#ive been doing so bad lately and thats why i havent been doing much with caecilian

[rxttenfish]

FUCK YESSSSSS FINALLY 50,000 WORDS ON CAECILIAN

even better because i hit this with AARAVI FINALLY GETTING INTO THE WATER GOD FUCKING BLESS

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[itsalwaysdark]

having a midlife crisis atm i think i might start reading [redacted] this is rly scary for me keep me in your thoughts

[kuni-is-daddy]

I just want Scara to be an asshole giving me mixed signals, he sees us one day talking with Dottore and that’s a big no. He’s going to have to show you that your his (please I’m so down bad for this man) 🛐🛐

OMG AAA THAT MADE ME SAD BCUZ I SPECIFICALLY DONT FW DOTTORE BC OF SCARA. BUT THATS WHY HES SUCH A GOOD VILLAIN 😭

Brat.

DOM!Scaramouche x SUB! Female fatui harbinger reader.

Scara fic list

1.2k WORDS. FILTH.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Dottore trying to convince you to antagonize scaramouche and take advantage of him just so he can get off more experiments. Mentioning how its visible that scaramouche has a 'tolerance to you' unlike the rest of the fatui(except his 'bestie' Childe) Scaramouche would overhear this and only this part of the conversation.

Scaramouche would distance himself from you during dinner and missions for the rest of the week. During a gathering to honor childe and La signora for retrieving the geo archons gnosis you'd stand next to him and begin the conversation.

"Kuni? Love? How is your missions going? You've been busy lately and...we really havent had much time to talk. Do you want to catch up at my place after?" Scara had no intention of talking to you for god knows how long because he was truly hurt after seeing you talk to dottore. He started to believe over the course of the days he's been distant to you that you just didnt care, but after hearing 'you've been busy lately' he just assumed that you really we're oblivious. At the thought of it he smirked and then scoffed you off with a "Ok" while you smiled and gave him a one sided hug.

Scara who would purposely leave the gathering early just to wait for you inside your room in your house, Only with a black shirt and shorts on. "Oh- Kuni..Your already..here..I forgot you had a key. I see you made yourself at home" Youd try to brush it off with a laugh but his cold gaze upon you just gave you shivers. He pinned you against the wall and asked you immeditately. "What we're you doing with dottore?"

Smutt:

'Dottore..how did-' "S-scara We're you spying on me?!" he scoffed "Of fucking course i was? Where the hell we're you?! Ive been looking for you for fucking days and then I catch you with that bastard?! Have you forgotten what HE did to me y/n?" "No! No i havent.. Is that what this is about? because i talked to Dottore 1 time your all frustrated like this?" Scara was even more pissed off. first you talk to his enemy then act like its nothing. He was beyond fed up. "Kuni.. please, It was just for work. I would kill him in a heartbeat if it wasn't for our Excellency." "Yeah I know what fucking work you two we're talking about. Taking advantage of me? Huh? is that what you wanted to do Brat." "What?! no Kuni I'd never hurt-" He slammed his hand around your throat "AGh- Kuni-" "how about I take advantage of you huh? You want that?" You knew you were going to get punished anyway, god you despised your job even more. "Y-yes.. Kuni." "Good, that's what I wanted to fucking hear from you brat. Take off your top."

You nervously strip Infront of your s/o after he releases his grip off of your neck, gasping for air. "Shit look at these tits.." he leaned his head towards your chest, looking up at your expression before licking around your boobs. "Kuni~ stop.." you moaned while placing your hand against his smooth hair. "No. I'm going to mark your fucking body so you know your mine. Take it like a good girl." He caressed both of your breasts with his hands while rubbing your nipples with his finger. "K-Kuni! Be gentle..ah..your going too rough~" "shit.. I love how sensitive you are around your breasts. Makes me so hard. Are you wet for me Y/n?" You panned your face away and pouted. He grabbed hard on one of your boobs "AH~ Y-YES KUNI~" "Your so pathetic y/n, I'm trying to take your punishment slow yet you can't even answer for me. Maybe I should take you right now." He pulled away from your chest and moved his fingers down to your pants. You tried to pull away yet only now realizing you we're still against the wall. "Your so..wet y/n....love hearing your body throb for me..just like that.", He bit into the side of your neck, sucking while rubbing his finger against your clit "Scara..please AH~"

"Mmm mmm brat~ don't fucking beg for me now. I don't care about some shit rank, you need to know your worth. How your mine. How your my cocksleve. We're you showing yourself off to that sick fuck? Could he make you moan out like this?" "N-nO master~ I wouldn't..im' all yours~" Kuni's hard on grew though his pants. "Yeah theirs my good girl. Say master again and I'll let you cum on my fingers." His pace became rapid, scara put 2 inside of you as both of your body's jerked back and forth against the wall as if he was fucking you. It was too much, you could feel your heartbeat fastening in your chest, the lewd moans you let out while scara kept moaning praises in your ear "Yeah..just like that. Cum on masters fingers, be my good girl. Y/n. Cum for me. Cum baby."

"M-MASTER AH~ F-FUCK KUNI~" you gripped onto his back hard as you came along his fingers, legs shaking from the burning orgasm you just had. "God..look at how much you came on my fingers." He licked up your juices. "Ugh...you taste so good y/n. So fucking good. Maybe I shouldn't punish you since you did so well." He began picking up your shirt and bra. Up until you got on your knees, sticking your tongue out while pointing towards your mouth. He turned his head and immediately dropped your clothes. "Mmm look at this. And here I was thinking to let out off the hook" he squatted down to your height. Staring at the newfound desperation in your eyes while grabbing your hair.

"I don't care if the tsaritsa herself or the divine wants you against me. You'll only listen to me. And you'll only be mine, Y/N."

[izzyshandz]

I swear if i see one more mf say izzy has been 'redeemed' or needed a 'redemption arc' im literally going to scream into my pillow until i lose my voice.

redeem is such a black and white way of looking at his entire character and dismisses everything hes gone through and yall (izzy haters and others) are just so fucking snob nosed and ignorant to sit there and think hes a villain because of how he acted. theyre fucking pirates. theyre not perfect, none of them are. eds a villain, stedes a villain, if youre doing it like that. ed has killed so many people, stede literally left his wife and kids and also had a hand in killing people; it may be easier for them to change because of the perspective the show gives them and they had love but izzy did not. everyone hated him, ed, his own crew, stedes crew.

normalizing peoples reactions to things as something other than villainy and heroism is so god damn important in a show that's trying to accurately involve our perspectives in this day and age. its a tale as old as time, making someone 'completely in the wrong' because their perspective isnt the one you aligned with as much.

like the rest of the crew izzy had his own bad things hes done, he didnt need this 'redemption' everyones blabbering on about. he needed to be fucking heard, to be seen, and acknowledged-- not thrown aside and abandoned because of a whim. you all can ride up blackbeards ass because oh hes so hot, hes so pretty omg wow; but that wont ever change the fact his character is a fucked up person... youre allowed to love him anyways, why not izzy? we didnt see blackbeard before screen but how hes mentioned it shows he was a shit awful person, the only reason no one cares is because on hes fuckin gay for stede or whatever so the main characters get a free ride. ( i agree they all get a free ride, im just tired of this izzy isolation man )

why does he need to be redeemed in your eyes? just because youve seen what hes done? he was literally a product of his environment in season one he was a product of blackbeard's leadership. only with the loyalty and solidarity of the crew did he really begin to find himself, thats fucking hard to do that late in life. instead of calling it some bullshit black and white redemption arc, lets just celebrate izzy being himself and being fucking loved for once in his god damn life.

hes also way more fucking mature and put together than people give him credit for. love you izzy.

edit: thank you all for the reblogs and insights in every single one, i read them i promise i do. im just so mf heartbroken we have to tag things as discourse when its really just about people not being compassionate. (as a couple people have pointed out) i will said id reblog and comment on every single tag but this is my side </3 EVERYONE PLEASE READ THE REBLOGGED TAGS TOO / / theyre so real ! ive also opened up that ask box thingy i havent been on tumblr in yrs and have 0 clue how any of that works if anyone wants my perspective on anything izzy related. *or otherwise ofmd related

[communist-hatsunemiku]

ive been very tired the past few weeks and ive been kinda kicking myself over it and i need to stop tbh. since i started my current job back in june, every single paycheck ive put in at least 100 hours, often more, i work nights, i work 12 hours shifts, and i work extremely hard because thats the only way i know how.

i havent been taking many nights off and definitely very few nights in a row. And on my days off I don't exactly chill out because there is no one else that is going to get my chores done and take care of my pets for me.

and on top of all that i defintitely had a bad flu the past few weeks that I got directly from the residents i am taking care of and I only actually called into work because of it twice. cuz despite healthcare people often paying lip service and saying "if youre sick stay home!" its implicit that no one is actually suppose to do that. youre not actually sick so come into work.

ive been trying to get caught up on all my bills and debt and a million other things i need money for and I was grinding as much as possible hoping to get out of the hole as fast as possible. And then i'd be like "why do i not have energy for the hobbies i want to do? weird" and mostlty this post is me just actually laying out in text the extremely obvious in hindsight fact that I have been busting my ass at mach speed and I need to slow down cuz i am burning out quick. I woke up earlier to be at work at 6pm and I just could not fucking will myself to do it. I straight up told my job, im going to be a couple hours late and I'm sorry but at least im not calling in.

[tojiscrack]

WIFEYYYYY IMY

i legit have been so proud of myself lately bc i havent been talking to shitbag almost at all. i even waited in my car until he walked up to school bc we both pulled into the lot at the same time and i didnt want him to talk to me!

'i HAD to implement dadjo in the series bc as much as his relationship with the characters in canon was more like a fun older brother looking out for his students, he’s so father coded, specifically during the exchange event in s1 of jjk'

I AM SO HAPPY FOR THIS!!! I LOVE DADJO HCS

'HELP HE’S JUST A GUY WITH A CRUSH 😭'

so was shit bag 💔

but i have decided that if y/n and kamo get tgth and then y/n realizes her true feelings for megumi and breaks up w kamo, i will forgive you. barely.

'girl any more of the y/n criticism from you and i’m gonna start to think you hate our poor mc 🫵🏽😟🫷🏽'

listen. i dont haaaaaate her... yet.

she just gives me SO MUCH SECOND HAND EMBARASSMENT. LIKE HOLY MOLY THIS IS BAD.

'now with that threat, i humbly remind you of the ‘angst’ tag 🌝 no comment on anything after that'

"MERCUPINE IS CANON!" i thrash against my strait jacket as they throw me into the room with the padded walls.

'but unfortunately, at some point from here and up until june, there are gonna be super slow updates :( i’ll address that another time tho! <3'

AWWW DAMNNNN. i hope everything is okay pookie bear 🙏

yk i havent been this in love with a fic since like 2022 when i found a 500k word bakugo fanfic that was literally written like a novel. AND URS IS EXACTLY LIKE IT BRO.

like writer to writer- your exposition is INSANE. being able to develop their friendship when they're only like 5 or so is so cool to me because the initial friendship development is something i struggle with lowk....

BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PLS DONT DIE

'i am (unfortunately) a very picky eater. and i hate peanut butter ☹️'

STAY WITH ME. STAY WITH ME.

this is why we use unsweetened peanut butter protein powder. because, you can make it whatever texture u want and the peanut taste is toned down. and it adds protein to ur meal so u can be buff. (i am a gym bro)

'ik you mention that you guys have mutual friends and are in several gc’s tgth, so maybe blocking him is just not possible here, but giving him clipped responses when he texted and declining face-times is very much possible, i believe'

YEAHHH THATS WHAT IVE BEEN DOING THE PAST FEW DAYS LOL

he doesn't ft me tho which is great. he just sends me tiktoks that i respond to 23 hrs later so he doesn't bitch ab me losing our streak LMAO

'but make sure they’re very simple responses, nothing he can use as an opportunity to build on.'

yeah thats my move rn

'hmmm, this tells me a lot about him already 💀 i’m sorry kay, i do NOT like this imposter who-entered-earth-without-a-visa 😐'

YEAH BRO IDK HOW I EVEN LIKED HIM

like the past few days, the rose tined glasses have been lifted. esp bc one of our mutual friends gave him a kanye west american flag and he keeps posing with it everywhere.

liking kanye is embarassing enough idk why he's doing this too.

it reminds me of the time he trapped me in his car and made me listen to his explanation on why kanye west wasn't a bad guy.

'HAHAHA 😭 i’m dead serious. i don’t like that guy. i even feel like ‘shitbag’ as a name for him is a compliment, if anything.'

lowk ur so right

'do not compare our respectful-nonchalant-dreadhead-kamo to that bin-juice-of-a-human-being-SHITBAG. EVER 🤢'

I MEANT THE WAY WE REACT TO THEM LMAOAOAOAOAO

'did i forget to mention that i DETEST shitbag with my whole entire being?'

no i dont think u mentioned it 🤔🤔🤔

'CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT 🥳 WE LOVE TO SEE IT'

YES MAAAAM

'ok good, you’re not longer texting that unique-breed-of-human-kind, got my first point out of the way real quick. don’t ever text him unless he texts you'

YEPPP

'secondly, niceguy’s available. probably the only thing i agree with shitbag with. you should get with niceguy :)'

okay yeah but like even if im not that close friends w his ex-gf, we're still friends...

and our grade literally has 80 ppl in it so i would rather not do her dirty like that bc she WILL know

and we used to be rlly good friends in middle school

i snap him tho bc we are in fact still friends even if he dated my friend- i mean we have literally known each other for 10 yrs LMAO

'marry fictional men and die in love with them'

i think this is a very good plan. i am currently writing iwaizumi fanfiction bc iwaizumi haijime (27) athletic trainer is all i need rn!

lowk this fic was inspired by liar liar in the sense that i took inspo from how u have it start when they're younger / preshow. i had it start in their first yr so i can develop their friendship before they go straight into love. (i'm ur biggest fan btw)

'i’m not aware of it. even when i looked it up, i was a little confused haha.'

oh my god it's literally like the dumbest cringest game ever but i love it so much. it's an otome dating sim game and it's so nostalgic to me bc i used to play it when i was like 13.

but it's fucked up my sleep schedule bc part of the game is that u have to play the chatrooms before the next one unlocks or the previous one will lock and u have to pay (in game cash) to play it afterwards.

so i have a schedule.

i stay up til 1:52 to play the 1:48 chatroom and then i sleep, wake up at 6:50 for school, play the 3ish AM chatroom before the 8AM chatroom unlocks, and then go to school, play the 8AM chatroom, and continue playing the chatrooms throughout the day.

now let me show u the cringey ass messages these characters send and the cringey ass messages im forced to send (i have to pick through a few options).

LIKE THIS IS SO CRINGE.... BUT I AM FREE.

'but i am super glad you are starting to find enjoyable things to look back on that take you away from the negative doom-cloud that is shitbag! 😙 idek you irl but that genuinely makes me so happy for youuuu <3'

AWWWWWW ILYSM

'i’m living vicariously through you, honestly 😭'

AWWWWW

'THEY CAN STILL BE LONG, I LOVE HEARING ABOUT UR DAY AND STUFF AND GETTING TO KNOW YOU, but i’m glad shitbag will no longer be the centre of our conversations'

okay so lets kiss pls and ty

also have u heard the epic the musical concept album at all? like that one tiktok audio that's like 'i would fall in love with you over and over again'.

bc it's taken over my fyp w emo ass edits and my friends are SICK OF ME

too many satosugu edits w this audio and i'm gonna kms pls and ty

OKAYYYY THAT IS IT FOR TODAY'S UPDATE! I HOPE UR DAY IS AMAZING POOKIE BEAR <3

HELLO AGAIN!! <333

‘i legit have been so proud of myself lately bc i havent been talking to shitbag almost at all’ — I’M SO PROUD OF YOU TOO WHATTT 😭😫 i’m now at ease, we haven’t lost another one of our gorgeous girlies to the m*le species, thank the lord 😤

‘(…) and i didnt want him to talk to me!’ — YEEEESSSS, we’ve made it to that point! 🥳 today is a good day 😌

‘I LOVE DADJO HCS’ — me too 😋 it’s a shame gege didn’t implement this more in canon-jjk, but it is what it is, ig

‘so was shit bag 💔’ — NUH UH 🤨 shitbag is not just a guy with a crush he’s not even a guy at all, that’s an undiscovered breed right there , he’s someone who treats both the girls he likes AND dislikes like dog shit, and i’m not having it 😐

‘if y/n and kamo get tgth and then y/n realises her true feelings for megumi and breaks up w kamo, i will forgive you. barely’ — 🫣 we shall see… 👀

‘listen. i dont haaaaaate her... yet’ — free my poor mc from the shackles of ur scepticism 🤛🏽😔🤜🏽

‘she just gives me SO MUCH SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT’ — you think SHE gives you second hand embarrassment? 😧 girlypops, try reading my levi fic (don’t, actually, i’m just using this as an example haha) , y/n over there is unhinged to the point where second hand embarrassment is literally her middle name 😭

‘"MERCUPINE IS CANON!" i thrash against my strait jacket as they throw me into the room with the padded walls’ — LMAOOOO 😭 DKMMM 💀 technically they are canon (the story is centred around them), and even as the author who could potentially go for the bittersweet type of ending where they don’t end up together, i can easily say (with confidence) that they have a shit ton more chemistry than mermaid and kamotionless 😊

but we'll see how everything goes!

‘AWWW DAMNNNN. i hope everything is okay pookie bear 🙏' — well... i revealed why i had concerns about my (already ass) updating schedule now 👀 ik this ask was sent in a few days before my announcement last night, so ofc you couldn't have known when you sent this in. but now you do! and i appreciate ur support SOOO much. i swear, you have no idea <3

i also responded quite late to this ask 'cause it's quite long, and i like to address every single thing in longer asks so im not purposely missing anything out and then come across as dry haha 🥴

'yk i havent been this in love with a fic since like 2022 when i found a 500k word bakugo fanfic that was literally written like a novel. AND URS IS EXACTLY LIKE IT BRO' — 🥹🥹🥹

ik a lot of ppl complain about long fics, but i can’t help but love them (especially when i’m in the comfort of my own room just reading as i go with all the lights off, no school the next day, no alarm set, etc).

and this… coming my story to a novel? 😩

i’m so unbelievably flattered rn, like i want to grab you through the screen and i can’t ☹️

‘like writer to writer- your exposition is INSANE. being able to develop their friendship when they're only like 5 or so is so cool to me because the initial friendship development is something i struggle with lowk...’ — UGH, STOP IT, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS 😫🩵🩵🩵

MY BPM IS HIGHER THAN NORMAL RN AND I HAVEN’T EVEN EXERCISED TODAY ❤️‍🔥

wishing i was shakespeare rn so i can give you the most poetic response that isn’t just ‘i’m so flattered’, ‘stoppp’, ‘ilysm moreee’, etc. the problem is that i’m always at a loss for words ‘cause of the range of compliments you offer 😭💕

‘STAY WITH ME. STAY WITH ME’ — 🙁 … ☹️ … 🌬️🏃🏽‍♀️‍➡️…🚪

‘this is why we use unsweetened peanut butter protein powder. because, you can make it whatever texture u want and the peanut taste is toned down. and it adds protein to ur meal so u can be buff’ — maybe i’ll try it 😳 i’ve yet to find a protein powder brand that doesn’t make me shit myself + give me acne, but we’ll see! i don’t have really high hopes tho (i’m a picky eater 😔)

‘like the past few days, the rose tined glasses have been lifted’ — the more i read this ask, the more i smile 😋

‘it reminds me of the time he trapped me in his car and made me listen to his explanation on why kanye west wasn't a bad guy’ — UMM?? THAT’S ASSAULT?? HELLO? 😭

ARE YOU OK? NEED A LAWYER? I’M STUDYING LAW, I GOT YOU 😟

‘I MEANT THE WAY WE REACT TO THEM LMAOAOAOAOAO’ — THANK GOD 😔

‘and our grade literally has 80 ppl in it so i would rather not do her dirty like that bc she WILL know. and we used to be rily good friends in middle school’ — mmm, yeah, so maybe not niceguy either. back to the fictional men plan then! (until someone new comes along and meets our high standards for you!) 😋

‘i think this is a very good plan. i am currently writing iwaizumi fanfiction bc iwaizumi haijime (27) athletic trainer is all i need rn!’ — WAIT WAIT WAIT, iwaizumi hajime from haikyuu? LMAO WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU’D BE INTO KAGEYAMA OR SMTH? 😭

HAHAHA I’M DYING, HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING?

‘lowk this fic was inspired by liar liar in the sense that i took inspo from how u have it start when they're younger / preshow. i had it start in their first yr so i can develop their friendship before they go straight into love’ — 😳

a lot of my ao3 readers would tell me that i inspired them to write fics and stuff, but they never tell me what it is about my story that inspired them, yk? so as nice as it is to hear such a thing from them, i never know what exactly about LL got them writing 🙁

BUT THIS? 🥹

i’m so flattered honoured, genuinely. maybe one day, when i can stop scaring myself about reading other people’s works (it’s a genuine irrational fear of mine), i can pick up one of yours and give you the queen!treatment you give me every other day 🥹🩵

‘im ur biggest fan btw)’ — excuse me, DON’T call urself that. we’re friends 👊🏽🤨 (i’m spudding you btw)

‘oh my god it's literally like the dumbest cringest game ever but i love it so much’ — me talking about episode 2015 😀

‘but it's fucked up my sleep schedule bc part of the game is that u have to play the chatrooms before the next one unlocks or the previous one will lock and u have to pay (in game cash) to play it afterwards. so i have a schedule. i stay up til 1:52 to play the 1:48 chatroom and then i sleep, wake up at 6:50 for school, play the 3ish AM chatroom before the 8AM chatroom unlocks, and then go to school, play the 8AM chatroom, and continue playing the chatrooms throughout the day’ — HAHAHAHHAHAA 😭 IDK WHY THIS MADE ME LAUGH LMAOOO, you literally ended up making a whole plan around ur sleeping schedule for this game? 😭 DAMN, how good must it be???

I’M CRYINGGGG THE MESSAGES 😭😭😭

WHEN YOU SAID IT WAS CRINGE, I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS ‘i’d like to tell kay how i feel and make her mine but—’ , ‘you can have me right now!’ TYPE OF CRINGE? HELLO? 😭

I’M CRYINGGGG STOPPP

AND THIS YOOSUNG GUY COMING IN TO PUT IN HIS 2 CENTS IS KILLING MEEEEE 😭

‘omg’ after the zen guy literally declared that you’re his omega LMFAOOO

yoosung’s just a chill guy 😀

‘don’t let the beast inside of me awaken’ — HUH???? 😭

KAY I’M ACTIALLY DYING MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD WTH IS THIS 😭😭😭

THAT’S SUCH A MALAKAI THING OF HIM TO SAY, wait—

👀

your type is literally malakai?

LMFAOOOO KAY X MALAKAI NO WAYYYY 😭😭😭

‘no one dare to touch her 🐺’ — BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAGAHAYAGAHSHSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

PLS HOW DOES Y/N GIVE YOU SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT WHEN ZEN IS RIGHT THERE

kay pls tell me you’re joking. there’s absolutely no way 😭 and you told me all this in CONFIDENCE 💀

‘LIKE THIS IS SO CRINGE.... BUT I AM FREE’ — KAY 😭

self aware queen? 🥴💜

‘also have u heard the epic the musical concept album at all? like that one tiktok audio that's like 'i would fall in love with you over and over again.’ bc it's taken over my typ w emo ass edits and my friends are SICK OF ME’ — HAHAHAHA, no i actually haven’t 😭 so i looked it up just now and i’ve genuinely never heard of it in my life, ever’

‘too many satosugu edits w this audio and i'm gonna kms pls and ty’ — wait that makes sense as to why i haven’t seen it 💀

i don’t ship satosugu 👀 i can hear the shippers coming to bury me alive so my tiktok fyp is obviously gonna be catered towards videos i’ll end up liking and saving, and since i don’t actively search for satosugu edits and like and save them, my fyp is most definitely completely different to yours

hence why i’ve never heard of that audio 😭

but i should be glad! even tho i don’t ship them, i see tragedy in their friendship every time i see scenes of them together, so maybe it’s a good thing i hadn’t seen or heard of the audio before this ☹️

stop now i’m imagining you and zen with this audio HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH 😭

he’d fall in love with you over and over again… and you’d have to make sure the beast inside him doesn’t awaken over and over again 💀

ok i’ll stop 😭

[thedeafprophet]

as a cultural christian, hard agree. I can understand why they only made the christian church a faction, but the inclusion of only christian holidays-based events has never sat right with me. haven't played any exceptional stories, but Firmament went wayyyyyyyyy heavy on [i can't even call it "inspiration" in good faith]

this has been the salt (ha ha the Salt)

the inclusion of only christian holidays was especially so noted in Mask too, which hit extra baffling when they spoke so much on the research they did into other cultures and stood out very prominently to me

Firmament was just. so bad. i dont even know what to say on that, that i havent already said adfkfkgkhkhj. i'd say take a shot every time the game spoke on God and The Lord but i value our livers.

And like i really do feel like its gotten worse lately? There's always been assumptions, with the factions and the scandal reduction and everything, but like, the ambitions were never this bad. Sure the railway had the burrow station, but beyond that it was pretty okay?

and it hits harder because like - they've gotten feedback on this! Surely they must know by now. it comes across as just... not caring at this point. maybe ive gotten too parasocial with a video game akdkfkgkkhj

i wouldn't care as much if it was just a few things here or there, and i guess i can't begrude if its their 'creative vision' and thats the story they want to tell but. i dont know I wish they'd said ahead of time i guess? lmao

[darkniters]

i wrote this in 2021 for cscoop but i will replace coopers name with schlatts. enjoy!

-

"very sorry about having to delay the video again! i'm working really really hard on it, just give me some extra time, and i'll have it up by next week!"

... i feel bad for lying to the fans, but what am i supposed to say in a situation like this. 'oh sorry loyal viewers of the y/c/n youtube channel, ive been a bit busy having a child.'

i hadn't told anyone about her, and i wasn't really planning on it until she was old enough to conveniently walk into my recording studio. i made a really bad decision months ago when i decided to fuck a dude i didn't know, but the outcome was truly someone beautiful.

i sighed and decided that i should maybe try get a video out by next week, so i get off my ass and head to my recording room. however, before i do so i go to my own room to check on my little girl.

she's sleeping peacefully in the dimly lit room, nothing but her soft breathing being heard. i smile, not in a million years would i expect this to happen. when i found out i was pregnant i was mortified, i told nobody, i still haven't, what will they think of me if they found out i just fucked a random dude? i'd be slaughtered for sure. however, when i first lay eyes on her, i knew that she deserved all the love in the world, for she was perfect.

instead of staring at my child for the next hour i decide to finally get out of the room and work on the video i promised. it was already recorded, just editing to do, so the fun parts already over with. instead of wearing headphones, i let the sound come straight from my speakers, with my pc turned down extremely low, just to not disturb my daughters slumber.

the videos not too hard to edit, just a gameplay of castle crashers with the sleep deprived gang. the memories of the recording session rushed back as i was editing, a smile was brought to my face.

"go dude get his ass!' i yell into my mic.

'you're fuckin alive too y/n, help me out here!' schlatt responds 'besides, you were all talk earlier, what was that you said 'ougghhh i'm sooo good at castle crashers i finished all of it on the original xbox, you guys wont get any opportunity to shine.'

the rest of the group laugh as schlatt teases. mika ended up getting the final kill on the boss.

'god, you two tease SO much, why dont you two just fuck already?' mika joked. the group laughed once more, however, i was left thinking... is this really what everyone else thinks? do they know im pregnant? oh god...

'you good y/n? shit was a joke please dont think too much about it. i dont wanna get too many thoughts into your head.' mika interrupts your thought process.

'dont worry moka, i was just thinkin of a good response, since schlatts mouth is a little too full at the moment.' i smile, leading up to a bit, hoping schlatt gets where i'm trying to go with it. i never actually thought of cooper as such, however, the idea was intriguing... i wouldn't say no if he ever asked me out... and with this little dude on the way, itd be a good help.

'my mouths too full? what the fucks that supposed to mean?' schlatt quizzes, surprisingly he doesn't know what i'm leading up to. thats not like jschlatt...

'your mouths filled up with deez nuts dog, jesus christ' you giggle, schlatt groans in response, a bang on his desk being heard over the discord call. once again the other members in the call erupted into laughter.

'how'd you miss that coming, schlatt! i saw that shit from 300 miles away!' aztro struggles to say, her voice filled with laughter.

'surley.' mika simply says.

'look shut up, i'm a bit stup- oH SHIT WATCH YOUR ASSES WE HAVENT SAVED' schlatt yells out, but it's a little bit too late, as each knights health runs to 0.

the video was edited in the span of 3 hours, and with regular checks on the wee doll, everything was going fine.

you let your subscribers know that the video was done and ready to be uploaded with a tweet and youtube community post.

'hey dudes! the videos all ready to upload! see you guys again next week!'

as soon as i posted, likes and quote retweets were flying in. the people in the replies were ecstatic, and all of the dudes were dropping 'welcome backs :D' in the comments.

however, when i saw the response from schlatt, i swear my smile beamed more.

'welcome back fuckhead, we hangin later, yea? awesome, i'll be an hour ;)'

though my smile didn't last, for i looked down to see my daughter in my arms. oh. fuck.

what's schlatt gonna say when he sees you?!

hes gonna think im a whore! oh fuck my friendships gone hes gonna tell everyone, and im just getting feelings for him and everythings goin- woah hold on.

. . .

it sounds so right to say that?

i have feelings... for johnathan jschlatt...

i have feelings for johnathan jschlatt...

i have FEELINGS for JOHNATH okay we get it.

there's definitely a blush on my face, but i gotta put this newly discovered truth to the side, cause this silly little goobers here. what do i do?! i cant just stuff her into a closet! my plans foiled!

aegghhh...

this panic ensures for an hour, until that dreadful moment where theres a knock on the door.

i put her back into my bedroom, hoping that theres a chance that maybe she'll sleep again?

and walk back down the hall...

to the front door...

and slowly pull the handle...

to reveal...

...

schlatt, of course, who else was i expecting.

"schlatty!" i exclaim, pulling him into a tight hug.

"ey, whats up y/n," schlatt responds, return the hug, placing his head atop of mine. "you've been offline for a bit and wanted to see if everythings good. i hope you don't mind me suddenly coming over." he chuckles.

i smile in relief, hes so chill all the time. "don't worry, i've just been a bit.. pre-occupied, i'm perfect as usual dude." i close the door after schlatt, and we both walk into the living room.

theres no shortage of conversations, johnathan talks about how him, mika and pandah recently had a massive clear out, and he found an old glow in the dark ring i won for him in an arcade years ago.

-

"'we're only 20 points away from being able to get anything from the prize counter, come on john, lets play some easy mini games!' a 18 year old y/n replays in your mind.

'you want to get something so bad get your own points... i'll keep watch though cause i know you too well, y/n.' johnathan responds. 'besides, you wouldn't want me to miss if you got something huge, right?'

i stick my tongue out, preparing to spin a wheel with numerous numbers of points on them. it finally lands on 100 points, which definitely isn't the most but it's not the lowest amount either.

'YOOOOO!' you yell in unison, claiming your points.

as we arrive at the counter, i see this glow in the dark ring and decide 'john will hate me for this'

so i purchased it, and jokingly proposed to johnathan. to my surprise, he said yes, and wore it back to his house, his parents question it, i remember. they've been very keen on johnathan and i getting together, ever since we were younger. too bad my plans changed...

as we both kept reminiscing of the past and our food arrived, everything was going quite well. she was silent for majority of the time schlatt was in my home, which is really lucky.

we would occasionally go silent, and during that time i would scan johnathans face. he'd catch me starting from time, and he'd stare at me with forced wider eyes. we'd laugh at this.

unfortunately the moment was ruined, for a small, frail cry could be heard down the hall. at this moment i could feel my soul leave my body FUCK

"dude..." johnathan begins hesitantly. he looks extremely confused. "you.. you fuckin... child dlc?"

you both laugh at the comment, however he still looks lost. the kids probably best not to be left crying, so i head to the room to bring her down the hall. i come back, and his face shows a bit more understanding.

"woah." he gawks. his head relaxing on his shoulders and his muscles un-tensing. a smile is brought to my face.

at this point the small wails from the girl has stopped, her tiny frame in your arms as you sit down next to johnathan, a little closer than last.

"shes my little dude! sorry i didnt really say anything... i didnt want anyone to know, especially the youtube dudes..." at the end i trail off, thinking how stupid that sounds. these guys are some of my closest friends, why would they judge me for something like this?

one of his arms wrap around my shoulder and the other wraps around the little girl in my arms. theres a tranquil smile on his face, as he looks down at her.

"why'd you think hiding something this cool was good idea, y/n? look at her! she's awesome, i'm sure the dudes will love her!" he laughs. he leans his head against mine, and my face grows warm. "still surprised you 'got some' though, yknow what im sayin?" you can feel a faint smile tug your lips.

schlatts finger runs down the childs arm softly, and ends at her hand. he stopped and stared as her tiny fingers gripped around his finger. truth be told, he was astatic that his long time friend had a child. he was so happy to see his friend happy, and to have her here in his arms, and her daughter made everything better.

he loved you.

he kept staring at the little girl in my arms, his eyes unmoving, but there were another set of eyes that were unmoving.

my eyes kept on schlatts face, a dazed smile plastered on both of our faces. unnoticed, i put my hand over johnathans which rested on my shoulder.

his eyes move to look at mine, a shimmer in his eyes as his pupils grow. i study his face, his pasty physique now grazed with a soft pink, and his lips slightly parted. his eyes seem to be doing the same as yours.

his hands turning around to grasp mine, and just now am i noticing how silent the room is, all that is heard is the breathing from the three of us. a nervous smile once again graces my lips, leaning my back into johnathan a little more.

after a couple of more seconds of decision on wether or not this is what we should be doing, our mouths finally meet.

it was a very quick kiss, but we take no time at all to go back for a second, then a third.

and then a fourth.

once finished, we both smiled and looked down, both of our faces a rose like color. johnathans hands still caught by the girl in my arms, and my own.

"i could get used to this." johnathan says after some time, his head leaning into mine. all three of us falling asleep on one another. i hum in response, with a small chuckle coming through. i turn my head and give him another kiss on the cheek, and as i do it his cheeks turn red again. some of his brown hair falls down closer to his face as he looks at me again, simply to return the favor.

his lips are slightly chapped, but still feel soft and perfect against yours, he parts first, feeling his finger finally being let go. she had fallen asleep.

"my fingers sweaty... euch" he whispers, making a grossed out noise at the end. he leaned back into you. "love you."

i feel hot again.

"love you too johnathan."

-

this story was better when it wasnt jschlatt dont care hope you enjoyed

[outlawtornn]

yapping about the outsiders x amrev

Okay so first off, not replacing any characters, obviously. Im thinking the aides are their own seperate little group that just hang around one another. Not an actual gang like the shepard gang but more how the main characters run; just a group thats independent, but willing to stick up for one another. Ive decided that if i ever do something with this god forsaken AU its genuinely just gonna be mostly seperate from the main plot because none of the aides themselves would be socs and so the plot wouldnt even be relevant until the very end.(I have been thinking of making Lafayette a soc or something. Just for the fuck of it to test some limits to hamilton, laurens, and laf's friendship with the whole bob thing ehe!)

But for the sake of this AU, theyre all aged into their 20s except for Washington. Its just easier than having 60 year olds street fighting.

Right, so characters! I havent thought much on other aides BUT i have thought VERY heavily on Laurens and Hamilton, obviously. So, starting with Laurens. Hes literally the same. Hes just as impulsive as he is during his time period if not worse. Hes given more opportunities to fight and he takes every. single. one. I would say hes similar to Dally but really he isnt. He'll get in a fistfight every week or so but nothing serious enough he ends up in jail. His relationship with HL is kind if rocky, too. They moved from SC to fucking oklahoma and John is not too happy about the move, for one, and his father isnt happy that Laurens turned into a 'hood.' Mainly, he just wont sleep at his own house. He'll crash at Meade's place or maybe Hamilton's run down, abandoned little house if he has to. HL isnt abusive or anything he just doesnt like living with so many siblings while his father goes on and on about how hes a bad influence. Not helping that he has a new bruise or cut every time he vists but i digress, John is basically a 'watered down' dally.

Righttt, Hamilton! Yeah, born in NYC, mom died, got too expensive, so he moved to good ol Oklahoma without his dad. I may just say he works at DX with Soda and whatnot because while the aides arent needed for the plot, i want them to feel a lil somethin somethin when everything goes down in the book and having a relation to both Soda and Steve would at least make Hamilton feel a bit bad and maybe even convince him to fight in the rumble at the end. Laurens and him arent really officially dating either. Theyre technically exclusive, but they never really talked about it and kind of just say theyre there to keep each other in check. Neither of them really want to confront any of their emotions towards anything so they settle for hamilton lovingly scolding laurens every time he gets in a fight and sharing 'no homo' kisses. Yeah and he lives in this run down house that he doesnt pay for and he has to drop by Meade's place whenever cops come searching for anyone living in there because i need him to be a little bit pathetic.

The rest of the aides are primarily undecided, if im being honest. Meade's parents are still alive from what I know and the other aides either stay at their own house or crash at Meade's, but Laurens is usually taking up the couch on most nights as does Hamilton. Most of the other aides arent big fighters really, theyre just trying to make it through college/day to day jobs. Washington kind of watches over all of them, like an unofficial father to their lil gang. They just hang around him and he frequently scolds them all for misbehaving. Hes like darry but older i guess. (Hes like, in his late 40's in this AU.)

Oh, and kinloch is there because i said so! If anything, he gives me major soc vibes and i primarily think he is why Laurens has such a knack for starting fights with socs for no reason. They were some weird ass situationship and they had an unofficial breakup that Laurens is still extremely salty over. Francis totally went for his neck during the rumble btw and they hate each other and laurens still tries to start fights with him whenever he sees him.

Though, Lafayette is also pretty undecided. I want him to be a greaser but at the same time i think him being a soc would test the limits of him and laurens' friendship while also he and hamilton's friendship. Laurens because obviously, francis. Hamilton because he saw how the socs affected soda, steve, etc and he feels bad for them, but also Lafayette would be dead set that Johnny is a murderer because he needs to stick up for the socs to stay loyal.

Now lets talk about the rumble! I think only some of the aides would get involved, really. Hamilton would because he saw how johnny affected steve and soda, Laurens because he just wants to fight, and the two dragged along Tilghman and Harrison because theyre strong enough to do some genuine damage. The rest of them just dont want to be involved in all of that and think its easier to just not get hurt.(Meade tags along but stands off to the side just to make sure no one gets seriously injured. He has change ready for a pay phone in case he needs to call up washington.)

Now, what i think would be interesting is their reaction to Dally's death. Im saying Laurens wouldve heard his name, as would all of the greasers, really. So their entire gang would know his name, but im mainly thinking about Laurens for this one because id like to think that he kind of looked up to him in some fucked up way? Not really looked up to, but more so respected. I feel like with Ham telling him about how Soda and Steve reacted and how they act at the DX afterwards would really fuck with him too and id like to think hed drop by the curtis house or some shit to say that he thought dally was a cool guy or something.

Yeah, anyway this is all pretty rough in terms of what the fuck im yapping about i just spat out every word that came to mind.

[bfish]

Hi! Idk why I’m telling you this here, when I could just as well comment on ao3 (which I did, do, already). But this feels more important, and I just wanted to convey so bad how much A Man Passing Between Two Bombs Told Me touched me.

I’m not a sad person (and I hope you’re not, but if you are I hope you’re not alone). I don’t usually cry over books or whatever some such. But that story. It ripped something in me, or showed me a hole in my heart I never knew existed. It wasn’t painful so much as beautiful in its absence. Like staring in the galaxy, the abyss and crying — not because it’s sad but because it’s empty and infinite.

Like… reading this (once, twice, three times) made me cry. Every time. And I smiled, I was smiling that small, secret, inescapable smile you make when you don’t know how else to react but can’t stop the tears from flowing.

I think it was beautiful. In its prose, in its composition, in its characters… it will haunt me, like the ghost of an old love you can’t even regret because every single instant was worth the pain.

(… if I am to ask a question — I have no idea what kind of etiquette tumblr demands, nor how to interact with strangers on the internet, I am, for the most part, a lurker — will you be my friend?)

hi !!!!!!!!!!! sorry this is a month late .

ive actually been thinking about your ask every day but ive been so busy and losing my mind and only online for five minutes daily and i forgot to get back to you .thank you for taking the time to read the fic, comment and write to me !!! im happy you liked it, that means a lot to me :') unfortunately for all involved i am very sad and very alone .this fic was really personal, mostly because i dont know how to write things that i havent been through/have not happened to me, but also because the entire document was literally me writing whenever i needed to say things and had no one to talk to, which is very miserable and sad to think about but in a funny type of way (to me at least) .im trying to talk to people now . or at least leave my house. it's sort of working, i think. i just want to say that i am glad it made you feel something . thats important to me when i make art so ! i appreciate you writing to me about it . sorry for making you cry. but its kind of like hmmmm we are sitting together so its okay to cry. its kind of like that ←saying nonsense but also meaning it . again, i'm really glad you liked it. i wrote it over ten months, because half the time i was staring at the doc and not actually writing it, and i wasnt going to share it because my target audience is always me and i was like who else would want to read about heart failure funtimes, so i continue to be surpised whenever someones like hey ! this fic. like ohhh yeah hi .i like mu qing and i like making him cry and i like oversharing in fic form on the internet . all normal stuff .sorry this is incoherent i havent slept properly in about two months (uni, u know how it is) but ! if you dont mind my very, very . very slow replies ! please feel free to dm me anytime :) i'd love to talk !

[thisisegregiouuuus]

ok i was gonna make a post abt my rh oc kitty but i got distracted like usual so i gotta say 2 THINGS!!!

first of all, im kind of getting back into warrior cats...not rlly the books, but moreso the game clangen which im legit obsessed with, and its kind of similar to how i act w royale high. ill randomly be like 'oh hey i havent been on clangen in a while' so i hop on, get attatched to it for a week or 2 at most, and then wham bam thank you MAM!!! im sick of it and leave

but rn im back on it! and im kiiinnndddd of maaaaybbeeee considering starting a new clan and recording the events and stuff on a new blog/account/idk whatever thingy here on tumblr (for the billionth time... bc u have NOOOOO idea how many times ive started a new clan, been like 'oh yeah, this is the one', documented it for ages, then just gave up on it. i probably have like 10 random google docs floating around that are documenting random stuff in random clans </3) so yeah, idk if its gonna happen, especially bc i kind of need to focus on school rn, so idk. i might leave it to do it on the holidays but who knows if ill still be interested by then....theres always too much things going on around me and in my brain for me to even keep up

and also if anyone was wondering, yes i kind of am into warrior cats, i useed to love it as a kid and i still do. i remember playing the old roblox roleplay game back when it was just like rlly shitty cylinder morphs of cats back in grade 8 but let me tell u....the poor quality just added the more fun and charm to it. not even kidding, i loved it so much. i literally would stay up every single night so late just to rp, that game used to be my life, like i cant put into words how much i loved that game. every night i played the warrior cats rp game, that would be the highlight of my day, or the thing i was most esxcited abt after school was over. but things are different now, dont get me wrong the new and improved version of the game is rlly impressive, but ill always miss the good old days with the bad morphs of the cats </3 they will always hold a dear place in my heart, and same with all the fun and memories i made playing that game

also bc of how often i used to rp i became like a pro, like i was rlly confident and everything came naturally, but now ive left it for too long, i havent roleplayed in what feels like a billion years, and im hella rusty </3 it rlly sucks bc rn id love love looooveeee to get back into roleplaying on roblox. even if it isnt on warrior cats, id be happy, i just miss roleplaying in general

anyway im going soo off course rn. i did read the warriors books as a kid but i didnt rlly read the series in order tbh, like i remember reading into the wild, but thats it. otherwise id only read the special edition books lmao, idk why but i did and i loved them, and even tho i basically didnt follow the chronological story line, i still loved warrior cats sm

anyway that abt does it for the whole warrior cats stuff. idk where its gonna go from here but for now ill just enjoy clangen as is

and now that i said all that i cant be bothered mentioning the second thing lmao. its legit almost 2am im not even kidding, and i have to wake up at like 9am </3

sorry for any spelling mistakes and stuff btw this isnt proof read

[dailyoyo]

thabk yoi a lot dailyoyo your brains are very compelling to me it kind of makes me want to study you like ants . i quote you all the time like i tell my friends " i stole this sentiment / headcanon from a deranged yoyo tumblr account " . you are aspirational really Truly we need more dailyoyos in the world i cant stop thinking about lawyer yoyo now .... also i beg for more dissecting of yoyo and mew dynamics if ur Into That . theuve always been really interesting to me but honestly like 4 pieces of canonexist in jsr ever so

VERY DELIGHTFUL ASK TO GET. i love to hear that i have had a net impact in making people get weirder. its so important to me. making the jsr fandom worse one post at a time <3

a lot of the way i post in here is inspired by both my friends but also some of the crazy bitches (affectionate) ive seen around over in the dragon ball z fandom in particular, but really i think ANYONE in the world no matter the fandom has the god-given right to tear characters apart with their teeth and make them fail as fuck and really really really sick in the head in ways they were probably not intended to be read as in canon. Everypony out there get eviler!!!!!!!!!!!! Now.

IM GLAD YOU LIKE LAWYER YOYO I THINK ABOUT HIM A LOT TOO. hes fascinating to me in that like hes technically not a Bad Ending (MOST of that au technically isnt!) and yet objectively he is a worse outcome because in regular(paradox) canon theres an avenue for yoyo to heal and become less bastardous. because like he has genuine friends and positive interactions and reasons to Want to be more than a self serving shithead. and also hes 16 of course hes an asshole hes 16.

but with lawyer yoyo its like. Its too late. He grew up and he stayed like that and he does not care to change and he has no impetus to change. hes definitely living a safer and more comfortable life and he has much higher self-esteem but he is Staying dead inside. Like ok regular yoyo and lawyer yoyo are both mentally at the bottom of basically the same exact well but lawyer yoyo was like "fuck it" and built a house down there. do you get me

Oh fuck this post is getting so long and i havent even talked about mew and yoyo yet.

okay so liek. beat was yoyo's first proper Friend in the ggs (as opposed to "just tolerating him being around"). because beat kind of totally fell for yoyo's whole harmless schtick lmao. but mew was the first Real Friend in that she picked up on how much of a fake fuck yoyo was and decided to hang out with him anyway.

which. ADMITTEDLY. this was originally BECAUSE she was fascinated by yoyo being so insincere (for a while he was also really playing up the "ohoho i'm TOOOTALLY not a double agent" thing for shits and giggles even though he literally wasnt.). and as previously mentioned yoyo had a crush on her which is why he didnt realize mew could see right through him. honestly for a while he kind of thought he had totally had her under his thumb but the whole time mew was like "Awww hehe he thinks im only hanging out with him because of his manipulations, thats so cute ^_^" (<- DERANGED)

and in a way while they were already friends their friendship didnt Truly start until after yoyo confessed his love and was rejected. because like the whole thing was kind of a wakeup call for yoyo - mew had noticed his feelings all along and was waiting for him to say something Just to reject him, and like among normal people that would probably be a lot more hurtful but in that circumstance it was like... she'd outplayed him. easily. and he didn't even notice, but she's still here anyway. and she still wants to hang out with him even though she can tell the kind of person he is.

because the thing is like. mew may play up her innocence and naivety but she IS genuinely kind at heart. a lot of her strange desire to examine nasty people under a microscope is because of her desire to see the humanity in everyone, to understand Why people do the things they do. and she's not under any illusions that she can """Fix Him""", god knows she's not sure she can even "fix" herself, but she saw yoyo for what he was and could respect the survival mechanisms at play for what they were. (this is also why mew was so immediately like "idk Yoyo doesn't seem like that kind of person..." when the nt-3000 thing happened because. like. she Understood his modus operandi and that simply Wasn't It.)

and like when youre the kind of person who thinks that as soon as someone sees under your mask that they'll want you dead in a ditch, knowing someone who recognizes your mask and is just like "oh cool, i got one too" is kind of world-shaking. paradoxically them recognizing each others' insincerity makes them be a lot more sincere with each other.

Oh fuck this post long as hell. yoy

[thelarsvolta96]

post about life lately

this is gonna be a long one so buckle up i guess. just wanted to explain why ive been gone and rarely active lately.

so ive been in and out of the ER lately, my most recent stay being 5 days long, because ive been having severe digestion issues and pain to the point where i couldnt eat or drink anything because it would just come right back up. my mental health has been down the fuckin drain lately as well. and i have no funds or health insurance to get help with any of this. thankfully before my ER visit i scheduled a mental health visit for tomorrow, which i totally forgot about until they emailed me asking for paperwork. but my follow up for my physical health isnt until october 3rd, and thats just to establish care, i doubt ill get any answers there. in the meantime ive lost 20 lbs without meaning to or trying, just because i cant eat very much at all. im somewhat convinced that i cant eat beef or gluten at all, and any time i eat a leafy veggie or something like broccoli that causes me intense pain and discomfort as well. but i dont know. i need to get allergy testing done and whatever other testing they can do on me. they did an upper endoscopy on me at the hospital and said i had "minor gastritis" which is ridiculous because of course its gonna look minor when i havent eaten in a week. i havent even been aggravating it. i dont know what to do. for now im eating what little i can and conserving my energy. im just so lost. not to mention my mental health just constantly spiraling, im sure in part due to me not getting the nutrients i need and also because i just feel so sick constantly.

the drs at the ER kept saying they think its cannabinoid hyperemesis, which i think is pretty bullshit, but they say the symptoms can last up to 6 months after ur last use. so i guess im gonna be off the weed until the end of march to see if thats really whats causing all of this. im hoping ill get a different diagnosis from the drs im able to see, but i dont know if i will. i just have to play it safe. unfortunately, the weed was like the single best helper for my physical pain from just existing as well as for eating food, so my appetite is basically nonexistent at this point as it has been for well over a decade now, only now i have no way to stimulate it. so now im in constant pain, constantly tired, constantly feeling sick. its hell.

anyway, im trying to keep a list of trigger foods, and so far its been any beef, and ive had a hard time with saltine crackers and pretzels. ive eaten chicken and rice alright, i was even bad and ate some french fries with sauce the other day and that was ok. hence my thinking that gluten might be fucking with me. but i have no idea. im just so distraught. i want answers. i need to be able to live my life.

i guess thats pretty much everything. hopefully i wont disappear for a large length of time again. sorry everybody

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired