#ive been so worried about the humidity i feel like everything is going to grow Mold

[clearallcathy]

i long for dry air and slightly inconvenient summers so dearly. how much until i can Literally just get out of here

[zelzenik]

all of her longing

prompts 19 & 20 of @zutaramonth 2021: hurt/comfort & longing

Three times Katara asks Zuko for a baby... and the first time Zuko says yes.

click here to read on ao3 or keep reading below the cut!

i.

“Zuko?” Katara whispers into the darkness. She flips onto her side, a few dark curls slipping over her shoulders.

It’s been almost an hour since Zuko dimmed the lights in their room with his bending and a single flick of his wrist. She can tell that he’s just about ready to drift off to sleep when he replies, “Yes, Katara?” His voice is a soft rasp as he shifts his position so that he can face her, reaching out and drawing her close.

Tucked securely beneath her husband’s chin, curled up against his warm body, Katara somehow finds the courage to admit, “Zuko… I think I want a baby.” She can feel the way his muscles tense as he registers what she said.

All of a sudden, Zuko’s more than awake. “What?” He pulls back slightly so that he can glance down at her, golden eyes earnestly searching her face.

“I want a baby,” Katara repeats, her brows furrowing.

Cupping her face with his hands, Zuko presses a kiss to her forehead, hiding a laugh, “Katara, we’ve been married for all of two weeks, and you want a baby?”

Katara isn’t joking, though. “We’ve been together for all of two years now, Zuko.” It’s true. Katara was only seventeen when she began courting the Fire Lord, and now, at nineteen, she finds herself married to him, sharing his bed and holding his tender heart in her careful hands.

“You’re… You’re not serious, Katara,” Zuko manages to choke out in reply. Upon realizing just how earnest on the matter she actually is, his golden eyes suddenly fill with an anxiety that she hasn’t seen from him in years. “I… Katara, it’s too soon for us to have children.”

In this moment, Katara knows that it’s better to drop it than press further. So she does, for her husband’s sake. She remains quiet, wrapping her arms around his bare waist, rubbing soothing circles into the small of his back.

Above all else, above her maternal instincts, above her deep desire to have children, Katara loves Zuko. And, when he hides his face in the crook of her neck, she holds him tightly, peppering kisses along his skin, whispering words of comfort for whatever pain that grips him in the dark of the night. “It’ll be okay, Zuko.”

ii.

“You’re quite distracted, Fire Lady Katara,” Zuko notes, his voice teasing. “Like what you see?”

They’re sparring in the courtyard, both sweating lightly from the pervasive Fire Nation humidity. Seamlessly gliding in and out of forms, they dance around each other in a way that’s unbelievably familiar but still manages to keep them on their toes.

With a coy smirk, Katara arches her back, narrowly avoiding a fiery kick to the face. “So what if I do?” She’s light on her feet as she launches herself away from him, pulling streams of water along behind her.

“I should hope you do,” Zuko replies, rolling his eyes lightly. He pursues her, though, just as he always has over the past five years.

Before they know it, their sparring is long forgotten as they tear down the hallway together with reckless abandon. By the time they reach their chambers, they’re both breathless, panting heavily as Zuko nearly shoves open the front door.

As soon as they’re both inside, Zuko shuts the door behind them, pinning Katara against a wall, hovering over her. The air grows thick with tension as he brushes her nose with his, broad arms caging her in on either side.

“Katara,” he murmurs, pressing kisses along her jawline. “Katara, I love you.”

Tipping her head back slightly, giving him better access to the soft skin of her neck, Katara allows her eyes to close, blissfully. “I love you, Zuko…”

The windows to their room are still open, and their skin glistens beneath the afternoon sun. Their limbs tangle, and Zuko’s fingers run along the curve of her waist, skimming beneath the blue fabric of her simple training tunic.

They’re a mess, really, but they’re a mess together.

Katara doesn’t mean to ask, but the question tumbles from her lips before she can stop it. “Zuko… What if we tried for a baby?”

This time, Zuko seems perfectly content pretending as though he didn’t hear her, far more interested in the bottom edge of her tunic than her question. He pushes her toward the bed and hovers over her, love shining in his eyes.

“Zuko?”

His eyes seem to shift back into focus as he meets her gaze. “Yes?”

“Can we try for a baby?” She asks, completely in earnest. “We’ve been married for several weeks now, and I just…”

Zuko sits up, pressing shaky fingers to his temples. “I… I don’t know, Katara. The council barely approved our marriage to begin with. I don’t know if springing a baby on them so soon would be wise.”

Rolling off the bed, Katara begins to rummage through their closet, looking for a fresh set of robes to change into, hiding her disappointment. “Yes… You’re… You’re probably right, Zuko. We can wait.”

iii.

There’s something very peaceful about the turtleduck pond that had once belonged to Zuko’s mother. Standing at the edge of the water, soft waves lapping at her bare ankles, Katara breathes in once, then twice.

After receiving several pointed comments from various members of the council regarding the current insecurity of Zuko’s line, Katara fled to the pond. Under normal circumstances, she would have snapped back at them in an instant, but now, she’s all too aware of the fact that she’s a nineteen year old girl that many of the more traditional council members believe to be merely a figurehead. Deep down, though, she’s also mindful of the fact that, in some regards, she agrees with them.

This is a subject that she and Zuko have spoken of on several occasions before getting married.

Children.

Really, after the sheer amount of conversations they had during their courtship regarding becoming parents one day, Katara would’ve expected a more positive reception from Zuko when discussing carrying on their family line. She thought that they were of one mind on this, that they’d look toward starting a family as soon as they were married.

But, no… They’re married, and Zuko’s shied away from the topic twice now, and Katara can’t bring herself to push him too far, too soon.

Kneeling beside the pond, Katara doesn’t pay the clods of mud and loose grass any mind as she trails her fingers along the surface of the water. A few turtleducks swim nearby, occasionally daring to quack in her general direction. The air is balmy, and she basks in the gentle warmth of the day.

“Katara?” Zuko appears beneath an archway leading toward the gardens. “I thought I’d find you here.” Then, he’s by her side in an instant, looking down on her kneeling form with concern. “I’ve scolded the council members who spoke out of turn soundly. They had no right to make such remarks toward you.”

Her lips twist into a frown. “I can fend for myself, Zuko.” She can. And she does, when the situation calls for it.

Zuko seems taken aback. “I know that… I just… I didn’t want them speaking of you in such a way.”

“Thank you,” Katara replies simply. “But while I disagree with their delivery and the methods by which they convey such a message, I can’t help but think that perhaps what they say has some merit.”

“You’re not some… harlot or concubine with whom I’m supposed to conceive children, Katara.” Zuko looks scandalized.

Katara’s temper flares as frost forms at her fingertips. “No. I’m not. I’m your wife. Your wife, Zuko.” She stands abruptly, water she doesn’t bother to bend away dripping from her robes. “We spoke about children before getting married, and Dad and Iroh aren’t getting any younger, and we have the security of a nation to think of, and… I was under the impression that we… that we weren’t going to waste any more time.”

“Waste any more time?” Zuko repeats, hurt clouding his eyes. “How is any moment I spend with you a waste of time?” He stumbles backward, nearly tripping on his long robes.

Almost instantly, Katara’s anger dissipates. The surface of the water toward the edges of the pond have begun to crackle with ice, but she steps away from it before she causes any further damage, turtleducks quacking indignantly. “Zuko…” She reaches for her husband, gripping his warm hands in her freezing ones. “I didn’t mean it that way…”

Zuko stands rooted to the ground in silence, allowing her to trace his palms with her thumbs.

Then, Katara reaches out to tug her husband into her arms, not bothering to heed her drenched robes. “Zuko, I love you.” She rests her head against his chest, hoping that the tears glistening along her lashes go unnoticed. “We can talk about this some other time.”

iv.

“Katara?” Zuko lingers just outside of her study, a hand resting on the doorframe.

Fingers stained with ink, her hair piled atop her head in a way that’s likely quite unfitting for a Fire Lady, Katara lifts her head, meeting her husband’s gaze. “Yes, Zuko?”

He steps into the room uncertainly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder as he stands by her side. “Are you… Are you feeling okay?”

Forgetting that she’s covered in ink, Katara pinches the bridge of her nose lightly. “Of course.” She’s buried in paperwork and notices and letters, and she’s very likely overworking herself, but she’s also happy, helping others, serving Zuko’s people and, by extension, her own.

A ragged sigh slips from Zuko’s lips as he tugs an empty chair forward so that he can sit beside her. “Katara… I’ve given everything a lot of thought, and I think that I’m finally ready to talk.”

“To talk?” Katara repeats, her brows furrowing. “Talk about what?”

Zuko dips her brush back in its ink well and scoots her parchments across the table. “Children.”

Instantly, Katara’s eyes fill with worry. “We don’t have to – Really. Not until you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Katara,” Zuko replies, his voice a light rasp. “But I think that I am ready, now.”

So, Katara stills her body and gives him her full attention, correspondence and paperwork long forgotten.

“I’m… scared.” Zuko’s confession is soft enough that she almost doesn’t catch it the first time. “I’m really scared.” He clarifies, “I’m scared to have children. You know as well as anybody that I don’t really give a damn about what the council says, as long as they’re not hurting you or our people. But I’ve been using them as an excuse because I haven’t been sure of how to explain this to you.”

Carding his hands through his hair, Zuko unties his topknot, dropping his Fire Lord’s crest onto her desk. “I love you, Katara, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been more clear about how I feel or what I’m thinking.” He hangs his head, suddenly looking less like a twenty one year old man and more like a sixteen year old boy. “When we’d spoken about children in the past, it had always felt so distant, so far away in the future.”

Zuko continues, “But now the council’s pressuring us for an heir, and we’ve only been married for a month or two, and I guess I wasn’t expecting for everything to happen so fast.” He steals a glance at her when he thinks she’s not looking. “I don’t want to be like my father, Katara.”

And suddenly, it all makes sense.

“I don’t want to be like my father,” Zuko repeats again, stronger and with more conviction. “The thought of having children scares me because I don’t know who I’ll become with them around or who they’ll become with me as a dad.” He laughs bitterly, “I’ve always known that you would make a wonderful mother, Katara. I just didn’t have confidence that I would be a good father.”

Katara softens, opening her arms so that he can collapse lightly against her. “Zuko… I’m sorry for all the times in the past where I’ve pushed you.” She drops his gaze. “I had no idea.” Running her fingers through his messy hair, she presses a kiss to his forehead. “Thank you for sharing this with me… And, for what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a wonderful father one day.”

“I think so too,” Zuko agrees in a whisper, as though saying it too loud will cause it not to come true. Then, he flicks his gaze from her eyes to her lips and back again. “Hey… Katara. Ask me again.”

“What?” She nearly laughs, tugging him even closer.

Zuko’s expression shifts, the features of his face softening with joy. “Ask me if we can have a baby.” He pulls her onto his lap, allowing their limbs to tangle despite their heavy robes.

It’s as though the wind’s been knocked out of her. “Can we have a baby, Zuko?”

“Let’s have a baby, Katara.” Zuko surges forward to kiss her again, and they’re both nearly delirious with happiness. “I’m ready now… We can have a baby,” he whispers.

And those are the sweetest words Katara’s ever heard.

[deepwaterwritingprompts]

ooh ask day! are you working on any of your own writing at the moment? what excites you about it? is your writing similar to your prompts in any way? or do the prompts fulfill something else for you?

mainly im working on getting my first novel published, which you can read about HERE. otherwise, the sequel, an adult fiction project, and an urban fantasy type YA about a town called florida. in florida. Florida, florida.

Florida project, working title BORDERLINE, is the most in line with my general prompt vibe here. a little cosmic horror, bent reality, just generally odd.

I never write stuff based off the prompts, but I DO write prompts based off my own stuff, very occasionally. for me, writing prompts is like scales for a musician. keeps my brain well oiled.

*still taking asks, no requests please*

anyway, ive been working on Florida project a lot lately. have an excerpt:

Backpage:

Lin O’Leary was born and raised in the town of Florida, Florida, tucked away into a corner of the state’s forgotten coast. All the locals know Florida is a strange place, rumored to stand on a borderline, where the veil is thin and mysterious forces wander alongside the human population. The daughter of Irish and Mexican immigrants, Lin knows you can only find trouble if you go looking for it, and like the rest of Florida’s residents, lives comfortably alongside the supernatural. This is before Momoko Kasahara disappears into thin air, frightening the town of Florida into a new, ultra-cautious existence. Five years after Momo’s disappearance, Lin is seventeen, a highschool dropout now working at a convenience store, her once vibrant town still plagued by fear. The days drag by, mundane as they come in Florida, occasionally punctuated by unpleasant visits from Bo Kasahara, brother to Momo and full time asshole. Then, one fateful late shift, Lin sees the missing Kasahara twin standing in the aisles, gone as quickly as she appeared. Meanwhile, a stranger arrives from California, claiming to be a paranormal investigator hellbent on uncovering the mysteries of Florida, and suddenly Lin is faced with a choice. Be smart and keep her head down, or dive headlong into the strange mist that so often covers Florida, to rescue Momo Kasahara, and return her town to the way she remembers it.

1. 100% humidity feels like breathing underwater.

L I N

Florida ate Momoko Kasahara on the most miserable day of the year, and washed her down with a thunderstorm. A lot of other important things happened that day, but Momo’s disappearance overshadowed them all. Momo was the coolest girl in our class. She had shiny black hair that ran down to her waist. She liked to wear a different flavor of lip gloss every day of the week, and could sing in Japanese. I was on my way home from the beach when I saw the police cars in her driveway, and her twin brother sitting on the porch, painted purple in the twilight. 

He shook his head, at me, slow, and all the sound seemed to drain out of the world. The flashing police lights distorted his face, as bright white clouds passed too quickly above us. The whole scene drove a stake of wrongness hard into my chest. Sometimes even now, I dream about it. Bo and I watching each other. The dead silence. The purple light. The too white clouds. And Momo, eaten.  For the first time in my life, I was afraid of my own town. 

My name is Lin O’leary. I live in Florida, Florida, a nothing sort of place crammed into an extra forgotten corner of the state’s already forgotten coast. Some days I can forget about Momo, and everything that happened in the hours before she vanished. Heff says I’m good at keeping my eyes closed, even when they’re open. 

I really wish he were right. 

2. Cloudy with a chance of hotdogs (haunted).

J U L I E N

I was standing in front of the worst building I had ever seen. Slab grey and full of sharp edges, additions had been slapped onto every side until it resembled an impossible puzzle piece. The front windows were crowded with signs for cold beer and hot food, but the glass itself was opaque. It was a convenience store from hell, a collection of stationary parts so nonsensical I was worried it might grow a few new alcoves if I blinked. Above the door, an unintelligible sign in complicated neon cursive flashed electric blue. There was a neon clock too, flickering wildly, just striking twelve.

I must have walked halfway across town, and as far I could tell this was the only place that sold food at all, let alone past three in the morning. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. My stomach was a mess, and haunted convenience store hot dogs could only make it worse. I fished my phone out of my pocket, but the little service I had was, like the midnight clock above me, barely clinging to existence, my map application nothing more than a collection of beige squares. There was no one around. The sky was intensely dark, a pitch black blanket of clouds. Water hung thick in the air, the night time street so quiet I could almost hear beads of sweat sliding down my already slick face. No, there was nothing for it. I needed directions. 

The bell above the door made a strange, flat sound as I pressed inside. If the building was weird from the outside, that was nothing to its interior. The shelves, tall and numerous, had been arranged like maze walls. The overhead lights were blinding, stark white, and every other tile on the floor was mismatched. Some were squares of carpet. The only thing really visible from the entrance was the register, a fortress made of dark wood and surrounded by lottery advertisements. Behind the counter, a girl was reading something intently. As I got closer, I saw it was the back of a box of oatmeal.

“Hi,” I said, adjusting the duffel bag that had been crushing my left shoulder for an hour. 

The girl nodded, but didn’t look up. She had thin black hair, pin straight and chin length. Her skin was a warm, golden brown. Her shirt said something in miniscule writing, but my glasses were a little foggy, so I would have had to practically press my face to her chest to read it, which didn’t seem like a great first impression.

“Can you help me? I’m looking for the Fahrenheit Motel. I think it’s supposed to be around here.” 

Finally, she glanced at me. 

“It’s just around the corner. See the glasses store across the street? Go straight past that and make the second left, you’ll run right into it.” 

She pointed out the window, and I realized they were one way. 

“Who built this place?” I asked. 

She shrugged. 

“We’ve had a lot of owners. Everyone adds something new.”

There was something off about her. Like we were talking, but mentally she was still 

reading the box of oatmeal. 

“I’m Julien,” I said, sticking out a hand. She raised her eyebrows before taking it. 

“Lin,” she said, with another small nod. 

Her face was round, but her features were knife sharp. I wondered what she looked like angry. Maybe that was a really weird thing to think. 

Not wanting to ask for a second set of directions, I wandered around the store for thirty minutes before returning to the counter with a gallon of chocolate milk and a bag of seaweed flavored potato chips. 

“I can’t believe you have these. I didn’t think you could find them outside of California.”

Instead of replying, Lin held up the chocolate milk. 

“There’s no fridge in your room at the Fahrenheit. You know that right?”

“I was told on the phone… ” I started.

“There’s a fridge, but it’s in the lobby, communal. Kimmy’ll drink this.” She gave the milk a little shake before scanning it. “Just warning you.”

“Thanks,” I said, as she stuffed my things in a smiling shopping bag. 

I paused on my way out.

“Goodnight,” I said, “Or, good morning I guess.” 

Lin stared at me, then glanced at the box of oatmeal and back. 

“Morning,” she said, with a sigh.

***

I followed Lin’s directions, and wound up at last in front of a long, low building sporting a vacancies sign. Even in low light I could see about a hundred sad looking plastic flamingos had been stuck all over the lawn, the bushes, even the gravel path that led to the front door. I had to pick my way around them on approach. 

There was no one at the front desk. The reception area was lit only by the green blue light coming from an enormous fishtank that didn’t seem to have any fish in it. As I approached the counter, I noticed someone had left the key to my room out for me, next to a scrap of paper bearing the wifi password. I picked up the key, old and brass, then watched the fishtank for a second, before turning around and experiencing heart failure. 

A very old woman with wiry black hair was standing there in her nightgown, arms crossed and frowning at me. She didn’t apologize for nearly sending me to my grave. 

“I’m up. I can check you in properly,” she said, shuffling past me. “I’m Kimmy, but you can call me Miss Kimmy. You got ID?” 

I dug it out of my wallet while she opened a dusty guest book. 

“The reservation is for Julien True,” I said. 

Miss Kimmy glanced at the ID I had just handed her. 

“That’s not what this says.”

“I know. It’s a stage name,” I admitted, “everything else is correct.”

She raised an eyebrow to herself, but didn’t ask any more questions. 

“Now listen,” she said finally, shutting the guest book with a snap. “I’ll be honest, there’s not much to do around here. There’s a bus runs to the state forest during the day, and the beach isn’t going anywhere. If you’re hungry that’s too bad for the most part, unless you feel like walking down to Morton’s.”

“Is that the weird looking building? One way windows?”

“That’s the one. Midnight Morton’s, never closes. This late at night you’ve got Lin at the counter, nice girl.” 

I don’t know what I would have called Lin, but it probably wasn’t ‘nice girl’.

“Thanks,” I said, glancing around for the hallway that led to my room.

I bid Miss Kimmy goodnight and lugged my things to Room 7, at the very end of the dark hall. Inside was simple, but stunningly clean, which I had in no way expected. The bed had a sunken spot in the middle, and there were a lot of paintings of tropical fish on the walls. Home sweet home. I changed into pajamas, and took a huge swig of chocolate milk before glancing at my duffel, still full of equipment. 

It could wait. I was exhausted, sweaty, and more alone than I had ever been in my entire life. 

3. Welcome to my grocery store how may I assist you.

L I N

“I want to drop out of high school,” said Roach. 

We were sprawled out on separate tartan sofas, both angled towards the ancient television. It was after midnight, and the only light in the room was coming from the nature channel.

“No you don’t,” I said. “You’re not even in high school.”

Roach was a weird little girl. Eleven years old, she wore oversized thrift store t-shirts, and big chunky glasses, and cut her own hair. I loved her the most in this world.

“Yeah, but when I get there, I want to drop out. You did.”

I sighed. 

“You’re smarter than me. You have to finish school and work in a laboratory anywhere but here. Those are the rules.” 

Roach crossed and uncrossed her skinny legs without arguing. I knew she just wanted to hear me say she was smart. 

We continued to watch the nature channel in silence. A documentary on the arctic ocean was playing, which I found devastatingly boring, but Roach was clearly glued to. I could hear dad snoring upstairs, a pleasant sort of nightly white noise, and tuned out completely until Roach clapped an inch from my face. 

“Jeez,” I started, pushing her hands away.

“You were way out there. It’s freaky.”

I had been practicing my zone out since I was Roach’s age. On my best day, I could have an entire conversation without hearing one word the other person said. Call it a life skill.

“You’re doing it again!” said Roach. “Don’t you have work soon?” 

That snapped me out of it. I looked at my watch. 

“Oh, yeah. Thank you.” 

I rolled off the couch as Roach sat back down with a huff. The arctic documentary was ending, and she picked up the changer to scroll through a long list of similar recordings. Roach loved animals, all of them, even fish that ate your insides, and grubs, and parasitic worms. Especially parasitic worms. 

“Don’t stay up too late okay?” I said, tugging gently on her massive ponytail. Roach got dad’s curly, reddish brown hair. I got mom’s.

“Mmhm.”

I glanced in the hall mirror to see if there was any food on my shirt. Then I stepped into the mosquito ridden, muggy Florida night, and headed to my shift.

***

You might be thinking: where does a seventeen year old high school dropout work after midnight? And the thrilling answer is: the grocery store, sort of.

You might be thinking: what? 

But that’s Morton’s. 

The sliding doors opened smoothly for me upon arrival, which was always a good omen. I straightened the newsstand and went to look for Barry.

My manager, a small, Dominican man who loved to party, was in the produce section with a woman I assumed was his latest girlfriend. He was chucking the moldiest vegetables into an open trashcan.

“Our fresh produce is a travesty,” I said. “When was the last time someone bought an eggplant here?”

“I’m thinking of moving the veg,” said Barry, “they don’t like the energy in this corner.”

Barry was constantly moving things around the small labyrinth that was Morton’s. At least once a month he would take an hour long stroll from shelf to shelf, while I wrote down what was going where. I made a new map of the store for every big move.

“What are you guys up to tonight?” I asked, as Barry followed me to the register, bag of moldy vegetables in hand.

“Dancing,” said his date, with an endearing round of jazz hands, as Barry broke into a stationary samba while he gave me a list of stuff to work on. He treated me to his own enthusiastic jazz hands, and a few notes of a Juan Luis Guerra song as he samba’d in the direction of the door. As it swung shut behind them, I let the intense silence of Morton's wash over me. The fluorescent lights hummed gently. The food sat well behaved in slightly crooked rows. I turned my brain down to its lowest setting, and consulted my list.

...

[allforhader]

Dream a Little Dream of Me

Bill Hader x (F) Reader

Requested By: @designersophisticate

Warnings: Langauge

[ e/c : eye color]

Having those second thoughts after years of a commitment you thought was going to last until you’re buried six feet under...yeah. As much as that is dark. I never thought I’d feel this way about someone again.

“Hey, Y/N did you see that TMZ article?”

“Kristen the fact that you’re saying TMZ, I’m already disinterested”

“Well yeah. But if it’s about you, shouldn’t you read it?”

“What’s so interesting about my life that’s got TMZ all over it?” Y/N laughs at the thought because besides being a married successful actor, what interesting thing can they get?

“As much as TMZ isn’t the best source the fans should look at, this stuff can still hurt actors” Kristen states showing Y/N the article off her phone.

Y/F/N Y/L/N seen with Bill Hader without their significant others—Is there something there?

Y/N gave it a neutral look before handing Kristen her phone back. “Textbook rumor, hell. It was probably a teen that wrote that”

“Are you going to tell Bill or have him find out himself?”

“Knowing him and media, I’m gonna have to tell him” Y/N laughs before pulling up the article on her phone and sending it to Bill.

Bill: Wow. Haha, that’s a textbook rumor

Y/N: Thats what I told Kristen lol

Bill: So...You’re already in New York for SNL Saturday right?

Y/N: Right?

Bill: You want to grab drinks? Night before of course

Before Y/N can say anything more she stops herself from replying when her husband texted her. A smile formed on her face loving that he did but there’s so much more to it...

Evan: Hey baby!

Evan: Hope New York ain’t that humid like it is here. Honestly if it weren’t for our careers, we would totally be in a colder state. Can’t stand the heat

Evan: but yknow. LA is home lol

Evan: Speaking of LA, TMZ made a ridiculous article lmao. If I didn’t know already that you and Bill are just friends, I’d be worried. But again...It’s TMZ

Evan: Anyway! I love you

Y/N: I love you too

Bill frowns seeing she hasn’t responded and feels like he’s come on a little strong when...it’s just drinks.

“Hey, you gotta get going or you’ll miss your flight” Maggie smiles handing Bill his coat before he left.

He of course kisses his wife goodbye, but the lingering feeling in his chest grew.

When Bill was in the air he decided to shoot a text to Y/N indicating that he invited their friends but Y/N didn’t receive it. Reception and everything. But—

Y/N: I’d love to

was sent before Bill’s when his plane landed and he didn’t realize until it sent.

Bill: I invited Kate, Kenan, Fred, and Kristen...John is a maybe and Seth isn’t going to be in town.

“Shit. Should’ve—-fuck” Bill frowns waiting in baggage claim when Fred scared the man out of the blue. Even if Bill did know he was his ride.

Y/N sat in her hotel room staring at the text for a minute before checking the time and suddenly getting a semi crazy idea.

Y/N: You told me the other day you got a late flight...wondering if you want to order in some room service at my hotel room. If you’re not tired

Bill: Fred picked me up from the airport if you don’t mind him tagging along

Y/N: More the merrier :)

More the merrier...

After arrival and ordering in, Fred and Bill had already started to argued with each other about true crimes as Y/N sat back watching the two go back and forth. She laughs as she drinks her wine.

“So does it always end with her snapping?”

“No but when she snaps-“

“She snaps”

“Okay” Y/N laughs setting down her glass as Bill couldn’t help but smile enjoying her laugh.

“Well. I’m gonna get some sleep. I’ll see you two tomorrow” Fred got up giving Bill a look before leaving the two alone.

“Damn and I was just starting to enjoy your talk about true crime. I’m more into medical dramas”

“Like Grey’s?”

“Oh definitely Grey’s” Y/N smiles laughing as Bill moves himself beside her on the bed leaning against the headboard. “Did you even start it when I recommended it to you?”

“Okay I got up to season...eight and that is a shitton of Drama for me to handle”

“And yet you watch Snapped like it’s something you can’t live without”

“Ok ok...Snapped. Is the greatest show that I don’t even have a valid reason to explain why I like it so much.” Bill states looking over at Y/N as he...found himself lost in a thought.

Can’t really say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. What if my life would’ve been different if I met Y/N before I got married? It clearly would’ve been different but would life have gone the same route as it is now...I’m lucky. Fuck. Lucky she’s in my life as it is...just

Friday rehearsals went by fast, Bill got a kick out of watching Y/N take off the liquid latex off her eyebrows. He laughs as he hands her the makeup wipes to get off the residue. Y/N rolls her eyes flicking Bill in the forehead for laughing at her.

“Y/N, John is looking for you. Wants to run lines again” Fred smiles watching Y/N clean up a bit before going to find John.

“Didn’t John leave before the rest of us?”

“Yeah but I wanted a minute to ask you”

“Ask me what?”

“I don’t know. Guess I’m stalling” Fred wasn’t stalling, he honestly wanted to be nosey asking if anything more happened when he was gone. He didn’t think exactly that. But the thought did cross his mind. “Uh. So about drinks tonight. That’s still down?”

“You really has to ask without Y/N present? Yeah it’s still down” Bill laughs patting Fred’s back before grabbing his things.

Soon the gang was hitting the bar late and really just enjoying each other’s time. Fred handed Kristen and Y/N their drinks as Kenan handed Kate and Bill theirs.

“You owe new a game of darts Fred”

“You are so on” Fred laughs at Kenan as he immediately got up from the booth.

“So Y/N, how’s your life in LA?” Kate smiles. “I have a role down there and wanted to know if there’s anything worth it”

“Well if you’ve in LA as long as I have, it’s pretty much worth seeing everything. When you have the time of course” Y/N smiles taking a sip of her wine catching Bill’s gaze on her which instantly made him look away.

“None of us have been in LA as long as you have. Literally. The phrase that “no one is from LA” is true when it comes to you” Kristen smiles watching Y/N shrug. “What’s stopping you from leaving?”

“Yeah, and don’t say career. Because you can easily live here and become a full on regular for SNL. Also get a few gigs here” Kate states as Y/N rolls her eyes smiling.

“I would do anything to get out of LA...but yknow. My husband is the reason.”

“God I hate that” Bill says out of the blue catching all three of them staring at him as he quickly downs his scotch. “Um. Y’know. If they really love and support you. You can do anything. But if they don’t...”

“They aren’t the one for yeah” John cuts in sliding into the booth beside Y/N. “Sorry for coming late. Had to get a few last minute ideas run by Lorne”

“You’re all good. But Kenan and Fred have beat you to the dart board”

“Shit. I call winner, re-fills?” John asks catching a nod from everyone but Y/N. “Want a new drink or?”

“Or...I’m gonna walk back to my hotel. Not feeling that great”

“Already? Damn...well at least get drinks with me when I’m in LA?”

“Of course Kate, see you guys tomorrow” Y/N smiles grabbing her coat and leaving the booth.

Bill watches her go giving John a look as he shrugs pointing with his eyes. He immediately got up going to catch up with her. She wasn’t far...but he hesitated for a second.

“They aren’t the one for yeah” Thanks John. I’ll be thinking about that for the rest of my life. Or well...the rest of my marriage.

Y/N froze when she heard fast movement behind her indicating the short run Bill made. She looks at him confused as he gave her a concerned look.

“We...are in the same hotel. Want to walk with me?”

“Yeah..I do” Bill states catching a very light tint of pink growing on Y/N’s cheeks as she quickly looked away. “Um. Are you only leaving because of what I said?” he asks as they started walking side by side.

Yes. Because...well what am I supposed to say to you? I can’t live to you. You’re one of my best friends. Someone I can be honest with. But you...make my mind go blank for a good minute. Forgetting that I’m married. Married to someone I’m just trying to make it work with at this point...I love Evan don’t get me wrong...but god what would I do—

“Uh. Can I lie saying it didn’t bug me?”

“So it bugged you”

“Little bit”

“I’m sorry” Bill frowns wishing he didn’t say it at all or let his emotions be a factor in it all.

“Be honest with me?”

“Always”

“Are you and Maggie okay? Because there....um. Must’ve been more to it personally than the obvious” But what’s the obvious? That I’m in love with you? Shit.

“Well, she loves me. I love her. But...the feeling is mutual. We haven’t talked about it entirely but when...the spark dies. It dies” Bill said bluntly making Y/N think too hard about what he just said. She didn’t want to feel bad, a part of her felt differently. “We really just yknow what to get everything in order before officially”

“Yeah no...I get it. Well. Yeah I do. I get it” Y/N frowns before flinching to the sudden boom.

Bill looks at Y/N freak a tad to the boom which was the sound of thunder. It’s not New York without one day of rain. Let alone lightening. He instantly wraps his arm around her out of instinct directing her under an awning.

“Should’ve...taken a cab”

“Mm. We can make it. If you trust me out in the rain”

“If we get electrocuted. It’s God hating me” Fuck.

I trust him.

I know she trusts me.

He wouldn’t have said that...if there wasn’t something.

She doesn’t like talking about Evan. Could there...

There’s something else

Fuck. Be true.

I’m...Ive been....

After all these years...I can’t just call her a friend.

“Fuck. Even in a jacket I’m soaking....fuck” Y/N was shaking but not because of the rain. Being afraid of thunder is a completely different story that she didn’t have the time to explain, when her mind is wondering.

“Come on...you should get out of the wet clothes” Bill says as he rests his hand on her cheek catching her gaze. Her beautiful e/c eyes looking up at him catching a whole other feeling.

After getting out of her wet clothes, Y/N opens her hotel room door looking up at a very distressed Bill. She frowns letting him in and once the door closed, he turned back to her taking her face into his hands kissing her.

I shouldn’t have done that.

...mutual

Fuck

Y/N shortly after pushed Bill off giving him a worried look before suddenly laughing and breaking down into tears. I’m sorry.

“Y/N—“

“I-...God. You have no idea Bill Hader. No fucking idea”

“What do you mean?” Bill frowns trying to comfort her but Y/N retracted herself.

“I feel so out of place here. Like. God. You drive me insane! And I don’t mean in a negative way. It’s never in a negative way. I’m just—-terrified!” Y/N laughs as she choked up on her tears. “I’m...I’ve been in love with you ever since we got close. But I’m married—you’re married—-and adultery is a fucking....sin? Hell I’m not religious but it is! Like Bill don’t get me wrong” She states resting her hands on his chest looking up at him as he continued to have a worried look. “I...I want to be with you. But I can’t...can’t do that to Evan.”

Bill watches her continue to cry as he takes in a deep breath before exhaling and resting his hands on her cheeks making her look at her. “It’s terrifying...falling in love again...especially to someone who has already locked that down. You’re...not alone in that boat. And I....I don’t want to give you an ultimatum or whatever the right word is called but...”

But?

“I’m willing to wait until the end of my lifetime to be with you. I know the next chapter in my life and my wife is on the same page. But the one after that...I’m willing to wait forever if I have to. If it means being with you. I’m not going to force you Y/N. You mean the world to me, but I don’t want to hurt you for eternity by forcing you”

And that’s that. He said that and Y/N took it to heart. Knowing exactly the next thing she does.

Is her choice.

The two haven’t seen each other in six months the after that SNL night, let alone talk to each other. Bill got a divorce, and he has set time for himself until he got a role at the end of that six month period heading straight for New York. Pretty common place for movies to be shot but he didn’t want to go anywhere crazy at that moment. Stepping onto set first day meeting the people you’ll be working with for months wasn’t a hard thing to do, but being handed a physical script that has the character list within it. Bill took his seat at the table read opening the script and reading-

“Hey Hader” Y/N smiles sitting beside him setting down her copy of the script and her tea. “It’s been a while”

“It has...you cut your hair” Bill smiles admiring the new look of hers. Y/N shot him a smile before elbowing him.

“Working out for Barry still Huh?” Y/N smiles catching a laugh as Bill nods crossing his arms. “You’re perfect no matter what. Y’know that right?”

“I do, do you?”

“Of course” Y/N smiles as the two straighten up when it got time for the actual read.

Afterward...

“You have a ride?”

“Rental”

“Oh shit. Hold on. Did you pay for a hotel room yet?” Y/N asks confusing the fuck out of Bill as she laughs at the confused look. “Just answer it Bill”

“Not yet. I just got in to be honest”

“Stay with me then” Y/N smiles. “I live in a loft on 408 Greenwich Street...it’s not that far and I have plenty of room”

“Lead the way?” Bill tosses her his keys as Y/N smiles nodding.

She’s...still the same happy girl when he first met her. Even if they both been through a lot the past six months. A lot has changed but the one thing Bill worried about...hasn’t changed. Because she doesn’t want their relationship to change until...then

Bill looks out into the street from her loft’s window. It’s not that bad of a neighborhood. Makes him wonder if it’s ever crazy loud at night or if it’s safe. He wants her to be safe.

“So, how long have you been here?”

“Uh. A month. But I put a down payment two months ago. It’s nice right? Not too big. Not too small. Just right...” Y/N smiles walking over standing beside him. “How are you? How’s everything in LA?”

“I’m good. Everything is good” Bill smiles. “And you? Evan?”

“Well, the decision wasn’t mutual. But it brought more things to light. So...Yknow. It was a matter of time” Y/N shrugs. “But hey. We are finalizing it. He’s still in LA and I’m here. Kinda...starting over. Turning a new leaf” she laughs at how that can sound but he understood. He understood completely.

“So, I know...the wound is still fresh. But baby steps huh?”

“Yeah” Y/N smiles taking his hand into hers feeling him gently squeeze. “Baby steps”

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Remnants, Part V

If you’ve got questions, shoot me an ask and I’ll answer if it won’t spoil the plot : ) I hope you enjoy this update--I know I enjoyed the hell out of writing it.

Part I,  Part II,  Part III,  Part IV,      

Summary: You are in the midst of formulating your dissertation, but you’ve hit a wall. Your doting aunt, Rebecca, has a solution that brings you face to face with Ahkmenrah, Fourth King of the Fourth King. As the connection between you and Ahkmenrah grows, and as the secrets of his ancient tablet unlock, the once-king will find himself faced with a difficult choice.

    Thanks so much to @kitkatcronch @kpopperotp12 @seafrost-fangirl  @sassystrawberryk and @perfect-rami for reading : ) If anyone else wants added to the taglist, let me know. I’ve greatly appreciated all of the feedback!

    Warnings: Yup. Smut, full steam ahead, so get out if you’re under 18. Ahk is a solid 20 years of age to be certain to avoid any squick factor.

* * * * *

After looking over your appearance for the 25th time, you decided enough was enough. You had spent an inordinate amount of time on your hair, wanting to get it just the right amount of styled, yet still soft, loose, and naturally pretty. Your makeup was done with the same sort of precision as your hair, and for your outfit, you chose a black maxi dress made of a light material that would both accommodate the summer heat and compliment your figure. You settled for a pair of cute, comfortable flats that would be practical for all of the walking you’d be doing tonight.

  The evening was set. You’d start at the Empire State building, then take a walk on the High Line before ending up in the village just as the night was evolving into its full swing. There were two bars that you wanted to take Ahkmenrah to: an underground club that was a cozy little hideaway that hosted some of the best, under-the-radar Jazz musicians in the city, and the other was a more contemporary bar with an outdoor patio that hosted a variety of bands every Saturday night. You wanted to expose Ahk to as much as you could to see what he liked so maybe—

  No, you thought. Knock it off. Dangerous thoughts, dangerous thoughts. Has to be a one-time deal. Can’t normalize—  

  The near heart attack you had as you popped out of the subway station across from the museum interrupted your mental chastisement. It looked like there was a party going on; people were lined up and waiting to get in the front doors, music was blasting, and the laser lights were flashing.

  You thumped your hand against your forehead.

  Duh.

  It was the first Saturday of the month—the night the museum came alive after dark.

  What a clever little pharaoh, you thought. All Ahkmenrah had to do was tell Larry and Aunt Rebecca he didn’t feel like giving a tour and they wouldn’t question it. They had a thousand things to do on open-museum night and one less exhibit-come-to-life to worry about was a blessing.

  Because of the scads of people milling around the entrance and on the first floor, you were able to sneak up to Ahk’s exhibit without being noticed. You actually didn’t even notice that he was standing by one of his Anubis statues, waiting. You almost walked by before he grabbed your wrist.

  Your eyes widened, and you shook your head.

  “God, Ahk. You blend right in!”

  “Except for this,” Ahkmenrah said wiggling the toes of his stocking feet.

  You laughed and said, “Come on. I’ve got your shoes in my backpack.”

  The two of you quickly walked to the museum staff’s breakroom. Once inside, you took Ahk’s shoes out of the bag and helped him put them on.

  As you were tying the laces, Ahkmenrah said in a low voice, “You look beautiful, Y/N.”

  You smiled and thanked him as you proffered your hands. He took them and you pulled him up. He moved his feet around and you could see him attempting to wiggle his toes.

  “These do feel much better.”

  “See? You can trust me,” you said as you rummaged through your backpack to grab your small, crossbody bag.

  You tucked your backpack into an unused locker before you and Ahk snuck out the back door.

  Ahk took a deep breath and grinned, delighted to be free of the museum for an evening.

  You stared, again surprised at how natural he looked in regular clothes. He could’ve easily been someone you passed on the way to one of your classes, or a guy sipping a beer, sitting on a barstool, watching the tv play overhead. 

  You took a breath, shaking away your thoughts and explained, “It’s quiet here, Ahk, but the places we are going will be crowded. If you feel overwhelmed, just squeeze my hand and we’ll get out of there.”

  “I shall never be afraid with you by my side, Y/N.”

  Fucking charmer.

  “Alright, let’s go!” You said as you offered your hand to Ahkmenrah. He clasped it in his own, and the two of you headed back across the street to catch the subway.

  Ahkmenrah did an excellent job of not gaping or craning his neck to see every little thing in the city. In fact, he exuded an air of authority, and you wondered if that was a defense mechanism. It made you believe all the more in his ability to rule Egypt if he were able to project power even though he was feeling out of place.

  As you navigated the subway, Ahkmenrah quietly asked questions about the process, how the train moved, how you knew where you were, and you explained everything to him with as much detail as you could. His genuine curiosity was endearing. 

  Because of Ahk’s time with Jack, and because of his time exploring his current museum, he wasn’t unfamiliar with the layout of a city or its technological advancements. He had seen cars and cellphones, television and movies, modern clothing and hair styles; he did, after all, live in one of the country’s best museums. The exhibits often passed time by exploring the new displays that popped up, like the current “Kitchens through the Ages,” and many of these new displays followed a common theme: a critical look at life in the United States.

  Upon reaching the Empire State Building, Ahkmenrah did crane his neck to look up, asking if it was the tallest building in the world.

  “Not even close. In fact, there a few taller ones right here in the city.”

  He shot you a look of amazement, and you smiled, pulling him into the lobby. Once the two of you stepped out of the elevator and onto the observation deck, Ahkmenrah let go of your hand to rush to the edge and look down.

  You let him take it in, hanging back to watch him. His excitement was contagious, and you took this time to consider just how much of a blessing Ahkmenrah was for you. First, he helped you with the formulation of your dissertation, something that had been plaguing you for longer than you cared to admit, then he accepted your friendship with his whole being and you wondered if you’d ever had a friend of the like before, and now, here he was, breathing new life into the way you saw the city you grew up in.

  After a few minutes, you approached him and were surprised to see his eyes glistening with tears.

  “What is it?” you asked, your voice filled with concern.

  “It’s beautiful, overwhelmingly beautiful. The progress. The advancement of civilization. Never in a million years could I or any one of my people have imagined a world such as this. Do you know how lucky you are to have so much? To live, to breath, to walk amongst such phenomenon?”

  You wanted to swallow your cynicism to tell Ahk, yes! Yes, you saw the beauty of the city and the modern world, and you appreciated it every day! But you couldn’t lie to him, not when he was so open with you.

  “Honestly, I look around me and see flaws instead of beauty. That’s what drew me to the past, to your culture. Your people saw the beauty of life, day after day, through their hardships, their labor, all because of their love for their land. When we claim to love our country, it’s a fallacy—it’s something we are bred to say; it’s not something we feel in our hearts. At least not lately, anyway.”

  Ahkmenrah looked at you for a long time before saying, “I am sorry for you, Y/N. But it is not too late to learn to love the blessings your land has bestowed. Look at your life—you’re free to do as you please, to make of yourself anything that you wish. My people lived and died as they were born.”

  “Have I ever told you how wise you are, former pharaoh?”

  “I am forever a pharaoh; and no, you have not. I believe I shall never tire of hearing it, though,” Ahkmenrah replied as he smirked at you before growing serious again.

  “I also think you feel this way because you’re . . . oh, what’s the word? Without feeling?

  “Numb.”

  “Yes! You are numb to this place because it belongs to you, and we tend to treat the things that belong to us, the things that we are entitled to in the worst manner because they are just that—ours. People forget to appreciate what they have until it is gone.”

  Your smile was genuine, and you thought, for a flicker of a moment, that you could love this man in front of you so, so deeply.

  Fuck—no. Forget that. Forget that thought immediately.

  “Come on, we’ve got a lot more to see,” you said, changing the conversation.

  Ahkmenrah took your hand again as you made your way to the High Line. It was a linear park, built on an abandoned elevated railroad and provided gorgeous views of the city at night. It was open until 11, so you had made your reservation for the club in the village at 11:30. 

  “My gods,” Ahkmenrah commented. “People just scramble about through the city like tiny little scarabs devouring a corpse; they don’t stop to see anything. No wonder they feel as you do.”

  You looked at him with raised brows.

  “Too dark?”

  You laughed and shook your head, “I kinda like that side of you.”

  Ahkmenrah squeezed your hand and pulled you a little closer, shifting his grip to lace his fingers between yours.

  It was actually a nice night; a little cooler than you expected, but still humid. You wondered for a moment if it was going to rain, but there was nothing on the radar when you checked before leaving your apartment.

  Just like on the subway, Ahk asked a lot of questions, pointing to this building or that tree and wondering what it was. You answered his questions, appreciating the seriousness of his face as he stored every bit of information.

  You continually snuck glances at him when he grew quiet in order to just drink in his face. You could mentally trace the angles of his jaw, the curve of his nose, and the jut of his chin for hours. It was a face sculpted by the gods; of that, you were certain. 

  Once the park closed, you set out for the nearest train entrance and travelled to the village. The bar was a few minutes’ walk from the stop, and Ahkmenrah was quiet again as he observed the happy, some of them drunken, people on the street. The village had a different vibe than Manhattan, especially the west village. You loved it here and your apartment was only a few blocks away from the place you were headed now.

  The first bar was an underground jazz bar and it reminded you of the 1920s. Red curtains adorned the back of the stage, and candles were lit on every table. The lighting was low and the ceiling lights only adorned the outer walls. The tables were all close together and the musicians on stage tonight were very popular. You had made a reservation for one of the tables along the wall closer to the bar side than the stage so it would be a less crowded and Ahk could ask questions without the din of the music drowning him out.

  You took your seats, squeezing in next to each other. When you handed him the drink menu to look over, he looked at you shamefully before lowering his eyes.

  “What?”

  “I can’t read. Well, I can’t read in English.”

  Your mouth popped open.

  “How did I not know that? And, Jesus, of course not. When would you have learned how? I’m sorry, Ahk. That’s my fault for assuming.”

  “I should have been honest with you.”

  “Stop looking like you’ve done something wrong,” you said lifting his head with your fingers under his chin. “I’m not judging you! How many people can read, speak, and write in ancient Egyptian?”

  Ahkmenrah rolled his eyes.

  “It’s not exactly a useful skill. Everyone in your world can read. It’s shameful not to be able to.”

  “I’ll teach you. You already speak the language fluently, better than most native speakers. You’ll be reading in no time.”

  “Do you mean that?” Ahkmenrah asked, his eyes filling with happiness again.

  “Of course,” you said with sincerity. 

  Ahkmenrah smiled and pressed his lips to yours in a gesture of thanks. It felt natural, like the entire night of holding hands, soft touches, and smiles was leading to this small, but more intimate moment.

  He pulled away and studied your reaction.

  “I’m sorry—that was forward of me.”

  “No, it wasn’t. It was perfect of you,” you said, moving forward to kiss him again.

  This time you both smiled as you pulled away, and you turned your attention back to the drink menu.

  “Hmmm. We should probably take it easy. I have no idea what your tolerance for alcohol is.”

  “I beg your pardon. I am a king. No one was drunk at a party until I declared them so, least of all myself.”

  You laughed, “Okay, tiger, calm down. But we are still going to stick to white wine.”

  “Hmph.”

  “I am not carrying your ass to the subway station.”

  Ahkmenrah was still unapproving of your attempt to censor him, but after each of you had drank two glasses of white wine, you knew you had made the right decision.

  While Ahkmenrah watched the musicians, you watched him. He was impossibly close to you, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes half-lidded. His arm had snaked around your waist and his fingers were playing with the material of your dress, occasionally pressing into your thigh as he moved them in circles.

  Once the musicians finished their set, you whispered in Ahk’s ear to ask if he was ready to go to your last stop.

  “There’s more?” he questioned as he moved his lips closer to yours, the sweetness of the wine on his breath making you feel a little bit reckless.

  “I’m assuming you know how to dance?”

  “I’m descended from the gods. Of course I can dance!”

  “Alright, god-king,” you said through a chuckle. “We’ll see.”

  You paid your bill and exited up the stairs and on to the street. Just as you were about to get to the crosswalk, and just as Ahkmenrah had leaned into you and tangled his fingers with yours once again, your eyes connected with a very familiar pair of light blue ones.

  Fuck, you thought instantly. No, not fuck. It’s Ryan. My friend, Ryan.

  The balance between you and Ryan had worked for a long time. What was going to make this exchange awkward was that you had completely blown him off. You knew he wouldn’t appreciate that, especially because it was for some guy who looked younger than his 20 years of age, and who was a little bit drunk, and a lotta bit attached to your side.

  “Y/N!” another friend of yours shouted, spotting you just after Ryan had. “Did you decide to make it out after all—oh, who is your . . . friend?”

  “Hey, Chels. This is Ahkmenrah. He’s one of the new docents at the museum.”

  You should have been ashamed with how easily the lie flew from your lips, but all you wanted was to end this encounter and to not spoil Ahkmenrah’s evening.

  “Ahk, these are my friends Chelsea, Ryan, Timmy, Jess, and Ahmad.”

  “Hello, everyone,” Ahkmenrah greeted politely, firing off that charming smile of his.

  ��You guys should totally join us,” Chelsea said, eyeing Ahkmenrah. “We are headed to that new place off of Hudson street along West 10th. What’s it called again, Ry?”

  “Bleaker’s.”

  You shook your head, and said, “We’re actually headed in the opposite direction, but maybe next time.”

  “Aw, it’s been forever since you’ve hung out with us, Y/N.”

  “Dissertation research first, Chels.”

  “Clearly,” said Ryan. “Ack . . . Ahk—what was it again?”

  “Ahkmenrah,” you stated.

  “Let me guess—you’re an expert in ancient Egyptian culture?”

  “Yes,” Ahkmenrah stated before you could answer for him again. “I am.”

  “Fuckin’ aces, man. Hey—don’t let us interrupt your night,” Ryan said as he shoved his hands in his pockets and started toward the crosswalk. The rest of your friends waved goodnight, and Jess gave you a big hug, whispering how much she missed you, making you feel like a real bitch for having blown everyone off and getting caught while doing it.

  You hung back to miss the light and pulled out your phone. You had missed dozens of texts from your friends and now felt even more like an ass. Who doesn’t check their phone? As it turned out, you were so wrapped up in Ahk’s experiences that you didn’t even bother.

  “Is something wrong? We could still join your friends? It would be nice to talk to other people my age, too.”

  “Except that they aren’t exactly your fucking age, Ahk, are they?”

  The hurt in his eyes was damn near palpable, but what replaced it was worse. He knew you were right.

  “It doesn’t matter how much I may want to experience the life of this world because I never really can. Tonight was just an illusion.”

  You didn’t know what to say. He was right, but you were wrong for rubbing it in his face.

  “That guy, Ryan. He was, well is, sort of my . . . more than friend, if you catch my meaning.”

  Ahkmenrah thought for a moment before asking, “Is he your concubine?”

  You snorted out a laugh then stopped as you realized how accurate the term actually was.

  “I guess you could say we are mutual concubines. He lives his life, and I live mine, we’re friends, really good friends, but occasionally we have, well had, sex. It’s not something we’ve done in a while.”

  “Why not?”

  Before you could respond with, “Because I met you,” and potentially ruin your whole goddamn life, some higher power took mercy on you and opened up the sky. The storm came on so suddenly that Ahkmenrah looked pointedly up at the sky and asked what he had done to so offend Set.

  “Curse the gods later—come on!” you said, pulling Ahkmenrah along with you.

  This was supposed to be Ahk’s perfect night, and as you ran through the streets, the both of you just started laughing. Without fail, the universe gave zero shits about your carefully laid out plans.

  “My apartment is there,” you shouted, pointing to a brick building a few yards in front of you.

  You reached into your bag and grabbed the key for the front door, unlocking it as fast as you could. Ahkmenrah rushed in behind you, the two of you leaving actual puddles in the lobby. You waved an apology to Franklin, the night watchmen.

  Ahkmenrah followed you as you got on the elevator, pushing for the 6th floor, once again leaving tiny puddles in your wake. Once inside in your apartment, Ahkmenrah looked around, clearly dismayed by your tiny abode.

  “This is actually a pretty nice place for the city,” you said as you walked to the closet beside the kitchen to retrieve a few towels. You handed a towel to Ahk before you bent to wrap your ruined hair up in your own towel, hoping to stop some of the dripping.

  When you straightened, you saw that he was shivering, his curls completely flattened with water rolling down the sides of his face.

  You moved to place another towel around his shoulders and said, “We better get you out of these clothes.”

  You ran the towel through his hair, his curls springing back in a deliciously disheveled manner. You dropped the now heavy towel to the floor and reached down to pull his shirt over his head. It made a wet plop as it landed on the hardwood floor of your living area. You had no idea just what the fuck you thought you were doing as you ran your hands over his chest and down his arms, watching as goosebumps that probably didn’t have anything to do with the chill anymore popped up along his skin.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this,” you whispered as you continued touching him, your hands moving to frame his face before running through his hair.

  “What are we doing?” Ahkmenrah asked in a whisper.

  “Don’t you know?”

  “I think I know, but I know that I should tell you to stop. Tell you that we cannot do this,” Ahkmenrah’s face was so close to yours that the whisper of his words ghosted over your lips.

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s not fair to you, Y/N. You cannot have a normal life with me. And it’s also not fair to me to have a taste of something I can never truly have.”

  “You’ve thought about that?” you said, taking a step back to look at him.

  Ahkmenrah fixed his eyes on yours, clearing away the haze of lust before he said, “Ever since that day you stopped to ask me if I was sad or lonely. I’ve wanted you from the moment you showed me that compassion, from the moment you saw me as a person.”

  A sigh was all that could form and escape your body before you pulled Ahkmenrah’s mouth to yours.

  This kiss is heated, so unlike the soft, sweet kisses you had shared earlier in the evening. And as Ahkmenrah returned the kiss, you were taken aback at his boldness. Every ounce of timidity was gone from his demeanor, and it was clear that you were kissing a king, a young, virile man who once ruled all of one of the greatest empires in history.

  Ahkmenrah broke the kiss.

  “Tell me to stop, Y/N. Push me away. I will always do as you command.”

  “Ahkmenrah . . . don’t you dare stop.”

  His lips were on yours in an instant, and you kissed, tongues exploring, teeth nipping at lips, all while still standing in the same place, both of you wet, breathing into one another, becoming a writhing blur of want.

  Apparently, there were some things that you didn’t forget even after being dead for a few thousand years, and Ahkmenrah seemed determined that you should know that.

  He walked you back into the nearest hard surface, his mouth never leaving yours, his hands reaching up to pull the towel off your head so he could grip your hair. Once your ass connected with a surface, Ahkmenrah reached under your thighs to hoist you up, pulling your legs to wrap around his waist. His lips attached to your neck and one of your hands was fisted in his hair while the other held onto his shoulder for leverage. 

  You could feel now that he was rock hard as he rolled his hips into your center, and you were suddenly so aware of the encumbrance of the barrier made by his pants and your underwear. You wanted to be naked and underneath him.

  You pushed his shoulder, rocking your hips out to detach him from your neck, and he stopped sucking, turning his lust-dazed eyes to yours.

  “Bedroom,” you insisted, loosening your legs and hopping down, as you grabbed his hand to lead him around the corner to your room.

  It was a small room and there were only a few short steps to the edge of your full-sized bed, but you loved the windows that lined the wall. You could see just enough of the city to make the smallness of the room worth the price of rent.

  The rain had stopped, clearly just a squall, a reminder of how insignificant people are compared to nature. The water drops still clung to your window panes, reflecting the lights of the city. You reached behind your bed to plug in the string of fairy lights that lined the wall above. There was no way in hell you were doing this in the dark.

  You also stopped to pull all of the clothes from your outfit changes off the comforter and to toss them into the closet. Then you turned back to Ahk and pulled your sopping dress off, quickly followed by your bra. You reached up to finger comb some sense into your hair as Ahkmenrah watched the movements of your breasts and your arms, his eyes drinking in the sight of you. You couldn’t resist turning to look into the mirror, wondering if you looked like a racoon. Surprisingly, your makeup looked more late-night party, next-day smudged than drowned.

  “I know you never want to believe me when I say these things, but your beauty is unmatched, Y/N. Never have I wanted someone the way I want you.”

  You took a deep breath before saying, “Now would be a good time to take those pants off, Ahk.”

  And there was that grin, the one that made your heart sing like a fucking cartoon bird.

  He struggled for a moment with the snap but succeeded in quickly shucking off both his pants and underwear before realizing he still had on his shoes.

  You giggled and dropped to your knees to untie the strings and to help him kick them off. You finished peeling his soaking garments off, including his socks, and you pushed back up to a standing position to finally, finally take in your king’s naked splendor.

  You had noted it before, but his physical form was perfectly proportioned perfection, and now you could see that his cock was also no exception.

  You let out a hum of appreciation and Ahkmenrah’s sweet grin turned into something that would make the devil blush. Never had a man looked at you with such wicked, unabashed lust. That little shit knew just how beautiful he was.

  “Undress,” he delivered in the form of a command that made you immediately discard your underwear. 

  Ahkmenrah’s eyes drank in your body, traveling slowly to take you in from toe to head, his gaze making you feel like you could have been his queen in another life.

  Once his eyes locked onto yours, he closed the distance and kissed you with the same intense passion as earlier. 

  “My king,” you whispered, eliciting a growl of approval from deep within Ahk’s chest. He gently pushed you back to the bed and spread your legs as he made his way up your body.

  He began to take his time, kissing sensitive places, exploring what made you sigh or moan.

  By the time Ahkmenrah’s fingers and lips reached your center, your body was begging to be fucked. He slid his finger into you, quickly following it with another once he realized just how wet you were, and he worked that holy point of contact just inside of your walls until you were about to come.

  You pulled your hips away and Ahkmenrah didn’t need you tell him what you wanted. He wiped his wet fingers across the tip of his cock, and then watched himself enter you, his eyes slipping shut with every bit of him that sank further into you.

  You both moaned together at the contact, and you gripped his thighs with your hips, wanting to memorialize this moment. There would never be another like it because there never was in any relationship; the first time Ahkmenrah sank into you, sated you, was something you wanted to carry with you forever. 

  Ahk began to move, slowly, his muscles twitching with the effort of holding back his orgasm, but you were selfish and bucked your hips into his. You grasped his biceps with a force that would probably bruise, if you were fucking a guy who didn’t turn into a corpse in the morning.

  Of course Ahkmenrah responded to what you demanded; even as a lover, he was selfless and kind. He began to push in and pull out of you in earnest, his body now acting of its own accord. His orgasm was powerful, long, and he made the most delicious sounds as he came inside of you.

  Ahkmenrah rested his forehead against yours, issuing a string of apologies, and you laughed and said, “My god, I would’ve thought I was doing something wrong if you lasted much longer.”

  Ahkmenrah did not join in your laughter and instead slid down your body and attached his lips to your clit in such a quick movement that your laughter choked into gasp of pleasure.

  Ahkmenrah’s fingers slid into your heat, slick with his come and yours as he worked you to an intense orgasm that had you grasping the slats of the headboard and groaning his name, your thighs clenching around his face as you rode out your high.

  Your body sank into the mattress, sated, and Ahkmenrah moved up to lay beside you. The two of were in a blissful state of shock.

  Eventually, you turned your body to face him, only to find his large, swirling blue and green eyes watching you. There was no doubt that he adored you, that he wanted to spend all of eternity doing this with you, and that deeply flattered you.

  You reached out to trace the line of his jaw and his chin, your fingertips gliding over his soft lips after running down his perfectly Egyptian nose.

  “We’ve got to get back,” you sighed, daring to speak the words you both dreaded.

  “I know,” Ahkmenrah said softly. “Thank you for this. For everything. This has been the best night of my life.”

  “Your undead life or your whole life?” you asked, intending it as a joke.

  “I cannot think of a single moment from my entire life that rivals any moment I spend with you.”

  Your face fell into a serious expression before you said, “If things were different—"

  “I know. But they are as they are, and we would be fools to dwell on the ‘what ifs.’”

  You kissed him, lips against lips, hoping that he understood everything you didn’t dare to say.

  “Ugh,” you said, rolling over Ahk to get to your dresser. “Let me see if I can find you something dry.”

  You rummaged through your clothes and found a pair of NYU sweats that would fit him along with an NYU t-shirt.

  “If Larry and Rebecca catch us walking in there like this, they are going to know without a doubt what we’ve been up to.”

  Ahkmenrah smiled, a mischievous glimmer in his eyes.

  “Leave them to me.”

[atamascolily]

another JAT fic snippet

In which there's Sexual Tension and my OC is a huge shipper AND a troll. (I love her so, so much.)

For context, Mara has just landed on Yavin IV after agreeing to help out with the academy, and my OC Tor shows her around the temple complex, pointing on what she, Luke and Corran have fixed in the old Rebel base and what still needs to be repaired. Their last stop is the most interesting.

"So, what about the hot springs?" Mara asked. "I can't imagine anyone wanting to indulge in <i>this</i> climate."

Tor grinned. "Too hot and humid for you, huh?"

"It reminds me of Myrkr," she said. "I prefer more temperate planets."

"Myrkr... that's where you met Luke, right?"

Mara frowned. How much had Luke told this woman about her? "We actually first met in deep space, although he wasn't aware of it at the time. I pulled his unconscious body out of his disabled ship and onto the <i>Wild Karrde</i>. We were based out of Myrkr at the time, and Skywalker didn't wake up until after we'd landed."

"Ah," said Tor. "It sounds like an amazing place. All those metal trees! I'd love to see it some day."

Personally, Mara hadn't considered the biology of Myrkr to be particularly exceptional in any way but one: there were creatures there that hunted or hid via the Force that difficult to ignore. The Force-dampening ysalamiri were irritating enough, but the wild vornskrs were a damn nuisance and occasionally life-threatening. She could imagine how a botanist might view things differently, though.  

"Well, perhaps I'll go with you," she said, surprising herself even as she made the offer. She barely knew this woman, it wasn't like her to volunteer to spend travel with a virtual stranger--

"Thank you," Tor said simply. She looked up at the sky, then at the chronometer on her wrist. "We can go to the hot springs now if you like."

"What about Luke and Corran?"

"Oh, they're unlikely to pull themselves away from X-wing repairs for at least another hour. We'll have the whole place to ourselves."

That hadn't been what she meant, but she let Tor lead her through the maze of stone corridors out into the open, towards the ruins of yet another temple. Unlike the Great Temple, the roof had caved in long ago, leaving the remaining walls exposed to the open--and the jungle had quickly infiltrated the gaps. Now the trunks of great trees entwined the rock walls and towered out of the rooms--except for bare patches here and there where no seed had managed to take root.

"Apparently, the Massassi civilization enjoyed a good soak; we found a whole network of pipes and aqueducts when we started poking around," Tor said. "They channeled both hot water from the volcanic springs and cooler water from the river using gravity alone. Most of it was still intact--it only took a few minor repairs to get everything up and running again. We only have one pool set up right now, but I think you'll like it."

Mara opened her mouth to politely decline--there was no way she was getting in the water now, it was far too hot, and she needed to finish unloading her gear off the Headhunter and settle into her new quarters--

Tor patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, I brought a towel for you," she said, and started towards the entrance. "Well? Aren't you coming?"

--and the moment was lost. She swallowed, wondering what the hell was wrong with her nerve. "Yes," she said, and hastened to catch up.  

***

Somehow, Mara hadn't expected the communal showers. They'd left their clothes and footwear at a bench near the complex entrance, and a naked and completely unselfconscious Tor had made a beeline for the nearest faucet so she could scrub herself under a stream of water. The fixtures themselves were shiny and modern, in stark contrast to the volcanic black rock to which they were attached; clearly, they were a replacement for whatever the Massassi had used.

Tor interrupted her ablutions long enough to notice Mara's hovering. ""You've never done this before?"

Mara nodded.

"Well, it's awkward for about thirty seconds and then you get over it," Tor said. "Everybody who didn't grow up going to public baths has the exact same reaction on their first visit. You should have seen Skywalker blush--."

"You took Skywalker to a <i>public bathhouse</i>?" Mara's mind whirled at the mental image.

Was that a smirk on Tor's face? Yes, yes, it was. "He tried to play the dispassionate Jedi, but his entire face was bright red. One of the hazards of such pale skin, I guess. And how he <i>stared</i>! That's usually impolite, but in my opinion, it was only fair, because everyone else was staring right back at him."

"Why?"

Tor pursed her lips. "Have you <i>seen</i> him? He's quite an attractive man."

"I thought you said it was impolite to stare," Mara said, trying to keep her own face from reddening in embarrassment at the direction this conversation was going.

"I didn't stare, I merely <i>observed</i>," Tor said cheerfully. "Besides, he's far too young for me."

She turned away and closed her eyes, clearly enjoying the flow of water down her face and back, so Mara was spared the need for a response. She took that as a sign to venture into the room and turn another showerhead. The water was icy cold at first, and then warm, and once it reached a comfortable temperature, she stepped under the flow of water, letting it fall over her in a steady stream.

"You don't have to shower long," Tor said, her eyes still closed, as if sensing Mara's next question. "Just enough to slough off any dirt and skin flakes that would be unwanted in the communal pool. You shower when you're finished soaking, too, so don't worry about that bit either."  

It was an odd system, but it make sense in context. Mara shrugged and washed herself as best she could. She waited for Tor to finish and pad down the hall towards the communal pool before she followed.

"Careful not to slip," Tor said. "We're going to put mats down at some point, but we haven't gotten that sophisticated with so few of us here now."

 Even with Tor's warning, Mara had to concentrate not to slide on the slick dark volcanic flagstones with wet, bare feet.  She followed Tor down the hallway, past stone walls covered with life--lichens and orchids and epiphytes, bromeliads and colorful blooms.

"It's beautiful," Mara said in surprise.

"Yes, it is," Tor agreed. "Ah, here we go."

She led Mara to a series of stone steps, descending into a large, deep pool of water, clear enough that Mara could make out every detail of the black flagstones at the bottom. Steam issued from the water's surface. Every now and then a flurry of bubbles issued from the bottom, only to ripple and vanish once they reached the surface.

"If you feel something wet and squishy in the water, don't panic," Tor said as she splashed down the steps and lowered herself into the water with a sigh. "There are colonies of sulfur-eating bacteria in the spring itself, and sometimes they get sucked through the pipes and end up in here. They're completely harmless, but they can be disconcerting if you're not expecting them."

"What do they look like?" Mara said. She hovered on the lip of the pool, uncertain of whether she should gradually ease herself in or plunge in all at once.  

"White, amorphous blobs. Nothing too dramatic. Come on in!"

Mara gave up and lowered herself into the water. As Tor had promised, the warmth was pleasant and comforting, despite the tropical heat around them.

"We don't have a cold pool set up yet, so if you get overheated, you have to go back and shower with the cold water," Tor said. "If you feel dizzy or your heart starts racing, get out of the water immediately and cool off. You can come back in when you feel better."

Mara nodded. "So you and Skywalker spent a lot of time in the bathhouses on Sawara?" she asked, as casually as she dared. "He must have gotten the idea for this hot springs business from you."

"He was quite taken with them," Tor agreed. "On Sawara, people have private 'freshers in their homes, but the baths are where they go to socialize and relax. It's the one place where everyone is welcome, no matter your rank or your station. Old age, scarring, accidents, unfortunate tattoos... there's no hiding who you are in the baths. It's come as you are or don't come at all."

It sounded... oddly liberating. "And you don't stare."

"Not usually. Like I said, Skywalker was an exception. Speaking of which, I think I hear him now."

Mara turned to see a pale blur pass from the hallway behind them and into the shower room. There was a hiss as water turned on. "Skywalker? Now?"

Tor's grin kept getting wider and wider. "He usually comes to bathe after completing his work for the day. I suppose he and Corran must have finished early."

"Corran comes to the baths, too?"

"Not usually. He's... rather modest, our Corellian friend."

Well, that was a relief. Only <i>one</i> embarrassing encounter with her new colleagues at a time.

"I hope you're going to appreciate the show," Tor said gleefully. "I certainly am."

"I thought you said it was impolite to stare--"

"I'm not staring, I'm <i>appreciating</i>--"

The water ceased. Mara heard footsteps behind her, accompanied by the unmistakable sense of Luke Skywalker's presence in the Force.

"Mara! I'm so glad you’re here!" he said. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to meet you when you arrived, but I assume Tor showed you around?"

Mara turned, careful to keep her eyes on Skywalker's face rather than straying downward, and mostly succeeding. Though from Tor's palpable amusement, she wasn't hiding her discomfort as well as she wanted to. Damn her.

"Yes, she's been telling me a lot of things--like what an impression you made on the Sawarans," Mara said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, that's right," Luke said easily, sliding into the water with practiced ease and sitting back on the submerged steps, between her and Tor. He was now covered up to his chest, which helped to ease some of the awkwardness, but not as much as Mara would have preferred. "I'm several centimeters shorter than your average Sawaran, not to mention a heck of a lot paler. They couldn't take their eyes off me. I even had young children coming up to touch me to make sure I wasn't a ghost."

Tor shrugged. "Mostly, they were teasing you. It's not your fault you greatly resemble a mythic land demon, Skywalker."

They both laughed. Mara noticed the easy, unconscious rapport as a twinge of jealousy curl down her spine.

[e-namor-a]

Masked pt. V

I am so sorry it’s taken me so fucking long to update. 

I really fucking am. 

School was kicking my ass and my mini-mester was hellish. I’m hoping that now that my school schedule is going back to normal, that I can update sooner. 

Let me know if you want to be added to the Tag List, that’s still open. Lemme know if your tag doesn’t work, as I’ve currently two that don’t. And let me know what you think, pretty please, I live to hear your lovely thoughts.

This chapter is somewhat of a character development chapter. I need to flesh my story out so my arc makes sense? Does that make sense? I hope so. Anyway, this chapter also somewhat skips POV between Y/N and Tony.

CW: Emotional Shit, Death, Angst (also no Bucky but lots of Tony) 

Again I really am super fucking sorry for the delay xx

Masterlist

pt.i/pt. ii/pt. iii/pt. iv

 You held your breath waiting, staring at the lit up screen



“Y/N?”, a concerned voice came out of tiny speaker sounding tinny. “Y/N, honey, hello? Please tell me something babe, I’m panicking here.”



You stuffed your hand into your mouth to stifle the sobs that you couldn’t swallow back anymore. You wanted to tell him to help you. To tell him that you missed him and that you were sorry and that you needed help but you couldn’t get the words out. You couldn’t breathe. You were suffocating and you needed him.

 

A small sob escaped you, and you heard him inhale sharply.



“Don’t worry Y/N, I’ll be there soon. I promise. Hang on babe. I’m on my way.”



You stopped muffling your sobs. He was coming for you. 



It took longer than Tony wanted to get to your location. You were nestled in a hidden corner of the Amazon jungle, tucked away so hidden that even with the jet at full speed the journey took several hours.

The entire time your sobs echoed in his head. He had only heard you cry one other time, and as he flew he was drawn back into the memory. 

He remembered seeing you from his bench by the entrance, your twin braids that extended halfway down your back, the way you gripped your suitcase so tightly that your knuckles shone white, and the intense way your eyes looked over the school. 

He remembered the man who stood beside you in a grey suit, and the curt nod you gave him before you walked into the building, never once turning back, back ramrod straight. 

You had given the headmaster a dismissive glance and had walked up the stairs to the dormitories. He had gotten up and silently followed from a distance, strangely fascinated by you. You walked up to your dorm room door, taken a quick glance to each side before letting out a deep breath and almost deflating, your suitcase hitting the marble floor with a sharp smack. 

Tony had seen the exhaustion and the sadness in your body, in the way that you gently pressed your forehead against the door, and your shoulders drooped. He stood watching, brown eyes knowing, as your shoulders began to shake and your knees wobbled. He saw your hands go up to your mouth and he heard your muffled sobs.

He had the urge to run up the remaining stairs and hold you, just comfort you, but he knew better. Tony looked down at his shoes, fighting his instinct to comfort and instead quietly walked back down to his book, deciding in that moment that the two of you would be friends.

Tony never told you he had seen you break down, and you had never volunteered a reason, though he had tried to get the answer out of you at several times during your long friendship. You were the most stoic person he knew, never revealing deep emotion, never letting people through the barriers in your mind.

Tony thought about everything that happened in those months you were gone and though he didn’t want to admit it, your sobs had shaken him to his core. He steeled himself for what he might see as he touched down in the jungle, taking care to cloak his plane and hide his features as best he could in the hot humid climate. He strolled out, calmly, and walked up the streets to the little house he had traced your phone to. 



He knocked on the door loudly, noting that the blackout curtains were still drawn and no lights seemed to be on. The worry he had managed to quash on his way to your house started to grow again.

He knocked again, even louder than before, before tucking his hand into his pocket letting his armor coat his hand and asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. to read your house for heat signatures.  Friday whispered in his ear that she detected one in the back corner of the house and Tony knew he couldn’t wait any longer. 

He peeked over his shoulder, making sure that no one was watching, and broke the door lock quickly and quietly pushing his way into the house. He lifted his hand, the repulsor illuminating the dark. He saw a pristine living room and kitchen, nicely decorated but lifeless and untouched. Tony could tell that those rooms were just for show. He continued down a small hallway to the one closed door at the end of it.

He opened the door and faltered at the smell that hit him. He saw piles of dresses, wigs, and shoes spilling out of the closet. The bed was bare except for one pillow, one torn stained sheet and a hunting knife he recognized was Barnes’. There were bottles of liquor, the rough biting moonshine kind, all over the place. Broken glass, torn paper, and plastic bags littering the room. He continued towards the back of the room, seeing the light coming out from the bottom of, what he assumed was, the bathroom door. 



He pushed the door open and he almost choked on the thick steam hitting him in the face. He looked around and saw the grimy white bathroom with a broken mirror, and at the back, the only contrast in the room, in the bathtub with water pouring on you. 

Your hair was plastered to your face, and you were sitting down with your knees tucked under your chin wearing an oversized black long-sleeve and shorts. Tony rushed towards you, hands extended, ready to pull you out before cringing back in pain. The water was scalding hot but you were sitting in it without flinching. He turned off the shower and gently reached in and scooped you out. You didn’t even react, and Tony could feel his panic rising even more than before.

He went and sat you down in your pristine living room, pacing in front of you unsure of what to do. F.R.I.D.A.Y. as though sensing his disquietness, offered suggestions ranging from calling Dr. Banner, to singing, to trying to use pressure to get you to snap out of your catatonia. 



Tony faltered, remembering that young girl from all those years ago, before kneeling down and, pressing his hands on your thighs trying to get a reaction. He let out a sigh and delicately, reached up to grab your face and try to get you to focus on his. Grabbing your face must’ve jolted something in you because almost instantly Tony found himself face first on the floor, arm painfully pinned, snarling accented Russian insults being hurled at him. 



“Y/N? Honey? Please? Let go of me. You’re hurting me babe. Please let go”, Tony plead.

 

He tried flexing his hand, trying to catch your attention and desperately starts singing a lullaby he had heard you sing before. Much to his surprise, his arm was loosened. He turned around and saw you kneeling on the floor, hands curled into claws and face frozen unseeing. His heart ached when he saw the pain etched in your wide unblinking eyes, now streaming tears. 

Hesitatingly, he reached out and pulled your body towards him. He hugged you tightly, tucking your head under his chin, and settled you in his lap as he softly rubbed your back and crooned your lullaby. 


It had been several hours since Tony had sung that lullaby to you. You were still curled in his lap, the tears had finally run out. He had stopped singing, and rocking and was now merely stroking your hair. Tired as you were, you could feel the fear and tension in his body and you knew you owed him an explanation. He had flown hundreds of miles and saved you as best as he could.

Yes, you owed him an explanation. 



But you couldn’t bring yourself to move. To speak. To do anything but let the vast ocean of loneliness and pain drown you. It kept dragging you down and frankly and you didn’t want to resurface. You could feel yourself nodding off, blackness closing in on you when you heard Tony speak. 



“You know, I saw you arrive, that first day at boarding school. You carried yourself like a proud queen, regal and proud. I saw you.” 



Tony shifted underneath you, turning your body towards his. He put his hand under your chin to try to lift it up, and succeed despite your stubborn attempt to keep it down. 



“You were beautiful and you intrigued me. I followed you that day. I was going to be smooth and charming and try to sweep you off your feet. I followed you up the stairs towards your dorm room and I saw. I saw you.” 



The embarrassment that went through was swift and harsh, you flinched as your pale sallow cheeks flushed. You hadn’t known that anyone had seen you. No one had ever seen you cry and the fact that Tony had seen you twice, made you feel even more embarrassment. 

You knew Tony felt you flinch when he wrapped his arms tighter around you. He didn’t stop talking, even though you desperately wished he would. 


“I saw you break down”, he repeated, “And I’ve never brought it up till now. Because now, now I’m more worried than I’ve ever been. More worried than I was that day. I’m fucking scared Y/N. I want to help you, I love you. You’re my sister and I can’t help because I don’t know what’s going on. So talk to me Y/N. Please. Please don’t run from me, babe. Just let me in Y/N, please.” 



Tony’s voice was quivering and his eyes shone with tears but still, you couldn’t get the words out of your mouth. They were ringing in your ears, they never stopped but you couldn’t get them out. You needed help.

Instead of answering him, you looked away and stood up. Wobbling, legs unsteady, you walked to your room going to pick up one of the liquor bottles lying around. You put it to your lips and drunk deeply, knowing it was finally time to let someone in. 



You walked back to your living room and sat cross-legged across from Tony.

 

You took a deep breath and whisperingly said, “Ok. I'll tell you.”

You swung a bit more alcohol and looked deep into Tony’s eyes. You could feel fear rising in you but fuck, you had to say it or it would kill you. Everything would change the second you told him. You knew it. No one wanted someone as dark and twisty as you. Still small irrational stupid part held out hope that he wouldn’t see you differently. That he wouldn’t treat you differently. He didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t know what had happened to you, what you had had to endure. What you had had to survive. 



Maybe he would be different. Maybe he would stick by you and make sure that you were ok despite the horrors that littered your past.

God the fear and panic were coating you, you were so fucking scared but fuckfuckfuck, you had to do it. You had to. 

So you took a deep breath and let it out. 


“On the morning of my fifteenth birthday, I killed my sister. I picked up a gun and shot her between the eyes in the middle of the living room. I picked her body up and buried it next to the open hole that would be my mothers grave in the rose garden at my family’s compound.”

You thought you were going to keel over from the pain, and the relief you felt. You wanted to cry and scream but one look up at Tony’s face kept you from reacting. Your old training kicked in and you pulled yourself back because on Tony’s face was a fear, mixed with disgust and pity. He was looking at you, just how you had hoped he wouldn’t. You had lost the last person in the world who loved you.

You smiled grimly and lifted the bottle to your lips again. You were a stupid foolish woman. What did you think would happen? You deserved nothing less.

You could see Tony’s mind going a billion miles an hour. Probably questioning every moment of friendship with you. You had killed your sister, clearly, you were unstable. A dark and twisty monstrosity. Why had you hoped Tony would be different? Fucking foolish. 



Your face betrayed none of your internal turmoil, you just sat there staring back at him evenly, while he gaped at you.

 

Finally, he let out a horrified, “You did what?”


His question cut you. Your last bit of hope died. You just wanted someone to fucking ask you if you were ok. You wanted to let it all out, to comfort. Goddammit, you should’ve known better than to trust him. You were too fucking much. Too much.

He was just like- 


You stopped before your mind conjured his name up or worse, his image. Neither man was ever truly going to be there for you, you should’ve known better.

Your father was right.You could hear his voice in your head now, ‘To trust is to lose. To love is to lose. And losing is unacceptable.’



You hadn’t wanted to admit it, you thought you could have a different life. You thought you could’ve had something more than what you were given at birth. Clearly not. You were done trying to fight it. The world had predetermined that you were to be cold, brutal and unfeeling. 

Why fight it?



“I killed my sister. Shot her right between the eyes.” You smirked, cold and cruel, “Like I was trained to. ”

You finished the remaining alcohol and stood up.

“Now get out. I don’t need you, or your pity or your friendship. Trusting you was a mistake, and it’ll never happen again. I’m going to pack and when I’m done, I expect you to be gone.” 



You turned and walked back to your dark room, closing the door. You stood in your bedroom for a moment letting rage and pain roil inside you, begging for an outlet. But you knew better now, you controlled your emotion, not the other way around.



Centered, you began moving around the room, grabbing what you needed.

Tony still sat in a dazed shock. You had murdered your sister? Had he heard you right? He wanted to ask you to repeat yourself but he knew that he had heard correctly, it wasn’t a misunderstanding. His Y/N, his little sister, had killed her sister.

His mind couldn’t move beyond that, even as he saw you slide your mask into place, even as he saw you drink deeply.

The only thing his mind could come up with to ask was a strangled, “You did what?”

It was a stupid thing to ask, he knew it as soon as the words left his lips but he couldn’t help it. He had to know what happened because his mind couldn’t understand what you had told him. 
As soon as he heard your answer he knew that if he didn’t act quickly, you were going to pull away from him. He wasn’t going to let that happen.

 

He watched you finish the alcohol and he saw the cold fury in your eyes, and the cold cruelty, as you smirked told him you wanted him gone. Once you turned to walk away, he shuddered. He couldn’t recognize you anymore. You were transforming into someone else. 



His mind went into overdrive, he was losing you and there was no way he was letting that happen. He ran to your room, breaking down your door.

 

“No Y/N.”  

You were standing by the empty bed, still as a statue with some scraps of fabric in your hands. He walked slowly to you, voice firm.

“You’re not leaving. We’re family. You’re all I have left. I’m not letting you leave. You can push everyone else out but not me. I will not abandon you.”



He saw you flinch at his final declaration. If he hadn’t been looking, he would’ve missed it. It was almost imperceptible, and in that moment he knew what he had to say. He realized what you needed to hear. 

How could he have been so slow in realizing it?

 

He reached out and grabbed you, turning you towards him. 

“I will not walk out on you. I will not leave you. I am your brother and I will never, as long as I live, abandon you. I care about your past because I can see how it is killing you. But no matter what you tell me, I won’t walk out.”

You could feel yourself reaching your breaking point. God fucking dammit. Why couldn’t he leave you be? You wanted to cry. Tony had just said what you wanted to hear all your life. What you had wanted to hear since you were a child. But now you didn’t know if it was worth it. Could you trust him?



Again you heard your fathers voice in your head, ‘To trust is to lose. To love is to lose. And losing is unacceptable.’

You stood, still as a statue throughout Tony’s declaration. You so desperately wanted to give in but you didn’t know if you could trust him. No one stayed for you. No one. Not your mother and not your sister. Could you trust him with your past and be assured that he would be there by the end of it.


Tony was holding you, and it felt so good to be cared for. You were going to break. You knew it. You couldn’t hold it in. 



Again, your father's sneering voice entered your head, ‘You are pathetic. I trained you better. You are cold. You are unfeeling. You are unbreakable. This is a failure. This is unacceptable.’

Tony was shaking you, trying to bring you out of your head. 

“Y/N, babe, trust me. Please. I’m here through it all, I swear on my life. Please Just let me in. Please, I’m begging you. Let me in.”

And suddenly you really couldn’t hold it back anymore. And with a great gasp, your mask finally broke.

You collapsed into his arms letting out a heartbroken wail, you sobbed, “I killed her. I killed her. Oh, God. Please make the pain stop. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Tony help me. He told me to and I killed her. Why God? Why? Help me. Please help me.”

__________________________________________________________

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[kritharaki]

Rating plants ive personally owned/ own on a scale of 1- 10, 1 being sucks i hate it and it also died for no reason and 10 being i love it and it is flourishing with my at times shitty care

1. Dracaena fragrans nr1

The one that looks a bit like a bamboo palm tree. Solid 7/10 i think she is pretty and you usually can tell exactly when she needs water because her leaves curl. However has had little to no growth since i got it and i cant figure out why, -3 for that

2. Dracaena fragrans nr2

The one that looks like a palm without a stump. 10/10 ive been trying to kill it for over a year and it refuses to die. That could be spite. But she is very recomendable i think... top five things she survived so far being 1.overwaterd cause if i have water leftover she gets it 2 sunburned. I forgot her outside after repotting. 3 being dropped. Standing in the darkest corner of my room 4. Being dropped. Again. 5. Forgot to water it for like two weeks cause ive moved it to another room . I would give it a -5 for personality because im mad at her but that is personal between me and her.

3. Succulents

All of them. No matter if purple or greenish. 2/10 some people love them, i hate them. idk what im doing wrong but so far ive had five? And only one of them still is alive. Either they rot or dry out. Idk who recommends them to beginners i hate them.

4. Cacti

Nice. 9/10 i dont like them because they are spiky and im an idiot, but they really are not easy to kill. One time i overwatered one and it got mushy, but since it still is alive over two years later i guess it doesnt count. They really are a great starter plant i think because they survive on very little care, and if you grow out of being a beginner you can get to the more challenging ways of caring for catci (that still are quite simple i think)

5. Monstera deliciosa

9/10, i think they can be quite tricky but only if you dont believe in yourself. They also are easy to propagate which always is a huge plus. U get more plants out of one. Its genius i love it. I got mine at ikea and on god it has doubled in size in like a year???? They should get extra points for looks because they are really nice and green

6. A yucca palm

9½/10 Idk..... ive had to repot it once but idk if it has even grown since i got it. Its a very nice and easy planta nd it looks good but doenat have much action to talk about. I wouldnt know how to kill it either so id consider it a nice starter. The very bottom leaves get yellow and krispy but that apparently is normal so no need to worry, thats just how it grows.

7. Gummy tree

6/10 i worry about it all the time even though it doesnt do anything that should worry me. But it has very few leaves so it cant loos that many which gives it a feel of walking on thin ice. Stressful. Very pretty tho should get extra points. Also remind me to ask my grandma for tips because hers is literally 60 years old.......... so maybe its like the monstera you just gotta believe in yourself

8. Orchids

I have got two, a purple ikea one and a papophilium or some shit. 4/10 They are really pretty especially the pap,,, paep,,,, the expenisive-ish one❤ but i hate them. What do they want. No that isnt true the ikea one... well ive accidentally overwatered it right after buying it because i didnt realize the pot it came w had no drainage which then lead to me removing both soil and half the now moldy roots. And orchids dont need soil so id just put it in a cup of water every once in a while...... that is really easy to forget tho and now shes dry and shrively :( the expensive one i accidentally let it stand in a saucer of water and now theres mushrooms in the soil thingy which is bad i think. Gets extra points for also surviving being dropped twice

9. Spider plants

My beloved. 10/10

I got one from ikea but then decided the single plants in the pot were to overcrowded so i took them out and seperated it into three. I probably ripped half the roots but they survived and now are flourishing. One of them has an offshoot going on rn, which leads me to the other two i have, my mom got me them as cuttings from her office plant and i left them in just water for at least third a year oops. They started getting a lil moldy so i planted them and now they are going strong again. Love. They also are really easy to propagate because offsphoots are everything but rare in an older(ish) plant, and also really easy to grow from there. Another one id consider a good beginner plant because all they want is water and a place on the windowsill. The latter is optional too but they do get nicer there i think. Ig they also wouldnt say no to the occasional fertilizer but again they do not need it i think.

10. Pileas

7/10, almost killed my big one by putting it into a too big pot AND shady place at all the same time. In the midst of winter. Cant recommend it. Have now put it back into a smaller pot and shes flourishing again. The small one i have i cant say much about. She does her job and is very smol. Also worth mentioning is you dont have to water pilea babies more than big ones it makes them mold <\3. I think its an easy plant if you dont fuck around to much. Propagating them can b really easy too because the offshoots just. Grow there. And u ideally have to cut them and put them in water. The last time i tried this was winter. Bad idea doesnt work. Trying it again rn ig ill update this section accordingly.

11. Clusia rosea

6/10 ive too put her into a too big pot cause i dont have an intermediate one so she looks stupid now. Has grown a lil since i got it 2 years ago, but thats fair cause i dont really care for her that greatly. Mediocre to me idk

12. Peperomia polybotrya

0/10 so far its getting yellow and i cant figure out why. Need to google how to care for them.

13. Venus fly trap

7/10 Doesnt work anymore idk why :((..... a bit sad but ive moved her to the bathroom that usually helps. They really are a cool gimick and theoretically very easy to take care of, you literally just gotta make sure its in water amd standing in a sunny place at all times. I think mine might be lacking fertilizer or maybe just humidity. We will see, ill update this section too

14. Nepenthes

9/10, mine had a rough start cause i interpreted 'keep in humid place ' as 'spray with water every day' so i overwaterd her. She lost all her pitchers but i now know they just do that in winter. Unless u have a growlight. She has been moved to the windowsill in the bathroom now and is flourishing there :))

15. 3 bonus tips

1) dont propagate plants in winter unless you have grow lights or want them to die. Or live somewhere really warm maybe

2) cheap plants r not inherently worse than expensive plants (now i dont own any expensive plants but since my cheapish once work fine........yk) but especially plants from like. Chain stores like ikea often need to be repotted shortly after buying..... ive heard its a marketing thing cause if you dont do it they just get yellow and ugly and youll have to buy a new one yk. But repotting them is manageable i think so its fine you just gotta know it ig.

3) if somethings going wrong for no reason and you have a window in your bathroom put the plant there it usually helps a lil. And if it doesnt well than at least the plant dies in a peaceful place...... jk theres probably several great checklist online tho that might help you find the cause of it so dont despair <33

[luvdsc]

ohh, sorry for the late reply, but ive been super busy studying and everything bc i had exams coming up :( anyway, im pretty much finished with school work for now!! YES! exchange students are just so mysterious and cool somehow because theyre only there for a couple months adfasd and ugh fratboys must suck :( they always seem so obnoxious in films afadf and, yeah, hs boys really arent that cute 🤧 your school just made an exception for those french boys huh?? i can only imagine how (1/4)

cute they had to be,, and, oh, yeah, i never even thought about how different it must be to go to a all girls hs! i really enjoy STEM subjects (is subjects the right word?) and im usually one of the few girls sitting in class and it really sucks :( and, oh, it was sooo nice to see my friends again!! it was weird not to hug them and everything, but it was nice to actually see them in person! and we all have to keep a safe distance, but at times its just impossible because theres isnt enough (2/4)

and too many people,, some also just dont really follow the rules which makes it even harder. but usually its not too bad because the classes are stretched out and only a couple classes go,, some dont have to attend at all,, and how was your friends' bday?? i hope you could still enjoy it somewhat? and, yeah, our school uses a really weird and unknown webcam platform for some reason?? its nice to hear it isnt humid bc the humidity is just the worst during the summer 🤧 and, yeah, we have(3/4)

snow but really little and only for a couple days,, but sometimes it snows really heavily and everything is white and sooo beautiful!! ✨ and, i watched their ps video!! i was really impressed by how creative they all were! and, im trying to make cinnamon rolls again! i absolutely love baguettes! how did they turn out? yeah more the better but they just grow HUGE and kinda ugly? ill look into that recipe! hope you got more sleep this week! did your prof accept your paintings? how are you? (4/4)

✿ ✿ ✿

omg no worries, i hope your exams went well!! 💓 and congrats on being done!!! the fact that they’re exchange students somehow makes them like 30% hotter??? ah yeah, a lot of my friends are in frats and they do have a few of those stereotypical traits associated with fratboys, but they’re very nice! of course, there are still those assholes here and there tho /: loool yeah, like those french boys had a cute accent, spoke french, and dressed well??? like wow their fashion was impeccable, unlike american boys ):

omg stem is great!!! (and yes, subjects is the right word!) yeah, unfortunately, there aren’t that many girls in stem ): i don’t think i really noticed that as much since all my classes were all girls, but 95% of my hs friends all went into engineering and other stem majors! do you want to go into stem? omg that’s great!!! it must’ve been wonderful to see other people :’) ah yeah, that makes sense. do you have to wear masks to school? do you have to come to school for all your classes specifically? or do you still have a few that you can take from home? 

my friend’s bday went well!! we played a bunch of games, like code names and cards against humanity :’) and then we had a mini party on her animal crossing island LOL ugh well, i hope your webcam platform is much better than zoom! my group mates and i spent like an hour trying to get it to work after the mandatory school update to it /: it doesn’t work for any of us now rip. omg does it get humid there for you? i’m so happy it doesn’t get humid here, like god bless the weather.

oooo that’s so nice!! i’m so jealous :o i wish it snowed where i live ): it must be absolutely gorgeous to wake up and see snowflakes right outside your window. LOL omg yeah, their photoshop skills are so good!! i need to brush up my skills lmao did you watch the one that’s like chopped where they’re given random ingredients to make a meal with? oooo tell me how it goes when you bake cinnamon rolls! 💓 and they actually came out really well!!! i’m pleasantly surprised, and i think i’ll be making more this week :’) asdflkjhasldjf hmm have you tried making mini cinnamon rolls before? i made those with my roommates before, so we wouldn’t feel bad about eating a gigantic one 😅 yeah, i definitely caught up on sleep over the weekend! and yes, he did!!! he really liked my painting a lot! i’ll be making two similar ones for my final 💘 and i’m doing well! i just have two more weeks of school until i’m officially done with school and graduating :’) i’ll be starting work mid august though rip. how have you been? what have you been up to, honey bee? 💞

[yourcycleyourfood]

What you need to know about blood clots + family history going on the pill #followerstory

Alrighty so this all happened during 2015, before my senior year of high school. 

My period was EXTREMELY irregular, as in 3 months no flow, then a whole month of non-stop visit. 

A rather simple solution was to get onto birth control pills because of the side effect of regularity. 

My mom had no problems with it so I was in the clear. 

I get on the pill and have a great time. Regular cycle, weight loss, clearer skin, just felt happy and healthy. 

Fast forward about 6 months. 

I’m outside cleaning my rabbit cages and get out of breath frequently and have to go inside to the air conditioner like every 5 minutes. 

A 20 minute job turned into an hour and a half. (Mind you, I live in Texas and heat + humidity is no joke). 

Don’t think much of it, probably just an off day. 

A week later we go on a 2 week trip to the beach that had been planned for a while.

Everything is fine and dandy until I start having bad symptoms. 

Out of breathe, can’t take deep breathes without pain, pain in back and butt/thigh area, almost passing out from lack of oxygen, sleeping/laying down a lot, heart rate 160 while resting, blood pressure at 200/140, etc. 

Can’t even walk up 10 tiny steps without almost blacking out. 

At this point some of you may already know what’s going on, I did not. 

I was terrified. 

Anyway, I get through the trip without passing out or anything. 

The symptoms have faded and im not to worried about it anymore. 

Fast forward a week. 

We are watching the new King Tut series starring Avan Jogia when I start feeling a pain that felt like my sciatic nerve.

Over an hour I can FEEL the pain growing and elongating down my butt and up. 

We have a long running history in our family of such problems so we gloss over it and I get some pain pills we have lying around. 

Over the next few days the pain actively gets worse and worse. 

It’s to the point where I don’t even want to walk. 

Finally I decide it’s time to go to the doctor and see what the hell is going on with my nerve; at this point it should have subsided. 

The next day My mom and I walk into the clinic. 

Actually, it’s more like she walked and I hobbled while leaning on her. 

I couldn’t walk whatsoever. I was wearing short shorts and a t shirt, but I was sweating profusely. My shirt and hair were soaked with sweat. 

By the time they take my vitals I am pretty much bawling at the pain. 

We sit in the room waiting for the Dr when I feel the sensation of my leg going cold. I look down, and lo and behold, My leg is purple. 

I stand up and sit down trying to see what happens. 

When I’m up, color returns, when I sit, purple. 

The Dr walks in and IMMEDIATELY knows somethings up. 

I show her my leg, tell her all the symptoms I’ve had over the past month or two. 

She asks me to sit on the table so she can check out my leg. 

They both had to support me over to it. 

As soon as I finally get up, I feel like things are getting milky in my head. 

Tunnel vision/red and black dots, cotton in my ears, and I feel my equilibrium thrown off. 

As im falling to the side, I say “Im going to faint”. 

Things get hazy after that but the Dr lays me down and I come back to my senses slightly. 

She calls the hospital and talks to a specialist. The other Dr says I need to get to the hospital ER immediately. 

Everyone at this point knows what’s going on accept for me. 

My mom calls a family friend and we get driven to the ER. 

We are met at the door and get vitals rechecked, everything. 

Also I should mention that my heart rate was ridiculously high as well as my blood pressure. 

We wait until the Dr comes in and let’s us know what will be happening.

I have to get an ultrasound of my leg. 

If you’ve never had an ultrasound, they put a lot of pressure on wherever they are checking to see what’s going on. 

It was excruciating how hard she would press on my leg, and when I would think she was done, she wasn’t. 

Finally I’m let out and we are waiting for results. 

I get IVs in my arm for fluids and what not since they figured I would have a longer stay. 

In the end, it turns out that I had a 15 inch long blood clot in my abdominal and femoral artery. A DVT. 

They rush me to get checked in and to see specialists and bla bla…this is ridiculously long already so I’m gonna condense the rest. 

I am placed into the ICU and am pumped full of blood thinners, such as TPA and heparin. 

At the same time. They get me onto the table and go into my leg to scrape out the blood clot as much as possible. 

They take me out and within a time frame of 4 hours after the “surgery” I had no thinners in my system. 

No-one believed me when I told them I was still in pain until I told my mom that I would rather be dead. 

Finally they did another ultrasound, and lucky me, I had a NEW clot. 18 inches long this time. 

The Drs were baffled. 

My family was in tears. 

I was crying. 

They stuck me back in that table and went back to work. 

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. 

I had CT scans, ultrasounds, xrays, needles upon needles upon needles stuck into me. 

I had a quarter size clot in my lung, as well as some others. 

To get to the lung, the clot had to pass through my heart. 

I was black and purple and blue up and down my arms. 

I lost 20 lbs while laying down basically 24/7 cuz I was not eating. 

I saw people come and go, was passed nurse to nurse and had 10 doctors checking on me. 

Later on I found out that my dad’s side of the family have a blood clotting factor called Prothrombin Factor 2, which was a large contributing factor that mixed with the pills to cause the clot. 

People in the rooms beside me were dying. I was sure I would be the next. 

But thanks to my being young, and the doctors and nurses and their medicines, I was able to go to My first day of senior year, while still learning how to walk and have mobility in my leg again. T

he fact that I am alive and without any problems other than feeling when the weather or pressure change is incredible. 

Honestly, it is a miracle. I could go on and on with this story but then it would be redundant and ridiculously long. 

But, The one good thing that came out of it is my period is now regular 😌.

TL;DR: Went on birth control, lots of symptoms, had 15 inch blood clot, later reclotted to 18 inches, hospital 2 weeks, nearly died pretty much every day for a month and a half. Turns out I had Prothrombin Factor 2

Moral of the story: ALWAYS know your family history before going on any type of medicine, especially the pill. ALWAYS.

by @germex

want to eat in tune with your menstrual cycle? follow yourcycleyourfood

[princezukoxmasterkatara]

How Death Frenchkissed Me

Trigger Warning: blood, needles, near death expierience, fainting Alrighty so this all happened during 2015, before my senior year of high school. My period was EXTREMELY irregular, as in 3 months no flow, then a whole month of non-stop visit. A rather simple solution was to get onto birth control pills because of the side effect of regularity. My mom had no problems with it so I was in the clear. I get on the pill and have a great time. Regular cycle, weight loss, clearer skin, just felt happy and healthy. Fast forward about 6 months. Im outside cleaning my rabbit cages and get out of breath frequently and have to go inside to the air conditioner like every 5 minutes. A 20 minute job turned into an hour and a half. (Mind you, I live in Texas and heat + humidity is no joke). Don't think much of it, probably just an off day. A week later we go on a 2 week trip to the beach that had been planned for a while. Everything is fine and dandy until I start having bad symptoms. Out of breathe, can't take deep breathes without pain, pain in back and butt/thigh area, almost passing out from lack of oxygen, sleeping/laying down a lot, heart rate 160 while resting, blood pressure at 200/140, etc. Can't even walk up 10 tiny steps without almost blacking out. At this point some of you may already know what's going on, I did not. I was terrified. Anyway, I get through the trip without passing out or anything. The symptoms have faded and im not to worried about it anymore. Fast forward a week. We are watching the new King Tut series starring Avan Jogia when I start feeling a pain that felt like my sciatic nerve. Over an hour I can FEEL the pain growing and elongating down my butt and up. We have a long running history in our family of such problems so we gloss over it and I get some pain pills we have lying around. Over the next few days the pain actively gets worse and worse. It's to the point where I don't even want to walk. Finally I decide it's time to go to the doctor and see what the hell is going on with my nerve; at this point it should have subsided. The next day My mom and I walk into the clinic. Actually, it's more like she walked and I hobbled while leaning on her. I couldnt walk whatsoever. I was wearing short shorts and a t shirt, but I was sweating profusely. My shirt and hair were soaked with sweat. By the time they take my vitals I am pretty much bawling at the pain. We sit in the room waiting for the Dr when I feel the sensation of my leg going cold. I look down, and lo and behold, My leg is purple. I stand up and sit down trying to see what happens. When I'm up, color returns, when I sit, purple. The Dr walks in and IMMEDIATELY knows somethings up. I show her my leg, tell her all the symptoms I've had over the past month or two. She asks me to sit on the table so she can check out my leg. They both had to support me over to it. As soon as I finally get up, I feel like things are getting milky in my head. Tunnel vision/red and black dots, cotton in my ears, and I feel my equilibrium thrown off. As im falling to the side, I say "Im going to faint". Things get hazy after that but the Dr lays me down and I come back to my senses slightly. She calls the hospital and talks to a specialist. The other Dr says I need to get to the hospital ER immediately. Everyone at this point knows what's going on accept for me. My mom calls a family friend and we get driven to the ER. We are met at the door and get vitals rechecked, everything. Also I should mention that my heart rate was ridiculously high as well as my blood pressure. We wait until the Dr comes in and let's us know what will be happening. I have to get an ultrasound of my leg. If youve never had an ultrasound, they put a lot of pressure on wherever they are checking to see what's going on. It was excruciating how hard she would press on my leg, and when I would think she was done, she wasnt. Finally I'm let out and we are waiting for results. I get IVs in my arm for fluids and what not since they figured I would have a longer stay. In the end, it turns out that I had a 15 inch long blood clot in my abdominal and femoral artery. A DVT. They rush me to get checked in and to see specialists and bla bla...this is ridiculously long already so I'm gonna condense the rest. I am placed into the ICU and am pumped full of blood thinners, such as TPA and heparin. At the same time. They get me onto the table and go into my leg to scrape out the blood clot as much as possible. They take me out and within a time frame of 4 hours after the "surgery" I had no thinners in my system. No-one believed me when I told them I was still in pain until I told my mom that I would rather be dead. Finally they did another ultrasound, and lucky me, I had a NEW clot. 18 inches long this time. The Drs were baffled. My family was in tears. I was crying. They stuck me back in that table and went back to work. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I had CT scans, ultrasounds, xrays, needles upon needles upon needles stuck into me. I had a quarter size clot in my lung, as well as some others. To get to the lung, the clot had to pass through my heart. I was black and purple and blue up and down my arms. I lost 20 lbs while laying down basically 24/7 cuz I was not eating. I saw people come and go, was passed nurse to nurse and had 10 doctors checking on me. Later on I found out that my dad's side of the family have a blood clotting factor called Prothrombin Factor 2, which was a large contributing factor that mixed with the pills to cause the clot. People in the rooms beside me were dying. I was sure I would be the next. But thanks to my being young, and the doctors and nurses and their medicines, I was able to go to My first day of senior year, while till learning how to walk and have mobility in my leg again. The fact that I am alive and without any problems other than feeling when the weather or pressure change is incredible. Honestly, it is a miracle. I could go on and on with this story but then it would be redundant and ridiculously long. But, The one good thing that came out of it is my period is now regular 😌.

[whimsyandwhile]

Birth Story - Silas Crawford

In light of Silas’s upcoming second birthday on Saturday, I’m going to throw it back this Thursday to his birth story. I never wrote one because the whole experience was pretty traumatic for me. I’d like to share it now as I feel all the feels that is being a parent and watching your babies grow into little humans with their own personalities and opinions, even if they’re not always in line with your own. After, I’d like to encourage your comments and thoughts on birth trauma since it’s so rarely talked about and it needs to be!

July 22, 2015

I was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Silas and it was our last scheduled OB appointment. At the time, we were living in a sleepy little town just northeast of Atlanta and finding a midwife was just about an impossibility, a home birth even more so, and a good doula very hard to come by. But, despite a pregnancy with many letdowns, we’d made it this far! We walked into that last appointment somewhat intuitively aware that this would be the last.

The week prior, I received a call from the receptionist at my OBs appointment confirming my induction for July 19th. WHAT?! This was the first I’d heard any talk about induction. I was infuriated fuming mad, as much as third trimester hormonal pregnant mama could be, especially considering that the 19th would have been around 38 weeks gestation. I had by almost all means an unremarkable pregnancy. All ultrasounds and growth were healthy and spot on, heart beat always right on up until that point, I was 29, and there was really no medical necessity for induction whatsoever. Of course I was in hysterics on the phone with the receptionist and I asked that the OB call me back immediately. The OB actually called me back within a reasonable time frame but honestly, I don’t think anything she told me could have made the situation any better. What came out of her mouth were a series of backpedals and apologies. She explained that this (the call) was never supposed to happen and that once a month the staff gets together to discuss who might be “good candidates” for induction and that my name came up because of how uncomfortable I was. That was the bones of the explanation. What I took from this was, “we have monthly staff meetings to schedule everyone’s births out if possible.” Hell, of course I was uncomfortable. I am 5’2”, a petite tiny thing that gained 45 pounds during my pregnancy. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep, had a very hard time walking with my cankles from the southern summer humidity. Have you ever heard the ‘barefoot and pregnant’ idiom? I suppose it can have several meanings but to me it was this. Being pregnant in the south, in the summer, with ankles no more and swollen feet! Of course I was uncomfortable, but weren’t so many other pregnant mamas? All of this was like clips from movies like The Business of Being Born coming to life right in front of me but somehow I was still in shock.

Anyway, back to July 22nd, my last OB appointment. We went in but left our hospital bags at home because even though we somehow intuitively knew it would be the last OB appointment, I think we tried to hold on to some sort of control.

The first thing they did was hook me up to the NST (nonstress test) but I was glad for this because something just didn’t feel right with Silas. He was moving differently and I was concerned. Rightly so, Silas was responding very poorly to the test and I was watching his heart rate plummet then slowly start to climb back up, but not where it should be. I was freaked out and crying, wondering why the nurse was still in there rather than the doctor. The doctor finally came in and looked at the strip, then looked back up at me and said “well, Miss Ashley, I don’t see any reason to continue your pregnancy at this point. I’d like to send you to L&D for induction.” Again, and in panic, I couldn’t understand this assessment. Everything I’d read and heard about induction said that Pitocin could cause fetal stress or make contractions more extreme than with a natural birth so it didn’t seem logical to me that this would even be considered being that Silas was in distress. In an instant, and still to my shock, I said “no.” “Please give me a quick rundown of a C-Section, I don’t believe induction is the best course of action here.”

She gave me a quick rundown and asked if I’d eaten anything that day. I told her that the only thing I could stomach that day was half a granola bar (it was a little after noon at this point.) She informed us that our hospital L&D and a strict no food for 8 hours policy so that I’d have to go straight there and wait until about 11pm to have the C-Section. Again, I’m not a doctor but this seemed ludicrous to me. She said we had time to go home to get our bags but to go straight to L&D right after that and that her staff would be calling the hospital to let them know we were on our way.

We scrambled home in a daze and panic, and also excitement, trying to make the calls we needed to make to let people know that we were on our way to L&D to have a C-Section and to meet our son. It was baby time! Despite the panic and freak out over the NST, I was so very excited to know that I’d be holding our son at some point that day.

When we finally got to the hospital, we expected them to be prepped for us, but they were not. I wasn’t surprised but I was still mad because this was par for the course my entire pregnancy. Nobody doing what they said they were going to do and a lot of deception also. So, we waited while they prepped for us.

We finally got back to our room where I sat in my robe in the bed and they hooked me up to all the monitoring devices. We were going through a series of intake questions (which I’d previously answered and they should have had in their system from an earlier false alarm trip to L&D.) Anyway, during intake, the questions started getting asked and entered faster and faster, culminating to a panicked “wait, what’s happening?” question uttered out of my mouth as people swarmed around me and they placed an oxygen mask over my face and started to shave me. NOBODY ANSWERED ME! I looked at my husband with total fear in my eyes and heart and mouthed for him to help me. I could see that he was stunned also. He finally spoke up to be my advocate and asked what was going on. One of the nurses then rudely said “don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” We were pretty much shattered at this point but we knew we had to persevere. They flipped me on my side and were able to get Silas’s heart rate back to normal. Then we waited out the 8 hours trying to think of anything to pass the time. We had no music with us, nothing really but ourselves. My in-laws showed up at some point before it was time for the procedure and I was so thankful for their presence. I was mortified and it was a nice distraction.

By about 10pm, my doctor arrived in my hospital room to check in with me and to let me know we were going to start getting ready. Elliott had to leave as I received my spinal block and returned in his astronaut suit ready to have baby. I was wheeled to the OR where they hoisted me up on the surgical table and shined the brightest lights I could have ever imagined on me. It felt like a scene from the X-Files. It was strange. I was shaking so much from the drugs I could barely speak without my teeth chattering but I think I was trying to talk to Elliott. Things were kind of hazy at this point but I remembered him coming by my side and taking my hand as everyone in the OR were talking about their lunch and golf, and things totally inappropriate for OUR BIRTH! It was just another “day in the office” to them, but to us it was our birth. This was supposed to be our time, not theirs. Anyway, Elliott stood by me, holding my hand and running his fingers through my hair. At the point where they told me I would start to feel strong tugging sensations, he could sense my fear and I asked him to sing with me. We sang together, we looked at each other, into each other’s souls, and I was lost within him and I was finally at peace. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I’m tearing up now as I recount these memories so vividly. At some point shortly thereafter, it was known that Silas had been born, yes born (I used to think of it as more of an extraction but he was still born.) He was born but nobody said anything really and I didn’t hear him cry. I kept asking if he was ok over and over. Finally I heard him cry and it was the single most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my lifetime. They hurried to clean off his vernix which I wasn’t thrilled about and to do all the tests while they were stitching me up. His APGAR was a 9 they hollered from behind a curtain and somehow I felt validated that I did a good job. But still, I needed my son. I needed to see him, hold him, what on EARTH could you possibly be waiting for? Finally I yelled through chattered teeth that I’d like to hold my son. Finally I got to lay eyes on the little boy I’d been waiting to meet my whole life. It was magical. I loved him before he was born but I loved him even more now, instantly. I wish I could say my birth story ended here all happy and fine. But it doesn’t.

After being told by my OB team earlier on in my pregnancy that they didn’t really care much for birth plans, the ONE thing I maintained I wished and needed to be honored through all of it was that under no circumstance would they ever give me any kind of narcotic without my permission or without asking me first. I guess you can tell where I’m going from here…

In recovery, we watched Silas get his first bath and commented that he had a cute birthmark on his tummy. The nurse that was bathing him said “don’t worry, it’ll probably come off.” WTF?! Really? Couldn’t we just enjoy our son? Then a nurse came by and put an IV in my arm and I heard a beep. I asked what that was, what was she doing? “It’s a Fentanyl drip.” she replied. I’m pretty naïve about opiates but I knew it was one. I told her no, I didn’t want that and that I’d requested no narcotics from the beginning and “they” said it was ok. She told me it was protocol. Elliott became my protector at this point and interjected, trying to reason with the nurse while trying to maintain his cool because he was more aware of the dangers of this drug than I. And there was a problem looming. A scary one. I’d gotten nauseated immediately and I starting getting this shooting headache, a headache I’ll never forget. I told the nurse I was really scared because something didn’t feel right.

She then nonchalantly informed me that I was “dangerously close” to having a stroke and that medication needed to be administered right away to bring my blood pressure down. As if her telling me this didn’t make my blood pressure higher. I was terrified and crying. The nurse bathing Silas then pulled my robe down to my belly and placed him on my chest for some skin-to-skin time. I believe this was absolutely necessary in helping to bring my blood pressure down.

You see, there were no on call doctors at this L&D hospital so the nurse had to wait until she got a hold of my OB on the phone to administer the meds to lower my blood pressure. We were in recovery for so long that I cannot even begin to remember how long. Both of our families were panicked because they hadn’t heard from us. Does this seem weird to you that they couldn’t administer meds to lower blood pressure without getting a hold of my doctor by phone? Especially if I was so close to having a stroke?

Well, after all of this, we made it up to our room where we’d be staying the next three days and I was so sick I couldn’t eat or anything. Recovery was a long process for me. I think most C-Sections are but none of this was a good experience.

Maybe I’ll go into my recovery and postpartum journey in another post because that’s another beast in itself and I didn’t realize how long this would all be written down. Thank you if you took the time to read this in its entirety. I hope to keep discussions among women in America about these issues open and more frequent. This shouldn’t be taboo. We should all know about these issues and talk freely so we don’t feel so isolated!

Side Notes:

Silas had a nuchal cord that was causing his poor reactions. I read that this is relatively common and not always cause for alarm but all I can say is follow your intuition always!

Silas Crawford York was born at 11:37pm on July 22, 2015 weighing 7 lbs on the nose and was 19.5 inches long. He was loved since conception but loved more and more madly each day!