#ive been daydreaming this the past few days

[wribbles]

Adopted brothers izuku & hitoshi - fell in love at young age -> become boyfriends (yes, incest)

Parents Erasermic are concerned but ultimately accepting, mostly just impressing on the boys that their relationship stays secret/hidden bc other ppl and society at large probably wouldnt take their relationship very well (what with it being "taboo" and people not reacting well to others being Different)

The boys do so, tho ofc they eventually get caught here and there (Midnight, nedzu, todoroki shouto, kaminari denki, all over time)

Eventually the boys make a plan w todoroki where shouto will fake date izuku and be his beard to give the aizawa boys an alibi and cover. (Shouto is aroace and it was half his idea.) They all move in together when graduated & tododeku is known to the public while the shindeku is not (as desired)

Eventually (nearly 10 years after the b/g of the fake date ~16/17yo) shouto proposes marriage to izuku (bc it feels about time they do or ppl will start getting curious), and the idea of marrying sho when he cant marry hitoshi upsets izuku until he gets together w shouta-dad and they decide on having a small intimate shindeku wedding ceremony (no paperwork but yes vows) before the big public tododeku one.

(They will have wedding necklaces instead of rings - maybe chain & pearl/stone bead?)

Kaminari (who found out when hitoshi vented to him while very drunk lol) is toshi's best man and shouto is izuku's. Kaminari is fine w the incest thing bc 1) hes a cery chill guy 2) he loves his friends more than anything 3) they were always pretty close in school so he supposes it makes sense but 4) he hasnt fully processed the situation yet lol (he'll still be fine after but it hasnt entirely hit, hes just going w the flow)

[skitskatdacat63]

Why do I say things like this. Like what was the need. Why do I feel the need to jinx myself. What was the reason.

[thoughts-44]

recording my progress!! @adambja instant manifesting & dream life tapes. (may be a bit unorganised😭)

day 1

- i was unsure about which degree to choose for uni (between psychology/medicine), not hours later i received personal advice from a doctor!

- feeling more secure & feel less struggle with maladaptive daydreaming (lifelong addiction), feeling more calm and neutral about circumstances

day 2

- multiple dreams, weirrddd dreams😭😭 , but i perceived myself with my desired body so ig thats a good sign. i notice myself becoming more productive and present, less double-minded and more confident. i understand the law better and feel less victimised by my reality.

- more followers + interactions on social media accounts

- feeling more in control of my body

day 3

- before i went to bed i commanded my subconscious to let me enter the void, minutes later i entered it but only realised after i left

- someone told me they had the same exact dream i had?? dk what that means but its never happened to me before😭

- refraining from maladaptive daydreaming more and more which is a good sign as it prevents me from staying present!

- believing my affirmations more, feeling more attractive/confident

- was supposed to meet my friends today but i couldnt be asked😭😭 so i manifested the cancellation of it🙈

- more interaction on social media accounts

day 4 - didnt listen but

- feeling more magnetic/ getting stares/ random ppl offering to help me

- staying present

day 5

- my mum telling me abt loass concepts which is unusual to me as shes a heavily religious woman

- my sister recovering from her blood infection

- a bit silly but no ads when reading episode 😂

- again feeling more in control of myself

- more interaction on social media

day 6

- lucid dreamt + had weird vivid dreams

- less/no wavering when manifesting

- some instant manifestations (personal)

day 7

- weird vivid dreams, feel relaxed

- kinda fell into the habit of maladaptive daydreaming again (for multiple hours🙈) but not discouraged

day 8

- weird dreams

- sister got discharged from the hospital early (instant manifestation)

- received money (instant)

day 9

- more instant manifestations

- vivid dreams are becoming the norm & nearly lucid dreamt today

- someone told me they saw me as my future self being a famous psychiatrist in their dream (i assume its confirmation to pursue my desired course at uni)

day 10,11,12 - forgot to update🙈

day 13

not rlly tape related but i saw kaytranada, lancey, victoria monet, tems and thundercat at a festival!!! had a great time honestly and got a lot of compliments + free drinks 😉

day 14

- old ibsf who i havent spoken to in like 5 years broke no-contact

day 15

- was supposed to go out > got the event cancelled

day 16,17 - no major updates

day 18

- sister released from hospital again

day 19

- major clarifying dreams

haven’t updated in the past few weeks bc ive been busy with school starting again but this tape has revealed many things to me! normally i struggle to notice my autopilot thoughts (mirroring negative circumstances) but since listening i’ve been more in control of myself; to counteract them i think in my favour = as a result i materialise things instantly.

but from now on ill only update if something v significant pops up 😊

[angelwings-crossbowstrings]

Whumpuary Day 25-26 & 29-31

Prompts: Can’t stay awake | “You’re safe.”

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Drugging, Overdose, Allusions to past child abuse

gif by @daryl-dixon-daydreams

“What the fuck are you doing?!” You shouted, keeping your eyes on Daryl while Tomi loudly rummaged through cabinets and drawers behind you. “Daryl. Daryl, stay awake.”

“M’tired.” The archer mumbled, eyelids heavy, breaths slowing before your eyes. 

“Tomi!” You snapped again. 

“They injected him with some sort of opioid. I need narcan.” Things were flying around, hitting the floor as the surgeon continued his frantic search. “How’s his breathing?”

“Too slow.” You shook Daryl again. Each time he responded, you felt a short lived relief but it never lasted long. “Daryl, stay with me. Look at me.”

“Y/N…tired…”

“I know but you can’t sleep.” Those normally sharp blues were dull, his pupils contracted to barely there black dots inside the pale cerulean. His eyes closed, head lolling forward. “Daryl? Daryl!” He inhaled sharply, giving you hope that he might regain a normal breathing pattern. 

He didn’t. 

“Can’t…can’t stay…”

“You have to. Just for a few more minutes okay?” You hadn’t seen when the man had used the syringe, only catching Daryl yanking it from his neck to angrily toss it aside before plunging his knife through the attacker’s skull. It wasn’t even a minute before the archer staggered back against the wall and slid down to where he still sat. “Tomi!” When Daryl’s eyes closed this time, he didn’t reopen them. 

“I’m trying!”

“Daryl!” His breaths were further and further apart, agonizing torture to know that one would eventually be his last. 

“If he stops breathing, you need to breathe for him.”

“Al-alright.” You could do that. You placed two fingers to his neck, counting the beats over and over, witnessing that number fall each time. “Please, please.”

“Got it!” Tomi dropped down beside the archer, foregoing any measure of sterilizing to just jab the needle into the muscle of Daryl’s bicep. 

“What now?”

“We wait. He never stopped breathing. The narcan should level him out enough to move him safely.” The nod you gave was curt and unbidden, your sole focus was the rise and fall of Daryl’s chest. “Okay. Okay, good. It’s picking up. I’ll get a stretcher. Keep watching his breathing.” Another nod. 

“Daryl, can you hear me?” Unresponsive. At least each breath was coming in at a slow, but steady pace. You could work with that for now. The wheels of the stretcher were loud in the otherwise empty hospital.

“Vitals are stable for now. I grabbed all the narcan but we need to have access to intubation supplies and IV fluids.” At your confused expression, he added, “I’ll need to insert a tube to help him breathe for a while if he struggles to on his own.”

You nodded calmly before the two of you struggled and fumbled to get Daryl onto the stretcher. Truthfully, the thought of Daryl needing a machine to keep breathing was horrifying. For that moment, you just continued to watch his chest, breaths remaining steady and unlabored. 

It took only moments for an IV to be inserted and fluids to begin running into the archer’s hand. His breathing slowed only once more and one last dose of narcan was administered. 

Hours later, Tomi concluded that Daryl was out of danger and would likely wake up at any moment. So you waited, instinctively listening for danger as employees returned to the hospital, the walkers having been cleared as well as the living threats, thanks in part to the man on the bed in front of you. 

You couldn’t wait to get him home and sleep for at least a day, snug against his side with your head over his heart, able to hear each beat and feel each breath. 

Finally, his fingers twitched in your hold, his head rolling back and forth on the pillow, face scrunching. 

“Daryl?” You stood, leaning over him. He hated hospitals. The memories of so many visits when he was a child, broken bones and open wounds at the hands of his father. You wanted to be the first person he saw and heard, in hopes of easing that anxiety. 

His eyes were clouded, tired and unfocused, when they finally landed on you. “Where ‘m I?” He slurred, still appearing to be exhausted and slightly influenced by the drug working its way through his system. 

“You’re in the hospital. You’re safe and you’re gonna be okay.” You squeezed his hand, smiling when he weakly reciprocated. 

“Tell me what happened?” His eyes were already trying to close, most likely without his permission but leaving him with no choice. 

“When you wake up. I’ll tell you everything when you wake up.”

Daryl hummed and inhaled deeply before settling into a peaceful sleep; one you didn’t fear and from which you knew he would wake. For now, though, you’d rest your head on the hand holding his and count his breaths like counting sheep until you joined him in blissful unawareness. 

[likeadevils]

what songs from TTPD and TA are now yours? Which ones have spoken to you the most?

songs that are genuinely MINE

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus: i cried myself to sleep listening to this song on repeat on release night and for the life of me i cant tell you why. i think it’s a great example of her being older really deepening her writing— just that old scarred over longing of a possible life, a possible love, too far away to reach but close enough to brush past. also, the double edged sword of “if you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say’ i loved you the way that you were’”— you loved me before i’d twisted myself into the shape i am now in order to keep my current partner, but also, you loved me the way i was, not the way i am now

i look in peoples windows: i wrote a poem with the line “im afflicted by the not knowing” in it!! inspired by the outside!! and by spending so much of my childhood reading by moonlight and spying on my neighbors through their windows!!! it was called where midnight lives!!! what the fuck!!!

robin: another song i sobbed hysterically to. i was a strange little violent child obsessed with dinosaurs it feels like a lullaby someone made specifically about 3 year old me.

songs that i’m obsessed with:

but daddy i love him: the bridge is just so fun to scream along to. everytime ive been in a car since the album came out ive played this at least two times just cause

fresh out the slammer: it’s just. the first verse??? the way the song stutters apart for the last verse??? this song takes the blurry muse conceit of the album and uses it to its fullest. also just the diminishing returns from “but its gonna be alright, i did my time”

i can do it with a broken heart: my first listen favorite

the smallest man who ever lived: the bridge????? the bridge???? the bridge???? a few of the negative reviews specifically mentioned this song as boring and for a millisecond i was so angry i could’ve exploded

the black dog: this is like, the platonic ideal of a taylor swift song to me. just that old quiet tragedy she can build out of little moments of hoping your ex will remember you when they hear your favorite song or not having known your last kiss was your last kiss or your ex still sharing their location with you. like, it’s just her at her best, but with the maturity to sing “and you jump up, but she’s too young to know this song”

i hate it here: people have talked about seeing reputation in the anthology but i think you can also see so much debut and it makes me feel so tender. also i genuinely don’t understand why people don’t like “if chose the 1830s but without all the racists” like?? it’s supposed to be a bit clunky?? the songs about the limits of escapism?? the line enhances both of those themes?? also “i’m there most of the year” is such a funny devastating relatable lyric to say about a daydream

thank you aimee: it’s not every day a song inspires you to send this message about something a child did to you (fuck you madeline!!! fuck you jessie!!!)

the bolter: avoidant attachment representation!!! i love that it takes the stuff she hated about herself in the archer and just accepts and loves them and appreciates what they’ve given her. i especially love it because bolt can mean like, crossbow bolts, so it’s a flip on the archer. also “bolt” is one of my favorite words i love all the different meanings

“the only thing that’s left is the manuscript, one less souvenir from my trip to your shores, now and then i re-read the manuscript, but the story isnt mine anymore” also just had me sobbing. there’s just. wtf!!!!!!

[jaemified]

world of my own - kwon soonyoung

track 001 - “you ever wonder what couldve happened if what hadnt happened, happened?”

pairing ; best friends kwon soonyoung x fem reader

genre ; romance, (kinda?) angst, unreciprocated love, starcrossed lovers, right person wrong time, multiverse, very very VERY vaguely inspired by alice in wonderland (and kindaa in a way wandavision)

warnings ; swearing, y/n daydreams a lot, too little too late 😞😞

wordcount ; 1.2k

synopsis ; in a place which you fall into your own dreamland with the one who was meant to be the love of your life, the discussion gets highly theoretical (and not to mention, emotional)

note - counterfactual thinking whoo cz im minoring in econ wooo

read below the cut !

youd be lying if you said you hadnt thought of him in that way.

i mean, how could you not?

kwon soonyoung. he’s perfect inside and out. such a sweetheart, kindest person you’d ever met.

but, he had been rather distant lately.

it was almost a miracle he reached out to you.

of course, you were curious as to why, especially since it was so out of the blue. but you held your tongue.

so, he called you out to your favorite park, sitting under the big willow tree you two always spent the summers under when you were much younger, counting the stars and watching the hours tick by.

the tree was so old now, seeing as it had been around long before both of your guys’ parents were.

soonyoung jumped up from his spot to greet you with a nice hug, “glad you came.” he said as he pressed his lips into a smile.

“course i did. we’re meant to stay together arent we?”

he sat down on the blanket which lined up with the old tree trunk, resting his back up against it.

a few moments of silence passed before you spoke up.

“why did you call me here?” you queried as you examined the tree, brushing your fingers over the now faint initials both you and soonyoung carved into the trunk.

“just wanted to spend time with you, genuinely. i know ive been distant and i can’t make up for the time wasted, but i can end the pattern now, you know.”

“id doubt you’d call me here of all places just to ‘talk’.” you scoffed.

“just missed you is all.” he mumbled as he pulled you into a side hug, letting his head rest in the space between your shoulder and neck.

“missed you too. more than youd realize.” you replied back, keeping the last bit to yourself.

though you grew distant despite being inseparable until two years ago, you could never grow a grudge against him.

so you thought.

but, here you two were. spending the day talking under that same tree just like how you spent most of your childhood.

you caught each other up through a recap of your last few years, until sundown, when soonyoung asked of a pretty theoretical question.

“you ever wonder what couldve happened if what hadnt happened, happened?”

you stared blankly at him, blinking mindlessly.

you were still like that for a good few seconds, before muttering a quick “what?”.

“do you ever think about what couldve happened if things were different between us?” he rephrased.

“oh. as much as id hate to admit it, i do. or did. imagining about what could and couldnt be. but the past is in the past, and what happened can’t be undone.” you explained to soonyoungs curious eyes.

“what did you imagine we could’ve been?” he asked so nonchalantly, with little to no hesitation required.

“what?”

“in a world where things worked out, what couldve happened to you and me?” soonyoung asked once more.

“i..” you droned off.

“you don’t have to answer now,” he began with a soothing voice, “just think about it. and tell me what happens when we wake up.”

with that, soonyoung laid his back directly onto the ground with his folded up sweater to act as a pillow.

he pulled you to rest on his chest, wrapping an arm tight around your waist.

you tried getting up, only to be pulled back down. “soonyoung..”

“please? stay with me just this once.”

“i have to go.”

“just one more time before i have to leave for good? i don’t know when ill get to see you next. i don’t know where we’ll stand after today.”

you sighed in defeat, before sitting back down and resting into soonyoungs chest once more.

“just this once..” you mumbled, before drifting off into your indefinite state of slumber.

“in a world where things worked out, what couldve happened to you and me?”

soonyoungs words continuously ran across your mind, coursing through your thoughts endlessly, even in your sleep.

you were always quite the heavy sleeper, it was no wonder your dreams were always so realistic you slept the way you did.

you were much aware of the multiverse, as was soonyoung. the topic alone always intrigued you, the possibility of endless scenarios playing out in your mind; and the fact they could be real, yet only in another universe

the thought of dreaming in this world while being awake in another terrified you, but intriguing in the same sense.

every time you drift off into an indefinite slumber, you realize how much you’ve taken for granted in life after seeing the cruel reality thats shown only through dreams, watching your greatest desires be taken out of your reach every time you awake.

“in a world where things worked out, what couldve happened to you and me?”

“in a world where things worked out, what couldve happened to you and me?”

the words repeated over an over throughout the duration your dream. a good one, but too vivid, it was almost cruel the feeling you felt once you realized it wasnt real.

you and soonyoung were the perfect couple. you were happy and it seemed nothing could go wrong, you were in a serious, long lasting, and healthy relationship.

everything was perfect, it was everything you could ever ask for and more.

he was everything you could ask for and way more.

you don’t think you’ve ever been so happy.

however, that would only happen in a world of your own.

a world where you could be happy.

[dragonsampersanddragons]

One thing I don't really hear people talk about is how having your special interest as the basis of your job changes it.

it's still my sp int. I still love it. i still can spend hours going down a rabbit hole to learn new details about it. but now. now I *have* to do that. my pay depends on how well i can learn about, whether i'll have a stable job with a good salary ten years from now depends on how much I can impress other people with how good i am with it. now it is Work.

some days i have to force myself to sit down and Do Work. the Work in question is researching my sp int. but ive spent the past week working my ass off trying to figure out this concept and i have a deadline coming up and im stressed and i want to relax. but i have to do the Big Scary Task. I sit in bed scrolling tumblr telling myself i need to get up. i need to go do work. i need to go sit down at my desk and pull out my papers and spend several hours engaging with my sp int because i have a big assessment coming up and I need to be *ready*, but instead i sit there in bed, scrolling through tumblr.

and. i still love it. it is my sp int. but its not carefree anymore. it isnt relaxing the way it used to be. i worry if im good enough. i have to be careful not to get burnout - get burnout from doing my special interest.

my other big sp int, dragons, isn't like that. that one is still much the same as it always have been. i can go look at art of dragons, go read stories about dragons, go daydream about possible societal effects dragons the size of small hills that live for a few thousand years. and its fun and relaxing nonsense.

this sp int used to be like that too.

and yet. at the same time. this is *still* my sp int. it's just different now. I still easily fall into a hyperfocus with it, i still get excited, i love it. and ive started engaging with it at a deeper level than i do with dragons. i am always being given little tidbits to explore, and then paid to explore them, to teach about them. I get to teach students about what i love more than anything. i love what i do, i love thinking about where it can take me.

I think about my relationship with this sp int when i was fifteen. at fifteen, it was fun, light, relaxing. at fifteen, i thought it was neat. i played in the shallow water and loved it. but now? its heavy. almost every day, i find out something new or put something together that deepens my understanding. i know it intimately, and will only learn more in years to come, and each thing i learn only makes me love it more.

but even so. sometimes i go weeks or months having to remind myself that yes i do love this. i get so caught up in the grind that i sometimes struggle to love it. i do love, i really do. but not in the same way that I loved it when I was fifteen.

[rose022]

1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, I think

(What did you dream about last night?)

i dont know. i dont remember .. idk if i did....

(Have you ever wished on a shooting star?)

yeah a lot, also i say "star light, star bright, first star i see tonight. i wish i may, i wish i might, have this wish i wish tonight" except theres wayyy fewer stars out here. wait fuck i just realized that said shooting stars, i wish on all stars. uhm i dont see many shooting ones tho

(Name a movie that makes you genuinely laugh.)

ermm idk most of them??? i watched legally blonde recently and i laughed a bit i think. idk

(What do you enjoy daydreaming about most?)

points to lbc. so uh. mc there is so me and uh. well. its all isekai rf mostly. somtimes not so much isekai but. actually as ive gotten older my daydreams have too. uhm. ermm. just all kinds of fantasies of stuff i want and uhm. well for a while there was a batfam one. ive done a few pjo storylines. mostly its nonfandom tho. most of them i forget after a while but the most recent isekai rf is uhm. gets isekaied into a otoge and theres magic and her name is alice but instead of going for any of the 5 romacable boys shes goes for the "villain" characters, the dukes daughter calliope who was supposed to marry the crown prince caspian (one of the love intrests) and her friend valerian who is the main antagonist in the game actually. but hes really nice actually and his parents were actually controlling and since hes the princes cousin his parents wanted him to be the heir instead and uhm. well mc also has a bff in the game called elodie and they all go to the acadamy together and take classes abd the game starts day one of your second year and thwres three grades and. well all of this is subject to change and i still havent really gotten much past orientation but. yeah.

(What is something (or someone) you’re in love with?)

luka and saeyoung mmm. my wifee and husband. and shelby grace and hii chan. i love them so much. i love sweets and video games and art of all kinds.

(Describe the memory of the last time you felt true happiness.)

when ive been hanging out with my new friends lately and on sat we went to get boba and got matching temporary tattoos and we have inside jokes and theyre so fun and ive been hanging out with them a lot and its nice

[library-ghoulette]

My Path Serpentine (Ministry librarian series) - Chapter 2/?

Chapter 1

Pairing: Copia (Papa Emeritus IV) x Original Female Character

Rating: This chapter is gen, later chapters will be mature to explicit

Tags: Third person POV, original female character, slowburn, workplace romance, Satanic nuns, HR paperwork, first-day jitters, loving descriptions of library interior design, the other shoe dropping

Words: 1967

Summary: Sister Beatrice discovers that getting what you wished for sometimes comes with unexpected strings attached.

A/N: Just because Sister Beatrice is my favorite OC doesn't mean that I'm not going to cause problems for her for the sake of the plot. Also, if you're wondering where Copia is, we get to hear from him in the next chapter. :)

ao3 link

Summer - Ministry Headquarters

Sister Beatrice sets down her pen and flexes her hand, working the kinks out of her achy wrist. As she looks down at the stack of completed paperwork on the desk before her, a small inner voice asks her, What if this is a mistake?

That small voice has a terrible sense of timing. It could have chosen to speak up at any of the plentiful opportunities that had presented themselves over the past few months.

Like when she woke up that morning after her meeting with Father Kirk to find the job announcement letter lying beside her in bed—because she had fallen asleep reading it, and dreamed of an office door with her name on a little plaque and of Sister Imperator naming her Employee of the Month for her thoughtfully-detailed LibGuides—and, seeing it, decided with an unwavering finality what she would do.

Or it could have said something during the lengthy, old-fashioned, and frankly byzantine application process, which involved having to request a printed application because they were not available online and waiting for it to arrive in the mail before she could even get started.

That voice could have spoken up before the initial phone interview, when Beatrice had been so startled to actually hear Sister Imperator's voice on the other end of the line that she had nearly dropped her phone. Or during either of the two other, more in-depth interviews—mercifully conducted remotely, since she did not have the money to travel—when Beatrice had been grilled about her professional qualifications, her religious service, and her vision for the library.

But no. Through it all, the voice piloting Beatrice had been that earlier one, the ambitious one that had awoken in Father Kirk's office. That voice was the one who whispered reassuringly, every time Sister Grace questioned or criticized her, that it was okay, because she wouldn't even be here that much longer. That the old bitch could torture her all she wanted, for Beatrice was destined for greater things and soon would be delivered to the doorstep of fate.

She had told no one about her application—except for Father Kirk, of course, who had written her a glowing reference letter—and the secret had kindled within her, a strengthening ember of warmth, as the winter days thawed into spring.

Until, on a perfectly petal-pink morning in April, she opened her mailbox and found inside it a thick envelope bearing the return address of Ministry headquarters.

[MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected for the position of Head Librarian…

But now, sitting in Sister Imperator's office alone on her first day of work, it all feels so… real. Up until this point, being the Ministry's librarian was theoretical, with the delicious quality of an especially good daydream. Something that she could delight in as long as she wanted and then set aside whenever she wished.

But now?

Now…

Now she has no time to spiral, because the office door opens and Sister Imperator strides back in. "Finished?" she asks, indicating the paperwork, and when Beatrice nods, "Very good. Here's your staff ID." Beatrice regards the staff photo she'd had to pose for earlier that morning, right after arriving at the Minsitry, with a pang of quiet mortification. It looks like a mugshot. "Your badge will be ready by the end of the week, but for now, here's a temporary one that should get you into most of the areas you need to go. Now, ready for your tour?"

Sister Imperator doesn't give her time to answer, and Beatrice rushes to keep up with the older woman. She watches Sister Imperator's red-soled heels clicking away up the hall and feels impossibly frumpy in her flats. Her forehead is damp with sweat, and she's afraid that her bangs are doing something ridiculous, and she deeply regrets wearing her veil, which Sister Imperator informed her—in a tone that might have been intended as helpful but came somewhat closer to withering—most of the Sisters of Sin only wore on "special occasions" here.

The Ministry is so different from the Unholy Church of the Infernal Heart, from the little parish that now seems embarrassingly provincial to Beatrice, who now wonders how embarrassingly provincial she must look, as well. She can't help but compare herself to the impeccably put-together Sister Imperator, and to the other Sisters they pass in the halls, who cast inquisitive and judgmental glances at her, the newcomer, so obviously out of place.

"—in okay?"

Fuck. Sister Imperator looks back at her, and Beatrice realizes that she has no idea what she's just been asked. "I'm sorry?"

"Have you settled in okay? To your apartment?"

"Oh! Yes, I have, thanks. I was able to arrive a week early to make sure that everything was okay."

Sister Imperator nods. "Smart. I know you were disappointed that we don't have a room for you, but I've added you to the waitlist. Hopefully something opens up soon, but we've seen a big increase in new novitiates, so…"

Meaning that the dorms are full, and she's dead last on the list. It had, indeed, been a disappointment to learn that her dreams of living in the big, old Abbey weren't to come true, thanks to the previous librarian owning a home in town and not needing the accommodations that came with the position. And since he had held that position for decades, those accommodations had long since been turned over for other use.

In the wake of this news, Beatrice had scrambled to find somewhere to live in time for her move. Luckily she had been able to rent an apartment, a little attic walk-up in an old house, nestled in a historic district of town that wasn't far from the Abbey. She had sold her car to partially fund her move, but thanks to the bicycle she found at a yard sale during her settling-in week, the distance is more than manageable.

Beatrice is nothing if not skilled in making things manageable.

Chastened after being caught with her mind wandering, Beatrice tries to focus only on Sister Imperator's whirlwind tour of the Abbey. It seems to Beatrice a maze of stained glass windows, with a dizzying array of warrenlike "new" additions that span the centuries-long life of the building. Originally constructed in the 12th Century, it hasn't remained static, from basic renovations like plumbing and electricity to new wings and other buildings that dot the sprawling campus.

The library is one such addition. Beatrice knows from her nights of anticipatory research that the original—back when the Abbey was run by Christian monks, before one of them saw the black light of Satan, named himself Papa Infernalis I and converted his fellows by reason and, when reason failed, by bloodshed—was a tiny room, barely bigger than a closet. But as the Ministry grew, so too did its need for a repository of its knowledge, and a proper library had been built during the 18th Century.

And it is the library, finally, that Sister Imperator is leading her to now. At the end of a hall lined with stained glass in a rainbow of hues, they reach a set of double doors, and Sister Imperator turns to her. She holds out a keyring, not unlike what you would see in an old hotel.

"Would you like to do the honors?" she asks.

Sister Beatrice's heart hammers in her chest as she takes the offered keyring. They feel like so much more than just keys; they feel like holding her entire future in the palm of her hand. The lock sticks just a bit, but she quickly, intuitively, finds the right angle and pressure, and the door opens for her with a creak.

"You'll need to call maintenance to have those hinges oiled," Sister Imperator says.

The space within is dark except for sunbeams shining in from the tall, skinny windows, catching motes of dust that dance in the circulating air. Beatrice hears Sister Imperator mutter, "The light switch is around here somewhere," and then the lights flicker to sudden life, and the library is revealed to Beatrice in all its glory.

She is accustomed to practicality, which is to say, she is used to settling. If you asked her whether she believed in love at first sight, she would give a rueful little laugh and say no, that's not how the world works.

But from the moment her eyes fall upon the expanse of mahogany and leather and marble and vellum laid out before her, and she realizes that it is hers, she feels a love deeper than any she had previously known possible.

The library contains two levels, with a loft accessible by steep, ladder-like staircases overlooking the main floor. There are shelves of books to the left as she enters, and a lifesize, white marble statue of Eve receiving the gift of knowledge from the Serpent; on the right stands a circulation desk. She can glimpse an office behind the circulation area—her office—as she walks down the central aisle. There are cozy chairs and low tables for reading in comfort, and, through an arched doorway, a study room with long tables studded with green-shaded lamps. A bank of computer carrels. Even more shelves line the walls, full of books bound variously in paper and cloth and leather. When she cranes her head back to look at the ceiling, she is met with a fresco depicting demons routing the angels from heaven, presided over by Lucifer, triumphant.

It's absolutely perfect. Except—

"What are the library hours?" she asks. "I wasn't expecting it to be closed during the week?"

"Oh, well…" Sister Imperator runs her finger across the surface of a table, drawing a line in the dust there. "About that."

Beatrice's stomach tightens into knots as Sister Imperator lays out the situation: "There was some, ah, tension, after your predecessor retired. An internal candidate—the person who had taken over in the interim—was displeased with my decision to hire from outside."

Great, so there's already one person here who hates my guts, Beatrice thinks. Out loud, she asks, "How did they, um, cope with that decision?"

Sister Imperator lets out a bitter little laugh. "She quit!"

"And the rest of the staff?"

"There was another part-time worker who also quit—called away from the order, I'm afraid. The rest were work-study siblings who are not equipped to run the library on their own, and were reassigned to other departments. So the decision was made to close until a replacement was hired, with the goal of reopening no later than the end of the summer."

"…oh. So I— I'm the only staff?"

"For now!" Sister Imperator's tone is far more chipper than Beatrice can fathom. "But you'll get to start fresh when you hire more!"

Start fresh. This was not what Beatrice had envisioned for herself when she thought about starting fresh. She sinks into a chair, knees suddenly shaky, hoping that Sister Imperator can't tell just how seriously she is considering the practicalities of running away back home.

Whether it's good or bad, she's unsure, but Sister Imperator seems oblivious to her rising panic. "I was very impressed with your application, Sister Beatrice. I trust that you won't let me down."

Maybe they were supposed to be words of comfort. But later, after countless awkward introductions and an interminable onboarding video and lunch in the dining hall are done, and she is left alone at the end of the day with only her employee handbook, her fears, and the library she begged to run, Beatrice can't help but think that they sounded more like a threat.

[theroadtosomewhere]

Writer Interview Game!

Tagged by @azapofinspiration yippeeeeeeee

When did you start writing?

Mmmmm.... first story I wrote properly was in 2014, little primary school lad who got marked well on a story in class and it ended up on a lil notice board which little me was like oH. It was a 10 year old's excuse for a horror story but it does make me laugh to think that I went from that to wattpad within months, back when it wasnt behind a paywall. My first original was on wattpad in maybe 2016 and after that I was really into LoZ and BBC Sherlock so there was some fanfics there. My longest (unfinished) original story was built off a plot that I created for a LoZ fanfic and I was still very active in writing it up until three years ago, so there was a solid 6-7 years spent with that lol.

End of 2022 I started reading abt skk on ao3 without ever having watched the show (shoutout athena and moxie p sure i read some of yours first lmfao every skker ever) and started writing my first few skk fics without ever having watched the show OR read the manga. Before that though the thing that got me onto writing for/on ao3 was Narumitsu!!! my babes one day i will finish that first fic (blackmadhi yesssssssss if you wanna see my cringe from pre bsd thats it lol).

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

god..... too many..... its been a long time since ive sat down to read properly, and even during school i would not have considered myself a book nerd by any means (mostly because i was juggling time between school and extra-curriculars.)

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

When I was in highschool, my writing style (based on the original mentioned above) was compared to Marcus Zusac before I'd even read a book of his. That was pretty nice. Same with Neil Gaiman but that is too high praise for me to accept considering i now write either about gay lawyers or gay mafioso x ex-mafioso soooooooooooo. not sure any of that would come through in my writing these days.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

Literally write wherever I can. In my room, at my desk, on the bus or train, during breaks at work and in class at uni (responsible i know). Wind, rain or shine, if i have an idea (or not even) i'll jot down an idea or vaguely edit something. The process is process-ing!!!!

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Hehehehehehehe......maladaptive daydreaming..........

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I LOVE THIS OKAY. SO. typical projection stuff incoming. I feel like most if not everyone has a highschool horror story and up until like a year or so ago i was like!!! it wasnt that bad!!!! (it was, emotionally at least). The aforementioned original story and its characters changed a LOT overtime lol. when I hit my last year of highschool, i'd had some time away from writing and when i read over it, it was crazy to see not only what my mental state had been through my writing, but to see my own coping mechanisms written between the lines before i even knew what they were/that i did them! Won't go into too much detail about that but I did experience dissociation and anxiety etc which I only began to address in my last year of school, so going back and reading it with a clearer head was like wow okay. that was real!

That being said! Hurt/comfort my beloved. The unloved being loved. Second chances. Do with that what you will.

What is your reason for writing?

Initially i started writing for fun, but during highschool as things got a little worse, i fell into the characters i created and i can look back now fondly and think...thank you. i still dont know if i want to touch the story because its one of the last things i have left from a time past that may not have been positive, but the experience of writing and developing the characters alongside myself back then is just sighs :') sometimes i miss that girl.

First for enjoyment, second as a way of staying sane, and now i'd say its a mixture of both. My writing is my love letter to whatever I'm writing about. I do love sharing too. Right audience and all that :)

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I've been told that I can write particular characters' inner voices quite well, which is always a compliment :')

I think my own strength as a writer is also the weakness, which is to say that a project is never finished. Even when there's something out there and up on the interwebs for people to see, there's a good chance that if you check back months later, something has been edited or changed. I do have issues with perfectionism at times, but weirdly enough its not a negative thing when i apply it to my writing. I enjoy the process of seeing the stories i write change.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Good most days. I experiment quite a bit with ideas and writing styles/formatting so I will leave it at that lol.

Tagging @calmlb and @samtheboyfailure if y'all want :)

[sweatstainsinwinter]

Ive finally had enough

I don’t usually post about shifting, but it’s a major part of my life and one of the main reasons why I haven't completely given up. Honestly it's my main (and only) plan for the future.

I’ve known about shifting since June-ish 2020. I haven’t shifted yet, nor really gotten close. Even though I’ve know about shifting for 4 years I wouldn’t say I’ve been a shifter for that long, since I've taken massive breaks, procrastinated for months and given up/ stopped believing a few times.

But I've finally had enough and am ready to take it seriously. This past year has been the worst of my entire life, I've made so many mistakes, my mental health has plummeted and I feel so hollow.

I've decided to shift via the gateway tapes and document my process (I feel like I'll be more motivated and committed this way)

Gateway tapes experience (Day 1-3):

Discovery 1- orientation

Day 1 didn't go very well. My attention span has never been the best but it was especially bad when I tried to work through the tapes. My mind kept wondering and at one point I just fell asleep.

Day 2 was similar- The first time, my mind just went completely blank. Like I wasn't daydreaming but I wasn't processing the words either- my mind was just empty.

I tried it again that night and it was going well! The only bad thing was that it required some visualisation (I'm not the best at that). I also got bored and stopped 20 minutes in- I KNOW IT WAS BAD I SHOULDN'T OF DONE THAT, IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Day 3 was my best. I finally finished the tape :) And I'm not sure if I was in focus 3? My body felt super relaxed and heavy and when I talked to my mum later she said I kept whispering. Also that night I has a SUPER vivid dream. I can't remember it really I just know it was really realistic and had a plot that actually made sense.

So yeah, those are my experiences so far with the gateway tapes :)

[tjodity]

ive been daydreaming about romances and breakup tragedies for the past few days i dont normally do that

[bad-knees]

where i am

a date who thought i wanted to only be friends until we started kissing she hasn’t responded to my texts

coffee with someone i was dating telling me about their married poly partner the things they put up with and weird things that happen during sex

texted a friend about how i now see them as immature that friend doesn’t like that person hot and cold  but she only sees them through the stories i tell her and i run hot and cold

anxious avoidant fear of control fear of being taken away from myself and the place that i love ive been there before with someone who always wanted to call who didn’t know how to spend a moment alone

i spilled coffee all over my shirt i got new art to cover the walls and some prints from a magazine i need to pull apart

it got hot one day and everyone was excited and now its cold again my red scarf is running in the laundry ive had a little phlegm in my throat for the past few days hopefully just allergies

drinks with a lesbian transfem who’s yet to transition if i didn’t need to go through all this would i have there’s no point in comparing my path to that of another

dharma my purpose the call of my life i ask myself how do i want to be who i want to be today and in this moment in this relationship in this situation to reclaim some sense of agency when im lost in the sauce lost in scrolling on my phone or lying in bed and daydreaming about sex

fixations on absence im only getting hotter and wiser and more myself the hope inside my comes and goes but i can only walk forward what other option do i have

flashes of insights moments of narrative cohesion and gratitude when i say i am glad for where ive been and where im going a girl with holes come finger the wounds in quiet intimacy ill let you be the one to hurt me

pining after you after you’ve let me down you called it a pause did you mean it a prisoner to your dereliction

i have so much to do while im waiting love ive yet to learn in the meantime and books that need reading ideas that long for encounter like statues weathered out in the garden

you say you’re afraid to write how you feel that to take up space with emotion is burdensome and you talk to the girl with emotions consuming burning me alive

[actualbird]

"tag people you'd like to get to know better" tag game :D tagged by @najuwu (thank you!!! :D)

Currently Watching:

nothing kjhOHAVFOSFLHA

i have a Very Not-Great attention span when it comes to shows and stuff...

oh but i recently watched Nimona with my girlfriend! I ADORED IT. MADE ME CRY!!!

Currently Reading:

Nonfiction: i recently came across the essay Mattel, Malibu Stacy, and the Dialectics of the Barbie Polemic by Charlie Squire and read it and got hooked, have been going their entire essay catalog on their blog these past few days. Some favorites so far were Reflections on a Starved Decade [cw: eating disorder], and The Nailbiters. anotheri also came across recently was the ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL READ of This Christmas Party Was So Fun That Now I’m a Communist by Brennan Lee Mulligan which knocked my socks off irt comedic matter-a-fact tone essayisms and engaging storytelling.

Fiction: HAHA, I HAVENT READ ANY FICTION IN A WHILE HONESTLY AHJFVAKSJ. despite my wider reputation on this site for fanFiction, my specialty in original work is really nonfic ;w;

Fanfiction: as always, check out my ao3 bookmarks to see all the fanfics ive read and adored lately :D!! cuz there are much too many to link here jkhVALHJFVASL

im adding an extra category here of Webcomics, Mangas, Manhwas: Countdown to Countdown by Velinxi, Daughter of a Thousand Faces by Velinxi, Skip and Loafer, Uncanny Charm. waiting for these to update gives me the will to live

Currently Listening:

Music: my friend recently recommended me Dance Gavin Dance and ive been OBSESSSEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!! Some songs I really loved off the top of my head are Death of a Strawberry, We Own The Night, Uneasy Hearts Weigh The Most

Podcast: i dont listen to any!! like shows, podcasts are a medium im Very Not-Great at sitting thru ;^;

Current Obsession: Tears of Themis (of course JVSKJFH), Skip and Loafer (i havent made a deranged post or tweet abt shima in a while but he lives in my brain rent free, pls know this), daydreaming about a day i can sleep for more than just 4hrs (im so tired these days guys kjhvALFAKFKJ)

tagging: im shy....tho to anyone who sees this pls feel free to yoink the format!!

[theevilmaninyourcomputer]

For the past few weeks I've felt like I've been in some kind of mental decline. Stringing thoughts together takes way too much effort, and I feel weak and faint when I stand for an extended amount of time. Also, my head has hurt constantly. I mean, I've had a headache for three weeks (I have chronic migraines so this isn't that unusual). I came to the conclusion that I was just extremely burnt out, and coming down off of final exam stress. But I'm a hypochondriac, so I secretly began to assume the worst. Maybe I have a blood clot in my brain, or I've spontaneously developed early onset alzheimer's or childhood dementia! I actually cried about this to my mom yesterday and she was like, "I'm not taking you to the ER for 'brain fog'" which is honestly reasonable. So, because I am incapabale of being normal about anything, I started doing research and I realized: I am so fucking dehydrated. Like, ridiculously dehydrated. There have been multiple days in the last month where my daily water intake has been one or two cups of coffee. And fun story, my sister absolutely despises the flavor of water. So much so that she has developed an irregular heartbeat, is randomly overcome with vertigo, and has done irreparable damage to her vital organs. It's bad. She's probably going to have to go on IV fluids in the near future. Anyway, I asked her how much water she actually drank, and she was like "I don't know, two, three cups a day?" Well, shit? If she's experiencing these symptoms and drinking more water than me, then what the hell am I doing? So long story short, I probably don't have a serious medical issue. I just need to drink water. Hopefully.

Still, it's freaking me out. I keep forgetting words, like, really basic words. Or accidentally substituting words for other words. And if I focus too hard on the spelling of a word, or the grammatical structure of a sentence, the words lose meaning. When I referenced my hypochondria, I wasn't exaggerating. I legitimately do have hypochondria. So since I've noticed this, I've been in a state of constant panic. I'm used to my head being a place I can retreat into. But lately, I haven't felt compelled to invent elaborate daydream worlds or internally monologue for hours. And to combat this, I find myself straining, forcing myself to do so anyway. I miss the comfortable chaos that used to be my mind. It's too still, too stagnant. It's disconcertingly silent. I feel like something is legitimately wrong with me and I'm fucking scared. But at the same time, I recognize the possibility that I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

My anxiety always worsens during the summer. I wouldn't consider myself an extrovert (far from it), however I do need some level of human contact or I lose my fucking mind.

But still, what if this is just how my life is now? What if I'm just not smart anymore? My entire life, I've been told that my writing is what's going to get me into college. If I can't form a coherent thought, or write a sentence without second guessing myself, how the hell am I going to get anywhere in life? If I lose the ability to create, then I am nothing.

This is besides the point, but I've already made the decision not to pursue a career in writing. I think I would enjoy journalism, or screenwriting (just, something creatively challenging), but with the recent developments in AI, I don't think that dream is feasible anymore.

I'm trying not to spiral, but thinking gives me a headache. An actual, physical headache. That's not fucking normal. What the hell is wrong with me??

Anyway this blog is like, my journal now. I know that no one will really see (or read) these, and word vomiting into the void makes me feel better. It's like, the potential of someone stumbling across it and connecting that is reassuring to me. So if you see this, just...idk. Tell me I'm not going insane. Or having a stroke. Or losing myself or my mind of whatever. Tell me I'm just dehydrated, and that the world isn't ending, and that everything is going to be okay. Because every day feels like the fucking apocolypse and my head hurts so bad and I wish I could just feel good and normal and okay.

So I'll try to drink more water (like, wayyy more water) and I'll update you guys. My head feels like it's full of cotton balls right now.

Later, dudes.

[blueberries-muffins]

Sunday 15/10/2017 (around 22:40)

Ok so first of all, I read again a few pages of this diary, and realised I still don't dare to write everything down.... But hey, let me clear things up: That crush we talked about at the beginning of September, it's *****, and it feels kinda wrong to wright his name down. We also have that one "crush" if I can call it likat that on that fucking hot, tall, asian-like6th-year (btw... he smokes o_o) and it feels weird wrighting and reading how I speak- no w8- wright/talk? about "us" while I'm obviously onr and the same person each time.....

And don't mind the wrighting,.... I'm in my/our bed half-sitting-half-laying, trying to wright something down, that'll cheer you up whenever and wherever you'll read this.

This was actually onf of the next things I wanted to talk about (bcs yes we're in some way talking to ourselves right?)

(and besides us wrighting about exo & bts..... what actually was quite surprising) ..... Aah damn I forgot what I wanted to say, I should go to sleep in a few minutes, so where were we.....

Ah yes I know! ( And NO! old me, we don't have Alzheimer like you said earlier -3-)

So I actually realised (maybe once again bcs I never liked to admit that this, reading messages from the me in the "past" kinda cheers me up, and fills me with nostalgy of when we were younger, believed in our dreams (becomming stylist for example and motivated to go study at La Cambre- before we lost ourselves in this infinite routine of hopeless en sometime meaningless days- And even forgetting our dream bcs people like our grandmother for ex. thought it was impossible for us, bcs we wouldn't be able of accomplishing it and having a poor drawing skill.)

NOW I know you might feel bad when reading this, but cheer up girl, we have to grow strong and stop hoping for miracles to happen to us.

we are not a movie. we are not fictions, if we do something stupid we cannot just rewind with the remote control. we have to make dreams if we don't want to waste ourself in someone elses dream, we should not forget about living reality, and not daydream of people whom we admire and want to meet. we Should not make dreams, like wanting to become famous just to meet celebs- whom might dissapoint you, while ruining our private life....

I can't think of anything else to say rn, bcs I'm tired.

(And Ive been writing for 25 minutes straight) but we should get ourselves together and become someone great who doesn't has to look for herself and her identity anymore.......

And eventually rest and go to sleep If you're about to sleep when reading this...

'Night! Make sweet dreams, and since we both know you can't take care of yourself properly.... Be careful and try to enjoy life.....

<3 <3 <3 <3

And listen to your friends advice:

Stop being so self-destructive!

that would help both of us a lot - to me now in the past and the (at least I hope) better me in the future.

-Blueberry's Diary