closer to his sweetest self, and made you want to nestle yourself in his scent, engulfed in his being.

oh, you loved him. and you loved him bad — that's why you were milking him dry with your mouth.

kneeling in between his muscular thighs, the ones where your fingernails dug themselves into, you lowered your head over and over on his cock, feeling every little vein on the tip of your tongue, saliva pooling around the corners of your lips and falling to your chin. your jaw almost fell asleep, but the way he laid, hands behind him into the sheets of your shared bed as his head was thrown back, and you could only stare at his adam's apple bobbing from the grunts that left his body with full force.

your pretty, sweet, whiny boy.

he was your whole world, and you were his, and the best way to let him know about that was to be on top of him, taking every last drop of cum like a hungry devil, in a greed of pure sin.

"please" he placed his palm on your cheek, cupping your face and guiding your mouth off of him, leaving a trail of saliva behind. his eyes were two chocolaty irises that stared at you with utter devotion. "I need to be inside you."

and his wish were your orders. you stood from where you were kneeling, with the help of his arms and lowered your panties, sitting on his damp boxers—with the mixture of precum and your drool—and lowered yourself on him, arms holding his neck so dearly, so scared of leaving a mark on his perfectness.

he moaned, mouth open against yours and eyes burning into your mind. no thoughts to be perceived, just the two of you enjoying the moment, feeling pleasure out of this world, fucked out and fucked dumb.

rolling your hips with the help of his big hands, you moaned loud, not minding anything other than the need to bear him all, to lead him to his glory. yunho grabbed your body, enveloping you into a tight embrace, burying his face in the crook of your neck as he helped your moves by pounding upwards.

your motions were made out of pure desperation that turned into primal urges, connecting with the side of your mind that you could never access if it wasn't when you were fucking yourself on his cock, drooling with eyes rolling to the back of your head.

"I love you" you whimpered and babbled and sang into his ear. "I love you—I love you"

he kept on pounding, moans becoming groans and burning against his throat.

"I love you" he moaned back, his words slurred against your skin, but engraving themselves like a thick tattoo, so you wouldn't ever forget.

he was reaching his finishing point when his movements became sharper and you dove into the scent of his sweat mixed with the faint cologne, everything that made him smell like him, leaving the imprint of his wholeness in you, claiming you in every way he could.

his teeth nursed themselves into the skin of your neck, not hard enough to draw blood, but just the right amount to let any wandering eye see who you belonged to. with a deep groan, and the rumbling of his chest trembling against yours, you felt his thighs twitching, and he came into your walls, feeding them what they truly needed all this time.

the only way you could show how much you loved him, was if he allowed you by loving you even more. if it was ever possible at all.

#ateez #ateez smut #yunho #yunho smut

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rudnitskaia · 7 months ago

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Im desperately withholding the urge to ask like 13 questions for romauncebut ive narrowed it down to 3, 6, 18 and 19

Hey-hey, Edd! ✨

Thank you for your wonderful ask again! I'm very grateful for the inspiration and the opportunity you gave me to reveal more of the RoMaunce story. 💖

I decided to write and post the ficlets for the remaining part of your ask all at once. I remember you wanted a drawing for № 18, and I will certainly do it in the end of May / beginning of June (only from Rocky's perspective and containing that bonus part of the question), but now I want to cover it at least with a short story. :3

So, here they are, the ficlets for questions № 3, № 6 and № 18 from that list in the chronological (for the characters) order.

№ 18 - Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

A Real Unicorn

“Oh, Rocky, what a—” Ivy stopped short when she noticed that the pieces of paper she had picked up from the floor beneath the table where Calvin and Rocky had been sitting just a moment ago weren't trash, but… notes.

A pile of small, tightly crumpled notebook sheets, all neatly handwritten in pencil. It was unlikely that anyone had ever given Rocky an assignment on paper, and Calvin also had no reason to write so often to the cousin whom he saw every day. Maybe Rocky wrote down poetry that way? Though it would have been a bit of a stretch to assume that he was that meticulous. Ivy stroked the sheets with her fingers. Were they really valuable, since Rocky kept them with him, or did he just put them in his pocket and then forget to throw them away? It wasn't that important, actually. It was better to just return the loss… but curiosity eventually got the better of Ivy.

Forgetting about the plates and cups, she began to read the lines, puzzled to find a strange list of orders from the cafeteria. Pizzas, pastas, salads, coffee… no, Ivy didn't see anything surprising in the fact that Rocky might have dined somewhere else besides Little Daisy, but why did he keep the notes that the waitresses usually made for the kitchen?

She wondered about that until she accidentally turned over one of the sheets.

What she saw was hard to comprehend. With each new word, Ivy's gaze grew more excited. Her heart beat more frequently. Her eyebrows arched in surprise.

She didn't stop until she had read them all, from beginning to end, but even then she couldn't believe it. Ivy sat back in the chair and stared at the wall.

What was more likely? That Rocky had completely lost his mind and over and over again was writing himself tender endearments and, for some reason, wishes of bon appétit, in the same thin handwriting that listed the orders on the back side of the sheets, or that he had a… no, it couldn't be. It seemed ridiculous to even try to imagine.

After all, if somewhere in the world there existed a woman who willingly writes such words to Rocky Rickaby, then somewhere in St. Louis might as well live a real unicorn.

№ 3 - Most common argument?

The Chains That Are Too Short

“Someday I'll steal you away for more than a couple hours, and then we'll get really entertained,” Rocky chuckled, helping Mau roll up the blanket. Another night under the stars in St. Louis was coming to an end.

“Really? Are you planning something for a whole three hours?” quipped Maura at him.

“I was rather hoping for something between fifty years and forever,” Rocky shrugged, picking up his violin case. “And then it is as it goes. You know, all that happily ever after, but… livelier. With a bit of sparks here and there.”

“Hmm. So, you’re going to take me, like a princess, away on a white horse to your sugar castle in the kingdom beyond the clouds, and we'll live in love and harmony, become exemplary neighbors, start paying our taxes, have a bunch of obnoxious kids and die the same day.”

“Why not?” Rocky seemed not to notice her sarcasm. “Yes, the script is old-fashioned, but it's proven by both time and folklore. It's almost a guide to action, if you know how to apply folk wisdom properly. And if we dig deeper into the poetry of feudal Europe, we can probably find a couple or three good tips even about paying taxes.”

“Maybe so, but unfortunately, happy fairytales are now left only as an exception and only on the stages of theaters. And you and I don't have enough for a single ticket even together,” Mau started to walk toward the fire escape, but Rocky caught up with her and took her by the arm. Her words, or rather what was clearly between the lines, made his heart feel totally uneasy.

“Mau… I can get some money. I…”

“It's not about money, Roark,” she sighed. “Or rather, it's not just about them. You know it well already…” she took only a step before Rocky stopped her again.

“Come with me,” he blurted out anxiously.

“Where to?”

“In general! Now! We could live together…”

“You sleep in a car. Which isn't even yours.”

“If I rearrange a few things, we both could fit in there. And I could give the cactus to Freckle…”

“Roark…”

“And… and! And I could also ask Miss M. about a job for you. Sooner or later things will get better at Lackadaisy, and… what if we could rent a room together?”

“That's the very problem. I can't be seen anywhere in criminal circles. My father and I are being chased, and rumors will definitely spread if I show up in the underground, and then… then my father and I will have to run away again, and if anyone finds out that you and I are together… Dio mio, don't you realize they'll kill you?”

Rocky quietly groaned and started pacing back and forth. He was almost shaking from nerves. Mau, meanwhile, continued, oblivious to the need to speak in a low voice:

“These thugs are not going to stop at anything to get us. It's bad enough that you're at odds with the locals, so I pray every night that you'll at least stay alive after your ventures, and I don't want to bring the New York Mafia down on you too! This is madness, Roark! I told you many times, I can't be seen with you while you're in the bootlegging business. Maybe we could rent a shabby little room somewhere if you were just a musician, but you ain't, and you ain't going to be!”

In despair, Rocky flailed his arms.

“But I can't! I can't leave Miss M.! I can't—”

“I know,” Mau interrupted him. “And I'm not asking you to. But you can't tease me with a bright future either… It's too much even for me. We're alive, and we have each other, here and now, and that's more than I could ever hope for. Please, just be with me while it's possible…”

Rocky still couldn't calm down. He was breathing erratically, heavily… when Mau stepped closer to him and gently embraced him, he pulled her against him so tightly that she involuntarily sighed. He was sickened by how right she was. His entire being was rebelling against that rightness, wanting to burn that truth to the ground and recreate his own, happy truth from the ashes, whatever risks it took. The seconds lingered… Rocky didn't unclench his hands. Anything to keep Mau in his arms now… anything to avoid going back into the night alone.

But the chains bound to them were too short to allow them to reach the morning.

Interesting fact: The question № 3 was the hardest for me to explore, because for me Rocky and Mau are not the couple that has many constant, repetitive topics to argue about. At first I thought to write about Rocky ignoring his health issues, because that definitely would've got Maura's nerves, but that topic becomes a 'constant argument' only in the distant future from the Lackadaisy current timeline. But finally, I found the topic that is definitely difficult for them both and may cause repetitive uneasy discussions. I hope it covered the question.

№ 6 - What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

The Serenity in You

The Epigraph: When stars drown in the night and the storm fills your mind, it's important to find the safe haven to hide…

The summer heat in the car was becoming unbearable. Rocky felt as if he was drowning in the dense air, almost as much as in his own thoughts. Whenever he was able to doze off, fears and memories began to flood his mind, to crash over him in suffocating waves. Carefully, so as not to wake her, Rocky found Maura's hand, gently intertwining their fingers together. Even back then, when he hadn't had the courage to tell her about his feelings, she had taken his hand in hers so often that it had become almost a sacred act for Rocky. She didn't even seem to realize how every time they were sitting or standing in front of each other she began to stroke the back of his hand… and how much peace, serenity even, that gentle touch brought him.

Suddenly he heard a whisper:

“What are you thinking about?”

Rocky slightly shivered from tension. What he was thinking about… he wished he didn't know himself. Keeping his eyes shut, he mumbled:

“Ah, it's nothing. You know, there's a pesky streetlight out there, and its reflection in the window keeps me awake…”

Mau was silent for a while, and only turned slightly on her side, resting her head on his chest.

“I love hearing your voice, Roark. Falling asleep listening to the tune you hum and the sound of your heartbeat. It's soothing… almost like the sound of the rain outside the window, only… much warmer. Dearer. But when your heart beats like this… like how it beats now… I want to know what makes it so heavy.”

Once again, the nightmares that had haunted him became clearer in his mind. He hesitated; he was uncomfortable with these ugly thoughts himself, and the last thing he wanted to do was to make Mau sink into them, too. But when she gently, yet confidently squeezed his hand in hers again, his doubts receded. She was here, right next to him. And as long as she touched his fingers with hers, they would not drown in this boundless sea. So finally, gently leaning his cheek against the top of Maura's head, Rocky began to speak.

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angellayercake · 2 years ago

Text

But first, let me send a selfie!

Papa Emeritus IV x Reader

A little present for @gothdaddyissues 😊 I'm glad it has done its job ghestie!!

His phone vibrated jarringly in the otherwise quiet room. Touring did not mean a break from paperwork so instead of luxuriating in the high of another successful ritual he was using the adrenaline rush to work through yet another pile of documents that needed his attention. He spared a glance for his reflection having repurposed the hotel room's vanity as his desk.

He had washed off his paint hours ago when he first got back as it began to crack and flake post performance, but remnants of the black stubbornly settled in the ever deepening wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He looked about as tired as he felt. He had worked so hard to become Papa he didn’t like to have these thoughts but there was somewhere else he would much rather be right now. Or more accurately someone he would rather be with. He tried to suppress a sigh as he thought of you but his heart clenched. He yearned to see you, to speak with you but he wasn’t entirely sure if that would be welcome.

The phone buzzed once again halting his train of thought and looking down at his progress he decided he had earned a break. He reached for his phone, tapping the screen awkwardly to wake it up expecting to see more orders from Sister Imperator but as the screen lights up it is your name he sees and he can't stop the smile that grows across his face. A picture message, from you. It’s as though you had sensed his thoughts.

He clicked on the picture waiting for it to load and when it did it took his breath away. On the surface it was just a simple selfie but you looked radiant, smiling out of the phone at him, that look in your eyes the one that always made him hope that perhaps you felt the same way that he did. It was the exact thing he had needed. A reminder of why he worked as hard as he did to build a future for the Church and the Clergy but also to secure his own future, so he could avoid the fate of his predecessors and live out the rest of his days with you at his side.

He starts to type frantically needing to share his thoughts with you but after correcting his fifth typo he growls at his useless fingers and slows down typing carefully with one finger. He needed to let you know exactly how he felt.

You sat at your desk trying not to let the anxiety creep into your thoughts. This was the first time Copia had been away for an extended period since you began, well, whatever it was you were to each other. The way he looked at you sometimes you thought he must feel the same as you but neither of you had had the courage to broach the topic and now he was gone, for months he would be on tour. You messaged back and forth frequently but it didn’t stop you missing him.

He would send you silly photos, of the ghouls' antics, tasty food he was sampling on his journey’s and interesting landmarks. You had started sending him little titbits from the Abbey gossip circles as well updates on his little rat friends. You had taken to looking after them in his absence. But something had been missing since he had been away. You had been building up to something before he left you were sure but you feared the distance wasn’t making his heart fonder at least and you were slipping into a more platonic relationship. Which wasn’t terrible you supposed but it wasn’t what your heart truly wanted. Not with him.

And this all brought you to where you were today. A fresh haircut, make up done perfectly, new outfit. All in an attempt to cheer yourself up. You felt silly feeling insecure even though you know you look good. You didn’t need his approval and yet you craved the reassurance of his admiration. You could almost hear him voice his awkward stumbling compliments if you concentrated hard enough.

All this had brought you to the decision to send him a picture, a selfie, you tried not to roll your eyes at yourself. Objectively you knew you looked good, great even. You were doing him a favour letting him experience you looking this good! Off the back of your internal pep talk you had hit send and now you just had to wait. I would be late where he was but you hoped he would still be up otherwise you had just set yourself up for an agonising wait.

You tried to put your phone to one side and concentrate on your reading but within thirty seconds it was back in your hand. Right, two ticks. It has been delivered but he hasn’t seen it yet. You stare at the little symbols willing them to change colour. You shake your head putting the phone back down on your desk. You would just leave it open on the screen but you were not going to just sit staring at it indefinitely! But you can’t stop your eyes flicking back and forth every couple of seconds until you give up trying to read completely.

You drop your head into your hands and try to get a grip. You are a grown up not a teenager you need to snap out of it. You can’t spend the rest of the day like this. He could be asleep or too busy to look at his phone and you can’t mope about waiting for a response. You stare yourself down in the mirror above your desk, take a deep breath and that settles it. You will put your phone away and get on with your day, but when you glance at your phone the ticks have changed colour and your heart jumps into your mouth.

It doesn’t take long for the equally anticipated and dreaded dots to appear and you almost stop breathing. Then they disappear, then reappear. Gone and then back. Over and over again. You couldn’t look away from your phone if you tried.

Finally, finally a message pops up. Just two words.

‘Amore mio …’

And then nothing, then more dots, then nothing. Your heart feels like it is going to beat out of your chest. Did he mean it? Was it a mistake? What is he doing? What is he thinking? You are frozen in place, mind whirring away as you wait for something, anything.

Your phone begins to ring and you drop it in shock. It clatters onto the floor below your desk and you scramble after it not wanting to miss this call. You pick it up with shaky hands and manage to answer before it rings out bringing it up to your ear slowly almost dreading what you were about to hear. He has started speaking before you have even fully lifted the phone but you can hear him already speaking distant and tinny though it is.

‘Oh amore you couldn't know how refreshing it is to see your beautiful face! Thank you! You couldn't know how much I needed to see you today and yet here you are gifting me the chance to look upon you. You have changed your hair no? I am sure there is something different as I spend so much time conjuring my memories of you when we are parted I would notice this. And your makeup, it is perfetta, you take my breath away. And a new dress too? Si I would remember having seen you like this I know it …’ He continues on and on saying such beautiful things, more than you could have ever hoped for. Your eyes brim with happy tears as you interrupt him.

‘Copia?’ You needed to tell him you had never been more certain of anything.

‘Si?’ He whispers back, probably because he has yet to catch his breath from his beautiful, unending compliments.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

On opposite sides of the world you stare into your reflections as if the other was before you. Both feeling better after your affirmations of love over a simple selfie.

#the band ghost fanfiction #papa emeritus iv x reader #the band ghost fic #cardinal copia x reader #my writing #i found the title funny ok!!

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destinysbounty · 2 years ago

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HELLO i am in your inbox because your post about ninjago cycles made me drop my phone, ive literally been thinking about this idea forever!

around when i watched s8, i literally started reading the entire show as one big time loop because of all the repetition and cycles in the show. i dont know if that phrasing holds true, but i think the idea itself holds up

i think what really drives the entire cycle of the show is the need for balance. i interpret ninjago the place as created by fsm to be a reflection of his worldviews: dragon vs oni; good vs evil; light vs dark. the fact that the overlord keeps coming back, and his descendants will have to keep fighting him is a part of a larger system put in place (accidentally or purposefully) by fsm. when one person is defeated, a power vaccuum appears that HAS to be filled, usually by a new villain

basically, balance is the mechanism by which all these cycles come to pass. its kind of a law of physics in ninjago, good will always win, but evil can never really lose. everyone has to keep repeating history, personal and global because the world literally will bend itself in order to achieve that balance.

(i hope this makes sense i wrote it very quickly lmao) thank you sooooo much for bringing up cycle symbolism in the show,,,, once you start looking for it its everywhere!

(Here's the cycle post in reference)

Thank you for sending this ask! I apologize for the belated response, but I wanted to wait to respond until I had the chance to get ahold of some screenshots that would be relevant to this discussion. With that out of the way, let's get into the meat of the issue!

First off, you are absolutely right! I think the circle motif represents a few key themes: balance, as you mentioned; recursion; and inheritance. And all of those things, in a way, tie back into the show's interpretation of destiny and the way fate is baked into almost every aspect of the story.

Balance is the most obvious interpretation, of course, and perhaps the most compelling. Like, not just because the circle is by design an incredibly balanced shape, simultaneously having infinite sides yet at the same time only one. But also because there are so many instances of circles appearing in the way in which the balance between light and dark is visually represented within the series - especially with regard to the creation mythology.

(On an unrelated note, I think it's actually kind of a cool detail how the FSM is represented as a grey being - not Oni of darkness, not dragon of light, but something in between. The child of both worlds.)

The world was created by the FSM, and while I can't remember if it was ever outright stated, I think there's enough evidence to at least assume spinjitzu was used alongside the Golden Weapons to create Ninjago (I'm happy to elaborate on this if asked!)

On this note of balance, I also think it's worth noting the attention drawn to the splitting of circles. As seen above, with the creation of the Dark Island, but also with the Battle Between Brothers! Now, I'm definitely overthinking this, but bear with me for a sec.

The Monastery of Spinjitzu is, quite iconically, arguably circular in shape. Well, it's really more of a hexagon, but you get my drift. And the sons of the FSM, each representing light and dark, were friends for a long time. But when Garmadon finally succumbed to the venom's influence and was banished to the Underworld, a crevice was torn into the ground, splitting that circle - and likewise splitting the two brothers in the process.

And again! The Lloyd v Garmadon fight in sesaon 8! Despite loving each other very deeply, they have both been forced into conflict by the forces of destiny time and again. Lloyd knows the drill at this point. "I've saved you once, I'll save you again." The fight itself takes place in a circular structure - the Kryptarium Prison panopticon. Lloyd enters this fight assuming the established cycle of fighting and redeeming his father will be reinforced. But when Lloyd is thrown through the wall, thereby breaking through the prison's circular structure, so too is this cycle broken as well (and with it like half the bones in Lloyd's body as well as his heart).

And of course, we can't forget the most iconic example - when the FSM created the Dark Island, banishing the Overlord and his Stone Army for the protection of the world he created, the circular continent was split in two. The destruction of the circle.

The destruction of the circle is also how the Oni are introduced in Mystake's story - the dragon creates a circle, and the Oni destroys it.

So to recap: a circle is balance, balance is stability and unity, and the dissolution of the circle is the loss of stability.

That in itself is a cycle - creating something, destroying it, creating it again.

Kinda like the show itself, in a constant loop of the world facing ruin and building itself back up again and again. Like how the Overlord can never truly be defeated, dying and coming back like the ebb and flow of the tide. Like the snake eating its own tail, a cycle feeding itself endlessly. Like how a circle has infinite sides.

That's interesting enough as it is, right? Just wait! It goes deeper!

As mentioned before, the FSM arguably created Ninjago to some extent using spinjitzu. Spinjitzu, which is both a martial art and a lifestyle that utilizes circular motion to create a tornado around the user. The quintessential example of the circle motif. Spinjitzu is quite literally the foundation of the show's identity and worldbuilding. This show is, on both a narrative and a meta level, built on the concept of circles. And according to the Core shorts, one of its principle values includes balance.

Which, in the end, boils back to what you were saying about how cycles are a law of reality in Ninjago. I agree!

If I have my lore right and Ninjago was created through spinjitzu in some degree or another, then that means it was created through circular motion. The world was made spinning. The world was made as one big cycle. So to some extent, I do definitely think that good and evil must constantly fight. If the world isn't constantly repeating itself, if this cycle of recursion ever stops, then the world will stop spinning. And what happens when the world stops spinning?

Chaos, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Although, we also have to consider that the Overlord said "there will be peace in the dark". Now, since he is a villain and also the embodiment of darkness itself we should take his words with a grain of salt, but it definitely raises the question of what it would look like if darkness or light truly did prevail over the other, or if such a thing is even possible in the first place. Will there be peace in the dark? Or does the Overlord have an arguably more compelling motivation - that is, as an immortal being incapable of death, locked in an eternal limbo between victory and defeat, he knows that the only way this deathless hell will end is if the balance is destroyed and the universe falls to pieces. Maybe that's what the Overlord means by 'peace in the dark'. That theory has a lot of holes in it, of course, but I'm certainly intrigued by what that would mean for the Overlord's character. This might also hint at the origins of Darkley's, but that's a weird little tinfoil-hat tangent that we're not gonna worry about right now.

Now, I mentioned earlier that there are three main themes that the circle motif draws on: balance, recursion, and inheritance. And those three themes all tie into destiny somehow. So far, we've talked about balance and recursion - how history must keep repeating itself, how the whole world must remain in eternal conflict between light and dark or else the circle will dissolve and chaos will reign. But what about inheritance?

This is the fun part, but also a bit obvious. First, inheritance comes through elemental powers - not only because powers are passed on from person to person, as well as the legacies of those powers, but also because the elements of creation all tie back to the Green Ninja. They all manifest in him, and while the other ninja are capable of wielding those powers independently they all tie back to Lloyd in the end. Like convection cells but instead of circulating wind currents it's magical powers.

And, of course, I'm not the first person to comment on how elemental powers can be seen as a metaphor for generational trauma, and how each character inherits the legacy and loss of prior generations vicariously through their powers. Other people have elaborated on this idea far more eloquently than I ever could. But it's still worth mentioning in this discussion, so here we are.

And!! Then you've got things like the Yin-Yang Eclipse (which, imo, didn't look much like the Yin-Yang symbol at all. It looked more like a funky Z if you ask me). With Yang telling Cole to "close the circle" - the curse of the Airjitzu Temple requires that someone always remain behind as the master of the house. Yang needed Cole to take his place as the temple's new prisoner. He needed Cole to complete the cycle of inheritance. He needed Cole to close the circle.

And that right there is the base essence of this show, isn't it? Closing the circle. Completing the cycle. The sins of the father laid upon the son. History repeating itself. Repetition and recursion.

This all pertains to destiny in ways I hope are quite apparent at this point. The scholars in the Cloud Kingdom write destiny. They choose what happens. They designed the Prophecy of the Green Ninja. Perhaps they're doing all this, perhaps they're putting the ninja through all this trauma and suffering, perhaps they're creating this history and this world to be endlessly recursive, in an effort to maintain the balance and protect the universe from spiraling out of control. Or maybe they're just doing it to get their sick kicks. Who knows? We've only seen the Cloud Kingdom for like one whole episode so at this point who's to say.

But a bit more blatantly to the point, according to Lloyd in 2.12 "Return of the Overlord" the below images show the symbol for destiny. And what do you see??? Circles!!!!!!!! Circles as unity! Circles as balance! And in the latter image, circles represented through colors, which denote their roles in destiny and likewise the powers they inherited from their ancestors! It's circles all the way down!!!!

Oh and before I go, here's some food for thought. The Overlord once said that "destruction comes from the eternal struggle between light and dark." And Oni have the power of destruction. Garmadon, once he's reached his true potential, is powered by conflict. "It's the fight that fuels him." Which does seem to corroborate with what we know about the Overlord himself - as Misako said, "where there is light, there must also be darkness." Conflict creates darkness, and darkness creates conflict, just as light creates shadow.

God, I'm losing my mind over this. Balance is the struggle between light and dark. Destruction is a byproduct of this struggle. Destruction causes darkness. Darkness plays a pivotal role in the existence of the balance. The balance is creating itself. The cycle ultimately cycles back in on its own self. We've come full circle. It's the freakin' ouroboros! The snake eating its own tail! Endless consumption with infinite return! Circular motion causing its own endless perpetuity!! It's a fight you can never truly win but also can't lose, because the existence of conflict creates conflict, and without conflict there cannot be peace! You cannot escape from the cycle because you are the cycle!

So, to conclude:

Thanks again for the ask! <3 God I sure hope this rant made at least a teensy bit of sense.

#overly convoluted 15-season toy commercial my beloved #ninjago #long post #ask #destiny post

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alexander-norkat · 9 months ago

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oh my fucking god ive had a sonic and rain world all in one mutual this entire fucking time

i saw the 06 reblogs

i remember something about the classic games from a while back

tell me everything you like about the series (if you want) so i can get you back in the reblogs

(i have been deprived i only have one sonic mutual you are like gold to me)

Yeah we were in the same circle! tbh most of my sonic stuff is quite buried in terms of drawings, but I got into drawing BECAUSE of sonic, so my first ever drawing is one of those sonic heads with the word SONIC below, not to mention I got a sonic, shadow, and tails plushie (in order of age, the sonic one is like over 10 yrs old, shadow one is very close, Tails one is from this year! ).

And honestly about the series? I think my brain is pudding, I been following sonic since I was a kid so I saw stuff like Sonic SATAM and the one with Sonia and Manic, Most of the classics, some of the moderns, quite the lore and I tried to be into the comics too but my brain drifts very easily so the Archie and company universes are out of my knowledge most of the time outside of some characters.

Funniest thing is did not know who you where outside the rainworld blog because I forgot to check the main so you had me quite confused there JDKFBSKFKMAFLK, Ignore me answering at 3am because I'm in the other side of the world.

But damn some of your scav post making me do art, I have one in the wips about 3 scavs (1311 being the main focus), only peek I'm giving you is that it's gonna be named "The outcast's lament" or something, I want to give the wet beast paintings some baroque name for the giggles

#ask #my rambles

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sneakyscarab · 1 year ago

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hello! it's been a while since ive written out my thoughts about touhou! part of the reason why is that i've been working on a website of my own, which now hosts all my grimoire of nina entries with enhanced bonus features! plus a lot of other things on other pages but this is the relevant part to this post. i'm not sure whether i want to continue making tumblr versions of the posts now that i've set this up, but for now im gonna do both a tumblr edition and a neocities edition. with that out of the way lets get started on...

Touhou 1-5 PC98 Extravaganza!

after finishing the main series (and taking a probably needed break from bullet hells for a bit) I went back to the beginning and checked out the first wave of Touhou, the 5 PC98 games!

putting this up front, while i absolutely respect what these games did to kick off the series and get things going, i cant say i was very fond of them, so the overall tone of this writing is on the neutral to negative side. just something i feel i should note. with that said, let’s get started.

Touhou 1 - Highly Responsive to Prayers

Highly Responsive to Prayers is a weird game. contrary to what one would expect, the First Touhou Game is not a vertical scrolling shooter like others. HRtP is instead a sort of breakout/arkanoid type game, where you control a miko-shaped paddle named Reimu running back and forth bouncing a giant yin-yang orb that clears up tiles, beating a stage once you’ve cleared the screen. it does actually have whispers of the series’ future though, with turrets in levels that shoot bullets towards you, Reimu having a amulet-shooting ability (influence the orb's movement), screen-clearing bombs, and menacing boss fights.

you heard me right, this breakout clone has boss fights, and theyre kinda wild. every 5th stage is a boss, which have big hitboxes and shoot out tons of bullets and other attacks which you have to simultaneously avoid while also manipulating your orb in order to hit the boss (because only the orb does damage). After beating the first boss youre given a branching path between Makai or Hell, and either choice gives you 15 more stages for a total of 20.

overall HRtP is a very bizarre and not particularly great game, but its uniqueness makes it really stand out, and if you're in the market to play a weird breakout/bullet hell game for whatever reason you should try it out.

Touhou 2 - Story of Eastern Wonderland

now This is a Touhou game! released alongside HRtP at Comiket 52, Story of Eastern Wonderland is what i would say is the true first Touhou game, being a vertical scrolling shooter with 6 stages, fancy boss fights, and ridiculous characters.

right out of the gate SoEW shows off how wacky the PC98 era lore is, with the first stage containing not one but two military tanks as boss fights. the third stage's boss as well is a weird metallic wall with 5 "eyes" and innumerable laser cannons. its wild. as for gameplay, it's pretty much what you would consider Standard Touhou, although with some features missing that havent been invented yet, notably the movement-slowing Focus mechanic.

one interesting thing about this game is the colour choice: likely due to palette restrictions pretty much the entire game is a combo of red+purple, with the occasional blue+green sprites. even marisa is not immune, having bright red hair only in this game alongside a purple robe+hat.

its very surprising how close SoEW already is to the modern gameplay loop, although i guess it shouldnt be Too surprising considering scrolling shooters are like one of the first game genres ever made. its a pretty fun time, but also pretty rough around the edges.

Touhou 3 - Phantasmagoria of Dim. Dream

if you thought we would stablize into the regular style now that we've seen SoEW, you'd be off the mark. Phantasmagoria of Dim Dream is actually a VS game in the same style as the later PoFV and UDoALG titles! it was really surprising to me seeing just how much experimentation was going on with the series this early in its lifespan, but I suppose that happened a lot back then.

in terms of gameplay PoDD plays surprisingly similar to PoFV, with the same enemy combos, sending spells at each other through a charge meter, and summoning yourself as a boss fight on the other guy's screen as an ultimate move. it even has the same insane boss summon rebound mechanic and the same cheating bastard final boss ai!

one funny difference is that, since faeries hadnt yet been established as go-to mooks, the enemies during duels are a variety of random things. besides ghosts you just have star, moon, or heart shapes with ' ' and ^^ faces. theyre so abstract I kinda love it lol.

like SoEW its surprisingly functional for its age, although also like that game it still lacks features like focus, leaving it being unpolished in comparison to newer variations of this formula. unless youre a PC98 enthusiast id recommend playing PoFV or UDoALG instead, especially since the multiplayer on this one is local-only.

Touhou 4 - Lotus Land Story

now things are starting to standardize. Lotus Land Story is another vertical scrolling shooter and adds in a bunch of features not in SoEW that would go on to be series mainstays: focus, boss phases, boss item drops, and most notably having Marisa as a deuteragonist! if SoEW was a standard touhou missing some features, LLS is taking steps to a full on touhou game, missing just a few mechanics from EoSD, notably the spell card system and point-of-collection line.

LLS is also notable for a few other reasons, one being the character Yuuka who is one of the few PC98 characters to get remade in the windows games, and the other being the origin of the iconic song Bad Apple!! which got remixed by nomico and memed half to death.

Its pretty good, albeit still rough around the edges and missing the sort of spark thats found in later entries.

Touhou 5 - Mystic Square

Mystic Square is where we settle in, playing identical to LLS, which means theres not much to talk about. there are 2 more playable characters than LLS, with both Mima and Yuuka. Mystic Square also includes the 4th and final PC98 character to get remade later in the Windows canon, Alice Margatroid. besides the name and the blonde hair though theres pretty much nothing connecting the two Alices together. if you liked Lotus Land Story you'll probably like this too, i dunno.

alrighty with all those games out of the way its time to talk about the characters of note. and of course if theres one name thats synonymous with PC98 its...

Mima! appearing in four of the five games of this era, Mima is the most consistent character besides Reimu and Marisa, and yet she has never been seen since Mystic Square. this may be a hot take, but i think Mima is emblematic of a lot of the qualities of this era that make it hard to get into from a story perspective. for starters, Mima is incredibly inconsistent. She shows up 4 times and is basically a different character each time; being a random Hell boss in HRtP, a vengeful spirit bent on destroying all humanity (except Marisa i guess?) in SoEW, a woman of few words and a short temper in PoDD, and a snarky bully who tells blatant lies just to see how people react in MS. she also has a weird conceptual design and wack power scaling, being a ghost who was never alive, always been a ghost, who also for some reason has like dragon wings but only when she gets angry (Marisa also has these in PoDD which is really bizarre) and shes able to simply escape being magically sealed away as if she was cracking the seal on a pickle jar and casually beats up everyone in Mystic Square without even blinking. While i do like elements of her character (her lying bastard personality from MS is pretty funny and I see why people would want that back) i think its for the best that she stays in the PC98 era, the one seal she cannot break free of. If she were to come back, so much would have to be rewritten either of the world around her or Mima herself that she would basically be a different character entirely, which i think would cause way more drama than her return is worth.

moving on, lets talk about Genjii! this old fart is basically Reimu's grandpa who is also a magical flying turtle. since Reimu doesnt know how to fly in these games, her pops Genjii gives her a ride whenever she needs to go solve an incident. He also acts as a straight-man to Reimu's comedy in her storylines, often questioning the bizarre things that she says or weird noises she makes. he's just a funny turtle grandpa and i'm here for it. while Genjii has never officially appeared in a game in the Windows era, ZUN has stated that the reason is that he's just enjoying his retirement. Reimu can fly on her own now, so he's just resting in the pond out behind the shrine, doing whatever it is grandpa turtles do in their free time. good for him :>

the last character spotlight is for Meira! she's a cool samurai lady from stage 2 of SoEW who was also Reimu's gay awakening :P (for context, Meira and Reimu's pre-battle conversation is a bit where Meira claims to seek the Hakurei Maiden [for her power] but Reimu assumes that Meira's hitting on her. After clarifying that Meira wants to fight Reimu and take her power after winning, Reimu counter-offers by implying that she'll take Meira as her girlfriend if she wins.) this was almost certainly just intended as a joke, but considering that Touhou Project is basically a yuri wonderland its very funny to see gay implications in literally the second spoken conversation in the entire series. besides that, Meira also has cool attacks utilizing her sword where she makes huge slashes in the air that explode into bullets after a second, which were probably inspiration for Youmu's sick swordplay five games later.

and thats the PC98 era! with these games under my belt ive now played each whole-numbered entry in the series, woo~! so having played them all, what are my thoughts on the origins of Touhou?

i'll start by clarifying that i am generally not a 'Retro Gamer'. while i acknowledge the importance of early entries into series, they are very frequently rough, unpolished, or just straight up unfun because the devs are still working out the kinks on how they want the series to go. this is doubly so for games from this pre-2000s era, where game design in general was still a new concept and most games were working off arcade standards of high difficulty to steal quarters. early Touhou is not exempt from this, these games are missing a lot of features added later that make the games more fun, and the difficulty is much higher with a lot more 'bullshit' design like bullets that spawn on your character or a lack of proper resources given on respawn leading to a cycle of death.

all said, i cant say i really enjoyed my time with the PC98 titles. you may have noticed that i didn't mention 1cc runs so far in this article, and the reason for that is i couldnt find the motivation to keep trying for more runs like i did with the future games. mix that in with the bizarre, nonsensical, and often self-contradictory writing and you have a recipe for mediocrity. PoDD in particular is an absolute dearth of writing and worldbuilding. most character interactoins are like one sentence long, and the plot involves two scientists on a "Probability Space Hypervessel" who somehow invited in the characters from Gensokyo to the real world so that they could capture them and steal their magic for clout. In Marisa's route after she beats them up they give her a weapon as a reward which is a ICBM with a smiley face that Marisa names Mimi-chan and rides around instead of her broom. like its all so ridiculous you can just tell that these were like student projects done by a dude in his free time and not a serious attempt at making a world or story.

overall i just really have trouble finding passion for these titles compared to the later entries, to the point that i had to shove all 5 of these games into a single article and its about as much writing as Subterranean Animism alone. im sorry if youre a big PC98 and/or Mima enjoyer but theyre not for me, and i have to say im glad that Touhou moved on and evolved past this point.

thank you for reading, and i'll see you next time, whenever that is!

#grimoire of nina #touhou #touhou pc98 #touhou 1 #touhou 2 #touhou 3 #touhou 4 #touhou 5 #touhou project #highly responsive to prayers #story of eastern wonderland #phantasmagoria of dim. dream #lotus land story #mystic square #wow thats a lot of tags lmao woops

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flyrobinflyy · 8 months ago

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hi! i'm asking for elaboration on what dog jason todd would be if you're willing :)

(i'm also violently asexual)

tw for hunting and that type of stuff

hi!! yess!! buckle up 🫡 my credentials are being someone that’s been obsessed with dogs ever since they were very little

going under the cut because i blabbed a lot more than originally intended

jagdterriers are bred to hunt basically anything, originally for (mostly) smaller things underground but nowadays a lot of people use them for boars, coyotes, foxes, etc (wild boars are surprisingly dangerous, which is kind of funny to think about). this comes back up further down with an actual tie to his character i promise

they’re actually pretty small, like 20ish pounds as adults — and yes yes yes i know jason came back from the dead built like a brick but! he also, like, conditions and exercises to stay that way and properly worked jagds are also built like bricks (plus the whole being a terrier thing works in their favor). the standard for the breed describes them as well built and robust, too

the tenacity is absolutely off the walls, especially when it comes to something that they set their mind to (aka hunting/their job). like, they’ll allow themselves to be torn to shreds if it means they get to do what they want to do/what they were made for. this is pretty much shared by all the bats, as they’re all pretty covered in scars, but bro literally came back from the dead with a mission 😭 jagds are also clearly filled to the brim with energy, athleticism, and drive

in most cases, they don’t play well with others at all. which, yes, bruce has eight hundred other children and in current comics jason is on a lot better terms with most of them. buttt, it’s pretty hard to ignore titans tower and every other time that similar things happened.

‘jasons been with the outlaws and works along side the bats’: in situations where they are hunting and actually working, it’s not rare for them to be in a group in order to successfully complete whatever they’re doing. (aka, working together with the outlaws or the bats or whomever to take down larger villains)

and, just like every other genetically prone to aggression breed, they don’t always start that way and it’s rather something that is developed over time/as maturity occurs. choosing to tie this into jasons differences pre and post pit

with proper introductions, stimulation, fulfillment, etc they can be decent family dogs in some circumstances. which also ties back to working alongside the bats i guess? but also all of the other times that theres swapping between him despising them and referring to them as family members

i know a chunk of the ‘red hood protects kids’ is fanon but, (once again) in select situations, they can be pretty alright with kids. protective nature is also kind of a given with all the stuff already covered too lol

bonus: they can have some pretty silly hair and the breed standard allows for a small amount of white (going along with jasons white strip perfectly 😌)

i totally see the comparison to an am. pit bull terrier (the breed most people ive seen compare him to) as well, as they share a good chunk of these traits, but. ya know.

(asexuals unite!)

#flyrobinflyy answers #this got a bit out of hand #and yes i know it’s not that deep #im just a girl #and a yapper #jason todd #red hood #dcu #apologize if there’s poor or confusing wording i typed this up pretty quick

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azelle-intermisson · 2 years ago

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Echo vn review

i have finally finished echo as my second ever visual novel after adastra. i really loved this vn and it was a super interesting read. for anyone who hasn't read it if a furry horror vn with very human feeling characters peaks your interest then i would 100% recommend echo its a really good story with some really strong characters that i enjoyed thoroughly. in this review im gonna be going through all the main cast and some of the side cast so its gonna be a kinda long post where i just gush about parts of each route i really liked but there will be titles before each section if you want to see what i have to say about one character in particular for whatever reason.

this review is all my opinion and is not going to be exhaustive so i will end up missing some things (mainly because i did not take notes while reading and forgot a lot oops). so if there is something i missed you wanna hear my opinion on ask :). also this is my first time writing something like this so lmk if there are things i can do better if i end up doing this again.

SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE GAME AFTER THE READ MORE

before i fully dive into the review i wanna go over some of the external factors that have influenced how i view this vn. during flynn's route i was the most sick ive ever been in my whole life and im pretty sure i missed out on some vital details because of the brain fog during that sickness. i am not well versed at all in vns the only other vn i have played is adastra, however i am familiar with romance tropes so even though i feel like i missed out on some cool moments simply because i haven't played many vns i did not miss out entirely. also about halfway through my playthrough i learned that there is kinda an order you are supposed to read the routes in which is: Carl > Leo > TJ > Flynn > Jenna, i ended up reading it in this order: TJ > Leo > Flynn > Jenna > Carl. i don't really know how much this ended up changing how i view the story but thats how i did it. i also made chase gay i don't really know what that ended up affecting since i played all the routes as gay chase and whenever i got something i considered a "bad ending" i would reset to my last decision and do something different. the last thing that might have some sway on how i feel is how sweet the community has been to me so far, i don't usually get myself involved with a community before i finish something but this time was different since i was making fan art and everyone was super nice <3

Visuals/Music

I really loved the music and artwork for this game. i feel like the music did such a good job of creating an atmosphere whether it was chilling in the diner with jenna and tj or getting kidnapped by brian it always did an amazing job at really putting me in the shoes of the characters. i adored all of the fully rendered drawings throughout the game i love the colors i love everything about it. of all of them i think the one below is my favorite i just love how serene it looks.

youtube

this was my favorite track i feel like it does such a good job of capturing the tone of the whole game so well or the one that plays whenever they are just chilling idk what its called and i can't find it for the life of me it is driving me crazy.

Misc

there are a few things i couldn't quite fit into any of the next sections so i wanted to put them here. i really loved every character in this game i feel like the reason why i loved them all was because of how human they felt. whenever someone did something i didn't agree with i always defaulted to sympathizing with them because of how human they felt to me. also after writing this i have realized my ranking of each of the routes is just how much leo is involved with each of them i guess i just really love the guy.

Prologue

this part of the game is a little less fresh in my mind since i only read through it once on my first playthrough but from what i remember it did a really good job of establishing the setting and getting me interested in the lore of these characters. the first river scene was such an amazing moment i love how the route split happens in a way that makes you choose between emotionally comforting someone or going after who you want to romance. my only issue with it was that i did not realize that this was a route split in my first playthrough and ended up picking tj since he seemed the most affected by flynn and i was really worried about him even though the character i really wanted to romance was leo. even though i did not realize it was a game with so many diverging paths at first i still think the prologue was really good and got me very invested in the lore of echo.

MAIN CAST

Chase

i walked into this game not really expecting to care for chase too much since i kinda didn't like marco in adastra and i was expecting him to be more of the same type of guy but i was pleasantly surprised. i hate it so much when player inserts are just blank slates so im very glad that chase is an actual character who interacts with the world and people around him. he never had any moments where i was frustrated with him and wished he had said something different(aside from the ending of tj's route) and for the most part he reacted the way i think i would in his situation so i really liked him in all of the routes.

in retrospect i really like tj's route for how subversive it is as a romance with tj not reciprocating chases feelings and how nasty chase's jealousy felt. while playing it i kept waiting for leo to show up and whenever chase would try and romantically pursue him i would get kinda sad because i wanted to hangout with big wolf man. however i feel like this gave me a really interesting perspective on this route since before chase even kissed tj i never expected them to actually get together since it didn't feel like tj was all that interesting to me. this made chase's jealousy over julian feel even more scary than it already was and that final confrontation at the lake with flynn horrifying. i loved how the horror aspects where handled in this route and how subtle a lot of it was in comparison to other routes. chase drowning flynn and the description of it is one of the most haunting things from this game for me. overall i thought tj's route was pretty good even if i spent the whole thing wanting to hangout with leo because i was dumb and didn't know i had gotten to the route split. its in 4th place in order of my favorite routes in this game.

Leo

leo's route is my favorite i love him so much. i love how you get the bad ending of his route for trying to stay with him. his route was also my first time seeing the hysteria in full swing so that was a crazy twist. every single scene with brian made me feel so anxious i never really knew what to expect from him. i loved how his unhealthy obsession with chase was treated with the weight that it really deserved. the way he reacts to kudzu and chase's relationship not only feels like a natural progression of his character but also adds so much to the horror of his route since his jealousy often ends up causing serious harm. it was so sad to see him unravel and act the way he does during the hysteria because i really wanted to see him be happy and somehow move on from chase. the final scene of the "good" ending gave me what i wanted in the most evil way possible. i had wanted him to move on so bad that i had forgotten how brutal moving on can actually be. leo ends up losing the person he is closest to in the worst way possible i say this with love though it made me cry real hard. and the implication that he is planning on staying in echo is too just heartbreaking. i could go on forever about all the things i love about leo's character but i don't want this section to be too long so i will end it here and say leo is my favorite of the main cast and he has my favorite route of this whole game.

Flynn

i feel super conflicted on flynn's route, it does so many things so well but the ending left me feeling weird. i wanna talk about the things i liked first, which is most of the route. aside from leo he was the character i was most interested from the prologue mainly because i could tell that he wasn't just going to be a one-note mean guy and i thought he had a ton of potential for a really interesting story and i was right . i really enjoyed how his mean demeanor was written the times when he decided to be nice never felt out of character, like the way he helps carl with his interview and really wants his friend to do well and when things don't turn out well he still supports carl but does it in such a flynn way i just loved it so much. flynn and chase's relationship during this route stressed me out the most out of all of the routes mainly because of how they hid it from leo i really wanted chase to just talk to leo about everything but i can understand why he was avoiding it so much. i really loved the reveal of chase killing sydney and how flynn reacts to it. the way everything in that scene plays out was just amazing i can't be mad at either side of the it since i can understand why jenna and leo don't want to believe that their childhood friend killed someone but i can also understand flynn's immediate reaction to this and wanting to lash out at chase. the sydney flashback really got to me everything about it felt so real to me and flynn trying to take a big brother role for sydney and try and protect him from seeing the corpse anymore was so heartbreaking. my favorite part of this route was when you get the perspective of flynn rather than chase it was not something i was expecting in the slightest and i was so happy to be able to see some of his thought process when he does stuff. i really liked the hysteria portion of his route but im a little iffy on the ending. on one hand i like it for the story the fact that flynn dies kinda makes sense to me i just really wished he had lived and we had gotten to see a healed flynn who now knows the truth of what happened fully, even though i know this vn doesn't like giving out easy solutions. overall flynn's route is really good i just wish it had ended differently i would put it at 3rd place in my ranking of the routes in this game.

Jenna

i almost adore jenna's route as much as leo's. i really like her personality and aside from leo she is my favorite character. learning that she likes manga and watching anime with her was such a fun little moment that i thought was cute. it really surprised me when carl went missing in this route i was kinda expecting his birthday to play out the same in every route but i this was a really good plotline. i liked that this route forced jenna and flynn to interact more since the tension they have is always so fun to read. i loved the side characters in this route micha was my favorite out of all of them(even though i think jeremy is really cute). i want to give micha his own section in this review but to put it shortly his relationship with leo made me super happy. i really liked the tension between jenna and leo it was such a good conflict that i enjoyed reading. the whole fake cheating prank was such a gut wrenching scene that i was honestly having a hard time getting through. i liked the section where they are kidnapped by brian more in this route than in leo's mainly because brian getting rocked by the ghost thing was really satisfying. the implication that carl was tortured the same way chase was for multiple days is unfathomable to me. leo and chase being sewn together made me feel sick because anything remotely body horror related gets me and micha having to sever that tie was really cool foreshadowing for leo and micha's whole thing. the whole van section was also really incredible and seeing leo start to move on from chase warmed my heart in an otherwise very intense route. i liked heather she is such an intresting character to me since i really want to sympathize with her because its clear she has a lot of unresolved trauma but she was also an asshole to jenna and tried to flood all of echo. i really loved her trying to flood the town it is such a crazy plot point but i still really loved it and jenna having to put aside how shitty heather was to her to talk her down was a really good moment. the dinner scene after everything also felt very satisfying and it was good to see micha be apart of the group for a bit his interactions with everyone made me smile. i really liked jenna's route all around it is my 2nd favorite and was a super fun read.

Carl

i really liked carl's route i relate to a lot of his struggles and even though there where less scenes that scared me it was still really good. this was the last route i played so i was feeling kinda melancholic while reading since echo had become my nightly routine for about 3 weeks and i was really loving the characters and story. i liked how much lighter(in comparison to the other routes) of a tone carl's route took staying over at his big haunted mansion is such a silly concept on paper but it ends up playing out super well. i thought raven was a silly guy even if he didn't really add or remove much from this route and he helped keep jenna somewhat in check so that was nice. the escape room stuff was so interesting to go through. i found myself feeling scared that they may not actually make it out or they would end up killing each other. my favorite scene from this route was the hanging tree stuff. i had such a vivd picture of everything happening and it was really hard to watch jenna and carl to do things that i know they wouldn't. this route also had a ton of echo lore so i kinda wish i had played it first since i feel like i missed out in other route because i was trying to piece together things that are revealed in carl's route. i really liked the james hendricks and john begay stuff . even though carl's route is my 5th favorite by no means do i think it's bad.

Side Characters

i'm not going to only talk about the ones that really stood out to me and in a much shorter way than the main cast (other than micha)

Micha

micha is my favorite of the whole side cast and i really adored him and leo's relationship that i interpreted as romantic during the last bit of jenna's route. at first i didn't really like him and thought he was kinda an asshole. as the plot kept going i kept getting more and more attached to him since he was still an asshole but he was working with the main group. normally i don't like characters like him but i feel like he was written in such a realistic way that i found it hard to stay mad at him. i really loved him and leo's relationship their connection felt so real and i think they could be soooooo good for each other. the van scene was so incredible the way the player and chase have to fill in the blanks as leo and micha talk about what happened between the two of them really immersed me in the story .leo feeling guilt over never reaching out to micha after he was disowned was such an interesting thing i never really expected leo to want to help someone who was a bully to his friends but i still feel like it makes sense for leo to feel this way since he just wants to protect people. i think its really sweet that leo ends up leaning on micha more after the van scene. also the scene in the dinner at the end of jenna was really sweet i loved seeing micha being added to their group dynamic and i wish i got even more. in conclusion leo and micha should kiss and live happily ever after <3.

Brian and Clint

i don't have a lot to say about these guys other than the fact that they are horrifying antagonists. before i saw brian fight i was under the assumption that if leo is present then we are probably safe but brian ends up breaking that sense of safety in such a horrifying way. i like that even though clint isn't physically strong the fact that he has the strongest character following his orders made him so intimidating

Jeremy

i wanna give him a big kiss even tho he is mean

Janice

i really liked janice in tj's route. i love the fact that we never get a clear answer for why she needed chase and tj to be digging holes. i almost want to trust that she isn't killing people but she clearly has a few screws loose.

Closing Thoughts

i really loved this furry visual novel and its really human feeling characters. i had way more to say about it than i thought and the more i write the more i love the story and the more i want to say but this is already such a long post. i liked adastra more but i don't really feel like it is a fair comparison because if i hadn't played adastra this account would not exist and i prob would not be drawing at all but maybe if i had played echo first it would have done that to me since it still is really good. this was super fun to write even tho i know some of it might not make any sense lol because this is just kinda stream of conscious. i might end up doing this with other things i read/watch since it also gives me an actual reason to take notes when i read/watch things. also i wanna say thank you to the community on here i haven't been involved with fandom spaces for a really long time and im still not very involved with this one but you guys have been super nice and i wanna continue making art and talking about this game :)

#azelle talking #echo project #echo vn #review #vn review #furry #leo alvarez #chase hunter #flynn moore #tj hess #carl hendricks #jenna begay #micha echo #Youtube

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thecrownedlizard · 10 months ago

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Rain World: Monsoon - Influence Of Beliefs(IOB)

Hey everyone! It's been a while! Apologies for the delay since my first announcement, I'll do my best to keep things up to date. So, in my previous(and first ever) post, I said I was going to present my iterators. So, let's take a look at our first iterator, Infuence Of Beliefs. PART I - INTRODUCTION One of the oldest among his local group, Beliefs's creation happened during a disagreement between ancients with different beliefs(ironically), which led to a war between both sides, with iterators in that era being created as weapons rather than machines made to solve problems. Due to having enough resistance, and to having a bit of luck, he survived the war. PART II - THE PATH AHEAD A while after that, the ancients who won the war began a journey, leaded by Sliver Of Straw and Influence Of Beliefs(which actually were best friends) in order to find a solution for the Great Problem. With both having already a decent knowledge, aswell as intuition and a great array of technology avaible to themselves, they took the lead of the Sliverists. Both were equally confident to find a better way out of that world, at any costs. Due to extreme respect to Sliver, IOB let the group be named after her. Despite both being really advanced, he always saw her as someone superior to him. And, with hopes that this would make him forget about the mayhem he was created from, decided to partake on helping her. PART III - HESITATION However, as time passed, Beliefs started to realize how pointless it was. He didn't want it to end like that. Why it all had to go off like this? He admitted he was a little afraid of what he could meet upon entering the other side, but unlike him, Sliver was optimistic, and eager to find the solution, thinking it could end up well. When they finally found a solution, the ancients who seemed to care so much about them and idolize them, all vanished. Both were then left alone. A little heartbroken, his friend decided to isolate herself from all. All but him. He decided to console her after all of this, and deemed the solution as something dangerous. During his time, he loosened up, and began to feel more attached to Sliver. Attempts were made to encourage her to give up on finding a solution, and he tried to convince her that living was a better option. PART IV - DiVERGENCE But Sliver refused. She had gone too far, and she did not want to stop there. She kept on working, fending Beliefs away for a bit. He grew more and more concerned of her, but didn't want to repress her or sound rude, so he just let her do what she wanted. He was trying to prepare himself for the worst. He did not want to ascend, but he did not want Sliver to go. Unfortunately, by the time he finally built up the courage to speak to her, she was already gone. She succeeded, and left a pearl behind for him. Sunken in despair, Beliefs entered a panic attack, nearly making himself collapse because of it. He was filled with regret. PART V - DELUSION He knew he couldn't save Sliver, as she was already dead, but he knew he could save the other iterators. It wasn't too late. Driven by his erratic thoughts, he began to mass create supersoldier units to do his bidding, and crafted many dangerous weapons in order to increase his own (fire)power. Ascension was too dangerous, as you never knew where you could end up on. It was too good to be true. Therefore, he deemed that turning the world into a realm of echos would be safer, as echos are immortal, and can be seen by the ones around them, therefore there's no risk on turning into a echo. Or so he thought. CREDITS TO FRIENDS FOR THE ART!! Beliefs drawn by @covchapman and @sweetaru1 ! The Sinner(will likely explain more about them in a future post btw) drawn by @localceilingdevil ! Expect more of those soon!

#evil #rw iterator #rain world au #oc #oc lore

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endversewinchester · 4 months ago

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I think Rebel Alliance soldiers vs Galactic Empire make a compelling anti war story than Acolyte. Further more as Rebel Alliance soldiers can take it to far to the extreme as shown in Andor and Rogue One if they are pushed too far. From the Galactic Empire said we can see from a point of view how they are also bad with the crimes they commit related to historical matters. This is why I think Star Wars Acolyte story does not hold weight as it doesn't make a convincing the jedi are bad as it isn't well written as the kind of story knights of the old republic and especially its sequel game have done showing the bad sides of the Jedi. Everything in Acolyte seems rushed, the main character Osha is far too similar to Sabine Wrens handling in live action Ahsoka or should I say repeating the same mistakes as Sabine Wren had done in Ahsoka. New Star Wars writers post The Mandalorian and Andor think women heroes in star wars committing far more selfish acts of evil make strong compelling characters. Am I not the only one who noticed Sabine Wren and Osha are portrayed as inexperienced and easily corruptible manipulated good aligned force users? This is bad writing for the women of Star Wars. Ahsoka who is a no nonsense hard fought rebel morally grey Jedi should have been more focused on training Sabine Wren to control her emotions first before using her force jedi powers as mental health is just more important with the power of friendship, sympathy, and empathy than power itself. I do not like how dehumanized Sabine Wren became now I hate how dehumanized Osha is as well. I believed Osha was going to be on a path like Luke Skywalker optimistic willing to do some good as he would in Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope but the terrible direction writing is causing Osha to receive hate from negative critics.

So you’re saying you’d like more on the OT era. That’s valid! I think between the OT, Kenobi, Andor, Tales of the Jedi, Star Wars Rebels, The Bad Batch and Rogue One we have a lot of content in that era. It’s understandable that lucasfilm wanted to do something different as for the stories not to get repetitive.

I don’t think the point of the acolyte is the Jedi are bad, anon. The show went through great lengths to establish that Sol made a series of mistakes based on the information he had at the time rather than the actual truth. Fandom is treating it as “Jedi bad” but the show really didn’t go there. Instead they are criticizing the entitlement of the Order in believing they know best about everything.

Second, I don’t agree Sabine and Osha are alike? Lol. Sabine has a much stronger personality than Osha ever did, and she renounced being a Jedi because she couldn’t get a hold of the force. Osha otoh is already force sensitive and she was “expelled” from the Order for not being able to put her past behind her. It’s not the same arc, but you are allowed to dislike one or both of them.

I also don’t think either one of them are easily corrupted force users? Lol WHAT. Just because Qimir upset her doesn’t mean she will turn into a Sith and go around slaying everyone in her path. And Sabine was selfish, yes, but Ezra and her are extremely close and she made a choice to protect someone she loved.

Guess which character we spent the entirety of tcw watching who forfeited being good for the sake of his friends and family?

And yet I don’t see you or anyone else say that’s bad writing, or that he’s weak. So we’ll agree to disagree there.

Third: I personally dislike force sensitive Sabine as a plot, however you are forgetting Ahsoka didn’t want a padawan. We see her refuse to train Grogu. She wasn’t ready because she had a lot of Anakin-related trauma which is very valid and was only resolved on screen in episode 5 of that show. A little after that is where Sabine learns how to use the force. It’s called character development. To say they are done dirty because they need to go through growth in their arcs is certainly a take.

And fourth: people are review bombing and using bots to bash the acolyte without even watching the episodes. (Seriously. The ratings go down before the episodes are even out). The hate isn’t legitimate. They are doing it because of women, people of color, space lesbians. It doesn’t have anything to do with writing and I would not waste my time worrying about the people running those bots if I were you.

#Star Wars #cami answers

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mostlymalena · 5 months ago

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June 14th 2024 6:12pm

Hello friends and fans and family and foe.

This will be an update about Ava so big ole post. I'll try my best to tell this in an entertaining way. I'll write it like I expereinced it.

I met Ava back in 2021 because her roommate and best friend at the time, Becca, had just begun dating Josh. Yes, Josh as in best friends and roommates AND bandmate of Hugh who was my boyfriend at the time. When I find out Hugh cheated on me I get told that him and Ava are snapchatting a lot and Ava tells me that Hugh wants her and wants to hookup but she rejected him bc she is on my side. Anyways when I was going through the court stuff with Hugh because I posted about what he put me through and he said "hey not fair!", she took their side (this comes back around later I promise) and posted about me on her social media calling me a liar and saying I was never abused blah blah. Good for her for being loyal.

Fast forward to 2023, she see's me at blue post bc of course you would and comes up to me and profusely apologizes for taking their side and that she believed me this whole time and I tell her its chill no big deal and she then post me on her story which ruffles some feathers but I don't really care bc when do I ever.

Anyways, she is dating this girl Paige at the time (still 2023) and Paige's father get's really really sick. When he is close to passing away Ava's father very suddenly dies and it's very very shocking for her and her family. So of course Ava is destroyed and a lot of her friends rally to support her. Now I'm not sure when but close to when her dad died Paige cheats on Ava so we all once again rally for Ava and it's fuck Paige. Paige's father dies during this as well. Lot's of emotions.

During this time me and Ava are getting closer - I bond with her over losing a parent as I have lost my mother. Also to note I never fully attach to Ava bc she is well, she was just always in some kind of tizzy with someone and it seems to never be her fault. I mean something was ALWAYS happening to her.

Near thanksgiving time she tells me and everyone that her mother has committed suicide. Now this is when her and I really bond because I lost Emma 6 months prior to just that and I also lost my mother. So! Her and I grow closer and start hanging out outside of just seeing each other at the bars. No one had any reason to not believe her bc who tf would lie about that!! She also reached out for support several times over her father passing. During thanksgiving she even went home and posted pics of her mom's house and captioned it with stuff like "it looks the exact same since she left". She also got support about the struggle of having to clean her parents house out and how she is avoiding it bc its too hard.

Fast forward to when Grace and I start talking again. Grace and Ava had already been friends before G and I reconnected and Ava had made it clear in more than one way that she was interested in more than friends with Grace. Obvi this was brought up when G and I reconnected but Ava had made SURE to make it clear with me that she knows me and G are together and she would never pursue. Grace also sent Ava a very brute and CLEAR text which I READ MYSELF that she ONLY sees ava as a friend and there will never be anything more than friendship between them. Ava was asking Grace to hang out so much that Grace got a weird feeling and didnt wanna lead ava one or make things unclear. Ava also says that Paige is always hitting her up and showing up to her house and it's just played off as ex girlfriend drama. Wait I have a screenshot I know it

Around this time Ava is also served with a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER from Paige. And makes a complete joke about it. Won't show anyone the papers. Now IVE BEEN THROUGH THIS!!! So I fucking tell her what to do, like go to court and provide evidence that you are not stalking her. She does not go to court. So if you don't show up to defend yourself.. the restraining order is automatically granted. Ava "not knowing this" texts Paige on the year anniversary of her father's death and Paige calls the cops on Ava for breaking the restraining order. Ava is ARRESTED and goes to JAIL. She calls Reese (her best friend) to bail her out and Reese gets a bondsman and pays for Ava to get out. We feel bad bc Ava is like "I don't have parents to bail me out"," I don't have parents to teach me how to be an adult". so like duh she is right.

Now court is set for a couple weeks later because Ava has to see if she is going to go to actual jail for a couple months for breaking the restringing order. She hires a lawyer and me, Reese, grace, and a couple other friends go to the court room with her to support her. This happens the DAY AFTER I GET HOME FROM A TEN DAY TRIP IN ITALY. Reminder Grace and I broke up for a solid 5 days before a couple days into my Italy trip. Well Ava helped her fucking self to try and get with Grace while I was in Italy (grace rejected her) but was texting me she missed me while I was gone and was hoping I had a good trip yada yada. So already my hackles were fucking raised. I mean all the while I had a sense that Ava wanted to fuck Grace which I have expressed to Grace before lmao.

Back to all of us sitting in court:

Paige signs a paper from Ava's lawyer dismissing the call and whatever so Ava does not have to go to jail. We all celebrate and Grace post something about Ava on her story. Some girl who is Paige's friend slides up and says "If you knew the whole story you would not be supporting Ava. Ask her about her dead mom".

Now Grace and I don't know what to do with that info but we kinda decide to keep Ava at arm's length for now. She also was just always chaotic and being crazy and what not. She gets fired for picking fights with some girl at her work two days after the court win and I tell her maybe me her and Reese should sit down and make a plan for her life to get her back on track. All she does is smoke weed and get fucked up on the weekends. May 26th 2024 I realize I have not heard from her since the night before. I check her local and it's off and call and text her. No answer. I start freaking out. THEN. I get this TEXT. From a number I dont know and it's green.

So I freak the fuck out. I call Reese and we decide to go to her apartment. The door is unlocked and she isnt home but her cat is. We call the local hospitals admission offices and check if she has been admitted. Nothing.

Ava finally calls Reese and tells us she had bad thoughts and checked herself into the hospital the night before. We are all relieved but also upset she didnt text anyone at all. We tell her about the random number and she loses it and gets so upset. Telling me she is so sorry. Here are some text from that convo:

This random number starts texting Gracie and Ava's other friends terrible things like I wish she had died and shit like that. So we are all reeling from that and worried and shit. Ava and Jo graduate college so we go downtown and celebrate. Ava wears her cap and gown and seems happy.

Fast forward to June 2nd 2024. I get a call from Reese 1 hour before I'm set to pick up Ava for a Pride event at Hi-Wire.

Reese tells me a couple days prior they went to Brunch (her and Ava) to a spot where Ava wanted to go bc she knew a waitress there. Well they eat and another waitress recognizes Ava bc they know or are friends with Paige and tells Ava's waitress that Ava lied about her mom killing herself. From what I remember this waitress straight up asked Ava why people are saying she lied about it and Ava blames it on Paige trying to cause drama and shit.

Well Reese being the smartest bitch on the planet looks into it. Cannot find an obituary for Ava's mom OR dad. What does she find: HER MOTHERS INSTAGRAM. Which has a RECENT POST. AS IN 3 DAYS RECENT. Her mother is very much alive and well and paints and sells antiques. Reese and I lose it. Ethan is with me when I get all this info and me and Ethan look into it bc Reese and now I don't believe her father is dead either. Time is up, so I pick up Ava and pretend all is well and we go to Pride. Ava tells me Reese is mad at her and she thinks it's bc of some drama at her old job blah blah. I keep quiet bc I know lmao.

That night I tell the jester's chat (all my friends) and Adam being a sleuth. FINDS AVA'S DAD. Ava's dad who is also alive and well is using his retirement to be the CEO of a non-profit that builds homes for unhoused people and gets them back on their feet. So I tell Reese all this and Reese and I decide that I'm going to call and confront Ava about it all. So I do. Ava does not answer and her local is off and she wont answer texts for a long time. I get nervous she offed herself again so I do a wellness check on her. She texts me after the cops leave her house and I told her we need to talk ASAP. She calls me. And I record the convo. You can listen below just wait about 20 seconds after you click play and you will hear me say hello.

Anyways. She admits her mother is alive but insist her father is dead. bc of this I decide to post publicly and here is why:

I know Ava very well and she manipulates situations and so I wanted to get ahead of this before she tried to tell people I was a liar and crazy

Ava lied to SO MANY PEOPLE SO MANY. I feel like lies to this degree that led to people giving her money, opening up about their trauma, giving her breaks, need to be exposed.

I have no idea how she would react to this so really I just wanted to make sure Reese and I's story was accurately portrayed which is why this blog post is needed for my sanity.

I posted it on my story and got a slew of DM's of course. I answered everyone's questions and sent my evidence to those who asked.

Reese and I don't want Ava to kill herself bc she goes ghost so I call Ava's mother whose phone number is attached to her insta and record that convo as well. I just tell her mother what has happened and that Ava will need a lot of support right now. She tells me her father is alive and they are still happily married. Ava's mother told me that Claire and Paige called her the day before and that it was not a good convo but thats all the details I got from that bc it was not my place to ask.

After posting I got a call from a girl, who legit 3 years ago copied my heart sleeve as a half sleeve and I told her that wasnt chill and that was legit it. I have not thought of her since then and never spoke about her lmao. Well she has been wanting to reach out to me and apologize for how she handled the situation and ava told her not to reach out to me.

I called her back and she told me more details and also told me about how she told her that she is just my friend bc of my "social status" in wilmy whatever the fuck that means and that she never believed me about the Freedrink/Hugh stuff. AND GET THIS LMAO. Also told me that Ava is OBSESSED WITH MY GIRLFRIEND and was constantly telling her that Grace always asks to hangout and that grace is obsseseedd with her and that Ava is just waiting for us to break up so Ava gets her chance and would constantly talk about me and Paige whenever they hung out. Me and this girl are super chill now.

I called and told Reese this and Reese confirmed that Ava also told her she never believed my Freedrinks stuff and that Ava was constantly talking about Grace and wanting her. Claiming all these people including my fucking girlfriend are obsessed with her (her as in Ava)

I got a bout 104723502358 dms about all the same stuff. Paige figured out Ava was lying and thats why she got a restraining order and so I do want to publicly apologize for being on the wrong side of the court room. That was fucked up and I was wrong.

Ava's mother also told me that AVA DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE LMAO. That she has to take summer classes and maybe some more next semester. SO SHE FAKED GRADUATING COLLEGE.

Ava reactivated her insta recently, blocked me instantly, didnt block MY GIRLFRIEND and posted on her close friends that she added Grace to and said "wilmy is full of lying bitches". So now here it is all laid out.

The End.

#june 2024

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