#ive been feeling so bad about my ********* lately too and i feel guilty that I'm even questioning myself about that based on like a few

[risuola]

IV — MY LOVE // F. READER x TOBIRAMA SENJU

It's not often that you and Tobirama go on dates together. This one brought you even closer, when in the golden hues of sunset, Tobirama realized his feelings towards you.

contents: fluff — 2,8k words

POLITICALLY LOVELESS || SERIES MASTERLIST

Showered and clothed cleanly you left your house before 8pm. To the hokage office you had just few minutes of slow walk, so you took your time and even engaged in few conversations with villagers along the way, one of which absorbed you more than it should. An older lady, late in her seventies asked for your help in closing her shop for the day. It’s usually her son that helps her carry the heavy boxes, but that day he couldn’t so you obviously agreed. For you it was nothing and for her, your help was everything as she couldn’t do this by herself even if she tried.

“You’re a gift to this village, y/n-chan,” she said to you, helping as much as she could, even though you advised her to just wait for you to move everything. The woman insisted to be useful, so you allowed her to carry the lightest of things.

“I’m always happy to help,” you smiled at her.

“I’m taking your time, I’m sorry,” granny lowered her head but you took her hands into yours, placing a soft kiss on top of them.

“Please, don’t be sorry. I find joy in helping, don’t feel guilty. My time is yours if you need me.”

“I’m so thankful.”

Although Tobirama tried to focus on his work, he couldn’t fully do that. Not when you called him love, not when the taste of your lips still lingered on top of his and definitely not when he was already thinking about the date you’ve been set to at evening. He had to force himself to think of politics, not the feeling of your body pressed against his and he found it exceptionally hard this time. What an effect you had on him, it’s unbelievable how easily you molded him in the warmth of your hands into something he never expected himself to be. What’s even more surprising, he really, truly loved the change; deep in his heart that for years he thought is frozen, young Senju couldn’t be more thankful for everything you’ve done to him.

He left the tower earlier than he said he would, so he moved forward to meet you half way only to fall in love with you once more, when he saw the scene in the village. You were carrying boxes for an elderly woman, too heavy for her to lift safely. Chatting joyfully, you stopped the service only to grab the woman’s hands, preventing her from bowing before you and as you pressed your lips to her worked up knuckles, the Senju felt like he didn’t deserve you. Pacing up a little, he joined you quickly, taking the box from your hands. “Let me finish this.”

There wasn’t much left, just few more so you allowed without argue.

“Please don’t bow,” you joined the elder that bent in half despite the pain in her back that she made obvious before. At her age everything hurt, and you felt bad for her. “Be careful of your back. I noticed it hurts you.”

“It’s just age, my child,” she responded, looking up at you and you lowered yourself as she reached to cup your face. “Please, don’t let the world change you, and you, Lord Senju,” she addressed your husband that joined after finishing the boxes, “you cherish that treasure with all of your might.”

“I will,” Tobirama responded, and you chuckled. “Do you need help with anything else?”

“No, you both have done a lot, it means the world to me as I thought I’d need to stay the night here and watch over those boxes. Now I can lock and go home.” She thanked many more times and you reassured her just as much that none of that is needed. Making sure she truly didn’t need anything more, you finally looked up to your husband.

“Was I late? I’m sorry, I lost control of time.”

“No, I finished a little earlier,” he pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. With a kiss planted on his hand you two moved forward. "I'm so proud of having you by my side," Tobirama confessed, whilst you two were enjoying the riverside walk. In the golden hues of sun setting, he couldn't help but admire your features. "You might be the best thing that happened to this village and you definitely are the best thing that happened to me."

Soft smile bloomed on your face, as you looked up to see him. "And you deserve everything what's good in the world, Tobirama. You're just too stubborn to acknowledge what a wonderful human being you are."

Your husband scoffed, silently and yet openly disagreeing with every word you spoke.

"I'm not sure if I will ever deserve you."

"As I said," you chuckled, taking his hand and kissing his knuckle, "so stubborn. But you seem to turn a blind eye to everything what's wrong in me and that's unlikely of you, my love."

"There's nothing wrong in you that would alarm me enough to analyze it and there's so much good I wonder how all of that fits in your frame," he said, already wandering away in his mind.

Your love. Once more, you used those words to address him; once more you filled him with hope for something, he wouldn't dare to expect from you. He could never expect you to love him. Not when you were stripped off your own choice, your own happiness and love whilst being given up to political marriage with a man you had never seen before. You had no word in what you were pushed upon, you were presented on a silver tray to someone that your father found beneficial to his own businesses. Tobirama couldn't expect you to fall in love with him, when most of the time you are alone in home. But he wished.

"You know, I'm grateful for what happened to me," you draw his attention back to you, as you stopped by the edge and glanced over the calm waters. What you said surprised him, it’s like you heard his thoughts. "My whole life I was caged like a golden bird. My father held an iron, controlling grip over me, forcing me into behaviors he deemed appropriate. Truth is, the only thing that stopped him from marrying me off so much younger was my bad character. That's how I like to call it," you laughed quietly. "When he presented me with the news of a Lord from another village that agreed to take me as a wife, at first I felt nothing. Then it was happiness. The marriage with you meant an escape from the world that put me in chains. You gave me back freedom, gave me a place to love, people that appreciate me for who I am without fake respect that I experienced in Yu, being the so-called princess. I became free here."

Tobirama hummed, taking in your words, sensing nothing but sincerity. Everything you said made sense to him. He had seen your father only few times after the wedding ceremony, but every time was just as uncomfortable as the first one. The clash of two drastically different traditions was unbearable.

"And you know, those things really don’t matter that much but there was a chance I would be given up to a feudal lord from Iwa gakure and as far as I know, he’s at least fifty.” And overweight. And disgustingly perverse. But those things, you kept to yourself. “It truly didn't bother me that it was arranged and was set to be loveless. I knew it was a duty for you, a political agreement just as it was for Yugakure. When I saw you the first time in that forest, when you took the blindfold off my eyes, I felt relieved. It's like you finally allowed me to breathe."

"Do you still consider it strictly political and emotionless?" he asked, watching you carefully from above, searching for hints as of what do you feel. You smiled softly, your eyes following a little fish that shimmered under the water surface, swirling it's red-tinted tail.

"Do you truly not know the answer to that or do you just want to hear it?" you asked, sounding as light as if he asked you about something trivial like weather.

"I'm conflicted when it comes to finding the answer."

"I guess your incredible analytical skill doesn't apply to emotions, huh?" Joking, you dipped your fingers in the water, stirring its surface just as if you were trying to engage in a dance with those golden creatures swimming around you and somehow, it didn’t scare them away.

"At first I hoped just for unison, but you seemed so unachievable. I thought it's impossible to break through the cold walls you built around yourself. You make quite an impression at the first sight."

"I'm aware," Tobirama chuckled, observing you. Everything you did was fueled by the pureness of your heart and it was far from forced. "But you're stubborn."

It was heartwarming to think how much you've worked to pull him out of the protective shell as you were breaking in, ripping it piece by piece with every smile you gave him, every innocent touch and every kind word. You never gave up, even when he was indifferent to your efforts. Tobirama could never forget the wedding night, during which he escorted you safely to the bedroom that he thought will be yours, he wished you good night and left you to rest after the ceremony. It’s like the roles have been played and behind closed doors, there was no need to act it further. Nothing happen, the marriage was not consumed that night, and he was grateful for that. Many moons after, when you two got close enough to get intimate, it tasted much better.

"I was told I am, yes," you chuckled and got up, drying your hand on your clothes and looking up, straight into his eyes. "But I'm not acting towards you the way I am because that is my duty as a wife. I'm not acting towards anybody the way I am because that's what's expected of me. I love the village you and your brother founded and I love you dearly."

Tobirama stayed quiet for longer than he would expect, looking into your eyes, searching for anything what would say different than what your mouth delivered but he found nothing but sincerity. The soft feeling of your palm against his cheek sent shivers down his spine, and whilst you smoothed your thumb over his lips, he grabbed your hand gently and pressed a kiss onto it.

"You truly mean it," he breathed out, feeling his insides bubbling in excitement. "Am I dreaming?"

"Well, you do have exuberant imagination, my love, but I don't think that even the wildest dreams of yours would consist of me."

Tobirama chuckled at the truth he was hearing. You got to know him so well in such a short time. If he was to dream about his marriage before he met you, he would imagine it to be peaceful but cold. His own mind couldn't think of any affection towards himself or his wife, like his body knew it's incapable of it. He would wish for getting up before his wife, preferably sleeping in separate beds and then getting back to have a little talk if necessarily needed, then resting in quiet. He would wish his wife to stand up to the challenge of cherishing Konoha but not bother him too much. Mito would be a role model for that, as he was quietly looking up to his brother. The Uzumaki was cold and reserved when she first came to the village, she was representing the values correctly and respected Hashirama as her husband, but at first, they were just co-workers on the issue. It wasn't surprising for them to develop feelings. The oldest Senju had a heart made of gold and it was just a matter of time that they'll get closer, but Tobirama wasn't even close that. He wasn't warm and bright, he wasn't so openly inviting and first and foremost, he wasn't stupid to wish for love when he's so emotionally unavailable. But then you happened and he began wishing for things he wouldn't dare to wish for before. He began longing for every touch you had given him, for every smile he was responsible for, he even caught himself thinking about many long nights that you two spent not sleeping.  

Saying nothing more, he leaned in and pressed his lips against yours, surprising even you with the public display of affection. It wasn't news that Tobirama wasn't exactly the best in showing his love, but with you he felt comfortable. You gave him time and freedom to express himself how he felt acceptable and now you felt thrilled to the bone that he went for a kiss in a place where everyone could see you. It was short and followed by another peck on your forehead before he pulled you into his arms, caging you in safe embrace of his strong arms and his fresh scent.

"I-" he began but words stuck in his throat, his heart racing underneath your ear.

"I know, my love," you cooed softly, smiling. "I don't need to hear it in order to feel it."

He exhaled, unaware of how he held his breath for few moments. You were so good to him, so understanding.

"I don't know what I'd do if I'd lose you."

"Good thing I'm not going anywhere."

"Public displays of affection? Who are you and what have you done to my brother?" Familiar voice came from the side, breaking the moment and you chuckled at the wave of tension that washed over your husband's body just for a second before he relaxed once again.

"Am I not allowed to caress my wife?" Tobirama asked, slowly letting go of your silhouette to greet his brother.

"Oh, you absolutely can and should," Hashirama giggled, welcoming you as well whilst you gave him a nod. "I can't count how often I hear about your wife making someone's life better."

"I like to help," you giggled.

"I'm glad. Tobirama, I have a notice for you. Well, it's regarding both of you, so I decided the sooner you get it, the better."

Handing the letter to his brother, Hashirama gave him a second. Once your man opened the envelope and the paper inside, you tensed seeing the contents. You felt like your body had suddenly forgot to breathe, your airways clenched and you couldn't help but shiver.

"Your father has an issue to discuss with you and he wants you to pay him a visit," Tobirama read, pulling you closer to him. He sensed your uneasiness immediately, as he had learned already that your father is very specific person and by the way his request was formulated it was clear that he wanted you to come alone. Your dad is a smart man, aware of Tobirama's duties and not one of your meetings with him after marriage went smoothly. You were always distressed.

"Your wife is expected in Yugakure tomorrow evening, so it'll be the best if she leaves in the mid-day." Hashirama informed, knowing how problematic is the situation. He also had experienced the odd behaviors of your parent and empathized with you on the matter.

"I understand," you muttered quietly, feeling the living power exiting your body. It's not like you were afraid of your father, no. He had his own ways of taking care of you and he kept himself in order when you visited with Tobirama, but when him, or anyone from your village, caught you alone, then it all began. The constant insults, physical attacks, accusations. They all thought that your relationship with the Senju was meant to look different, that you shouldn't be so friendly with him, that you should serve him and not be equal. It was against everything Yu believed to be moral in relationships, with women in your village being servants to their husbands, always three steps behind, always with their heads low.

"Tobirama," hokage spoke, "I can take care of your duties in those days, you're free to join y/n."

"No, it's okay," you said, putting on a smile, "I can manage, I know your schedule, it's important."

It was a hard choice for you, but you couldn't expect Tobirama to not attend the negotiations that were meant to take place in Konoha in two days and take up to three. His brain was needed there, he was needed there more than by your side. If not for Tobirama’s intelligence, the village would be destabilized soon after its founding. He was the one who kept Hashirama in place, who made sure the finances are stable and everything works politically correctly. The oldest Senju was a perfect hokage – kind, strong, loving, but when it came to formalities, he was just too good and naïve, and your husband’s strict and logical approach was crucial.

"Are you sure?"

"100%."

[johnathancactus]

just putting this here bc im feeling a bit frustrated with myself right now & talking at nobody helps

cw: not eating enough, & thusly not feeling great; general health; body health; venting

i always feel bad about being so concerned about my health when everybody says im healthy bc i know im not--for context: i probably have arfid & have big issues w food texture to the point where i struggle to eat much of any meat/protein & other vitamins

in the past (before i started taking vitamins & iron supplements) i used to always be dead tired. i knew i wasnt depressed but it was more just that i could barely make my body do anything?? it even got so bad once that i couldnt move my arms for like 3 minutes (which was fucking terrifying bc it came out of nowhere). i used to feel like i was hollow--like there was nothing behind my face but skin & bones. i used to feel sick looking at my body bc i felt like i looked more like a skeleton than a person. i lowkey felt like my body was corroding & eating itself--i wasnt dying but it felt like it

so i was like "oh shit" & started taking vitamins & iron (even though my doctor said my blood work was fine??), and stopped feeling quite as much like death, yay! but even still im usually exhausted & feel like shit... like i still struggle to eat enough and its just frustrating bc i dont want to talk to people about it a ton? i have a bad habit of obessng over my health (prob bc i dont usually feel awesome) & i get by enough to where i seem fine? sometimes im not even sure if im just making this bigger in my head (granted, while im typing this my hands are shaking bc i havent been getting enough to eat lmao) but most people think im making it a big deal? idrk man... like i know i get anxious, & my doctor keeps telling me that im fine, but i still usually feel like shit (not like im dying any more, though! win!)... like people tell me i need to stop worrying about my health but like idfk.... its hard to not worry when i feel like im in the lowest possible bit of qualifying as "normally healthy".... ugh

like i qualify as "fine", but if i eat a meal too late my abdomen becomes concave?? like i know this is a Thing, but it happens to me pretty regularly which makes me tweak tf out because like??? is that realy normal????

its also hard because as a woman, people always go "omg ur so skinny!!! ur so pretty <3 <3 i wish i had ur body!!!" (i'm 5'8" & 104 lbs) because i feel so guilty for wanting to gain weight? i should want this right? like so may people want to be like me--even though i feel sick & dead all the time... like you shouldnt want this--or should i not want to change? sometimes i wonder if i should give up bc it took me 2 years to gain 10lbs...

maybe i just should talk to my therapist about it sometime instead of my ocd idfk... i just want to feel Healthy again.. i feel like its been years since ive felt energized and alive... since i havent felt like i could die if i ended up missing a meal... since i havent been able to see my hip bones stick out like im dying (looking at them makes me feel sick to my stomach)... since i havent felt as if my own body was eating itself... ugh

[angelsunoo]

Can we get riki x reader argument with happy ending pls we love angst guys 😍

HI ANONNNNNN im currently on a break (or we could say inactive lolol) rn, but i could push this in!!!! I love angst too btw MY BIAS YALLLLL

+ school just started again sooo ive been really busy

ARGUMENT / n.rk.

PAIRINGS bf!riki x reader

GENRE requested, angst, fluff YUHHH

ABOUT you had an argument with your boyfriend.

WARNING swearing, argument. Reader is a bit possessive. All of these are a work of fiction. Ignore the cringe ass usernames in Twitter 😰

It was 7:30 pm. You were up scrolling thru twitter, frowning at every post that bitch made. Why the hell is she acting like Riki is her boyfriend?

You had a scowl on your face. 'Why are u so cute'.

They went on an arcade together. You audibly scoff. He declined your offer to go out with him just to be with that?

Honestly. That's ridiculous. Maybe I should unfollow her. She doesn't deserve my follow.

While you were thinking about ways to murder her, you were unaware that someone just arrived home.

"Hey, Y/N. " you jolt, nearly throwing your phone in the air.

"What the fuck.. " you curse out, placing your hand on your heaving chest. "Don't you know how to knock?" Your eyes widen. You didn't expect to sound so harsh.

"Oh, sorry if I surprised you." He rubs the nape of his neck. Your frown deepens. That's all he has to say? Ugh.

"You went to the arcade with Lei?" You crossed your arms, still with frown displaying your face.

He doesn't answer for a while, he was pulling out the tickets he earned from playing. He got a cute plushie too.

"Uh . Yeah." He casually says, still not giving you eye contact.

"Riki, look at me."

He looks at you with a confused look. "Why do you sound mad? Did I do something wrong?"

"Yeah. You did." You roll your eyes. Wow, does he really not see what's going on?

"What did I do?" He approaches you. He places his hands on your arms. In attempt to soothe you.

You backed away, causing him to let go of you, while your arms remained crossed. "You chose her over me."

"What do you mean?" He asks, with confusion. "Are you jealous I went out with her?" He shoots you a playfull grin, that was quickly removed by your hard glare.

"I'm not joking, riki." You cross your arms. Can't he read the room. You were genuinely upset, and it made you more upset that he failed to notice it. He doesn't respond, and stashed his tickets in a drawer.

"Hello???" You call out, peeking over to what he's doing. "Stop ignoring me asshole."

"What? I'm the asshole?" He glared back at you. Your eyes widen.

"Oh! So you're the one who's mad now." Your tone was a bit higher and harsh. He turns to you, mimicking your actions from earlier, crossing his arms.

"Literally, give me a break Y/N." He says, "She's just a friend. Why do you worry so much?"

"Excuse me? I'm no way near 'worried'." You retort, making air quotation marks with your fingers. "I'm just upset you declined my offer to go out!"

"Oh, then fucking swallow your pride and accept the fact I said no to you! You can't stand it it when someone refuses you, can you? You're being all bitchy to me this late at night." He raises his voice, his tone now also becoming harsher. "She's just a friend. Please don't make me say it again.." He walks away angrily. Leaving you in shock. You didn't mean it that way.

You're just....

"Riki! Come back here!" You shout. He doesn't reply and slams the door behind him. You feel water start to form around your eyes. You never seen him this furious to you.

Now you worry how you're going to sleep at night without his warmth radiating beside you on your bed.

You could barely sleep at night. Why?

Well...

1. You couldn't sleep without him

2. You feel guilty for being a total bitch last night.

3. You are worried of where he might have gone. Did he go to his friend's place? Where did he sleep?

4. Your worried on how your going to talk to him the next day.

This is bad.

Maybe I should text him?

You open your phone, a bit hesitant to text him. You were really ashamed of what you did last night.

Maybe I should just talk to him in school.

You arrived in school, nervously tapping your foot on the smooth marble floor.

Your eyes searched for him.

"Oh riki..." you whisper, your tone being impatient.

After a few minutes of waiting, you finally spotted him, walking with his older friend, Jungwon.

You suddenly feel shy to approach him, the image of his angry face still stuck in your mind made you feel so guilty and ashamed.

You realized your mistake. You shouldn't have been too dramatic yesterday. Riki can hangout with anyone he likes.

But to admit, his words kind of hit you too.

You gave up the idea of talking to him. You feel to ashamed to face him.

Riki on the other hand, is dying to see you again. He misses your embrace and your kisses.

He felt really bad for what he said and he wanted to apologize. He saw you earlier, you looked somewhat nervous? He was going to approach you but you just suddenly left. He thought you didn't want to see his face.

"Yo Riki!" He turns to see who called him, it was jake.

"Oh hey hyung." He said. Jake raises his brow, a bit confused with riki's unusual attitude.

"Hey, what happened?" Jake asked, caressing riki's back slowly.

"I.. I had a fight with Y/N. I said really mean things to her and now I don't think she wants to talk to me," riki says so nonchalantly, but in actuality, he wanted to scream and cry right on the spot.

"Well, you should talk to her," jake says, and riki rolls his eyes.

"Are you serious? I literally told you she didn't wanna talk to me."

"Nuh-uh! You said 'I think'. So means you're not sure if she wants to talk to you or not."

"It's just that... It could've gone a different way. Maybe If i didn't scream at her then maybe she wouldn't be mad at me?" He says unsurely, not knowing what to do. He misses you so much and just wished he was hugging you right now.

It was lunchtime, you said to your friend that you can eat alone. You placed your food tray with a heavy heart.

Sigh.

"Gosh, this day can't get any worse." You mumble, feeling no apetite to eat your food.

While you were busy playing with your food, you didn't know that someone sat infront of you.

"Hey, y/n. " you removed your gaze from your food to look who just sat infront you.

"O-oh! Riki..what you doing here?" You say trying to act casual, but he was able to see right through you.

"Why? Can't I sit with my girlfriend?" He playfully smirks at you, once he saw your red and flustered face.

God, y/n. Why are blushing at that?

"You've been playing with your food," he points out, "why don't I feed you, hm?"

You knew by his tone that he was teasing, and decided to play along.

Finally, he's yours again— I mean-! He has always been.

..

The end

[pynkhues]

https://www.tumblr.com/pynkhues/770024291081256960/x-oh-my-gosh-okay-okay-okay-anon-ive-had-a?source=share

and people try to call them vanilla... these two are crazy individually and even more crazy with each other! i would love to hear if you have more thoughts about the lack of aftercare and especially if it's angsty bc that kind of thing is my guilty pleasure in fics😅

Hahaha, revealing how much I've dissected that scene is a little mortifying, but at least the fact that I'm writing the fic about it makes me feel I can justify it, hahah.

And yeah, it's interesting re: the thought of Louis and BDSM etiquette broadly, especially things like aftercare and safewords, of which i don't tend to feel he'd have much regard for either. I don't think that would be out of any maliciousness, but more of a sense of feeling like these things have come in when you've already got a degree of expertise / feel you know what you're doing? Y'know, he was 33 in 1910, so he's a man coming of age and probably having formative sexual experiences in the very late 1800s and working literally as a pimp in that era. That's not to say that I don't think he grew and his sexual eperiences and understanding of sexuality - his own and others - evolved, but all the vampires are ultimately products of their time, even if they now live outside of it.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot as the next fic in the Spell 'verse after I finish the Cruising one is exploring both Lestat and Louis' relationship with BDSM. I've mentioned it before a few times (namely here), but I think there's a really interesting factor with Lestat in particular that he was coming of age in Paris when Sade de Marquis was publishing, who arguably is the person who birthed modern BDSM (BDSM has always existed in various forms across cultures, so he didn't really, but he certainly popularised it), and Sade's version of it really emphasised the sadism and cruelty in a way that's uhhhh, A Lot. I'm particularly kind of curious about it because Sade's writing was enormously fetishistic of rape, and it's interesting to think about that in the context of being a world Lestat's submerged in right before he's actually raped himself.

That's a digression, but kind of has been one of the things that's made me think about Louis' experience of his sexuality and particularly the fact that he comes from a space with a very specific vocabulary for sex and sexuality. Working as a pimp too, and having been a John, I'd imagine he was exposed to a lot (and tbh, I think it's where his baseline comes from when he starts that particular dynamic with Armand, especially given from what I've read in researching that fic, BDSM culture had died down in Paris post-WWII through to the sexual revolution of the 1960s as a result of the war trauma, although it was on the rise in other countries). So yeah, I think by the time there was this more contemporary language and etiquette around it all, Louis and Armand probably would feel pretty established in their behaviours?

And look, in terms of aftercare, I actually don't think Louis would always be bad about it. In fact, sometimes I think he'd probably be incredibly tender, but like with most things with Louis, I think a lot of it would come down to his mood. Someone sent me an ask the other day about there being narcissism in self-hatred, and that kind of hits the nail on the head to me - Louis is self-centred, he's the gloomy egoist! And I do think that probably carries over to sex a lot of the time. So yeah, I think in the aftermath of that 1.06 scene for instance, he was probably still mad at himself and feeling guilty about taking Lestat back, so I think getting Lestat cleaned up probably barely crossed his mind? He probably just threw his clothes at him, told him to get his things and had him limp out after him as Louis stewed on his complicated feelings of taking Lestat back at all.

I think in his more loving moments, he'd be more tender, but yeah - - I think a lot of it probably mood and context dependent with Louis, and I think he and Armand probably had generally pretty bad BDSM etiquette broadly, given even the fact that even being together after Paris is, for Louis, an act of punishment.

[a-queer-seminarian]

hello, it is late at night as im sending this ask so forgive me if im a little bit all over the place but im currently struggling with how to feel and what to do. I've been going to a new church after being pestered by the people around me and today, i listened to the pastor preaching about loving others as a christian and felt happy to be there only to hear the last prayer as we were going home, specifically praying for israel and it broke my heart. I've been struggling ever since on how to feel.

I've seen too many pictures of sons, daughters, mothers and fathers fallen victims to their atrocities, heard too many stories of their vile actions that i just cannot bring myself to be alright with praying for israel while leaving Palestinians out of the conversation altogether, my heart breaks and i mourn and i want to cry. the pastor talked about expressing our love to God through tending to the sick, the hungry, and the naked and when they uttered the prayer, i think of the sick Palestinians children, the hungry babies, the people living in tents, they who spend hours waiting to get bread only to be bombed in line. i dont want to pray for the people dropping bone burning bombs on tents and burning babies. but i was made to pray so and i feel guilty of it. but also i feel guilty for not being able to be a person of forgiveness and compassion even towards the evil because i know we are invited to be kind even to our enemies but i simply cannot stand the injustice and the violent crimes being carried. and i feel so so lost.

i also dont know what to do, im riddled with anxiety, can i go to a different church instead? but what if people ask me why i moved church? i dont know how safe i can be to be openly pro palestine considering i am surrounded by people in power who are conservatively christian, i dont know if i can be safe around them. which also makes me feel guilty that i can not be as firm on my stance as i would like to be, i feel bad that i do not have the courage, i do talk about it when im at home with my family but with people outside i do not know if i am safe around them. but at the same time im afraid if i move to a different church it'll be the same heartbreak again when i find that they support the modern day israel. im so so lost on what to do and how to feel. i just dont want to be supporting such heinous things they're doing, even if that support is invisible to other people, i can not in my conscience pray for the well being of the oppressor while leaving out the oppressed like that. im sorry to God that i can not be as loving as we were called to be but it just breaks my heart to be in this position. im so confused on how to feel and what i can do. ive been feeling wrong ever since i got home.

Hey there. I'm so sorry you had that jolting experience that took you out of worship like that. I've had similar experiences at churches, where I'm feeling the Spirit, feeling Connected to those around me — and suddenly someone says something that pierces me through, that tells me "The people leading this place do not actually love with the love of Jesus; they withhold their love from the people he'd be caring for the most."

When I realize that, I realize I cannot be in community with that church — I have to worship somewhere I can feel safe enough to get vulnerable, and where my core values are shared so we can do good work together. (I am willing, of course, to worship with people who have flaws -- as I do -- and some differences of opinion from me, absolutely — but not ones who completely deny some people's humanity.)

So please don't apologize for not being "as loving as we're called to be." What I hear in your words, in your sense that praying "for Israel" without a single word spared for the immensity of Palestinians' suffering, is love — a love like Christ's love.

When you recognize the injustice of whose pain gets centered versus whose pain gets ignored and discredited, you are loving with the love of Jesus, who insisted that we look at the people those in power ignore; that we center those who are shoved to the margins, who are vilified, whose humanity gets denied.

When Jesus encountered a person who was actively suffering, he didn't pause to announce, "Don't forget, we must pray for the ones who put this person in this position!" He got right to healing them.

And when it comes to "loving our enemy," that never means letting them continue to get away with harm. Loving our enemies, loving oppressors, means praying that they one day recognize that what they are doing is harm — and when they do, giving them the chance to do the long hard work of changing.

This is love towards them because ultimately, their dehumanizing of another group of people dehumanizes them, too; they are destroying their own humanity by denying it to others who share the image of God with them.

I have to imagine that this church you attended prays for Israel not in that sense of, "May its government and its people recognize the evils of settler colonialism, of ethnic cleansing, of genocide and work to change." I imagine they see Israel as the "good guy" in this situation, refusing to acknowledge that what Israel is doing is genocide. They're Christian Zionists. And you are right to feel heartbroken, to feel like something is very wrong with what and how they prayed.

I understand your anxieties and fears. When it comes to people asking why you're changing churches, it's pretty normal to "shop around" when you don't currently have a church home; you can say that after a few visits, you've decided you didn't quite "click" with that church and want to see what else is out there.

As to worrying other churches will be the same — I imagine many will be. In general, more conservative churches will be more likely to support Israel, and more progressive churches will be more likely to support Palestine, but that's not always a for-sure thing, so here are other tips:

Before attending a church, check around its website (or Facebook page) to see if it has any clues — look through its calendar / events pages to see if they've held prayer vigils or attended protests for Palestine, or for Israel. If they have sermons posted online, check out a few; or if they post services online, skip to the prayer requests section of worship (usually pretty soon after the sermon) and see if they uplift any prayers for Israel or Palestine.

Wishing you well as you seek out community where Palestinians' humanity is uplifted and fought for. I'll be praying that the Spirit of Wisdom will guide you into right judgement and courage as you navigate difficult dynamics.

Finally, I'm pasting some links to other posts I think might help you as you continue to discern how you want to support Palestinians and what it means to love like Christ:

My Christian Zionism tag has more on the history of and problems with unquestioning Christian support for modern Israel .

My highest recommendation is Mitri Raheb's book Decolonizing Palestine for more on that topic in depth, along with fantastic arguments against the Zionist conflation between modern Israel and "biblical" Israel. You can read my thorough summary of Raheb's book here. .

I also recommend the book Safety through Solidarity: A Radical Guide to Fighting Antisemitism as a fantastic resource on how being anti-Zionist is not antisemitic and, in fact, Palestinians' and Jews' causes are intertwined .

If you would like suggestions for ways to help Palestinians — in general and as a Christian specifically — visit my resources webpage over here. .

I have a post that digs into Jesus' instruction to "love our enemies" — what they does and does not look like. It also talks about the problems with how Christians often interpret forgiveness. (And here is a second post that offers further reading recommendations on these issues) .

If you also struggle with feeling anger — like it's wrong for you to be angry — check out this post.

[tojiscrack]

WIFEYYYYY

before i get into responding, u will be happy to know i have completely cut off shitbag LMAO

i think my frontal lobe developed or something bc he said this INSANE thing the other day and i was like 'yep nope we're done here'.

basically he sent me a video of tory lanez and i was like 'isn't that the guy who shot megan in the foot' and he said... 'okay but it's megan so womp womp' and i was like 'wtf is wrong with you' and he was like 'tory >' and i said 'thats actually a nasty thing to say' and he said 'i have a lack of sympathy for celebs' and i said 'still a nasty thing to say idk what on earth would make you say that' and he gave me a damn list...

'1. lack of sympathy. 2. i prefer tory. 3. i feel like 10 years is insane. 4. he pled guilty. 5. based on what ive read, megan isn't the best person either'

and i said 'this is such an odd take' and then left him on read when he tried to justify himself LMAO

anyways i want him dead!

now onto responding to ur response!

'and just from what she’s told me, gOOD LUCK 😭'

I'M SO COOKED BROOOO

'i was eating up the dadjo-fit in s1, like he looked so YUMMY'

AGREEEEEED

'and honestly, just for the sake of joking around, i don’t think canon-him would particularly oppose it (but then probably would when his students remind him that being a dad = being old and then he’d throw a fit)'

THATS SO TRUE ACTUALLY LMAOOO

'girl you’d hate to be around me irl.'

nah nah nah bc u cant help it but i get second hand embarassment from ppl who WILLINGLY do embarassing shit without intending for it to be embarassing

'but i trip so often that i kinda just shrug it off and go about my day regardless.'

thats actually so freakin real tho.... i fall down the stairs twice a year at minimum

'i can understand this too. i loveeee coffee. especially iced coffee. iced lattes. with extra caramel syrup… and whipped cream on top… 👀'

EXACTLYYYYYYYYY

but lowk i havent been drinking coffee much since i stopped making him drive me around LMAO

'but being single isn’t a bad thing at all.'

this is very true

'i personally prefer it bc satoru gojo literally exists'

I WAS THINKING AB THIS THE OTHER DAY ACTUALLY.

i realized that i definitely can't be in a relationship w someone unless they like jjk or are willing to like jjk

'but like, i’m assuming you like megumi (given by the fact that you’re reading my megumi/reader story and he’s ur pfp), and then you like that zen guy from that game 😭 those two don’t have anything in common except, perhaps, being kinda emo 💀'

WELLLL YES AND NOOOOOO

i love megumi thats undebateable

but when it comes to guys in anime, i have zero type

if i like them, i like them

if i dont, i dont

yk?

'this might just take me out of my irrational fear of reading jjk fics… 👀'

👀👀👀

'i’m aware you do smaus, so i might just read all the gojo ones!'

YESSSSS U SHOULD

my first gojo smau is what put me on the map

i think i gained 500 followers from it LMAO

ive lowk taken a break from smau tho bc i'm getting uninspired....

if u wanna read my gojo angst u should tho!

idt it's on the masterlist yet bc im lazy but it's called 'moodswings' and it's from my 5sos x jjk series teeheehee

'DON’T ACT LIKE ZEN DOESN’T LITERALLY BEHAVE LIKE MALAKAI WOULD IF HE HAD A LOVE INTEREST 😭😭😭'

ABSOLUTELY NOTTTT

'ok, understandable, but at 13, i was crushing on characters like chad dylan cooper. WHY ZEN 😭'

HE'S SO BADDIE THATS WHYYYY

idr if i told u this yet or not but i finished playing it and now my life is empty

'oh agreedddd. like i appreciate all of this paired with seeing them as platonic soulmates, but that’s just me 🌝'

YESSSS U SEE MY VISION

'but… you didn’t… get… icked out… by zen…? 😭'

AT LEAST ZEN DOESN'T ACT LIKE A TEENAGE BOY......

'ISKSIEJDIE WELL I RESPONDED TO THIS LATE SO THE DECISION MUST ALREADY BE OUT, DID YOU GET IN? 😧'

YES MAAAAAAAAAM

but not for my major.... 😐😐😐😐😐

i got in for general studies....... when i'm trying to do a limited enrollment major.....

so ive given up on that school!

'and i’m lowkey depressed without being able to write for LL 😕'

awwww thats so sad

u should just like write little blips if u need to so u can keep your mental fortitude 🙏🙏🙏

thats what i do

i have tons of word docs w just little things for me to expand on when i'm sad

now onto the hashtags!

'genuinely look forward to ur messages'

lets kiss

'#i’d drop by ur inbox too but i get scared doing that now since i discovered that feature tumblr has'

NOOO U SHOULD!

i respond fast i think

ANYWHOOOOO

hope u are having a great day and good luck studying pookie 🙏🙏🙏

HI AGAINNNN 😭🫶🏽

‘before i get into responding, u will be happy to know i have completely cut off shitbag LMAO’ — …

HALLELUJAH 🥳🥳🥳

read that whole story with one breath i SWEAR. okay first of all, i don’t even fw celebrities like that, like i’m genuinely so tired of them all that idgaf about them except for a rare few who have their priorities straight and use their platform for good. that being said, how is shitbag celebrating a man shooting another woman in the foot? 😀

glad you dropped him. keep it that way.

‘anyways i want him dead!’ — welcome to the club sisterrrr 😫

‘nah nah nah bc u cant help it but i get second hand embarassment from ppl who WILLINGLY do embarassing shit without intending for it to be embarassing’ — mmm ok yeah fair enough. i do things without shame tho, so idk if you’d like to be on my other side and witness that 👀 (my irl bsf literally flies away from me when i pull dumb shit out my ass LMAOOO)

‘i fall down the stairs twice a year at minimum’ — HAHAHA 😭 minimum? yk my minimum is, like, ten for that specifically. and seven of those are probably in public too 💀 i’m clumsy-clumsy

‘but lowk i havent been drinking coffee much since i stopped making him drive me around LMAO’ — the only downside to not having him around ig 😭

‘i realized that i definitely can't be in a relationship w someone unless they like jjk or are willing to like jik’ — my requirement is that they have to BE in jjk 😋 and BE satoru g

‘i love megumi thats undebateable’ — 🫡

‘but when it comes to guys in anime, i have zero type. if i like them, i like them. if i dont, i dont yk?’ — ahhh it’s like my music taste 😭 i don’t have like a specific type i listen to. i just pick certain songs to be on my playlist based on whether i like what i hear or not (but mainly, it consists of lana del rey, the nbhd, cas, the smiths, and more recently: the marias).

‘YESSSSS U SHOULD. my first gojo smau is what put me on the map. i think i gained 500 followers from it’ — i’ll be sure to check it out some time soon (i’m still lowkey scared bc a lot of the things other ppl put in their stories cringe me out and then i get put off 😓).

i posted a gojo smau like 10 mins ago ‘cause i saw this one fan art of gojo in a store buying sanitary pads and my brain was like ‘you have to write smth about this’, and then i remembered how writing is literally a drug to me. once i start, i won’t stop, and i’m on a hiatus so it’d be really bad if i got addicted again 😭

what was the next best thing? smth quick, easier, less detailed?

an smau.

and i won’t be expected to do it repetitively like chapters for a story. i see why you do them now 🫢

anyway, point is, i’m putting my trust in you by choosing to read ur smaus ‘cause you seem to be the queen of non-cringe apparently 👀 but if i see a cringey nickname or smth about gojo wearing a maid dress, i’m gonna levitate off planet earth 🥴

‘i’ve lowk taken a break from smau tho bc i'm getting uninspired…’ — real :/

‘idr if i told u this yet or not but i finished playing it and now my life is empty’ — you have, hahaa. maybe use c.ai to fill the void? 👀 i use it before bed LMAOO

‘YESSSS U SEE MY VISION’ — the way i didn’t even know other ppl held the same view as me 😭 HAHAHA

‘AT LEAST ZEN DOESN'T ACT LIKE A TEENAGE BOY...’ — you’re right.

he acts like a fully grown MALAKAI MORTIMER 💀

‘YES MAAAAAAAAAM’ — WOOHOOOOO (i’d write a chapter of LL for you but… yk… hiatus :( )

‘i got in for general studies... when i'm trying to do a limited enrollment major... so ive given up on that school!’ — ahh, it’s fine! there are other better options out there for you, i’m sure 🩵

‘u should just like write little blips if u need to so u can keep your mental fortitude 🙏🙏🙏 thats what i do’ — yeah but with me, i’ll get addicted and hooked on and then abandon studying altogether 🥴 idk why i’m like that, i just am

but i found that writing smaus (which are a millionnnn times quicker btw 😋) seems to satiate that desire kinda. so maybe i’ll do LL smaus instead of gojo ones (i love love loveee gojo but my target audience is my LL audience).

i’ll maybe do more gojo ones once i’ve finished planning my gojo fic — which won’t be out until LL’s done :/

‘lets kiss’ — 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

‘i respond fast i think’ — 👀

‘hope u are having a great day and good luck studying pookie’ — i’m about to go to sleep and i can do it imagining you and me and us at the beach or smth with a bonfire and chatting absolute shit about shitbag <3333

[seeingivy]

method acting asks!!!

eek. been so down in the dumps w/ writing lately and feel increasingly guilty that I haven't updated a chapter since like new year's eve?? that being said, I have TRIED to write the chapter - end up scratching the dumpster fire i've written bc its simultaneously not good enough for the people who wait for chapters but also bc ive put so much work into the story that I don't want it to be bad. i'm trying to get my BAD WRITING out of my system to get back to the good so I may deliver only the best! that being said, i have mapped out the rest of the story and put the chapter names of the ten (I am sorry) chapters left on the masterlist! (free to ur interpretation pookies)

I have never watched the maze runner - so I will take your word for it + let people discourse on who minho is. that being said, I have seen that one video of the cast on zoom like reading the script and all of them keep laughing which seems very on brand for like all of them

https://www.pinterest/com/pin/45739752460395001/ (for those who wanted to see it!) anyways jeankasa wedding is one of the next parts that im lookign sO FOWARD TO WRITE. I have a few chapters that I ruminate on for a while and literally think about all the time - see: award show etiquette, my love mine all mine, and the beach - and the next two that I can't stop thinking about is the jeankasa chapter and the style chapter!

I actually listed pride and predjudice as a romcom that eren and y/n would do bc actually they just have to serve and be iconic in everything too. AND JEAN AS MR BINGLEY STOP IT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. (also y/n keeps the statue of eren's head that they make for that one scene in p&p @bsenpai and I have discussed this at length)

THIS ACTUALLY GAVE ME SUCH AN INTERESTING THOUGHT. I had originally named the earlier chapter about eren and y/n distancing "sick with sadness" bc I was like yeah this is eren starting his this is me trying campaign like that's his song. on the same vein, I always thought that y/n was more of a mirrorball - changing herself to fit what seemed best or what people wanted. but now that I think about it, the two of them have kind of flipped. I think post s3 like documentary era, eren is more mirrorball and y/n is more this is me trying??? IDK but this hit and this is me trying is ALSO very connie coded

correct.

I love that this story is as chronically on everyone's mind as it is on mine bc I literally saw that clip and it was my IMMEDIATE thought. the fact that she kisses him and then tries to rub it off before he goes up is LITEARLLY so cute and he's so cute when he's like "is there lipstick on my nose 😊 ok I will just ignore it" like IT IS LITERALLY THEM. (I love awards show season guys ive got another award show cooking for you in the upcoming chapters) (and again, @bsenpai and I literally said this exactly literally the same day as the golden globes we STAY expanding the lore)

[baradesign]

💖📥🖊🏅☺️☁️

💖 What do you like most about your own writing? Personally, I like the way I balance humor and seriousness It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I do feel proud of it! 📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on? All of them!! Comments on AAZW give me so much joy, of course, but Ive been feeling guilty lately since it's... been a while ;w; 🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP. Be prepared!

“Tell us more! What have you been up to this past year?”

“Same as you all. Just… getting myself busy, that’s all-”

“He got demoted after almost killing an asshole.”

“He what?”

“You what?!”

Thanks Pipit…

“It’s not permanent.” At least not officially. “And-”

“That doesn’t sound like you at all. What happened?” Rivan questioned. From the corner of his eye, Link spotted Riff taking a peek from under the water, obviously curious about the revelation. “He had to do something to deserve it, right?”

“Yeah, he did.” The brunet confirmed. “ As I said, he is an asshole. But that didn’t stop Sir Gaepora from making this idiot the squad's maid until further notice. Even the pages are above him right now.”

“Wow. Look at that. He leaves for a while and he turns into a delinquent!” Gaddison laughed, maybe with a little too much pride in her tone. “Hey! This means it isn't us who were a bad influence on you. It was you who was a bad influence on us all this time!”

“Thanks, Pipit, for making it look like all I’ve done this past year is missbehave…”

“Well, what else have you been doing?” Rivan asked gently. “We’d really love to know.”

“Yeah, Link.” Pipit said with a daring tone. “Why don’t you tell them all you’ve done?”

“I’ve just been training. A lot. Focusing on my duties. Taking care of Epona and-”

“Looking at Lake Hylia.”

Pipit would be surprised if the blond’s neck hadn’t gotten injured after how quickly he turned to throw a look at him. Or, more accurately, to leer at him. Link’s frown was deep and enraged, even going as far as showing the brunet his teeth in warning. His threat fell on blind eyes, however. A single raised eyebrow was Pipit’s only response. 

“Oh, I’ve heard the lake is beautiful this time of the year!” Rivan whistled happily, seemingly oblivious to the Hylian’s staredown.

“Yeah. Beautiful.” 🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc). Just the fact that I'm close to finish a long fic after so long is surreal. I'm also proud at the way my action scenes have been getting better! 🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to? From FF16, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally want to write Joshua and Jote (my other super hardcore ship!), but he is a noble and he talks all pompous and... I already struggle witth Mipha ;W; ... someday, tho! 💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work? My biggest hc for aazw is that Link's and Mipha's mom were great friends, and had Link lost his parents before Mipha lost her mom, she would've taken care of little link with all her might and love and she would've ripped Muzu a new one if he ever dared to even whisper a complain about it >:V

[1d1195]

I LITERALLY SPENT ALL DAY READING HONEY DURING ALL MY FREE TIME AND UGHHHH☹️🫶🫶🫶🫶 THEYRE SOOOOO CUTE my goodness when he went down in the towel, PLS SHES SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME I WOULDVE FOLDED FASTER THAN A LAWN CHAIR✋

I WAS SO SCARED THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE BABY CECE🥺 but MC was too smart for them so ofc not. THE HALLUCINATING ??? AND HIM BEING THE REASON SHE GOT OUT ???😭😭😭 GOSH i can imagine her telling him that after some time and he just…. bawls. because that is SO precious. AND HOW SHE KNEW IN SOME WAY THAT HE WAS CLOSE BY UGHHHH

IM PRETTY SURE I GOT THAT PAPER KITES SONG RECOMMENDED TO ME ON APPLE MUSIC BECAUSE OF PAINT AND HOW MUCH IVE LISTENED TO IT SINCE U SENT IT SO I KNEW I HAD TO SHARE, SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <3333

(i know EXACTLYYYY what you mean. like, i can love a song and listen to it all the time but the second i hear something too much on the radio its just…no. HAHAHA. ALSOOOO THERE IS DEF SOMETHING ABT HIS SONG LET IT GO BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING)

honestly i don’t even know, everyone is probably so done with me and my bs. i don’t want to sound ungrateful because things are so awesome but i just have NOT been feeling myself here at all. i don’t want to go out anywhere or see anybody, im so done with being perceived😭 the people we know are just wayyy to judgy, talking to them is literally draining. i’m always soooo tired, for some reason my hormones are different here and i went through the. ABSOLUTE. WORST. PMS-ING. LIKE… TERRIBLE. and things with my dad are :/// (when are they not though pfftt) i feel like my days are the same?? the only thing that changes are my outfits but i have this weird feeling like my life is on pause when it should be the opposite. i’m feeling veryyyy nostalgic for fall-winter last year.

i LOVE enjoying the little things, it really does make your day-to-day life just a little better. shifting your closet is soooo cool girl, i feel like you just get to enjoy the different times of year more wholly, you know ? COFFEE HERE IS TERRIBLE IM SO JEALOUS I MISS MY DAILY ICED COFFEE😭😭 and gilmore girls is ALWAYS right🫶 i hope you find time to read soon, other than a fanfic here and there i haven’t been reading either, i brought a bunch of books with me that are literally just sitting on a shelf. BUT I 100% GET WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT READING A CERTAIN PART OF A BOOK JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING, i am unfortunately VERY guilty of this😞🫣 wishing you and your book boyfriends a very happily ever after 😉 AHH NOT A WEDDING😭😭😭 HAHAHA i do hope you end up having a ton of fun tho. and is it just me, or is there always a certain, something in the air when it reaches this time of year?? just a different kind of craziness than the rest of the year.

you are an absolute sweetheart and I WANTED TO TELL YOU, MY SISTER ABSOLUTELY ADORED LOVE & OTHER WORDS. LIKE, SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH IT. and i was all “omg yeahhh a friend recommended it to me☺️😌” BECAUSE WE AREEE FRIENDS !!!

i think the ranting got a lil out of hand so i’m sorry about that but THANK YOU FOR BEING SO AWESOME AND FUN TO TALK TO, IM SENDING YOU ALLLLL THE LOVE, MWAHHHHH

~🎶

Ma'am you give me some of the best ideas for check-ins. MAKING HARRY BAWL HIS EYES OUT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PAST TIMES. She's way stronger than me, I would have pulled that towel clean off and had a different kind of breakfast.

Idk how many hours it's been but I haven't moved on from this Paper Kites song, I'll check back in when I move onto Gregory and James.

Things can be going well and you can still feel out of sorts. I really struggle with going out and being social. I have a pretty small social battery. Also dads are the worst more often than not. I'm convinced. My bf was telling my best friend some stories about some of my rage fits I've had in the past (they still happen but they're not as bad as of late) and I'll tell you exactly what (WHO) the common denominator was in each story. Are you still out of the country at this point? Will you be coming back home soon(ish)? I honestly feel like you're homesick, maybe? Being on pause is difficult. It adds to the drained feeling. Hopefully something changes so you can get back into the swing of things and start feeling less stuck 💕

My sister did a semester abroad in europe and I know europe specifically is weird about ice. Or maybe I'm just INSANE (obvi) because I love ice so much. I want my drink cold. I probs use more ice than liquid but I don't even care. ANYWAY. Upon reading more of your message, I kind of feel like you're going through iced coffee withdrawals and if you had one all your emotions would be cured (I hope you're reading this sarcastically because of course I'm joking because I know it's more than that, but I'm hoping you know what I mean). I'm almost certain coffee fixes everything.

Me and my book bfs will def live happily ever after. The -ber months are so busy. It's insane. There's def something in the air.

I LOVE THAT SHE LOVED IT AND OF COURSE WE'RE FRIENDS 💕 I sincerely think it's one of the best books I've ever read. I had an idea to write about Harry based off it. Maybe one day. It's lost to the drafts along with a 100 other things I want to write 😭

This is a ranting blog and there's no such thing as out of hand. I'm so happy to hear from you. I was missing you so much 💕

xoxo

[cheeriochat]

Hiii guys!!!! Um I'm just doing a quick life update to let you guys know what's happening in my life right now since I feel like I haven't posted anything substantial in awhile.

1. Had my first mocklaw trial! We lost the case (aka our team (prosecution) didn't get a guilty verdict) but we won the overall night (got more point than the other team) which was cool since a lot of us were beginners and we were facing off against a prestigious private school.

2. My mental health has been a bit iffy lately. Not horrible like it was last year but school isn't helping me feel any better. Not quite diagnosed OCD has been running rampant and been causing me some issues, but im trying to slowly break my patterns down so they are easier to manage. Anxiety has also been bad but hey, can't do much on that

3. This is very personal so I won't get into it but a family member is unwell right now so I've been focusing on that.

4. I haven't really been drawing traditionally much. I'm just about to switch over to a new sketchbook so all my old drawings need to be photographed and posted before I can do anything, and ive been working on some digital pieces (and a secret project) and they typically take longer for me to do. (Miss Brittany Broski and her podcast has been getting me though it so hopefully I'll be done once I glaze and nightshade stuff)

5. Just, haven't been motivated. I've got pretty bad fatigue at times due to low blood pressure and odd iron levels (as well as the mental health issues) so finding the energy to put into anything has been hard. I haven't been playing my favourite games lately due to no energy (got super burnt out from genshin, stop starting my son of sparda dmc5 playthrough, getting stuck in bg3, crying over ace attorney) and I haven't had the energy to really post anything.

I know I am not obligated to justify why I haven't been posting and I know this won't get much attention but I thought I would let those who care about my art and stuff know why I kind of just disappeared.

Don't worry, some dmc, elden ring (and a super secret project) stuff will be coming soon-ish. Hope you guys aren't too mad ^^'

Plus: my cat! Who has been an old shit but otherwise helpful <3

[youngster-monster]

I KNOW THAT THE DISCORD WIPS ARE A TRAVESTY BUT PRIOR TO THAT THE LAST TIME I OPENED A GOOGLE DOC WAS IN LIKE 2018 TO MAKE AN OC SHEET THAT AMOUNTED TO 100 WORDS AT THE VERY MOST!!!! I DID NOT REALIZE GOOGLE DOCS WAS EVEN AN OPTION I JUST USED IT FOR MY BAD CHARACTER SHEETS

also i cant in good conscience act like the discord wips were ancient history... it is with Shame that i kneel before your askbox and admit that it was in 2020 until like late 2021... after that i realized i could use google docs and now i swear on my life that my fics are organized i SWEAR

ive been hibernating since february (last fic completed let alone worked on Properly) so i am more skeletal than rotted at this point but surely . surely it will come back to me and i will go crazy again

LITERALLY IT IS SO DIFFICULT INTRODUCING CHARACTERS i tried to write oc content recently and it went so bad that i couldnt even stomach the idea of it anymore it is so DIFFICULT but fanfic? fanfic is so much Simpler in my brain. in terms of work i mean because at the point that im writing fanfic about something ive already gone so deep into the lore that i could name 8 niche quest npcs and their full backstory + all of my headcanons in the form of 300 very lengthy discord messages

oh my god. sorry but midway through this ask i just remembered that i still have something of a discord wip channel in use right now, but its not for full works and it IS for snippets. sometimes i have these little ideas in my head but theyre not good enough for a full fic so i just jot em down in a discord channel for (hopefully) later use.... the discord wips will never die

real talk? what you said about any finished work being an accomplishment makes me feel alot better about how irregular my fics are because i end up feeling guilty about how by the time my writers block is over, the fandoms are completely different .. and to be honest when you stop thinking about it it IS kind of funny because theres a. wow fanfiction and b. anime fanfiction. i wonder sometimes if people go to my page and have an aneurysm looking at the fandom list

WII RP???????? WII RP???????????? i wasnt allowed to do really anything with our wii because i was really REALLY young so perhaps this is only insane to me because i never did anything except use the wii to watch pucca in 240p but ON THE WII??????????????????

im going to be wojack pointing at the m3:r wip until the end of time and you can count on that, these two dead elves (and particularly how you write them!!!) have carved themselves into my brain and they refuse to pay rent

2021..... damn bitch you live like this!!

7 months of hibernation... you're getting preserved in a bog it's Fine. I spent a whole year writing Nothing, just rotting mostly, and now look at me ( < not normal) (writing though!)

Fanfics are so easy... and you get other people to bounce stuff off of too like if I crave content I can go yell to my friends about it. For OCs you need Context.... Lore..... who has the time!!! I mean I do I am a known oc enjoyer but still. What work

I do also have the snippet channel. And the snippet notes app. And the snippet google docs. And the snippet paper scraps. And– yeah okay I've escaped the indignity of discord wips but not that of Disorganized WIPs

I'm glad it helped! There's no such thing as 'moving on' for a fandom!!! I know anime fandoms tend to be fast moving but if you let your wip age some more you too can become 'the only person still writing this ship', and profit 😈

Listen. My parents could ground me from using my PC. They could take my DS. But by god they couldn't take away ALL the screens and if I had to point and click my way through writing a post about my sparklewolf daughter of hades then I WOULD. And did!! My wrist will never forgive me

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

all day. My mom hasn't even said sorry.

She didn't greet me at all today, all she did today was bark orders at me, humiliate me and make fun of me.

First thing she said to me wasn't good morning, it was her telling me to do the dishes.

Then she pretty much mocked me and rubbed in my face how useless I was to her and the house.

Then after I snapped and cried and yelled at her she didn't even feel guilty, she just rolled her eyes and ranted to my dad who agreed. She said I'm too sensitive and that I need to learn how to chill. She yelled at me saying that that's why my school thinks I have something wrong with me, and that I cry over amything. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand, she never fucking will.

And than she yells at me to organize socks.

And after all that, she told my brother to tell me to do the dishes. No apology. No I love yous. Nothing.

Ive been unstable all day, physically and mentally. My throat hurts because I'm sick, I've had this headache all day, and I've been having flashbacks and crying all day.

And the icing on top. I HAVE FIELD PRACTICE FOR BAND TMR AND I HAD TO MEMORIZE A TWO PAGE SONG THAT'S HARD AS SHIT FOR SOME PARADE WE'RE DOING AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE ALL OF IT MEMORIZED OR DO I KNOW ALL THE MUSIC. I got it in late January but my mental state has been awful, I've been sick, I've been barley able to play my sax Before my brain has flashbacks or I just break due to stress and I just can't play.

My band teacher is going to be so fucking pissed. But I just. Couldn't. I tried and tried and tried but I just couldn't. The others will be pissed and it's just too much. I'm going to break bro. I tried... I tried, I really did.

I can't believe I'm crying while writing this. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I can't talk to my bestie about this tmr because they're either in a bad mood, skipping class, or fucking high as hell. And I don't trust anybody else.

Heh... I think I get why I call myself The Black Bunny Mask. Day by day. The mask breaks. And my fans see what happens in the mind of Bunny. Heh... I really am just a scary, pathetic, worthless monster everyone sees me as. Only filled with rage and nothing more. The big mean monster. Big and mean. Big... and mean. The only person who fucking matched me, who fucking gave me some use to them was him... Fucking him. He gave me a purpose, something to use and abuse. Is that all I'm good for. I have talent, I'm not stupid. But I get put down so often I forget. I forget why I keep writing. I forget that I write for you guys. So many fans, but only few remind me of that. People who tell me how much they love my work, engage with me, talk to me. I write for them, right... Tomorrow is a another awful day. Just like the rest.

[creacherkeeper]

Happy sleep over Saturday!!

Something that bothers me: my emotional burn out and how I'm wanting to end relationships/interactions because of it (might not be a bad thing, it's just hard to accept)

Something I'm excited about: my drafting table is working again! I get to draw lots of geometric patterns with ease!!

Question: have you played any games you like recently? Ive played lots of farming simulator esk games recently (story of seasons pioneers of olive town, grow song of the ever tree, ooblets, rune factory 5). And love when I just want to focus on them! Do you do anything like that?

Is there something you're looking forward to for you DND campaigns?

bothering: i totally get that. and that's something i struggled with in the past as well. but it's always helpful for me to remember that emotionally mature and caring people will like it when you stick up for your needs and boundaries with them. it makes them feel safer that you'll stick up for yourself and it means they can too. so saying something like "i've been really burnt out lately and it would be great if we could talk about more fun stuff for a while. you can check in if i have spoons if something comes up but i might say no if i just dont have brainpower. i still really care about you i just dont have extra energy to share right now". and if the person is receptive then great! just made the friendship stronger. if they get an attitude about it then, congrats youve just seen that they maybe aren't the best friend for you to have anyway and you can feel less guilty about taking care of yourself when it comes to people like that

exciting: OH THATS GREAT!! i think i had a drawing table when i was like. pretty young? like 12 or so maybe. i never got the hang of it tbh. but im glad you like yours!!! i will remain hunched over my table like a goblin when i draw

question: i've played a few!!! i got a decent ways into baba is you and was having a lot of fun with that. i played through the majority of potion permit (not quite a farming sim but you might like it!!) and that was really cute but i thought they couldve used better romancable options. i replayed what became of edith finch which always makes me insane (major trigger warnings). and right now i'm replaying spiritfarer because i haven't replayed since it came out and it's soooooo good and meaningful and just wrecks me but is also so so sweet and calming

DND campaigns: in lensa (where i'm a player) we're about to go into the feywild and im soooooo excited. i play bo who is a ranger and he has gone so ham preparing and i know we're simply gonna get our shit wrecked so so hard anyway. hollis our dm is so good at playing npcs and i cant wait to meet a bunch of trickys faeries. we're so fucking doomed but im so excited.

in lost township (where i dm) we're starting to get more into pantheon lore and also some messy npc relationships and im so excited. i've really Thrown Their Asses In A Situation and everyone is freaking out and im having such an evil good time

[nerves-nebula]

yeahh my parents have forgotten me too, same with teachers. My one teacher forgot me at school when the rest of the school (it was a school wide field trip) went to a local baseball game. There was a small group of kids left at the school and they put us all in the library, but it was really awkward waiting before a teacher found me and took me to the rest of the kids.

I've been left behind by teachers, I've been left in the hall, left in the car, left at the store. I've gotten good at directions so I could just walk home lol

My father even forgot my age and was telling people I was 2 years older than I was? Even though my parents forgot my birthday before so really they realistically they should have thought I was younger?

People be wild, but benefits of being forgotten is that people have, rarely when I was younger, forgot to ask me to pay for something, so I've gotten free stuff (I don't steal I promise, just when I was younger)

i wouldnt mind if you stole from businesses anyway, im not a fuckin cop. my little sister would wait for a nearby gas station to close up for the night and take home the extra/stale pizza leftovers. they gave it to her cause she was cute and really really good at manipulating people (I love her, shes so cool). i never saw her do it but I think she had a "Hungry Street Urchin" act going on. it wasn't even really an act though, its not like we got enough to eat from mom lmao.

i was terrified of being forgotten/left alone so i always stuck to the group unless i was upset, in which case I'd often intentionally stay behind to see if they remembered me (they usually didn't lol)

i have a very vague amalgamation of memories of waiting to be picked up from a lot of activities (that i usually didn't want to go to anyway) my mom was often late. and sometimes I'd be in the car when she went to pick up one of my siblings and she'd rant about how she was an hour late or something. it doesn't feel good to be the last one left with the coach/teacher or whatever. but i tried not to complain cause i felt guilty that mom was always busy with work.

ive got a very vivid memory of being on a field trip in some kind of waste or water treatment plant, and i was terrified of walking over the metal walkways high above these huge empty bowls where the water would go or something. i tried to follow the group, but just stepping on the see-through walkways made me panic. so instead i hid behind a door until they'd all gone so they couldn't make me. i don't remember who came to get me, but they walked me across the walkway holding my hand while i closed my eyes. i was terrified i'd fall and drown or break my neck or a million other horrific things. sometimes when my dreams get bad i have that same, vivid feeling of standing at the edge of something and knowing im not going to fall off, but feeling like i'm going to DIE if I move.

ANYWAY you're parents kinda sound like shit.

[pacifymebby]

im really happy you were able to have this more intimate moment with work crush and it went all good :) im someone who suffers from ptsd after a terrible relationship so seeing the way you talked about your experience made me really hopefula about trying to get oit ther again.

wishing u and him all the best <3 but sending u a very special hug too 💗

hey lovely sorry this got lost in my inbox, ive been so bad at replying to messages/anons lately!!!

Thank u, i think being kind of blunt about my situation helped a lot in the end and just like, idk, its an ongoing thing and when i get anxious or the ptsd is triggered i just have to say it, and like, its definitely about your partner too i guess in the sense that like the only reason i am able to express myself when im as anxious as i am is because he creates that space for me to do so and is encouraging and never lets me feel bad about it.

I'm glad its made you feel more hopeful about getting out there again, I guess we have to take that little leap of faith and open ourselves up to the possibility of meeting/trusting someone again.

I do have to say I am terrible at taking that leap of faith and even now im still struggling with trust and definitely instinctively bristle against some displays of affection etc... its hard to kinda keep track of yourself and understand your feelings but i think its definitely possible to live with ptsd and have romantic/ intimate relations, its just about taking the time to understand yourself and exactly what you need, and then like, learning to advocate for yourself without feeling guilty.

Wishing you all the best love x

[lostandfoundvocaltrax2005]

December 6th. Evening, at the time of writing this.

i've been thinking a lot lately about… well, no. no, i haven't. it always sits in the back of my mind, it sits and it waits and it waits and it waits and it rots. i've gotten lucky once or twice, getting to talk about the ingrid shit, but its beginning to feel like everything in my head is beginning to rot it from the inside out.

from what i've seen online it seems like ruvies beginning to regret having done the shit he has. and it makes me so fucking mad. i don't think i can fully articulate it. i guess its good he's feeling remorse for what he's done? its like what Velocity said: did it take dying, getting kidnapped and dying again to make him grow a conscience? whatever. fuck him.

i guess i've had too much free time lately, so its making me get in my own head too much because i keep thinking about my old cases. one of my theories is that i'm out of the "honeymoon" phase of all of this, so things have slowed down enough for me to dwell on them.

god enough dancing around it im feeling guilty!!! i feel bad for using people the way i did for my advantage!!! i feel bad for the fact i couldnt do shit!!! people still died and got hurt and i couldnt prevent it! im upset it happened in the first place!!! fuck those suston freaks fuck ingrid fuck afton fuck wammy fuck ayano fuck light fuck eden fuck EVERYONE in chastville i hope they all BURN AND DIE.

except for lilah. i wish i could go back and say im sorry to her. sorry for using her to get into the church and that i didnt really love her. dib too. i wanna tell him im sorry for using him as a diversion so often and that he had to even learn about what was happening, let alone get involved. i wish i could apologize to Kara and those takami host club nutcases.

i dont know how i feel about Corette, honestly. i dont think she deserved to be tormented the way she was but i think saying she didnt deserve some kinda punishment isnt right either considering she effectively lobotomized some other student.

hm. fuck wammy for making the place, fuck the staff for letting this kind of atmosphere breed and grow like mold, and fuck everyone who could've prevented the whole mess. yeah. i guess thats what i wanted to say. but it feels redundant? nothing can be done now that its all said and done. i just hope that Harkness guy doesn't make shit worse.. does he even know about tartarun?? i hope so. from what ive heard so far from that blog wammys running the new residents seem pretty happy with how shits going. god i envy them.

i still wish i understood everyones motives a little better. god i fucking miss Kuroko. the ONE TIME i get a competent handler and i loose her right after because shes a convicted murderer!!!! although, then again, it was because ruvie had died… so.. but why they made me stay with everett and his bitch wife linda after it was all said and done ill never really get.

he's been calling me. he's been sending me letters. he says he misses me and wishes i would call. hes not my dad. hes never been my dad. i dont know why hes doing it. its just like with mills and calling me sofia. he told me he divorced linda and keeps going on about how horrible his exes have been. he said Jasmine was the only good one and how im the only good thing that came from that situation. if you loved her so much why did you kill her.

im so fucking tired. i just want to go to sleep and be over with everything.